Dumb People Town - Rachel Bloom - Australian Dream Wedding

Episode Date: October 15, 2019

The guys welcome Rachel Bloom to town to  talk about a house with a neighborhood stalker. In story 2, a woman sets new bizarre record. In story 3 Australians get the chance to have a wedding with an incredible theme. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Bloom. Rachel Bloom. Hi. Hi. Welcome hi hi welcome i fear that i'm dumb that's like one of my big do you really are you afraid that means you're not yeah exactly i think that's a smart person thing to fear that you're dumb but once i acknowledge it's a smart person thing then i get i would get hubris and then that would make me done it's sick wait dan are you saying it's like a catch-22 thing? Like if you say you're insane and you're not insane? If you possess self-awareness, you've already jumped a dumb hurdle.

Yes. You jumped one hurdle, but I do think we aren't as smart as we all think we are. Yeah. We believe the world's getting dumber. We think the entire world is getting dumber. As ocean levels rise, our collective IQ goes down. Even as technology gets better it just doesn't that doesn't reflect everybody i think there is a willful ignorance that's going on right now that

is in the face of advancement it's almost like i don't want to i don't want to improve i don't want to develop as developing things are happening around me whereas in the past it was like we don't know about that stuff yet. Your excuses are out the window now. So if you willfully try to not know stuff, then you're making a choice. Whereas in the past, you maybe didn't have access to it.

Right. So arguably, the dumb people now are dumber because they are choosing not to be dumb. They are choosing to be dumb. They're making the dumb choice to not learn. Right. But there's an argument that now with the internet, that there's so much content, it's hard to, well, I guess that's like a dumb verse, but even smart people get taken in by like looking at Instagram instead of, I don't know, looking up snakes on Wikipedia. Think about how many books you've read recently and think about like, what do you do about

how many books you read versus how many snakes you've looked up on Wikipedia? The snakes, it's 10 to one, 10 snakes, one book. Did you see the, the snake skin of that seven foot long?

No, seven meter long Python skin that that guy found. No. So that means that there's a Python that's that long or longer somewhere in the world. Like in that guy's neighborhood. He's like, he found that skin. He laid it out on his backyard.

Honey! Honey! Get my good tape measure. Because there's always one with a kink in it. So when that guy says to his wife, you're married. When that guy says to his wife, honey, you know what you're about to see is something you don't want to see. Yeah. And you're like, do I entertain him

or I just like, take a picture for me. I don't need to come out and see it. All right, Dan, let's get into a story. So we get stories sent to us by our fans and then we do.

Fantastic. Now we've never heard them and you've never heard them so let's get into them. Dan Barrett. Ready? Yes. This was sent in by Joe Luttrell

at the Gentleman Joe. Thanks, buddy. And in honor of Halloween season, Rachel, are you a Halloween season fan? I do. I love it. I said I do. That was a really smart people thing. You just got season, Rachel, are you a Halloween season fan? I do. I love it. I said I do.

That was a really smart people thing. You just got married to Halloween. Are you a Halloween season fan? I do. I do. And with this Halloween ring. It didn't even phase me. I was like, good, we can start talking about

how this focuses. There's a type of person that has Halloween weddings. I used to work at a, or no, actually the place that my husband and I got married in LA, when we scouted it, there were people having a Halloween wedding. Yeah, they were. Like, on the 31st. Like, creepy, like, Bride of Frankenstein dress.

It's cool. Like a slit throat with, like, blood coming down. You know your bridesmaids' dresses are going to suck. Why not make them fun? Rip them to shreds. It's great. Are you guys scary moving with your kids? Not yet.

My kids have nightmares. My youngest is far more excited about scary stuff. We did an escape room birthday for her. She's like, I want to go to the scariest one in there. It made you go. Me and six 12-year-old girls went in the abandoned orphanage. We walk in and like you have there's like a light that you got to pull down on a mirror that shines down a gated

long hallway and there was a spoiler alert jesus is it scary or is it creepy both it's like are there like things that jump out at you yes oh god and not things that jump out but like certain things happen and it just you don't know when it's coming. It's like being tickled in like a scary way. You don't know when it's coming. And so you just, but there was a moment that something happened and all the girls screamed. And I, in the deepest, loudest voice I could say, I was like, no! That's great.

You guys were like. That's great. I was like, I can't believe it. That's all you can do. I lost control. I lost focus. All right, all right. I love it. I love scary movies. I love Halloween time. I was like, I can't believe it. That's all you can do. I lost control. I lost focus. All right, all right. I love it.

I love scary movies. I love Halloween time. I love the decorations. I love all of them. So give it to us. So thank you, Jill Luttrell. Here we go. In honor of Halloween, the nightmare at 657 Boulevard is finally over for Derek and Maria

brought us. Wait, the name of the street is Boulevard? Yeah. 657 Boulevard. I live on Boulevard. Sorry, this is all the street is Boulevard? Yeah. 657 Boulevard. Where do you live? I live on Boulevard. Sorry, this is real. Yes. Boulevard Avenue.

But there's no telling what's in store for the people who bought their former dream house at a heavy discount. That's always the thing. Why did we get this house? The Broadduses have spent the last five years trying to avoid a mysterious, unidentified stalker known only as The Watcher, who has sent them several threatening letters since they bought the gorgeous century home in Westfield, New Jersey for $1.35 million. Wait, is this supposed to be funny?

It will be. Okay. The Broadduses- Because you're like, if I bought a house and we got it at a discounted rate and then you got letters from a stalker, you'd be like, what is going on? I mean, I did buy my house at a discounted rate and it turns out the house is a piece of shit. So that's my own horror movie I'm living in right now. Are there like 70,000 bees in your attic or something like that? Oh my God, I wish.

That would be way more interesting. That would explain it. No, the house is just crumbling. You're going to die in it. The Broaddus' reported the letters to police and never moved because they were afraid of the individual. That's the opposite of that sentence. Yeah. I get one letter, I'd be like, are we still in escrow? It's like the old Eddie Murphy bit.

White people are like, what's going on in here? What's going on? Black people that come in the house and they just hear, get out. Too bad we can't stay, baby. Because it's my thing. I always ask, what is the haunted stuff that happens where you're out? Where is your haunted line? Okay, so where is your haunted line?

When the toaster isn't plugged in and cooks a piece of bread, I'm like, we're leaving. We're out. Like, where's your haunted line, Rachel? Like, if you see a shadow at the top of the stairs, are you out? No, because I used to be really fascinated by ghosts, and I've done a lot of research about ghosts, because a lot of it played into my...

I had a whole existential crisis in high school when I realized that Christians believed that Jews were were going to hell which i didn't know yeah until some christians tried to get me to come to youth group with them uh happy halloween the jews are going to die so i spent a lot like a lot of time researching like um i don't know like ghost sightings like basically trying to prove to myself that ghosts weren't real because if ghosts were real it would somehow like prove the Christian afterlife to me was the story I told myself and a lot of stuff where it's like you

see a figure just waking up or going to sleep or you see a shadow at the top of the stairs a lot of that's just our minds playing tricks so shadow at the top of the stairs is not enough. What if you walk in and your kid's on the ceiling? Yeah that's a deal we're out. Some of these ceiling. Yeah, of course, that's a deal. We're out. Some of these movies...

Call Lionel Richie. Yeah, we're done. Get the hell out of the house. Some of these movies, they're like, go back to bed. Get off the ceiling. We love this house. Hey, get down from there.

Right. Your mother really got this great job opportunity in this middle of nowhere town. Get down from there. We are in a great school district. Yeah. Right. You can stay up there for another five minutes.

Then you have to brush your teeth. And then in this day and age, like the wife sits down next to the husband and is like, at least he's not on his phone. Yeah. At least he's not on the iPad. He's doing something constructive. Doing something physical. It's called imaginative play, David.

Let him do it. A listing on the real estate site Zillow shows the Broadduses have been trying to sell the home since February 2015. They dropped the price several times and then ultimately found a buyer on July 2nd. That is some Independence Day. We are getting out. Let's go. How much money do you guys think they sold this house for?

They bought it for $1.35 million. What do you think? They desperately wanted out for years. Because of a stalker. So when they were listing it, they're like, great views. A stalker, though, to me, seems more real than this. And they were upfront about the stalker. I don't know.

I don't think so. In the listing on Zillow, it said great views, nice southwestern sunlight, a stalker. That's why they kept taking such a loss. Good fortune. Let's assume that they were. We'll find out. But I'm pretty sure they were. I'm going to guess $375,000.

Oh, my God. You think it dropped a million dollars? Yes sure they were. I'm going to guess $375,000. Oh my God. You think it dropped a million dollars? Yes. Okay, Jay, what do you think? $750,000. $750,000 from Jason Sklar. I think they're down to $625,000. $620,000.

They found a buyer on July 2nd to sell this for, and they say stalker, but there's no person also, guys. It seems like some sort of entity. Is it a ghost letter? Are the letters ghost? Okay, good.

They sold onuly 2nd for 959 000 wow all right all right 400 400 k that's not as bad as it the sale ends a long legal battle and a personal nightmare for the broadest who have been trying for years to escape the scrutiny of the watcher their nightmare began just a few days after they bought their home in 2014 when they found an anonymous letter left at the door. This is the letter. Allow me to welcome you to the neighborhood. Nope.

I don't like how nice it starts. I don't like it. I won't allow you to do anything. Allow me, douchebag. This is according to an in-depth feature in New York Magazine. Okay. Did, here's the letter. This is how it starts out.

Allow me to welcome you to the neighborhood. Did 657 Boulevard call you with its force within? Oh, jeez. No. I'm like, tell me there's an annoying teenager in this neighborhood. Yeah, that just seems like a weird loser. The letter writer claimed to be part of a long line of men charged with, quote,

watching and waiting for the centuries homes second coming quote do you told you it gets done I told you fucking loser do you know the history of the house do you know what lies within the walls of 657 boulevard

at this point I'm like I know the address yeah I live here you can stop reminding me know the address. I live here. You can stop reminding me of the address that I live. The first letter ended with a message. Let the party begin, and was signed, The Watcher.

That's a good sign-off. To someone who wants to be a comic book hero. It's so lamely written. I'd just be like, you're a fucking loser. Maybe that's how I'd react to every ghost. I would love. You're such a fucking, you've been hanging around this house since the 1700s. Get a life.

Just because your son died in here and you're haunting me, you're a fucking loser. Get a hobby, bro. Get a life, ghost. Rachel, I don't know why I called you Laura. Rachel, I would love if you took the letter in the house. Ten minutes later, came back out with punch-ups and like red notes. I have some notes. It's a good start, watcher.

This is a horrible start. Don't need to. Yeah. A few weeks later, the stalker sent another letter to criticize the couple for flooding the home with contractors

before asking about their three children. I'm like, okay, what retiree are you? Are the letters coming in the mail or are they being left at the doorstep? They're showing up on the doorstep. Oh, well then you gotta get a fucking ring. Get a ring door. Get a camera. I agree.

Wait, they're gonna sell the house before they just get a security camera? I agree. So now who's being dumb? Exactly. You're being a fucking loser now. I have seen them, the watcher wrote, according to the New York Magazine. Do you need to fill the house with the young blood I requested? Oh, no.

Better for me. What? This is hilarious, Frank. This is crazy. This is such a funny, because you could do this to any house in the neighborhood. This is nextdoor.com. Oh, this is so, this is a great way to actually stop gentrification. Because every fucking hipster who's moving into like echo park totally believes

in like spirits and the universe yeah you're ruining the universe you could totally fuck with some like the universe fighting back you could absolutely fuck with some like mid-30s white people you just need a dream catcher and a fountain pen the universe fighting back through a fierce letter writing campaign also could you uh could you imagine the posts on the Neighbor app? Nextdoor.com. Nextdoor for these people. Who's leaving the letter? We see you.

No, this is what the post is. I saw a dark-skinned man walking through our neighborhood, and I'm pretty sure he's the one leaving the letter. So this is the post. It would be a letter was left on it. Then the next one underneath the comment would be like, what type of paper was it on? Was it recycled? No, it wasn't recycled. That's the post. It would be a letter was left on the... Then the next one underneath the comment would be like, what type of paper was it on? Was it recycled? No, it wasn't recycled.

That's the problem. People aren't using recycled paper these days. And then suddenly it becomes that and you're like, next door. Also, if I could chime in my post. Speaking of recycling, some people aren't taking their bins all the way out. Speaking of recycling... You have 24 hours to get it in after the garage, after the garbage trucks pick it up. Don't take up a spot.

It means we can't park. My house is being haunted by a watcher. Well, maybe the watcher could take your bin in. Stop it next door. I'm one of those people who leaves my bins out all the time. Of course you do. Hey guys, I'm the watcher. If we could bring this back to me. Did you get that blood I requested

after you take your bins in? The Broaddus' reported the letters to police, but no suspects were ever identified. They tried to sue the home's former owners, but court records show they failed to convince a judge that the previous owners knew about the watcher. They unsuccessfully sued the town to demolish the home.

So they were like trying everything. It's a camera. Right. And also at that point, just hire a person to sit outside your house at all times. You're paying these court costs. And you're paying $400,000. 2014? Look at next sentence.

You called this. They even set up security cameras and hired a former FBI agent to investigate their neighbors to no avail. So they tried. But they found out a ton of shit. What if the FBI agent is the guy? Nothing. What if the letter is coming from within the house? It's her husband.

Or her. Wait, they set up cameras. They set up cameras. And it stopped. Then it stopped. I don't know that it did. Are you saying it's like Fight Club? The home's new owners, Andrew and Alice. She is the letter writer herself.

Why are you dragging them into this? The home's new owners, Andrew and Alice and Carr, double A if you're nasty, declined to speak to the New York Times and NewJersey.com on Friday. The Broaddus' can finally leave the home behind, although they won't be able to escape the story. Netflix bought the rights to adapt it late last year, deadline report. What's this TV show going to be? Right, how many times do you try to sell things to Netflix and you're like, this shit get in? Yes.

Oh my God. That's maybe the biggest crime of all. I had a fucking Christmas movie with Paul Feig and they went with this. Yeah, please. Yeah, no one fucking cares. That's bullshit. Well, it's up for grabs. So why don't we write a letter to Netflix saying,

you know this story is haunted. You know your building is haunted. Have you gotten the pitches I sent? Clearly you haven't. In blood. Have you seen that person who's striking outside Netflix for them to renew the OA? No.

The hunger strike. That's amazing. She's still going? I don't know. Maybe she tied. I don't know. I hope she didn't. If she did, she died doing what she loved. Yeah.

Striking. Supporting. Striking the OA. Watching Netflix. Lee Levitt, who represented the Broaddus' in their lawsuit against the former owner, says he's happy to hear about the sale. I hope this nightmare is behind them, he told NewJersey.com. I look forward to Netflix.

I hope this nightmare is behind them, but I'll still talk to any press that will have me. What if there's another side of this, where they bought this house and were trying to create a way to get it bulldozed so that they could build their own property on it, knowing that they can't just because they want to, because it seems so hard to get to. What if they're trying to get a Netflix show?

What if they're part of the Netflix show? I think they wrote the letter. I think they wrote the letters to themselves. Oh, my God. Actually, that's a brilliant way to end this. This would be the greatest. Yeah. If we could pull the plug out on this.

Okay, so if they sell the Netflix show and it goes. They didn't sell it. Someone else did. How? Who else? They're going to get some money. They get some money. If the money they get equals $400,000, then they got out of the house.

They got out. Maybe they just hated the neighborhood. They're like, we don't like our next door neighbors And we have to live the rest of our lives And they say So let's Write letters Create a campaign

Hire an FBI agent To cover our tracks Put up the security cameras We can't see anything And then sell the show The Watcher I once got a letter In my mailbox

But it was It was our Neighbor who since moved out Accusing us of cutting down Her bamboo But we didn't. But you didn't? We were having some work done in our backyard and like we cut some of the bamboo that was on our side of the fence.

She basically had a forest. Yeah. And she was like, stop cutting my bamboo. And then she moved out. I think we drove her. I imagine her always wearing a panda outfit. Is that right? It's on brand.

My bamboo. She was from China. She's in a house coat. She was 460 pounds. And she would like to sit cross-legged and eat the bamboo. So what's wrong with that? No one could get her to procreate. How much they tried.

We brought in another person and it just didn't take. Are we done? Is that our first story number one? First story. I hope if there's a townie out there that can go to 657 Boulevard this Halloween season. Please take a picture of yourself. Or if you're the watcher. Coming from your neighbor's house is the song House of Bamboo.

No. You too. Stop. All right. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town. Rachel Bloom's with us. Stay with us. Stick around.

Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We've got Rachel Bloom. Please follow her on all social media. Golden Globe winner, Rachel Bloom. Emmy this year. That just happened. For the lyrics and music to the opening song, or is it to more songs?

For antidepressants. We were nominated for our opening song. But you got for another song that you wrote in the show. Yes, and I didn't even have to live in a house getting frequent letters. And you actually did. Look what you did. That is so amazing. I mean, obviously, the show itself is incredible and amazing.

Thank you. But to then be rewarded for it and appreciated for the work that you put out there. Because very difficult to A, write a show. B, write a show that has music in it that is funny and great. How do I know it's funny and great? We watched it and my daughter loves it so much that she just plays the songs nonstop,

which is fantastic. That makes me very happy. You should be happy. And, but it makes me happy because I'm like, oh, you get comedy. Isn't that the good moment? That makes me very happy. Hearing that from fellow comedians

who I deeply, deeply respect. Thank you. Makes me very happy. Well, but fellow comedians who I deeply, deeply respect. Thank you. Makes me very happy. Well, but there's a moment. So when you have kids and your kid does something that tells that he or she gets it. They gravitate to the right moment. I can't even. I took my kids.

I mentioned this on the show before. Maybe you mentioned. I took my kids to see Vampire Weekend last week. Oh, I was at that. You were at that show? Yeah, the Hollywood Bowl one? Yes. Yeah.

Amazing. Amazing show to see a band at their prime and a band that i just love and they were there and they knew the album and they loved it and there was just a moment we were all there and i was like oh this is the best this is the best of the best of the best so vampire weekend songs are really good for kids because those melodies are like like they're very upbeat yeah why do you have to play baby shark you could just play like vampire weekend all the time all day long but anyway so congratulations thank you so much thank you i remember back in the day of like we didn't do a lot of ucb shows together but like shows and stuff and like you would you know do some songs and i'm like god this you're a fucking crusher oh

and then when the show came about i'm like not only is it somebody getting a show which we've we know a lot of people if we used to be gotten, not only is it somebody getting a show, which we know a lot of people who used to be who have gotten shows, but it's someone getting a show that is their thing. I don't think people understand this. Creating their path. But that's the thing is like, I'll get questions in interviews like, oh my gosh, so you write and act. And as if that's novel, it's like, yeah. That's what I've always been doing. But that's what people around me are doing.

You're just not seeing. There are so many good television shows that have never gotten made. I mean, think about all the pilots of people we know from UCB that are like amazing shows that just never get made. And so I think that that's something

that I was always really grateful for that there's an element of, sure, I work hard, but there are so many people I know who work hard and have amazing work and just didn't get that one network person to believe in their particular idea. And champion you through because they could have all exceeded and exceeded expectations and whatnot, but it still doesn't diminish how unbelievable it is. Because wherever you are in the process, you have a great idea. You're like, we're going to execute this really well. Then you need a little bit of luck and a little bit of help and then it

gets out there and you're like i hope it finds an audience of people and i'm sure your audience of fans are like the most rabid fans they are super fucking rabid but isn't that great because you're like i poured my whole self into this this is me you love this then you will love me it's incredible yes it's it, it's incredibly satisfying and to the point where Crazy Ex ended, I was like, I mean,

we just performed at Radio City and I was like, well, I mean, the only thing that can really emotionally top this

right now is getting pregnant because this whole experience has been so profound and so it was me chasing that profundity high. Well,

look what you got. You're going to make a little person. Yeah, make a little. I hope she's okay. It's a weird thing where like, you know, you can't really. I had this app on my phone called Tiny Beats where you can supposedly hear the heartbeat. Yeah. And I've been hearing it the past couple nights.

But then I put it to my chest and I heard the same type of heartbeat. So now I'm like. It's a scam. I don't think it's a scam. I think it's picking up my own heartbeat from my abdomen or whatever. So like I hope the baby's a scam I don't think it's a scam I think it's picking up My own heartbeat From my abdomen or whatever So like I hope the baby's growing I think You think you gotta get

Tiny beats by Dre Yeah those are better Cause they put it right In your ears Earphones you put around Your stomach and then you do it Well you're gonna cook up A funny baby

That's what's gonna happen Thank you Funny and talented baby Let's cook that up Shall we cook up another story Let's do it Let's do it Alright here we go ready

Sent in by Pat McMopat, at McMopat, M-C-M-O-P-A-T. Thanks so much. You're a lovely woman. A woman. See, I said it was, right?

I'm assuming that Pat It's Pat. Why not? It's Pat. We don't know. Julia Sweeney, the best. A woman in the U.S. has set a bizarre new

Guinness World Record that could be about to put you off mayonnaise for life. Okay, so now I'm going to ask you before we even know what this is. Is this a record that she wanted, or do you think she just wanted to be known as someone who has a Guinness world record?

Put you off mayonnaise for life. I think she would want it. I think she wants. She's like, I just love this, or I need to have something define me in this record. Anybody here not a mayonnaise person? I'll eat it. I like it. I'll this, or I need to have something define me in this record. Are you guys, anybody here not a mayonnaise person? I'll eat it. I like it.

I'll go mayonnaise or Miracle Whip. No, Miracle Whip. I love how much mayonnaise is used in an undercover brother. Mayonnaise was the thing that all white people, it's the symbol of what you just throw the thing of mayonnaise on there. That's also what Jews think about Gentiles. Right. They're all just eating mayonnaise on white bread all the time. Isn't that like old

in a Woody Allen movie? Yeah. So and so, she orders like Annie Hall, I think she orders a meal like at a restaurant. She's like I'll have a ham sandwich with mayonnaise on white bread. And then like it's and he's like I'll have a plate

of mashed yeast. Also, there's the episode of Curb where Larry thinks he's adopted and that he's not really Jewish

and I think he starts eating mayonnaise and he's so happy. Okay, so that's the, well, mayo, maybe Ireland's

most popular bottled condiment. So now you know that. Is it? But the antics of Michelle Cardboard Shell Les lesko that is her nickname is cardboard shell michelle cardboard shell she's a cardboard shell of herself

may be out to change all that let's go a world famous competitive eater and maths teacher by day maths i love that they call it this comes from theirishpost.com. The world's famous teacher and maths teacher by day. That's good. Maths teacher by day. It's mediocre. Michelle, this week, set a new world record for consuming an amount of mayonnaise. Oh, my God. Incredibly, the Arizona-based educator managed to set a record for eating the most mayonnaise

in a space of just three minutes. So she's not Irish. Guinness is Irish. And this is the moment where you realize that the Guinness Book of World Records, Guinness from the Guinness Book of World Records is a beer. Yes. So you realize people got drunk on Guinness and were like, we should record world records.

Is that the same Guinness? Same Guinness. Did not know that. See, now you know. You just learned it. Like Michelin. Right. The star and the tire.

Sure. That will never make sense to me. The tire's rating. I, now you know. You just learned it. Like Michelin. The star and the tire. Sure. That will never make sense to me. The tire's rating. I know. Over the course of 180 seconds. It is not. Michelin and Michelin. Yeah, no, it's the same. Yes, it is. Is it? Yes.

You guys are shitting me. No, we are not. The tire company is also the food. Because they created like a travel thing in like the 50s or 60s. And then that became this prestigious rating. Right. Because you could go around on your tires and visit all these restaurants. If you want to get a Michelin star, just serve all your meal in a tire. And did you know that James Beard owns a Jiffy Lube?

And do you know that he just does- Stop it. I'm kidding. Okay. We're getting a lot of- You guys have eaten at a three-star Michelin restaurant before, right? It's unreal. Yeah, I just ate at Alinea when I was in Chicago.

Okay, it's unreal, right? It's great. I mean, now it's also, that's dinner and a show. I know. But one of the guys, Duffy, who started, he was at Alinea, and then he created Grace, which is a Netflix documentary about it. Oh. And he did it with his partner, Michael Muser,

who's become a good buddy of mine. So they created Grace, which became a three-star restaurant. I got to eat there. It is the Michelin. I told you. Why did you doubt them, man? Because you always say it in French

and no one's ever said the title. Michelin. Michelin. Michelin. A Michelin. All right, so I went to there to watch that. I don't want to give anything. Watch the documentary to find out about grace.

But it's anyway, it's amazing answer. And then they're opening another restaurant called ever. If you're ever in Chicago and you want to go, I can. The food in Chicago is, that is a great food town. Okay.

So over the course of just a hundred. Speaking of great food. 180 seconds, Michelle succeeded in consuming how many ounces of mayonnaise? Do you guys think? She's a competitive eater, so- She is competitive. She's got an area of her stomach. Come on. 180 seconds.

How many ounces is a jar? I think this is like- 16? 16 or 12. All right. So you're saying in 180 seconds, which is three minutes, how much did cardboard shovel down? I'm going to guess four jars.

Wait, 180 seconds, so that's a couple minutes. Oh, God. It doesn't take much to chew it. No, you don't have to chew it all. It just goes straight down. This actually is making me very queasy. What did you say, four jars?

Four jars would be about 48 ounces. Well, that depends on the size. Four times 16, that's 64 ounces. I think that the jar, we would go. She's really not feeling good. Just say a number. Imagine that a jar is 24 ounces. Oh, a jar is 24.

Sure. So now it's 16. But you said four, so we'll do the math for you. All right? No, now that I'm thinking it's two and a half minutes, I think she managed to eat. Three minutes. It's three minutes?

Yeah. I think she managed to do eight jars. Eight jars of 24 ounces. Those competitive eaters are fucking nuts. It is. 180, so 182. 182 ounces. Jay, what do you say?

I'm going to say 150 ounces. That's actually 192. 192. 192. 150. 150. Randy? My math is wrong.

I'm going to say she had 300 ounces. 300 ounces. Come on, man. Okay. Yeah. Because it goes down fast. They open their to say she had 300 ounces. 300 ounces. Come on, man. Because it goes down fast. They open their throats. She is feeling queasy. Deep throats of miracle whip. Michelle succeeded in consuming

a whopping 2,000. Hold on. It's not. It's a conversion. 2,448 grams for an equivalent of 86 ounces. Wow. what did you say? I said 150. Which equates to the equivalent of three and a half jars with four jars. You have four jars

right before. Yes. I'm going to give you the win there. Wow. Her efforts were recorded for proof and prosperity by Guinness and make for a difficult viewing. I love that little editorial note right there. This woman's record

and her future open casket will make for a difficult viewing. Ranked number nine in the world by the International Federation of Competitive Eaters. Top ten, baby. We know the IFOC. I know. And Major League Eating, Patrick Bertoletti, a buddy of ours. Michelle took up

speed eating after two of her male friends backed out of a challenge to eat 12 patties, 12 slices of cheese, lettuce, tomato, and a burger. This is how people get into comedy, and this is how people get into acting. Somebody else doesn't go up. They came along on an audition, and they said they got nervous. So I put my name in. I walked in, and now I'm like Dom DeLuise or something. Michelle tackled it with little fuss and has not looked back since the three Guinness World Records.

And since has three Guinness World Records. The Marvelous Miss Miracle Whip. As well as setting a new mayonnaise record, Michelle also holds the title for fastest time to eat a bowl of pasta. Does anyone want to take this guess? Oh, wow. It's plain pasta? I could eat pasta every fucking day.

I know. It's not good for you. I know. Fastest time to eat a bowl. A bowl of pasta. Anybody want to take a guess? Because you do have to comment. 10 seconds.

10 seconds from Rachel Bloom. Five seconds. Five from Jason. 15 seconds. 15. Took her 26.69 seconds. Oh. She also has the fastest time. Five from Jason. 15 seconds. 15. Took her 26.69 seconds. She also has the fastest time. Yeah, exactly.

Get another number ready. I'll do it in five. Get another number ready because she has the fastest time to eat a hot dog with no hands. Is that? Of course a woman is master at that. I know. Hey! Folks!

Don't be proud of that. No hands. A fastest time to eat a hot dog with no hands. Yeah. Five seconds. Is picking it up part of it? It must be. Okay.

Because that could take a couple seconds. So you're thinking in five seconds you can get down to table and gullet it? Five. Come on. No, you know what? I'll say eight seconds. Okay, eight. Like riding a bull.

Yeah, I was too small last time, so I'm going to say... Also a great movie, Luke Perry, R.I.P. Thirteen, yeah. I was going to say eight seconds. Twelve seconds. Twelve?

Gee, play along, Townies. Come on, if you aren't already jumping on this one. Shout at your ham radius. She had a hot dog with no hands in 21.6 seconds. Standing not so tall at 5'4". Come on, back off.

It's not that short. 5'4 isn't that bad. Michelle puts her speed eating success down to her fast metabolism, though she admits a fair amount of practice is required, including a spot of stomach stretching. The biggest misconception about competitive eating is that all of us are like 500 pounds and 10 feet tall. That's the truth. She told the Guinness World Records website.

10 feet tall. By the way, 10 feet told the Guinness World Records website. 10 feet tall. By the way, 10 feet tall would be a Guinness record. Yeah. Back in the day, when they first started these contests, they would pull people from the audience and they picked people that they thought could eat the most. So I think that's where it came from. Even so, we'll close out here.

It's probably best you don't try this at home. You'll never look at mayonnaise the same way again. I'll never look at you the same way again. You're disgusting. I mean, but how... The same way again. You're disgusting. The crazy thing is, that is a skill. To eat food like that, it is a skill. There's a picture of her shoveling

and she looks angry about it. By the way, that picture will be on our Facebook page. If you want to join the Dumb People Dumb Facebook page, get on it and join the Patreon as well. She's kind of cute. Who cares? Look at her gulleting this. I like her. I's kind of cute. Who cares? Look at her. Go litting this. Good for her. I like her.

I like the flannel. You do the math. I'm just really picturing all that madness. Don't do it. Don't do it. Don't go down there. We'll take a break. Damn, tease us on our last quick story.

What's our last story? Our last story is, is I scroll back. Oh. Wedding plans. Got a wedding. Great. Here we go. Wedding plans.

Rachel blows with us. It's Dumb People Down. Stay with us. Stick Great. Here we go. Wedding plans. Rachel blows with us. It's Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT, Dumb People Town.

Yes. Want to remind people, what's the next thing we can catch people? We're in Denver at the end of the month doing shows at Comedy Works the best comic club ever you can see me on tour go to danielvankirk.com and catch shows in Louisville, Nashville Rochelle, Milwaukee

and Cincinnati Rochelle use the final one oh nice and you're doing live shows at Largo right I have a monthly residency at Largo

great and then when was this air this will probably air in like a week or two oh great I have a Texas show end of October

and then I have a Denver show in November Nice Come see us and then come see her Where would people go to find those details Just my website racheldoesstuff.com Yeah racheldoesstuff.com And I look forward to whatever the next project is For you and from you

I'm sure it's all in it's cooking as we speak It's literally cooking It's growing fingernails as we speak I love it Okay ready let's do it It's cooking as we speak as well. It's literally cooking. It's growing fingernails as we speak. I love it. Okay, ready? Let's do it. Final story sent in by Beck S at DRBX underscore. Dr. Beck's, maybe?

Okay. Here we go. In an ode to true love, KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken. They should not be weighing in on this. In an ode to love, KFC Australia has announced the launch of KFC Weddings, the first ever wedding service for nuptials that guarantees to be finger-licking good.

There is something that just went off in you that said I would do this. That's a great idea. This is a great idea. I'm not a KFC person, but this is a great idea. Fuck it, let's get the bucket. That's a term of endearment. That is the sign.

If a woman says that to a man and he says yes. You better put a wing on it. Thank you, Dan. I couldn't have said it. At Sklar Brother. Wait, we didn't do that. You did that.

That's a biscuit on the side of that one. Fried Chicken Fanatics will get a chance to, oh, you know what? Maybe I subconsciously read this. I swear to God. Put a wing on it. Yep.

Maybe a chance to put a wing on it. Yours is funnier. Yeah, well... Yours is better. Yours was the same. Well, exactly. They didn't invoke Beyonce, so... The Fried Chicken Fanatics will get a chance to put a wing on it and win one of six KFC

catered weddings. Couples getting married between October 28th and May 31st, 2020 can win the prize by lodging an application form explaining why they want the ultimate KFC wedding. I'm just saying, if you show up to a wedding and it is KFC

catered, you are going to be like, let's do this. That's awesome. Wedding food sucks. My grandfather was a racist plantation owner. I deserve a KFC wedding. Along with getting to smash freshly cooked chicken, courtesy of the KFC food truck, the happy

couple will also get a KFC-themed celebrant to make it an official. What does that mean? A white guy in a suit? I don't know. A celebrant? A KFC photo booth to capture those happy memories. The Colonel. The Colonel. That's it. Colonel's coming. Custom KFC buckets and musical

entertainment to get the first dance kicked off in true style. Remember when Reba McIntyre was the Colonel? Like they were using all those names. A lot of funny people have been the Colonel. This way it sounds like a hoot. Yeah, it sounds great. Here's the promotional picture. Oh, that's great.

Oh, that's great. It actually looks great. All of these photos will be on the Facebook page. So wait, it's a bucket of flowers. It's a bucket of flowers. Who catches the... It's fantastic. It's a bouquet of flowers.

There it is. A bouquet of flowers. So they'll get to do us a style. This prize package of a KFC wedding is valued at how much do you guys think they're valuing? You get the photo booth, the food truck. You get the celebrant. What is a celebrant? Is that the colonel?

They said the celebrant to make it all official. So I believe in Australia, maybe that's what they call the officiant. Oh, is it in Australia? It's KFC Australia. The world loves KFC across the world. Yeah. How much? You don't have to go first, Richard. You can go Tigger across the world. Yeah. How much? You don't have to go first, Rachel.

You can go Tigger or third if you want. You want to hear what our suggestions are? Okay, go. I'm going to say, are they converted into American dollars? Yeah. I'm going to say $9,000. Are you joking? For $9,000, you can buy your own KFC franchise.

$9,000? Are you for real? That's what I'm going to say. Rachel, do you want to go next or do you want me to go? You act like somebody just said Michelin made tires and reviewed restaurants.

I'm flabbergasted. Well, they're providing, it sounds like, a band. A band? That's what I'm saying. A photo booth. There's a lot. Catering, photo booth.

You make fun of me. $9,000 is my thing and I'm sticking to it. No, I'm going to guess, well, and it's outside of LA because there's always a new... Thank you. I'm going to guess it's, and it's outside of LA because there's always an... Thank you. I'm going to guess it's a $30,000 wedding.

Okay. So you think it's $30,000? Yes. Wow. Okay. Randy? I was going to say $2,500. Okay.

Yeah. No, but think about it. It's catering. It's a food truck. I know. It's bands. It's a band. It's also various decorations.

This prize package is valued at... Defibrillators. Play along, Connie. It's wherever you decorations. This prize package is valued at... Defibrillators. Play along, Connie. It's wherever you are. Do they bring defibrillators? They should bring defibrillators. The prize package is valued at $35,000. Who's planned a wedding?

I have too, but that just... Rachel, I'm here just firing hot shots. How long ago were you guys married? 2001, so that just, wow. Rachel, I'm here just firing hot shots. How long ago were you guys married? 2001, so that's a long time ago. Yeah, 2015, baby. I have a friend who got a band. The band alone was 12 grand.

It's so expensive. Weddings are really expensive. I've done bat mitzvahs, but Jesus Christ. Winners will be judged on their originality, creative merit, and independent expression shared in the entry. Dude, you want to win this. You want to win this. See if you can renew your vows KFC style.

Do it! In Melbourne? How great would that be? Will they do, what is it, the Britmalah? The ladybress? The ladybress. The naming, the baby naming? Terms and conditions state you must have the consent of your partner once you've entered.

You can't chicken out. You can't chicken out. You can't chicken out. I don't want to hear that. KFC is all about living your best life by eating fried chicken. This is a great promotion. And we were flattered that so many of our fans are showing that Aussie I believe this is Larkin Spirit by asking

and if I said it wrong, I'm not Australian. My son, by the way, loves KFC. Larkin Spirit. Loves KFC. Get him a child bride. I'm thinking about it. Child bride'm not Australian. My son, by the way, loves KFC. Loves KFC. Get him a child bride. I'm thinking about it. Child bride. Child bride from Brisbane. By asking us to be a part of their big day, KFC Australia

managing director Nikki Lawson said, so I believe you can still enter in to win this. Go for it. And we have fans in Australia. To our fans in Australia, someone better enter this. Someone better win it. And I want pictures., win this, shatter this. Someone better win it and I want pictures and I want all the information.

Oh, I'm going to say this. If you win it and it's enough fans, you better show up and we'll do entertainment. I will not out the gate say no. I will try to see if I can make an effort

to be there. At this wedding. You hear that, Australia? There you go. And we'll do a live Dumb People Town from your rehearsal day to rehearsal day.

Oh, wow. So they're spending $30,000. It's six weddings, $30,000. They're spending $30,000. It's six weddings, $30,000. They're spending $180,000 for this promotion. Not much for a marketing budget. Yeah. And look what they just did. They got to all of our fans.

They heard about it. They're on Dumb People Town now. That's really smart. You're on Dumb People Town, and you got the attention of Rachel Bloom. All right. And Rachel won. What a get. Olive Garden used to send me the Neverending Pasta Pass every year, and I haven't gotten

it yet for this year. Ooh. That's a good one. Dan, have you been a part of the Neverending Pasta Pass? No, but I would never turn it down. Yeah year. That's a good one. Dan, you've had that. Have you been a part of the Never End? No, but I would never

turn it down. That's great. Pasta every day, Dan. Old pasta every day. Dan Van Kirk over there. That's right. All right, there you go.

That's our show. That's it. Rachel Bloom, thank you so much for joining us on the show. It's Dumb People Doing Dumb Things. Joy to have you here.

We'll have you back. We'll maybe have you do a live one with us at one point. Oh, we'd love to. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, to. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. It's Dumb People Town.