Dumb People Town - Pete Holmes - Frightened Farmer

Episode Date: February 20, 2018

This week, comedian Pete Holmes (Crashing, You Made It Weird) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a man’s own sword is used against him. Then, they talk about season 2 of Pete’s show Crashing, before getting in Story ...

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry Downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town. Dumb People Town. That's a good echo. Population you. Population Holmes. Weirdo. We're coming, Mama. We're coming, Holmes.

That's it. Pete Holmes, our very, very good friend who we've known and loved for a long time. It's a shame that he is quitting comedy after this show. Tonight, he is announcing his retirement. Things just didn't work out for him. I will say that every time I drive by a billboard for your show, I get happy. I get excited.

You guys, ground floor supporters. From the beginning. From performing with you at Comics in New York. That makes me sound like a jerk if I go, you were on the ground floor. No, he came in. I don't think so. Yeah, no.

You were there. But way before the pouches that people were eating. By the way, a friend of ours, a really funny friend of mine, Kirker Butler, phenomenal writer, tremendous writer. I was at a Super Bowl party with him, and he said, how cool would it be if Tide did a Don't Eat the Tide Pods commercial during the Super Bowl? They had an awareness about themselves. They made a funny, hey, Don't Eat the Tide Pods commercial during the Super Bowl. They had an awareness about themselves.

They made a funny, hey, don't eat the Tide Pods commercial. I feel like that'd be, I'm like, if that happened, I'm like, I'm Tide all the way. Or just fill the Tide Pods with edible stuff. Every third Tide Pod is ranch.

Ranch. You gotta find out. Why were people eating them? Because it supposedly got you high. It got you high. Oh, it got you high. Did it get you Because Because it supposedly got you high It got you high Because kids are stupid Did it get you high? Because people are stupid It got you dead

Well I love that you asked that question Did it kill you? No but By the way This is relevant This is so relevant This is so relevant And we'll get to

Your wonderful HBO show Crashing And all your wonderful things That you're doing later That's what it's called Crashing Come on Dan Dan Van Kirk

You have a computer. You could have Googled it quietly. I know, but I wanted it to come to me, old school. There we go. That's got it. So, no, but you talk about eating Tide Pods. That's just stupid behavior, and this show is called Dumb People Town, and we believe, Jason and I and Dan, the three of us have this idea that the world is getting dumber.

Dumber. Or dumber is getting louder. Or dumb and smarter fighting and dumb stronger. Right. And winning. Or dumber is getting louder. Or dumb and smart are fighting and dumb's stronger and winning. Right, right. It's got like dumb strength. Brute strength. Dumb strength.

Like if it were a Jean-Claude Van Damme fight, like smart just had sand thrown in its eyes and smart is like, what, what, what, what? And dumb's like, yeah, come on. Dumb takes a roundhouse kick to the face. Hopefully.

We're waiting for that part. And so we have our wonderful dumb townies, and they're not dumb, they're actually very smart, but our townies who are part of Dumb People Town send us the stories and Dan gets them. We have not heard them. And we're going to jump into one right away because we have one of my favorite things to do is riff with Pete Holmes, and he is here, and let's

go do this. Let's do it. This was sent in by Chris Frayn. Is this Chris Frayn, you? At Len underscore cicada. Two Ns in Len. So Len Cicada was, you talk about my mustache looking in, you'll see the picture. Like an old baseball player.

Len Cicada played, I believe, with, he was like, I want to say a catcher, but he played with the Mets in the early 80s. I called him Len Cicada. Len Cicada? When the cicadas come. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they make those noises. You called them Len Cicada. Len Cicada? When the cicadas come and they make those noises. You can hear them hitting small baseballs. Tiny baseballs in the trees.

Tiny foul balls happening. It's funny. Can you do the sound? Like, we'd all know it if we heard it. Oh! Oh, my God! Thank you, Pete. I thought for sure I was going to be like, this is one of those things.

You only know it if you hear it. You guys did it. I mean, that to me, for some reason, felt like home. You know, like that's a summer in St. Louis, Missouri. Oh my God. You hear that. The next thing you hear is when ice kind of melts a little bit in the pitcher of lemonade. Oh yeah.

And so it kind of stirs itself. There's like a softening. Yeah. It's so good. What a specific idea. Right, the cube hits the side glass of the pitcher. The condensation rolls down. The sun catches it just for a perfect moment.

It's so cinematic. All right, cicada. My kids, by the way, are into doing lemonade stands all the time now. And I'm like, you can't do it that often. It's essentially begging my neighbors for money. It's shaking down the people that you know for money. Well, you have to restrict the market.

You need to teach them. Hold it out. I thought you were a new business. I quit economics. I quit economics to become a comedian. Tell them, like diamonds, diamonds are not rare or valuable. You withhold the lemonade, then you flood the market, then you withhold, then you flood, then you withhold.

De Beers. That's right. I'm going to read you guys the headline to this, and then we'll get into it, just because the headline's perfect. Sword-carrying man stripped of blade and attacked with own weapon. He's his own problem. He brought

the issue. But isn't this the fear of having a weapon in your own house i'm sure sure do you have a bat in your house or do you have a knife in your house what do you have in case we have a i'm gonna tell you tell us we have a taser that shoots like a gun really wow wow a taser all right i saw it in dark no the first batman and i was like i want one of those and it turns out you can just buy one online. If you give them cash. But you have to shoot somebody someday. And as they writhe on the ground, they ask you where you got that.

Where did you get those toys? No, that's it. Where did you get those guns? Wonderful toys. I said toys no it was Batman Begins Batman Begins

yeah but yeah I couldn't start that movie for some reason I couldn't shoot have you ever shot a gun no oh yes we have

we have shot a gun the first time I shot a gun at a range I was like never could I I couldn't point that at a squirrel

we shot one of those skeet shooting skeet shooting in Colorado. Like a shotgun? Like a pump action. Like a pump action rifle. And just like one shot.

Did you go flying? I didn't. It went back into my shoulder and I was super sore. Definitely you went back a little bit, but it was fun to kind of shoot clay pigeons and stuff. Oh, you shot at targets? Yeah. Well, it was fun. And they were like launched in the air.

When you hit one, you felt good. Launch. Pull. Pull. Pull. Not you shooting cicadas, babe. I am not shooting. I couldn't shoot somebody.

For breaking into my house? I don't think I could either. You just. I think when you. They were coming after my family, though. Yeah. I don't know. Well, do dads get guns?

Do you guys have guns? I have a baseball bat. When we went and performed. But it's loaded. The baseball bat is loaded. The baseball bat is loaded. Safety's in. Safety's in. Now we're back

to my Madeline mustache. No, but the, did you ever perform at the Louisville Improv? Ever? There. I've been to Louisville. Okay, so Louisville Improv.

But not the Improv. They, there's the Louisville Slugger Museum, which is one of my favorite museums in the country, and they show you how they make the bats for all the players and stuff.

You can go downstairs in the basement and they have cages and you can swing make the bats for all the players and stuff. You can go downstairs in the basement and they have cages and you can swing with the bat, like Derek Jeter's bat. Right? And so you play catch with your dad. It's wonderful. So they gave us a bat as like a nice little gift.

They did? Yeah. And you're going to use it to bludgeon your foes? It's right in my opening, you know, so if anybody tries to bring it over. Well, the bat though, bringing it back to the story, the bat is,

someone's taken that bat. Right. You know what I mean? The gun at least, maybe you have a chance even if you stink. So this guy had a sword. He had a sword. The headline's a little confusing

because it's a man with a sword. Sword carrying man. Sword carrying man. He's only carrying the sword for the beginning. That's right. I once carry, I once sword carry,

I once. Stripped of blade, which makes it sound like some sort of military ceremony. Yes's right. I once carry a once sword carry a once stripped of blade which makes it sound like some sort of like military ceremony. Yes. Stripped of blade. Unless he was holding

like a DVD of the movie Blade. Yes. Stripped of blade. Well wait to you. And the third line is what? An attacked

with own weapon. An attacked with own weapon. The headline should be man attacked with his own sword. Yeah you're right. Man attacked with own sword. I think they had a. The headline should be man attacked with his own sword. Yeah, you're right. Man attacked with own sword. I think they had a word count they were trying to find.

We've got to get people reading. The victim, who police say was cut by a samurai sword wielding man in Boulder, I believe. Colorado? Was injured with his own weapon. And previously, the guy who owned the sword, previously he had been arrested, this is what I love, while practicing with the blade outside a hotel last month. He's doing a demo out in front of a goddamn cozy restaurant. Why do I imagine that he's married?

Honey, I'm just going to go practice my sword, the samurai sword stuff. Don't go by the hotel. Do not go by the hotel. They don't want you in front of the Ritz Carlton. It's a free country. The guy checking in He's like Breakfast is from

Six to nine Uh huh Uh huh What's your policy On recreational activities Like what do you mean It's a free country We have like a

Shuffle board No no no We have games I brought my own Yeah if I brought my own If you brought your own Your own game Like your own board game

Sir do you want me to Take this sword up to your room Or are you Actually I'm gonna You're gonna hang on to it Okay Just take the bags up though I room? Actually, I'm going to... You're going to hang on to it? Oh, yeah. Okay. Just take the bags up, though.

I'm going to be out front because it's sunset. Okay. This is the best time to swing my blade. The reservation's under Highlander. That's right. It should be only one. That's perfect. Pete Holmes.

Pete Holmes. On fire. F on the get-go. T-W. Cody, spot. He doesn't want two queen meds. It should be only one. And not a king.

Cody Scott Parker faces a first degree assault charge and a woman in his company. Which means somebody's like, I am not his girlfriend. That's when we broke up. Unless he's the CEO of a small company and she works in accounting. Sure. She definitely, as the cops were questioning her, used the phrase, not anymore. Exactly. Anita Urban, that's the woman who's with Cody Scott Parker.

To me, sounds like a character. Anita Urban. That's when the cop goes, look, you don't have to tell me your name, but don't give me a fake name. No, to me, that is like a drag queen. Anita Urban. Who's like a black woman. Yeah, of course. Nobody was picturing a Korean woman.

When they went, ladies and gentlemen, Anita Urban. No, but it's like the worst, it's the worst drag. No, it's Anita Urban, who is a black woman who dresses like Keith Urban. But when you look at Keith Urban, he himself looks like a woman, so it just looks like they're doing a bad job doing drag. I would also offer it sounds like Tom Selleck goes undercover as a black woman,

or he goes through some sort of process that was out of his control, and he looks at himself and he's like, oh no, I can't blow my cover. And someone goes, what's your name? And he goes, Anita. And they're like, what's your last name? And he's like, Urban. Racist. Is it?

I don't know. Urban? In our world, Urban means black. Urban comedy. Yeah, that's true. Anita Urban, she faces a conspiracy charge after police say Parker, that's Cody Scott, CSP. CSP.

Police say Parker cut Christopher DeSalle on his hand. According to the arrest affidavit, DeSalle told police he was walking on the 1400 block of Canyon Boulevard around 3.30 p.m. Wednesday. 3.30 in the p.m. 3.30 in the p.m. When shit goes down. So a lot of alcohol is involved. The witching hour. Can we just say, without you even reading the rest, we know what happened.

This Cody, see? Yep, C.S.P see? Yep, CSP. CSP is not swooshing and swiping at this man. He's kind of like goading. I bet it's a goad. And then the guy is taking it with his hand. And he's going like, get this out of my, like calling his bluff. And then he pulled back.

And sliced him on the hand. You are on point for dumb people, Tom. He just knows. That is so good. I know my people. DeSalle, Christopher DeSalle, was walking on the 1400 block around 3.30 p.m. Wednesday with his katana-style sword strapped to his back the way officers had instructed him to carry the blade legally after his arrest in January.

Wow. So they were like, you have to carry it on your back. But I can't strap it to my shell? No. But what if I wear this bandana? No. Whoa, check out this move. He's out of arguments and he just says, check out this move.

The moves are fine. You can do the moves. The move is great. The move is actually great. But you have to put it on. I want ice cream on my pizza! That's up to you. You're an adult. I was taught how to use it by a rat. Easy, Michelangelo. That's great.

Easy. But just put it on your back. Why is he breathing so hard? He's really breathing. That was the blade going through the air. And then in the background, he heard. In that case, DeSalle. How are bugs doing that?

I can barely do that. The wings. In that case, DeSalle. Rubbing their legs together? I can barely do that. The wings. In that case, DeSalle... Rubbing their legs together. DeSalle is facing a charge of carrying a concealed weapon. That's when they taught him how to carry his sword properly. Plus, he was also carrying knives at the time. So I'm going to show you a picture of Christopher DeSalle.

Definitely boot knives. There he is. Yeah, by the way, and he has a look on his face like, excuse me? Right. Here's the thing. Where is this, by the way? This is in Boulder, Colorado. Boulder, Colorado.

Because I was walking down the street right here in Los Angeles and saw a guy who had the trench coat and the sword-like blade coming out of the middle of his trench coat. And I was like, do you call the cops? Yeah. Some of those are umbrellas. No. Are they really? Yes.

Yes. Like a sword. They make them look like swords. Samurai sword, but it's really an umbrella. Yes. And what better place to use an umbrella than in Los Angeles? I agree. Yesterday.

Yesterday. Cody Scott Parker, here's your winner, guys. Oh, no. So it looks like- I'd cross the street if that guy's walking towards me. They both look like different people who've waited on me at a Verizon store. That dude's never going to walk towards you. He's going to stalk towards you.

That's right. He's going to move. you. That's right. He's going to move. It is too long of a step. So Cody Scott Parker is not holding the samurai sword. No, DeSalle. It's Chris DeSalle's Parker. Chris DeSalle told police he felt someone tugging on the sword and turned around to find Parker had pulled it away from him.

He's not good with his own sword. Yeah, that's right. Somebody tugging on your sword? DeSalle said Parker told him, you got my, mute for the kids, you got my fucking old lady jumped, and then said, I'll fucking kill you. This is what Cody Scott Parker told him.

Now, I'm not in favor of this, but... Oh, wait, you got her jumped, like you're scaring my girl? I guess, I don't know. He was like, pardon me, sir, your blade is frightening my lady, and I will disarm you. I think they have some sort of previous incident between the two of them.

She definitely, again, in the fray said, I'm not that old. She's trying to kind of wait a minute. She's going to come out on top in this one.

According to Urban? According to the affidavit, Christopher DeSalle said that Cody Scott Parker then stepped towards him and hit him with the sword in the upper thigh, but the blade only caught

on his clothing. Yeah. Not a good blade. That sounds right. And not a good swing, by the way. Not a great swing. Right.

But had it been a great swing, would we be making fun of this story right now? Probably not. Because he'd have no leg below the knee. Yeah, also, yeah, that's true,

but he brought a sword to his own sword victimization. Yeah, exactly. So kind of part of me is like, live by the public sword. DeSalle said he kept stepping back, but Parker followed him. Parker then raised the sword, and here we go, Pete Holmes. Christopher DeSalle tried to catch it, according to the affidavit, resulting in a large gash.

You gotta clap it. You can't one-hand it. You gotta clap it. Clap it. Clap it and then turn away. Like rotate with the clap to the side. That's how you want to go. Or you know what?

Cut your losses. And run. And run. Be like, you now have the sword. This is your sword. This is strangely how I got it. Pass it on to someone else. It's like a chain letter.

It's a chain letter. Christopher DeSalle told police that Parker started running after he cut DeSalle's hand. Parker started running and met up with a woman, later identified as Anita Urban, who told Parker, Baby, take the bike. Get out of here. To which Parker replied, Baby, it's not a bike, it's a chopper. I love how much he was joking. Get out of here.

I just saw that both those statements made it into a news article. Oh, she keeps going. Where's Zev? You ready? Zev's hand is cut, baby. Zev's hand is cut. Zev's hand is red. Listen to this.

This is what Anita told him. Baby, take the bike, get out of here. You did what I told you to do. So she is the mastermind of all. She is on top. Do what I told you to do. Anita Applebaum. You got to put me on, Anita Urbanbaum.

Anita Urbanbaum. You got to put me on. Anita Urban reportedly had gotten into an argument a few weeks ago with Christopher DeSalle's fiance that resulted in police being called. Christopher DeSalle told officers that Anita Urban made up a story that got his fiancée cited. I have no clue what that means. So this now goes deeper.

So these people know each other. There's a TV show called NBA Wives. There should be a TV show called Samurai Wives. Samurai Wives. And these guys should be in it. I believe that's how Westworld ended. Don't tell me. I haven't seen it yet. We gotta watch less TV.. And these guys should be in it. I believe that's how Westworld ended. Yeah. Don't tell me. I haven't seen it yet.

Come on. We gotta watch less TV. That riff has a mild spoiler in it. Not really. Not really. It's not a spoiler to you. Yeah. I want people who are in the know.

People who are for it. And if you already know, then you know. Then you know. People who are three episodes away, you're in trouble. We're gonna get out of here on this. If you're three episodes away from the end of Westworld right now You deserve to be spoiled Am I right? I agree

You've gone too long Okay, you guys ready? Yeah Because believe it or not We have video No Of Christopher DeSalle And Cody Scott Parker

Going at it No There it is Oh my god Whoa, whoa, he grabbed it Oh, he hit the hyphen Wow Look at these two

I'm going to post this up on the Facebook page. This is crazy. Did you get to the car yet where the car's like, I am out of here? Car backing up. There's a car that's just like. Oh, my God. Yeah. That's a Nissan commercial.

Yeah, that is. Nissan. Get out of here. When shit gets real. Just peel out. Just peel out. You know, I didn't even have to see it. Like, I knew.

You knew what it was. That's exactly what it was. It's kind of like a category of like homeless fight. Yes, it was a bum fight. You know, I didn't even have to see it. Like, I knew. You knew what it was. It's kind of like a category of, like, homeless fight. Yes, it was a bum fight. You know when you see, like, slow motion homeless fights? Yes. Where you, like, you know things are bad, but it's not that bad. Anytime, like, if someone takes out nunchucks and they're like, I'm going to fuck you up, nobody's going to die. Nobody's going to die, you know.

Like, they are wearing gloves. So it's the wintertime and it's in Colorado, they're wearing gloves. So he grabbed the thing with a glove on. So he thought, all right, I'm going to be fine. These gloves will... No, they don't. Nope. Not blade proof.

Nope. I'm going to ask you guys right now. They're now fingerless gloves. This is the final thing. It's what Andrew Dice Clay is wearing on stage. I have a funny story. I was in Boulder. 26. That's not a story, I was in Boulder. 26.

That's not a story, nor is it funny. 38. 26, 38, 35. Tell me whose age is who. Okay. Oh, I thought those were Anita's measurements. 20. All right, Pete Holmes, you are a guest.

You can go first, Tig, or third. Tig is in the middle of me and Jason. You can tell me, Cody Scott Parker, Christopher DeSalle, Anita Urban. Who is 26? Who is 38? Who is 35? You can go first, second, or third. I want to go first.

Okay. The woman is 26. Don't tell me until the end. I won't. No, they've got a guest, too. Okay. The woman is 26. Okay.

The guy who got his hand cut is the oldest. DeSalle. Okay. And the second oldest is the guy with the a guess too. Okay. The woman is 26. Okay. The guy who got his hand cut is the oldest. That's DeSalle. Okay. And the second oldest is the guy with the sword. 35. Okay. All right. So DeSalle's 38 and then the guy's 35.

Yep. I think the woman's 38. She's the mastermind of this one. Woo! Younger man. Anita! She's in her sexual prime. I think DeSalle is, the guy who got his hand cut is 35.

Okay. And I think the other guy is 20. Cody Scott Parker? Cody Scott Parker is 26. Oh my God. Yeah, because I think she's- Practically a teenage mutant ninja turtle. Literally.

Millennial mutant ninja turtle. She's robbing the cradle of sorts. I just want to stay in my shell and smear. No, dude. I just got to get on Tinder for one more minute. She is 36. Okay. Her old man.

There's no 36. You mean 35? 35. Her old man is 38. Cody Scott Parker. Cody Scott Parker. And agree with Randy that young Verizon store. Well, no, I disagree.

You think. He said Christopher DeSalle is 35. I think Christopher DeSalle is 35. So you're saying Cody Scott Parker is 26? Yes. Okay. Cody Scott Parker is 26. Okay.

And DeSalle is 38. Okay. And the woman's 36. Okay. Okay. And you said the woman was the youngest. Yeah, she's the baby. Okay, so now we have three different things.

I know we do. Oh, my God. All right, here we go. Ready? Yeah. When it comes to the sword-wielding man who had his sword taken from him... I'm excited. This is very exciting.

We've made meaning. Okay, so now, and everybody, this is the best part, Pete, is that everyone at home who is listening, or wherever they are in their office, they're screaming and they're logging their guesses. They're yelling at whatever device they're listening to it on. Let's hear it. Christopher DeSalle is 35 years old.

Oh! Christopher DeSalle is the one who got his hand cut. Cody Scott Parker. I was right. Cody Scott 35 years old. Oh! You're right. Cody Scott Parker. I was right. Cody Scott Parker, 26. Oh! Anita Urban is 38 years old. Oh! Wow.

My God. Anita! You nailed it. Oh my God. Because I was like, this woman, first of all, she kept on calling her new boyfriend baby, which he is 10 years younger than her. He is essentially a baby. Right.

And then she said, you did what I told you to do. You did what I told you to do. Yeah. She's got masterminds. She's got masterminds, too. And she's organizing this whole thing. I kind of love it. 38-year-old woman.

Story one, guys. Love it. This could be like the new... I mean, I know Tarantino's in the news now for forcing Uma Thurman to crash into a tree. He is? This could, yeah. You haven't seen that? No. You haven't heard that thing?

Oh my God, this is all this terrible video. We'll tell you that in the break. Yeah, we'll tell you in the break. But I mean, maybe this is Kill Bill part three and part four? Could this be it? Yeah, this could be it. She's the one who's causing these knife fights to happen.

Anita Urban is a name of a character in a Tarantino film though, correct? Yeah, I mean, doesn't that feel like that could be? Played by Lucy Liu.

Yes. All right, guys, story one down. Pete Holmes, the great Pete Holmes is with us. There's more Dumb People Town

right on the other side of this here break. DPT. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. We got Pete Holmes. If you have not listened to You Made It Weird,

I'm going to make you do that right now. Subscribe to that podcast. It is wonderful. It's fascinating. Yeah, if you want to cry on a plane, just listen to the June Diane Raphael episode and let it all out.

Oh, yeah. That happened to me flying to, I think, Madison. Oh, my God. Pete, we call that a hand holder, where I'm holding the guest's hand. Well, no, the best Pete is, there's a point in that episode where you go,

I don't know if I should touch you or not. Then you did hold her hand. It was so good. Because you don't know what to do. I know. We don't live in a hanky culture anymore. You hand people hankies, you light cigarettes.

We don't live in a hanky culture. You have to be like, can I hold your hand? That's what I love about you, Pete. Jumped right to hankies. Well, no, no. The way you turn a phrase. We were on stage at your show at Largo. you have to be like can I hold your hand that's what I love about you Pete you jumped right to hankies well no no but the way you turn a phrase we were on stage

at your show at Largo or we were standing backstage listening to you and you were talking about Tom Selleck being on a plane with Tom Selleck yeah and I think you were saying like

this is something we did I forgot what the phrase this is something that happened in a room with air yeah which is just we looked at Dave Rath and we were like

that's genius. That's the funniest phrase ever. Like the three of us. And then we all kind of had a moment of being that so funny. And then we waited for a second and then we all busted out laughing. But it was so fun to watch you work. I like reminding people that it was in reality. In reality.

We have them in a room with air in it. We were alive. That was the thing that let everybody know this is really. We were breathing. That was your pinch me moment. Well, again, I don't listen to a ton of other podcasts. Sometimes it's hard for me to. What do I work for you?

Right. You know what I mean? But. Hey, a new Savage Lovecast. What do I work for you? Exactly. But I listen to your. I know, me too.

But I listen to your podcast as a means of escape of lots of things. I listen to you on 1.5 speed. You do? Yes, and you're very quick. You can handle it. I can handle it. Wow. But it helps me get through the episode because your episode's a little longer.

People like the long, but yeah. I love the long. People love the long. But I'm telling you, one and a half speed is kind of amazing. One and a half sounds like somebody, you're grabbing a blade and then they pull it away. It sounds like you guys all did cocaine and then did the show.

And then did the show. We're like, we're getting into this. We're getting into this. I'm going to try that. It is a great thing. Obviously, watch the HBO show Crashing. So good. I have one Crashing question for you.

HBO's Crashers sitting here with Pat Helms. Pat Helms. We understand Crashers sitting here with Pat Helms. Pat Helms! We understand Crashers is on Showtime. So you guys just crash parties, right? It's like many Crashers. You guys are crashing it. No, but the... I want to ask, because it is so close to you,

and for you to be around current people who are doing what they're doing, but then have to jump back as a comedian to a time in your early development. Yeah. Is there like a moment on stage where you're like, it's got to be so surreal. And there's a moment on stage where like, okay, I know what I need to do to make this crowd laugh. And really you got to kind of play it to a different, I don't think people realize how

difficult that is because you, in your brain, you're here. You want to do it. You want to hit the baseball and you have to, you have to show, you have to take it to show how many times you swung and missed on the way to being able to,

there's a lot of bombing. And what's funny is your body and your brain have no idea. It's pretend, right? Cause there's 300 extras there and you're like, Oh, and like, we don't even tell them to not laugh.

I just kind of do badly yeah it's not it's easy to do badly but it hurts it is but no because your whole thing of so we went and did that show with you at largo and there is nothing in your body or brain saying i want to go up there and do badly yeah all you want to do is like give people the experience that they can have and have them walk out lighter than air, you know? And you're up there and you're doing badly and it's your show and they know it's your show. And even though I think they know it's in the script that my character is supposed to do badly,

they look at you differently. They do. You've lost them. You've lost them. I'll put it this way. Like my character is so low status, like Joy Behar was one of the guests and she was wonderful.

But like she rightly could sense that like I wasn't in charge because I was just like this meek, like thanks for doing the show. I think she thought I was a PA or something.

She didn't even really turn to me. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy. Tommy Davidson, when we opened up for him in Anchorage, Alaska

and he showed up 10 minutes after we got off stage. So there was just a 10-minute break that the audience didn't anticipate. We looked so low status that his manager came over to us. We said we'd like to meet Tommy. He's like, yeah, listen, Tommy need more ham on the ham plate. We were so low.

His manager thought we were the students at the University of Alaska who brought Tommy there. Toothpick in his mouth. Tommy's going to need more ham on the ham plate. I know we already have a ham plate, but we're going to need more ham on the ham plate. And I was like, who's that for? Is that for Tommy or is that for you? Because you have a ham plate feel. If I'm being honest, you feel ham plate to me.

Even though you are wearing an African-style hat. And you look like Jim Brown, the running back from the Hall of Fame. Now activist. Someone who probably eats like dirty dozen. Like a Muslim who wouldn't eat meat. Yeah, yeah. You look like you might not fuck with swine.

I'm all in my name. But the idea that like you have I don't think people understand how difficult that is. It was really, really painful. It's a way to lower status in this show

which you do so beautifully. I mean, just And then like Bill Burr would go up and kill. Right. And I'd be like, no, it really brought me back. Right.

It brings you back. we want to make a show about how hard it is to start in stand up and I get a lot of feedback from comics that are like oh you're doing it properly agreed because there have been a lot

oh thank you there are a lot of shows about stand ups but no show about what it's like to start so my character is always I joke it's called

crashing not flourishing yeah as soon as he starts flourishing it turns into a different show it becomes more like entourage you know which I don't know if you know anyone

that was on that. We knew a couple of people. Super fun show, but different show. This is about the struggle. And whenever anybody comes up to you who's like a new comic

or somebody who wants to do comedy and says, what do I need to do to do what you're doing? I immediately say, you need 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Do you have 10 years in your life that you're willing to invest? And that's what we want to make the show about. That's exactly what it's doing. We want to make the show about the 10 years. Most shows start at the end of those 10 years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have 10 years in your life that you're willing to invest? And that's what we want to make the show about. That's exactly what it's doing. We want to make the show

about the 10 years. Most shows start at the end of those 10 years. You want to show the way up and the mistakes that people make and the tiny bit of success you, you know,

I don't want to give anything away, but like you help write it. And even the success and how your friends hate you for it and they're dealing with that. Dealing with that

or even like getting, getting to hang out with the, with Bill Burr as your character in the thing, what that means when you get invited into the circle of someone that you... I'm telling my friend Henry Zabrowski who's on the show

that I'm hanging out with Bill Burr and how mad he is that I'm hanging out with Bill Burr. That is what it feels like to start in stand-up. It's like, Dimitri Martin talked to you? I have to remind myself that all the time. I reminded myself when I met you guys, obviously I still revere you,

but I was like, holy shit! Ring the bell! And I'm not saying I've demoted you. I've just, I've gotten used to having show business friends. We become friends. We become friends in that way. And most of our friends have done things, but when you're young and you meet you guys, huge deal.

It's so nice. Love, love, love. Love you too. And also, can I just say this? We were in New York for one day's so nice. Love, love, love, love you too. And well, so can I just say this? We were in New York for one day to shoot Dr. Oz, who was on your show. It was fantastic.

Yes. Dr. Oz. And he, we did just for this poop documentary of which you are amazing in, which had come. It's already out when this episode drops, it's out.

We want you guys to see it's called poop talk, but we were there. It drops. So we were there in New York and we flew in and landed at 11 at 11 30 got in our car went to the hotel and we're like let's go down to the cellar let's just go down the cellar i don't know if it's maybe we can get on stage i have no idea but let's just go down we go down it winds up that we couldn't get on stage because godfrey was just ending at that moment and it actually would not have been great for us to get up at that point after the show was over but who's standing up standing outside upstairs like just in the stairwell in the stairwell right above the

stairs that go down in the cellar but david tell now a tell for us for years and years and years someone that you know and still someone we look up to and love so much in that same way revere and he we just sat around and shot the shit with him and made each other laugh and hung out and even though we didn't go up and do a set that night and we've worked with him. You were still in comedy. We were in comedy. We were in show business that night, baby. We had a moment of hanging out at the cellar with a tell.

And to me, I was like, that's why we came down here. That's right. And that's what my character is trying to do. I would do that with no credits, no respect whatsoever. And that's what we're trying to show on the show. You're doing it. You're doing it. I'm saying it's like a really, it's a fucking high wire act and you're doing it on the show.

Can I tell you that a lot of people, when I'm in New York, come up to me, and by a lot I mean three, there were like two or three, would come up to me and be like, I'm homeless. I moved here because of crashing. Wow! You're like, no, no. That's not on me. That's on you. That is on you. That's on you and your family

structure did you have a moment where you're like how are you getting your hbo yeah that is or what's uh yeah it's a it's a crazy are you watching on hbo go find an apartment you need to hbo go home but that is what i would tell them is and i'm actually happy to get that out there wow i'm i feel for my people and the urgency that tell them and I'm actually happy to get that out there. While I feel for my people and the urgency that we all want to like, I got to get to the city,

I got to start doing Stand Up Now. The premise of our show is funny because it's a terrible idea. Don't move to New York and be homeless. Yeah, do you tell those people

like, hey, just, you know, I was in Chicago for a good chunk of time before I came here and then started over again. Yes! And then no credits transferred. I had to come here

and do, except that you had the body of work that you have done so you walk with like a suitcase full of jokes and you kind of come in. But it's good to start

in a city where there isn't a lot of show goods. Fail in the darkness. We didn't do that. We didn't do that. We started in New York. We kind of did. We started in St. Louis

and we didn't. And you can feel it in your act. I know. No, I'm kidding. It's good to be anonymous for a while. We started in St. Louis. And you can feel it in your act. I know. No, I'm kidding. It's good to be anonymous for a while. Totally. I agree.

Let's jump into another story because then I want to talk about the poop duck later with the great- Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck.

Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Poop duck. Kimitron. A Scottish farmer frantically called police to report a tiger in his cow shed, sparking an armed police standoff. A tiger in my cow shed feels like, right? It's like a doctor.

Is this a parable? Yeah. Is this about faith? It feels like Dr. Phil, like what Dr. Phil would tell a couple. You got yourself a tiger in the chicken shed. And until you learn to love you and the person in the mirror, you and your grandma

aren't going to be able to talk to one another. Wait a minute. What? Phillip, what did you just... By the way, it's not the life of pie. It is an Irishman.

It is the life of shepherd's pie. It's like a bottle of pie. Shepherd's pie! Shepherd's pie! Shepherd's pie! That is so good pie! Shepard's pie! That is so good. The life of Shepard's pie. That was like finding out...

At Sklod Brothers. I don't know. That something's a dessert. I was going to say finding out a gold coin is a chocolate gold coin, but it sounded anti-Semitic. It's fine. It's like finding out these potato pancakes have been fried. Yes.

They are actually good. They are very good. So a Scottish farmer called cops to report a tiger in his cow shed sparking an armed police standoff only to learn it was a large stuffed animal. Wow. And I don't even remember the part where I said a police standoff. Standoff. Bruce, this is also-

Tiger's not moving. What are we doing here? He's going to move. He is tracking us. He is staring at us. Look at his focus. And the thing is, and you know somebody who claimed to be a tiger iceberg, the thing is you have to be worried about them when they don't move.

Yes. That's the point at which they're going to come at us. That's right before they attack, Dave. The last thing you see... Randy, that is your part in this movie. And you're wearing that hat and you have that mustache. And you have those earphones because you've been

listening to him this is a stakeout and then someone's like the last thing you see before he attacks you is his tag coming out of his leg F-A-O-M-I-G-O-D

that doesn't work F-A-O-M-I-G-O-D F-A-O-S-H-I-T F-A-O-S-H-I-T the name of this farmer is so perfect for dumb people town Bruce Grubb Bruce Gr Town. Bruce Grubb.

Bruce Grubb. Bruce Grubb was throwing a housewarming party when he left his guests and girlfriend while he popped to the shed to check on his 200 pregnant cows. Going to make sure there's no tiger in the shed. You do this every night. Well, the time it's there. Karen. Then who's going to be laughing?

He was at a party. He went out to the shed to fart. He's going to cut him with the ladies who don't mind. 200 pregnant cows. They're all pregnant at the same time? Yeah. Well, they have to be. What was James Franco in there?

Quote. Why? I love James Franco. I love James Franco. But I mean, I don't love what he did to women. Quote. You guys are in a fun pickle there. We qualified so hard.

We love him, but you know. It's an important time to listen, but we love him. Great movie, but you know. But I don't support. Yeah, we get it. Oh, hi, Mark. Quote. Quote.

I was on duty because the cows could drop at any time, so I wasn't drinking. I flashed my torch. Coolest name for a flashlight? Yeah. Torch is my torch. I flashed my torch in the shed and saw it sitting there. I was stone cold sober. Drink had nothing to do with me thinking it was real.

Now, I feel a bit silly for calling the police, but I thought it was a real emergency. He told the Scottish son, I had absolutely no doubt it was real. I got a hell of a scare. All right. How many tigers are running around the Irish countryside? Scottish. Scottish. Scottish.

Because the number's big difference. I'm sorry. My favorite mug at my in-law's house taught me that there are no tigers in Africa, only India. Oh! That's true. So you can't even see them in Africa. It would be silly if this man were in the Sudan.

Bruce ran back to the cottage. If he was in the Sudan, yeah. Bruce ran back to the cottage and called police, and he claims the first officer on the scene was just as convinced as he was that the tiger was real. He was drunk. This is what I love. The officer was drunk.

The officer was wasted. Wait for it. Wait for it! The frightened farmer said the first officer to respond on the scene was so scared. By the way, the frightened farmer to me sounds like the Scottish farm to table restaurant. It only has three tables in it. Would you like the shaky eggs? Would you like the trembling meatloaf?

The frightened farmer said the first officer. I'd like a quivering quiche. To respond to the scene was so scared that, quote, he refused to get out of his squad car or even wind the windows down. He didn't want to go anywhere near it because he thought it was. So imagine. He's in a car. He's a cop. He's like, officer, could you get out and help me with this?

No. Sir, I can't. What do I look like? A cop. Right. A safe cop. A living cop. You responded to the call.

Sir. Sir. Do not get in the way of police protocol. He has a horn. A horn would remedy the situation. A horn would absolutely. Get in there with lights and sound and that tiger's like, truce. That's it.

Truce. Or nothing. And because it will do nothing. It will do nothing because it's nothing. Photographs of the said tiger were sent to the control room, and an expert sergeant confirmed it was definitely real. So now a guy back at the police station looked at a photo somebody took on their phone and was like, Is there a tiger guy back at the office?

Get him on there and shake his suit. I put it in that app that tells you what painting it looks like, and it was a painting of a tiger. Okay, good. So that's 100% match. Yep. Move! Move! painting it looks like and it was a painting of a tiger okay good so that's a hundred percent match and the guy does that little two finger come along with me and it was the one day the officer with the fingerless gloves and the sniper rifle and the backwards hat took off yeah are you fucking kidding me today Today! Today! Of all fucking days! Of all fucking days! You're shitting me, Rocknett!

You're fucking shitting me! And I fucking knew it too! I fucking knew it! Of course, he's visiting Scotland. Yeah, he's from Ireland. He knew it. Wales is better. Wales is better!

That's just great! Wales is better! That's just fucking great! He gets poked by Ish. The front end farmer Says he wouldn't get out Of his car Photographs were sent

To the expert sergeant Which I love Cue numerous units Including three Armed response teams And a dog handler Being sent to the farm To tackle a beast

In my mind No one has told the party Any of this Of course not They're all raging And I'm by the barn Yes You just say

I'm blue I'm on the I'm on the barn. Yes. You just say, I'm blue. I'm on the... I still love it. Faintly. No, faintly in the background, you hear, I get knocked down. We're so on brand. I am the tiger.

Of all times. Of all times we play that song. Northeast police even checked a local wildfire park to see if they had had an escaped tiger on the loose. After armed cops engaged in a long standoff, they realized the police... Yeah, that standoff ends when you stop. Yeah, right?

We can end this now. We can do it the hard way or the easy way. Easy way is us just leaving. End of stand-up. You have a lot to live for. Figure the treats. No one here wants to see you be a rug today, okay? Let's call you cubs.

What are they, cubs? I'm telling you, he's not moving because he is ready to kill. That's what they do. I'm telling you, if that's when you want to worry, it's when they're not moving. It's so funny, I wanted to say it again. I knew it wasn't new. That is such, that's the riff of this whole story. After the cops engaged in a standoff,

they realized the supposedly terrifying beast was just a big plush toy. I'm going to ask you guys now. Pete, first, Tigger, third, how long was the standoff that the cops had with Tiger? This is so good. It's raining, man. Grub's been long gone for a while.

Where's Grub? He likes it up there. I love these flashing blue and red lights you guys have. The cicadas. The cicadas. The cicadas came. Cic you guys have. The cicadas. The cicadas. The cicadas came. Cicadas. You know the cicadas.

I'm going to say the standoff. I can say any number? Any number of minutes. I'm going to say it was three hours. Oh, my God. Three hours. That's too long. I think it was 45 minutes.

45 minutes. Okay. I'm going to say an hour and a half. An hour and a half. 90 minutes standoff. You went in between. Because I feel like- Are you Oreo cream over there?

Because you in between. Yes, I am. We're doubles. We're doubles. Is that Anita Urban? Are you Oreo cream? Anita Urban. You did just what I told you to, baby.

I shouldn't be fucking with this woman. I know. We love you, Anita. Anita, you pull all the strings. Well, today was already a special episode because we're having so much fun, but it even got a little more special-ish. Because someone got it on the nose. Because one of you three is exactly right.

It may be. By the way, this is a small Scottish town. Could be any one of us. It could be Pete. Three hours is not a long time to them. No. They don't have Keurigs. Now we're going to have a new...

They're boiling water and grinding beans. I'm adding a new wrinkle to this game when somebody gets it exactly right. Pete, who do you think is exactly right? I love this sort of stuff. Because mathematically, I was probably wrong. Because I went first. So it's probably one of you. But you don't know.

You don't know. Who do you think was right? If I say myself, I'm the king. No, you are the king if you're saying this. If I say myself and it is me. You're the king. I'm the king. That's a drop the mic moment.

You win this episode. It's I become King Ralph specifically. You win. You win. You need a ham off the bone? I think. How many more ham on his ham bone? I think it was, oh, I think it was Randy.

Okay. Okay. All right. Jason Sklar. I think it was Randy too. Okay. bone? I think it was... I think it was Randy. Okay. All right, Jason Sklar. I think it was Randy, too. Okay, Randy. I think it was Pete. I really think it was him. I think three hours. Okay, everybody playing along at home, get your answers in now.

How long was the standoff between the toy tiger and the cops and Bruce Grubb? The standoff lasted 45 minutes. Oh! None of us believed in Jason. That's right in there. Hallelujah. I'm telling you, that's how little confidence

I had in myself. This is an exercise in how the three of us don't believe in Jason. Yeah, that's true. Including Jason himself. You got to know that we don't trust you.

We don't trust your decision making. You know, it just seemed a little too prudent. Yeah. I thought it was going to be like wacky. I usually guess way over in these moments. I know you do. I think I had 12 hours on some other crazy thing that didn't happen.

So I went- We know who cracked the case. Oh, sorry. Go ahead. I went low on this one and that and suddenly I'm right. Jay, you went low and everybody else went low. When I go low, they go low. The person who cracked the case, Bruce Grubb.

He says, as time went on, it wasn't moving. I started to think it wasn't real. I got in my truck and drove right up to it with my truck, and that's when I knew it was a toy. Which means all the cops are like, hey, man, if you want to go figure this out, go ahead. Hey, we're just trained officers in gear with weapons, but if you and your truck want to go take on a tiger. I know Pete Holmes. If Pete were Bruce Grubb, Pete would have come out with the tiger on top of him like it was mauling him. Like, oh my god!

And then he would realize very quickly that he made a mistake when they started to shoot at him. I think as they put it over my shoulders, like Jesus with a lamb. Guys, he's friendly! I have tamed him and I'm your god now! No follow-up

questions! Go on up to the party guys it's raining man I am glad that the only way that could be better is if they shot it and like a puff of comical like cotton filling my motherfucker didn't even move

that's when you gotta worry is when you shoot it and it doesn't even move this thing is like unbelievable it's like a super tiger but honking in lights would have solved this. I know.

And they let Grubb do it himself. They said at one point, this wasn't in here, but I read it there. At one point, they swore that they saw its ears flickering, like it's moving its ears. They let Grubb do it himself. It's unclear how the toy got in the shed. This is my favorite part. They determined that there was no harm done. The false call was made with genuine good intent, said the police officers.

And my favorite thing, we'll get out of here on this. The cops even asked and embarrassed Bruce Grubb before sending him back to his party if they could keep the stuffed tiger as a mascot. And Bruce Grubb said no. No. Bruce Grubb said, you keep it as long as this story doesn't get out to the world. Certainly not with my name, Bruce Grubb. Farmer from Scotland, the frightened farmer.

That should be his new thing, and that should be on his crest, the frightened farmer. All right, that's it. Story two, down in the books. Pete Holmes with us. We've got one more little story left. Dan, do you tease us? What are we going to be catching on the other side of the break? We have a cereal fight.

Okay. Cereal fight. Cereal fight. A cereal fight? It's either a fight that happens all the time or an actual fight with cereal. A fight over the podcast cereal. That would be fantastic lucky it had it those are my lucky time we don't know maybe you gotta stay with us stay with us pete holmes right after the break all right welcome back to uh dumb people town uh daniel van kirk follow him he's a great follow on twitter follow

uh peter holmes on twitter at pete holmes drop that r pete i think of you all the time i think you even tweeted this once. You said something like, it pains me to death to watch someone put their phone in their pocket unlocked. Yes. You said that to me the other day. I think the tweet was, I feel the same level of anxiety as I see

a baby carrier on the roof of an SUV. But more could go wrong. That's right. More could go wrong. That's right. More could go wrong. You're about to postmates three bags of malt. Randy goes,

walk it! I go, your phone is unlocked in your pocket. Randy's like, are you afraid I might call somebody? I go,

anything could happen. Anything. You could order. I actually think you have pocket dialed me. I probably have pocket dialed you. I'm sure I have. There's a lock feature

and it feels good to lock. You're absolutely right. If you have the sound on, it goes, it feels awesome. I love sure I have. There's a lock feature and it feels good to lock. You're absolutely right. If you have the sound on, it goes... It feels awesome. I love it. You know what else feels good? Our new movie about poop,

which is in theaters right now. It's called Poop Talk. And Pete Holmes, you are so good in this movie. First of all, thank you for when we called you not saying I don't want to be friends with you again,

but saying I absolutely will do this, making time for us. And then delivering what I consider to be, as we were cutting this movie and putting it together, again, this is so perfectly you. And everyone showed up in great ways.

Corddry was the most Corddry he could be. And you were the most you you could be. Kumail was the most Kumail you could be. Non-Johnny. Jamie Lee, the most Jamie Lee she could be. Everybody really rose to the surface in such a great way. Swordsman was hilarious. We were a bunch of floaters.

Yes. Literally. You gave like a philosophy to, and we're talking about the philosophy of comedians and how we are alpha male, alpha men and women. However, alpha because we reveal all the inner vulnerabilities that we have. It's just fascinating stuff. So fans of yours will absolutely love you in this movie. Oh, I appreciate it. And it's called?

It's called Poop Talk. It's available. It's in theaters in 10 cities right now, and I think we made ads for all those where it's going to be, but it's in LA and New York and Cleveland and Atlanta and Detroit. This is your chance. All the shit cities. Yes, all the shit cities.

I think Trump called them shitholes. Look, this is your chance. You already support independent art by listening to podcasts, so you're that kind of person already. This is your chance to support independent art. If half the people who listen to this podcast went out and saw this movie or got it on video on demand

or you can get it on iTunes or Amazon. Is that what VOD stands for? VOD? You have a computer in your pocket. And it's unlocked. Feed home. So anyway, just learning weird things you have a computer in your pocket and it's unlocked it's unlocked feed home so anyway just

it's my I'm making my plea because you're here and you were so good and I hope you had fun doing it I had a great time doing it last that's like the last shoot

I did in my house I was like no more because you guys were great and you were minimal have you ever agreed to a shoot in your house and you show up and there's craft service

on your lawn? You're like, whoops! Too much. So I was happy to do it. I actually have a bit about that now. It's about how 90% of male behavior is to get an erection later. We're trying to big ourselves up that we're like, I'm that kind of guy!

I was like, we don't want to listen to Kid Rock and wear wrap around Oakleys. We're trying to get momentum going because it's vulnerable. I won't do the whole bit, but there's a part where I'm like, we don't want to listen to Kid Rock and wear wraparound Oakleys. We're trying to get momentum going. Yeah. Because it's vulnerable. Yeah. And I won't do the whole bit, but there's a part where I'm like, we know you like foreplay, but he's here.

Yeah. The dick is here now. The dick is here. And we have to sheathe it. Yeah. Otherwise he might leave. Like, it's so fragile. It's like strong, weak.

And I talk about how like I've lost my erection because the dog came in and looked at me funny. Yeah. And I was like, so we're not doing it because we're assholes. We're doing it because we're cowards. It's a fear of it leaving. A fear of loss. And then the big turn

at the end is very much in line with poop talk as I go, even this bit, me doing this bit is to get an erection later. Yeah.

And then I'm fucking there and I go, remember how vulnerable I was? Remember how I shared my insecurities with strangers look at how huge I am now we are

I want to put this line in there when a guy pays for your dinner don't feel bad feel bad for him like he's

a coward that's something he needs he needs to do it because he's like I bought the dinner it's a brick in the wall and then the blood will flow to my ding-a-ling

we are shells of people. And we need so many things to be in place. And the older you get, the heart, like the more things can fuck it up Totally, of course. So you can't have this thing. It's like a song could come on that makes me think of my father.

I can't handle Mike and the Mechanics right now. No, no. Say it loud. I went to a different song. I went, a different song I went How long Can this be going That was actually Ace But same singer The part of the joke

That I'm not comfortable doing Because I don't want To represent women But I feel like women Are strong And they pretend to be weak That's what high heels are They're like

I can't flee Click click click Click click click I'm just a deer I'm a wounded deer Have you ever tried Have you ever worn High heels for anything

I wore it in a movie once And it is like You have to be The strongest person In the world Just to wear them That's what I'm a wounded deer. Have you ever worn high heels for anything? I wore them in a movie once, and it is like, you have to be the strongest person in the world just to wear them. That's what I'm saying. So they are obviously super strong. They birth life, and they're, you know, they flow, they're intuitive, they have all this beautiful wisdom and strength, but they pretend, because it's cultural, to be

like, I fell and Dracula's after me. And man, we're in the shit too because we're complex people. We have feelings and we have up days and down days, but we get it steam cleaned out and we're just supposed to, like you said, Tom Selleck. When I saw Tom Selleck, I was like, fuck, that's what I'm supposed to be. That's the dude I need to be. Smell like leather and pipe smoke.

That's right. But that's not who I am. I'm the guy that buys dinner because I'm like, for my wee wee. I straight up tell Val. I go, when we were dating, I was like, please, I have to pay for this. I'm doing this because I need to feel like a big shot because my anatomy needs me to spin plates and be like, big shot, big shot, big shot. That's the payoff.

I wish I was strong enough to let a woman pay for dinner for me and still get a big old rubbery boner. I can, but it's not as easy when you're gay. It should never be like a championship run in the NCAA tournament for like a 10th seed. The idea being that you need everything to go right. You

can't be shooting a low percentage. You've got to make sure that the blue chip teams can have bad nights and still win. When you're like us, everything happening. Dan is, of course, in the other camp. Dan just can't help but get it over with. Well, there are fellas that are of different grit. Yes.

For sure. But I manufacture my grit by admitting my weakness. Some guys, in order to get the erection, need to get into a serial fight. And I brought it back to this. You did, but I will say one last thing. Pete will get an erection watching this movie because he's super vulnerable. He lays it out there. Yeah.

Pete, watch this movie. You'll love this. We did a Batman sketch. I think this is so funny. I did these Batman videos, and one of them was about sex. And it's a line that no one ever quotes. I'm not even sure it's in there. But Batman says to Talia Al Ghul,

his love interest in the movie, he goes, sometimes the sexiest thing a woman can do is forgive. And that joke is everything I stand for. I'm like, that is comedy to me. Because the number of times I've lost my boner and Val's been like, it's okay.

And then I immediately have a boner. We are cowards. She just goes, it's okay and then I immediately have a boner we are cowards she just goes it's fine and I'm like I'm back hey we're back in the game guys

it's a little and that sounds like we usually think women play games like that men do too or we have needs that are emotional like that where it's like

you love me even if I fail you do ring-a-ding-ding I'm humping the air you literally are like Don Amici and the other old guy in Coming to America Phil? You do? Ring-a-ding-ding! I'm humping the air. You literally are like Don Amici and the other old guy in Coming to America.

Like she just gave, like Eddie Murphy just gave you the money and you're like, we're back in it. Randall, we're back. Randall, we're back. Take a look at you. It's working. I'm going to do it in the voice next time. I love it. Please. You want to do a third one?

Let's do it. Here we go. Sent in by Bill Latourette. I'm sorry. Biff Latourette. Biff Latourette. Bill Latourette would have been ridiculous. B-I-F-F-L-A T-O-U-R-E-T-T-E. I want you to shout out his last name. I just want you to shout it out quickly.

Latourette. Okay. Continue. I get it. An Alabama man. Okay, like involuntarily? Yes, involuntarily. That was better. No, I liked it. I liked yours.

I knew we were all going to make a Tourette's drive. An Alabama man allegedly beat his roommate after discovering. I was hoping for ad checkers. Why is it got to be a violent thing? After discovering that the victim had failed to properly seal a box of Cap'n Crunch cereal, which had gone stale. Thanks for saying Cap'n. He's not a captain.

He is a Cap'n. He is a Cap'n. Don't upgrade his status just because you're not in the... I just have three words to say. Check the epaulets. It's General Mills. It's Cap'n Crunch. Always keep them below the manufacturer.

If you're fighting That did work. I love it. If you're fighting with your roommate over stale cereal, you're fighting over a lot of other things. Oh, yeah. It's like Chinese water torture. Something has been nagging you

all goddamn day. Maybe a nose that whistles on the exhale. Right. A soup slurper. A soup slurper. Just a loud breather, a mouth breather. Every time you come home, you have different working shifts. There's a bowl on the coffee table.

Peanut butter on the spoon. Oh, God, you're making me want to beat him. Okay, there are things that my kids do. Like, I'll just find shoes everywhere. I'm like, that's not where the shoes go. No. I don't want to be tripping over you. Why must it look like the rapture in here?

Yeah, exactly. You were taken up mid-run. Oh, I didn't realize you guys were following the Mayan calendar. This is all coming now. Dwayne Barry Smith was arrested Friday for domestic violence. His middle name is Barry coming out. Dwayne Barry Smith was arrested Friday for domestic violence. His middle name is Barry? Oops, all crunch berries.

Frankenberry? Frankenberry Smith. DBS. Dibs. Dibs. Was arrested Friday for domestic violence following a confrontation with the man he shares a residence with in Moundville, a town outside Tuscaloosa.

Tuscaloosa, Alabama. According to police, the victim said that Smith became upset upon discovering the stale cereal and blamed him for failing to keep the Cap'n Cunch fresh. Did you say Cap'n Cunch? I did. Cap'n Cunch. I did, but we'll let it out. Like the filthy talk of Cap'n Cunch? Cap'n Cunch. Cap'n Cunch. Like the filthy talk of Cap'n Cunch.

I hate when people use that word in a sexy way. It happens in The Departed where he goes, it was never hard for me to get cunt. I was like, no! Like I bought the rat on the railing more than I bought the cat. I prefer the rat on the railing. First viewing. How did you know it was coming?

You're at the premiere. Oh, God. Nobody. The person who knew that is in the middle of the movie. No, no, like, he kills him in the room. Sorry, I'm spoiler alert.

It's Wahlberg. Wahlberg kills Matt Damon and you're like, yay! Then rat. Boo. But then I've spent time thinking about it.

I'm like, is it good? I mean The Departed that moment oh no by the way there's a lot of good

in that movie there's a lot of good in that movie there's a lot of good in that movie Alec Baldwin the last the rat on the railing

it's not a good movie somebody had to pull him do you think they did one take without the rat yes of course yes I'm sure they were like and they tested it yes that rat on the railing Somebody had to pull them. Do you think they did one take without the rat? Yes. Of course. Yes. Yes.

I'm sure they were like. And they tested it. Yes. That rat on the railing shows you how much people didn't want to contradict. Scorsese. Scorsese. Scorsese. Would you like that Scorsese?

Would you like it? Scorsese. So we're going to do the rat on the railing? Yep. Are we really? Like, you know, people are like, do we really? Because we don't have to. We don't have to do it.

Why don't we do one without? Yep. And then we'll do one with and then we'll see knowing like the editor's like i'm gonna show him the one without and let's see if he notices let's see if you know he did marty gets cut i wonder if that's like a jargon in like studio notes get him this is our the editor's like this is just the assembly but i love it like that's what the editor kept saying like i love it it's just the assembly right but he left it out or she left it editor kept saying. I love it. It's just the assembly. Right. But he left it out

or she left it out. I mean, to me, that would be my phrase from here on out when we're going to do something that's obvious. Are we going to put the rat on the railing on this one or what?

It's like jump the shark. We're putting the rat on the railing. I don't want to be a rat on the railing here. It's better than jump the shark. We need some rain here in Los Angeles. Am I right? Jump the shark. It's cumbersome in the mouth Angeles, am I right? Jump the shark isn't a...

It's cumbersome in the mouth. Rat on a railing comes out like a sneeze. It's effortless. Rat on a railing sounds like a Grateful Dead lyric from like 1970s. Rat on a railing. Dog on a limb. Dwayne Barry Smith was especially pissed because he is

missing teeth and had difficulty consuming the stale cereal. Okay, so now we're into medical reasons. At one point, Dwayne Barry Smith I'm now on his arm. Dwayne Barry Smith demanded that his roommate remove his dentures so he could experience how hard it was to

consume the Cap'n Crunch. These are old guys who are living together. We know that now about these. This is like a straight up cane fight. Or a Cap'n Crunch in your late 70s. This might be 30s. This might be 30s meth fight.

Southern meth fight. It is Tuscaloosa. Part of me wants it to be young people. Which of these two guys voted for Doug't. Which of these two guys voted for Doug Jones? Which of these two guys voted? This guy should be drinking smoothies. So Dwayne Barry Smith

gets pissed because he's missing teeth so it hurts to chew stale cereal. So he says, you take your dentures out of your mouth and you experience what it feels like. The guy who already didn't care about your goddamn cereal is going to be like, yeah, alright, let me completely empathize with you. I heard that he didn't have teeth and goddamn cereal is going to be like, yeah, all right, let me completely empathize with you. I heard that he didn't have teeth, and my first thought was, close the damn box. You know what I mean?

I'm just saying, close it up. When the man refused, Dwayne Barry Smith allegedly began striking the victim with an electrical cord. That's when you grab whatever's needed. That's Jason Bourne right there. Also, talk about a flaccid weapon. Yeah. You want to come hard, and then it's a whip with a... Yeah, why aren't there more...

Indiana Jones with an extension cord would have worked fine. Totally would have worked fine. I'll plug this in. Also, Cap'n Crunch, a terrible choice for somebody with a sensitive mouth. Absolutely. What was your second choice? Grape nuts? Dude, move to the fl somebody with a sensitive mouth. Absolutely. What was your second choice? Grape nuts?

Dude, move to the flake-based cereals. Kicks. Kicks. Kicks and tricks would have helped you out. Kicks and tricks themselves are like tiny balls of fiberglass. Those aren't good. I've insulated my third floor with kicks. It's been so many years since I had cereal. Silly Pete.

Kicks are for like- Just like dig into a big bowl. I used to eat it by like the mixing bowl. Oh, yeah. I had cereal. Silly Pete kicks her for it. Just like dig into a big bowl. I used to eat it by like the mixing bowl. Oh, yeah. My kids eat Lucky Charms once in a while. We give them Lucky Charms. Oh, toot-toot-toot-toot. And they just pick out all the charms

and then they won't eat the other cereal. So I pour milk in. But that's a frosted cereal right there. But I'm like, you just are eating. No, it's like marshmallow and it's like pure sugar. You can do all malo. You know they have that. What?

Lucky Charms is just the marshmallows. You know they have that. All marshmallows? No. What stepdad buys that for their kids? Came up with that one, yeah. They're gonna like me, Diane. You have your time with them and we have what we call lucky time. Don't harsh the mellow.

Your mom's a no-leaf clover Let's end it here How old is Dwayne Barry Smith? Okay, so now This could be misplaced I had a talk show on DBS His roommate could be His roommate could be super old

His roommate could be super old And he could be old If he's old and he's saying, you take your teeth out. Oh, you won't? Give me that three-prong. Can I borrow your extension cord for a second? If he did it calmly, that's even funnier. Where's that, just even searching for it, where's the-

What are you looking for? We're out of cereal. If you want more cereal, we don't have more cereal. No, the extension cord so I can beat your ass with it. Oh! Oh! It's in the pantry. Beating someone with an extension cord, to me, that's a Scorsese

1979. It's when you don't like it. You'd rather it be a machete or something. Come on, man. Stop hitting me with that. I bet it hurts. I bet it hurts. I bet it hurts really bad, especially the plug at the end or the thing at the... The prongs. The prongs or the thing.

All right, so he beats one thing. It's a crime of passion. All right, so do you want to go first, second, or third on this? How old? I've always gone first, so I'm going to go third. Okay. Ooh, okay. Jake, go ahead.

I think he's 36. 36 years old, missing some teeth, living with an old guy. I just saw a special on meth in the south on this Meth Town. It was on, I guess, Netflix or I'm not sure. Meth-flix. Oh, no. It was on HBO. So addicting.

I pointed at Pete like, he's HBO. It was on you. It was on HBO. I do have a feed of HBO on my back. Okay, he does. Like those t-shirts you buy at kiosks. Meth Town, and it was down. Love it.

And it was down in Alabama, so I think he's 36 years old. I think this guy is 61. 61 years old. Is your guess so low that it's racist? Towards Alabama. Towards white people. Yes. So it's fine.

To me, this feels like the fight that Robert Durst had with, you know what I mean, with the guy when they wrestled with the thing. You're lucky you didn't end up in bags floating. That's right. Thank God my head was found still. Okay, so I say 61. 61, wow. I'm going to 38?

36. 36. I'm going to say... Sometimes it's bad to have more knowledge. I'm going to say this man is 29. That's so bold. I love it. Dwayne, Barry Smith,

who solves problems with an electrical cord because he's a jerk and doesn't like stale cap and crunch, is, play along at home everybody, 52 years old. 52. Barely. Barely, by the way. Barely. Yeah, 52. But he probably looks like he's 71.

52 in meth years is 71. That is right. As mentioned before, as we just mentioned, we mentioned Robert Durst. And a lot of people don't know, but we have a pipeline to Robert Durst. He sometimes calls into the show. Sometimes calls into the show. And he somehow finds out before an episode is released. That's what money gives you.

That's what money is. Money allows you to listen in and hear that we're talking about him. And then he sometimes wants to comment on it. So as mentioned, and we mentioned it before. We mentioned him just now. We mentioned him on the show. And he has this crazy sixth sense. I don't know if you watched The Jinx.

Oh, sure, I did. He knew who Robert Kemp was. Yeah, of course. The Jinx, he is kind of, he knows. He said, I don't know if you watched it, and he did like a detail about putting things in trash bags. In bags, floating bags. I don't know if you, well, maybe he just read the transcripts.

No, no, no. Okay, so maybe he just followed Durst. But Durst kind of knows what's going on before it's about to happen. He's had an eerie sense about him. And so he actually found out that we were talking about him literally two minutes ago.

And he is at the studio right now. So, Dan, if you could get up and let Robert Durst in for a quick second. Hi, boys. Hey, Bob. Fellow HBO star. No, I don't want to be known like that. Do you want to be roped in?

Just a couple of guys going around New York. No. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. Pete did not murder his ex-wife. I didn't murder anybody. Who does? I did. You did. Pete did not murder his ex-wife. I didn't murder anybody. Who does?

I would murder. You did. You did. Pete isn't even killing on stage in the show. I know. I'm not killing anywhere. No, no. You were miked in the bathroom.

Who hasn't been miked? A lot of people haven't been miked in a bathroom. You weren't. Who admitted that you did a murder? Her wife left you. My wife. No, that's not the same. She didn't that you did a murder. Your wife left you. My wife left you. No, that's not the same. She didn't leave you.

She disappeared. His wife is still findable. She left just like Pete and I are very similar. No, you guys are not. I can't stress that enough. You murdered your roommate? Pete knows how to properly spell the word Beverly. I know how to write Beverly.

That was self-defense. No. And then he told me if he ever forced me to kill him, he wanted his remains. He might have meant ashes. No. I took it as chunks. No. You thought he meant chunks?

I mean, it's more, you can see where he goes. No, you don't want to. Wait, you meant to float the bags like fucked up goldfish from the carnival? Yeah. Oh, I, who knows who does anything? Wait, speaking of chunks, are you going to go see our poop doc, which opens this weekend and Pete's in it? I, who's in it?

Or last weekend. It's already up. Pete Holmes is in it. I'm glad to be in it. I should tell you. No, you're not in it. You're not in it. It's already out.

You're not in it. Pete knows from running the circuit of promoting the show that you're very busy. I'm looking for season two. Of the jinx? Of the jinx. Are you planning on

murdering more people? No, but I would like Pete. Yours is a docu-series. It's different. Season two doesn't... Look at my wardrobe. You think that was a

documentary? Yeah. That's high-level production. Okay, fine. Those weren't even my show. Okay, fine. All right, even my show. Okay, fine.

All right, so you're going to say there's wardrobe. Look, what I'm saying is there's a season two. Look at my wardrobe. There's a season two as long as Douglas is still alive. That's all I'm going to say. That's my web. That's why I'm here. Pete, you're around.

I've seen on the show. He's in New York. You're marketing your paper. You're asking. Yeah, yeah. If you see Douglas, would you be willing to text me and say, here's where Douglas is? No. You don't want to be in an assessment.

No. No. Definitely I won't text you. Yeah. Don't tell him where Douglas is. Pete, do you have a brother? I don't want to talk about my family with you. I don't want you to know.

If you wanted your brother to not bother you anymore. Stop it. Hypothetically. Stop it. brother to not bother you anymore. Stop it. Stop it. Pete gets it. I don't get it. He does not get it. Our shows are different. Mine is a comedy.

It's half an hour. It's scripted. Yours is not funny. You didn't think I was funny walking around the city with a backpack like a lost nine-year-old and then I couldn't get into a building I owned. Okay, that is kind of similar. That was similar to Dunstan Checks In. No.

They wanted him out, but they couldn't get him out. It's not Dunstan. It's a buddy comedy. Oh, it's not. Can we please show Robert Durst the door here? I get my mic off. Okay, your mic is off. Wait, what was your name again?

Robert. Robert. Derse. Jinx. Buy me a Coke. You owe me a Coke. So we're going to let him get out of here. So go ahead.

Go ahead. Try and jinx me. I'll get him for that. Oh, no. We can still hear you. Everyone can hear you. You're literally saying it on mic. You can still, everyone can still hear you. You're literally saying it on mic.

You just said, try to jinx me. I'll get him back. Like a jinx. Like one good jinx deserves another. No, no. Get out of here. Get him out. That was a threat. Again, you left and you forgot that you're still mic.

That's it. He knows what a threat is. We can still hear everything. Robert! Stop. We hear everything you're saying. All right, bye-bye. Goodbye.

Bye-bye. Bye-bye, thank you. Bye, Mommy. Okay, all right, let's get Dan back in it. Jesus. Hey, guys. Oh, my God, Dan. Thank God.

I could have used one more him threatening. That was hilarious The show is Crashing It's on HBO And I want you guys To watch all of it The movie is called

Poop Talk And Pete Holmes Is fantastic in it It's in theaters now And VOD Which stands for Video on Demand Pete and I learned today

iTunes, Amazon All that stuff Support us Support this And watch Pete Holmes Be great in this movie And iTunes stands for Internet Tune

Oh I did not know that. It does. And, oh shit, we've got to get back to work. It's a good show.