Dumb People Town - Quinta Brunson - I Am Serious

Episode Date: December 24, 2019

Quinta Brunson visits town to hear a story about a woman who is asked to call an ambulance and takes care of business. In the second story, a Taco Bell employee shows a guest what they have for them. In story 3, a Florida man makes an unnecessary admission to the police. 

Star Pains, I know. We couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Tunker Down is Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.

Population U. Population Brunson. Hi. Hi, guys. Thank you for being here. So happy you're here. I'm happy to be in Dumb People Town. So many great things you have going on, including podcasts, TV show. We'll get to all that later.

Yes. There are much more pressing issues, like the fact that the world is getting dumber. Let's talk about the dumbness. Do you believe that it's getting dumber? I'm saying in the last 10 years, do you feel like we've started to go off a cliff? Yeah, I do. I hope the new decade

will change it. Do you really? That's so much hope. I know. That's so optimistic. Who are you, Obama? Jesus Christ. Let me have my hope.

I just hope it resets and then people decide to not, I don't know, I think they exhaust themselves. They'd be like, you know what, I'm tired of being fucking dumb. Yeah. It's a new decade. Maybe I should learn something. Right. I think that's. I think they exhaust themselves. They'd be like, you know what? I'm tired of being fucking dumb. Yeah.

It's a new decade. Maybe I should learn something. Right. I think that's what I'm hoping. A decade resolution. Yeah. Let's do that. I do think it is weird.

Dan, if they do a decade resolution, it's only going to go for like a month. And then they'll just give up. I'm going to work out. Like everybody joins. It's a whole decade. Everybody joins Planet Fitness for a week. And then that's it. Hey, no judgments. I know. Even if you quit Planet Fitness, a week. And then that's it. Hey, no judgments.

I know. Even if you quit Planet Fitness, they can't even get mad at you because their slogan is no judgments. Right. That's true. They'd have to get it. Hey, man, I'm not paying for this month.

What? You have to. No judgments. You said no judgments. So the world's getting dumber, and the only way we can fight back is through comedy. And our great fans send us the stories that many people get sent around, get emailed around all the time.

We have never heard them. The three of us. Quint has not heard them. We're in your boat right here. Dan has barely heard them, but he's sort of broken them down for us. And we are trying to understand why people do the things they do. Should we jump into a story right away? Let's do it.

Here we go. Sent in by Linda Hartman at LKHTMN. Do you want me to show you how old I am? Okay, hitman. I think her Twitter handle should be Linda Hartman. Linda Hartman at L-K-H-T-M-N. Do you want me to show you how old I am? Okay, Hitman. I think her Twitter handle should be Linda Hartman. Linda Hartman. What is that? Mary Hartman.

Mary Hartman. It's such an old thing. It was an old comedy show in the early 80s. We don't even know it. 70s, 80s maybe. It was like a really funny comedy. I think it was a satirical comedy show. It was a spoof of a detective show, and it was called Mary Hartman.

I'm going to look it up. That sounds cool. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. That was the name of the show? That was the name of the show. But Linda Hartman, her Twitter handle should be Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman. It should be, and that's a great name of a show, honestly. Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman.

No, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. That's really good. Did it have an exclamation mark? I think it might. It does feel like it, the second one for sure. Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Mary Hartman comma, Mary Hartman exclamation mark? I think it might have. It does feel like it, the second one for sure. Mary Hartman comma, Mary Hartman exclamation point. Mary Hartman semicolon.

Semicolon, Mary Hartman exclamation point. When Pat Sauer used to read the comma in Murder, She Wrote, like they do the promos after the football games, and he was a long-time football commentator, and he would be like, coming up after the game, murder game murder she wrote i don't know if that uh let me see this mary hartman mary hartman is an american satirical soap opera so i was writing that it was satirical that aired daily weekday syndication from january 1976 to may 1977 so it didn't last that long air daily that, that's why. Daily, bro. I know.

Pushed it all into a year. So it made fun of soap operas? Okay, by the way, produced by Norman Lear, all in the family of Jefferson. Directed by Joan Darling and Jim Drake. All right, we don't need these people. What production company? I need to know what streaming service is streaming on. I don't know.

I have to find out. I don't know. just look up Norman Lear it's real you can probably find him on YouTube so Louise Lasser was Mary Hart Louise Lasser

from Woody Allen's Bananas right amazing in that and a number of Woody Allen movies she was married to Woody Allen for years what?

I think no she wasn't yes I think she was I think she was it syndicated the network I don't know what it oh the production company is did you just steven a smith i know come on skip roads productions there you go i love that she was like what's the production company i gotta know where to stream

it i need to know if it's gonna be on hbo max uh cbs all access so you know i got you all right anyway so it just was, isn't that, it was a satirical soap opera, Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. So Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman, thanks for sending in. What's the story, Des? Are you ready? Yeah, that was so dumb. That was so much of a buildup just for the girl's name

who sent in, the woman's name who sent in. A man broke into a woman's home. This is from CNN.com. A man broke into a woman's home in Rochester, New York, and it didn't end well for him. That's right. Yes. Okay, so we are going to be in Rochester.

You are? Doing comedy shows. Is there improv there? No, there's the comedy at the Carlson. Oh, that's right. We're going to be there April 2nd through the 4th. All right, so a guy broke into this woman's house, and it didn't go well for him. People don't take shit up in Rochester.

It's too cold to be dealing with stuff. Yeah. You don't allow, like in San Diego, if someone just busts in your house, you're like, I'm gonna go to the beach. Right, exactly. Take what you want. There's some old milk in the fridge.

You know what I mean? There's that. But in Rochester, it's cold, and the mill closed down 10 years ago. We're all mad. Been looking for a reason to use my gun anyway. That's right. Give me a reason. I want you to break into my house. I want reason to use my gun anyway. That's right. Give me a reason.

I want you to break into my house. I don't think. Not with myself. As most people know, listen to the show, I don't do stories where like children are neglected or hurt or animals or I don't like stories where it's like, hey, a creepy guy broke into a woman's home while she was in the shower. Don't like those stories either.

This is going to take a wonderful The good news about this woman is she never showers. Right. That's the good news about her. Right. It really worked in her benefit. Well, he's gonna find out. Willie Murphy said she was getting ready for bed Thursday night. Willie Murphy said she? Yeah. She said... I love a...

Her name is probably Willie Mina. I love a girl named Willie. That is a great name, by the way. That is a good name. For a girl? Yeah. Damn, that's good. I met a girl last night named Tommy. Oh, really? Right? There was a show in the 90s called Sisters, and all the characters had, all the girls were sisters.

They had male, predominantly male-oriented names. I like a Stevie. Because their dad all wanted a- Stevie Michael? We knew a girl named Michael. Oh, yeah. M-I-K-E-L. Oh, a girl named Michael?

M-I-K-E-L, yeah. I'm going to name my daughter Noah. My daughter is Noah. No way. N-O-A. Noah. Don't kick me off, please. No, I'm sorry.

I'm not kicking you off. That's adorable. That's my baby girl. She's probably so cool. She said Noah. She said Noah, and I was like, that's our brother.

I know. And all the things. You can't get too hokey. I know. I said don't kick me off. No, I'm saying, nothing's off limits. You can't get too, you can go as far as you want with kick me out. Nothing's off limits. You can't get too.

You can go as far as you want with the hokey. Puns welcome. We will never kick you off. You're here. You're good. Willie Murphy said she was getting ready for bed Thursday night when a man began pounding on her door, urging her to call an ambulance for him. CNN affiliate WHAM reported.

I love that their news channel is just called Wham, but that's the whole, we could slow down that route. Wham news. So we were down in the Lake of the Ozarks, which is in the middle of Missouri. We grew up in St. Louis, and we're there, and the place that, like, the timeshare place that our family had a thing at, like, from years ago. Was it by My Dreams Boutique?

No. The adult store in, okay. It is, like, fallen. From another story. the the place is hard castle was your airbnb stop stop there the place has fallen off the map a little bit you know it's like not great and the people that were there there was like this crazy white trash family out by the pool and we were just out by the pool with my kids and like this guy had a cast and his hand was bleeding and he threw the cast yes and he came up to me and thankfully i didn't have it

out or anything he was like can i use your phone no oh no so yeah i was like why that i know right the best thing i will ever do what do you do in I believe, I go, I will use my phone for you. Yeah, that's what you do. Who do you want me to call? You know what I'm now doing? You know my approach to that? You say you don't have a phone. I'm going to pray for you.

This is still your thing? This is still your thing. You got to get crazy God on people. And they will like, I'm going to pray so hard for you. I'm going to give it all. I'm going to really get down. I might start right now. I was in a Waffle House

in Jacksonville, Florida. Stop right there. And the guy behind me... And that's the story. And I live to tell about it. Just said he was there with a girl. They weren't same siding. They were in the booth behind myself

and Andrew Youngblood and all. Or no, Andrew was... Wait, it couldn't have been Jacksonsonville i don't know but it was she really wants to know if andrew was there because i think no come on sorry andrew wasn't there sorry i saw a lot of dates all right so man and woman in a booth i can't remember who said this to me anyway the guy comes up and he goes does anybody here have a phone charger and i did so he was like my phone's died i really appreciate it i go don't worry about it he's like i just do it for me i go as long as i'm here you can use it if i gotta go and you're still here i'm gonna have to take it and he's like that's fine thank you so much so then he takes the phone charger he plugs it in and then he calls someone and

he needed to make this call so bad and he instantly instantly was like, fuck you, you piece of shit. And he started like, reaming. You do me like that. That's how you treat me. And I look behind me. I look behind me. And the woman who he had been having a nice dinner with was just like sitting. Like, she is left.

And I facilitated him at like 1 in the morning just going at someone. Sorry to interrupt. I'm going to need that. I'm going to need that oh my god it was so that's so funny did he thank you for your service uh yes so someone okay so someone's pounding on the door and she's and needs an ambulance okay which is a total lie that's a scam to get into someone's house oh my god the door yeah oh okay right you would have opened the door for him? Willie told WHAM she called the police but wouldn't let the man

in her house. Smart. Then she said he became angry and broke through the door. So she knew that he was... Yeah.

Yeah. She knew. Willie knew. She's getting ready for bed. Yeah. You know what I mean? It's kind of semi-dark and I'm alone.

But guess what? I'm tough, she said, bearing her arms. She picked up, or he picked, the wrong house to break into. Murphy is an award-winning bodybuilder. He said she works out at her local YMCA almost every day. Almost every day? He picked the wrong house to come into. I'm going to ask you at this point in the story because it'll make it so much more fun.

We'll play it early. How old do you think Willie Murphy is? I feel like Willie Murphy is 52. 52 years old. 52. 52. This guy was like, I'm going to get this middle-aged woman into her house. And she said, bullshit, I work out at the YMCA every day.

Working out at the YMCA might be an indication of- Working at the YMCA makes me want her to be older, like 67. I want her to be like 80. Without your official guesses? I think she's 67. I think she's 80, and you say she's 52. Well, now you guys are giving me stuff to think about. No, you might be right.

52, 52. We may be wrong. I say 67, and Randy says 80. This will make the story more fun now that we'll know that Willie Murphy, the woman who showed her muscular arms, said he picked the wrong house to break into because guess what? I'm tough. I work out almost every day at the World Wide. Is, get your answers in now, Townies. Yell it into your office chair.

Because Willie Murphy is 82 years old. Oh! Yes! And not fucking around. Oh, my God. As Murphy tells it. The Y was my thing. That's good. Do you know what I'm saying?

No, that is good. I just, I don't know. Something gave me 52. When I've gone to the Y, I've seen like 52-year-olds. I have a couple times it's weird the ones in like Hollywood yeah

the one I went to for years I was like what are you doing here Brett Gellman used to work out there yeah what are you doing go to what's it called Equinox Equinox

LA you just call it Eclipse yeah I want to go to Eclipse Eclipse is so elite it's above Equinox is it well it actually took over

Equinox yeah where they built the, it actually took over Equinox. Yeah. They built this building right in front of Equinox anymore. You can only see the outline of where Equinox used to be. Once a year. One day a year. You can see it. Equinox overtakes it.

It lines up. No, okay. 82 years old. I'm going to read it. I left out part of it. This is the full quote. It's kind of semi-dark, and I'm alone, and I'm going to read it I left out part of it This is the full quote It's kind of semi-dark And I'm alone

And I'm old But guess what I'm tough He picked the wrong house To break into Sweet Go get it Willie Murphy is 82

And not fucking around Good As Murphy tells it She used a barrage Of household items To attack the intruder Go Beginning with

Can we start guessing What it is I know Would you like to guess the first item she used in Rome? This is where she started. Did you say, what would my grab?

No, what would I grab first? I think about it all the time. Yeah. Lamp. Okay. Lamp. By the way, listeners,

you should have a lamp that instead of a light bulb in it, there is either a gun or a knife where the bulb would be. There you go. So it doesn't work. You know, you have your lamps that work. This is a decoy lamp. Dec the bulb would be. There you go. So it doesn't work. You have your lamps that work. This is a decoy lamp.

This is a lamp that's a decoy lamp. Yeah. Decoy lamp. People live by themselves. You need to have weapons all over the place. My grandma had a cousin who was just always bad. Always bad. Stole his little kid.

Just a bad. Ended up in jail, in and out of jail. One time he was in jail. Called my grandparents home. They were much younger. This was many decades ago and my grandma answered and he said

when I get out of jail I'm coming to kill you so my grandpa had weapons hidden around the house waiting for the day that he showed up waiting for little kids

he never did there were no little kids I think it was just them no but I mean like that they would invite kids over and say find the weapons find it so but what if you

had it like if you put a gun in your lamp, that was the decoy lamp, and you thought you're the only one who knew about it, and a friend of yours came over and came to you and said, hey, your lamp needs to be reloaded. What do you know about me? What do you know about me?

So you say lamp. Lamp. Umbrella. Umbrella from Jason Sklar. I'm going to say like kitchen tongs. Kitchen tongs. You know what I mean? Like those things would hurt if you say lamp. Lamp. I would take lamp. Rant or J? Umbrella. Umbrella from Jason Sklar. I'm going to say like kitchen tongs. Kitchen tongs. You know what I mean? Like those things would hurt if you just like toast her.

You guys, I'm going to lock those in, but you got to remember, she is a goddamn bodybuilder. She might have weights. So what's around the house? She attacked the intruder beginning with her own table. Oh my gosh. We underestimated her. She's going full coffee table, table i imagine this is like a western fight yeah from a western movie uh quote i'm sure we'll see oh we got i got a picture of her quote

i took that table and i went to working on him she said and guess what you're gonna work on him she went to working on him working on him right To working on him. Right. And guess what? This is a quote. And guess what? The table broke. She broke the table over him. On this guy. Unfazed, Willie Murphy said, she then used the metal legs of the table to keep hitting him. I love this woman so much. The table breaks and then she just picks up the legs.

It just keeps going. I want you guys to know I'm directing this in my head already. Yeah. It's like a David Gordon Green scene. Yeah, it's great. Everything's moving. Left-handed, right-handed. After jumping on him a couple of times.

Jumping on him. A hard thing to do if you're 82. I'm sure she's doing box jumps at the Y. For sure. But now you're jumping on top of this guy. After jumping on him a couple of times. She is not afraid that she's going to break a hip at all. She's afraid she's going to break his hip.

None of this is silent. I wish we knew what she was saying to him. You know it. Come in my house. Gonna tell me. After jumping on him a couple times. There's a lot of gonna tell me's. This is what you get. This is what you get.

Survey says, I don't know why, I just wanted to incorporate game. This is what you get. This is what you get. Survey says, after, I just, I don't know why. I just wanted to incorporate game shows into beating up the person. After jumping on him a couple times, Murphy ran to the kitchen, grabbed a bottle of baby shampoo, and squirted it on the man's face as he tried to get it. Why does she have baby shampoo? That's just embarrassing. Now she's a fucking woman. Now she's, yeah, that's.

Now she's treating him like a baby. Yeah, that's fucked up. Wait, wait, wait. Why does she have baby shampoo? I don't know. In the kitchen? I don't know. What does anybody have it for?

Why would someone have baby shampoo in the kitchen? That's very 82 for some reason. Maybe she just got back from the. Maybe that's what she uses to wash. That's some 82 stuff. Yeah. That's how she keeps her, you know. It didn't end there.

Her hands looking so. Her dishes looking so young. Next she said she took a broom and whacked him some more with the broom. By that time, the intruder was ready to leave. Yeah. He announced, I'm leaving. I've had enough. It's like the end of Weird Science.

You have a beautiful home. Very sorry for what happened there. Wait. So now he's going to need the ambulance that he called for. By that time, the intruder was ready to leave. Though Willie Murphy said she can deadlift how many pounds? How many pounds do you think 82-year-old Willie Murphy can deadlift? So deadlift is where you bend down and you grab it.

Your arms are straight and then you just stand. You don't bend at the knees. It's a hinge at the hips. And then you just try to stand straight up. Down and then stand straight up. 200. From the hips. 200 then you just try to stand straight up. It's down and then stand straight up. 200. From the hips. 200.

200. 200, okay. Randy or Jay? You can actually do more weight on this, so it's less about lifting and that's it. I know, but you need that lower back strength. That lower back has to be strong. I say 300.

300 pounds. 240. 240, okay. By that time, the intruder was ready to leave. Though Murphy said she can deadlift 225 pounds. Wow. That was close. That is a lot of weight.

That's a lot of weight. That's a lot of weight. That's awesome. She struggled. Although she can do that, she still struggled to drag the man out of the house. Quote, he wants to get the heck out of here, and I'm trying to help him get out of the house, but he's too heavy. I can't move him. He's dead weight.

At that point, the police arrived in response to Willie Murphy's earlier call. Quote, so they come in. She said, he's laying down already because I had really done a number on that man. Oh, my God. Quote, I'm serious. She is serious. By the way, who was saying she's not serious? Right.

I'm serious. We believe you. Serious. Oh, we thought you were joking. We took the legs off a table to beat a man. What are you talking about? When you were 82 working out at the Y, that's when I believed you. I know.

Your name was Willie. You want to get a good look at it? I would like to look at it. Oh my God. It's so good. 82. This is, by the way, we'll put this on the Facebook page. If you are not a fan or a like our Facebook page.

Oh, my God. Look at Lily Murphy. She looks great. You didn't tell me she was a black woman. That changes the things that were coming out of her mouth. How does it change? How does it change? So what is she saying?

She definitely, whether or not he was white, dropped a few n-bombs on that man while beating him up. Look at her shirt. WNPT power lifting. She's got guns. She looks great. She's 82. She should have played Harriet Tubman. She should have played Harriet Tubman.

Show you an Underground Railroad. Pop, pop, pop. Under the Underground. To freedom, bitch. I love it. I'm going to put you under the Underground Railroad. I'm going to put you six feet under the Underground Railroad. Pop, pop, pop.

I love it. She looks great. Yes, she does. I'm proud of her. 82. I want to look that good at 82. God bless her, man. So, I guess now her quote will sound different in your own head. He wants to get the heck out of here, and I'm trying to

help him get out of the house, but he's too heavy. I can't move him. Then the cops come in and she said, he's laying down already because I did a number on that man. I'm serious. So it leads me to believe

that she said all that and someone's like, are you serious? Right. I am serious. Do you see anyone else in this house? I'm serious.

She went Marcellus on him from Pulp Fiction at Medieval. Wow. Quote, the man was put in an ambulance. Murphy thinks that he was probably relieved to be out of the house. Quote, I think he was happy when he went in that ambulance because I sent him in the ambulance.

Yes, I did. So here's the best thing about this. This is a story that one sad person who only works out at 5am when this woman wakes up and goes to the Y is going to have to hear for the next several years. Willie, you told me that story. I will spot you if you don't tell me the story.

We're done with this story. I hope that someone she makes a t-shirt about it. The whole story. Or don't come into my house. I will table hit you. I will send you into an ambulance. She should have merch. I'm serious. She should.

Just I am serious merch. I'm serious. But here's the thing. Are you serious about her having merch? I'm serious. My favorite is families that have merch. And we have them too in the Vankers. But your family merch is always your family reunion t-shirt.

Oh, yeah. That is family merch. Oh, hell yeah. Or if somebody's coming home from the hospital, I've seen family merch for that. I've seen a lot that is family merch oh hell yeah or if somebody's coming home from like the hospital i've seen family merch for that i've seen a lot of good family yes yes yes my oldest daughter's midway and you see a sorority girls trip like oh yeah yeah that's that's family merch you just put that out wait but dad i i agree with randy like there are people at the gym who like know her and talk to her all the time.

There you are, Willie. They're now getting together going, how do we get her talking about her grandkids again? I literally can't hear this story. Can someone get her a skylight frame so we can start sending her pictures? I love the one where it's like, we get it. You beat up somebody in your house and you're 82.

No one's doubting you. No, you're serious. He came to my house saying he wanted an ambulance and you're 82. No one's doubting you. No one's doubting you. No, you're serious. He came to my house saying he wanted an ambulance and I got him one. Fine, we know that. You've said that 8,000 times. We get it.

I need a new table. No one's doubting you. I need a new table. No one's doubting you. You know why I'm out of baby shampoo? Why? Because I used it

on the man who came into my house. Was that your bathroom baby shampoo or your kitchen baby shampoo? She's lifting new stuff. She's like, oh,

and this is about, what's this, about 2020? Yeah. This is 220? Oh, this is about the weight of the man I carried out of my house.

We heard that story. Oh. We heard that story. All right, that's story number one. Oh my God. She's a hero. She's the protector

of Dumb People Town. I love you. I love her. I love her. She's the Dumb People Town bouncer. She is. Dumb People Town. Trying to bounce a dude. The bouncers in Dumb People Town I love you I love her she's the Dumb People Town bouncer she is trying to bounce a dude the bouncers in Dumb People Town

are all 82 and they work out almost every day at the Y so is the man the dumb person in that yes okay cool just checking

don't mess with first of all don't break into houses are you gonna get hit that's true alright that's first story we'll take a break we're so happy

to have our guest here we'll find out more about what's going on including the podcast uh that has the best title ever it's dumb people now stay with us stick around make it sound for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dumb Town. We want to remind people we are going to be in San Francisco doing Dumb People Town live at Sketch Fest at the Marines Memorial Theater. It is a giant theater. We have confirmation on our end. Amy Mann is going to be playing music. Ted Leo is going to be playing music.

There will be guests, and then we're getting another guest to join us. It is going to be a blast. January 17th, 7.30 p.m. We want to fill that place up and then we have also other dates coming up. I want to talk about your podcast, Quinta. So, Jay, can you remember the title? It's Cisco and Tree Bird Presents

a Christmas Podcast Spectacular on Ice. Yes! That was so good! So it's a great title. You guys, you and your... And Kate Peterman. Kate Peterman, who you guys, and she did this podcast too,

so she's fantastic. Yeah, she's cool. I love the notion of the two of you guys together discussing... Christmas movies. The validity of certain Christmas movies, yes or no. Reviewing them. Yeah, reviewing them. Were validity of certain Christmas movies, yes or no. Reviewing them.

Yeah, reviewing them. Were you always a Christmas movie fan? So, no. I was actually raised a Jehovah's Witness. Oh, that's right. Yeah. And so, Kate, her and I became friends, and then we became roommates, and she's obsessed with Christmas.

And I kind of had to, I was like, I don't really fuck with Christmas like that for multiple reasons. I just don't. And she Christmas like that for multiple reasons. I just don't. And she showered me with Christmas cheer. So I started watching these movies and actually really loving them. Of course. And we had this idea to do a podcast. We didn't want to do anything political.

We didn't want to do anything that anyone was already doing. And I'm kind of a little bit afraid of podcasts. So I wanted to do something that would be short. Why? You're great on this. I wanted to do something short and sweet, you know what I mean? So it's only five episodes.

Limited runs. But why do you think you love the Christmas movies so much? She's at it with fresh eyes, right? I know, because it's warmth. It talks about the goodness in people being good to each other. Yeah, a lot of these I'm seeing for the very first time. Right. And then there are some that are my favorites

that we're debating on the show, like Catch Me If if you can which i don't consider that a christmas movie but the two lead characters in that movie always talk on christmas day and like my frame of mind is kind of that makes it a christ that is a very like die hard like die hard like die hard connections to christmas are really kind of cool. Right. How you draw those. I love this. And then for me, my kind of viewpoint on it is even if you don't celebrate Christmas, you can't run from the time of Christmas. I didn't celebrate it, but because kids were out for school and my parents were out from work, it inadvertently became family time where we would argue.

So everybody- You still got the essence of Christmas. You still got the essence. And I feel like everyone. Are you Christmas? We're Jews. But my kids, I mean, my family celebrates it in a non, in a very secular, non-religious way.

That like we have a tree and we give them gifts. Oh, wow. Yeah. But we celebrate Hanukkah. I mean, we're Jews. Yeah. But my kids love Christmas. They just do.

And I have to tell you, I love it because I'm like, it is, I don't love what it stands for religiously, but I love time off. Don't you love time off? I love being with my family. I love that people are nice to each other. Yeah, me too. Those are all the things I love about it. It's like

Burning Man instead of Burning Man. Stop fucking talking about Burning Man. It's like Burning Man. We all know you went to Burning Man. Burning Man talking about Burning Man. It's like Burning Man. We all know you went to Burning Man. Burning Man burned a real man and that man was named Jesus. My background in Christmas is huge. Everything.

We do a big family euchre tournament, which is a card game. We have a big spaghetti dinner on Christmas Eve. We're all together on Christmas Day. You have all that stuff. If you could see aunt connie's house she spends the week after thanksgiving flipping the entire house bathrooms included into all christmas decorations it looks like a lifetime movie i love it yeah yeah it's wonderful we have like traditions of watching it's a wonderful life we have traditions of watching the andy girl we'll talk we have

traditions of watching the andy griffith we'll talk we have traditions of watching the Andy Griffith Christmas special if you guys do it next year you should do the same podcast about TV specials we want to do it about TV specials

you have to the Andy Griffith one is so beautiful the Family Ties one is really really good too see we love this you can watch it it's a great idea

it's really fun endless it's really just like a fun cheery podcast you don't have to like come and have, people have tried to have opinions about it. These girls just talk about movies they like

and whether they're good or not. And problem being, nothing. It's not fucking crooked media. You're not here to get upset. All you're saying, sir, because I'm assuming it's a man who said that. All you're saying, sir, is this isn't for you. Right. So don't get it. So you don't have to say it. And just come for the cheer and stuff. Yeah, it's a man who said that. All you're saying, sir, is this isn't for you. Right.

So don't get it. So you don't have to say it. You know, and just come for the cheer and stuff. Yeah, it's great. My boyfriend is also Jewish, and so we both don't celebrate Christmas, but we got a little tree from Amazon with no leaves, and it's just branches.

It's white with lights on the end. That's cool. It's awesome. And for some reason, we think that makes it okay. It's a winter tree. It's a winter tree celebration. There you go. That's the way we look at it in our some reason, we think that makes it okay. It's a winter tree. It's a winter celebration. There you go. That's the way we look at it

in our house. We're like, let's just decorate the house for winter. I mean, the great thing is so many things at Christmas are pagan.

Exactly. It's not even. Well, the traditions are presents and that kind of stuff is completely, it has nothing to do with religion.

I know. It is like an economy based. We don't do, my family doesn't do it. But I'm into it. I like the music. I know. It is like an economy based. We don't do, my family doesn't do it. But I'm into it. I like the music. I like the Charlie Brown Christmas album. That album is like,

it's magical. I love the music. It's great. I start the music right after Thanksgiving. Good. See, I really, like my favorite is probably Sinatra singing.

Beautiful. Yeah, like through the years, we all will be together if the fates allow That shit goes Yes I love Christmas music Some of the best R&B music has come from Christmas time

Yeah Like James Brown's like best songs to me are from Christmas time Sam Cooke's Christmas album is phenomenal Donny Hathaway all of those songs

are from Christmas time What I love about those it's the same thing the reason why you know Bruce Springsteen Santa Claus is comingaway all of those songs are from Christmas time what I love about those it's the same thing the reason why you know Bruce Springsteen's Santa Claus is coming to town why those songs are so good

is that they're old songs that everybody knows so they take it and it's why you look the R&B version of it is a way more soulful yeah

take Boyz II Men's version of Let It Snow oh my Jackson 5 Little Drummer Boy let's fucking go let's do it like Jackson 5 Little Drummer Boy Let's fucking go Yeah

Let's do it Like Jackson 5's Christmas album So good Michael Jackson inside of all his stuff Right Just talk about the past right now He was the one being abused back then If he hooked up with kids at that time

It was okay He was You mention him now And people are like It's like there was a whole past Leave me alone They used to be children That's right

Let's not throw out the baby That he's abusing with the bath water Okay Me too So that is a podcast to be children. That's right. Let's not throw out the baby that he's abusing with the bathwater. Me too. So that is a podcast and Black Girl Sketch Show. Black Lady Sketch Show. Way to bump it down, China.

I didn't mean to. Sorry, Black Lady Sketch Show. Is he China? Is he? HBO, is that coming back? Yes, it has a season two. Yes. Coming back.

That was really fun. It's rare to actually be able to be a part of a sketch series. I think a lot of people like enter comedy through improv and stuff. And then you have to go get a drama role on, on SWAT, on CBS. But that's what happens. And so it's rare that you actually get to be a part of a sketch show.

So for that reason, it's incredible to. It is such a sketch show. So for that reason, it's incredible to be able to do that. It is such a good show. It is so funny. Go back on HBO, go and watch it. I auditioned for the pilot. I didn't get it.

Yeah. Some of those, you're just going in going, I don't think I'm right for this. Why are my agents, I get, I like that you're sending me on an audition. I love auditions.

I appreciate you sending me on auditions. I didn't feel like I was right for it. And you could have been the villain in every sketch. But I gave it my best. There's actually not one white person on theitions. I didn't feel like I was right for it. And you could have been the villain in every sketch. But I gave it my best. There's actually not one white person on the show. Isn't that insane? No. Okay, so that is, and I think people would, so let me just say this.

I think people would hear that and be like, oh, well then it's exclusionary for, you know, like you. Or it's not going to speak to me. I am here to tell you that as a white Jewish man, I fucking love this show. It makes me laugh so hard. It's just funny shit. And even if it's stuff that I myself don't understand, I misquoted the title of the sketch. I misquoted the title of the show.

Kiki's Courtroom. Kiki's Courtroom, but it's Courtroom Kiki. But that's so cute that you thought it was. I love that, that you thought it was Kiki's courtroom. I mean, whatever. Who did you think was Kiki? I thought, so I also think that still, even though it's courtroom Kiki, I think one of the people should have been

named Kiki. If you had to guess, which person in the sketch should have been named Kiki? Oh, that's a great question. Because it could have been anybody. I think it should have been like the stenographer. Yeah, right? I like that. That was good, yeah. She had the long extensions. Extensions? Who taught you extensions?

I don't know what extensions are. If it ain't two feet, get the hell off the street. You did it, that was really good. I just love it so much, and I just think it's just funny for funny's sake, but then at the same time you feel like, again, culturally it's something and certain things that I don't understand, but I loved it.

I just loved it, it's so good. Volume of i don't understand but i loved it i just loved it it's so good volume of jokes that's also how we judge something like how many hard jokes are in it and there are so many jokes i'm glad you guys love it i don't think that should be a reason to deter people people say that but i grew up watching most of the things i watched especially sketch um i watched like the state and stuff like that a lot i didn't always understand the references exactly even older things where i don't you guys were just talking about that show what I watch The State and stuff like that a lot. I didn't always understand the references. Exactly. Even older things where I don't. You guys were just talking about that show.

What was it? Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. That does not make sense to me, but I'm going to go find it. Figure it out. Yeah, figure it. I mean, that's a lot of people's existence. That's how I felt when I watched The Office, the British Office. They're referencing these little towns and this little thing. I kind of love that.

I don't know that town, but I'll figure it out. The look into this, and truthfully, and is the same way I feel like when I watch Atlanta. I'm like, I'm watching Atlanta, I'm like, okay, this is, I understand so much of this. I understand the slight

grazing with fame and what that means around the people around you, the hustle for it, what it means to be hustling, what it means to- I like all the scenes where they think he has money. Yeah. He's like, I have no fucking- Or to stare into the abyss of your career.

Right. And be like, what's next and what's happening? I'm like, I can relate to that. But what's happening there, I have no clue. I just have no clue. Under everything is human connection, right? And in a good show, no matter what it is, I love 30 Rock.

Was I at the time working at 30 Rock? No. Was I dealing with the Tracy Jordan character? No. I mean, but you get the human point. I understand that emotion in that show. So, yeah, I hope people all watch it and like it as much as you do. I'm just going to tell you guys, if you're not on this show, get on it now.

And people can see it on HBO Go and whatnot. Yeah, and I think it's on Hulu now and all of the HBO providers. YouTube TV, if you got that. Whatever, it's just fantastic. Whoa, YouTube TV plug. Yeah, you know. I'm ready to, I'm cutting the- Don't do that for free.

Let them pay you for that. I know, right? All right, let's do this. All right, you want to do a second story? Yes, please. Okay, this was sent in by at aesthetic underscore noise. Aesthetic underscore noise.

It's a good name. Sound mixer. Really good name. Sound mixer. Really good name. I know. All right, here we go. An employee at a- That's like an early 90s hip hop band that thought that Tribe Called Quest

was gonna pull them into the thing and then it just couldn't do it. Oh, we don't have room under our arm. I mean, sorry. It's just, I know we said we're all family, but it's just gonna be us and the Jungle Brothers. That's it. The brand new-

This comes from thestatesman.com because an employee at a South Austin Taco Bell is accused. Uh-oh, Taco Bell. First of all, why are you at Taco Bell in Austin? The best tacos are all over that town. Uh-oh. Cheap, great tacos. There's a truck parked outside of Taco Bell that just destroys Taco Bell. Sometimes you just pick fast and cheap.

No, seriously. And you don't pick good. Remember your thing? So our uncle had a print shop in Canton, Ohio, like printing shop. And he had a sign next to the cash register. It's like, you can have it good, fast, or cheap. Pick two. If it's good and cheap, it's not going to be fast.

If it's good and fast, it's not going to be cheap. If it's cheap and good, it's not going to be fast. That's so fantastic. It's the best. This is's not going to be cheap. If it's cheap and good, it's not going to be fast. That's so fantastic. This is our uncle. Our uncle Eddie. Mom's brother. I think this guy chose fast and cheap. It's not going to be good. Have you had a Mexican pizza?

That is the number one order of every girl. Is it good? It's good. It takes a little bit longer for them to make, but it is good. Is it the number one order of every woman you've ever dated yes it's good yes they're always like i'll have the mexican pizza my voice does that too when i order even though i don't have the mexican pizza please no meat no meat oh shut up i get it with no meat but i didn't want to say that yeah i get it with no meat, but I didn't want to say that. I get it with just beans. No meat, just beans. I see you today. Just beans.

No meat. No beans. Okay. Well, the good news is if you order it with meat at Taco Bell, that still comes with no meat. Horse meat. It's Taco Bell. Full disclosure, I'm a basic bitch, so I know. I get it.

I get it. Okay, here we go. An employee at a South Austin Taco Bell is accused of using a weapon to threaten a customer at a drive-thru lane over the weekend. I've not heard this complaint, but I'm going to blame the customer. I'm on this guy's side. Have charged the worker, Samuel Hemet, who sounds like a historical figure in our country. Did he found Austin? It was Stephen F. Austin and Samuel Hemet.

Did he come out with a musket on his bitch just loading it up Samuel Hammett Samuel Hammett with aggravated and you know

he's like he's full name that's a full name guy some people are full name people like when you say that Samuel Hammett who's coming over Samuel Hammett

Sam Hammett Sam Hammett yeah Sam Hamm it's H-E okay with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon he was in the Travis County correctional complex on Monday Sam Hammett. Sam Hammett, yeah. Sam Hamm? It's H-E. Okay. With aggravated assault with a deadly weapon.

He was in the Travis County Correctional Complex on Monday with bail set at 15 grand jail records show. Jesus. Police responded Sunday to the Taco Bell near the corner of William Cannon Drive and South First Street around 5.40 p.m. Which to me is one of the weirdest things about this. Every bad Taco Bell thing happens after 11. Right, at night. This is 5.40 of the weirdest things about this. Every bad Taco Bell thing happens after 11. Right, at night. This is 5.40 in the day. This guy's just trying to get some Taco Bell on the way home from work. Right.

The customer told police he tried to place an order with Hemet, Samuel Hemet, if you're nasty, in the drive-thru lane, but had to ask, can you not hear, when Hemet asked him several times what do you want there's a way in which this works i agree with you let's run it out let's run it out let's run out ask me if i want anything do you want anything hi welcome to talk about hi hi welcome to talk about what would you hold on no matter what i say keep asking me if i want okay ready yeah welcome to talk about what can we get you? I'll get an XL

double stuffed steak burrito, babe. You want anything? I'll take just Mexican pizza, but no meat. Just beans. Mexican pizza, no meat. Welcome to Taco Bell. What can I get for you? Sorry, can I get a double XL stuffed steak burrito and a Mexican pizza, no meat?

Just beans. Sorry, just beans. Welcome to Taco Bell. What can I get for you, Zig? Oh, my God. Can you not hear me? Now, see? Now, was that rude? No, but Dan.

A little bit. No. I know what you're trying to say, but you're wrong. I'm sorry. These guys know. I'm sorry. Let me say it. There's a way to do it.

There's a way to say it where you're not putting it on the other person. There's a way. I just did it. Okay. Fine say it where you're not putting it on the other person. There's a way. I just did it. Okay. Fine with your boyfriend. Yeah, yeah. Fine with your boyfriend. Fine with your boyfriend.

He did something wrong to you. Okay. No, no, no. Tell her. Please tell her what the thing that sets me off the most from my wife. What is the one line- Randy and his wife- If my wife-

Some sort of deal about the school- About a school thing. And his wife, if his wife says, do you sort of deal about a school thing. And his wife says, do you get the emails? That's it. Do you get the emails? I get the emails. I get them all. That's what I'm saying.

There's a way to be like, can you not hear? Way different than like, can you not hear me? Dan, can you not hear me is, okay, let's say we're dating. Is it the can you not? Is it the not? The not. It's the me. Can you not hear? We get let's say let's say we're dating can you not is it the not the not it's the me but can you not hear we get into a fight we're dating right you're upset about something and instead of me saying i'm sorry that i did that or i'm sorry that i hurt your fifth okay i know where this is if my thing to you is to say i'm sorry that that made you upset.

That's not me apologizing. That's me being like, sorry you couldn't handle shit. You're being sympathetic. I'm saying sorry you couldn't handle stuff. I have sympathy for the fact that you're upset, but I'm not sorry for what I did. I'm sorry you're so fragile that you can't handle normal shit. That's basically

what I said to you. I don't think it's bad in this case though. Can you not hear me? Can you not hear me? It's the way I said it to you. I don't think it's bad in this case, though. Can you not hear me? Can you not hear me? It's the way I said it to you. I don't think so at all. It was the street in the middle. Can you not hear me? Are you able to hear?

Could he have said that? Are you fucking deaf? Hey, dummy. No, I think it's if he would have said... This is what he could have said. I don't think it's some... If he would have said... If you say... This is what he could have said. I don't think this intercom's working.

I think there's a problem with the... Should I drive around and give you my order? Hey, dude, I don't think you can hear me. Also, if you believe that, why are you saying it? Because he can't hear you. No, you say... Good point. I think the intercom's messed up.

I'm going to drive around. Is that okay? I'm ready to see again. The customer told... Go ahead. The employee... Okay. This should not be on the customer. This should be on the employee. The employee should have said twice

at that point, I cannot hear you. You have to come around to the other window. But to continue to ask, I would ask him something worse. A word you're not supposed to say. I would be like, how are you going to keep saying the same question over and over again? Can you imagine if you had

Willie Murphy in your car? She's like, let me out. I will deal with this. Give me a table to break over. Maybe you don't know this. I beat the shit out of a man in my, we know. Give me a Chalupa,

three bags of hot sauce, and a table to break over this motherfucker's head. I got baby oil in the car. I'm serious. I am serious. You got baby oil in your car. I'm serious. I am serious. You got baby oil in your car. And soap in the eye.

Okay, baby soap. Customer told police. I'll read it one more time. He tried to place an order with Samuel Hemet in the drive-thru lane, but had to ask, can you not hear? You're right. It's the not. Can you not hear? Can you hear me?

Can you hear me? Can you hear me is like way better than can you not hear? Can you hear me? Can you hear me? Can you hear me is like way better than can you not hear? Can you not hear? Yeah. Okay. When Hammett asked him several times what he wanted on the menu. So that's at least four, right? That's what I mean.

That's what I'm saying. Okay. The customer said Samuel Hammett began to curse at him and told him, why don't you pull up and I will show you what I have for you. So he could hear. Why did the guy keep asking? Also, this is what I say. At this point, if someone invites you into the jungle

and you go, you are in the jungle. Best case scenario, they're spitting in your food. Just drive away. I was going to say the same thing. Go to a different food. Or there point. Just drive away. Drive away. I was going to say the same thing. Go to a KFC. It's 540.

Or there's a Taco Bell probably a mile away. Go to a Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, Hybrid, next order KFC. It's 540. A combination Pizza Hut

and Taco Bell. You can literally go anywhere. If this were 2.30 in the morning, you're like, I want to eat. This is what we got. Whose song is that? I'm at the KFC.

I'm at the Taco Bell. I'm at the combination KFC and Taco Bell. I'm at the pizza and I'm at the KFC. I'm at the Taco Bell. I'm at the combination KFC and Taco Bell. I'm at the pizza and I'm at the taco bell. I'm at the combination pizza and taco bell. Is that a country song or a rap song? I'm at the pizza hut. I'm at the

taco bell. I'm at the combination pizza hut and taco bell. You never heard of this? I hate nothing more than when three white men know more rap songs than I do. I think it's a white guy's rap song. You aren't allowed. It's not Lil' Dicky.

I have no idea who it is. Someone played it for me once. I'm going to tell you who it is. It's Earl Sweatshirt. Nope. Lil' Dicky. Nope. It's not Serengeti. Earl Sweatshirt is black. Earl Sweatshirt's black? Yeah. Lil' Dicky is white. Thank you. the name should have

told you okay okay oh i never thought about it like that all right i just i just had something peeled open you did and it was genuine okay so the guy says why don't you that's samuel hemmett why don't you pull up and i will show you what i have for you. Drive away. Drive away. Drive away. Don't pull. Best case scenario, it's his dick. Worst case scenario, it's a gun. Ready? Yeah. The customer told police he drove up to the cashier window. Why? Why? Dummy.

And saw Samuel Hammett holding a black machete and cursing at him. What? I know. He brought that to work. Don't bring your machete to work. That's my point. Don't bring your machete to work. Don't bring your machete to work. That's my point. Don't bring your machete to work. It was bring your machete to work day. And bring your daughter to work.

If you bring a machete to work, you're gonna use it. Yeah, what? Nobody, it never stays there. What are you cutting? What else is going on? Also the other employees just being like, he brought his machete to work again. I know. And they just have to live with this. Someone's going to get cut.

Or it's like Fatal Attraction. As he's making food, he keeps dragging it against his leg and cutting it. No. He uses it to cut the Mexican pieces into four squares. It's just a better cut. It's a better cut. It's just a better cut. It's a better cut.

It's cleaner, guys. Where has it been? Oh, it's in the back of my car. I still have dreams for my, you just put this in there. Das Racist is the name of the. It's cleaner, guys. Where has it been? Oh, it's in the back of my car. I still have dreams for my, you've just put this in my brain. Das Racist is the name of the- That doesn't sound good. Oh, I remember them. They're good, Das Racist.

Weren't they like a Diplo? They were like a mad decent group. That's right. You just put in my brain my favorite thing. Someday I'm going to own one. I remember going to Pizza Hut. No, and they would have a long blade with handles on each end, and they would cut the pizza like that. Yeah, like that.

Yeah, like that. I want one of those so bad. That's why he uses his machete. Yeah. Black machete. What's a black machete? Putting it into the universe. I don't know.

Just the color, I guess, right? Unless it's a brand. I don't think so. A black machete. Also, if you don't drive away now. What is that distinction? If you don't drive away now, you kind of deserve whatever happens. I don't want you to die, but if you get into an altercation just twice, you should have left.

That person said, pull up, show me what I have for you. Then you should have left when you pulled up and that person had a black machete. You're in a car that's running. Drive. This confirms that I feel less safe at a Taco Bell during the day than I do at night. 549. This confirms it. Yes. I would never want to go to a Taco Bell before 11 o'clock.

No. This is why. Because you know the people that are going to be Taco Bell before 11 o'clock. And this is why. Because you know the people that are going to be there at 11. Exactly. They just want food. They want to, as Matt Bronger, great comedian, famously said,

the title of his album, they just want to soak up the night. That's it. You had a lot to drink. You now have to land the plane that is you and you need a 10-piece taco. I don't want to hurt anybody. This is in the middle of rush hour too?

Oh, God. Rush hour. So is he waving the machete? Like you're in a car. It's not like he's holding up a gun. You can drive away. This is some pirate shit. Unless you're locked in. Unless you're locked in at that window. Oh, if there's someone in front

of you? Yeah. Where was I? Security video footage or security footage from the drive-thru window showed Samuel Hemet swing at the customer's truck and strike the driver's side view mirror twice, the affidavit said. Oh, my God. The video also showed Samuel Heimitt stow the machete in a nearby dumpster after the customer drove away. So he didn't even love it that much.

This is where it lives. Right. He didn't hit the driver. He didn't actually, like. No, he hit the car a couple times. The mirror, the front mirror.. He didn't hit the car a couple times. But he didn't hit the person. The guy drives away and then he's like, I gotta get rid of this machete.

All you had to do was never bring it. I gotta get rid of this evidence on camera. Oh my god. There's a camera there. Hammett admitted to police that he wielded the machete and swung it at the customer according to the affidavit. Police later retrieved the 18-inch machete from the dumpster.

We'll get out of here on this. 18 inches. It's only a foot and a half. How old do you think Samuel Hemet is? He's working that prime drive time shift at the Taco Bell. He could be 82. He's got a machete. Stop.

He's not 82. And he kept asking the person what they wanted when the person was like, can you not hear me? But this is a man who's had enough. And he can't hear, so he might be older. Thank you. He could be 82. And then when the person said, can you not hear me? He said, come up here.

Let me show you what I have. Let me show you what I have. Let me show you what I can hear. But he missed it. Yeah, show you what I have for you is different than let me show you what I'm hearing. What's going on? You should have said, let's see if you can hear this. Yeah, show me what I have for you is different than, let me show you what I'm hearing. What's going on? You should have said, let's see if you can hear this. Yeah, like why did he not come up with something more?

It was not a parallel construction. Speaking of diehard. Is he American, I wonder? Samuel Hammett? Yeah, I know that sounds like a very American name, but all of this sounds very- Samuel Hammett in Austin, Texas feels very American. He could be Native American. All right, you can go first, Tig.

I'll say that he is, oh man. He could be any age. He could be anything. He could be a fucking teenager. I don't know. He's got that good shift at Taco Bell. I don't want to guess first.

You guys go first. Okay, Jay, you go. 24. 24 from Jason Scott. Okay, I'm going to go. He's one year into grad school. I do think he's in his 20s. Okay, I'm going to go. He's one year into grad school. I do think he's in his 20s. No, actually, I think he's 37.

37. He's there. He's not happy that he's there. He's had enough. Right, he might be the manager. 24. Although at any age, you're talking about he's the manager.

That's right. Machete. 41. 41, okay. Samuel Hummett, the man with the black machete Who Keeps asking you what you wanted Then gets very mad if you wonder if you can hear him or not

Is 21 years old Oh my god And angry And angry That's a parental thing right His parents didn't teach him. Oh, God.

Why are people. He's just so ready. Just don't bring it to work. But in my head, I'm like, I'm happy he's working at Taco Bell and only has a machete. But to me, that's the kind of person that's on the verge of shooting up a place. The machete is right under the surface. But so look, OK, this this story is an argument for gun control. I don't want to get political, but I'm telling you right now, if that guy had a gun, you'd have a bunch of dead people.

But he had a machete, so now you've got an arrested guy and a machete in a dumpster. And a truck that just got hit twice. And a truck that got hit on the mirror. You can always get your mirror fixed. It's gun control. Also, if somebody says, come up here and let me show you what I got, don't do it.

Don't come up there. No, ever. All right, that's story number two. You've got to think outside the gun. All right. Bong. All right, that's the story two. Give a little tease of what we're going to think outside the gun. All right. Bong. All right. That's the story two.

Give a little tease of what we're going to see in the last. We have a great excuse for what went wrong. Okay. Tiny story on the other side of this. We're so happy that Quinta Brunson's with us. She's got a great podcast. We'll tell you a little more about it at the end. And then it's Dumpy Plows to Rose. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumpy People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Follow us, we are at Sklar Brothers on Twitter and Instagram. Follow at Daniel Van Kirk. Quinta, what are you? At Quinta Brunson. Quinta, Q-U-I-N-T-A-B-R-U-N-S-O-N.

You got it. There we go. We got it. Follow her. Follow her, watch the Black Lady Sketch Show. Get on it. Get caught up so that when season two rolls around, you're ready to go and listen to the podcast. Now is the time of year to listen to this podcast.

Yeah. You're in your golden stretch right now. Yes. Our last episode is on Christmas, so you have two more episodes to listen to. Cisco and Treebergs. Treebird. Treeberg. People can't even search it We really did shoot ourselves in the foot

Cisco and Treeberg presents A Christmas podcast spectacular On ice By the way there's no ice ever No but it's just the emotion Doesn't it make you think about a Christmas spectacular There's only one thing on ice We ever wanted to see and we never saw it

What? The Jeffersons. When the Jeffersons on ice came around, I was like, we got to see this. It really did? What are you talking about? Is that a real thing? I'm going to go show you. Shut up. That was real?

If Das Races can be real, the Jeffersons on ice can be real. So many things have happened in your lifetime. We're older than you by like many years. The Jeffersons on ice? Yes. I need to know what that means, you guys. That by like many years. The Jeffersons on ice? Yes. I thought that was a joke. I need to know what that means, you guys. That sounds like a sketch.

Like an ice capades thing, but it was like the Jeffersons. But it wasn't Sherman Hemsley. I get it. I'm saying, what reason is there for them to be skating around? Wait. I don't know. They're skating on up. It came to St. Louis.

Skating on up. Skating on up. Come on. Stop. That's what all these stations, Fox and ABC, they're doing live musicals now. They should start doing that next for the holiday season. On ice. Yeah.

Roseanne on ice. The Conners on ice. We kill her off. On ice. Roseanne on thin ice. Roseanne on thin ice and Xanax. Are you ready for story number three? Yes.

And then please. I'll find it. Okay. Here we go. Sent in by JBO at JBO underscore tweets. Okay. A motorist driving recklessly may have gotten himself into trouble at home by confessing to a legal offense.

Police in Florida pulled over John Earl Pickard of Palm Harbor for recklessly driving over the 55 mile per hour speed zone early Sunday evening, according to Pinellas County arrest affidavit. When they asked the motorist why he was moving at such excessive speeds, Jones reportedly said, quote, he needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife. He's honest. I'm going to tell you, officer. Was he on his way to cheat or was he coming from cheating? He was coming from cheating. She knows how long it takes to go to the store and get milk. Right.

And how long it takes for him to have sex. He was going to get breast milk from someone else. The 55 mile power zone. How fast do you guys think John Earl Pickard was going? Quote, he needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife. John Earl Pickard. 90 miles. 90 miles an hour in a 55-zone, Jay.

John Earl Pickard is the kind of guy who DVRs fishing. Yes. Bill Vance. I'm going to say he's I'm going to say he was going 85. And he keeps

the old Bassmaster classics on the DVR. Like you got to clear these things out man. Yep. He ordered the flying lure. How much more fishing do you need to see?

There are DPT people who know what the flying lure is and I love them. Do you guys know what the flying lure is? No. It was a big thing

in the Van Kirk house. I'm going to tell you this guy. A great infomercial. I'm going to tell what the flying lure is? It's a big thing in the Van Kirk house. I'm going to tell you this guy. It's a great infomercial. I'm going to tell you. The flying lure. The flying lure. What is it?

It's a fishing thing. It's a fishing lure that they made it seem like was just the magic of it. They would go to Bass Pro Shops and just have all these bats. And they would have no hook, so it wouldn't hurt the fish. But they would get it, and they'd be like, see? This is going to happen for you all day. And then we were up at the cabin and it never worked. I don't think I caught a single fish on the flying lure.

This dude was flying down the highway. I think he was going 115 miles an hour. Okay, 115. Quinta, what did you say? 90. I said 85. All right, one of you is exactly right. Oh!

Now we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? Oh, my God. Do you believe it's you? This is now it's all about your own conviction. Do you have confidence in yourself? You got 91, 15, and 85. I do.

I had too much Nespresso. You can go last if you want. You always have the option. I think that one of us is exactly right. I said 115. You said 90. I think it's me. Okay, good.

Confidence. I love it. I think it's her, too. Okay. I think she got it right. I think it's her, too. Okay. Now that I'm thinking about it. I think it's her too. Okay. I think she got it right. I think it's her too. Okay. Now that I'm thinking about it,

I think it's you. John Earl Pickard of Palm Harbor. No, wait. I got to change. I think it's me. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Believe in yourself. Quote, he needed to get home in a hurry because he was cheating on his wife, was in a 50 mile five per hour zone, driving 90 miles an hour. Why did I change it? I knew she was right. Driving. 90 miles an hour. Why did I change it? I knew she was right. That's a double W for you.

You won twice there. So he says he was cheating on his wife. It's unclear what he meant exactly. No, it's not. I think it's unclear. What do you mean? He's not sure whether he's driving to cheat or coming home from the cheat. Or if he's just anxious about it. Maybe he really did go to the store this time.

Could be three things. Could be driving from the cheat. Could be driving to the cheat. But he said I needed to get home. Yeah, because maybe he's meeting the girl he's cheating with and then his wife comes home off of work. Yeah, I don't think it's very clear. This isn't the first time law enforcement has been dragged into Jones' marital woes. He was arrested in March of this year.

I don't know for what. They don't say? No. I just hope it wasn't domestic. I know. It sounds like it was, though. Oh, if it was, maybe it was her hitting him across the face,

which is never a good answer, but don't cheat. We need some Willie Murphy on this, dude. Willie Murphy justice. We need to go all Willie Murphy on this, dude. Did you hear about what she did to that guy? No, she hasn't told me. I've been working out with her for weeks at the Y.

She hasn't even mentioned it. This looks just like the table. I hit a motherfucker over the head with it. We've heard it, Willie. Willie, thank you. Just don't lift with your back, Willie. I'm going to take a shower. You just got here.

I know, but she's still going on that story. She reminds me of somebody who would use like foul language and religious things at the same time like your fucking ass is going to church oh you know it

yeah black grandmother she's called beating him up going to church yes okay about to hear a sermon again yeah police also allege

that Pickard you're about to speak in tongues because nobody's going to understand you when I'm done with this. Please also allege... Medea beats a man? Actually, that was the movie we needed. That was the one we were waiting for.

But it's Medea looking in the mirror and then Tyler Perry shows up and Medea beats up Tyler Perry. For making another Medea movie? Yeah! Okay. Tyler Perry's like, you Madea movie? Yeah. Okay. If Tyler Perry's like, you're starring in the next Madea movie, what do you say?

Why would you do this to me on your podcast? I'm sorry. Why would you do this? I would do it. Wouldn't you? If he said to me, I'd be like, yes. You're talking to.

I would respectfully decline. However, I do not shit talk his movies. No. My family's, they have all of his DVDs. Of course. They have the DVDs of the stage plays, but I'm not sure that my sense of humor would fit in.

That's a great answer. That's it. And it's honest. Yes. Police also allege that Pickard had more than two grams of crack cocaine when he was busted over the weekend. I gotta go, man. I gotta go, man.

I have so much confidence. I have a lot of places to be right now. This is the time, man. He spontaneously, that's in quotes, confessed he just purchased the rocks for $50, then finally, this is my favorite part, then he finally buttoned up after

arresting officers told him he had the right to remain silent. So he just started, I'm cheating on my wife. I just bought this, okay? Sir, you don't have to talk to us. Okay. Alright, got it. I stole them, fifth grade. You don't have to talk to us, okay? All right, got it. I stole him fifth grade. You don't have to talk to us. Where was this again?

Florida. This is like Chunk and Goonies. And then one time, Mom, I'm sorry, I like this kid. I love you, Jeff Cohen. He's my lawyer and a great man. He's your lawyer? He's so sweet. Yeah, he's the best. He's your lawyer.

Yeah, he's the best. You know, we have a chunk joke in our act. Really? So the bit is about how when you show your kids today movies from the 1980s, there was no PG-13. So PG covered a lot of ground. Yep. So there's always a minute when you're showing,

a moment or a scene when you're showing your kid today a movie from the 1980s where you're like, oh shit, I forgot about this. There was a rape and 16 candles. Oh God. Right. And then I'm i'm like oh shit i think i see the side of a kid's dick in the goonies uh that's why they called him chunk i'm like i don't need to hear that you know really no you know you do see somebody's dick at the end of teen wolf oh you totally do yeah the guy in that background when the audience is all celebrating the crowd is all celebrating a guy took his dick out and just started shaking so, and it made the edit.

So maybe that's what we should change it to. I think I saw a kid's dick in Teen Wolf. Yeah, that's why I called him Stiles. Oh, my God. Yeah, it was genetic. He got it from his dad. Was it a wolf dick? Was it a wolf dick?

If it's a wolf dick, then it's just an animal. You can see that. You're allowed to see that. There was no indication of intoxication. He posted bond and will be in court next month. He's going to be in court but now everyone knows. I want to follow

up on that story from the wife who read the news article. She's probably going to be like, thank God I'm done. Him saying he was cheating did not pertain at all to the crimes he committed. They didn't need to put that in the article. She's probably going to be like, thank God I'm done. Him saying he was cheating did not pertain at all to the crimes he committed. They didn't need to put that in the article. They didn't need to put that in the report. He could have avoided all of it.

They blew him up. He blew himself up. I know, but then they were like, we'll include that in the report. Don't. He could have said, I have to get home. He didn't need the middle part of, or the last part of, he didn't have to tell them everything. Even if he said, I have to get home. He didn't need the middle part of, or the last part of, I have to get home, he didn't have to tell them everything.

Even if he said, I have to get home, I'm cheating on my wife. The police, that is impertinent to the fact that he's holding rock. And just like, it has nothing to do with that at all. At all. I love it. There you go.

There's a show. There's a show. That's how we do it. That was fun. Again, I'm so excited to listen to your podcast. And I want everybody who's a show. That's how we do it. That was fun. Again, I'm so excited to listen to your podcast, and I want everybody who's in a Christmas mood, please listen to it.

Jay, you have to do it, and you have to say it fast. All right. Cisco and Treebird presents a Christmas podcast on ice. Almost. Spectacular. That was really close. That's it. And Black Lady Sketch Show is so goddamn funny.

Check it out. And oh shit, we need to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum. Dum, dum, dum, dum.

Dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town.