Dumb People Town - Pete Holmes - Island Ellis

Episode Date: August 3, 2021

This week Pete Holes comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a not-so-missing woman. The second story is about one mans mission to clean a trashy mess. The final story is about a recent dinosaur siting.

Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town! Population U. Population home. Population Holmes. You only say people? You only say people. Sometimes I go people. Sometimes I go dumb. Peter Holmes.

Peter Benedict. Is it Benedict? Is it Benedict? No, what is that? Is that your middle name? P.B. Holmes. P.B. Holmes. Peanut butter and ham.

Bitches. I'm sorry. No, no. Your parents were like, what traitor in U.S. history can we name our son? That's right. And it's my great-grandfather. Oh, boy. But he also betrayed the Americans.

Oh, did he really? I'm just kidding. PB Holmes. Can I get this out? PB Holmes is Sherlock Holmes' brother who also wanted to get into sleuthing but just never could figure it out. And he's always putting the clues in a peanut butter sandwich. PB Holmes is like, and Sherlock's always like, and the key shall be in the beard it out. And he's always putting the clues in a peanut butter sandwich. And Sherlock's always like,

and the key shall be in the bed of Winston. And it's not. He's like, fuck, it's in the fucking sandwich. Did you eat the clues again, PB? And he's always eating. And he's always eating near his ear. It's like, my Jesus, PB. Oh, yeah!

Love a good close eater. So what I love about Pete Holmes is his analytical take on the world. It is always deep and always thoughtful. I find a way to force it. No, I will say this. Remember you're somebody in the back seat bit? Yeah. Oh, God.

I love that. Really? Are you winding me up? No. Is this a wind up? No. I'm going to say this. Are you taking the piss?

Pete, I'm giving you this compliment. When I hear your comedy on the radio, and I listen to Comedy Channel, yeah, I added myself. I love your setups so much to your bits. Oh, really? Because I'm like, the premises. I didn't know it was kind people town. Yes, it is. The premises of a Pete Holmes bit, in my opinion, are genius.

And they are a representation of why I think you're a great comic. I really appreciate it. But it takes a very thoughtful person to think of a good premise. And that is why you are uniquely positioned to join us in Dumb People Town as we try and discover why people do what they do. We ask the why. You can point and say that's dumb, but then for us to understand the why. Dumb People Town as we try and discover why people do what they do. Yeah, we can find it. We ask the why. You can point and say that's dumb, but then for us to understand the why. Let's get into a little bit of a why.

So let's jump into a story, Dan. Yeah. This was sent in by Patty McMorrin at McMopat. McMorrin? Yeah, McMorrin. McMorrin. McMorrin. McMorrin.

I love the McMorrin. They just hand you a mirror. And a fork. You're like, how am i supposed to start not again we pan back and see half of his ass is missing last time he ate his ass missing woman here's the headline yes missing woman from family found secretly living with neighbor okay wow a strange series of events in plain recently unraveled a years-long mystery. A woman in India reported missing was discovered to have been secretly living with her romantic companion located near her family's home for how long?

I'm going to start off the gate. How long do you think this woman secretly lived in one of her neighbor's homes? Three years, four months. Three years, four months. Romantic companion, that's in our sequel. That's right. 14 months. Love that. Love it. I want to say nine months. Three years, four months. Romantic Companion, that's an RC club. That's right. 14 months. Love that.

Romantic Companion. Love it. I want to say nine months. Nine months? This is what the song Atlantic... Four. Fourteen months. Fourteen.

You said three years, three months. Let's avoid the India overpopulation area. We're not. We just said nine months. Just let that truck go by. It's gone. It's gone. Eddie Pepitone just dropped by.

Hey, that is a monsoon yelling. Hit it. Ten years. Captain Crunch was Captain Crunch. Yes, you were. So here's the question. I was only up by seven. Still closest. So this tells me that people

in India aren't paying attention to their neighbors. You gotta be paying attention to your neighbors. Gotta keep an eyeball on that attention to your neighbors. You've got to keep an eyeball on that neighbor. Is someone from my family living in your house? No. Here's the deal. There is no neighborhood watch program in Punjab. According to the Indian Express,

the woman, referred to only as Sanyitha, that's my best attempt, disappeared from her village in the state of Kerala. That sounds like her name. I guess she's gone. Yeah, but I tried my best to say it. No, I know, but it says referred to only as her name. Oh, yeah, they're not giving last names.

Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. The woman. We'll tell you where she lives, what street this happened on, who her neighbors were, but don't you dare figure out her last name. Look, I don't speak any Hindi. I think you could drop me in this neighborhood,

I'd go, where's the, where's the, you're not the one. Sunitha. You're not the one people have been looking for, but we found her, Where is she now? She's in a romantic relationship. A decade later, her family had abandoned hope that she might ever be found. However, when the man she ran off with was recently reported missing by his own family.

You can't be with a guy who ran off with Sunitha. A domino effect of discoveries led back to Sunitha. He's always like my, when it feels like the opening, like one of the opening scenes to Magnolia. That's when I get really interested. Back to Sujitha. This because of that. Like, surely, this is not one of those things. These things happen.

I thought Domino Effect was how good Domino's pizza is and how filled I was. No, it's not, Jason Sklar. Sorry. Jason got tricked by how good Domino's was at a birthday party. Really? Yeah. He ate it out of the box, thought it was artisanal. No, someone presented it on a stone.

I'm saying it was out of the box. Right. It was taken from the box. Well, I see what you're saying, but I saw him taking it out of the box. No, someone presented it on a stone. I'm saying it was out of the box. Well, I see what you're saying, but I saw him taking it out of the box. And they have that hexagon. They got that hexagon that lets you know. Pete, if someone

walked to you with a marble stone with pizza on it. In a nice house. Yeah. I said, where did you get this artisanal pizza?

What do you preheat your pizza oven to? Right. And they would say, without blinking, 350. For sure. For sure. Every oven, all you need is 350 and 425. Have you ever said, what lunatic? Only for a suicide, you set it to another test.

Or you're blowing the house. It's either all the way for a death or a murder. Or it's 350 or 425. Or 200 is someone who's trying to slow cook something and you have too much time. Or it's $3.50 or $4.25 or $200 is someone who's trying to slow cook something and you have too much time or it's $69 because you're hilarious

what did you set it at $6.10 what what is wrong with you okay I would have thought it was delicious too but I also think

almost any song if you were like that's a Bob Dylan song look at this photograph you'd be like fucking also is a great song fucking best friends forever we all just got an email that said Look at this photograph. You'd be like, fucking. Also, it is a great song.

Fucking best friends forever. We all just got an email that said, don't like Nickelback anymore. Bullshit. Nickelback comes on the radio, windows up, volume up. That fucking shit rocks my dick. I'm going to sing Nickelback. Look at this photograph. Every time I do, it makes me laugh. Great voice.

What are you, selling me a bush light? Right. Great voice. Right. Great voice. I'll even look past the fact that his hair is blonde and his goatee is black. That's right. Hey, it worked for Hulk Hogan.

It worked for Tiger King. Yes. So the curtains don't match the carpet. The curtains don't even match the other drapes. One drape doesn't match another drape. Okay. Oh, my goodness. The drapes don't match the levelers.

Don Draper, we just force it. We just force it. If you liked RC Cola, I'm going to say Don Draper. And we come back. The saga began in February 2010. Saga. Saitha. That's generous.

Reportedly left her home. Bitch was next door. Saga. Sit down, everybody. I'm going to tell you a saga. Oh, she just moved over there with that guy who was also missing. Yeah, not a saga. Bare down, everybody. I'm going to tell you a saga. She just moved over there with that guy who was also missing. Yeah, not a saga. Barely an anecdote.

She left her home and she walked to Alain Couvatil's Raman's house. There she spent a decade living in a spare single room without the knowledge of Raman's other family members whom he also shared the home so

they didn't know they didn't even know so they had someone else in their home for 10 years stuff yes this is saddam under the board like most parents have a drawer where they keep their weed that their kids can't know about this is a whole spare room where the kids are like hey i just wanted to go in there what is the story there There's a story. Right. There's a... There's a monster. Nothing good is ever happening. Disembodied menstruating vagina that floats in that room. Ghosts and goblins. It's air. Nothing good is happening

in a residential home that has a room you can't go in. That's right. There's nobody in there solving anything or helping people. That's when I turned off I'm Thinking of Ending Things. They get to the house. Did you watch it? No. No spoiler.

They get to a house and you don't know it's a horror movie. I didn't know it's a horror movie. It's a horror movie. And Jesse Plemons goes, yeah, that's the room to the basement. No one goes down there. And I went, oh.

That's it. I'm done. I'm done. I was on quarantine, in quarantine, alone for two weeks in a hotel. And I went, no fucking way, Charles Kaufman. I thought you were going to delight me. Yeah. I thought you were going to delight me.

Yeah. I thought you were going to give me a witty, funny script. Horror movies are just like a fucking mean thing to do. Horror movies are like. Thank you. But some people like that feeling. They're pain bodies. There are people who love to look that way and then really look that way for a long time

and really not pay attention to what's coming up over here. Right. And then you turn back. I'm feeling a lot of pain. So she spends a decade in Raman's house while his other family members have no idea that she's in the room. That's just a parent. According to his brother Bashir, Raman was intensely secretive about his spare room. He reportedly kept it locked and refused entry to anyone but himself.

And because of his alleged bad temper, Rahman's parents didn't push the issue further and instead allowed his odd behavior to continue. I should tell you, before I get into all this, I have researched this article. Every single thing that I read, this woman was a complete willing participant in living in this home. She's not a hostage.

There is no sort of victimization. This is where we all pretend we were concerned. Oh, good. Thank God. I feel like it's so too bad that I wasn't worried about that. I was like, it sounds like she's in on it. She is. She was in on it.

I took that from the headline. I was like, she was in on it. Also, why would I lead you down that? Why would I even introduce? I trusted it would be a light. This is a comedy podcast. Yes, I am a guest. And the good news is he has a terrible temper.

So I'm sure she was totally safe. We continued it. We'll continue to. Oh, my God. But was the temper put on to build the mystique? To keep the door open. Oh, he needs it. He's actually a sweetheart. It's like a beware of dogs sign. Exactly.

There's no dog. And there's no film in that fucking camera. Right. He's Indian Joaquin Phoenix, who is normal whenever you hang out with him. He's doing a bit. He's doing a bit. He's doing a bit. Can I also say, don't allow people into your life that are

intensely secretive. I don't care what the topic is. Or have locked rooms. If you have a secret for more than three days, fucking beat it out of my life. Beat it out of my life. The only reason to have a secret, a secret is an arrow in a bow that's pulled back all the way. You hand it

to me. Don't tell anybody I can't come without thinking about my dad's feet. You hand it to me. Don't tell anybody I can't come without thinking about my dad's feet. You hand it to me and I go, I can't wait to shoot this with Valerie tonight. That's right. Hey, Valerie. Listen to this. Come feet.

Woo. Yeah. I'm not an architect. You got to do something with it. Yeah. What are you fucking nuts? What are you going to do with that? Do something with it.

That's the beauty of a secret. Oh, Pete, I just thought of one of my favorite bits of yours. Hit it. When people quit comedy, we should get to divvy up with that. That's the beauty of a secret. Oh, Pete, I just thought of one of my favorite bits of yours. Hit it. When people quit comedy, we should get to divvy up their jokes. That's right. And one of my favorite ones ever that I heard you repeat, I've never forgotten it. It's one of the best jokes I know. And it's funny because it's a story that you said you were at this open mic, I think, in New York.

Yes. Parkside Lounge. And it's the kid, right? Yes. Yes. Never see a kid so fat he looks like he has a job. Yes. I should have that job.

Right. That joke is done. Right. That joke is done. If you don't want it anymore, take it. Also, movie pitch. Don't take it. Ten open micers assemble and decide that they will combine their best bits and give it to

one of them who will perform all of them, and they'll each own a steak. But then they all get jealous of you. It's like stand-up flurry of Shakespeare. Right. Exactly. They're all the bard. They're all the bard. They're all the bard. I'm not really well-versed on Shakespeare conspiracy.

Yes. Is that what it was? Yeah, that it was a consortium. This is confirmed? I don't know if it's confirmed. It's a confirmed conspiracy. No one has video. How can you confirm? No one has video.

Wherefore, out there, do that. But yeah, we should all get their jokes. We should all get their jokes. But it's got to be first come, first serve. Dwight Slade also told me somebody, he saw an open record say, I found a time machine next week. That's a great joke. It's not as funny as fat.

How about Drake? Carved into the side of the White House. I've altered it for my own life. I'll be in Wisconsin. I'll be like, that kid has a pension. That kid has a pension. He has a retirement. When he gets home, he takes his watch off and he untucks his shirt and he

gets to work on that tough, overcooked stage. He goes into the dining room and just stares at the wall for a minute. That kid is so fat, he's getting too old for this shit. He is too old for this shit and he's nine. You can't do it on stage because it's a little bit of shame.

I think instead of divvying it up, we should have a draft. You draft people's jokes? I'll take Drake Sather. Drake Sather, who was a fantastic comedian, amazing writer. I know, but he passed away. He had a great joke. He had a great joke. He said, when I think of my grandmother, I think, what is it?

Three words. What a lesbian. That's a great joke. Tight, concise. What a lesbian. Hilarious. You. Tight, concise. What a lesbian. Hilarious. You should be able to say, this is my favorite Mitch Hedberg joke,

and then just say it. And then get to do it. I like rice when I'm in the mood for a thousand of something. Wouldn't it be great, though, if African would go back out and be like, any requests? Yeah. It'd be great to go back out

and see if anybody wants you to do any covers. Did they do a show like that in New York? Cover a comic. Comedy covers. It's called Sticktick or Treat. It's on Halloween and you go as another comedian. Oh, I've seen the Burr one. That guy crushed.

Get, get, get, get! Get out of here! You want to talk about this guy? We're all supposed to get in a fist fight now? I'm going to fight this guy that I don't even know? That's it. Beat the shit out of him. That's it.

So good, Dan. So what happened to Sujitha? I'm sorry. So she's kidnapped. She's in a room. Angry man. She's not kidnapped. Suhita. Right.

He's very secretive. Parents didn't even bother because who wants to deal with his anger? Anger. During the day, as everyone was at work, Raman and Suhita would have the house to themselves. Hey. Nice. They could mill about. Sure.

Rent free. Stretch out those legs. It's like you're a human. Here you go. Meanwhile. This story is getting sadder. We're coming back home. Get back in the room.

Get back in the room. If it's India, I'm picturing a very big house. Yes. Enormous. Meanwhile, police looked fervently for Sahitha at the time of her disappearance. She reportedly didn't have a cell phone, and there was no reason for authorities to suspect she might have been with the then 24 Raman. The couple's secrecy regarding their relationship stemmed from their

differing religious backgrounds. They reportedly feared the response they would receive if they were to take their relationship public. Do I even have to be here? It's Shakespeare. It happened. Dan said it. I know it's happening. Throughout the years. You read the story earlier. Was that why Shakespeare was on his mind? This is triangulation. No, when you said

a whole bunch of people writing one works. What's really going to bake your noodle is what you would have broken it if I hadn't said anything. The oracle. Right? I turn into bees. Do it. Oh, my God. How did Pete die?

He quoted The Matrix. And then you turned into bees. You did this. The spoon was already back. You straightened it. I wouldn't mind dying if that's how I... Is this Wakanda Forever? And then you did that?

It was sort of like a piece out of Wakanda Forever. No, nobody owns this i think no i've spent the last 30 seconds wondering if i'm gonna be in trouble for saying houses in india aren't always big i'm sure there's lovely parts of it can i say this to camera yes there's lots of different sizes of houses but it is but it is known as an overpopulated area thank you i would say i would say houses in New York are small. Instead of peace out, this is peed out. You guys.

Peed out. Okay. The decade-long mystery finally began to unravel. Oh, I go back. Throughout the years, Sahitha occupied herself by watching a small TV with headphones, reported the Indian Express. Because the room was not equipped with a bathroom, she would go through the room's window at night to relieve herself.

They have a system. Oh, my. Sorry, Shawshank. They have a system. The decade-long mystery. It's impressive to say I like my wife anyway. Andy crawled through the 500 yards of tiny Andy Dufresne. I'd like to say I'm the one who won the latest.

I'd like to say my Sahito was discovered by the system. You know what sucks? He's going to die at some point. We're all going to be like, everyone on Twitter is going to be like, voiceover. He was great. He was a great actor. It's just going to be voiceover.

Who's going to do the electric company? It won't be me. Okay, here we go. It's going to be me. The decade-long mystery mystery you know you know by the way our our desire is to do a reboot of ghost with patrick swayze now and only whoopi goldberg can see him yep so it's like we could do it wait patrick swayze deceased yes is in it yes he is the ghost goldberg relaying his lines yes he is actually is actually the GOAT, like a real-life GOAT. The real people don't see him,

but Whoopi apparently sees him. And no one in the movie sees him. No one sees him. Or the crew. Or the crowd or the crew. The audience at home either. I want a documentary about when it was okay to make that joke.

It's still not. I think it is. It is? I think it is. Maybe. But it wouldn't have been. No, buddy. Where were you when Swayze...

Swayze went crazy. Swayze got crazy? The decade-long mystery finally began to unravel. She's pooping out the window. When, about three months ago, Saitha There's no system that saves you. finally left Raman's house for unknown reasons. The same day, Raman reportedly got in a fight with his family and also

left, and soon after, his family filed a missing persons report on his behalf. Meanwhile, Rahman and Sahitha, they set up in another village. According to the Indian Express, it was there that Bashir spotted his brother by chance and uncovered the couple's secret, thus bringing

the mystery to a close. The Indian Express, so just rumors on a train? Tom Hanks, it's animated. Police brought the couple in front of court. Faces don't look right. Where Rahman explained that he hid Sahitha for all those years out of fear that his family would not accept her. I'm going to ask you guys this, and then we'll move on to a second story.

You mean the girl we've seen hanging her booty out the window? We knew, Rahman. We knew. We all knew. We all knew. You wanted that. That was your thing. We let you have it. Your cast is the brother. No makeup. You're just a white guy in the family going, we all knew. You wanted that. That was your thing. We let you have it. Your cast is the brother.

No makeup. You're just a white guy in the family going, we all knew, Robin. Everybody knew, Robin. It's never explained. I was there in American Man. Well, he was adopted. Come on. That's my brother, Dan.

How many yards away was Robin's house When Sahitha ran away To be with him So how far did she go From her house To his house And then for the next Ten years In yards

Yards How many yards away Alright what do you think Seven yards Seven yards Seven yards I'm saying they could Easily throw football

She's basically shitting Into her own backyard I'm gonna say Fifty five yards Fifty five yards I'm going to say 55 yards. 55 yards. I'm going to say 100 yards. I will tell you this, and then we will move on to start here. If it's seven yards.

546 yards. Okay, now. Wow. Still close. Three blocks, four blocks away. Five football field. I really, this whole time, was picturing her right across the street. I mean, yes.

Like when you say neighbor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're three blocks away, you ain't my neighbor. No. That's true. You're some lady. You're someone in the neighbor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If you're three blocks away, you ain't my neighbor. No, you're not. That's true. You're some lady. You're somewhat in the community. You're in the community.

Maybe I see you. Community members out. Unless you have a dog, I don't see you walking by too much. If you walk three blocks for a cup of milk, you're insane. That's right. I tase you. I tase you and I bag you. Do you have a cup of milk? I bag you and I take you back to your house. How come I haven't seen you? Who are you? that's right I tase you I tase you and I bag you do you have a cup of milk

I bag you and I take you back how come I haven't seen you who are you that's right that's story number one oh my god 10 years

just down the street alright that's it in the book sounds like a romantic comedy yeah I mean it's all how you spin it I mean his anger issues

are gonna get in the way of that love I'm telling you he put it on he was a Billy Crystal. And he was very funny and sharp. And then he'd go out and he'd go, Nobody talk to me about my room!

And then he'd try to be mad and think he wasn't really mad. Mad about room? Okay. There you go. First story is down. Pete Holmes is with us. We're going to find out what he's doing next, which is really cool. On the other side of this break, don't go anywhere.

Be on news.com slash weird. Stick around. Look us down. There's more Don't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got a couple things we want to talk about on our end, and then we'll find out what Pete's doing. Daniel Van Kirk is on tour.'m just saying that he's coming to

so many cities November 19th 55-ish cities go to DanielVanKirk.com Daniel say it again DanielVanKirk.com it's okay you're my Ellis Island

but I changed it back Yeah yeah yeah I'm Island Ellis Yes So Daniel Please go see him You got to If you haven't joined

The Patreon For Dumb People Town If you haven't joined The Patriarchy I recommend I recommend It's a good system It's working for us

It's $5 a month And we have a Patreon as well Randy and I do do, called Sklar Brothers, and we're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats, our old classic show, Cheap Seats. And so do I. Five bucks. We all got one. Come hang out with us. Let's do it.

Dan has one too. What else, Randy? Pete, you got a new show you're on. A sitcom. I'm so excited. Are we allowed to talk about it? Can we say it? A sitcom.

A sitcom. Yeah, that's why I was actually having a coffee with one of the wonderful producers, David Hollander, and I was like, what am I doing? Why did I schedule this coffee? This close to a thing. Before this thing. That's why I was 15 minutes late. Don't sweat.

Because I'm sitting there with my boss. Yeah. And I was like, I'm so fucking dumb. Yeah, it's okay. And I was like, I gotta go. That's why you're here. I gotta go. I gotta go.

I gotta go. So you play a bowler. A professional bowler. This was inspired by the time you bowled on that Nerdist show that we did. That we all did. Remember that we hosted? That was so fun. Don Draper reference number two. Yes.

John Hamm was there. John Hamm was bowling on there. This whole episode is like a sinkhole of references. I love it. I love it. Yeah, I don't really bowl a candle pen in the old Boston. Sure you did. Sure you did.

For sure. But it's about, I mean, here's the most interesting thing. It's the only time I've gotten the note bigger. And I love that. Oh, that's great. Like, I love doing Crashing, but it was very small. So small. Super small.

And beautifully small. Small and real and beautiful. Wouldn't change it. Personal. But now it's more like theater or something. It's a show. It's a performance. It's a performance.

Yeah. It is acting and it's performing and it's together. And I got to be big and I got to have fun. In front of an audience? Only a small one. Yeah, but still. Your timing is based on their laughs and you hold it for something. And then for the later takes, you're doing an impression as if they're still laughing yeah pretend like they are yeah you're waiting like kind of hammond

they're not out doing anything sure um i really love the experience i love the the best thing about it was that it wasn't my show everything i've done up until this point it's something that i created a wonderful talented writer named mark gross wrote this. As I mentioned, David Hollander is one of the producers. So it's a really great team, and I just show up. And I don't mind having a big flabby mouth about this. When I was on HBO's Crashers, I would look at the people that were just there to act. Wait, did you call your own show Crashers? You mispronounced yours.

Always HBO's Crashers. Good to know. Always HBO's Crashers. Cras know. Always HBO's Crashers. Crashing, wasn't it? It's crashing. When I was on HBO Mix, you mean HBO Max? I don't know. Oh, I should say on HBO Max.

On HBO Max's Crashers. I'd look at the other actors with the most intense jealousy I've ever felt in my life. Because they're so free. They're so free. And they have fun. They were always having fun. They had the energy for bits. I'm literally moving people off their marks.

I'm thinking about the cut. Not that I'm a fancy special boy. Anybody that's running a show... The finished product is on your shoulder. I'm thinking about it. I'm going, are we going to cut this scene? What a waste of half the day that we came to this fountain and we're going to have to move the whole thing. You're also thinking half the day that we came to this fountain yeah and we're gonna have

to move the whole thing you're also thinking about the things that are happening next week when this actor is off the show that's right thinking about that that's right it's so it's the difference between driving your family to disneyland and getting a lift going to disney yes right and i got to go to disneyland that's it so i'm not pretending to be happy for it i'm like happy to do it. So Bob Odenkirk, I'll never forget this. We saw him when he was just started Breaking Bad. So we were doing UnCabaret and we're in this like, it was downtown and we're like in this broom closet with him.

We're like, what's going on? What are you up to? And we didn't even know. He's like, I just started doing this show. I just started acting on this show. It's not my not my show you know similarly yeah everything he had done was like i love just showing up doing my thing and leaving almost drinking an unkabernet yes drinking an unkabernet uh but just showing up and doing my thing he's like my only fear is that i'm not good enough right i was like well that is so crazy. That's the imposter syndrome of like, if I was bad in a scene in Crashing

or didn't feel great about it, I'd be like, well, I wrote it. So everybody can kiss my ass, because I wrote that thing! But this, if you stink, you just failed, you had one job, just be the actor. But it was really, I don't want to say it was easy, but like, if you learn your lines

and if you can like handle if you like acting it really is a dream gig I'm really grateful the joy of knowing your lines and then being able to play that's it to know your stuff so well that like you go in

and you're like okay now I can actually be really present and I can just enjoy it not that you should know your lines but like to know what you're doing so well that it's just enjoyable

we're like nerd comedians. We're people that read books and stuff. I didn't read books until after college. That's true. You read the Bible. But I read the Bible before college. And the Torah, as you boys might know. Thank you.

Or the Talmud. Either or. Either or. As you boys. As you boys. I've never felt more conscious than you. Don't include Dan in that. Dan's not in that.

Are you chosen? You're not chosen. No, no. You're chosen. Oh, no. Chosen by God, Christian, Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit. The real God, not our God. Full chosen.

You guys are like 5,000 years ago you were chosen. But you've got to re-up that juice. Dan and you are like new Coke. I get it. Oh, my God. We'd beat you in a taste test, but if you had to finish the whole can you're going I'm neck deep in a built-in like glass walled swimming pool on the side of a church wall It was a real mitzvah

Is aware that I was baptized at a mikvah I'm just trying to keep you guys involved. Is it weird that I was baptized at a mikvah? That's a Jewish thing. I liked it. Did you know baptism is a death ritual? Right, you're drowning. I'm impressed that you knew that. It's imitating you're drowning.

You're dying. It's a death ritual. You're born again. You're dead. So you're born. It's supposed to be scary, kind of. But isn't that based on this is the huge difference between Judaism and Christianity,

which is Christianity believes that you were born into sin, and so you have to drown out the sin, wash it away, get out. And Judaism's like, you haven't done anything yet. You will sin probably someday, but you're a blank slate when you come in. That's interesting. That's a major difference in the philosophy of the human being. I am going to agree 100% with what you're basically saying,

and there's no disagreeing. No, saying, and there's no disagreeing. No, I mean, there's no disagreeing. There are also levels. Also, Christians, there's a lot more recruiting involved. I just watched, so Doug Stanhope did my podcast today. I watched his, he has a very funny bit about how Jewish people don't want you. They don't recruit.

They don't want you. They're supposed to, when you try to convert to Judaism, the rule is supposed to refuse them three times. You're supposed to deny you twice. Yeah, twice. And the third time they accept you. And you work for a year. This is how Joshua got Rachel, I think. Maybe.

Out on friends? That's on friends, right? Out Jews. Josh and Rachel, will they, won't they, was a whole thing for years. I'm going to be embarrassed. It's probably not Josh. It's probably Jacob. Too many J's in there.

And then Jesus shows up and sort of ends Every yeah, Jesus, so you were a bowler just kidding When is the show can we say what it is and when it is well I had the working title of small wood because it's loosely based people saw photos of me in the pilot They were like that's not how small he holds his ball and I was like guys Buckle up for disappointment. Yeah, exactly. I'm going to be able to bowl like a real master bowler, who actually

has a pretty unique style. I just do it like an actor doing his best. Right, right. He does it like a professional bowler. You're like Danny McBride in the way he plays. In a lot of ways, in my waist, in my face. In eastbound and down. Was he not very good at baseball?

Well, he's not a baseball player, but it didn't matter because you're like, oh, this is a comedy. I'm not in it for the- I don't think there's going to be lots of bowling, like close-ups of me bowling. Right, probably not. If there's ever an episode that hinges on me looking great bowling, I don't know. We won't be in the master. We'll be on your face. We're not going to be in the Y.

I thought they might have a stand-in. Maybe. Or two stand-ins. A stunt bowler. A stunt bowler. A stunt bowler. Why is he pulling in a trench coat? Because there's three kids,

God damn it. On HBO's Crashers, there was one stuntman that was 6'3", or something. Stuntmen are not tall people. It's not a tall man's game.

Danger isn't a tall man's game. Send in the giraffe? No. Oh, there's a flaming plywood. We need someone to jump through it on a motorcycle. Get the small guy. Tom Cruise does his own stunts. He's down there anyway. He's down there.

While you're down there, might as well do some rolling. While you're down there, hang on to that plane wing. That's right. How hard is it for you to hold on to a plane wing? As far as you're concerned, everyone's coming out of a volcano anyway. I'm holding on to a plane wing. That plane is airborne for five minutes before my feet leave the topic. Let me tell you right now.

I am long. That is how tall Pete Holmes is. How tall is he? That plane is taking off, and Pete Holmes is still taxiing. My feet are in a different time zone. Feet are still at the jet lag. Oh, you guys want to do a second story? Let's do a second story.

Here we go. Ready? Small one. Sent in by Deidre W. at Sweet Deeds. D-E-I-D-S. Sweet Deeds. Sweet Deeds. I've never met a deer dry I didn't enjoy.

It didn't look lovely. Headline. He's been asking Walmart to pick up its trash. I love the vagueness of it. It says it's from the Sun Journal, which I think is Newline. He's been asking Walmart to pick up its trash. I love the vagueness of it. It says it's from the Sun Journal, which I think is New Mexico. Or maybe Arizona. Dan, they could have started this article with, he's doing it again. Who?

Who is doing it again? He's talking to Walmart. Journalism is who, what, where, why, when, and how. Yes. You added an extra one. Who, what, why, where, when, and how. Who, what, where, when, why, how. It's six.

I don't think it's why. I think it's who, what, where, when, and how. I don't think it's why. It is why is in there. There is no how. And how is your wrong. Reading, writing, and arithmetic. Is this a good lesson?

The three R's? Yeah. It's arithmetic. It's not how. A Bethel man who said he's been asking managers at Walmart in Mexico and Oxford to clean up trash behind their stores was ordered to leave the Mexico property after employees saw him picking up trash next to the Androscoggin River. So we have a guy who's just trying to clean up.

Right. Why would you stop a guy? And they call the cops on him. You don't call a guy who's littering. You don't call a guy who is picking up trash. You don't call a guy who's littering. You don't call a guy who is picking up trash. You don't call a guy that's taking bullets out of a person and putting them in a gun. That's right. That's a medic.

That's a good guy. That's a medic. That's a medic. Ready for this guy's name? That's what I'm talking about. Tony Bennett, who I guarantee is not the Bennett we know and love. You know our Tony Bennett story, right? We told you our Tony Bennett story.

No. So Jay and I are in New York. This is when we're living in New York in 1995. Or 96. We just finished doing a set of- How do I hit skip intro? Hey. I'm just kidding.

I just wanted to burn you. I just wanted to burn you. So funny. It's so funny. It's so lean. It's so good. You haven't bored me for half a second. It's so funny.

I wouldn't have done it if it felt long-winded. I wouldn't have cared. One of my favorites when somebody's doing that is I look off to no one and go the check yeah let's get the check Val and I

had a long conversation on You Made It Weird where we were like check please is one of the funniest jokes of all time yeah all time

sorry love it check it let's go we're in New York I want to have kids who owns the movie rights to that story

and so Jay and I when we learned Hebrew there's the Hebrew word for check please We're in New York. I want to have kids. You just, who owns the movie rights to that story? And so, Jay and I, when we learned Hebrew, there's the Hebrew word for check, please, is, heshbon bevakasha.

Heshbon bevakasha? Heshbon bevakasha. So you'd be in a conversation with like, hey, do you hear heshbon bevakasha? Yeah.

So, so we're in New York and we just come up from doing a set of comedy, came up to where we were living in midtown Manhattan. We were living at 55th and Broadway and we were there. Terrible.

Horrible. Such a wonderful place. Oh, near the Hustler Club. No, this is Dorman Billings, right by the Ed Sullivan Theater, like one block up. Still horrible. We come on and you come out at like 57th and 6th. Yeah.

And you're walking by the Parker Meridian Hotel and in the Parker Meridian there was a karaoke bar down below at the time. And we're like, we walk by and I don't know why we're watching it

but we like, we walk by and someone's singing I Left My Heart in San Francisco. Tony Bennett. They're just singing it. It's a piano bar.

Guy was playing piano and regular people could sing. Regular people are singing. I love that as soon as there's a piano in a bar it gets titled. Right. It's a piano bar. Piano bar. It's a piano bar. Guy was playing piano and regular people could sing. Regular people are singing. I love that as soon as there's a piano in a bar, it gets titled. Right. It's a piano bar.

Piano bar. It's a piano bar. We turn to our right and who is walking down the street with like a young, hot woman on his arm? Tony Bennett. He's on a Segway, I'm assuming. No. Speaking of, let me go in a different direction. And he walks up to the window and watches the person sing,

I left my heart, his song. And he turns to his lady, his guest, and says, his escort, let's call her what she was. Wow, you should be in hospitality. And will your guest need a coat check? Someone comes and takes a huge pink coat. Oh, no, that's not his guest. That's his wife.

Chesh bomb of Akasha. So Tony Bennett just looks in there, and Jay and I watch this whole thing go down. He nods to her, she nods to him and smiles, and they walk off into the night. We were like, how crazy would it have been? And again, this is 96, pre-internet, no one can film it, nobody can do anything.

If Tony Bennett walks into the Parker Meridian, walks up on the stage, picks up the microphone, and just sings the end of the song, just the end of the song, if he just sings that, gives the microphone back, he'd get a standing ovation. My mind would melt. And then he'd go out in the night, and every single person who was in there, which was probably like 12, would have the greatest story for the rest of their life. But see, this is how Bill Murray lives. Yes.

We have the same brain. Were you of their life. See, this is how Bill Murray lives. We have the same brain. Were you going there too? I was. Eat a french fry. No one will believe you. No one will ever believe you. So it just, to us, we were like, we can't believe that that's true. Because you get to that level, you can just bestow joy on people.

For the rest of their life, you're giving them the story of their lives. No one's upset. Because we all still deal with like, they wouldn't know who I am. No. But when you know they would know. I did a corporate in Maui and they were like, we're putting you at this other hotel. We don't want anyone to see you. That's actually nice.

It's a surprise. And I was like, no one is going to know who I am. I want to be very clear. What if I grabbed him? No one is going to know. So what they did was they took you to a village and put you in a locked room. But you know what would happen? You know what would happen?

When you're up on stage, someone would go, I saw that guy walking around the hotel yesterday. And you're like, that's not where you know him from. I did like being in a different hotel, but it wasn't for any illusion of like, oh my god, that's the surprise? They had a meet and greet after the show, which further illustrated

the fact how little people know. Nobody can. Tony Bennett said he's advised managers at both stores. I love that too. Just a civilian advising people. You know what you need to do at both stores. I love that, too. Just a civilian advising people. You know what you need to do with this place. I love that. That he's had enough of the trash building up outside their stores.

I'm with him. He said when he saw hundreds of face masks, empty Walmart bags, Dunkin' containers, and used diapers spread out and obviously raked on the riverbank Wednesday morning, he couldn't stand it. I love this guy. They literally just raked the trash down the banking, he said. They raked from 20 feet to the pavement all the way to the bank, and they dumped it over the bank of the wall, the leaves and debris and garbage. It's 100 feet long. It took that shit to the bank, bro.

And he said, I'm done with this. He said he told the manager Wednesday morning, you're the manager, and you're allowing this to happen in River Valley? I love that, too. It wasn't called River Valley. Yeah. Don't let it happen. That's where we get our name. You're going to destroy it. He goes on to say, 164 miles of

Andeskragen River, 3,530 miles of watershed and you're allowing your store to disrespect us like this? I imagine that. And you're not doing anything about it. This is his Attica. It sounds like if he were Brody Stevens. 350 miles away. Yes.

I've been to the Addis Gorgon River. I've seen what the watershed is like. Trash everywhere. You got it. I'll kayak. Stand up. Paddleboard. Learn to do it myself.

You got it. Yes. 779. Till I die. I've been on whore tents. All right. Bennett spent the morning picking up the garbage behind the store, but after employees noticed him, managers told him to leave the property.

When he didn't, Mexico Police Officer Lawrence Briggs arrived and Bennett left on his own. Yeah. Store manager Scott Huddleston said Tuesday that the Corpus office in Arkansas. But Scott Huddleston was actually a Loki. Am I right? Yes. 100%. All right.

Contacted someone to clean up the trash but he didn't know when it would be done. Speaking by phone later Wednesday, Bennett said... Oh, he's got a lot to say. Oh, yes. I can't wait to hear what he has to say. You got a pocket full of quarters. I don't like to get so emotional.

So he does not like to be feeling emotional. I don't like to get so emotional. You do not have to yell, sir. I'm so involved in all these things. I've got other shit that I should be feeling so emotional. Yes, I don't like to get so emotional. You do not have to yell, sir. We can hear everything you're saying. And so involved in all these things. Your phone is in the air. I've got other shit that I should be spending time on. This is my favorite part.

I've got grandkids. But if I don't do it, who the hell is going to? Well, it is Arkansas. He could be in his 40s. Yes. He could be our age. Sober. Arkansas.

Arkansas. It's a guy in a mask. Yes, yes. Or elaborate violent riddles. Yes. And you have to leave Arkansas. It's a guy in a mask. Elaborate violent riddles. You have to leave Arkansas. So when I got into bed last night with my wife, I just pulled the covers off and I was like, well, one day closer to death. As a joke.

And she was like, that is not funny. Do not ever say that again. So I imagine that's what's going through his head as he's picking up trash. These are minutes that I could have had with my grandkids. But if I don't do it, who the hell is going to? Sir, are you going to start crying? Your fucking grandkids. Get these kids.

Rope them in. They sound stupid. Kids love being roped into a grandparent's project. They love it. A GPP? Yes. Are you down with GPP? You know me. I guess. He'sparent's project. They love it. A GPP? Yes. You down with GPP? You know me.

I guess. He's a kid that won't do it. He said, cut to his kids. Kids, you need to come in here and FaceTime with your grandpa. I know he lives three streets away. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope.

Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. Does Tony Bennett say he's been trying to clean up this garbage and they have not addressed does he say yes, okay, Pete? You get your guess you can get along this he's how many years you know He doesn't like to get emotional or involved with things. He's got other shit that he should be spending time on I'm gonna say he put up with that shit for Two years two two years Jay. I'm gonna say seven years seven Two years.

Two. Two years. Jay? I'm going to say seven years. Seven? Let's just say five years. This is to me like surrounded. This guy feels more highly strung to me.

One of you is one year off, so you all get the option to go up, down, or one down. I'm going down to four. Okay. I'll go down to six. Okay. I'm going up to three. There you go. He's been dealing with this garbage shit and not spending quality time with his grandkids because of it for three years.

Oh, this is in Maine. Mexico, Maine. He said, I can't walk away from it anymore. I love Maine and I love the rivers. I love the ponds, the lake and the wildlife. And I'm not going to let corporate Walmart shit all over Oxford County, Maine. Sir, someone just asked you if you wanted a coffee. They can do it to the rest of the country and the rest of the world, but they're not

going to do it on my watch. That's how you know he's old. He's got a watch. He's got a watch. Are we on your watch right now? They're not going to do it on my watch. If you're in my view, you're on my watch. Bennett said Walmart should build a 10-foot high fence along the whole area and the side of the river.

I guarantee this guy says hollering. Of the river to keep trash from flying down and banking to prevent snow plows from pushing the snow mixed trash into the river. When this guy dies, all it's going to say on his tombstone is, and another thing. Yeah. He said the Oxford store, as of Wednesday morning, was starting to clean the woods behind the property. This is the final quote from him, and I love it. He got so worked up. Of course he did.

He comes all the way back at the end, and he just goes, they're trying. They're trying. He's settled down. They're trying. They're trying. That's all I want. I'm not going to. I'll reserve my anger until I see how hard they try.

This guy's an American hero. He is. He cares about Maine. It's not TNT. He's getting a movie. I'm saying it's going to be on Peacock. Hallmark Channel. He cares. He is. It's not like Time. It's not TNT. He's getting a movie. I'm saying it's going to be on Peacock. Harm Hallmark Channel. He cares.

He cares. That's it. Why would you call the cops on a guy for caring about the environment? Yeah, no, that's what I mean. It's a good movie. Agreed. He's this generation's Native American on a horse with a tear. Except the tear is going up into his eyes, shooting out of it as a laser.

He's blaming his grandkids. And it's right into the ball sack of Johnny Waltz. We've got to hit all four quadrants. It's a four-quadrant joke. Story number two, friends. Dan, give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in Act 3. A Florida woman thinks she saw a dinosaur. There we go.

All right. And Patreon fans, we had a little discussion with Pete for you that you won't hear anywhere else. This is Dumb People Town. We have one more segment. Stay with us. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. We have one more segment. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town.

All right, Dan, take us home, buddy. Ready? Sent in by Quincy Lowry, at Quincy Ann Lowry. Thank you. I love your season. Florida woman still thinks she saw a dinosaur in backyard video.

Can I tell you one thing? Birds are dinosaurs. Also, she could have just seen an alligator. Yeah. I saw a fucking... I saw my ex-boyfriend. I call him a prickthiosaurus. Okay.

Okay. Okay. And after we make love, his prickthiosaurus. Okay, that made no sense. I'll show myself. He's got a tyrannosaurus dick. Sorry.

You know how the T-Rex has little hands? He's like that, but with the ding-dong. Hey, all right. Never seen a dinosaur dick. Sorry. You know how the T-Rex has little hands? He's like that, but with the ding-dong. Ding-dong! Never seen a dinosaur dick. No. Do they have them? Maybe that's why they went extinct.

Folks! A Florida woman is doubling down on her wild claim that she saw a baby dinosaur running through her backyard. Doubling down implies something to lose. Don't do it, Diane! Also, you could have just written, a Florida woman is doubling down. And go anywhere you want.

That meant she was eating a KFC sandwich well. Yes. I did see it, I'm sure. She's tripling down. Two months ago, Christina Ryan, all C, no H. Her security camera caught a tailed species running on its hind legs through her property. Although only seconds long, the middle of the night viral video still has heads spinning. There's never been an answer to what it was, even despite asking neighbors.

We are still convinced it's a dinosaur! Exclamation point. Do you know who I wish had seen it? The two guys on the Boston guys on the boat who's trying to explain that it's a baby. Dude, it's a baby fucking dinosaur. It's a baby wheel jay. Dude, you're not going to believe it. It's a baby fucking dinosaur. It's a baby wheel, Jay. Dude, you're not going to believe it. It's a baby fucking dinosaur.

It's a baby. They're pulling in like a sunfish. It's a baby wheel, Jay. And they think it's a whale. Dude, you're not going to believe it. Dude, look at this whale. That thing's hurt, bro. It's hurt.

That thing's hurt, bro. Jay, it's a baby wheel. And you never hear Jay talk. Just the guy talking to Jay. Jay, that's a baby wheel, Jay. Oh, my God. Wheel? Is it a whale?

I just typed it. It's a baby. It's like Vern. You never see Vern. Yeah, you never see. Or Ross. Jay says it's a fucking big sea turtle. It's a baby fucking wheel, man.

Holy shit, we are witnessing a baby fucking wheel right here. Wheel? Wheel. I think he's trying to say wheel. Holy shit, that thing's hurt, bro. That thing's hurt, bro. It's a baby dinosaur, Jay. That's a baby dinosaur. What choice did I have

growing up in Boston other than comedian? Because of who you are. Because of who you are, yes. Look at that fucking wheel, bro! That's not me. What can we do? So, baby dinosaur

running through and she's convinced. She's doubling down. There's never been an answer to one of it. What can we do? So baby dinosaur running through, and she's convinced. She's doubling down. There's never been an answer to what it was. No one ever doubles down on a fact. Yes, I'm going to show it to you. There's never been an answer to what it was, even despite asking neighbors. Well, if your neighbors don't know, nobody knows. Three blocks away, neighbors?

Yeah. We are still convinced this is a dinosaur. Palm Coast resident Christina Ryan, who spotted the thought-to-be-exinct creature in April. I haven't seen the video. It's not. Let me just say this. You live on a coast covered in palms. That's your reward.

Shut up. Shut up. If a dinosaur goes through your backyard, keep your mouth shut, Christine. Keep stirring the sauce. When she first captured the footage, Christina immediately jumped to prehistoric conclusions. Quote, any animal- Prehistoric conclusions meaning her brain capacity? Yes.

JK, I believe. Yeah, I do. I'm on your side. Any animal who can come up with what would be walking at 3.40 in the morning wouldn't walk this way, Ryan told the Orlando outlet. Tiny doesn't mean anything. Maybe I've watched Jurassic Park too many times, but I see a raptor or some other small dinosaur.

Wait, you see a fake species they made up for that movie? Raptors aren't real. What is seeing it too many times? That's it. Paused. Oh, that's a fucking dinosaur, bro. Do it, bro. Do it again. Do it again. That's a dinosaur.

That's a fucking dinosaur. I think it's a shaved dog. But it's running. It is running like a little raptor. Full screen it, bro. It's a baby fucking wheel, Jay. Close that fucking ad, Jim. Close that ad.

Close that ad, Jay. Look at these three. I'm calling him Jim for the bit. It is running very weird for whatever it is. It is fine. It could be a cat. It's a dog, dude. It's a dog, bro.

It's a dog, Jay. I'll a dog, bro. That's a dog, Jay. Wait, I'll do a Pete-style slow-mo. This is for the Patreon people only. Wow. So what do you think it is? You don't think it was that. Go back here. Pete, what do you think it is?

For real, for real, what do you think it is? Look. It's not a dinosaur. Could it be a kangaroo? Maybe someone brought a kangaroo into Florida. Ooh, that's not a bad bet. I'll bake you, Dick. You'll double down on that? I'll double down on kangaroo. Maybe someone brought a kangaroo into Florida. Ooh, that's not a bad bet. I'll bake your dick. You'll double down on that? I'll double down on kangaroo.

Thomas Middleditch was in a movie called The Final Girl. Pencilheads or something? Okay. Fucking... Dude, you're not gonna believe it. He's in Pencilheads. I don't think it's Pencilheads, but it's something like that. Okay. Remember the Montauk monster do you

remember that no i don't fucking interdimensional space being washes up on the shore okay fair you give it a gook it's fucking weird you give it a gook it's got like a fucking beak in the body of a fucking dude it's a fucking monster it wasinterheads. That's the movie. So they go, what the fuck is this? People taking pictures of it and shit. A portal opened up. This fucking dino knows about this fucking thing. It runs out of the portal. And he knows the Montauk monster's mother.

Fucking big old fuck. That's right. So he goes after it. This thing goes viral. It was in the early days of the internet going viral. But it went viral. Anyway, the official statement was it was part of a promo for the movie Splinheads. There you go.

Guess who knows the guy in Splinheads? Give him a ring-a-ding-ding. What does he say? No fucking way. That has nothing to do with it. That has nothing to do with it. It's not even a special effect movie. Jesus.

You think to promote the movie Splinheads we dropped an interdimensional? Since then I've seen some almost convincing people being like, it's a raccoon or whatever. Yeah. But I do tend to just go like, you just put it on. I don't have a clitoris, but you just put it on your clitoris of wonder and you just let it go. Maybe, maybe what? Maybe let yourself feel something. Let yourself feel something.

Do you feel a little something? I feel a little something. You do on this. You think this could be supernatural. I think it's a kangaroo. When people see pterodactyls, give that a goog. Give it a goog. People spot T-Dax.

T-Dax Shepard. You ever see a T-Dax Shepard? That's a prehistoric, baby. It's a prehistoric star chips. Does a prank show. He was in chips. Commenters on the video had more realistic explanations, citing Komodo dragons or other large wizards. That's right.

Wizards. Lizards. Some say a large bird, but that makes no sense since whatever it is appears to have front legs. So not sure, said Christina Ryan. Also, Komodo dragon is stupid. No. Yeah, it would be too long of a joke. She said, I'm sticking with a raptor myself.

I hope we put this up on the Facebook page and people will tell us what they think it is. I'm pretty sure raptors aren't real. I think there's cryptids, right? I think there's cryptids out there. What's a cryptid? Cryptid is your Loch Ness, your Bigfoot, your cracker. I'm an early investor in cryptid currency. You are.

I believe in it a bit. It's really taken a hit. Did you say, I believe in it a bit? It's really taken a hit. Did you say, I believe in it a bit? It's really taken a hit. Those are our stories, my friends. There we go. Pete Holmes. I love it when you come by.

It's always good, clean fun. You made it weird. We made it weird. Well, it's the same feed. So same feed. Well, on Friday, we started doing it. They're my favorite. Val, this is so corny.

No, it's not. You and your lovely wife. Val is the best guest. She's the best guest. It's just like we never prep and we always have lots to talk about. I love it. We do it when we have our babysitter and it's like one chance to like really talk like grub. I love it.

And we love it. So that's on Friday and Wednesday as guests. And this Wednesday, Wednesday's coming out. Wait on it. A couple weeks. I will say Brett Goldstein from Ted Lasso, he plays the babe soccer player. Yeah, yeah. So fucking funny.

Phenomenal. So even if it's not the newest one, go back and find it. I always tell people, Joe Hartzler and June Diane Raphael, those episodes. Oh, yeah. I've recommended those to a lot of peeps. Listen to this clip. I'm going to play you a classic clip. Oh, I love it.

Do you mind? No. It's not to promote the show. It's because it's so funny. Let's play it. Please, please, please. Put it. Listen to this clip. I'm going to play you a clip. Oh, I love it. Do you mind? No. It's not to promote the show. It's because it's so funny. Please, please, please put it right up to the mic. Katie Fishel, who animates Sex is Weird on Instagram, she animates it. This is a clip of Brett on my podcast talking about Great British Bake Off. Let's hear it.

I was howling in my car. Let's hear it. What do British people think about Great British Bake Off? I think they love it. Oh, okay. What do you think about it? I think they love it. Oh, OK. What do you think about it? I've never seen it. All right.

But I've got no hate for it. It seems like a lovely thing. People like British bake. They're so nice. Great Britain likes it, too. Britain likes it, too. I mean, Paul. You get lovely people on it, right?

Paul. Paul. Hollywood. Paul. Hollywood. Paul. Paul. Paul.

Paul. Paul. Paul. Paul. You all right, Paul? Oh, good. Wait. Hello, Paul.

Oh, yeah. You all right, Paul? Oh, yeah. Paul. Yeah, Paul. Oi. Oh shit. it sticks out my cake is balls well if I uh set it behind the rib cage and it just cuts the collar bars oh shit wait this is on Netflix why is this

on why is it on Brett wasn't invited back to the bake after his I love it he hasn't even

seen it and he found it it got really hot in here I love it very I love it Brett wasn't invited back to the to the bake it. It got really hot in here. I love it. I love it. I wasn't invited back to the tent.

We'll go to the bake-off. Check it out. Check it out. And who knows, maybe we'll make another appearance on that show because we love it, guys. It's been a long time since we've done it. IP. Yes. Intellectual property.

In person. In person. We've never done one. Dan should definitely do one. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll do it. We'll talk about the Lord.

We'll speak in tongues. Who was a Jew? He was Jewish. He only asked Jewish people to be good Jews. And let's talk about the great Jewish breakup. If you want to hear Pete and I just sing third day songs to each other, we will roll deep. Oh, God.

I love it. Don't tantalize you guys. That's it. That's all for us. He did raise on the third day. For this show. He was a resurrection, not a resuscitation just know that little sandy patty el shaddai I'll roll deep with you oh wow Jesus Dan don't show all your cards right now guys and that's the show guys and oh shit we gotta get

back to work dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum dum stick around make a sound Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Pump it down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.