Dumb People Town - Pax Assadi - Only Fams

Episode Date: August 15, 2023

Comedian Pax Assadi stops by as Randy warns against gifting your cousin's fiance a subscription to OnlyFans, Daniel describes how a Florida man lost his pants during an hours long chase, and Jason explains why a woman destroyed a BMW over ignored texts, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Fitbod! Get 20% off your subscription at https://Fitbod.me/dpt 

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That's F-I-T-B-O-D dot M-E slash D-P-T. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of dumb people town population dude welcome to the show all the way from new zealand you flew all the way in just to record this and you're flying all the way back afterwards immediately that's so much weird that's the worst we could pay you we we added in the budget we had the points really but we. But we had the points to get you here, and it was worth it. It was weird that you demanded first class and then settled for business class. Right, right. But I still think that's, I'm glad you're here.

No, I'm very happy to be here, and I'm excited to go back to LAX, the best airport in the world. The calmest. The calmest, cleanest. The nicest. No traffic getting in and out. Yeah, I love it. Not in such a good mood. Most updated.

The worst. Yeah. Literally Most updated. The worst. Literally the worst. The worst. Well, you're coming from New Zealand. What's the plan? Are you heading off to Montreal from here? Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

So I'm here for a couple of days trying to reset myself, get lag-wise, and then get on a plane and go to Montreal, do JFL. Amazing. Great festival. You have galas and stuff like that. Yeah, shows and stuff. You all have so much fun. Do stand-up comedy, as JFL. Great festival. You have galas and stuff like that. Yeah, shows and stuff. You all have so much.

Do stand-up comedy, as they say. Is that what it's called? I'm familiar with it. That's what they call it. Have you been to Montreal before? Oh, yes, I have. I've been to Montreal once when I was 12 years old to visit my dad's best friend. And it was snowing.

And I just had to hang out. Yeah, it was freezing. You're like, this doesn't happen in New Zealand. Yeah, so you're just stuck in a house with my dad. So you're just stuck with like two Persian guys. Two older Persian. I shouldn't call my dad elderly. Older Persian guys.

Older than you. That'd be a great podcast. Talking about like car prices. I'm just like, guys, I want to go. We can't go outside because it's snowing. No, but please get in the weeds more on your car. Tell me about your bargain on your toyota camry uh very geographical recommendation go to a sandwich place called

pave p-a-v-e pave you will love it do you know what i love about the united states of america among many things sure the list smog sure yes the racism the racism you know what we usually try that in a small the hate yeah i love i love america for many many reasons and i genuinely do i know i did a gag about bad things but i genuinely love america but the thing i love about america the most is you is sandwiches oh my god you guys love we just did a podcast about not a whole thing, but we went on a riff with our last guest who is in here just about mid-level sub shops. Rory Scovel and I have a podcast. We got a letter once. Halfway through the letter, we talked about sandwiches for 20 minutes and then realized we never finished the letter.

You are so on. We are seen. We have been seen by it's such a thing that's it's such a thing i mean look it is such a thing but jay and i were just talking about being in san francisco on this last podcast too and between the comedy club and the bar that's like on the same block they opened up this curry house that was the smell was so good i was like this is intoxicating i can't believe you said curry sandwiches that's because it's america no oh they don't do curry sandwich i guarantee you somebody is doing a curry sandwich yeah no no no for sure i just saw a loco moco like the hawaiian

dish uh i don't know what that's not a real thing the loco moco what is that oh my god yeah it's rice and then a hamburger patty and then egg and then egg on top. What? You've never had this? It's a Hawaiian dish. So my daughter makes masoobi, which is spam on top of rice. You guys, it is so fucking good. Oh, my God.

But I saw someone do one as a burrito. So I guarantee somebody's done a curry sandwich. Yeah, curry sandwich has to. But the smells coming out of here were so good. Jay and I. Tecumseh sandwich? It was like, you know, a cartoon when like the smell comes the end just like teakama sandwich stop it that's probably what it's called that's probably what

the place is called chicken rogue that's not quite right it's a chicken roll all right so you know how like cartoon characters they get the scent that's something beautiful and their feet get lifted oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And they just wobble. And they just wobble. I thought it was going to do that. Like a finger under your nose.

God, it was supposed to do that. All right, so here's the deal. The world is dumb, and I'm sure it's really dumb in New Zealand, too. I'm sure you've experienced the dumbest. No, no, it's dumber over in Australia, but fine. Way dumber in Australia than New Zealand. Yeah, take that, Australia. Take that, Gold Coast. Okay, all right. How many other Let's be awesome. Take that. Take it. Take that, Gold Coast.

Okay. All right. How many other places, Dino? Take that, Perth. Take that, Bondi Beach. Yeah. Okay. You got, oh, wow.

He knows more. Take that, Kangaroo Island. Brisbane. Is that real? Yeah, it's real. I went there. Take that, Lizard Island. Wow.

Take that, Cairns. Oh, wow. Take that. I can keep going. That's really impressive. Spider Fields. I'm just going. It's really impressive spider fields I'm just gonna name dangerous things in places and I imagine that's the name of spider who killed the cow to by the way There are broken glass our friend. Our friend Eric went to Australia and yeah for the first time and he read

He was like reading up about the country. He's like, um, there are 8,000 things that could kill me. Well, yeah Yeah, Australia is a dangerous place. It's just straight up. Snakes, spiders, dudes with mullets. Like, it's a bad place. We got that, too, though. We got that, too. We do have that, too.

OK, name places in New Zealand. New Zealand? OK, Auckland, Queenstown, Dunedin. What? Christ Church. Christ Church. I'm not even going there. I went to the Amish Field Winery.

Okay. I've been to places. The Shire. Yes. So here's the naming places. Gandalf's House. The Tower of Sauron. Dan, stop.

All right. So can I get in this story? Because the world is getting dumber. Listen, it's dumb. I mean, we could just goof around all day with you. No, no, no. We've got dumb stories to get into. All right, Pax.

All right. So here's that. It was brought to you by Derek, the legendary daddy at Games Design Dude. So he sent this in. Thanks, brother. Appreciate this. I wonder what he does for a job. I think he works at a curry house, a curry sandwich house.

All right. He definitely does not design games. He definitely, like, that's not. He's like a misleading guy. house a curry sandwich house all right definitely does not design games he definitely like that's not he's like a misleading guy all right so here we go woman considers calling off engagement after cousin gifts her fiance a subscription to her adult video content can you follow this pax say that again okay so it would be like if I had an OnlyFans, which maybe I do. OnlyDance. My cousin's getting married. Your cousin was getting married.

My cousin's getting married, and my husband gives my cousin, no, his cousin. Woman considers. She didn't do it. She considers calling off engagement after cousin gifts her fiance. Okay, yeah, so this is what I was saying. Okay, you guys, just hear me out. So if I had an OnlyFans and my cousin or his cousin, no, gave my fiance a subscription to my OnlyFans. This isn't well written here.

Not to your OnlyFans, to her OnlyFans. So it's my, yeah, my wife's yeah gives me a subscription to her only fans so it's a little risque because the cousin's like here's my gift for your wedding my gift i gave your fiance a subscription to my only sitting on a coke bottle yeah i mean it was on the registry yeah like babe we put it on the list guys we have the gravy boat and we have the video of her shooting ping pong balls out of her vagina. That's awesome. We got two gravy boats.

The people that you're subscribed to on OnlyFans is intense. Vagina ping pong balls? I'm not slut shaming you or kink shaming you, but that is intense. You say a lot for that. The guy's like, you said I could sign up for stuff. He makes it about, you told me to participate in this wedding.

You wanted the extra Le Creuset pot, so I get this. Why would you call off the wedding for somebody else's actions? She's considering. Well, why even consider it? It's highly dependent. Did he ask for it? Well, it's highly dependent on how the husband interacts with it. Yeah, how he interacts with it.

I'm now going to explain another thing that she's mad about. A woman is considering ending her engagement after her cousin, quote, ruined Christmas by gifting her fiance a subscription to OnlyFans. This is also in a vacuum. This is hilarious. Right. It is. Like if you were if you were like the John Mulaney character in episode six of The Bear season two yeah where you are just a person who gets to observe this family if that was your role at this person's christmas you would he delighted in it right so also as a comic you'd be like you guys this is the greatest thing in a post to the true

off my chest subreddit this woman explained how the situation went down and how it left her entire family feeling deeply awkward in her post she describes how she comes to form a very large comes from a very large family comes that intimately sorry that's a great point the story part of her only thing how she originates from a very large family with lots of cousins in their 20s and 30s who all exchange gifts so this is a family that has a lot of cousins and everyone maybe this was a white elephant what does that mean so a white elephant we would have all the gifts let's say you went first you don't we you don't know who bought what you only know the thing you bought so you pick a gift that isn't the one you bought right you open it now before we start to argue with me let's just roll

with what i say you open it you can either you you then have to keep it because you went first i then go second i pick a gift i open it i can either take your gift right and now you get mine and then so on and so forth there's just so many variations why would anyone what it is it's a surprise present where you can either keep what you have or trade for something else can you if you pick so maybe she put in an envelope that said congr congrats, you won a subscription. What if you pick fifth? That's the name of my only thing. If you pick fifth, can you take first?

Yes. Oh my God. So first is the worst. Now some people play, let's say I'm the fifth person or fourth in this, and you guys have already all opened yours, right? Whoever. And I go, before I grab one, I i can say i don't want to grab a new one i want randy's so i would take randy's and then now randy doesn't have it so randy can either

take from there or he could take someone else's you just can't take back the one that was just taken from you wow that's so maybe she just put an envelope down that was like hey who wants this maybe free free you know here are my tips yeah all. So one of her cousins, Anna, found an easy gift solution for all the men who were married to or dating the family member, a family member, only fan subscriptions. The bride to be witnessed her fiance received one of the cousins gifts in a pink envelope, which that's hilarious, in the shape of a taco. That was weird. Just kidding. And I get it. And quickly hide it uh

in his pocket so he opened it wasn't just getting it it was open it okay and then quickly hide it in his pocket um later her cousin rachel pulled her aside in disbelief at the only fans gift that turned out to be on the inside of the envelopes after her own own boyfriend said it made him feel uncomfortable. But when the bride-to-be asked her fiancé about the gift, he lied about it. Okay. I mean, this is... This is about trust now.

Yeah. Right? There's a whole other thing. You can't lie. Who was uncomfortable? So, a boyfriend... Another woman. Another...

Another guy told another woman in the family... Another girl in there that, like, is uncomfortable. And she observed this guy do that? Yes. And so she comes over and goes, what'd you get? He's like, nothing. 1,000% the guy who said that I'm uncomfortable about this is also using the OnlyFans.

Exactly. 1,000%. Like, you just throw a screen grab of the password. And he's like, I'm throwing this away. All we're talking about is how you handled it. Honey, I feel so uncomfortable about this. And he says the whole website four times. The more he says it, I'm so uncomfortable.

I mean, why would she give me a free thing with the password this, this, this, and this? I mean, the password is this, this, this, and this. Why would she do that? That's disgusting. Who has a password that is this, this, this? He's recording a voicemail who has a password that is this this it's so uncomfortable i wish we had an actual password i don't even know how only fans gary got all right fine so do you need to turn out

none of like none of us know how only i don't do you need a password i'm asking dan no you subscribe it's like Netflix. It's Patreon. Patreon, yeah, you subscribe to someone. They're doing comedy on OnlyFans. Yeah, there are a lot of comedy. People are getting paid to do sets. I do naked comedy. Emotionally naked comedy.

But when the bride Okay, so he lied about it. So when she told him she saw him both receive the gift and put it in his pocket, she says he, quote, suddenly remembers he got the gift. Oh, yeah. But he then said he hadn't opened it. He is digging such a hole for himself.

Dude. Dude. That turned out to be a lie. When she took the envelope out of his pocket, it had already opened. Dude. And she's considering calling off the wedding? I mean she's catching him in lie after lie after lie yeah i mean this is i mean some people freak out under pressure yeah like don't rob a bank with this guy yeah don't rob a bank oh yeah so after catching it you know how people say there's a phrase like she's my ride

or die yeah like she'll ride yeah she'll ride is that a phrase in new zealand she's my ride or die we know what it is but we don't know something you are for a thing you're my rider i'm right or die this guy is just die he will not ride he will take you down he will make everything will die around him that ride or die means like we have to give up the like I'm there to the end for you. I'll ride Bonnie and Clyde. I'll ride right next to you. I'm ride or die for Kraft Spirals mac and cheese, as I talked about also on Brandon. Go to the ends of the earth. I'm ride or die for

curry sandwiches. There you go. That's it. Tikka sandwich. So goddamn good. So after catching his fiance and the bride-to-be, then went to confront Anna about her inappropriate gift. And that's when everything got even more awkward. Let's go.

Other family members confront her cousin about the gift cards, too. She found Anna. So what she found Anna embroiled in arguments with several other family members. This is bad business for him. Do a discount code. Anna's the only fan's cousin? Yeah. Only fan's cousin.

Anna who? That's right. You've got to get the information. Femre Zoo called her out for gifting sexual content to their boyfriends and husbands, but Anna insisted it wasn't a come on. The bride-to-be writes what Anna claimed, quote, she's just trying to get her business off the ground. And by business off the ground, it basically revolves around her being on the ground.

Her gift is not sexual. It's just marketing. This bitch. She's saying this to people. What's not sexual? After a heated argument, the bride-to-be left the family Christmas party with her brother and his husband

because several of her family members insisted she apologized to Anna. If you are trying to get it off the ground, you give it to the gay couple too. Am I right? Yes. Spread it around. Spread it around. She ended her story by saying, I'm seriously get it off the ground, you give it to the gay couple, too. Am I right? Yes. Spread it around. Spread it around.

She ended her story by saying, quote, I'm seriously considering calling off the engagement over this. And I'm pissed at my cousin for ruining both Christmas and my relationships. Now, most commenters. Is this I'm the asshole? Yeah. Most commenters. Wait, it is? Really?

Kind of. Most commenters agreed that Anna's adult gift was way out of line. Several commenters were dying to know what the bride-to-be had said to Anna because because they felt uh they would have been even angrier than she was one user wrote not gonna lie i want to know what you said that your mom wants you to apologize to your aunt for because i would have been ruthless so whatever she said to her right i made her mad enough to leave with the gay cousins but like you know how like when someone is in the wrong and they then get on to a thread of what their argument is and then they just start saying that louder and louder so you know like people were confronting this woman at the party and they were like you said what to my boyfriend she's like i'm just trying to get my business off the ground

i'm it's not sexual it's marketing like it's not sexual it could be true like she might just be an idiot right right it was like i don't care if they ever look at it i just need more subscribers subs yeah i get that but but how does she get bit wait a second if she's giving free subscriptions to people she's not going to be making money she's gifts also oh yeah exactly that's what i said that's why it's bad business but also only fans isn't is only fans the Is OnlyFans the type of thing... You know, like, OnlyFans isn't like a great restaurant that you go to. Where you're like, hey, dude, you gotta try this OnlyFans that I had

that I tried last week. It's not a thing that you like... You share or recommend. That you spread around, you know? If you want, dude, Instagram is free. Just do what everyone else does and be naked on Instagram. Thank you. The user went on to warn the bride-to-be about red flags. This incident Instagram is free. Just do what everyone else does and be naked on Instagram. Thank you. Thank you.

The user went on to warn the bride-to-be about red flags this incident received about her fiance. The lies and gaslighting when you saw him. I don't know if he was gaslighting. He was gaslighting if he said he didn't get it. Right. If he said he didn't open it. I don't know if I could. I think that's just a lie.

He's not saying you didn't see me get it. He's trying to get out of it. That's what I'm saying. It could be. He could have freaked out. But he pocketed it after opening it. Okay, so there's no ending to this except should she get out of the engagement. I'm curious to hear what each of you think based on all of this.

I say this a lot. Show me the pattern this is like like if this is an indicative of a pattern of the guy then you'd be like hey how about you don't be a fucking idiot again he's like i will not and then if you get that pattern again it's not like he's going on only thing it the cousin really started a lot of the cousin part's the only part that i don't know i i think people can watch porn and experience their own sexuality and incorporate porn and to their relationships anything can be healthy anything can be unhealthy that's right so the only issue for me is that most of the time when people you know you see people joke about it somebody just did it at taggett i think they were talking about their hall pass you you your hall pass is never a person

you'll ever be in the same hallway with right it's that's what i'm saying that's making it that's what i'm saying right because he's gonna like if she thinks that they're gonna go through their marriage and he doesn't look at naked women on the internet right forget it at some point like this is just don't get married do not get married be alone it's the fact that they can be in the same house multiple times a year what you said she could have given every single person a pink vagina taco shaped envelope and said uh it might be unconventional but i've i am trying to grow my business if you guys want to subscribe to me don't ever tell me that you looked at it or maybe she's

like tell me like i don't care what my point is is then it would have been like everybody could have been like you are nuts versus like why are you just trying to get people who are going to interact with you and presumably heterosexually lean that way because i feel like that's what she wants the only fans to eventually become this is my cousin's husband coming over here who wants to see any a cousin husband what if that becomes her only fan it's like yeah the christ Christmas party hookup. Let's get to the white elephant in the room. I am most untrusting of the cousin because I just don't think that's a legitimate reason to give them out.

You don't hand her. She just might be dumb. Yeah, she might be dumb. You always have to say, when someone pisses you off, you first have to go, are they dumb? Or is there malice a lot of times even with people on the roadway i'm like was that person dumb or being an asshole the intent and this is what we say on this show a lot of times yeah intent is everything in terms of how hot you come in on someone intent is everything like if she's dumb and doesn't get it then you school her if she's really trying to do something nefarious all right fine you can go out here your cousin needs to understand more and your fiance needs to say i fucked up that's

right right i would love to see someone with an only fans just like putting pamphlets into people's litter boxes just here i uh just at the airport at the airport just bark like they do for comedy shows come on out come on open this up i opened myself for you good first story a lot of first story a lot of dumbness in it uh dan you got the second story uh pax society's with us he's coming to us all the way from new zealand fantastic comic there uh new zealand people know him hopefully this podcast and you being on this will open us up to a bunch of new zealand fans yeah and open you up to a bunch of americans yeah both ways i hope so i hope so i am relatively successful um i keep saying relatively like i shouldn't say relatively

you are successful for yourself i own a thousand square meters of land oh my god there you go yeah is that a lot is a thousand square meters oh yeah i forget you guys only know it's like yards three meters to a foot it's good it's good it's good yes yeah a thousand square meters is good in new zealand fantastic you know i drive an electric car okay there you go stop we know how good he is we know what he's i buy campbell's suit okay so it's not signature range i'm saying brands you guys don't know i don't care like when you said signature range i'm like it's not good that. As soon as I say signature range, you understand how shitty it is. Top shelf. Yeah.

But Campbell's? Campbell's is like universal signature range. They're like, is this? Wait, this came to us out of date. It's on the shelf. It's expired. How is that possible? All right.

More with PAX Society. Danny got the next story. We'll be right back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. I jumped me on on that one. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Dang. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. I jumped me on on that one. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Let Pax do it. One more time. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb Land. Dumb People Town. And you're in for a great show of love.

Thank you. Dumb Land. We're here in Dumb Land. It's Dumb People Town. Pax Asadi is our guest. Dumb People Town. What do you got going on? We'll tell you what we got going on.

So, superscolars.com is our website where you can see all of our tour dates and stuff we're gonna do we're probably gonna do a tag it in the middle of which we explained to you this show our friends do sets and then we are writing tags of jokes that we pitch them on stage after we're very collaborative very fun check the comedy store just

check our superschoolers.com but we'll be in Ann Arbor Michigan September 8th and 9th we'll be in Ann Arbor, Michigan September 8th and 9th we'll be in the Comedy Fort in Fort Collins on October around 5th or 6th

and then Springfield Missouri cool new spot cool new spot the Blue Room that's happening in November like the 10th and 11th

or something like that so good stuff we just did our show live the two man show one man show that we did in LA. And we're very excited.

There'll probably be more dates. Yeah, that might have a run somewhere at a theater. We'll see. We'll figure it out. Anyway, that's that. Pax, how can people find you, United States folks follow you, and all that stuff? Pax Society everywhere. Just Pax Society, P-A-X-A-S-S-s-a-d-i okay on instagram great on facebook

do people still go yeah people still have people's moms everyone's moms yeah moms i'm into moms i would guess within a year you'll be back here in the states and people should come check you out at some shows if you yeah yeah please you should hope um i i want to start doing more stand-up in la i haven't done much stand-up you should you absolutely should and if we can help in any way let's figure that i mean two and i have a show if you ever tell when that's happened oh yeah they have a great show all right dan let's ready story let's do it okay guys this is sent in by matthew friedman at not your average matt so our fans just so you know we have a bunch of fans that always send in stories and we have it

in our timeline on twitter where like who was the first person to send this in we can find it out we give credit a handful of people send so matthew friedman is a regular he sends it a lot of stories so we appreciate man thank you also if you're a member of our patreon it's only five bucks you get a whole bunch of fun personal shenanigans from us and old dumb news stories and you can send in a story from your own dumb life where's matthew friedman from do we know we don't know i don I don't know if it's not average. He's not your average man. All right, ready? Here's the headline.

Florida man loses pants while being chased by cops in hours long manhunt. Hours long. So he ran out of his pants? I guess. I mean, at some point where your pants like...

He was that fast? It's quite the night. He's that fast? He's so fast, he runs out of his pants. It's quite the night. Or the pants were that big. You're like, dude,

it's like, you know, he's wearing like JNCO jeans from the 90s and they're just too big or or he gets chased by cops often and he just always has rip-off pants right break away sorry break away no that's you don't want the resistance but rip-off pants are great because in that case he's like they won't recognize me even though i still have this haircut in this face yeah as soon as i rip these off the description doesn't say his cocks out no that's right new pants new man so break away as ripoff pants as pax calls them are really you know you see them in like basketball all the time still to this day the game it feels very 90s too it is very 90s but the game is about ready to

start let's rip these things off so what if that for him was his thing of like this chase is now ready to start do you know what i want to do i want to go to a pickup basketball game and just have regular pants on and just force rip them off but not take your shoes off and not take your shoes off and rip regular serious who brought this guy to the game? All right. But not have basketball shorts underneath. No, no, no, no, no, no. Just underwear. Yeah.

Who's covering him? And everyone's like, you got him. Not that crazy guy. We're not doing man to man. We're going to do a zone. That's flagrant. That's flagrant. A suspect lost his pants while he was being chased by Florida police,

but kept the manhunt up for hours longer, completely in the nude. Oh, my God. He must have started no shirt. He must have started no shirt. He was down with no underwear. Or he lost the pants and was like, I'm not going to Winnie Pooh this. So then he just went.

Police responded to a home in Brantford on July 2nd to a residence where Jesse Lamb of Gainesville was reportedly refusing to leave, according to Suwanee. So Gainesville is where the University of Florida is. So it's a big sort of college town. It's also where Tom Petty's from. Yeah.

Tom Petty. When I think Florida, I think people on those boats with the big propellers on the back, like looking at fan boats. Yeah. Great Louisiana. The Everglades. You're thinking of the Everglades. Thinking about the Everglades.

So like a friend, God, a friend of ours. That's your swamp life a friend of ours who is a reporter for uh the boston globe and then has now gone on to like make a bunch of really interesting documentary films a friend of ours we went to college with he did a documentary film about the society of people who are on those huge fan boats who live in the everglades and how like they can just do whatever they want back there because cops will not go yeah they just won't go back in that area because they're like you will get shot and killed and then you will just disappear yeah right because they know how to like just disappear and feed you to the

alligators and that's it yeah swamp is the best place to light a body let's do it after the show and we've got two we've got two shows at the swampamp on Friday. We'll be at the Swamp. No. Guaranteed there's a club called the Swamp. Jesse Lamb, or at least an alt music venue of Gainesville, was reportedly refusing to leave the house, according to the Suwannee County Sheriff's Office. While cops were on their way,

they learned that Lamb had an active warrant out for failing to appear in court in 2021 for driving with a suspended license. Okay, so it starts with that. When cops arrived at the residence they spotted lamb sprinting out the back door that's a compliment from the back of the residence toward the suini river in nothing but a pair of shorts deputies chased him until he jumped in the river and began swimming towards a floating dock which he hid under so under the dock also as you know and i you i know you know any body of water in florida has alligators right all of them it's dangerous i don't care if you're

driving by the side of the road and there's like a little i don't know just like a drainage ditch yes alligator in there just assume there is one in there if you if you if you go into your bath at your house yes there's an alligator you look. You have a tall glass of water on the table. There's an alligator. There's a full-sized alligator in there. An adult. Your pet's dish. Your pet's drinking dish.

Just be careful. Everybody in your bath. He hid under the dock. Officers demanded that Lamb come out. I love that you think a guy wearing one article of clothing who swam into alligator water and in under a dock is going to listen to this phone? Sir, get out! And he's going to respond to that? We have demands. He's like, so do I.

Sir, we can see you under the dock. Oh, I can see you too, asshole. Come get me. Officers demanded that Lamb come out from below the dock. He did, but swam away again. That's sort of a prank, right? That's kind of a prank. Okay, I'm out. I'm out. And I'm gone. Kind of a good gag, right. It's a great gag.

Dan, do you think he swam with the current? Swimming away again is like three sport athlete. How athletic is this guy? This is like a criminal triathlon. He ran a little. He swam a little. Got on a bike. That's Michael Phelps.

Jesse told deputies that he was surrendering the michael phelps of meth yes right oh this sheriff's office anytime they can throw in shade that's like accurate but also like back off sure right this is a quote from the sheriff's office jesse jesse told deputies he was surrendering but we already know jesse's not a man of his word since he promised to show up in court in 2021 all right that's now you're like a scorned lover. Yeah, exactly. You're going to bring that up. He said he's going to surrender, but we all know what that means. You're going to bring that up?

Yeah. As he swam away, Lamb lost his shorts and, quote, was now skinny dipping as he headed towards another dock and hid below it. Swam out of his shorts. He's the Goldilocks of docks. Goldie Docks. Goldie Docks. Just right.

Goldie Docks is what his name is. For the next couple of hours, police played hide and seek with Jesse. Look it. He probably never had a dad. Okay. And this is his. Yes. Engage with someone to play with. He's just trying to connect with another male figure. With an older male figure. Mentors. Be my father

figure. Play hide and seek with me. He played hide and seek with Jesse. His head would suddenly appear from below the dock only to disappear again. This guy sounds cute. He does, right? He sounds adorable. He's just adorable. This is when you know that too much of the neighborhood is involved because the cops

aren't getting it done. Police said a neighbor then stuck an underwater camera below the dock. That's like some neighbor who's been waiting. He has a drone, and he has an underwater camera, and he's been waiting. I got it. I got it. No, he's like, no one says anything drone and he has an underwater camera and he's been waiting. I got it. I got it. He's like, no one says anything and he pops his head out. He's like, someone said they need surveillance.

Shut up. Shut up, Susan. I've got this. They need me. Someone needs me. I know. You know he said back to his wife and you didn't want me to buy Oh, you said the underwater camera was a bad person. You didn't want me to buy the underwater camera. I'm just like

It's coming to use now. I'm probably gonna get a goddamn medal for this. They might make me a deputy. Right. You know what, Susan? I am gonna buy those bush cameras. Why? You know what this camera can't see? You and my future, Susan. Unless you're

underwater. You want me to get both of them i got two so they can't the neighbor sticks an underwater camera below the dock confirming he's still under there which is also somebody he's still there he's still under there and you could hold a stick with a mirror at the bottom of it and he's still there he's still there eventually made a break and made a beeline for the other side of the river but was captured in his birthday suit by a deputy with the assistance of the dock owner now this guy's helping out he's like i'll help you out in the dock owners please do not help out he was transported to the suwanee county jail he's charged with resisting arrest without violence to without violence and failure to appear oh my god

i will ask you guys now how old is jesse lamb this is just to confirm this is naked guy naked guy naked swimming naked swimming under the dark you know what i'm gonna i'm i'm gonna zag and i'm gonna go 59 i think i what i get i get the vibe that he's like one of those weird like weirdly strong old guys you know when you come across a weirdly strong guy and you're like you've done some could be too he's not going he doesn't want to go back to jail right doesn't want to go back to exactly doesn't want to go back to it's he's the type of guy where you go what do you do for a living and he goes import export right no that's like what does that mean import import import import he's like i do import import shouldn't there be an export part of that how do you make

money the second one's important import import that's funny both of your things are important and this is a very key element about this guy very leathery skin oh yes like so peeled back and leathery totally like he's never put on even just a the tiniest drop of sunscreen. Never, never. I think he's 37. 37. 37. So still good. I like the 59 logic.

But still good water treading age. Exactly right. This could be a guy who wants to be arrested. Like he's like, I don't like my wife. I don't like my situation. He's got a house. Guys down in jail. They don't bother me all the time to do all these chores.

He's got a house. It's not a thousand square meters. But it's got a house. It's not a thousand square meters. But it's still a house. It's not. I'm going to say. It's not in the central Auckland suburb. 37. 26.

26. Whoa. We're all over the map. I love that we're all over the map. That lends it to the running. Yeah, the running. I'm running and swimming. Jesse Lamb, get your answers in now, Tynes, wherever you may be.

And then we'll go on to story number three. Plus, you'll get to hear my plugs when we come back from the break about my special 11-11. All right, ready? Jesse Lamb is 59 years old. Look how leathery he is! He's so leathery! Pax, you were so dead on. Like, if you told me that guy was 35 too, I'd believe it.

He's still a bit of an ass kicker. God, man. You don't do that kind of shit unless you're getting to the back end of your life. You just don't care anymore. I love that you got it right. Look at this. It's what a universal show this show is. Florida also sounds like a fun place.

I mean, it does if you're trying to evade people A lot of activities Jay what do we got a little taste of what story three is Don't ignore People's texts That's a good thing to know Good information to have That's literally my favorite thing to have Feels good but there are consequences

Pack Society is with us and we'll be right back with Dumb People Town We'll find out what Dan's got going on right after this look guys whatever your fitness level is or what your goals are fit bod love these guys they build a dynamic workout plan for just for you and it optimizes future workouts based on your personal progress. Yeah. I'm using it. I love it. Also, you know what?

It's great. You tell them what you, you can like put in the equipment you have. Like I have resistance bands and then you can get all of these movements or exercises that maximize what you have. And that for me is awesome because like when I went up to my cabin, I used it. Yes.

Because it's so, you can get into these scenarios where even if you want to like be active, you're like on YouTube links, trying to find like what somebody did and how they moved and how do I use this? What band is right for this sort of movement? Everything is right into the FitBot app for like where you're at, what you have and what you want to do.

It's sort of like we used to print map quest out and then we got google maps that's right uh and then now you we used to like kind of you know jot down stuff that people would say or we would read or whatever it's all in the fitbot app which is so easy to use and it takes the excuse out of not being like it's too hard for me to get into this right now it makes it easy so they even have for me, which I love is workouts that, that have no equipment. It's just you and your body weight and just using different workouts for you and your body,

which just to me, I think is for us, I don't want to get injured. It helps you in those ways. And to me, super easy to follow. And then it tracks your progress progress. So that keeps you wanting to come back and do it.

It's personal vets and stuff like that you can get all your charts uh actually they have new movements that you can do the right way with over 1400 exercise demonstration videos guys wherever you are in your fitness journey like randy said up top get the most out of every workout with fit bod you can get 20 off to zero off your subscription at fitbod.me slash dpt that's f-i-t-b-o-d dot m-e slash d-p-t we all need to get in shape do it with fit pod stick around look us down there's more don't people tell hey guys welcome back to the show before jay takes us home and we uh do a little more fun stuff with pax uh daniel tell us what's going on for you. Guys, you can see me at the High Plains Comedy Festival in September. I think that's around the 20th, 21st.

That is a great festival. Oh, it's the best. Just such a great hang. And then October 20th, I'm headlining Yuck Fest in Boston. And I am shooting my special, recording my album. It's all happening at the same time. Two shows, 11-11 at the Lincoln Lodge. Tickets are available right now.

Let's sell both of them out. Dan, speaking of Boston, is your story of the guy backing the car into the spot in Boston in this special? Tell it all. I'm not telling you. I'm just saying this is one of my favorite comedy bits. It's a wonderful story.

It's a brilliant, beautiful bit. What about the bit where you karate kick a small elderly woman in the chest? First of all, she dared me. Okay. Second of all. She double-deered you. I know she double-deered you.

If someone could tell that story and make it funny, wouldn't that just be the best? Wouldn't that be the greatest story ever? Because if it were any of us, we would start by saying, okay, this is a story where I kick an elderly woman in the chest. And by the end of the story, you're going to be on my side. You were right. That would be the best premise to start, you're going to be like, you were right. That would be the best premise to like start.

Her name is Marjorie Taylor Greene. I have a story where I punch a 12 year old and I'm trying to figure out how to. We'll help you with that. Oh my God. I'll do that. So yeah, 1111, the Lincoln Lodge,

everything's at danielvankirk.com. So a bunch of whole other good things as well. I hope to see you. Great. All right. Go, go to it. This is sent in by to see you there. Go to it. This is sent in by at Derek Shipley. Derek Shipley.

He's a regular. He's such a good dude. He's such a good dude. And here we go. Here's that line. Angry woman accused of damaging BMW after man ignores her texts. I will say when I text somebody and they have red receipts on,

I think they are so mature. Like, I'm like, wow. You're letting everyone know you read this because you know you're going to write back right away. Yeah. Or you're crazy. Yes. And you don't care that people have read it and haven't gotten it.

Or you want them to know you're not going to respond. Or you want them to know they've got it. I just wish I had that confidence to know that i'll always write back right away oh it's insane so you you if you read it you gotta you gotta write back i imagine if they have red receipts on don't you think that they you only put on red receipts if you if you know you're gonna get back to one of i just i the joy i get from reading a text and they're not responding is i'm the type of person power i'm the type of person who likes to so like you know when you're in a busy parking lot and people are like circling they're trying to look for a car park i like to get in my car and turn my car on so my back lights

go on so everyone thinks i'm leaving and then i just don't leave and then you just and then you just scroll through and then i just and then i just go and then i pick up and i put my phone to my ear as if i'm on a call i'm not on on a call. Never. And now there's 13 people waiting. Fighting. Hoping that I'm. There's two people honking at each other because this guy thinks it's her space and this woman thinks it's her space. Yeah.

And you're just crying. And while that's happening, I'm reading texts and not responding in a powerful way. All right, bring it down, Jay. I don't know, man. I'm a sicko like that. I love that. I love that. Angry woman was arrested after damaging a rented BMW.

Oh, boy. Oh, no. It's a rental. It's a rental. If she paid an extra 11 bucks, after damaging a rented BMW. Oh, boy. Oh, no. It's a rental. It's a rental. If she paid an extra 11 bucks, she's fine. We got the insurance. After a man ignored her texts and calls. She bumped it up to calls.

Take a hint. And calls. And calls. Catch the net. A Eustis police officer was dispatched Thursday afternoon in the 300 block of West Woodward Avenue to investigate a report of a damaged vehicle. When the officer arrived at the scene, he found a man in the driver's seat of a late model BMW.

What does a late model mean? Late model means it's older, older, older. Like 1990. Okay. What is this? 96 3 Series. It's not good. The officer saw.

Six line in a cylinder. Right. So the man sitting in the driver's seat, the officer saw that the man was covered in glass shards Which appeared to be from the driver's side So she busted the window and he just sat there In the shards He's like oh I'm waiting for the cops No that's his dedication to ignoring her

Right Even that You're not getting a response Do you hear me? Do you hear me? He's like, you're not getting a response from me. You're getting no response. Do you hear me? Do you hear me? He's covering me in glass shards. He's just like. The officer said to the man, covering glass shards,

there was blood visible on the door and side window. The officer also noted in his report that the windshield in the front of the steering wheel, it looked like it had been punched all the way through. Oh, my God. Oh, so the blood was her blood. Maybe. Thank you.

The victim told the officer that how old Janelle Macias. Janelle Macias. Macias, 34. I'll go Walter Payne. Sounds like a trumpet player. 34. What age is somebody so pissed off and crazy? 34, Dan?

I'm going to go 42. 42. I'm going to go 49. Her eggs are frozen and she's beaten ass. 49. She's just, this is it. 49. This is her last stab at a relationship.

Last punch at a relationship. For this thing. Get your answers in. Janelle Macias is 26 years old. Wow. Okay. She's stupid. She'd come to his workplace and was angry that she came to his work.

That's already a bad move. Yeah. She came to his work. That's already a bad move. Yeah. She came to his work. A lot of red flags. She was angry that he had not answered the texts or calls she had made to him. She said that he said that she jumped on his back. Oh, my God. Oh, no.

This is red flags. He's like, you've been on my back for the last six weeks. Now we're just making it official. And he was on the east side of the building and then he was able to throw her off him. Make it funny, Dan. Then he got into his rented what year BMW. Okay, so we did try to de-escalate the situation.

So to a woman who's been ignored, his idea to de-escalate is to get into a car and ignore her. And stay. And stay. What year is this car? It's a late model. I'll say 2017. I'm going to do 2004. That's so good. 2009.

Late model they consider 2020. Wow. It's not even that little. If it's still rented, it can't be more than two years old. But I thought maybe it was a Turo situation. So he locked, he locked himself in the car just to ignore her more. Right. Which surrounded by windows. Right.

And he saw Macias run to the back of the BMW and take the license plate off. Has she done this before? Oh, she's calculating. She knows what she's doing. Take the license plate off and now start whipping that thing in there. He retrieved the plate from her car and got back into the BMW. So she takes the license plate like I'm taking this as yours. You'll have to talk to me now.

He said fine. He goes to her car, gets the license plate. Probably says nothing to her the entire time. She probably said that counted as a date. Wait, who's sending? The girl's not sending this in, right? No. The guy is.

Oh, I'm sure it's the police. The police. Oh, okay. This is their. Oh, none of the people involved are sending this in right no no the guy is oh i'm sure it's just the police okay this is their none oh none of the people involved are sending this no but there are stories they see and then they send it to us at daniel van kirk at sclar brothers hashtag dumb people's home no for a second i thought this crazy lady was sending it in no my god am i being in our patreon people will send dumb stories of their own life. Am I wrong to rip the license plate off? Was I being weird to rip the license plate off? It was too far.

Right. She had, okay. He was ignoring me. He retrieved the plate from her car, got back into the BMW, rolled up his side window. Macy's had thrown her cell phone at him, which he tossed out. Anybody who throws a phone. Which he tossed out of the passenger side window before locking all the doors. Okay, good.

He hadn't locked them already? No. Macias jumped on the hood of the car. This is when you drive away. And punched the windshield and ripped off the wiper arms from the BMW, which he had rented from Enterprise because his personal car was being repaired.

He told the officer that the blood came from her hands you were absolutely right yeah when she cut them while attacking the bmw macy's was interviewed by officers and said that she had been tackled by the victim but could not explain how that happened nor could she explain her bloody hands and the blood found in the damage windows all she could explain is that they're in love. And he's not texting me. And my boyfriend over there. Not her boyfriend. Not her boyfriend. Not her boyfriend.

Check your texts. I sent you two emojis, including an eggplant. Look what you're saved as in my phone. I don't control that. I don't. You're saved as the one in my phone. You need to know that. All right.

Macias was placed under arrest for criminal mischief and domestic battery. Criminal mischief? Criminal mischief. That's a great one. What aischief. That's a great one. What a cute charge. That's a cute charge. The cutest of all charges. She was booked at Lake County Jail

and released after posting how much bond? We'll get out of here on this. How much money did she get? In American dollars. $5,000. $5,000. I'd say $10,000. $10,000.

There's a lot of damage. I'm going to go with $25,000. $25,000. Okay. i may have led you down the wrong path she was released after posting two thousand dollars that's not bad dan you were right she's out and ready to reconnect with this very special person in her life i want to know how classically beautiful she is i wish there was a photo the hotter someone is the more you'll allow the man or woman the man or woman yes the more you'll allow not after a certain point in your life when you're young yeah yeah punching through a windshield then and what did she think was

gonna happen i'm gonna punch this windshield and get him back i keep be like this is it it's blind rage it's a person who can't process their emotions or reactions. That's it. I had a girl in high school paint me and her in a portrait of us naked hugging after having one conversation with her. What? How long have you guys been together? We are married. She's the mother of my children. And I love her according to her.

And I love her. And you look right in the camera. And I love her according to her. And I love her. And you look right in the camera. And I love her. No, I dated is a strong word, but I interacted with her intimately for like six months, which is too long. Yeah. It's way too long. After the painting? After the painting.

Post-painting. I owe her something. What was it painted on a red flag i mean come on you were young and stupid i was young you were high school but the thing is she was like the fourth hottest person in the school see do you know what i mean like when you get into those talented artists yeah and a beautiful heartfelt artist right she just used everything your brain isn't fully developed no it's not fully developed i'm also a skinny like half pakistani half iranian kid who's like white

girls are never attracted to wait so this is a white girl she's like here we go okay i'm not talking about fourth hottest ethnic girl no i'm talking fourth hottest overall that it all counts in the same pool you guys have to say that. You're doing it for both Pakistan and Iran. I'm doing it for my people. You're doing it for two sets of people. This is essentially your ending of Rocky IV. Yeah. If I can change, if you can change.

A lot of people together. But it was also my ending of Get Out. Sure. That was her way of saying Get Out. Let me show you this painting. Let me show you this painting. Yeah, because now you would look at a painting. Even if a fan gave that to you, you'd go, wow, I do saying, get out. Let me show you this painting. Yeah, because now you would look at a painting.

Even if a fan gave that to you, you'd go, wow. I do need to get going. Yeah, 100%. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I had a guy give me a basketball jersey. And he'd stitched on my name onto the basketball jersey and stitched on a fake basketball team. And he was wearing the jersey at the show. And he was like, we're on the same team now, man.

You're like, well, security. Jesus Christ. He jesus like i just want to wear your skin for an hour you're like oh my god how long did you date that guy that is the mother of you're like he was the second hottest guy at the show and he was a white dude he was a white dude he wasn't even the hottest white guy at your show uh speaking of shows that was speaking of shows was a white dude. He wasn't even an ethnic guy. The hottest white guy at your show. Speaking of shows, that was a great one. Speaking of shows, that was a great show. Pack Society, you are a friend of the show now. You're our friend now. That's just it.

We go to New Zealand. We're hanging out. Yeah, come over. And anytime you come back. I've got 1,000 square meters. Hang out. You've said that. And for all of our fans listening and watching at home, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work.

Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Don't People Town. listening and watching at home oh we got to get back to work