Dumb People Town - Patton Oswalt - Swing It Wherever You Want

Episode Date: August 21, 2018

This week, comedic genius Patton Oswalt visits Dumb People Town!  Story 1: a grilled chicken dispute. Story 2 brings us a man who tells investigators he wasn't drinking and driving, but was only drinking bourbon at traffic signals and stop signs. Story 3 is the tale of a man who can accomplish some wild things with watermelons.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, Dirk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, come here down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Patton. I love that there's only one.

Patton is sort of moving into the area of losing his last name. Yeah, we just really just have to say Patton. No, I'm not. It's just Patton. It's just Patton. Patton's here. It's just Patton, by the way. Could be a show.

It's just Patton. It's you and Raven-Symoné just trying to figure it out. Oh, God. Just trying to figure it out. It's Patton. Welcome to just Patton, it's you and Raven-Symoné just trying to figure it out. Just trying to figure it out. Hi. Welcome to Generally Patton. You know, today we've got some fantastic guests and a couple of cool-off summertime recipes.

By the way, I would pay to watch week in, week out Patton Oswalt and Raven-Symoné build an Ikea shelf. Just a new piece of Ikea. That's right. It's just Patton.

It's just Patton. It's just Patton. That's all it is. All good fights start with an Allen wrench. That's it. That's true. That's what we... We always said that Sklar is what they call the wrench that they use at Ikea.

Yeah. You get your Sklar and it's got a little umlaut. But it has an extra A. That's what I think it has. So, all right. So we already gave Patton a little insight into this show. The rules are the world's getting dumber. We know that, right?

Oh, wow. Look around you, people. Let me ask you this. What do you think is happening faster, the dumbification of the world or global warming? Oh, my God. Because I actually think, like, the two are neck and neck. They're competing.

Well, you know, I think that the reason that they're... I would say they're neck and neck, and the reason is because global warming should be sending us into a panic, and the fact that it isn't proves that there are... How dumb we are. That there are enough dumb people so that the panic... I mean, there are, look, there are smart people that are literally panicking.

They're talking about the event that's coming in two or three years where there's no turning back. But we have enough dumb people that that doesn't get through. That's right. And they're okay with it. So maybe it's interconnected. The only way that we can do that... Sorry, what a disturbing way to start to do some comedy. No, no, no. But look, do we have weapons to fight back? Yeah, we have the weapon, the quiver, the arrows in our quiver that is comedy. So let's fight back.

Dan, you got a great story. I do. Here we go. Sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH underscore 3K. And I've stated Hiltner and it's pretty good. Fantastic. Hiltner Garden Suite. It is not a hotel, but somehow I'm a member of the Hiltner Honors Program.

It's Hiltner Dishonors. Dishonorably discharged by Hiltner. Dishonorably discharged by Hiltner. I'm a big fan of the daughter, Marseille Hiltner. Yes. The Hiltner sisters. Yeah, the Hiltner sisters. Marseille and Leon.

She's actually really thoughtful. She's very thoughtful, very quiet, and just wonderful. That has a small bookbinding business. She loves to read! Alright, what do you got? Ready? Here we go. Fort Pierce, Florida. Of course. Already.

Of course. We're there. Let's just start riffing right now. Don't even need to hear the story. I hear the humidity is settling on me. There's an alligator and a jockstrap and someone's on a jet ski with nine dildos in them. Here we go. Only talking on the exhale.

Fort Pierce. I could just do the first four words and this isn't the entire sentence. Ready? Yes. Upset about ruined chicken. Coming in hot. Upset about ruined chicken. Upset about ruined chicken.

Ruined chicken. This isn't just chicken that was poorly made. Right. Ruined. You ruined the chicken. You crucified this chicken. Yep. Let's find out how it was ruined.

Two guys that are married. I'm making this chicken. Yep. But let's find out how it was ruined. Two guys that are married. I'm making this up. Two guys that are married to sisters. So they're brothers-in-laws, but not related. Sure. Okay. In my theory, they argued for 45 minutes about how one of them was going to fuck up the chicken on the grill. Yeah.

That was my theory when I first read the sentence. If you don't watch it, you're going to ruin that chicken. You're going to ruin it. You're going to ruin that chicken. For life. For life. Hang on. You're going to ruin that chicken for life. For life. Hang on. You're going to give us the...

And we're guessing what the story is? No, no. He'll just give us the detail. He's just... When I hear that upset about ruined chicken, I just picture two guys who don't get along fighting over a grill. Oh, I had a bunch of scenarios in my head. I had one where someone ordered delivery, and the guy that delivered it, it was like

somehow he smashed the box or something. He ruined it. And then a fight happened on the driveway or something. It was like a fight. Oh, a driveway fight? Yeah. Ruined chickens. Classic Florida mood.

And then there was one where a neighbor's septic tank leaked into the other person's yard who was keeping chickens. Yeah. And all the chickens were either deformed or ruined or something like that. Like, yeah. So many ways we could go. Walks over with the ruined chicken. Look at him! Look at him! Here's the full sentence. Upset about ruined chicken,

John Matthews is accused of doing what others might not. Oh my god. Jesus, that's cryptic. His name says he could deliver the news, but his actions make him part of it. Part of the news. This isn't burying the lead. This is entombing the lead.

Which I love. It says, accused of doing what others might not. The next sentence is just this. Also, we should know, we're going to dig deep into also the person who wrote this article. That's always great, too. Inject yourself in it. Here's what they wrote next. Swinging a boat anchor around and cursing at high volume.

Swinging a boat anchor. That's the first thing you grab. Yeah. Okay, put a boat anchor on the wall that Bruce Willis in Pulp Fiction. Where does it go? Is it before the samurai sword or after the samurai sword in Pulp Fiction, where does it go? Right. Is it before the samurai sword or after the samurai sword

in Pulp Fiction? I mean, Chekhov says if you have a boat anchor in your first act, the character has to swing it around and start yelling obscenity. He did say that.

They did that in the cherry tree. They did that in the cherry tree. We're all assuming it's attached to a rope, right? I think it's attached to a chain. Yeah, it's a chain. Ooh, you could go

chain anchor. See, I'm just used to Wisconsin boating and it's just a little like. Yeah, it's a chain. Ooh, you could go chain anchor. See, I'm just used to, like, Wisconsin boating, and it's just a little, like... Yeah, I feel like chain. Chain. Because you can't... If it's not attached, you can't really swing it. Right. You know, then you would just brandish it.

And you can't... But, like, in his defense, if you're swinging a boat anchor, it said that he was shouting obscenities at high volume. You can't whisper at that point. No. When you're waving... Yeah, you're not swinging an anchor, being like, can I talk to you for just one second?

But hang on. Excuse me. There's ruined chicken, but somehow are we near the water, or are we nowhere near the water, but a boat anchor was there for some reason? In his driveway. In the driveway. Either way, it's weird. It is weird.

It is weird. Here we go. The apparent case of the anchor-wielding poultry fan went down on the 4th of July at Fort Pierce Inlet State Park, according to an arrest affidavit. People on the beach about 6.45 p.m. So it is near the water. Okay, and this was a day of drinking? Yep. 6.45 is like the equivalent of like 3 a.m. when you've been drinking since noon.

Yes, exactly. Oh, my God. 6.45 is the 3 a.m. of you've been drinking since noon. Yes, exactly. Oh, my God. 6.45 is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. Yes. Wow. Nothing good happens after 6. Okay. 6.45 is the 3 a.m. of day drinking.

You guys, literally every show, and I remember on Scarborough Country, you said something about a – I've talked to you about this, about a guy, some sports star went into an Arby's at like 2 a.m. and got punched, and you guys said, A, no one should be hit. However, if you are in a fast food restaurant any time after midnight, you should expect to be punched. And it actually sounded like, yeah, that's a logical maxim. People should literally live by that.

Didn't you go to Arby's after your Emmy? Yes, yes I did. To take a festive picture of the after party. You with the Emmy. I remember that photo of you in the Arby's. But we just came up with 6.45pm is the 3am of day drinking.

I just came up with it. There's your shirt right there. There's your shirt. And it's just a guy swinging an anchor around. And the little bubble says Can we have a chat? Pardon. People on the beach And the little bubble says, can we have a chat? Yeah, can we have a chat? Pardon.

Pardon. Pardon. People on the beach, so we are near the water, about 6.45 p.m. And there are kids there. Also, if you're going to go about, you go about the half hour or about the hour. You don't do about a time. Right. About 6.45.

Yeah, yeah. About 6.45 p.m., flagged down a St. Lucie County Sheriff's deputy. And it's 4th of July. So it's 6.45. How much has this cop already seen? He is like, I'm in Florida on the beach on the 4th of July. It's 6.45. He was probably retiring that day. Or 6.45 p.m.

That sounds like the end of a shift. Yes. And what if he had been driving around and was like, oh, my God. Nothing happened. I'm on the way back. I'm so close. And what if he had been driving around and was like, oh my God, nothing happened today. And I'm on the way back. I'm so close. And then someone's like,

dude, he's like, oh God. I almost made it. He pretends to wave back. Hey. No, I need you. They flagged down the St. Lucie County Sheriff's Deputy. The deputy was told a man,

later identified as John Matthews, was being aggressive towards another man and trying to fight. Which makes me hope the other guy was like, I'm not fighting you, man. There's only one person. Yes, you are. You think I got this anchor for nothing?

Witnesses stated Matthews was swinging his metal boat anchor around in the air and cursing loudly toward other individuals on the beach. This is a guy who's, this is his first Fourth of July without his family. Oh, yeah. He's willing to fight anybody, not because he wants to beat them up. He wants someone to beat him up. He lost visitation.

Yes. And he is angry about dad's rights. Yep. And he is angry about dad's rights. Yep. And he is out there letting people know. People got to know. People got to know. Got to know. Got to hear me.

Got to hear me. Someone fight me. No. No. We're all right. Sit down in front. It's the Fourth of July. Sit down.

I'll give you a sit down. The 4th of July. Sit down. I'll give you a sit down. So they say that he was cursing loudly towards other individuals on the beach. Then this is where we start to take a turn into what's wrong with the person who wrote this article. Okay, good. I always love when it makes that detour. An anchor is an instrument or device dropped via a chain, rope, or cable to the floor of a body of water,

such as an ocean, to stop the movement of a boat or floating object. This person is now telling us what an anchor is. Do they have a word limit or a word minimum on that right there? Yeah, exactly. Do you have, look, we got to, yeah, we got to fill 30 inches of column space. We're going to have a big white blob. What do you want me to write about, Dave? Yeah, above the horoscope. What am I supposed to write about? Well, just fill it out 30 inches of column space. We're going to have a big white blob. What do you want me to write about, Dave? Yeah, above the horoscope.

What am I supposed to write about? Well, just fill it out. Just go to Wikipedia. Oh, Kyle now gets energy? Yeah, do a definition. A deputy is a man or woman who has been ordained by the county. I'm not writing what a copy is. You'll write it.

I'll do it. Fine. Give me what you want, and then I'll fill in the rest. The 4th of July is an American holiday, which celebrates the... Dave, I get it. So, me, I actually would love... Okay, so there was one moment where I thought in my brain, listening to that, that I would love the person who wrote this article, if they would have done the whole...

Here, read the definition one more time, and I'll tell you, if they added this at the end, do it. An anchor is an instrument or device dropped via a chain, rope, or cable to the floor of a body of water, such as an ocean, to stop the movement of a boat or floating object. Or my ex-wife, Karen. Then I'm like, I'm on board. I love everything this guy is. That's funny. But just think, in the years before Wikipedia, Woodward and Bernstein would have had to call a sea captain.

Call two. You've got to get two confirmations. So is the anchor? Yeah, you drop it off the boat. That's a confirmation, Woodward. Let's run it. Tell Bradley to run it. We've got a confirmation.

That's what an anchor is. I've got two stevedores and one captain. We're good. It ruins the story. Are they willing to go on the record? Well, they want to be on Deep Background, but imagine if halfway through his story in Jaws, Quint was like,

a shark is an animal. No, we get it. We get what happened to you and all your friends. Half of your arm is off. We know what a shark is. Yeah, we get it. He doubles down on this, the writer of this article does.

Anchors are popular designs for tattoos, such as the classic anchor immortalized on cartoon character Popeye, the Sailor Man's forearms. I love how he put Popeye, the Sailor Man. Not Popeye, the Rabbi. That's the song, right? You had said the popular cartoon character Pope song, right? The student rabbi. You had said the popular cartoon character Popeye

and I was a little lost. I'm Popeye the rabbi man. You thought French connection. Thank God. He was like, people are going to think

Popeye Doyle. If I don't put it, they're going to think Popeye Doyle. But that's the song, right? I'm Popeye the sailor man. It is. Hang on.

I'm sorry. What periodical is he writing for? This came from where? The TC Palm. Okay. And the article, I mean, let's give credit for credit too. I'll be full disclosure. I've been reading this guy's articles for years. His name is Will Greenlee and he

is a character. He's a character. He is like, he inserts himself into the name. Yes. So anyways, if anybody was wondering, an anchor could also be found as a tattoo. Great. Thank you, Will Greenlee. Please get back to the guy swinging it on you. No one considered the Greenlee factor.

The Greenlee party. I mean, what does Will Greenlee have to say about this? Then he writes, anchors are not popular choices for weapons. True. That is true. John Matthews, though, would disagree. He would. Yeah.

He's like, what I got. That's right. Meanwhile, Matthews was accused of, quote, walking aggressively toward other males. Doesn't that sound like we're watching Blue Planet or something? Yeah, that is. Absolutely, that's a David Attenborough voiceover. Walking aggressively towards.

We see Matthews walking aggressively toward the other males, all of whom have angered him with their stable marriages and children who respect them. And umbrellas that have stayed up. He's found an anchor. And he's waving it to assert dominance. It is a... This is a dominance display.

You see? Yes, his anus has prolapsed. But he's showing it. Oh, it seems that the other animal is giving him no respect and being dismissive, as only enraging him. And you see the weight of the anchor has caused him to pink sock. As his anus has prolapsed, another Florida Fourth of July comes to a weary end.

As John Matthews is taken away. When John Matthews was swinging this anchor, could he have ever thought that Patton Oswalt would give him a Dave and Attenborough? Oh, man. This guy was just giving him too much. We've given him too much. We've elevated him. We've elevated him.

So he was, quote, walking aggressively towards other males on the beach and attempting to engage in physical altercations. Someone fight me. Right, yeah. He's asking for it. There was a lot of him walking up to people who aren't looking at him going, what? And they're like, I don't know what you're saying. I don't.

What is happening? I'm with my family. Keep going. Keep walking. Matthews smelled of booze. He said... Wait, what? Booze?

That doesn't... I think there should be some third-party confirmation on that. I think Greenlee is speculating right there. But booze is a word... I know, just the word booze. It sounds like we're watching Sunset Boulevard. Next time you go into a bar, what can I get you? You guys got booze?

You guys got booze in here? I'll get you some booze. It's a beer and wine bar. Yeah. I don't know what booze is. It's a very Midwestern term. You're all boozed up. Oh, Greenlee.

Get the... Who does he write for again? The TC Palm. TC Palm. Get your boot off of Greenlee's poet's neck and just let him run. You know there's an exhausted copy editor just chopping his, chopping poetry out of his writing. Get ready for more of it.

Matthew smelled of booze. He'd said he'd had two shots of Malibu rum. Here we go. That's it. That's all he had? No, there's more. Ready? Malibu rum is available in... Why?

Malibu rum is available in original coconut flavor and varieties including pineapple, mango, passion fruit, and banana. Stop. Thank you. That is ridiculous that that appears in an article about me. Wow. Here's where you're about to get a peek behind the Matthews curtain. Investigators say Matthews started crying, saying he did nothing wrong. That's right under the surface all the time. Exactly.

He was saying that to his ex-wife. Guys, we're sharing this with tens of thousands of people right now, but there are people who's in their own real life. This is their 4th of July memory. No, exactly. Oh, yeah. And they're like, he didn't do anything wrong. Oh, is it illegal to swing a goddamn anchor?

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry. Just so I know. So when chicken gets ruined, I zip my lip about it and don't do anything. Just so I know. Just so I know.

Okay, so that's the world we're living in. That's the crazy world I'm in. Fine. Just take it. Okay, PC police all over me again. You just take it. You ruin your chicken

and you just take it. That's what I'm supposed to do? That's what I was going to say. When you've reached the level to where you're asking the cop rhetorical questions, because that's their game. Oh, yeah, yeah. Well, do you think if you had gotten an accident that your family would care that you were driving?

You know, like, all that stuff. Like, well, do you think you were going the speed limit? So he said to them, like, well, what would you do? Oh, just so I know. Just so I know. So we're clear. It's a crime to just swing things around now. So it's a crime to play baseball.

It's a crime to play golf. So what you're saying, and you're saying Thomas Payne was hung for nothing. What he said was all in vain. Fine. Thank you. If John Matthews drops a Thomas Payne, I'd be like, you're free to go, sir. Swing an anchor wherever you want. That's all he has to do is drop one Thomas Paine and boom, you're on.

Matthews said he confronted another man on the beach because, quote, because he ruined his chicken that was on his grill. It was a grill fight. I'd forgotten that, I swear. Grill fight. Matthews of Port St. Lucie was arrested on disorderly intoxication charge. I'm going to ask you guys now. Patton, you are our guest.

You can go first, Tig, or third. Tig is the second. Tig decided to go between the two of us once in terms of guessing. So she now owns the second spot. You now know a lot about John Matthews. Yes. He know that he- How old do you think he is?

Right. Okay, so we're playing a round of Guess the Age. Wait a minute. Oh, because I could go two ways. Work through the logic. Let's work through it with you. Wait a minute. Where do you want to go? He was angry about... He was grilling chicken.

That makes him a little older. He's not in his 20s. But he started crying. You don't have that... That's years in my life. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you want to go first, Tigger, third? Do you want to hear us?

Let me hear you. I want to see how you guys lie. Go on third, Jason. Jason Sklar. This guy's 62 years old. 62 years old. And he's got old man strength with the anchor. That's what I think. That's just what I think. Okay. Okay. The Malibu rum to me is key.

Because you don't develop a taste for Malibu. That has to happen over time. You have to try lots of things that you didn't like and then fall upon the rum. I will tell you, not to sway you, but I love Malibu rum in my 20s. Okay, so then that sways me. I think this guy is 43 years old.

Okay. 43 years old. He. 43 years old. He's got maybe a grandkid, and he's just out of wedlock. But, I mean, this is- You ruined chicken. Okay, here's my thing. I think, and I'll tell you why, I think he's 51 years old, and this is why. Because he turned 50 last year and made a big deal like, ah, 50, who cares?

It's just a number. But he's had a year to realize like, oh, God, I'm actually moving into I'm not young anymore. He had the Malibu rum at the party trying to recreate his 20s. I remember liking Malibu rum because of the white bottle that it comes in. Yes. And it looked so cool. Yeah.

And he had that. And then all this stuff started flashing back about, like, oh, my God, I'm not young anymore. He's probably divorced. So that's what made it all started coming up. Sort of bubble up. So, yeah, 51-year-old crisis, midlife crisis. Okay, so Patton says 51.

Randy says? 43. 43. 62. 62. All right, we're covered here. I'm going to tell you right now. Oh, God.

One of you is only two years old. Oh, wow. We didn't get exact, but we got very close. Very close. All right. Townies, wherever you are, wherever your heart may be, get your answer in right now. Do you have a picture of him, by the way? Shout out your earbuds.

Yes, we have a picture of him. And we'll throw the picture up on the Facebook page that you must join. I will show it immediately after I tell you that John Matthews, the anchor swinging chicken, angry, Malibu drinking man with a weapon that looks like what Popeye has. Popeye was a cartoon. I'm so happy that was described to us.

He is 41 years old. And here's what he looks like. Oh my God. Wow. He actually looks pretty good. He looks pretty good.

He looks pretty good. On the outside. Yeah. On the inside. It's a rotting corpse. On the inside he hurts. Oh my God. Military?

Yeah. What do you think? I don't know. Kind of a Gary Sinise exterior, but the interior, Gary Indiana. Absolutely. There you go. First story down in the book. Patton Oswalt with us.

We'll talk about more fun and dumb stuff right after the break. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Patton Oswalt with us. If you want to see him live, which if you have not seen him live, I'm going to make you see him live. He's one of our favorite people and one of our favorite comics. And he's on his game in a way that he's just gotten better. I mean, again, specials come out and there's a feeling of people just putting specials out.

But I actually feel like you just keep getting better with every special. If you haven't seen the specials, go check them out. And then go see him live on September 15th in Pennsylvania. Where? At the Parks Casino on Saturday, September 15th. Come see me. It's going to be a very, very fun show. What part of Pennsylvania is that in?

Ben Salem. Ben Salem? Or Ben-salem. I know I'm... One of those is the right pronunciation. Let me just say... Come and tell him how we pronounce it wrong. Yeah, exactly.

That's what we want you to do. Get in his face about the pronunciation. Well, just say. Come and tell him how he pronounced it wrong. Yeah, exactly. That's what we want you to do. Get in his face about the pronunciation. Well, let's fill it up. If you're anywhere near there, let's fill that show up with Big Time Combo Facts. And tell him you heard him here.

And that'll be a wonderful thing. Dan, do we have a second story? We do. Oh, boy. Here we go. Sent in by Justin Roth at Joth11. Sends in a lot of great stories.

This is Eric, a couple back-to-back loyal townies. This is also from the tcpalm.com. I don't remember it being as fun. Is it a Greenlee? I don't think it is a Greenlee. I don't think it is a Greenlee.

Greenlee is like the Caldecott Award winner. He really is. It's like a dumb seal of approval on it. Indian River County. Earl Stevens Jr. Junior. Yep, ESJ. indian river county earl stevens jr junior yep esj told investigators he was not earl stevens was like to me the guy who tried to do comedy country albums like like ray stevens right he's like i can't I can't do it. There already is a Ray Stevens. But he doubled down.

Well, we're running around naked. Yeah, you mean the street? He was a guy where the country music, his country music wasn't as good, and the funny part wasn't as funny. Like, it was just not great. Right, right. He just got real. He did one about a guy,

just a guy running with his shirt off. We were like, what? Grandma got sick last Christmas. So not run over by a reindeer, but like, she did a couple of funny things. Ahab the Pakistani. We're like, well, okay, I guess. He's kind of a good guy. I don't know.

Earl Stephen Jr. told investigators he was not drinking while driving. Instead, he was downing his bourbon only while stopped at traffic signals and stop signs. That makes sense. And they let him go. Okay, next story. He's fine. Pinnacle dumb people town. Dumb logic.

Let me ask you this. So many states in our country and cities, towns, whatever, probably municipal law, you can't be on your phone while driving. Do you feel like you're breaking the law when you're at a stoplight and on your phone? Do you feel like, well, I'm stopped. Texting? Texting?

Yes. Are you like, well, I'm stopped. Yeah. He's kind of right. Except the problem is when you text someone at a stoplight, that doesn't carry through to two minutes later. It doesn't impair your judgment three minutes later it doesn't impair your judgment three minutes later

when you're driving yeah it's true but I will say this we were in we were in New Orleans doing shows and friends we met them for drinks

before the show they when was the last time you were in New Orleans a couple of years ago I was there kind of recently it's pretty relaxed

yeah yeah so we are at a bar with our friends we're like oh man we gotta get to our show and they're like, oh, man, we got to get to our show. And they're like, okay. They go to the bar. They ordered another beer.

Right. They go to the bar. We're like, we have to leave. You're driving us to the thing. He's like, that's all right. We'll just get a to-go cup. Pour it into this plastic cup. Yeah, yeah.

Put it on the, move some of his kid's stuff in the minivan. Put it in the middle console. I was like, let's go. There's big drive-through slurpy booze places. What are those things? It's called a hurricane. But it's like the size of a big gulp. Yes, and that's just filled out and you just drive it out. I'm telling you guys, up at the

cabin, right next to the flea market, up in Scottson, there's a little bar called Jim's and when you walk in on Saturday morning to order your Bloody Mary or be a screwdriver, they ask you for here or to go. For here or to go? Wow. Yes. They want to let you know. So this guy comes from

the to-go culture. He's saying... And he's saying, I'm being responsible. I'm doing this when I stop. I didn't have one drink while driving. I had many at that stop sign back there. Yes. Right. I was at the stop sign for 11 minutes. Which is beautiful dumb people town logic. Totally. It is. The only scary part

in this case, you could hurt somebody, but I love the dumbness. Again, I don't think, I will say, I'm going to say right off, no, his argument and logic did not work, but there was a second and a half pause from the cop. Oh, hang on.

Wait, no! There was that moment of, oh, shut up. And where the cop was like, I'm going to tell everybody this. Yeah, this is going out. Let's put it on our Facebook page. That's going out on the,

honey, honey. Or she was, she was the cop. She was like, honey, honey. Yeah.

To her wife. So instead, he was downing bourbon only while stopped at traffic signals and stopped signs. Stevenson explanation, however, didn't keep him out of jail on a DUI charge

following the June 27th incident in Vero Beach. Vero Beach, like many beaches. I'm joking. A beach is a collection of sand or rock glass. But it's a DUI, not a DWD, driving while drinking. So even if he's right, he's wrong. That's not what the rule is. Right, exactly.

He went to literal town. Yeah, he went to way. He did go to literal town. He was like, watch me AP English my way out of a DUI charge. Here we go. You know what? I'm thinking about representing myself. I would.

Everyone's like, I would, man. You got it. Indian River County Sheriff's officials went to a McDonald's in the 700 block of South US 1 in Vero Beach for a possible disturbance. So he's creating trouble. It's not just his driving. A woman said a vehicle behind her in the drive-thru kept striking her rear bumper. Could you imagine?

Oh, my God. You've already made the bad decision late at night to be at a McDonald's. Like, you've already, you in your heart. It's your rule. Well, it's my rule. Imagine a woman who's like, you know what? I'm going to go to McDonald's. I shouldn't.

I shouldn't. But I deserve it. I've been so good all week. Right. This will be my cheat day. This is my cheat day. I'm going to get a 20-piece McNugget, and I'm going to eat it in 30 seconds. Yeah.

She's like, before I get home, and I'm going to throw it in. You're not even going to enjoy it. I just want it in me. I just want it in me for a quick second. I just want to inhale it. And then this guy starts pumping her from every- And she's like, I shouldn't have come. You guys, one time in Chicago, it was like 1.30 in the morning.

Wait a minute. Does it take place at the Winner's Circle? We've been. I go there every time I'm on. Oh, my God. Give me a char dog and some fries. A little shake. A little bit of attitude.

Here you go, asshole. I know. I was driving on like, I mean, some north-south street, and this person is just riding my ass and riding my ass. And I'm like, they're going to fucking hit me. I get to a stoplight. I just fling open the door, and I get out, and I go, what? What?

I get back in, my buddy Bradford and my cousin Kenny, and they're like, Danny, what the fuck? What are you doing? Why would you do that? I was like, what do they want? But the people looked at me like, holy shit. I didn't do anything aggressive. I didn't go towards them.

You can't do that in life, Dan. But can you imagine being in a drive-thru? This is a long time. Doing a drive-thru and being a woman, though, and having some dude slam into the back of your car. What the fuck? I'd be like, are you kidding me? Because there's nowhere she can go. I'm assuming there might be someone in front of her.

So what can she do? What if there was somewhere and she was like, I'm waiting for these fucking nuggets. Right. Oh, I'm here. I earned. You can mulch that bumper, dude, because I'm getting these goddamn nuggets. Keep going, man. I don't care.

I got full coverage. Keep going. Oh, my God. Full coverage in a 20-piece. Two sauces coming. She said that the vehicle kept striking her rear bumper. When the cops got there, she pointed to a vehicle driven by Earl Stevens of Vero Beach. Stevens says

he's never had a I forgot about this sentence. Stevens said he's never had a valid Florida driver's license. Again, so you could argue that legally, he wasn't driving. He could say, he could almost.

I'm not even here. He is in esoteric areas of legal arguments at this point. I figured it out. He's like a philosophy major. Figured it out. Deputies notice he did have an open bottle of liquor in a brown paper bag in the passenger seat. I just love that that's still happening. That was his date.

That's what I was going to say. I was like, this is a friend. This is my only friend. I'm taking her to see Jurassic World. This is Cheryl. She's a dinosaur fan. She wants to see a stegosaurus. Whenever I get to stop my wee kiss.

It can happen. She just puts it in there. There is. Ready for this? She don't talk back. Y'all ready for this? It's perfect for the quotes you were giving because there's one quote from Earl Stevens

in this. Stevens smelled of booze, saying to the cops he felt quote, pretty good. How you doing tonight? Pretty good. Pretty good. How you feeling? Pretty good. Pretty good. How you feeling? Pretty good. Pretty good.

You just rammed the shit out of this woman's car and you're going to jail. How do you feel now? Pretty good. Pretty good. How are you? You hit her car repeatedly. Pretty good. How are you guys doing?

And it's all one word. Pretty good. It's just one word. Pretty good. Louis Anderson has this great bit about when you're out with those guys they just drink

and they're really like aggressive about drinking like everyone should be drinking it's not and it's always the guy

who's like literally his face is in a lake of vomit at the bar he just lifts his face and he goes life

live it and he passes out again. Live it! Live it Live it Live it He said he was Jim Beam bourbon Jim Beam bourbon From Kentucky

Is derived of Three different flavors No it's not Oh get out of here From the bottle Wait wait That is not That was

Dan just fucking You sold it I did sell it Beautifully It's my buddy Jim He said he was drinking Jim Beam A true story In my family It's my buddy Jim. He said he was drinking Jim Beam. A true story in my family. He's called Uncle Jim.

We're like, got some Uncle Jim if you guys want some. He's a George Thurgood fan. Uncle Jim. From the bottle in the passenger seat, he said he was drinking, quote, at stop signs. He further explained he was not drinking while the car was moving and only when stopped for stop signs and traffic. And he definitely did this with his arms around the cops like that. Guys, we're all cops here.

Sing it with me. Mother, mother, oh shit. After all these years. Sir, we don't know any Buffett. You know Buffett. By occupation. By the way, everyone's around him and he says, come here. By occupation, just not around.

I feel like I'm pretty good. Sir, you got to stop singing the Buffett. We're all cops here. Guys, can we disagree we're all cops? If you're the cop. But we aren't. If you're the cop, too, you're like, keep going, man. Tell me all about your process.

What else, man? Where's he going? He's on the slide in the playground. Just let him. Just drinking and stops. You got any Red Bulls you're working on tonight? Here, put that. Can we put this wonky talky away for a sec?

I don't want him listening. They definitely shushed people that weren't being naked. He said he imbibed, quote, actively from Port St. Lucie to Indian River County. Lots of stop signs and traffic signals are between Port St. Lucie and Indian River County. That's why he picked that route. Stevens participated in field sobriety exercises. If you guys want me to, I'll do it. I'll do it.

Let's do this. Can we do it at a stop sign? And was arrested on charges of DUI and driving without a license. Are we going to get the guest's blood alcohol? You knew it. At the Indian River County Jail breath tests measured Stephen's

blood alcohol content level at Okay, here we go. Okay,.08. They gave two numbers because I think they did a time part. We're going with the highest number that we had. Let's go with the highest one. The legal limit is.08.

Okay. Do you want to go first, Tigger, third? I'll go first on this one. Okay. All right. 1.8. 1.8. Oh, that's fair.

That's fair. That's fair because he kind of had some ability. No. He wasn't obliterated. 1.8, guys, is a lot. Is a lot. He'd be dead, Pat. No.

No. No. No. No. No. No. There are people who register a three for sure. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. A three point? Yes. Three. Wait. Am I thinking wrong? I thought it was all points.

He's saying.18. Okay. He's saying.18. 1.8 is insane. .18. Maybe I said 1.8, but I meant.18..18. I knew what he meant. Yeah. Okay..18. He's saying.18. 1.8 is insane. Maybe I said 1.8, but I meant.18. I knew what he meant. Because you know why?

Because he was still using adjectives. Exactly. Pretty good. I'm pretty good. Yeah. All right. I'm going to say, wow. I'm going to say.24.

Okay. I mean, it's all straight. It's not beers. Right. We're talking about a bottle of Jim Beam.24. Okay. I mean, it's all straight. It's not beers. Right. We're talking about a bottle of Jim B. Oh, yeah. Oh, I didn't even consider that. Yeah.

So it's a bottle. But only a stop sign. I know. Yeah, but that was a long. Oh, okay. I have another reason for saying 0.18. Okay. Because he remembered his route.

He was able to say, I went from here. So he still had some cognizance. Enough to be. Right. Maybe this guy's got a killer tolerance. I'm going to say.21. Point. Wedge in between.

.21. Yeah. All right. Okay. So Patton, what was yours? .18. .18. .24.

.24. .21. Okay. For Randy. All right. Get your answers in now, Townies. Because Earl Stevens Jr., the stop sign drinking bandit, was doing pretty good.

Blew into the breathalyzer. A. Point. 153. Oh, yes! Patton on it. Patton kind of had it because, I agree, the route.

Yeah, exactly. He knew that. And also was, and, using logic. He was using a form of, when he started, when he was sober, he was, oh, hang on. Wait a minute. If I just do this at the thing, I'm good. I figured it out. I think I cracked it. We'll get out of here on this. I looked.

I went to the link. I hope he's not toning down his beautiful, beautiful writing. But this is a Will Greenleaf. Yes! Yes. It had all the trappings of green this is a Will Greenlee. Yes! Yes! It had all the trappings of Greenlee. I love Will Greenlee. I know.

My God. He's two for two on this show. Will Greenlee special. Is there any members of the Pulitzer Committee listening to this? I know. I started to feel, I wanted to check when they, the note about a lot of stop signs

between the two towns. That felt kind of Greenlee. It felt Greenlee-esque. I mean, look, you learn things. When you read a Greenlee article, you learn how an anchor works. You learn the different forms of alcohol. I didn't know there were different flavors.

Listen, you walk away from a Greenlee piece better than when you started. Yes, you walk away smarter. There should be a Razzies version of the Pulitzer, and then they should be called the Greenlees. The Greenlees. Let's give out the Greenlees. All right, give us a little taste

of the third story before we go to break. We have a world record setter for one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. I cannot wait. Patton Oswalt is with us. Who better to check this thing out? Stay with us through the break. Hey guys, welcome back to DPT. We are so psyched.

We want to remind people we're going to be in Petaluma. Yeah, we are. This week. This Friday night. Doing a live Dumb People Town. If you haven't seen it live, it's unreal. Petaluma. Petaluma. At the Mystic Theater.

Mystic Theater at the festival. And then that's at 6 p.m. on Friday night. And then at 8 p.m. we're doing a headlining show. The next night Dan's doing a headlining show. So just get a pass for the weekend. That's going to be really fun. And the Drip campaign. If you haven't signed up for the Drip campaign,

there's a chance for you to donate money and help right the wrong with Jan Flato. And just get so much more access with us. Everything from helping co-host a show to all the way to extra stories or add free episodes or a meet and greet or free merch. There's so many opportunities for you to become a townie. Go to the d.rip slash home. Look up Dumb People Town or look for the link on the Facebook page.

We'll show a video. All right. Let's jump into our last. Shall we? Yeah. Send in by at Lancer Rodeo. L-A-N-C-E-R. Lance Rodeo.

Lance is contributing. Lance Rodeo? Yep. I went to the Lance Rodeo last summer. Oh, really? Yeah, I had a huge boil and they were able to get it in under eight seconds. And you saw a baby pig swim. And I really did, yeah. And this is not his first Lance. No.

Say my first time at the lance, boys. The man who holds more Guinness World Records than anyone. I know who this guy is. He was like a Jewish guy who changed his name. Eshita Furman. Right, Furman. Never heard of this. Wow.

Proved once again he is a cut above his nearest competition. Hang on, I'm sorry. Did he change his name to Eshita Furman? Yeah, it was like Avi Furman. And then he changed it to Ashrita, which is very cool. I think he got enlightened, went to Eastern Philosophy, did that. And then he decided, you know, what most people do when they are enlightened by Eastern Philosophy,

they try to break every Guinness World Record on the fence. It's all about winning. You know what you do? You meditate and then you're like, I'm ready to win. Let me juggle eggs while I run a marathon. Which is what it is. It's basically, this guy does that. As it is written in the Vedic texts.

Show your dominance. Okay. He set a new world record Tuesday. Oh. For, ready? Here we go. Slicing the most watermelons in half

on his own stomach in one minute. I saw video of this, Dan. Well, we're all about to. It is. It is. And this video will be up

on the Facebook page. It is unbelievable how he doesn't slice his stomach open. Wait a second. Wait, wait, wait. He has like a katana. Oh, so the watermelon

but he's using but is he doing it? He's doing it himself. How big are these watermelons? Do you want to see the video now? Yeah. I just don't understand how you would get the... But to me, and by the way, I don't know if you're this way,

but watermelon for me, we just had a... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. This will be up on the Facebook page. That is insane He has no protection between the watermelon and his body And yet he's wearing a glove He's like let me put a black

Andrew Dice Clay driving glove on my hand With the fingertips That's the glove that didn't fit OJ Wait a second Does this imply that there was a record for this Before he broke this record We're gonna get into it. I mean, it's like the classic Seinfeld bit.

Look at his mouth when he does it. That's my favorite part. Hey! Yeah. Hey! Okay. So, no, it is like the Seinfeld bit about the guy who caught the bullet in his teeth. You remember his old joke?

Oh, yeah. He's like, how does he practice that? Like, a guy flips it to him a couple times underhanded, and then he's like, with the gun, okay, Dave, this one going to be coming a little bit faster. How do you do that? It's a good joke. Great joke. Okay.

Flipping him to him. This video will be up on the Dumb People Town page. It is unbelievable to watch. Yes, you can watch it. It's unbelievable. It's anxiety producing. For what he's wearing. The fact that he's just wearing like a polo.

Like an eyes-on shirt. Like a polo shirt. Yep. Collared shirt. Okay. He cut the most watermelons in half on his own stomach in one minute. He does look for a minute like the guy who pushed two women down the staircase. Oh, you mean the staircase. Please tell me you watch Staircase, Patton. Did you watch

Staircase? Yes. But I haven't watched the new episodes. I watched when it was originally on IMC. Yeah, me too. Is there a difference? No, no. They've just added new because new developments. New things have happened. I mean, I watched the new episodes. I watched it when it was originally on IFC. Yeah, me too. Is there a difference? No, no. They've just added new because new developments. New things have happened. Oh, yeah. I mean, I watched the whole 13. But doesn't he look a little bit, just a touch like you?

He does look a little like the guy from Just One Set. All right. With the team of helpers surrounding him and handing him the melons. They're not helpers. They are enablers. Yeah, they are. Absolutely, they are enablers. Are they getting paid?

No. Are they volunteers? You go to that thing possibly expecting to see someone go. Exactly. That's why they're there. It's like, wait, why we watch NASCAR? We're like, we don't watch for the drugs. I was there when that guy died.

Yeah, I saw him. I told him we could do it. I was handing him the watermelon. This won't be an official quiz. I feel like he saw it coming. I feel like he knew. Hey, at least he died doing what he loved. He died doing what he loved.

Slicing watermelons on his... My God, what a nefarious murder plot. If you knew he was going to do it, you would get a woman, you'd find a way to hollow it out. Hollow it out, barely glue it together in the hand, and he just goes right through. And then Columbo comes in.

Here's what happened. Here's what happened. He hollowed out the watermelon. I'm going to ask you guys really quick. They hollowed out the watermelon. I'm going to ask you guys really quick. It's not an official quiz because we will have one later. How many watermelons do you think you went through in one minute?

Oh, my God. Just throw them out. Wait a minute. One minute. Wait, hang on. We were watching how fast they were coming. 58. 58 from Patton. I'm going to say 36.

36. 47. 47. Furman sliced through 26 of the gourds in one minute. Six more than Guinness organizers said he needed to establish the new record. Wait, but what was the record before that? 19. Get into it.

19. What is going on? And also, why? That is such an arbitrary activity. In other words, I understand I've broken the world record for eating the most marshmallows. Because people eat marshmallows. But do people slice open watermelons on their stomach with a katana? You've added three conditions to a thing that doesn't work.

Also, Patton, can I formally welcome you to Jumping to Town? I broke the world record for watching Lord of the Rings of Two Towers while sitting in a wading pool full of butterscotch. Hey, you never know. You just added a bunch of things together. But I wanted to formally... By the way, how many times did you watch? I would actually do that. Before the butterscotch started chafing.

But I wanted to formally welcome you because you said all these words in a row which is the most way to be in Dumb People Town. What is happening? Why? Yeah, which is the most way to be in Dumb People Town. What is happening? Why? Yeah, what is happening? Why? Okay.

It went really well, said Furman. My first reaction is I'm relieved that I didn't kill myself. And the second is I'm exhilarated because it's not only a skillful record, but also it's something that I invented. And now it's out there and other people can challenge it. You're encouraging other people to maybe die. I know, exactly. He's abetting someone's future death. That's right.

And he's got to feel good about that. It's exhilarating. Furman, who previously set a Guinness World Record slicing watermelons on a friend's stomach, proposed the new attempt to the Guinness officials who got back to him with the go-ahead. So he had tried this, and then he said, what if I do this as a record? And they said, okay. On a friend's stomach.

That's not a friend. No. That's someone who you know stuff about. I know Patton. But he has the record for that. Patton and I are very good friends. I know you're really close as friends. Exactly.

And they love you. Right. We all love you. I can't imagine if you called Randy and was like, here's what I want to you- If you called Randy and was like, here's what I want to do. If you called and you were like, here's what I want to do. I got this sword. I'm like, I love you. It's from Kill Bill.

I got the original sword from Kill Bill 2. I need you to lay down. I want to be immortal. I got to stop messing around. Here's what I need you to do. All right, time to stop screwing around. And my response would be, I want you to be immortal. I want it so badly, but there is no way.

So yeah, after doing it on a friend, he said, what if I did it on myself? Guinness was like, fine, we'll give you that record. Yeah, the operative word there is fine. I know. Fine. No, but this is where you remember that Guinness is a beer. It comes from the beer. Exactly.

It's like drunk people are like, yeah, do it, man. I don't care. Let him do it. Sure, yeah. Life. Live it. Sure, yeah. Life! Live it! Quote, they came up with the rules and said I had to slice at least 20 watermelons, which I thought was actually a little high because I thought 15 would be safe,

but 20 was pushing it a little. And fortunately, we had a good team and everything worked out well. Acknowledging the obvious element of danger involved in swinging a very sharp sword a little and fortunately we had a good team and everything worked out well acknowledging the obvious element of danger involved in swinging a very sharp sword in the direction of one's own stomach firman said controlling the danger involved a combination of proper aim and just the right level of strength as it went along i had to sort of regulate how hard i hit the blade and and so doing figured it out as he went I'll figure it out I'll figure it out

when I go don't do it 50 times with a pad on your stomach I just for the first time in my entire life went paddle boarding and I had never done it before and my cousin was like do you want to start on your knees

and then stand up and I said you know what I'm want to start on your knees and then stand up? And I said, you know what? I'm going to figure it out as I go. That is something you can figure out as you go. Slicing the thing on your chest and slab it down. You don't figure that out. Let's just, guys, the path is made by walking. Let's just do it.

Let's start. Let's just start. I'll figure it out. I'll cut the path. Come on. What's the worst that could happen? A lot. Let's start. A lot of the worst. Come on. What's the worst that could happen? A lot. Let's start.

A lot of the worst. Harry Carey would be the worst that would happen? A samurai death? What are you talking about? What are you doing? There's so much bad that could happen. He showed his stomach at one point in the video, and it's just he's got a few red marks, but he never broke his skin.

He had a polo between it. Oh, yeah. So the ever popular he's planning ahead Furman credits his success in the record books to lessons of concentration and determination

learned from his former meditation teacher that's what I'm talking about eastern eastern philosophy some of his other successful record attempts

in the past include the fastest mile run with a milk bottle balanced on his head the fastest pogo stick hop to the top of Mount Fuji in Japan, That is ridiculous. and the longest distance walked with a running lawnmower balanced on his chin.

Just die. What? A running lawnmower balanced on his chin walking with it. That, again... I don't know. Maybe he deserves... I feel like his meditation teacher is just like the shame of the TM community. Like, what have you created, you idiot?

You did this. You let him quiet his mind, and this is what came out of it, you son of a bitch. His mind needs to be loud and full of clutter. And distracted. You make the Bhagwan Rajneesh seem respectable. Yeah. Like that's a joke going around the ashram.

Yeah, exactly. It's a joke going around the ashram. Furman has set more Guinness World Records than anyone ever. According to Furman, for most records.

Yeah, oh my God. That should be a record. Inception. According to Furman, in 35 years he has been setting records, he has gone into the record books

how many times? Okay, here we go, guys. How many records do you think he's broken? He doesn't still hold all of them, but at one point, how many has he broken? When did he start? 35 years ago. Do you want to go first, Tig, or third, Patton? I'll do Tig on this one.

Okay. Jason. I have to say one of our first stand-up jokes that we ever did was about the Guinness Book of World Records. It was about Robert Wadlow, the tallest man in the world, aged 11 inches tall. He was photographed with his two brothers who were normal size. And then Guinness, in the caption, I don't know if they were trying to be funny or not, they said, Robert is the one wearing glasses.

They said that. They're like, really? Oh, that's interesting. Robert's the one with the chandelier up his ass because he's on the floor above it of the next room. All right. That was our bit. All right. That was our bet. Good joke. I love it.

Written at age 20. It's a great observation. All right. So I'm going to say 35 years. I'm going to say five a year. Okay. Ooh. So because he had to work up to some of them.

I'm going to, and he broke five. He probably tried some and couldn't get them. So you're saying 175. Yeah. I'm going to say 170. Okay, 170. I'm going to say

there were years of failures. There was a couple, I bet he had years where he nailed a couple and then like eight or nine in a row they're just like,

no. Right. I'm going to actually say 100. 100. Yeah. I am, I don't know why, I'm just like,

this guy is like figuring out records and that's all he's doing yeah he's making them up right so I think he's broken a thousand records and I know that sounds crazy

wow but it's just 170 1,100 okay Jason says 170 Patton says 100 I say a thousand I think you had to have years

out in the wilderness out in the wilderness not 60 plotting and planning look we all have we've all had those years he has in the wilderness. Out in the wilderness. Plotting and planting. We all have. We've all had those years. He has. In the time he's been doing this, get your answers in now, Thomas.

35 years. Because the amount of world records set by Furman over the last 35 years, he's done it 750 times. Oh my God. I was right. I was right. I went a little too far, but I was right. He is just a record machine.

A machine. He's like a record player. Focused. Right. Could spend a lot more time with his kids. Definitely focused. Not sure about some of his kids' birthdays. Right.

He has set the record for forgetting the most amount of his kids' birthdays, probably. He's set the record for letting down his family the most. He has set the record for driving his his family yes he set the record for driving his wife to have the most amount of affairs yes set the record for uh boring the most people talking about the records he set a lot of records there you go yep uh yeah he says 225 of his records still currently stand it's amazing uh but what we come of the watermelon that he sliced through on tuesday he said the falling pieces are being donated to a local restaurant that said they will use them to make watermelon juice drinks. Sure.

Off his stomach. Off his stomach. Yeah. And sweat. Just remind me what that restaurant is so I will never order anything. That's a show, guys. Wow. There it is.

It is Dumb People Town, Pat and Oswald. Thank you. You have an open invite. Coming back to do this. Whatever you want. People, go see him in Benton Salem. Benton Salem. Benton Salem.

We'll figure it out. In Pennsylvania on September 15th, Saturday night. Do not miss that show. Follow him on Twitter. He's one of my favorite follows out there. Just one of my favorite people, and I'm so happy he made it to the town. Oh, shit. We got to get back to work.

It's a good show.