Dumb People Town - Nick Swardson - DJ Crablegs

Episode Date: April 30, 2019

This week Nick Swardson visits DPT!Story 1 brings us a set of testicles dipped in salsa.Story 2 is the tale of a fight at a buffet.  In Story 3, a car unintentionally leaves an offensive image in the snow.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you.

Population you. Population Carson, would you please welcome to the show, Johnny Carson. Jason, Randy, it is good to be here. I just came back from 1980. Yep. And I have a fresh suit on. I just want to drop the two words of the day. What are the two words of the day, Johnny? They are beef curtains. What are the two words of the day, Johnny? They are beef curtains.

Beef curtains. What is a food drape and a grape food? What is a food drape? That is wild. That is a food drape. What are they made of? Corned beef?

These are, yes, that is fresh from a deli. These are corned beef. This is? Corned beef? These are, yes, that is fresh from a deli. These are corned beef. That's a corned beef rash. And it's a cornhole beef. And it breaks out of your genital mound. Way! Can we not say mound? You can say mound.

All right, good to be here. I'm going to turn it over to Dan Van Kirk. Hi, buddy. Hi, buddy. Hi, Dan. Guess who our guest is? It's Nick Swartz. Oh, my God.

I'm late. I just saw some old guy leaving. Carson just split. Carson just... The ghost of Johnny Carson just flew in and out. It's so good to have you on the show. It's good to be here. One of our favorite people in the world.

Someone we've known for a quarter of a century when he was a baby. Yeah. By the way, I loved your special on the Netflix. Thanks, man. By the by. So good, so funny, so you. Nobody tells a fart joke like Nick Swartz. Yeah, I loved your special on the Netflix Thanks, man So good, so funny, so you Nobody tells a fart joke like Nick Swardson Yeah, I dropped some heat, literally

There was some fire fart jokes I was happy with the special I mean, I was like in the middle of tours So I was like completely out of shape And looked like a fucking, just a Michelin man Wait, you mean tour It's hard for you to eat healthy on a tour? Yeah That's where I have a newsflash The road is where I lose all my weight Wait, you mean tour? It's hard for you to eat healthy on a tour? Yeah.

That's where I lose all my weight. That's where most people get healthy. No, I know. It turns out ice cream sandwich, not a real sandwich. Wait a second. Not a real sandwich. It's not what I was told. Turned out Skittles, not a fruit.

Not a breakfast. I thought fruity flavor. Yeah, so, yeah. And then my favorite is we filmed it in Montreal, not a fruit not a breakfast I thought fruity flavor rainbow yeah so yeah I mean and then my favorite is we filmed it in Montreal which I thought was going to be great I'm like oh you know

toured all through the US the show went great I'll drop this on Montreal and they were just kind of like eh you know alright

and then they had this fucking woman in the background if you watch the special it's under comics of the world so they picked a handful of comedians from around the world. And then me, Nicole Byer, Crystal Lee, and Neil Brennan, they picked from USA.

And it was just weird for everybody. But for me, they picked a woman in the background of every shot who just fucking either hates me or just has no idea what I'm saying. I mean, I think it's the first part. No, she's from a different world. She was from Saturn. She had no idea what I'm saying. I mean, I think it's the first part. No, no, no. I think she's

from around the world. No, she's from a different world. She was from Saturn. She had no idea what was happening. Well, we've always had that in Montreal where we're like, this is going to crush. And then we're like, wait, oh, do you guys speak English? I don't know what... You just get the French crowd. Did half the audience secede from this show? That's what

we want to know. Is it what? When we were in Montreal, it was a Quebec city. Yes, that's what we want to know. Is it what? When we were in my... Quebec? Quebec! Well, on this show, we believe the world is getting dumber. Maybe that woman's a part of it. The only way to fight it is through comedy. Daniel Van Kirk has an insane story

that he's going to share with us, a new story, and we get to all break it down. Let's try and figure out why the world's getting dumber. You want to do that, Nick? Yeah, let me just do my comeback to Montreal. So this, I got, it's a beautiful city. A lot of great things about it. A lot of attitude. French Canadians, they fucking, they're not having it.

No, at all. And it's like, even if you're from France or America, they don't like, it's like they're only a part of their own like block. Yes. So I just got annoyed because people were annoying to me. And so I would go, and I know a little bit of French so I would go into stores and I'd be like oh bojo and I'd be like oh bojo and I'd be like oh savant and he'd be like ah bien savant I'm like ah très bien you know and he'd be like oh I didn't he'd start

speaking more French I'm like I'm just kidding can I get a fucking chicken sandwich? Oh, no. Look at their faces. USA. Winner meme. Then I would lay some hot beef, beef curtain mist all up in the French Canada. Eat up my dad. Eat up my dad. Which is the name of the next album?

Eat up my dad. Yeah, that's old Brian Adams right there. Is that old Brian Adams? Was that the one that Glass Tiger sang? You say Ryan Adams? No Brian Adams No Burr Ryan

Oh It's a long Cuts like a knife Dan It's a hybrid It does But it feels so right It does Alright you guys want to do a story?

Let's do a story Let's do it Swin in by Joe Luttrell At the Gentleman Joe Thanks man I love Joe He sends in a lot You know what else he helps?

He lets people know when their story they send me is fake and I appreciate it. Fact check it. People usually dip chips in salsa. A Merrillville man had another idea. Where's Merrillville? Indiana, I believe.

Howard Matthew Webb. Howard Webb is accused of placing his testicles in a salsa container that was then delivered to a low-tipping customer last month. Okay. This is the state sketch. This is what I imagine. Camerino, I want to dip my balls in it. Right.

Remember that sketch? Yeah, I remember that. This is what I imagine happens every time. I'm like, can you send back any food And you're like Balls are gonna go in it I will leave a restaurant if one of my friends Is disrespectful to the waiter

I swear to god I've done it a million times Even at my peak level of starvation I've done that And I'm gonna just jump on this story With another story I can't say who it is But it was my friend's assistant And she was from New Jersey

And she was telling me a story About how she worked at a sandwich shop And she hated her boss And so it was after hours At the sandwich shop Yep And she's with her boyfriend And she gives him a blowjob

Gets the fucking jizz in her mouth And then puts it in a pre-made sandwich for her boss the next day. No! Spits it out on the sandwich, wraps it back up. She goes, I watched him fucking eat it! What? Yeah. What?

Yeah, dude. I mean, that's not a customer relationship, but it's still. So wait, so wait. So your friend was her new boss. She's an assistant to your friend Yes So is that a shot fired to say to the new boss Don't mess with me You better treat me well

I don't think he even heard it She told me But you heard it You heard it I'm sure you related that I'm sure you told your friend Hey, listen, you better be nice to this woman I don't think I did

Nice Good friend you are She makes the best sandwiches I've never had an assistant make sandwiches Is that a poppy seed dressing? I don't know what was on Good friend you are. She makes the best sandwiches. I've never had an assistant make sandwiches. Is that a poppy seed dressing? What is the binding agent? This mayonnaise is a little runny. But I love it.

Dan doing a card. It looks like hand soap. Good God. There's no miracle in this whip. Folks, I... Good God. Go to hell, man. Get a Hellman's. There's no miracle in this whip Folks Good god Go to hell man Get a Hellman So he put

He put his balls He placed his testicles in a salsa container Does it make it balsa? I don't understand If you had a boner it would be balsa wood Fox New band name So Howard Matthew Webb is accused of placing his testicles In a salsa container that was then If you had a boner, it'd be Balsa Wood. Fuck! New band name, new band name, new band name, new band name.

So Howard Matthew Webb is accused of placing his testicles in a salsa container that was then delivered to a low-tipping customer last month. Which means they're punishing this customer off of her last order. Right. Not this one. And it is a she? It's a she? It's not even a no-tip.

It's a low-tipping. Right. You get stiff. Marivaux police arrested Webb on Friday on a charge of, quote, adulteration of food, liquids, or pharmaceuticals. A class C felony. Felony? Not even a misdemeanor.

That's a felony. No. It goes on a record. That goes on a record. The woman who received the salsa had ordered the food on January 12th From a local Mexican restaurant That's our birthday I just want to say that It is your birthday

It is our birthday Shut up Happy birthday guys Fuck off Thanks guys You don't know this Nick Every time I say a date They talk about how far that is away from their birthday

No That is not true Not true What's today? When's the last time we did that Dan? Never We've never I don't think we've ever had that incident

Happen on your birthday Give me a date when the last time we did that, Dan? Never. I don't think we've ever had that incident happen on your birthday. Give me a date when the last time we did that. Yesterday. That was three months away from our birthday. Yeah, three months and a week. Three months and a week away from our birthday. The woman who received the salsa ordered the food on January 12th from a local Mexican restaurant through Dinner Delivered. Here's the first problem. Ordering Mexican

food in Indiana. Yeah. You're asking for problems there. Dinner Delivered is an online food in Indiana. Yeah. You're asking for problems there. Dinner Delivered is an online food delivery service. Webb was... This is a weird little wrinkle in the story. Webb was a passenger in the vehicle driven by the independent contractor who worked for Dinner Delivered. So he doesn't even work for them. For the company.

He's like, I'll get you something. He's just along for the ride. I don't understand. Yeah, you're going to say, how did they find out? So someone... He forgot to take the salsa off his balls. They were still in... Oh, wait, shoot.

Oh, my God. Fuck. I left my balls in that salsa. We got to go back, man. No, dude, it's too late. No, we got to go back, man. It's too late, man. You put your balls in my salsa. You put your balls in my salsa.

You put your salsa in my balls. Two great tastes that taste great together. Balsa. Balsa flavor. Wait, so how did they find out? After the pair picked up the food from the restaurant, they made a video according to the arrest warrant.

Did they post it? Webb produced a video showing Webb placing his testicles in a salsa container and the driver is heard laughing saying that's what you get when you give an 89 cent tip for an almost 30 minute drive. 89 cent tip is pretty bad.

What if the tab was a dollar? We're going to watch the video. No! Alright, spin it. This will be on the Facebook page if you haven't joined it. Wait, so then they posted the video? It's on YouTube. Why in the fuck?

There you go. This is dumb people town. This is where dumb people do dumb things. Dumb people do dumb things. It's a dumb thing to do it in the first place. It's a dumber thing to post it. All right, let's play it. It's a good little opening.

I like the opening. It's a Super Bowl shuffle Is that David Cross? Almost 30 minutes Feels good on my balls Feels good on my balls Oh god A 31 year old man So that's a 31 year old man

We will not be playing Guess the Age So he's a 31 year old man Those man. We will not be playing guess the age. So he's a 31-year-old man. Those are 31-year-old balls going into that salsa. Right. But wait till you see the photo. It's an aged balsa. They've lived.

They've had some life. It's the 31-year-old balls of this guy. Brian Husky. That's a guy who's lived. That's a guy who's lived. my gosh That's a guy who's lit First of all The glasses tells me He should know better

Is that wrong To assume that the glasses And the beard tells me He still listens to Pantera Yep Yeah And the hair tells me He hates his job

That's right He Or hate it He hated his job That's not even his mugshot That's a school picture Good God He was voted most likely To dip balls in salsa Uh huh Or hate it. That's not even a mugshot. That's a school picture. Good job.

He was voted most likely to dip balls in salsa. So he was a passenger in the vehicle. They make the video after previously getting an 89-cent tip for an almost 30-minute drive. Webb is heard saying, oh, oh, it feels so good. That's right. The 14-second clip made the rounds on Facebook, racking up hundreds of shares. Not that many actually. It's a share of shares of people. I got hundreds of views on this video. How did they, so they reported it. How does that work? And then they called the police. They tracked down where the guy works or he doesn't even

work there. Well, no, the driver didn't work there. Didn't the driver work there? The guy in the passenger seat who did the ball, the dude who did it didn't even work. So it didn't affect his life at all. Well, he did. He did. I mean, he became cool as shit. What is his punishment then? There is a felony. I know. God damn it. You don't have to keep saying the fucking word felony. I think it's a felony. Did he just put the tip in?

Police opened an investigation into dinner delivered and contacted them about the video, said Maryville Police Chief Tony Crisp. The driver has not been charged, but the investigation is ongoing. So I'm not giving this guy... It's ongoing.

Let's see how this plays out. There could be layers to this. I'm just saying I received a very heavily redacted version of the investigation. Oh, you did? Oh, my God. I've been reading through it

almost 400 pages on this investigation. Holy shit. What's weird about this... It doesn't prove anything. I'm not supporting what he did at all, but it does take balls to do what he did. It literally does. A woman could not have done it.

That's right. That's not sexist. That's a fact. That's a saying fact. Is it bad that I put all of our microphones on my balls before we started? Yes, I'm from Indiana. It turns out I've been fooling everybody for this moment. A woman cannot have done that

and that is the problem with the ass ceiling. I like that. Go ahead. Would there be a similar punishment if she put her boob into salsa? I don't think so. Do you consider boobs genitals?

If she squirted, if she was lactating and putting milk into the genitals, she would receive milk into the salsa. She would receive... It puts the testicles in the salsa. She would receive the highest medal of honor, the purple nipple.

Oh, yeah. Purple nipple is the highest medal. Stop. The nurple. All right. Okay. It's unclear why web was even in the vehicle. I'm guessing this is how it explained. What are you doing? Going to work? Can I come? That's the whole extent of it. Investigation over. Right. Yeah. Right. Oh, this guy stiffed you before. Watch this investigation over. Do you think I could stop by and get a new piercing? Uh, the driver who had worked for dinner delivered since November, she is now out of a job and quote,

this is what, uh, the spokesperson for diner, dinner delivered said, uh, she will never drive for dinner delivered again. Hello, grub hub. A lot of people affected by this Yeah she sunk a company The ramifications She did or delivered his F She sunk a company in those balls She took No he sunk

He sunk a company He dunked a company He dunked a company into the balsa Can I get a chips and salsa Do you want those nuts dunked on that salsa? By the way, when you dunk balls into the salsa, the ripple effects are huge. I hope that it was so hot. It's like super hot salsa.

He was like, oh, it's so good. But balls don't even disappear. Salsa is so dense that it just laid on top And took like a ball nap And then it just pulled it out It's not like it goes deep in there So deep I put that salsa to sleep Here's another side story

Here's another side story My buddy's 21st birthday And he did this voluntarily Back in old Minnesota St. Paul, Minnesota, we bought him a shot of Knob Creek and we all put our dick knobs in it before he did it. No!

Well, that's nice. Did he know? He found out. Did you post a video online? No, this was pre-video, thank God, when the world made sense. And the good news is that Nick cannot drive for dinner delivered. No, but I have a good breakfast delivery.

They said I'm fine. Wake up with a knob in your cup. Welcome to Indiana. The company, which serves parts of East Tennessee and North Georgia, maybe this is in Tennessee or Georgia, then I have no clue, issued a refund for the order and found no evidence that anyone else's food had been tampered with. By the way, I would never eat salsa ever again.

I would never order from a restaurant ever again. This wouldn't stop me at all. Dan, you're kidding. It's nuts. It is nuts. If you have an intimate sexual relationship with Webb, you've probably licked his nuts. It's good enough for that person. The only difference between me and them is

they care about him. Who cares? Yeah, I mean, nuts, it doesn't do anything. It doesn't do anything except it feels like a violation. You didn't order those nuts. It is a violation, but if you didn't know, you're none the wiser. What if the person who ate it had a nut allergy?

Ah, that's a good point. That's a great point. My throat is closing up. There's gotta be balls in this web who has been jailed in lieu of a $45,000 bond. Now that's a bond for this incident. It's a felony fuck. They've got his nuts in a sling appeared in Blount County general sessions court on Tuesday morning. His preliminary hearing was set for March 12th. So this is all happened since then. Three months after our birthday convicted,

if convicted of the class C felony, a jury would have to find he did indeed. He did the deed with the intent to cause bodily injury to another. I don't think he did. That's a dramatic. Webb could face a sentence. We're going to get out of here on this. Webb could face a sentence of 3 to 15

years in prison. No fucking way. And a fine of up to 10 grand. He's in a chain gang. He's in a chain gang in like 8 years He's like what are you in for I'd rather not talk about it I thought you were doing some serious time

What the fuck did you do out there I killed a family what did you do I put my nuts in some salsa You're fucking disgusting What if that makes him like the king of the prison It won't. It's like, meet my mouth. My mouth's name is Salsa.

Hey, Salsa, come here. Everyone's fucking name is Salsa. Get your nuts out, motherfucker. Put him in here. That's story number one. Story number one. That's crazy. If that guy starts a hard time like that, can you imagine 15 fucking

years? Especially because he looks like he doesn't have that much long left. He's already served hard time. It looks like he served soft time in the prison of life. Alright, that's one story down. He looks like Edward James Olmos' step-kid. He's Edward James Olmos Dunn.

Alright, we'll be back with more Dumb People Town. Right after this with Nick Swartzen. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town with Nick Swartzen.

Follow him on Instagram. He is a fantastic follow. So funny. I got a sweet gram. It's at real Nick Swartzen. Do that. Real Nick Swartzen. At real Nick Swartzen. Great stuff. Good pictures.

Go see him. Are you doing stand-up on the road theaters and such? I don't have. I'm off the road. So I'm building up a new act. Very exciting. Love it. And I'm doing the only dates I have coming up are Irvine Improv June 7 and 8.

And then later, two weeks later, the Ice House in Pasadena. Those are local. Those are local in California And then I'll be popping up, working out stuff Late summer, early fall I'll be bouncing around Do you have certain places you like to go and do that at? Yeah, there's some really cool clubs that I like I love working out at clubs

There's two clubs I like In Tacoma and Spokane That are great Beautiful part of the country. I'm popping over to Minnesota for a month in May and June. Most of May and then a little bit of June.

Acme Comedy Club. There's a lot of open mics, so I'm just going to run around and work out there. You might see me in Minnesota. They'll see me in Minnesota a lot this summer. I want to take time off and watch baseball Twins are so good Twins are really fun

If you go to dinner delivered they give a great spicy salsa Oh my god Is this enough heronics? I need heronics It's a little like nutty tasting I have notes of scrotum Wait Let's do another story Sent in by Greg Priest Did I say who sent in the first one? I have notes of scrotum. Wait, all right. You want to do another story? Let's do another story, shall we?

Let's do it. Sent in by Greg Preece. Did I say who sent in the first one? Yes, you did. Wait, let me just say one real quick. Yes, hit it. I just got a thing on my phone. That guy just signed a movie deal.

Yeah. They're going to, yeah, it's crazy. He's doing a new movie. I think I know what it is. With Sandra Bullock. It's called Scrote Floats. I thought it was going to be The Nut Job 4. He signed a

two-picture deal, I guess. Scroat Floats is great. Garth Brooks is going to sing the title track again. Scroat Floats or The Nut Job 4. Or Hope Scroats. It could be that, too. Hope Scroats is it. Sent in by Greg Priest at Naked Critic.

No clue what that means, but glad you're out there, buddy. Thanks, Priest. Huntsville, Alabama. Yep. Okay. Here we go. Two people were boiling mad. It's funny that you guys have no clue what this is about, and you already know it's a pun.

Yeah. Right? It's terrible. Boiling mad. So they did something where they boiled. Two people were boiling mad as they waited for crab legs at a buffet. Surprising diners and one police officer.

Literally, this is from Huntsville police officer Gerald Johnson. Double G. Literally, as I sat down and maybe took two bites of my plate for Johnson. That's really a reference to nothing happening. They put this in his article. And he's not eating the

food on the plate. He took two bites of the plate. Out of my plate. It's a quote. Literally as I sat down and maybe took two bites out of my plate. Well, what I love about that. Literally what? They don't tell you in this article. It's horribly written. What I love about that is like he considers everything on his plate

as one thing. I took two bites out of my plate of what? Right. They don't even say. For Johnson apparently some Friday evening peace and quiet was too much to ask. Friday evening is where you go out for some fun. Friday evening peace and quiet. Hey guys, it's Friday night.

It's Saturday night at 2am. I just want some quiet. I don't know why all these people are out and drunk. Why does this strip club have to be so loud? I came to read a book. You guys, it's New Year's Eve at 11.58 at night. Shut your mouth. What in the fuck are you guys yelling about?

What should be so important? This is Times Square. God. Who? What? My tent in Times Square. I can't. Why do you have pots and pans outside? This is a meditation seminar. I can't.

This is a meditation seminar. I came here for peace. This is the Democratic National Convention. This is a Ramstein concert. I wanted quiet. Literally, they should run these quotes together. I'm going to try and help this.

Literally, as I sat down and maybe took two bites out of my plate. There's a woman who's beating a man. Police are moving around. Plates are shattering everywhere. See that made more sense when you don't break it up with him. Is this my big fat Greek wedding too? Yes. Yes. No sooner had he dished up a plate at meteor buffet off Memorial Parkway, Jason, I know you're going to do it. So get out the Yelp and let's figure out what Meteor Buffet is all about. Is that a sign that a meteor should hit it?

They're just like, put us out of our fucking misery. Meteor, if you can hear this up in the sky. Also, Meteor Buffet does not indicate at all what type of food they have. My guess is they wanted to name it Meteor, M-E-A-T-I-E-R, and then the guy misspelled it, and he was like, Meteor, and she's like, yeah, I guess. Or maybe it's Meteor Duranian Food. It's like Mediterranean, but they didn't know how to fucking spell it. Hey, you like that Meteor Duranian Food?

And they started spelling it, and then they just quit. They just cut. They're like, we didn't pay the guy for the meal. It's not media. It's Meteor Buffet. Meteor Buffet. Correct. Put your location to Huntsville, Alabama. Do it, Jay. I got it. Johnson says a fight was happening

in the food line. Oh, yeah. By the way, why doesn't this happen more often? It should happen in Vegas all the time. When the Texas toast is gone, that's when people get mad Do you guys like a buffet? I don't love a buffet It depends upon the buffet

Do you like a good buffet in Vegas? Yeah, but I never do it right There's a buffet at Mirage Where I also perform the Mirage in Las Vegas There's a buffet called Cravings Is it good? Yeah, I think it's pretty solid, dude Have you been to the Cravings station up there?

Shut the fuck up, Randy Stop it, Randy At Sklar Brothers I mean, the only thing that's suspect about a buffet Is how they have every kind of cuisine Right, right You know, that's the only You can't be good at everything

You can't make a California roll and a good waffle The good thing about a casino is you can trust that the kitchen is big enough to do it. The Bacchanal at Caesars Palace is supposed to be one of the best buffets. Dan, you cannot unless you are there watching

like a hawk, you don't know how long things have been out. That's my other thing with a buffet. How long has this group been sitting here? That's why my opening act is a buffet. How long has this group been sitting here? That's true. Yeah, but that's why you should... That's why my opening act is a hawk. Don't get the sushi.

Who has dipped... You have a hawk opening for you. Yeah. Who has dipped their balls in the hollandaise? So neither one of you did buffets at your wedding? No.

We had food out at the wedding. You were at my wedding. I was. That's correct. Did you do... You didn't do a food buffet? Here's how much Nick has been in our life. So Nick was at our wedding,

and Nick gave my oldest daughter, Daisy, a little, I know you picked it out. You're like, I'm going to pick out the gayest thing

I've ever seen in my entire life. And it was a rainbow. It was my headshot. It was a unicorn that my daughter, it is my daughter's

favorite thing. At age 14, she will not go. Anytime she goes somewhere, she travels with it. That is her thing. So much so that we had an artist photograph it and that thing is now that she'll have for the rest of her life.

Amazing. Out of this thing that I know Nick was just being silly, it is her favorite thing. It is so great that I look at that thing and I'm like, Swanson gave this to you. It is like her favorite thing. So it is so great that like I look at that thing and I'm like, Swanson gave this to you. It's the coolest thing ever. Change it up.

So why was the woman beating the man? I hope she was beating him with a crab leg. People are moving around. Plates are shattering over. No sooner had he dished up a plate at Meteor Buffet off Memorial Parkway, Johnson says a fight happened in the food line. It's not something you typically hear. If you can imagine a fencing

match, I really can't grab legs, but no, let me, let me just chase it with crab legs. It's over the crab legs over the crab leg. Not with the sound Johnson was hearing was tongs clashing. Oh yeah. They grabbed weapons from the buffet and it's like, it is Ray dong tongue. I love a good buffet, but I don't know. Get it out. Grab a town. There's a club in Zane in, I don't know if it is as Andy's in Huntsville. And I want to next time I'm there, I want to go to the buffet. You got to get your, here's the thing. There's a club in Huntsville Yes

Alabama God bless it It's a very bizarre place Where do we do comedy in Alabama? Way down south At the bottom of Alabama Mobile Mobile's great

Mobile is super cool By the way Mobile They bought up Like all the downtown All the downtown There's one strip of stores Which were

And bars And bars So they could have their spaces rent free Just to rebuild that part of town It was super cool They bought it all for $400 And a couple crab legs At the Meteor Buffet And some salsa

Here's what you have to remember about a buffet As soon as you say the word buffet That's a very lax situation for staff. You don't have waiters and waitresses constantly in your business because it's a do-it-yourself situation. Go get your food by yourself. So that's why I think this was allowed to happen because you have a lot of people, not a lot of staff. It's a free-for-all. It's a free-for-all.

Well, this is my solution. You treat a buffet, some call it a food bar. You treat it like any other bar. You have a bouncer. You check IDs. And you get fucking 86. Right. You're not wearing the right shoes.

You get 86. Dan was a bouncer. I was for a long time. Well, now let's open up a food bar. Let's do food bar. With a buffet. Can we do food bar? Let's do food bar.

You have a list. Let's get a velvet rope. Let's get a DJ. Crab legs back there behind the rope. Hey, DJ crab legs. You don't have the right shoes on. You can't come into this food bar. You have a list? Let's get a velvet rope. Let's get a DJ. Crab legs back there behind the rope. Hey, DJ Crab Legs. You don't have the right shoes on. You can't come into this food bar. Yeah, who are you here to see? Which salad?

You're not on here, man. You're not on Caesar's List. I'm looking on this thing. There's no ambrosia. Dude, shells and cheese don't even work here anymore, man. Come on, dude. Shelly cheese. Bro, you dude. Come on, man. Shelly Chief. Bro, you know me.

I know you. I know you know me, dude. Dude, you got any sluts in that buffet? Come on, dude. This was me when I would bounce downtown LA every Friday. Bro, let me in, dude. Does Mike still work here? No, dude.

There's no Mike. Come on. Mike's a good guest, though, if you're going to ask for somebody. And then it turns like this. You know what? Fuck you, bro. Dude, I don't want to fucking come in this club. And then his other friend's like can we still get in And I'm like no

I've been there on that side where one of the friends goes rogue And you're like yeah what if we just What if Rick takes over And we all hang We're good actually You guys play like good cop bad cop So fencing match with the Tom It's like a fencing match I know It's not something you hear You can imagine a Fencing match with the tongs It's like a fencing match

I know It's not something you hear You can imagine a fencing match The sound Johnson was hearing was tongs clashing The meteor buffet diners were eagerly awaiting The next tray of crab legs coming out of the kitchen Everyone was saying They cut me in line

She cut me in line He cut me in line I was here first Yes they did And you know they were saying I was here first. Yes, they did. I was already. And you know, they were saying I was already here. The guy who went back in the kitchen said, just stay there.

Police arrested John Chapman and Chiquita Jenkins, who was eating at the buffet with her kids. Do you want to see the picture of these two? I mean, this is a pair. I thought you were going to say it was Cheech and Tong. At Sklar Brothers Hey At Sklar Brothers At Sklar Brothers At Pierce Ward and Ish Chiquita

You can guess which one's which One's John Chapman and the other one is Chiquita If you want to see the picture, join the webpage Are they friends? They're bound by fighting They were fighting with each other? These two got arrested for a tongue fight. By the way, this is...

That's gotta be on video. But absolutely, because it's racial, this is about so much more than crab legs. You know what I'm saying? Not if you ask John. Well, he's like not in my America. Don't they have it on camera? They have Polaroids there now, don't they? They should. They'd been waiting

there for their crab legs for a good 10 to 20 minutes standing in a late night subway in New York. When they finally came out, it's very heated. It's like the west fourth street at the sea train, but they got into a fight when they came out. The crab very heated, especially if someone is taking more than their fair share. I'd say you're in, it's a buffet. I'm up front. Yeah. You can't, yeah.

You can't just regulate like how much is too much. It's a fucking buffet. They were just trying to get their sea legs. Every time I'm home in Rochelle, I take my nephews to the China buffet. Oh yeah, you do. And I do like, last time we went, they had to bring out a lot of stuff, and I would tell them, like, don't take it all, because you're going to end up in an altercation here with people. Dan, I love that you're protecting your nephews.

I'm trying. You're protecting yourself. That broccoli and chicken goes fast. Of course it does. That's the crab legs of the China buffet. By the way, a buffet is a place where, like, someone would throw a punch at like an 11 year old.

Oh yeah. And that 11 year old deserved it. Yeah. You know, uh, officer Johnson said after talking with Chapman and Jenkins, they admitted their tempers got the best of him. Chapman is facing disorderly conduct. Jenkins is charged with third degree assault. Both people could end up paying a few hundred dollars in fines.

Well above the cost per plate at meteor buffet. I'm going to ask you guys, I want Chiquita Jenkins to be the mayor of dump. What is the cost per plate at the meteor buffet? I'm going to say, I'm going to go first. Okay. I'm going to say nine 99, nine 99, Jay 1499, 1499. That's a lot. I know it's Alabama prices, but I still think I think it's 1399. And I know I'm like cutting myself off there, but 13, what do we got? You said nine 99. Okay. I will tell you this Chapman suffered a cut to his head in the restaurant fight. Jenkins was not hurt. That's probably why she got a better picture. He's he's got a bandage over his head. He needs it. Okay. To eat at the meteor buffet and wait for 20 minutes for crab legs on a Friday night when you just want some goddamn peace and quiet. We'll go

out of here on this town. He's get your answers in as well, because the cost per play is $10.58. Oh, my God. Swanson. You know. You know. That's what's up, dude. That's what's up. You know.

That was so close. Oh, geez. You were literally 60 cents away. You were one. From the beating of the life. Dude, that's over 10 bucks. From a laceration. In the forehead.

By a tongue. All right tongue There's story two down Dan can you give us a little tease of what we'll see in the final segment What state is it from? That's what I want to know Let me pull it up So we had Alabama And the first one was Indiana And now we're going where?

Tennessee Tennessee We're in the Cumberland Gap I'm sensing a pattern And now we're going where? Tennessee. Oh. Tennessee. T-T-Tennessee. We're in the Cumberland Gap. I'm sensing a pattern. Dick Van Dam. You know what? It has to deal with a pattern.

Okay. There we go. All right. What have I done? Nick Swartzen's with us. He's unlocked the Matrix. One more segment of Dumb People Town. Stay with us.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town, stay with us. Stick around, make a sound, there's more Dumb People Town. All right, before we go any further, we've got to read some names for our Patreon people. How about it, Jay? Patreons, I love them.

Thank you, guys. Patreon.com slash Dumb People Town. Get on it now. There are great new levels, and we want you to all be a part of it. And new features, new things available for you. This is a way for you to support the show and get extra content. All right, Karen Lindsay. Hi, Karen. Karen Lindsay, thank you.

Karen, you know what you did to us, Karen? Yeah, Karen. You know what you did to us, Karen? Stir the sauce, Karen. Chapin. No Carpenter? Son left town just the other day. All right, how about you?

So much that I just had to say. You joined the Patreon, and we're happy, you know? All right. How about to say you join the Patreon and we're happy, you know, Charlie Day fan. Hello. His parents,

his parents named him that Charlie Day fan. I get Charlie Day a lot and I'll take that.

Yeah. I'll take his career. How do you do it? LeJoy. Jenna LeJoy. Jenna LeJoy.

Well, there's John LeJoy who was on the league. Jenna LeJoy. Yeah? Lejoie. Jenna Lejoie. Jenna Lejoie. Well, there's John Lejoie who was on the league. Jenna Lejoie. Yeah. Lejoie? No, does anybody go Gemma? I say Gemma. It's always Gemma.

Gemma Lejoie. Thank you. How about Marshall O'Connor? The Marshall Plan. I've got the Marshall Plan. Sounds like a lyric from a sad Irish song. Marshall O'Connor. The Ballad of Marshall O'Connor.

How about Kevin Finnegan? He wrote the song. Kevin Finnegan wrote the Ballad of Marshall O'Connor. How about Kevin Finnegan? He wrote the song. Kevin Finnegan wrote the Ballad of Marshall O'Connor. Kevin Finnegan, beginning in. Manuel M. Moe Garcia. I love this guy so much. Three M's in a Garcia. And tweets at us a ton. I love whenever you tweet at us.

Is that your favorite new show on ABC? Three M's in a Garcia. That's every show. Samuel Price. Samuel Price is right. Stephanie Sum. The Sum of all of our parts She's amazing Thank you How about this one and two last names in a really cool way

She's her own law firm I don't even know I think this person could be a 1950s author I'm of course talking about Freeman Fisher Freeman Fisher Pillar of the community How about Jennifer Welliver It was Welliver to join this thing Welliver? Welliver. That's a great name.

I know. It was Welliver to join this thing. Welliver sounds like a Harry Potter character. Welliver. Welliver. It's, well, we talked to the Wellivers and they're behind us. The Maylings. The Maylings.

What is the Maylings? It's like the Matrix. We're all living in the Maylings. Oh, the Maylingses. How about Mike Hudson sucks? That is unbelievable. This person had better be Mike Hudson's best friend. If it's mean, it's mean.

If it's mean, it's not that great. If it's done with love, it's fucking awesome. How about Jeff Rogers? Hey, Jeff Rogers. Jeff Rogers. Just a solid guy. I know. Jeff Rogers.

Sounds like a comic book character that was created in 1958. Who's coming to the game with us? Jeff Rogers is going to be there. It's going to be a good time. He's going to guy. I know. Jeff Rogers. Sounds like a comic book character that was created in 1958. Who's coming to the game with us? Jeff Rogers is going to be there. It's going to be a good time. He's going to take the ticket. He said he'd take the ticket. He's driving. Seth Gary.

I love both of those guys. Gary. Hi, Gary. Stephanie Lamparter. I mean, she's a little vulgar for a comic, but I like her. To all those people, we say thank you, thank you, thank you. Especially the Maylings and Freeman Fisher. We there being Pillars Community as well as – Stephanie Sump.

Yeah, Samuel Price, Chapin, and Stephanie. You guys are awesome. Join the Patreon if you haven't already. There's great new content and great stuff for you to build. This is a great way to support the show and give us a chance to keep giving you extra stuff. Patreon.com slash Dumb People Town. Let's get back into it. giving you extra stuff. Patreon.com slash Dumb People Town. Let's get back into it.

Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. The wonderful Nick Swartzen is with us. Daniel, any fun shows coming up? Just go to DanielVanKirk.com. Two more legs of my tour will be coming up in June and July where I'll be in the Midwest and the North. I'm not sure when this drops. I believe we still have...

We're doing a show at Largo. We're doing on May 7th. This show live. We're doing with Tim Heidecker, John C. Reilly, and Amy Mann. That is Dumb People Town. All failures. And we're going to try and resurrect all of their careers. If we can, through Dumb People Town.

Then that next weekend, we are in Bloomington, Indiana at the Amazing Comedy Attic. Have you ever done the Comedy Attic? It's a great little club to work stuff out. Wonderful. You started strong with Bloomington because there's a Bloomington, Minnesota. So then I got excited. Nah, not there.

Then you get back to Acme. Bloomington, Indiana. Is that where they film Breaking Away? It is indeed. Yes. Indiana. Great film. And for those of you out there, check out the movie Breaking Away.

Phenomenal film. Amazing movie. It won the 1977 Oscar for best screenplay. Yep. That is really good. That was one of my favorite sports movies of all time. Yeah. It's phenomenal.

Of all time. It's unbelievable. Dennis Quaid. Young Dennis Quaid. Daniel Stern. Jack Earl Haley. Dennis Christopher. Dennis Christopher.

Paul Dooley. Paul Dooley in his best role. Anyway, we'll be there, and then at the end of the month, we'll be in Utah at Wise Guys, which is fantastic. Oh, Wise Guys is a great club. Supasclaws.com. Check out all the dates. All right. Give it to us, Dan. Last story. Okay, ready?

Honda owners. This is the headline. It was sent in by Carter Thomas, by the way. At Carter Thomas T-O-M-A-S Hey buddy Honda owners Fined by HOA

Because car left Suggestive shape in parking lot What? The car itself left the shape Tennessee Homeowners Association just tried To find a couple for their phallic shape. Their Honda Insight left in the snowy parking lot after they moved their car. I'm going to show you guys the picture.

They blame the owners for that. How can you blame the... Oh, my God. Speaking of a pattern. I just want to put that shape inside of a thing of salsa. Those guys were being dicks for leaving it there. Was that a Honda Civic?

At Real Dick Swanson. I'll take the trophy. Yes! Where was I? Sorry. I cut you off. This is hard to do. The Honda's homeowner, Catherine, explains on a Reddit subreddit Sorry. I cut you off. I'll wait whenever. The civet caused that. This is hard to do to make it look like that.

The Honda's homeowner, Catherine, explains on a Reddit subreddit, wherever you read that, that their condo complex at HOA stuck her and her husband with a fine almost a week after their development was hit by wintry weather. Yeah. We're trying to screw these guys. The HOA. I mean, should we tell everybody the pattern looks like a dick if you haven't picked up on that yet? Go to the Facebook page. Go to the Facebook.com slash dumb people town. You'll know what we're talking

about. Join up. The HOA emailed them saying the penalty was for some unspecified reason pertaining to their car in the snow. Quote, your car, specifically the Honda, left this offensive image on the ground after you left.

Okay, it's not a kid. It's not a dog that shit in your living room. It's a car. You also can't see it from the ground. So if you're walking past, you're not going to be like, oh, my God. Right. Is this season three of American Vandal? That's what I want to know. Is that image just because the NFL shaft is coming up?

Oh, my God. He let me in here. What is happening? Your car, specifically Honda, left an offensive image on the ground as though it's a person. You know what your son did? Hey, maybe you need to have a little talk with your car. It's so funny that the car is an insight when it has no insight to what it's doing today. Thank you.

That's good. Community. Great, passive-aggressive HOA email. Nick's working through a bottle of water across the room. I believe you will see why we have had complaints about it. If I'm that person and I arrive, I can be like, I don't know what you're talking about. I don't see

anything. Is this a magic eye painting? What am I supposed to be looking for? I would just the whole time be like, I'm not seeing this. And literally force them to be like, I don't know. Make them say it. You're pointing at the ground, but I don't understand what you're pointing at. Right. I can't see it.

And they probably won't say the word. One of our residents took the photo and reported it to us out of concern for our younger residents. I would tell them, I go, I'll pay the fine. But in exchange, you have to tell me which person told you this. How about this? Right. There's no anonyms. If I pay a fine, I'm not paying a fine.

I'm paying for information. That's right. Do you want to call it a fine? I want to know whose salsa I'm going to be dipping my balls in later tonight. Oh, my gosh. Seriously want full transparency. If you see that on the ground and you're part of the homeowner or that bothers you, who wouldn't kick some snow over and just

change it? That's all you gotta do. Or just spray paint to make it a square. Spray paint? What the fuck? It's snow. What are you talking about, Randy? It's snow, Randy. Then it would be a square-shaped dick. Randy has no idea what snow is. Randy has no idea.

This is the real thing right now. I think I'm right. I don't think it's snow. That's what I don't understand. Let me see. Let me see it again. It's like a mark. Oh, no.

No, you know what? It is. Those are the tires. No. Yeah. I was looking at as it was frost or it was the cement. That's snow on the ground. Yes.

What the fuck is wrong with you? That's what caused it. That's snow. It's around the car. I literally thought it was like an oil leak or something. I'm like, there's nothing to even be cleaned up. It's just going to melt. So they're fining them for something.

Once the snow melts, that shit's gone. That shit's gone in five minutes. This isn't an ice sculpture that someone made for someone's bar mitzvah. Or that could be an ice sculpture for the AVN Awards. Yeah, totally. That would be great. Now we know where Ron Jeremy lives. Good to see you.

That's his personal spot. Also, if a kid identifies that, then he's fucking A, cool as shit. He's got a good imagination. Thank you. But also, a young child is not going to identify. They're not going to be like, ah, it's a peanut. They're like five years old. My 10-year-old son would think that's the funniest thing in the world, and I to be like Ah it's a penis It's like they're like Five years old My ten year old son

Would think that's the funniest Thing in the world And I'd be like That is kind of funny That's the end of the argument It's an inadvertent Yes It's going to be gone

Right In less than five minutes By the way There is nothing funnier Than the inadvertent penis Nothing funnier No It's out there

It's a snow penis Snow penis Which was the other name For frozen They almost called frozen Snow penis Is that true? Let it grow Let it grow It's a snow penis Which was the other name for Frozen They almost called Frozen Snow penis Let it grow The two of you

At Sklar Brothers And no it's not true Nick Nobody answered your question That was the poster for the movie Blowsin The never ending story Let it snow The image shows a blob of bare pavement Where the car had been parked

And the snow around it Some might say the outline is vaguely penis shaped It's cartoony penis shaped However There's no veins However others might note This could be the dumbest excuse to tattle on somebody, especially considering they had

no control what shapes are made by falling snow. Does the homeowners association need money? I mean, that's what I would say. What if that's going on? Can we have a fundraiser? That's the greatest reply. Like when Rick sends you the email and you write back, Rick, do you need money? Are things okay? Are you just trying to

create money? We all live here. We all live here, Rick. I would then turn it on that. I would take the climate of the oversensitive climate of what's happening today and I would say that I would go to the head of the

Homeowner's Association and say this culture of false accusations is triggering a lot for me and making me feel uncomfortable and I just want to have a safe space where I can park my Honda Insight over a black dick and I can't do it

in this homeowner's association and so you guys are taking away I'm not feeling comfortable and I felt like the parking lot should be a safe space You guys are treating me like I'm Luke Walton over here Hey, why don't they meet to mother nature? Thank you. Hey, Oh, that's what they said. No control over what shapes were made by falling. So yes, somebody was concerned. A child would see some asphalt in the shape of a dick. Catherine

fired back an email to the HOA after she stopped laughing, stating there was no way they were paying the fine for something that was totally out of their control. She threatened legal action to go through. Thank you. What was the amount of the HOA responded that it would not pursue the charge due to there being no bylaws to support it. Exactly. We will end this show with the wonderful Nick Swanson. Well, wait. I think I just got this on my phone. You just got an alert on your phone? Yeah.

She just hired Throbbert Mueller. Yeah. Throb-ert Mueller. That was a pro that I'd like to lead to. It should be explained. Show the image again. You got it. This is,

I'm going to bring this up. This is a legit point right here. Where are the exit tracks? That's dude. I think it just. Where did the car go? It just flew. That's a fucking hoverboard.

Because that doesn't fucking make sense. Those of you find this. Go to the Facebook page. At Nick Swartzen. Real Nick Swartzen Instagram. Solve this shit. How much

did they find or try to find the people for their dick-shaped spot in their parking lot? $800,000. Is that official? Is that an official guess? No. Official guess, $150. $150.

$75. $75. I think they tried to, like, $250. $250 for Randy. I think they wanted to make it hurt. $150? Yeah. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75. $75 make it hurt. 150? Yeah, 75. 75.

250. The amount, we will leave everyone on this fact, the amount for all of you townies, play along wherever you are, scream in your cubicles and in your cars on your way home, that the homeowners association

tried to find these people for a dick-shaped spot in their parking lot is $100. Oh! Jason Sloan. Very nice. Nicholas Swartzen,

thank you so much for coming on Dumb People Talk. Great to see you guys. A lot of dumb stuff happening here. A lot of dumb stuff, man. A lot of dumb stuff.

And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb