Dumb People Town - Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger - Must Love Dogs *

Episode Date: August 18, 2020

This week, Daniel, Jason and Randy are joined by Patton Oswalt and Meredith Salenger. In story one a couple is arrested for walking a dog without the appropriate attire. In story two, parents find a creative way to punish their kid. In the final story a girl blames her behavior on her horoscope.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Salinger Oswalt hi guys hello hello thanks for having us meredith salinger and pat and oswalt so happy to have you guys on the show we are so happy to be here we never get to talk to anyone else but each other and he's driving me crazy this is great this is it so This is your chance to get your opinions out on the world of dumb. And I'm going to ask you both,

and you both can answer this. Do you believe that the world's getting dumber or are we just being exposed to more dumb? Meredith, what do you think? I am shocked, but I think we're being exposed to more of the dumb. And I think the dumb people are allowing the other dumb people to even get

dumber. Like there's no one challenging the dumb people. That's the problem. There's no one challenging them. They get their source of information from one place and they believe everything. And yes, I think we're getting dumber,

but we're pulling back the rug to see what, but there's so many dumb people. It's shocking. Have you changed your stance on it? What do you think? I don't think the world is getting dumber, but I do agree with Meredith. There is no, in other words, there's no more rock bottom anymore. No matter how dumb you are, you can do a quick Google search, whatever you believe, and you

can find at least one other person. And then what's happening is the dumb people have recast themselves as these bold, lonely rebels in a world that doesn't understand them. But it's like, no, you guys are – some people are outcasts, yes, because they are ahead of their times and they're rebels. You guys are outcasts because even the dumb people don't want to be around you. It's this whole other level that I've never seen before. It's amazing. And yet their opinions stand side by side with the wall street journal and the, and this place and that place.

And it's unbelievable that anyone is actually giving these people who are actually not saying anything true. I hate, I said the other day, I said something like those aren't true facts. And somebody said, stop saying true facts because facts are facts. But the problem is now all these other dumb people

are saying, they're like, these are facts. I'm like, those aren't true facts. Right. And by dumb people, you're talking about the New York Post, right? It's easier to just say dumb people than to actually name who these people are. You're so right. We're not

even going to get in there, but here's what we do know. The facts in these stories are all true, and they are full of dumb. Dan gets these unbelievable stories sent to him from our fans, our dumb ears on the ground. There's so many things happening that I'm like, I feel like in the world of dumb, we

are not in a pandemic. No. There's people still doing things that they were doing a year ago with the exact same level of zeal and like- Biz as huge. Oh, completely. So we are- You're saying that the dumb people saw

the new shelter at home measures and said, challenge accepted. Yes. There's people who literally were like, I don't care what happens in this world. I'm going to wear a bucket for pants. Yep. And therefore

we are, yes, we are living in a pandemic right now, but we are constantly living in a pandemic. So let's get into this right now. Wow, good one. Nice, Randy. Circle gets a square. I'll take Jim J. Bullock for that. All right, do it.

This was sent in by Localman at C. Mackey s e e m a k i uh c mackie's been around for a long time thank you for sending this in thank you i love that we have a couple with us today because it's perfect for this story naked couple walking dog are arrested in Hopkinton. Yep. Okay. Yep. Yes. Yes. Naked couple walking dog. So remember to bring dog and leash forgot clothes.

Does the dog have a leash? Do we know if the dog is naked as well? I bet the dog has a goddamn sweater. I bet the dog has those booties on. Right. The dog is fully clothed. Where is Hopkinton? This is from Metro West Daily

News. I think it's near Boston. It's like Massachusetts. That would feel right. Yeah, that would feel right. Well, what's the weather? What's the weather? Now it's doable. This was on July 27th. So they were getting good weather. Not only is it warm, it's probably humid and gross.

He's got stuff sticking to his legs that he doesn't. That's gross. She's keeping the poop bags right under the bottom part of her boot. I just hope the two of them standing by their door, one of them with the hand on the door handle, the other one leash in hand with the dog being like, should we wear our masks? hand on the hand door handle the other one leash in hand with the dog being like should we wear our masks yeah if they're wearing masks i'm gonna float them a little bit of a pass oh yeah it

changes everything about this narrative they're it's they're nudist but considerate nudist and like that's fine so there's other look there oh go ahead pat were you saying i'm sorry are there other aspects of the story because i'm wondering is this their first offense oh no we're gonna get into it tell us the story tell us the story get in the story but Because I'm wondering, is this their first offense? Oh, no. We're going to get into it. We'll get into it. Tell us the story. Tell us the story. Get into the story. But I do think there's a moment where they're at the door and they're looking at each other

and she's like, what am I forgetting? And he's like, keys. And she's like, oh, yeah, right. Where do I put my keys? Where do they have their keys? I don't know. Maybe they have one of those garage door openers where it's like a code and they don't need the keys and they can just hang it down.

They've made their home. That's a lot of stuff to hold the dog leash your keys your loan your dignity you can't take it all with you okay uh hopkinton an early morning nude walk on monday eventually led to a fight with cops and a Hopkinton couple facing numerous charges. You have to have a lot of hubris to be naked and want to start some shit with cops. Police arrested... I love their names.

Police arrested Mariel Kinney and Kevin Pinto. Kevin Pinto. Kevin Pinto? Mariel and Kevin. He's the Pinto of human beings. He can explode at any moment. Kevin Pinto? Yeah. Mariel and Kevin. He's the Pinto of human beings. Kevin Pinto. He can explode at any moment. Kevin Pinto has fought hard for his suggestion of every improv team name.

Yep. Kevin. Skim Prov Milk. Yeah. That's perfect. Okay. Police arrested Mariel Kenny and Kevin Pinto after the 6.30 a.m. incident. So let me ask you this.

Do you think this was a night of heavy partying? I don't. Yeah. That's an all night. I want to collapse, but this dog's going to poop all over the house if we don't take it out. Do it now.

It's early. They're still on ecstasy from the night before. They're still wide awake on ecstasy. They're completely naked. They're not even thinking about it. it's early they're still on ecstasy from the night before they're still wide awake on ecstasy they're completely naked they're not even thinking about it that's right and they go out and then they're like you know but i love that they don't even have a dog that they could just let out the back and be like we'll clean that up later they're like we gotta take we gotta walk this thing like come on i think that they did that this was their early morning walk like i think that they did, that this was their early morning walk. Like, I think that they get up at six today and maybe they've never been caught. And they've been naked all this time.

Walking around early in the morning. Are they wearing shoes? Maybe it's a small town. It's not like mid-Manhattan. It's like they're a little small town. They're naked. Like, let's just walk it quick. Nobody's going to see us.

We'll walk it quickly. Right. Have you been, I mean i are you guys morning do you wake up early in the morning pat and i feel like you don't but meredith do you you don't oh god no so like a couple of times jay's daughter is six so she's up at like at 4 30 no she's at 5 36 30 we still see that time i see the sunrise sometimes are there people people out, Jay? Tell the rest of us. There's just an occasional car that goes too fast. So you could go for a nude walk at 630. I could go for a nude walk at 630.

And a fast car would go. You don't live in the middle of Weehawken, Wisconsin, Michigan, where they live. I mean, they're in Massachusetts. So they're like. I feel like they, who knows? It can get rural out there. But maybe they're in the woods. It can get rural.

It can get rural out there. It's outside of Boston, but they still have the accent. Dude, you're not supposed to do that. Why are you wearing some cotton clothes on, bro? Jesus, bro. Walking naked. Go ahead, Pat. But they both went.

They both got naked and went. That's why I say they're on ecstasy. Yeah. It's got to be a joint thing. I think there was something was going on with both of them. Or, honey, you want me to walk the dog? No. I'll there was something was going on with both of them. Or, honey, you want me to walk the dog? No, I'll come with you. They both went

because it was in both of their dating profiles. They listed what they like to do and they found each other. I love to be in it. But their names sound like they're older. Like, are they on ecstasy or are these like 60-year-olds? Well, see, because that's the thing, right? It's either youthful, like, carefree ignorance or it's elderly confidence.

Weirdness. The dating profile said, must love dogs, and then there was an asterisk. See below. Quote, this is a quote from police chief Joseph Bennett. He says, quote, it was kind of wild. It wasn't the typical day in Hopkinton.

That's for sure. they were buck naked is this he went with buck naked which on alone i'm like i you don't need to use like all cop jargon with me yeah but don't get too casual with how you're describing what this really sounds like a small small small town with one little sheriff who's in like a little hut. Yeah. Doesn't sound like a thriving metropolis. A kiosk. He's got basically a police kiosk that he operates out of. Yeah. And he doesn't know where... It's like you say defund the police to this guy. He's like, you can't

defund us any more than we are. He's like, it's like Mayberry. I think he's got that one horny pipe thing with the... That's right. He skips some rocks. He looks over to his left. He sees some naked people. He's like,

I gotta deal with this guy. Out of a Dunkin' Donuts in the jail. He's like, can we just, can you let me use the walk-in here? This guy's drunk. Let him just cool off

with the Crullers, please. Please. Please. Look, we don't got handcuffs, but we got string. Okay? Can we just grab a little sit still?

Police went to Hayden Row Street after receiving calls about two naked people walking a dog. Not one. More than calls. Because he walked by three neighbors' houses. Right. Yeah. Cut to some coffee in hand guy, retiree, yelling to Donna, who's still in the bathroom, like,

they're out here. They're out here. I'm calling. Should I call? I could see them. What? I know. They're out here. I'm calling. Should I call? I could see them. What? I know. They always leave poop on our yard. We're going to get them this time. By the way, I bet that was the thing that pits people off the most, because again, this is the truth. If you have a leash, there's nowhere to, there's no pockets. I mean, I don't

know how fat these people were, but this is their thing. They let their dog poop on other people's yards. And usually a neighbor would be like, get, hey, and like approach them because they're naked. You don't get to approach them. You're not going to approach

a naked girl. Get out a free card. I'll let my dog poop on your yard and you're not going to bother me. None of those calls came from someone who stepped outside their house.

No. It's hunkered down. That's right. Okay, you need to send someone out. No, I'm not going out there. You're going to send someone out there. I'm not going out there. That's right. Okay, you need to send someone. No, I'm not going out there. You're going to send someone. I'm not going out there.

That's right. Okay, so then, where was I here? Oh, officers, they saw Kenny and Pinto. Kenny and Pinto, the new Rizzoli and Isles. I'll say it. I'll say it. It's the new Rizzoli and Isles. That's right.

Drink every, that's a drinking game on this show. We always say that if there's any two people, they are the new Rizzoliles so drink officers saw kenny and pinto who were completely nude or buck naked if you're a police officer completely no shoes i guess not oh yeah wow you could have a utility belt pinto seems like the kind of guy who would wear skeletons i'm just saying he said completely nude that means completely completely nude. No shoes. Walking down the street with a medium-sized black dog named Lucy.

Cut to Lucy being like, do not drag me in. Why am I an accessory to this I've already been dragged down this road.

I'm naked because I am an animal. Can we keep my name out of the Penny's name, please? Police Chief Joseph Bennett, well, not only can they not

keep him out, they want to start talking about the dog. Quote from Police Chief Bennett,ett according to the officers she's a very good dog relevant cares relevance your honor relevance relevant i've been watching a lot of perry mason relevance motion to strike the statement no the guy who said that right questioned if they were okay which is also my favorite cop question of all time when you are when you are a good protect and serve cop and you want to just check out a person you're like you okay buddy you all right you're clearly if they haven't said what race they are because

maybe it wouldn't have been the same question let me get you guys a coat right oh right question if they were okay and why they were unclothed that That'd be too. That's a two part question. I need to know. Are you okay? Are you on drugs? Where are the clothes guys? Did one of you dare? Did you dare each other at the same time?

And you're both paying it off. Right. I want to know the answer. I'm giving you a chance to create an off ramp. This was questioned if they were okay and why they were unclothed. Kenny and Pinto either said that also is a law firm that will not they've never won kenny who's taking the case kenny and pinto oh you're in trouble it's not good kenny and pinto either said they didn't want to answer or they answered incoherently

which means you were just getting a hot pod like that what did you say is that really what it said in the article yes they either said they didn't want to answer or they answered incoherently. We can't tell. Well, that's a whole different thing. I don't want to answer. I'm not answering you. Right, that's one.

So those are two different things. Why are they one's more Kenny and the other one's Pinto? I can see Pinto being very much like, you talk to Lucy, Lucy wanted to do this. He's like, I'm not talking to you. Answering incoherently, classic Pinto. Classic Pinto. Classic Pinto. Classic Pinto.

To be out nude at 638 with a dog and he's incoherent. Oh, boy. I didn't even, oh, is that, it's Pinto. You're so right.

There is like a happily married couple somewhere where the husband has had to tell his wife Pinto's coming into town for the weekend. I'm just not going to be around, guys. And I may not have clothes on. Pinto's coming into town for the weekend. I'm just not going to be around,

guys, and I may not have clothes on. Pinto's coming to town. Not Pinto. Do we have to invite somebody? How many people have said, do we have to invite Pinto to the wedding? And what table do we put in that? Did you just invite Kenny? You have to invite Pinto, too? Kenny represents

both of them. I like Kenny when she's by herself but pinto gets her worked up let's just say we can only have a it's a capacity 135 room right we can't have both well we're going to find a way pinto is going to show so you might as well invite him okay well we know he's not going to rent a tux during questioning the couple yelled and swore at officers resisting any efforts of de-escalation no if you're out naked at 6 30 a.m you're escalating life yeah you've bumped it all up so if they're not dead we know they're white right that's what we're saying yeah exactly yeah

there you go this makes me laugh for some reason quote from bennett there was a short foot pursuit how long how long did someone try to run before they either tripped? How short's the short foot pursuit? Right. Like half a yard? One block? Short foot is my favorite Channing Tatum animated film. Oh, really?

Short foot? Yes. Great one. Both people ran when they were told they were going to be arrested. That's kind of on the cops. Yeah, you don't tell them. Just say, hey, I've got something. I'm going to arrest you.

I want to show you something with your face on the hood and then do you guys think pinto and kenny do you think they ran in different directions this is my thing i think they first started to go in different directions and then both turned around and ran into each other that's why it was a short foot it's a short foot or dog did they run in different directions while both of them were yelling, come on, Lucy. And then the dog is like, I don't know. Lucy's like, right, right, right. Yeah. The dog's like, these cops seem, I don't think I'm going to go with one of them.

Ben seems to think I'm a very good dog. Yeah. I'm going to become a bomb sniffer. Yeah. There was a short for pursuit. Both people ran away when they told they were going to be arrested. Police caught up to the pair who struggled violently. Jesus.into this is gonna this will tell you everything we need to know about well you're gonna learn it'll tell you enough to have a whole nother scope of reference

pinto struck officers several times with the heel of his palm which means he thinks he knows karate right yeah it's not with the heel of his palm yeah that's a lot of like it's like let me jam this up yeah that's not a motion you do more than once in a row like no no strike you with the heel of the hand is one motion right right and then you got it that's a lot of right unless you're breaking boards it's like benny hill stuff that's a weird if you're a strike it's you know palm punching you've definitely concussed yourself with nunchucks before. And I said nunchucks. Do you think he yelled palm strike every single time he did it?

Palm strike. Palm strike. Palm strike. And he blames the cop for it not working. Or is it a video game move? Yes, exactly. Exactly, Meredith. Come at me from the back. Come at me from the back.

Come at me from the back and move your arm really high and put your left hand on my side. Yeah. And now we can fight each other. Nope, that's not how it's going to happen. We're also dancing. Kenny, not to be outdone,

she also struck officers. One officer was taken to a local hospital to be treated for minor injuries. He's since been released and is at home recovering. I hope that cop found a loophole to just get a little vacation. He's since been released and is at home recovering. I hope that cop found a loophole to just get a little vacation. I've changed my opinion.

They're not on ecstasy. They're on bath salts. Bath salts, right? Yeah, ecstasy, you would just want to hug them. Ecstasy, they would, yeah. So now we're at bath salts. I also just picture Lucy when they started this walk, just constantly being like, anybody want to come out and stop this?

Right. Barking and just trying to get anyone else. Well, you know when they ran, they both dropped the dog leash. You fend for yourself, girl. I'm grateful no one was seriously injured. It was a very volatile situation, Sheriff Bennett said. Police arrested Kenny and Pinto

of six years old. I mean, how volatile could it have been? You know they don't have any weapons. They're on bath salts, man. I know, but still. They're violent. When you're on bath salts, your body's a weapon. That's right. And your mind. And your mind. And your mind.

This also, to me, is like police, stop buying tanks, and all you need, even in a scenario like this, is a good net. That's it. A couple of nets, this whole thing, they would have tired themselves out. I'll go to my friend who whose friend was a cop and i was at a kid's birthday party with him and i sat in the corner and talked to him forever and his theory was fill my trunk with original doritos the small snack size bag he says i can't tell you how many

situations i've diffused. He's deescalating. Deescalated by walking up to a crazy guy with a knife or a club or anything, holding out a bag of Doritos and saying, here, I'm going to give you these Doritos. We're going to sit down. We're going to talk about what's going on right now. He's like, every time it works. Yeah, because it's amazing how much someone will settle down if you make them feel like you care about them. And you give them something.

Yeah. Gave them something. I guarantee give these two guys, hey, grab these two bags of Doritos, hop in the back of our car, and we're going to figure this out. Could you imagine eating Doritos before 7 a.m.? Yes. No. Well, these people, there aren't. We're road comics.

We can absolutely. Yes, we can. I mean, that's. Oh, you're exactly right, Pat. See, these are the days I miss. Like when you're waiting for your shuttle to the airport and they still have just like free snacks out and you're like,

I guess I'll eat some jalapeno combos at 6.45. A lot of comedians leave for the airport before the free breakfast buffet is open. So we've got to grab whatever's in the vending machine. Yeah, that's it. And Doritos for breakfast. Okay, fire Pringles. Well, I guess there's fruit in these Skittles.

Yeah, I mean, they're fruit flavored, for Christ's sake. Or you show up to the radio station and they keep you in the kitchen before they bring you on. And they're like, do you want these? Tony's Tacos came in here yesterday. And this is what everybody didn't eat from the marketing department. You want one of those? Sure. It's six.

I'll eat it. And they're always in those aluminum tins that no one knows how to put the lid properly back on, so it's just cockeyed on the side. Okay. Nobody was injured. They were charged with indecent exposure,

assault and battery on a police officer, disturbing the peace, disorderly conduct, and resisting arrest. How about animal cruelty? I said animal cruelty. Hey hey they're taking that dog for a nice outdoor walk they were scheduled to be arraigned in the farmington district court on monday but the arraignment results were not available here's what we will do to close out this first story one year separates these two kenny and pinto. So we're going to guess what is the number in age. Of the year in between. Between Mariel and Kevin, Kenny and Pinto.

You are our guests, Meredith and Patton. You can go first, you can go Tig, you can go third, you can go fourth. Whichever order or place you want to go in. So I'm trying to guess the ages of these people? So if they were like, if they were two little kids and they were seven and nine, you would guess eight. Okay. We're trying to guess the one year that's in between them. Okay.

The buffer between these two. Meredith, what do you think? I don't think it's young people. I think it's older people who are having some sort of issue. I don't know. Not too old, but their life sucks. Something's wrong and they're having a bad time. It might have been a longer...

If they are older, that might explain the short foot pursuit too. That's right. Also, I think it's a drug situation. Right. And so I don't think like 60 year olds are doing baths also. And I don't think like it's a young person like in there. I'm going to say 47. Okay. 47 years old.

All right. 47 in the end. Patton, what do you think? And we don't know who's older than who, right? No, it doesn't matter. I do. You do. It could also be 53, but okay. Go ahead, Patton, what do you think? And we don't know who's older than who, right? No, it doesn't matter, right? I do. You do. It could also be 53, but okay. Go ahead, Patton. You want to change it to 53?

We'll let you change. I think, I don't know. I'm scared. No, it's okay. You just pick. Go with your gut. I'm going to say. If your gut's saying 53, go with it.

I think 53 probably. Okay. Patton, what do you think? I'm going to say 58. And the reason is someone who's just realized in you think? I'm going to say 58. And the reason is someone who just realized in this year, I'm about to be 60. I'm about to be a senior citizen. And he is going through a weird midlife crisis

and is dragging his impression of his partner. Okay, so he's 58 and she's 56. He's 59. She's 57. And then he's 56. He's 59. She's 57. You're saying much like every wedding where Pinto has paid the DJ to play Clarence Carter's stroking. He is dragging Kenny

onto the dance floor. Screaming into the dance floor of life. All right, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 40. So 41 and 39. 40, like same reasons as Patton, but still playing with drugs. Cause they're like, well, we can still do it. All right. So you guys all went old. I'm going to go young. I think I'm going to say 25. I think they're 26 and 24. They're living together.

They're not married. Their whole life is in front of them, but also have the, the where, not the wherewithal, but the stamina to do the level of drugs that would cause something like this to happen. So I think 25. Okay. Time to know. Mariel Kenny and Kevin Pinto,

Kenny and Pinto, Pinto and Kenny, the year, the number that separates the two of them after a pre 7am a.m. walk, a medium black-sized dog who's very good named Lucy, a short-foot pursuit, and some palm strikes. The number is 31. Wow. Yes. So, yeah, it was kind of in the range there.

Muriel Kenny is 32, And Pinto is 30. Kevin Pinto is 30 years older. Older woman. That threw me because your 30s are kind of your boring even years for a bit. It's in your 20s or when you get older that you start going nuts. I know. That's why I'm not even sure. I can't be sure that drugs were even a year.

We just assume drugs. Very confused. Patton, you know what they say. 30 is the new 58. So I feel like we figured that out. All right, there you go. There's no photo of them. Gosh, I'd like to look at them.

Yeah. We'll put the photo. You want to put it up? I'll share it as soon as we come back from the break. I'll share it. As soon as we come back from the break. And by the way, for those who are listening, you can join the Facebook page.

We put all this stuff on the Facebook page. Photos of everybody. So Dumb People Town Facebook page and follow on Instagram, Dumb People Town. We'll be right back and find out what these guys have going on. And tell you some exciting news for us as well. Right after this break. Stick around. Make it sound.

Four more. Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got great guests. They always have great things going on. Tell us about a few of the things you guys are doing that people can check out. We'll start with Patton and then we'll get into Meredith doing the Jason Reitman thing, which we love as well.

Well, I'm currently, you can see me on The Mapleworth Murders on Quibi, and then starting September 3rd on Peacock You can see me on AP Bio, the third season Glenn Howerton, Paula Pell From Mapleworth Murders It's the best, it's the best And also Netflix, dude, your special Oh, and I have a Netflix special

Still running I love everything everything you can uh go watch it it's i'm really really happy with it and then of course if they want to watch hbo's i'll be gone in the dark that michelle mcnerney well there is a documentary i'll be gone in the dark about my late wife's pursuit of the golden state killer trigger warning it is um it's yeah who she did help catch and uh it is a it's a brilliant documentary by a brilliant documentarian liz garvis yes it's a very hard watch sometimes very hard to watch we watch it all very hard on every level but beautifully done by everybody

involved so courageous and beautiful on every step of the way i I will say this about the Paula Pell. She is, she was a writer on SNL, right? And 30 Rock, 30 Rock, one of the most beloved comedy minds. You ask anyone who's ever come in contact with her. And a lot of people have it at SNL, but even as standup and all that stuff,

she's beloved. And so this show looks amazing. I've only seen promos for it, but it's incredible. And Quibi's doing great other stuff too. Oh, right. Please, Meredith, tell us what. Oh.

Oh, well, they did. Well, Jason Reitman is an amazing director. The best. And he just had the genius idea of putting together an at-home movie version of The Princess Bride. Brilliant. And he's so genius. He had like 10 different people for each character in the movie yeah and each of those characters does one scene from the movie you

could put together the whole movie and have it's hilarious everybody did it from home like shot themselves and um Patton plays um the Wallace Shawn character where he does the battle of wits against John Hams Wesley yep and then I was lucky enough to get to do the um the wallace sean character where he does the battle of wits against john hams wesley yep and then i was lucky enough to get to do the um the christopher guest role of count rugan yep um and was so stoked that because you don't know who are the other actors they're casting and everyone's doing it from home so they sort of cut everything together it's great i was like oh who's my scene with and it's just with with this guy. What's his name? John Malkovich. Oh, snap!

Did we just go into a portal? We just went into a portal. I love that. So yeah, that's on Quibi. You get to act with John Malkovich. Okay, so it's the at-home version that Jason Reitman directed of Princess Bride. So check out Meredith in that.

There's a lot of great stuff that patten and check out his stuff too and we have we're gonna announce this right now we announced it did we announce it on last week we did i think we did uh but we announced it on our show but this is the first time on dumb people town on september 26th we are doing another live dumb people town because the one we did last week and sold out so we're doing on 26th with the great musician mike dodie from Soul Coughing, and he's our musical guest, and Mike Birbiglia, one of our favorite comics in the world

just doing the show. We just rounded up some mics. I love Mike Birbiglia so much. All the mics are on, and that is... By the way, did we mention this? You mentioned this. We should mention this, that you saw Patton in The Good One. Oh, I listened to... No, I listened to or no i listened to uh good one

which is vulture's uh amazing podcast about creation of comedy and thank you for mentioning us as people who support you and what you do because that it meant the world to me i just was listening to it and i saw it and i loved it so thank you guys have been such a kind of a signpost for me as far as i just love that you can you start off with what seemed like the most innocuous topics like really we're going to talk about this and then you spin it every time it is something cosmic and huge and almost zen like it really kind of opened your eyes as a creator to go wait a minute is there actually there actually is something here i gotta look i gotta look at this the way the sclars yeah they're also like the tag king yeah they're also like the tag king

giving you like they gave me like moon tower at your taggett show you guys gave me a tag that made the album dan was doing a bit about i do a bit where i ask the people i go uh if i ask a question tonight i do this at the top of the hour. If I ask a question, it's rhetorical, usually gets a laugh. Then I go, do you guys know what rhetorical means? And inevitably, some people would respond. And the scholars are like, you should ask that like seven more times. Keep going. Keep going for as long as people are responding to you.

And I ended up getting like three or four more jokes out of those moments so so fun well let's jump into another story because you guys are off and running let's jump into a story right you ready yes i love this headline all all of other than me you guys are all have uh direct influence into children's lives right now. Right. This was sent in by Josh Christopher at Barnes comma Troy. Exactly. Like it sounds. Okay, here we go.

A 14 year old steals the family car and goes on a joy ride. So his parents give away all of his stuff as punishment. Oh my God. I have to full disclosure, tell you that we read this article. I read it and I said to Alice, do you think this is an apt punishment? So you can tell the punishment,

but we can still talk about it. I love it. I love that you're familiar with it. I don't know this. I have a, we have a 15 year old and 13 year old. So if either of those kids, which are surrounding this age, steal the car to give away all their possessions right all of them wow you

don't care about our stuff we don't care about your stuff wow i like not only that not only that am i allowed to say what else yes not only did they literally take every single thing out of this kid's room they also made him sit with like a sign, right? Patton, like I am a. They made him sit with a sign in front of his house. And it was about all this stuff I'm giving away. Yeah. So his friends and peers and neighbors could just walk up.

Here it is. And take this kid's stuff. Oh God. And I'm sorry, but those parents are creating a spree killer. Yeah. Because that kid's social life is gone. The rest of his high school career is everyone going, oh, you're that idiot. Hey, dude, check your sneakers out. I'm wearing your sneakers.

He can't like my bike. Oh, it was yours last Christmas? And also, especially we're living in this, we're living in a viral age of cruelty. And middle schoolers are, that's the cruelest age. That's the worst time. The parents have basically, yeah, he,

he took a joyride. That was terrible, but they've erased his life. He has no chance at a life at this point. I love that. It's the worst moment in this picture. And we'll post it on the Facebook page. It's the worst moment ever for him.

Is he standing, sitting on a chair in his front yard? He's sitting on his bed on his bed on his bed on his bed dad say it is his dad in the background his dad's in the background having a margarita having a margarita and scrolling through his phone scrolling through his phone yeah let me see what sports course his parents we went they what they wanted to go to like vegas or something yeah yeah we'll break it down also the thing is, in middle school, and it really never stops, but definitely during those middle school years.

My son is starting middle school on Tuesday. Every kid wants to have things that other kids want, but you shouldn't then give them all those. No. Right. Don't give all those other kids all your things just because they want them. Oh my god. So get into this. Okay, here we go.

Yeah. I'm kicking it off. 14- 14 year old received a creative punishment from his parents after they discovered that he had taken out their range rover without permission and gone on a dangerous joy ride okay now he how do they discover that he is 14 this kid you will also find throughout this story, is very upfront about everything in his life. He's not trying to hide anything about his own, what he thinks was the right call. Do you think this is what, because we never hear, do you think this is what happened to Cameron in Ferris Bueller's Day Off?

We never see the end of that. After he brought her back. That he comes back home and all of this. Poor Cameron. He basically is disarmed. Yeah, but all Cameron's stuff gets thrown into the swimming pool. Yeah. Poor Cameron. out of back that he comes back home and then all of this he basically is disowned i mean yeah but all cameron stuff gets thrown into the swimming pool yeah including that sweater he's wearing uh okay a 14 year old received the punishment quote this is what the angel martinez did you

think it was weird that they were in chicago and he was wearing a detroit red wing i never understood that here he is a sports inequity. Okay, anyway. Quote, this is from Angel Martinez, the 14-year-old. I just wanted to drive, but I don't have a license, so I just took it. I mean, this is Dragnet, guys. Just the facts. Like no reasoning, no excuse.

No flourish. What happened here? I wanted to take the car. I don't have a license. I just took it. I was sitting in the car. car i was joking around i accidentally put it into reverse and before i knew it i was 12 miles away like he wasn't even trying a lot right this is also some teenage logic i also think this is good parenting if he if okay well let's see what oh yeah go yeah no i mean like i think i've said to alice about four billion times like i will never get mad at you if you tell the truth,

tell me the truth. I said, if you say, mom, I did this, I feel terrible. I won't do it again. I'm like,

okay, fine. If I find out you did it and you didn't tell me you're so punished. Honesty is the way to go. That's honestly, when I first read this article, I did not have the sensitivity that I now have about it. Okay, that's good.

Public shaming. It's time. Because I actually was like, listen to this article, Allison Patton. And I read the whole thing and I was like, so beware, kids. Yeah, just beware. Just beware.

But now we're like, beware parents. Beware parents. Don't do this. Who's the dumb one in this whole thing? This is why this show is good. This is also some great teenage logic. Quote, I can wash the car. And I was like, I don't have anything to dry it.

So I'm going to take it for one spin until it dries. Spin cycle. Yes. You know the way you drive things dry. Everything worth it. You know what? That's true. I know.

He made an attempt. Look, he made an attempt at a lie. It doesn't hold up at all. You're going to drive around and get it re-coated with dust and grime? He tried. Every good lie, just give me a little bit of logic. There's logic in that.

It could be that that's what it was. Do you know how many people every day probably get pulled over and are like, I just left the car wash. I was trying to dry off the was. You know how many people every day probably get pulled over and are like, I just left the car wash. I was trying to dry off the car. I'm sorry I was doing it. You guys don't understand. I slipped and fell and stole a bunch of candy.

I don't even. I slipped right out the door into my car. I tripped right into the candy and then just put it wound up in my pockets. And that's what happened. Well, as we know, that explanation didn't seem to cut it for his parents. Ramon Martinez, the boy's father, told ksaz tv that he and his wife were vacationing in las vegas for their anniversary when they got a call from phoenix police now if you are in vegas for your that's your anniversary is going to vegas and you get a call from the

police well that's bad but you gotta love the fact that you're basically raising a kid who's gonna try and pull stuff in Vegas. You know what I mean? Yeah, I guess that's the kid you have, you know, dress for the kid. You have raised the kid.

You raise the kid. Not the one you want. You wish. Yeah. Right. Angel had been speeding through their North Phoenix neighborhood and disrupting neighbors. How,

when the parents got home they decided on the unique punishment quote we got back to the house today we took all of his stuff out his room is 100 empty and we were just giving all of his stuff away i'm gonna go with pat in here you do have to instill some sort of punishment that's right But it never needs to be traumatic. You're not driving until you're 18. Right. And it also doesn't need to be a lifelong social scar. Yes. Unless this kid, he's 14. Right.

He's at least there for four more years. Unless he moves away, he has four more years of losing every argument. Yep. No girlfriend. Yep. No friend. Right. Just he is at the bottom no matter what he does or like you're the kid yeah again all the kids are gonna do is tease him constantly i have your shoes yeah look i'm wearing your shoes man i just had sex on your bed right literally yes

right i wanted to lose virginity i lost my virginity on your bed angel also the thing is this is like don't do anything so bad like this to a kid where they're gonna end up 27 years old in a studio apartment in their kitchen slash bedroom yep and like their girlfriend is going to be saying like i don't understand why you you have this fear of like ever making a mistake and it's because i'll lose everything i'll lose everything right right right i'll lose it all it'll. Why do you sleep clutching your lamp? Well, I'll tell you the story about it. I was 14. Right.

I had some faulty logic. Don't dole out punishments so that you have a cool story to tell at a party. That's right. That's right. You're so really cool. I did to my kid. The punishment should never be the punchline. I mean, by the way, you know Ramon Martinez is the type of guy who listens into other conversations that are happening at a party and says, well, you know what we did was.

We all know what you did. Absolutely, yeah. We know. I know what you did. I have your son's baseball club. Where do you think we got this lava lamp? Of course we know what you did. I'm dying to see a picture of the parents.

Yeah. I care more about what they look like than the kid i just have his dad in the background they both look very young like his dad looks like uh his dad looks like he just got back from vegas you know right um like he can't put together his weekend and you're gonna get mad at this kid his parents made him sit for hours on his belongings with a cardboard sign that read sorry i stole my parents car and was speeding don't also don't incorporate plot points from die hard 2 right into the way you punish somebody that's right or the scarlet letter right why are we doing that right uh they gave away his clothing his bed and a television

set to complete strangers who came by their home mostly to apologize to the neighbors too is the reason they did this he could have run someone over. Something really bad could have happened. But he didn't. Now, Patton and Meredith, the apology to the neighbors. Meredith and Patton, you walk him around to every door

and you say, I'm going to stand on the street. You knock on the door and apologize for what you did or write them a letter. You know what I do? Who are the two or three people that called the cops or called you or texted you?

He's going to go wash their car. Yes. And then drive by driving around the block. And then he gets a day for a pushpin and drive it dry and then drive it dry. Drive it dry. Drive it dry. Right.

I'm a drive dryer. I'm a drive dryer guy. Also, I'm sorry. Who in the hell wants a 14 year old's used bed? Isn't that the last thing You ever want to sleep on? That bed spread

I want to say it's stiffer than Captain America's shield Exactly It's impenetrable even by the Adamantium clog from Wolfrey Seriously like Hey, do you want our 14 year old son's bed? impenetrable even by the adamantium clog from Wolfrey. Seriously, like, hey, do you want our 14-year-old son's bed? Yeah. Yeah.

28-year-old stereo cells. It's like sleeping on the crystals from the Fortress of Solitude. Some guy loiters around in dockers that are too crisp, walks up and be like, I read on 4chan that there's a bed being given away like whoa whoa whoa please don't cool if i just watch him hold the sign

no no it's also weird that you're wearing a duster it's phoenix in the summertime duster and dockers also how were you already out front when we were bringing the bed out? How did you find out about this? It's a little creepy. It's now posted on Craigslist. Have you guys ever had a garage sale? If you've ever had a garage sale and you've done it, there's a moment when there are 20 people waiting. They're the garage sale groupies. They're there for the first. They want to be the first one to pick through your stuff.

And they are there an hour before it all starts. It's like a Grateful Dead show parking lot thing. It's insane. And there's a moment where you like the garage opens up and they're just like looking around and they're picking up things that aren't even for sale. That's my kid's bike. We're not selling that.

We're not selling that. What do you do on that dog? What do I do on that dog? It's my kid's bike. We're not selling that. We're not selling that. What do you do on that dog? What do I do on that dog? It's my dog. I had a garage sale once and I made the last person who bought something. I was like, I'm like sick of this now.

Just take everything. Just take it. As long as you get it off my property. Come at the end and you'll just get stuff for free. Yeah. Hopefully you know what to do what's right

and you'll be able to tell later in the years, he added. This is the dad. For now, you know we're just trying to do our best to keep him out of trouble and make sure he understands things like this will not be tolerated. The boy, this is what we'll get out on. The boy took it all in stride.

Quote, it's kind of weird, but I think it's fair punishment, says i like this maybe he's so abused this child he's just trying to he's like got 18 marked on a calendar he's like i'm just gonna go along with this they have they have beaten him into becoming an existentialist like you know what i deserve it i'll never make this mistake again i'll kill you in your sleep i agree with i agree with mered Meredith's first take. He is just beyond caring about anything. Pat, I do love the idea of the only thing he didn't give away was Albert

Kamu's The Stranger. That's right. I need to keep that one. That one I'm not going to give away. That one's changing my life. I drove my parents' car yesterday. What was it saying? I can't be sure. Yeah. Alright. That's our second story. That's our second story. Alright. Can you give us a little teaser of what we're going to have in the third story, Dan?

Someone does something very dangerous for possibly the dumbest reason. Okay. Meredith Salinger, Pat Noswell. We got one more story. Every week on this show. Okay. Stick around. Stick around. Look us out. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Final segment dan take us home brother i will before i do i want to remind everybody on the 28th of august rory scoville and i are doing a live pen pals go to daniel van kirk for tickets for that and if you ever want to do a game night just hang out with

some other people it'll be funny just because inherently that's what i try to do you can go to daniel van kirk for all that stuff as well do it here we go yep i want to just read you the headline because i feel like all of us could do 20 minutes okay we could have just like let's hear the timeline 5 20 minutes sets on this okay sent in by intergalactic walrus love that yes ntr galactic walrus okay galactic yes great cover uh girl who burned ex-boyfriend's car blames her horoscope okay we've made this joke i'm gonna go back to it again we made this joke in 1997 the first patent was on our show on our mtv m, Apartment 2F. He did stand up on it. But a joke he made on the show was Jay was reading. I was reading my horoscope and I said,

something good or bad may or may not happen to me in the near or distant future. And I said, that is so Capricorn. That is how you feel. You can't put too much on the horoscope. No, you really can't. No, that is letting the universe live your life. That's right. That's the opposite of the secret.

That's like where the book reads you. That's right. It dictates every action. That's Yakov Smirnoff's version. In Russia, book read you. Horoscope reads you. Horoscope reads you. In Russia, secret know everyone.

Yes. Okay. Yeah. Okay. I know all your secrets there sydney parham yeah hopefully related to lennon sydney parham was arrested on arson charges for setting her ex-boyfriend's jeep on fire yep okay you will be shocked to learn the reasons for setting her the suv on fire also this this is the thing i don't like i know i talk about it but when an

article talks to me as though it's a person like like when a menu is like, first we took, you're going to love. Like, I hate when I go to a restaurant. You don't know if I'm going to love it. Yes. You don't know. You will be shocked to learn. You'll be shaking in your boots. How do you know what shocks me? You don't know what shocks me. Exactly. What shocks me is that you're so comfortable talking to me as a menu. That's what's shocking me. I got a pair of 10 pound dumbbells from a 14 year old kid you don't know what shocks me you're gonna give a standing ovation when we bring out this baked alaska okay sydney parham was arrested on arson charges you'll be shocked to learn the reasons for setting

the suv on fire syd Sydney says she was only abiding by her horoscope that predicted she will do something bad to her boyfriend's most beloved possession over a little misunderstanding. I will say this. That's the most specific horoscope I've ever heard. I gotta give that horoscope credit. That's a lie.

That is not a real horoscope. That is so too specific. It's too specific. You will walk in. You'll have to go down the stairs before you get to the door you left unlock it are you trying to say this this sounds like a legally advised defense yes i'm just saying that horoscope reads like a psyop you know yes plant these suggestions show her a queen of hearts yeah get her to kill you it reminds me of the old Gary Shandling joke about the fortune cookie.

It opens it up and it says, I peed in your rice. Should these be handwritten? Fantastic. Love that joke. It's a great joke. Love that joke. Imagine her feeling though reading that.

Should these horoscopes be handwritten? Should it say Sydney at the end of it? You will do something bad to your boyfriend's most beloved possession over a little misunderstanding. Way too specific. Also, even if that's true, wouldn't you say to the horoscope, if it's a little misunderstanding, why is it his most prized possession? Yeah, wouldn't the horoscope be like, wait until your moon rises and then figure out the misunderstanding? But also define horrible. She went to arson. I would have been like,

I'm going to leave a note that's in the car that says something mean. That's right. Remember Tiffany Haddish on our show? She pooped in her ex-boyfriend's favorite shoes. That happens. The fierce girl.

She was following her. That's what horoscope does yeah she plans to plead not guilty no kidding oh okay because of what she calls constellation behavioral influence stop it that is not a thing cbi baby she says quote it was an ordinary day i just woke up and read my daily horoscope and it clearly stated that the stars are aligned for me to damage my man's most valuable possession and i will get away with it it didn't say that well according to her it did it did not say that i read the horoscope you guys yeah that's her horoscope that's how she interpreted it that's the thing with horoscopes is they put something in there and then you interpret it and you make

it about you right i also when somebody tells me like i'm not talking about a specific reading but any sort of like mass-produced horoscope when they're like yeah i read that stuff it kind of influence how i feel i go okay when it's completely off do you read it again next month yep yep like it's like even when it's wildly wrong like i'll get we'll go we'll just start being with a friend and i like we'll get you know the newspaper i'll show your horoscope and then i'm like oh here's yours tell me if it fits and then I read my horoscope not hers and she's like oh my god that totally

fits you're like that's me that's me it don't fit anyone I switched the drink inconceivable she plans to plead not guilty she said okay she said she would get away with it according to the horoscope parham told uh her best friend that she was not going to get in any sort of

trouble she was just confused because she suffered minor burns to her face but she insisted her horoscope is always on point video she does everything it says yes i know she's always right retroactively it is the most accurate horoscope because you're right she does whatever is written yes of course it's right you're making it that way i make it true right right yeah um also too like i'm glad this didn't work out for her because imagine how slippery that slope would be oh my if it's like started here and everything did like put out perfectly she'd be like oh whatever it says right grab a shovel grab a shovel no no not nope video shot from across the parking lot shows parham filling the backseat with what feels like gasoline reaching into ignite uh with what looks like a stick lighter then things

go wrong we will put this up on the facebook. I'm going to share it with you guys so that we can all watch this video together. Remember, the only reason I'm showing this is because she's fine. It is. People hurt each other. It is. Here we go.

It's loading. We see her putting stuff in the back of this SUV. She's leaning over, putting it in. Then she's going to go to light it. Okay. Here we go. Ready? Wait for it. Oh, no.

Oh, geez. That blew up right in her face and she's crawling away. She's crawling away. Get that gas can. Get it out. Come on. How on fire is that SUV, guys? It's so on fire. So it blew up in her face literally and figuratively.

Yeah. In her mind, she was going to, that was going to be the Vivica Fox gif of walking away. Yeah. Burning car. Yes. I'm hoping that was Vivica. I think that was the actress. But it's that famous gif of the walking away.

Yeah, behind her it's exploding and she's just casually walking but instead you could put like the Three Stooges music that was like Wile E. Coyote yeah it was total Wile E. Coyote or is it what's her name Angela Bassett and Stella got her groove back

or waiting to exhale she was going to burn his clothes on the lawn I thought it was from waiting to exhale. I don't remember. Then it probably is Vivica A. Fox. I don't know. I don't know. This is a fun argument, though.

That isn't even an argument. You know what the A stands for in Vivica A. Fox? Arson. Yes. I don't know if you knew that. Also, I wish there was some sort of social media platform where people would 100% tell us whether or not we were right or wrong. Too bad no one's going to correct us on this.

Too bad none of our listeners are going to come at us at all. You'll never know. No one will ever write the word well actually. Actually. Too bad no one who's lagging behind in these episodes will write to Patton six months from now and tell him that he was wrong.

Okay, let's get out of here really quick on this. We'll close it all out. How old do you think Sidney Parham is? How old is a woman who does exactly what her horoscope says? Provided it even actually said that. Yeah, who knows?

Sets a car on fire and blows it up. It all blew up literally in her face. I know. Meredith, what do you think? Well, I think 27 to 31, so I got to pick one, right? Yeah, you have to. I'm saying 28. 28.

So what is that, Jay? 29. 29. Her Saturn's returning. Her Saturn's returning. Okay, good. Patton, what do you think? I think she's 19.

19 years old. She's 19 years old. I definitely think she's young, Jay. What do you think? 24. 24. Yeah, I'm you think? 24. 24. Yeah, I'm gonna say 22. 22.

Okay. What have you got within two years? All right. I like it. We're in. All right. Sydney Parham. 27.

Sydney Parham is 26 years old. When you went to 28, 29, I was like, oh, I forgot that you switched up to 29, so you were within three. I was within two. I said 24. That's right. So maybe he's closer. You're so good. You're out the gate

feeling early is always so strong. I got my wolf instincts. You got good guts. Trust your horoscope. Trust your instincts. We trust you guys all the time. What a treat it was. And thank you guys so much for just being a part of this. We love you both. We had the best time.

Everybody check out the Jason Reitman The Home Version Princess Bride, AP Bio, Patton's stand-up special. I love everything. I love everything. Get your tickets for the live Dumb People Town on September 26th.

Mike Birbiglia and Mike Doty. And oh shit, we got dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry Down is Dumb People Town. Starbends Audio, a podcast network.