Dumb People Town - Rachel Feinstein - Big Guy Run Amuck

Episode Date: May 21, 2024

Comedian Rachel Feinstein (Big Guy on Netflix) stops by as Randy describes a man that claims Elon Musk when he stole alcohol from stores, Jason explains why huskies ran wild in a Chinese mall, and Daniel tells about a World Record hair ball, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Faherty! Faherty Brand is offering 20% off your first order when you go to fahertybrand.com/dpt and enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout.  

Dan and Ren and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. Don't listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Members, don't be a jerk We sweat the music, it's the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hungry Down is Dumb People Town Guys, I'm all in on Faraday's well-crafted clothes, laid-back vibes, and if you're new to the brand, you gotta check out their movement collection.

I'm wearing the movement pants. Faraday is a family-builtbuilt values-driven brand that crafts clothes for life's great moments whether it's that all-day surf session a road trip with your family going on stage and doing stuff at a comedy festival or a bonfire on the beach for listeners of our show verity brand is offering 20 off your first order when you enter the promo code 20DPT at checkout. Go to FaradayBrand.com slash DPT. That's F-A-H-E-R-T-Y-B-R-A-N-D dot com slash DPT and check them out. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Rachel Feinsteinstein. Hi. Hello. It's me. Welcome to town. It's marvelous to be here. This is New York and L.A. right now.

I am so happy that you're here. We get to hang out a lot of times at festivals. Sometimes we've hung out in New York, but you are in L.A. This is so wonderful that we get to have you on the podcast. And your marvelous mother is here. Our mother is here. That's fantastic. She looks amazing. Our mom.

That's how nice our mom is. Our mom sees Rachel and the first thing she says is, you look amazing. I'm like, you've never seen her before. She does look amazing, but like you've never. She has nothing to compare it to. I hit on her first. I said she looks very gorgeous. You did.

And then your Aunt Lois was like, all right, easy with the energy, Rachel. Get serious in your life, Rachel. I'm staying with my Aunt Lois was like, all right, easy with the energy, Rachel. Get serious in your life, Rachel. I'm staying with my Aunt Lois this weekend and she's just scolding me the whole week. She goes, you need to have some systems, young lady. You don't have any systems and you left a pill on the floor that could have killed the cat.

I did. I'm always like shedding. Yes, I left a Zyrtec and Lois was like, you need systems and that Zyrtec could have killed a cat you know like i'm like a quaking mess and lois like is like the kind of how like the tightest structure ship yes structure like her pill she's left a zyrtec on the floor day i need a system i feel like it's like a multi-level marketing could one zyrtec that is the question but these are like

great questions for dumps got eight more lives so yeah you gotta almost killed kitty i'm like you gotta have a better name for a cat i can't believe it kitty is so uncreative no come on what does lois do what does lois she's a realtor perfect and lois runs a tight ship you can't put your luggage in the trunk that's where all my signs are whenever i call her with any problem, she should go, ah, ah, ah, ah. You're all over the place. Shut up. Just listen to me. You're all over the place.

I just said hi. How am I all over the place? She's always like, it's an earthquake, and your daughter will do the same thing. She'll leave her debit card everywhere if you don't stop it now. No, you know what it is? I love this. Your daughter, I'm'm gonna say this because your daughter's gonna be aunt lois no no your daughter is good that's right so the way you

describe your parents is like they're who were disappointed that you weren't gay who are like yeah you were the most liberal people the most yeah so you then you marry like a fireman like that it's gonna cycle back the other way your Your daughter's going to become Aunt Lois. A liberal crazy aunt. Is my daughter going to be like, maybe you're right because my mom's dad, if you had an opinion of the dinner table, they would call their own kids commies. And that's probably, if my daughter calls me a commie,

that's going to make my life. Maybe you're a commie rat if you had an opinion of the dinner table. Is there anything funnier than calling your own kid a rat? Kids are rats. You keep that mouth shut if you had an opinion of the dinner table. Is there anything funnier than calling your own kid a rat? No. Kid's a rat. You're a rat. You keep that mouth shut, and you leave the Zyrtec on the floor for the cats. So, all right, we are in Dumb People Town,

which is wonderful. The world's getting dumber, and we have stories to prove it. I actually have the first story, and normally we're on an iPad, but we printed these out for you because, Rachel, we're just so happy you're here. All right, and we'll get to what you have going on. An amazing special that we're going to encourage everyone. I'm very, so happy all right we'll get to what's what you have going on an amazing special that we're going to encourage very excited but we'll get to

that first we have a story sent in by our good friend matthew friedman at not your average matt thank you buddy this was sent in last november okay here is the claim and by this is the headline headline and there's a claim in the headline thief claims elon musk was controlling his mind when he stole from morrison's iceland aldi's and savers in margate have you ever been down to margate jersey shore jersey shore yes i've been to jersey okay is that three places or just one that he stole so i don't know what Iceland is. Maybe the Iceland is maybe like a... No idea. No idea. Maybe like a snow cone stand? Probably. Morrison's is like

Wait, is that like a Jewish deli? Is that a back doctor? Iceland. You put a lot of ice on it. Right. So he stole from all these places, but he said Elon Musk was in his brain controlling his mind telling him to do it. All right. Cause of the chip thing.

A prolific, is that it? First of all, I'm on his side so far. That's right. He could be right. He's like, look,

he got Elon Musk, got grimes to have a baby with him. That's right. Yeah. Grimes. And they named, and they named it. How fucked up would that be if Elon Musk was controlling your mind? And nobody's going to believe you.

I mean, yeah, that's, I mean, that's the thing you're trying to convince. This is a great movie. They're trying to convince people that Elon Musk is a prolific thief who swiped alcohol from shops, smashing bottles in one and downing wine in another claimed Elon Musk was controlling

his mind. He's definitely controlling mine. Right. Bold move, by the way, to steal wine and drink it on the spot. And pound wine? That's not really something you can do. That'd be like Winona Ryder standing in the closet. So far, he's a fun-loving guy. I love this.

I'll hang out with him. He's like the guy that gets kicked out of the party at an 80s movie and then he keeps coming back in through different entrances. He's like, yeah, me again, but I got a fish in my shirt. How did he come up through the toilet? Dan, what were you saying? I was going to ask, have any of you guys ever been in a party state where you were just drinking from the bottle?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. From a wine bottle? Champagne. Well, that's fun. Champagne is fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Straight from the bottle.

But wine from the bottle feels like. Wine from the bottle feels like it's in a paper bag and she's not coming back. Yeah, I'm not name dropping, but I drank strawberry boons out of this guy's backseat of his car because I come for money. And I was 16, dressed as a cowgirl on Halloween. I was 16. He was 43. And we drove all the way.

He was 43. I was molested. No, he was trying to hook up with my friend. I was just in the backseat of a cowgirl's costume drinking boons. Just a lonely cowgirl. And it was Halloween. And we just had this idea that we were going to go to New York City and come back

one day and instead we drank so much boons and then we got there he started tripping so he couldn't drive back and he decided that we should live in New York and like and like you should live in New York like what is society anyway what is high school and I'm like Howard Feinstein

is going to kick my ass. Can I tell you this? I think he was being controlled by Elon Musk. Yes! That's absolutely right! Elon Musk came up with a time machine, went back in time, controlled this guy's mind. I don't want to say it, but you're trying to get away from society and start a whole new way. Why are you going to Dixon?

It's like some commie rat shit to me. No, you're right. He was a commie rat. He was. He was absolutely a rat. Are you guys ready for the perfect name for this thief? Yes. I mean, this is a perfect name.

I feel like we all went to high school with this guy. Ricky Hodgkins. Oh, my God. That's too much. Oh, little Ricky. Little Ricky Hodgkins. I blame his mother. She was very overwhelming.

She smothered him. She was very domineering. And that's the only way he feels free is if he's doing like a whore crawl in a 7-Eleven and drinking wine out of the bottle did you hear what happened to little Ricky Hodgkin

what happened he stole from five stores oh my goodness he is from Margate now if you're from the Jersey Shore you grew up there this isn't where you vacation

you're from the Jersey Shore where's this in relation to Tom's River because my buddy lived there and that's where I've been is this south of Tom's River I don't know you would know better than me Margate is closer Tom's River is very close to Bar lived there and that's where I've been. Is it south of Tom's River? I don't know. You would know better than me.

Tom's River is very close to Barnegat because that's where my mother-in-law lives. Down ashore. What is his first name again? His name is Ricky Hodgkins. You know that there's another kid that she has to put all the focus on. She's like, my one son is a podiatrist. David is doing well. David is doing well. David is doing great.

When they say, how are your kids? She says, David is doing great. Dr. David. What is... Ricky is Ricky, but David is doing great. I saw Ricky with some Jaeger on his forehead in Tom's River last week. Oh, wow, he's going to be...

What's he doing? He's making shot week. Oh, wow. He's going to be. What's he doing? He's making shot glasses. Oh. Told magistrates the business tycoon inserted a chip into his brain. Which sent him into a chaotic crime spree around his hometown. I'm going to show you a picture of him. Okay. This is, and we'll show it right here, little Ricky Hodgkins.

Oh, that's too. Oh, he looks like a Nazi, he looks like a European villain. He looks like a little Nazi. He does. He looks like a John Early character. A little Aryan character here. He looks like the oldest kid from Home Improvement. He would make a suit out of my skin.

I'm terrified. He does look like a grown-up child star. Yeah, he totally does. Five stores, five shops in two days. Whoa. After breaking bottles in Morrison's, stuffing another one down his trousers, following his arrest. Trousers? Trousers.

And after his arrest, he initially refused responsibility. What? I didn't do that. What? Of course. What bottle? You made this guy so funny. What trousers?

Me? As he's smashing it? I would say that Ricky Hodgkin's and accountability have never hung out. Exactly. They're not familiar with each other right instead manifesting a story about mr moss controlling his bodily functions with the chip in his head but hodgkins who had previously had previous convictions for stealing so who was controlling you back then that was the vaccine that was the vaccine that was modern was sent it sentenced

at margate magistrate's court after pleading guilty to all five counts of theft the court heard last wednesday how he targeted morrison savers ic, and Aldi over a two-day spree. So, like, he planned this out ahead of time. Wait, they're saying stuff like magistrate and trouser. And that was before the booster. Is this in Iceland? I don't know. Maybe it is in Iceland.

I don't think so. Because he looks very Euro. I know. Prosecutor Terry Knox outlined Hodgkin's bizarre reason for having initially denied the crimes. I was informed that the basis of the defense was that at the age of four, he had a chip of some sort inserted in him. What the fuck? Okay, I don't know how old this kid is. And was being controlled by Elon Musk to commit these offenses.

This is the original hot chip challenge. Yeah, but what's Elon doing when this guy's four? Do you have pets? Do you have a dog or anything? No, I don't. I did growing up, but not now. Did you just kill cats with Zyrtec? Yes.

I killed a cat. You put a chick. Oh, no. No, she's alive and well. She didn't eat my Zyrtec. I took it off the carpet and ate it myself. That's right. Hairy and all.

Okay, so the court heard Hodgkins went to Morrison's in college, in college walk, Margate at 5 p.m. and smashed two bottles of alcohol on the floor. Security guard followed him as he walked across to Iceland, picked up four cans of beer and went to leave. He put the cans down and said, I've got nothing on me. The security guard approached him and removed a bottle of wine he had stashed in his trousers. You can't say I've got nothing on me when you got a bottle

of wine. He was talking about money. Oh. He said I have nothing on me. I have no money. I got no cash. I got no cash. I can pay for this. You can pay for this. Lawyer explained Hodgkin's immediately made his way to discount store Savers where he then stole a bottle of wine and drank it on site.

You're not going to put that down your pants. Is this a new kind of Hodgkin's disease? This is. Stealing? He then moved on to the Aldi supermarket in Zion Place

and stuffed a further bottle down his trousers then left without paying. This is making me feel sorry for the guy with like the massive dick that just keeps getting accused of different crimes.

What? I swear it's just me. It's not me. I don't have a bottle. Last week we had a guy in here. Yeah, last week we had a guy in here and it was a bottle. You got it's just me. I don't have a bottle. Last week we had a guy in here. Yeah, last week we had a guy in here and it was a bottle. You gotta unzip it. Magistrates heard the following day. My grandmother said,

sometimes it's a bottle and sometimes it's a cock. You never know. It's just very difficult to tell. This is who? Your mom's mom or your dad's mom? Jessica Kirsten. Thank you. This is Rosalind Schneider. Everybody, pull your Thank you. This is Rosalind Schneider. Everybody, cool your erections

at home. Rosalind Schneider. That's so funny. Schneider. Rosalind Schneider has had the same haircut for 60 years. Oh, yes. Her and her sister Edith and Helen. Edith Schneider, Helen Schneider, and Rosalind Schneider. Never spoke. Never spoke

again. Oh, they didn't speak to each other. But they maintained the same haircut over what? An argument about somebody's dish at Hanukkah? No. That's right. Someone didn't bring the right dish. Rosalind Schneider threw a marvelous affair. Of course she did.

And then what happened? And it was this terrible twat, my sister Rita. Oh, God. She doesn't care about people. And she had insulted my... Her husband in the background. She doesn't care about people. And she had insulted her husband in the background. She doesn't care about people. Continue. Rosalind, continue. Continue. She doesn't care about anyone. He's got her back.

She was like, I made a brisket. It took seven hours. That's right. You gotta steep it in the juices. I had to steep it in the juices. In its own juices. It's gotta bathe in the juices. Rosalind, tell them. The blood comes out. It sits in its own juices. It's got to bathe in the juices. Rosalind, tell them. The blood comes out.

It sits in its own blood. Do you believe? You understand this? I said it was marvelous. It was served with shame and resentment. What did she do? For real, what happened? She had a few bites of it, and then she said,

something's off with the sauce. Something's off with the sauce? And I said, said bitch you're dead to me. I will not be attending your funeral. Oh my god. And that was it. And I wish that I was making this up that I was creative enough.

Something's off with the sauce. Something's off with the sauce. In front of all of my guests. And they didn't talk ever again? Never again. They wished death upon each other. They were both, and by the way,

my grandma was the most delightful woman I'd ever known, and Edith too, but they had the same voice and every time they would call, they were so much fun, you know, like my grandma would give me ice cream

for breakfast with sugar on it just to piss my mom off. Classic. And then we would go to the pool and then she would say, oh, my gosh, I still cannot believe what a terrible bitch to ruin such a marvelous affair. She'd tell you.

Jealousy, yes. And then they would both call my house, and they had the same voice. So Edith would be like, do you know who this is? No. And my mom would look at me like, just say it's my loved relative or something. Guys, you don't want your grandma to know that she's calling. Yes, my mom was always- By the way, the chutzpah for her to call your grandma's house,

was it your house? No, no, she would call my house when I was home. So you would talk to Edith. We both lived in Palo Alto within two miles from each other, but they would both take turns calling my house in Bethesda and both of them would say, do you know who this is? And then my mom would

look at me like just don't say the wrong name yeah oh my god if you said Rosalyn and it was Edith and vice versa you're like the woman day a gentle sundress I would not be alive what'd you say the woman with the best hair in the world that's right it's your auntie you know my favorite haircut all right would have been the answer. Thank you. Dan. All right, so Mr. Knox said Hodgkins has a long history with the courts

with how many thefts in these types of... How many has he had in the history? Are we including these five? Let's include these five. Long history. Jeez. Total, how many thefts? Is this guy gone and stole?

I'm going to go with a lucky 70. Okay, what do you think? I say 14. Okay, Daniel? I'll go 9. Get your answers in, Townies, because he has had 56 thefts. Oh, Rachel, you're right.

There with him. He initially appeared before the magistrates on July 28th when he pled not guilty to the five theft charges. Of course he pled not guilty. He has since been held on remand and his solicitor, Gemma Adams, told the court that he had decided to change his plea. The reason for the delay in this case is that previously Mr. Hodgkins pled not guilty. It's like him being like, what? I don't have anything on me.

Oh, wait. This bottle of wine down my pants. The psychiatric report was ordered to review him while he was on the well so he's claiming that elon musk put the chip in his head when he describes to doctors a chip that within his brain but it was not in their expert opinions credible that this would prevent him from being fit to stand trial so he was trying to say the chip means i'm insane you better put elon musk on trial which i would love to see that but after like 50 like first i was worried this guy's mental health problem maybe it does but after like 52 56 yeah i think he's just run out of excuses right these

are like like this time it was like before i thought it was free right they said i could have it like now he's gone on down the list of the excuses he's like they put a chip in me elon musk put it i want a radio contest this is every guy that's ever been caught cheating yeah just what i just uh but i i do have to say that um i thought two things when i heard that first of all i think the chip if it was the right one would really help me i feel like that's what i need it's like i need a system you need in my brain yeah this might be the system that lois wants for me like a chip could be good i i also was remembering that um i had a stalker that it's fine it's over so now i can uh whore it out on podcast but um i i had a stalker for a while who said that um i was that somebody needed to the military needed to open my brain um to find out how somebody could be so foul and that there was a chip in there directing me so

this is like reminding me a lot of her story and i wonder if she did her own writing what if your stalker was a woman it was a woman that i went to sleep away camp with no no and she was the hottest girl in my class i'll show you guys a picture after. Very hot. My brother, all the guys had a crush on her. They're like,

why couldn't she stalk me? Yeah, I know. Why could she say I had a chip in my brain? I don't know. I'm sorry. So she wanted the military, the military.

So we don't know which branch. I'll show you. I'm going to text you Army, Navy, Air Force Marines. They're amazing. She would call comedy clubs and complain about me saying that she was

a group of Germans that was attending the club and that I was very foul and smelled terrible and that the military needed to open up my brain. And then I was excreting. This is the word she used. Some sort of foul substance. And they were unable to enjoy the rest of the comedy show. She's called so many clubs to complain about my scent.

And then so when I finally had to like file a police report. This is insane. I know. It was so exhausting. This was like years of my life. And then when I figured out it was her, I was like, you gotta be kidding me. This lady? I wrote you a bus note.

I know. Oh, so there was a long time where you didn't know who was doing this? No, I didn't know who was doing it for a while. Then I figured it out. Like we had like. Where is this gal? I mean, she's. I don't know is the short answer but i mean she stopped like she moved on because i had to file several different things and then finally

and my brother like just to mess with me it was like he thought nobody cared by the way because she was a woman my husband's like but she's a girl i'm sure to be fine like you guys guys there was an astronaut that drove 500 miles in a diaper so like and she was before we like write her off before we write her off anyone can get a gun exactly and then so so um and my and then i told my dad who is a you know a prosecutor right like he was a work for the justice department i'm like dad you know and i said the name of the girl's talking to me oh i'm sure it'll be fine that's the one you had the playdates with like nobody cared I'm sure it'll be fine and then my brother said he was gonna get a sweatshirt

made with her mugshot on it that said I'm on oh I'm on side yeah sorry but he's gonna get a sweatshirt that's what he said like just to mess with me he designed the sweatshirt and showed me a picture like and it was like her mugshot he's like listen'm sorry, but we've talked.

She did make some good points about your scent. Some good points. That sounds like something your brother would do. This all sounds like something a brother would do. Would create. Call the guy and go, hey, listen, my sister's coming in. She smells awful. Be careful of her scent.

All right, we're going to get out of here on this first story on this. Unbelievable first story. Rachel, you are such a good guest. All right, how old is Mr get out of here on this first story on this. Unbelievable first story. Rachel, you are such a good guest. All right. How old is Mr. Little Ricky Hodgkins? That guy. Adult child star?

Adult child star. How old is Little Ricky Hodgkins? I was going to say he's in the winter of his life, but then after looking at that headshot, I thought maybe 38. 38. I thought 34. Jay, what do you think? 29.

Get your answers in, townies. When we come back from the break, we're going to find out how you can enjoy Rachel's special. I'm very excited about it. And we'll just get to lavish all the praise on her that we can. And then we'll tell you what we have going on and where you can see us. He is 44 years old. What?

You were right again. You won again. I just want to thank my mom, the Marx Brothers, my biggest inspirations, my Aunt Lois. My stalker who said it was impossible based on my sense. Now who stinks? My daughter for making me a mom. All right, there you go. Happy Mother's Day.

By the way, happy Mother's Day to you. All right, we'll be right back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Right after this. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, gang. Welcome back to the show. Before we get to Rachel's special and how you can enjoy it and consume it, Jay, let's

let people know what we have going on. Yeah, not sure exactly when this is dropping, but I'm sure before Dallas. Your thing is dropping May 21st. So yours will be out and ready to watch. So we'll make sure it drops that week. Okay. first, so yours will be out and ready to watch. So we'll make sure it drops that week.

Okay. And we will be in Dallas for two nights. Fort Worth on the 19th, and then Dallas downtown Hyenas, both Hyenas on the 20th, and then Houston, the secret group. Daniel, you might be in there 21st and 22nd of June. Right, 21st and 22nd of June. We also have a great show at Largo, Los Angeles on the 25th

of June, our Tag It show. Go to supersclars.com to support us. Did you ever do Tag It with us, Rachel? No, I don't think so. So you do your set and then we pitch. We're on stage writing tags that we then pitch. Oh, that is so fun. I really need that.

And then we give you the tags and you take them away. And people have like, our tags are in other people's specials. When can I do that? You do it. We'll figure out the next time you're around. Yeah, I'm back here in like two weeks, so maybe I can do it then. All right. If we're doing it.

If we're doing it, you're doing it. You're in. It's a blast. That's our way of saying they're going to block me. No. I'm just kidding. like two weeks, so maybe I can do that. All right. If we're doing it. If we're doing it, you're doing it. You're in. It's a blast. That's our way of saying they're going to block me. No. Just kidding. No, I know you guys have been lovely forever. Right, right.

So that's superscleros.com. Other good stuff we have coming up, but we'll get to all that as we can reveal it. Rachel, your new special, May 21st. Big guy. Big guy. Big guy. Your other specials and stuff,

all the stuff that you've shot that then gets chopped up and put on social media. This is what I consistently say whenever I see a new bit of yours. I freaking love every premise you have. I'm like, your premises are so good. It's like the premise hooks us in as comedians. Then I'm like, all right,

how good of a joke teller are you? And they're so good. Premises are so hard hard to i think they're hard to figure out every single premise and it's because you've created just a wonderful character and your relationship with your husband i love it so much but i just every time i'm like oh i love this premise we both say that i go straight to the heart button every time i shoot shooting do you think it falls apart before the punchline no you're a great comic no we were saying so we've been doing this uh you know around the same amount of time ours we had a stand-up special we were trying to decide which one it was in 2009 i think that was one it aired our half hour and your half hour can somebody inform us in the comments we had the whole hour of the night on Comedy Central.

It was us and then you, or you and then us. I think it was, it was at the John Jay College. Is that where you recorded? Oh, yes, yes. The John Jay. Yeah, that was my first one.

2009. Okay, so then that's what it was because we did one earlier. We're older than you. But anyway, tell us about the new special because we want people to support. Where did you record?

So, Big Guy, I recorded in New York City. And it's, my husband gives me a lot of material. I mean, he just dumps it on my plate because he infuriates me. He gave me like, this isn't in the special, but he gave me like a $50 Amazon gift card when I was pregnant, I think for my birthday.

Here, you go shopping. Yeah, nothing says you're a blank slate in my mind like an Amazon gift card. Like that's what you give a super. And also that's something that you don't shop for. And you know there was a moment where he thought like 75 and then he was like, nah. What should we give the mailman for Christmas?

Amazon gift card. I'm literally at the register. I don't want to go back in the story. Grab one of these. Amazon. Starbucks or Amazon? That's at the register. That's an at the register your husband gave you an at the register gift at the register gift i talk about this in my special also but the not the amazon thing but the he loves costco like way more than me like when he would propose to my actually this isn't when he proposed to my dad uh to me he said he wanted to

ask my dad's permission first. Sure. I did that. And my dad's like the least protective guy. He was like, what? Sure. He's like, take her. Pete said that he offered to trade me for an older goat or something. He made some weird joke like that. Your dad made that joke?

Yeah. He was like, oh, yeah. I'm an older goat. It seems fair. But anyway, I was very touched that he wanted to do that because he's like the least romantic guy ever. And I was like, oh, that's kind of touched that he wanted to do that because he's like the least romantic guy ever. And I was like, oh, that's kind of nice that you wanted to ask my dad's permission. He's like, yeah, because you can get the new iPhone tax free at Costco in Delaware.

I'm like, you're not supposed to tell me that part. That's the part you leave out. Yeah. So that's why I wanted to go to Delaware. That's why I wanted to go because he wanted to get the iPhone tax free at Costco. And then two birds with one stone. I mean, you got to. That's exactly what he said.

By the way, I'm going to post that video because I took a video of him in the house saying he goes, two birds, one stone. Big guy, you got to... That's exactly what he said. By the way, I'm going to post that video because I took a video of him in the house saying, he goes, two birds, one stone. Huh, big guy? That's what he calls me. How many times am I going to be in Delaware? Huh, big guy? He calls you big guy.

And he follows me around the house brushing his mustache. He looks like a Scotland Yard detective. It's the most ludicrous mustache. He follows me around brushing it, eating sardines out of a can to infuriate me and singing to me Rachel Rachel they call me Rachel and then I'd be like she's my big guy yeah so that's his nickname for me which now named the special big guy and people always say they're always like is your husband like is it hard for him that you talk about him? I'm like, he loves it.

He loves it. He calls me big guy. Then he stands outside after and just like waits while people go. Is it difficult? He goes, you know, you roll with it. You're a hero. So he becomes like this like honorable guy in the eyes of the audience. Yes.

He's doing this. But then also you're like, thank you for the material. Right. But it's also like, thank you for an an hour because every time he does things that are literally i don't have to write it it's that in let me just tell you what happened and that's like nine minutes and that's it i don't have to add things to it i mean like on our wedding day i was walking down the aisle and he goes bringing it i'm like no that's what you say to a running back bringing it yeah exactly that He can't compliment.

I heard that nine times at the NFL draft. That's right. Bringing it. I love that. But I love that he's a character. He himself is an original American classic. And he is himself and he is a character. And isn't that better to be in a relationship with someone?

For a comic. Yes. Especially. No, I mean, it's also, strangely enough, it's like, he's a fireman, and so they get the fact that we work these weird hours for very different reasons. He's got nine days a week that he's got to stay in. Exactly. So, like, oh, I might be working on Christmas.

He's working on Christmas. So we just, like, you know, switch shifts. Does he understand my job? Not particularly. Like, I don't know if he's watched many things I've done. He'll like be, I'll come home and he's like laughing. Like, like he and peel sketches for 10 years ago, but then he won't watch my own special.

It'll be really funny stuff he's laughing at, which makes it, it hurts even more because I can't like insult his taste. Of course, he has good taste. You do have good taste. Why aren't you watching my stuff? Does he think, I mean, can you make him laugh? Like when you guys are hanging out and whatnot, can you?

Yeah, when I trash him, he likes it. He likes it. He likes when you bust his balls. Like sometimes, like we were at a hotel once, and then he's like, we have like four minutes. Do you think we have time to have sex? And I was like, that's really romantic. Thanks.

And like afterwards, I was like, I go, you kind of phoned it in that time. He goes, that was awful, right? I'm like, yes. And he like high fives me. He's like, that was really bad, right? Like totally selfish. Give it to me.

Yeah. No, he thinks it's funny. He's like, we have four bad, right? Like totally selfish. Give it to me. Yeah. No, he thinks it's funny. We have four minutes. You think we have time? You're like, we'll have three minutes to spare. Exactly. He'll be like, after sex, he'll be like, good sesh, big guy. Good sesh, big guy.

Good sesh, big guy. That was solid. You should never be high fived after sex. I know. No, I'm always treated like a man in my own home. Yeah. Like I was pregnant and he's like, you got that? I'm like, no, I could use a little help right now yes like that's always he's always doing the lit the

littlest amount possible like i was on the way and he can't soothe so it's on the way to the hospital to give birth like having like i don't remember if i put this in the special i was puking i was puking on the side of the road my husband doesn't get out of the car he leans his dumb head out the car and he goes, you good? You good. I'm like, that's what you say to a stranger moving a couch. That you don't want to help.

You good? You good? Dan says that to strangers who are about to be in a fight. He sees two people about to get into a fight and Dan walks up and he's like, you good? You good? You good?

You good? Really? Yes. Dan will break up fights. What is he thinking behind that? That's fascinating. You good over here? Are we good over here? Are we good over here?

It's like, what? That's your husband to you as a human being is coming out of you. Essentially, as another person is coming out of a person. Are we good here? That's exactly my husband. Is she good? You're good? You all set?

Are we all? She can handle it. Big guy's got it. Big guy's got it. Big guy's got it over here. Take this round. That's so funny. I'm going to go see if I can get a donut. So, big guy, May 21st. I cannot wait to got it. Big guy's got it over here. Take this round. I'm going to go see if I can get a donut.

So big guy, May 21st. I cannot wait to see it. I'm so proud of you. Netflix. You guys can have a Netflix special too. All that has to happen is your husband devastates you emotionally every day. It's just a desert. Pete's like, yeah, then it's going to be solid this time.

Hey, hey. Look, he's teeing you up for a great girl. No, it's true. He does. And people stop and thank him, too That's that's thank you for your service your service today salute him I don't know if you're supposed to salute from some of the guys at his firehouse and and I I Took his phone ones and like texted a bunch of them when I was drunk just for fun like pretending to hit on them

And he he is secure because he just put his phone back in his pocket and now everybody's firehouse things Never bothered to correct it, which is fascinating. I love it. He's like, whatever. We'll just move him down the calendar. It's like I do get the they do allow me to go down the poll first. Hey, come on. I got story number two. Let's get into it. Big guy. It's on

Netflix May 21st. All right. The Great Escape. This is just what it says in the title. This is sent in by Carly McDermott at SheBe Carleen. The Great Escape colon. How many? I'm not going to tell you huskies we'll guess later run amok in china shopping center after dog cafe door left open dog great name for a special by the way huskies in a china shop huskies in a china mall that's good all right huskies in a china mall it's this happening in china a bunch of husky dogs that escaped from a pet cafe we'll guess how many later uh after someone forgot to close the door has delighted mainland social media so

this is what the chinese government is like we can let this story go yeah really we are we are obviously it's here we got it right so like they are throwing little girls away in dumpsters yeah we're doing that we'll do that let the dogs go we're creating uh covet in a lab we're not talking about that but let's talk about the dogs you ran about it's been to a pet cafe like a cat cafe yes i actually went to write in one i didn't realize it was a cat cafe really yeah i was like sneezing i'm like what the fuck but i met i met anthony devito there i was like let's just stay I need to write yeah

I've always wanted to go to one could you have a punchline for this and you hear you're supposed to love those things separately it's a disgusting idea also I think like

cats are not social I'm in a dog cafe sure we're not getting anything done in there either no way they want to play

yeah the whole time also I was that whore that left the door open you would get working there because you need to get a system all right the beloved pets were almost lost when they rushed out of the cafe in a shopping center in guangdong providence southeastern china i just want to say guangdong uh thank you for everybody how happy everybody guangdong tonight everybody have fun tonight uh staff reacted quickly and

managed to round them all up uh i'm not zigua video reported surveillance uh footage shows that the clearly delighted canines yeah they're having the time oh my god they're excited around the shopping center ignoring the calls of the cafe staff yeah when the dogs are out and the doors open forget it someone literally got to finally yell this in earnest. Who let the dogs out? Oh my God. The Baja men standing at the door like, let them go. Who?

Who? Who? Yeah, these dogs are freer than they've ever been. They're like covered in, they're doing lines. They're being themselves. Like three of them are getting a pedicure. They're being a pet-a-cure. A pedicure. That's the name of a good, that getting a pedicure. They're being a pet-a-cure. A pedicure.

That's the name of a good, that's a dog therapy. But all the people at the Chinese pedicure are all like white women. That's who's doing the pedicures in China. Please say Wang Dog a few more times. Because you said like you were trying, like you were tasting the word like a caramel or something. Wang Dog. Oh my God. I wish we had like a DJ that could word like a caramel or something. Wang Dong. Oh, my God. I wish we had like a DJ that could reloop that for us.

Wang Dong. Wang Dong. Okay. Wang Dong. It's a little redundant. Wang Dong rebates. All right. All the Huskies ran out of the cafe.

A member of the staff surnamed Huo told Ziguo Video, adding, it's very lucky they were found so soon. The incident happened on March 12th. Never forget where you were on 312. I will never forget where I was on 312. A lot of people say 312 was an inside job. We're finding out right now. It is an inside job. Someone from the staff left the door open.

When the owner visited her cafe and the Huskies became very excited. So she left the door open. Well, maybe it was the owner. The owner probably walked in, didn't shut the door. The Huskies haven't seen the owner in a while. Sounds like someone's trying to blame this on them. Oh, exactly. It was her fault.

She riled them up. Yeah, because that's not like a word from an article. Haven't seen the person in a while. Like, follow. Like, yeah. Isn't there a reporter on this? That feels a little. It doesn't feel like a real reporter.

Okay. A customer then arrived. And this person is throwing everyone under the bus. Okay. A customer then arrived but forgot to close the door, which was when the dogs made their bid for freedom. Staff immediately chased after the excited canines. I mean, even the dogs in China are like,

get me out of this place. I need to go. And one female employee ushered some back into the cafe while Huo scooped the rest up in his arms one by one. After a while, most of the huskies were found. Most? This is the laziest writing I've ever heard. I failed out of school.

I don't feel like I did. Our mom was a journalism teacher. Would you accept that? They're not saying most. She's saying no. You've got to go do your research and find out. She's nodding, but she's had two strokes, and that means no.

After a while, Huskies were found leaving a few intrepid mutts still enjoying their fun with a bit more effort. Well, eventually rounded them all up to quote unquote punish the disobedient Huskies. We gave them. Why are you punishing the dogs? It's the customer's fault.

We gave them delicious chicken legs. Oh, great. They choked. Many people on mainland social media were delighted by the story, according to the government who doesn't let them have opinions. Ha ha ha.

It feels like the joy of pupils running out of school one person said while another one wrote the great carnival of huskies is that real someone needs to punch up these chinese people let's enjoy the great escape huskies said a third who wistfully looked out a window and dreamed of her own escape i added that oh my god it looks like so much fun how wonderful it would be if i met such a joyful escape another said okay that person is that into the line that is get me out of china someone like immediately after she made that comment they're like we'll take that passport we're making these jokes right now and i feel like as we're making this someone is banning our tiktok that's right okay uh Pet cafes have become increasingly popular in China, according to Zipfray Daily.

How many pet cafes were newly opened in Shanghai in 2020? In Shanghai? In Shanghai alone. What do you think, Rach? I wrote for the Zipfray Daily. You did? The Zipfray Zephyr? You wrote for them?

I wrote also. I was a veteran journalist for the Chinese bubbler. And let me tell you, I also wrote for the Wang Dong Tadler. The Wang Dong Tadler. This is the son of journalism, let me tell you. You're right in the cradle right there. Like the New York Post of China. All right, well, how many new pet cafes in Shanghai in 2020?

I'm going to guess 50. I think 20. You've crushed both of them. 100. Get your answers in. You will not believe this. What were you going to say? I was going to say 3 or 100. 3 or 100. How about 3,638?

No! Oh, snap. That is unbelievable. 100. She wins again. What do I get? To spend one hour in the cafe, costs range from 60 yuan to 200 yuan. How much is that in US dollars? 60 to 200 yuan?

It's- One hour to be in there? A brand new car. 30 bucks? 30 bucks? What'd he say? 45. 45 bucks?

How much for an hour in this damn place? 10 lucky sevens. 10 sevens? I don't know. 70? 10? Seven? Let me think.

Let me think. How much would an hour in a pet cafe cost? I don't know. Just to be there. Just to be there? I mean, what is it worth? Like 11 bucks? Get your answers in.

She's the closest again. $8. Wow. Wow. Chinese market research firm iMedia Research reported in 2023 the turnover of the country's pet industry reached $494 billion yuan, which is $68 billion in 2022. I will ask you, as we get out of here on this story, how many dogs ran amok? And it's a very round number.

Okay. 20. Again, I'm going to say 20 dogs running a muck. How many dogs ran a muck in the shopping mall that some customer left the door open? Clearly it wasn't the worker who doesn't want to take credit for it. It was either the riling up of the owner

who showed back up combined with the customer. They hadn't seen the owner. They had seen her once. Crisp 10. Crisp 10, 20. What do you say, Daniel? Oh, wait. It's a pet store.

Sorry. Can I change it? It's a pet cafe cafe and they're huskies they're big huskies a big dog 40 40 okay i'll go 15 15 get your answers in closest again is rachel it's 100 oh my 100 huskies running amok in a mall in China. Let's change the context of the entire story. Right? Oh, my God. Can they write an article about how I guessed that? Yes. That's a lot of chicken legs. It's showing up in the Guangdong register.

Let's say you're at Just Bulbs in the Chinese mall there, and all of a sudden, a hundred huskies come your way. Knocking your orange Julius out of your hand. All right, there we go. Daniel, give us a little tease of what we're going to see in story number three. Fun with human hair. Fun with human hair, story number three. Dan's going to tell you what he's got going on.

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I got the green in that, and I absolutely love it. We've talked about it. Anytime you see us, we're usually wearing at least one piece of Faraday clothing. It's my favorite brand. For listeners of our show, Faraday brand is offering 20% off your first order when you enter the promo code 20 that's 20 dpt at checkout go to faradaybrand.com slash dpt faradaybrand f-a-h-e-r-t-y brand.com slash dpt and check them out hey guys welcome back to the show dan, before we jump into story three, I just gotta say, I'm gonna say this right now,

even though I don't know when this is gonna drop, probably the week of the 21st. So when we are recording this, my daughter Daisy and I watched Wine Club, your movie. Oh, thank you so much. And you were so good. Dan, you were so good in this movie. Not that I ever questioned it,

but Dan, you're a hilarious comic and a great raccoon. Wine Club, you're watching on Tubi. What's it called? Wine Club. That's a great name for a movie. It's so funny and so weird. Shout out Nate Days, myself and a woman who plays my wife. She's amazing.

You guys were incredible together. I fully bought your relationship. Taylor Ortega. Shout out Taylor Ortega. Shout out to Taylor. She was amazing. And the two of you guys together. Shout out to Steve Little.

Steve Little. Dean Cameron. Steve Little. If you don't know Shout out to Steve Little. Oh, he's so good. Dean Cameron. Steve Little, if you don't know Steve Little, Steve Little was in Eastbound and Down. He played the unhinged friend of Danny McBride. And he kind of brings a little bit of that into this. Yeah, he's just. Did you come up with the idea?

Was it something that you had a passion for? No, the directors wrote it and they approached me and said, we'd love for you to star in this. And I said, I'd love it as well. And so. Crushed it. I came on, I'd love it as well. And so- Crushed it. I came on board. We shot it in Malibu in like a week and a half.

That sounds like so much fun. Oh my gosh, it was absolutely wonderful. Did you drink an aggressive amount of wine? I did, yeah. Yes. I did. It was really- Did they give you any wine?

Huh? Did they give you any wine? Yeah, there was stuff everywhere. Dan, give the log line. Give like the two- There's a couple of lopes up to wine country. They end up not having enough time to go to any winery. So they

find one off the beaten path and it ends up being a cult run by a former child TV star and hilarity ensues. It's so funny and Dan is so good at it. What I love about it and I'm the last thing I want to say about it. I love the aspect and this is just good writing

of how the two of you going to the thing completely messes up their thing like it's like the cult screws you guys up

but you guys Eric Griffin's in it Ben Seward's in it from Jury Duty yeah it's great it's a fun movie you can watch for free

on YouTube on Tubi On Tubi. Or Tubi, yeah. You can rent it at other places as well, but it's called Wine Club. And then Rose Gold is out as well. Yes. It's a special.

It's great. Coming up, I don't know when we're doing this, for just under like 70K. Let's go. Let's get him over 100,000. I said it. It's free on YouTube. It's a really great show.

Rose Gold. You will love it. This. It sounds good. If this is the 17th. This is end of May, yeah. The 21st?

I don't know where it's dropped. Whenever it is, go to danielvankirk.com. I'm doing my own week of comedy at Residence to see where I'm going to build new hour. It's Hub City Comedy Week

and that'll be at the Lincoln Lodge in Chicago July 16th to the 21st. Some awesome friends are going to show up and do it as well and I hope you check it out. Great.

danielvankirk.com. Let's jump into this story. Ready? Yes. Sent it by liz hagerty at liz hagerty gentleman liz hagerty ball of human hair breaks guinness world record why why why who is this like you said we need down at the beauty shop they're like we're getting bored this is your three your two aunts and your grandma just put a ball of hair together i'm not gonna lie we're gonna we're gonna shit we're gonna flow me them down i've had times in my life tell me my brisket sauce is bad pulling stuff out of the drain is grossly satisfying gross but to deliberately go let's collect all this human hair you're a hollow a ball of human hair.

Wait, on Cheapsies, didn't we say come visit our human hair? Our hall of human hair. Our hall of human hair, or the hairatorium. The hairatorium. Well, you were ahead of the curve. Walk up a slow incline. This was, oh, because there was SeaWorld. We wanted to create an amusement park called Land World.

This is like my worst nightmare. I'm going to end up being like some sort of Grey Gardens bitch that would do something like this. Yes. They're just like, well, you defeated that. I mean, you have a husband and a job. A ball of human hair started by a... Because what?

You and your daughter could be that. You and your daughter could be that. When your husband dies, you and your daughter can go into a Grey Gardens house and just live in only one portion of your house. I'm just giving you something to look forward to. I do. I actually kind of want to relax. I want you guys to do that, but I want your husband to still be there, just commenting

on everything you guys are doing. You got that ice cream tub up there, guy? Hey, big guy, you all right? Kicking out the window? I'm always in trouble with him for something that I've done. He's always walking me around, making me answer for everything. Like, what was the plan here? When you first decided to do this?

Because it looks like you did that. What's the plan? Like, I need a system. I know. I always said I need a system. i need a system screaming and nobody thinks it's charming my therapist is always like it's charming i'm like alan you're the only one that thinks it's charming which by the way i know you're doing a character voice of your husband that is a spot-on impression that is how he does that is how he talks that's the thing he's like when i first met him i was like is this a cartoon like it's a ludicrous accent also his brother has no accent whatsoever how does this do you think he gets it

from the other fireman that he hangs out with his brother told me that's what i think the firehouse because his brother has no accent yeah and so imagine if your husband was spending this much time with like that that he had an accent like you think that this is not good that's how they come home so much dumber it's very bad wasn't that your bit about how like you don't have enough influence on him. He spends too much time with the whole crew of people. Yes. I'm like they in, in,

in the special I talk about, they undo everything. I have a complet like it's all the work you've done. Cause they give them, they pass out like pamphlets with utter horseshit in them. They did. I'm like Pete, there's no highway that's being built.

Like it's all, don't take anything Dino hands to you. If Dino hands it to you, go the opposite way. It's not true. And like my husband like believes all of the craziest things because they just come up with ideas together. When we were having our wedding, I swear to God, I'm not making this up.

I'll talk about it with my husband and post the story. I've mentioned trash about this. On our wedding, he got together with the firehouse. He decided that invitations were too expensive. He's like, it's a scam. It's all a scam. I'm like, whatever. It's a send out invitation.

You got to send out. It's a wedding. He's like, Anthony and I designed something. It is very high end. I can't imagine what it is. It is very tasteful. It had a skull and crossbones on like each corner. He's like, it's like a dark wedding, like a black wedding.

I'm like, this is one of the dumbest things my mind's even had to like approach in any way. No. Anthony and I. He worked on it for 16 hours and you're going to tell me that this isn't solid? I'm like, it is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen in my life. So whenever he asked you what your plan is, what was your intended plan of whatever you're doing in your life, just go show him the invitation. Oh, my God. Be like, this was your plan.

I think his house needs more calls. If I ask him about it, he's going to be like, it was good. It was very good. We send that out. That's a tight concept, big guy. People would have known what type of wedding it was going to be. You guys want to hear this? Yes.

A ball of human hair started by an Ohio salon owner before being turned over to Ripley's Believe It or Not broke a Guinness World Record. Steve Warden, owner of Blockers Salon. Not a great name for a hair salon. It was called Cock Blockers, but then that was blocked. Salon in Cambridge, Ohio said his son inspired him to start Hoss, the hairball using clippings from customers and the ball grew until it was large enough

to be featured by Ripley's Believe It or Not from there it was possibly going to go into a museum no one wants this. Nobody would go see it it was placed on Phil Spector's head and it was going to end there. The story of Hoss if you've named your hairball Hoss anything

wasn't over. Haas. Wasn't over. Your baby. However, as Ripley's partnered with Floyd's 99 Barbershop... I know it. It's where I take my son to get his hair cut. I've been there myself. It's a marvelous...

But they say here are chain of salons in Central Florida. That's where they started? Did they? They wanted to keep the hairball growing and took the ball to Orlando Comic Con and asked attendees... I mean, do you check that through? and took the ball to Orlando Comic-Con and asked attendees to donate their own hair clippings to help the ball grow to break to a Guinness World Record. Daniel, how do you take the ball?

How do you transport the ball? How do you transport the ball? Does this have to be in a glass case? Oh my God, somebody's taking a road trip with a hairball. Just kill yourself. If you're the person bringing a ball in a van across the country, I feel like you'd have to put it in the van at least as some kind of station. Look, I'll meet you outside at the loading dock with the ball.

Will you have the ball? Somewhere there's a serial killer being like, I don't have to be secretive about my trophies. Also, there's some bitch that has to stand in a museum and have a thoughtful expression. Right. By the way, someone should DNA test as Dan said, that ball. You're going to solve three cold cases. Oh my God. Haas was officially weighed in December,

breaking the record set by a Missouri barber, Henry Coffer, in 2014. Do you want to guess what the previous record in weight of pounds? How many pounds did the previous record ball? Hairball is light, but... How many have there been?

That's what I want to know. We're just covering two, thank God. Don't you like to be the guy who almost broke the record? Yeah. You just spent years of your life and you're like, I mean, my whole life... There's no dumber story in your life than you trying to get laid in a date being like, you know, I... Third heaviest hairball in the world. How many women in Coffer's life have said it's the hairball

or me? Henry Coffer in 2014 had his record broken by goddamn Steve Warden. Okay? So how big, how much do you think Henry Coffer's hairball in 2014 weighed? In pounds. Rachel, you're going last. 23 pounds. 23 from Randy.

Jay? 15 pounds. 15. 46. 46. Ring it up again. 167 pounds. Oh, Rachel! How does she do it up again. 167 pounds. Oh, Rachel.

How does she do it? Every time. I want to thank Gloria Steinem. All the feminists who made the hairball possible. Before me. My hair stylist, Marie. Before I make you guys guess the weight of the new record holding Haas, the hairball, I'm going to read you a quote from Steve Warden, owner of Blockers.

Quote, it actually has changed my life. I'm sure. I did it. Not your kids. What is this? Not your wife. Before the hairball, the divorce was hard on me. I'm joking.

I made that up. That was amazing. Quote, I did it. This is what he did say. I did it because of the love for my children and my future grandchildren. Easy. They're kids. They're not even married yet.

Because of this, they may not want to have children. I know. And just to show that, you know, if you have a crazy idea, don't worry about what people are thinking. Just do it. I say the opposite. If you've got a crazy idea, consider what other people are thinking about it. Workshop it. Talk to people about it.

idea. Consider what other people are talking about. Workshop it. Talk to people about it. So, how many pounds do you think Haas, the hairball, the new world record holder... You said the other one was 100 and what? 67 by Henry Coffin. Okay, so this beats it. So it's gotta be more than that. You're going last, Rachel. 179.

179 by Randy. 194. 194. 210. The official way to close out this show you better go watch Big Guy watch Big Guy if you don't watch

Big Guy something's wrong with you if you don't watch Rose Gold and Wine Club if you don't know Rachel's comedy I'm actually very excited for you because

she'll quickly become like your favorite comic just like she is one of our favorite May 21st Netflix Rose Gold out now go see the

sclars especially in dallas and houston it's a good time what was your guess jay ronda left my guess was i said one what i said i said 179 i said 194 i think and you said 210 210 hoss the hairball weighs 225 pounds. Rachel! You're so good! What if I just started sobbing? We told you we'd make you feel good on this show. This show is just an ego boost to our guests.

I want to thank my third grade teacher, Ms. Smith. She said, I have it. You do have it. I will someday guess this is the weight of a hairball. That's a show, friends. That's a show. We love you you guys and as we were telling Rachel before this feels like if anybody's ever been in a writer's room all the things you do before you

actually get down to work so we usually like to end every show by saying oh snap we gotta get back to work we gotta get back to work they're expecting us at the office big guy