Dumb People Town - Patton Oswalt - Windtalkers

Episode Date: January 18, 2022

This week Patton Oswalt comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is maybe one of the best headlines we've had. The second story is one man's big secret from his girlfriend. Final story is another unexpected object in a rectum.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Tonnies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Oswalt. Patton Oswalt III. episode of dumb people town population population oswald pat oswald the third our great friend who has joined us again we have to do it in over zoom because it's the goddamn omicron but we'll take you in any form we'll take you in any form we'll take you in a hologram dude damn well you know what if i could get a good enough hologram i would send that on the road these days you have a holog this is something said amongst people who are super wealthy like I'd imagine Angelina Jolie

and Jennifer Aniston just talking at a party they're like do you have a good hologram person no I did you know I did have a good I should introduce you to my hologram guy can I ask the three of you I'm sure you guys are all three smarter than me in this regard who names

who names stuff because omicron is the perfect sci-fi like like if if it was 1988 and we were watching a movie about a distant planet where people are fighting the omicrons that's where omicron like was a bad guy we would be it would nobody would quite we wouldn't even bat an eye it would be it would be part of our lexicon of life well what okay here's how dumb i am is omicron a greek letter it is it is it is it is but it also to me sounds like a man with six arms yeah how come no dude and three dicks how come no dudes in cargo shorts have never been in the omicron house then because that isn't that like the most badass greek but are they doing it like are they going through the greek alphabet so what's the letter after omicron so there was delta there's omicron i mean i know

there's deuteron that's something dude wait a minute deuteron deuteronomy is a book of the bible delta omicron i thought they were going through the golden girls i'm sorry designing women designing women either way it was a good joke it didn't need to be right it didn't need to be right to be good i was like that's wrong that's wrong that's wrong i said oh here we go it was a smart joke a gene smart there it is at Sklar Brothers and I'll show myself out well here's the good news you went too far here's the good news I can squeeze out a

shitty joke don't challenge me like that I'll do it I didn't think mine was shitty until Patton just said it was shitty so here's the good news Patton just said it was shitty. That's so funny. So here's the good news, Patton, is that the world is getting dumber. Sure.

Even through this all, like, you can stay at home and get dumber. Like, you don't even have to get dumber out in the world. It's like whatever is happening to us, you can have it, like, postmated to you. You can have the dumb sent to you. Sent directly to your house. There's now more ways to get the dumb into your system. You're saying that you're offering a delivery app now for Dumb People Town?

Yes. The delivery system for dumb is just, it's grown and it's actually gotten really smart. As you know, we get awesome stories sent by our amazing fans. To Daniel Van Kirk. Hi, Dan. Hey, buddies. And then we just go through them. So let's go through with one right now and then we'll find

out what patton's doing and talk about his podcast with meredith and talk about other shows and stuff that he's got going on we'll do all that after uh we go through a story so let's jump in ready sent in by jake magnuson at jake magnuson Sounds like the nephew of somebody who won a strongman competition. Yeah. Right. Wasn't there a Magnus for Magnus? There was a Magnus for Magnuson. Okay.

Yeah. Magnuson, son of Olaf, son of Kioff, third brother of Slayer of all that. Slayer of omicron so like if if the guy who played the mountain on game of thrones he's like a he's like a magnus for magnuson type guy jeff magnuson is like the big guy in the witcher if i get it because you're like the witcher is great but like are we looking at british john ham with long hair what are we doing here oh I tell you, and I know he's become problematic, but watching The Witcher is just a continuation of the part of my life that enjoyed Hercules and Xena.

And I love it for that. I want my Sorbo only in the 90s. Yeah. In The Witcher, you can tell that they kind of know like yes a hundred percent there's a half a wink toward the camera of like guys we know yeah yeah so sorb i mean that hercules was a show i would watch between two other shows that sorbo was really a palate cleanser for me all right that's club brothers you guys gonna make it i'm not gonna make it can this be you have no idea because the headline that i'm about to read there's no way the three of you

have not heard of this i know the sclars have because they mentioned it to me on headline alone this is a contender for hall of fame for dumb i can't wait 90 day fiance star retires from selling farts after heart attack scare. That's full circle. I mean, at least she would have died doing something she loved. The other people loved. The other people. At least she died doing other people's fetish.

I mean, there's a point at which it's fun. You fart in a jar you and then you but i imagine her like having to go down to like postal works and like put them in boxes and send them off to be because you know she's diy-ing all of it she has no overhead it's only underhead the boxes the jars and the boxes would be the same size as like if you were setting out candles i bet she was lying to whatever postal annex she was in. Like, wow, you're sending out more of your soy candles? She goes, yeah.

Like, wow, they're really light. What kind of wax are these? Like, well, it's a proprietary recipe. Very aromatic. It's so organic. It's 90% wick, guys. The person who wrote this headline either either well it's from the post so that makes sense she had a fart attack in reality i know you said i had to write that

headline for them come on though i think i think what's happening is around the world a lot of things are going from gas to electric so she's okay she's losing her job yeah she's really she's getting she's getting squeezed out yeah the green initiative the cost they don't tell you the cost of solar and wind power it puts small entrepreneurs that this is wind power this is a form of wind power you know what you're right it is wind power although does it kill as many birds i don't know it It may be. It might. A reality TV star who launched a gassy venture peddling her fancy flatulence to strangers, Stephanie Motto, blew away people on social media when she recently announced that she makes more than how much money a week selling her farts.

This is going to make me sad. A week. Do you think she was making? According to her, so that's all we have. And if she's not reliable, guys, who is? I don't know what is. How much? Pat, you are a guest. You want to go first, take her last.

Wait a minute. Because I know that there were certain celebrities on Cameo that there was one guy who made a million dollars a year just doing cameos yeah brian bump gardner from the office million dollars so and i'm trying to think of the but however this is a niche perversion right so i know it's not a perversion it's just the good news is i don't want to yuck if you're into it if somebody's into it they're way into it yeah

and we say enjoy it it doesn't hurt anyone exactly it's not a perversion it is a uh it's a peccadillo and absolutely enjoy it um i'm gonna okay i'm gonna how much i'm gonna say 250 grand 250 a week a week a week a week you might be right i think it was uh it was 30 grand a week 30 grand a week i'm gonna say 20 grand a week. 30 grand a week. I'm going to say 20 grand a week. 20 grand a week. I'm going to say like 120 grand a week. I think this woman is just rolling in it. I mean, the amount of cauliflower she had.

Like, she comes back to the store, and she goes to Trader Joe's and gets the flower that's all cut up in the things and they're like yeah you got another order yep she knows a produce guy in the back that she can meet near the loading dock so you get to the really raw and he hands it to her and she says she says time time to bake the donuts i would love it if someone like ordered it and called her customer service is like, hey, I ordered this part like six weeks ago. Sorry, I'm really backlogged. So am I. You know, you know, she's blamed shit on the supply chain. Literally.

OK, thank you, Patton. OK, the amount of money she claims to be making per week selling her farts is $50,000. Oh, my God. Okay. Patton's closest. We're in the wrong business, Patton. She should be forced to explain that to a science teacher in East LA every day. Can you imagine her meeting with somebody at TurboTax?

Yeah. You should have to sit down with jaime escalante from deliver well she would be more of a squat and deliver but you understand the connecticut resident not the state you would have picked no i made you guess i thought i should i just assumed oh my god when you started the story i assumed this was in florida i just went to florida vegas of course connecticut connecticut so so she does it through clenched teeth this is like so this is like i'm sorry this is like what farmer jode's old tiny uh fart in a jar back and on we remember farts in a jar farts in a jar the connecticut resident had gained international recognition

after appearing on the reality show 90 Day Fiance. I've never seen an episode or even a scene. I can't gently know what it is. Is it a documentary show or a competition show? Documentary show, I believe. Okay, none of us have seen it. None of us have seen it. This is a great game to play.

None of us have seen it. This is almost like a... Yeah, this is like Kyle Air Show. a great game to play none of us have seen it it's almost like uh yeah it's like kyle air show patten i want you to tell me if if there was an old tv guide or the listing as like you look at other thing i want you to having never seen it give me the little blurb for 90 day fiance oh so a blurb describing the show or a blurb describing an episode out of context just describing the show the show i say dealer's choice um uh 90 day fiance hang on um um marriage hopefuls have three months um to uh to either uh jump the broom or dump the groom

in in this fast-paced reality competition show. Great. I love it. Dan, you've never seen it. The art of blurb, right? There's an account I follow on Twitter. I think it's called Retro News. And they just post the TV guy blurbs of new shows as they premiered.

Wow. Like Midnight Caller, that old gary cole show like there's like one of those it's the it's phenomenal and it's all this fast-paced whirlwind night of love between two like it's always that there's a very similarity between blurb writing and for tv shows and blurb writing for like realty like yeah. They're very similar. Very similar. This fast-paced two-bedroom apartment. Fast-paced. This downtown charmer. So this Connecticut lady who gained notoriety from 90 Day Fiancé and later started her

own YouTube channel, wrote books, and founded an X-rated subscription site called Unfiltered. I'll say this. I don't know anything of the quality of her work, but she is hustling. not lazy no not lazy you can't find time to buy all those jars she then really made waves with her olfactory business by capturing her emissions in jars and selling them because she quote thought it would be a hilarious publicity move that would get a lot of people's attention but but after making how much in sales the influencer announced her retirement when she passed too many and got the wind knocked out of her so at what point she's making 50k a week at what point do you think she had to stop after how much money wait did she fart herself into a yeah we're gonna get into it yes she did she was too hard

so essentially she's everybody's uncle at thanksgiving like i can imagine her being off the clock and not having a jar around and farting and her 90-day fiance or the person who's around is like don't take your work home with you that one was for me that one was for me yeah that was it you just blew a subscription to the criterion channel right there i could have had it for a month there goes our jet skis thanks you guys want to guess how much she's made before she had to retire oh so how much has she made cumulatively yes like this how many weeks do you think she went for how many weeks because you know it's 50k oh my god you know what i'm gonna say i'm gonna say she went 12 weeks uh she went 90 days 90 days

oh there you go so 12 weeks that's amazing 1.1 million dollars okay okay no oh right yeah 50k 600 600 600 that's good math uh i'm gonna say she made 1.5 million dollars before she dropped right i think she did it for i think she made like two million dollars i don't know why i think this woman is just rolling in it i mean she could have she did it long enough to make 200 000,000 in sales. Wow. So Patton was close. Patton again. Nice. Not a bad little get if you're in the business. What's her name? Stephanie.

Stephanie was rushed to the hospital with chest pains. She feared were symptoms of a heart attack, according to the outlet. After undergoing a battery of tests, including blood work and an EKG, Stephanie was told that her pain was the result of her steady diet of gas-inducing beans and eggs. Why wouldn't you just go Brussels sprouts? I said cauliflower. Broccoli and cauliflower. She had

a heart attack pushing really hard doing something she loves. She is the female Todd Glass. Yeah. Hey, look, no matter how you feel about her, that asshole made a lot of money. Yes. And I guess you have like a retirement ceremony and hang it up in the

rafters. I mean, if you told me this is what an NFT is, I'd be like, yeah. Farting a jars and NFT. Okay. I thought I was having a stroke and that these were my final moments. She told jam press. I was I was having a stroke and that these were my final moments. She told jam press. I was overdoing it. The self-proclaimed fartrepreneur had squeezed out up to how many jars worth of farts.

By the way, I would have called her an entrepreneur, but there you go. Instead of fartrepreneur. She had to squeeze out how many jars worth of farts a week to keep up with demand and even added protein shakes to her diet to make them more pungent how many jars a week do you think she was pumping out you need to hire a touring company if you start to get that many orders i think she was up to 10 10 000 jars a week what happened she Ford. Oh, okay. 10,000 jars was my favorite Anna Paquin movie. Maybe like 800 jars. Okay.

I think she did 100 jars in a week. Okay. 100. Yeah, I think... How much was she charging per jar? Well, we're about to find out, I guess. I think 300 a week. She was doing 50 jars a week.

So charging $1,000 a jar. 1,000 bucks a fart? 1,000 bucks a jar. I remember within one day, I had about three protein shakes and a huge bowl of black bean soup, she said. I could tell that something was not right. And that evening when I was lying in bed and I could feel a pressure in my stomach moving upward, it was quite hard to breathe. And every time I tried to breathe in, I'd feel a pinching sensation around my heart. You need to stop. You need this supersize me. And that, of course, made my anxiety escalate. I actually called my friend and asked that they

could come over to drive me to the hospital because I thought I was experiencing a heart attack. Imagine that phone call in the middle of the night japers hey you know that fart thing i've been doing yeah what are you doing right now what is why and that person on the other line said you're driving me to the airport for the rest of my life yes it's like a this is like a there will be blood but for methane now when i tell you I'm a fart man, you'll believe me. I've been in the fart business for years. I drink your protein shake.

I drink your protein shake. I drink it up. And I fart it out. There's an ocean of methane in my ass. I'm the only one who can get it all the farts from around your asshole have already been bought up

and every time she bears down to fart that music goes that intense music yeah you're nothing but a fart in a jar you're a fart in a jar that's all you are I just rewatched that movie. Oh, that's good.

She said, it was made clear that I wasn't experiencing a stroke or a heart attack, but very intense gas pains. Stephanie told the outlet, adding she did not tell docs about her rear racket. Okay, look, cautionary tale.

I'm going to say this to everybody and we're gonna have another story like similar to this situation later yeah whatever whatever is wrong with you okay i don't care we're gonna in a couple weeks do our annual what what we got stuck on ourselves last year yeah whatever is wrong with you you've decided it's bad enough to go to the doctor or the that's right don't lie to them when you get there yeah you've gotten this far let's not delay anymore so if you're there because something's stuck in one of your orifices just say just say you got wild with a baby and you need way wilder stuff than that you're not gonna make them go oh my god that's oh you know that's a great point pat they've seen more wilder stuff by accident than whatever you did on purpose right this is this

is your doctor not your therapist you can't lie to them like are you ever go to the dentist and they're like hobson are you flossing and you're like oh i do it every day and then they like examine your mouth and they're like so like once a week and you're like i can't lie to you can't lie the proof is in the pudding the proof is in the proof is in the jar proof is in the fart jar i was advised to change my diet and to take gas suppressant medication which has effectively ended my business so she's like a she's like a football player who blew her knee forced into retirement yeah she had like one too many concussions yeah like the dvd industry can you imagine that press conference where she's like you know what this business has been very good to me uh nobody wanted to see it end like this yeah i came up on the streets stephanie decided she decided to launch her butt business

on a whim after getting requests another thing guys leave women alone in the comments that don't be just because somebody says oh i'm really enjoying yellow jackets and i don't don't go awesome i love your boobs right can you send me a fart in a jar just leave people alone right um if you are really enjoying yellow jackets what the fuck is wrong with you it is a movie about a soccer team that gets basically alive for about a year and a half okay i know i can't we could talk about yellow jackets i can hold on i think i would surprise you with my opinion on it yellow jackets is like if euphoria didn't have drugs well fair enough um so she said she got some requests she couldn't believe the demand i think a lot of people Didn't have drugs. Well, fair enough.

So she said she got some requests. She couldn't believe the demand. I think a lot of people have this fetish in secret. That's fair. She said she decided to branch out a little bit and try some new recipes to keep it exciting. The natural gas manufacturer's menu included black bean salad, onion and ham and pepper omelets. I think that certain foods produce better smelling farts. You've gone too deep. Wait a second.

Could people choose from the menu, like, I want a ham and omelet? I bet you 100%. And then the customer service calls, ma'am, I ordered a ham and onion fart. This is clearly. It has a little broccoli in it. Can you imagine the Yelp reviews? I don't know if the yelp of her business of her absolute lord used to be great place now too many people yeah not too popular she really sold out

guys right i remember there wasn't even a minute phoning it in early on there was a whole bouquet and now it's like now it's literally she's just pounding broccoli and cauliflower yeah i mean the the the ambience is nice but i think there are some issues in back of the house despite her financial success the reception to her unique business has been mixed according to jam press i mean pat and if you guys ever do a sequel to Ratatouille, this is sort of cooking. Ratatouille? Krapatouille?

She goes, I have a lot of people praising me, calling me a girl boss, telling me that I inspire them to be unashamed of who they are and what they do. All these people, by the way, live inside her head, but go ahead. But on the other end, I have been getting a ton of negativity i have even received death threats people telling me i should end my

life this to me if you are giving this woman a death threat what is what is wrong with you i mean we've all and we've all posted things where you get comments and you're like that but if you're giving this woman death threats you need to go into your garage turn on your car and think hard for an hour yeah yeah death lord what's wrong with people what do you care yeah what do you care are you is she taking your fart jar money they're coming in and taking all our fart jar money i try my best not to react to these people and give them what they want which is attention she's got a healthy outlook on that. I like it in this in this day and age. We need to stop tearing people down for their choices. I think my family is relieved about my retirement. She was probably so it was just taken away from her time with the kids. And honestly, she probably doesn't have. And honestly,

so is my colon. The diet was never sustainable and there was always an expiration date. The newly retired fart peddler said she plans to donate a portion of her income to charity that supports gastric disorders i'll take that i was gonna suggest i don't believe her but i love that sentiment listen i'm i'm blown away by this woman oh stop randy stop what are you for the work for the post yeah even though i got backlash i think it opened a new door for me well when god closes the door he opens a bottle i'm working on digital fart jar artwork at the moment we're now back to nfts god doesn't close an anus without opening an nft that's right right and what is the tv movie called about this woman hot box uh cracking the code the other side of the wind

wind talkers wind talkers uh jars of pay yeah if she doesn't call it fart work i mean yeah this is a loss she's a fartist uh-huh the fartist which was a great friend uh brian posan's hilarious comedy special oh oh brother where fart thou oh brother where fart thou thank you thank you thank you oh sister where fart thou oh sister where fart thou i think everything happens for a reason although my fart selling days are ending i'm going to save the money i've made and we'll put some into crypto she added i'm gonna ask you guys this no don't do crypto if there's one thing that's less that is more fleeting it's crypto than a fart it's crypto crypto is like a fart in a jar it is uh no one knows what it is no one can no one can describe

what it is i held it up to you'd be like i don't know what that is i'm not seeing it if you open it up it's gone we'll get out of here on this. How old is Stephanie Mateo? I don't know what he's saying. How old do you think a 90-day fiancé fart jar selling mogul with written books?

I think she is 25 years old. 25 years old. You gotta be young to have that kind of energy. Jason Sklar? You gotta be young to have that kind of energy. Jason Sklar. You got to be young to have that kind of colon. I agree it's young. I'm going to say 29.

29. Yeah, I think she's 32. 32? Okay. One of you is one year off. So everyone gets to adjust one year up or down. Do you want to go 26? I'll go 31.

I'll go 26. I'll go 28. Okay. Stephanie is 31 years old. Done. Is that her Mercury's in retrograde? I don't know any of those things.

At that point point whatever it is uh good luck to her and i hope sure i mean it's kind of the thing that is it's hopefully this whole experience is like a fart in that eventually it just leaves the atmosphere yeah she will not be known as the fart jar lady and they say we don't make anything in america anymore exactly there you go she proved it sure I just picture her 30 years from now sitting there with a cigarette like, Fart Jar Lady. I haven't heard that name in a long, long

time. All right, tell me about this heist. I'm in. It's great. They'll never smell that we were in the room. Yeah, they'll never know we were there. All right, there's First Story down in the woods, Patton Oswalt is with us. I'm so excited.

We're going to find out all the good stuff he's got going on, where you can catch him, where you can listen to him. On the other side of this break, it's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show.

We got Patton Os Nosal with us. Before we get into what he's doing, go to danielvankirk.com and you can find out all of his dates. Tour starts back up in March. Yeah, coming back in March. Randy and I are in Denver this weekend, but I think this drops after that.

So come see us in D.C. Yep, February 10th through the 12th will be at the Comedy Loft. And then in March. That's a great room. Great room. And March will be at Hilarities in Cleveland. We love that.

Oh, yay. In April, Moon Tower, along with Daniel Van Kirk. And then in Seattle in May at the Crocodile, which has newly been renovated. So good rooms, good fun stuff. And then, of course, we announced this last time. We're going to just keep mentioning it as we're in the process of doing it. Our old show, Cheap Seats, which Patton Oswalt did a

fantastic turn on Cheap Seats. Love that show. A putt-putt champion. We've been given the opportunity to basically reboot that show, and we are doing it for the UFC. We're doing it for UFC Fight Pass on their library of stuff. Nice.

It's going to be called The Nosebleeds instead of The Chiefs. There you go. And we're doing six episodes. Daniel Van Kirk is helping us write it along with other great friends. And we are in the process right now. And it could not be more fun. We'll keep you updated as we go through it. I'm sure we will be calling Pat and see if he's available to do a sketch for us for that.

Cheap Seats was such a good show. And the Onion AV Club said of all of the post-MST3K ripoff attempts, all of which fell short, Cheap Seats was the only one that kept the spirit of MST3K and brought it to this whole other dimension that MST3K never thought to bring it to, of still like not just crapping on things, but actually being delighted and amused with how insane,

you don't realize how insane the world of sports is until you watch it. It's amazing. So now we'll take like a more specific dive into the early days of UFC, which were just a crazy free for all crazy that's when they would go like what if a sumo wrestler exactly and up again oh yeah so it's nuts right there's a there's a fight where a guy wears one boxing glove just one boxing glove

it was like what do you unlike these other shows which just thought oh we'll just make fun of clips you guys understood mG3K. They would write really funny sketches in between to illustrate the insanity of it all. And it was really beautiful. So we're going to bring that same to this. And Patton, be ready for a phone call. So let's find out what Patton has going on. You've got the great podcast with Meredith. And just tell us everything that you have going on where these guys can catch you well um on this very same network starbirds industries you can listen to my wife and i meredith salinger on did you get my text which is hilarious basically catching up at the end of the week and going over the texts that we send each other so funny hilarious very weird to have hear from other

married couples that are like yes i live in a house with my spouse, and half the time we're just texting each other. That's it. In the house. In the goddamn house. In the goddamn house. It's ridiculous. Hilarious. And then as far as I'm concerned, I'm back on the road in February.

I'm in Austin at the Paramount first show. So great. I had a second one. Great. Dallas the next night, the Majestic. That's February 4th and 5th. And then all the other dates are on my website, patnoswalt.com, touring all through the spring, going everywhere, going everywhere. Nice.

You know, we were doing press for this today, and we were with Rick Lewis, does a great morning show here. And he was, like, talking to us about, you know, you guys have been doing it for so long, and you always keep coming with new stuff. And I was like, yeah, there are those people that inspire us to do that. And Patton is definitely one of those guys who you haven't seen his material for a little bit, and then you come back and see him, and there's a whole new hour of brilliantly worked out, well thought out bits that, I'll say this, you know, as Carlin was getting older, the comedy matched who he was.

He wasn't like doing young Carlin material. His act over time grew with him. And I think I've said out loud to myself, I'm walking the oval. Like, that was from your last special. Oh God, it was so good Patton are you going to Houston? no not right now I'm going to

Austin and Dallas hopefully I'll get to go to Houston in the fall awesome there's a great venue there great comic Andrew Youngblood who produces like helps me with my tour and then he has a venue called the secret group and the Sklars love it I love it Todd Berry just dropped in there last week um yeah it was uh it was a norm loved that place when he was over in

houston he would either play there or drop in there so if you're ever there and you want to do anything the secret group is is a great spot for so go to pat pat niswell.com yep check all that out and if he comes to a city near you, treat yourself. If we've learned anything about these past two years is that experiences are so important. So much more important than things. Right? Yes. I always say you'll never regret the amount of money you spend on a great memory.

Yes. And that's what these things are. Going to see these live. Going to see Dan live going to see dan live participating in his virtual shows all that stuff and hanging out with us as we do this great show again i feel like we've sort of hit the in the new year we've had great guests and pat and just you know hit starting out with a bang very excited daniel let's jump into another story show you ready do it sent in by carlene mcdermott at at the best handle ever can i say

this about can i say this about because the internet oftentimes just completely just tears people down in the worst possible way i don't know what internet you're on okay i wish a recent event had happened to patent where that happened but you sometimes sometime in your future patent it'll happen to you and you'll like that that will happen to me at some point i will wait your time wait your turn it'll come it'll come but you know but i'm not getting i'm not going to anticipate it i'm not going to anticipate it it'll happen when you don't know what to do and you'll know it when it happens and so she be carlene carly mcdermott who sends in a lot of stories for us which she's just one of the great she's almost like a stringer she's like a stringer from a dumb universe like finding things and plucking for us and we us, which she's just one of the great, she's almost like a stringer. She's like a stringer in the dumb universe,

like finding things and plucking for us. And we love her and she's got the best handle. Stringer in the dumb universe. It's great. And she on Twitter, cause we made a big deal out of her in a recent episode, like how many things we're like, you're, you're basically an honorary producer on the show.

And then she on Twitter said, I hope I'm not like submitting too many stories. And then all of our dumb people, town townies came to her rescue and they were like, no, don't stop. It was like the internet doing the one thing that it actually, it could do.

We love it. We saw it. We say your, your Twitter handle out loud, wherever we are. She be Carly. And they, so I just want to shine a light on our awesome townies for

raising up and a fellow townie who does such good work for us thank you carly mcdermott all right are you guys ready for a fun little dump story yeah builder this is the headline builder of britain's biggest model railway kept it a secret from his girlfriend wow i know it's like talk about only communicating by text with your wife yeah wait how wait a minute what else is he he had it was he living with the girlfriend so we're gonna dig into all of that so he's got a girlfriend but he also loves model trains and he is afraid to tell her about it did she say what else is he not telling me i mean there's got to be that sure model that's gonna be the first thought in your head right a train mad businessman that's like serial killer stuff i'm sorry but that that's it's also like

who's the guy who was the architect my do you ever see my architect pat and you have have you seen that the guy who the guy who was the architect for the Salk Institute and like just amazing. Louis Kahn. Louis Kahn is his name, who ultimately died penniless in the Port Authority of New York. It's an amazing documentary called My Architect. So his son wants to find out more about his dad. And so he does a documentary about his father to just find out more about him. He was this famous guy did this like huge thing it wasn't in indonesia in bangladesh or somewhere like that and he like created this this beautiful building and he did a lot did a lot of great things but there was a lot that he didn't know about him so he does this documentary and that's all i'm gonna say because what he finds out along the way is like again if a woman if this woman had done a documentary about her boyfriend

and it's like what do you have in your basement? There you go. No, no, no, no, no. Don't look down. Well, I mean, before we go into this, because aren't isn't Rod Stewart a massive model train enthusiast? And he has a whole Florida. He carries just tiny little cars of cum that eventually go into his stomach. Stop.

Come on, man. He and Neil Young are massive model train dudes. Really? And I think that he has a whole floor of his mansion that's just a huge model train. My uncle John, my grandpa's brother. Neil Young being like, where's my local motive? Anyway. That's pretty good, Jay.

That's pretty good. Pretty good. How many people have come over to like Ron Wood comes over again to Rod Sears and is like, I might have a shot at my model train. Yes, we've seen it. We've seen it.

So this guy has a girlfriend. Yes. A train mad businessman. And ne'er the twain shall meet. As long as he can do it. There the train shall meet. There you go. A train mad businessman who splashed how much money on Britain's biggest model railway has been hiding it from his girlfriend.

So just out the gate, how much money do you think he spent on this huge model railway? In pounds or U.S. dollars? I have it in U.S. dollars. Okay. What do you round he spent on this huge model railway in pounds or u.s dollars i have it in u.s dollars okay pat and what do you round it to the nearest i'm gonna say like half a mil okay yeah half a mil yeah god it can get expensive yeah i'm gonna say he spent 200 farts in a jar. So you're saying... $200,000. And that's more than that. I would say $125,000.

He spent $342,000. $342,782 to be exact. Jeepers. Creepers. That's 250,000 pounds. Jeez. That's like four Canada goose coats. It's insane.

Simon George hid the product from his new partner as he feared she would dump him and george yes i can't get more british than that you you you have you have to be a model train enthusiast if your name is simon george that's right i heard he was kicked out of culture Club. Simon George. He's sorry. You're too similar. Yeah. By the way, Boy George followed us on Twitter. I don't know if that was meant to happen or not. Boy George, it can't be a mistake.

Boy George followed us on Twitter. That's wonderful. Are we dying in six months? Like, that's the thing you ask yourself. Oh, man, I would love that. Simon George hid the project from his new partner as he feared she would dump him if if she discovered his dull hobby that's buddy yeah dan what would you spend 300 like if you had 342 000 to spend on anything on something frivolous lisa asked me this yesterday

because i was like can you believe he spent this much money? And she was like, well, if Lisa said, if you love to travel, yes, you could spend that much money. And that's a thing you love to do. And nobody would be like, yeah, you spent $300,000 traveling the world and living it up and having every experience you would want. And nobody would be like, you're insane if you have that type of money. So he did it with trains for me. I mean, I don't know. But also, would she then go you spent that much on trains but you kept secret from me and how much did you spend like was he just taking her to like tesco's like you wouldn't go yeah like you wouldn't you wouldn't valet park the other night it's like that sort of thing comes like that thing in the relationship

this is why authentic switchback for the building. This is why we've been taking our clothes to the laundromat for six months. So you could get three more pine trees. That's a good point. So he's afraid she's going to dump him because his hobby

is dull. Simon told his girlfriend Marie that he was renting part of an old mill to store and sell wine. Instead, this is an 11. And I'm going to dump you for the train. She's going to dump you for the lie.

Yeah. Can't have honesty. Instead, on a model train company. He was in the process of creating an incredible replica of a train line set in 1980s yorkshire which which he remembered from his childhood how many feet long or you can do meters also it is 2022 you don't have to remember what the yorkshire thing you can look it up he wants it specifically it's probably still there it is but he wanted it specifically from the 80s i love that he's treating his life like he's in prison and having to like you know i haven't seen the outside in

40 or when somebody says to him like specifically from the 80s so we're all the little people in the guy like oh we're like day glow and chest shirts and pants right also do you think when somebody's like i really like your train set he's like it's more of a period piece but it's fine i mean it's like when someone says i liked your skit i loved your little i loved your little skits tonight we're like okay more of a long form skit uh how how many feet you had some great one-liners that's like yeah it's not really what i do but you guys have got some top shelf leg pullers up there. That's a good one. How long is it, Dan?

Are we guessing? Yeah, you can go feet or meters. You can choose. I have them both. Let's do feet. Let's do feet. How many feet? Wait a minute.

I'm going to say feet wise. I'm going to say because if it's in a mill. A mill. Sure. So altogether, I bet it's like half a mile. I don't even know. What's that? 600 feet? 2,500 feet? Something like that?

2,500 feet. All right. I'm going to say it's like 4,000 feet. 1,200 feet of track. You guys are aggressive. 200 feet, 61 meters. What? We don't know the size of the mill.

Simon was deep into his relationship when Marie visited the mill and discovered there was no wine in the basement. Oh, man. So at that point, I'm like, you're murdering people and cooking. Yeah, exactly. This is like, this is every serial killer movie where the girlfriend finds like the weird shoe box full of news clippings and stuff that he kept

from his victims or something like that. Or the, I call it the hanging scrapbook. Every 90 serial killer movie had, the killer would keep enough evidence to totally convict them in court in a collection somewhere that's not hard to find like why would you keep that shit wait so yeah like the killers always keep all the receipts you're like why why no um okay so he ends up keeping you guys can guess this if you want otherwise i can just tell you how long

do you think he was able to keep this from his girlfriend? Oh my God. She said deep in the relationship. Two years. I'm going to say a year. A year. I'm going to say 18 months. He was able to keep it from her

for six months of dating. Which is long enough to be like we're in this right we're in but despite uh that a belief his belief that the wine merchant sounded sexier than building a model railway the couple company the couple are now engaged to be married guys it works out just tell somebody who you are exactly why would you why would you use as a cover story you're a wine merchant that is something that will like oh we're going to a friend's house let's swing by

one of your bottles of wine that would constantly come up or you know who loves wine dad if when he comes to visit we should go in my god because he wanted it to be something sexy because if he goes with something dull if he's like I collect old paper well then he might as well say that he builds trains yeah model trains he should have

made it something worse so that when it gets revealed that it's trains it's a relief i collect tiny raccoon heads i collect all of my old fingernails in a mill now you're definitely getting a giant ball well now you're getting dumped Now you're definitely getting a giant ball. Well, now you're getting dumped, guys. You're definitely getting dumped. Simon said, I met Marie about two years ago and when we started dating, she had to believe it because she had to do it because Simon said,

Simon said, I met Marie two years ago. We started dating. I led her to believe I was a wine merchant. It sounded sexier than saying I was building a model railway, which usually sends women running, which means this either is something he believes or has definitely happened to him. That to me, like the woman who would run,

who like just breaks out into a sprint. Okay, Patton and Dan, you know how in your act in the very first five minutes, you have a joke or two or something that is your trip wire that tells you how the rest of the set yes yes and pat like if they laugh at this this is going to be a great night or i know who they are they know who i am that's right how how they're laughing at this is going to tell me what the next 35 40 minutes is going to be sure that to me is that i do model trains i have the biggest model model trains in the world.

If someone runs, great, good. You just learned that this person doesn't like what you're doing too. You don't want her. But also it's like, okay, let's say you're dating a guy and he says, yeah, I collect and build model trains. It's not like he's saying, oh, I'm into like water sports or I wanna have a threesome.

He's like, I go off and do this thing. Even if you're not into monotrans it will not involve you no what do you care just go yes if you enjoy it the rest of the time with him the time he's away from you look i'm a big movie buff i watch like old um movies and and meredith isn't into old movies but she's not like i gotta divorce this guy i mean right you're like it's great it's like i'm not forcing like excuse me i'm gonna go watch uh the ghost of mrs muir and you need to join me like i'm not making her watch right i don't make my wife watch michigan football with me i don't she just i don't why make her do that here here's the thing if a guy says i real i'm building like the largest model train system and i've

rented out half a mil here's something that he's never gonna say to you in the relationship what should we do today he already knows yeah he knows he knows and it's also to me this is like the kind of stuff that goes along with like like the rules or like how to trap a partner for life like you don't show the only the side and then once they get locked in then you start to reveal who you really are. It's like, wait, what? Were they going to get married and then at the ceremony they were going to lift

this curtain and then wheel out and this is what you are now bound to for life. The ring pleads and it comes around on a train. You said till death do you find you already committed also like the fact that they are getting married means that she went to the mill or whatever there was no wine in the basement and he goes well actually

i i'm building a model train and her reaction was oh okay you ready this is why you're perfect i bet that was the height of the drama you. This is why you're perfect. I bet that was the height of the drama. You ready? This is why you're perfect for this show. Okay. Literally, this is the next part. Quote, she came down to the cellar one day and said, where's all the wine? I told her the truth. And she was like, okay.

Yeah. Literally just called that shot. Patton. That's exactly what happened. Beautiful. I bet that the angrier she got was like, just don't lie. I don't give a shit.

Don't lie to me again. Don't be a fucking five-year-old. Also, do you want to see how bad he is at judging what she would be interested in? But here's what it says next. But my fiance has an art degree, so she appreciated the level of detail and work that went into it.

We're now engaged. Dude. How did you not know she wouldn't appreciate that? He's dumb. He's's not so here's what you know he's not gonna cheat on you he's gonna be if you see money going away the only thing you're gonna be is like maybe we don't spend two hundred thousand dollars more on this on this you're gonna have to be the no person as far as the train as far as r and r exactly hey dude how as R&R real estate. Hey, dude, how much flocking do you need? Can we maybe get a better dishwasher? Sure.

Maybe, oh my. We don't need an aqueduct. We're fine. Also, the only reason she shouldn't marry him is because he is dumb. He's dumb. Because if you're with someone with an art degree, you would know they would go,

oh, they'd be totally into you being crappy and building something. Yeah. Here's the craft. I mean, if I was at their wedding, I'd be like, she's the arts and he's the crafts. There you go. There you go. Simon's colossal transit accurately depicts a one and a half mile stretch of real track at Heaton Lodge Junction, Mirfield West, Yorkshire from 1983 specifically.

It took him eight years to painstakingly build this. West Yorkshire from 1983 specifically. It took him eight years to painstakingly build this. I can throw up a couple pictures here so you guys can see. It is gorgeous. The detail of it and stuff is absolutely incredible. This is like Mar-Wall.

It looks like that stop motion movie from Starburns. What did they do? that anomalies by the way this is freaking gorgeous what man or woman wouldn't be impressed with look at the little van there's a van for everybody i think these are just perfect they look like still shots of real life it's and he's and he's replacing a sign that just got graffito graffitied yeah yeah right so so All right. So maybe I'm wrong. I would be like, when a woman is worthy, I would take her down and be like, you want to see something really cool? This is what I've been working on for the last eight years.

You're now worthy to see this. Exactly. Yeah. And there's one of the pictures we're showing. There's three boys laying over a ledge, which actually recreates a picture he found of himself as a small boy watching the trains. Two of those boys are in the National Front. That's amazing.

He said he set out to create the set because he was nostalgic for his childhood when he watched locomotives passing through a busy stretch of line. Yes, exactly. That's what that is. To get the detail just

right simon collected around 500 photos of the track area from 1983 so he could recreate every bush head grow and patch of grass incredible project he even found one photo of himself as a youngster leaning over the fence watching a freight train pass which he which he has recreated on the model which we saw and everybody else will see on our Dopey Wotan social media, especially the Facebook page. Dan, I just imagine she's down there. She looks at it. He's like, I can't tell you how much better I feel

now that I've revealed this to you and you know it. Thank you for taking a look as they're walking up the stairs out of there. Also, I'm a necrophiliac. Lights out, walks out the door. Or it goes the other way. Now he's like, hey, I feel a necrophiliac. Lights out, walks out the door. Or it goes the other way. Now he's like, hey, I feel like you're not really into my train set as much as I wanted you to be. I didn't get the reaction I wanted from you.

I don't think this is going to work. There are also fly-tipped sofas on the bank. And while tiny Tesco carrier bags with authentic 1983 design can be found snagged on branches and railway sleepers along the stretch. Oh my God. That's brilliant. I do too. The massive model railway. That woman should have been soaking wet looking at that.

She should have been like, we need to turn this into a museum. That's right. And charge money. Mm-hmm. Gorgeous. The railway is on display at Wakefield's Market Hall until the 21st of December, so we've passed that, but it could still be being

toured around right now. It's been on display around Yorkshire. I'm on the road now with Taylor Swift. It's opening. That's exciting. That's story number two, my friend. Dan, give us a little taste of story number three. It has to do with people going to the ER.

I love it. And for our Patreon fans, I know, Patton, we asked you Give us a little taste of story number three. It has to do with people going to the ER. Okay. I love it. And for our Patreon fans, I know, Patton, we asked you to think about and ruminate on a dumb story in your life. And we could do that. However, I want to talk about it because we all started watching Boba Fett. And I want to talk about it. The seed you planted on Parks and Rec. You called it all that time. We'll do it. We'll talk about and we'll talk about the origin of the seed you planted the seed you planted on parks and rec you called it well let's we'll do it we'll talk about it you got to join our patreon if you

want to hear this story straight from pat all right so we're gonna take a break we'll come back and we'll do this next er story and patreon fans you have to you have to join to hear this story about it's only five bucks well in his connection to boba fett right after this stick around make it sound four more dumb people town all right daniel take us home buddy you ready yeah first of all guys i before people preemptively in the comments make fun of me i can't i'm not good at saying places i've never been or heard before is it gloucestershire gloucesters it Gloucestershire? Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire on the end of this.

Gloucestershire? Gloucestershire? I think it's Gloucestershire. Although it's not called Worcestershire. Here it is. G-L-O-U-C-E-S-T-E-R-S-H-I-R-E. Gloucestershire. Glouc-E. Gloucestershire.

Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. Gloucestershire. I don't know. You put it on stake. Ready? Here we go. Man goes to hospital with World War II shell stuck in his bottom,

as Bomb Squad is called. World War II. So it's been around for a while. He has a World War II shell that he has inserted into himself, and he cannot get out. Put it into himself. Well, not if you ask him. Let's hear his story.

Is this the Battle of the Bulge? This was sent in by from at Alexa Alexa Poe 1980. Thanks so much. A bomb squad. She's 30. She's 42. The bomb squad

raced to a hospital A&E allegedly because a man had a World War II anti tank shell stuck in his rectum. Oh, God. Hey, some love is timeless. Yeah, they were called to give specialist support after the man presented to Gloucestershire Royal Hospital A&E with the 57 millimeter shell in his behind.

Oh, my God. The unidentified man reportedly claimed the inert bomb. How did he sell his farts in jars once he did that? The unidentified man reportedly claimed that the inert bomb was his own and that he had, quote, slipped and fallen on it. No, you did not. No, stop it. No, you didn't.

Who told you that? The guy from the staircase? Stop. Were you in a Bennyny hill sketch was yakety sax playing when you fell on it it had to have been it had to have been now look we know that isn't what happened but the precision with which he would have to have fallen no and for it and for every person who goes into a hospital and says the thing that's got stuck up on my fell on it that is the that is the my twitter feed got hacked that's that excuse right ass got hacked right he like he should just walk in and go look i'm into weird shit and you're into

helping people so i'm at the right place that's it you're gonna you guys are gonna love this i just made your day so interesting and i'm a really nice guy so i just gave you a story that you're gonna tell for the rest of your life keep my name out of it tonight you're gonna win at the pub so you're welcome exactly you're welcome a source told the newspaper the guy said he found the shell when he was having a clear out of his stuff, which if that part's true, he cleaned out an old closet and was like, oh my God, I think I know exactly where to put this.

Yeah. If he's sticking by a story, was he doing it naked? Right. He said he put it on the floor, then he slipped and fell on it and it went up his arse. Police said the shell had been removed before

they attended the scene bomb squad his pants or was he naked that's exactly exactly sorry bomb squad officials no you're fine come on always bomb squad officials were always were apparently called a second source reported it was basically an inert lump of metal so there was no risk to life at least not anyone else's yeah you gotta get that out of the way they felt really embarrassed sending in that robot then I was gonna say this is where you really feel bad for the bomb sniffing dogs

this is when they send you after they get it out they send you to another like department with a whole new nurse who's like why do you need a tetanus shot hospital officials also said that relevant safety protocols were followed and that there was no risk to any other patients visitors and staff at the hospital the man is now said to be expected to make a full recovery from the unfortunate incident i mean mean, you can't now keep that thing. I guess you wash it off, but like I would explode it just because you're like,

we can't. It's literally been through war. I think, I think you can keep it even through this. Yep. Oh, that's it friends. There you go.

I bet that show was like when it was, if this was a Pixar movie and that show had sentience, it was like this, I'll be the and that show had sentience it was like this i'll be the one i'll take out goring i'll take out hitler like i'm going to make a difference in this war against tyranny and then it sits in the closet for years it's like i'm up this guy's head like waiting literally yeah you literally got a friend in me. There it is. That's a show right there.

That is a show. Pat and Oswald, we love you so much. You always have. You can be the mayor of Dumb People Town. You always have. You can come filibuster at our town meetings whenever you want. I love this show so much. It's fantastic.

We are never going to run out of stupidity. Never, never will. You can do this show forever. We're going to jar it. We're going to start jarring it. That's the plan. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Tugger down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your down. It's Dumb People Town.