Dumb People Town - Nick Thune - Snowjob

Episode Date: January 17, 2017

 Comedian/Actor/Musician triple-threat Nick Thune joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk on Dumb People Town's inaugural (no pun intended) episode! Nick talks about his new SeeSo comedy special, Good Guy, an ill-fated birthday gift he once gave his father, and Marshawn Lynch. The guys discuss an illicit sex act performed upon a snowman and a good ole gas station defecation -- plus they receive a voicemail from Steven Seagal! 

Thank you. So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Banders, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music, which the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, tunker down, it's Dumb People Town. All right, everybody. Welcome to the inaugural episode of Dumb People Town. We are so thrilled to be here on Feral Audio. We're so thrilled to break down the behavior of dumb people.

And as Nick Thune bumps his back head, the back of his head into the microphone. We are here. It's Randy and Jason Sklar and Daniel Van Kirk. Hello, gents. Hey, Dan. So here's what we do for those who don't know. There are a lot of people who listen to our podcast, Sklarbro County.

Welcome. And we say welcome to all of you who have come over and like Caitlyn Jenner made the, like Nick Thune's glasses made the transition over to where we are. You guys are like, oh, he's blind. Oh, no. Yeah, what happened?

Like Maura Pfefferman made the transition somewhat. And for all the new people at Ferrell who are experiencing this for the first time, here's what we do. We can explain it that, and we have many ways to describe what this show is. And Dan, you have like a couple of just perfect, like quick ways to describe it. Dan describes it how we're all in a car, right? And everyone has a steering wheel. Yeah.

So wherever you go, we go with you. And where we're driving is to dumb people town basically we get great stories that are now sent to us by our eyes and ears on the ground our fans on twitter you can send the stories just tweet at either of us us or at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town any like local story a lot of times they come from florida a lot of times it involves a samurai sword and nakedness someone taking a shit in a pool maybe someone getting stuck between a wall at a target stories like that and then we the four of us along with the three of us along with a wonderful guest try and break it down and figure out what in the hell happened and and it is so fun and it's like when for anybody who's ever been in a writer's room and for those who haven't in like a writer's room for a television show or you're creating anything, usually the work happens after a bunch of stuff gets talked about to just goose the engine a little bit.

People are like, hey, have you seen this video? Have you seen that? And then everyone sits around and they all riff and joke and that just gets you ready. This is like that, that beautiful part before you have to sit down and go to work. And so that's what we do. And by the way, the three of us just had a phenomenal gig in Oklahoma. Excuse me.

You're emotional about it. Are you crying? I'm just getting a little teared up about it. Well, our guest is Nick Thune today. We should bring Nick in. Have you ever played the casino in West Siloam, Oklahoma? No. West Siloam Springs.

I've never been to Oklahoma. You should. You should. Wait, no, I've been to, wait, no, that's Kentucky. Oh. Kentucky and Oklahoma, not the same thing. Because they're so close. Wait, what's the city that's across the street?

I think this could actually be Oklahoma. The city across the street from Cincinnati. That's- Newport. That's Louisville. That's Louisville. That's Kentucky. No. Or Lexington the street from Cincinnati. That's. Newport. That's Louisville. That's Louisville. That's Kentucky. No.

Lexington. Not Lexington. That's Kentucky. It's where there's a funny bone. I forget what the name of it is. Anyway. It doesn't matter. No, it does matter.

It very much matters. So you've definitely been there. You've very much been there. No. So we were just in Oklahoma at this wonderful Cherokee casino. Mm-hmm. Where they had mannequins in the lobby. Unbelievable.

Depicting scenes. Are you sure this wasn't just a big mannequin challenge happening? No. There was a moment. If it was, it was the greatest mannequin challenge. They never broke. They didn't break once. They never broke.

And we were all around them. No, they were just these beautiful, beautiful life-size depictions of Cherokee Native Americans. And we found out, this is how well they treated us there. Each of those mannequins was a sex doll with working parts. And they let us have our way with them. Well, they do, you know, the Native Americans are known to do really good mannequin challenges. I didn't know that. I did not know that.

I did. I don't know if you guys saw my mannequin challenge I put on Instagram. What was that? Just my toiletries. Wow. Yeah. Our mannequin challenge is pretty solid. We watched the complete works of Meshach Taylor.

His mannequin challenge is amazing because he's dead. Yeah. Yeah. He is no longer. He died. He did not. is amazing because he's dead. Yeah. Yeah. He is no longer. He died? He did not. He has not broken it underground. He just stays in one place.

Rigid. Was he part Cherokee? Who's the joke? What's the joke? I don't know. What's the old joke? Steve White's old joke. I'm 116 Cherokee.

My grandfather was an Indian and my grandmother was a Jeep. Jeep Wagoneer. No, that's credit to all credit to Steve White. my grandmother was a jeep jeep wagoneer uh no that's get credit to all credit steve white but it was a great show really had a blast uh doing those shows and for all the fans who came up who were excited about this transition to uh to dumb people town from uh sclabo county this we're very excited dan yeah shall we get into it yeah i think we have to get into a story uh but and and say i'm sorry for your seattle seahawks uh it was a great season that was a rough ending to a great yeah yeah are you okay i mean are you i got i you know it's i was traveling that day and and i've been so like

this this season i've just been so busy that i was kind of disappointed that i didn't get to spend as much time on every fucking tumblr blog everything all, all season. So, I mean, I only caught like, I caught every game, obviously, but I was a lot of halfers flying in. Right. But yeah, you know, it just, the team chemistry, the second we lost Earl Thomas, I knew. Everyone knew. Yeah. Everyone knew.

Well, there's always next year. It's so funny, too, because I tune into like local radio and they're like, the day after he's injured, they're like, and we're going to give you five reasons to get excited about who they're bringing in that's going to suck. That's what happens. They have to, by nature. I hope that's how they put it. That's exactly what they do.

Well, we'll get into, because I know you have a new CISO special. Oh, but the Marshawn Lynch thing, I was going to say, it's such a quick story, but it's kind of cool. So Marshawn Lynch running, for those who don't know, running back for the, used to be the running back for the Seattle Seahawks. And he would go into, when he would just run through people, he would go into beast mode. And that's why we made the t-shirts with Diane Wiest's picture on it. Because when she acts.

And when she gets all passive aggressive in her acting, she goes beast mode. Still runs through a motherfucker. Yeah. Right. But I mean this, but it's just a different attitude so you saw marshawn lynch no i had well i had in the last year two different um i had a driver from seattle who actually goes and hangs out by the training camp and drives a lot of the guys and marshawn ended up giving like getting his number and using him personally that's great um just as a guy to scratch his back. So driving wasn't involved. He just uses the man personally.

He loved his company. That's a foot story. And he goes and picks him up, and he actually lives in the neighborhood that my wife's mom lives in. It's kind of a nice area. Suburban kind of city. The Queen Anne District? No, it's Clyde Hill is what it's called.

It's Bellevue. It's the east side. Bellevue is beautiful. My father-in-law was like i saw him at cvs two days ago cool but he well the driver goes up skittles yeah driver goes up and there's a lamborghini in the driveway and you know like lamborghinis actually are pretty back heavy they're like light material i mean when i've driven a lamborghini it feels bad every tuesday it feels a little back heavy a A little spittering.

Oh, when it corners. I mean, and they corner weird. I'm just going to say it. They just corner weird. You know, and that's one of those things you never want to say, but somebody says it. I had the balls to say it. I have the same Ferrari experience. Or it was a Lamborghini, and I guess that the turnaround

was pretty tight, and beast mode actually lifted up the front of the Lamborghini and moved at six inches. That's his version of crotch. Those are legs. That's how he runs through people. But then he has that store beast mode in Oakland. And my friend sent me a picture like out front. And he's like, the second I took that picture and send it to you, he walked out, saw a homeless kid, walked across the street, got a mocha.

Why not? Marshawn, obviously. Whole milk. And he comes out. Whole almond milk. Walks across the street, walks into the store, just keeps his leg with the door open, grabs a sweatshirt and tosses it to the homeless kid and then goes and gets into his car or whatever. I love it. I love that he's like, I'm going to get this kid something,

but first let me get my mocha. I'm going to do something really nice. Yeah, I hope he's still there. First things first, I got to get my mocha. That's funny. All right, Dan, so do we have a story? We actually don't have any stories. Oh, wait, wait.

We got to do a show, Dan. What's the whole point of the show? I thought we'd just hang. This was sent in by Ryan J. Smith at Gaming Savant. Thanks, buddy. Quebec, Canada. See, we went north of the border.

We did. Quebec, Canada is north of the border. Am I right? Yes, I think it is. A lot of Native Americans out there. I love that in the second sentence, people are going to see how bad I am at pronouncing places. A man was rushed to center. They do this in French.

Hospitalier de Université Laval. University Hospital. Fine. Yeah. Yeah. Over the weekend with the most unusual medical complaint. What did he stick up his ass? That's it.

What did he sit on? That's the first thing I think. What did you sit on, sir? You ready for the most Canada thing you've ever heard? Oh, yeah. A hockey stick. He had frostbite on his penis. Of the penis. Uh-huh. After getting drunk and trying

to go ice fishing with his dick. Have sex with a snowman. What? I want to know how fresh that snowman is. I know. And how hard was it packed? Well, what is the old song with a corncob pipe and a button nose and a vagina made out of silk?

Is that the song? It's a corncob pipe and two ready holes. Two ready holes and a vagina made of silk. Two eyes made out of coal. I thought you were going to say it was from a, because you know when you're in high school, like the dream was always like, oh, if a girl's giving you a blowjob, tell her to throw a piece of ice in there. So he's like, here it is. Or an Altoid.

I've never done either one of those, but I've heard both of them. If the movie Nine and a Half Weeks was it, if it taught us anything, it's Don't Fuck a Snowman. Right. This is essentially, he was trying to do basically five months. Is this the worst version of Frozen? Do you want to fuck a snowman? Sing that to your kids as you're probably driving them to school right now. Yeah, exactly.

Kenneth Gillespie. Kenny G. He is Kenny G. Not only is he Kenny G, but like Dizzy Gillespie, he's blowing up. This is the guy that actually went in. to be Kenny G, but like Dizzy Gillespie, he's blowing up. This is the guy that actually went in. If you have sex with snowmen,

I feel like you're also the type of guy that hates being called Kenny G. That's number one. It's Ken, man. Number two, let me... You want to call me Ken G? That's fine. Let me point this out. There's no way the snowman gave his consent. So this is rape. And this is part of rape culture. I actually don't even think

it needs to come from the snowman. even think it needs to come from the snowman I think it needs to come from the proprietor of the snowman the person who gets out if he's like it's alright hey man I made it for you you do what you gotta do out there unless that guy comes out what are you fucking my snowman

you can't come over and at least knock at least ask my permission should have been wearing that scarf man see that carrot the carrot nose is very inviting my permission. Should have been wearing that scarf, man. See that scarf he was wearing? See that carrot? The carrot nose is very inviting. Kenny Gillespie is known to locals as a drunk and a bit of a lecherous type.

Do you think he said, I got a carrot for you? I think he was walking by. Did he do it in the nose? I think he was walking by and was like, what? You're the carrot. You don't think I'll have like, what? You're looking at... You don't think I'll come have sex with you? You're about to get fucked.

Yeah? Keep looking, then. You should come over here. He keeps challenging him to come over here, but obviously he still made us move, so he keeps getting closer. But he probably had sex with him through the stomach, if you think about the positioning of it, you know?

If he does. If he goes, all right, I'm going to be back. We'll see what you think about the positioning of it, you know? He goes, alright, I'm going to be back. We'll see what you think about that, huh? You better not be standing out here when I come back. He goes to the grocery store. Gets a mocha. Gets a mocha. Pulls out the cantaloupe and then he's back there.

He's got some, you know, a melon baller. He comes back. Oh, you're still here? Yeah, guess what your face is now. Cantaloupe. You care you aren't if I take pictures while we do this? You on Instagram? Hey, Vince.

He's waving at people. Keep driving. Yeah. Keep driving. Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. Kenneth Gillespie is known as a local drunk. And a bit of a lech.

But this latest episode had dire consequences. Drunk, bit of a lech, mall Santa. He was found former. He was found passed out, clutching onto his frozen junk by neighbors at 1.30 a.m. on Sunday morning. Sunday morning coming down. It's like a deleted scene from Hoosiers. And they called the ambulance straight away. The doctor in charge of Mr. Gillespie, Dr. Mark Arndt, said this to a local TV's crew.

Frostbite of that area may sound funny, but it's very serious indeed. I love that they're allowing for people to laugh at this. Yes. Frostbite, of course, can cause infection and gangrene and ultimately this has led to mr kenny gillespie's member being amputated okay so now he lost that dick what if he did this on purpose what if he's like i'm a lech i'm a lecherous dude i can't control my urges i'm gonna need to just eliminate the situation like they like in the little children where he cuts off his own uh thing oh sorry the snowman is thought to be okay though it's since been rebuilt and cleaned kids it's okay come out kids we're gonna rebuild

by the way you know how like people just won't buy a house if a murder has been committed there? Right. This is going to affect the resale value. I think you have to start, and you can't even just, we're like, we can't build a snowman here for a year. Or they have to tell, when they're selling the house 10 years from now. Yeah, it's on House Hunters. Here's the deal. There was a snowman here that was raped.

There was a snowman rape in the front lawn. It's a tour. Yeah. Oh, and over here kenny um there could be a kenny tour the kenny tour here's where he stuck pine needles up his ass right over there some in gillespie's neighborhood are less than pleased though one told the montreal gazette this quote if that dirty sumbitch comes back here after what he did i won't be responsible for the reaction of the community.

Which means that person's speaking for more than just themselves. Oh, he's speaking for the whole community. Was that guy imported from the South? It does not sound very Canada. Where's he going to move is what I want. Because he's got to move. I don't know. There's just no open land in Canada for him.

Before we get to the last couple segments here, I would like to ask you guys, we're going to play a game. We play a lot on Dumb People Town. And I think we have a jingle for him. Before we get to the last couple segments here, I would like to ask you guys, we're going to play a game we play a lot on Dumb People Town. And I think we have a jingle for it. This is the first episode, right? Yeah. It's the very first episode.

We do play. We've done this so many times. So many times. You can't even count it on one. You guys have said a few things like that. You literally can't even count it on one hand. Right.

Especially my son couldn't. He can't. Back to our time-honored tradition. It's an issue. I'd like to ask you guys, how old is Kenneth Gillespie? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. Guess the age. Okay, this is a great... Now, let's factor in some things here. Oh, 37 from Nick then. He's known as being a drunk. He's lecherous. Are you staying with 37?

How old are you, by the way? 37. I knew it. You're like Because I would do Some of these things Yeah Jason Sklar

This guy's 58 58 years old I know it Randy Sklar The year of our lord That's right This guy is 64

64 years old Nick Thune You're still sticking with 37 37 I almost dropped it Down to 33 Thinking that You know

The year Jesus died A lot of mistakes can be made. He died for our sins. Okay. I'll tell you about Kenneth Gillespie. We go closest. We don't care if you're over, but it won't matter this time. What if Kenneth Gillespie's penis died for our sins?

Kenneth Gillespie, 64 years old. Did you say 64? Yes. Oh, my God. Okay. Now, I'm going to show you guys The photo Of him And the remnants Of what he did

And you're I don't Is this gonna be like In the thin air Oh man He laid He laid The snowman down

He laid it down I thought it was Conway We call it the Conway Twitty Is that a Is that a Like a memorial Nope that's all the beer

That he had Around the snowman He knocked it down And then he got on top of it That would be great If it was like When you see like a car accident Like on the side of a country road and there's some flowers. Yeah, they always put beer bottles where he banged the snowman.

I guess there's a certain part of me that says, do you want to bang a snowman? I kind of wish he would have taken the snowman and put his face down. Yeah, just for its own dignity. The fact that the snowman had to watch. He wants to look in the eyes. So he had missionary. He wanted to look into the coals of that snowman. He had missionary sex that the snowman had to watch he wants to look in the eyes he had missionary he wanted to look into the coals he had missionary sex with a snowman several people have already vowed to dismember him after what he did to the kid's snowman he left a pile of

empty bottles a wrecked snowman and a trail of semen in the middle of the community recreation ground did he quote this bastard's worse than bill cosby yes he did this bastard's worse that's what a person said and i'm like why you got to bring cosby into this yeah and i would i would disagree did he wait did he give this thing some he drugged it but wait can i just say this that's not funny funny, but can I just say this? I thought he made a huge hoagie. I mean, but how crazy is it now, thinking that when we were kids, we watched The Cosby Show, and of course we watched Picture Pages

and Fat Albert and whatnot, that at some point in our lifetime, we could have never known that a guy fucking a snowman in Canada would be compared to Bill Cosby. And not be close to being as bad. That's right. No.

Kenny G is thought to be recovering with friends in a nearby town and could not be contacted. That may be the... He feels like he enjoys being on the lam. There's no way he has friends. There's no way he has friends. There's no way.

He and Law, like an old brother-in-law, but not currently a brother-in-law but maybe not currently and they never mentioned how big his dick was what are they gonna do with it off do they make them i feel like it's gone i think i think it should be frozen i think it should be frozen it should be the next nose of this reconstructed we'll get out of here on this he pisses out of a carrot it's not that kenny's actually just slipped it right in. Here, you want to be with a snowman so bad?

Yeah, there you go. And it's a baby carrot. It is thought that Kenny is planning to move down to Mexico to warmer climates once he recovers and plans to have a bionic penis built with his savings. I do not believe he has savings. I do not believe a bionic penis is even possible. Nope. And how do I get one?

Yeah, exactly. I would love to switch out. I also don't believe he realizes there won't be snowmen down there. Yeah. Part of me wants to make a new, a reboot of the... I mean, you know what he's going to do. Get drunk and fuck a sandcastle. Yeah.

Right in the turret. Right in the turret. You're going to pay for that, too. That's right. Oh, yeah. Sand in the urethra. One of my favorite songs, but also very painful. That's a great Tony Orlando and Don song.

Sand in the urethra. All right. There you go. First story. First segment in the books for Dumb People Town. Very historic. Does it always go that well? It rarely goes that well.

Oh, God. You were part of one of the best ones ever. Go ahead. All right. We got more. More Dumb People Town with Nick Thune. Let's take a quick break. When we come back, more Nick Thune.

And then later, a very special voicemail message. Stay with us. Oh, I love that segment. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. You can follow us. We're at Sklar Brothers on Twitter. Follow at Dumb People Town.

Follow at Daniel Van Kirk. Follow Sklar Brothers on Twitter. Follow at Dumb People Town. Follow at Daniel Van Kirk. Follow Nick Thune on Twitter. So you have a new special coming out on CISO. Is that correct? Yeah, it's out. It's out right now. You can watch it. First of all, we're recording our next special for CISO in Chicago on February 11th.

I have to tell you, when I saw that your special was on CISO. It was a big part of our decision. I was really excited because I'm like, well, if people like Nick Tune or so I brought it in. Yeah, we will. Well, they have cool content. Like they have a,

it's a cool company. I love what they're doing. I mean, I love, I mean, Pajillion Dollar Properties is one of the best shows out there. Comedy shows, no matter where.

Have you guys been on that? Yes. Phenomenal. So funny. You should. You will do it. I'm sure. This is me saying, ask me.

Come on, Kool-Aid. Let's go. Where did you shoot your special? Portland. Oh, there you go. Where? Baghdad? Portland?

No, I went at the Star Theater. They don't always do comedy there, but it's a really cool old theater. I loved your special on Netflix. Bell House. Bell House, was that where we were? Green Curtain behind you? Yeah. Yeah, green.

Green. Green, and then I, yeah, that was a big issue with the production company. White suit, green, right? Or light blue suit. It's like khaki-ish. Yeah, khaki suit. Really good job,

and really present in that special. I'm excited to watch your Seesaw special out now. I'm proud of it. It's been kind of fun to watch it hit, but it's going to take longer. It's a longer burn with CISO.

Now it's for sale on the 22nd, though. But is it, because I know you went from telling a lot of hilarious jokes to then doing no hilarious jokes. Just being serious. Like a TED Talk. No, you were like. Silent. You're doing a silent stand-off.

By the way, that would be amazing if you did an hour silent stand-up special no but it's you come out and nothing and it's not that you're doing like mime shit no you're just standing there

just quiet no you're well you're talking you just don't hear you can't hear any audio it's all you're miming it yeah that's

and then title cards come up every two minutes telling your jokes no but you've you've expanded to longer stories I think you said three or four stories yeah

it's really two stories in like an intermission of what my future could be if it doesn't go well. Phenomenal. Phenomenal. I can't wait. That's amazing. And plan B. Yeah, but such a great departure and keeps fresh and evolving what you do. Because within those stories are a lot of great little observations and jokes.

Yeah, and that's something that I, because the audio is going to be on vinyl and so we had to figure out the tracking and the first story is 25 minutes.

And so they sent me like ideas for cuts and I just said, I'm not like, you know, I didn't build this special for old technology. I'm not trying to get

on the radio here. Like if there's like three tracks that Sirius will play, great, but I wanted, it's a 25 minute story. It's a 25 minute track. Right. You know? there's like three tracks that Sirius will play, great, but I wanted, it's a 25 minute story, it's a 25 minute track.

Right. You know? That's awesome. That's so cool. Well, there have been record albums where people have had like one track on a side

and I mean, that's awesome. I love it. Yeah, it should be cool. Remember when Carly Rae Jepsen did that 30 minute like Space Odyssey?

Yeah. Just drums, just drums. Just drums and her. I've never really been a fan. Well, you will be. You need to listen to this because it is an exploration of musical ideas.

She did it on CISO. She did it for CISO. She did her album on CISO. Yeah, I think I saw her in the initial press stuff. Just shapes. I mean, it literally is like literally just music about shapes. The first shapes special? Yeah, shapes. All shapes special. I thought about doing you know, like the director's

commentary for the special like a separate track of me just talking over me talking that's so funny laughing last year i put out last the last special i took all the laughter out of it made one track and put it on soundcloud of just people laughing at me it's like a special release that is so funny so no jokes just the laughs. With pauses in between or just a long, actually no, there are, yeah,

it goes up and down. Laugh and then stops and then another laugh. And I know that when the guy at, I think it's New Wave or Common Dynamics, the people that,

you know, produce all these specials, I'm sure you guys are probably going through. They did ours, yeah. I had an idea for a cover for your album actually,

just now. Let's hear it. You ever, Martin Mole has this album called Perfect. And just look at the artwork to it. Because on one side, it's him. The other side, he has like, it's as if a plastic surgeon kind of went through and like, circled parts of his face that should be different or whatever. And, you know, all that stuff.

And I thought it'd be funny to have you guys side by side and have basically what you would have to do to look exact like you know drawing like over what's different about you unique about each what would have to be to create us into one human being other side i love it i want to check that out we're going to look at it because i think there's something like visually cool about that what is the name of your and i want to do the graphic design that was my pit oh yeah sure's great. We'll do it on the bajillion dollar properties. Yes, you want to do the graphic design on it.

We have to do it in a scene. What's the name of the special? Good Guy. Love it. Love it. All right, I'm so excited

to check it out. Check it out. God damn it. Daniel, what do you have? What do you have going on? Anything happening for you in the old days? In life?

Yeah. Yeah, I have two shows coming up at Sketch Fest on the 27th and 28th in? Yeah. Yeah, I have two shows coming up at Sketchfest on the 27th and 28th in San Francisco. Yes. I love Sketchfest. We're going to do the Wahlberg solution up there, so all the people who love that,

they can check it out. We hung out at Sketchfest. That's where we fell in love. Yeah. That was where... And we went to that cool party at that dude's house. Yeah, we were the only people there for like an hour and a half.

Then we came. We got the chair. No, no, no. This is the year before that. We were at Adam Savage. Does he just do a party every year now? I think so, yeah. And it's all his props.

It's amazing. It's the guy from the Mistbusters. His collections. Yes. It was like, there's like a T-1000 there. Yeah. And like a home, like original Darth Vader home. Random stuff.

Yeah. We were the only people there for like an hour and a half just eating chips. Yeah. And then that was when Nick and I had our idea. We wanted to do a large screening of the Burbs. Yeah. And we got Doug Benson involved because we knew he could make it happen. Okay, wait.

Stop, stop, stop. Do it for the Wayne Fetterman Film Festival. Well, we did it. Oh. Yeah. And we got Colin Hanks to sit and talk with us the whole time. The whole time. And he actually was on set the whole summer.

Yeah, because they shot it during the summer. So him and other kids would go hang out in the houses they weren't shooting in. No way. And then when Carrie Fisher passed, I loved having that memory. Yeah. Because that's my favorite Tom Hanks and Carrie Fisher movie. And I loved having that. We sat there and hung with Colin and watched the movie.

Wasn't there that weird scene of everybody doing the lawnmower stuff at the same time? Is that the scene? Yeah. That opens with that. Yeah. Everybody's out in the neighborhood and you kind of get Corey Feldman comes out. His parents just took off for the fucking weekend. Tom Hanks is out in the backyard.

The dog's not pissing or something. And they come over to the neighbor. I mean, it's just all perfect. It's perfect. It sets the neighborhood up. It it's like and then it ends art's got a gun my favorite at the end when they go when he goes but when the house blows up and he goes you saw right ray right you saw him in there like the bodies and everything they're all just all over in the basement right ray before i blow up and blow up? And he's like, it's us, Art! And we're the crazy... Oh, God. And he loses his mind.

And also, coming from the Van Curries, we are, as people will learn, and many people already know, we come from a long line of really enjoying people watching, which I feel customizes... Isn't your family quote is, what's this guy?

Yeah, look at this guy over here. Look at this guy. I've been doing that lately a lot. In Corey Feldman's character, that's when this whole thing is built. All of his friends his girlfriend wants to go to a party and he's like no babe we're just gonna order pizzas and watch this neighborhood and it ends up being the best thing to do at my office there's a girl that lives across this like very like weird apartment across the street and she has a boyfriend who looks like a stud

like the dude like he pulls up in a jeep doesn't even lock the doors gets out dress is awesome and like i can watch that all day me and my friend that share my office space he'll text me goes yeah the boyfriend just showed up he looks fucking great phenomenal he probably looks so good oh hair is perfect yeah what's he doing perfect doesn't even shut the door he doesn't even have doors. What's he doing? He's perfect. He wears sandals. He doesn't even shut the door. He doesn't even have doors. Yeah, he gets out.

He walks out. The other day it was raining. It was raining and he was completely dry. He didn't fucking care. It was like that exhibit at LACMA. He was dry the whole time, rain everywhere else. You know what I love, too, is that he's always got, because I always kind of walk by his car and I think, I want something of his.

No, it doesn't matter. And he has a phone cord, and he just leaves it there, like, fine, fucking take it. I know. No one ever touches it. I wish I had as little stress in my life as people who have cars without doors. Those are people without children. I'll start with that. And this is the type of guy who bowls, and then just after he bowls the ball,

just turns around and walks away. He doesn't even have to look at it. He doesn't have to look at it. You know what? He's also got spin on the ball. It's not like me who just throws it. No, he throws it over the second arrow and then it comes all the way back. But this is a guy who just-

I throw it with spin. I throw it with spin. You do. How's your wrist doing? It's all right. I want you- How's your Jeep doing? Not so good.

I want you to find out his name, Nick. I want you to give him a name. Get everybody to give him a name. We're looking for clues. Give him a name and then find out his name, Nick. I want you to give him a name. Get everybody to give him a name. We're looking for clues. Give him a name and then find out his name. Hey, man, what's up? Kyle. Do you like that Jeep?

What's your name? Get into it. Engage him in a conversation. See if he's a fan of yours. His name's probably like Stan or something. I know. His name is probably like Tristan. Or he's like the coolest Gary.

Staniel. Staniel. Staniel. All right, let's do a story. Let's do it. He's a cocker Staniel. Cocky Staniel. I'm. Staniel. All right, let's do a story. He's a cocker Staniel. Cocky Staniel. Oh, I'm sorry.

One other thing. Yeah, please, please. I want to come back to it later, but I was just realizing the funniness of this thing that happened this weekend when I was out of town. And you guys will love it because you're married and you have kids. Are you doing a radio tease? We'll get back to that after the break. Yeah, we'll get into that.

Send him by. Go ahead. Yeah, okay. Well, this weekend I was in New york and i did the tonight show that is right i saw that man did you have shirts made yeah and i wore it on i saw chance the rapper i'm like he's gonna wear a fucking hat i'm gonna wear my shirt i love it you know like he's wearing his hat in a kit kat commercial i mean that's branding that is so brand and also makes you feel like because his album was unbelievable oh my god makes you feel like, because his album was unbelievable. Oh, my God. Makes you feel like, because we did a Burger King commercial, and it makes us feel like, and by the way, you are phenomenal in every, the handling commercial.

Oh, the Dell thing. Thank you. The Dell commercial where it's like, no one ever talks about handling anymore. You are so good at that. So, so, so good. How much did you improvise in that? Well, they sent me something. They were like, they have this idea for the glove and they actually came up with in that

specific one. I've, I've written all the other ones and then they had another guy come in and like had this concept and it was just great. And then like, yeah, we, you know,

then I just do a lot of my own thing. That's great. So fun. So you were at the tonight show in New York and I get them to hire like all funny people. Like I've probably submitted all of you. Like every time that there's a part, like all those kids were like UCB kids that are in there oh yeah it's

great yeah I could tell her because they played off you really well it's not really good really really good anyway so you were in New York oh that was it I just want to get yeah yeah no but I go to the Commodore which is in Williamsburg which is the best burger in I believe New York Wow they get it from the best butcher and they have the best nachos. That's just a side note. Vegan nachos, by the way, which you'd never think you'd like it. But anyway,

I buy myself and my friend and his girlfriend each everything. All of it. Drinks, that. Because you're on the Tonight Show hot. Yeah. You're feeling like, I came to New York to do

a national TV show. Yeah, and I went up and I just gave the guy my card afterwards. Like, you have to do that, man. It's like, yeah, I wanted to rub it in a little bit. I'm doing TV show. Yeah, and I went up and I just gave the guy my card. Afterwards, like, you don't have to do that, man. It's like, yeah, I wanted to rub it in a little bit. I'm doing pretty good. Yeah, that's great. Then we go.

My buddy's got a show. This is Ben Kronberg. He's got a show at a bar. So we go out to this other bar. I don't know what neighborhood it's in, but Bushwick. And we get into this bar, and I'm buying rounds. Bartender ends up knowing me and is like hey man great job on the tonight show this week and i'm like just keep my car back there and just these 10 people

just whatever amazing 2 a.m rolls around my wife's calling me that's weird why would she call me at 2 a.m all right anyway hey babe um hey uh just got a call from the bank. And the bank was actually wanting to make sure that I knew that you are having a great fucking time in Brooklyn. At multiple locations. So now you came to be like, yeah, just kind of hung out. Hi, ma'am. Are you in New York? No, my husband is.

Oh, well, I just want to confirm a few purchases. He bought hamburgers for everybody here. He's buying $1,800 of drinks at a bar in Bushwick. Thanks, Chase. So now you can't even have the conversation with your wife where she's back at home with the baby. Yeah. She's having a terrible. We have a puppy that has pneumonia right now.

She's back at home with the baby and the pneumonia puppy. And you're out there and you just... She wants to be like, how'd it go? And you want her to be like, show was great. Show was great. I just went right back to the hotel. I miss you. I haven't...

You can't even say that. She goes, oh, four burgers. Who are you with? And I was like, well, it's actually just three of us, but Ben and I split an extra one. It was that good. Sorry. Sorry. You know, the Commodore. You know, the Commodore. know how are you doing how's the pneumonia puppy hey you're up pretty late huh well yeah they woke me up so yeah they woke me up to get out and uh anyway that yeah and we've hung with your wife backstage at a show

in san francisco uh new year's show oh god i really fucked up that night Why? That was a fun show The show was great But we got back And I remember thinking like Alright You know We're married We're having sex or whatever Once we got married obviously

Obviously you waited But I get married It's everyday I mean it's literally everyday You can't stop the sex This actually goes into Stupid people's dumb shit But

I thought you know what I'm gonna do I'm gonna like She's like taking She took off her She had like a leather skirt on and she's like i'm sure you guys remember she's crawling on the bed i remember i remember on the bed tawny katane style and i thought you know what i'm gonna fucking rip those panties off and i just basically dove in with my hands and just tore and she turns around and goes what the fuck are you doing i was like trying to that was sexy and. And she's like, these are 60, these are from Nordstrom.

And I, and I go this moment, I go, really? Okay. And I pull my wallet out and she goes, are you pulling your wallet out?

And I was like, are you going to give me money like a whore? Yeah. Like, no, I was just going to put on the nightstand.

I was going to leave it for you after I left. No, I'm not going to take money out. No, I'm going to throw it on your chest when I go to the bathroom. Cut to me ten minutes later at the bar. Guys, night!

Hey, guys. Hey, guys, I'm Nick. Garrett, nice to meet you. Are we writing your new special right now? Here we go. Next special. It's kind of funny. I mean, I know that... Next special is just you. I'm sorry, honey. Here we go. Next special. Yeah. It's kind of funny. I mean, I know that...

Next special is just you. Just, I'm sorry, honey. Yeah. Yeah, sorry about that. But you never really think about that, I guess. Sometimes when you're being such an idiot,

you never think like, oh, I could profit off that. Totally. Totally. Yeah, this could actually be... Your dumbness makes people happy. Always. I'm like, get into

the worst situation possible because a great story could come out of it. So, Dan, speaking of... Here we go. This was sent in by Kyle Andrews at Kyle Andrews 18 17 others can just you know what I'm gonna read 17 others can go fuck a snowman if it's a oh well that's gonna be crazy that it's a I always wonder if the person went through 17 tries yeah before they got to it oh Oh, it's at, wait, what's his name? Kyle Andrews 18.

It would be funny if that was Kyle Andrews 18. Is his name. www, no, that's his website, at kyleandrews.com. He's the 18th guy to get it. Kyle Andrews 18 at kyleandrews.com. That's so funny. I'm going to make that my email address. Do it.

kyleandrews18 at NickToon.com Kyle's probably taking it right now I'll set him up for that free They wrote This is what they wrote Well if this don't beat all And then in between beat and all Is this a regular newspaper or a blogger

They put off in parentheses If this don't be off all. I love a good comedic journalist. Headline. Creative head. Journalist is a loose term we're using. A man trying to rob a sex toy store called Lotions and Lace. Been there.

Give to me your lotions. Take from me my lace. Perfect. In San Bernardino, California, was foiled by quick-thinking employees and some sex toys used as weapons on Wednesday night. So you have chains and whips. I want to know, what is the thing where you just have your jacket pocket and he's got just a dildo on it, and then all of a sudden the jacket starts shaking.

I'm nervous, man. I'm nervous. No, I'm nervous. Itchy trigger finger. Is your phone buzzing? No. According to KABC News, the man walked into the store around 9.45 p.m. as the store was closing up. I feel like that's early to close for a sex store.

Look, I don't know, man. That's middle of West Coast prime time. You're closing up. They do most of their business at rush hour. Fair enough. Show them my home, babe. What do you want me to pick up? Yeah, I'll get some milk, get some eggs,

a couple of anal intruders, and I'll be home. Give me some candy underwear for dinner, and I'm good to go. And how about another butt plug? We'll see. You know what? We still have two. We still have two.

We still have two. Let's wait for another week. Oh, yeah, but Jimmy turns 18 next month. Okay, if they're on sale. If they're on sale. Only get it if they're having a special. And don't buy anything by the register. I know you love to get stuff by the register.

The man walked into the store as it was closing up with his face covered. He pointed a gun at the woman behind the cash register but the employee named amy wasn't having any of his nonsense i don't know what amy's seen in her life that a gun is nonsense that is real oh come on this tough foolery yeah are you kidding me with that nonsense it's usually not what people say before they're about to get shot what's what has gone above that in her life that's i mean a gun is nonsense has she seen someone held up wait is this canada no no no bernadino bernina well maybe that's all it is right there she told kbc quote with the gun he walked in i just thought he was trying to be funny not a good joke to scare us oh here comes a guy trying to scare us.

Linda, come here. There's a guy trying to scare us. Get out of the stock room, everybody. He's walking through the parking lot. You want to get up here by the time he hits the door. That's what's going to be. Ooh, he looks scary. Mocking him.

But then I saw the gun and I was like, now you think I saw the gun and I was like, oh shit. I saw the gun and I was like really i don't have time for this oh we are trying to close up i am trying to cash out the register i have to take inventory i am out to my ears in nipple clamps amy don't take shit that need to get restocked no this is why we she wouldn't her last name, because she knows what she's saying is stupid. Just Amy. We're not going to find out who she is.

But also, if I don't have time for this, that means either A, this happens a lot, or B, she knew the guy. I was like, Rick, put it down. What if this was the whole storyline for the TV series Judging Amy? Amy Judging. No, all of us judging her. Well, Amy works at the sex store. Yeah, Amy's the employee. She was trying to close up.

She doesn't have time for this nonsense. We could literally hop in a car and probably meet Amy in Santa Barbara. Under two hours, right? MLK. Yeah. No traffic. Are they off on MLK Day? No, that is a big sex sale.

It is 50% off. Discounts on all black dildos. It's their I have a cream sale. No, that is a big sex thing. It is 50% off all black dildos. It's their I have a cream sale. Oh, that felt wrong. Yeah. Okay. She didn't have time for this.

The man reached over the counter and grabbed Amy, which means she didn't move when even a gun came at her. He was within grabbing distance. She needs to work for the police. Like, she's unbelievable. But as much as don't think such boys doesn't give a shit when he grabbed amy that's when the other store employee store employee flew into action hurling dildos and other sex toys at the would-be robber i love this so much that employee no name given i'm gonna go with linda quote i think he was a coward coming in and trying to get over on two females and not realizing we were pretty feisty. Again, you can't outrun bullets with dildos. You just can't.

That's a time-honored tradition that everyone knows. That was my favorite Garrison Keillor story. That was my favorite Shel Silverstein poem. You throw one time, it knocks the gun out of the hand, like a total Robin move. Yeah, exactly. It was like a Zucker Zucker Abrams movie. The second one she throws goes right in his mouth. Eventually, the man ran out empty-handed.

Without his gun? The eventually part is like, did he come out? He was like, guys, come on, take me seriously. And they were like, get out. Get out. We don't give a shit. And then here he just raining down dildos. Did he want money or did he come up it was like guys come on take me seriously and they're like get out get out we don't give a shit and then here he just raining down dildo did he want money or did he just need sex toys he came in with the gun i guess demanding money and amy was like get the fuck off

me and then some other girl just started throwing dildos at him to which but you know maybe he was like a homophobe and was like i wonder if she was stalking, like, stocking shelves in the back. Silk stocking. Like, oh, God, thank God we were doing the dildo section. I know. Jeez. Happily, it turns out that he was caught on surveillance camera outside the show. They wrote show. I think they wrote store.

Showroom. It could be. Without his face covered, welcome to the showroom. The video has been released by San Bernardinoino police who are still looking for the man so he got away with it but he he left his dignity in the room yet yeah i didn't get anything i mean he he didn't get anything and i love when people don't need a gun i love when people don't use a gun so i'm glad but part of me also is like get your shit together so he penetrated but he pulled out early he did penetrated, but he pulled out early. He did pull out early. He pulled out early and didn't finish, which I guess is, you know, he just came out all over.

Have you guys, have you done Moon Tower Fest? Yeah, for the last three years, yeah. And so you've obviously saved up all of your jerk off things. Yeah, because they give you all like the pocket. They give you the, yeah, the fleshlight. Yeah, I give them to the homeless when I'm walking around the city. After you get your mocha. I wondered, like, because I got to the airport, and I was like, I think I can fly with this thing.

So I wonder how many of those were just in airport trash cans. Like TSA, or TSA bins. I left my bag at Stand Up Live in Phoenix, and I went back the next day before I flew out to go get it. And I get to the airport, and they're like, sir, we're just going to need to check your bag. And I was like, there shouldn't be anything in there. TSA opens my bag and pulls out a brand new unopened flashlight that the club had put in my bag. It was like, thanks for coming. Have a great weekend.

Oh, my God. So now I'm standing at TSA with all these people around me. There's nothing you can say that doesn't sound like you're bullshitting. Yeah. I was like, put Kelly back in the bag. I doubled down on it. You got to be like, no, because what are you going to say? I was at a comedy club and they stuck it in the thing and it's not mine.

I swear to God it's not mine. It's for my wife. Yeah. All right. Well, that's segment two down in the books. You didn't think it could be as good as the old snowman job look at us look what we did

and by the way can you call it if a snowman gives you a handjob can you call it a snowjob if that snowman was just jerking him off yeah

he built a little hand yeah it's called the snowjob I just got a snowjob you just got splinter snowed in alright well we'll be back

with one more segment. Short story, voicemail, Nick Thune, Daniel Van Kirk, Sklar Brothers. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. All right, everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. This is our first one ever. You almost said Sklarborough County.

I didn't say it. No, you didn't. I didn't say it. Dumb People Town, guys. I want to remind everybody we are shooting our CISO special, Lincoln Hall, February 11th in Chicago. Two shows, seven, nine. Dan's going to feature for us, so it's going to be a blast.

So you will get a chance for those who love this show, longtime listeners of Dumb People Town. Yeah, yeah. I just want people to come out, to see me crush and support you guys. And then you can leave. Wait, what? No, don't leave. Yeah, just watch Dan and then you guys can leave. You'll take it for the whole show. Buy a ticket to see me crush and support you guys. And then you can leave. Wait, what? No, don't leave. Yeah, just watch Dan and then you guys can leave.

You'll take it for the whole show. Buy a ticket to see me stay for the whole show. Dan, your stand-up has gotten so freaking good. It is. I mean, again, the fact that you get out and go out with Doug as often as you do and that we get a chance to bring you out with us, it has gotten so, so, so strong. So come out. I've been hearing something so different.

Oh, what have you heard? Just disappointment. And from where? Nick! Nick started a Yelp page. He told me it's not going good. Dan said it wasn't. Dan said it wasn't.

Nick's like, you should hear the chatter around the sex store in San Bernardino. I kind of want to go there now. Yeah, so positive. Amy. We'll do a one-nighter at Lotions and Lice. I would call my sex jar dildos and don'ts. Yeah, that's not bad. Dildos and donuts.

Now there is a concept. Ever want to fuck a donut, but you don't want to use your own dick? That's how we make donut holes. That's how we make donut holes. All right, well, we have one more story. We do. And let's get into it. Okay. Sent in by... Oh, can I say really quick? Yeah, sure. I just want to remind everybody holes. All right. Well, we have one more story. We do. And let's get into it. Okay.

Sent in by... Oh, can I say really quick? Yeah, sure. I just want to remind everybody who's listening right now, maybe you haven't done it yet, please subscribe to the show and rate and review. That's the best way to get that bumped up in iTunes so that more people see what we're doing. And the more people see what we're doing, the more fun we get to keep having.

That's right. And we always say this. Tell two friends. Tell two friends about the show and that's how the show grows. Yeah. So tell two people in your life. But definitely, definitely rate it on iTunes and review it on iTunes, and that really helps us out.

So thank you, guys. Everybody's listening. All right, Dan. Here we go. Sent in by Ryan. I do this every time. I think we had him on a few weeks ago. Garout?

Garout? Ryan Garout. I don't know. At the real Garout. You big Garout. Yes. I wonder if he hates Guardians of the galaxy or loves it yeah i am garute both elizabeth township or pittsburgh i've spent most of my time in the elizabeth town

oh yeah yeah did you see that movie elizabeth i thought that was the girl's name elizabeth township oh that would work too that movie that was the cameron crowe movie yes it was and the scene that I love Is the band scene That's where the dude That was in the first season Of Parks and Rec And then he just

Like he just wanted to be A serious actor Oh yeah that guy But he's the dad He's like the fuck up dad That plays in the band And that whole band Is actually

My Morning Jacket What? No way And they play You know the Meow Yeah Freebird That's my favorite and that bird that is on fire goes there's so many great parts to that movie it's like orlando bloom elizabeth township wow

elizabeth town elizabeth town yeah yeah orlando bloom and kirsten dunst are a little much in it oh yeah yes yes ashton kutcher was cast in a shot for a week and then they got him and replaced him with Bloom. He was supposed to play My Morning Jacket? Yeah. Wow. Actually, that was him. He punked everybody.

Do you know who that guy was, though, that plays the dad? Yes. He's great. He's such a good actor. I think he's Dan in season one, or Dave in season one of Parks and Rec. Yeah, he's great in it. Fantastic. Okay, here we go.

Elizabeth Township. okay here we go elizabeth township police are searching for a woman who allegedly defecated outside an elizabeth township gas station look i would say she shits where she eats that's probably an assumption i'm probably true and i love the smell of gas last time you had a gas station sandwich anybody in this room it's it you were at a place in your life yeah when you're like i'll just get one i'll do it for accoutrement like you're driving through a you're at a place in your life yeah when you're like i'll just get one i'll do it for a accoutrement like you're driving through a desert like metaphor a lot of snacks i had a gas station sandwich i remember last august at mancation tuna turkey smoked turkey you can't mess up turkey for new listeners you'll learn as time goes on mancation is a annual trip i do with all the

guys i grew up with because we're idiots. Up in his cabin. In Wisconsin. I just spent a whole minute internally trying to figure out how to turn it into a joke. Go for it. Come on. Okay, I'm just going to throw out the obvious, you know, the, what do they say? Something in the streets, freak in the sheets? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, a woman in the streets. A lady in the streets and a freak in the sheets. Shit in the streets. We can do this. And sleep in the sheets. I don't know street a lady in the street in the sheets shit in the streets we can do this and sleep in the sheets i don't know the whole time i was like trying so hard and i was like no man it's shit in the streets gas station me in the sheet in the cul-de-sacs no it is uh look shit in streets, stick it in the snowman. That could be the name of today's episode. Are you guys going to Todd Glass' show tonight? Is it the show tonight?

I'm going to, I got to text him. Oh yeah, it's good you're promoting it. Yeah. Okay, it happened at the, it happened Christmas Day at the BP gas station. I was leaving a present under the tree. The Christmas miracle. Oh God, god guys I gave my dad a present once I shit in a box did you really on his 40th birthday and we're not my sister's friends parents house next dad by the way we hung out when we did that show it was we were in Seattle yeah yeah oh that was a gun yeah we your dad was

there and we just hung out the whole time. Yeah, yeah. Very cool dad. Very cool dad. Your dad would make the t-shirts for his own t-shirts for the Seahawks games. His dad felt like the type of guy you could so easily, like, would give you some, like, good advice, like, just some listening advice. And then some really good weed. And could beat the shit out of you still.

Like, has a great reach. He would tell you how to beat him, and then he would beat you. Yeah, maybe. You're going to want to hit me on the left side of my face first boom I thought it was gonna be so funny cuz he used to do like he would take a dirty diaper of like my younger brothers and put it in my uncle's bag as he was like leaving to fly back to San Francisco you know like he would do this kind of stuff so obviously I was like oh you know what he's gonna love is when we have like the opening presents if his favorite oldest son in a box and gave it gave it the worst rapping job and then noticed too that it smelled like absolute yeah so went into the woman's bathroom at this people's at these people's house and used her perfume all over the box. So it just smelled like floral shit.

And my dad looked at it. He knew. He just said, he goes, do I really want to open this? And I said, yeah. It's good. You're going to love it. How old were you?

This was last year. 13. No, okay. You were really? 13. He opened it and we were out of that house within 20 seconds. In our cars, never back.

Are you serious? So great, yeah. Get out. Get everybody out. Get your coats. Get your coats. I can't believe you did this at someone else's house. I know, that's the tough part.

You ruined Christmas so much. That was one of the things that I did that was never talked about. It was really like... Let's call your dad right now. I brought it up recently. And I actually brought it up because I didn't believe it had really happened.

Really? It's one of those things, like, when you're young and then when you don't talk about something for so long, you wonder, did I jerk off in those bushes by Roman's house? It is almost the 25-year anniversary of that happening. You need to bring it back up. Turns out I did jerk off in the bushes by my friend's house one night while we were all having an overnight. You gotta go. Sometimes you fuck a snowman were all having an overnight. You gotta go.

Sometimes you fuck a snowman. Things happen, man. You gotta get it. You fucked a bush. It's you communing with me. A hedge. More of a hedge. So she left a present under the tree.

Yep. On the outside. Have a Christmas day at the BP gas station on Scenery Drive. Fitting. How's the scenery on Scenery Drive? Yeah, not good. According to ETP, Elizabeth Township Police, the woman allegedly defecated in the gas station's parking lot.

Right. The store owner said, this is my favorite part, there's always a sentence that makes a story get into this show. The store owner said the woman then went inside and mocked an employee by saying, quote, Merry Christmas, now you have to clean it up. Which, by the way, could mean a lot of things. I mean, you could go to anybody's house and turn to the emotional stuff. But there's always a moment.

What are you angry about, though? That's anger. That's anger at that gas station for like not. Right. I'm like, they don't serve alcohol. They didn't cut her off. Maybe it was one of those deals where you think the price is something and then you realize that was the cash price once you're already there pumping your gas. 50 cents for air.

Maybe she was just pissed she didn't have a car. It could be. Fuck this place. Police say the gas station no longer has a, listen to this, no longer has a public restroom because people would intentionally clog the toilet and cause other damage. They've got issues at this gas station. Why are people so mad at them? I don't know.

People are intentionally clogging the toilet. I wonder if they still have one for the employees. Oh, of course. That's always a lie you have a bathroom no no some the other day some guy was in 7-eleven comes he goes hey uh where's the bathroom i want to be like are you fucking kidding me this is a 7-eleven right when when have you ever seen this is all about it really got me mad you're standing in it you're soaking yourself quote it's disgusting no one here deserved it it's like shocking that people actually have the nerve to do that sean laney said we worked at a gas station we worked at different gas stations our senior year so what would have been your protocol somebody comes and shits there was a guy i would have had

to clean it up yep because i had the least amount of seniority and they would have had to clean it up because I had the least amount of seniority and they would have been like you gotta go clean it up the guy who was above me whose nickname was Booger he literally would have been Booger would have been like you gotta go clean it up Jew what year did you guys work there do you remember? 90

I worked at a gas station when I was 14 for a summer my godfather it was an organ where you had to pump people's gas. So did we. We were completely full service. Full service. So we had to pump gas, check oil, do all that stuff, get cigarettes.

I learned all the cigarettes because we never smoked. Oh, God, yeah. Benson and Hedges menthol ultralights. Benson and Hedges menthol ultralight 100s. That's a different style. I was one. Eve 120s, the more red 120 the longer the ordering was important too like you had to like know what people were yeah marlboro red soft packer hard

soft or hard you guys god we had it all we had to learn it all in surveillance you gave it all up too yeah i know we can still go back in surveillance photos the woman can be seen getting a box of tissues from her vehicle she's got a car and walking past the front doors of the gas station i picture them opening and then closing uh carrying the box other photos and you know the guy's like the hell's this lady doing uh the gas station manager oh and then other photos show her entering the store the gas station manager said the woman is not a regular customer so they don't know her cigarette order i also she's wearing a stealer shirt when she comes into and she has not been wiped with a terrible

towel yeah and it well it was one whether it became it became a terrible one yeah she's not a regular customer has been has not been back since the incident anyone who can identify the woman should contact Elizabeth don't they have her DNA

a lot of it. She's probably off the grid, though. Yeah. It's not like you can just put DNA that's never been found before into a system. If the Steelers make it to the Super Bowl, she may pop up again. Oh, God. Merry Christmas. Now you have to clean it up. What if they let her call the coin toss if the Steelers make it to the Super Bowl?

They should let her. That's a great woman. I was about to say that's someone's mom, but I don't... It's somebody's stepmom, for sure. On her way to or leaving because she got into an argument from a family function on Christmas. I wonder if she had to go so bad, she pulled up, tried to use their bathroom,

said out of order, she took that as a personal affront. That is probably what happened shit and then walked in and said now you got a christmas now you clean up by the way because it probably saw a bathroom sign it was just like out of orders you know right or employees only and they're like sorry you can't come i'm kind of mad that it was christmas because this to me seems like the type of woman that would do this like march 10th right because because you're jewish oh yeah well that too. But I could just imagine this one. What about fucking Jewish holidays?

You could shit at a gas station. Hey, by the way, it was Hanukkah then. It was Hanukkah this Christmas. No, but I mean, I would love to have seen her on March 10th just walk in and be like, Merry Christmas, motherfuckers. You go clean it up. That seems like that would make more sense. And then she walks out, March 10th, bitch! Happy fucking President's Day.

Doesn't even look back. Happy flag. She does it everywhere, but gets the wrong one. Happy Norwegian Independence Day, bitches. Enjoy that Arbor Day, motherfuckers. I'll leave you with something under the tree. I'll fertilize that tree. But no look back.

Like straight up backwards. Did you read the book? Because I read this article. No look back. Like the guy in the Jeep. One of the window cleaners. Oh, wow. Squeegeed it out.

Just dumped it in the water. Oh, I thought you meant one of the guys. Squeegeed her ass and then just walked out of there. I love... What if you had that in the bathroom? Like when you pull up and guys at the gas station got a newspaper in there and they're like, hey, you want to... Yeah, just a little.

When you're in the bathroom and you go over to the paper, the guy's like, or, or, we have this. Every time I go into a bathroom with a bathroom attendant, I ask them that. I'm like, do you wipe me? How does this work? Just to see if I'm- What do they say? I don't know if you've been to-

I said, so you don't think it's hard enough to do this? Well, the mints and the cologne at the Chevron station nearby me are just phenomenal. Phenomenal? The mints, the cologne, and all the breath stuff. And just the conversation. When I walk in, I always see the same guy, my uncle, Rod. And he's in just a tuxedo top, no pants. Nothing.

He's at my house. You have a bathroom attendant at your parents' house? My uncle. You are doing well. He's not. He's not. But you're family. Rod's not.

But you are killing it, man. Oh, my Lord. All right. So before we get out of here, we received a special voicemail. I wonder if it's from a Russian phone. I don't know. We couldn't. It said, caller ID said unknown.

But things are getting good for Steven Seagal, I'm assuming, because of how prominent Russia now is with the U.S. government. But apparently, he's living high. He wanted to let us know how well things are going. So let's listen to that voicemail. 69 works anymore, I think I forgot to use it anyway, so it's probably on your caller ID, next to your answering machine, that's where I keep mine, anyway, calling to let you know, maybe you guys haven't heard, I've been an A-list celebrity since the 80s, and before that I was doing work with the Rangers and the Navy SEALs, I had black ops admissions in Vietnam, that most people will never know about, anyway, I wanted to call you to tell you guys, I recently became a Russian citizen, and now I feel like it's

very good for me to be on the inside As everything kind of goes full back around I'm trying to get a cabinet position I don't know, you know, lower level celebrities Not that you guys aren't great, but obviously you're not Seagal level And now you're, there's no, you know, none of us are Trump level But I figured maybe you guys know him a little bit from back in the day You could ask him two things One, can I be in the cabinet?

And two, I'm just putting this out there Would he include like a bus token? Or maybe like a voucher or something that I can pick up Because that's the only thing is I need help Not help, I shouldn't put it that way I need to let someone drive me To Washington D.C. And that's kinda how

I think we need to start things out right there So, I wanna see if A. You had any leftovers From your party for having a new show And it was your birthday So maybe you got some leftover cake B. Can you give me a bus token and then C.

What are the odds I could be in Trump's cabinet Alright I'm gonna get going right now I just found a hair tie so I'm gonna use that. It's been a good day for me Any day with a hair tie is a good day Alright Konnichiwa

Okay. Okay. Wow. Yeah, I guess. He's really, Steven Seagal is really, I mean. Things don't, they never seem to get better. I think if things get really better for him, he won't be asking for like bus fare and stuff like that. I don't want it to get too good for him. I don't either. I kind of like it because I think if it gets too good for him, he won't be depending on other people.

He himself is really getting everybody, connecting everyone together. I want to thank Nick Thune. I'm so sorry we didn't have time today for your segment, which is a regular segment on this show. Nick's tip. No, we've got time still. I was going to... We do it every time,

and then one time you're here, where there's just no time for it. There's just no time for it. I ran out. It's okay. Next week, you'll hear Nick's tip. I want to hear his tip. No, no, no. You'll hear it next week. You've got to subscribe to the show. It's just no time for it. I ran out. Next week, you'll hear Nick's tip. I want to hear his tip. You'll hear it next week. Subscribe to the show.

It's just for future guests. It's about Noah. Alright, guys. I want to thank everybody here at Feral Audio. Our first episode in the books. Next week on the show, one of the two co-hosts of a great podcast, The Crab Feast, Ryan Sickler, will be on the show one of the two co-hosts of a great podcast The Crab Feast

Ryan Sickler will be on the show and then you guys got Ryan we got him and then the next week we're gonna post up the live

Dumb People Town that we did from Madison, Wisconsin the super first one with Scott Rogowski in Madison which came out great such a blast

I love doing this show live as well so that'll be our third episode and then we just keep going guys subscribe rate give a review. We really appreciate it.

And we will take you down in the future to Dumb People Town. Just enjoy the ride with us.