Dumb People Town - Pete Holmes - Pringle Grigio

Episode Date: March 12, 2019

This week, Pete Holmes joins the show! In Story 1, a man's dentures become evidence in a burglary investigation. In a Stitcher Exclusive interview, the group discusses the challenge of tackling the comedy world on TV. Story 2 brings us a man who tries to attack a neighbor with a stun gun and a ulu knife. Story 3 is the tale of a woman on a scooter drinking wine from a Pringles can outside of a Walmart for hours.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population homes. Peter Jackson. I walked into a ruse of my own making. Population homes. Peter Jackson. I've walked into a ruse of my own making. Peter Jackson Holmes.

Peter Jackson Holmes. Have you heard the lore? I'm sorry. We've come homes. We've come homes. We've come homes. Peter Jackson Holmes. You just did a documentary about the war where you just removed everyone's audio. Is that?

He did one where he put audio back in. The World War I documentary. It's supposed to be unreal and depressing. You did a World War II documentary where there was audio and then you just removed it. And they put color in, too. Yes. Even though they seem to do a really great job, I don't know if, as film TV people, you watch and you're like,

I can tell it's ADR. You know what I mean? All of it. Someone's like, hey! Hey! Put down that apple! I'm sure it's great. I was of it. Someone's like, hey, hey, hey, put down that apple. I'm sure it's great. I was watching Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid on the plane on the way here, and there were a couple of scenes where they're riding on horses where I was like, that was not on a soundstage.

I can hear the echo of Robert Redford saying, Yeah, come on over here. Bad ADR. They're totally in a big empty soundstage doing their thing. There was that Gilda Radner documentary and it made me so sad. Just watched it.

The whole thing made me super sad. Of course. Because it's pre-therapy comedy. I made this point on my own podcast where she's just like, and every laugh

and every clap I get, that's love. Like she doesn't like, it's before we started figuring out that no, it's not. It's not love. And then she was like, and I should have gone to that wedding and I should have been

at that funeral but I got an opportunity to be here and film a picture. And who doesn't want to be in a car with Jack Lemmon in the desert? And then they show the clip of the movie and it's so clearly footage of a car in the desert that they shot with a bee crew and then her on a sound stage and they're like blowing dust at her. And I'm like, sweetie, please you're not going to be there. You're not going to be there.

It's not really an adventure. It's a laborious day. She might have showed up. I want to be there for the B-roll day. Maybe have a camera feeding wine. My favorite accidental comedy therapy is in Birdman. Birdman.

Who plays his ex-wife? Michael Caden. Yeah, but who plays his ex-wife? Michael Caden. Michael Caden's in orbit situation. But she leaves the room and she says your biggest problem is that you always confuse adoration with love. And I was like, oh. That's a good one.

I know who was his ex-wife, Monique. Monique. I'm actually mixing that up with a Steve Harvey interview. Can't stop watching it. Can't stop watching it. Wait, is that a real thing? Oh. Is that a real thing?

Steve Harvey interviewing Monique. I learned that all you have to do before saying something really mean to someone is be, you're my brother. And then you can say whatever you want. Wait, Monique was mean to Steve Harvey? They were. No, they went at each other like lifelong friends with cameras on. Wait, on the Steve Harvey show, he had Monique on.

Legit mean? No, not mean, but personal in a way that felt like... Calling each other out. You know how on a talk show, the greatest moments, if you're on a show, as you had your own talk show and whatnot, the greatest moments were... How dare you bring up my failure? Well, no, I thought it was a success. Failure, it got made. It was a success. It got made. How did this get up my failure? Well, no, I thought it was a success. Failure, it got made. It was a success.

It got made. How did this get made? Nice, me meant something. Kind of a little bit. A little bit. But the idea that, I'll take that. If it was a personal,

real, actual moment that happened between you and a guest, that is always the best, okay? And that is what you want, is what you're looking to achieve is not a canned moment or a real thing.

Troy, you're looking to achieve in your, in crashing. In crashing, which we see many moments real moments hashtag real hashtag This money this was too real this is like I want fake give me something like give me Steve Around on a hovercraft What did they what how did she dig deep into Steve Harvey? Electrical tape How did she dig deep into Steve Harvey? That's a fake mustache? That's electrical tape? That's not a mustache. That's electrical tape.

It was such electrical tape that I stood on it. I thought it was my mark. There you go. She felt like she got blackballed because she turned down money from Netflix when they were giving other people more money. And Steve was trying to tell her, yes, I agree with you, but you have to play the game because so many people in my family rely on me, my kids and my children. And then she says,

yeah, but you're putting money in front of integrity. And he said, I got people that count on me. People I won't look in the eyes that count on me. All right, guys. I'm going to...

When will that stop being funny? That is always funny. Always. Do you always hold up your baby and do that? All right, guys. We are in. I'm going to. When will that stop being funny? That is always funny. Do you always hold up your baby and do that? I haven't done it yet. You need to do it. I haven't done it. Hold a naked bird. Live action Lion King is coming out.

It is? Yes. With real animals. I got to go. You got to hold it up. We've done too much. You got to hold your baby up. Hold your baby up.

Go into your meditation chamber, which I hope still exists, or is that the baby's room? The med-cham still exists. Med-cham still exists. Go to the med-cham. Hold it up. Hold the baby. I have started tossing her and stuff.

It's super fun. It's the most fun. I love a good toss. You can't break her. You can't break her. They don't know how much they also should appreciate the catch, but they love a good toss. They love the toss. She giggles. I can't handle it. It can't break her. They don't know how much they also should appreciate the catch, but they love a good toss. They love the toss.

She giggles. I can't handle it. It is the fear and the danger. Here's the deal. It's the danger of not, of... My baby loves a good anticipation, too. Because I go, one, two, three. And then she laughs at one.

She doesn't laugh at the journey. She laughs that daddy's getting ready to be a silly belly. She knows you're about to get into some material. I fucking love it. She's like, daddy, here come the bits. Speaking of which, she needs new material. She needs new bits. You can kill her with bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah.

And then you get the phone out, bah, bah. And she's like, stone cold Steve Austin. She's giving you zero. She's going to tell you whether or not. She's saying I put money before integrity. There is a saying in basketball that if the referee calls a foul, and it shouldn't have been a foul, then the other team goes to the line to shoot a free throw.

Someone will say, if they miss the free throw, they would say, ball don't lie. So ball don't lie. You shouldn't have had that call. You shouldn't have had that free throw. You missed the free throw. Why? Because ball don't lie.

Wait, the ball knows that it was a bullshit call? The ball knows it was a bullshit call. Ball don't lie. We're putting a lot on the call. Ball don't lie. We're putting a lot on the ball. Ball don't lie. Because balding people are inflating with air and consciousness. So when your daughter doesn't laugh, what are you doing? Ball don't lie.

Ball don't lie. She's not going to laugh at your joke. Bald. Don't lie. She's pretty bald. Ball don't lie. She's got a fuzz. Let's get into this because you're bringing a child into a world that we fear is getting

dumber. We have to fight back with comedy. We need to fight back. FB with C. Dan, yes. Thanks. That's it. FB with C.

Fight back. Why am I spelling it out? You got it. Because we're worried that the world's getting dumber and they don't get my... You have to stop. Instronyms. That's great. Instant acronyms.

Instant acronyms? Instronyms. .org. I'm not on it. You guys are the funnest. I don't know what it is, but you kind of feel like a surprise party. Every time. It's like a good surprise.

You walk in and balloons fall. Here we go. Every time. You said Randy and I are the posts in your comedy hammock. We put you in. Yes, that's right. Did I say that? Yes.

Really one of the nicest compliments. That's how I feel. You gentlemen are. And Dan pushes it. Dan pushes you. So there's nothing better than to have you in the hammock. I'm in the muck. Dan comes back and is like, you want some lemonade?

Are you good or not good? And it's strawberry lemonade. All right, you ready for this? Yes. Sent in by Jamie Dorsey at WienerDogCrazy. All right. She loves them. She loves them.

Or she hates them. She's got too many. They're making me crazy. She loves him. Or she hates him. She's got too many. Bryant, Arkansas. I don't remember us being in Arkansas. Is that a guy's name? No, but it could be. That's like you're in a bench. Bryant, Arkansas.

How do you spell your last name? Forget it. AK for short. Common. It's Arkansas, Kansas, right? Yeah, we know. That is. A man remained in the Saline County Jail Wednesday on an unrelated charge after police say his dentures were found outside a Bryant home where a family believes he tried breaking into their car and home.

That's a person who wrote one whole sentence. Sir. Whoa. Do we have any DNA? do we have any DNA? Do we have any DNA? Do we have dental records? We have denture records. We have denture records.

So he's trying to break into a car and a home. So he has no plan. No. And I was kind of saying. Trying to bite his way in. Well, he said, let me take these out. That's like a woman where like, here, hold my purse is when some woman's about to- Hold my nine wests.

Hold my nine wests. That means I'm about to throw down. Hold my teeth. For a second, they thought the Twizzlers guy did it. Yes. They were like, was it the teeth that tried to break into our home? Do you know- I'd shoot some teeth.

By the way- The satisfying- Just watch them explode. The sound of teeth cracking. I'd shit some teeth. Dissatisfying. Just watch him explode. The sound of teeth cracking. You know what I'm getting there from the Batman game where you throw batarangs at all the time. Oh, yeah. We're 40. Okay, I'm almost 40.

Just post-dating it. It's crazy for sure, Mark Mobley says. Mobley made the odd discovery in his driveway Monday morning. Quote, I was throwing some trash out in the trash can. Oh, good. That's where he's putting it. Ham on the ham plate, putting on trash in the trash can. It's gone in the trash can.

What's the deal? But once you're recycling, now it's a bin. You don't put it in the recycling can. No. Same shape, different color, now it's a bin. Who don't put it in the recycling can. No. Same shape, different color. Now it's a bin. Who wants the compost? Who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

Still garbage. I can't do it. I can't do the compost. Some people say receptacle. Looked down and saw a set of dentures. Yeah, we hope. Yeah, well, please. You never know.

You never know. Mobley called Bryant police thinking someone's false teeth might have been picked up and taken elsewhere by an animal. What animal? You know. An eagle. Carrier pigeons. The talent. Eagles got a great sense of humor. An eagle. Carrier pigeons. The talent. Eagle's got a great sense of humor.

I said carrier pigeons, but. My thing is, and I've said this before, why is it that people with no teeth always look like they're chewing something? Yeah. They're looking for them. They're looking. They're like. They forget. Maybe empty gums are fun to play with.

That's true. And phantom teeth phenomenon. Oh, yeah. It's phantom teeth phenomenon. Oh, yeah. It's phantom teeth. Phantom leg. Phantom teeth. Phantom teeth.

I love that they thought it was picked up. Like, just a dog running around with dentures in its mouth. I kind of believe that it was in the hardcore. Why bring an animal into it? This is a creative person. Not someone dropped their teeth. I agree. An animal. Mobley and his wife posted about the discovery in an online neighborhood page, which is...

Okay. Are you on, like... Nextdoor? Nextdoor.com and all that stuff? No, Nextdoor app. What's that? Nextdoor.com is like an app. But it's an app, too, right?

It's an app, and it's... Well, you got the app at Nextdoor.com. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Slash download. You say... You type in Nextdoor. Hey, I saw somebody suspicious, like, checking in the windows of cars. And in Silver Lake and where we are, you cannot even describe the person

because for fear of anything. For problematic. Anything you say is problematic. You just hope the person is. Right. Yeah. Even if you looked like they don't live here, people would be like, what the fuck does that mean?

It's an alien. Next door is just a chance for people to air every grievance ever. But they do. I've heard it's just neighborhood gossip for everybody. Gossip and arguments. Really? People who are like, you know what? I've had enough time on MSNBC and CNN.

Let's just take it on over. Let's bring it to next door. Where can I put this anger today? Or someone's like, is anyone going to pick up the tree that kind of fell down? And then someone else is like, oh, the tree is our biggest problem. And now that's a thing. No, actually, the bigger problem is your passive aggressive tone. And now we're into another thing.

At least they finally said it. Thanks, Pat, for cleaning up all the trash in front of the houses. Then someone's like, yeah, Pat, do you think I can't clean up my own trash in front of my house? And now we're into that. Oh, God. P.S. Have you seen my teeth? Mowgli and his wife posted about Discovery in an online neighborhood page. To their surprise, a man messaged them and claimed the teeth were his.

That's what I'm talking about. He then called them and admitted to trying to break into their car and into their home. Dude, don't... Just say, I'll take the teeth. Just say a bald eagle picked them up and dropped them on there. I'm calling about the teeth. They already have the story. An animal took them? Oh, yeah.

So what's your... Why is my car... What if he's like, I'm not giving the animals credit. I rob places. Yes, he wants the legacy. Yes. I also think they probably said, what's your name, sir? And he's like, I'm not giving animals credit. I rob places. Yes, he wants the legacy. I also think they probably said, what's your name, sir? And he's like, I did it. I robbed the thing. I'm the gum gam.

When they read the email, in their mind, did they hear like a gummy voice? Hello. X and L whistling. Buster, don't you mind taking any of them back? You just got to get those tapes back. Hey, listen. It's like whistling. I'm trying to and I need them back. You just got to get those teeth back. Hey, listen. It's like whistling. I'm trying to do the whistle for you.

Hey, all right, listen. Listen, I just brought those teeth back in there. You got those things and I broke into your car. I broke into your car and I broke into your house. Sure thing. Sure thing. Sure thing. Suffering.

Summer. It's like the guy from Winnie the Pooh. Yes. Fun fact. Do you know the fun fact about the gop guy from Winnie the Pooh. Yes. Fun fact. Do you know the fun fact about the gopher in Winnie the Pooh? No. The reason he keeps saying, I can help you out with that. We'll get you right out.

No problem. Here's my card. I'm not in the book. I'm not in the book. Because he's the only character not in the actual book. So he keeps saying, I'm not in the book. Inside baseball. 360 cannonball into a quarry on that one. I'm not in A.A. Milne's book. That's great. He's not in the book. Inside baseball. 360 cannonball into a quarry on that one.

I'm not in A.A. Milne's book. That's great. He's not in the book. So, yeah, this guy did not have to serve up. Oh, I'd love to get him. I was there earlier trying to break into your house and car. Couldn't do it. Can I get those Denchies?

I'm actually in your neighborhood already hanging up wanted posters of myself. Look to your left. Have you seen? I'm in the window. Have you seen this man? He's just posing in them. It's like a cutout. Have you seen me? Notice me. I'm in the window. He's just posing in them. It's like a cutout.

Have you seen me? Notice me. It's just the frame. Old toothless robber. Wanted me. This is a Home Alone sequel. It is. I know.

The Toothless Bandits. And then the guy's name is Reichard. Reichard? Yes. Not Richard? No. It's R-E-I-C-H. I can't even spell this. The third Reichard Yes Not Richard No It's R-E-I-C-H I can't even spell this

The Third Reichard Yeah Don't The Third Reichard The Third Don't The Third Reichard is Jews Oh wow

I'm not a big fan Not a fan The First and Second Reich I was on the fence I didn't know And then the Third Reich Comes along And I'm like

Don't like it John Reichard That's how I feel About the Third Matrix That's't know. And then the third right comes along and I'm like, don't like it. John Reichardt. That's how I feel about the third matrix. That's what I said. Third right and you're out. Godfather 3, also horrible. On par. Oh, my God.

On par. Everything in the third. That's funny. Not a fan. John Reichardt, who really wants everybody to know what he did and how he failed, he told the woman, the wife, on the phone that he had tried to break into their vehicle outside. He then told her that he also attempted to break into their house before falling asleep in their flower bed. Wow.

He took his teeth out. It is a bed. It is a bed. That's why they call it a flower pillow. You ever sleep on the floor? Where's the flower pillow? You're sleeping with the daisies. Call it a bed.

Where's the pillow? Where's the pillow? Talk about a pillow. Wait, it's sleeping with the sleeping with the daisies. Call an event. Where's the pillow? Where's the pillow? Talk about a pillow. Wait, it's sleeping with the fishes pushing up daisies. Jerry, I think it's him. Jerry, that wasn't right. It doesn't matter. It's all you guys. Hey, say it in my voice. He called them

and told them that he tried to sleep in their flower bed. He took his teeth out to sleep and then forgot them. Dude, you can't try to rob a place. I tried to put it on the nightstand. And then be like, I'm gonna just go down here. How uncomfortable is it to

sleep in your fake teeth? Not as uncomfortable as sleeping in someone's garden. Do you think it was like he felt bad? Why is he telling everything? I think he was like, I just need human connection. This is the plot of the movie Crash. I need you to know me.

Yeah. I need you to, you've held my dentures. He's been waiting to get caught just for a human connection. Just to share the story. Okay, so how many people who know John Reichard have said to him in his life, okay, just get to it. We got it. Just get to the end of the story. What is the point? What is the point?

What is the point, John? Then I rolled my window down. It's a cranked window because I have an older car. John, John. I actually replaced the alternator. We don't care. Now you're on to things

that don't have anything to do with it. Then I considered murdering all of you. Okay. Let's rewind back. Hang on, John, John. I took out my teeth. John, John. I know.

It has a very Red Dragon feel to it if you've read that book. Okay. The couple told police that the story, quote, seemed very weird. Mobley then reviewed surveillance footage from the cameras outside of their home, and that was from capture the night before. Footage shows a man poking around the cars and possibly trying to kick or push open a front window. poking around the cars and possibly trying to kick or push open a front window. Loeble says the man is shown meandering around the property for nearly three hours between 2 and 5 a.m. No wonder he got sleepy. Yeah, I get tired.

No, just looking for a nap. I can't. I can't. He wanted to break into the car to sleep on a cushion for a while. That's right. I like the idea that when you're just saying that is he just walked around this house for three hours going, I can't. I can't. I'm not good at this. I can't do it. Where. I'm not good at this. I can't do it. Where would I even begin?

I need a friend more than the contents of that cup holder. Should I stick around? The man believed to be in the video is John Reichard. Oh. He was also wanted on an unrelated warrant. When Reichard called the couple again while the Bryant police were there, they convinced Reichard to meet them so they could give him his teeth back and book him into jail on the warrant. Feels like a trap. I know.

Don't go to a second location. As of Wednesday night, Reichard does not face any charges for possibly trying to break into Mobley's car or home. Definitely they gave the police station just the address of the police station, and Reichard pulls up and is like, where are these people? I know. Where do they want me to meet them don't no girl got no 800 number

yeah that was a great old comedy bit whose bit was that somebody's like yeah you go to the club you meet the girls oh that's funny don't no woman

had no 800 number that's so funny there was a girl years and years ago on my podcast it's one of the hardest times I've laughed on my podcast

where I was telling a story about hitting or flirting with a woman and then her giving her my email and I emailed her what I thought was like

a very, I read the email. This is like very appropriate like I'd like to go out sometime. And she like didn't reply and Eliza Schlesinger was a guest

and she goes, did you get the email right? And I went, yeah, info at Vistaprint.com. And we laughed so hard. And I laughed at my own joke. I was like, that is a great joke. And we laughed so hard. And I loved it my own joke.

I was like, that is a great joke. It was the perfect joke. Bakers love their own cakes. That is the name of my LLC. Bakers love their own cakes. Incorporated. Freaking great. Why can't I love my own joke?

I do. We were pretty shook up, Mobu says. The Bryant Police Department received attention after posting information about the incident on the department's Facebook page. Uh-oh. Quote, that is what we call taking a bite out of crime, which doesn't even work. I like taking a bite out of crime. Yeah? I would rather this.

I want to take a Will Smith movie on Netflix out of crime. Why didn't we like that movie? Which one? Which one? Bright. See, you don't even know what I'm talking this. I want to take a Will Smith movie on Netflix out of crime. Why didn't we like that movie? Which one? Which one? Bright. See, you don't even know what I'm talking about. I tried. Did you try?

We all tried. Did you finish it? I'll follow Will. Did you finish it? I did because it was a sauna movie. All right. I'm a fancy boy. You had the time.

You had the time. I'm in a sauna. I'm wet. To change it on the iPad is very slippery. You leave your teeth. These are issues. In a sauna movie. In a sauna movie.

Does Bright hold up? Do you think Bright holds up? It never works. That's so funny to say. Does a terrible movie hold up? Yeah, I mean, it's pretty much the way that you saw it the first time. Does Coyote Ugly hold up? It does. Does this Flying Butchers

hold up? No, ironically no. We'll get out of here on this. Let's play a round of Guess the Steven Agee. How old do you think John Reard is? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price.

Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Here's what you know. Up late at night. Yep. Sleepy. Sleepy.

Can't. Can't. Will sleep anywhere. Has dentures. Dentures. Has a conscience. Yeah. Has a conscience. Can't break into a car. Ne Has a conscience. Yeah, has a conscience.

Can't break into a car. Needs a friend. Sleeps in a flower. Doesn't have enough strength to kick open a window. Shares a little too much. All right, so how old? And Pete, you can go first, Tig, which is in between the two of us, or third when guessing. So you can go first, Tig, or third.

Tig. Okay. Jason, go. I'm going to say he's not as old as we think he is, but he's still old. So I'm saying 54. 54 years old from Jason's school. I was going to say 47 before you said that. You still can.

You can still say that. There it is. Lock it in. 47. 47. Our age. Our age. I think he is 67.

67 years old. I think this is an older man. Okay. It's an older man. It's like there's a guy on his last leg. It's like a what you say, Sonny. We'll get out of here like I said on this. This is a going in style. Play along, townies. Wherever you are

right now, say your age of John Reichardt because he is. I'm going to say he's as old as they made Mahershala Ali. Oh, how good. Don't talk. Don't say anything else about it. I haven't seen the finale yet. There's a lot of great HBO on Sunday nights. OMG, Trudy and Crashy.

Trudy and Crashy. Are you ready? John Richard is 32 years old. No! No! Meth. Yeah! Wow.

I'm back in Chicago, and every bar is playing that song. Remember that? Remember those days? Meth took his teeth away. Love brought them back. Did he? Meth took his teeth away and Nextdoor.com Do you think when the cops were there to arrest him he was like, wait, they don't want to be friends?

Yeah. That's all he cared about. What did you guess? I guessed 54. You win! That's what I was looking for. It is. Who did I guess? What did you guess? I guessed 54. 54. You said 40. You win. Yeah. That's what I was looking for.

I thought I won. You got it. Pete Holmes wins in the first story. When we come back, more with the great Pete Holmes, and we'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make it sound. For more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. We got Pete Holmes with us. Dan, do you have another story for us? I do. All right, let's do it. Thank you. Sent in by Timothy Chance at Sir Chin Ho.

Timothy Chance the Rat. You complete me, ho? Yeah. I guess. Yeah, I watched that. Ocean Shores, Washington. Ocean Shores, Washington. Ocean Shores, Washington. Ocean Shores police arrested a man they said tried to attack.

Yes, but where is this? Where are we? I mean, I would love a description of where we actually are. It's probably at the base of Mount St. Helens. Is it at? Ocean Shores police arrested a man they said tried to attack his neighbor with a stun gun and a Yulu knife what's a Yulu knife?

what is a Yulu knife? you only die once that doesn't even work but it kind of works Yulu Yulu lose your life you only lose your life

that's a Yulu that's a Yulu knife it's like off brand Yulu can you tell me Yulu? it's actually Yulu it's Yulu it's a Yulu knife it's a knife made out of a Yulu? It's actually Yulu. It's Yulu. It's a Yulu knife.

It's a knife made out of a Yulug. I don't know. Brendan, one of our great engineers and producers, if you could throw up a Yulu knife, that would be great. Yulu knife. Yulu. You guys aren't filming this, are you? No, we're going to put up the Yulu knife. Yeah.

It's like, oh, I looked this up. It's an Alaskan knife. It's native to the people of Alaska. It's used for cutting like whale blubber and a whole bunch of shit. It's an intense knife.

It's a handle. Whoa. It looks like an axe type of a... It looks like something like Mario would have to time his runs under. Yes.

Like it's coming from the ceiling and it chops down. So if you just took the blade off the guillotine, off the bagel biter. Or the thing off the bagel biter.

If the axe blade had a handle. Yep, that's what it is. It's an axe blade. Minus the long handle. It looks a little Lord of the Rings. If your arm was the handle and the thing that your arm...

It turns your arm into an axe. This is no one's first knife. If you own this, you've got 15 other knives. Yeah, I'm thinking about getting a knife. What should I get there? If you buy a Yulu knife, you should be on a list. Unless you're in Alaska and you're getting a sweet, sweet fat. I'm thinking about getting a Bowie knife, maybe a Yulu.

Get a Yulu. Get a Yulu first. Get a Yulu knife. Should I get a Yulu first? YOLO, baby. Don't be a dummy. Get a Yulu. He started yelling at me

that he's going to cut me and he had a knife at this point and he charged me. I ran around and spun. I tripped just like I did there. There's a lot of

not great writing in this. Tripping, tripping is... While someone's chasing you, I'm like, that is classic movie. What is it, Dracula? I know.

Do you know your neighbors? I know them by name. But is it possible they could come at you with a Yulu knife? Zero chance. No chance. Randy's neighbor. Let's just quickly, just explain.

If someone came up to you, Randy, and said, we found it. So my neighbor is a fake Marine. Fake Marine? Which was told to me when I first moved in in 2003. A valor thief? I was like, is he Marine? No, he's got a Marine haircut. Marine hat.

Marine hat. He flies the flag at half mass one thing. He's got a flag, and he's got a don't tread on me flag. He's always wearing aquamarine. His house is like a barracks. What are you, living in the movie The Burbs? I asked him, I would repeatedly ask him if he would hear sounds at certain times of the night just so he could repeat military time.

You hear that dog bark? Hey, Tom, you hear that dog barking? You know, last night, he's like at 0300 hours. I was like, yeah, at 0300 hours. Do you hear that? So he's a lot of like mess and this hall and that he drops a lot of terms if somebody said there was a dead cat how do you know he's not a marine because everybody in the neighborhood is like he was never in the marines i'm like with a lot there's a lot of smoke i have to believe it

if there was a dead cat in the street i'd be like tom can you please go get your knife can you please take care of that get the eel and he care of that? Get the Euline. And he would do it. We have a downed feline. That's a negative. When did it die? At 0500? That's a negative, Randy.

At 0500? I'm going to walk the perimeter. I'll let you know if I find any more. Exactly. I'm going to secure stuff. But I mean, I'll take a fake Marine over me. But if you told me that they dug up his backyard and found 80 corpses and solved all those crimes, I'd be like, this would be my crimes, I'd be like, really?

Really? This would be my response. I'd be like, next door neighbor. No. Well, maybe he has one. You don't know your neighbors. I don't know your neighbors. David Grant says, I ran around and spun.

I tripped just like I did there. The writer, come on. Oh, no. I think he showed the writer what he just did. I know, but we're going to— You don't believe that part, huh? He's like, I ran around and then I tripped just like I did right there. Hold on, hold on.

I'm getting this full quote on. And he swung the knife at me and just missed my back. The Grays Harbor County Prosecuting Attorney Office Wait, the Grays? Not Grays. Not the Grays left in indent.

The Grays Anatomy? The Grays Harbor. We only work on people that have been graze. No. Not the graze left in indent. The graze anatomy. The graze anatomy? The graze harbor. He grazed it. Graze anatomy. We only work on people that have been grazed. Prosecuting attorney on this. First you get grazed, then you go to graze. The grazed anatomy.

It's a medical show. For people that have been grazed. Did the bullet go through? Right by his shoulder. It grazed his skull. We'll bring him in. How long before we do Glazed Anatomy? Glazed Anatomy.

That's a porno. Put the syrup on the dick. Come on, guys. Let's place the cigarette out with the female. Thanks a lot, Pete. The female what? We just lost a family of nine. You should be ashamed.

This donut didn't start out as a cream donut. There we go. The Great Harbor County said the suspect is Lawrence Gade Rich. Gade Rich. Gade Rich. Ocean Shores police officers say they know the man, quote, very well. That is all you need to know. You know, somebody with a cigarette, like a police officer was like, classic Gade Rich.

Somebody with a cigarette, like a police officer was like, classic Gainrich. This next sentence has one of the number one reasons why I wanted to do this story. Grant said the threats happened Saturday around 1.30 p.m. outside of Ocean Lovers Apartments. If you're living there, it's the opposite. The nicer and more tranquil your place sounds, the more dangerous it is to live in. The more that you vote like older English authors, like Canterbury Gardens, that's a horrible place.

That's like a prison yard. Ocean Lovers. Where do you live at? I'm over here at Ocean Lovers. So sorry. I'm Shakespeare Arms. I'm in the Shakespeare Arms. Isn't that where the mass murder was? Yes. That's where it does. It's going to be.

Ocean Lovers Apartments, where both men live. He said the tenants were fed up with the activity happening inside the man's apartment and reported it to police. Quote, it turned into a party house where he was inviting people from the bar to come stay here that had nowhere to go, and there were criminals, and who knows what, said Grant. All of us with kids have been on edge about what's going on there in Number 3 with Larry. Number 3 with Larry. Number 3 with Larry. Number 3 with Larry is what they thought about calling 3's company. Number 3 with Larry.

Because Number Larry was the friend? Number 3 with Larry. Yes. Would have been a great name for the show. Could be a show on ABC next fall. Number three with Larry? How much did they want to spin off the Regal Beagle? You know they wanted to spin that off so badly.

Just imagine the stories. At the bar they were at? Yes. I would watch a period show made now about just the Regal Beagle. Just the Regal Beagle. Yes. Everything, like a piano bar in there. Yes.

Just how red the tablecloths were. Everything about the Regal Beagle. Reg Big. And it was like San Diego so like the air was warm yet there was carpeting. Everything got trapped in it. Just the idea of like

a warm place. Just like there was some weight in the air when you walked in the Regal Beagle at all times. People smoking everywhere. Oh sure.

Police said they inside his apartment they found a Yulu knife they believe he used in the attempted attack. Okay. I wasn't really that scared of him because he's an old man, but he was intoxicated and drunk and on a rampage, and that's why I'd rather run from him than confront him, said Grant. Grant, nobody's asking you to defend yourself.

I'm so worried. I ain't no wuss. Right. Hey, look, he's an old man. No, we'd all run. Right. Everyone ain't no wuss. He's an old man. We'd all run. Everyone runs from a Yulu. That's the slogan of the Yulu. Everyone runs from a Yulu.

I would have stayed, but I was tired. Look, he's old. Roundhouse kicks. I rehearse them. Look, I understand that you're going to think I'm less of a person because I ran from a youth. Oh, my God. Stop.

Stop. But you don't. The fact that he's bringing that into his statement just makes me sad. That he feels like he's got to prove something. Justify it. Yes. This is one of the problems. This is one of the problems.

This is one of the problems. I have a bit on stage where I'm like, why do people get offended at fake threats? You know what I mean? Like, who are we trying to live up to? When someone's like, fuck your mother. You're like, what'd you say about my mother? It's like, he doesn't know your mother. He doesn't know.

Just lay it down. Right. And I say, you can say anything. You can even know my mother and say anything about my mother. My favorite when I was a door guy was the meanest things people would say. I'd be like, you, I want you to understand that right now, you're hurting my feelings. You would say that? Nowhere to go. Nowhere to go. There's nowhere to go.

What? What? That lot of that, what? And I'm like, you hurt? That hurts when you say that to me. That makes me feel bad. Yeah, well, you want me to make you feel bad? No, you already are. It's nowhere to go. I'll make you feel worse. There's nowhere to go. I'll make you feel worse and then you're like, you can't make me feel worse.

I've done that on Twitter a couple times. Right before I mute somebody, I'd be like, it hurts my feelings when you say that. Because then they're like, dude, what are you doing? That's how you get an apology real fast. But they don't know. You never saw it. Right. Exactly.

Hashtag mute. Ocean Shores police said Gatich refused to come out of his apartment when they arrived to the scene because he said he was afraid they'd arrest him. Imagine that conversation. We need you to come out, buddy. No. You're going to arrest me. No. We haven't said that yet.

No. Say you aren't going to. I'm not going to lie to you. I want to see that Yulu knife. Why don't you bring it on out here, buddy? You want to see it? They fought for that. Oh, look at the handle.

Oh, shut up, bitch. And then he's like, why aren't you running? Everyone run from a Yulu. That's what he yells as they're handcuffing him. Remember this logic. I'm not coming out there because you'll arrest me. Instead, he invited them inside his apartment. You can't arrest me in my home, bro.

I'm on home base. I'm touching home base. You can't arrest me. I'm on ghoul. I'm on ghoul right now. That's what home base is. You guys are arrest me. I'm on ghoul. I'm on ghoul right now. That's what home base is. You guys are like vampires. I invited you into my house and I can send you out if I want.

You can't prosecute me. What if you guys come in here? We'd be friends. We'll find out, buddy. Yeah. Stand my ground. You want a white cheddar chrisket? Stand my ground.

The police say he was reportedly intoxicated and acted belligerently toward the arresting officers. Of course. Said Grant, quote, it's been a lot more peaceful here since he left. Gaderich was booked into the Grays Harbor County Jail on charges of assault. In the second degree, he is being held without bail. That's story number two, friends. Can someone please call Shonda Rhimes and can we make Grazed Anatomy? I want Grazed Anatomy.

Do we tell you that? How about Cook to Grazed Anatomy? Grazed anatomy do we tell you how about cooked grazed anatomy grazed anatomy Jay and I played Siamese twins on grazed anatomy like when the show was really

Siamese twins who fell in love with a girl and we got separated because we wanted to see who she would fall in love with and in the end

wait she loved both of you well she wasn't sure she was with me but kind of in love with me I feel like I'm watching the show right now it is a show

so our dad when he was, may he rest in peace, our dad said after the show aired, and it was at a time when people on the networks, like 25 million people were watching Grey's Anatomy. Yeah. It was like at a time when people still watched Grey's Anatomy. There was appointment. That was good.

That was good. Great job. Points. At Pete Holmes. So our dad said, I'm crashing HB. Our dad said, you guys should,

afterwards, he saw it, he's like, you guys should call Shonda Rhimes. We're like, we can't. Don't have her. Don't have her.

Call Shonda Rhimes and tell her you want to come back on next week and have them sew you back up together. Which we're like, come on. That is ridiculous. Yeah, our dad said that.

Your dad who has a lifetime of twin sensitivity training. that is, was like, what if he sews you back up? Sews you back up. And we're like. That is ridiculous. Yeah, our dad said that. Your dad, who has a lifetime of twin sensitivity training. That is. He was like, what if he saws you back up? Saws you back up. And we're like, that is ridiculous. You guys look the same. He just wanted us to go back on the show.

Yeah, I get it. But part of me was like, that is the most Grey's Anatomy storyline. It's kind of the greatest storyline ever. At the end of that conversation, we're like, dad, why don't you call Shonda Rhimes? Yeah, why aren't you writing for Grey's Anatomy? I've tried spelling out Shonda. Shonda? I couldn't even spell rhymes normally.

There's an H in there somewhere. I can't even think of a word that sounds like rhymes that you would say. Let's take a break. I know. Let's take a break. Last story. Can you give us a little teaser of what our last story has?

I was sent this story so many times that that is a factor in the story. Okay. Pete Holmes is with us. One more story on Dumb People Town. Stick around. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Our guest is Pete Holmes. If you're not watching Crashing on HBO, binge it on HBO Go. This is the best TV show that's ever been made about stand-up comedy, and it's also about the human experience.

Oh my God, some of the issues, I don't want to get into it, but I think the episode's called Headliner Feature Opener. Oh yeah, the Me Too episode. It's so funny because we are on – It's a very good – We've talked about this on this show. We're on like an email chain with some dudes and a friend of ours in the Midwest

and a bunch of people in the Midwest who aren't – they're not in the business at all. There are some right-wing people, some left-wing. It's a mix of people on this thing. There are lawyers. There are ex-NFL athletes. It's a whole mixture of like. Ex-FL? Ex-FL athletes.

And so we would say to them. He'd hate me. We'd say to them, we'd say, this is, if you want to know what it's like to be a stand-up comedian. Oh, that makes me happy. Watch this show. If you want to know what we go through on a regular basis, watch this show. That's how I felt about the documentary Comedian. And when I met Seinfeld, I had a plan when I met

Seinfeld, I would tell him that. I did meet him, but I didn't tell him that. You didn't tell him that. But I was going to say, thank you for making that movie, because you could show it to your parents and be like, this is what it is. I still think of the moment in that doc when he's like, oh, my friends are on Wall Street, they're making all this money. Your friends? Yeah, I know. Before he even says anything. When Jerry's

just like, your friend? Who cares what the fuck they're doing? And I'm just like, yeah, you have to. And we still, I'm sure we all have those moments that aren't caught on tape. Right. But you just feel like, who cares? But sometimes you need, like something we say on my, or I say on my own podcast. Ugh, who have I become?

It's like, if you're following a dream. I know. We quote ourselves but uh if you if you're following a dream make sure you wrote it that's the thing so like what orny is doing in that moment is he's he's like mourning the loss of a dream that he's not following that he didn't write and seinfeld saying you can follow the one you did right this is how i feel about so many people are like like, I'm not doing this. Or even worse, they're like, I'm eating the ribs

and getting shit-faced every night. It's like, was that your dream or was that Anheuser-Busch? Like, who wrote that? Just like, you can do whatever you want. I love getting this out there. Do whatever you want. Just make sure you were the architect

of what you're doing. Love it. Right? Do whatever you want. Just make sure it was you. 1996, we had just, our TV show had gotten picked up on MTV. We went to Bowmore Lanes on 11th and University, right? Is that where it was?

12th and University. 12th and University. Thank you. I'm so glad you corrected me. Everyone's going to be like, well, this story doesn't make sense now. Okay, hard on 11th. No, everybody, go to 11th and university if you don't want to bowl. Bowl is on 11th. Bowl more

is on 12th. Yeah, if you want to bowl a little bit, bowl at 11th. And 11th looks like a split. And you bowl more. So we go to bowling with our buddy Michael Dugan, who's our show executive producer, and he brings Jon Stewart, who

had just gone through his show, the Jon Stewart show on MTV, and it was gone. And he said, we said, well, our show's going to go, and we're really excited, and we're nervous, and we were 24 years old, and we said... Both of you? Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, folks. Thank you. I'm your dad. Hashtag YOLO. May I rest in peace. YOLO knife. So he said, here's my advice to you. You're going to make mistakes, okay?

Just make sure the mistakes you make are your mistakes. I love that. Don't make other people's mistakes. He's like, because you can live with the mistakes that you make and getting heat for it or screwing up for it. But if you fall on your sword for someone else's mistake, you will not be able to live with yourself over that. It is the same thing. So if you live a life that's not the one that you were the architect of

and you failed it, you will have regrets on such a large level. You take a swing and a miss at the thing that you loved to do and it was your thing, boom. Just don't forget that we're dum-dums. You know what I mean? That's what this podcast is about. Advertising and movies and TV are always reflecting into us,

into our very soft, impressionable craniums. And we just go like, that's what success is. And we spend, sometimes you're 80 and you go like, the analogy is like, you climb this ladder

and then you realize the ladder was against the wrong wall. Make sure it's on the wall that you chose and then climb it. Even if it is the get drunk and eat bratwurst wrong wall, make sure it's on the wall that you chose and then climb it. Even if it is the get drunk and eat bratwurst wall, just make sure that's what you want. If that's your ladder. Don't do it because you're like, that's what it looks like

I should be doing because I'm in Chicago. Brant Burst. Brant Burst. That's right. Let's get to one more story. Oh, can I tell this? Yes.

I saw Trevor Noah at a party the other night, and he came up and he was like, Pete's gave me the best advice. I can't do it. He was like, he gave me the best advice. First try. I know. He gave me the best advice,

and I was like, oh, I love stories like you did where you quote me, say something great. To me, yeah. And he was like, when I got the Daily Show, Pete gave me the best advice, and he's telling this to my wife, and I was like, oh boy, here it comes. And he goes, he says to me, what's the worst that can happen?

It sucks, and they cancel the show, and then who cares? I was like, that was the advice I gave you? But if you can remember, it wasn't that great. I guess my show had just been canceled, and I was just trying to be like, and you know what I probably said was Johnny Carson had a talk show that was canceled. Jon Stewart that you just referenced. We've all been a part of it. It's fine. You're gonna do it.

It'll work or it won't and you'll be fine either way. That was my advice. But it didn't sound great in the retelling. But he did mean it. But he did and I've been reading and if you aren't reading this you absolutely have to. Gary Goleman's feed. Please read Gary Goleman's Twitter feed and his posts on Instagram. But what he said was, you want

to take the pressure out of a late night stand-up set or an audition or whatever. Stop thinking this is your only shot. There is no your only shot. This is one of 60. So go have fun with it. Go enjoy it because even if it goes bad and gets canceled, what's the worst

that can happen? You're going to have 59 more. So enjoy it. Enjoy it. And that's something that we try and show on Crashing is like there's not one break. There's 50 breaks. Well, that's what Jamie Lee says to you after you go. This is what I've been working for for six months. Can we just have one moment and talk about how fucking great she is and how wonderful of an actress she is?

So good. Like we loved her and always loved her as a comic and wanted to use her. We used her in this small thing we did when we were in New York, and she was so good at it. It was so fun to play with her. But I'm watching her on the show, and I'm like, you, my friend. She'd be real. She'd be real. Balled online.

Balled online! Let's get into one more story. Are you ready? Yes. I was sent this so many times. Okay. It's not a lot here, but there's a lot in it. Okay.

We're doing it. Wichita Falls Police received a rather unique call Friday involving, this is in the morning too, it's Friday morning, involving a woman drinking wine in a Walmart parking lot. Employees requested officers to ban a woman from the local Walmart store after she reportedly had been drinking wine from a Pringles can for several hours while riding around in an electric cart. That's the LaCroix of wine. It's got a little hint of salt in it. Friday morning. Once you pop, you just get stuck.

Friday morning. The court. Friday morning. It court. Friday morning. It was actually a tennis ball. That's kind of a bitch I could be. Friday morning, in an electric cart, drinking wine out of a Pringles can for hours outside of a Walmart. That's the DPT flag. She is living her truth.

Yeah. That's the architect of your own dreams. She is. She didn't see that anywhere. She That's the architect of your own dreams. She is. She didn't see that anywhere. She's like, you know what? I have an idea. We're out of chips. We have some wine.

Is that a golf cart? Here we go. She doesn't need walls. Not even a golf cart. It's a rascal. She doesn't need walls or ladders. Oh, my God. She's like, I'm going to drive up this thing in a rascal.

Right. Oh, my Jesus. The incident began shortly after 9 a.m. And she's already been there hours. There is nothing like a sour cream and onion Pinot Noir. I will tell you that from experience. Pringle Noir?

There it is. Pringle Noir. There it is, Pete. Actually, I would call it a Pringle Grigio. Pringle Grigio. Oh, Pringle Grigio! I can smell those Chicago bars. Remember that smell? Oh, of course.

Stale beer and carpet. It smelled like the Regal Beagle. Yes. One evening at the Regal Beagle. Just too long in the lion's den. The incident began shortly after 9 a.m. Friday. One officer, that means somebody around 6 or 5 a.m. said, where are you going, Shelly?

Shelly, she's very good. She said, none of your business. I'm taking the wine, Mom. You're not taking any glasses. I don't need a glass. Where we're going, you don't need glasses. To see any type

asshole. I'm going to get my flux capacitor fuel into the DeLorean. It looks like a Pringles. She poured it in. Shortly after 9am, this all began. Friday, when officers responded to a call on a suspicious person in the parking lot of the Walmart at 2700 Central East Freeway.

You'd think that the Walmart would be this sort of homing device. I mean, this is Wachita Falls. You have to add that to the walking tour. For crazy people. Yeah, yeah. But to me, she's cackling like the Joker in Batman as she's doing figure eights in an empty parking lot. Or slow figure eights. Or other end,

a lot of conversation to just her. Gonna tell me that I can't drive around on that side. I will go over here and I'll drink out of this can and I like to drive like this. No, I don't want your car. Get away. I don't want your car.

That's what it sounds like in her head, but it's really... And then her teeth fall out. Oh, that eagle fucking took him. You get away, eagle. I got to work tomorrow. At least it was a Friday. It's Friday and it's my weekend.

My weekend started yesterday. Ma'am, what tune are you singing? Today is my Sunday. Pringle Grisha. Pringle Grisha. If that's not the name of this episode, I don't know what is. Pringle Grisha. Officer Jeff Hughes of the Wichita Falls Police Department said police were told by dispatchers

that they were looking for a woman wearing a blue jacket and black pants. So she's a crip. The woman was reportedly riding an electric shopping cart more commonly used for people with physical limitations. Although she is not one of them. Officers. That's at Sklar Brothers. Officers.

That's at, for your concerns and comments. At Sklar Brothers. Officers were told she was drinking wine from a Pringles can. If you're the cop, you're like, just let's find her. Let's all come down and watch this. Here we go. Our Facebook may need some content. Does she have a hat or a cap? Or a cape? or a cap. Or a cape.

Hughes said the reporting party said the suspect had been riding around in the store's parking lot since 6.30 a.m. while drinking the alcoholic beverage. Nursing that one. I wonder how many ounces you can get in a Pringles can. Well, was it filled with chips

and then she was like, I have an idea. Like an alcoholic mush. They're still in there. You got a little bit more of like an alcoholic mush. Oh, no. They're still in there. Good for her. You think they're still in there? Definitely crumbs on the bottom.

No, no, she ate them. She ate them. What I'm saying was at six, she had a wine bottle and some chips. Yes. She ate the chips and then she was like,

let's side east, meet west. I'm a lady. I'm not going to drink out of a bottle. When officers arrived. Just the idea. I don't know why. She put it in the little container. I'm a lady. I'm not going to drink out of a bottle. When officers arrived. Just the idea. I don't know why.

She put it in the little container. I don't know why I'm picturing Bobby Moynihan in a female wig, pouring it into a cup, going, shh. Drunk uncle has become drunk aunt. Drunk aunt. When officers arrived, they found the woman in a nearby restaurant, at which point she was notified she had been banned from Walmart. First of all, what restaurant? Yeah.

What restaurant? Second of all, is that like a subpoena that you get served? You can no longer... Subpoena ratio? She's probably like, I was never in a Walmart. Hey, I'm banned from the parking lot. I never went in. It's the worst part.

There's nothing to buy there except all those cars. All right, we'll get out of here on this, and we'll close out this wonderfully delightful episode, Mr. Pete Holmes, by asking you guys. How old? Nope. Cup size? No. Pringles.

Pringles. Pringles. I should have paused. No, we'll take it. We can have it together. We can do it together. How many times do you think I was sent this story in the first two days? Okay.

That's when I stopped counting. Okay. I was sent so many people. On Twitter? Yes. For reference, we have 22,000 fans on the Facebook page. I believe that the Twitter account has somewhere around 7,000. But you need to keep in mind that people who don't follow it sometimes just tag you.

Right, right. So I will tell you this. It's not in the thousands. Okay. But how many times do you think? This story is gold. I mean, if you're a Dumb People Town listener and you see a headline that says, woman banned from Walmart

for drinking wine from Pringles can, you're like, she is the mayor of Dumb People Town. Where do you want to go? First, first, or third?

How many times? You want to go first? I'll go first. Okay. I won. Okay. You did win. Yeah,

it's like, take your crown. I'm going to give myself a handicap. Okay. Go ahead and make a crib joke. Okay. At P-Domes.-P-Domes. I'm going to say you got it 310 times.

310? Okay. 550. Okay. From Jason Sklar. 273. 273. 273 times.

That's a lot. I'm going to tell you this. You just $1. Overall, all of you might be right. Any of you might be right because I stopped counting after two days. I like this. I like this. In the first two days, and I will tell you this.

I should have told you this is average. If anybody wants to change after this information, I would say on average, a popular story, I get sent probably 15 to 20 times. Okay. So you want to change? Let's recalibrate. Okay. Yeah. Knowing that.

And that's a popular story. That's a popular story. I'm going to say you got sent. In two days. And it's only the first two Okay. Yeah. Knowing that. Yeah. And that's a popular story. That's a popular story. I'm going to say you got sent. In two days. And it's only the first two, not total. 71 times. 71. Okay.

Jay. 175. 175 from Jason. 110. 110. Oh, you just $2. Hold on. Hold on.

One of you guys, just to give you a little bit of credit, we won't play the deeper game, but one of you guys got within 14. Okay. That's pretty good. Okay. That's good. In the first two days, Townies, why don't you play along? Maybe you're somebody who sent this in, so you know that the answer's at least

one. I was sent this story. Oh, and if I didn't say already, the person who sent it in first first was Ben Potter at Potter Potter 100. Thanks, Ben. Thanks, buddy. You got in first, and it was a tight race because in the first two days, I was sent this story 61 times.

Oh! Good job. He wins twice. The show is crashing on HBO. If you want to know about comedy, watch it. It's a show that we love. If you want to feel like you know what your nephew or niece is up to yep

and if you want to see your weird uncle if you want to see a good friend of ours and by the way you are doing a fantastic acting job on that show I might say

might I say it's fun to watch no this is how you know it's good this is how you know it's good I am able to separate my relationship with you

and just appreciate it and enjoy it. It's not distressed. And the woman, no. That's the highest level of... I appreciate that. Yeah, because something happens. Like, I'll just say this. When you take the shot in the foreground and then go over to talk to Esty about your set

and then you go back to... Rainn and I both are like, don't do it. Don't do that. Jay and I were literally talking to each other. We're like, don't do that. Do not go there. Now, we know that's Pete Holmes, our friend, the actor, walking over. We know that he has to do that because that is a celebrity.

In real life, Pete Holmes, Esty is like, please perform here whenever you want. But we literally were like, don't do that. Do not do that. And that because an acting teacher once told us we should never, ever be watching an actor and say, that's great acting. You should watch an actor and be like, holy shit, life. Oh my God. Oh my God life did that and so life is harder. This is a difficult situation

and that's exactly what it felt. Oh, that's wonderful. So much more success to you. Please do watch it. Some people tell me that they're like waiting for it to amass and the truth is like right now, I'm fine but we're waiting to hear. Like other seasons I've been like no! I hope you do. And I am nervous but also like we did Like right now, I'm fine, but we're waiting to hear. Like other seasons, I've been like, no. I hope you do.

And I am nervous, but also like we did a really great job. You did a hell of a job. Amazing job. So like however it goes, it won't be because we didn't do a great job. You did a great job. And the woman who plays your mom. But please watch it. The woman who plays your mom, I just want. We need ratings.

Audrey. Audrey, classic Second City actress from the day. I mean, it is so good. And that scene is. That scene back at your home and all that. I was like, oh, I can watch these two go around. Very uncomfortable. I wanted to give her a shout out.

Because she was so good at capturing my mother that it was, that was deeply disturbing. I love it. That is perfect. My mother does sit on my lap. My mother does that thing. I called my mom today in the car because I was doing something by the airport. And so I had a long time in the car. Why did I tell you that?

Anyway, she was like, I remember when I told your girlfriend to put on a bra. And I was like, oh, boy. There it is on the show. Watch those jumps, guys. Watch those jumps. Pete Holmes, thank you for being on the show. And oh, shit, we got gotta get back to work dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb