Dumb People Town - Rhea Butcher - Calm Down

Episode Date: January 25, 2019

Comedian Rhea Butcher joins the show to discuss the tale of a fugitive who wins the heart of local police for his response to a wanted ad.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town Population News Population Butcher The butcher is in the house. Rhea Butcher, thank you for joining us. Thanks for having me. I'm so stoked to be in Dumb People Town.

It's a joy. It's a beautiful place. It's a beautiful place. Beautiful town. World's getting dumber. World is getting dumber. Do we agree with that? What do you think?

Or dumb is getting louder? What do you think? I wonder if the world is getting dumber or if the world has always been dumb. We just have access to the dumb. We're more dumb. And as I say, it also does feel, we just have access to the dumb. It does feel like it's more okay to be dumb. We're talking about a spectrum

of dumb. Just to put that out there. People have told me on Twitter that I shouldn't say stupid or dumb in regards to something. I was literally talking about my fantasy baseball i was like the dumbest move i made was xyz sure i don't want to be about yourself yes

it was about myself and like a mistake i made and somebody was like you know you should rethink you know using dumb for that and whatever and i was like okay i mean i'll i'll take that in you know like just because like both things are true you know what i mean like i think i will say this saying dumb makes sense to a lot of people. And so you say it because you're used to saying it. And then at the same time, I was like, you know what? I'm going to take what this person is saying and I'm going to consider it. And I consider it before I say dumb.

So my point of bringing up that is the spectrum of dumb. We're not talking about people who are kind. No. Maybe just aren't as smart. Or anything. I'm not even going to get into it Because I don't want to But then there are people like I'm I don't know

Then you get into like Am I conflating dumb with evil If I'm saying I'm only calling evil people dumb I don't know Words you guys These are all amazing like things to consider When considering what's going on These are all amazing things and nuanced things

that dumb people don't consider. They don't think about it. A dumb person would never have this thought. If I can be so bold to say, sometimes it's just ridiculous. It is, yes. I mean, I can't like, look, sometimes, yes, I can say, oh, this was silly instead of saying dumb. But at the same time, sometimes I don't want

to sound like a third grade teacher. Also, sometimes satire requires you to say the thing that you are satirizing. Like someone called me sexist because I was like, thank you, Tulsa Gabbard, for giving me an opportunity to say I'll vote for a woman, just not that woman. Which is a satirical take on that phrase. Or it's like how evolved we are. Yes. And also like that's the way women get equality is by like being like, yeah, no, not into it.

Not one that you're like, I'm into this. It's like, no, no, no, no, no. But by the way, it shows a sophistication that it doesn't just have to be any woman who comes down the pike. Yes. And then a lot of people were like, what about Carly Fiorina?

Didn't she do? I'm like, I don't vote Republican, idiot. Yeah. So I can have my choice. Somebody did say that to me in 2016. They were like, well, what about Carly Fiorina? I'm like, do you know? I'm not.

I'm not. That's not my party. I'm not literally voting for someone because of their gender. This is insane. It's the baseline. Because I'm not dumb. And then you got credit. That's like someone's parent who, like who knows if you're gay and says,

well, you'll like her. She's a lesbian. I don't know. I probably won't, to be totally honest. Let me meet her and decide. The more you're telling me I'm going to like her, the less I'm going to like her. We are definitely not going to get along.

I can tell you right now, this is not going to work. This is not going to work. All right, Dan. We have a fun story today. A ridiculous story. We have a fun person, so let's get into it. Also, I'm looking forward, Rhea, because you and I are coming up on Dan and Rhea interacting on Twitter season,

a.k.a. the start of Major League Baseball. Yes. I'm so excited. April till October, it's me and Rhea just reading each other's tweets. Well, guess what, Dan? Tweet and tweet. We've got her on our podcast. She's going to be on View from the Cheese Sheets.

What a season it's going to be. And Hall of Fame. There's so much stuff to talk about. All right. This was sent in. This story was sent in by Sarah Doon. D-U-N-N-E, right? You probably go Doon on that.

I say Dunn. Go Dunn. Sarah Dunn. Well, I'll do it too then. At Sarah M. Dunn, 90. Okay. Here we go. A male fugitive has apparently won the hearts of local police.

Nope. How many of you heard that? Yeah. He's white. Yeah. Wait, is this like the hot, you remember the hot, the guy with the hot mugshot? Oh, yeah. The hot criminal.

He's now the hot criminal. It's like, hi. No, not even that. It's not even superficial. It's a hot mugshot. Oh, yeah. The hot criminal. He's now the hot criminal. It's like, no, no, not even that. It's not even superficial. It's a hot mugshot. No. A male fugitive has apparently won the hearts of local police for his response to a wanted ad on social media.

It's not a want ad. It's not a want ad. No, a wanted ad. It's a wanted ad. Yes. As part of its, quote, wanted Wednesday's bulletin, these cops on Facebook, where the whole police department, they're like, it's wanted Wednesday's. Yeah, cops on Facebook Where the whole police department It's wanted Wednesday's

They run it like a local bar Throwback Thursday Wanted Wednesday's Trivia Tuesday's As part of it's wanted Wednesday's bulletin The Richard Police Department posted an ad Announcing that Anthony Akers Double A if you're nasty

Was wanted by the Washington State Police Department. Why? I'm sorry, the Washington State Department of Corrections for failing to comply with sentencing. Okay, so he did a crime. Right. Committed a crime. They said you gotta show up.

You gotta show up and then you gotta go to jail this day. Here's the quote. Wanted Wednesday, Anthony Akers is wanted by the Department of Corrections for failure to comply. If you have any information, please call 509-628-0333. The department's Facebook post read. Five hours later, the ad received a response from an interesting commentator, Mr. Akers himself. There you go. He's on Facebook.

I'm a winner? Mr. Akers told police to, quote, calm down and that he was going to turn himself in. Calm down. I'm going to turn myself in. By the way, that is what police love more than anything. When someone who's done something wrong tells them what to do. Tells them to calm down. And if there's anything that cops don't want to do, it's calm down.

Although calm down does probably, I don't think they get that response much on Facebook, but to a lot of field sobriety tests they get. I'm going to need you to turn around. Calm down. I'm going to need you to calm down. Calm down, I'm driving here. There's only one other cop, but the person keeps saying, everybody calm down. You guys. There's only one.

It's just me. You guys shut up. If you don't tell your partner to shut up And then the drug person looks off into the trees by the highway And just goes, I'm gonna Gonna what, ma'am? Calm down Calm down

Calm down Calm down from where? By the way, calm down is something that you should lead with In most Facebook posts Yeah, calm down Everybody needs to calm down is something that you should lead with in most Facebook posts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Calm down. Everybody needs to calm down right now. You know what?

That's a great Twitter bio. Just under your name. It just says, calm down. My kids hate it when I tell them to relax. Oh, yeah. I'm like, relax, guys. Honestly, saying calm down to anybody is like the worst. Because you're like

I am calm what it means is this person thinks you're not you are in need of calming and it means they're in control of themselves and they're not and so if someone tells you to calm down you can't respond to them in an angry way because you're proving them right

although what if you said what if you go whoa what if you go, whoa, whoa, whoa, I need you to calm down. You put it right back. That's all you can do. It's that Lebowski scene after Walter pulls the piece

and he's like, you pulled up! He's like, calmer than you are. Calmer than you are. Calmer than you are. I am Cam. It is true

because yesterday I was at a restaurant. I ordered soup before the meal. The person even asked me, do you, you want that soup to come out first? I said, sure. And then about 10, 12 minutes had passed by. It was very obvious I was not getting my soup before the meal. The person even asked me, do you want that soup to come out first? I said, sure.

And then about 10, 12 minutes had passed by. It was very obvious I was not getting my soup before the meal. No soup early. So I saw the person and I said, hey, just real quick, am I still going to get the soup before the meal or did that change?

It's kind of mean. No, it's not. That's pretty aggressive, dude. I'm just trying to roll hot like that soup you were supposed to get. If that person would have said to me, calm down, I would have been like, I'm just getting real hot like that soup you were supposed to get. If that person would have said to me, calm down, I would have been like, I'm sorry, excuse me. I'm going to need to talk to your

manager. That Midwest would have come out real quick. I'll confess. I've had flight attendants say that shit to me. When I was like, excuse me, how much longer is left on the flight? I'm going to need you to calm down. Just ask all these questions. I'm going to need you. Oh my God. She was not having it. And I was like, wow.

Then I realized, oh, everyone thinks I'm a child. Pretending to be an adult. The problem is, too, you're assuming I know you've been asked this a hundred times. I'm one person asking one person. You can't add them all up because I don't know how many times. I don't know how many times. Dan, here's what you could have said. You could have just been like, if you see the waiter, or is it a waiter? Is it a waiter? Just be like, hey's what you could have said. Here's what you could have, you could have just been like, you'd call the, if you see the waiter

or is it a waiter? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just be like, hey, just checking on the soup. Is it? And that's it. If you just say, hey, just checking on the soup.

That's actually what I go with. Hey, I want to let you know because I haven't seen you in a while. I finished that soup you didn't bring. Dan, that's so mean. I need you to calm down. I just want to tell you something.

I have had lots of jobs and I've failed at them, too. Yeah, there you go. So I'm with you, man. Wherever you are. That is like a... Soup plantation server. That is the most unfortunate.

How are they still getting along with that? I know. Soup plantation. Soup plantation. We've really... Anyway. A pro-level Midwestern move when your waiter's been gone a long time is like, you're back.

Like that. Just start out. We were worried about you. You didn't quit. We were worried about you. Suplantation is awful. Oh, I mean, I've never been. Here's your choice. You can go to suplantation or salad internment camp.

Which is your favorite? I like salad internment. I know. They make it. Well, you got to reach in through the fence. I know. You have to sit on those hard benches. All right.

So Akers says, calm down. He's going to turn himself in. However, when Mr. Akers did not show up, Richland police reached out via the same comment thread, informing him of their hours and operations and non-emergency number that he can contact if he needs transportation. All right. This is their lifeline to the guy. Facebook. Right.

And also the police station. They have hours. We're going to be here. You show up whenever you want. But I do like that they were like, if you want somebody to come get you, we do provide transportation for criminals. We'll give you a lift credit if you want. We'll pick you up. Yeah, like they make him get a lift.

Akers responded back once again. Oh, God. Quote. What he wrote back. Calm down. Thank you. Trying to.... Calm down. Thank you. I'm sorry. Thank you. Tying up a couple loose ends since I probably will be in there for a month. Should be in in the next 48 hours. So now he's like,

guys, I got shit I have to do. I understand you want me to come by. You're real thirsty. I'll come by. I'm going to need you to calm down. I'm not even going to lie. Give me a couple days. I got shit I got to do. I'm going to be in for calm down. I'm not even going to lie. Give me a couple days. I got shit I got to do. I'm going to be in for a month. Guys, we're going to hang out for a month. Cops, I'm going to hang out with you for a month.

It's not like you're not coming in. I will be there. But after 48 hours, Mr. Akers still did not turn up and other people began to notice. Someone, random person on Facebook. By the way, they let him have 48 hours. They waited 48 hours. They let him have it. I know.

What are they doing? The first 48 is the most important in an investigation. Or turning yourself in. After 48 hours, some random person just chimes into this. It's been two hours. So you know they set an alarm. And they chime in and they write, has he turned himself in? The cops responded back to that person.

He has not. Mr. Akers. This is all in public. Mr. Akers. It's such a public conversation. Mr. Akers then chimed in again, offering an apology to the Richland police. So he sees that someone says he turned him in. They go, no, he hasn't.

By the way, I love the idea Or thought Of some person Man or woman Sitting at their computer Being like Should I send this off Should I send Has he turned himself in

Yeah And then sit back And the cops are like No he hasn't Not yet Here comes Acres Just drinking coffee at work Here comes Acres

Enters Acres Here comes Acres Is my favorite show From the 80s Very shortly lived On TGIF Here comes Acres is my favorite show from the 80s It was very shortly lived on TGIF Here Comes Acres Dear RPD This is what he wrote

Dear RPD I love this guy It's not you, it's me What? Yes, quote I obviously have commitment issues I apologize for standing you up I will be there no later than lunchtime tomorrow

I know you have no later than lunchtime tomorrow. I know you have no reason to believe me after what I did to you. He's writing a letter to someone. A breakup letter. Yes, that he wants to get back with. 72 hours. I know you have no reason to believe me after what I did to you, but I promise. This is what is said in every movie when the people got together under false pretenses. And then what is truthful?

Like, no, I'm not. I didn't grow up in this no, I'm not the, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't grow up in this family. I'm not, I'm a different person. I'm the popper,

not the prince. Yes, yes. I hope he shows up to the RPD offices just with, just large cue cards that are,

just love actually. You are perfect. Yes, I was always supposed to be here. I watched, I watched Tootsie the other day.

Yes. I was on and I was like, let me see if this shit holds up. Let me just see. It depends. It really depends. I will say that Bill Murray is incredible in the movie. He's unbelievable. He's so funny.

I forgot how good he was and I forgot how much he was in. I thought it was in like two scenes. Terry Garr, amazing in the movie. So like the support people were incredible. I just was like man, if not enough was said about how he

and when you think about Dustin Hoffman and what he did to women back in the day around that time, you're like not enough was said about how his, I felt like he needed to, his character needed to apologize more. You know what I mean? I will say this,

the storyline that he then thought up when he's, spoiler alert, when he's on the show at the very end, and first of all, a live soap opera, when do they ever shoot soap operas live? But when he's on there live and he dreams up the storyline of how his character died three years ago

and so the brother said that he would take care of her legacy and whatever and then he takes the stuff off and he's like, and I am his brother. That, for a soap opera, is like the greatest reveal ever. That would be like the greatest storyline any soap opera has ever written is that for the last three years

this character was actually the brother. A woman carrying on the... It's like Bob Zmuda, you know, it's like Bob Zamuda. You know, it's like, you know what I mean? It's like Tony Clifton's level. Totally. It's so good.

That was great. But then like at the very end, in the moment where he's got to talk to Jessica Lange, I was like, you didn't apologize enough. If I was Jessica Lange, I'd be like, you,

you listen to anchors. You didn't apologize. You should have taken an anchors page. Take an anchors page. Take an anchor for yourself. He, take an Anchor for yourself. He says, I will be there by lunchtime tomorrow. I know you have no reason to believe me after what I did to you, but I promise that if I don't make it in on my own by lunchtime tomorrow,

I will call for a ride to assist me with my commitment issues. So he's already giving himself an out. Out for when I don't make it the time, I'm just telling you I got it in. Give him an acre. He takes a mile. And you know somebody was like, just... That's great. That is great.

Jay, that is an ats club. You give him a big plot of land. He takes a smaller unit of measurement. I'll be there by... Give him an acre. He takes an inch. I'll be there by lunchtime tomorrow. And I know you have no reason to believe me.

All these... Just hedging his bets. All of it. Mr. Akers Thanked Richland Police For giving him another chance Oh Thank you in advance

For your response Oh cause they grant in that Like okay See you tomorrow Sure Thank you in advance Thank you in advance To your response

If you are patiently Giving me another chance With us I know I don't deserve it P.S. You're beautiful He did not say you're beautiful P.S. You're beautiful Jesus I wanna know say you're beautiful. Yes, you're beautiful.

Jesus. I want to know how old this guy is. I want to know what he did. We'll get into it. We'll figure that out. So the police department responded once more, asking for the public's help in finding him. We waited, but you didn't show. After you stood us up, we reached out again.

This time offer you a ride. You replied and said you needed 48 hours. Richland police pleaded with Mr. Akers to keep up with his promises. The weekend came and went, it added. We are beginning to think you are not coming. Please call us any time and we will come to you. Beginning. I'm in the beginning of the journey.

I don't think you're coming after me. I mean, anything's possible, but I really don't see it. It's like a mom speaking to her ex-husband on behalf of the kids. No one thinks you're coming. We have given you so many chances to have a role in their life. I can't keep telling them you're coming, so I'm going to tell them you're not coming. So I guess Christmas is off. Right.

The weekend came and went. We're beginning to think you're not coming. Please call us anytime and we will come to you. The cops want to help him get arrested so badly. Which is their job. I would say not via Facebook.

Perhaps via car. Swat team. Snapchat. Mr. Akers, however, did end up keeping his promise. On Tuesday december 4th at 3 29 p.m mr acres turned himself into richland police it was a late lunch but not without having the last word we'll get to that right after we take this quick break all right we are back

We're back with Rhea Butcher Who, by the way A great follow on all Social medias Let people know It's just Rhea Butcher R-H-E-A-B-U-T-C-H-E-R That's exactly what it is

Great follow on Instagram Great follow on Twitter Thank you Are you doing any live stuff soon Where people can catch you? I am When does this podcast Come out?

This Friday? This Friday or next Friday I'm not sure Okay great Well if it's this Friday Then I'm in Boise tonight Nice And if it's next Friday

Then I've already done my dates And I'm coming back from Or no I'm doing Tempe or Tucson I can't remember Okay Fantastic Where can people find their dates?

On my website Which is? RiaButcher.com There you go Check it out If you guys want to see great comedy that you will love That is smart And just thoughtful and great comedy Go check her out and see her live if she's in a city near you

So check that out So on Tuesday way after the weekend Jesus He turned himself into Richland Mr. Akers turned himself into Richland police But not without having the last word Mr. Akers turned himself into Richland police But not without having the last word Mr. Akers posted a selfie He took at the police station

Along with the words Here for our date sweetheart Now I'm like you know what don't be a dick Now he's over sexualizing Again he's like Dabney Coleman and Tootsie My name's not sweetheart My name's not Toots My name's not Tootsie

It's the Richland police He also wrote pushing the button. Yes, a bit later than I planned, but here and going in. Thank you, RPD, for letting me do this on my own. See you in a month. There you go. So he knows. Right. He knows

that he's wrong. He knows that he's wrong. I like that they patiently let him do it on his dime, and I do appreciate the fact that he did it himself. I'm going to show you guys a picture of this man. Oh, man, I can't wait. And after that, we won't know how old he is. You're going to have to guess.

Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. Now, Ria, there are moments where we could have just guessed his age without looking at the picture. I will say this.

There are sometimes when you see a picture and it makes it even more confusing. I would, yes. It muddles it. I hear you. Now, what do we know about him? Avid Facebook user. He's on Facebook.

So he could be 60. Seems to not be a violent criminal because I feel like they would have just gone and got him. Oh, for sure. He also is definitely white because I feel like they would have just gone and got him. Oh, for sure. He also is definitely white because, again, they would have just gone and got him. Or shot him. Regardless of the, yeah, exactly. Yeah, but he knows how to Facebook.

And he also is kind of playing this role playing, we're in a relationship type thing. Yes. Which means he's been in a lot of bad ones. He's sophisticated enough. Okay, you ready to look at him? Yes, yes, yes. Here he is, Anthony Akers Take that in

Let me describe this This will be on the Facebook page By the way, if you're not on the Facebook page What are you doing? It's the only good thing on Facebook Is the dumb people down Facebook page And the Richlander You can delete everything else in your account

Except for your access to that page This guy looks like he could be curating the dumb people down Facebook page. And the Richland Relief. You can delete everything else in your account except for your access to that page. This guy looks like he could be curating the Dumb People Down Facebook page. That's right. Like, I want him to get on our

Facebook page. His glasses tell me he's like far more commitment issues. I don't know. Like, he's written like six negative reviews of the last

Weezer album. How many times has he said, I'm just here for the band? Do I have to pay a couple of I don't want any trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I have to pay a couple of dollars? Every time.

I don't want any trouble. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So we're guessing how old this guy is? How many times has he said, I'm going, but this is where your mom will pick you up? I think that dude is... Wait, you get the option. You're our guest.

So you can go first, Tig, which is second, because Dinksy Tara was the first person. She never says she wants to go first. Or third. You want to go first, Tig, or is second, because Dinksy Tara was the first person. Or third. You want to go first, Tig, or third? I'll go first. Is there an over-under? I got to get it. You can be over, you can be under. It's just who's ever closest.

Without going over? No, you can go over. Okay, got it. Cool, I like these rules. I'm going to go with 36. Okay, 36 from Rhea. Jason Oran, who wants to go second? That guy's 41.

41 from Jason's part. That's a 41-year-old man. Let me see him. Let me see him. Let me see him. I got to get him. Look into his eyes, and you will see. What do you mean to me?

That's a guy who was born to play bass guitar. And not just the reason that I sang it, but I guarantee Kevin Costner's Robin Hood is his favorite Robin Hood. 47. 47? Okay, Randy says 47. That's how old we are, by the way, now. 47.

Jason says? I said 41. You know, to me, you're still 40 and you still look it. To me, you were 40. Yeah. That's on the cue card. Okay, what did you say, Jay? 41.

41. 36. 36. All right, so we're in a 10-year range, 11-year range. So get your answers in. I'll tell you this. One of you. I don't think I've ever said this.

Yeah. Three of you are right. By Price is Right rules, one of you would definitely win. Okay. So then it's real. We don't know. Anthony Akers, the Yeah Who would be caught But only on his own terms

On his own terms Right Some sort of creepy Like cryptic romantic Relationship wording Listen Love You can't put limits

And time limits on love Yeah you definitely can't But you can on Sentencing Yes You can on when you're supposed to be At the police station Yes

But some people think Marriage is a sentence Yeah exactly And this guy I think marriage is a sentence. Yeah, exactly. And this guy... I think it's a paragraph. There you go. Written on Facebook. Thank you.

Folks. Anthony Akers. By the Richland Police. Is 38 years old. Oh! I almost... Oh, yes. You walked in and won.

I did. That's all you did. Oh! Yeah. You walked in and won. Thanks for all the town. Oh! Yeah. You walked in and won. Thanks for all the townies that played along. Yeah, Rhea Butcher.

So fun. I love it so much. I had a whole methodology of picking that age. Crushed it. You freaking nailed it. But isn't it, when I write about that picture,

you're like, I don't know. He's a hard 28 or a good 52. There's no gray in his hair. Yeah. Well, he's got a little just for men problem.

Oh, yeah, for sure. There you go Alright I wish him I hope he has a good month There And when he comes out Join our Facebook page brother Fly straight

Whatever you gotta do Appreciate it Rhea Butcher Thank you so much for joining us We'll have you back Yeah please And we're gonna have you On our other podcast

View from the Cheap Seats So check that out And oh shit We gotta get back away stick around make a sound calm your down it's dumb people town it's a good show