Dumb People Town - Nikki Glaser - Soft Rock Bottom

Episode Date: December 12, 2017

This week, comedian and actor Nikki Glaser (Not Safe with Nikki Glaser) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk on Dumb people Town! In Story #1, we visit a movie theater where a couple is caught in a compromising position. Story #2 lets us know that when you're here, you're family. Story #3 brings a rousing Rascal Safeway theft. To wrap up the show, "Making A Murderer" "star" Ken Kratz joins the show to talk mandatory hugs.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk. That's when the music gets the funny hits and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you? Population Nikki Glaser!

Glazy! Glazy is in the house You know I'm excited To see you Because we're going To St. Louis I don't know when this Or is this going to drop

After No this is right before We go This is right before And we are all Three of us are going And performing at Helium Dan is going to feature

For us and we're going To headline there Not performing at the Funny Bone No Which is so weird Because they won't Let us perform there

Whatever Whatever We're going to Helium Trying to make things Make Helium great again performing at the Funny Bone. No. Which is so weird because they won't let us perform there. Whatever. Whatever. We're going to Helium trying to make things make Helium great again. Yeah. And make St. Louis great again for comedy.

It is. Make the Galleria Mall great again. Amen. It's going to be fun. If you want to take a break from getting stabbed upstairs come downstairs

and come see us. By Dillard's. I'm going to get in a fight at Ballpark Village. Yeah. That's right. It's not even operating right now.

It will be that day. Pick up a Weber Grill, do it. That's right. It's not even operating right now. No, it will be that day. Pick up a Weber Grill upstairs and then come downstairs. No, it's Weber Grill University right upstairs. No, it's Weber. It's a restaurant based on Weber Grill. It's Weber Grill University. You can learn everything from charcoal economics. Either way, just come see us.

It's super, super fun. We have a show Wednesday, one Thursday, two Friday, two Saturday. It will be, we're excited. We're finding the funny there which is this other project that we're doing I know we talked about on the show

but whenever we go into a town we always the first five to ten minutes of the set we try and write comedy about the town

that we're in a lot of comics do that that's such a good challenge but we just have to go out and experience as much as we can

now we've gone to we're doing ten cities each city is a chapter in this large audio book that's going to be on audible.com and then we'll take five five to seven minutes of comedy from each place and create a comedy album so like and the tracks are glars and strides right yeah it's like tulsa and kansas so we did tulsa kansas city st louis san francisco houston san francisco portland like san diego and each city is difficult for various reasons in that like portland portland Tulsa, Kansas City, St. Louis, Houston, San Francisco, Portland.

San Diego. And each city is difficult for various reasons. Denver. And that, like, Portland, Portlandia has already done it. So where do we find new stuff? St. Louis is a town we grew up in, so we know it really well. How do we find what's funny about it now? And the answer is to go straight to Ferguson.

Kidding. But we're going to do that, And it's going to be really fun. But we always get excited because we talk St. Louis with you. What high school did you go to? Kirkwood. What high school did you go to is a pickup line in St. Louis. I think it's because that most people don't go to. I don't understand why no one else, no other cities do that.

I'll tell you why. I wouldn't know. A lot of people say because a lot of people In St. Louis Stay in St. Louis That's why it is The pick up line Got it I think it's because A lot of people in St. Louis

Don't go to school After high school I'm kidding We don't know where I'm from Because there's only One high school In Rochelle, Illinois They say what high school

You go to Because you can make A snap judgment About someone quickly Oh you went to Leduc You can get me cocaine And you're probably a Jew You went to Chaminade Gay Anyway where did you guys go we can work on your carburetor

if you need it i own a two-toned palmetto acid wash jean jacket you understand you work at pattonville take my order at taco bell and shut the fuck up there's a good flow chart that i just saw on reddit of like asking yes or no questions and it'll trace where exactly you went to high school. But I'm always boggled why other cities don't ask that. But I guess it's... It's just, I don't know. It's a very provincial part of... It is, it is.

So you went to Kirkwood. You are much younger than us. You're like 29 years younger than us, which is insane. It's unbelievable. I can't believe you said that. But I feel like if we knew... Unbelievable. If we came up at the same time, we would have been best friends. We would have been.

Absolutely. If we went to high school together, we would have been like, all right. Or even if we went to high school at the same time as you, we would have found you in St. Louis and been friends. I don't know about that. That's, I think that's the thing is that you don't like talk to other high school. But we did. We somehow stepped out.

We were weird. We stepped out of high school. Because we knew a bunch of kids. We just knew people. We were weird. Or like sports. Really? How? Because we knew a bunch of kids. We just knew people. Neighborhood? Yeah. Sports? Neighborhood, sports, Jewish shit.

We would be all around and we'd suddenly be like, or we'd go to these leadership things and all of a sudden there were a bunch of kids from Parkway West who we knew. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And so we'd show up at a West party and they'd be like, you know, hey, what's up? What are these Jews doing here? I didn't know anyone from outside of Kirkwood. Well, first of all, to come from St. Louis, come out to L.A., create the success that you've had, TV show, stand up, all of it. Your stand up special of the of the stand ups on.

Is that Netflix? Yeah. It's so confusing to be like, I have a stand up special. It is episode four of the part yeah by the way in great company and they're in great company with you but

it's like my favorite Dan Soder Nate Bargetti you I mean it was best-selling best-selling cold a such a great yeah yeah it was that's what why I signed on

for it because you're like oh I'm doing a half hour and then you hear the other names and you go okay well they're doing it then I'll do it and and it the all of you guys made that whole series amazing which is just super cool well i'm so happy that you're on this show because

no there's nothing we love to do more than riff with you and this show this show explores the idea that the world is getting dumber every moment that we stand here and that we sit here and we say this we've said this on stage. There is probably someone in Florida right now in Tallahassee, naked with a machete, taking a shit in a pool that isn't his. An above ground pool. So hope does not float. So we,

and, and so what is, what do we have to combat that? We have our comedy. And so our dumb ears on the ground and we have the best fans. They are the best. The Facebook page is incredible for this show people send us stories and send damn these stories of that have happened in the world and then the four we have not heard these stories you have not heard these stories so we the four of us get to break them down and try and understand

the stupid behavior that is the stupid tsunami that is overcoming our country as we speak and the world for that matter i think you guys should stick with that show you were doing before this. Which is? St. Louis podcast about high schools called Arch Rivals. St. Louis high school podcast. What's up with CBC, man? Alright.

Dan, I'll show you Vianney. I'll just enjoy this. Dan's like, Vianney? What's up with that? And then I'll start one called We Don't Like Dixon, a Rochelle, Illinois High School podcast. It's just one episode. Followed by, What's Up John Burroughs Ass? All right, come on, Dan. Give us a story.

This was sent in by Christina Jenkins at, hey, it's Christina. I love that. C-H-R-I-S-T-N-A-N-K. I would have had her handle be the jank. And had it be like the jinx. Yeah, the jank. The jinx. The jinx. Bexarxar county deputies where is that this comes from my san antonio.com okay texas texas texas so maybe it's

beck is it different rules in texas it's joy behar they named a town after her but it's uh county deputy different view of it Arrested a man and a woman Who were allegedly caught Having sex There we go At the Santa Cruz Casablanca Theater On the far west side Now you did a show called Not Safe

The west side of the theater I know, right? You know where I like to sit When we're fucking in a theater I have my seat, I like to be on the end You know, I like to sit when we're fucking in a theater? I have my seat. I like to be on the end. You know, babe, I can't fuck in the north.

I like sitting where I can put my legs up on the rails while you ride it. I love that we're making him decide. Maybe she's the driving force. Yeah, maybe she's the... She's like, I can't do it in the north.

I can't come in the front row. I need to be in the west side of the theater. Do you think that when they... Do you think they went to the theater knowing that it was okay now i ask you okay you did a show that dealt with all of this stuff yeah i think about this stuff a lot right so what do you think i'm anxious to hear your thoughts um i think it was probably an like it got to the mood got it got to them depending

on what they were seeing and what the like sometimes you go to the i-pick you ever been to the i-pick oh yeah too loungy for me i go let's i could see something going on down here like that could happen as an adult coming by you could sneak it that's the sneakiness of it could be tater tots and i want someone on my tots i have have you guys ever fooled around in a movie theater? No. I've hooked up in a movie. You kiss a person in a movie. No, I'm talking as an adult,

I want someone. You had sex in a movie theater? I mean, it falls under the category of sex, but we didn't have intercourse. Right. Was you ought to know about you? Does she go down on you in a theater? That's how we all know how to air.

It's a theater. Theater. See, I always thought that was a musical, like a Broadway show, because it's a theater. It wasn't. They did it when they, she went down on him during Cats.

It wasn't planned. Starlight Express, assholes. Miss Saigon. Wait, Miss Saigon down on you? What movie did you hook up in? I really don't remember remember Schindler's List That's That's really inappropriate

I think it was in the dome At the Arclight Yes Someone got dome Someone got dome Someone got dome In the dome At Sklar Brothers

SK LAR So you think This was Okay we're in love We like each other I think he's hot She thinks I'm hot

I don't think it was pre-med Depending on their ages Did we get their ages We're gonna other i think he's hot she thinks i'm hot depending on their ages did we get their ages we're gonna get them before their ages are like living at home with their parents ages then it's premeditated but if it's that's a great point because you need to find somewhere to do it there's limited like what when i go home for christmas something my ex-boyfriend who we would always be we would always hook up when we go home because he's from St. Louis too and we don't have anywhere

to go to hook up because we're broken up and we're like secretly hooking up and so we have nowhere to go so we have to like find places Not so secretly anymore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry.

Is it still happening? Is it still happening? Yeah, we're broken up now but I'll see him at Christmas and it'll be fun. You will see him at Christmas and it will go down? Yes, yes, yes.

It will go down. Holy cow. It's so fun. It becomes like illicit. There's a lot of good movies out. Yes, yes, it will go down. Holy cow. It's so fun. It becomes like illicit. A lot of good movies out. There's a lot of good movies out. Right behind Noggles. Yeah. Do you want to see parts of Lady Bird with me?

I already saw the whole thing, so yeah, I would go again. And hook up. Did you say I'll show him some of my Lady Bird? During all the long driving sequences. Like, we get it. Quote, unquote, long driving sequences. Like, we get it. Quote, unquote, long driving sequences. How do you feel about Army Hammer right now? Again, Army Hammer.

Okay, here we go. All right. Hammer. At Sklar Brothers. Stop it. The amorous suspects. Ready for these names? Melissa Feist McCussion.

Hyphenated m yes feist and then hyphen mcc uis t-i-o-n mccution mccution yeah and adam adam emmett lee both face charges of public lewdness okay now i'm gonna show you these people's pictures. Is Adam Emmett Lee a Civil War reenactor? It seems like that's why he's only, he like wears the top of the North but the pants of the South. I'm going to show you their pictures. At the end, we will guess their ages. And likes to sit in the West. Yes, of course.

At the end, we're going to guess their agey. Okay. I'm going to tell you, one of them is going to be very easy to probably guess. The other is going to be difficult. Of their ages. I'm going to tell you one of them is going to be very easy to probably guess. The other is going to be difficult. Of their ages.

You're going to show the pictures and we have to guess the age from the pictures that's going to be hard. Very hard. See, now this is the thing because you don't know

how hard people have lived. In Dumb People Town, 19 can look 48. Yeah. So you look at someone and you're like, oh my God, that person is 50.

A lot of the dumb is from maybe a hard life of drugs and alcohol. Maybe. san antonio it's dry that sun beating down on you it's not good for your skin right nobody is moisturizing that near the alamo okay this is melissa and all this will be up on the facebook page don't people tell on facebook page join the facebook page the facebook page is so fun people share stories characters who Characters who we talk about, like, in these stories. Come to life in... No, they join the Facebook page.

Join the Facebook page and start answering things. It's amazing. Oh, my God. Or people, they live in the town where these happen. They're like, I'm going to that movie theater tonight. I'm going and I'm taking a picture. Yes. I'm taking a picture of the sex seats.

Okay. Oh, my God. Someone in San Antonio will. Here's Melissa Feist McCushton. McCushton. Okay, ready? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's see her. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can't tell. I canushton. Okay, ready? Yeah. Let's see her. Oh, no. Okay. Okay. Okay. I can't tell. I can't tell. I know, right?

That could be. There's a big range in there. She could be in high school or have a daughter in high school. That is so bizarre that it could be that inconclusive. Am I right? I said she could be in high school or have her daughter in high school. I mean, that is 100% correct. So let me ask you this, though.

As a father of daughters and have seen people spend a lot of time on their hair, what she has working in the back, what looks like a bun or it could be a ponytail, whatever it is right there, it seems like it took a lot of time to put that together. It's a bun. It's a big bun. It looks like she's got a little gray going at the top. Is that like a patch of... I think that's the photo quality.

That might be the photo quality. See, this is why a picture you cannot tell. A picture is not worth a thousand. Are you ready for the guy? Let's like a patch of... I think that's the photo quality. That might be the photo quality. See, this is why a picture you cannot tell. A picture is not worth a thousand. Are you ready for the guy? Yes, yes, yes. Let's see the guy. Because the guy might be the key.

I've never been more ready. The guy might be the key to understanding how... I'm going to tell you before you see him. He looks like a brought-to-life Pixar villain.

Ready? Okay. Yeah. Oh, my God. Doesn't he look like he's trying to steal Woody? His eyes are way too close. He looks like he's mad about the fact that he wrote the song Life is a Highway and someone else, Rascal Flatts. He looks like the character from like an English BBC stop motion, like a Nick Park.

I cannot believe this couple. That's the couple. He is mad. The furrow in his brow. I want to know how they met. Adam Emmett Lee. Adam Emmett Lee. Yeah, he played football in high school. Yeah, he won't shut up about it.

They were booked into the Bexar County Jail on $1,600 bonds last week and both bonded out shortly thereafter. According to an offense report from the Bexar County Jail on $1,600 bonds last week and both bonded out shortly thereafter. According to an offense report from the Bexar County Sheriff's Office, an assistant manager at the theater was, quote, shocked to see what Lee and Feist McCushtion were allegedly doing in

theater number 13 around midnight on a Thursday. Okay, midnight on a Thursday. I'm going to forgive this. This is at 9 a.m. on a Tuesday. I mean, if they're doing this during Coco at 2 p.m., you know, that's an issue. Also, at that time, if it's a midnight showing, the only thing that released that day, because they don't give the movie, is Justice League. That was the biggest release.

Okay, you're absolutely right. That's what they were saying. Well, you don't know how much Emmett released. So... Did he get to? When did they get to? Here we go. His started out in one theater. Yeah, it's going down in

Auditorium 13. The assistant manager went to tell the manager what was going on. So a 12-year-old told a 14-year-old. The 12-year-old is the manager what was going on. So a 12-year-old told a 14-year-old. The 12-year-old is the manager. Oh, yeah, sorry. The 14-year-old came and told the 12-year-old. When the two returned to the theater,

Melissa and Lee were, the couple, they were, quote, having sex really fast. Yeah. Trying to get it all done. I guess. They knew they were caught

finish up yes finish up yes just finish okay at at that point uh sorry i lost my spot sometimes you would a movie you wish it would do that like let's just speed that we know where this is going it's complicated i know i'm gonna see diane keaton in a white pantsuit just get to it just get to it she was not even in It's Complicated. She wasn't even in It's Complicated? That's what was so complicated. No, It's Complicated was Meryl Streep. And Charlize Theron.

According to an offense from the Bexar County Sheriff's, the assistant manager was shocked to see them. They were going really fast when the manager and assistant manager came back into the theater. I don't know why the assistant manager just would have been like, stop. Why do they need to say they're going fast? I don't know. They want it just would have been like, Why do they need to say they're going fast? Do they just, they want it to be like this slow lovemaking?

It sounds like somebody who has not had sex yet is seeing sex. They're just going really fast. It's just so, everything's fast. And this all adds up to the 12-year-old

and the 14-year-old manager and assistant manager. At that point, the manager confronted Melissa and Adam and told Melissa to get off of him. Slow it down!

Let me build up here. Quote, this is a public place, he told her. You need to stop what you're doing and get off of him. Which means,

guys, they're still going while they're being scolded. Right, that was a long sentence to have to like still stay on top of someone.

Yes. The offense report says Melissa and Lee were both taken by surprise and that they, quote, stood there for a long time before putting their clothes back on, which makes me hope that the dude was like, what do you want from me? I'm trying. I paid good money for this seat. I'm using it how I would like to. Putting their clothes back on.

You don't need your clothes off. Yes, I totally agree. As far as this guy, he should just unzip. I can't do this. I mean, that's not my thing. What do you want to do? I just want to, I imagine. If you're going to play a song, do it the shitty way Jason does and hold it up to the mic.

Is this it? What is this? It's going to be funnier if you messed it up. I think I messed it up. Oh, my God. Hold on. What high school did you go to? Pattonville?

No. What is it? I've got to find the song. Okay. We'll come back to you. Thanks for grinding it to a halt for the wrong thing. Oh. Randy took the wheel.

You know who else grinded it to a halt? Well done, Jason Sklar. Well done. Hi, Brad. They were both taken by surprise. Took a long time before putting their clothes back on. I hope that because they were like, you got yelled at, this is cool,

we just sit back down. I was like, no, you have to get dressed. Him putting his clothes back on when he's having sex in the theater should be like, insert penis, zip it back up. Yeah, this shouldn't be putting anything back on. She should pull up her stirrup pants. Yeah, if her shirt is off, it's ridiculous.

The manager, babe, you know I only like it if you're totally naked. Can I leave my bra on? No. Everybody's worried about Superman's mustache. Not in front of Gal Gadot. I can't even have you compare her to me. I know. Babe, come on.

You don't take your shirt off. I feel like I'm having sex with Katherine Heigl in a Seth Rogen movie. 27 dresses. That's not what it was. Something with Charlize Theron. The manager reported the incident to the Bexar County deputies. When the deputies arrived, the deputies asked the manager and assistant manager if they had seen the couple's genitals at all.

So I guess that's the big sticking point. Good question. Did you actually see any genitals? This is where a sketch artist needs to come in. That is interesting that you could be dry humping and nothing's wrong. Nobody saw anything. No genitals. What if they couldn't hire a sketch artist, but they can only just sketch? What if they're going really fast to this?

I mean, jackrabbit. Just completely going so fast to this. Silk is legit. This is what took you so... And they're just going... Like a little fire starts to come out of their genitals. Easy, easy. Look what's going on in Southern California right now.

I want to get freaky with you. All right, so... I hope that they get seven new downloads of that song because of this show here's what I want I want them not to be able to hire a sketch artist

I want them to hire a caricaturist from a bar mitzvah and I want her vagina playing like baseball like all on like a like a bike

that we're a tricycle yeah the front wheel's really big and the back wheel's I want people to go to that YouTube link and write, Dumb People Town sent me here, so that other people are like,

What are you talking about? This is a public place. You need to stop what you're doing and get off of him. Then they don't put their clothes back on. The cops come up. They say, Did you see the genitals at all? No, said the manager, according to the report.

But we could see that their clothing was off, and they were trying really hard to cover themselves with a small blanket they had brought with them. Oh, premeditation. Yeah. Although they are quite here. This only works if the guy is black. Why? This only works if the guy is black and the assistant manager had a sense of humor in the moment and could improv really well if the police came and say did you see any generals and he said no i do think i saw a couple

oh come on that's not the setup is long too long literally it's 85 but there's no better movie treat than a Raisinette. It's a very specific, movie-oriented candy. Yes. Great reference. In what other context do you see them? I never liked the Raisinette because it was like sweet within other sweets. Listen.

If his balls had dandruff, you might have said Snowcast. There you go. If his name was Reese, you could say, did you see any of Reese's Pieces? Oh my God. Can we all do horrible jokes that have long setups? I just needed to set the table really well before I delivered the Thanksgiving dinner. That was the raisin' egg.

So they brought their sex blanket. Deputies detained the couple and questioned them at the patrol car outside the theater where Adam Lee allegedly admitted to having sex with Melissa in the theater. Oh, he had to brag about it in the end. He just wouldn't just let it go. Yeah, I fucked her.

You know, Adam Lee, you got a little action. Time is right. You understand you're getting arrested for this. You understand you're being impressed. Actually, we're not, sir. Actually, we're not. Actually, this is actually... We're not sure if she's 20 or 47. He said to the cop, yeah, man, this is a quote, yeah're not, sir. Actually, we're not. We're not sure if she's 20 or 47. He said to the cop,

yeah, man, this is a quote, yeah, man, I should have known better. Was stupid on my part. We were just having a little fun, he told the deputy. And then she's standing right next to him and is like, way to minimize it, honey. A little fun.

Most meaningful sexual experience of my life. A little fun. Let's assume that they're both 56. Okay. I. He looks 40. Right. But for me, there's a part of me that's like.

If they're both 56. If they're still that into it to each other. I'm all for it. Me too. I'm all for it. Like maybe they were sitting there and he had his hand on her leg and she's like, babe, I'm just telling you right now, you need to move your hand. Otherwise I'm getting horny.

And he was like, how horny are you getting? And then they kind of, I was like, kudos to this flame. They brought a time. They were there to do it. Okay, I'm going to pull something from Nikki Glaser's stand up. This could be their sex swing. This could be the thing that reignites the spark. Thank you very much.

And the assistant manager was the only one who saw it, which means they didn't disturb anyone else around them nobody else was upset about this yeah I feel like this is actually I'm happy for them they should not be arrested I am too

some of the steps were a little dumb so they get to be here in town he should not have admitted there was penetration shouldn't have said

anything alright it's so funny that he couldn't help himself isn't that like totally the dude's way that like he had to

brag in front of other guys because if he says I couldn't penetrate then you know the cops are going to be like, what's the problem, bro? Yeah. And they know that, too. That's how they get guys to admit they're communicating. Yes.

All right. We're going to play two rounds. Okay. For one for each, we're going to play guess the agey. So first up, how old is Helena Bonham Carter's evil sister? Yeah! Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age. Now you are a guest, so you can go. 31. You just went first. Okay, there you go, 31. Jay, what do you think? Who's the girl who's saying, I'm like a bird?

I want to fly away. Nelly Furtado. Nelly Furtado. That looks like. It does. It looks to fly away. Nelly Furtado. Nelly Furtado. That looks like- It does. It looks like a messed out Nelly Furtado. What? Like a-

Nelly Furtada? Nelly Furtada. Yeah. But like an overcooked Furtada. Yes. An over, he left that Furtada in the oven a little. She's 27. What'd you say?

31. 31. I say she's 27. I think she's 36. I think these guys are like grabbing the last bit of- She looks old. 27. 36 from Randy?

Yep. 31 for Nikki and 27 for Jason. Melissa. Feist. Look on the Facebook website, on our Facebook page right now, Bob. Is. I think maybe younger. In this round of Guess the Agey, she is 39 years old.

Oh! I was going to change mine to 22. That is how crazy this is. You don't know what she is. 39. So she looks 20. Is that your sister? No, that's my daughter.

39 years old. I said 36. She looks great. She looks great. There felt like a little bit of an old glory grab. It's got youthful sex. She has youthful sex in her. All right, let's do the guy.

Adam Emmett Lee. And again, this doesn't have to be around the same age or anything because now that you know that she's 30, there's no rules.

Yeah, the rules are off. How old is Adam Emmett Lee? Nikki Glaser, you can go first. Can I see the picture again? Yeah, you can go first or last. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.

Or you can go two. I get what you're saying. Or you can go two. I'll go last this time. Okay, fine. Okay. Randy or Jay? Jay, 44. Or you can go to. I get what you're saying. Or you can go to. I'll go last this time. Okay, fine. Okay. Randy or Jay? Jay, 44.

44 years old. Yep. Okay. You think they met in high school, maybe? I think he's, this was my theory. He's her friend's older brother. Nope. I think he's, I think he's younger.

I think she's driving this bus. And I think he had some misgivings about it which is why he's like i didn't want to do this in the first place so if she's gonna get me in trouble here i'm gonna brag about it i think he's 34 35 years younger than him than her all right i'm gonna say i was gonna say i'm gonna stick with it uh 33 and he looks like a it's a bad 33. But I agree. She's on top was like a clue. She's on top is a clue. Yeah, I think she's riding it. Which guy's the model?

And he's the one that's dumb and doesn't know not to keep his mouth shut. Who's the woman who writes all those older movies that are like porn? Nancy Meyers. Nancy Meyers writes that are porn for 65-year-old women. That is. It's complicated. But She's on Top could be the name of her next movie. Oh, my God.

She's on Top. She's on Top. Nancy Meyers. It's a mom- of her next movie. Oh my God. She's On Top. She's On Top. Nancy Meyers. It's a mom-com. Here you go. Mom-com. Girl On Top. Adam Emmett Lee.

Okay. AEL. If you're nasty. Yeah. Is 40 years old. Oh, yes. We all got it right. Age appropriate.

They met in high school and they've been banging and moving that's the first place they had sex it's the most recent place they had sex are they still together like what's going on

with them they have different last names they married they each married someone else maybe they're rekindling this could be

I gotta get out of the house maybe it's a deal both divorced both have kids Facebook reconnected them from high school there we go I think you're

dead on on this. All right, there's the first story in the books. Nikki Glaser is with us. I'm so happy she's with us. Yes, oh my God. And we are off and running in Dumb People Town. Can't wait for the next story. Stay with us through the break.

Stick around. Nikki's down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have nikki glazer follow her on twitter great follow on twitter yes thank you and your show is so much fun thank you you sitting at the table with the vibrator yes it i mean people can see when i was sitting on the vibrator at the table yeah yeah yeah like so i can't believe I did any of that. But I'd do it again.

But yeah, thank you. The great thing was, you were doing straight comedy. You know what I mean? Nothing was like, well, you made it so funny. Thank you. Thank you.

That was what was great. Comedy comes first. And you were great. I do. Yeah, folks. You were amazing in our poop documentary. Oh my god, I can't wait to see it. So it's coming out in theaters by the way, in 10 cities.

We're pushing it out in theaters in 10 cities. Yes, St. Louis. We didn't want to do this movie, it just had to come out. It just had to come out of us. So it is I don't know the 10 cities, I know it's going to be New York, I know it's going to be in LA. If we have a premiere in LA, you're coming to it Oh my god February 16th

It'll be out And then it'll be out Also on demand And I think on streaming Things as well I can't wait I had so much fun It's so funny

Yes And you were so great And you're great In the trailer too So I just want to Let everybody know That she's incredible In this movie

So just Look we will always Figure out ways To include you In stuff that we're doing this is i love that we became friends and now you're here and this is great and i added to my imdbm all right damn we got another story we do i want to say really really quickly before we do uh this drops six days before monday the 18th a very important and special and fun show that i'm a

part of la felice Navipod holiday variety show at Meltdown Comics. It's 8.30 on Monday the 18th. Every single dime is going to Planned Parenthood. It is Colin Hanks, myself, Rory Scovel,

Nick Thune, April Richardson, Chris Sullivan, and the lead singer from Dawes, Taylor Goldsmith. Amazing. Wow.

Are going to do a music along with Chris Sullivan's This Is Us co-star, Mandy Moore, is going to be there doing music. What? It is just going to be a night of... Chris Sullivan's This Is Us co-star Mandy Moore is going to be there doing a music it is just going to be a night of

is that Mandy Moore from Tangled it's just going to be a night of nothing but fun I was doing my version of every 7th grade girl from St. Louis what

what what it's just going to be a night of nothing but fun like I said every single dime we raise is going to go to Planned Parenthood

Dave Klock is designing the poster we're going to sign those and auction some of them off on ebay so please come out to that and uh have some fun this holiday with us we'll see the people in st louis this weekend and then if you're in la you come to that on monday are you traveling around touring around are you keeping on the download to the end of the year new year's eve hello burlington iowa and the catfish ben casino yeah baby Yeah, baby. One night only. There you go.

That's what's on my calendar right now. That is fun. So you're going to go to St. Louis and then just drive up there? Yeah, oh, and I'm also going to do a charity show at St. Louis at the Funny Bone for all proceeds go to Animal Rescue

that I think is happening on Thursday, whatever that day is. The 21st. The 21st. 21st, okay. Yes, I believe. But just check my Twitter and find out if you're in St. Louis. Nice. I love it. The 21st. Okay. Yes. Right on. I believe, but just check my Twitter and find out if you're in St. Louis.

Nice. I love it. Are you ready for one? Let's do it. It was sent in by Matt L, at Matt L80, M-A-T-T, the letter L,

eight, zero. All right, here we go. An Arkansas couple, now you think I'm going to say something dumb and criminal and bad. Nobody did anything wrong.

Okay. But it is, there's a lot of questionable behavior. A lot of unwrapping. An Arkansas couple who once ate at Olive Garden daily for nearly seven weeks. There's your problem right there. Plans to name their first child due in December. Bottomless Brats, right?

Six. Olivia Garten. What? Yes. Her name of this baby is going to be Olivia Garten. What? Yes. Her name of this baby is going to be Olivia Garten. See, I'm going to come out and say the fact that they're on the same page is kind of beautiful. Yeah, I think it's sweet. You know what I mean?

What are you doing to this kid? I can see someone saying, I'm doing this. I am so jealous that they go to Olive Garden every day. That is like heaven in Arkansas. You want to go to it. The tradition in my family is the day after Thanksgiving, whether you went Black Friday shopping with Diane and Connie or not, everyone meets at Olive Garden for lunch.

I went there this year. How was it? I would like to... I haven't told you guys this. Is this going to be like a Jason Domino story? How many family members... How many people... I love Domino's people.

Stop. How many people from my family... You're making me question when a child becomes a child. Stop it! Domino's has very questionable ideals about abortion. Wow, it shakes your entire... How many people from my family, at one point, do you think were in Olive Garden the day after Thanksgiving? I think there were at least 15 people.

15? Anybody else want to take a guess? 23. 23? I mean, if i was being like making an educated guess it'd be like 11 but the way you're talking i'm thinking it's like 27 at one point in olive garden stop the day after thanksgiving my family had 29 people oh my god you literally are family at all of it you have to give them

a heads up like 11 of them left and then the rest of us were whatever that is 18 and they put us in like a back room area which I was so thankful for

it was like an L shape with like 5 tables for kids running over then they started seating other where Beyonce sits at the Olive Garden other people

they started seating other people in our area and I was like do not do this to these poor people they are out at the Olive Garden for just endless it's their fault for being at the Olive Garden do you just joke about it They started seeding other people in our area, and I was like, do not do this to these poor people. They're out at the Olive Garden for just endless salad. Do you just joke about it, or is it like this is actually nice? Or is it like a funny tradition?

It runs the gamut. Right. There are some people that are very much into it. We're all here together, and Rosemary can feel into the way she wants about anything. She's earned it. And then, yeah, there's some of us that are like, I can't believe we're really all going to all of like one we're just gonna why can't we just order endless soup and salad is fantastic that's what i want delicious yeah just it's all you basic and it's cheap and it's i paid for it i paid for the whole thing and people are like that's so nice and i i

what i was saying is i'm not paying to be nice I'm paying so it will end yeah so we don't have to split up checks I'm taking 35 minutes out of this by just being like here here you go

and it was what 29 50 yeah well no that included tip yeah and your grandma

just said to you just Venmo me the money I'll Ven you Olivia Garten I'm just proud of them for not naming their child just straight up

Olive Garten which is like they're taking an artistic spin on it they also were like let's take a woman's name Olive and make it a woman's name

Olivia yes yeah that's a good point they could have really just done Olive Dan you said in a chain we have a little app

of comedians oh yeah so much fun comedians texting each other called banter if you haven't downloaded it downloaded it's super fun but dan you said that if ever there was a strip club put into an olive garden it would be called olive's garden which i love i love that uh justin and jordan garten so that's their last name so they're already built into the pun. Okay. There we go. Is that why they go to Olive Garden? Because they're so close to?

Maybe. Our Arkansas natives who grew up going to Olive Garden. So when you say Arkansas natives, you mean brother and sister. No. Look at these two. They're cute. I love them. Yep.

Breadsticks and love. They're cute. That's my album. He's a ginger. He's a ginger. And she just looks interesting. He's a ginger. He's a ginger and she just looks interesting. I love these people. According to

Jordan Garden. Is that a wedding photo or is that just them hanging out? In a gazebo. He's seeking a gazebo. 100% engagement photo. The ring is so prominent. By the way, can he not grow the mustache or is he purposely going Amish on this?

I can't. Purposely. Purposely Amish. Strap it up. I love these guys. I love them. This is from Jordan. She said,

I am only the third generation on my dad's side to be born in America. Okay. I actually am starting to have a problem with these people. Yeah. Okay. Their last name is G America. Okay. I actually am starting to have a problem with these people. Yeah. Okay. Their last name is Garten. Okay.

His. His. How difficult would it be to just call her Olive Garten? Well, we're going to get to it. Yeah, but they're doing something nice by not doing that. Maybe, but it hurts.

But they're showing me that they don't have a level of commitment. No, and this isn't a story then. If they don't have a level of commitment to the name, then they don't have a level of commitment to each other.

This shouldn't be a story unless the child's name was going to be Olive Garden. Keep in mind, when I read this next quote from her, what she just told you is her grandparents are Italian. Okay. Straight Italian. She shouldn't even be in an Olive Garden. She wrote, quote, I just love Italian food and growing up in Arkansas, that's pretty much one of the only Italian places we ever got to go.

That might be true. That is a false fake news. To call it an Italian place is an affront to every Italian person. In 2015, shortly after they got married, the Gartons purchased, quote, a never-ending pasta pass from Olive Garden. They're committed to this. For those who don't remember. Do you remember the never-ending pasta pass? Yes, I do.

A hundred bucks allows customers to have unlimited pasta and Coca-Cola soft drinks. For a month. For a month. For a month. Quote. It's Nikki's face right now. That is so disgusting. Nikki's face.

A hundred dollars. Well, listen to what Justin has to say. We committed to eating there every day for six or seven weeks to get our money's worth. By the way, that's $3 a day. Yeah. 30 days in a month. 31. It's a good deal. It's a good deal.

It's a great deal. It's just not healthy. Right. Really? We did that six or seven weeks to get our money. Does that include Diet Coke? You guys. You guys.

And a gluten-free rice pasta. Or the dude version. You got Coke Zero because I don't like Diet Coke. It's the same thing in a black can, dude. Some people are now yelling at me on the internet. We've committed to eating there every six days, seven weeks, whatever, how long, to get our money's worth, Justin said, who calls him, that's a rude way to say this, said Justin Garten, 28, an actor who works in a furniture store to make ends meet.

What are you doing acting in Arkansas? I know. It's dinner theater. I'll tell you what he's doing right now he's singing sit down you're rocking the boat then he goes it saved us several hundred dollars

when we really needed it which then you're like okay okay I like these people when Jordan Garten became pregnant with the couple's first child they immediately looked to give their daughter

a name with Italian origins no no I'm going to show you the onesie they had made. Olivia Gartenton. That's cute. That's like a really nice job.

Nikki wavering back and forth from being on these people's side to being offended by it. They're dumb and harmless. The fact that I've only had one kid gives me hope. I hope that they don't have any more. Quote, we were able to make the joke but a little more subtle and it's still a pretty name said jordan garten the mother to be it was definitely an easy decision the garden

said their friends and family are happy with the name and they get the joke because they know of the couple's loves for love of olive garden quote when they say it out loud it's like an instant connection yeah but i don't know that you needed it. No. Quote, it's like, oh, of course. A tweet from Justin showing a onesie with Olivia's name on it that was a gift from friends. If they have a boy, they're going to call him Chef Boyardee. He tweeted out the picture of that onesie

and it caught the eye of Olive Garden officials. Of course it did. This is why. This is why they did it. It's a story. Justin tweeted, we spent the first part of our lives eye of Olive Garden officials. Of course it did. This is why. This is why they did it. Justin tweeted, we spent the first part of our lives loving Olive Garden. Now we get to spend the rest of our lives loving Olivia.

Dying from it. That's actually pretty cute. It's cute. I'm just happy that he got a little bit of fame that he's always craved as an actor in Arkansas. He's soliciting this article on his IMDb. He's getting it now.

It really is. He's done it. Yes. When they do their production next fall of Our Town, he may have a shot to be the narrator. That's right. Olivia Gartner. In place of... I can't remember the character's name.

When he's going to be able to afford Invisalign. When he sexually harasses... When he sexually harasses someone in the production of Lake Wobegon. Yes. A company spokesman told ABC that they have sent a little surprise to the Gartons already and plan to send food and gifts when Olivia arrives. Quote, we couldn't have been more thrilled upon hearing about the Gartons' growing family, said the Olive Garden spokeswoman.

We always love hearing unique ways our guests have been able to connect with Olive Garden and we can't wait to meet corporate things ever. Like unique ways they're willing to connect with our brand. The brand consciousness they are displaying. Nikki, you ready to get back on the side of these people being like

stop? Okay. Yeah. The Gardens also, by chance, have given their daughter unique initials they followed the tradition of justin garten's family and used one of his siblings names i didn't know that was a tradition as the baby's new middle name r-o-r-g worse olivia's full name will be olivia michelle Garten or OMG ah stop it quote I guess I like that I'm back on board you are on board I like OMG

my initials are NRG so it's like energy and I always I loved a good initial nice that's a good one mine

I get called I get called almost as much DVK yeah Dan Van Kirk it's phenomenal that's so great

yeah it's very it could be very DVK is great yeah OMG is awesome. I'm happy. Olivia's full name will be Olivia Michelle Garten. OMG quote, I guess we just have to be those hashtag millennial parents, Jordan Garten

said with a laugh. And that's the end of story time. Yeah, they got a long road. Raising a kid's heart. All these little jokes will be over soon. What are they going to do when they have another one? What is that? That kid's going to get nothing.

Taco Bella? Yeah. Taco Bella. Bread stick. Bread stick. Bread stick. Bread stick. Garden.

Babe, you know where... That's what it means. Bread stick. Bread stick garden. I can't get enough of them. Babe, you know where... That's what it means. Bradstick. Bradstick Garden. I can't get enough of them. Babe, do you remember our first errand we ever went together was to get the oil changed at Jiffy Lube? Let's do that.

What about Jimmy Lube Garden? No, Jeffy Lube. Jeffy. Jeffrey Lube. Jeffrey Lube. All right. There's story two down the books. There is.

Not harmful people. They're just a. All right. There's story two down the books. It is. Not harmful people. They're just a couple from Arkansas. He's an actor. Don't know why he's in the acting capital of the world, Fayetteville, or wherever they are. Right. And they've just made a decision that may or may not haunt their child. That's the way it works in Dumb People Town.

We only have one more story, Dan. What is... What are we... Can you tease a little of what we got? Can you tease a little bit of what we might see in this next segment? Somebody steals their ride from the grocery store. Okay, there it is. You're going to have to tune in after the break to find out.

This is Dumb People Town with Nikki Glaser. Stay with us. Stick around. Nikki's down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. If you want to see us live, by the way,

we'll be doing this show live at San Francisco Sketch Fest. Oh yeah. On January 21st, which is a Sunday at 1 p.m. at Cobb's Comedy Club. Dumb People Town Luncheon. Dumb People Town Luncheon. Bring your stories like we did in Houston,

which will air in a little bit. If you come up and you have a little bit if you come up and you have a story you can come up and read it and we will break it down for you so the townies can come

it's like a town hall meeting and all of our like fun guess the ages and stuff we do here we do with the with the townsfolk you can participate

killer merch that you don't have to pay pay shipping for we'll sign it and by the way we are figuring out ways in which we can get that up at Amazon

because we have yeah it might be up by the time this drops but it'll be up very very soon we will let you ways in which we can get that up at Amazon because we have the pins. Yeah, it might be up by the time this drops, but it'll be up very, very soon. We will let you guys go to the Facebook page. Live podcasts are so fun to get. They're so fun.

They really are. We're doing one in New York on February 25th. We're trying to find out the ticket counts. I think it's sold out. Yeah, the girls from Guys We Fucked

are the first guests that we have, and then we might add a second show there as well. And then Moon Tower's coming up. Well, I might live there by then, so you guys should hit me up.

Ah, nice. Love to. Cool. All right. You might be back in New York. If you add a second show. Oh, hell yeah. Hell yes.

That's February 25th at the Bell House. Nikki Glaze. All right, so we have one more story. Let's do this. Sent in by Liz H. At Liz A-S-H-I-Z. Ashiz? Ashiz.

Liz Ashiz? Liz H. Thanks, Liz. Chris Fairbanks, Alaska. An Anchorage man... It writes itself. Kunky Chambles, my favorite bit. I love him.

An Anchorage man was arrested on felony theft charges after police in the area say he was trying to drive a stolen electric shopping cart away from the grocery store to which it belongs. You are not going to go very fast. No. No. That's one of those like jazzies with the basket in the front. Right. And do they have like the, did he get stopped at the thing because of the

I think that's more of a city area. Shouldn't there be like an electric fence with that thing? You can't see it. If you go past it, it'll like shock you. It like locks up. Yeah. But what I shock you.

Like leaving on like one of those little rascals. Like that's what Cat Williams did. Cat Williams slapped a Target employee, then hopped on a rascal and led the police on a low speed chase. Oh my God. Yeah. Yeah. What can't he do? God.

Comedy? Get it together. Get it together. I think he's... Get it together. He can't get it together. It's so funny. What can't Cat Williams do?

His hair? I don't know. Oh, my God. I think Cat Williams... By the way... Let me say this. I think Cat Williams is so funny. Oh let me say this. I think Cat Williams is so funny.

Oh, he's so funny. My wife and I were in, he took like 15, it was like Todd Glass-esque. He took like 15 minutes at the top of his show. The DJ kept putting on this song like,

every day I'm hustling, hustling. And he's like, I told you, Mr. DJ, do not put that song on. And he gives him a look and the guy goes back and he's like, every you Mr. DJ do not put that song on and he gives him a look and the guy goes back

and he's like every day I'm hustling I told you Mr. DJ and like it was it was we were laughing so hard

I was like I know this you don't even know what you're laughing I'm like I know this is coming but this is just like he comes out on stage

at the beginning of his special he's sweating profusely you're like you haven't done anything yet. Tons of cocaine. So many drugs. And burpees. Oh, yeah.

In full regalia. Yes. While in platform shoes. While holding a handkerchief. This guy, though, leaving. I hope he left in electric car, like the little rascal, like confidently saying goodbye to everybody. No, no, I bet he's leaving, and then employees walk out, they count the rascals, they're like, two, three, four, five, two, three, four, five, we have six, why is this one five?

And then you look to your left, and he's still trying to get out of the parking lot. He's still 11 feet away. Or like trying to back forward, back forward out of the parking lot. He's still 11 feet away. Or like flooring it. Trying to back forward, back forward out of a space that he can't back forward. It's going to take so long. Somebody's like, Dale, would you be fair? Before you lock up tonight, will you go get that guy out of the parking lot? He won't have made it that far.

Right. The incident began in the early hours of Tuesday morning when Rondell Chinahook, Chinahook, Chinahook, whatever. Rondell Chinahook sounds like a Chinahook whatever Rondell Chinahook sounds like a stand-up comedian from the 80s who used to

I love Rondell Sheridan but like he's that guy Rondell Chinahook now does only corporate gigs and cruise ships and can do a little magic

just a little and his classic closer is the difference between black men and white women and his headshot is the difference between black men and white women. And his headshot is from 1995. It's him in a full Eskimo fur-lined hooded jacket.

With a hook in his mouth, like pulling it to the side. And he takes those into the diner with him. Just in case they put up pictures there. I was going to say he had a full salmon in his but the hook is way better he's like getting pulled off out of his own headshot yes yes do any of you have your picture up anywhere at any establishment where they're like oh can we put a picture up yeah yeah yeah it's the best i mean not like a comedy club mean, like at a diner or a restaurant.

I wanted to go in my dry cleaner and I wanted to ask them if I could put it up because they have like a bunch of, but they're so old. It's like the dad

or the uncle from the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. He's the most famous one. And I wanted to put it up. I think he's in

every dry cleaner. He comes from the place. I wanted to put mine and just say thank you for letting me put this up. Like say something just so like people

in the neighborhood just go oh my God like cheat like make it a joke. Yeah. You guys really pressed me to do this. Yes.

Yes. Like if I could get the Astro Diner in Silver Lake to put my picture up I would. Dead. Oh my God.

Get me dead. Don't do it. Get me your headshot and I will walk in there and do it. Yeah. I love diners so much or like Patty's in Burbank

I could be up on that Dan Kirk because you know people will then take their picture in front of you in it there's an old couple who fixes watches down 3rd street I don't know how they still can pay the rent down on 3rd near Crescent Heights

and I've gone in there for them to fix a watch before. I want to give them my headshot. Yeah, sure. Because you know they've got it. We should bring it back. Yeah. Because I feel like it happened a lot in 1988. Yeah, it was a big thing.

There's Higgins from Magnum P.I. Yeah. That's interesting. He gets his watch fixed here. Oh, Bob Euchre used to come in here. Higgins from Magnum P.I. He gets his timepiece fixed here. I've got to bring in my headshot.

Do it. I have to do that before. Done, done. So Rondell Chinahook of Anchorage set out on the Safeway shopping cart in the Fairbanks area store. Employees noticed him leave the store on the cart at 3.14 a.m., which means someone saw and was like, mark this down. Yes.

We got a runner. By the way, this is Alaska. Time of death. By the way, 314 AM in Alaska in the summertime, it's like 12 noon. That's when they are out and about. Totally right.

That was our joke about Alaska. We're like, how do ugly people get laid in Alaska? Let me rephrase that. How do people get laid in Alaska? Did you say pie? What? I did. Yes, thank you.

You made the nerdy part of me happy and the amount of me that loves pie. Because I'm hoping that the person was like, the officer was like, what time is it? It was pie, man. He's like, sir, can you just give me what time it was? That's how I remember. And then someone was like, it was Darren Aronofsky. Right. You're like, whoa, that's one step removed from that.

Okay. Like it was Darren Aronofsky. Right. Like, whoa, that's one step removed from that. Okay, so employees notice him leave the store at 3.14 a.m., which was later confirmed via security camera video. Ten minutes later, Chinahook reached the intersection on the battery-powered cart with a maxed-out speed of under two miles per hour. No. That's less than walking. They wrote this. They're just trolling him, the person

who wrote this down. Most of his journey on the stolen cart was spent driving from the grocery store across the parking lot to the nearest intersection. Ten minutes later. Ten minutes. To cross the parking lot. It is so slow. That's slower than parade traffic. He could have thrown so much candy.

Two miles an hour? An officer saw him, this is also miles an hour? An officer saw him... This is also what I love. An officer saw him stuck at that intersection. The cart apparently inoperable because it was trapped in snow. That's what I was thinking. Are these off-road vehicles? No.

Alaska's not a good place to... This guy is drunk in a safe way. He's like, how far can I get? How far can I get? I'll tell you how far I can get. This is a metaphor for how far he's going to get in life. how far can i get how far i can get this is a metaphor for how far he's going to get in life yeah just to the intersection then you're going to stop drunk on a jazzy in the snow is the beginning of and then i came to this 12-step program yeah

that's why i'm here my name is ron del chino figuratively was spinning my wheels in the snow and now i'm here in his church basement. I feel like he'd be afraid to talk because that's a pretty soft rock bottom. How old is this guy? We're going to find out. Oh, we're going to find out. Okay. By the way, soft rock bottom to me is a great name for a yacht rock bar.

That is great. How has nobody ever put those words together before? Soft rock bottom? Soft rock bottom? Oh, come on. That is a yacht rock dive bar. That is just a hundred... That is a song that's playing when you hit rock bottom.

Like that's in a diner. So then I just looked at the wheels were spinning and I heard Christopher Cross and I said, this is it. I can't believe it. I've been lost between the moon and New York City. I've hit soft rock bottom. Yeah. So an officer sees him stuck in the snow.

Chinahook allegedly told officers he was on his way back to return the cart. Yeah. And quote, was just riding the cart to have fun. That's my favorite because you know the cop is like trying to get them to do something. I was like, I'm just having fun, man. I'm just having fun.

Oh, I didn't know that they arrest people for fun here. Something gets on the offensive. I didn't realize. The bar people for fun here in Anchorage. Suddenly gets on the offensive. I didn't realize. The bar for fun in Anchorage, Alaska is so low that it could be like, eh. Have you ever done comedy in Anchorage? No, I haven't. So our story of doing comedy in Anchorage was years ago, went up and did stand up in Anchorage. And it was at University of Anchorage.

Pete Holmes loves this story so much. So we went up to Anchorage and we were featuring for Tommy Davidson. This is at a time when Tommy Davidson was kind of off in living color and he was doing some movies.

He did Bamboozled. He did a bunch of stuff. He was and is really funny. Like really, really funny and talented dude. So we were psyched to meet him and we thought we'd come off stage

and he'd be right there. We'd get a chance to talk to him in the wings while the people brought him up but what happened was he didn't show up to the gig until 10 minutes after we were off stage which is so weird because then we'd finish our 30-minute set and the audience is just sitting there like doing nothing and waiting for tommy davidson to come so we go in the back and we're sitting on the floor we're like no we ask we see his manager who's like a guy who looks like jim brown the former cleveland browns running back who is now an activist wearing like an african like beanie type hat toothpick in his mouth and we we were going to come up to him to say hey listen we'd love to meet tommy if it's at all possible before he gets on stage and i guess he thought we were because we looked younger we we were part of the college that brought

them there and he just looked at us was like yeah tommy needs more ham on a ham plate like he starts telling us what tommy needs in his green room okay that's great is there any time to use some of that bubbly water up in the tea and we're like like, okay, great. Yeah, Tom and I eat more cheese on the cheese. I mean, it was like giving us all the things. So that is now, like, that's Pete Holmes' favorite thing, when we are like, Tom and I eat more ham on a ham plate. And so then we were on a flight with Tommy Davidson, and we told him the story about that guy.

And so he thought it was... He thinks it's hilarious. Oh, good. So now whenever we see Tommy Davidson, we're like, Tom and I eat... Tom and I eat... I want to go to Anchor and tell him. So this guy, Tom and Nate are new jazzies. So yes, Dontrell Chinachuck.

Donanee. Donanee. I've called them four or five different names. Dontrell Chinachuck. Rondell. Rondell Chinahook. Ronanee. Ronanee.

Ronanee. He said, you're just trying to have fun, a spokesman at the Fairbanks Police Department said. Ron and me. Ron and me. He said, you're just trying to have fun, a spokesman at the Fairbanks Police Department said. The theft of the cart, which is valued around $250,000, $2,500, constitutes a felony. And because this is Dumb People Town, the article had two periods at the end of that sentence, and I don't know why.

Was it supposed to be an ellipsis? Almost. Or was it supposed to be just a period? They were thinking about putting an ellipsis there. We'll cut it off here. I'm going to ask you guys right now. How old is Rondell Chinahook at 3.14 in the morning, stealing a rascal from a Safeway, trying to have a little bit of fun?

Oh, sorry. I'm going to go first. Sorry. You're the guest. I am so with you. The name Rondell, that's an older school name. go first because i you can sorry why did you what what i am so with you ron the name rondell that's an older school name um i think he might be on the verge of needing this said scooter um he probably has some diabetes or something going on that so i think 56 um and just trying to have

fun he definitely has he's got a dead foot for sure yeah yeah i, yeah. I'm 56. Okay. Randy or Jay? It's so funny. I'm so with you. I thought 52 jumped right into my brain. It's like 52. This guy is 52 years old, but he looks like he's 70. Okay. Yes.

I'm going against the grain, and I'm saying he's 23 years old. This seems like a dumb prank that a young kid would do. The fun line makes me think younger. The fun line, yeah, because if you're 52, you're not having fun. You're not having fun. You're not doing anything for fun. Maybe you're trying. No, you've given up, especially.

You're just trying to survive. Fun is just making sure that exactly. But the older part to me feels like he decided. What's more fun than going less than two miles an hour across the parking lot? Nothing. In an acreage. I kind of felt old. At three in the morning.

I felt old person too when I was reading because I was like, oh, he just was like, I'm not walking home. Yeah, yeah. Just like, fuck it. I paid my taxes.

Technically, this is my rascal. That's actually not how our economy works. Okay, so what's the final? 56. 56 from Nikki. 52 from me. Randy.

23. 23 from Jason. Wow. Rondell Chinook. Is available for corporate. Hook in the lip. I bought his comedy

Hook, Line, and Rondell. By the way, if you want us to do a picture of him that we can show. I mean, we might by the time I find this, but I don't have one. Join the Facebook page anyway, damn it. Okay.

Rondell Chinahook is 32 years old. Oh, Jason. Closer. Fun brought the age down. It really did.

You're right. That was the clue. Yeah. Fun brought it. Oh. Guys, those are our stories. Those are great stories.

I feel like 32 is like if you averaged ours together it's probably that all of us together maybe the lesson of this whole episode is that all of us together make one Rondell Chinahook what do you mean 32 we've all got a little Rondell in us

I just now realized that Chinahook is the broken in his mouth. Oh, my God. For the Chin-A-Hook. Oh, yeah, yeah. I just know. I didn't really put it together either until after, because I was going with the Eskimo

thing, but it all comes together. It was like fishing, but Chin-A-Hook. Hooked in the chin. Hooked in the chin. I bought his act Chin-A-Hook line. And then his cerebral album is called Chin-A-H line, and sink it. And then his cerebral album is called Chin a Hook Line and Thinker.

I love it. Alright guys, you've been great. I sell rags in the back. I sell bait in the back. No, that is hilarious. Well, this has been a, I don't know, did you ever watch the show Making a Murderer? Yeah.

Okay, unbelievable. So Ken Kratz. And in this age where like dudes are getting, the shoe is dropping on every guy who has ever treated a woman the way most guys treat women, which is terribly. And the shoe is dropping. Why hasn't the shoe fallen on Ken Kratz? Oh, I thought it did, didn't it?

A little bit. A little bit. That guy needs, because he became the victim suddenly because people were like vandalizing his house. The beauty of this show. He sexually harassed the women who he was trying to help. So this is a guy who like,

you're like, why isn't this guy now in the conversation a little bit more? Right? Well, here, so we actually, we have a pipeline to talk to Ken right well here so we actually we have a pipeline to talk to ken kratz and uh we actually have an opportunity to talk to him right now dan can you just let him in real quickly all right he's he's coming in all right just look at that suit look at that mickey mouse tie hello hello how are you hi ken ken how are you nicky's not

nicky's not happy the star star of Making a Murderer. You are not the star of Making a Murderer. Is it possible that I'm the star? Is it possible that there's a person out there who thinks I'm the star of Making a Murderer? Of course, that's always a possibility. How dare you for what you did, not only to the main guy,

but to Stephen Avery. By being a winner. What about, who's the boy? You obliterate him so much she can't remember his name is brendan yes you snake brendan dassey chose his own words he did not i chose how to handle those no he was also was coerced into a lot of stuff he thought he was going home to watch wrestling that night and slow well wrestling, wrestling's real. It's not real. It's not Ken. You're off on everything.

So now, in this world, are you fearful that your name is going to be... Why would I be fearful of anything? I am Ken Kratz. I'm the catch. I have a $300,000 house. We understand that. And I have a two-year-old Buick LeSabre. People ask me all the time, they say to me, Ken,

is that a Buick? Can I say me, Ken, is that a Buick? Can I say, is it possible it is a Buick? You're cross-examining anyone who asks you. People just want to give you a compliment about your car. I'm Ken Kratz, and I am the person who has the answers. Now, due to being a star and making a murderer, I came in here today. No one looks at you that way. Is it possible that they know that?

Is that possible? Maybe. Is it possible that there's aliens is it possible there's aliens is there possible that aliens say that you do but i mean i'm going to be at c2e2 what that's the chicago comic-con okay i'm doing a booth and a signing there mandatory hugs for every person so that's the problem that can true. Why would that be a problem? Nikki, this is what I'm talking about. Who wouldn't want to hug this sweater? Who wouldn't want to feel this goatee on their neck? No.

You can hear my bracelets clank together behind you as I pull you in. Pull you in? That, what you just said, sounds predatory. I don't understand why you guys have a problem with me making other people feel good. Is it possible I made the people of Manitowoc feel good when I had Stephen A. reconvicted? Is that a possibility? Everything's a possibility. I'm doing the same thing.

Now, I will tell you this. I might not hug everyone, but because I'm a gentleman, I'll definitely be hugging the women. All right. See, this is the problem. Not every woman wants to be hugged. But because I'm a gentleman, I'll definitely be hugging the women. All right. See, this is the problem. Yeah. Does everybody feel creepy? Not every single us out. I feel like. Not every woman wants to be hugged, right, Nikki?

No, we don't. But is it possible that some of them do? So why not just hug them all? Of course it's possible that some people do. But what about the possibility that some don't? Yeah. Why would they be in line? Because maybe they want to yell at you and tell you to stop.

Yeah, yeah. You're saying that there's also a possibility that some people don't want to be hugged? Yes. Then I don't want to live in that world. Okay. And that's the first good thing you've said all day. Thank you, Dan Press.

You're welcome, Dan. Take it out. Thanks. I'll see you at C2E2. You guys aren't doing the Wild Hogs panel? No, we're not. That's not existing. Goodbye.

God, let Dan back in for Christ's sake. Wow. You should have seen that guy. Thank God you came back. He wears classic polo cologne, the green bottle. His bracelet's clanking behind your body. It's one of the most disturbing auditory examples. That's the sound of a door locking in Matt Lauer's office.

Yes, it is. Under desk button. All right, here's the sound of a door locking in Matt Lauer's office. Yes, it is. Under desk button. All right, here's the good news, is that we just had a great time with Nikki Glaser. Yeah, we did. Friend of the show now. Yes, I love this. This is the way this goes.

Yes, DPT. DPT. Oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Yep. Dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum