Dumb People Town - Ngaio Bealum - Don't Pace Where You Eat

Episode Date: September 14, 2018

Comedian Ngaio Bealum joins the guys to riff on the tale of a fully nude man pacing in circles, making engine noises, and driving an imaginary racecar.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Population and guy, O'Belum. How are you, buddy? I'm feeling pretty smart.

Dude, I am so happy. You've always been smart to us. Dumb People Town, you're a king. Yeah, you're a genius. In the land of the blind. You're the one-eyed man is king. The dumb-ass man is king. That actually is what attracted us to you when you featured for us in San Francisco.

Eight million years ago. Eight million years ago. Was it at the eight million years eight million years ago was it at the old cobs maybe or was it the punchline i can't remember cannabis infused blur it all is finally the state and the world caught up to you and uh your habits uh but i just remember first time we ever saw you do stand-up we we were like, oh my god, this guy is so much fun. He's brilliant and a perfect table setter for us and what we do. And we just loved it. Is that your way of saying we're brilliant? No. We're saying I'm a good team player. I'm a low-post passer.

Exactly. You make all the right draws. You draw everybody in and then you kick it back out. A lot of you with one arm in the air going up top. Up top. Up top. We play basketball and he can hoop. You get open, you get the ball.

That's how I feel about it. Well, we all believe that even since that day, the early 2000s when we first met you in San Francisco, which is insane to say, and your kids are now like 18 and 20. My kids are adults. I remember when they were playing basketball on top. I was telling you before. They were playing basketball on top of a building in San Francisco around 2001 or 2002. Something like that.

And you had like a three-year-old baby girl, which is insane. So now she's 20, and the world has not gotten any smarter. We know that. It's getting dumber. And the only way to fight it is comedy. Dan gets a great story sent to us for these minis. So many great stories. We are getting lots from you guys,

and we love it. Before we jump into the story, we want to thank everyone who signed up for our drip. Yeah, it's still out there. It's still out there, and the more people that sign up, the faster we go to get Jan Flato back his money. Keep doing it. Just d.rip slash dpt. Jump on the

train. Support the show and support Jan, and it's really, really fantastic. We want to see it grow to 5,000. I think we're at 372 right now. Phenomenal. Which is amazing. So you've added like a couple hundred since the last year. Yeah, and we want to thank some people, and we'll mention some names. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll do that in the main

episodes. We'll have all of this laid out, and we won't inundate you with a ton of them for two reasons. One, I'm sure you don't want to listen to 50 names. Two, when we do like 10 or 12, we can say, personally, actually give some thanks back. So it might take a little while, but we want to give people the most. And if we can come up with a joke for each person's name, that is our goal. We were doing it last time. I love it.

Okay, let's jump in. You want to do it? Let's do it. Okay. Here we go. Ready? Sent in by Zach. T-Bloom? Ty-Bloom? Ty do it. Okay. Here we go. Ready? Sent in by Zach T. Bloom? Ty Bloom?

Ty Bloom. I feel bad. This is our guy. T spell it. Wait, you know him? Yeah, he's an Austin guy. He's the best dude. He played in the ping pong tournament.

Okay. Got pretty far. He's always been really supportive of us. He's come to all of our shows. Sweet beard. I love this guy. Speaking of coming to shows too in Austin then, I want to remind Zach to come see me on the Together Tour

on, what is this, September? September 19th I'll be in Austin. The day before I will be in Houston. And then I go from there on to Dallas and then Lafayette and Baton Rouge. And guess what, guys? You can see all this information at the brand new DanielVanKirk.com

Everything is listed there. Gone over. Come join me for the tour. I'm about to announce the second leg. There's your tease. It'll be coming soon. T-Bloom will be there. All right.

Thanks, Zach. Police responded Tuesday nights. Nope, I did it wrong. Police responded Tuesday night. There's only one night per Tuesday. Yeah, there's only one night per Tuesday. It's Tuesday nights. It depends on what you're on.

That's right. That's a drunk thing when things are plural that are only one and things are only singular when there's plural. I read Attorneys General. And use guys is not a thing. Chicago does it not drunk. They'll be like, can I get four hot dog? Hot dog?

Can I get four hot dog? Like they're Buffalo. Can I get four hot dog? Like they're buffalo. Yes. Can I get four hot dogs? But then they'll take asses off the stump and be like, oh, man, I love watching the Cub. Love watching the Cub. Hey. You know, like Cubs.

Four hot dogs. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hot dog. Passers-by. Passers-by. Attorneys General. Attorneys General. That's right.

Runs batted in. Fingers on. Be ours, be ours. Where are you guys going? Stop. Okay. Wow. Tuesday's night. You guys. Come on. Get in the. Where are you guy going? Stop. Tuesday's night. Come on, get in the car. I'm getting in the car.

Tuesday's night. Well, if there's an apostrophe. Yes. Tuesday's night. Because it's Tuesday's night. Oh, yes, it's feeling right. Because it's Tuesday's night. Oh, what a night. Oh, what a night.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll gladly pay you Tuesdays for some hamburger today. For a night. Oh, what a night. Thank you. Thank you. I'll gladly pay you Tuesdays for some hamburger today. For a hamburger. If you're following along, I haven't gotten past the fourth word. Yes. I derailed us. Tuesday night.

Police responded Tuesday night to reports of a fully nude man. Butt ass naked. Yelling, pacing in circles. What is he worried about? The circle pace is like... I was in a circle pace in high school once. Were you really? What happened? Is that like a drum line?

Is that a black thing? Help me out. Pacing in circles, like he's worried about the Stilwell presentation tomorrow. To me, a circle pace is like... Before you go on stage. That's a step above hand-wringing. Do you guys ever feel that in that moment? We'll get meta for just a quick second, where you're like,

oh, me and these other comics are just doing our own variation of pregame in this green room without talking to each other about it. Sometimes you'll say, you pace this way, I'll pace that way. You'll kind of walk around in a circle on your phone over in that corner, I'll be over here drinking more water Yep That's the only time we pace is when we're on conference calls You walk

You walk through the house Circle it around I'll check my steps Do you ever take a shit while you're on a I'm the only one I had a lot of coffee Next time I talk to you on the phone I'll be like Are you sitting down

He's grunting as he's answering me? That sounds great. Do you mute me? He was pacing in circles, swinging his underwear around, and making engine noises in the hallway of his apartment complex. Was he listening to P.D. Pablo? Take your drawers off. Twist them around your head. Spin it like a helicopter.

Making engine noises in the hallway of his apartment complex. And he definitely thinks it's his. Don't pace where you eat. Don't pace where you eat. I was just going to follow up on N'Gaya and say the dude runs shit like diarrhea. He does. He's rare like affordable health care. That's more modern.

Not my favorite. This is one of my favorite parts. This is when I was like, oh, we're in dumb people town. Witnesses told police the man appeared to be driving an imaginary car. Yes! That explains the engine sound. Imaginary race car. So Formula 1? I don't know.

I hope it was Formula 2. Did the underwear have skid marks? Probably. Thank you. I'll be here all the week.. Thank you. I'll be here all the week. All the week. I'll be here all, yeah, all these weeks. All the weeks. Every Tuesday.

All the weeks. Every Tuesday. Every night on Tuesdays. Wait, so he is pretending to race around in a circle. I don't know if he's racing. He's just in the car. But the engine noises then aren't so crazy. No.

Because they're not unaffiliated with his actions. He's naked and that's not good for people, but he is having fun. You can't drive and swing your t-shirt over your head, unless you're in a convertible. Okay, so this is one of those things where, you know, we used to have a bit about this when we would go into... We used to have a bit about this.

When we would go to colleges, we'd be like, things you do in college, if you do them 20 years later, people would be worried about you. College, you know, I slept three days straight. People do it when you're like 40. It's like you have a problem. You should see a doctor. See a doctor immediately.

If you're drunk in the daytime, you're an alcoholic. Or an executive producer. Right. If you're drunk in college in the daytime, you're a party animal. I just passed out in that bush. Good for you, man. You're still alive. You do it now, you're homeless. Right. If you're drunk in college in the daytime, you're a party animal. I just passed out in that bush. Good for you, man. You're still alive. You do it now, you're homeless.

Right. And that is what is going on. If this guy was six years old and just got out of his shower and was walking around naked and making car noises and waving his underwear, you'd be like, all right. By the way, this also- Sounds like a party. It's appropriate. You'd probably jump in.

Woo! Vroom, vroom! I'm like, I like the way this kid expresses himself. Also, at 35, 40 years. Party on, Kyle. This could have been acceptable behavior at Burning Man. That's all I'm saying. Randy, that is your gauge for everything now.

Well, now I'm just saying. I'm trying to think. If I saw a guy naked waving his underwear around- What's his playa name? Fire engine? Shirt Cocker. Shirt Cocker? Shirt Cocker. Shirt Cocker. The first word

in that sentence, witnesses. So there's many people. People gathered around the racetrack. We got a lot of quotes. People gathered around the racetrack and were like, you got him, dude. Way to go, Jacob. Did he have a pit crew? Of course, people were signing up for it.

All I know is three people tried to change his lug nuts. Thank you. Unsuccessful. I tried to set it up. He was literally trading paint. I'm going to kiss the brick. Rubbing his racing. I'm going to kiss the brick.

Don't do that, Jacob. Stop that. Don't kiss anything in this apartment complex. Jesus. People say they were there to watch him race, but they were really there to watch him crash. Yeah, it's a Talladega situation. Crash and burn. Yes, yes. Officers heard yelling.

Where should we go, Dave? Towards that yelling? Follow the loud yelling. Follow the yelling brick road. Officers heard yelling and found Jacob Bradshaw, JB if you're nasty, naked in a stairwell in the Midtown Lofts apartments on South College Avenue. Add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour.

Now, CTE is a terrible thing, but if someone told you that was Terry Bradshaw, you'd be like, yep. Yeah, I get it. I get it. He's been hit a lot. He shingles first, and now he's here. Also, naked in a stairwell. I found the cop. I play along.

I'm like, you got stuck in here, huh? Can't drive up the steps? There's no U-turn on the stairway. Are you out of gas? Probably not. We need to fill him up. Isn't that a show on A&E? Naked in a Stairwell? Probably.

Naked in a Stairwell. We drop this person naked in a stairwell. I'd probably watch it. Can he get out? He thinks he's in a race car. We give him two weeks. I love this sentence. So, cops find Jacob Bradshaw on a stairwell at the Midtown Lofts apartments. Of course. Here's the sentence.

Though Bradshaw was holding a towel, according to police, it was not covering his genitals. Of course not. It's like around his neck, like, what's up, dudes? Well, you get sweaty. Yeah, you want to wipe the sweat off your brow. What if it's one of those towels that you wet and then

snap and they get really cold? You know, like construction workers. Brett Favre promoted those for a while. Favre. I always have this hope, too, that the people who are in the wrong try to lean in on the cops and act like they're happy. One foot up on the snap, stretching out. And he's like, there you guys are.

Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so glad you're here. The engine's flooding. I have a flat tire. I don't know who Jacob Bradshaw is, but is that the Slap Chop guy? Yeah, it's of course.

It is the guy who came up with Slap Chop? Slap Chop. That guy creeps me out. He does. So yeah, he's got, I just, I'm also hoping he's just holding a towel in his hand. Like, cover yourself up. I said, around. With what?

Around his neck. Around his neck. Like a prize fighter. Hold it like that. Prize fighter. Yeah. Jumping up and down. Vroom, vroom.

The cops come into the stairwell and he's like, good game, guys. Good game. Good game, guys. Just patting everyone on the butt. Orange slices and Capri Suns. There you go, all around. Bradshaw told officers he was showering when his friends took his shorts, part of an ongoing prank. And he was in the hallway trying to find them.

He confirmed to police he does own more than one pair of shorts. This gives you a window into how this conversation was going. Right? It was like, sir, sir, where are your shorts? My friends took them. Your friends took your shorts. So I'm trying to find my friends. You have more than one pair of shorts.

You have just one pair of shorts? I do, but those are my favorite ones. There's lots of buts. I'm running around here. It seems like you're definitely dedicated to those, but you're telling us you do have more pairs of shorts. You could wear another pair of shorts. I could, but... You could put that towel around you. So there's a lot of things you're not

doing today. Why are you guys killing my buzz? That's my question. And your friends are not imagining. You see, I got a race to win. I got a race to win right now. And your friends are not imagining. I'm just wondering if a race to win right now. And your friends are not imagining. I'm just wondering if this much questioning goes on with Dale Earnhardt Jr. Not anymore. Earnhardt.

He retired. I'll tell you this, though, buddy. Why don't we take the race car and put it into the wall over here for a second? He's Dale Earnhardt Jr. At Sklar Brothers. Send him to all of us. I love that one. Thank you. It's pretty good.

He confirmed to police he does own, because you know they asked. I love it. Does own? Yes. Did they take your only pair of shorts? No, I own more. Where are they? Wouldn't you like to know? Where are yours? That's what you guys are here for, is to help me.

You guys are here for the shorts? No, you're here for you is to help me. That's what he said. You guys are here for the shorts? No. You're here for you. To help with the shorts? Yeah. And so he thinks his friends are going to get in trouble. Go ahead, officers. Cuff them.

That's like what they did to me. Calling the cops when someone breaks into your house and steals your weed. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. We've had some moments like that. Whoops. Not thinking it through. Hey, man, you mind if you pull over here so we can talk to you about you being naked? I'm in a roundabout.

He's just singing. He's just singing. He has to himself. Okay, turn that music down. Turn that music down. Turn the music down. We want to talk to you outside of your imaginary race car for a second. You step outside of the imaginary race car for a second.

I spend the day away. Call that money, call it. All right, I'm going to let you finish out that verse, and then we've got to get out of the imaginary race. I spend the day away. Call that money, call it. All right, I'm going to let you finish out that verse and then we got to get out of the imaginary race. Ain't nothing about it.

Yeah, well, listen, don't you park the car? Yeah. Right, and let the song play. If it's a good song,

you finish the song before you go to your parallel. I was like, look, I'm just going to leave it running. What do you guys want? What do you want? I've already queued up

Radar Love after this song, so. Let me just parallel park this motherfucker sideways. Radar Love. I got to be in Flagstaff. This is my rule on Radar Love after this song. Let me just parallel park this motherfucker sideways. Radar Love. I gotta be in Flagstaff. This is my rule on Radar Love. Your uncle loves it. Your uncle loves it. Your uncle loves I'm just telling you guys, I'm telling anybody

listening, your uncle loves Radar Love. When I was in college, I had a quasi-roommate named Pete who liked to drink Everclear, smoke weed, and listen to Radar Love over and over and over and over. He was from Iowa. He was kind of wild. Didn't you want to be like, Pete, what are you going through right now?

Because if you drink Everclear, you only just sip there and sip Everclear in the room with the red light bulb and listen to Radar Love. He is always driving all night with my hands wet on the wheel. That and one bourbon, one scotch, and one beer. I drink alone.

He probably likes that one too. All the thorough goods. While loving Tom Petty, your uncle said, I wish they still made music like this while it was coming out. He's still making albums. This song just came out. I wish they still made music like this. They don't write them like that anymore. Yes. There you go. All song just came out. I know. I wish they still made music like that. They do. They don't ride them like that anymore.

Yes. There you go. All right. One witness told police he or she heard yelling. I mean, kudos to this police and reporter for being woke about gender. You know, we are not going to assign gender to a person. This person could be transitioning. The person wants to be anonymous.

That could be that, too. Or transitioning. One witness told police he or she heard yelling for about 45 minutes before calling 911. Wow. So they gave it some time. They gave it some time. They gave it some time. 45 minutes is a long time.

Jason will call the cops on a party 22 minutes in. Easy. For sure. He's like, they're two houses down, but I'm pretty sure I heard somebody say they had a gun. Yeah. That's right. I heard a gun go off. Is this a white guy?

I don't know. This has to be a white guy? I don't know. This has to be a white guy. If it's a black guy, we're reading his obit. It's a black guy. They probably call the cops 35 seconds. Yeah, 35 seconds. As soon as he goes... Alright, man, I don't know where you got that race car, but you guys want to get down here.

Did they question him or did they first pull him over? Sir, you're going to have to pull over. Sir, pull over. Please pull over. I'm so glad you guys are here. Pull over. I will in just a second, but I'm so glad you guys are here. Can you just walk along the car while I

drive really quick? He's going in a circle. Yeah, facing. 45 minutes. That is a couple of people being like, should we call? It's going to die out. By the way, 45 minutes that is that is a couple of people being like should we call it's gonna die out honey it's gonna die out 45 minutes is

three episodes of N'Gayo's Netflix television cooking on high on Netflix you could have watched all three you could have

watched three honey we're just gonna watch one more episode of cooking on high and then I'll tell you wait wait wait I really like this one let's watch one more episode

I'm hooked I'm hooked let me do one more and then we're calling it a night. I don't know, but the guy's yelling kind of syncs up to the episode. Let's see. I mean, if he lived there, they're probably like, oh, Jesus, Jacob's yelling in the

hallway again. Or if they got high and watched your show, then they're like, were we supposed to do something? I remember saying we were going to do something. Let's just watch another episode. Officers reported Bradshaw's pupils were restricted, and he was sweating profusely at the time of his arrest. Police said he admitted to drinking alcohol,

but denied taking any illegal drugs. By the way, alcohol, unless it is for loco, unless it is like a thing of wild turkey, that is not going to cause you to do that. The sweating was probably from driving the car. Yeah. He could have been so drunk he was having a good time. He was a good time boy.

Pupils are restricted isn't necessarily an alcohol symptom, though. That implies you're on some other drugs. Well, Bradshaw's preliminary charges include public nudity and public intoxication. Both of those can be fun. I would add criminal mischief in there. I would, too. Look, and he got his steps in. He got his steps in for the day.

We're going to get out of here. He should have gotten it. And to me, if the cops had a sense of humor, they would have given him a speeding ticket. Nice. Improper use of a lane. Thank you. For sure. No signal, bro.

I do believe it's against the law to drive naked. It is. It is. You have to wear shoes. You have to wear shoes. We're going to get out of here on this. We're going to play another round of Guess the Agey. Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. See, we now know enough about Jacob. What town was it in? This was in, I don't know. Doesn't say.

I thought you mentioned anywhere, USA. Maybe I did. I think you mentioned. Oh, Indiana. It's in Indiana. Okay. Indiana. Jacob Bradshaw on College Avenue in Indiana.

Now, you know that he's looking for his, quote unquote, looking for his shorts, pretending to drive a race car. Has friends that are pranking him. 34 years old. Okay. Okay, 34 years old from N'Gaya. Jay, 21. 21 from Jason Sklar. I think he's 26.

26 from Randy Sklar. So he's like still trying to hold on to the college days, living with a bunch of dudes. They prank each other. Right. That's the story you told the cops. Yeah. Oh, okay.

He doesn't have roommates. N'Gaya, tell everybody where to father you. You can father you. Father you. Yeah, okay. He doesn't have roommates. And Gaio, tell everybody where to father you. You can father you. Father you. Where can they father you? I prefer to be the daddy. But you can find me

on all the social medias, N-G-A-I-O-4-2-0 and Gaio420 on Twitter and Snap and mostly Instagram. And when is the Netflix jobby coming out? Is it out?

It's out. It came out this week. So you can watch Cooking on High on Netflix. Please watch every episode all the way through. They're 15-minuters, guys.

Yeah, it's not Game of Thrones. That's right. But it's great, and we want them to get another season. So you guys watching is a good thing. We're trying to have the Sklars and Daniel as celebrity guests. Hell yes.

That would be so much fun. Cooking on High. I want to be on that show. All right. Okay. Give us the answer. Jacob Bradshaw. The imaginary race car driver

just looking for a pair of shorts and swinging his underwear around the world naked in a stairwell. Holding a towel that isn't covering his genitals. And as you said, naked in a stairwell. Get your answers in now, Townie. Townie's. Townie's better. You took the S off, Dan.

As you should in the Townie contain. Did you say Townie contain? I said Townie is better. Townie's better. You took the S off, Dan. I know. As you should in this story. Townie Katane. As you should. Did you say Townie Katane? I said Townie Katane. Townie Katane. One of you is only two years off. Okay.

You're very close in this room. I think it's me. Jacob Bradshaw is 36 years old. Oh! Grown folks do grown shit. Grown folks do grown shit. Grown folks do grown shit. That is it. And Guy O'Belum,

I'm so happy you came to do this with us. Thanks you guys for having me over. I really appreciate it. We've been wanting to do it for so long. And we got you on. We'll have you back. Let's do it again. Let's do it again.

But in the meantime, I'm going to watch Cooking on High on Netflix. And oh shit, we got to get back to work.