Dumb People Town - Paul Scheer & Doug Benson - Throwing Axes at Copses: LIVE from SF Sketchfest

Episode Date: January 29, 2019

This week, Paul Scheer and Doug Benson visit Dumb People Town in a very special live episode from SF Sketchfest! In Story 1 is a harrowing tale of the worst neighbor of all time.Story 2 involves a wedding photographer went above and beyond the call of duty.Then some Townies bring some stories, including: a Greenlee, a Christmas-ham-throwing incident, a naked man with a gun and a samurai sword, road tenders, and more!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast band With co-host Armand Dan And heard, don't be a jerk Once when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. And don't be a jerk. Let's write the music, wish the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound. Don't you down, it's Dump People Town.

Hey! It's on Hey Townies. Welcome to another episode of Dump People Town. Population you. Population San Francisco. How you guys doing? Am I hot? Am I hot? Hello? So we're so excited to be back in San Francisco. I found in a drawer, Dan, you're going to love this as you walk away. I already do. Wow, Dan. I found in a drawer My Sketchfest t-shirt From 2003 When Randy and I were in the second ever Sketchfest

Pre-9-11 No I don't think that's correct, Dan You don't know what happened to me November 11th November 11th, okay Dan You know what, we're going to just bail on that joke. But it is so interesting to think about San Francisco since that first.

It's really changed from that from 2003 till today. Don't you guys think like massively changed? San Francisco has just gotten so affordable. I can't believe it. I just. We I mean, great restaurant scene tonight. We ate at State Bird Provisions, which was a crazy... Oh, my God.

Hard to get into. So hard to get. We were in line outside of State Bird Provisions and there was a guy right behind us wearing like an apron. And we were like, dude, what are you doing? He's like, I'm the chef. I can't eat.

They said, come back at 9.30. I was like, don't you have to cook the food? At Sklar Brothers. Okay. I did it to myself. That's how it works. That's how it does. Come on now. Go ahead. If you listen to this show, how many people are fans of Dumb People

Town and listen to the show? Nice. How many people or anybody here, it's your first visit to town? It's your first. Yes. Great. Welcome. Great, great. Welcome. For those of you who don't know, we're going to introduce you, as we do in every live show. To our own Patronus.

Our spirit animal. He's a man who took his Russian girlfriend, quote, everything in that is in quotes, to a casino where they hit a $100,000 jackpot that she pushed the button on. She then took all the money, and he was left with nothing. Well, he was left with us. He was left with us. He was left with us.

She got the money. He got us. His name is Jan Flato, and we'd love to show him. Can we? Hit that slide, brother. There he is. Look at him. There he is.

Look at him. Jan Flato looks like a frog with a mullet. There he is. Look at him. There he is. Look at him. Jan. Jan Plato looks like a frog with a mullet. We've said it many times. And we like to start off every show just by, you know, some things that you may not know about Jan Plato. Some truisms about Jan. Like, he does look like he has a sponsorship deal with Underoos. Jan Plato from here on out will only answer to the pronoun them.

All right, how about that? Jan Flato's snake has a pet lizard. All right. Jan Flato was kicked out of two cults the day before they killed themselves. Coincidence? I think not. Jan Flato just sent out his holiday cards from 2016. Jan Flato's a part-time elbow model.

All right, I don't know about that one. Despite his best efforts every morning, Jan Flato wakes up with bangs. Jan Flato's password to everything is YOLO. Jan Flato once drank aquarium water at a party. Jan Flato has collared t-shirts. Every picture frame in Jan Flato's two-bedroom apartment is the stock photo. Sex offenders have Jan Flato on a list. When Jan Flato was born, the doctor slapped a bass guitar.

Jan Flato's first drink order is always refill. Jan Flato's first drink order is always refill. Whatever you do, don't lend Jan Flato your phone charger. When Jan Flato goes to a Japanese restaurant, he takes off his shoes and his socks. Jan Flato doesn't wear gold chains. Gold chains wear Jan Flato. Jan Flato blow dries his hair with a dust buster.

Jan Flato lives alone but still puts a sock on the doorknob when he's getting some. Ellen DeGeneres begged Jan Flato never to host the Oscars. Jan Flato has a tattoo of a rabbit's foot

on his penis just so he can ask people to rub it for good luck. tattoo of a rabbit's foot on his penis just so he can ask people to rub it for good luck everything jan flato touches gets sticky on jan flato's inner thigh there's a tattoo of jan flato jan flato once tried to pay for sex with bitcoin that's very san francisco randy yeah you're hip you're hip dude you're uh i feel like You're hip. I feel like we're ready. You want to do it?

Should we do this? Thank you, Jan. Thank you, Jan. We may come back to you later. Our first guest is someone who I cannot believe he hasn't done the show yet. You guys get to see the premiere episode of him live and listen to it live at home. He's part of one of the best podcasts that's ever been made. How did this get made? Yeah. Just one of the great comedy people in

one of the best improvised out there. He was incredible on the league. He's been great and everything he's done. Please welcome our guest, Paul Scheer. Paul Scheer. Paul Scheer Paul Scheer I'm so Turn his mic down Turn his mic down Way down

Way down Welcome to town I like to do podcasts off mic Yeah Deep background Deep background I have a couple of ideas about Jan Flato Please

Yes Let's throw the picture back up, please. Can we get Jan Flato? Go back one, brother. Back one. There we go. Jan Flato rejected for a CVS loyalty card. That's very hard to get rejected for.

Yeah, it's really hard. They want you to have it. Jan Flato's favorite movie of 2018, Ray Liotta's Chantrix commercial. Yes! Those are gripping. Those are gripping. Those are phenomenal. Thank you, Paul Scheer.

Welcome to town. Oh, Jesus. Very excited to be here. Did Ray Liotta in that commercial say, when I'm not smoking, I have more time to stir the sauce? Did he say that? Gotta keep your eye on the sauce, Karen! Ray Liotta did this show called NTSF SDSUV. Hell yeah, you did.

And Ray Liotta, we got him to be on the show. An amazing guy, a lovely guy. But it was a 15-minute TV show. Yeah. And when we gave him the script, he goes, this is as many pages you got? You guys need more pages. We said, well, it's only a 15-minute show. He goes, if I do this, you're going to get more pages.

He would be upgraded. That's the time that we got. I was like, yeah, let's see. How good is the script? Let me weigh it. Like, what if that's what he did? He got you like a two-hour show that you then had to fill every day. And you're like, fuck.

You didn't ask for this, Ray Liotta. It's a fucking comedy. We've all acted. We've all done parts. I've never judged the weight of a script. Yeah, that's about right. I should have. Yeah, that's a good script. More pages. It little light a little light a little light well uh paul sheer

we believe that the world is getting dumber i don't know if you subscribe to that feeling or that thought do you guys believe the world is getting dumber maybe maybe faster than global warming um if you believe in that uh yeah if you believe in the globe and the only way to fight back is through humor our amazing dumb ears on the ground send us stories and Dan you've got one for us

I do you want to do a story? let's do a story alright here we go let's do it here we go who was it sent in by? you know it was sent in by someone.

Oh, thank you. This was sent in by Justin Helmer, at Justin Helmer. Thanks, dude. Wow. I kind of hope his middle name's Hel. It's a clever handle. I'm going to call this story...

Justin H. Elmer? The Ballad of Thomas Everett Stein. Okay. Because... I thought it was going to be The Ballad of Thomas Everett Scott. I'm in. I like him in that thing you do.

That's where this all takes place. Different person, same movie set. This is the Jewish version of that, Stein. Around 11 a.m. on Sunday, Thomas Everett Stein's landlord came knocking. The Minnesota City man was late on his rent, he said. Minnesota City, didn't know that was in place. What is that? I'm guessing it's not in Minnesota.

Minnesota City, Florida. All right, look, you guys are going up first. What's the name of the band? Minnesota City. You need a new fucking band name. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome, Minnesota City. No, man, you got to run it all together.

There's no space. Four drummers? Okay, I'm in. All right. And you all have octagonal drum sets. Alright, fine. All we know is 24 or 6 to 5. That's all we know. Are you

saying 25 or 6 to 4? Nope, 24 or 6 to 5. I didn't know there was going to be math. There usually is with Chicago. Alright, so. Ready? Yes. Okay, so the landlord came knocking. That's where we're at so far.

Tom Everett Stein. Stein. Tom Everett Scott's going to get a lot of weird tweets. I'm sorry, season two just premiered on TruTV. Sorry, you couldn't pay your rent. Okay. There are a number of ways to respond to the situation. And many of them.

You're talking about the situation from the Jersey Shore, correct? Yeah, yeah, yeah. There are two ways to respond to him situation and many of them are you talking about the situation from the jersey shore correct yeah yeah yeah there are two ways to respond to him fuck off and get off of my girlfriend i feel like the situation is like so pro trump right he must be pro trump sure yeah jim tan trump the situation would drive his jeep top down in the winter you know what i mean right it's like i got it man i got it there there are a number of ways to respond to this situation that being your landlord knocking saying you all right and many of them and peacefully this encounter however began ready 17 hours of pure unadulterated vitriol between one man and his landlord oh man we are about to embark on a 17 hour journey between one man and his landlord i love it a fight that included pepper

spray and flying weapons hold on a second did i ever tell you about there was a car wash in LA at Prospect in Vermont? I know this one. Okay, so it's across from the Starbucks. And you know what? All of you do too. Yeah, you know it. You know it. Guys, we live near the east side of LA.

No big deal. Get over it. Deal with it. So I just thought in the car wash, they were selling, this is amazing. They were selling like obviously car stuff, you know, so like the air fresheners and things like, you know, mats for your car. But then they were selling like boxes. They had Italian loafers. Of course.

Of course. I always buy my loafers. Chinese throwing stars. Fuck yeah. And bong paraphernalia. To me, I want to imagine the person who thought of this store of thinking of the person who came in and this was their one-stop shop. You know what I mean? It's the only car wash I've ever been to that seemed dirty.

I'm bringing my car here, but there's a lot of water and a lot of soap but it's dirty I brought my kids in there and I was like no no no don't sit on the massage chair we don't know what's there hey kids look Outrun the video game brand new they just got it

Ms. Pac-Man's next to it they have the full box set of the TV show Numbers right over there. They have a Neo Geo with only one game. That was a deep cut for you video game people out there. I appreciate a good Neo Geo reference. Thanks, brother. All right. So this included pepper spray, flying weapons, and numerous calls to 911.

Oh, my God. And it all started, according to a report from the Winona County Sheriff's Department when Stein responded to his landlord's request for the rent. This is the beginning. So he's coming in up here.

You don't know how high up. It's like a karaoke song when someone just starts way too high. I'm all on the ground. I'm so lost without you. Don't do it. You can't get there. You can't get to where you need to go.

Don't go in on that note. By the way, while I have you here, I'd like to pitch my idea of 45-second karaoke. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Get to the good stuff

and then get the fuck off. Thank you very much. One verse, one chorus. That's it. How great would that be? I would want to go to karaoke if everyone had 45 seconds and I'm in. I would do it. We're all going to get to sing. Everybody will get

to sing. No one remembers how long Sarah Smile actually is. 45 seconds. You're like, that person rocked or that person was terrible, but then we're moving on. That's a great idea. Because the worst thing is to listen to a karaoke version of a guitar solo yeah you're like i don't even want to hear the professional singers not anymore uh what did he came in so hot stein responded to his landlord's request for the rent by pushing him down the stairs. This is the start.

Is this a Lifetime movie? What the fuck, dude? This is the start. And like any good improv team, it heightens from there. Oh, good. Deputies cited Stein. So the cops get called. Yeah.

Believe it or not. Deputies cited Stein for fifth degree assault. I don't even know. I don't even know. I didn't even know that fifth degree was a thing. I thought it was a black belt, and that's it. Isn't first degree the worst? So I think fifth degree is not so bad. But where does it end?

Is there a ninth or a tenth degree? And what do you have to do to get? Well, he rubbed his arms. He gave him an Indian burn, ninth degree. That's a ninth degree burn on his arm. By the way, pushing someone down the stairs does not feel like fifth. No, that's third. Second?

I would say second. Second. If you're living in a city where they categorize stair pushing as fifth degree, that city wants you to be killed yeah that's that's minnesota city there's savages there st paul city on the other hand very civilized minnesota city horrible they have a harp in their band that's true deputy cited stein for fifth degree assault and headed back to the office so if you're wondering there are no good people in this story no that's like when you separate your kids when they're fighting and you're like you guys are good right and you walk over here and then immediately you hear things breaking yeah um deputy cited him for fifth degree assault by the way we're still at 16 what 30 we have left yes

uh they signed him for fifth degree assault and then they headed back to the office this is what this person wrote oh probably thinking the matter was settled yeah it's good journalism uh but later that day they got another call from 9-1-1 or to 9-1-1 this one from stein which means the guy who was thrown down the stairs. Believe it or not, he's the one who called the first time. Which means the stairs have turned. Yes. If you know what I mean.

This is my favorite soap opera. The stairs have turned. I'm trying to think of which staircase joke. I'm going to go with, he's going to say an owl pushed him down the stairs. But later that day, they got a call. I don't have a room that would respond to that. I appreciate that joke. I was like,

never seen that many people get the specific owl reference of the staircase documentary. I heard someone in the back say, get a blood spatter expert, God damn it. It's the greatest thing about doing podcasts.

You can do any joke you want. When you get no response, one person on Twitter will be like, you made my month. When you made no response, one person on Twitter will be like, you made my month. When you made that bubble bobble joke with 30 seconds left in the show, I got through my divorce on that one. I stopped crying in my cubicle on that one. Later today, they got another call.

This one from Stein. If you're keeping track track we're on the seventh sentence stein told them that would be the police that his apartment was on fire emergency services rushed over and found no fire no smoke only stein so guys when there's no smoke there's usually no fire or or where there's no smoke, there's usually Stein. Yeah. I just said that. It's a rule. He was like, I didn't say there was no fire.

I said it was lit, yo. Whoa, what up? What's up? Sir, take your visor off and just talk to us. What's up? Emergency services rushed over to respond. No fire, no smoke, only Stein, who began to pepper them with questions about his rights.

I thought he was going to say pepper spray because they mentioned that. No, not yet. So they've come over and they're like, sir, where's the fire? And he just starts peppering. Yeah, about that. So what are my rights as a renter? Hang on a second. I don't... You always should go to the cops for renter's rights.

They're the ones that really know all the details. He wanted to know just what was he entitled to as a renter. The deputy answered his questions, but told him not to call 911 for advice again. Don't call, they said, unless there's a real emergency. So he pushed them down the stairs. If you think he didn't call again, turn to page 42.

Jesus, is this Bangerdash? What's happening here? Did you say Bangerdash? What are you incorrectly ordering breakfast in Britain? Oh, Boulderdash. Bander Snatch. Thank you. And I will say it again.

Oh, wow. I didn't even get that. That was what it was. I'm going to tell you again. Dan knew so many endings. I'm going to do this on one more episode. This is the second. If you haven't watched Bander Snatch or if you're going to, you want to again, whatever.

Pick up the family photo twice. That's all I'm telling you. They stab you. Big deal. What? That's what happens. Here we go. They told him, don't call again unless it's a real emergency.

Next sentence. Stein's itchy fingers would dial again. Of course. He tried to convince dispatch that his landlord, who lived in an apartment. By the way, itchy fingers is one of the greatest hits of Minnesota City. You guys want to hear Itchy Fingers! Dude, I'll never forget.

Let's hear it for our drummers. Which I am also one of. I will never forget that Itchy Fingers at Altamont. Dark day. He tried to convince dispatch that his landlord... Have we made you regret that you've picked a long one?

No, never. Never. He tried to convince dispatch that his landlord, who lived in an apartment in the same building, was an intruder. On another call, he complained that his landlord was sending dirty texts to his girlfriend.

Again, I get it. I get it right as an American, right? And also a matter for the cops to solve. Leonard, you ready for the next sentence? It's in parentheses, not a job for law enforcement. Thank you. The dispatcher said. This feels like it's written by not a job for law enforcement thank you the dispatcher said this feels like it's written by a police officer it's really giving a lot of police officers props it's like what's

happening at a water cooler and i like a police precinct right so then this guy says to me like that's the article next sentence he rang again and again with a litany of complaints dispatchers repeatedly warned him about the misuse of 911 emergency calls then around 2 30 a.m on sunday when did we start like 11 on saturday yep stein called and said his landlord had breaking into his apartment his apartment and breaking breaking into his apartment breaking breaking in and threatened... Breaking into his apartment. Breaking in. And threatened him. Pay that rent. Pay that rent. A lot happened and that was just for the live audience.

And truthfully, guys, Breaking 2 is all about getting enough rent money to keep open the community. So it all works out. Break it. He said that he had broken into his apartment and had threatened him with a gun. Deputies arrived and immediately took stock of the scene. Stein's windows were wide open. It's winter.

Oh, God. stein's windows were wide open it's winter oh god oh there was a circular saw there was a circular saw sitting out in the yard half submerged in snow and there was stein himself standing with his girlfriend banging on the landlord's windows and yelling for him to quote get out here and take his ass whooping so these cops roll up one apartment has every window open there's a saw in the yard half in the snow and the people who called him saying there's someone in our house attacking us they're at his apartment telling that person to come get an ass whooping and and there are people listening to this podcast who are like i can't believe he has a girlfriend like that's the only thing they heard out of that who are like, I can't believe he has a girlfriend. That's the only thing they heard out of that whole sentence.

Like that guy can get a girlfriend and I'm alone? This feels like a Cone Brothers movie. By the way, if you told me his girlfriend was like a mop with like lipstick on the front of it, I'd be like, sure. Sure. She gets it. She doesn't talk back much. Well, she doesn't talk back much. After leading the pair back to their apartment, this next part's beautiful.

The door was locked. But Stein, and this is what they wrote, valiantly kicked it open. There goes the deposit. There's nothing like it. I told you. Why was it valiantly? I don't know. Because he held his girlfriend back and he did it?

It wasn't like he put his coat over a puddle. No. Maybe before he did it, he said, m'lady. I want to look up the definition of valiant. Go for it. You know, you are officially in the town because these two a-holes look shit up

all the time. Possessing or showing courage or determination. Determination. Yeah, he was determined. Have you ever busted down a door? Have you ever broken down a door before? I did it for my child. Me too.

So did Jason. What happened? What happened? Okay, guys, welcome back to Dad Talk. We're talking about door busting. Tell me all about that. I have a two-year-old. Randy and I are just going to walk off the stage.

Okay. No, no, guys. I have a two-year-old and a four-year-old, but the two-year-old was in his room and was waking up from his night of sleep. But the, like I guess the door handle broke.

Uh-oh. So I went to go open the door to get him out of the crib, but I couldn't turn it. And that's a scary moment because he's in there. I can't get in there.

Totally. And did you, were you banging on the door saying, come on out here and get your ass whooping? I had the saw on. Fucking at Sklar Brothers plus one Randy.

So I valiantly tried to kick the door, which I. Did you kick it or did you shoulder it? No, I kicked it. Nice. So they thought that was better. It didn't make any difference. No. And I was like, huh. And I

tried a lot of different other things. Now my kid is freaking out in his crib. Honey, what if we just burn the door down? Let's just burn the door down. He was fine and now you're slamming into the door. Yeah. So then what I did was I found a weak spot in the bottom panel

of the door and I kicked through that. What are you, The Shining? Yeah. Here's daddy. And then I put my hand through the hole of the door. Someone get this picture. I got up to get the handle and then opened it up. And there's a big hole in the door, and my two-year-old's like,

Dada, kick hole in the door. And my two-year-old's like, Dad, I kicked hole in the door. And so when people come over to our house, it's shown to them as like, Dad, I kicked hole in the door. Oh, you've left it. You've just left the hole. Well, I replaced the whole door. I mean, I got it eventually, but it's a big deal. I kind of put it together. It's not like you're on

TV shows and have a successful podcast. Doors seem expensive. They are expensive. So my daughter was two and she locked herself. Locked the door. But what's worse is there's a sliding glass door in our bedroom. So we were outside

like fools yelling at a two-year-old to go unlock the door. And the more we were telling her to go unlock the door, the more she started crying. And I'm sure Jay was like, and also on the computer, can you just scroll through a few of the emails? Yeah. Automatic bill pay. No.

So I, and so then I went in and I shoulder blocked it open. I went and I knew she was far enough away. And when I knocked it through, I was like, I could be a fireman. Like I literally, Jay actually took an extra 30 seconds to clear the i did i cleared the room like in backdraft and um a lot of physicality i feel bad for people who no no i'm saying you got to come to a fucking that's right god damn right but are you ready for this right. The deputy then visited the landlord to hear his side of the story. Great.

No, the landlord said. He hadn't broken into Stein's apartment. And no, he hadn't threatened him with a gun. Then, before they could go much further into the explanation from the landlord, they were interrupted by a loud crash. I thought you were going to say lion and I got very excited. There are moments when I know what I'm going to get to read and it's a gift.

Like a fucking frog cake. Ready? They hear a loud crash because it's from an earlier episode of the worst cake ever. I'll show you the picture after the show and you will love it ready they were interrupted by a whale cake for my wedding for your wedding yeah because i well my parents are like we don't know what to get you we don't know what to get

you and at one point i said i like fudge you the whale but in jest yeah not like in serious which is like a whale shaped cake and my mom like for our wedding, was like, I got you that. I'm like, what? Okay. No. I love my mom, but that was weird. They were interrupted by a loud crash. A vacuum cleaner sailed out of Stein's apartment and clattered to the snowy ground.

This motherfucker's throwing vacuums out windows at people. Wait a second. Hold on. So when we last left Stein, he just kicked open the door. Yep. Ran in there, grabbed the vacuum cleaner, and then tossed it right out the window? At the landlord and the cop. But clattered to the snowy ground sounds like, are you Jonathan Updike?

Like, why? I don't know. I also thought you were going to say, I can't believe he owned a vacuum cleaner. That is what it is. The vacuum cleaner, as it turns out, was only a prelude. Oh, God. Moments later, something whizzed past the deputy's head, blew through the carport, and embedded itself in a nearby decorative piece of wood. Can I guess what it is?

Yes. Chinese throwing stuff. Upon further investigation, the deputy found the object that had nearly brained him, this journalist. The deputy found out that the object that had nearly brained him had been an axe.

What? This motherfucker's throwing axes at cops. Let me ask you something about that. If it's not revealed that Stein is on meth, then I have so much more respect for him.

Quote, quote, purely an accident, Stein explained. Oh, come on. At Sklar, brother. Wait, why is that our I don't know. Purely an accident, Stein explained when pressed. I wish you would say purely an accident. That's what I was doing.

He slipped on the ice and it had flown out of his hand. Which means he's admitting to walking out of his house with an axe. After a brief back and forth over whether an ambulance would be required for stein's supposed ice related injuries so not only did he say look officer i just had an axe fell and accidentally threw it he then doubled down was like i think i need an ambulance for my ice fall that never happened but i love that like in that case he wasn't sure if he should call 9-1-1 right by the way i will say that ice fall is my favorite James Bond movie. Icefall is my favorite James Bond movie too.

Daniel Craig really brought it home there. He did. He did. After him deciding he didn't need an ambulance for his ice-related injuries, the deputies headed out. They just left. Oh yeah, we're good here. I blame the cops at this point. The fact that there are no

cuffs on this man i know everyone the deputies headed out no doubt thinking or maybe just hoping they'd heard the last of stein and his landlord for the evening but then the final call to 9-1-1 came about 10 minutes later which at this point i'm gonna ask you guys we started at 11 it is now around 3 a.m how many calls do you think th Everett Stein made to 911? This is the last one he's made. We're around 3 a.m. Now, Paul, you are our guest.

You can go first. Tig, which is second. Nine. Nine. Okay. Jason or Randy? He made 27 calls. 27 from Jason.

I'm going to say he made 15 calls. 15 calls from Randy's part. Let's get some townies. Put your hand in the air if you would like to guess right here miss what's your name molly welcome to town how many calls do you think he made eight calls all right anybody else okay hold on right here miss what's your name maddie 30 calls let's give one more let. Okay, gentleman in the hat who really wants it. Yeah.

What's your name? Your name's 17? What's that? Morgan. Morgan, 17. All right, let's do it. Get your answers in at Hometownies. Get your answers in at Hometownies because Thomas Everett Stein,

in between 11 a.m. and somewhere around 3 a.m., the amount of 911 calls he made was... Your answers aren't official, and I will not acknowledge you. Thank you. This is a town hall meeting. You do not have the floor. Stop acting like Stein's out there. Come on.

For those at home, someone just threw a vacuum cleaner on his head. Quit verbal axes. The amount of calls that he made is... Wait, still let him say it. I'll wait all day. I want to revise my guess. Two.

Oh, okay. The amount of calls that Thomas Everett Stein made was... 20. Wow. You said 30, and you said 27. I said 27. You said 17 over there. I think it's Morgan.

Morgan's got it. Morgan, nicely done, sir. And ready? Morgan, you win this ax. Whoa. Catch it. And what did this 911 call entail? Thomas Everett Stein told the dispatcher that his landlord had thrown acid into his eyes.

What? You know, you just make a phone call with acid in your eyes. Sheriff deputies hurried to the scene to find Stein and his girlfriend lying on the ground outside the landlord's apartment, gagging and wheezing, according to a report by the Winona Daily News. The culprit didn't seem to be acid, according to the sheriff's department. By the smell and tang in the air, the deputies thought the two

of them were probably hit by a healthy dose of pepper spray. According to the landlord, this is what happened. He'd been awakened by a loud clanging against his windows. were stein and his girlfriend banging against the glass with a metal object saw they were they were yelling at him to turn their water back on the landlord's door was shut with a swing bar latch but all that banging

allegedly jostled it loose and stein came careening in oh man i love that the vocabulary in this article is written for fifth graders and college professors the landlord said stein had something in his hand a little aerosol can by the looks of it there wasn't much time to look but stein allegedly grabbed the landlord by the face, knocking off his glasses so they fell to the ground and popped out a lens. And you know that landlord was like, put in the lens popping out part. Then the landlord said Stein reared back and hit him with a big old gob of spit. I don't read articles written for the Washington Post that has this much detail.

This is unbelievable detail. There's more detail on this than the Mueller report. Axe to spit. He'll throw an axe at somebody, but face to face, he's like, I ain't hitting him. That's right. Spitting is so personal. It's worse. It's worse. It's worse.

It's worse. Don't say that. Guys's worse. It's worse. It's worse. I'd rather get an ax to the head than spit in the face. Don't say that. Guys, it's all in Jess's podcast. Oh, yeah. And then Paul Scheer's mom, like, spits an ax in his head. You said you wanted it. You said you wanted that more than the other thing. It's the whale cake of requests.

The landlord acted fast. He grabbed a nearby glass and chucked its contents into Stein's face. The attacker staggered backwards, surprised, blinking, and the landlord managed to slam the deadbolt in place. But the glass had been filled with water, not acid. He literally Dorothy'd this son of a bitch. Exactly.

Just threw water in his face like he was in a 1940s movie at a bar. You know what I mean? He just grabbed, like in his house, he just has like something glass filled with liquid. The deputy picked it up and gave it a whiff. What kind of fucking psycho is this landlord that he has a glass filled with liquid in his house?

It's insane. Now I'm on Steinside. Exactly. I think it's pretty obvious. It's insane. Now I'm on Steinstein. Exactly. I think it's pretty obvious. It's clear who's been harassing him. By the way, just remember, this is probably over, what, $700? Maybe. $700.

The high level. What do you think a studio apartment goes for in Minnesota City? Well, my thought is that it was multiple months not being paid. Oh, for sure. This is not month one. This is like month four. A deputy picked up the glass and gave it a whiff. It certainly didn't smell like acid because it was pee.

Yeah. That's my guess. I don't like the landlord either. The landlord had no explanation for how Stein and his girlfriend were pepper sprayed. Deputies found no trace of the stuff inside the landlord's apartment. Meanwhile, I love how many details are in this story, and they don't have the landlord's name. He didn't want to be identified.

They just gave his address and everything about him. The report didn't say whether the little... Do they have any units available? I mean, listen. The report didn't say whether the little aerosol can the landlord mentioned had contained the offending substance, or whether Stein, and this is what I think happened had perhaps sprayed himself oh yeah this is what i think he got hit with water locked out and then he was like babe babe let's just spray ourselves and say he

did she's like no i don't want too late i sprayed you too according to the complaint he admitted to the deputies okay one thing was clear stein was under arrest according to the complaint, he admitted to the deputies. Okay, one thing was clear. Stein was under arrest. According to the complaint, Stein admitted to the deputies that he should have, quote, just left it alone. And that, quote, he hadn't been making very good decisions that night. Don't be so hard on yourself. Yeah, be harder. If the complaint and 911 transcripts suggest anything,

it's that Stein had plenty of chances to make some better decisions. Every 911 call was a decision to take it up a notch, push it further, get the authorities involved, which are the lyrics of Minnesota City. That's right. Take me down to Minnesota City. Take it up a notch and push it further. Get the authorities involved. Drum solo. Why won't you please

take me up? That was off icefall. Arguably, that fateful shove on Saturday morning had been the beginning of nothing but bad choices for 17 hours. Nothing but bad choices for 17 hours. all of them documented in vivid detail you know the person wanted to write thanks to me uh stein has been released from jail

on the condition that he have no contact with his landlord and that he not trespass on his land lord's property i'm gonna ask you now how old is thomas everett stein once again you are a guest you can go first tig which is second or third paul you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third, Paul Scheer. I'll go third. You can go third. Okay, Jason or Randy? He's 24.

24 years old. Yeah, this is a young dude. I think he's 29. 29, Paul Scheer. I'm going old. Old? 54. Come on.

54 years old. Based on what? Okay. It is always fun to, like, guess old. And a hush fell over the crowd. You guys literally talk like it's the passing of the peace at church. It's a Midwestern cut. That's a Midwestern cut.

Okay, let's get a couple people. Put your hands in the air if you'd like to guess right here in the great hat. Name? Kari. Kari. I'm going to go with my age, 22. 22 years old, right behind you. What's your name?

Trisha. And? 42. Give me two more. This gentleman, and I'm going to do one over here. Mark? 37. I already grabbed you, didn't I, brother?

Okay, do it then. 40 from Jeff. Okay. Okay. For real? Anyone? Is anyone on my side that's 54? Yeah, I mean, Paul's got balls.

Paul's like 54. All right. One of you is one year off. Oh, yeah. So we don't get to play the game. But get your answers in now, wherever you are. Scream it at your ex because not at me. I'm not your ex.

No. Take it easy. Here we go. Let him say it. Scream it at your ex because not at me i'm we're not i'm not your ex no take it easy let here we go let him into your axe thomas everett stein coop a 17 hour man of bad choices with a girlfriend He used to have a saw, an axe, and a vacuum cleaner. Those are all ruined in that snow. 29-1-1 calls. Is 25 years old. Oh, yeah. I said 24. That's story one. Let's look at him.

Bring him up. Oh. Look at him for me. He kind of looks like The guy who plays Superman In the new DC movies That's right He looks like The stand in for Casey Affleck

In Manchester by the sea He looks He looks like Mark Lifespin Ruffalo He looks like he Right before they took this he said Just fucking take it He looks like he, right before they took this, he said, just fucking take it. He looks like he hasn't taken off his hat to sleep.

He looks like he hasn't slept. Can I just say one thing? I know we're joking about all this stuff, but here's a 25-year-old who owns all this great stuff, and we're talking about a problem in our economy. I don't think so. This guy's got a vacuum cleaner, an ax. He's doing really well. Most 25-year-olds don't even live outside of their parents' house.

Thank you. This guy is an example for us. We should be following this guy. He's got a girlfriend. Girlfriend, ax, pepper spray. Saw. Saw. Phone.

No water. A foot to kick a door in. All right, that's story number one. How about it? Story number one, you guys. Let's take a break. We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town. Stick around.

Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Can you read some names? Yes. You want to get in some names here? Let's do it. I just want you to know, if you contribute to this podcast, your name will be read. If you want to hear your name on this podcast, your name will be read with such appreciation. Honestly, too, if you're of that pillar or city council level, how great is it at those meet and greets?

Oh, they're so fun. We have so much fun. I mean, walk in with like, oh, there's just friends here. Friends I haven't met yet. Maybe their names, I don't know. But the fellowship is already there. The town community is amazing. And then we like, the last show, we ended up hanging out with a lot of those people after the show.

So just become a part of this town. Just become a part of it on that level. Thank you if you already are. And we're about to make it personal. And also, you know, I will say this, is that we're going to switch from the drip to the Patreon if we haven't already. And we're going to be giving our episodes that we're giving to those people, the extra content, is going to be video. Yeah. Video episodes of us hanging out.

I just love it so much. And doing stories. Let's jump in. Robert Chase. Robert Chase. Bank that stuff. Bank that dude. Better than Robert City.

I know. Jordan Shumway. I know. A pillar of the community. Which way are we going? We're going the Shumway. Bank that dude. Better than Robert City. I know. Jordan Shumway. I know. A pillar of the team. Which way are we going? We're going the Shumway. Shumway. It's the only way to go.

Shum. Shumway. Jordan Shumway. Jordan Shumway. How about Joe? How about Joe? Hey, Joe. What's up, Joe?

Thanks, brother. Chris Lockman. Locking it down. Thank you, Chris. All right, I'm going to try it. Got it? Francois Brodeur. Francois Brodeur.

Doesn't that sound like an MMA fighter? Sounds like a hockey player. Yeah, that's what it is. Francois Brodeur is like his brother. Francois Brodeur! All right, Matt Campbell. Matt Campbell. Soup.

How about Lane? Lane. Or Laney. My Aunt Connie had a dog named Laney, and it was just like the coolest dog. She just loves it with all her heart. John Pearson. Ba-ba-boom. J-O-N.

Ready for this? Jewish. That's the Jewish way. Is it really? Yeah. I never knew what the difference was. Now you know, Dad. You're learning things.

Dave Ranallo. Come on, dude. The level that Dave Ranallo's at. And I Ranallo. I Ranallo so far away. Dave Ranallo. I Ranallo so far away. Dave Ranallo. Yeah, that's the top of the... He's at the top of the food chain. Oh, I know. He's the city

councilman, which means, Dave, this year, be ready. Come on, brother. Dave Bringle. Double dipping on Dave's. Once you pop with Dave Bringle, you cannot stop. Let me tell you something. My favorite ice cream is Butter Bringle. Did you guys ever eat Bugles? Yes.

Oh, my God. Stab it on your fingers? Are they still around? Yes. They're still around. So salty. So buttery and good. Salty.

How about you love a savory snack? I do. Patricia Nicole Pot. Wow. Smoking it. You're on that pot. Yeah. I'm on the pot.

P-N-P. Dean Klemek. Thank you. Dean Klemek. Klemek Lamar, one of the best rappers out there right now. This next person can't be. Is this real? Honey Graham. Honey! A good

number! Honey Graham. Honey Graham. I hope that's real. I hope you are real. I'm gonna call her my little cracker. I hope she's white because I can call her my little cracker. Or just like a real cool black dude. Honey Graham! Honey Graham. I mean, you are a pillar of our community, and I love it. Love it.

Chris Taylor, thank you very much. Thank you, Chris. Tay-Tay, Matthew Blackton Jr., the starting wide out for your youth. I was going to say, he's a five-star on Rivals and a four-star on 24-7. Matthew Blackton Jr.'s $20,000 jackpot wad. What is that? That was Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $20,000 jackpot wad. What is that? That was Jackie Rogers Jr.'s $20,000 jackpot wad.

That was an old Martin Short character on SNL. Angie Dorsey. I love Angie. Thank you. I love to keep it tight like Angie Dorsey. I love this last name. It just always sounds cool to me. Do it. Nicole Mancuso.

You better believe it. The Mancuso files. Yeah. Did you go get the Mancuso files? No. Nicole Mancuso FBI. I didn't know I was supposed to. Nobody told me.

When she said her name, she said Nicole Mancuso files. Yeah. Did you go get the Mancuso files? No. I didn't know I was supposed to. Nobody told me. When she said her name, she said, Nicole Mancuso, FBI. FBI. She whips out her wallet even though there's no badge. Now, this person we're about to read is a city council member. Highest level of giving. And just sounds like someone I met in Wisconsin. Do it. Jason R. Heimbaugh.

Heimbaugh. I love that. What if his middle name is Randy? Jason Randy Heimbaugh. Oh, that would be so fucking cool. Said Jason R. Jason Randy Heimbaugh I love that What if his middle name Is Randy Jason Randy Heimbaugh Oh that would be So fucking cool Jason R Jason Randy Heimbaugh

Thank you Mr. Heimbaugh Appreciate it The Jim Harbaugh I know Thank you Contributors Elizabeth Elizabeth

The first We appreciate it She's our first one It's just Elizabeth And how about this next one Aloha Aloha Erica Casey How is that Eric

Is it Erica Casey And she was saying Aloha to herself Aloha to herself Maybe And maybe it. Aloha Erica Casey. How is that, Eric? Is it Erica Casey and she was saying aloha to herself? Maybe, and maybe it's from Hawaii. Erica Casey, thank you. Once again, Jason R. Heimbaugh, Dave Ranallo, and of course Honey Graham, thank you. And Jordan Shumway, Shumway, Shumway. Really appreciate you guys so much and everyone who contributes. We appreciate all of you as well.

Special shout out to our pilots of the community and our city council members. Let's get back to the show. Alright, let's keep this show going. Here's what's cool is that you do a thing like Sketchfest and then you find out you can have a surprise secret guest join your show. He tweeted about it. Some of you may know

he does some of the greatest podcasts out there. Agreed. Go see him all this weekend as he's doing his shows. We'll find out what he's doing. But Doug loves movies and The Interruption. I know he's doing a Fifty Shades movie. Doug Benson! Thank you.

How are you doing, Doug? You doing good? Yeah, I love this picture that you have back here because your silhouettes make it look like it's an episode of Mystery Science Theater where they just watch a podcast and just look at a still of you guys the entire time. It's beautiful. It's still there.

Do you want some Jan Flados? Yeah, let's put Jan Flato back up. Let's throw Jan back up there if we can get him back up. In his lifetime, Jan Flato has been awake at midnight on New Year's Eve twice. Clock strikes midnight. Where's Jan? Who cares? Who cares? He's like passed out on a dog pillow Under the coffee table

Jan Flato's favorite vegetable Is cheese in a can And next Very soon you guys Jan Flato is going to headline SF Sketchy Fest. Well done. And the SF is San Fernando.

It's not. I get it. It's not this beautiful city. No, sir. Jan Plato. Jan Plato spells San Francisco S-A-N-P-H. Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. Well, Doug Benson, I'm so happy you're here with us. We're going to jump into another story if you could. I would love to participate. All right, let's do it. Let's do this. And this one's really short, so just kidding. Here we go.

Yep. This was sent in by Justin Bartels at Bartelsphoto. Thanks, dude. Thank you. A wedding. No plugs. None. Easy.

Okay. All right. Easy. Easy. A wedding is supposed to be a real life fairy tale. No, it's not. No, it's not. It isn't.

Tell it to my wife when we got married at Walt Disney World. What? No. That would be terrible. You all just lost so much respect for me. We did not get married at Walt Disney World. I thought that was awesome. They got married at Disneyland. In my opinion, the only thing a wedding is supposed to be is open bar.

A wedding is supposed to be... I got married at Animal Kingdom. It was wonderful. By the tree. Bush Gardens, Tampa, Floridaida we got married on the spaceship earth ride at epcot a wedding is supposed to be a real life fairy tale but this is a very different kind of story it happened saturday you know then at the parker manor wedding venue where photographer katie maida was documenting a wedding but according to parker county sheriff documenting yes yeah photographing it wasn't like they were like the mazel brothers going over there like let's get

in there let's document this wedding it's verner herzog and her uh and they can like, let's get in there. It's documented wedding. It's Werner Herzog and her. And they can only listen to the audio of the wedding. Of the vows. It's too grotesque. Can I please have another Tito's and soda? There you go. You know what, Doug? This is how...

Oh, shit. What? That one's finished. He threw it. For those at home... I'll grab one as well. All right. Snickers bar.

He only had a Snickers bar. It happened Saturday at the Parker Manning wedding venue where photographer Katie Mado was documenting a wedding, but according to Parker County Sheriff, the bride and groom got more than they bargained for when things reportedly spiraled out of control.

That is not a phrase you want to hear at your wedding. No. No. An off-duty sheriff's deputy was working security at the wedding, and according to the report, quote, he was advised by the wedding party that the wedding photographer had been found having sexual intercourse with a male wedding guest. What? Big deal. She was documenting

the wedding. I agree. By the way, I want to see those pictures. I know. More like Dick-umenting. Oh, folks. She did it in black and white and color. That's my brother.

Yes. Yeah, I would be, if I'm that cop, I'm like, what the fuck's wrong with you people? The whole wedding party has to come tattletale and the photographer and the guy who's probably going through a breakup. You made him the fucking usher. He hates his tux.

To me. That's why you got to get a tux at rentatux.com. Thank you. Thank you. Yeah! Jesus Christ, Doug. Two things just happened. Doug, Mike dropped getting a drink.

And I didn't get one. Oh, wow. That's good. It's all right. It's okay. It's awkward when I drop it, but cool when I pick it back up. But to me, the cops should not be called unless she's fucking the groom. Am I right? Not even then.

You don't know. They might be like, you do whatever you want. She should only be called if she killed somebody while fucking them. Sure. Ever hear of a last fling? Yeah. The guy got one in. I mean, if it was the groom.

Right. It was the groom. Right, right, right. It's the photographer. But also, like, what if in their vows they just slipped in and it's an open marriage? Like, they just said that. Do whatever. And then no one really paid attention because no one ever really pays attention. And then that's okay. So she, according to the entire wedding party, and these people are annoying,

so I'm sure it was like nine on each side. If I'm that photographer, they're like, hey, I heard you were having consensual sex with someone here. I'd be like, and? We already took the group shots. That's right. That's what I, that photographer, that was great. That photographer should, that's how you that's your game if you're a wedding photographer you're like you know what can i get one of just you way over here i mean did she do it while she was being paid was she on the cock i mean clock

i love you doug she said she was on the cock? Yes. I mean, clock? I love you, Doug. She said she was on the cock. After being approached by the security guard. I didn't cock out yet. That's right. You have to do that. After being approached by the security guard, Katie then walked to a nearby fountain and began to yell at guests again i was hoping you're gonna say urinate or something like oh at which point officers from parker county sheriff's department were called i hope he was like can you tell me what you're doing she's like oh yeah i can tell

you to go fuck yourself that's right then she walked over to a fountain and just started yelling at people's ants. When officers arrived... She definitely started the rant at the fountain. Started it with, and another thing. Like, we didn't hear the first thing. She threw a coin and said, I've got a wish.

I wish you'd all fuck up. But the reaction shots she got, because basically everyone's looking, boom, boom, great shots. So many candids. So many candids. Real moments she was capturing. Guys, it's really hard to capture a real moment at a wedding, and she did.

I hope she looked at the guy she fucked and was like, you coming with me? And he was like, look, that was just something we did. She said that while they were having sex. I hope he looked at her and was like, hey, that was just something we did. She said that while they were having sex. I hope he looked at her and was like, hey, that was just something we did on the golf course. That was just a tap-in on nine.

That was good. Don't you fucking grow. That was a good joke. It was a gimme and he took it. He knows the 19th hole when he sees it. Oh, God. That was in the rough.

I always say there's usually a part. Oh, no, sad trap. There's usually a part in every story where I'm like, this is making the show. In the last story, it was nine things. But in this one, when officers arrived and told her to leave the venue, Katie is alleged to have, quote, gone to a tree nearby the fountain and urinated. Yes.

Yes. Hold it, y'all. She is vindicated. She's like, she's just like, I'm not getting a fucking UTI for that guy. That's right. And you know... That's how woke I am.

I know. And she's like chugging cranberry juice as she's doing it. She held eye contact the whole time. That's how you judge your wokeness? That you know that women need to pee so they don't get a UTI? Yeah, right away. I'm very up on... Paul Scheer.

I'm a feminist. Paul Scheer. I know very up on either feminine. I know that women need to piss. Paul Scheer, if you came to Rochelle, Illinois, you'd judge it on that level too. That's where Dan's from. Can I tell you that last week I had a UTI? You can. I did. I had a fucking UTI.

You got a PF for sex. That's how woke I am. Listen, I'm not getting enough sex to do that for that time. I literally had a U, fucking UTI. What'd you do, rub some cranberries on it? I don't need to brag, but I pee like four times a day. That's amazing. That's unbelievable. No big deal. No big deal.

No, no, no big deal. No big deal. Humble brag. Four or five times a day. So I had a UTI. Morning, at night, like once during the day for sure. Like twice during the day. Like Four or five times a day. So I had a UTI. Good morning, at night, like once during the day for sure. Like twice during the day. Four or five times.

So I had the UTI, and I had to take a picture of my urine so I could show it to the doctor to show that there were little flecks of red in there. And I took the picture. It's on my phone. Would you drink some red schlager? Yeah. And then just flecks of it. And then I was at the airport this

morning in burbank with and jamie denbo was there and she's like let me see your kids and so i forgot that that picture was on there and she's like oh that's she's like looking at pictures of my kids and then she just sees a picture of my urine with red flecks in it. And I was like, Georgia's really grown. Now that's woke, Randy. Thank you for sharing that. You're welcome. I'm not afraid to share it. Deputies noted Katie appeared to be under the influence of alcohol at the time.

No shit. As well as being suspected of combining that alcohol with Xanax. Wow. Okay. Now you're partying. Now she's going to fall asleep under that tree katie was arrested and taken to jail and the and report says that while en route she made several violent and vulgar threats toward officers quote y'all's daughters are dead that is oh shit now who's woke what if she was saying you don't know it yet but literally they're already dead

to be fair she's a photographer and she steals people's souls yes that is true according to the report she went on to say quote y'all families will be dead by christmas wow can i can i stop this for one second and beg that you please put her picture up now so we can enjoy the rest of the story as we can look at her? Well, I only have one more sentence and then we're going to guess her age and you will get to see her. Wait, I just

to me, I want to know what the interview process was to hire her as the photographer. So what are you thinking? I mean, obviously you're the artist. I make people really comfortable. Okay, good. I really make people come to me. I mean, what about our daughters?

Can you get the daughters in the photo? What is your prediction for the daughters? I mean, they're so beautiful. They're going to live until they're seven. Katie is a photographer and also an Instagram model. By the way, that is the worst thing you've said about her all day.

She regularly posts modeling videos to YouTube and Instagram pages. Now, I'm going to ask you, how old is Katie? Now, Douglas, you are our newest guest. You can go first. There's a lot of audience guesses like we're on Price is Right. Now, Douglas, you are our newest guest. You can go first. There's a lot of audience guests. It's like we're on Price is Right. I know. I'm going to say, that sounds like a young professional to me.

So I'm going to put her around 24. Okay. 24 years old. 22. 22. 22 from Paul. Jason Sklar? Like, I want her to be like 78 so badly like I want her to be like

yeah 78 so did everybody at that wedding so did the guy who was fucking her I'm gonna say I'm gonna say she's 26 yeah 26

she's I think she's 33 33 i think she's my second choice you know what i think she's hearing a little clock ticking that's all i'm saying okay let's get a couple people who are in this town that watch you got both hands up what's your name what is it with both your hands up yep j. Jen, what's your guess? 42 years old. On Instagram? I don't think so. Okay, all right.

Gentlemen right here. 42-year-olds don't know how to use Instagram. 17. And she got hired as a photographer? I wouldn't have done that story. Yeah. All right, right here. 19.

And we'll do one more. This gentleman. 15. 19, what was your name?'m sorry julia welcome to town roman 52 hold on can i stop for a second yeah 52 years old okay can we talk about this 52 yeah exactly yeah go ahead paul how give me the the things that drove you to 52 yeah yeah like because all of these seem roughly right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 52 seems

aggressively wrong. So I really want to get into the thought process. I don't want you to because by the way you might be right. I think you're

aggressively wrong but I want to know where the 52 is. If she's 52 she would have said she was an Instabook model. She's a Friendster model. I think a lot of people have some self-inflated egos.

Self-inflated egos. She has no self-awareness. No self-awareness. And she's divorced for the third time. Wow. These are good thoughts. That's a story. Trying to get some.

That's a story. You brought it, Roman. Trying to get some. We would have also taken she had to go pee right then. Most 52-year-old women need to. Yep. All right. So.

Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh. What? Now, we will only play this version of the game on the stage. So, now we get to guess who we think is exactly right. Can you review the ages one more time? So the ages, so all the ages.

Stay here, Doug. Is it good? Yeah, okay. So all the ages we have are, I said 33. Okay, Jason. Jason, you said 26. 26. I said 22.

Okay. Doug, you said 24. 24. 24 said 22. Doug, you said 24. 24. Roman, you said 52. Oh, wait. I thought it was us. It's just between us on stage. You guys are the only ones who are going to guess, but we can hear everybody. It could be anyone in the room. What number do you think was right?

Someone in the room is right. 19. Okay. Good enough. That's good enough. So there is a part of me that wants all four of us on stage to pick 52. Yeah. Doug, what do you think? Who do you think is right?

Me. Okay. Nice confidence. I like it. I would bet on myself, but in lieu of doing that, 17. Okay. Okay. Wow. Jay. How does she get the job? I'm right. myself, but in lieu of doing that, 17. Okay, wow. How does she get the job? I'm right. I know she's 26.

I know it. I think I'm right. I think she's 33. Okay. As soon as I say her age, we are going to see what she looks like because Katie. But how are we going to have photos of her? Sorry. Just kidding. Katie, get your answers in now.

Is 26 years old. Oh, Jay. Oh, my God. Thank you. Thank you very much. I hope that picture went up on Instagram right there. That would have been a fucking great one. That looked like a drawing.

It's beautiful. She's, God, man. Is she really small standing next to a ruler? She is the five-inch photographer. Someone from the audience explained she's beautiful. She is. She looks like she's in the touring company for the play of Gone Girl. Yeah. She looks like she's in the touring company for the play of Gone Girl. Yeah.

She looks like she's in the touring company of Glow. I mean, she's just, what is that? You know, something like, she is. She's pissed off, guys. She got some, she got some, she got some. She's got eyebrows. She got some strange and everybody ruined it. You know, the groom was like, she's groom was like, we should go with her.

She's the one. And the bride is like, I don't think so. She seems a little crazy to me. Well, her Instagram, she takes good pictures. She's fine. She takes really good pictures. She's fine. So how much shit did the groom get after this?

Oh, my God. Hey, they have memories that last a lifetime. She didn't fuck the groom. No, she didn't fuck the groom. She fucked another guy. All right, that's story number two. Did anybody in this town bring stories to read we have a few we have a few all right guys all right well let's take a break

thank you guys story number two how about it you guys take a break we'll be right back with more dumb people town stick around make it sound there's more dumb people town Welcome back to Dumb People Town, everybody. And Paul, you have a new show, or your show is premiering on Black Monday. Yes, Black Monday with Don Cheadle, Andrew Rannells, and Regina Hall. September, sorry, January 20th. January 20th. Check out Paul Shearer. You can watch the pilot for free right now.

All right, I love it. On YouTube. And Douglas, anything else coming up for you? check out Paul Shearer we can watch the pilot for free right now alright I love it on YouTube and Douglas anything else coming up for you check all your live dates and stuff at douglovesmovies.com

I love it alright guys we are ready for our final segment and what we do in our live show is we like to extend it to the community

this is a town hall meeting this is so fun for us because Dan doesn't know these stories I know and so we just get the details read for us so guys who lined up

thank you so much step up to the mic speak loud I'm sure the mic is loud enough for everyone to hear dan doesn't know these stories and so we just get the details read for us so guys who lined up thank you so much yes step up to the mic speak loud i'm sure the mic loud enough for everyone and whoever has the best story doesn't have to pay their bill right no we didn't say that i did no no no no now i will tell you because i love all of you whoever has the best story gets to fuck this photographer oh what no hang on well she's if she wants it. So. If he wants it. If you're veering in a way that's going to hurt you and us, I'll just tell you. And if I hurry you along, it's only because I care. Ready?

You ready? And I'll tell you one more thing. Yes. Brevity is always great. Thank you. This is the guy who suggested the 45-second karaoke song. All right, let's. You ready?

What's your name, brother? My name is Robert. Hi, Robertbert welcome to town welcome buddy i think we're ready for this one okay okay let's hear it we got it greenlee oh shit okay okay okay you gotta explain to these guys so will will greenlee is a journalist i love that you say journalist and pause before that yes is a pause journalist from the tpc palm and he writes as if he has to fill 1500 words for every story so they aren't even that long he will explain what an anchor is he will explain what a beer is made out of how a mop is used and so the fun thing

that we get to do and i don't know if you did any yourself. I wish I could have. I wish I could have. Well, so we get to just hear. I wish you would have spent time on this. Yeah. I just love. Well, what Dan does when Dan does is he writes his own and we have to guess which is a Greenlee and which is. But you'll just enjoy how stupid this journalist is.

Our show has so much exposition. Okay. Okay. Hit us, brother. Are you guys ready? Yeah. Okay. Dear Antler Wilding,

I gouging caper in Palm City. What? Dear Antler Wilding, I gouging. I thought he was writing a letter. Dear Antler Wilding. Dear Ant, Dear Ant,

weirderly. Dear Antler Wilding and Uncle Joe. Okay. An apparent domestic Donnie Brooke involving deer antlers and an eye-gouging grandmother left a 37-year-old man behind bars in affidavit states. Yep.

I love you. I hope his name was Donnie Brooke. You know Don, Don Brooke? Yeah. I love you, Don Brooke? Yeah. I love you, Robert, but usually when I get to the sentence where somebody's grandma gets their eye gouged out, I move on to the next one. Let's hear it. What happened?

Jacob Ashworth of the 6400 block of Southwest... Just so you guys know, Donny Brooke is a... Fight. Yeah. A scene of uproar yeah okay thank you i can't believe greenlee didn't take time to explain that to us all right well the 6400 block like as the numbers get higher the crazier shit yeah that's right exactly well this is of southwest gator trail oh god boy in palm city you know someone's had too many specifics yeah someone's had to... Too many specifics. Yeah, someone's tried to have sex with a kid. Was jailed on a battery charge after the December 22nd flap.

It's the most wonderful time of the year. That's right. Martin County Sheriff's deputies spoke to Ashworth's uncle, who said Ashworth kept coming after him, the affidavit states. The uncle said he grabbed deer antlers to defend himself. Of course. All right. When it went in, it's not just decorative.

It's a website. Ashworth told deputies he argued with his uncle, saying his uncle was making noise and disturbing him. Yeah. I just love that this dude saw the ending of Get Out and was like, I'm going to fuck someone up with some antlers. Spoiler alert. And in his defense, uncles should be seen and not heard. That's right.

Ashworth said his uncle got a deer antler and knife and threatened him. So they both have deer antlers and they're threatening each other? It's like a deer antler square off? Antlers are the branched, bony

growth. Oh, come on. Come on. Protruding from the head of male deer known as bucks. Gotta get to 1500 words. This guy thinks that Donnie Brook is just everybody knows that. But no one knows antlers.

How would anyone know what an antler was? Antlers grow in pairs and are prized by deer hunters. Nope. Who sometimes hire a taxidermist to preserve the head of a killed deer for display as a trophy-like object, often by hanging it in a den or a living room. Robert, I love you. I'm going to end it on that. It's not going to get better than that.

Let's get into what a den is. It's going to get better. A den is a place. A den or a living room. I'm going to end it on that. It's not going to get better than that. Let's get into what a den is. A den is a place. I don't recommend it in the bedroom. No. Dead animals are eternal. Sir, behind the Donnybrook reader, you don't even need that light on. You're not coming up anytime soon. Don't worry.

It's a joke. Oh, he's really upset. He's really upset. Female deer, female deer such as feline in the popular animated animated movie bambi no lack anters lack antlers thank you okay meanwhile ashworth said he didn't know what to do he attacked his uncle and got on top of him. The affidavit states. While they were struggling, his grandma came behind him. Was it struggling or was it fucking? I mean, let's be honest.

I've heard it both ways. Okay. While they were struggling, his grandma came behind him and gouged his eye to break up the fight. Wow. Nice. What is he, a pit bull? Yeah. Just electrocute him, for Christ's sake. Wow. Nice. What is he, a pit bull? Yeah. It's like,

just electrocute him, for Christ's sake. God. The grandmother and grandfather eventually pulled them apart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Go ahead.

The grandmother and grandfather eventually pulled them apart. Ashworth denied going after his uncle. Of course he did. Of course he did. Deputies spoke

to the grandmother and grandfather and determined Ashworth was the primary aggressor. Ashworth was taken to Martin County Jail. Jail is a... Thank you, sir. Thank you very much. There you go.

There's the green thing. Antlers. Thanks, brother. All right, sir. Welcome. Welcome to the microphone. Welcome to town. What's your name, my friend?

If Mr. Shearer would allow me to turn on my mic. Yeah, you can turn it on. You can turn it on. Yeah, turn it on. You were really upset about that comment. No, no, I wasn't upset. You don't need to prep that much. I was trying to follow the rules.

Yeah, no, I got it. You followed them. Hit me, brother. Let's do it. Okay. Welcome to town. This is a story about a Kentucky man charged with assault after allegedly throwing Christmas ham at a woman.

Oh, yeah. There we go. Now we're into it. This is a short and sweet leftover from the holiday period. Okay. Let's do it. Just like the ham. A Kentucky man has been arrested and charged with assault after allegedly

allegedly I love that no one approved it. throwing a Christmas ham at a woman. The Laurel County Sheriff's Office said in a Facebook post that David Bannon was arrested Sunday night. That's a Sunday leading up to Christmas? That's right.

Because Christmas is on Tuesday, right? It's a pre-Christmas ham. It's important. Was David Bannon the Incredible Hulk? Yes. Hey, it's one of his aliases. You wouldn't like him when he's angry. He was arrested Sunday after the police responded to a dismestic...

I got it. I got it. Just use your light. Just use the light. Just go into the light. The light is not helping. Did you print out something from the internet instead of just looking at it off of your phone?

You got it. After an argument about what? Read the article once out loud before you get here. I got you. I'm with you. I'm with you. I'm with you. Listen. I'm with you. I'm with you. After an argument about

what day the family was going to having Christmas dinner. What day the family was having Christmas dinner. That's the argument. So the issue is are we doing it on Sunday? Are we doing it on Christmas or Christmas Eve? Or Hanukkah?

So then someone got a ham thrown at them. Ben allegedly began to throw items at a female victim, including the ham for the dinner. What a dick. I'm dead serious. Screwing ham dinner like that. I mean, you're having an issue about what day it is, and then you're throwing it.

I mean, I think Christmas is pretty much set in stone, right? Yeah, I'm pretty sure. I mean, as a Jew, it should be like. It moves around. Sometimes it's the first Monday of December. Is it the first Monday? Because I know that Christmas is based on the lunar calendar. All right, I'm going to wrap it up.

I'll wrap it up. All right, brother. All right, brother. Bannon attempted to run from police but was detained. He has been charged with fourth degree assault and second degree fleeing. So his assault needs to... Second degree

fleeing? Yeah. Yeah, they clock your 40. It's based on your 40 time. That's it. Second degree. Thank you, sir. I appreciate you being in town. Thank you, brother town thank you brother thank you thank you what hello sir welcome to town what's your name my name is bo hi bo what's up hit me

naked man arrested after standoff with police where he threatened them with assault rifle and samurai sword yes yes yes this is Yes. Is this Pulp Fiction? Exactly. Or it's like two different Tarantino movies. Yeah. But you also can't use those two things

at the same time. I know. You want to fucking bet? San Jose, California. A naked man. Which is funny because isn't this what's on the city flag? Naked man with a machete.

A naked man was arrested by police after he was waving a samurai sword in a standoff with San Jose authorities. I always wonder how they approach. Hey, buddy. Want some Doritos? Here's a bag of Doritos. I don't think that waving a samurai sword anywhere is a good defense when people have guns.

It's like that scene in Indiana Jones. That's it. The man identified as Coco Bennett from 29 Coco Bennett Coco beware was reported by his neighbors who grew concerned when Bennett was walking around outside

holding an AR-15 assault rifle. Nope. See you later, buddy. The standoff lasted for about three hours after he fled from the location of the initial call and drove a car to Southwest Expressway in Bascom Avenue intersection. Where did he hold his keys?

Don't you worry about that. Alright, fine. Bennett was shouting, you're going to have to kill me at officers. Fine, we'll do it. And at one point, they used a flashbang to help detain him. What?

Okay. He was finally arrested shortly after 11 a.m., nearly three hours after the initial report. He's an 8 a.m. This guy does more before 11 a.m. than most of us the initial report. He's an ace behind the rules. This guy does more before 11 a.m. than most of us do in a whole day. He's like the army. Probably a Marine.

His motives still remain a mystery. I think humanitarian. The thing we had on our side is time, says San Jose. What? And a shit ton of guns. Yeah, exactly. During our three-hour standoff.

We have time. There is no sense in rushing it. Ultimately, we wanted him to drop the sword. People who don't know how guns work. This was early 2000s. Paul Scheer, again, 45 second karaoke song. If he was the cop, boom, his dick is up. Bo, is that about it?

Okay. He's just going to scroll through some emails. That's fine. That's good, dude. Almost done. Sorry. There is... It doesn't quite end like that as he was detained after he tried and failed to scale a fence with the sword in hand oh no why didn't he just put it in his mouth he fell don't want to scale a fence when you're naked and you're a guy there's too many pieces of flapping skin that can

be pulled in different directions he fell from from the fence and dropped the sword during the fall. Bennett is currently being treated for various unspecified minor injuries. Taint injuries. A lot of taint tears. Like a sprained taint. He was charged with Did you say taint tears? Yeah, taint tears. I love you. I said sprained

taint. I'm a doctor. I know some shit. That's right. That's right. He was charged with suspicion of brandishing a weapon and possession of an assault rifle. There you go. I know some shit. That's right. That's right. He was charged with suspicion of brandishing a weapon in possession of an assault rifle. There you go. Thank you, Bo. We got a couple more. Hello, friend. Welcome to town. What's your name?

Hi, I'm Diana. Hi, Diana. Hit us. All right. Alabama officials urged drivers not to eat chicken tenders spilled on highway after crash. Okay. That's a story.

There it is. There it is. There it is. And you know what the Rochelle boy in me says? Sometimes don't listen to the cops. Yeah. What if it's sitting

on top of tenders? Yeah, no. You like a barbecued honey mustard or tar? Yeah. By the way, it's stories like these that make you realize

that Roy Moore almost got elected. Almost. I'm going to eat them damn old tenders. You're going to eat them tenders all day, Ro? You're going to eat them tenders all day, Ro? Hey, government ain't going to tell me what food I can't eat. Okay, man. You're going to tell me I'm going to eat these tenders.

I'm going to eat these goddamn tenders. See, Ro tenders are good. That's a lot of fun, but I have two shows in Alabama in April. Oh, sorry. Bring your tenders, man. Be cool. Be cool, bro. Chicken tenders went flying on an Alabama highway Sunday evening

following an 18-wheeler car crash. The sighting prompted a number of hungry drivers and motorists to stop their vehicles and collect the fried snacks the next day. Stop. Stop. Let me just say that at first I was against the drivers, now I'm for the drivers. They're frozen. Yeah, they're going to be fine.

It's road, nothing wrong. You put them in the oven, the germs get baked right off. Thank you. But they were hungry. They're not going to be able to have them immediately. No. And as they're picking it up, as they're picking it up, they're like, the Lord giveth. It's like manna from heaven, y'all.

Scripture, y'all. It's like manna from heaven. Babe, someone's going to fucking eat these tenders. Yeah, man. Someone's going to fucking eat them? Yeah.

Well, no, then they try to crash into like a barbecue sauce truck. I'm going to T-bone this son of a bitch. We're going to get some honey mustard. Hey, man, I'm going to call that my KC masterpiece. You got that. That's what you call an Alabama Ocean's Eleven.

First, we'll hit the chicken tenders truck. Then we'll hit the honey truck. Then we'll hit the mustard truck. And get ready for the biggest meeting of all time. Then we shoot that ranch helicopter out of the sky. It's going to be raining heaven. Shortly after the crash, the Cherokee County Emergency Management released a public service announcement warning those traveling on Highway 35 near the DeKalb County line to not stop their vehicles.

That's ridiculous. Where is this exactly? It's in Alabama. 35 though, you said what exit? on Highway 35 near the DeKalb County line to not stop their vehicles. That's ridiculous. Do not... Where is this exactly? It's in Alabama. Uh, 35 though? You said what exit? Do not eat the brown chicken. Babe, I'm going to tell you right now.

I'm going to tell you. I'm about to roll tide this F-150. I'm going to roll tide this F-150 right over inside the road. We're going to wait for three goddamn days, y'all. That's right. In addition to creating a traffic hazard, the AMA explained the chicken tenders were unsafe to eat.

Oh, really? I beg to differ. That's your opinion. Alabama officials then made the decision to close down the highway to one lane in order to expedite the cleaning process. There you go. You can close that son of a bitch down all you want.

I'm going to turn on shallows. I'm going to go down there and get that fucking chicken. Thank you, Diana. Only a couple more, guys. Alex. Alex is back in the town. Hi, buddy. How you guys doing? Bring the heat or go sit down.

I'll make it quick. Marijuana possession, front street. A Warren man was arrested Hi, buddy. Hey, bud. How you guys doing? Bring the heat or go sit down. I'll make it quick. All right. Doug, hear that? Marijuana possession, Front Street. A Warren man was arrested at 3 a.m. after police found marijuana in the car he was driving. An officer checked the car's license plate number while the car was southbound on Front Street. The car belonged to a 30-year-old Berea woman who was wanted in Middleburg Heights. The officer stopped the car.

When the driver, the Warren man, rolled down his window, the officer smelled marijuana. The officer asked the man if there was marijuana in the car. No, I smoked it all. Smart, smart, smart. It's like a riddle. However, the officer found a jar of marijuana in the front passenger seat. If the officer leaves Front Street at marijuana in the front passenger seat. Oh.

If the officer leaves Front Street at 5.52 p.m. The officer then learned that the man's license had been suspended, so he told the man to call someone to pick him up. The man called the car's owner, the Barea woman, who was arrested upon arrival. Oh, shit. That's diabolical. Thank you, sir. Alex, thanks for coming by town. I appreciated that. Thanks, brother. Ooh, that's diabolical. Thank you, sir.

Alex, thanks for coming by, Tom. I appreciated that. Thanks, brother. Wait, hold on one second. I want to thank Paul Scheer. How about a round of applause for Paul Scheer? Doug Benson, everybody. Doug Benson, everybody.

Knock it down. Dan Van Kirk. Hello, Dan Van Kirk. We are the Skly Brothers. Thank you so much for coming out. And, oh, shit. We got to get back to work. Thank you so much for coming out. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Thank you guys. Thank you.

Let's hear it for the squad. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.