Dumb People Town - Paul F. Tompkins - Mid-Squat, Pants Down, & Unashamed

Episode Date: September 26, 2017

This week, incredible comedian, sartorial dynamo, and podcaster extraordinaire Paul F. Tompkins (Bojack Horseman, SPONTANEANATION) jogs over to Dumb People Town! The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk talk to Paul about trying forging new paths before diving i...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Bandirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music gets the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, talk your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. And Population Paul F. Tompkins.

What? So fast? I made it? Welcome to the show. You're in it. This is the fastest I've ever been brought into a podcast. When you come into town, we get you a seat. We've done a ton of market research. And if we don't bring you in in the first 15 seconds, people are clicked.

He was cleaning his glasses. I really was. I was ready to go back out to my car and get some stuff. Do you record separately? This is really it. Guys, this is insane. This has never been done. We want to

bring you in as quickly as possible. Holy shit. If you had Paul F. Tompkins, that's literally like saying you've got a Ferrari and you're going to walk a half mile before we drive the Ferrari. It's here. It's in the garage.

Fire it up. It's like when you meet your friend's parents and the mom hugs you at the hello. Yeah. You're going in for it. We don't even know each other yet. Oh. This is it. Weird.

You're in. You're in the arms. A lot of trust. That's a very specific example. Yeah. I feel it comes from experience. I have a huggable face. You do have a huggable face you do have a hug your face thanks

kirk is here i'm always here paul f tompkins is here if you recognize his voice it's probably because you're a big fan of bojack horseman which are hilarious or comedy thank you very much or comedy in general or spontaneous spontaneous you gotaneanation, his brilliant podcast, which you should be listening to if you're not already listening. If you like this, you will love that. Just the greatest improvisers in the game and you. It's so funny because to me you are the ultimate stand-up, but you also, and this is why you are going to be so great on this show,

is your ability to be fast and improvise with some of the best improvisers how fun is that just to step outside of what you do and jump into that world it's been so great to uh to be learning a new thing after having been in comedy for such a long time it's really exciting and you know the goal with with spontaneous nation was always to because it's an it's it's sort of a interview and improv show so first i do a um well well, first I do a five-minute monologue before I bring in the guests. Like we do. Yeah. Just like us.

Just like us. But you guys. Just like here. Now I feel amazingly self-indulgent. Just like we did today. And then I chat with the improvisers and then we get into a narrative improv. Yeah. And the goal was to surround myself with the best people so

that i would consistently be the the weak link in the chain um and it would bring my game up and it's been it's been a joy to do it's been such an exciting thing such a different skill set although it's funny because i think your stand-up over the years has moved towards a place of, at the beginning, it was very, you crafted jokes very well. It was very written. You performed it very well, but I feel like there wasn't a lot of deviation from the well-crafted that you did.

And then over time. You opened it up. Yeah, as you became like the guy who would close out every like the UCB show or whatever, you were like, you couldn't do that. You were opening up like every time. And I was like, you're moving towards that, being able to in the moment create.

Yeah, it's been a very rewarding creative journey. And just the process, I feel like the biggest stumbling block always in trying to uh you know advance your your style or your creativity is the feeling that oh no that's not what i do right i'm locked in this is my template and this is what i do and giving yourself the permission to to evolve is i think i think i think that a lot of us take for granted, that you're allowed to do that, and you tell yourself that you're not.

Because why? Because fans of yours will be like, wait a minute, that's not the Paul F. I know. I think it's also, it's the fear of trying a new thing. Of course it feels good when you get to a thing that works, and you feel like, oh, I figured this out. But every so often, you know, I mean, and you can be content with that and that's fine

to say i like this aspect of it i like that i write to a template that is me and it's satisfying when i can uh make it sound like me every time like that's absolutely i'm not disparaging that at all but i think that if that's not the part about it that you like, then you have to be free to say, I'm going to mix it up and I'm going to advance. But also, when I started talking about more personal things, the biggest stumbling block at first was I'm scared to talk about that stuff. I'm scared to open up and share that of myself. So it was very gradual no i it got to a place but that became i i instantly saw the benefits of it because it's so rewarding because you can feel it with an audience they connect when they are saying i know exactly how you feel and you know i'm glad you're talking

about this yes and then they feel like they know you more and they feel more connected to you even if they're not laughing you can even just feel them like most of the times that paul f tompkins they're not laughing yeah paul f tompkins no i get very few laughs and it's usually it's like respectful silence and then a big applause at the end a lot of respect though a lot of respect i have the most respectful audience they will roll a lot of tributes to the troops into your stand-up set just for moments of silence because they're like let's get a few these in here because we're going to get them anyway. Paul F. Tompkins is the quickest comic

from zero to standing ovation as voted from Comedy Insider. That's right. It'll go from the first minute to one hour later, standing ovation. In between, absolute pin drop silence. I'm also running behind me on a screen

excerpts from Zero Dark Thirty. I just put it on mute and show that. Talk about stretching. Talk about stretching. It's mostly like them going through the house at the end. Right. And you just show it's like that's on a loop. It works.

That's not the thing is it works. It works every time. Every time. It works every time. It's good. It captures them. It captivates them. Well, look, the world as we know it is getting dumber.

That is just something that is happening. Actual fact. Actual fact, getting dumber. How do we deal with it? Comedy. We try and understand why the people are doing what they do. And I feel like, as we just said in an interview, Jay, that comedians are anthropologists. We study human behavior and we try and make fun of it.

We either reflect on our own behavior, or we observe other behaviors. You will see in the picture. I collect human skeletons. Wait a minute. What? You and Nick Cage. You and Nick Cage. Well, Nick has the skulls, and Paul has the most extensive collection of femurs in the

comedy community. I will put my collection of femurs in the comedy i i will put my collection of femurs up against any comedian's femur collection you heard it and you you heard it also quality gauntlet laid gitchy guy bring out your femurs he used to sell branded femurs after a show mm-hmm this is merch and he would always say I roll up to a gig and my suitcase is heavy that's right

if I go home and it's light I'm sold I'm sold that's right I'm sorry Rand do you want to give that another go almost got it out I've sold me some femurs

I've sold if I roll up to a gig my suitcase is usually heavy with femurs with femurs if I leave and the suitcase is light heavy. With famous. With famous. If I leave in the suitcase is light, I know I've done well. There we go.

There you go. And that was the key to his comedy. That's right. What's funnier than that? Selling a lot of merch. Leave light. What's a better proof than your funny? Well, Dan, we have our dumb boots on the ground, and they send you the stories.

They do. We don't know these stories. We are like Paul. Paul doesn't know the story. We are completely in the dark. I don't know any stories. We are completely in the dark.'t know the story. We are completely I don't know any stories. We are completely in the dark. I've never heard a story.

So Paul has not heard these stories. Hold on a second. The wheel of my chair fell off. That's what it was? For the listener at home, we're assembling furniture today on Dumb People Town.

If he does this and pulls this off, if not, I'm just going to move here and then we can go there. There's a whole musical chair situation happening. Paul, you may sit here.

I gotta... He's pot committed to it. Oh, no, no, no. He's going whole musical chair situation happening. Paul, you may sit here. I got to. All right. He's pot committed to it. Oh. No, no, no. He's going to move. And we're in a new scene. Okay.

So do we get the story sent to Dan? We don't know them. Dan only knows them. And it's our chance to sort of break down and get into this behavior. So what do we got, Dan? Here we go. This was sent in by Andy Russell at The Russell 4. Two S's, two L's, the number 4.

Beautiful. Green Acres, Florida is about to give us the most Florida opening sentence to an article I've ever read in Dumb People Town. Do you think Florida just has a blind spot at this point? Because it has to know. I think they've leaned in. They have, probably. They've leaned in on the sword yeah of embarrassment like it should be something we come see our famous right if i just read this

with the four of us in this room i know i say this sometimes but i mean it we don't need anything else we don't need no more details all right let's hear the a south florida man was arrested on aggravated assault charges after he armed himself with a machete and a baseball bat during a dispute with his son about a hedgehog. Okay. Now is it Sonic the hedgehog? No. I mean that could just be like any

hedgehog. Maybe it's just TJ Jadakowski from the commercials. By the way most hedgehog discussions get heated. They are gonna not. Yeah. That is not something that you can either whisper back and forth with someone. You know it's going to be intense. It's like politics. Hedgehogs are considered the third rail in family discussions.

And you better come double-fisted with weapons. Absolutely. You can't bring a baseball bat to a hedgehog machete fight. I will start with the bat. Right. If the bat doesn't convince you, I also have a machete. I will start with my words. And it's right here. I will start with my bat Right If the bat doesn't convince you I also have a machete I will start with my words And it's right here

I will start with my words That's right If they don't convince you That's right Then it goes to the bat Then comes the machete I think it starts with words Then it goes to

Muffled under your breath comments Then back up To the bat Tell me Is it possible That the machete was there Just to clear brush To salt

Like to settle the hedgehog dispute? Or create an area in which he could use the batter. He was creating like a batter's box? Yeah. I'm going to just get it. Just clearing brush. Were they having this discussion at a baseball field that was somewhat overgrown? There you go.

Damn it. Details. This outfield is crazy. Ready for this name? Homer Stacy II. This name's so goddamn good. We're going to do it twice. We're doing it again.

Homer. HS2. Homer Stacy the second. He sounds like a cruise that no one wants to be on leaving from Florida. To me, it feels like his father wanted to call him Tracy because there are men that are named Tracy.

But their last are named Tracy. But their last name is Tracy. Tracy Stacy. That's a better name. He wanted it so badly. Tracy Stacy would have been incredible. Tracy Stacy would have been incredible, but his wife convinced him, no, you got to go Homer Stacy. It's too feminine. Honey, it worked for you.

If you get a second, you get to be senior. In your image. My immediate question is, is the son Homer Stacy III? That is a great question. I'll be honest with you. I don't even know if they give us that information. Then we need to assume it. That's shoddy reporting.

Let's assume it. It's on them. Let's assume it. Homer Stacy II. Also known as Junior. Also known as Deuce. True. Guaranteed.

But that's where the second comes in is if you're definitely going to name your son the third. Yeah. You have to. And then his nickname could be Trip. Little Deuce. Trip. That's true. That's where that comes from.

Really? Trip is a nickname for people who are- No. Get out of here. I'll take it. And the nickname Skip comes from if your father was a second and they make you the fourth well if you if they if this if the if the father is the second doesn't name his son the second that son names his son the same name as the father

and then because that would be the third just not in in order. Yes. I did not know that. There you go. I did not know that. Was that fun or no? Did anyone care? Yes. For the listener at home, I can't see the count, so look on your iPhone. That's how long it took us this episode to get to a Johnny Carson impression. That is, I did not know that. I did not know that.

Weird. Homer. I'm going to try it and I can't get there. Homer's about to one-up his own opening sentence. Oh, boy. Homer Stacy II was walking outside his Green Acres home Sunday, pushing a wheelchair with the baseball bat and machete on the seat when deputies arrived. Okay.

So he's got the wheelchair to move his weapons. Also, somehow couldn't carry both. Right. This is a moment. I only have two hands. The same number of. I only have two hands. What do you want me to do with these two things?

Yes. And can we as a nation. Put them on the handles of a wheelchair. Let's stop. Or I can hold them. And let's stop the discrimination of disabled weaponry. As a nation, can we just. They are whole weapons no matter how much we transport.

Let's not just don't call them handicapped they don't like that he only has that wheelchair because he's a guy who likes to say coming through yeah that chair coming through he's a guy who goes to the grocery store that he'd be passing one of those guys like a half whistle but he's like he won't do the full... Because he doesn't know how to do it. Oh, it's respectful to the other grocers. He's the guy who...

Don't you call people in the grocery store? Yes, of course. No, no, that's the people who work at the grocery. I think I meant shop. That's what you call if you're the seventh because there's so many of you, you're the grocer. When you're the 244th... Of something.

Of something. He definitely puts his groceries in the wheelchair and goes around. People are like, sir, you can use a cart. And he's like, nope, I'm good. I have another theory. Is it possible that Homer thought he was hiding the weapons from police by disguising them as a disabled person? Just trying to help my grandmother here.

Trying to help my grandmother. She Yeah. Trying to help my grandmother. She's awful sick. She's sleeping. This old bat. The cop, sir. He just said, this old bat. No. Oh, man.

That was good. No. Sorry. Sorry. I am apologizing. Send all your letters to Jason Scott. I think that was great. Send them to me.

Sir, can I talk to you over here for a second? Hey, wait. Why? You're going to wake her up. You're going to wake her. Homer Stacy was walking with his wheelchair, with his weapons in the wheelchair, when deputies arrived. And you know they were like just like call for backup.

How you doing tonight? That's how we open. Sir, you mind if I talk to you over here for a second? You mind if I talk to you over here? Everything okay? That's why we're here, sir. We're good. We're actually not good.

Have a good night. Is that your wheelchair? Alright, I'll see you later. She has her good days and her bad days. Who does? My grandma. Okay. Is that your wheelchair?

Sir. It's my grandma's wheelchair. Where is she at? Well, she's sleeping, obviously. Okay. I see the blanket. Those aren't legs. What's that?

Do you see? He hit me. She lost her legs to the sugar. To the sugar. Is that him doing it? That's the son. He hit me. Jay, you're rolling deep with the first facts.

That's right. I just feel like he's the type of guy, when you ask him questions, he gives you the answer that qualifies as a technical answer. Like, is that your wheelchair? I got it. It's a wheelchair, and I'm pushing it. like is that your wheelchair? I got it. It's a wheelchair and I'm pushing it. Does that answer your question?

Technically, but I asked if it was yours. I know and I answered you. Do you see it? No, I see it. I need you to stop though. You're still walking. It's a wheelchair not a stop chair. When deputies That line of thinking?

What do you want me to do take the wheels off because then i'll stop uh when deputies asked homer stacy why he had the items this is exactly what we just said stacy said they were quote for his protection mind tell me why you got this for protection that's what a machete yeah we get that we can deduce that this is a state where stand your ground exists like at that point they i don't think the police have any recourse right you know it's like you know they say some people just are looking for a fight and any excuse they can to find one they'll do it yeah homer stacy the second claimed that he had just walked over to tell his son to come get his hedgehog that he left at Stacy's home.

He went over there for a fight. Oh, yeah. Yeah. You don't walk over with two weapons and say, come get that hedgehog. That you left over here. And that's when his son pushed him. That's what I need the wheelchair for. I've been pushed.

Yeah, but you're not in the wheelchair. Wait a second. Why could he not have transported the hedgehog in the wheelchair? Because he went there for a fight. He's not interested in personally removing the hedgehog. I'm sure. And by the way, it's the principle. Right.

That's what I'm saying. Whatever girlfriend he had at the time, I assume they're broken up by the time we're doing this, even if it was a day ago. Who, the dad? Yes. Whatever girlfriend he had at the time, she said to him, why don't you just have Tripp come get the hedgehog? He's like, because his ass needs to come over here.

I'm not taking it out of this house. He didn't want to touch it. You want me to do all the work? Right. Instead, I'm going to go get out your old wheelchair down from the garage, unfold it, grab the machete, grab the bat. They're already very difficult things to push.

Stick them in it and over rough gravel, push his own. He got to the screen door with both hands full of weapons like, well, help. I can't get the. I think he was trying to open the door with his foot. Definitely still holding the handles of the wheelchair. I think he was going to bring the whole thing inside. The whole thing. The whole rig. The whole rig.

Every time I do his voice, I keep doing a lower register when I want to get back to Paul's first, good evening. Very happy. Oh, no. I was doing the cop. Yeah. He was doing the cop coming in to just like i love when the cops always start with how are you how are you doing tonight sir yeah

we're just having a conversation and they're throwing the i'm acting like i'm not about to put pepper spray in your face in about 30 seconds how are we tonight we good yeah are we understanding what we are talking about like our favorite servers at restaurants what do we have what do we have you're not having anything here's my thing this is already a family that is like they've domesticated an animal that should not be domesticated so they've proven that they do things that you're that the hard way you can't go to petco and buy a hedgehog no i don't think you know you cannot i think you have to buy it from someone at a burley there isn't a factory parking lot there is not a hedgehog rescue I don't think you can. No, you cannot. I think you have to buy it from someone at a Burley to South Factory parking lot.

There is not a hedgehog rescue. There's not an infrastructure set up. If you look online, it's like, please do not try and have this as a pet. I wasn't entirely aware that we had hedgehogs in North America. You do. I have a friend who got one for his kids. How did he get it? You got to get them shipped.

Black market style, bought it out of the back of a Ford Focus like you're buying jeans in Russia in 1986. And you just get the hedgehog and the thing lived like a year and then died.

Died of a broken heart. Here's my favorite quote. You can't separate them. Here's my favorite quote that tells us everything we know about Homer Stacy II. As deputies were questioning Homer Stacy II, quote, this is from the police officer, he went back and forth between being cooperative and belligerent.

That's a surprise. Look, y'all, I'm trying to help you, okay? Don't fucking touch me. Look, I'll tell you anything you want to know. Don't you touch it. I got this wheelchair for medical needs you dirty fucking pigs like sir where are we going they just cuff one of his hands because they're half in half out right sir i will put the other one in a cuff yeah when deputy spoke to stacy's son trip he told them that stacy had been drinking heavily and instructed him to go and hurt

someone, but he refused. So the second tells the third. No, no, no. The dad tells the son, go hurt someone. No, I thought it was the other way around. Oh, yeah, because he was drunk. Yeah, he told Homer Stacy the second had been drinking heavily. So the son is the one who called the cops on the dad.

Can we assume that? Definitely. I don't know. The son is told by his dad, go hurt someone. You should go hurt somebody. I mean, well, if we've learned anything from REM, everybody hurts.

Hi, this is Trip Stacy. My dad's drunk. How drunk is he, sir? He just called me up, told me, I gotta go hurt someone. What does that even mean? I don't know. to go hurt someone. What does that even mean? I don't know. You go hurt someone.

I've heard it before. You go hurt someone. Then he said he was on his way over. Do you have a description of him? If we had to find him, what would we be looking for? Well, probably pushing a wheelchair. He's in a wheelchair? No, he's not in a wheelchair.

Who is in the wheelchair? What person is in the wheelchair? Well, he's not in a wheelchair. Who is in the wheelchair? What person is in the wheelchair? Well, this is where it gets interesting. In the wheelchair will most likely be some sort of implement or implements. Okay. So like a- Perhaps sports related. Uh-huh.

Perhaps garden related. Okay. Maybe a combination of both. Okay. Okay. So he's in a wheelchair. No, he's not in a wheelchair. So who's pushing the wheelchair? He's pushing the wheelchair. But who's in it? It's not a who. It's more of a what. Okay. Okay. So he's in a wheelchair. No, he's not in a wheelchair. So who's pushing the wheelchair?

He's pushing the wheelchair. And who's in it? It's not a who, it's more of a what. Okay. In a wheelchair. Yeah. Is the thing in the wheelchair disabled? No.

I mean, I don't think so. Should we be worried when we roll up on him, sir? Yeah, y'all should be worried. Okay. I mean, that would be the wise play. Stacey's son said he was leaving this is what he told his dad that he was leaving to go see his mother when stacy started yelling at him and stabbing a door with a knife yeah wait he had a knife too of course he did

got an ankle knife you don't roll around florida without an ankle knife by the way a knife tells you that he like i understand having a third gun. Okay. The first two. Really? Well, the first two jam up and don't go up. Sure. The first two.

If the first two guns you have don't jam up. Knife means I'm going to be up close in this combat. And, like, where do you expect a bat not, like, to jam up? Or a machete to not work the way it should? I never jam. That's true. the way it should. I never jam. That's true. Machetes never jam. It's his tiny little secret knife.

He calls it a hooker's knife. And he's in the boot. He's got it in a boot. And he's stabbing the door, though. Right. That's the moment when you're taking out the frustration. Jay, you're stabbing in a downward motion to me. I feel like he's just jamming at a door.

From the hip. Yeah, from the hip. Just jamming it in the door. Get this door right in the gut. What'd you say to me i feel like he's just he's jamming at the door from the hip yeah from the hip just jamming in the door get this door right in the gut what'd you say to me huh he is arguing with the door i'm picturing a screen door is anyone else picturing a screen door yeah just cutting it that would be great uh let's see what happened here oh so then he said to go he go go he left to go see his mom the son he couldn't handle't handle anymore of Homer Stacy the Deuce. Sure. He started yelling at him and stabbing the door with a knife. Stacy's son said his father pushed him, so he left and snuck in later to gather his belongings.

Snuck in is in quotes. I think because he probably showed him the window. I have no idea. Snuck into his own house later. Homer Stacy the Second was already gone. He later encountered Stacy outside, and they started yelling at each other. Hey!

Hey! Here we go. Hey! Oh, hi, Daddy. Hey! Hey! I didn't see you there. Think you're better than me?

What? No. No, Daddy, no. Would you look over here at this screen door? Yeah. Tell me who's better than who. Why did you stab the screen door? I didn't do it.

Who did it? A man with power. You did it. Who is that? We saw you do it. We all saw you do it. You did it. I'm a powerful man.

Look, I'm not saying who did it. I'm just saying I'm powerful. You are now connecting dots in a way that we don't like. It doesn't take that much power to stab a screen. Takes power to drink ice house. Daddy, I'm going to call the cops. Don't. Come here.

Let me push you. No. I'm not going to let you. Let me push you. Then go hurt somebody. No. Then why don't you go hurt somebody? Who?

I don't know. Find your own screen door and laugh. You want me to go pick a screen door and start stabbing it? If the hurt fits, shoot it. If the hurt fits, shoot it. If the hurt fits, shoot it. You heard my... What is this all about? What is this even all about?

Just get your hedgehog and leave. Homer Stacy 1 was never nice to me. 1. Grandpappy? Yeah? Old Peepaw? Yeah. He's never nice.

And Uncle used to laugh. Uncle used to laugh. Go look at that door. A man of power did that. He saw the door. A man of power. Look at me. Power.

All right. Just get your hedgehogs and go. Come here. Turn your wheelchair around. Let's have a pushing contest. Daddy, where's Tanya? Why isn't Tanya looking after you? She should have never let you come over here.

89 cents. Fish filet. Burger King. All day. What's that? Listen. 89 cents. Fish filet.

Now you have a pair of hedge clippers sitting in the wheelchair. What does that mean? What are you doing? They were tired of walking. I could do this for an hour. All day. All day. All damn day. They started yelling at each other

Stacy's son said his father took off his shirt, picked up the baseball bat and held it as though he intended to hit him with it I'm going to run into this swing while Homer Stacy II was sitting in the back of the deputy's car he could see his son, this is after he's been arrested

he's already locked up in the car he could see his son this is after he's been arrested yeah he's already locked up in the car yeah yep he could see his son and began screaming at him threatening to kill him homer stacy the second is mad yep he's channeling at the third who's done nothing except i don't get this out here now and go to his mom's house as far as we know yes we don't know we don't really know, is what Paul's saying, and he's right. We don't know what egged him on. Also, his identity, the son, is being protected in this article. It is, but we know. That's interesting.

Very much so. Yeah. Homer Stacy II was booked into county jail on two counts of aggravated assault with a deadly weapon and one count of simple assault. He remained in jail Tuesday morning without bond. I'm going to ask you guys, adjust for Florida. Okay. How old is Homer Stacy II?

The debt. Pushing a wheelchair with a machete and a baseball bat whoever gets it right will not only get a point they will get to see what he looks like first may i go yeah may go first second or third it's up to you you can choose anywhere you want i'm gonna say he's 50 years old 50 years but looks oh 70 absolutely okay i going to say he's 59 years old and looks like an alligator. So you... Okay. This guy's 41 years old.

41. He is not 50 years old. I love that you guys are thinking that he's 38 and his son is like 18. I say he's 41 and his kid's like 25. Okay. Homer Stacy II is... Is... Play along at home, guys.

53 years old. Oh! Paul F. Look at this man. Oh, shit. Oh, my God. This may be... That's like the guy...

He looks alarmed. By the way... This is not going his way. Me? He just kept going me i need you to stop saying me so we can take the photo me by the way sir can you please tone the crazy eyes down just a little bit and that is what i'm relaxed as hell right now this paul is toned down i'm not gonna lie i'm incredulous y'all

what do you want from me i thought i played everything the right way I could take a nap I'm drowsy Did y'all have tryptophan mist in the back of that squat car? I told y'all I do not have eyelids This is me This is me as a droopy eyed person Apathetic me

If I'm gonna sleep here Y'all gotta put a cover over my head like I'm a parrot in a cage. And if you're going to talk to me like that, come here with your chin out. No, I'm not coming over there, sir. No, no. He's going to bite me. Do not do it. I love it.

I love it. How old is the son? They don't even know. This guy is all this detail. It may even be a daughter. Interesting. In my heart, he's 11. 53 and his 11-year-old son.

He's expecting a lot out of him. Danny's playing. Is that first story down in the books? That is our first story. Oh, man. Out the gates. When we come back. Amazing.

When we come back. Okay. Possibly one of the most ever sent to me stories. A story that so many people have sent to you. Really? Love it. I love it. There's more DPT right after this.

With PFT. With PFT. You know me. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. If you want to see Crazy Eye's picture of Homer Stacy, please join the Facebook page. It's just rapidly growing.

Yeah, we have a wonderful Facebook group update later on today. Oh, can't wait for that. We're closing it on 12 update later on today. Oh, can't wait for that. Closing it on- Can't wait to be here for this. Closing it on 12,000 town members. Nice. And Noah just alerted us that the son's name is 18 years old and his name is- Jacob Stacy.

Jacob Stacy. Jay Stace. Jay Stace. Jay Stace the first. And that's it. Hey, by the way, Paul Tompkins, who I follow on the social media, is a phenomenal social media follow. Thank you. He is one of my favorites when my feed comes.

That's very nice. And I want to tell you that I thought you were hilarious in Bajillion Dollar Properties. Thank you. You were amazing. Which, by the way, a show that I think we'll find another. I hope so. We were in the same boat. We had a stand-up special that was supposed to be out on cso september 14th for our fans and people who are listening because a lot of people

asked because we went there we are trying to get it elsewhere so just stay tuned for that but the one of the reasons we wanted to do it on cso was that show we said bajillion is so good and shrink is so good oh my god and then oh god is tim baltz but but that kind of is what we were talking about about that ability to take the kernel of what the scene is and improvise it yeah that's i mean that character in that show your character was ridiculous thank you if people haven't seen bajillion dollar properties i think they could still check it out i think cso is still there and i think you could see it via amazon and apple tv and a few other places but uh it's it's one i think it's my favorite thing that I've ever been a part of.

It's such an amazing cast. Kulav Vilaysak created it. She's the absolute best. And it was a dream to work on for all four seasons. All three seasons are available now on iTunes. Right. Nice. We have a complete fourth season that's been shot.

Which we're in. Which you guys are in. We're in the fourth season. So silly. So many good people in complete fourth season that's been shot. Which we're in. Which you guys are in. We're in the fourth season. So many good people in the fourth season. And so we're hoping that we can find a home for it. We're still looking, but you know. I think it belongs somewhere. So I was like,

before I had kids, I did not know what Million Dollar Listing was, but now I need it so I can go to sleep at night. But like literally, I knew it so well. I love the show because I think it does a brilliant job of turning that on its ear Randy had never seen any of those shows we were the perfect test thing there you go so I didn't even know from what you guys what that show was lampooning and I'm like it

stands on its own absolutely there is show absolutely I'm glad to hear that because of the improvisers in the world that they get in. I think we all understand that, especially real estate in Los Angeles, is ridiculous. Those people are ridiculous. Sometimes it's hard to lampoon them because they're so fucking ridiculous. They're already over the top. But this was just beautifully done. I mean, that is the thing with reality TV is that making fun of it is almost pointless because those shows, they know what they're doing.

So they're in on their own joke but what we did is you know that's absolutely just a jumping off point you don't know anything about those shows or about real estate it's just like we're doing these improv scenes they're like little sketches um you know when we go out in the field and and we have a lot of guest stars who are pretending to be people that are interested in buying or selling properties and then the stuff that happens in the office is sort of the sitcom aspect of it where that is like an overarching story right it's an improvised office comedy that's how i would describe it yeah it's but we but in the scenes that we did what i loved is the the gamut at which it spans in terms of the types of comedy. So we had the most physical comedy moment. I don't want to give it away,

but it was crazy that we've ever done that we've ever done. Who were you guys with? We were with, uh, with man, man, who's unbelievable, by the way,

almost impossible to break. Oh, she never breaks. She never breaks. We got her to break. We got her to break. No next scene, which was like,

guys, that's an honor. It's a simple scene. Okay. The next scene, which was like. Guys, that's an honor. It's a simple scene. Okay. The next scene was like such a small scene. Just had to say our names. Just had to say our names. Which they created, which were ridiculous.

Always. Mine was George. Yeah. And mine was, mine was Gregory. Gregory and yours was George. And she said, she kept saying George. Are you saying George? And I kept saying, are you saying George? And I'm like, no, like George Washington.

And she's like, so you're saying George Washington? No, George Washington, our uncle. Our uncle! We just kept pushing it. And it was making us laugh. All of us. It was like, again, one of those simple. So we had just come from like a ridiculous physical

scene and then to a simple, tiny little scene that we could not get through because we were all laughing. Absolutely. It's a fun, silly show. I love it. All right, Dan, is this the story? Are you going to give us the story that is the most sent to you story that we've had? This was sent in, to the best that I can tell, I went through my Twitter timeline.

To go back to the first person who sent it to you. Explain, because I believe that Paul Tompkins, as great as he is and his followers, will probably be bringing new people to the show who have never heard this before. Anybody can send a story. If someone wanted to send you a story, how would that person be? Just at DanielVanKirk, hashtag dumbpeopletown. Great. And then just send it to me.

And I always try to go for the first person who sent it. I tried my best. I'm 90% certain it's this guy on Twitter. Sent in by Justin Young at JerkStore83, which is a great jerk story. Sent it in at 2.48pm

on the 17th of September. If somebody sent it in before then on Twitter, let me know and I'll say apologies. You gotta prove it. Screen grab the tweet. Screen grab. Send me that tweet. Screen grab. Screen grab the tweet. Screen grab or GTFO. Colorado Springs, Colorado. Oh, boy.

The Buddy family says it doesn't know how it came to this. Are they like the Duggars? Is that the headline? The great opening line. That's the opening line. That's the opening line. Okay right the buddy by the way i know i know this is a local paper but i am 100 in on this story i now need to know how it came to this and what came to what the buddy family says it doesn't know how it came to this we don't either

the entire family agrees on the colorado springs family has spent weeks trying to get a mystery woman they've dubbed the Mad Pooper to stop defecating in their neighborhood right outside their house. Okay. Kathy Buddy says her kids... Are these the... I know the name is different, but I'm just going to assume they're the Duggars, right? Yes.

They're the people from Eight is Enough or something like that. To me, the name, the Buddy Family, sounds like it would be something in Highlights Magazine that would teach you a lesson about manners or something. Of course. The Buddy Family is great. You've got to use the Buddy Family system. Right.

You have to pair up with another family whenever crossing the street. Whenever going somewhere, you got to pair up with another family. Billy Buddy won't open the door for a lady. Billy Buddy's new to school. Billy Buddy needs friends. Billy Buddy needs to reexamine his manners. Billy Buddy likes to spit on the floor. He just keeps getting worse.

Billy Buddy likes to spit on the floor. He just keeps getting worse. Kathy Buddy says her kids first caught her, the mad pooper, mid-squat, pants down, and unashamed. I was going to say, how do they know it's a woman? But there's your answer. Also, children, always the most reliable sources. Of course. 100%. Also, we just got a brand new t-shirt

that all it says is mid-squat pants down and unashamed dumb people town that absolutely has to be that needs to be 100 and not a picture of a woman squatting but like a stick figure of just like a bent down person oh Oh, I think an American flag. Just a simple American flag with that legend. I like Paul. I was like, what if these kids are just amazing? They didn't see that it was a woman, saw that there was feces on the ground,

and with toothpicks and whatnot, archaeologists were going, this is a female. This is a female. And then they looked up and said, I guess problems do come in twos. And then the who starts. What expression is that a play on? It isn't.

It's nothing. But you're doing the beginning of CSI Miami. He's doing the beginning. Oh, I know exactly what he's doing. The best was. I wish everyone was here to see Jason come to my defense and Paul go, I know what it is. My issue is not the reference.

It's the colloquialism. I guess problems do come in small packages. Well, I guess bad things come in small packages. I guess what we have here is a case of the dumps. Looks like somebody's down in the dumps. I guess this is what happens on your morning runs. So a human being is running in daylight i literally stopped for a second because i was thinking of the facebook group when i post this story and people putting their own their own opening line that tosses to the who in csn r.i.p mid-squad pants down and unashamed dumb people town uh quote they are like there's a lady

taking a poop so i come outside begrudgingly i'm putting the you know okay kids mom doesn't need to you know have any time i had a dollar for every time you said that so i come outside and i'm like are you serious kathy buddy recalled quote are you really taking a poop right here in front of my kids? The mad pooper looked at me and said, yeah, sorry. Yeah. Sorry. Acknowledgement and apology. By the way, unlike Bigfoot, there's communication here.

Right. This is real. The mid pooper looked at her. Did you call her the mid pooper? Mad. The mad pooper. You said mid. You said mid.

And said... She was mad squat. Yeah. And said... The mid pooper was mad squat. Yeah. Sorry. But when we say mad pooper, it's a play on mad hatter.

Right. And it is... Or mad bomber. Yes. It's somebody that's going around doing this... Unhinged. Unpredictable. You don't know when

it's where they're going to strike next right yeah right okay so it's not a question of her mental state being mad no it's more well you know that is but it's also more a question of like her pooping habits are mad they're crazy sure exactly they more the mad describes the pooping it's not anger it's not anger no it's not she's not angry at the poop she's not mad at it you're just pointing at it like hey you i know you kathy buddy says and it's not like it's private people can see you i mean we are seeing her kathy really wants to hit home yeah this is right i'm watching this happen maybe maybe she thinks she's a ghost uh you don't know i'm gonna show you guys a picture of the mad pooper. They have not identified this woman. No.

Every morning, she is ready to go. No, real. She's ready to go. Oh, they got a picture of her. She is ready to run. That's a full cardio outfit. That is a person who's out for their daily run and was like, I'm going to shit here. Does she have, is she holding a water bottle?

Well, I think it's napkins. Dan, she does not look that healthy. Let's be honest about it. What are you, that's a runner's physique. Yeah, true, but like she doesn't look that mentally healthy. That's also a meth head's physique. I don't even know how you're judging that. The family says it was just the first time it actually caught the runner doing it.

Kathy Buddy says, I thought for sure she's mortified. It was an accident. She'll go get a dog bag, come back, clean it up. And you know, never run here ever again. Not the case. Wow. That was her full quote. So this woman, this is on her running path.

Yes. This is her shitting station. Yes. It just so happens to be someone's house. Can I just say, and I'm about to reveal something that happened to me the other day. Oh, here we go. And I don't know if it's just because I'm getting older, but I usually, when I walk my daughter to school in the morning, I have a full cup of coffee, brush my teeth, rinse

with the fluoride. Keep going. More details. Floss twice a day. Who owns the movie rights? Can you please tell us where you got this wheelchair? She's asleep.

No. Walk my kid to school. It's about three quarters of a mile away. And I did not, I should have peed at the school. Big mistake.

Or on it. Huge mistake. You had to go badly. Big mistake. Or on it. Huge mistake. You had to go badly. I had to go so badly. My wife was walking a little bit ahead of me. She was with some friends, and I had the dog with me, English Bulldog. We walked slowly. I start walking back, and maybe a third of the way into it.

I should have gone back at that moment. I should have gone back to pee. You should have turned around. I did not go back at that moment. I should have gone back to pee. I did not go back because I'm like, I think I can make it home. I start walking. I'm now halfway and I am literally, every step feels like I'm going to pee all over myself.

And I have to go up a big hill. Yeah, I know it. You know where I am. I got to walk up a big hill to get to my house. I start walking and I can't decide if I should start running or walking. I run into my crazy neighbor and I talk to her for a little bit, but I'm like trying to go. I'm like, I really, I got to get, I got a conference call or something I got to get to.

It is like starting to come out. Are you breathing? I am. I'm trying not to breathe too much because at the end of the exhale, it like the little thing goes off and it's about to come out. The little thing? The little thing. What is the thing that you-

Honey, is your little thing going to go off? Didn't you have the thing that... I can't even remember what it was. I had a stent inside of me. Yes, that's what I'm saying. A stent inside... Whatever. I was like, this is going to come out of me. I swear to God, it's going to be all... And if I see any of my neighbors, I'm just going to have peed all over myself.

Yeah. I'm now clutching my private parts. Not a good look. Running full speed down the street of my neighborhood. Not a horrible look. It's a terrible look. Not a horrible look, but. It's just not the best.

Yes. You're waving at your neighbors while holding your drink. I get to my gate of my house, to the front yard. Where you have a little fountain. I have a little. Which probably did not help no no we're fountain on and making the noise i can no longer control myself i am incontinent i cannot control what is happening on me right now and i literally just it all came out and i peed

all over myself did you yell just to the heavens sorry i just was yeah sorry believe as a grown like i don't have this control i misjudged the situation so poorly i have just soiled myself so at that point are you just stopping and letting it happen i walked over to the bushes and finished up in the bushes in my front yard. Sure. But I had already just. Has the dog watched you? Yes. Randy. Are you a college kid?

I was. I could not believe what was happening to me. And my first thought is like, oh, my God, I'm dying. My second thought is like, I can't believe I don't have the control. And my third thought is maybe I relate to the mad pooper. Yeah. But you're just a peer. Well, you just had the third thought now.

Or did you have a thought? It was an open thought process. New thoughts can come on at any time. That's true. You shouldn't close the door. So what'd you do with your clothes? You went inside and just threw them right in the washer, oxy-cleaned them, the shit out of them.

Good God. Pee's sterile. Bear Gryllis drinks his own pee. That's what I kept saying to myself. Yeah, all the time. Yeah. Not just for the show. No. no and you bathe in it he's not even in survival mode no there could be a perrier he developed a taste for it sure it's actually not that bad kathy buddy estimates i need it kathy buddy estimates that the runner leaves behind human waste at least once a week and that she knows what she's doing and plans for it

by bringing napkins in her pockets. Napkins? Kathy says, the mad pooper has been at it for, and I'm going to ask you guys, how many weeks? How many what? Weeks. Oh, weeks. Oh, Jesus.

I thought you said years or seconds. How many weeks? Paul, do you want to go first, second, or third? I'll go third. Okay. All right, I'll go first. I seem to remember another story that we covered like this. Rand, did we do this?

Might have been another person. Could be the same person on this person's track. I think she's been doing it for eight weeks. Eight. Yeah. Jason Sklar. Two months. Randy Sklar.

To me, this feels like a situation like back in the day when we would listen to American Top 40, and they'd be like, this is the number one hit for 27 weeks. 27 weeks. This woman has been pooping. She's been dropping her pants, but she hasn't been dropping on the charts for 27 weeks. 27 weeks. The Mad Poopers have gone 27 weeks.

This letter comes from Donna, Omaha. Will you please play Wind Beneath My Wings? Paul Tompkins. I'm going to say, I'm going to split the difference and say 14 weeks. 14 weeks. Here's why I feel like it's very hard to judge because they have pictures of this person. Yes. That you would think she would have been identified if it's more than two weeks.

Right. You know what I mean? She's seen her in two places. The Mad Pooper, according to Kathy Buddy, has been at it for the last seven weeks. Right. You know what I mean? She's seen her in two places. The Mad Pooper, according to Kathy Buddy, has been at it for the last seven weeks. Wow. Yay. Thank you. Not bad.

Kathy can't help but laugh at the absurdity of the whole situation. Two other times we've caught her. I can help but laugh at it. I can absolutely help but laugh at it. Two other times we've caught her. Caught her yesterday. She changed up her time a little bit because she knew I was watching. Now we've got a tet-a-tet going on here.

Why still do it? Once you've been gotten by this woman, is it... So now my question is, is this something that she gets... There's a fetish. There's a fetish involved. There's definitely a fetish. Like there's an excitement to pooping in front of people. And I think there's an excitement to being caught in front of people and i think there's an excitement

to being caught truthfully well there's probably something that gets her excited now the colorado springs the police department is involved the department is just as baffled how many times have we heard a police officer say something like this in dumb people town it's abnormal it's not something i've ever seen in my career never seen seen it. Sergeant Jonathan Sharketti. Sharketti. Yes. My favorite. You know, like, the week around his birthday, he calls it Sharketti week.

And you know his hands are in the air when I read this quote. For someone to repeatedly do such a thing, ellipses, it's uncharted territory for me. Yeah. I don't know what you guys want. We're off the grid here. I'm not used to this behavior. I don't even have a box for this on the citation. We are through the grid here. I'm not used to this behavior. I don't even have a box for this on the citation. We are through the looking glass.

By the way, uncharted territory means he's deciding what weapon to use on her. Like, can I tase her mid-poop? What are we doing here? Officers have asked Kathy Buddy to take photos of the woman to help identify her. They say the runner could be facing charges. According to a local man, Mark Odette, there's no place for this kind of thing in Colorado Springs. Quote, it's just not. By the way, no place for this kind of thing anywhere.

Not just Colorado Springs. It's just not. Everything he says, one sentence, and there's about three things wrong with it. It's just not a natural thing. Wrong. No, it's the most natural thing. That we do in our society. Well, someone is doing it. To drop your trouser and relieve yourself right there

when you know there's other people around. You don't know that she knows that. Did he finish that sentence by saying, I'm Marco Debt, and I'll leave the light on for you. I wrote right here here who will make and i'll leave the light on for you this is actually how he ends it uh it's not a natural thing to do in our society to drop trouser and relieve yourself right there when you know there's people around especially just threw that in yes he's allowing for you might do it if you think no one's right

you want to hear how far down the rope kathy buddy is quote i put a sign on the wall that's like please i'm begging you please stop she ran by it like 15 times yesterday and she still pooped fifth wait so she's just doing shuttle runs back and forth yes she's doing a shuttle run she's doing gassers or ladders or whatever high school coach she had until it starts to make

its way down her colon oh my god there is a fetish involved wait wait wait what if this is the only way she can shit that's right then

you feel for her yeah then you feel for her we said this before about there was a guy there was a time when the Stanley Cup which is the hockey trophy. When you win the Stanley Cup trophy, each player on the winning team Did you just explain to me what the Stanley Cup is?

I told myself, Paul, I'm like he's doing it for the listener. The one listener. The one listener. You may not know this, but we have a lot of sports fans who listen to our show. But listen, listen.

That was the beginning of CSI Miami. This is like the Super Bowl of, okay, it's where football, they have a contest. Imagine if on skates, these guys are hitting a black with a stick. All right. So you win the cup, and then each player gets it for a day. Or for a week. Or a week or something like that. Is that all it is?

Chris Draper. Chris Draper of the Detroit Red Wings. Was he potty training? Yeah. He let his kid poop in the cup. Disgusting because people drink from that thing. That's true. And also, that's such a dangerous precedent.

If you've ever potty trained a kid before, now maybe the only time you're kicking shit is when he's on championship hardware. So you've got to call up the Williams sisters. Bring over a Wimbledon plate. Get them over here. We've got to do that. Replicas won't do. They will not do.

So this woman now, this is her pattern. She can't do anything else. It's the same thing. Come on. Maybe it's some people in this room. You don't have to say it. But at least we all know people who only can poop in their house. Yeah.

Yeah, sure. She can only poop outside. Outside. On this woman's lawn. Maybe she used to live there. That's what I was thinking, too. She's trying to exercise an old ghost. Kathy, buddy.

Look, it's not like I'm rushing into your house uninvited. You're not shitting in your living room. I'm just doing it in front of your kids on your lawn. Relax. It's poop. It's only... Kathy Buddy's family members say one of the worst parts is that they can't figure out the woman's motives.

There's plenty of... This is a quote. There's plenty of public restrooms less than a block away from where she's targeting. And you know what? There is. This is intentional. There is plenty of public restrooms. Kathy also let reporters know that other people have come forward in Colorado City and say they have had the same thing happen to them.

They've seen the Mad Pooper strike outside of a Walgreens and in people's backyards. Now police in the community, and by that they mean dumb people town, are hoping this story and photos posted online will help flush her out. There we go. If you can help identify the mad pooper, you can get in touch with the Falcon Division of the Colorado Springs Police Department. The elite strike force. Yeah, they're on it. Colorado Springs.

They have been trained to kill. Finally, we got one, guys. They have been trained to kill. The reason we were formed in the first place. Your 19 years of training have culminated in this moment. Falcon team, regroup. A quick group text, the egg is in the nest. I'm not saying this is ever going to happen,

but better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it. Right, because if you do need it, how do you know what to call yourself? You're ready. And guess what? We need it. They need it. And we got it. If you want to get in touch with the falcon division of the colorado springs police department and i hope

at least one of our fans records themselves calling in the falcon division you can do it at 719-444-7240 there you go i'm gonna ask you guys now i put on Twitter three days ago when we were recording this I believe it was three I said somebody goes hey how many times you haven't sent the pooper story oh this is a great I'm putting the over under at 50 and I said I retweeted and said on Twitter get your bets

in now so I'm going to ask you guys two questions I went through my timeline last night so as fresh as I could get and I counted every single person that sent it to me on Twitter. I'm going to ask you two questions. Paul, you can decide if you want to go first, third, or Tig. That's her spot. She gets in

the second spot. Do you take the over or under on the number I'm going to give you and what is your exact? Okay. The over under is 50. Okay. 50 times. So was it sent to Dan dan more or less what is your exact guess paul what spot would you like to was it was it sent to you okay i'll go i'll go i'll go third okay who wants to go first jason uh definitely over and i'm gonna say 67 okay over and 67. I say over 82. Over and 82.

Let me understand the concept again. Okay. Over and under. Over or under. Is 50. Is 50. So just tell me whether or not you think I was sent this on Twitter only, because I got to send a lot on the Facebook page too, but that's harder to track. Just on Twitter, was I sent it more or less than 50 times?

And then tell me your exact guess. Obviously, you were sent it more than 50 times. And then tell me your exact guess. Obviously, you were sent it more than 50 times. Okay. I'm going to say you were sent it 150 times. Whoa. Wow. All right, Jason, what was your number exactly? 67.

And Randy? 82. 82 from Randy. 150. The correct answer in over under is over. Okay. And the amount of times, as of me looking last night and counting as best I could. By the way, everyone shout at your transistor radio right now.

Most people listen to this on a little, take out the little earplug. The whole house needs to hear this. Yep. Put it up to the CB so those northbounders can hear it. Unless you are, if you are in jury duty right now. Leave it in. Leave the earpiece in. But do yell out your number just really quickly.

Yeah. The exact answer is 51 times. Oh, geez. That is such. I'm two for two. 51. We were so close to a greatest over under oh damn i know

fantastic i know with a with a margin of error of plus or minus three that makes me laugh so hard and i even looked at everybody that got their bets in to see if we had any twitter followers get

the get it exactly nobody had oh my god this is great all right story two bets in to see if we had any Twitter followers get it exactly. Nobody had. Oh, my God. This is great. All right. Story two down in the books. When we come back, one final story with the great Paul F. Tompkins and an update on the Dumb People Town Facebook page.

Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. As we mentioned, join the Facebook page. Rate and review this. Tell friends about this show. We love doing this.

Yes, please. iTunes, those rate and reviews. Just keep everybody knowing what we're up to. Any live live shows for paul coming up soon that people can see you um the universe unfortunately nothing that is uh oh yes i'll tell you two things okay great um these are both at largo at the coronet they're both in the future. Great. October 29th, I'm going to be participating in a live reading of Plan 9 from Outer Space. Phenomenal. Dana Gould has put this on many times.

I did it one time before. So much fun. It's so much fun. We just read the script. It's a bunch of great people. By the way, if I were doing a reading, like if you were building, everybody says this, if you're building an NBA team, who's your first guy? If I'm doing a reading sure this guy right here is that i start with him i can read outward yes he's so good at that's a sunday night i believe yes it is sunday night

okay uh me janet varney um matt bronger um so many good people so good um uh nate mooney and deborah baker jr from stand against evil um it's's so much fun. I had such a good time doing it. Like immediately after, because Dana had asked me to do it a number of times. I couldn't do it. He's done it in various places. He was always kind enough to ask me. Finally it worked out.

I wrote him that night afterwards, like please let me know when we can do this again. It was so much fun. And then November, I think it's November 4th at Largo. It's a Saturday. The old gang from the, God, what the hell? I just know because of our stand-up dates.

God damn it. I wish I wasn't bad on it. I know. That's hilarious. I know. The old Throwing Adventure Hour gang is reuniting. We're going to do a show to benefit the Anti-Defamation League because we're all kind of feeling like we don't like fascism. So we're feeling a little uncomfortable.

Yeah. So we're going to get together and do some old episodes that are all around. We did a lot of segments of the show that were where we battle Nazis and so we're going to be battling them again okay phenomenal we need it now more than ever

yeah exactly so November 4th paulftompkins.com slash live you can find tickets to all that stuff what about the next stand up

hour album what have you is that I don't know I don't have any material right now and nothing's really coming to me.

It's a weird thing. I've never been in this position before. Well, you're busy with a lot of other things. That's also true. When your creative energies go into other things, it is hard to sit down and generate stand-up. Yeah, yeah. All right. Well, I look forward to the next one when it comes.

All right. We got one more story, Dan. What do we got? Here we go. This was sent in by Lance Rodeo at Lance Rodeo. Not his first Lance. Not his first Lance. Yep.

Let's just end it there. Police in Connecticut said two men were arrested for attempting to buy cocaine from a police officer at a police station. Appropriately located on High Street. There we go. Are these two of the dumbest people? We had the guys smoking weed in Utah or something that were like, just told the cops

like, hey, I got weed over here. They forgot they were not in Colorado. Now we have people trying to buy cocaine at a police station. Well, you know they've got it there. And may I say, fortune favors the bold. That's right. Always.

You miss 100% of the shots you don't take, says Michael Jordan. That's exactly right. You better take that shot because it might be there. And I'm sure there was like a guy in evidence just gathering it all up, and there was another officer there, and these guys were like, what are you going to do with that? Where's that going? I honestly think it's a 50-50 assumption that the guy in charge of the evidence locker is corrupt.

You're right. You know what? There it is. It's like he either is or he isn't. How much are they paying you? If this works out, this will be a great score. How much is the police department paying you? Let me ask you a question.

You can have a little bit. Let me double it. Let me double it right now. And by the way, they don't have to know that this came out. I just want a little candy. I just want a little candy. I just want a little candy. I'm making your life easier. You look the other way.

No one has to say anything. Right. I also feel like if you manage to buy cocaine from cops at a police station, it's akin to when you get wine from the winery and you're like, what bottle do you want to open tonight? Yeah. That's our, we bought that at the winery. I want to wait for a special occasion. You're like, hey, we doing that Coke you got from the cops you know what tonight doesn't feel like the night i want to do the coke this coke bag still has the number on it yes that's right

i can't i mean yeah that's but that but so how did they do it that is my question was it someone standing out in front was it a cop inside police departmentford Police Department Deputy Chief Brian J. Foley posted a photo Monday. He is a Foley artist, let's be honest. To Twitter showing a portion of an unusual occurrence report detailing an incident Sunday at the police station. The report says an officer was walking to his personal vehicle after finishing his shift at about 2 a.m. when he was approached by two men who said they wanted to, quote, buy coke. That is... Hey, let's go buy coke from that guy over there.

Is that in the parking lot next to the PC? Plain clothes. He's done with his shift. He's wearing regular clothes, walking over a regular car. The man asked the officer to sell them some... Just because he walked out of the police station doesn't mean he works there. He probably just got off of a coke bust.

They just gave him his property back. Yeah, and they gave his property back, including his Coke. And then asked the officer to sell them some cocaña. But said they needed to visit an ATM to get cash. So they didn't even come prepared. No. They came to a guy

saying... That's shabby. That's the only thing I can fault these guys for. The officer... It's like telling the setup to a joke and then saying. That's the only thing I can fault these guys for. The officer. It's like telling the setup to a joke and then saying, wait a minute, I have to go to an ATM to get the punchline. Let me get the punchline. I forgot. There's nobody in the wheelchair. I should have told you that at the beginning.

The officer, quote, pointed out that there was an ATM inside the front lobby of the police department. And then as he's walking in, he's like, no, I think the ATM's inside this cell right here. Just keep... Back here, guys. Keep going. On your way, could you just get some ink on your fingers and then put those there? You have to get a thumbprint. Let me take your picture

really quick. The numbers are all worn down on the... Let me take your picture. Put all your belongings in this plastic bag. Sure. ATM's right in there. We're going to get that cocaine for you. I need my wallet to get my... Yep. Oh, you know what? Your belt is going to interfere with the ATM. The's right in there. We're going to get that cocaine for you. I need my wallet to get my... Yep. Oh, you know what? Your belt is going to interfere with...

The door won't open. The belt buckle's going to interfere. The door won't open. Let me do a quick cavity search before you go to the ATM and then we're good.

The suspects then went to the police department to retrieve $60 to pay the officer for cocaine. Once inside, the officer, who was in the

parking lot, notified the teleserve officer, who assisted in arresting both suspects and tagged the $60 as evidence without incident. They let him get it out? Yeah. I guess that has to be the evidence, right? It has to be.

That's the intent. That's right. So you can't say I was kidding around. He probably was like, you know what? I'll go in with you guys. Let me just get my gun out of my car. You got a gun? That's the intent That's right So you can't say I was kidding around He probably was like You know what I'll go in with you guys Let me just get my gun Out of my car You got a gun That's badass man Yeah no problem

I'm gonna follow And we'll make sure They stay together No fees too Oh sweet Thanks man Do you know how When you're fishing

And a fish jumps up Into the boat Did you catch it Did you catch that fish Well he was off Yes He was off You were there

By the way He's off Finished his shit So that would be more like If you're pontoon boating. He could have just let those guys go. He could have easily let them go. He crossed his mind.

He's like, I just fucking clocked out. I'm not even here. All I want to do is go home and do this cocaine that I just got. What if that guy was one hour away from retirement? Getting too old for this shit. Too old for this shit. This is the beginning of every... I like that.

It never occurred to me that there actually was an ATM in the lobby. Yeah. I thought he was just sending them into the police station. That there is one. Yeah. But I love, too, that he was like... Let them get this money. Yeah.

We got more evidence. Yeah. We got more evidence. And they were more than happy to do it. The person at the front was probably listening to the ATM being used. They're like, like wait someone's using the atm i imagine when brian uh foley walked in do you think he was like hey these two guys are getting uh money out to buy coke the guy at the front was like what like yeah we're selling them

coke tonight okay another coke sale guys business is booming who's getting that steak knives tonight motherfuckers I like the idea that $60 in a plastic baggie and then they're in court there's enough exhibit A

yeah that's it they saw my money came out of a machine they get to the court they're like this does not look like a water park the incident

as I said in case you missed it took place at a police station appropriate located on high street that's our third story guys wow good god man As I said, in case you missed it, took place at a police station, appropriate located on High Street. That's our third story, guys.

Wow. Good God, man. You don't get stupider than that. No. You do not. But at least. Tremendous. That's a victimless crime, though.

Yeah. No one, except for the guys who got. Yeah, they're victims of being dumb. They're victims of their own stupidity. Sure. Exactly. Okay. Dan, give us an update.

I'm going to. So, as I've said so many times the dumb people pay dumb people town page i love this we've had romance yeah facebook people have met each other i pinned the person we have a thing paul where every location somebody updates on a map with it's like a walking town walking tour great that is now pinned up to the top that was suggested to me but and i'll do this as briefly as I can, we have a friend of the show named Jan Flato. Jan Flato, who was in one of our stories.

Yes, because? Because he went to a casino with a younger Russian friend of his. Bitch. And he paid for a bet, put some money down on something. In the slot machine. She pressed the button, and they won $100,000. And he found out- He found out that if you press the button, you get all the money.

And how did he find out? They had originally said, we'll split it 50-50, but then she went up to get the money and had security guards keep him away from her, and he lost $100,000. Because the casino says, it's not who pays for the bet, it's who it so so jan flato out and jan flato has become a legend and lived up to all of that billing so the beat about jan flato is that we did the story we talked about him as a guy who probably owns two jet skis that don't work uh he is jan flato he has an alligator belt and an iguana socks he's jan flato right uh all these things about jan flato he has an alligator belt and an iguana socks he's Jan Flato

right all these things about Jan Flato he basically is like the Chuck Norris of our world and then Jan Flato started to

join our Facebook join our Facebook page and respond on the Facebook page and start talking to everybody we now have him as part of our family Jan Flato found himself in the path

of Hurricane Irma and everyone was very worried concerned about Jan Flato because he posted he, I may not be here tomorrow. Yes. And he was very serious. Right.

I wrote on the page on September 7th at 9.56 a.m., our local hero, Jan Flato, is in need of all the positive thoughts this town can send his way. So glad you did this, Dan. Here's a screenshot of what he wrote on the page last night, and I'm hoping everything is okay for him and his mom, who he was taking care of. And Jan, if you read read this please keep us posted we all care about you your mom and the bob seger ticket stub collection that i hope you have that's right because jan had written jan had written the reason he inspired this hey gang you might not have me around anymore if this hurricane hits

event adventure of florida I'm taking care of my 88-year-old mom here. Might have to evacuate 185 mile per hour winds, so whatever happens, always remember, I love DPT and all its fans too. I really do. This is amazing! That's fantastic. It is so beautiful. That's lovely. He has become a folk

hero in this universe. Paul, we just did three crazy stories with you. Imagine reaching across the divide and holding hands. Homer Stacy II comes into our lives. No, I don't want to meet any of those people. Are you saying that's what's going to happen? No, no, no.

They're all waiting outside. No! This is your dumb life. They'll be at Largo on Sunday, October 29th. Okay. There was a lot of worry. And I mean all the weekend. Jan, are you okay?

Absolutely. Flato, are you floating? Let us know how you're doing. Are you Flato-ing? A lot of people. I mean people like Joel Barberick who was like, has anyone heard from Jan? Jennifer Stevens, Jan, hope you and your mom are safe.

Tom Servo, great name. You all right, Jan Flato? A lot of concern. Reed Owen says, hope you're safe america needs jan flato and his fanny pack collection now more than ever now more than ever make on monday america great this monday america flato again at 4 0 1 p.m jan flato post he resurfaced alive and well mom made it too so did my bob seger ticket stub collection. Love everyone in DPT. Well, people started chiming in.

Uh-huh. Chris Slemmer. That's great to hear. Glad you and your mom can be safe now and you can turn the page. Do we have the greatest people in this town? This is the best. Amber Keaton. Glad to hear all is well.

Jan Flato comes back in. TY. That's how he says thank you. Uh-huh. TY finally found's how he says thank you. TY, finally found a place where I can have internet power. Marlins Park, Metz Marlins. About seven people here an hour and a half before the game. So now he's taking shots at the Marlins? Yeah.

I love it. Ends it with another TY. Danny Barstow, glad you and your mom made it through, Jan. Still without power, Jan comes back. Partially, the cable goes on and your mom made it through, Jan. Still without power. Jan comes back. Partially. The cable goes on and off. My phone's only texting. I'm at the ballpark in Miami now, question mark.

It works here. I don't know how people live down here. Humid hurricanes. Russian thieves. LOL. TY, Danny. Anyone who could LOL $100,000. I'd still be mad about $100,000 $50,000

Should have been his And it's not So imagine this guy And this is what I love About this whole thing And the story Is taking on a life Of its own

In many many ways And our fans are 100% to credit for this Because they have Kept it alive You type in Jan F Into Google Third thing to come back

Jan Flano So this guy Just after really recovering from a terrible emotional situation. That's got to hurt. He had a friend. They were friends. He helped her a lot, he said.

Think of what he's now had. That woman is morally bankrupt for doing that to him. I'm upset with her. She's on a bad karma trip. She may have $100,000, but she is morally bankrupt. She's got $100,000.

She's got 200,000 eyes that are looking at her. I guess friendship doesn't always pay. Yeah. So, Paul, I was doing another

CSI Miami thing. that's the thing. That is amazing. Wait, with two more quotes and then we're out. Give me two more quotes and then we're out.

Josh Mout says, I had a dream I hung out with Jan Flato. Reminded me to check on our status. Glad to see things are looking up jan comes back and we'll get on in this ty josh almost 100 just the cable tv is out had no idea why people live down here lol i miss las vegas away from the strip going to vegas

going to vegas october important decision going to vegas for anybody who wants to go meet the man going to Vegas October 3rd for a week I'm guessing fans in Vegas if I find if I take a photo with him and we will post it on go to the golden nugget look for

the sex in the city slot machines and I believe you'll see a play-doh floating go to slot machines and I believe you'll see a Plato floating, go to your nearest guitar center and you will see he's our own Mr. Pig. Listen, these stories, this is fantastic.

It's, it's really amazing. I want to cordially invite the residents of dumpy dump people town, including Jen Plato. Of course. Yes. If you ever want to visit spontaneous, Oh,

I would love to please do so we will do that for sure you know it's so funny someone asked me this as we were doing the shows in Austin last week

and thank you to everyone who came out why do you guys always say at the end okay we got to get back to work which is the last thing we say because this show reminds us of

and I'm sure you've been a part of them a writer's room where everybody at the beginning before you actually sit down to work, says, have you seen this video?

Have you seen this story? And then you just start riffing with your friends in a way that sometimes doesn't always translate into the work itself. Yeah, absolutely. Like the funniest moments happen before that,

and then finally someone's like, all right, we gotta get back to work. So what I say after this fun that we've had with the great Paul F. Tompkins, follow everything he does. Please.

You will love his podcast if you do. Thank you. Check it out and we will see you guys next week because you know what? Right now, guys, we've got to get back to work.