Dumb People Town - Paul F. Tompkins - Ghost Ball

Episode Date: October 26, 2021

This week Paul F. Tompkins comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy for a very SPOOKY episode. The first story involves a ghost in a bowling alley. The second story is an accidental stabbing. Final story is about the KFC black market.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Tannies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Tompkins. Oh, me. I thought you were the listener, but you pointed at me. I pointed at population you. Was I supposed to say the title along with you guys? No. We just bring you

in right away. I was in doubt, and so I laid out. When in doubt, lay it out. Lay it out. When in doubt, lay it out. I have doubts. Everyone listen to me. Just lay it out. This is the out. Lay it out. When in doubt, lay it out. I have doubts. Everyone listen to me. Just lay it out. This is the best way to play cards.

When in doubt, lay them out. I'm insecure. Lay them out. Lay all your cards out on the table. Wow, he's laying everything out. He's laying everything out emotionally. Not even about those. Don't play them close to the chest or the vest.

Or the vest. Yeah, which one is it? Is it to the chest? I think it's vest. I think it's vest. What? If you have the chance to say vest, say vest. I like to not play my vest that close to the chest.

You have to play your vest. He likes a lot of room. I don't like it too snug. Paul, can I tell you that I loved your thread of watching Dodgers games? Thank you. I enjoyed it. Thank you. I enjoyed that, and I enjoyed that in the past year or two,

you have also cultivated your Twitter account to uh just random endorsements of good jokes yeah yeah yes why not right why not yeah right you can shine a light on good stuff this really made me laugh what's wrong with that i enjoy it i do that all the time we do that i also enjoy that your twitter thread you set to only people who you follow and follow you could reply i i was like good call but on that dodger thread i'm pretty sure that's all it was. Because you don't need everybody coming through the door. Dude, the second. I don't need fucking San Francisco Giants fans while I'm trying to watch a game.

You don't need it. I don't need buzzwords. You don't need buzzwords bringing in the riffraff. You don't need get 1,000 followers right now coming into your mentions. By the way, when you do your Twitter thread on the Dodgers, you'd like to play it close to the chest protector.

That's right. There you go. So, Randy and I know from doing sports comedy and people who love your comedy, the second you do anything that kind of insults the team.

Oh, absolutely. We were in Minneapolis and the Minnesota Vikings were very close to making the Super Bowl. They just by a play didn't make it. And that was the year the Super Bowl was in Minneapolis, in Minnesota. So we came on stage.

They shouldn't do that. If the team of the city loses, it's like, sorry, guys. I understand. Out of respect. We've got to move to another city. So then we thought it would be funny to come on stage

And be like Congratulations you guys You guys got the Super Bowl That must be so exciting The Super Bowl is here How exciting It's every childhood Sports fan's dream

To say the Super Bowl Is coming to our city We kept pushing it And we could feel Them hate us People who loved us Was it a thing Where you thought

If we keep doing it It might be funny If we dig through We can come out on the other side and we just kept going and like norm mcdonald popped out and was like that you guys gotta stop stop stop stop there's a point at which you just don't keep going that's what he said and that happened oh it was so bad oh my god we've gotten so dumb paul how has that happened? I don't know, but it's not stopping either. No. It's not stopping. Things are bad, guys.

So I say let's try and make fun of it and have fun with it and understand why people make the dumb decisions that they make. I'm attuned. Let's get into it. Let's jump into a story right away. Okay, you ready? Let's do it. Daniel Van Kirk is also here.

Oh, I love Daniel Van Kirk. A bit of a Halloween theme for today's episode. I like it. This was sent in by Jeffrey Alberghini. Alberghini. Ah, bizarre. Hey. Alberghini.

Alberghini. I took my Alberghini into the shop. It took four weeks to fix. Well, they don't have the parts here in America. They don't have the parts. That's an Italian car. It's probably the status car. I'm always kidding.

JJ Alberghini. Drive to succeed. Okay. I'm going kidding. J.J. Alberghini. Drive to succeed. Okay. I'm going to read you the headline because it's fun. Haunting on lane one. Washington bowling alley has ghost that keeps on rolling. Haunting on lane one. No one's happier to have a ghost than a business.

Haunting on lane one. It sounds like something you say into the microphone at the bowling alley. Loudly. They would say it at the supermarket. They don't say on lane. When do they say that. On lane one, it sounds like something you say into the microphone at the bowling alley. Loudly. They would say it at the supermarket. They don't say on lane. When do they say that? On lane one.

On lane one? It's aisle one. Have you ever talked about this? Businesses love a ghost. They do. If the ghost ever left Queen Mary,

they're done. They might be done anyway. But they're done. They need the ghost. Hotels love it when something moves. You know what I mean? That cabinet door opened They need the ghosts. They're going to stick to the book. Yes. Hotels love it when something moves. You know what I mean? Yes.

That cabinet door opened without a- Let's make a story about it. Because then you're going to have a whole section of people who are like, give me the ghost room. Oh, yeah. Most people don't want it, but- I stayed at the Stanley Hotel, which was the inspiration for the Shining. Yes.

Yes. And I unfortunately had a room that was where the tour started. Oh, Garrett. So right outside my door, I would hear this woman. Welcome. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. And also, it's the start of the tour, so she's got to do a lot of wrangling.

Folks. Folks. Absolutely. Folks. Absolutely. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it would begin with how much Stephen King did not like Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining.

Yes. how much Stephen King did not like Stanley Kubrick's version of The Shining. Did you ever want to go up to your door and start scratching it from the back? Lately, I've been down the rabbit hole of the Shelley Duvall interviews about her mistreatment. Terrorized her. It is crazy. I just also like Paul checking into this hotel saying, is it near the elevator? And they're like, oh, no, it's not near the elevator. And you're like, oh, thank God.

Thank God. Thank God. I will get a good night's rest. It's near the grand staircase where the tour begins. How many people would go on the tour? Approximately, are we talking like- I bet if I looked at that goddamn people, it would have been three people.

For sure. Way into it. This woman's projecting to the back row treating it like it's 25 30 people okay okay you're not auditioning

for Cooper was it haunted that's my question for you no no way were you scared at all oh yeah it's beautiful it's beautiful

yeah it's up in the mountain I mean it's yeah it's unbelievable I really liked it a lot it's a great hotel alright ready

yes daffodil Bowl in Polyup. P-U-Y-A-L-L-U-P. They should get... Where is it? I'm sorry. Where is it? I don't know.

This comes to us from WKGW.com. Okay. I don't know who that is. Got it. Okay. Well, it's got to be a United States news station. Daffodil Bowl has been around since the 1950s. Brad Schwartz took over ownership nearly three years ago

and has recently learned something rather curious about his bowling alley. Bowling took a hit during the pandemic. This story was sent to me all the way back in January. I saved it for Halloween time. Thank you. Dan. Thank you. Dan.

The previous owners of 22 years never mentioned that this place is known to have a ghost! Of course. Why would they mention it? Said Schwartz. No one will buy this. Right. It's your alley if we say there's a ghost in here. As they're signing their name on the line.

Also, there's a ghost. I just want to say that to you after you sign. Schwartz works alongside his daughter Ashley and said during the pandemic closure, they have been able to personally confirm the rumors of paranormal activity on their lanes. I can't believe in this. Both were quick to say that it's not something

they've seen, but what they've consistently heard, which means there's a just a habit to the store next door. Ashley said, how often do you think, how many minutes on intervals of how many minutes do you think Ashley says they can hear the distinct sound of a bowling ball being thrown down lane one? So no bowling balls being thrown, but they can hear it. How often do you think she says she can hear a bowling ball being thrown down lane one? You are a guest, Paul F. Tompkins.

You can go anywhere at your leisure. Every 10 minutes. Every 10 minutes. Jay, what do you think? Every hour, on the hour. Okay. Every half hour. Okay.

Well done, sir. Every 15 minutes. Wow. Paul, very nice. They can hear the distinct sound of a bowling ball being thrown down the lane. Does it hit the pins or is this ghost a bad bowler? Well, I suppose it could be. And also, is this when no one else is bowling?

I know. Well, they're closed down because this was during the pandemic. Oh, but they're still going there every day for some reason. Yes. Yes. For the first time. Let's spray the shoes. By the way, so this tells me that the ghost does not know how to bowl.

Yeah. Because you don't bowl every 15 minutes. And also, if you're not knocking down any pins, get a new hobby. This bowling alley's been around since the 1950s. It was closed down for, let's at least say, four months during the pandemic. Bowling alleys have not had a closure for a long time. Do you think it will ever not smell like cigarette smoke in there? Always.

Always. Right? Always. And beer. Yeah. Like when you walk in- Remember when you used to walk into a bar- Spilled beer, which is different than a cup of beer.

It is. It is. Absolutely. Oh, spilled beer. Or the carpet. Oh, spilled beer is way worse. Yeah, the carpet is very spongy. Yes.

You know, there's like a lot- Yes. It's an indoor-outdoor carpet. Bowling alleys were like, we need to put a lot of carpet in here. Like a bowling alley didn't have to have carpet. They carpet everything except the lanes. The lanes? Everything.

Because you got people in socks. God damn. know it's true that's right you've always got people there's a weird sock walk step for a lot of people yeah there is that moment where you're you're spending a lot of time in your socks in public and an establishment yes that always felt weird that always felt weird um that felt like going to school at night when you went for a parent-teacher conference. You're like, I'm familiar with where we are, but I don't know really how I should be. The purpose of the bowling shoe is to not scuff the lanes, right? Right. It's a flatter, rubber, safer for them.

For them, but not for you because you could slip and fall very easily. Yes, that's right. Way easily. And they also want to make it so that, because if you ever tried to bowl in your regular shoes, you stop short every time. How about this? Uh-huh. They could put like a little mat.

The whole lane doesn't need to be wood. That's true. Just where you throw the ball. That's true. Right? Yes. So like how, of course, everyone's like falling on their ass in bowling shoes. Right.

It doesn't need to happen. It doesn't need to happen. It doesn't need to happen. Or someone could put- To me, I think there should be a lawyer. Paul F. Tompkins should be the lawyer. Have you fallen in bowling shoes? Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Call recreational sports lawyer. Recreational sports lawyer. Why can't they just do, instead of shoes, put soles on your shoes? Can I also say- Take care of pickleball injuries. For the rest of my life, I will never be able to talk about bowling or walk into a bowling alley or watch Kingpin

without hearing that guy say, who do you think you are? I am. Do you ever see that? Do you remember that clip? Dick Weber. This guy, it's Pete Weber or Dick Weber.

It's one of the greatest sports, you'd call it a celebration. I call it a sports exclamation. He gets a strike and he looks at the guy he's playing and goes, who do you think you are? I am.

And everyone's like, what does that mean? But it's also half perfect. It's a real shutdown. 2012. Because the person receiving goes. The United States Open. It is the toughest test in professional bowling. One by seven.

I don't know if that's it, Rand. You got to get to the get just to the highlight. If you're the receiving end, then you have to ask yourself, who do I think I am? Yeah. Everybody at home. I think that guy calls Cardinals games. Gary Thorne.

It's Gary Thorne. He used to call baseball. Gary Thorne. Oh, it is Gary Thorne. Gary Thorne. The way he told us it's Gary Thorne. He used to call baseball. Gary Thorne. Oh, it is Gary Thorne. Gary Thorne. The way he told us it's Gary Thorne. Like, Uncle Dave. You don't know Dave?

Man, what are you doing? Now you're playing, and I'm going to find it. I'll find it faster than you. Here's what I think maybe he thought was going to happen. So, Dan, you give me the line and leave space for me to answer. Okay, okay. Ready? Here it comes.

Here it comes. I have it. 26 seconds. Gary Thorne. It is Gary Thorne, yeah. It's Gary Thorne. I've got it right here. Okay, okay, ready? Here it comes. Here it comes. I have it, 26 seconds. It is Gary Thorne, yeah. I've got it right here. This is the lifetime of Brotherhood. I got it. You want me to play it?

I'm going to play it. No. He's going to keep looking for it. This is that scene in Tommy Boy with the lighter and the cars. Play it, Jake. Go ahead and play it. If you've got it, Jake. Go ahead and play it if you've got it. If you've got it, play it. I got it right here.

I got it right here. Okay. Look at him, Paul. Look at him. It's Gary Thorne. Here it is. That is why I did it. I still have fun. Are you kidding me? That's right. Who do you think you are?

I am. Who do you think you are? But also, I did it. That's right. I did it. Who are you telling that to? It sounds like scripted. And it sounds like Paul Lynn.

Who do you think you are? I am. I'll do it. Okay. Who do you think you are? I am. I'll do it. Okay. Who do you think you are? The greatest bowler? I am. You get a little.

He answered it before the fiction. And I'm going to say this. It's worth everyone looking up. We'll put it on the face. Not to bring it back to this story, but could he have been talking to the ghost? Yes. Who do you think you are? So he's been talking to the ghost? Yes. So the ghost... What do you think? So he's having a dialogue with a bowling ghost. The ghost says, I'm the greatest ghost bowler ever.

Who do you think you are? That'd be better than me. A ghost with a lot of bravado. You guys used to do hipster ghosts who would go through your record collection? Yeah. Okay. Are you still playing? Jay, keep playing.

We're playing from Jason's phone. Is the ghost still here? I knew a Gary Thorne. Is the ghost still here? Who do you think you are, Jay? Jay, keep playing. We're playing from Jason's pocket. I knew a Gary Thorne. Is the ghost still here? Who do you think you are, Jay? Okay. I am. For the first time in decades, the bowling alley is near silent,

and it makes the sound for the lone bowler more noticeable. After mentioning- More noticeable. Has someone recorded this? After mentioning what they have been hearing to employees, it became clear that they were the last to know about their friendly ghost that refuses to leave daffodil ball which makes me hope the owners sat all the employees down and go look until we're free of this do not

tell these people that's right anybody you have to have a bowling a ghost bowling exorcism schwarz said bowling ghost hunters just about every employee has a story or two about strange noises and occasional sightings like bowling shoes flying off the shelves or cooking utensils dropping from the walls

in the kitchen. All I can picture... The kitchen. Oh. It's just tongs for the chicken. Yeah, exactly. That's all it is.

That's all it is, is tongs. Maybe pulling the hot dogs out of the water. Maybe pulling the hot dogs out of the water. You know that complicated fish thing where you... hot dogs out of the water. Maybe pulling the hot dogs out of the water. You know that complicated fish thing. And the bucket for the water.

The kitchen. An employee named Corey. Every single sur la table. Piece of. An employee named Corey said she's been working at the bowling alley for how long? How long do you think Corey? A woman named Corey has been working at the bowling alley? Paul, pick your leisure.

You don't have to go first. You can go wherever you want. 30 years. 30 years? I think Corey's been there for 14 years. 14 years. I think she says, I've been trying to get out of here for 17, and she's been there for 23. Okay.

Wait, how long? 23, 14. You're Michael Jordan? 14, and what did you 17 and she's been there for 23. Okay. Wait, how long? 23, 14. 30. One of you is exactly right. Now we get to play who do you think is right. You can stick with yourself or you can take someone else's answer.

Did you hear another answer that might be like oh, I don't know? I got to believe in myself. You've always believed in yourself. I'm sticking with mine. I said it for a reason. I'm going to stay with mine. I'm going to stay on mine.

Okay. Corey has been working at the bowling alley for 30 years. Oh! Who do you think you are? I am! That should be the official celebration of whenever someone gets it right. Whenever someone gets it exactly on the nose. Does it feel good?

It's a good feeling. It's a really good feeling. It feels like the endorphins that are released in you right now. It's wild. It's 100%. It is 100% the wrong thing to say, but it is 100% the right feeling. But just getting it right. Doesn't it feel weird that that feels so good?

Why did you show up here? I am. You're going to walk out of here with such confidence. You guys should say that next time you get handed the mic when you exchange at the store for your tag team. Who do you think you are? I am. We are. We are.

Okay. Corey said she's been working at the bowling alley for 30 years and confirmed she's had personal encounters. Quote, this is from Corey. Oh my God. He comes up behind me and says my name. No. Sometimes he turns on the pin setters in the back as a way of letting me know he's here

and to have a good day or something. You went too far with the have a good day. Or something. Or something. get out she like when she said or something she realized oh i'm still talking that was her wanting the producers at the oscars to play the music get me off stage someone please she looked off wistfully and i forgot something the identity of this seemingly friendly ghost is a minor dispute. Many believe it's... Okay.

Many believe... Now I can't wait to hear who they believe it is. Who do you think it is? It's the spirit of a former loyal customer who died of a heart attack on lane one. That's it? Yes. They wrote this literally. This is how they wrote this.

I tried to fix it. Who died of a heart attack and died on lane one. Just say died of a heart attack on lane one. Died of a heart attack. But then what happened? But then what happened? Died on lane one. So he died twice.

Schwartz said, quote, that's where we usually hear the sound of a ball rolling, which would mean the ball is also a ghost. It's a ghost ball. So he has a ghost ball. The hinge is not ghost. That's why you don't hear the pins. Right. So the ball's also a ghost. It's a ghost ball. So he has a ghost ball. The pins are not ghosts. That's why you don't hear the pins. Right. So the ball died a year later.

And it died on lane one. Do you think that he died of a heart attack and then the ball died of a broken heart? Could have. It had three holes in its heart. The next two words of this story. They were inseparable. The next two words of this story.

Remember where this takes place? Daffodil. Daffodil. Next two words of this story. D where this takes place? Daffodil. Daffodil. Next two words of this story, daffodil mechanic. I have no idea. Larry Davidson has been on the job for more than a decade and said he has heard many things he has accepted as paranormal, which also means he had to come to terms with it himself. Oh, yeah.

I heard many things. Look, I had to accept it. I was just as skeptical as you are. I've seen figures hunched over these machines. That's more than one ghost. That's not Lane 1 Larry. All he needed to hear was that someone else heard something.

That's like... It was like a cavalry troop coming in. The bugle was sounding. I've seen a dark figure walking to the back of the lanes when I'm the only one here at night and the doors are locked. Oh, it's Corey. Oh, this is Larry Davidson. He's seen Corey.

Oh, yeah. He's seen Corey. Yeah. Who has a man, like a spirit coming up behind him. Larry Davidson. He's the guy who's going to tell you it's going to rain. Larry Davidson said he believes the ghost is actually a former mechanic, his friend, who had his very job for a long time before passing.

Okay. That mechanic lived in a house that's just across the parking lot until the home was torn down last summer. There's layers to this story. So they're saying he died and then he was probably haunting that house across the thing. And then when he lost the house, he came over to go. Also self-absorbed

much, Larry? No, I think it's a mechanic like me. What kind of a job do you have? The very job that I have. The very job that I have. The very job that I have. Whether it's a former mechanic or the loyal bowler who frequented the lanes. That's where my money is. By the way, how do we know?

What if the loyal bowler was a mechanic? Sure. But just in another town. Everyone seems to agree that it's not a scary haunting. They've even named the ghost Daffodil Don to honor his presence. Daffodil Don, what's that bowling you got on? Schwartz said the bowling alley. Comedy Twitty, is that what he said?

Yeah, Comedy Twitty. Schwartz said the bowling alley. I'd watch that character. Schwartz said the bowling alley hasn't been closed for more than a day in decades. You were right. They do not close down. Bowling alleys just don't close. So it's possible the ghost has always been there, but it's never been calm enough to

notice. We'll get out of here on this. That's what I'm saying. It had to be completely quiet. This is the benefit of the pandemic, you guys. Animals, you're seeing flamingos in Mumbai, and you're hearing daffodil dawn rolling in the 300 here. Schwartz laughed.

I just think he doesn't want to stop bowling. That's the end of the story. Do you? Yes. Is that what you think? Maybe this is hell for him. I got think he doesn't want to stop bowling. That's the end of the story. Do you? Is that what you think? Maybe this is hell for him. I got to keep bowling. Because it sounds like every 15 minutes, it's this one, he keeps rolling the same ball and never hits the pin. He can't pick up the spare.

Yeah. I think he was evil. This is his punishment. It's a modern day myth of Sisyphus. Or worse. He keeps rolling that ball down the lane and he can't get it up there.us. Or worse. He keeps rolling that ball down the lane. He can't get it up there. Yeah. Thank God.

Oh, that story's number one. What a great story. Oh my God. All right. How does this ghost have time every 15 minutes to bowl and then also make shoes fly off the shelves? That's right. Well, and-

It's busy. He's a little low. If you're a mechanic, Larry Davidson's seen other figures. Yeah. I'd say you've got a portal on your hands. You've- Oh my God. Yes. This might be- Right. Lane 1 might be the opening to...

You've got to close Lane 1. Close Lane 1 and see what happens. At least wall it off. And then make Lane 2 Lane 1. Exactly. All we know is this is in Polyup. So wherever that is, if there's any townies there that can go there for Halloween, I want to know.

They have to decorate Lane 1, right? They have to. You have to. If they don't, they're fools. They're missing it out on us. Please decorate Lane 1, and if you go, please take a picture of it. All right, there's story number one. When we come back, we're going to find out what Paul F. Tompkins is doing,

where you can see him do what he does. I'm lengthening my name. Tompkins, find out what he's doing find out where you can follow him and all the other good stuff this is dump people town hey guys welcome back to the show we got Paul F Tompkins hi even though didn't the other day I say the rock was Dwayne Johnston? Yeah, you called him Dwayne.

Didn't I say that out loud? And everyone laughed at me. Paul Tompkins. Johnston. How can people listen to you? What can they hear? Give them the whole slate. Live shows?

Anything happen on the horizon? I'll tell you. There's some things happening. Let's get into it. I have a bunch of podcasts right now all of them are wonderful i'm just gonna say there's thank you very much there's the neighborhood listen that i do with the wonderful nicole parker redford and that is we take posts from next door and we use them as improvisation character improvisation fodder it's ridiculous it's so funny i have a podcast with my

wife called stay of homekins where we started during the pandemic and now we're gonna wind it down to once a month yeah um but we just like we we have dinner and then we have a couple after dinner drinks and have a conversation do you do you feel pressure like how how do you approach that because i know the way you prepare for anything even just preparing to improvise something I know you get in the head to be very much okay I'm gonna be as alert as I can is that podcast that you do with your wife in terms of prep are you like I'm just gonna chill and just have a it's totally that yeah so it's kind of a treat for you to just come yeah yeah yeah we just just talk

about whatever and then once once things started to open up more and we were able to go places and everything, it weirdly seemed like we had less to talk about. Yeah. Because you're doing it. We're doing more. Yeah. And it was also like it became harder to schedule because we had to go places. And the first time it happened where it's like, oh, we missed out on that thing because

we had to stay home and do our podcast. And we're like, hey, we should wind this down. Yeah. Dan did a daily show the night the good night show which was like a show that he did every night

for people to listen to. Every night? I didn't know about how did I not know about this? It's like a little 15 minute like but it was hard to sustain over time

and we did the we did our daily podcast five days a week you know Scalabra Country the virus edition and then at some point we're like

well we gotta just this is too hard. Yeah. Everything comes to, you know. But all that stuff is still up, right? What a time capsule that is going to be. Amazing. Just us talking about these things that are happening to us right now.

Is Freedom the other one? Freedom is the other one, yeah, with Scott Ackerman and Lauren Lapkus, and that's just us just shooting the shit. Silly, silly, awesome, hilarious. Any Largo shows or anything coming up? No, but I do have shows at the Lodge Room. That's right. At Lodge Room in Highland Park.

Yes. I restarted my variety show, Varietopia. The first one was in September and then we got another one coming up November 7th. Is that the one with Carl and- Yes. Carl, Tart, and Drew. Yeah. Tarver did Memphis Can't Spree. Oh my God. god that was wonderful they're so funny those guys um and yeah we're taking it to new york for the first time

i'm gonna be the bell house in brooklyn the best november 12th and 13th all these shows are sold out sorry but there will be more stuff on the horizon yeah that's great that's wonderful very happy to be performing in public again i'll never forget the thing you did a couple years ago and it was on Facebook so that tells you how long ago it was where you were like I'll come to your city

if 300 people say they'll come and do it oh yeah yeah yeah what a wonderful idea and to figure out where your fans are yeah you're like

oh I got 300 fans in Vancouver that'll come see me let's do a show that was a really fun experiment and then Facebook changed their settings and it became impossible to do. But it all took care of itself.

You were able to perform at 300 separate white power rallies. Facebook is really good at organizing those things. Boys, what about you? So we've got live stuff happening. We finally were talking about it. We just came back from Ann Arbor. We just heard that shows

that we were supposed to do in Seattle in November are being moved because the Crocodile is still under construction. just came back from Ann Arbor. We just heard that shows that we were supposed to do in Seattle in November. Are being moved? Are being moved because the Crocodile is still under construction. Okay. Oh, wow. Yeah, so they're kind of renovating it. Nice.

You don't think there's a ghost? There might be a bowling ghost. A bowling ghost. Bowling ghost might be there. No, so that, we're trying to sort of reschedule that in May, but we will be in Tempe, Arizona on December 10th through the 12th at Tempe Improv, December 10th through the 12th at the Tempe Improv and then we added the Denver dates

at Comedy Works January 14th through 16th and then the tickets available for all that stuff it's on our site too DC February 10th through 12th at the Comedy Loft and then Cleveland

which will be at the end of March Hilarities and then we'll probably be back at Moon Tower Comedy Festival in April There you are Kind of doing one a month. One a month.

That's what we said. Very nice. It's great. Not too much, but fun. Listen, while you're in Arizona, please find those missing ballots. We will. That's our whole... It's going to be our whole...

Find you votes. We're asking us to find you some votes. Oh, that's funny. We'll find them all. If anybody wants to hang out with me, go to danielvancurk.com. Wednesday the 27th, we do my movie club. I've seen this one before usually it's one i haven't seen but we're gonna do hocus pocus for halloween love that and then right after

that is hallowingo where it's uh bingo and a costume contest i will be dressed up as well and we raise money for no kill animal shelters big brothers big sisters super fun and food banks in your area if you win plus you can win cookies uh t-shirts can i wear my costume and show up uh i would love to have you there there will be other comics coming as well. Do you know what my costume is? No. I'm number 458. Oh, really?

The squid game. That's great. Thank you. That's great. Dan, can you reveal what your costume is going to be, or is that a surprise? I'm going to surprise it. Okay, surprise it. I will be in character the whole time.

Oh, good. I love it. Fantastic. I mean, we all have a good bit to commit to. That's right. So yeah, there'll be other comics chiming in, calling out numbers, and you'll be able to say hi to them.

And then small group nights, because the tour is postponed until March, are coming back in November. So if you want to do a small camp night hang or Jackbox hang with me, all that stuff, is at danielvankirk.com. You're not going to say where you're going to be for Halloween? No.

It's a surprise. Now people are dying to go to the thing. It's fine. It's like $10, and you get two bingo cards. So if you've got somebody else in your house, each take one, and we'll send it to you digitally. Yeah, or you can VIP for $15, and there's music and fun and comics, and you get four bingo cards and real prizes and money.

Love it. And a good cost. Okay. Let's jump into another story. Ready for this? Yes. Guys, I laughed reading this. You don't normally do that with these stories.

No, because you're like, oh, well, one, how many years have we all been doing this game? But things tickle your funny bone in a weird way, don't they? Randy and I were talking about, not to jump off this real quickly. No, go for it. Jump anywhere. We saw a TikTok video, don't they? Randy and I were talking about, not to jump off this real quickly. No, go for it. Jump anywhere. We saw a TikTok video, which was a vine, of a kid. We saw it separately.

In Ann Arbor, I was with my daughter and James with his son. And my son and I were just laying in a bed laughing for like maybe 20 minutes. I haven't laughed that hard. I've had real hard TikTok. I was like, oh, I might not be able to catch my breath again.

It was this kid in what looked like a to catch my breath again it was this kid in what looked like a classroom like he's like a high school kid and he turns around oh and he's like i'm gonna say it and and the people around him are like say it say it and now we're all like what is he like a computer lab class he turns around and he goes i'm gonna say something i'm gonna say it i'm gonna say it and they're like say it to say something. I'm going to say it. And they're like, say it. You say it. People around him are saying it, but not chanting that much. But it's like there's a real anticipation. Your brain goes through like, is he going to say something

racist? Is he going to say something horrible? What's happening right now? And he looks like somebody who might get picked on in high school. And he's had enough. So he turns and he says, I don't care that you broke your elbow. And people, other kids are like, oh!

I could not stop laughing at this. I don't care. The lesser. I have to find it. It was so funny. I don't care that you broke your elbow. I don't care that you broke your elbow. It was. It literally was the meanest thing he could say in that moment.

He thought it was going to destroy someone. Break down the house. We were losing it. So it hit our funny bone. It hit me in the... Yeah, it's hilarious. Okay, this one's sent in by Jamie Scott at The Clevelander, which I like that. And I also think this is the first time Jamie Scott's ever sent anything in.

Thank you, Jamie. People might not realize this. I look at these threads as we pull this stuff together. I remember people. Of course. I mean, she be Carlene. We get to know her. JJ Albaghini.

So thank you, Jamie Scott, for sending this in. At the Clevelander. You can do that if you want. Send me stories just via Twitter through the thread. It's at Daniel Van Kirk. Hashtag Dumb People Town. Okay, ready for this headline? Haunted house actor accidentally stabs boy.

Guys. Paul, did you do the haunted? That is all you would need for a whole show. Now go. Someone would play the haunted house. Someone would play the boy. Someone's now the lawyer for the boy. Then there's the trial

of the haunted house. Haunted house actor accidentally stabs boy. Was it at the haunted house or was this just in a safe way? Of course. Did you do the Hollywood Hell House? Did you ever do that Jill Soloway's thing? No. I never did. I never did. Did any of you guys ever do the UCB Haunted House back in the old day at Franklin? No. So Hollywood

Hell House. Did you know what it was? Yes. Basically for those who don't know, Dan I don't know if you know what it is but they took scripts that were written by a church in Texas somewhere. There's a great documentary about Hill House. Evangelical church that wrote these scripts about this will happen to

you if you don't believe in Christ. These are haunted houses that we would go to in Rochelle. Yes. It always ended with abortion. Always. The ultimate sin. But there are the moments where you have to get into it. So I guess if you're... If you're working at a haunted house, The ultimate sin. Right? But there are the moments where you have to get into it.

So I guess if you're... Well, if you're working at a haunted house, you're into it. You're into it. You lose yourself in the moment, so to speak. Oh, my God. I'm going to get all M&M in this. I went to a haunted house. I was scarred at a very young age by the haunted mansion. Uh-huh.

At like five. Terrified me. Scared me. I cried through the whole thing. Especially that money is like five. Yeah. I never wanted to go on a haunted house again. It's Disneyland, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's not weird to be there at five. No. No. In that thing, in the haunted mansion at five. Isn't it weird that they have stuff in Disneyland that is potentially scary to the rest of your life? Well, and movies. I mean, if you go back and look at some of the Disney,

this is straight, like, the double feature, there's favorite things I watch every Halloween on now Disney Plus, but there's a double feature of Mr. Toad and Ichabod Crane and the Headless Horseman. Headless Horseman was terrifying. Headless Horseman was very terrifying. Terrifying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, so.

I mean, just rode with reckless abandon. Yes, didn't care at all. Did not use his turn signals. I think I was 25 the next time I went into a haunted house. Dude, that scarred you. And I went to the one on the lake in Chicago. And they had these huge, I'm talking like 14 foot skeleton things in black cloaks. And there was three of them along the wall.

And as you walked by, the first one raised his arm. Then the second one raised his arm. They were mechanical. Then the third one raised his arm and started walking towards me. That's good. Dan, freaked out. I would have loved to have been there with you just screaming.

Lost it. Were you thinking, maybe a mansion is too scary, but a house I could do Yes Yes Because a mansion Who needs that many rooms No money no problem

No money no problem You're asking for ghosts Yes Yes There's an old There's a guy on radio Named Nick DiGiulio He was a Chicago WGN radio guy

And he would tell this story About his He loved horror As a little kid And he loved horror movies And his family was driving Back from Florida And they found a It was like haunted house 10 miles away haunted house four

miles away haunted house next left and his dad said you know what let's do it let's try it chicago dad so they pull up and it's just this unassuming house in the middle of nowhere but it's scary open up and it's a very hokey guy. And he's like, hey, welcome to the haunted house. And they're rolling their eyes. And you get a pin for going here. And they put a pin on. And then they take him into the first room, and it's just paper bats. And he's like, don't watch out for the bats.

And he's like 12, and his dad at the time was probably in his 30s. And he's rolling his eyes. And they go into three more rooms, and everyone is hokier than the last. And then they go into another room, and it's just a person in a chair facing away oh god rocking back and forth and the juxtaposition of that energy all of a sudden he was like oh it got super cold in the middle of nowhere yeah and this no one knows we're here and oh and the person was like come closer and they were like they were like no it was like come here it was like to this day that's the best haunted house because it just lulled you into

like, who cares? That is brilliant. Now I'm not scarier than like gore. That's so good. I know. And I've never forgotten about it. And then like years later, I listened to it because they would podcast his radio show. I listened to it all the time.

And years later, he like brought it up again. And there were people who had also like remember this because WGN is such a huge reach. It's my favorite. But I'm just thinking of the next two hours of driving where the mom is just looking at him like, what did you do? When your dad picked up a hitchhiker and your mom would not speak to him.

Our dad picked up a hitchhiker. It was pouring down rain in the middle of Missouri. We were driving home from the Lake of the Ozarks. And it's pouring. And an old guy, he could have been a ghost, with a gas can. He looked like a slightly old Charlie Manson guy, waving his arms, white beard, white hair.

And our dad starts pulling over, and our mom's like, what are you doing? A net sclar. What are you doing? And our dad was like, he needs help. And so then he came in and sat in between them. In between them in the front of the car. And you get bench seating across the front.

And he reeked of alcohol so bad. I was like, did he drink the gas can? I don't even know. And our dad was like, where are you going, old timer? And I'm trying to get him to where he's going. And our mom was just. The definition of gregarious. He's trying to be nice to this guy and we're like,

do not. Is this a thing that would come up from time to time over the years? No, our mom was good at not bringing this back up, but we were also just like, I can't believe anytime we would see a hitchhiker anywhere, we were like, just drive.

Keep driving. You ready for this story? Berea, Ohio, which is where you want Anytime we would see a hitchhiker anywhere, we were like, just drive. Keep driving. Keep going. Okay, you ready for this story? Yes. Okay. Berea, Ohio, which is where you want the haunted house to be. Absolutely. An actor outside a haunted house accidentally stabbed an 11-year-old Brook Park boy in the foot.

No. My foot. That's how this is comedy. Because obviously he's fine. I would never do this story. Right. In the foot. He's coming out of the flower garden. Right. I am he's fine. I would never do this story. He's coming out of the flower garden.

I am a method actor. I only do things all the way. Having to settle down haunted house actors. Guys, guys, bro, I love that you're at a 10. Everything you're doing is great. It must happen all the time. It must happen all the time. All the time. When you see the haunted house actors that figured out they could put metal on their toes and knees and slide around on the ground.

They love that, too. They love it so much. So much. Oh, and the guys with the chainsaws with no chain in them? No chain in it? Oh. We're getting used to the sound. It's not scary anymore.

I know. I love it. 11-year-old Brooke Park boy, he got stabbed in the foot at about 8 p.m. September 18th. You were early in the haunted house season, September 18th. September 18th. What are they, there for like, you know, dress rehearsals? Is it me? Guys, we're going to do this.

Friends and family night. Preview week. Preview week. And we are taking notes afterwards. That's right. What was your note? No real knives. Okay. You wanted to look fake. What was your note? No real knives. Okay.

You want it to look fake? We'll discuss that. The guy begrudgingly after he stabs the kid is like, fine, no taking. No taking. But we wanted to try it first. Get it on its feet. Get it on his feet. This happened at the Cuyahoga County Fairgrounds

at 164 Eastland Road. If you want to add that to the Dumb People Town walking tour. Get it on his feet. This happened at the Cuyahoga County Fairgrounds at 164 Eastland Road. If you want to add that to the dumb people town walking tour. Put it in there. The actor was trying to scare people walking into the haunted house. He was among several haunted house actors roaming the grounds that night. I'm going to tell you already. There are elements in the story that make it one of the funniest we've ever done. Right.

They're just roaming the grounds. As the boy and a friend approached, the man scraped the ground with a real Bowie-style knife that he had brought from home. No. No, no, no. The haunted house had supplied actors with fake prop knives, but the man decided not to use one. That's it.

There's all you need for a scene. Never bring your own stuff to a production. It will get lost or stolen or whatever. Or you'll stab a child in the foot. Right. Unless you're getting a prop bump. As the boy and the friend approached, the man started stabbing the ground near the boy's feet in an effort to frighten him. One thrust sent the knife

through the boy's shoe, cutting his toe. When police arrived, the boy's toe was bleeding slightly haunted i know he stabbed me that's the owner of the haunted house sliding the reporter was it really it's barely bleeding yes his shoe is red lightly barely haunted house staff had applied first aid police dressed the wound and put the boy's shoe back on. This is a whole bunch of... Now, while they're doing first aid...

You're fine. You're fine. That's what they're saying. While they're doing first aid, can they still be trying to scare her? Like, ooh. Ooh. Yes. Put it on.

The boy's mother... If you put this on your foot. The boy's mother was called, and she drove to the fairgrounds. Of course. Police asked her if she would take her son to the hospital, but the boy didn't want to go, preferring to continue visiting the haunted house. That's right. You got to finish what you started.

Absolutely. Ken wins. Before I even get in there, I got stabbed in the foot. That's right. My toe is a ghost. Best story ever. How are you going to see your crush? That's right. That's right. Further, medical treatment was declined and the boy, his friend, and the boy's mother

all stepped into the haunted house. I guarantee she didn't pay. No. I'm going with. You're not charging me. Absolutely. Who else has a knife in here? The actor acknowledged to police

that using a real knife was, quote, not a good idea. No. Okay. All right. Lesson learned. I'm going to give you guys one. Not a good idea. Not a good idea. But wouldn't go

so far as to say a mistake. He's not saying it's a bad idea. He's saying it wasn't a good idea. It was an idea. But also that had to come from the police first. Do you think this was a good idea? And he had to say, I acknowledge it. It's not a good idea. Imagine he's also in full

regalia having this conversation. He puts not a good idea. Right. Imagine he's also in full regalia having this conversation. He like puts his hand on like his chains, J-Lo puts his hand to his head. It's like when I went to Rome and I saw the fighters in the

Coliseum off to the side just smoking cigarettes and I was like, that's the picture I'm taking. So this is the thing that J-Lo, do you know that like there

was, we read about this in our history books, you read about this as an actual social studies. Social studies. Social studies. Like ancient... I forgot about social studies. An ancient tribe of people, like the oldest tribe. Most primitive

people in the world lived in the Philippines. They're called the Tacitai Indians. And for people who were around our age, they just, you studied that in the book. Is this where that kid tried to go to that island and got shot with an arrow and killed on his Christian mission? Oh yeah. It's not that.

That was something we talked about for a week and then the election happened. The Tacitite Indians... Well, don't go there. I guess it's the moral. Don't believe in God. They're not the most primitive society. They were actors hired by the Philippines government to do what they were doing. So to take pressure

and take pressure off of whatever atrocities were happening with the Philippines government and they're like, look at this, we've got this primitive tribe. So the idea that these were actors, again,

like loincloths but around the corner from the cave smoking, I gotta get back in there and use a stone as a tool. You know what I mean? Can you just stretch a little bit because I'm listening to the game?

Yeah. The actor, acknowledge the police. The actor acknowledged the police. Gotta listen to the Pacquiao fight. Using the knife was not a good idea. He said he didn't intend to hurt anyone. I beg to differ. No. You bring a knife.

You brought it to use it. Police confiscated the knife. Ready for this turn? Later, the actor's mother called saying she wanted the knife returned. Called the police? Yes. It was mom's Bowie knife? Yes.

You're not taking that for my son. Police told her they would hold on to the knife and if no charges were filed against her son, they would then give it back. Wait a second. Do you think he was like mom, call them? Or she was like, call them and ask for it back? Call them and ask for it back?

I'll do it. I feel like thisie knife back. I'll do it. I'll call him. I feel like this mom has probably had to make a lot of calls on her son's behalf. I'm going to ask you. We will get out of here with this. How old is the kid? Number two. How old is the haunted house actor?

Is the actor who stabbed the kid? Yes. Whose mom called to try and get the knife back. We have knives for you. Brought their own knife. Stabbed the kid in the shoe. Admitted it was not a good idea. Wanted knife back.

Cops said no. Mom calls. Wants knife back. Cops say no. Paul. I'm really torn. Me too. Because I think he's either like 22 or 40.

Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's right. I'm thinking the same thing. either like 22 or 40. Yeah, that's right. That's right. That's right. I'm thinking the same thing. I'm going to give a hopeful guess and say 22. Okay. Jay, what do you think?

First of all, don't cast this guy in West Side Story. That's right. Bring his own stuff. That's not okay. He's a massacre. I'm going to say 26. Okay. 26.

Mom's still covering. I'm going to go the 26 Mom's still I'm gonna go The other side Of the Paul F. Tompkins theory Because I myself think This could be an old guy Who just doesn't You know Who hasn't really

I'm gonna say 39 39 One of you Is exactly Oh my god If this is all Paul F. Tompkins So only one person

In history Has guessed exactly right Twice on this show. And that was Kevin Pollak. So you could be the next. But one time he guessed as Columbo, so that doesn't count. That's right. And the other is Christopher Walken.

So, all right, here we go. And the other is his character from That Thing You Do. Okay, you want to stick with yourself or you want to go with one of the Sklars? I'm going to stick with myself. Okay. I have to stick with myself because I'll scholars? I'm going to stick with myself. Okay. I have to stick with myself because I'll be- I'm going to stick with- It's like I feel less bad if I stick with myself

and someone else got it right than if I were to change and then it was yours. So I'm going to stick with mine too. The actor who brought his own knife to a haunted fight- To a haunted fight. To a haunted- Is 22 years old. Two for two.

This is insane. I am. That is. We're watching history happen right here. That was exciting. P.F. Terrific. Just one of the greatest podcast guests ever in the history of podcasts. And he brings it once again.

Legendary. That is insane. All right. We have one Legendary. That is insane. All right. We have one more story. This is exciting. We're going into this break with a lot of excitement in this room. It's like a ghost is haunting this room. Giving Paul F. Tompkins the answers.

Dan, give us a little tease of what we're going to get. And then for those of you who are in our Patreon, you'll get a special extra thing with Paul. It's fast food in Australia. Okay. So that could be anything. Yeah. Well, it's probably got beer in. Okay. So that could be anything. Yeah. Well, it's probably got beer in it. I bet it involves Hungry Jack's.

It's not a beer. All right. Uh, Paul F. Tompkins is Dumb People Town. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Uh, all right, Daniel, take us home. Okay, here we go.

Ready? I just love this story. Let's hear it. Sent in by Professor Demerita at Anne C. McCarthy. Thank you so much. Everything about that is fascinating and interesting. Okay, ready? New Zealand?

Oh, I said Australia. You hope she's tenured? I hope so. I thought Australia. I had forgotten. It's New Zealand. New Zealand police arrest pair trying to enter Auckland with large amount of KFC. This is...

Yeah. So stupid. We're going New Zealand, Kentucky Fried Chicken. Two men have been arrested after police said they found them with a car boot full of Kentucky Fried Chicken and a large amount of cash as they tried to cross the border into Auckland. What are you trying to do? Despite New Zealand's strict COVID-19 lockdown. So a car trunk full of KFC.

Full of KFC. And they have money. Yes. You would have thought they would have spent the money on the KFC. No. So how are they fleshed with money? I think they're out selling it. the money on the KFC.

No. So how are they fleshed with the money? I think they're out selling it. Maybe they had a trunk full and a back seat full and then by the time they got caught

Right. It was just a trunk. They sold the back seat Or they ate the back seat. Or they ate the back seat. So can you get busted with KFC with an intention

to distribute? KFC's so good. KFC is so God damn good. So we did on a live Dumb People Town we did

for our Patreon fans we did the chicken sandwich challenge. People Town, we did, for our Patreon fans, we did the chicken sandwich challenge. Right. Which I don't go out and eat a ton of fast food at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But we did a blind, you know. Was it Popeye's? We did a Paul F. Tompkins Halloween costume taste test.

Blind taste test. So we did Popeye's. McDonald's. McDonald's. KFC and Chick-fil-A. Chick-fil-A. And we thought, okay, we're going to rank these in order of best, worst, bun, all of it, everything. And we thought, okay, it's going to be Popeyes.

Yes, it was for me. And then it's going to be Chick-fil-A. Yes. And then it probably will be KFC. KFC was number one. McDonald's. You guys loved KFC. KFC was number one.

And I will say this. I have since had the Shake Shack, and it's better. Very good. It's better. That chicken sandwich at Shake Shack is good. I'm going to get one tonight. It's really good. Dan, in honor of your performance today,

in honor of Paul F. Tompkins on this show getting two out of two, exactly right. He didn't fall off of it. What I think is because the lockdown, people can't go into other parts of the country where there's a KFC, and then they sell it. But to me, is this like

when you can't bring a certain organism into a country? Yes. It's like, please don't bring any different small pets. We don't want that.

We don't want tiny... Leave your worms at home. We don't want snails like the Simpsons. The Simpsons episode where they bring all the frogs to Australia. Okay.

But wait, so they're within New Zealand. Yes. They're going from one town to Auckland. Yes. Okay. And they cannot- Into Auckland.

I've been to Auckland. It's lovely. Beautiful. The men were arrested after allegedly trying to flee from police near the Auckland border. When their car was searched, police said they found a large quantity of KFC as well as the cash. Now, in my mind, it's just loose in the back. It's not in boxes. It's just loose chicken.

It's like guns on a blanket when you open it up to pick in the back. It's not in boxes. Just loose chicken. Guns on a blanket when you open it up to pick what you want. Rumbling around. Chews. They also found a number of empty ounce bags. By the way. That's just for the little kernels? What movie was this in where someone opened up the trunk of their car and it was just filled with ice and there was beer in there? That was Dazed and Confused.

Dazed and Confused, where there's just beer in the back. I'm like, that to me sounds just lovely. Beyond belief. That's like picnic. You go to a giant picnic or barbecue. Open up the trunk of an old car and it's just filled with- Line it with garbage bags. Gorgeous.

The arrest struck a chord with New Zealanders, especially Aucklanders, who have spent a month in a strict level four lockdown that does not allow restaurants to open or residents to order takeaway food. In such an environment, fast food can take on the aura of high-value illicit substances. Last week, a man was charged by police after posting a social media video of crossing the Auckland boundary in search of McDonald's. So people are being prevented from going into Auckland and getting fast food. You got to get it out. Always good to post a video. It's created like a black market. Yeah.

For people who are like, we'll go get it. We'll sneak back into town and then we'll sell it to you. This has become... Jeez. After the arrest... Yo, I got a drumstick. What do you want? After the arrest, a police spokesman said officers noted a suspicious-looking vehicle

traveling on a gravel road. And upon seeing the police car, the vehicle did a U-turn. Okay, if you have a trunk full of KFC and lots of cash, do not drive suspiciously. No. Don't take a gravel road. And then don't do an illegal U-turn. Right. Yeah. How about that?ly. No. Don't take a gravel road. And then don't do an illegal U-turn. Right. Yeah. How about that? He sped off trying to evade police. The vehicle was

searched and police located the cash alongside empty ounce bags and a large amount of takeaways. Close examination of the police evidence photos revealed at least three buckets of chicken. And just for fun, how many tubs of coleslaw? Do you know that then they're pulling away and they're like, there were four.

There were four. And the cops are like. Right. Yeah, yeah. That's when you skim a little bit. There were four. There were four buckets in there. Paul, how many tubs of coleslaw do you think that they wanted to get to sell on the fast food black market?

Oh, my God. And who is begging for KFC coleslaw? It's all in the trunk, right? Yeah. Three buckets. Three chicken buckets. And then how many tubs of coleslaw? Oh's all in the trunk, right? Yeah. Three buckets. Three chicken buckets and then how many tubs of coleslaw? Oh, it's only three?

How big was this car? They said at least three buckets of chicken, but they could have unloaded more. We don't know what the cops took and then sold on the road. Oh, man, a big bucket of KFC. I just love the idea these guys are just driving around

selling this chicken. Yeah, that's right. I mean, I got, you're literally driving around and anybody wants some chicken. I mean, how do you do that? Like drive on a street corner. I got an original recipe.

I got extra crisp. And I love them, but you know the thighs go last. Yeah. But I love a good chicken thigh. I do too. I do too. Tubs of coleslaw. I'm going to say.

If he gets all three of them right, not to put more pressure. There's no way, but I'm going to say 18. Okay. I'm going gonna say 10 okay seven okay one of you no he's exactly right so now we get to play who do you think who do you think is exactly right paul do you want to stick with yourself or go with someone else what did you guys say i said 10 i said 7 10 and 7. I'm going to stick with myself. You have to. I have to.

If you're the first three-time winner on this thing, I'm going to say I'll stick with me. I'm going to stick with me, too. I know. Even though I've lost twice. Okay. I felt good even though I've lost because I'm psyched for Paul. The tubs of coleslaw found in the boot of this car is 10. Way to go, Jay.

But we still have never had a show where everyone gets one of them. That's amazing. We will get out of here in this. Plus, an undisclosed quantity of fries. How could you know? Undisclosed quantity of fries? I mean, I know it's a different country,

but who gets fries at KFC? The fries are good at KFC. I wonder if they're good. They are. You're going mashed potato or wedges. Yes, exactly. How much cash was found in the car? This will be our last thing, and then we bid adieu to

our visit to the town with Paul and Tom. So you're saying, Dan, that perhaps they did sell, and you were kind of alluding to this before, that they sold a bunch of it. They're at the end of their run. This is what's left. Sure, yes. And New Zealand is dollars, right?

I think, do they convert it to American dollars? We have it in the U.S. We have it in the U.S. Okay. How much cash did they find? They definitely marked it up. I mean- He contemplates.

You know they marked that chicken up and sold it at a huge profit. I mean, I'd like to believe these are Robin Hood type guys I don't think so I'm gonna say $700 okay 700 I think they had like 300 bucks 300 bucks I think they had like 2,500 25 yeah a lot of money so they're selling this at a huge market. The amount of cash found in the back of this car that was being used to legally transport KFC. And we will get out of here on this. One last thing I will say, follow Paul F. Tompkins if you are not already.

What's your handle? P.F. Tompkins on Twitter and Instagram. The reason I will say is you never know. Sometimes tickets get released or people hit up the person doing a show and goes, I can't make it. If there's anybody who can, let me know. And then you throw out a retweet

being like, somebody's got a ticket. That's exactly right. So you never know. Also, one of the best Instagram follows. Oh, wonderful. I go back and look at his... Just for songs about licensed plates. Too kind, too kind.

We still sing Burger King Eye. I hope so. I just want you to know that. Just the big finish. And then go see my sons on the road. They are crushing it. Thank you, sir. And they're coming near finish. And then go see my sons on the road. They are crushing it. Thank you, sir. And they're coming near you.

And then hang with me. DanielVanKirk.com. And I'll be back on the road soon. All right, ready? Cash. How much cash? You know what cash is? $100,000.

Oh, my God. What? That is. That's more than $700. Oh, my God. That would elicit a very suspicious U-turn. You can't even carry... They have to have a drug business as well, right?

Yes. You've got to be... That's what the empty one-ounce bags are for. That's what the one-ounce bags are for. So maybe even the entire car was filled with chicken. How much were they... So they buy the buckets and they say, we're selling chicken,

and then in the bottom of the buckets, they're putting... Maybe this is like a Walter White thing. I wonder what you could get people. I mean, there are people who are so insane about their love of certain fast food places that you could really market. There's no way that's $100,000 worth. People are like, oh, I can't get Dunkin' Donuts coffee.

And you were like, I can get you Dunkin' Donuts coffee. I can get you Dunkin' Donuts. But that's like crazy rich people. $1,000 a bucket? Yeah. No way. I want a taste of home. Yeah.

But I mean. Well, they definitely have a cocaine business on the side. Yeah, empty ounce bags, right? Yeah, cocaine on the side. Right? They're not putting chicken in there. No, they're putting cocaine with the chicken. And that's what they're doing.

I think so. They're saying, hey, dude, that's the 12th urban spice. That's the Shake Shack. That's it, my friends. Paul F. Dobbins, you are the best. Love having you on the show. Thanks for coming by, buddy. This was a blast, as always.

Thank you so much. Pure joy. And to you guys at home. Oh, shit. We've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Lock it down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio.

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