Dumb People Town - Patreon Clips!

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

The guys are still very busy, working away at their new show for the UFC, so this week we are giving peeks into the Patreon guest stories! This episode features Jon Dore, Maz Jobrani, Jenny Zigrino, and Amy Miller. To get the full episodes, join our Patreon!https://www.patreon.com/dumbpeopletown

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Patreon fans, thank you so much for supporting us the way you do. We're in the studio, Dan Randy and I, and we have one of our favorite guests of all time. All the way up in Alaska. Oh, he's back. He's John Doerr. Hey, Brandon's so big, and now he's got a baby, so he wants to participate in the Patreon. I'm going to ask you, John, your baby's how old?

Like a week old? A month. Three weeks. Four weeks old. Yeah, not quite a month. He was born February 4th. What's the dumbest thing you've done since the baby was born you have to have done something yes are you ready for this one this one's diabolical you let him sorry i i have to

yeah i would love that um i so i gotta set the scene so the family we're sitting around we're not even a weekend no we're a weekend he's about seven days old uh emma is sitting on the couch christina's sitting on the couch we got uh a baby uh lying in this uh comfortable little cushion that's designed for him to lie back he's covered up i leave the environment everything's beautiful the alexa device is playing uh uh quiet uh reflective music um and i go in and i completely forget what's going on and i casually walk into the living room and i look and christina's scrolling through photos on her phone i'm like what are you guys looking at and i sit down right on top of the baby. John. I immediately

I sit and I feel face. I feel the face of sleeping baby. And to recover from that position is very difficult. Because your haunches, you've committed to sitting and now you've got to pull yourself up with the power of your...

That's very different. So as I'm pulling myself up and screaming, oh my God, oh my God, Emma runs because she's terrified that I've just killed the baby. Sure. But it's the best place to sit on a baby. I'm not saying you should do this, but if you're going to,

you don't want to sit on a hard surface. No, because there's no give. The cushion of the couch has give, so it's going to compress down and bounce back up stick around make it sound there's more don't people tell so as comedians we all know we sometimes you know you got we talk to the crowd and sometimes that leads the wrong way so there was a i was doing a show this was this was i felt horrible i was doing a show in the bay

area and um ian edwards was actually we all know ian is one of the funniest people and he'd come up and he had agreed to be like a guest feature on the show so he's on stage in the bay area san francisco and it's a hot day it's a hot day he's on stage, he's in the Bay Area, San Francisco, and it's a hot day, it's a hot day. He goes on stage and he's talking to a couple guys in the front and he is talking about how sunburnt they look. And I'm hearing this and I'm hearing this. And then I go on stage and I see these guys, young guys. I'm talking to the crowd, I start talking to them.

And at the time, there's the Bay Area has, San Francisco has the the fillmore street fair which is like a street fair with food and tables and there's a folsom street fair which is an lgbtq fair that's like they have like some people dress up really in extreme outfits and some people just you know so folsom is lgbtq fillmore is the other one so i'm on stage and i see these guys and I'm talking to them and I say something along the lines like, oh, were you guys at the Folsom Street Fair? What happened? I'm thinking I'm talking

about the Fillmore Street Fair, but I'm saying Folsom. So it adds another level. Another connotation. Show goes on and on and on. I do my act. I'm done. No problem. The next day or two, I get an email from some guy and he goes maz um we are fans and

we were there but um we were a little um um upset at the way you were talking to those guys we know those guys they had us come there they are big fans of yours they have a skin condition that causes them and i'm like what and they're like yeah and one of them is like younger he's in high school and he worships you and you broke his heart and i'm like and the whole time i'm thinking i'm waiting for the guy to come back at the end of the email and go just kidding right i'm joking no just kidding so it goes i'm like oh my god i feel like shit and now I'm like, oh my God, I feel like shit. And now I'm like, okay. Because that's where you go, maybe I shouldn't do crowd work. Stick to my materials.

Just stick to my materials. So then I go, okay, you know what? I tell the guy, please give me their emails. I want to apologize. So I get the email of the older brother. Yeah. And I send an apology and I say, if there's any way I could rectify this, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And a little while later, they come back to me and they're very understanding and they go,

listen, you know, we get it, you know, and my brother is like a track star and this and that. And I go, listen, if there's anything I can ever do, please tell me. I, and finally I'm like, oh my God, I feel a little bit better, but I still feel like an asshole because of what I did. Cause I'm like, what an ass, like, how was i supposed to know right yes but i'm just i'm just getting over it i'm and and then i open up my email and it's their mom oh god oh god he goes off you piece of shit scumbag on me bastard how dare you i heard what you did to my son and this i'm like oh no I'm like oh my god we already took care of this I thought we I thought we were good yeah yes and she and now I felt listen when but by the way there's there's no moment in which I pull a you know like there's you've seen recently like a lot

of times like there's like a Matt Gaetz type of person or somebody somebody who's like a bad person and they get accused of something. And they double down. They turn it around. Double down. Turn around that person. You can't do that. Yeah.

Your kid shouldn't have been sitting in the front, lady. You think they'd pull that kind of shit? It's a comedy show. It's their fault. It's their fault. This is a comedy show. They should know. This is the world they should get used to.

Dude. I'm making their skin thicker. Or in this case this may be a bad that's a bad analogy bad term you don't know i wrote back just cussing myself out even more i was like you are right ma'am i'm the biggest piece of shit that ever lived yeah you eight miled it you eight miled it i and then i and then i like let her know i go listen i have kids myself i I'm so sorry. And again, it was like just – and then you wait on pins and needles.

You're like, please just come back with – and she came back with, I think, like a, all right, I'm going to let you go on this one. There you go. You basically cut yourself from head to toe and you just close your skin off like these guys. And then – Come on. Don't give me a deeper shit, Jay. I will not.

I promise you. I'm not giving you a deeper shit. The point is you handle it the first time by apologizing to these guys. I just love that the mom came flying in, and that's such a mom thing to do. Like if kids, you should write back to the kids and be like, hey, I just got this email from your mom. That would have settled it because then to the kid and be like, hey, I just got this email from your mom.

That would have settled it. Because then they go back and go, mom, God, shut up. You're so dumb. We handled it. We handled it. Could you be dumber? God, mom. And then the mom gets back and is like, did you send my email to my own kids? And you're like, I'm such a piece of shit.

I'm the biggest piece of shit. I should be in prison and I should be stabbed. I put my own kids up for adoption. I don't have them anymore. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. I like this story because it says, what a hero that Dan is. I knew it.

He is that guy. Complete hero. But it makes – we'll talk about why it makes me a little sad. Yeah, well, because there might be dumb people who did this to you. I also have a favorite part of this story that is late. I don't even know about this part? No, you know about it. It's later when i see

you later after the story you're a post script i love it but what happened what happened an addendum so um i was in denver um i forget why i was there i think i was just hanging out family and doing some shows and um uh daniel was there as well as a our friend Andrew Youngblood. They were invited to the High Plains Comedy Festival. Yeah. And I, being in town, was like, I haven't seen these comedians in so long. I miss all my friends. So I'm just going to go hang out. I wasn't on the bill.

I just was like, I'm just going to go hang out at the after party and see everybody. So went with Andrew, went downstairs, hung out. Daniel was sitting there. Were you drunk at this point? No. No? No. Really?

You seemed like it. You seemed it. You seemed it, Dan. You guys know me. You all know me. I would totally say if I was. I'd be like, yes, very much so. Dan's a fun drunk.

Yeah. We're all hanging out and just chatting, having a nice time. And someone taps me on the shoulder and is like, are you on the festival? And I was like, no, I'm just hanging out. You know my friends? They're like, oh, well, you can't be here. Oh, my God. If you're not a comic.

No, I am a comic. There's the dumb. I am a comic. You guys know me. I'm the king of are we good here. comic. No, I am a comic. There's the dumb. I am a comic. Oh, you guys know me. I'm the king of are we good here. Yeah. Oh, yeah. So I think this is where you interject.

Yeah. I go, I think I just go, it's Jenny Zagrino. And they were like, yeah, I know. It's just for comics. And I go, she's a national headlining. I was so incredulous. Yeah. Like I was like, I thought I was like, I was treating it as though this person was doing a national headlining. I was so incredulous. Yeah. Like I was like,

I thought I was like, I was treating it as though this person was doing a bit right. Like they were trying. They weren't right. But I was like, I was trying to let them act like they were. You were letting them out. You're letting them out of the mistake.

Right. And they were like, well, we just can't have people down here that aren't comedians. And I was like, cool. This is Jenny's agreement agreement i don't think you heard me and today i mean they were trying to do their job but then another part of me is like

being and i love everybody i love we all love adam obviously we love karen i love everybody who helped run that festival but on some level i was like a, A, know your headlining comics. Even if they're not here. And maybe you don't. That's okay. If one of the headlining comics of the festival is telling you this person's a headlining comic, then go. You know what? End of story.

Right. That's it. You're right. Didn't you offer to put me on your show? Yeah. Yeah. He was like, I'll put her on. you offer to like, put me on your show? Yeah. Yeah. He was like, I'll put her on.

And they were like, you can't, you can't do that. Like, it's not, he's like, no, I'll put,

I'll put her on. She's going to be on the show. And I was like, no, it's okay. I don't need to be on any show. I'll go there. Let's do it.

Oh my God. I was like, let's do it. This is going to be okay. Cause also we've all been in those places. Guys, I think one time I asked somebody if they wanted a picture because the way they were interacting with me and they were like, who are you?

I thought they had been at the show. It was right outside of a show. I was like, oh, did you guys want a picture? So we've all been in those scenarios where, oh, man, I just, by the people like it was so awkward but then also like we you and i are both nice people jenny so we were like i totally get you're trying to do your thing yeah but like also this is gonna be okay you gotta trust me on that level it was just and then i love you so much that I was like, stop talking.

Just stop. Not to you, to that person. I was like, just trust me. And then if you get in trouble later, I will go to bat for you, volunteer, as hard as I am going for her later on. It was like my heart was taken. I was like, oh, my God. The support was uh resounding so i went up upstairs uh i forget what happened like i was like okay i'm gonna go because i'm

i don't want to cause any more drama also my ego is so bruised right now holy shit so i was like i'm gonna go find a pizza to crawl into and were you me jesus christ jenny i don't know if you say that line a lot but never forget i'm gonna go find a pizza to crawl into is perfect so i go upstairs and then um it was like some time had passed and then um i guess the girl who had told me to leave was talking to the to the woman who runs the festival yeah karen and she was like she stopped and she goes oh my god jenny's a grito i am so sorry and i had that like oh are you sorry can you say it louder i love that the volunteer is the best so the volunteer was trying to be a hero and then dan was the hero i know you're being a volunteer and that's it.

But then, guys, you know me. Because then I felt like this, I'm being a hero to my friend and to the comedy and what we do in our community. But then I also realized to just this person who thinks they're doing a good job, I'm being an asshole. Such a jerk. You don't want to be that guy.

You don't want to be that guy. So then I'm also like, I promise I'm not an asshole. You have to trust me. What's happening is okay. But I also respect what you're trying to do but understand that yeah i i win we're winning we're in the right right yeah this is how i am with my kids all the time i'm gonna go to brush their teeth it's the same thing i'm being a jerk right now but in the end jenny won't do this as much as it happened but karen then is like you don't understand i want you on this festival

i didn't even know you were going to be in town. Like Karen is the greatest. So she's like, Jenny's a green. Oh, like she's saying Jenny's name to her, to Jenny, as if it's in all caps.

Right. Because she wants her to like, no. Also like, she's like, yes, I know my name. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. Made you feel good. It did. And then I was like, now I'll crawl into a pizza to celebrate. That's right. Celebratory.

The celebratory pizza? I'm there. I'll roll out the pizza. I'll roll. I'll roll. The funny post. Oh, go ahead, Janet. No, no, no.

I'm just saying that it was such, especially too, just coming off of everything being shut down and then like rebuilding the career part and being like, okay, we're starting from the bottom now. Let's do it. I'm around all my friends. And then being like, you gotta go. I was like, you know that thing you were feeling so good about? We gotta get you

out of here. Get out of here. The karma police? Jesus Christ. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Town. It was hard to choose. I just, I don't know. I just thought of the most recent. I mean, I don't know if it's dumb.

It's just embarrassing. Right. I just live like my grocery store nightmare that I've replayed in my head so many times which is i just dropped the big thing of blueberries a big one though you know the jumbo size yep everywhere i mean they were just shooting down different aisles like i was bowling with blueberries yeah and the big ones and the big wait now hold on amy i have to ask so you is this a scenario where you walked in and said i don't need a cart i also don't need a basket i'm gonna be fine why do you know this about me dan of course of course and then you've got some sort

of my arm yes you've got some sort of jenga game going in your hands as you walk around the store like you're in a supermarket to fall out yeah like you're in you're in a round of supermarket Jenga game going in your hands as you walk around the store. Something is about to fall out. Like you're in a round of supermarket sweet where they don't let you use the cart. Yeah, that's the disadvantage. I do often treat my breasts as a shelf in that situation. And I think we have a sturdy good situation, but it's not. Yeah, no, I was going to get one or two things maybe. And then I was just piling on the blueberries around the top. also didn't put that like rubber band around so maybe that's on them

that's on them but you gotta rubber band that shit security at ralph's treated this like a public shooting he was like nobody move when you step on them, it's over. Right. And a bunch of people just froze. I was just mortified. Absolutely mortified. I have to ask you, were you just walking, or were you trying to add another item to your collection?

Dan, you know the answer to this. You were trying to add one more thing. And the one more thing was real flowers. Always buying flowers. No, really? Oh, yeah. So you got everything all stacked up, and you're like, you know what the house could use? Some flowers.

The moms were on sale. It wasn't even food. God damn. And was there a moment you're like, the flowers are right here. The little basket is just over there. It's a further distance to go back the basket like fuck it i'll get the things and just walk it that's also jason like the percentage of shit i'm buying at ralph's that's not food it's 85 and i don't i'm so bad with money

what am i can't send candles for some reason. You're like, oh, I need it. The blueberries were the only food. I need a few of these. Did you drop anything else? No. When the blueberries went? No. Did you still hold onto the container and it just dumped or everything went? Everything went.

I offered to clean them up. I always do that. That's my next question. They won't let me. They responded like I've never swept before. Was there a response? Was there a response? Was there a response? Or did you have to go get someone and go,

you need to come to aisles 6, 14, 22, and 9 with me? And there was a huge response. I mean, everybody assembled. It was the worst kind of attention. They've never been more together as a staff. I felt shamed. Yeah. Amy, was there a moment where there were like a fifth of the berries still left in the bottom

and you just threw them out just because you were so frustrated? You're like, dump it. Dump it. Dump it. Dump it all. No, I kept them. I was trying to pay for them. They wouldn't let me.

Okay, that's what I had to ask. Did you go back and get a fresh container of blueberries? Or did you call those off for the day? I went back. I got another one and I tried to pay for both and the day? I went back. I got another one. And I tried to pay for both. And the lady would not let me. But she also would not stop making me feel shame.

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