Dumb People Town - Nick Thune - Life Bits

Episode Date: April 5, 2022

This week Nick Thune comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a big transportation mess. The second story is a little buggy. The final story is a classic flamethrower mistake.This podcast is sponsored by BetterHelp and Dumb People Town listeners get 10% off their first month at BetterHelp.com/DPT. Go to Shopify.com/dpt, ALL LOWERCASE, for a FREE fourteen-day trial and get full access to Shopify’s entire suite of features.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population soon. Nicholas. Thune. Hey buddy. Nick, what's your middle name? Ivan. Yeah, Nicholas Ivan Thune. Nick I Thune. Dude, that's a history name right there. That's pretty powerful. Yeah, that's the answer on the test. Nicholas Ivan Thune. Yeah. The third. Dude, welcome to the show. You were our first guest ever. Ever. Yes, the very first Dumb People Town guest. Feels so good to be back.

How many episodes have you guys had? Only three. Oh, six. Minis, a couple of minis. A couple of minis. So yeah, this is number seven. Wow. It is so nice to have you back.

And I am lucky enough to get to see you in the hood all the time, walking around with your son or riding a bike with your son or hopping on a moped with your son. You do so many activities with your son and I'm always walking by myself and I have to remind you. I also have a family that I'm just neglecting. I'm involved with them too. You're doing a lot of great shit with your son.

I'm doing nothing with my kids right now. I'm just walking around and I wave and we talk. You catch me in dad mode. I catch you in dad mode all the time. But that's a lot. Because I'm a single dad though. So when I have them, it's like the world. Intense.

What are we doing, dude? Yeah, pack it in. I love all of that stuff. I could watch you fishing with your kid through binoculars and safe distance. Is that weird? No, the stuff that you post on Instagram. I could watch you sleep with your kid in a tent. Technically, anybody could if they wanted to.

If they wanted to. I could, and I would. But I'm happy that you're here and we can just goof around and be funny and make dumb comedy about dumb things. We were talking about that

before the show. That's like the biggest compliment that you can get is someone sees the joke that you did and they're like, that is so dumb. And you're just like,

thank you. Thank you for that. We're not trying to, it's not, that's the good kind of dumb. I think there's another kind of dumb that exists in this world which is,

which leads to larger issues. Yeah, I say it on stage. I have no room for galvan of dumb. I think there's another kind of dumb that exists in this world, which leads to larger issues. Yeah, I say it on stage. I have no room for galvanized dumb. Yeah, let's not. Like weaponized dumb. We like dumb that's like, what happened here? What? Who?

Okay, let's jump into a story, shall we? You want to do one? Okay, here we go. This was sent in by Eric James Hiltner. I'm a member of the Hiltner Honors Program. You are? Yes. And EJH3, the word, not the name.

Kyle Hiltner. I'll say this. The honors points in the Hiltner Program allows you to stay at a Marriott courthouse. That is problematic. When he's the new guy at work, like, hey, honest opinion. You a fan of Hiltner? They're like, what? Hiltner! Hiltner, get in here of hiltner like what we're over here we're over here no one knows his first name right over here hey is hiltner coming great full full hiltner

he went he went full hiltner yeah i have a hiltner stash i'm gonna read you guys this headline i don't want to save it we'll still roll it out in a fun way, but here it is. Port St. Lucie man arrested after train hits his stolen car and then the car flies into nearby home. I added things to make it make sense. They wrote it

as this. Man arrested after train hits stolen car, car flies into nearby home. I love it. I always say this a lot because we get these. Man arrested after train hits stolen car. Car then flies into nearby home. This is like the beginning of Magnolia.

Was he the train? We're talking about the guy riding the train? Yes, 100%. Commuter has terrible morning. I just parked my car at the train station. Nothing wrong there. The Martin County Sheriff's Office arrested a Port St. Lucie man for multiple crimes on Saturday. It's a full weekend. I'm just going to say something here and tell me, is this crazy?

I can't believe there are trains in Florida. That strikes me as odd. It doesn't sound like a one-way deal, right? Right. Like, commuters just take fan boats, right? Right. To, like, work. Where are they training?

I mean, could you train up and down Florida? I don't know. I'm not sure. I'm on the 605 to Tampa. I've never heard that phrase ever said. Yeah, when I go to, I went to Florida when I was in my 20s, and I got a URail pass. Yeah. You went right after college with a couple of buddies.

You stay in the youth hostels, and you pop around. Can I ask you guys an unrelated question I've been wondering for a while? A floral travel. Have any of you been to the Keys? Never. Have you? I have, yeah. Is it different down there?

What's it like in the Keys? It's very different. I heard it is actually very different. It's weird. Yeah. It's like a different. Is it different like New Orleans? It doesn't feel like America.

Right? That's what I've heard as well. Because it feels like the Caribbean? It feels like that? Or it feels's what I've heard as well. Because it feels like the Caribbean? It feels like that? Or it feels more like? It feels very confused. I don't think you're lying. I don't think you're lying.

I think that's probably exactly what it is. It's kind of like, where are we? And everyone living there is like, we don't know where we are. We all kind of slid down here. All we know is that we're sinking. There's a comedy club there, and I want to play it. It's almost like, you know when you ring something out and you just get

it's all into the back corner? That's all the people down there. They just been wrung out of America and then they just wind up in the keys. It's the backwash. Bradford Weitzel told sheriff's detectives I have a Bradford in my life. One of my best friends is Bradford.

I love your Bradford. And also, he's a Bradford W-2. Bradford W-2. Not W-2. He's in the war. Weitzel's Pretzels? That guy? Oh.

Yes. I love the little nuggets. Of course. Weitzel's Pretzels is a Weitzel's Pretzels for whites only. Oh. And that is not appropriate. No. I don't like it.

Only in the Keys. Yeah. Bradford Weitzel told sheriff's detectives that he could not find his car after leaving a bar early in the morning. So, quote, he stole one in good faith to locate his own. These aren't bikes that you just know. It's not like the Amsterdam bike rule. Right. It's not one of those cute libraries that are like, take a book, leave a book. Was Amsterdam way ahead of its time with the bike rule? They basically foretold the bird scooter, right? Yeah.

I mean, they just had bikes. Right. There was just bikes. You just go take a bike. Go here, leave it here. Someone else takes it over there. And we all trust each other. Yeah, just take it.

Just make sure you lean it over. That's what weed does. Weed makes people like, well, I don't have to take this. I'm just going to use it. And then someone else can use it. Or not now. Now. I know.

I mean, does weed even do anything anymore? I don't think it does anything anymore. I don't feel like I've ever seen somebody high anymore. Super high. Apparently you haven't seen a Doug Benson show. So he said, hey guys, cops, I left the bar early in the morning and quote, I stole

a car in a good faith effort to locate my own. A good faith effort. I like the idea though because he knows that he parked somewhere by the bar. Sure. So why would he need to get into a car just to circle the block? How far do you think you need to go? Or he's like, someone stole mine. I'm just trying to use this car to find mine.

I'll give this one back. See, now you're speaking about entitlement. Someone obviously took mine, so then I'm going to just take this one. But only until I find my own. It's a good faith effort. All the good faith is out the window when you get hit about entitlement. Someone obviously took mine, so then I'm going to just take this one. But only until I find my own. It's a good faith effort. All the good faith is out the window when you get hit by a train. I mean, to me. Well, that's what.

Here we go. So he parked it and then it took off? He informed Martin County Sheriff's detectives that during his search, very diligent, I'm sure, he ended up on the train tracks along Indian River Drive. He also claimed the stolen vehicle stopped suddenly on the tracks as a train was coming. No. I would like to say at this point, sorry, I think this guy got drunk, stole a car, wanted to have a train hit it. Yeah.

And he drove it to a train track. This is his version of putting a penny on the track. Yes. But he did it with a large car. Yeah, he's like, oh, let's see what happens. I want to see what happens. He is literally in that statement right there trying to blame the car. Yeah, he's like, oh, let's see what happens. I want to see what happens. He is literally in that statement right there trying to blame the car. Bradford

said, for whatever reason, the car said, leave me. It stopped on the track. It's like a golf cart when you drive to where you can't drive anymore. Bradford said he got out of the vehicle, leaving it on the tracks. Bradford then told the sheriff's detectives he ran from the vehicle which was hit by a train, quote,

catapulting it into a nearby home where the homeowners were sound asleep. Oh, my God. Can you imagine that? No. A train car comes into your house? Yeah, I can imagine that. I can imagine that. What do you think it is when you wake up?

You hear a car go into your house. This is it. This is the car into the side of the house. We'll put this up on social media. I can't even tell what I'm looking at there. It's just a big wreck of a car up into the side of a house. Did it go into their bedroom or was it a noise? I don't know.

That's the thing. It was like they were asleep. Did they stop having sex? You wanted fireworks in this marriage. Here you go. Fortunately, they were not physically injured, although the explosive sound of a driverless car smashing into the side of their home was clearly jolting.

Terrifying. Meet the future. As though they were like, Honey, did that sound like a driverless car? It was clearly jolting. Yes. Oh, yeah. It definitely. Officers. Just them in bed like,

How do you get that? You get it. You get it. I'm going to sleep. There's an op-ed that I love. Plus the snooze on their alarm again. Officers report that Bradford continued to a nearby fruit stand get that. You get it. You get it. There's an op-ed that I love. Officers report that Bradford continued to a nearby fruit stand where he vandalized the business.

Was that in good faith? Yeah. I took it until he found his fruit stand. I couldn't find mine, so I'm just vandalizing this one in good faith. Someone clearly vandalized mine. What kind of vandalizing though? I mean, does it say? It doesn't.

It just says he vandalized the business. Stuck his penis in some grapefruit. God forbid. They say he also then attempted to steal a forklift. This is a full knife. This guy. Oh, my God. He's a one-man party.

You know after he vandalized the fruits, and he's like, what's next? So he never notified anybody like, hey, this car that I was borrowing basically got hit by a train. Right. Flew into a house. And since I'm pretty innocent, I'm just going to go vandalize something. And then go steal a forklift. He's like, you want to get me on the forklift in the fruit stand? Fine.

All right. But the car was a good faith effort to just find my own car. That was a good faith effort to get my own car. Also, he kind of needs to get caught, right? He wants to get caught. But it's my point. If he sees any of his buddies the next day and they're like, what'd you do last night? And he tells this whole story, no one believes him.

And then you stole a forklift? Right, right. Stop at the fruit stand. Or just the fruit stand. You know what I believe? I believe you fucked up a fruit stand. I don't believe the car. I don't believe the car in the air.

I don't believe the house, the train. So here's my question, and this is where you just completely don't believe him. Like, did you drive across train tracks when you parked your car? Did you have to cross train tracks? It's not a hard thing to remember. No, you parked at the bar. No one parks far away.

Or you don't even have a car. This is a fun bit, by the way. There's in Highland Park, there's that train. Yeah. I do this. It works every time. Even if you tell somebody that you do this sometimes, it'll be in the midst of it. You know when you drive over the things that you're not supposed to reverse back over?

Yeah, sure. The spikes. Yes. Every time I'm in the car with somebody, I drive over it, and then I stop for a second and go, oh, shit. I love it. I love it. No, no, no. If you ever are going over train tracks. Just you turning back.

Oh, it's all it is, is the back. It's looking back. Oh, that's good. But also the, which nobody does anymore. You know, people are just looking right here. No, because you've got the camera, right? I love a good one. That's like good.

Yeah. But if you ever go over train tracks and you just stop, you know, and just stop there and put it in park for one second. People lose their brains. Really lose their shit. You need to go. You need to go. Go, go, go, go.

So here's what I want, and I think you should do this just because I love your Instagram and I love all the things you're doing there. I think you should do just, these aren't bits for stage. These are just life bits with Nick Thune. So these are bits that you just do in life. Because we have those bits that we just do for our friends. We just do that thing. It's like, why not we just do for our friends. We just do another thing. It's like, why not show just a series of life bits with Nick then?

I pulled one last night that was a good, one of my favorite restaurant. Give it. It's everybody at the table orders. Okay. So she goes around the table, comes to me. I'm like, you know, no, you go. You go. Yeah.

And then it's to me now. And everybody's just kind of like, well, once Nick's done, we can start talking again. So everybody's kind of, you know, once Nick's done, we can start talking again. So everybody is kind of looking down. It's funneled down, and I put my order in, and he goes, okay, great. And I go, yeah, and that will all be on the house. And it's just – it's a throwaway without eye contact. Like you've got something else to do on the table. You need other business to do on the table. Akin to that, a close neighbor to that that I always love is when a big group of people is together and clearly we're all going to share it is after everyone orders, quiet moment.

Nick, by the way, thank you for taking all of us out tonight. That's so nice. We didn't ask for it, but thank you. It's just amazing. Thank you. It's just this guy. My favorite is canceling something they don't have. So I was in Boston doing shows, and I go, can I just get a root beer?

And the guy goes, we don't have any root beer. I go, you know what? Cancel it. Cancel that. And he goes, no, we don't have any. I go, you know what? Then I don't want it. He goes, it doesn't matter if you don't want it. We don't have any.

I go, ooh. That's not how you're making me want it. I went with this guy. I'm not shitting. I swear to God. I went back four or five volleys with him. Because he's like, he doesn't understand. Yeah, he doesn't understand.

I like it too. Like, I'll take a root beer. We don't have them. Oh, you know what? Maybe I'll get something else. Great. And then he's like, well, you kind of have to. And then you go, I know.

I think I'm going to. Well, you have to. You're like, hang on a second. Let me think this over. Let's forget the root beer. Oh, it's my favorite. Let's park the car on the tracks. Also, when you walk into a busy restaurant, it's just like me and you, Rand.

And they're like, how many? I'm like, 17. They're coming. Right. They'll be here. They'll be here. I have to wait for all of them to be here before we order? That's so weird.

16 of us are here. Can we be seated? Nope. Nope. In the end, Bradford Whitesell said that he thought it was best to flag down the responding deputies to let them know he was still looking for his car. So he's saying he flagged them down after stealing the forklift. Hiding in plain sight.

He's like, hey, just so you guys know, I witnessed a ton of stuff that I did. But also, Jordan Rubin. It's Jordan Rubin. Jordan Rubin's great joke about how bad the drivers are in New York City. He said, you can just let me off right up here on the right in that accident that you're in. Drivers are New York City captains. You can just let me off right up here on the right in that accident that you're in. Deputies arrested and charged Bradford Whitesell with grand theft, criminal mischief, and additional charges are expected. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him.

And then you're going to tell me how old you think Bradford Whitesell is. By the way, photo doesn't always mean you're going to know. That's our guy. He looks like a more sort of been hit in the head more times John Cena. He's like John Cena. He looks like evil Sal Volcano. Yeah. Or like he's just a big dude.

He's kind of jacked. Did he hotwire the car? I'm wondering. He had to have. Yeah. That's my theory. Does he own any shirts that aren't V-necks? Overly stretched out.

Yeah. Overly stretched out collar. How old do you guys think Bradford Whitesell is? 32. 32. Okay. I'm just guessing he's younger than he looks. Okay.

32. He definitely looks like he's had a rough go of it. Dude, I think he's like 27. 27. I'm going to go 36. 36 years old? 36. 36, 32, 27. Okay. Good measurements. to go 36. 36 years old? 36, 32, 27. Okay.

Good measurements. Scream at your radios. All right. Ready? Scream at your ham radios. Get your answers. Look at how the story went on this. Brad Weitzel, the guy who couldn't, he responsibly left the bar early, although probably shouldn't

have been driving anyway. Good faith took this car. Didn't. Good faith. Stole a car in good faith. Amsterdam bicycled the car. It got stuck. Not him on purpose,

on the train track. Got hit by a train. Train flew into a house. He vandalized a fruit stand. After a car that you took in good faith is on a train track that gets hit and vandalized a fruit stand. And then try and steal a forklift.

We've all been there. In good faith. Bradford Whitesell is 38 years old. Oh, wow. Andy sneaking in. So he looks good. You thought he was 27.

But he's on the edge of 17. Yeah. Always. All right, there you go. Whenever somebody says how old, I always think, oh, it's going to be so radically different than what my body's telling me. Sure. You go against what you're thinking.

You're like, oh, this guy is. So what was he telling you? Oh, he said 32. Yeah, but then I thought maybe he's like 60. That'd be great. That'd be great. He also strikes me as the type of guy that when he shakes your hand, breaks it. Yeah.

Just breaks it. He loved Many Saints of Newark, though. There you go. All right, guys, that is the first story. It's down in the books. When we come back, we're going to find out what Nick Thune is doing and let you know what we're doing and all that good stuff. It's Dumb People Town.

Don't go nowhere. I mean, don't go anywhere. I mean, just stay. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. That's DPT, for those of you if you're nasty.

And before we get into all the great things Nick Thune is doing, Daniel Van Kirk is coming to a town near you, hopefully. Yep, true. Let's sell it out. This week I'm on tour. I'm going to be in Albany. And then I'm in Worcester. How did I do?

And then Boston. And then two nights in Philly. And then this Sunday night I'm in New York City So this is all from the 5th through the 10th And then I will be at Moontower Comedy Festival With the Sklar Brothers

You guys are doing Tag It, right? We are doing Tag It Are you doing like some foosball stuff? They're not having it this year I don't think that's happening this year But we'll have it back next year We're doing Tag It Which is our show for people who don't know

Our friends, comedians, go up and tell jokes and then Jay and I are feverishly writing tags for them offstage and then we come onstage and keep them onstage. Give me a tag that made my album. Thank you. And we pitch people tags. It's like so much. It's literally the most fun thing ever. We're also doing a live Dumb People Town. Guests are going to be announced. Maybe they are by the time

that this drops. And then right after that, I will be going to Asheville, Atlanta, and Savannah. And then right after that, I will be going to Asheville, Atlanta, and Savannah. And then right after that, I will be going to San Antonio, New Orleans, and Mobile, Alabama.

That is all between now and like the 10th of May. So go to danielvankirk.com and then catch me at the end of May

at the Come and Take It Comedy Festival. One way to ensure that Daniel and us keep continuing to go on the road is by coming out. I mean,

it does really work. 100%. That's it. We will be, as Dan mentioned, in Moon Tower. And then next month, we are performing at a place called The Crocodile in Seattle. Have you done that room? Yeah. It's a cool room.

Yeah. Very excited. We're super excited about that. Classic, amazing place. And, of course, we have our Patreon.com slash Sklar Brothers. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats. And we just were starting to edit The Nosebleeds. We're going to tell you guys how to watch that show. That is our new Fight Pass reboot, UFC reboot of Cheap Seats, which we're very excited about.

We'll give you all those details as they come out. Nick Foon! How can people follow you? You've got a show kind of in Nashville, am I right? I've got a show in Nashville, April 7th at Zany's. Sell it out. Let's sell that room out, damn it. Yeah, I'm doing it. I'm actually just going there

to film something with Nate. How do I pay for this trip? You do a night there. That's great. Then I'll be in Dallas April 14th through the 16th at the Addison Improv. Oh, nice. Great. St. Charles, Missouri, The Funny Bone.

Okay, nice. April 28th through the 30th. And then St. Charles, Missouri, the Funny Bone. Okay. Nice. April 28th through the 30th. And then May 20th, Raleigh, North Carolina. Oh, at the Improv. Yeah. Great. So when you're in St. Charles, that's St. Louis. I mean, that's essentially where we grew up.

Yeah. So we'll give you lots of great places to go eat. Yeah, I've never been there. Oh, it's great. We'll give you lots of cool things to do. I think I've been there maybe. Who knows? Yeah.

It's one of those cities that's like, I think I been you know st charles is just west st louis but we'll give you some options uh all right daniel should we jump into another story let's do it here we go by the way follow nick on on instagram oh he's a great follow phenomenal yeah well thank you at nick thune right at nick thune great we do it okay guys yes man with record-breaking insect tattoos this was sent in by first liz or third at liz hagerty i'm like at what point do you get three and say now i'm gonna start to go for the record you you have a bunch of record-breaking mean though whose record like the coolest one yeah yeah what is this book okay so guinness book if you read the guinness book of records like there's a moment where you, so Guinness Book, if you read the Guinness Book of World Records, there's a moment where you're reading through it and you're like,

oh, yeah, Guinness is a beer. Right, it's just a bunch of drunk people. Just drunk people sat around. They're like, what's a record? Go juggle and run a marathon. Because a lot of drunk people do things. They're like, how many times can we do this? And so then that's how you dovetail.

Well, the other thing to know about Guinness Book of World Records is the government isn't sanctioning this. No. This is just a group of people that are like, hey, we'll make people think that this is legit. We'll verify your record. Like someone comes out in a sport coat and a stopwatch around their neck. You're like, stopwatch? We're judging how many times you can skip a rock across water.

What's the stopwatch for? What are we timing? They're like, well, we forgot our clipboard. So we got that. We're drunk. We're Guinness. Guinness, by the way. We're a foamy beer.

This is something I find amazing, that you can just own clipboards. Yeah. You can just go buy one. And people will think you're in charge. And you can just walk around and walk into a Best Buy, load up. You guys mind loading up all those Samsungs into the- Because if you walk around- I've got my orders right here.

...inventory. Yeah. And all you need is that and a blue polo. Maybe the blue polo is optional. I found this out at a fucking Halloween party once where I was like, last minute, hey, do you want to go to this party? I look in my trunk,

and I had just done the Colorado School of Mines. I don't know. And so they gave me a hard hat, and then I had a clipboard, so I just put a hard hat on and a clipboard, and I walk into this party. Nobody bothered me. Yeah, I'm checking for studs.

This must be a load-bearing wall. You're knocking on a lot of stuff. Yeah. Was this a table? Yeah. Is this a stud? Are there studs in tables? Is this a load-bearing table? What's underneath it? All you do is just check it off and move on. That's so funny.

That would be such a great Halloween costume, guy with clipboard, with or without hard hat, and then throughout the night at the party, you're giving people their performance reviews. Yeah. That would be fun. Hey, do you mind just grabbing a seat really fast? Yeah, I just want to talk to you about what we've seen here tonight.

I overheard that last conversation. Good start. You started well. Great start. I saw you met that guy, uh david i'm happy for you you met somebody but you did bring up your ex twice in that conversation so like twice early so it's clear again i'm not gonna ding you on that i'm just saying look look at that in the future yeah you know maybe you bring her up if you're gonna do it you got to shoot the moon and bring

it up a lot right and then also or not at all And also, you still ask them their goals for the night. Like, where do you see yourself in 20 minutes at this party? Dave, it's in the bathroom doing coke, man. You're on the line. Dan, you have to do this. Come with me. Party, yeah. Party resources.

Party performance reviewer. Also, you could just take the clipboard and stand in front of the bathroom and just sign people in and out. Guys, would you mind? All right. Go ahead. Before you go in, sign in and the time and your email. Wow and out yeah guys would you mind just go ahead before you go in sign in and the time and your email and then well two minutes good work good work good work good work you'll get them next time who do you work for i work for the bathroom

i work for the lad bathrooms.com it's uh bathrooms.com would be we're a subsidiary of hotels.com. I'm now going to look up and see if there is a bathroom. There's 100% bathrooms.com. And do you think it's a business or do you think it's people? I'm going to ask you guys. I think it's a wholesale interior design business. Or I think they just sell used.

So Dan says wholesale interior design. What do you say, man? I say used bathroom accoutrement, whether it's faucets or stuff like that. Like Kohler or somebody probably owns kitchens.com. Like I guarantee you. Bathrooms.com. I hope it's like just a bathroom review site. I hope it's a video you never wanted to see in your life.

Is it a thing, Jay? Hold on. It's really hard to listen. Let Dan continue on this because Jay doesn't have any. I'm just going to do it right here. Bathrooms.com. I'll look it up and I'll interrupt at a chemo. No, I got you.

Here we go. Ready? Bathrooms.com. Is it a thing? I nailed it. It hasn't loaded yet, but it says the bathroom showroom. This has to be. This is a thing.

Yeah, it has to be. It's taking a long time to load. They probably use flash. That's why I was having trouble. It's taking a hard time. No, you're not wrong. When people come over, they're like, do you have a bathroom? I'm like, yeah, I have the bathroom showrooms right over here.

Look. Bathrooms.com. Dan, you were right. Pay monthly finance option now available. 250 showrooms nationwide. I'm financing a couple bathrooms right now. I feel oddly proud of myself. Bathrooms.com, to me, is the worst place that you have to go on the weekend.

Honey, we got to go to bathrooms.com. Your wife was probably like, I'm at bathrooms.com once a month. She's probably like, she knows exactly what it is. I know Mark at bathrooms.com. He's the one who tells you what to do. Just tell Mark that you're my husband.

Email Mark at bathrooms.com. And that's the email. What's your email? It's email Mark at bathrooms.com. He's going to hook you up with a couple of colors. That's just like my hotmailguyatgmail.com. That's my hotmailguyatgmail.com. Perfect.

Life bits. Hotmailguyatgmail.com. A New York man who earned a Guinness World Record by getting a ton of tattoos of insects on his body revealed an unexpected fact about himself. He is single. No. I hate bugs. Why? This is immersion therapy? This is like the craziest immersion therapy?

Like the cicadas, his penis only comes out once every 17 years. But I think it's fascinating that he would diminish them to bugs when it's all about getting insects. Yes. These little bugs. Michael Amoya. One, two, three, four vowels, one consonant. What's the record? I'm curious. These little bugs Michael Amoya One two three Four vowels

One consonant What's the record I'm curious How many For how many vowels In one consonant I think it's several And by the way

His Yeah I think it's Yvonne Gouligan Are you counting the Y As a vowel There is no Y Amoya Amoya

Amoya Okay A-M-O-I-A So he's like The reverse of us We have too many consonants You guys do have a lot S-K-L People can't handle Three So he's like the reverse of us. We have too many consonants in us. You guys do have a lot.

We have S-K-L. People can't handle three consonants in a row. It's so weird to me that people can't handle that. It's too difficult. You naughty boy. I didn't even make it in there. I didn't even make it in there. Nick Boone over here taking photos.

Okay, here we go. Yeah. He confirmed to the Guinness Book of World Records, Michael Amoya, was confirmed, sorry, by the Guinness Book of World Records as earning the record for the most insects tattooed on the body when his tattoos were officially tallied at how many insect tattoos do you think he has to break the record and he hates bugs nick how many do you have you probably about 15 yeah i don't know really that'd be my guess depends on if you're grouping or if you're individual i think there's a lot yeah there's enough i remember when you only have like one here and that was it.

Yeah. These are like, are these the last like five years? Yeah. Yeah, pretty much. You have a full koi pond on your hip and I think it's beautiful. It's beautiful. It's gorgeous. All right.

So what do you think? I mean, is it a thousand? You want to go a thousand? Yeah. Okay. A thousand. I feel like it's going to be a round number. It's not going to be some odd number.

He went for it. I think he's going to have 80. 80. Okay. So I definitely think he found out what was the record beforehand, and then he's like, I'm going to do one more. Okay. So I think like 627.

The total. And Townies, wherever you are, play two. Shout out. Shout it out in your home office. The total of insect tattoos on Mike LaMoya, 864. Whoa! Nicholas Thune. So smart.

864. That's a lot. 864. So 863 was the previous. Look at him. This is a lot of tattoos, guys. That's a lot. 864. So 863 was the previous. Look at him. This is a lot of tattoos, guys. That's a lot. That's a lot of wasted space, too, because, I mean, those are some big insect tattoos.

That front tattoo is a lot. But then, you know, how many spiders? These are all ants. He has a scorpion on his face. These look like bad tattoos as well. Well, it's just the side. And then he has a web on his ear. And he has a dragonfly around his eye.

A dragonfly on his ocular bone. Does he just have like a... He's a centipede, right? That's a human centipede. Does he have any non-insect tattoos? I guarantee you he does. And he has to tell you about that one too.

Does he have a butterfly on his lower back? What if also he was unaware? Somebody was just like, hey man, I was looking at your insect tattoos. I think you might have a world record on your hands. He's like, what? I don't know, man. No way, man. No, no, you have 864, and the old record was 863.

Really? You just broke it. Well, we're going to do that now. Amoya took the record from a British man named Baxter Milsom. Cool name. By the way, you just took away that guy's identity. Yeah. Who had how many tattooed on his body.

So what was the record he broke? Now, you know the current record stands at 864. What do you think Baxter Milsom had on? So this is really a question about how you think. Who is the Amoya guy? Does he want to be so far out ahead or did he have a ton like nick said and then found out so he didn't even know how far this is an interesting record though because if the wreck all he has to do is just get more tattoos that's

right right the other guy can just catch up and just defeat and then it becomes an arms race if the record's like the fastest to do the rubik's you know, like that's or like the longest fingernails. Yeah. Let's say they are. Let's let's cap him at 864. How much money do you think that is? But on your body. 864 tattoos.

I want to go back to fingernails. They don't look like good tattoos. No, they don't. True. Guy with second longest fingernails in the world. Like that guy's wife is like, you're not going to win. Clip him. This is so annoying.

He wasn't even going for the record. Yeah. I'm the love of fuck that guy i'm here for the love i do it for me i happen to be second okay whatever i don't even care uh well how much money would you say that is it's gotta be i don't know you're right you said some of them look free like but at least i have some tattoos that are like you know expensive and some that aren't right you know and people that's a lot but that front one alone is a lot of work. A lot of it has to do with the artist. I know, but that's at least a $500 tattoo on the front. Oh my God.

Every tattoo has to do with the artist. Okay, how much do you think the record was? He's at $864. So did he just top it? What is Baxter Milsom sitting at? At least when this is reported. He might be in the chair right now. Well, here's the thing.

If he knew the record and he was like, I'm going to surpass it and then just kind of keep going and then I'll tell people. Right. Oh, yeah. Or did he find out like, hey, you probably are close. I need to clear it by 10. I'm going to say he's an idiot and the record was like 400. 400?

Okay. And then all of a sudden he was like whoa i really went far um i didn't need this 725 725 so i think you want to give enough distance to to discourage the other guy from coming to get him he strikes me 860 860 and he's like i'm gonna go four above okay one of you guys got within two oh of how many if it's Nick, I'm going to die. If it's 402, I'm going to die. Or 398. So we get to go up or down by two.

Baxter Milsom lost the world record when our guy Michael got 864 because he has 402. Oh my god! Nicholas Thune! Oh my god!. Nicholas Thune. Oh, my God.

Nicholas Ivan Thune. That's crazy. Why does this feel so good? Because it should. I don't know what it's supposed to be. God, that feels good, right? Oh, my God. And it translates to nothing.

Nothing. Pride, pride. Later tonight, I sneak into my son's room. Hey, buddy, wake up. I guessed wrong. You have him guess first. Your dad is pretty smart. You're so first your dad's pretty smart you're so wrong dad's pretty smart and your son wakes up he's like are we taking a bike ride no no no no

i just want to tell you i guessed i just i just took a car and left it on some amoya whose tattoos began with a red ant queen inked on his forearm when he was 21 years old said people often wrongly assume he loves insects that's also also like... I wonder why. Right. A lot of people think I like bugs. Actually, it's the complete opposite. I'm afraid of bugs. I hate bugs.

But it has multiple meanings. That's why I put them all over my body. What has multiple meanings? It's some dark meaning, but more of a positive message. I don't even know what that means. What are you talking about? I don't know know what that means. What are you talking about? I don't know.

Does he just go around and speak about it? You know, like, his pod. Right. Well, if you think about it, bugs are, you know. He does motivational speaking

where he's like, he does a whole story about a guy who was afraid of something and got them and then he goes, and I brought that guy with me tonight.

He's right here. And then I realized bugs are on the bus. He's right. We know, dude. We're looking at you. takes his shirt off. This whole time I thought I was helping the tattoos and I realized the I was around the bar. He's right. We know, dude. We're looking at you. Takes his shirt off. This whole time I thought I was helping the tattoos, and I realized the tattoos were helping me.

It's a dark message, but it's also. When there were only six insects on my legs, that's when. That's when you knew the spider carried you? Yes. That's story number two, my friends. Goddamn. Oh, my. Probably Nick.

I'm amazed that Nick got that right. All right, Dan, give us a little teasey, a little taste. Okay. Well, we are going to hear From our Patreon fans That's something we always do We'll hear a little bit from Nick Thune A dumb story from his life That he either witnessed or partook in

Or was a victim of It can be anything But before we do that We've got misuse of a flamethrower Is there ever a great use of a flamethrower? It's upon a time in Hollywood That's the only time I was like God damn that was amazing.

Just torched a goddamn hippie. That's great. Unbelievable. Get out of here, you goddamn hippie, with the whole blender full of stuff. Such a good movie.

That could have happened in the Keys. All right, guys. We'll come right back. Patreon fans, we've got a little story with Nick Thune, and then we're going to hear

some flame throwing action on Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Go anywhere. Stick around.

Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel. Take us home, buddy. Okay, you ready? Yes. Send in by Jamie Rosen at Dollar Bin Blues. That's a new person. Yeah, Dollar Bin Blues.

Thank you. If anybody else wants to be like Jamie Rosen, hashtag Dumb People Town at Daniel Van Kirk via Twitter. Throw it into the timeline. Okay, ready? Everybody else is so angry they won't even notice. Just send it to me that way. Homeowner uses flamethrower to melt snow, sets house ablaze.

Somebody did this last year. I think people do it every year. This is like the winter version of the fried turkey on Thanksgiving, right? We don't know that because you grew up in Chicago, we grew up in St. Louis, so we did our... We shoveled. Midwest. We did our fair share of driveway shoveling. Is it fun for them, do you think? Or is it they're actually using it

as a... A flamethrower is so much fun. I'm sure it's fun, but I mean, are they doing it as... They can't wait for the snow. But they don't want to put the effort into shoveling, which I understand. A lot of people die every year of heart attacks from shoveling snow. It's a lot of effort. Seriously? Yes.

It's a lot of effort. So to just turn it on and just burn that to a crisp. But also, why heart attacks? Because they can't handle the strenuous effort of all the shoveling. You exert so much energy. And they have a heart attack. In the cold weather. Yeah, because they're out there, they're sweating, they're cold handle the strenuous effort of all the stuff. You exert so much energy. And they have a heart attack. In the cold weather. Yeah, because they're out there, they're sweating, they're cold at the same time.

Yeah, people don't judge because, like, if you were in extreme heat, you'd be like, I better slow down here. And some people, especially if they're doing physical exertion, they think, oh, I'm tired from doing this. I'm not having a heart attack. Whereas if they were just having one sitting in their chair, they'd be like, something's wrong. But they're like, yeah, of course my arm's tired. I'm taking a flamethrower to my driveway. That's the weirdest thing to me about this too. You're – you know, you guys, have anybody ever like – in college I took this like easy credit, like a massage course, right?

Yeah. And everything you do in the muscle is you like push away. Yeah. You push everything away. Push it out from the body. Dan, you're very – Thanks, brother. Beautiful man.

Same for the snow, right? Nothing should be going back towards your house. Wait, so was that- The flamethrower should never be turned back towards your house. All the snow should be going away from the house. I'm guessing they blew into the snow, and then the flame met the snow and just went straight up instead of burning straight through it. I don't think that's even possible.

Look, I'm not good at science. You might be right. I'm not condemning what you're saying. If heat rises going into a solid, it could, you know. But it's going to go, it's a flame, guys. You don't know what kind of snow. I don't know. We don't know what kind of snow.

I bet they were in their garage with the flamethrower, opened the garage. Out. Go out. But they blew it out, but it hit because heat rises. You should never even be. Where did this happen? Everything should be downrange. I want to know if it was damp snow.

Connecticut. A Connecticut homeowner accidentally set their house on fire. So through clenched teeth, he said. With a flamethrower, according to fire officials in the town of Seymour. Seymour, Connecticut. Firefighters responded to the scene of a house fire. Sorry, I don't know why I put a weird pause there. of Seymour, Seymour, Connecticut. Firefighters responded to the scene of a house fire. Sorry, I don't know why I put a weird pause there.

Firefighters, as nice and hot as they are, definitely love to tell you that you fucked up. You know what I mean? That's a moment where they look at you. When I go home and Kenny Doherty, my cousin, who is a Rochelle firefighter, when I go, tell me something dumb somebody did this week. The stories firefighters can tell you are wild. They're constantly pulling people out of a house.

Has he ever dealt with a backdraft? Yes, he has dealt with a backdraft. With Donald Southerly? Guys, one time he had to go to this house, and it was like the third or fourth week of January. These people hadn't shoveled, plowed nothing in like four weeks. So they couldn't get the ambulance. I could tell you this whole story. It's crazy involved.

And then it's a storm. So they were showing up as backup for this other small town. Those people never came, so they didn't have everything that they would need. Forget it. Wild. So I'm always like, whenever I get home, I'm like, pour a couple of cocktails. And I go, Kenny, just start telling me what happened. Take a flamethrower to your stories.

Yeah. He goes, okay, they said, this guy set his house on fire after 5.30 p.m. on Saturday, January 29th. Official said in a Facebook post. That's where all this stuff happens now. You want to shovel in the morning? No, I'll wait until 5.30. I'll wait until it's almost night.

It's the winter. You put it off. You put it off all day. On the way, dispatch learned that the owner had been using a flamethrower to melt ice and snow and accidentally ignited the side of the home. Yeah. Why are you? No one's walking there. No. Along the side of the home. Yeah. Why are you? No one's walking there.

No. Along the side of the house. He got. Driveway. So he got greedy. He got greedy. It worked. Yeah.

It worked. He's like, I can get that icicle off the gutter with it. And just boom. You know, it's like, have you guys ever been shooting, like shooting guns? Yeah, once. Everything's downrange, right? Nothing can happen on the north side of your nine o'clock and your 3 o'clock. I can't make the statement everything's anything because I've only shot a gun once.

Well, you know this. Nothing can happen beyond 9 o'clock and 3 o'clock. No one can step that way. The gun can't go past that way. Same with a flamethrower. Nothing can go even once you get negative degrees. Have you ever shot a flamethrower? No.

What if they've got a huge fuse out there, though, and they're pointing away from the house, and the fuse catches, and it goes back and lights the house up? Then that's what causes the fire, not the flamethrower. He set it on fire with his flamethrower. I think he, like Randy said, got greedy. He thought, I can get that. He did a really good job on the driveway. He's like, I can pick that ice cold.

Or he had a fucking gas vein. Right. Or saw a rabbit and was like, let me get this right here. He set his house on fire. Oh, my God. An exterior wall was in flames when firefighters arrived, but it was quickly extinguished and the home was saved. We do not recommend the use of flamethrowers or any similar devices as an attempt to melt ice, the post said. Seymour is about eight miles northwest of New Haven, Connecticut.

northwest of New Haven, Connecticut. While flamethrowers can be dangerous, they are sometimes used by farmers and ranchers for land management and firefighters performing controlled burns. They are legal to own, though some states, such as California, have barriers to ownership. You can't have a flamethrower in California.

That is the dumbest thing in the world if you had a flamethrower. You should get rid of it. Well, you should stop using it like if you, yeah. Go easy on it and don't do it

when you're camping with your son. Avoid that. Avoid both of those. That's a show, my friend. There you go. That is the show. Dumb people, smart people.

We did it. Nick Thune, go see him in Nashville. Nick, do you have all your dates? Any one-armed ladies want to come out to my show?

He will zip your suitcase for you. Give him away. Zip up your bag for you. That's what he does. Tell us from our Patreon. If you're not a Patreon fan, then you don't get that insane story that he told us. So you've got to join the Patreon to hear it. Nick Thune, we love you, buddy.

And oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb