Dumb People Town - Nikki Glaser - Beetender

Episode Date: May 4, 2021

This week Nikki Glaser comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a kid in a sinking situation. The second story explains what you wanted to know about a backhoe. The final story is all a buzz in the back of a man's car.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Glazer. Gla you. Population Glazer. Glazer. Nikki Glazer. Yay. Hello, guys. Come on.

So good to be here. So good to be here. Have we gotten- It's been a long journey to here for us. It really has. I mean, I love it. Every time you come on, it's always so much fun, and you know we love you so much. My question, has the world gotten dumber since the last time you were on

here. Do we get dumber? Yeah. There's no way it hasn't. I mean, people are learning on zoom now. Like that's how we're educating people. Right.

And people still don't know how to use it. She just, my sister's a teacher at a high school. They just, she told me yesterday, uh, finals are like the age teacher. Like it's optional to give finals. And like, I just don't want She told me yesterday, finals are like, each teacher, it's optional to give finals and I just don't want to do it

because the students, they can't deal with the stress of finals, so they're like, finals don't need to happen this year. Can you imagine being in high school? I went to Kirkwood High School, St. Louis High School and finding out that finals have just been cancelled, that is the

best news. I was giddy just hearing that because I have that dream so many times of I'm not ready for the finals. It's a fresh stress in my life. So no, you're not learning things anymore because you don't have to prepare for the finals even though you didn't really learn

when you're preparing for the finals. You just cram a bunch of knowledge that you dump immediately. It's just the friends we made along the way. That's what high school was. The friends we made along the way and then the after party for the after prom. I've been hoping that you dance. At a Red Roof Inn.

Which you're like, I'm sorry, I heard a thud next door. Did someone just kill a hooker? I hope you dance. Class of 90 rules. You guys had good after proms. We always used to say that in St. Louis. Murder a hooker right i hope you dance class of 90 good after proms oh god we always used to say that in st louis murder a hooker like no one's looking no is that dance i forget i can't remember what no but that is funny if you don't have finals to me that's like the best snow day ever because snow days eventually have to get made up i don't want to sidetrack us but are oh yeah

how screwed up are like college admissions gonna be so college admissions are not what are they because like they don't take sats they don't even take well act was northern illinois that's what we know act is now the thing but like oh really i have a you have to prove that you might have been on a rowing team once it was picture evidence that's all you need to get yeah of course you need at least one photo by the way that's easy to prove that's crazy yeah so laufman's daughter is a starting point guard for the USC men's basketball. I cannot believe that. She's got good skills.

Well, I do think it's getting dumber, and Nikki, you know how this thing works. Our awesome fans send us stories, and then the four of us just try and break it down. We try and make sense of this big, dumb world. I feel like a big, dumb dam that just got broken up, and so now all the stupidity is just rushing in.

So let's get into a story right now. Shall we get ready? Yes. This was sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. I love her. She's a stalwart. I love her. She sends in so many stories.

Thank you. Here's that. I'll read you the headline. Cruise rescue boy swallowed up by sinkhole in Thompson, man, CBC. Where would that be? CBC is man. Man would be

what then? Manitoba. Manitoba, Canada. British Columbia. Good call. So they have sinkholes up in like, wait, Nikki, why weren't there sinkholes? A sinkhole is like when the ground is really soft and then all of a sudden it just completely drops out. Yeah, it's like Midwestern quicksand.

There's a video of a sinkhole like on a bridge. No, a bridge just dropping straight into a sinkhole while people are on it. And it's insane. Oh my God. Did the people die? They didn't die, but like a car went down. But it was the friends they made along the way.

It was the friends they made along the way. Their finals were insane. Along the way down. Wait, but why didn't this happen when we were kids? There should have been like eight sinkholes in St. Charles. I don't remember because we all grew up in a different time. Our parents would have let us play by the sinkhole. Hey, you can go right up to the edge of the sinkhole,

but don't go in it. You can throw stuff in the sinkhole. Nikki, I could see your parents who we've met, like who are super chill and also feel like they could be like our brother and sister. Like they feel like our age. Yeah, they're very cool. Where's Nikki?

Someone calls your landline. Where's Nikki? Oh, she's playing by the sinkhole. You guys are cool with that? How's she going to learn? They don't take the SATs anymore. We used to go in the creek system a lot. You took chances. You'd go in abandoned construction system a lot like you took chances you'd go in like abandoned

you know construction sites are kids still doing that they just have sinkholes now we had to find our own sinkholes now with climate change the kids have everything given to them we had to make our own damn sinkhole

I love that you called it the creek system. Is that like the nomenclature for St. Louis? Well, there's a creek system in our neighborhood. I lived in Harwood Hills. And there were creeks that ran through the whole suburbs. And oh, that was such a fun time to go back through there and just go creaking. Yeah, I don't even know what we were doing.

There's your album, Nikki. Nikki Glaser just go creaking just go yeah i don't even know what you're doing just look nikki glacier creaking creaking it's just you and i am working on one that's a great that's a great title gone you and the golden state killer just running around oh yes that was the guy he knew the creek systems too that was one of the i think that was the first time i felt seen with as like my childhood freaking everything i'll be gone in the dark you bore every single thing this guy ever did however you do get his love of creaking uh no no no he what yeah that was so creepy i'm like i could have run into him and like i'm very fascinated and like that like just that kind of stuff like we all are serial killers and like just creeps but there's like me and my friends always used to go in the woods like lolmeyer

sculpture park we would go through there yep when we were young girls and like there's like this there's this one indiana like you know these two girls were went creaking kind of out in the woods and they recorded on snapchat the guy who ended up murdering them and they're trying to find him but there's this creepy footage of it and it is so in Indiana two girls were like it's so sad but I'm fascinated by it. Don't go to a creek. That could happen to me anytime. There were sinkholes

there was kidnappers everywhere like we were just running around unchecked. Yeah there's danger everywhere. Do you guys remember the 1970s when Elton John and Creaky D did Don't Go Creaking My Heart? Stop. Ask our brothers. Don't go creaking my heart.

All right, stop. You guys want to see a picture of this kid? I do want to see a picture of the kid who fell in the sinkhole. I'm going to bring up the photo. His name is Samuel Desjardins. Oh. Samuel Desjardins. Samuel of the Gardens.

Of the Gardens. Desjardin. Oh, yeah. Desjardin or Dejardin it could be okay you ready look at this little boy

oh and he's stuck oh my god he's stuck creaking wait that's him being stuck he couldn't get out of that he could not

well actually he got out and then they had him go back in for the photo get back in there I gotta take this picture wait is that really him stuck like that doesn't that doesn't it's not alarming at all no I mean and then they had him go back in for the photo. Get back in there. I got to take this picture. Is that really him stuck?

Yes. It's not alarming at all. No. I mean, I guess you think you could get out of that, but I think that's... But Dan's right. That's kind of fun. Yeah, it does look kind of fun.

Dan's right, though. He got out and then someone was like, oh shit, I was on Panorama. Go back in. Go back in. I want to do it on portrait because I want to do. I want to get your face. These have the like they're not bottomless. Obviously we're not talking mimosas, but they do they like they're extremely deep and it's a is a yeah suction to them. So the more you move, the faster you're going to go

down sand. It's modern day. Yes, yes, yes, sinkhole quicks move, the faster you're going to go down. It's quicksand. It's modern day quicksand. Yes. Wait, quicksand's a whole different thing. Like quicksand is real, right? Yes, it's like saturated. I like modern day, like quicksand, like it became obsolete. Right. That was one of the things we were terrified when we were kids. Quicksand, kidnappers, and Dobermans.

If you were a kid in the 80s, those were your top pick. Doman pinchers oh those were big 80s magnum what what cultural phenomenon uh inspired the fear of dobermans i was big and then a lot of like james bond villain yes and also uh chuck norris had some yeah anybody who was a villain always had dobermans and like in the middle of a speech to someone, they would just throw a steak on the floor and you just see him go. Oh, you're right. You're right. Okay. Mr. Burns, when he would release the dogs, those were Dobermans.

Those were Dobermans. Oh, yes. Okay. All right. Samuel Desjardins is on his way home from playing basketball with a friend on Saturday in Thompson when he took a step into a puddle and plunged into frigid waist deep water. Oh my God, as everyone

that's so scary. This is like a black mirror episode. Yeah, so you go in, but you also like learn something about your future, right? So it's like it's a real your life may end here, but if it doesn't, you'll know something you'll know who you're going to marry. Yeah, at age eight the puddle which the pair decided to wade through in their boots

so they first went in little step step fine kept going through keep going man it's only gonna get better this is what i love i love you canada i thought he was like splashing from puddle like jumping and then all of a sudden one was just free. So he knew this puddle was... Is this a metaphor for a bad relationship? Like take one step in, you start sinking, you're like, let me just keep going. Your feet are getting a little muddy, that's a red flag, but you just breathe right past those. Let me just see, I can get through this.

We can get through this. And then you end up waist deep in a lot of shit. And you can't get out. And you're stuck. And you're fucking stuck. And you can get your friends to try to, their friends want to get you out. Right.

But it's going to take you. The harder they pull. And much like Samuel Desjardins, people take pictures of you during this time in your life when you are stuck waist deep in the shit and you still smile,

but you are in it just like he did. Oh, you're in it. You're so in it. Okay, so this kid. Well, so they walked through the puddle. They decided to wade their boots through as a way to bypass the muddier sidewalk.

So they thought going through a mud field better than the sidewalk. Yeah, in the city's Riverside area turned out to be a sinkhole. Samuel's friend tried to help him out, but it was no use. He was starting to get sucked into the other friend. God, this is so scary. The boys were able to flag down a woman who ran to Samuel's house and told his parents what happened. Imagine

that exchange. Oh my God. Hey, Deb, why are you out of breath? Has to run for the first time in twenty five years, twenty five years. Everything's flying out of her purse because she doesn't have it nailed down. It's all flying out and she has to get there and then tell them like,

Hey, remember your son? Yeah, of course we do. He's now in a sinkhole. I know. He's already late. No, no, literally. He's in a sinkhole. You know how your relationship is? That's what she says. You know, that's the metaphor for your relationship is what your son what she says. You know, that's the metaphor for your relationship

is what your son is. You'll know it when you see it. You'll get what I'm meaning. At least he'll be more. Yeah, he'll have new perspective on your marriage.

According to Samuel's mom, Julie, that'd be Julie Desjardins. She said on Sunday, I had no idea what Deb really meant. You just, I put the Devin,

you just kind of envision your kid stuck, like maybe up to his knee, if anything. So when she walked up, she had to be like, Wasted. No, yes. Samuel's dad, Paul, Dejardin, said he didn't quite understand what he was looking at

when he found his son in the sinkhole. How do you not understand that? Did we have a hard time understanding it? Do you think your son's cut in half? What do you not understand that? Did we have a hard time understanding it? Do you think your son's cut in half? What do you not understand? I understand the confusion. Is he in a puddle that's like a giant hole?

Is the water muddy and is it more viscous than just a watery puddle? I could see the confusion. But his wife is really disappointed that he doesn't get it and is telling talking to other people passive aggressively about her husband. He doesn't understand what's going on.

I get it. One of his parents knows what we need to do here. Also imagine the dad being like, get out. Just get out. I don't understand. Just get out. It doesn't matter if you don't understand it. He can't get out. Just get out. I don't understand. Just get out. Crawl your ass out. Dale, it doesn't matter if you don't understand it.

He can't get out. We'll talk about the logistics of it later. It doesn't matter. I don't even understand any of this. I don't understand what I'm looking at. Get out. It might help me get our son out if I understand. It doesn't matter.

He can't get out. Let me just Google it. Just the guy. Oh, dad. So psyched. And then suddenly the kid realizes. This is why. I'm standing in what my parents are in.

Standing in my parents' marriage. And the parents are fighting. They're like, this is why we don't go camping. And he's like, well, no, I don't. No, we don't go camping because you hate bugs. I bought the timeshare and you don't want to use it. When I got there, I thought it was kind of funny. I was wondering like how did you get in that deep? Paul said it was

a definite change to the weekend. His dad Paul's out of this to the itinerary of stuff we're doing this weekend. Well, I guess I'm not going to mow the lawn at three like I thought yeah Paul wasn't able to pull his son out either. He called emergency services, which sent out two ambulances and a fire truck within five minutes to ambulances. Look at this photo. I have it line. Wait, wait, wait. Why two ambulances because they thought because his dad probably thought he was literally cut in half one for the top half, one for the bottom. I don't want him to have to see that bottom half

One for the top half, one for the bottom half. I don't want him to have to see that bottom half next to him. He's all mangled. He's all mangled, Cheryl. He's mangled under there. Julie. He's probably in front of the kids. They're like, he's probably dead. He doesn't even know it yet.

Once they pull him out of there. Paul, he's talking to us, Paul. Paul, he's alive. Okay, you ready to see what it looked like with EMT people there? Yes. Here we go. Look at his friend laughing. His friend's cracking up.

Also, doesn't this show you how narrow the hole must be? Because the firemen are standing in a place where they can actually just stand. Oh, yeah. That's true. So they are within a couple feet of him and up to their boots.

Right. Ankles. And of course, by the way, there's like snow on the ground in Canada like there will be for like the next 12. There is. Like it'll be snow on the ground. Yeah, you're getting that good Canada half and half where like some parts have melted. But I gotta say this.

As a parent of kids, like don't go jumping in this shit. I mean, this looks like it could be dangerous. I mean, I guess it looks muddy, but he's an idiot for going in there. But where they are, look at, he had to get so unlucky. Look at everywhere he could have walked going up where the firemen are and been fine.

Dan, he jumped into this thing. He's like, yes. Nikki, do you think he jumped in with both feet? I think, you know, I don't, I think it, it just was a step. And then it was like, oh my God. Cause I think that is was a step and then it was like oh my god because I think that is like a very he just fell in the what's the little

kids used to always get caught in those wells drains and stuff this feels like one of those oh god you just happened to fall into that thing I guess those kids crawled in them this could be a great story for this kid's life.

Like from here on out, it's a very much a look before you leap for the rest of his life. And he'll ever always be saying, hey, man, watch out. Because one time when I was a kid, I took one step and I was in a single. I'm hiring this dude for a cameo. It won't be funny until, you know, later. But he's going to be very embarrassed. This kid kids. I don't know if I hope he celebrates the fame that he gets from

this, but it's probably going to be really embarrassing for him. Yeah, they're going to later. He'll benefit from me sinkhole. Sammy firefighter up front is real hot. Yeah, exactly. I want to go it's got you got to go mascot because these days I'm going to go plop it around in some fucking puddle later.

That shows I get rescued. You want to get rescued by these guys. Send the fire. I love that. Even I'll make my own puddle. That's right. The shot. I'll make my own sinkhole.

Even even I love that. Even in Canada, the firefighters are hot. Of course. Everywhere. I mean, that guy. Yeah. I mean, that's crazy. All right.

Do you know that the Canadian Canadian calendar is like 14 months? Just for all the firemen? Yes. Because there's just so many hot. They add two months. They add two months. By the time those crews that we just saw arrive. They're like book prices.

Just a little bit more. Yeah. Had already been in the sinkhole for some time. He said he couldn't feel the bottom of the hole. Just the pressure of his right leg being sucked down further. This is insane. I know this is

going to be traumatizing for this kid. He's going to be. He's going to be. Here's what he said. Thank God it wasn't deeper. This kid isn't that tall. Right? All I had to tell myself a toddler, right? Yeah. Oh, you'd be gone. There is a toddlers beneath him. I couldn't even set my life on the shoulders of toddlers.

Oh, my God. Samuel said, all I had to tell myself is that I was going to get out. It was going to be over because I knew that it would. I love this. Don't change that outlook on life. That is a great mantra for getting stuck in a sinkhole. His mom's like that. How old is this kid? His mom was like that's what I was

saying the first time I had sex with your father. Just close your eyes. You're going to get out of it. This is going to get over. We're going to get out of this soon as we get some EMTs to pull me out. There was a bunch of people there helping me and through this. If one of those EMTs shows up

says there are people there helping me and joking, and I also helped keep myself calm instead of thinking about what was happening. That's cool. In a Facebook post, the Thompson Professional Firefighters Association opposed to the amateur firefighters. I need to let people know said that Samuel kept his cool while crews work to get

him out. Many other kids have panicked. Instead you maintained your calm attitude and sense of humor. Emergency crews emergency crews spent 30 minutes trying to free Samuel, but even they started getting stuck in the mud. So

they bail. So these guys got so they bail on him. That's got to feel good for Samuel. Why don't you put like a rope around his waist and just pull him? He's been commended. They were pulling hard to try and get him out, but he wasn't moving at all.

That's when they called the city's vacuum truck, which was finally able to help him get out after being stuck in the sinkhole. They sous vide him. Wait, they vacuued him? Yeah, they vacuumed him, then they sous vide him, and then they served him that night at a restaurant. By the time

by the time the vacuum truck got there, Samuel was shiving uncontrollably. This is where I start. Yeah, like okay. All right. I was gonna say just had a little you know, long sleeve t-shirt on this poor kid. It's freezing. How long in total do you guys think Samuel Desjardins was

stuck in the sinkhole? How long do you guys think Samuel Desjardins was stuck in the sinkhole? How long do you think you know? He'd been in there two hours and 15 minutes. Wow, and then they get there and I gave you a hint that they spent 30 minutes before they gave up on him and then they had to get the goddamn vacuum truck. That's got to come. He said two hours and 15.

That actually is, by the way, should be a children's book. Yes, Sammy in the sinkhole in the sinkhole. Okay. Oh the way, should be a children's book. Yes. Sammy and the Sinkhole. Sammy and the Sinkhole. Okay. Oh, my God. I'm going to say four hours and ten minutes. Okay. I would say the book should be called Goodnight Legs.

No. That works. What did you say? How many hours did you say? Four, ten, and she said two, fifteen. Two, fifteen. I'm going to go three. I'll go in the middle, you guys.

Three hours. The amount of time that Sammy spent in the sinkhole before they were able to get him out is approximately two hours. There you go. Nick Glazer. What a win.

Impressive. Thank you. That was a fun one. That was a really good one. Hey, Nikki Glaser has a new podcast. We're going to talk about it on the other side of this break. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere.

Stick around. Nikki's down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. We got Nikki Glaser. She's a great follow on social media. And definitely, we want you to check out our new podcast.

Tell our fans about it so they can get into it. Yeah, it's daily, Monday through Thursday. It's me and my roommate slash best friend slash opener in our house, in our apartment, just every morning doing a radio show talking about our lives and the topics of the day. And it's really fast-paced. It's so fun.

Yep, love it. It's just like a feel-good show, and we just laugh a lot. And it's kind of like a daily morning show in a podcast form. And it's called the Nikki Glaser Podcast. I love it. And you can get it wherever you get podcasts.

Well, you've done radio, so you know how to do the thing where I got to make it this time. And I mean, you're just well-versed in doing that on a daily. That's a hard thing to pull off the daily thing. You got to say, okay, what areas? Oh, I wish it were more days. I love, I don't like prep. I don't really like preparing for like once a week. There's too much pressure on it. I like, I like i like it came about because i'm doing like i like stand up you just like do it and then you don't have to like look at it again and you can just go in and do it like i approach stand up and radio the same way i'm like i don't

really prepare a lot and i like to wing it and it feels good it's just i just like once the world shut down with covid i was like i want to do have a creative outlet every day and i'm getting a little too old like i just kind of want to settle down maybe a little bit and not just stand up every night of my goddamn life for the rest of my life like it's kind of a young person's game oh my god so i'm just like what uh do i want to what could i do every day that's like a creative outlet it's like oh like Oh, like a morning radio thing, but that doesn't, that's not like really a world anymore. So now I'm doing it on a podcast. Have you stumbled?

Have you stumbled on bits where you're like talking about something? You're like, Ooh, there's something in this, whatever you just start coming and talking about. And you're like, Oh, okay.

I know I'm talking about this. There's definitely something here. Like a standup. You know, I wish I could say yes, but no, because I don't go back. That's I'm really bad at going back and, and listening to things that could be bits. And I hope that people will remind me. Sometimes I'll say yes, but no, because I don't go back. I'm really bad at going back and listening to things that could be bits.

And I hope that people will remind me. Sometimes I'll say like, okay, this could be a bit. Someone remind me. Someone remind me. And then no one reminds me. But I do that on stage too, where I'm like, that was a really good joke. I'm like, can you guys tweet at me later? Just like these three words and I'll remember that.

Dude, crowdsource it. Crowdsource that shit. I don't listen to my recordings. You're like Elon Musk asking for bits from the audience. Kidding. You're not. Since we had you on last time, I want to tell you that you and Mateo crushed it on Stern.

Yeah. Oh, thank you. Yeah, that was so funny. Yeah, that was so fun. Oh, my God. That was so good. I just heard today, I woke up to a tweet about,

they were talking about me on Stern today, and it's so humiliating sometimes because, i love being like someone that they can just go oh nikki glazer did that like friend of the show and they've gotten so much out of me over the years that like they reference stuff and they like got me to of course i was like talking about my sex life and i like he asked the right questions i like didn't even want to talk about this thing but i like admitted that he thought i was like oh you slept with this guy and i was like no i didn't sleep with him he's like what'd you do with it i'm like i don't want to like get into details it comes out that i like gave someone uh you know a beach and i like was like yeah that's what i did okay okay that's what i did and then it became

this thing of like she blew this guy he's like a person with a name and they were talking about this guy on the show this morning this guy is has now since engaged, moved on with his life. And it just keeps getting brought up. They're like, oh, yeah, that's the guy. He's on this thing. And they're talking about him. And they're like, oh, yeah, Nikki Glaser blew him. And then that's a thing that he has to read on his tweets.

And it's just like, God, why did I? Poor guy. You just got to laugh. Poor guy. You just gotta laugh. It's like, yeah. Poor you. I love being that much of a name on the show that they can just toss out there, but it is a thing that's haunting me forever. Well, I mean, look.

Yeah, poor me. It's a dumb one. At one point, he was on the tip of your tongue, and now you're on the tip of their tongue. So that's nice. There we go. There we go. Well, we should mention that we've got a live

Dumb People Town coming up with the Doughboys podcast. It's going to be so much fun at Nowhere Comedy Club on September, or September, May 22nd. It's a Saturday night, 630. You can get your tickets at danielvankirk.com or nowherecomedyclub.com. So we got Chris Thiele from Nickel Creek is going to be playing music. And he's so good.

We're going creaking. We're going creaking. Nickel creaking. Oh, my God. He's amazing on the mandolin. And then the Doughboys, which is one of my favorite podcasts. And we are going to do the fried chicken sandwich. Nickel creaking. Oh my God. He's amazing on the mandolin. And then the Doughboys, which is one of my favorite podcasts. And we are going to do

the fried chicken sandwich. Nickel creak. Yeah, I know that band. They were like so big. I mean, I'm sure they're still big, but like they were big in like, I'm going to say like 2002. Yes.

Is that when we first heard about Nickel Creek? Yes. Because when you say it, it makes me think of Nickelback, and that's not. Not Nickelback. But Nickel Creek is like ding ding ding

like they're like they had like a mandolin hit in like the early 2000s that we were all into in high school fuck yeah and Chris Thiele

is like went on to become he took over Garrison Keillor's show Prairie Home Companion and they called it live from here and they have comics

on that show we've done it that's how we got to know him and so he's now going to do the show he's funny and he's really good and like a great musician oh that's great it's going got to know him. And so he's now going to do the show. He's funny and he's really good and a great musician. Oh, that's great. It's going to be awesome. Again,

get your tickets for that. And we're going to do the fried chicken sandwich challenge where we try each of us. And it should be a blind taste test where you show what it is on the other side. And then we will try the Popeyes. Because the Doughboys, they basically study. They are

basically professors. And are basically professors. And they break down. Poet laureates of chain food. So we're going to try it. And we're going to determine amongst the three of us, is it Popeye's, is it Chick-fil-A, or Kentucky Fried? Yes. OK, we're going to try it.

We're not even letting McDonald's into the equation. No, McDonald's does not. And we're not even touching Noggle's. Yeah, that's a local thing. Wait, you're not going to do a McDonald's crispy chicken? No. I mean, should we add it to the mix? I used to love them when I used to eat McDonald's and meat, but

I thought they were delicious. Tell me the ones again. Popeye's and Chick-fil-A, that is like a street fight. You got to do Wendy's. Their Wendy's is the best. Wendy's has the pub pretzel. I can't wait till we get sick on camera.

It would be awesome if you did a blind taste test of all these and determine what is really the best. I want that so bad. You gotta add more. So that's gonna happen. So if you wanna see that, you gotta get your tickets for the live Dumb People Town. It's gonna be so much fun. And then Daniel Van Kirk does a lot of wonderful events.

If you go to danielvankirk.com, you can play bingo with him. Raise some money for no-kill animal shelters, big brothers, big sisters, food banks. It's fun. They're all fun. It's just a hang with DVK. So go and check play bingo with him. Raise some money for no kill animal shelters, big night sisters, food banks. It's they're all fun. It's just a hang with DVK. So go and check that out. All right. So let's jump into story to shall we ready? Okay, let's do it. Here we go. Yes, mountain home man accused of stealing driving backhoe sent in by Robert Liddy

at RJ Liddy, RJ Liddy part of the Nixon administration. That's right. RJ Liddy. This is the name of the town in Arkansas. I believe mountain home. That's right. R.J. Liddy. So this is the name of the town in Arkansas, I believe. Mountain Home. That's the town? Yeah. So when they go,

a mountain home man, it doesn't, he might live in a mountain home. He might have a house near a mountain. Oh, I was picturing him in a mountain. Okay. This threw me off.

When I first saw the headline, I'm like, what an obscene. He's not a mountain man. He's a mountain home man. Where do you live? What did he steal? He stole a backhoe.

Like, you know how like you see one of those. What's a backhoe? That's a girl who lets you do you live? What did he steal? He stole a backhoe. You know how you see one of those? What's a backhoe? That's a girl who lets you have sex with her from behind. Well, okay. Consider me a backhoe. Nikki's like, I know a few backhoes. Yeah, you learn something new about yourself every day. Last time I used a backhoe?

To dig a grave. Really? Dan was a ditch digger. No, a grave digger. I mean, it depends. Dan worked as a grave digger yeah a long time ago and you use a backhoe

it's one of those little you know it drags out the dirt it's like an electronic it's like a crane oh like a caterpillar thing yeah yeah yeah yes it's a lot it's crazy how much but you sit in a little seat and you like do it.

Yes. Like you, levers and stuff. Okay. So you saw one of those. Got it. So there are those people who walk by and see one of those unmanned and say, oh, some people are having some work done. And then there's this guy who walks by and is like, I could probably take that.

I literally thought you were going to go. There are people in this world who look at a backhoe and say, why? And there are other people in this world who look at a backhoe and say why and there are other people in this world who look at a backhoe and say why not doing like a JFK. I really thought you were going to have some sort of JFK. Ask not what your backhoe can do for you.

Ask what you can do with a backhoe. Okay, a mountain home man and JFK by the way would have said that JFK has lots of backhoes. He had so many backhoes. Yeah, he did have backhoes. Also, if I told any of the three of you

that one of my favorite shows on HGTV was Mountain Home Man, would you doubt me for one second? So it's a guy who comes in. He's fully bearded, wears flannel, but he's a gay interior designer. Mountain Home Man. Mountain Home Man. Yeah, and it's a gay interior designer. Mountain home man. Yeah, and it's been on for

eight seasons. Oh, at least. We're deep. This isn't like a new show. It's very beloved. I would not even, I would be like, I guess I just haven't heard of that. There's shows like that all the time. That's in its eighth season. Eight seasons. But Nikki, here's the thing.

Once you've heard about it, you will have seen it once, and then every time you're on the road in a hotel, that's the season, but nikki here's the thing once you've heard about it, you will have seen it once and then every time you're on the road in a hotel, that's the only episode that's ever on that always this like love it or list it forever. I'm always like i've seen this mountain home man should have been that show should have been called truck it or fuck it. That's number one and number two. His catch phrase is the mountain home man done got us good. That's what they say at the end, his catchphrase is the mountain home man done got us good. That's what they say at the end instead of moving the bus.

Mountain done got us good. I can't quit you. Like they're happy about it or they're like, they're like, oh, like the revamp is like he done. Like it's a trick. There's like a prank. Because he puts one thing into your home that you didn't want. He puts one thing into your home. And then't want he puts one thing and then they like they find like a raccoon like a stuffed raccoon like in the shower and then they scream and then

they go oh the mountain man got us good hey how come this toilet again this toilet spraying water up my asshole he put up a day in there mountain man got us good a mountain hill man we haven't started a mountain hill man is facing felony theft charge after reportedly driving a backhoe away from a work site that checks out an officer was dispatched to West Second Street and South Hickory Street in Mountain

Home in reference to someone stealing a backhoe from a work site. How long do you wait before you call? Because at first you're like, is this guy working after our I don't think he's supposed to leave. Why is that driving off and like workers are shrugging like once he pulls into a quick trip, you're like calling the cops. That is not that. That is no way he shouldn't be doing that like picking up hitchhikers on the street. Yeah, he's in traffic and

officer pulled into a parking lot near the work site after not initially finding the construction vehicle, but saw here's our hero brent w oakley, a mountain home man. Oh yeah, I know oakley and you know that's all he wears that no fear shirts, wrap around sunglasses, driving the backhoe towards him towards the cop. He's like buddy. No, the man parked the backhoe next to the police officer and told the officer he did not have permission to be driving it, nor did it belong to him. Oh my God.

I hope that's how he started out like he pulls up to this comes up. I do things. I do not have permission to drive this and it does not belong to me. What else you want to know? Right? I'm going to head him off at the pass. I have dormant herpes and I am also I also have fear of commitment, right? I'm out

of a breva. According to the report, a corporal arrived on the scene. That's a big Arkansas cop and told the officer to place Oakley under arrest for theft, which I hope means the first officer was like he already confessed that we even arrest him to what? Where's the investigation here? Oakley under arrest for theft, which I hope means the first officer was like, he already confessed. Did we even arrest him?

Where's the investigation here? Oakley told officers he was drinking. The officer asked him if he would complete a standardized field sobriety test while at the station, and Oakley reportedly told him not to waste his time because he was drunk. You want to do a field sobriety? Why would I waste your time? We're friends.

You know me. Wait, have you ever had to do a field sobriety test, would I waste your time? We're friends. Have you ever had to do a field sobriety test, Nikki? No. You don't. Don't do them. Just say no. Say no. You say no? You're smart enough not to drive while even a little bit.

Well, I don't drink anymore, but let's say I start again. You always say no? Don't do a breathalyzer. Don't field sobriety. Just say no. Okay. I'm too scared to tell cops no you'll lose your license, but then you'll get it back and then you won't have a dui because you'll

probably get out of also if a cop pulls up just take the keys out of the ignition always okay. If you fall, if you fall asleep in your car, i mean keys aren't really ever take a guy in high school and you're not driving it. He was eighteen. Okay, he had left a party and he was and he he was like I should not be driving. So he pulled over and went to sleep. Knock, knock, knock on the window. He got a DUI because his keys were in the ignition, which showed an intent

to drive. If he had taken his keys out of the ignition, they he could have. He's just a guy. I could have been a campsite for the night. Yeah. Yeah. All right. Well, what do you guys think?

Good lesson. Oh, please. Brent W. BWO. What was his blood alcohol? What was his blood alcohol content? Okay. So this is a great one.

How drunk do you have to be to be like, I'm going to take that back home, but then so drunk that you go, hey, officer, this is what happened here before you even got here and then be so drunk to be like, let's not waste your time on me. I'm drunk. I'm drunk. So legal limit is 0.08 0.08 knowing that. Okay, where do you think he's at? I'm going to go 0.18. Okay, that's good.

That's a good. Yeah, Jay, what do you think? That's so right in the wheelhouse. I have a number just popped to me. So go ahead. Point. I'm going to save and hire 0.21. I'm going to say 0.25 go ahead point. I'm going to save in higher point to one. I'm going to say point to five point to five. Okay, that's big Oakley's blood alcohol level was and then we will guess his age

point one zero what? That's not even that. What is he coming down? I'm I think he just wanted a friend. Yeah, I think he just wanted a friend. He had just left a cocktail party. What if the fetish for him was admitting things that he was about himself?

That's what he was like. I want to get in trouble. I want to admit that I'm doing things wrong. I'll drive right up next to a cop. Right. Maybe we'll be friends. Remember when you were kids at like your whatever pool you were at. And like if you were at a pool where it was like adult swim and the people

would be like okay kids get out you gotta get out the adults we gotta they gotta do laps and you just stayed in the pool as long as you could until they kicked you out there was a little feeling of excitement in there I don't want to call it sexual but there's a feeling of like you get a little rush maybe that's what this is you just wanted the rush

you wanted the rush of kick me out of this pool well what do we have motive? Like, was it just because he was drunk? Like, and he probably knew how to drive this thing. So he was like, Oh,

let me like see. I can take that. This reminds me of my, you know, that summer. So he's like, let's see if I still got it. Yep.

Yep. Let's see if I still got it. That kind of thing. Was there nostalgia? I just, I want to know what he's going through. Right. Brent W.

Oakley is totally the type of guy who has on many occasions said, let's see if I still got it right. I hope his middle name is Brent. Brent went Oakley. Here's a picture. You guys are going to get to see him and then we're going to guess how old he is. Sometimes, by the way, this is that muddies it.

It makes more detail. It could throw you off. Let's see what he he is. Sometimes, by the way, this is that muddies it. It makes more. It could throw you. All right. Let's see what he looks like. Oh, okay. This article was like, we got to put bars behind his photo. Otherwise, how will people know that he's the guy? Yeah, that's like if Joe Rogan wasn't in shape. You know what I mean?

Oh, my God. Or if like Mitch Fattel went on like Jerry Lewis's prednisone. Oh, Mitch Fattel. He looks like every door guy in Florida. The Mitch Fattel went on like Jerry Lewis's prednisone. Oh, it's Mitch Fattel. I haven't heard. He looks like every door guy in Florida. The Mitch Fattel. You got ID? He doesn't like move his mouth when you're talking.

You got ID? He's like a friend who's not identified on like Real Housewives of New Jersey. And he loves Huntington Beach. Right. He just shows up every once in a while. And Tito Ortiz. Yeah. Soton Beach. He just shows up every once in a while. Antito Ortiz. Yeah. So, okay. He gets two Monster Energies at 7-Eleven every

day for breakfast. They put them on the counter when he walks in. And points at something in one of the grills. That's the guy in line with two Monster Energies. He's the only guy any of us know who has ordered wings. Who the wings in 7-eleven 7-eleven all right how old how old do you think he is w oakley i'm gonna say oh my god this is so this is way harder than it should

be you know i'm gonna say he he looks like shit but so I'm gonna say he's younger than I think he is so I'm gonna say he's 35 wow okay Jay what do you think I think he could be president

he really could he will be he's qualified I swear to God I don't know if this guy is 27 or 47 like he could be either of those things

I'm gonna say 27 I know that's crazy but he just oh yeah I'm gonna now go in the opposite direction both things. I'm going to say 27. I know that's crazy, but he just says... Oh, yeah. I'm going to now go in the opposite direction, both of you. I'm going to say 43.

43. Wow. We are all over the place. I can tell you this. One of you is only one year off. Okay. So I get to change. Everybody gets to go

one up or one down. Nikki, do you want to go one up or one down? I'm going 34. Okay. I'm going up 28. I'm going 42. His Saturn is returning by the way. All right, I can

tell you the Brent W Oakley to round out story number two is 34 years. You're crushing this, Nicky. Way to go, Nicky! You just walk in and own it.

I love it. All right, there you go. Story two down in the books. Dan, can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to hear in story three? It's a short one, but what is it? A man returns to his car and has way more than he bargained for.

Oh, Jesus. That's on the other side of the break. And then for Patreon fans, we're going to just talk to Nikki and ask her a little question that'll get her talking. For that,

this is Dumb People Town. We have one more segment, so stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. Oh, townies, it's that time again for us to give shout outs to our Patreons, our Patreon fans. We we can't tell you how much we appreciate your support. And one way we get to share it with you is on the show.

We call you out and we do something special with your name. Dan, let's get into it. Kristen Kim. Kristen Kim is a townie. Thank you, Kristen. KK. KK. I hope there's not another K in there.

She's great. She comes to a lot of Hub City shows. Yes. Love it. And I've accidentally called her Kim more times than I care to mention. All right, guess who else we got? True local, Daniel D.

Daniel D. Daniel D. The double D. Double D. Double D is the place to be. Now, is this Silver Surfer, aka.k.a. Cosmic Drifter? Because it says Cosmic Drifter, which would be the Silver Surfer. Correct.

I can't tell which one is his playa name, folks. Guys, I've been to Burning Man. Oh, RIP, by the way. No Burning Man this year, Ran. No Burning Man. So, Dan, that means next year I'll get to maybe go with you for your first time. There you go. Maybe Silver Surfer, this Cosmic Gentleman will be there, go with you for your first time. There you go.

Maybe Silver Surfer, this cosmic gentleman will be there too. When you're 50, Ran, you're going to go? All right, let's go. Ready for this one? I've already read it in my head and I've decided it sounds like a song by Carly Simon. Andy Cain. You probably think this shout out's about you. Andy Cain.

All right, next up we have a true local, Eric Brought Kane. Oh, all right. Next up we have a true local, Eric Broughton. Eric Broughton. Eric Broughton. Why don't you bring it? It's already been brought. Hi, I'm Eric Broughton and I own this meatpacking plant behind me. If you're interested in quality meats at a reasonable price, then

that's me because I'm the working man who cares about the working man. Eric Broughton for Stop Shopping. I'm Eric Broughton for stop. I'm Eric Broughton, but do I have police experience? No, but do I care about people? You bet. That's why I'm running for sheriff. All right. I don't know who that guy is.

We have a founding mother slash father, a founding parent, Chris Slattery, Christy, Christy Slattery. That's right. I hope it's not the Christy Slattery. I hope. Isn't that from Mad Men Slattery? From Mad Men. Mad Men.

Yeah. Next up, we got Mike Hudson. Townie. Huddaman. The Huddaman. Aaron Gorham. Gorham. That sounds like a furniture store.

Gorham Hats. Yes. Gorham Hats. That's true. Ian Porter Phillips. You skipped one. I know, but I'll come back to it. Ian Porter Phillips. His name. Ian Porter Phillips. You skipped one. I know, but I'll come back to it. Ian Porter Phillips.

His name is Ian Porter Phillips. His name is Ian Porter, and there's a million things he cannot fill up. All right, let's go back. Holly Chapman. Holly Chapman is a pillar of the community. Been around for a long time. Holly is a solid person. Thank you.

We appreciate you so much. Holly, Holly, Holly. Next up, Big. Holly, Holly, Holly, get your Chapman here. Now, here's the thing. Is it Big, Big Spoon or Big, Big Spoon? I think it's Big, Big Spoon. I'm going Poon.

True local. Thank you. And then Wanda's cousin, Anne Sykes. Anne Sykes. I'm psyched about that. I'm psyched about her being here. Anne Sykes is here. I'm going to read this next name, and then I'm going to ask you guys a question.

Mark Wilson, what is his golf handicap? He's a 7. He hits a high 7. He's an 8, but he says he's a 3. Mark Wilson. I can hit 72. He's a 7 handicap at golf, but he will very quickly tell you about

that time when he shot like one under par at Pebble Beach. He likes to tell everyone that he's recently played Spyglass. Fair enough. Next up, we have a townie by the name of Gabess. Mark Wilson's a true local, by the way. Thanks, buddy. And then we have a city council member,

Kimberly Treadwell. Treadwell. I know. You don't tread lightly, you tread well. You tread well-ly. Deirdre? Mullervie. You going Mullervie or Mullervie? Mullervie. Mullervie. well all right ready welly deirdre muller muller v you going muller v or muller v muller v muller muller v muller v is the muller v report i read did you read the muller v report it was very thorough a little too dry for me very thorough i love it all right the next one we have a townie by the name of mary lenahan mary lenahan will always greet you with a shot at the bar thanks thanks mary shot at the bar and a pat Mary Lenahan. Shot at the bar and a

pat on the back. Alright, this next name, might as well just say from Wisconsin. Susan Helsdingen. Helsdingen. Helsdingen. Right? Helsdingen. I don't know. Helsdingen sounds like the best summer beer you've never had. No, you know what it is? Helsdingen

June. No, wait, I can get it. Helsdingen Jewelers for now and forever okay how's ding your jewelers it's the thing of moments oh that's good oh it's the place for moments hey uh adrian duddle sounds like a substitute teacher to me and i do not my name is adrian duddle i will not hesitate to send you to the principal's office. Nope. You guys promised you were supposed to eat candy every day here in class. Yes, Miss Duddle. Brianna Bailey.

Brianna Bailey. Brianna Bailey. Just got back from the war. Brianna Bailey. Bri Bailey. Come on. Bri Bailey. Bri Bailey is a good time.

How do you know when it's Brianna or Brianna? Bri. I think it's just Brie Bailey. Brenna. No? Brenna. Okay. Brenna.

Next up, we have a true local by the name of Mary. Thank you, Mary. Mary, did you know? Thank you. And then we have Sidney B. Sidney B in the townie and the place to be. Sidney B. Sounds like the friend of the main character in a Disney show.

Yeah. Yeah. Sidney B. Sidney B will help you find Nemo. Jorge. That's it. S. Yanero. Sydney B. will help you find Nemo. Jorge. That's it. S. Yanero.

My name is. My name is. That's a form of currency in some places. My name is Jorge Yanero. No. I'm walking down the street. Yanero.

Yeah. I love you. My name is Jorge S. Yanero. That was pretty good, right? You kill my father, prepare to die. Okay.

We're going to get out on this and what better? Pillar of the community. Franziska. Peterson. Pillar of the community. What does the Z mean? Is that Eastern European if there's a Z in there?

Yeah. Franziska Peterson. I think Franziska has been to many a show. Yes. And hung out before and after. And hung out in the after hang. Oh, that's right. And she's so great.

Yes, the two of them. They hang out with us afterwards. And her husband. I love these guys so much. Her husband who's recovering from, I want to say, a stroke. And so we're familiar with that from what our mom is dealing with. And he always asks. When a shout out turns into a love out.

He always asks a really sweet, really cool question to us. Gives us crap about our sports alignments. And I think he's a Nebraska fan. Is that right to say? Yes. She's a professor. She's a professor. There you have Franziska.

I hope this is her pillar of the community. Thank you. Thank you. That's awesome. That's some shout outs, friends. Let's get back to the show. All right, Dan, take us home on this last story. Here we go.

Ready? Yep. Man returns from shopping trip to find bees in his car. This was sent in by Jake. And we know this one. We've done it. You guys did this story, but it is pretty amazing. So let's talk about this guy.

A man who went shopping in New Mexico returned to his car to find honeybees had apparently got through the open window while he spent time buying groceries. Don't leave your windows open. Who's leaving their windows down at a grocery store? honeybees had apparently got through the open window while he spent time buying groceries. Don't leave your windows open. Who's leaving their windows down at a grocery store? Well, he probably had a toddler in the backseat when the crack. A toddler and a little puppy. So good for him for cracking. Astonishingly, the man who was not named in the New York Times report

detailing his unexpected travel companions did not notice the sudden presence of a giant swarm of buzzing insects in his vehicle as he was driving away. So how do you get in? Where did you put your groceries? How? Okay, I'm going to show you a picture. Nikki, you could see this. This is Kurt Bronner's bit. This is Kurt Bronner's bit. Kurt Bronner's bit about he's like I will not have a political discussion with people. I just won't because and then he goes into this whole story about a woman who had uh eighty thousand bees in her walls and she didn't notice it or didn't care about it's like if people can't realize when there

are eighty thousand bees in their house then you can't talk politics with people it's such a great look at this so good look at this car first all, he has more problems than just the bees. Oh my God. Is that an Oldsmobile 98? Okay, I see what's going on here. This is when they do this thing where the queen will get on it and they all kind of swarm and do these super swarms.

And I can see why he wouldn't have known because I don't think they're so concentrated. They're not like flying everywhere. But also look at the detailing of his car. He's denying a lot of things going on. He's not paying attention to his car at all. I'm just going to wait for a few more birds to shit on this and then I'll watch it.

It's so disgusting. It has been bukkake'd on. All money shot. It's been money shot into hell all the birds all the birds had a turn

look at how many that is like and again this is where you like I love when they do this this is like so

you know you look at this sort of gathering of bees and there's so many bees that are in this well I was gonna ask you guys do you remember the total how many bees

I don't I do remember this is like guessing jelly beans. Jason is going on his honor system. How many bees do you think he had in his car? Now, mind you, he drove away with these bees in the car for a while without noticing.

And he went through the carpool lane, which I thought that was actually smart that he could go through. If I see one bee, I'm like, whatever. I see four bees. I'm like, what is going on around here? How many bees could have been swarming around him as you drove away that he did literally like those

those those jars of jelly beans like trying to do the math on it and I'm trying to get a sense of the mass of this thing because it's not just like that's not flat window. They're all like grouped as a but yeah, it's like a I'm going to say twenty four hundred twenty four hundred Jason. I'm going i'm gonna say three thousand three thousand

his car was filled with fifteen thousand honey oh my god so now so then okay now my thing is like who counted that like are you gonna trust some guy like did some guy be like all right i bet once they put them in a box you kind of have an idea when you take care of them of how many are in there. Maybe there's like a line that's like 15,000 and there's like 20,000. If you fill them,

maybe they weigh it. That would be hilarious if it was exactly 15,000 too. There's no way. They would have get even, yeah. They weigh the box when it's empty

and then they weigh the thing with the bees in it. Oh my God. Giant swarm of insects in the backseat while he's driving away. I love that. I hope they didn't kill the bees.

What do they do with the bees? Then he turned back and looked and he was like holy cow said Jesse Johnson and off duty fire paramedic whose hobby is beekeeping that's what he said of the man's reaction he called 911 because he didn't know what to do Johnson and his fellow firefighters

this is the people who helped help the man remove the bees and put them in an empty hive box wow he said the bees were likely swarming Nikki called it with a queen and looking for a new home, which makes them more docile and easier to handle as they are not defending their turf. Wow, the whole incident passed largely without injury, but not entirely one guy got stung on the lip and he won't shut up about it. I'm going to

I got stung on the lip and we made fun of him the next morning shut jesse johnson told my god the times that is wait wait so so the the cop was a beekeeper also yeah the fireman fireman here's what's crazy also the time from him going into shop to come back out and 15 000 bees do you want to guess yeah let's guess the time how much time was he in the shop 11 minutes 27 minutes he was in there for 10 minutes oh my god 10 minutes going zero to bees zero to

15,000 bees although he's so dumb they might have been in there the whole way to the grocery store this could happen in his house when those bees start swarming we've been here three days man oh my god this guy it's like again this is i love the tiktok videos where people are just like putting their hand in those swarms and just like transferring bees very gently and not getting stung it's so calming those swarms of bees there's something like so gross because they're all swarming but there's something just like there it's there's something beautiful about

it even on that disgusting car. It's like also the beard of bees reminds me of the Peter Gabriel sledgehammer. It was that weird animation where it's just kind of moving. It's like Dr. Katz. It's like squiggle vision and they're like kind of move around. But also

beekeeping like you keep the bees like you keep them. Keep care of them. You don't keep them. Just keep care of them. Yeah, it's... But it feels like they should come up with a bet. Like they should be like bee carers. They should be like bee sitters. Bee sitters.

Bee... Bee sitters. A bee tender is a bartender at Applebee's. That's right. That is a bee tender. I love it. Perfect. That's our story, friends.

Oh my God. What a great episode. It always is a great episode with our friend Nikki Glaser. Everybody go check out her daily podcast, Nikki Glaser podcast. Love you girl. Thank you so much. And I look forward to hanging out when we can all just goof on each other and

be in the same room. So, so soon. Let's do it. It's nigh. I love it. Thanks guys. Oh shit.

We got to get back to work.