Dumb People Town - Nikki Glaser - Vino Diesel

Episode Date: May 26, 2020

This week Daniel, Jason and Randy welcome Nikki Glaser to town. To start, in story one a scantily clad wine enthusiast does extreme wine tasking. In story two, a man robs a neighbors home and leaves a trail of clues behind. In story three, a couple of guys at an Applebee’s get angry at last call. 

Skypains Avenue Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Glazer. Nikki glazer hi great nikki hi we are so happy to see you we jay and i got a chance to hang out with you on julian mccullough's and sean o'connor's game show thing that was so much fun with us and you and jimmy pardo oh my gosh so fun what did we play what's the name of that game? Jack of all trades. No, no. I want to say. It's the other one. Jackalino.

Jack. Jackalino. I'm just, I'm an old guy. No, it's Jackbox TV, but. It was just a game of Jacks. Yes, it was a game of Jacks. It starts with a Q, I think. Quick lash.

Quick lash. Quick lash. Thank you. Yeah. It's so, it's, they might need to work on that name for the fact that three of us could not remember the name of that. That might be a branding issue right there. Right. But that game was, gave me such anxiety to try and be funny and like a couple in like a matter of seconds. The pressure was on. You were great, but you, Beth, Sean,

Julian, me, Jay and Jimmy Pardo, and a couple other people. And it just was so fun to be around comics and goofing around and kind of busting on each other. Isn't that what you miss the most? I totally agree with you. As you were saying that list of comics, I was like, where would you ever get that group of comics all together? And I go, oh, yeah yeah like a meltdown lineup you know like that that was reminiscent of um a hang where you're kind of we don't all hang out all the time but like when you do hang out you're like this is really fun that's the best part about comedy is like you get to just

recycle this group of awesome friends to catch up with here and there i miss the yeah you've always been that i mean like i remember we were in st louis doing like a thanksgiving show and we're like i wonder if she's here would she come and do like a guest set and you did it was so nice that was so fun it was you were hilarious yeah well i've had a couple great shows with you guys of just uh great hangs you guys are just good hangs i think you the everyone would agree that you guys are great hangs but i really miss the walking to stage as someone else is leaving stage and having that like little moment even that is something yes yeah yeah totally the three of us can relate all of us walking the stage while eric griffin thank god for podcast while eric griffin messes up our credits it's the best oh my god i'll tell you i didn't uh hate not hugging him the last time I was brought on stage by him

during when things were starting to get weird. I was like, Oh, I don't, I can't. I want to so bad. He's so funny. He's so funny.

But we were like, Hey man, just, you know, say Netflix special and, and say this thing and say that. And he was like, they got Netflix,

the Sklar brothers. I'm like, they got Netflix. Yeah. We both have it. We have it. Alright, well, listen. This is a good segue. The world is getting... I could go on about that for a while, but yes.

Let's get into it. Let's get into it because the world's getting dumber and we want to just jump in with you and we got these great stories sent to us. So, Dan, go for it. This was sent in by one of three jared thornbergs on the internet love this double o negative thank you jared for sending this in i this uh there's a video that accompanies this but you really don't need it because it doesn't show you as much as the story tells you uh this is a person living their dream modesto california from cbs. It's a wine heist like you've never seen before.

The Modesto CHP arrested Gabriel Moreno after he allegedly jumped onto a moving tanker truck carrying red wine, climbed under its belly to unscrew the valve and drank the wine as the truck traveled up Highway 99. Worst action hero ever? I mean, this is the Fast and Furious that I want to see. This is like if Nancy Meyers wrote the Fast and the Furious. Vino Diesel.

Oh my god. Vino Diesel. The guy likes boxed wine. Yeah. What did he say? The guy likes tanker wine. I mean. That's the biggest box he could find.

But also, wouldn't that screw up your ability to hang on? Like, why wouldn't you just like fill a boda bag like you're going to a college fraternity hayride and just fill a few of those? Like you're going to a college fraternity hayride and just fill a few of those. My thing, though, whenever someone accomplishes this, where they climb onto a moving tanker truck and then drink wine, I want to see the rest of their vision board. Because if you've accomplished this goal, what else do you have laid out for your future? Like punch a greeter at Walmart. Like, I don't know what else you got. Exactly. Well, Nikki, I look, I like a good glass of wine.

I'm assuming, or maybe you do, maybe you don't. I don't know if you drink wine, but like. I quit drinking like almost nine years ago, but this is why. This is it. ago, but this is why. This is it. It's a progressive illness that leads you to eventually put your

life in danger to get it. But drinking wine has more than beer. I can see this with a beer truck. Yes, yes. Or this should be like a commercial for Wild Turkey. Not like a half cab, half Merlot.

Like, isn't wine, like wine's relaxing. How is someone enjoying the, while it's moving at a fast speed? I don't know. Is he taking a sip and swishing? Well, he did slosh, it sloshed it around at first and he got to, he smelled it first. Right, you want the bouquet. We missed the part where he smelled the tanker for a bit of a time. He smelled the gourd. This is his sideways. He was spitting it out as he went. Yeah, you want the bouquet. We missed the part where he smelled the tanker for a bit of a time. This is his sideways. He was spitting it out

as he went. Yeah, exactly. He was just doing a tasting. Here's what happened. Dan, you said this is his sideways? Yes. More like upside down. Video of the wild ride was recorded on the Cherokee Freight Lines tanker truck Moreno allegedly targeted targeted the dash cam video

shows moreno in a sedan putting on his hazards lights and directing the truck to the side of the highway so he's driving down this highway the truck comes up behind him and he puts on his hazards and kind of like gets the truck semi truck to like pull over behind him which i didn't even know that in itself is like a move right there. And how much bad shit did the driver of that truck do that he was like, oop, I gotta go? Yeah, he somehow blamed himself. Oh, I know.

This guy was... He made this truck stop so he could do this? He put his hazards on and pulled a citizen's arrest. I was telling the guy, I need you to get over me. So they pulled over and also yeah that's either like a truck driver who's like i did something or he's like i got three more hours before i'm supposed to be there let's see let's see what this is maybe i can get a hand job

out of this so oh my god this guy was so premeditated i really thought it was like just oh why not right like he had a death wish or something but this is so elaborate he just needed that what was the picture on the side of the truck like it must have looked so good so was it george clooney and that other guy with the motorcycles i always want to fuck that truck yeah exactly let's just get on randy gerber oh my god those the tequila trucks i I love those trucks. You know, just those Christmas gifts that turned into a billion-dollar company. Yes.

That's literally how it started. They just bought that tequila arm to give gifts to friends. And then people were like, you should sell this. And it worked out. I'm glad something worked out for George. It's really good for George Clooney. Yeah, that's a nice little story. I was worried about that for a second.

Me too. So anyway, the dash cam video shows Moreno in the sedan putting on his hazard lights, directing the truck to the side of the highway. The truck driver pulls over, believing he may have a mechanical problem. So he was like, oh, maybe the guy's trying to tell me there's something wrong with my

truck. Only to then see Moreno get out of his sedan wearing only underwear. That's when you drive away. That's when you're like right back in right or if you're going for the hand job, you're like score. Yes. So he goes he gets out with only underwear on the camera shows Moreno running to the side of the truck and out of you. So there's like this guy, you know, because so many like uber drivers and truck drivers have now he has dash cameras so you can see from the front and then he even has him on

the side i guess to watch for hop-ons sure and so he sees the guy run around to the side of his truck and out of view as the truck driver pulls back onto the freeway so the truck driver was like yeah i'm out of here another on board camera captures moreno jump back into view and then back onto the side of the wine truck so now with the guy and the guy's just driving this semi truck with a dude in his underwear hanging on to the side oh my god this is good wine this is really good wine right this is when you're like oh tom tom cruise does his own stunts i didn't know that A hundred percent. With no shirt and no shoes, he rides on the side of the tanker.

The video then shows him climb underneath the truck as it hits freeway speeds. Jesus. Oh my god! I know, but let's also talk about the fact that the truck driver was like, he'll fall off. Like he's a bug. Like a leaf on your windshield that you're like, I'm not gonna

get out and move this. I'm gonna keep driving until it'll fall off so but he didn't have any shoes on either or pants just underwear it was a good time night for him or day it's right it's the middle of day how many i'm glad he didn't have no pants and shoes that would be weird to just put the shoes on right right that's right and just get that. But I cannot. I guess. Yeah. Okay. Keep going.

How does this end? But I mean, this feels like probably most women have probably encountered somebody who comes out in their underwear and you're just like, no, we're not doing this. Yeah. Yes. Yes. Don't. Thank you. It's a metaphor for like that guy.

Yeah. Who you connect with once and you're like, oh, my God. Wait, he's hanging on to the bottom of my life. He flagged me down somehow. He got me in a weak, vulnerable state. And now he is doing something so weird. Put your dick away. No one asked for that.

You nailed it with that. Yeah, Nikki, it goes even deeper. He caught me at a time when I thought maybe I had something wrong with me. Oh, my God. You're so right. Whoa. He caught me at a time that I thought maybe I had something wrong with me. I gave him a chance.

And then he hung on to my life. And no matter how hard I tried to get away. He tried to suck me dry. Highway speed. He tried to suck me dry. Yes. Oh, he tried to suck me dry yes oh he tried to suck me dry wow this is such a metaphor this is blowing my mind you guys i mean everywhere how does this end how does my life end okay so

the video shows him climb underneath as the truck hits freeway speeds then the truck driver noticed a dashboard gauge showing him that he was losing fluids hundreds of gallons of wine yeah the truck driver was like i didn't know i was peeing that's when the driver uh says after that he calls uh he called the chp so keep in mind he did not call the cops when a guy in in only underwear ran at his car he didn't call the cops when the guy jumped on he didn not call the cops when a guy in only underwear ran at his car. He didn't call the cops when the guy jumped on. He didn't call the cops when the guy climbed under his truck as he was driving. But once he saw that he was losing fluids or product, he was like, all right, I'll call the fucking cops. You know why?

Because he's like, I'm going to get blamed for this. That's right. Yes. That's why he pulled over in the first place. He doesn't want to involve the police. That's right. He knows better. Right. That's right. Do it. He knows better. Right.

He's got priors. The Modesto CHP officer, Tom Olson, who sounds like he's never had detention, he said, I've listened to thousands and thousands of calls. This one is up there in the top 10, which makes me only want to find out what the other nine. I know.

God! What are you hiding, Tom? The truck driver 10, which makes me only want to find out what the other nine. I know God, what are you hiding Tom? The truck driver allegedly found Moreno in an unusual position. Moreno had unscrewed a valve, a valve, sorry, underneath the truck as it was traveling north. That sent the tankers

wine gushing and Moreno gulping as much as he could. So his mouth was, his head was under the valve and he was just getting like drinking red wine. If you saw this in a Jim Carrey movie, you'd be like, I don't, I'm out.

Too much. Yep. This defies logic and physics. Even in a Jim Carrey movie. Yes. Feels like a hat on a hat. It does. Yes.

This, this individual was able to release the wine from under the tanker and he Jim Carrey movie. Yes. Feels like a hat on a hat. It does. Yes! This individual was able to release the wine from under the tanker and he placed himself underneath the tanker in such a manner, the best way to describe this was somebody doing like snow angels. Tom Olsen's wrong.

He's just a full spread eagle. He was hoisting himself up arms and legs completely spread under the thing. And getting like a wine facial. Right. What is this guy's weightlifting regimen? I know. What does he do?

He's got to be fit. This is a new thing. How do you climb and hold yourself? Underneath. Spread eagle underneath. Wow. That would take so much strength. Yeah.

Think of the core strength that he's destroying with all the wine he's now drinking this though like if i knew this guy from my youth it would be the number one reason to go to your high school reunion to be like marino is gonna be there what's he doing we have to see what pyramid scheme he's got going going uh the highway 99 red wine heist big and bold with a finish and handcuffs hate when people who write articles get funny don't this individual got exactly what they were looking for immediately officer olsen said the trucking company says uh they lost a lot of wine most of it ending up on highway 99 we will get out of here on this. I will ask the three of you. Nikki, you are a guest, so you can go first, TIG, or third,

whichever spot you want to go in. What is the equivalent? How many bottles of red wine do they say were lost? There's enough wine to fill how many bottles of red wine? Do you think they lost? Wait, so I get to go first? You can go any place you want. I'll go first.

I'll go first. Okay. I think 1,500. 1,500 bottles. That's actually really a good guess. It's a lot. Because I think it's more than I think that it would be, but it's also less than it actually could be. 1,500 is a lot. Because I think it's more than I think that it would be, but it's also less than it actually could be.

Maybe. I don't know. 1,500 is a good guess, Jay. I'm going to say 700. 700 bottles of wine. I'm going to say 5,000. You got me thinking in that direction. 5,000 bottles of wine.

All right. I will tell you this. One of you is exactly right. Oh! So now, Nikki, we get to play who do you think is exactly right? Do you think it's you, Jay, or me? And you said 1,500. I said 5,000 and Jay said 700.

It's so much pressure. Randy. Okay. I'm going to go up. I think it's me too. Jay, what do you think? I think I'm right. I'm sticking by mine. Okay. I'm going to go up. I think it's me too. Jay, what do you think? I think I'm right. I'm sticking by mine.

Okay. Before we head on to our second story, I will tell you that the trucking company says they lost enough wine to fill 5,000 bottles. Yes, I'm right about you being right. You got a piece of it. Thanks for believing in me. You're sharing the win.

I just thought, why did I vote for someone else to be right when I, like, why wouldn't mine be the vote? Why would I vote for myself? Because you hear them. No, because you hear them and you're like, you know what? That actually, I've changed before. Okay, okay, good. That's not bad. And you were right.

Yeah, that's true. You're right. I jumped onto your truck and I sucked ducked on yes thank you for glomming on uh all right let's take a break right now when we come back we're going to hear about what nikki's got going on and talk about her specials and then we'll get into some more stories it's dumb people town with nikki glazer stay with us stick sound for more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We want to remind people Dan Van Kirk has a fantastic daily,

I would say nightly, but I listen to it in the morning, first thing when I wake up, the nightly show. The good night show. The good night show. The good night show, sorry. And ours is we have a daily podcast called Sklubbro Country, the Virus Edition. Never done a daily before, Nikki Glaser. It's a hard thing to do, right?

It's so hard. I've been doing them since quarantine just because I was like, I got to do something every day. I was doing stand-up every day. So I was like, oh, I'll just start doing them daily. And it's much like stand-up in that you have to do it every day. Like, sometimes you're like, oh, no, I can't. I don't have anything to say. But without stand-up, it's been really great because it's just something that you get to do.

Are you talking about the You Up podcast? Yeah, I have a podcast called You Up. That was originally a version of my radio show that I had on Sirius. That just ended. And now I'm just doing, doing the podcast. And so I'm doing daily additions from my dad's home office in St. Louis, Missouri, where I'm living during this quarantine. And just, uh, it's kind of like a diary, a daily diary. And I do them solo, which is a whole nother beast, but I've been loving it. And it's just like, uh,

I they're very intimate. I don't know. Sometimes I, I'm the kind of like, I tell things on podcasts, especially ones where I'm alone and I'm just in a room alone. It turns into like a diary and it feels like, like more intimate than anything I've ever done. And I honestly, when people tell me they listen, I get uncomfortable because I'm like, you know, too much. I like, don't want people to listen. That's how weird. It's like the worst thing I could have done. It's terrible marketing. But it's hard for me to promote because I'm like, you'll know too much

and I can't have that. But yeah, that's kind of what I'm doing every day. It's pretty cathartic. It means you're being honest. Yeah, it's honest and it's the most intimate form of communication because you are in between people's ears. And I whisper the whole time.

Ooh. You're really into mumble core. Uh, no, but Jay and I, you know, doing this daily show as well. It's like, we've gotten super personal. And the, and the stories that wind up that we post, you know, little clips of it on our Instagram and the stories that wind up getting the most, uh, you know, sort of traction are the ones that are about like our childhood that are about stories that were really personal about ourselves. And what we realized is like, that's what people want to hear. They want to hear that deep stuff. And Dan gets super deep on his,

his podcast too. And he always does that. I just think it's, it's a good thing for all of us to be doing that right now. So right now it's called a you up, you up. Yeah. And you can find it. Uh, I usually, you can go to my Instagram and get all the information about me. It's linked there, but Instagram is my main, um, app, I guess. I don't know. Are you guys moving on to the other? Are you tick tocking yet? My kids want us to tick tock. It's fun. I got to admit it's fun. And it is like, I really enjoy it and I feel this pressure to do it and I'd probably be all right at it, but it's just, it's just another thing. I don't have the time to do all this stuff. I'd love to learn it. You got to learn a dance. There's a lot more going on there than just like,

you know, funny captions. I want to do transitions on there. Yeah. Uh, well, so, and you also have great specials that people can dig into. Uh, your degenerate, your degenerate special was fantastic. Bangin was great. Thank you. Bangin great too. So fun. Like we've really watched you grow as a comic over the years and just,

I mean, it's so good. It's so great. I think the roasts in, in many ways, I feel like gave you a lot of confidence that your jokes are your great joke writer and they sit well right next to the best joke writers out there and then you put it into your act and kind of kept cycling it back to the

personal stuff and it's so good it's so i really appreciate that it's like that means so much because coming from you guys because i did know you early on and would see you around and like you guys were just i was like you're at another level and like you always. And like, you guys were just, I was like, you're at another level. And like, you always want to like earn the respect of your peers. So now that I'm friends and like, feel like I'm peers with these comedians, I used to look up to it.

Like it means so much to me, but it's just a matter of just doing it long enough and just doing it. Like I said, every night I saw you guys and I was like, I want to be in that league. I want to be as good as that. And it's, it's about putting in the 10,000 hours and just getting the work firmly. Yeah. Yeah. There are no shortcuts. There are no shortcuts. There aren't with standup. I mean, there could

be with other things, but standup it's really, it's really honest. That's why people I'm like, I, you know, before I go out, i'll start doing zoom comedy have you guys been doing zoom stand up yet so we did the nowhere comedy club with uh wayne fetterman which i know i know you've jumped in and done some guest sets on that yeah i'm too scared to do a full set i was too scared like 10 minutes we're gonna do a full set we did 20 on wayne's thing and it felt like nothing and you're doing it standing up yeah we've it both ways because I have a mic stand and a mic and it feels, that at least feels more natural to me. Yes.

The Kohl's show in Chicago, the Kohl's mic, which Alex Kuhlman runs, is like so good. That's probably the best show I've done that actually felt like it had a vibe because she runs it so well. She has like,

she tells everybody to just do like hand signs for like audience replies and they get upwards of like 80 to 125 people a show so your zoom is like completely full of people watching you yeah it was still like everybody's sitting down so i did my set sitting down but i if i can i still would rather even if it's in my own living or like stand up we had the we had the most fun doing the nowhere comic club we're gonna headline on june. We're going to headline it for all of our fans. We're going to do that then. It's so fun. They tell everyone to turn down their volume and you can

still hear people laughing so you get that vibe. It's not even close to being as good or will it ever be but it's as close as it can get. I do feel like I felt ridiculous standing up for that Nowhere Comedy Club and it's kind of like everyone else was.

So I was like, okay, I guess I'll stand up. And I felt so stupid doing it. But then once I did it, it was like, oh, this actually makes me click back into that gear. And get out of a comfortable podcasting gear. Yes. All right, let's jump into another story, shall we? You ready? This is a fun one.

It is sent in by La Asinia uh at la asinia mma she lives out in new york she came to the brooklyn show she's uh been a big fan for a long time so thank you so much thank you for sending this in she's also a badass mma fighter if anybody wants to check her out okay uh it didn't take authorities in oklahoma long to find the culprit who allegedly broke into a woman's home and stole various items, including a deep fryer, which is what you that's what you're going there for. Yeah. If you're if you're right. And also not easy to rob a deep fryer.

They're never like transportable. That's a criminal who's stealing the thing that will ultimately execute him. Fair enough. And make his last is his like last and his final meal. He's got his one stop shop execute him. Fair enough. And make his last meal. And make his final meal. He's got his one-stop shopping. Two birds. All they had to do was follow the Trail of Grease

across the street to the home of the suspected thief, Stephen McCarthy. According to the arrest affidavit, police followed the- You will know me by the Trail of my Grease. Literally. Trail of my Grease the trail of my grease. Literally. Trail of my grease is one of my favorite Smokey Robinson songs as well. So take a good

look at my grease. Great song. According to the rest affidavit, police followed the, quote, noticeable grease spots that started from the woman's home and led directly to Stephen McCarthy's backyard.

This guy's had his eye on this fryer for a while. For a while. Oh, my God. He saw her bring it home on Black Friday. And he was like, not for long, bitch. Here's my question, Nikki, because you know there was a moment when

it just started dripping and he's like, I am fucked on this thing right here. How far was he when he was just like, there's no turning back? Is he across the street? Is he in the middle? I bet he got to the grass and figured they'll lose me. Right. Right. I'm like, I'm like a convict in a river.

I'm good here even though it was right like his grass right up to his door right yeah i'm hoping that like she like she had like a like like a pizza puff and like egg roll party and she cut him off and so part of him stealing it was like tell me i can't have any more egg you're so right okay god i would i would love for people to start stealing junk like that from my parents house if i could just have one guy break in a week and just take some shit i'm gonna have to clean out my like my dad's printer printer that's underneath another printer. Just carry that. Just drip ink out. Yeah, take it. I love this thieves just stealing shit that you have to get rid of anyway.

It's like... Sell that show, Nikki. It's a cross between Storage Wars and Hoarders and American Picker. And these people like... That's what it is. Yes. And cops. So here's the show you get hoarders you get hoarders to show up to people's houses who are not hoarders boat but their kids have called into

the show and say we need to mom and dad need to get rid of some stuff so you got we're gonna take mom and dad out for a while you guys get to look around the house you can't take anything that's new if anything is being used as something that it wasn't originally intended for, like a printer used as a table for another printer. Anything that is dripping, you can take. You got it. It's yours. The hoarders that come in, it would be wonderful to watch them assess what to take

because they're hoarders, so they'd be like, do you think this old printer will be sad if we don't take it? Because they assess a personal feeling to everything. Also the rejection that some items would feel to be not taken by a hoarder. To be not taken by a hoarder. That would be terrible. Like that could be the name of like someone's book passed over by a hoarder. That's a good album.

That's a great album passed over by a hoarder that's a good album that's a great album passed over by a hoarder uh it also sounds like the perfect like what you scribble to remember the bit yeah like past the past okay so i'm gonna nikki glazer's set list passed over by a hoarder printer on printer printer on printer lazy blowjobs that is exactly when people ask me how i write that is literally i've never once written a joke out more than that just what you remember it you're like yeah butt stuff uh yeah uh things that drip in the house right okay i love it which are both like the one that has butt stuff callback. Butt stuff does. It

leads into the bit about dripping in the house. Those two like always go together on the set. You can't break them up. The police found stolen items hidden around Stephen McCarthy's house and the deep fryer was in the utility room above the dryer. He is

a hoarder. Yes. Wow. Okay, here. Ready? This is where it starts to get fun. McCarthy and his alleged accomplice, William Bitch, admitted to the crime. No, that's not his name. What? B-I-T S-C-H-E Bitch. Bitch.

Yes. Bichet? Yeah. Bill Bitch. Bill Bitch. Bill Bitch. Bill Bitch. Double B if you're nasty. He definitely has a shirt that says his name on the back that says please. But what I love is that's his license plate.

That's his license plate. He's an accomplice too to this stupid rhyme. Accomplice sounds so badass until it's linked back to this he was the one that pointed at the cabinet put it there thank god you were here

help me carry this also what I love I'm tired of being your bitch alright the sentence I know imagine his his like personalized wedding hashtag. Yeah. These two bitches. That is hashtag these two bitches.

Or he's got a picture of his face on a shirt that it says resting bitch face. Yeah. Oh, my God. Yeah. Oh, what I love, though, is the structure of the sentence. Stephen McCarthy and his alleged accomplice, William Bitch, admitted to the crime, which means the cops are like, do you guys do that? Yeah. No one didn't turn on each other.

They both gave it up really quick. And also they admitted to it, but he's his alleged accomplice. Did you do it? Yes. Did you work together? I'm not saying. Don't say we worked together. We're just saying we did it.

Maybe. Which means they argued the whole time about the friar. The friar is going to get us. Neighbor, Matt Kennedy. Now enter this guy. He told NBC affiliate KFOR that McCarthy's behavior is out of ordinary. Okay. So this guy was not

part of the interview. He just walked over. He's like, you guys talking about the friar? You guys here for the friar? Are you the one who called? Nope. I just know what's going on. Matt Kennedy. Matt Kennedy. Damn glad to meet you. Okay, sir. Matt Kennedy.

K-E-N-N. We know how to spell Kennedy, Matt. Look, I tried to start a neighborhood watch several times. Sir, again, behind the tape. I said I'll do it myself. Sir, sir, sir. Sir, Matt. Matt interjects

himself, said it's out of character for Stephen McCarthy. No comment on whether or not it's out of character for Bill Ditch. Quote, this is about to happen. We know it's perfectly of character for Stephen McCarthy. No comment on whether or not it's out of character for Bill Bitch. Quote, this is about to happen. We know it's perfectly in character for Matt Kennedy. This isn't the first time he's weighed in on local crime. Oh, you mean Bill Lil Bitch? Yeah.

Everybody knows him. So he goes, this is what he says. This is what Matt says about Stephen McCarthy. Quote, he's a great guy. He's a great character, a family man. It's just a little unexpected. When you call someone a character, usually they're one step away from thief. By the way, the same thing could have been said about the Golden State Killer.

Yeah. Bit of a character. And Charlie Manson. He was a family guy. He had a whole manson family yeah the robbery the robbery victim who has not been identified but i mean we're all in one goddamn cul-de-sac that's right also says that mccarthy is a friend who eventually returned the items he stole and she says they will remain friends. Wow. I know. Wait, how did this even come to be then?

If she forgave him, she did. She called the cops because she didn't know where it was. They found out it was at Steve McCarthy's place and Bill Bitch helped him out. And all of a sudden she was like, oh, is Steve taking it? No, I don't care. Look, I'm going to have to press charges and we're going to have to include Matt Kennedy. Nope, nope, I'll give it back. I'll give it back. No charges pressed. We're fine. I'm ready to include Matt Kennedy. Nope, nope. I'll give it back. I'll give it back. No charges pressed.

We're fine. We're ready to give my statement. We're friends. Police said that Stephen McCarthy was apologetic and, quote, knew it was wrong, but he was intoxicated on alcohol and broke into the residence anyway. That isn't. There we go. Logically, that doesn't work out. I was drunk, so I broke in anyway.

There's no. Those don't relate to each other that's a really good point it's not a great excuse but it is it does make me feel better about the whole situation and it's like and if you talk to kennedy you know that this is classic mccarthy behavior of just getting drunk it's mccarthyism kennedy was he had took a hard stance kennedy versus mccarthy we saw it in the 60s. Now we're going to see it here. We'll do one more fun guess. This woman had stuff stolen from her house, including a deep fryer that led to them finding out that Stephen did it. How much do you think the items stolen from the house were valued at? And that's how we'll get out of this.

So I feel like the fryer was the only one they mentioned. I don't know if that was the least of things or the prize possession. But remember, she wants to remain friends. She's cool with him and Bill Bitch doing their actions. So how much do you think the things that were stolen were valued at from this house? Is he just carried them across the street?

You don't have to go first if you don't want to, Nikki. Do you want us to go first and then you can? Yeah, you go first. Okay, Jay, go ahead. I think it's got to be a significant amount of money for her to call the cops. I think it's... I don't know.

You ever had your deep fryer stolen? Yeah. I don't know how much a deep fryer goes for. I'm going to say $279. Yeah, $279. I was going to say $650. $650, Nikki Glaser. Wow, wow. Okay. I was going to say $650. $650. Nikki Glaser?

Wow. Wow. Okay. I was going to go much lower, and I think I'm still going to. Yeah, do it. Because I talked to Matt Kennedy, and he said the model- No, don't talk to Matt. It was probably a 2014. Friar?

Okay, so what's the price on that? That's what he clocked it up, but Kennedy knows his Friars. Okay, I'm going to say I'm going to say $200. $200? $200, $279, $650. Okay. We will leave here before we get into story number three, telling you

that the items stolen from the house that she forgave Bitch and McCarthy for were valued at $4,000. That's a lot of figurines. That's a lot of precious moments. That's a lot of precious moments.

That's a lot of precious moments. Crazy Hummel action. What if it was crappy stuff? It was like a deep fryer and three bags of Beanie Babies. But to her, she's like, you know what those are valued at? Do you know what those are going to come back around to? Cabbage Patch Kids. God, I'm dying to know what the other

stuff was. Maybe there'll be a follow-up. I'm sure Kennedy will get into it on his own podcast. The Neighborhood Watch with Matt Kennedy. God, Matt Kennedy's biggest dream in life is being able to actually comment on a really heinous crime.

Like say that he was just a normal guy, a nice guy. Like he tried with this. It doesn't really. God, it was just not his. Matt Kennedy is going to get his day. He will. But until then, you can check him out on his podcast, Calls from DeSac. Where he just.

From. DeSac. From DeSac. He's the guy who's always like, guys, we should drink out here. We'll call it Cox in the Sac. He's the guy who's always like, guys, we should drink out here. We'll call it cocks in the sack. Let's do this. We'll have cocktails out here.

You know what Matt Kennedy is doing right now? He's throwing in a driveway social distance party 24-7 at Matt Kennedy's. You know what's happening. And he's mad because someone else just turned on their Bluetooth speaker. And he can't hear. It's infringing on REO.

And he's mad because he hates sticks. Oh, my God. All right, Dan, give us a little taste of what we're going to see in this final quick story. No matter how much we're supposed to social distance, that doesn't stop a couple of idiots from going to Applebee's. Oh, boy. Okay, so Nikki Glaser's with us. We got one more story. We're going to bring it home after this. Dumb People Town, stay with us.

Stick around. Nikki's down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. By the way, follow Nikki Glazer. Great follow on Twitter and on Instagram and I guess on TikTok, too. It's just at Nikki Glazer. Yeah, Nikki Glaaser. Great follow on Twitter and on Instagram. And I guess on TikTok, too. It's just at Nikki Glaser.

Yeah, Nikki Glaser. I'm not doing much on TikTok. But yeah, Instagram's my main one. Your Insta's so great. And Dan's is really great, too, at Daniel Van Kirk. Yes. I should also remind everybody really quick that this Friday, we were talking about doing shows. I am doing a fundraising show for Sean Harrington, who was a basketball coach in Chicago. He was shot protecting his daughter from gunfire and paralyzed a few years

ago. They were mistaken. They were driving a car that some gang members thought they were somebody else. So this is a money to raise to make his home ADA accessible. He's given so much to the community and the youth of Chicago and still tries to do that. But due to his living situation, it's very hard for him. A lot of times he just is alone in his home while his family works. So let me ask, is that happening this Friday or when Nikki's drops next Tuesday? It is happening, yes. Friday the 29th. There you go. Friday the 29th, 8 o'clock Central Time. You can go to my social media to get links for it. Any

donation at all of any amount will give you your ticket to be able to watch me headline this show and hopefully raise some money for a great cause. And even if you can't contribute, just help spread the word. His name is Sean Harrington and you can go to my social media to check it out. Good deal. It's something good. Nice for you. And nice that you're doing that. All right, let's jump in. All right, here we go. Ready?

Sent in by Jake Groney at Jake Groney. Kingsport, Tennessee, WHJL. Two men were arrested after flipping tables at an Applebee's in Kingsport when the bar manager announced last call for alcohol.

Now, we talked about this story on our daily podcast, but to me, I want to get your opinions of is flipping tables the new pop in bottles? I hope not. Hey, Nikki, we going out tonight. Are we flipping tables? Are you ready to flip some tables?

Let me ask you this. I know you don't drink, Nikki, but maybe long ago or even still, after Zany's in Chicago or if you did Up at Second City, there's a bar across the street called the Old Town Ale House. I go there a lot.

There's a tamale guy that comes in. It's just a great hang. It's where all the Second City folks would hang after their shows. And so I've spent a lot of time there. I go there every time I'm back. There is almost every table is bolted down. So one day after shows at Second City, we were hanging out in there, and Joey Gallimore, as a joke, went to go flip the table, not realizing we were sitting at one of the few tables that wasn't bolted down.

So he thought it was going to be bolted. He flipped and we're just poor Chicago. Like it's cash only. You barely have enough for a drink. You go there enough that sometimes they give you one. So you just watch everyone's drinks go like flying up into the air. That's the only time I've been in a flipping table incident so i hope it does not become the norm and it was only because he thought the table 100 thought it couldn't move he wasn't trying to find these guys are mad in

this story because someone called last call for alcohol so they start flipping how mad are you yeah i've never seen a live table flip i mean also like who because you've been around bars when they've said last call most people are like oh shoot all right let's go if you want another drink you get another drink but like no yeah it's actually like okay we get to drink more like it's not like right everyone's out like it's not you know it's not like it's a warning call that means like yeah that's when the lights go on and no it's not even when the lights are on. The lights are still off. They're giving you a 30-minute warning. It's like, this is what you do when you have kids.

You tell them, when you want them to leave like an hour from now, you go, all right, 30, half hour. Half hour, we're getting out of here. And you're giving them that warning so they know ahead of time. That's all these people are doing. Oh, you give your kids a last call? Always. Last call. Oh, that's interesting. And they start flipping tables. And then they start flipping tables.

The sand tables. Also, I don't know if this exists, but a lot of Applebee's. I don't know if this has happened. Dan, this wouldn't have happened at Chili's. I'm telling you that much. Or my, well, I mean, the Cheesecake Factory. It would never happen. Cheesecake Factory.

Cheesecake Factory. No, that is just brown bread and happiness. That is all that's happening there. But the thing for me is like, Applebee's is known for a lot of their locations after 10 o'clock at night become, they call the bees. And they try to turn into like some sort of like nightclub feeling at the Applebee's. Yes, this is real. I am listening. As someone who's living in St. Louis right now and doesn't have a night, like doesn't have anything to do at night place i have down to hang at the bees go check

out the bees oh and i guarantee you in st louis it's open oh yeah we love applebee's here well the idea that i feel like tennessee did no social distancing at all like right this is oh this yeah this is tennessee yeah you're right they didn't do tennessee didn't do anything so these guys don't care and there's applebee's is open so Applebee's was probably like, all right, I don't know what time it is. Guys, everyone, last call. Get your last drink. They're like, what? They start flipping tables. Are they thinking at that point, if we flip

enough of these, they're going to say we can stay for longer? That's how you change laws in Tennessee. That's a good call. Flipping tables. That's how a bill becomes a law law that's the first part of that tennessee version i am flipping counties yes i'm only a bill until some people started flipping uh also that my favorite part i worked in bars for so long in chicago and la that always when

something like bad happens like a fight even like a verbal altercation between two people or in this case flipping tables the moment after it happens when the person still has to quietly sign for their tab is always terrible because you're like does it can i use your table to do it because you flipped your own right it goes to another table. There's always like still of like, that guy shouldn't have said, like, I know, man. He just shouldn't have. Let me just.

What's 15%? And then as soon as they're done, they go back. You know, they usually shove it away in a mad way or whatever. But there's that window in between. Were people eating at these tables that they flipped? Did they flip? Did they go around like ceremonial style? Yeah, were there two for 20 sizzling combo

platters flying through the air? Fajitas. Hot fajitas. How many half-price apps landed on the floor? How many half-price apps were wasted? Not my skins. Loaded skins, bro. According to reports from Kingsport Police Department,

Derringer Barton, has there ever been... If I had just read you the name, you'd be like, this guy flipped a table? Derringer Barton. Has there ever been... If I had just read you the name, you'd be like, this guy flipped the table. Derringer Barton. Derringer Barton. You might as well... Your son is born with priors if you are naming him Derringer Barton. Also, no first names on this kid

whatsoever. Derringer Barton. Derringer Barton sounds like the gun he's going to use to kill someone. Or, and we said this... Derringer's a little cute gun. Derringer Barton sounds like the gun he's going to use to kill someone. Or, and we said this. Derringer's a little cute gun. Derringer Barton sounds like a character from a Coen Brothers movie. A hundred percent. Yes.

It sounds like a guy who's going to get away with it. It sounds like this family has money. Derringer. That's the other way. Yes. That's kind of what I'm thinking is that this kid gets away with a lot. Well, the next name. Wait for the next name.

He should be the third, Dan, like Darren Jabardin III. Well, the next name is very much in line with that. The other person who was flipping tables is named Blakely Marsh. If that is not the name of somebody who is a red herring in a Law and Order episode, then we have failed. That's where you go to dump

a body is Blakely Marsh. That's his neighborhood spot. No one's going to look is Blakely Marsh. Yeah. That's the neighborhood spot. No one's going to look in Blakely Marsh. Let's just dump the body there. They were arrested Saturday night in the parking lot of Applebee's on East Stone Drive. The reports say the officers arrived to the restaurant on 1045 p.m. That is an early last call, but you got to abide. After receiving calls about customers flipping tables.

If you're the cops, you're like, who wants to go? Because we got another situation at the B's. But I love that they flipped the tables and then just hung out in the parking lot afterwards. Right. Well, when officers pulled into the parking lot, they saw a man, later identified as Blakely Marsh, getting in a black pickup truck and employees chasing him and pointing at the truck. That's a whole scene that you pull up on. That's the truck. That's a whole scene that you pull up on. That's the one.

Right. Officers pulled over the truck outside of the restaurant and spoke with Barton, who was driving. The report says Barton was asked to get out of the truck and appeared to be unsteady and have bloodshot eyes and slurred speech. So he looked like Michael Jordan in The Last Dance? There you go. Barton.

Oh, my God. I have been dying to make that reference. That is so funny. I've been waiting. make that reference. I, that is so funny. I've been waiting. I literally, I'm just watching the last dance and I'm like, are we not talking about his eyes? Like it needs to be addressed.

That was brilliant. Thank you. The director said that he filled that, that glass with whiskey a few times. Oh, I was like, maybe he was up all night editing it. I don't know.

I mean, when he laughs at gary payton you're like oh you're boozing wasted yeah yeah oh yeah he's drunk for sure i didn't even think about that like i yeah i i could talk i have so many thoughts about it that just brought me so much delight because i've been watching it alone and i'm just like his eyes no one we're with you i actually had that thought during the last two episodes. I was like, can I get a comedian's roundtable together of just like CJ Toledano and Nikki, you in a heartbeat, the Sklars.

Please, because I know nothing about it except what I know from this. And I'm fascinated and obsessed. Sure. And so, please include me. I can tell you, you'll get to know more because they are making a documentary about Steveve kerr are they really yeah yeah there's a documentary coming out about okay so in steve when steve kerr and as a comedian have you finished it yet nikki what no i'm just four episodes okay okay i don't want to give anything i don't want to give it away but so i'm going to tell you there's a moment where steve kerr has like a really big moment in in in one of the championships. And he's been through a lot in the season and he's been through a lot in his

life, but he, he speaks at one of those post parades, like celebrations in grant park. And he speaks, there's like 180,000 people. There are hundreds of thousands of people that crush it. And he does one rushes in a way that we,

as comedians wish we could crush. He gets, and it's just short, but he gets. One joke. One joke. And he gets, tells it perfectly. The timing is perfect. Oh my God. I want you to watch it and just be like, I love this guy so much.

I mean, you love him anyway. I can't wait. I already do love him. Like, I just, I don't know. Literally, I don't know anything about anything. He's a brilliant guy. And he, you know, when he does the talking heads, like whenever he's on, I'm like, oh, it's going to be interesting what he said.

I just got to the part where a guy from the Pistons was like talking about when they left without. Oh, Isaiah Thomas. Yeah. And then Isaiah Thomas. And then they show Jordan the footage. And who do you just out of curiosity? I know this is off topic, but I watched that alone last night. And I'm like, where do you guys fall on that?

Is Isaiah Thomas like full of shit? Well, so the Celtics, I heard the Celtics, there's footage of them leaving before with the Pistons leaving before. It's a Bush League. But it's a bad move because Jordan lost to the Pistons before and he lost to them three years, three years in a row. And he went over to him and he shook their hand. He walked out into the court. Now, obviously, as a Rochelle, Illinois, Chicago guy, guy to me it's like i have my own personal feelings on it but yeah it's complete bullshit and that stuff that jordan said where he was like yeah he could say that now

after public opinion his time has passed and it's exactly what i'll say this later in the thing and i'm not giving anything away but like there are moments where players lose to the bulls and they'll come on the team bus afterwards and shake hands. And that was like a beautiful moment. Yeah. There was another, there's another documentary about, uh, the Lakers and the Celtics, the Lake, yeah. Handshakes, the Lakers and the Celtics. Uh, and it was when the Laker, I was, I was with the Lakers, I think, and Lakers finally beat the Celtics and beat them at Boston Garden. This is in the 80s. And the Celtics came into their locker room

during the celebration just to shake their hands and say congratulations. That to me... Oh, yeah. I mean, guys, St. Louis and Chicago, that's like my favorite thing in hockey is handshakes. Like when the Blues destroyed the Blackhawks a couple of years in a row,

and then obviously the Blackhawks had done that to the Blues, but more recently the Blues are on top at the end when they're like handshakes, and that is just the way it's done. It's cool. I think it's sportsmanship. That is interesting. Yeah, I love hearing you guys talk about it

because it means something to you as lovers of sports, like watch teams have to like... Yeah, you fight it out on the court, and then you shake a hand. And the way he cried when he won the eastern conference or whatever and or no that was the championship the first championship they were like whoa michael jordan's crying that was wild one more question because i don't have anyone who talked about this too and i'm really sorry i'm gonna get you we'll do the show i'm serious i have a million questions how did work after rodman had been on the pistons and shoved Michael

Jordan so many times and shoved all those guys and like caused them so much harm. How could he be so excited? I know they already covered it, but like, was there any animosity? He only cares about one thing. When he's like,

you're going to help me win. Then you're on. Then I love you. Yeah. Well, you were doing to help them win. Yeah. Shoved him from behind, shoved him behind to the thing yeah he like tried to hurt him like physically like so you should and with i mean it's not it's so it's so fascinating i can't even

believe if you have no idea how it ends if you can get a hold of when you're all done with this 30 for 30 aspn they did the bad boys and it's just about the Pistons. Oh, awesome. I'm like, this is like I'm now very into this stuff. It really is. It's a brilliant series. Thank you guys for indulging in that. Let's get back to flipping tables. Let's flip the tables on this.

Our side podcast is the last laugh. Flipping tables also could mean that you turn something around on someone. 100%. We flip the tables. It's more of a turn. It sounds like a fun drinking game. Yeah, flip the tables.

Barton allegedly told officers he drank three beers and had been attempting to drive across the road to another parking lot. You know you're drunk when, one, you're lying, and two, when you told the cops, where are you going tonight? To another parking lot. That's the best you could come up with you going tonight to another parking lot that's i mean the best you could come yeah we're parking lot all indeed i'm gonna i see how that went down too because you're drunk and you're like okay i'm driving so i need to have an excuse of why i'm driving what's the thing that'll get me least in trouble i'm just going right there yeah logic is all why would you walk sir sir you could leave your car here and just walk

look when you see a spot that close to the cole's entrance you don't get it you don't get it uh officers report that barton said he did not think he was sober enough to drive and he performed poorly on the field sobriety tests i'm curious what order those things happened in yeah barton was placed under arrest for driving under the influence. Marsh was placed under arrest for public intoxication. Sure. The report says the bar manager told officers that Barton and Marsh had become upset when last call was announced and they began flipping tables. Barton and Marsh.

It's like a drunk Rizzoli and Isles. You too. I can't. I can't. The bar manager said there was no real property damage beside the tables being flipped, which makes me hope that they cleared the tables before they flipped them. They're turning it into the bees.

Come on. That's story number three. We are done for today. Nikki Glaser. That was so fun. Oh, man. We love you so much. Take care in St. Louis.

Say hi to your folks who we met and loved. They're awesome. Yeah, I will. love you so much take care in uh st louis say hi to your folks who we met and loved they're awesome yeah i will thank you so much yeah i live with them so it'll be easy to do what is my life i don't know your life is just being funny and being great and just we'll we'll follow you to see whatever your next projects are sure and uh this was so much fun though i needed this you guys so many good laughs thanks for doing, shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk it down.

It's Dumb People Town.