Dumb People Town - Rob Huebel - Roll Of The Dice

Episode Date: January 23, 2024

Comedian and actor Rob Huebel stops by as Randy explains how tourists in Hawaii followed their GPS right into a harbor, Jason describes a Wisconsin election that was decided by a dice roll, and Daniel warns against having sex at an amusement park. and so much more!

Dan and Ren and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk We spread the news and wish the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Tunker Down is Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town Population U Population Hubel Hey everybody I was gonna say Population Hubel Hubel It's Rob Hubel This U. Population Hubel. Hey, everybody. I was going to say Population Ubel. Ubel. It's Rob Hubel.

This one's just for Ubel. I'm so happy Rob Hubel is here. It's nice to be back. In the dumb world. Before when I did this, I think I wasn't here. I was in my home, and it was maybe. We zoomed in. Yeah, zoomed in.

2020, 2021. This is way better. It's just so much better. Take our shirts off and just relax emotionally. Let's just put on the lotion. What? Put the lotion on. I ran into Rob in the wild.

And it was, he saw me. Rob in the wild is fantastic. Was I by myself or with me? You were by yourself. What did he wear? What set it? At a golf driving range. So it wasn't like the woods.

Yeah. No, it wasn't in the wild per se. He wasn't like eating from the carcass of an animal. Yeah, we were at a driving range. We were very at a very exclusive public driving range. And you were by yourself. I was by myself. Cause I think I had like a few minutes and I'm like, let me drive by here.

And I, while I was going to pick up my kid from school or something, I'm like, I'm going to work on something. And then he came by and said, hi. And I'm like, all right, we need you back on the podcast. Here we are. So if you have kids, do you ever see somebody who, do you ever do this or do you ever do this? Dan, you're not participating in this,

but when you see someone, they see you doing the same thing and you're not with your kids, but they're with their kids. So you feel like you're a deadbeat dad because every time they see it, like every time somebody, I have one guy in my neighborhood

who's always with his kid and then he sees me and I'm just walking by myself. It looks like I'm neglecting my family completely because every time he sees me, I'm by myself. Like I never do anything with my kids. I mean, it depends on what you're doing. Like, you know, if you're in like a jerking off in like a Safeway parking lot. Okay. I mean, how's the separation going?

Great. Working it out. Yeah. You got your place. I'm working on something here it's very comfy behind the dumpster nobody make a thing all right so i like to watch them gather the cart just get anyway the world's getting dumber and we get stories sent in by our fans the world is getting really dumb right thank you really dumb i really come really fast i think it's

homeschooling i do think it's i think homeschooling has something i was just reading about how like homeschooling is getting so huge i mean this is an old story this is a different podcast no no no no it's not but it's not helping but by the way homeschooling is homeschooling is like a zach galvin access joke about i went to my prom it was homeschool i was homeschool homeschooling is homeschooling is like oh you just run a big risk a one-night stand that essentially suddenly turns into like a marriage yeah in terms of what you know i was listening to a podcast i was listening to a podcast about a cult where the cult next door. And it was about the cult's leader was this,

the leader of the family ran the family like a cult. And he wanted to control the information that the kids were getting. And so he decided to pull them out of school and homeschool them. And he did it for a year and was like, I can't do this shit. I got a cult to run. I can't, this is too hard.

Parenting is harder than the cult. It's all homeschooling is so much work than a cult wait nobody wants to do that so to me homeschooling is like if you find like a really weird good diet and you're like you gotta eat like a pound of basil a day and only protein and this and you'll lose weight and like it works for a while but then if you do it for like nine years you're gonna be like oh shit i don't have any iron in my diet anymore and i don't have these essential things when the sun comes out i get like massive yeah yeah i sleep like 14 hours a day like well i don't even know how did this become what is this oh my god we might as well call this detour time it's not just this episode all right so

homeschooling all right so it is getting dumber and so i have a story sent in by our good friend derrick shipley who is one of our fans who sends in stories i love you derrick up to these days he's sending in stories he's a stringer so derrick is uh we don't know is this derrick's a lawyer job so yeah sending in bits to you is derrick a lawyer wait am i thinking of derrick lipkin derrick lipkin is the lawyer derrick shipley sends us stories i don't think you were for amazon listen to this podcast that's right this we got a host full of derricks that a stable full of derrick you know who won't listen to anymore bo derrick bo derrick will not listen to this podcast she walked off one bad interview

well she ran off in slow motion in cornrows. Okay. Two people will get that joke. I give it a 10. I give it a 10. And both of them only know it from Tom. Did you say I give that joke a 10? I did.

Get out of here. All right. Get out of here. Here's the headline. Tourists in Hawaii followed their GP. Didn't you do a movie about Hawaii? Yes, you did. I did.

I was the star of the movie The Descendants. I was the star. Tourists in Hawaii followed their- I nominated you you do a movie about hawaii yes you did i did i was the star of the movie the descendants i was the star tourists in hawaii i nominated you for that thank you okay tourists in hawaii followed their gps and drove their car straight into a harbor pretty sure that was not supposed to happen quote i don't know who's giving writing this well one of the things did you you guys shot in kauai, right? I think so. Yeah. Stop. You don't know. I don't know. I don't think it was Kauai, but I think it was Kauai.

Okay. And I love the island. I love one of the things I love about Hawaii, especially Kauai is it's on you. Hawaii hasn't been fully, you know, kids safe. Like most of America has with the Grand Canyon and stuff like that. There's plenty of areas where you go where they're like, this is how many people died here. And that's the trail. Go ahead and jump off the bridge.

It's on you. I don't think they have snakes in Hawaii. No, there's almost no predators. It's like some deer on some of the islands. Especially Kauai. Is this podcast sponsored by Hawaii? Why are we talking about Hawaii? We're working on it. But I'm just saying, them driving driving there probably was no signage like it was just like well if you're dumb enough to do this their car just a pair of tourists drove their car into

a harbor after mistakenly following gps what are you doing david i'm following the directions it says go left on this dock i could see that would happen in my marriage. I could see that happening. You wouldn't. Really? Okay. Okay. You want me to?

Okay. Then I will. Fine. Fine. Are you happy? Now we're in the ocean. Now we're drowning. Now are you happy?

Great. You will get into a principal argument. Well, I listened. I listened. I listened. And the water's coming like this. I said. Oh, but don't worry.

We can't roll the windows down because you're too hot. My mom has a car. In our car. And I'm not making fun of my wife. But I am. Please do. But in her car, she has those things, those little hammers that you use to smash out your window. In case.

You go into a lake. Okay. Because the pressure becomes too much. So you have to have a little thing. Smash it out. But she has it still in the packaging. Oh, my God be like let me get this you can't get it off i'm trying to bite it and the water's going on god damn it all right the incident happened on uh saturday in in hanokahao uh small boat are you in hawaiian yeah i am that is the actual. It's almost just fanatical. That is the native pronunciation.

Small boat harbor in Kailua-Kona, a region on the west coast of Hawaii. Oh, the big island. Now you are using that correctly. You've never seen that. A video, and I'll show you the video. Is this a G's up, Don Ho's down? That's right. A video by Christy Hutchinson, a witness to the incident, shows the two women buckled into their Dodge Caravan. Just two women in a Dodge Caravan.

Hey, this is their Thelma and Louise. I guess. Louise and Thelma. They just watched the movie. And they're like, keep going. While it was headlights deep in the murky water. Now, that to me sounds like a song from Florida Georgia Line. Headlights deep in the murky water.

Is that a Jacob Dillon song? Or Jacob Dillon. sounds like a song from Florida Georgia Line. Headlights deep in the murky water. Headlights deep in the murky water. Or Jacob Dillon. Headlights deep in the murky water. One headlight deep. One headlight deep. Headlights deep in the murky water. I said to the man I didn't know that was your daughter.

He brought it home. He brought it home. And so did the song. Hammer in the package. He brought it home. He brought it home. And so did the song. Hammer out. Hammer in the. Smash out her windows. Still in the package. Don't know what I'm doing. It's just a song about losing your virginity.

It's all symbolism. In a car that's floating. I was sitting here. I mean, if Bob Seger can sing about a teenage girl's tits, we can do whatever we want. Down on Main Street. I was sitting here trying to seek shelter from the rain and then the next thing i saw a car drive directly past our boat into the harbor at a pretty decent speed hutchinson told the post it was so confidently done they didn't have a look

of panic on their face helma they were still smiling oh my god laughing and smiling it was a rental i mean that's when you don't really give it did you get coverage did you get coverage we don't need it we don't need it my insurance covers it i used an american express and they have insurance that's my excuse all the time hudgenson's video on sunday shows the car's windshield wipers still moving as the clars slowly tipped forward but the women did not appear to be panicking turning on the wipers is such a great you gotta get rid of the water your wipers don't have the strength i mean that's a laurel and hardy right or that's like if someone described us trying to continue to have a career at this

point in our lives. You're just turning on wipers as you're going in the lake on this one. You really need this. It took us a second to figure out what's going on because they didn't seem panicked or have any sense of urgency to get out of the car. At what point do you think this is like a prank or someone's filming this for social media? They're on island time. We got it. Island time.

We'll open the doors in a few minutes. This woman was already filming, right? She said in the video. No, she just saw them go in and then started filming them. Like the witnesses, like the car drove by our boat. Right, yeah. Anytime a car. If a car drives by your boat and your boat's in the water.

Oh my God, Deb, this is better than snorkeling. Pretty sure that wasn't supposed to happen, Hutchinson said in her video, while other witnesses shouted at the tourists to get out of the car. So she's on island time having fun watching this, and other people are like, get these people out. Eventually, the tourists unbuckled themselves. The passenger climbed out through the window and waited out while the driver sat on the window, seemingly unsure how to escape.

Video also showed several men stepping in, trying to save the women. You know, like when guys are you so far, these are two of the dumbest people ever. Very hot. I bet. And get out of them being very. Yeah.

Well, that's how many men came to help. Yeah. You know what I mean? Nine dudes jumping in. It'd be like one grandpa. It's like, right. We only need two guys we got it back up here this is like the climax of an 80s tna movie right do you know what you're supposed to do though in that situation like what you know the car going down in the car going down and your windows are up do you know what you're supposed to

do let it fill and then open the door yeah but how terrifying would that be to let it vary you're supposed to crack the windows if the if the power doesn't always still work, but you're supposed to crack the window. So it fills up. You let it fucking fill up with murky water. And then you're supposed to like swim out. And just to open the door and spin. No, you won't be able to open the door.

You won't be able to pressure. The pressure is too strong. So you're supposed to put the windows down, let the water rush in. Your kids are screaming. Your dog is barking. If it's a harbor. Dead deer in the back.

You don't know. There's certain parts where you could go off and you're going down 20, 30, 40 feet. More. So you're also waiting for that. Where you're like, man, I swear to God. We're going to find out where the bottom is in this life. In this life. The video captured the moment the car sank in the harbor,

dipping in the water, nose first, then disappearing beneath the surface. The van was later hauled out of the water by tow crews per Hawaiiaii news now which is where i get all my names by the way hawaii news now is pretty good that's why your accent is so good your pronunciation hawaii news how do you tow that out you gotta be a crane giant magnet the amount of bullshit you're gonna get from the tow guy you know is, is like, what'd you do? What'd you do? Well, look what you did here. You want me to check the tires?

You sure you know which way to go home now? Y'all have a good trip home. We're just going to make a left turn by that dock. Oh, no, we're not stupid. We'll drive over here on the road. She added that she believed the tourists were sisters, but that she did not have any other information about them. However, no one was hurt in the incident. At what point do you think they were like, I don't think this is right?

Well, this is the problem. They seem to have never. So now you're going to hear, this is, again, their quotes. There was a moment that I read this, and I'm like, I kind of believe them. When on land, the tourists said they were on their way to a manta ray tour. And they're like, I guess we're just going to drive all the way. You got to go all the way into the ocean. It's one of them.

It's like a safari. It's a glass bottom boat. We were homeschooled. There are manta companies directly on either side of the ramp. I can see how such a mistake could happen no in heavy rain perhaps is what the wipers are on already because it's raining yeah it's nighttime was no it's daytime daytime that's i thought samantha tavers an information specialist for hawaii's department of transportation told the post that the occurrence was quote kind of rare

so it should be the most rare thing were there mushrooms involved i don't know if that was it then i'd be like oh well that's what that pilot you know on alaska airlines oh yeah he wanted to take the plane down but took a bunch of mushrooms because he'd been depressed and he had been up for like 36 hours yeah so do you think this woman and i think people in hawaii have a sense of humor and they have a all of them healthy disdain for all tourists that they're idiots who are coming over here so this is to this woman i'm sure said it with a straight face but full irony taveras gave advice for tourists in hawaii telling the post if you see a body of water don't drive towards it fair what do you mean i mean you want

to go to the beach don't don't go towards it don't ever go to the beach don't you just don't go that close i'm gonna play can i play the video for you guys addresses moved off the podcast though how will people see uh we'll put aaron will put the video drop on youtube but i'll just play it for you guys hold on here we go ready and who is this this is the women yeah this is look at them they are hot they're just too older right they're not hot that is not even raining that hard it's not even raining that hard you guys it's barely oh they're they're like it almost looks like they drove onto a ramp they don't look at all concerned and it doesn't seem dire oh they're not underwater yet the window's already down right

wipers when you're in the ocean they are so and what's that thing that's like the tour the duck boats in boston oh yeah and the wisconsin yeah there are some vehicles that like can are amphibious yeah there is it's like there's a moment when a tsunami's coming i've seen a bunch of these videos where it seems like it's going to be fun it's going to be fun yeah It's going to be fun. Yeah. And then very quickly, it's not fun. They do seem to be at a ramp. She's hanging out. They are, but like someone else. And they're trying to get them before,

because it's going to drop off real fast. It's going to drop off real fast. Reverse it. Yeah, look at her sitting on the edge. Sitting on the edge. Reverse it. Get out. Oh, I can't wait for people to see this.

Get out. Is that a Kia Sorento? What kind of vehicle is that? I don't know. But it is one. i'd just be standing on the dock being like did you guys thought think you rented a boat a car company should take the lead and be like this thing floats yeah so if you're ever driving in the water you can get as fucked up as you want don't worry don't worry this thing's gonna float you can easily

get out of there oh my god i wish you six. So there you go. And this guy's like throwing a rope to that guy. To his buddy. Look at this guy just hanging out. Who talked about it? Everybody is very chill. Very calm. No one's free. You're on.

That's their aloha. Exactly. Aloha. Drowning is supposed to be a nice way to die i have heard thank you for having the guts to say that so do you think they went on the manchur is going windshield wiper did they go on the manta ray tour or not did they get to see one i don't know this is they got to see one up close we're trying to find the manta rays what's the difference between a manta ray and a stingray just size a manta ray is bigger are you guys biologists no i mean we are not any more disgraced disgraced

disgraced biologist he was honorably discharged i was just i was just you know what if you do homeschool you could do that to kids you are now a biologist right they have no idea you're you should give out doctorates three months of doing homeschool with your kids you're gonna be like i don't i This is too much. I literally. I don't want to give a lot of credit to the people who do it right. I mean, the curriculum. And I say curriculum.

Who's doing it right? There's got to be some. I don't know. I bet you we know people that we didn't know are homeschooled. And you'd be like, no. Well, wasn't Tim Tebow homeschooled? Maybe. I rest my case.

I rest my case. No, I bet there are people who do it right. Let me come forward and say if there's someone who is committed to the full spectrum. Or if you live in a rural area where there is no school. But for the sake of our careers, it's funnier

for the people who do it wrong. Who kind of have to do it. If you're a former college professor and you're like, you know what? I'll take it on. I'll teach the whole neighborhood. Bring them around every day. In my garage. For no money.

For no money. I'll just do that. For no money and tons of aggravation. You want me to watch your kids for you? Sure. I'll put up with hormones and kids who don't want to do it. I will do it. Let me do that for nothing. I'll take the aggravation on.

All right. There you go. That's story number one. You go Mo so many dumb people story number one down the books we'll take a break jay's gonna do story number two we'll find out what dan's got going on and we'll find out what we're what we have we're doing all this stuff's coming up it's dumb people town rob hubel is our guest don't go anywhere stick around make it sound there's more hey guys welcome back to the show Rob Hubel is with us We're gonna find out

What he's got going on But first let's tell you What we have in the works Yeah so I think The next thing on the books For us is If this drops When I think it's gonna drop

Hilarity's in a couple weeks Yeah well First of all we have a Tag it at the Comedy Store On November 15th Which is a Wednesday Which I believe is probably Tomorrow night

If this drops on that I I might just come watch. Come please. It's one of the ones where we tag our actually jokes. Yes. We tag our friends jokes. It's super fun. And then on December 1st and 2nd, we're at hilarities in Cleveland, right after the new year on the 4th, we're in Portland on the 5th.

We're in Seattle helium and then the crocodile. And then end of the month, we're back inattle helium and then the crocodile and then end of the month we're back in denver at comedy work south that's beginning february and then minneapolis and then austin you guys go out every weekend every month every month one month okay so you just blow off your families yes say sometimes they bring them it's like the scene in Annie Hall, which are we allowed to reference? I don't think it's the movie. No, we're allowed to. So there's a moment in Annie Hall where we're only gone like three or four days out of the month to go do stand up for that and work.

Yeah. But if you ask our children, we are deadbeat dads. It's like the scene where he's in therapy is like how much how much sex are you having he's like hardly any three to four times a week then it's her therapist how much sex you have and she's like all the time three to four times a week and if you ask your friends you guys are always with your kids we're all you ask our friends we're always with our kids you ask our kids are like my dad i remember him i think yeah he's on the road he's a road comic yeah so we do it but we love it it's so it's certainly not for the money because we have to split it but the joy of doing it and the actual act of it and

the chance to meet the people listen this podcast you know the greatest you've done you've done live i'm jealous of of stand-ups i'm jealous of like just performing live because the pandemic kind of took that away me a little bit so i'm starting to get back more into it but um yeah i love you are you popping up things around town i mean you know we do shows at largo uh in town and i haven't done anything at ucb because ucb is now a kind of a different thing but i think i'm going to do some stuff there have you guys ever done like a human giant reunion? We have not. And I was thinking that would be just because the state is doing it right. I know.

You 100% you 100%. I know it's not. I think it's just like, I don't know what Aziz is doing. You know what I mean? I talked to him and we're all, you know, me and she or see each other all the time,

but Aziz is sort of in and out of this country and he's in England and stuff like that. And he's great. But I think he's, you know, he kind of does his own thing. And like, so I don't know that he would be down, but I've never asked. And who knows? Maybe not a tour, but like a show in New York would be free. Or like SF Sketch Fest is always great about hosting stuff like that.

Yeah, I'm going to do Sketch Fest this year. We're going to go up there and do that. You're going to do How Did This Get Made there? No, we're gonna do uh improv there with this crew that we call dinosaur now it's just a bunch of white guys oh nice that's what we call a dinosaur uh i love it well how can people follow you and know where to see you dude you know whatever instagram i don't give a fuck don't follow me i like it don't follow me don't challenge you i challenge you he defies follow him. I defy you to follow him.

We'll see if you can. At Hubel on threads. At Rob Hubel on Instagram and threads. There you go. That's how I do it. Yeah. At Hubel on Truth Social. And you'll see me at the driving range.

Most people. That's how most people. That's where I tell most people about my shows. You guys are doing an improv driving range show. All right. Well, let's get into this story. Top Golf does come to shows. It's called Bottom Golf.

I know. They should. All right. This is sent in by our good buddy carlene mcdermott she's the best at she be carlene that is her hand wow she plugged herself better than i did yeah she was really good don't follow she encourages people to follow don't follow hubel reminder to all our friends we may be switching this to threads we might all. All right, Daniel, you might know about this, and you might have been involved in it. All right, here's the headline. Dice roll settles tie in small Wisconsin town election. A dice roll?

My current hour has a huge bit about Wisconsin. The fact that nobody fucking even knows what's happening in that state. There's such weird. You guys joked about it when you did comedy on state the first time we were together tracking it yeah like you were like up in rhinelander no one knows what's going on do you want to know what happened in rhinelander true i'll just tell you this please uh like 40 50 years ago three drunk guys one night it might be a hundred years ago decided that they wanted to create a monster for their town. And so they created what's called a hoedag. It's like a frog demon with horns.

And it's become the entire identity of this town. They have one of the biggest country music festivals in the country. Called the Hoedag Festival? Called the Hoedag Festival. God damn. So they just got drunk, really, one night, and then created a thing that became the town's whole identity. So that's what you can do in Wisconsin.

So do you guys know what bar dice is? No. No. So Wisconsin, every single bar, it happens in the Dakotas and stuff too. But bar dice, you go to a bar, you can play for shots with the bartender. Custody of your kids? That probably. You can do the shake of the day.

That usually is in those big clear pretzel containers. Yeah. The dice are in there. And then you shake it and then put it down. And then they add up your numbers. The shake of the day will win what's in the pot. You pay like $1 to do the shake. It's amazing.

This is at every bar in Wisconsin. I would say there's probably some bougie motherfuckers in Madison and Milwaukee that don't do this. But outside of that, everywhere. OK. And drinking age is 14. You've never been in a bar where you're just hearing people go, bang. It's just throughout the whole night. No, I've never been to a bar.

I don't go. You have. You don't go to bars. I don't go to bars. Yahoo's. I've been to Yahoo's. Yahoo's up at the cabin. Yahoo's is doing bar dice every single day.

Do they do it at the Plaza for Plaza Burger? They do shake of the day. They'll do shake of the month. And then your number gets put up there. And if you're the winner for the month. So Dice settles a lot of stuff in Wisconsin. Yes. Bar Dice especially.

Apparently now elections. Elections. I'm doing this story basically. You said election? Election. So this is an election solved by a Dice. You crazy bitch. Yeah, Dan.

You can work this into your act. I talk about Bar Dice. Then you're going to talk about this. So work this story into your act. Work this story in. And we story and we're doing this i literally might go do you fuckers know that an election the audience thinks you have to once i tell them what the drinking age is in wisconsin there isn't one and i'm not lying well all of that shit people just think i'm making it up dan wisconsin there's no loss you're gonna add this to the list okay so i'm doing this basically so dan can do his wisconsin accent I love you. Throughout the whole time.

All right. I'll do it. Let's go. Okay. An election in a small Wisconsin town came down to a roll of the dice. One that wasn't stolen. Hey. Okay.

All right. Easy. After Rob, this is the most Wisconsin name. I'll yell it back at you. Rob Zoschke. Rob Zoschke. Now, I bought a car here before, and I'm not getting screwed around like I did. You're at Zorsky Ford.

You guys tried to make me add cruise control, and I'm not paying for that shit. I like a window I crank, not press. Rob, you showed up here in a boat. I am right, and I am trying to leave in a Buick. Your friend here, Nate Bell. Did you mispronounce rob josh and nate bell each received how many votes to be president of the sister bay this is door county this is door county village board of the village board yeah how many votes sister bay sister bay and sturgeon small small town how many

votes did they receive i bet i mean so it was a tie. I bet there's like 200 people in this town. I bet they got 100 votes each. 100 each? I'm going to say 36 each. 756 votes, and it should have been seven, but I forgot to vote. Okay. Here it is. Get your answers in.

You would have broken the tie. I wrote it in my mind. I don't know why you can't yell your vote. I yelled as I went by. I said, vote me down for me. That should count. I should be able to vote after. Did you hear Rob?

Rob put in for himself. All right. Get your answers in. They each received 256 votes. Rob was close. President of the Sister Bay Village Board. The race went to a tie break Village clerk Heidi Teich

Heidi Teich Oh she looks good I remember her from high school She had no work done Same haircut since high school I like her with a little more meat on the bones Is she still dancing at the fox hole? Yep

The fox tail She was doing a couple of shifts at the fox tail She she's still the foxtail that has a couple of strips it's a strip club but she's got an artificial hand and you know what it feels better than her natural yeah she likes to use that hand better it still has the dexterity to go in give her a high five when i'm drunk. I don't even notice. She's got a poseable thumb. It's mechanical. It's an artificial hand that you could pick up a coin with it and drop it in the old jukebox. Play a little foreigner.

Her and I got drunk on Blatts two years ago. And I said, hey, it's just me and you. I'm bartender's here, but she's asleep. And I said, hey. Why are you getting quiet, Rob? Heidi, I'm so sorry to hear about the death of your husband. I feel so bad. Can I touch your stump? And she let me touch it.

She unscrewed that hand. I'm going to be honest. That's the hardest I've been in 10 years. So now you've got to dance your thing now. Now you've got a thing for stumps. Oh, Heidi, I hope they solve your husband's murder. No. I'm doing an Irishumps. Oh, Heidi, I hope they solve your husband's murder. No. I'm doing an Irish answer.

Oh, Heidi. Why is Nate Bell smiling like that when he says that? Oh, I hope they catch that son of a bitch that murdered your husband. You're saying that wistfully. It's colder than Lake Winona is that case. I'll tell you that. Heidi told the candidates the election would be settled via a game of chance. She just decided this.

Yep. This is what it says. As per. Nope. As U2. She's like, I've had enough. All right, U2. I'm sick of all the bickering.

And now we're going to settle this. Now you get the bar dice. This is where. This is Wisconsin. As per the state election code. Stop, Dan. It's in the code that it's a dice roll. What?

I gave him a chance. All right. What are they doing in Wisconsin? I won't say what the dice roll was and who it was in favor of. We can guess that later. It has to be. It has to be. What's his name?

I don't know. It's drawn a lot of interest because it's such an unusual thing. Miss Teich told the BBC. The BBC is up in the story. That's a step down because I guarantee you in the 70s, this was televised. Yeah. Just local news. A TV movie. A BBC

is just like, what the fuck? They just troll for dumb American bullshit. The BBC does this story and then turns to whoever in England and says, see? Yep. Proved our point.

Yeah. After voting ended, the village clerks sent an image of the final tally to both candidates. Am I seeing this right? Mr. Bell remembers thinking upon seeing 256 to 256 count. A dice roll was one of the options. Not a recount. Nope. The three-member board of canvassers considered pulling names from a hat.

Oh, my God. Darts? Is it darts? So far, it's dice. Pulling names from a hat. Are you ready for this? Cutting a deck of cards. That is the most Wisconsin shit.

Is it cards to play euchre? Welcome to our new board member, the Jack of Spades. Are you ready for this? Drawing straws. I can't even draw that well. Or flipping a coin were among the other possibilities, but the canvassers ultimately decided a dice roll was the fairest. Look, the dice roll is going to represent our county more than anything else.

God damn. They felt that if you flip a coin and a candidate calls one side, the other candidate has no option but to take the other side. Yeah, that's how it always works. In a dice roll, they both get to participate. Heidi Teich is thinking about fairness. We're going to play five deuces, three rounds, best of, unless you clear it all day.

Heidi, I wouldn't mind if you lost your other hand. I want a handless Heidi. Someone's going to send this podcast to her, and she's going to be so upset. You clear it all day. Heidi, I wouldn't mind if you lost your other hand. I want a handless Heidi. Someone's going to send this podcast to her, and she's going to be so upset. She's going to be like, what? Neither candidate. My hands. Are you ready for this? This is amazing.

The hands of Heidi Teich. The hands of Heidi Teich. Are rolling in the white. All right. Neither candidate was able to attend the role in person. Oh, you got other stuff to do? Too busy. Too busy.

There's a lot of. I told you guys when you set it up, I fish. I fish on Wednesdays from four to eight. Well, what about you, Nate? Can you be there? Nate, can you be there? I have a lot of things. I've got a lot of mason jars.

I have to organize. I'm trying to solve the murder of my dentist. A lot of murders to solve. I'm surprised they don't do it by pull tab. Oh, God. A lot of murders in this part. Oh, I know that. Yes.

All right, here we go. All right, neither can I was able to roll in person, so two canvassers rolled in their stead. Oh, my God. You're going to leave this... I don't like this. What you do is you unscrew Heidi's hand. You put the dice in the unscrewed hand.

So no real hand is touching it. Okay. Mr. Zoschke, watch the odd event via Zoom. I don't know how Zoom works. Am I on? Am I on? Turn your camera on. And he was muted for the first 15 minutes of it.

Brenda, get in here. Am I on? They can hear you, Bob. He watched it over Zoom. Good God. Point your laptop at the dice. Oh, I figure he's driving. How many?

All right. They do such a. Might have been in a calm mind. They do such a loose number. But approximately how many supporters reached out to Mr. Zoschke after the result, which I'm not going to tell you what the result was. 30. 200.

People that are upset or people that are excited? Well, I can't give you why, but they reached out to him. Why can't you? Because they tied again. Because I want you to guess who won and by how much. 15 people reached out to him. Get your answers in. Half a dozen.

Half a dozen. Six. One. Thanks, everybody, for saying when he said half a dozen everybody goes six yes i knew it well you know half a dozen and one six and terry's other one regretted that their teenage daughter was unable to cast a ballot due to an out-of-town doctor's appointment there would be someone wanted to vote who else you think my daughter's going to vote for? Can't we vote her? The town is so small, they don't have a doctor.

I got out of town doctor's appointment. Another Canuckian. All day? She had to go on the fondue lock. That's where her doctor is. We moved and you don't give up on the people who make you ready. What does fondue lock translate to? By the lake?

Fondue lock. I think it's phone in the lake. Fondue. Fly the lake. 200 years ago, someone dropped their phone in the lake. We shouldue law. I think it's phone in the lake. Fondue. Fly the lake. 200 years ago, someone dropped their phone in the lake. We should name the town after this. Phone of the lake. In Wisconsin, they put cheese in their chocolate fondue.

All right. So the other one couldn't get off work before the polls closed. But I do have to believe my opponent received similar calls, Mr. Zosky said, in his friendly Wisconsin accent. He also said he all right well so now you know who lost but uh i don't he also figured this out based on i checked that a long time ago yeah he did however note that how many voters curiously chose not to select either candidate oh well the turnout is always i mean that's what i'm saying if it's how many people voted in

512 voted i would guess in a town of 50 no no that's 512 cast a vote for either guy but now there are other people who voted but chose not to vote on either one of these guys oh so what was the non the not the people who know that curiously chose not to select either candidate either they didn't know how to fill out the form go 118 200 half a dozen six guys everyone knows you're not impressing me when I say half a dozen you guys he did ever note that 78 voters. God, that's a lot. I don't get hung up on a vote here or a vote there. I still don't know. Just so you know, I have no idea. Yeah, Jay, just tell us who won.

No, no, no. I'll guess. Rob Zoschke. It was between Zoschke or Nate. And Nate Bell. Nate Bell. Mr. Bell asked to keep the dice as a souvenir and a reminder of life's unpredictability. Well, he lost.

It's too soon now, but I hope someday Rob and I can get together and have a charity event rolling dice off. Your ass, we will. Best known for being home to a marina and a restaurant. Good reading, Jay. With goats. You were homeschooled.

No, yeah. I'm just, I can't believe this is what this town is known for. Best known for being home to a marina and goats on a roof restaurant with ghosts on its sodded roof. Goats are goats. I've been there guys. You've been to this town. Yes.

It's door County. Okay. Don't say that. Like I know what that is. It kind of looks like this. It's this part that goes up into Lake Michigan on its own little, why do they put goats on the roof? It's just, it's always been that way. It's just goats on a

sodded roof. Don't you know that's what people come to town to see? Alright. The tie. I was staring at the goats and I missed the polling. I drove into the harbor. So who won? Why can't the goats vote? Why can't they live here? One of them knows me. Alright. The tie is one of the most exciting things to happen

to this town of how many people? There you go. Half a dozen. Half a dozen. That's me. All right. The tie is one of the most exciting things to happen to this town of how many people? There you go. Half a dozen. Half a dozen. That's six. Come on. How many people? I mean, I should know.

I know you better know. You better be closest. Think of how many people don't come up to vote. It's Door County. 3,000 people. Yeah, but it's sister base. 3,000 people. 4,500.

4,500. What do you say? Half a dozen sex a town of 1 106 i never would have dreamed we get this much attention up here said miss tish before we get out of here story number two yeah who won the dice rolled what was the dice roll that one versus what and who won so it's one? And who won? So it's one die. Single die? I think it's one die.

Half a dozen. So someone got half a dozen. I'll do this all day. Six versus what? Versus two. Six to two. I like that. Rod says six to two.

What do you say? Five, three. That's what I was going to say. Fine, fuck it. I'll go four, one. Four, one. One of you Is exactly right I'm staying 5-3

I know for a fact it's me Because I'm Rob Jorski Rob Jorski I'm Heidi Heidi Teich Was Heidi Teich The publicist from way back Heidi Fleiss

You are so Tyche. It's me. You're right. All right, so you guys are all sticking with yourselves. Get your answers in, because the person who was correct that the dice roll was 6-2, part one, was you, Rob. Yay, Rob. It was Rob.

I told you I was right. Beautiful. And who won? Was it Bell or Zoschke? Zoschke. I couldn't care less. I really couldn't care less. But tell me who you think. Zoschke. won? Was it Bell or Zoschke? Nate Bell. I couldn't care less. I really couldn't care less. But tell me who you think.

Zoschke. I think it was Bell. Bell, Zoschke. Yeah. Two Zoschkes and a Bell. Who won? The answer is Nate Bell won. Yeah!

What? Nate Bell won. And I don't like it. And I don't like it. And I don't like it. Work this into your act. Dan, give us a little taste of what we're going to have in segment three. Public sex.

Public sex. I love it. That's what I came here for. Thank you. That's why I drove to Burbank. We finally give him what he wants. Rob Hubel on the other side of this break. It is Dumb People Town.

Don't go anywhere. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into the final segment, Daniel Van Kirk. I hope people came out and saw. I bet they did. Well, I mean, it was sold out. Wouldn't that be crazy if they didn't?

No, no. You're going to have lots of great people. Yeah, thank you. I've hopefully said it already a hundred times. Where's your show? Everybody. They would have come to see my special taping in Chicago on 11-11, which is right before this dropped.

And then my hometown of Rochelle, where I did a couple shows. And the whole first run of the Rose Gold Tour. More dates are being added. But for right now, December 14th, Austin, Cap City Comedy Club. Boom. Daniel Van Kirk. That game. Love it. Ready? We've been in this last story. Let's do it. This is going to have some public sex. A lot of it.

Sent in by Beth at LoveMZU. LoveMZU? LoveMZU. Okay. Report. Okay. Report. Report. Allegedly. Allegedly.

People are saying. Couple had sex at Cedar Point. No. Cedar Point, the amusement park? Oh, yeah. Don't they have like some amazing roller coaster there that everybody talks about? How much for this ride? How tall do I have to be to get on to this ride? How tall do i have to be to get onto this ride how tall do i

have to be to go in the tunnel sand sandusky ohio two people are oh that's a bad place for all right hot water after i always think that too after their alleged lewd actions at cedar point were witnessed by children oh it is a small world after all this is where you came from this is where you came from look at it and this is where you're a dad holding his son's face up to it look at it watch this police were called to the giant wheel just after 8 30 p.m on sunday well it was dark it was dark oh also that's a double where'd you do her on the Buccaneer? On Sunday for a report of two people having sex. They're doing it right now. I'm looking.

It was only two. Yeah, it was only two. Only two. It would have been great if it was like five. You get bored in the line. You get bored in the line. An odd number. Any of you done the high roller in Vegas?

No. The Ferris wheel that's behind the link? Oh, people definitely have sex in that thing. I've done something in Vegas on the rooftop. of those like uh things that shoots you up oh shit it's like a moon shot or something like on was that the stratosphere yes it was fucking on the roof it's the scariest thing of it is it a slingshot it's like a slingshot around the peak the fucking needle of it and it shoots you fucking straight up but you're already you go out there and you're like oh i'm on top of a skyscraper this is high yeah this is already high it's very windy are you

afraid of heights at all or no i didn't think i was oh god oh i am i will never shoot me up in a ride uh are you loose or is it like attached you're sitting on it and it's like when they have like a seat belt what do you mean do they not have seat belts i mean you know how like hold on to this strap and you'll be fine. Do you know the subway strap? The slingshot thing in Atlanta where they like pull the thing back and they just slingshot people. And there's all these videos of people like passing out and then waking up and still being in there. Yes.

So this was just, they shoot you up the needle? You lock into this thing. You lock behind you. We would be all sitting four next to each other. In a circle around our back. Everything you've eaten goes right down to your toes. Your back is to the needle point. Yes.

There's also a roller coaster on the top. It goes out and around in the back. What kind of maniac is this thing? A lot of trust in the engineer. Bill, what if we put a roller coaster on the top of the hotel? Well, we're not going to put it near the edge. We're going to put it over it. In the middle of the roof. In the middle of the hotel well we should we're not gonna put it near the edge i mean that's we're gonna put it over in the middle of the roof it's on the roof it's guys we're out of ecstasy i've done all we can we're putting on the roof okay so the high roller

ferris wheel in vegas is i think it's like 30 people max and it you can do a deal where it's all you can drink for one rotation it takes like a half hour to go around. People get shit face. Shots. It's like a little moving train car. Impregnated. Somebody go get pregnant tonight. Police were called to the giant wheel after 830 on Sunday for a report of two people having sex.

A Miamisburg. That's a weird take on it. Where are you from? You from Miami? Miami's burg. Just outside. We're going to retire there. Sort of. The night life. Welcome to Miami's Berg.

Miami's Berg, Ohio woman and a Florida man. It's always. Even where I'm from. It doesn't matter where you go. Allegedly had sexual relations on one of the parks. Right. According to Sandusky police report, the act was reportedly witnessed by two women and two children.

Yep. So look away at this point. Do not cover their eyes. Cover their eyes. Look away, baby. Look away. Where'd you meet that Florida man? Oh, he was fixing the ride before I got there.

Exactly. When confronted by police, the couple denied they were engaging in intercourse. I would think if you are if you have to be asked were you guys having sex up there and i tell you no that's the end of this conversation you can't prove it unless someone well they saw you and they hate me what do you want exactly if they got video well then now countersuit yeah right why are you thinking of your legal moves in this? Because I've got plans.

Guys, I like to go on roller coasters. And leave six flags. So two women, two children saw this. They were confronted by cops. The woman claimed she dropped a pack of cigarettes. And when she bent over to retrieve them, the man helped her. That is. He kept helping her. Over and over. I helped her in with them. He kept helping her.

Over and over and over. And she kept dropping them. She kept dropping them. And he's got butterfingers. Are those regular cigarettes? No, they're more 120s. I need more. They're slippery.

They're slippery. The female, the group of females, I thought it was two. That's not a group. Who witnessed the alleged sex act, described what happened to police in detail. The group of females, I thought it was two, that's not a group, who witnessed the alleged sex act described what happened to police in detail. Slow down. The police are like, and then another guy's like, I'm going to need to make a report of that too.

Say that again, but whisper it. Whisper the details. Can you lick your lips? Are you an ASMR? Can you lick your lips? Do it like ASMR. This is one of the most prompted. When you say it, look right. Don't break eye contact.

Don't you look at him. Oh, you looked away. Start over. You looked away. Start over. Sir, you're not even writing on anything. You don't even have a pen. Oh, I'm writing it down.

You don't even have a pen. You're just doing this on your hand. Oh, I got a pen. Okay. This is the most prompted sentence I've ever read on this show. One of the children told an officer she was traumatized by what she witnessed. Oh, come on. That is a parable. If you're old enough to say traumatized,

you can handle it. Go tell the officer you're traumatized. That is the hunt. Exactly. When they get here, you say you were traumatized. I mean, get out of people's business. Take your kids away. I'm not saying they weren't, but the kid doesn't know to say that. No.

And if you're old enough to say traumatized, you're not traumatized. The officer then spoke with the couple again, and they eventually admitted they engaged in sex. Why would you say this? Because they got- There is no video. They broke them. They broke them is what happened. If your kids are like, what's going on up there?

You just say they're sharing a corn dog. Which is true. Which is probably- How far off is that level which is true the two were arrested for public indecency and transported the erie county jail because two of the witnesses were minors they had they were enhanced to first degree misdemeanors what i really want to ask come on i really want to cedar point is it worth possibly ruining these two people's life what's's the Cedar Point?

Did it require more than waiting for them, finding them once they both physically, actually both ways, physically get off the Ferris wheel and go, the fuck you two? Yeah. I get it. Do your shit. Just make sure kids aren't like, isn't that kind of all that was needed? Haven't you guys had enough in your own lives to be like, I just got to go tell this person to fuck off.

If you give, so what you do is you say, you kids give us each 20 bucks. And then you go to the two kids who saw it. And you say, here, go buy yourself some treats. Like, everyone shuts up. Don't tell anybody what you saw. Take these $20 bills. Get a race out of my head. Teach these kids that when it comes to sexual things, they need to know how to keep a secret.

Now, also, we don't know. I mean, we're obviously taking the wrong side of this, but we don't know. Rand might be. He wants to pay off secrecy. We don't know what these people were doing. We don't know how. They were just fucking. She bent over to get the cigarettes.

Well, no, no, no. And he. Yes. So maybe one other option. He lit her candle. One other option would be right but hold them in their in the security room like all night scare the hell out of them and be like you know what you like so much you two are having sex all day in the closet and do it for 12 hours

and then when you're done you won't want to do that it's like when you get caught drinking when you're in high school go ahead you. You want to have sex all day. You have sex in front of this whole kindergarten class. I'm bringing in 12 more women, and you're going to have sex with all of them until you can't anymore. As of Tuesday morning, neither the man nor the woman is incarcerated at the jail. There you go. Which I hope is just some Ohio cop on his smoke break being like, we let him go. Now, how old were the little kids?

Doesn't say. Do you want to guess how old the couple was? Yes. Half a dozen. Half a dozen. Half a dozen. Six. I'm going to say they're both 17.

No, they're adults. I thought you said they were minors. Oh, the kids were minors. Oh, 27. 27 and 25. Okay. 512. Nice.

I want them to be 65 and 56. That would be great. That would be unbelievable. The woman is 32. Oh my God. The man is 18. The man is 23. Yes!

You knew it! You should have led with that. Yeah, that's... I closed with it. Woman robs cradle. The 32-year-old grandmother of four told the man... Oh, that's story three. There you go, story three.

That's how we do it in Dumb People Town. Rob, you were wonderful. Rob Hubel, I love having you here. We love dumb people. There's so many dumb people. And the town is just getting bigger. And we just want to make it fun. It's just getting bigger.

It's not getting any smarter. It's not getting any smarter or smaller. Here's to you making fun of that on stage many times in the near future. I will. I would love to. Thank you for saying that. See, I put it out there, and then it will manifest. It will manifest. We love you. Thank you for saying, I put it out there and then it will manifest. We love you guys.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for following. Thanks for watching and come see us live. I know shit. We got to get back to work. Bye.