Dumb People Town - Rory Scovel - Into the Canadian Darkness

Episode Date: January 22, 2019

This week, comedian Rory Scovel joins the show!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Scoville. Yeah. Rory Scoville. Yeah. Rory Scoville. It's about damn time that we had you on this damn podcast.

I gave up on protesting. I finally caved. And also, we finally negotiated the contract and we were able to get me here. Guys, four white guys in a room together. Time's up. Time's up. Time for Rory to get on this podcast. That's what that means.

That's the only thing we can say time's up about. Time's up on Rory not get on this podcast. That's what that means. That's the only thing we can say time's up about? Time's up on Rory not being on our podcast. Well, Rory held out. He had a hunger strike, a very publicized hunger strike about not coming here, and then he got hungry. And I look good. Yeah, you look good. I look real good.

You and old and pollinates were like going, that's such a weird sports reference. We are back from break. This is our first record after the break. I know we have some that we'll release before this one goes out, but we should, and we will get into all the great stuff that Rory is doing, pen pals that he's doing with someone. I can't forget.

I forget who he does that show with. I don't remember either. I think it's just him. It's Solo. It's a one-man project. That's right. I'm the only person working. Oh, it's Dan! That's right!

That's right, it is Dan. We're going to reveal our idea. At the top of the second segment, we're going to reveal our idea for the greatest podcast, so we'll get the greatest downloads ever that we were talking about. But first... But first... I think we hoped that we turned the page on a new year. I don, I think we hoped that we'd turn the page on a new year. I don't know if we hoped this because it would be the death of our podcast.

We hoped that the world would be getting smarter. Turns out, over the break, got dumber. The world is continuing to get dumber. Like, someone stepped on the dumb gas pedal. Yeah. And don't you feel like we accelerated into, like, hyperspace? We're dumber. Yeah, hyper-dumb.

Hyper-dumb, landing into a new element, like corner of the dumb universe. So we got to fight back. We get these stories sent in. Dan breaks them down. And Rory will help us try to understand this stupid behavior and fight the wave of dumb. You want to do a story?

Let's do one. Hi, Dan. I'm sorry. Sent in by Catherine Tuck at Catherine Lorna. It's the Tuck rule. Thank you, Catherine. She's a loyal townie. What the Tuck?

Calamitous Cascade began with carjacking in truck stop parking lot. We can't use any articles. Articles no use. I'm sorry. Cascade. Calamitous I'm sorry. Cascade. Calamitous? Calamitous Cascade began with carjacking in truck stop parking lot. It felt like at the beginning of that headline, it was just all going to be alliteration,

and then they just ran out of C words. They bailed on it and started rhyming. Can we make it? Can we change it and make it? So, Calamitous Cascade began with carjacking. Converges. Created. Conver began with carjacking. Converges. Created. Converges when carjacking.

Created convergence. Calamity Cascade created convergence. In carport. Call the parking lot in carport for Christ's sake. You know when you're reading a book and you finish a page and you go, I got to go back. I don't know what I read. What did I just read?

That's that headline. Literally after six words, you're like, to go back. I don't know what I read. What did I just read? That's that headline. Right. Literally after six words, you're like, wait, what? What happened? No, no, I don't know. A crazy thing started falling down in a parking lot after a car crash. And it was calamitous. It was. Sad shit in truck stop parking lots.

Well, I mean, if you hang out there long enough. Dan, this is your joke. If you hang out there long enough, you are going to see someone passing their kids off. And the longer you are there, the more it's on you. Divorce parents passing their kids off. Oh, 100%. People aren't throwing calamity out there very much. What was it like?

It was calamity. No one is. That's not. Calamitous. Picture this. The guy who used a sawed-off shotgun to commandeer a half-ton truck is now driving 140 kilometers north on Highway 16 with the truck owner in the passenger seat. Then the driver drops the shotgun. He's gone 140 kilometers.

What else do you want to do? He's tired. His arms are tired. Are any of you European enough to know how fast that is? 140 kilometers per hour? I think there's how fast. 140 kilometers per hour. Yeah.

Oh. 90. It's probably 80. Well, wait. Hold on. I think a kilometer is.6. Like one kilometer is.6 of a mile. So it's probably 80. Well, wait, hold on. I think a kilometer is 0.6, like one kilometer is 0.6 of a mile. So it's almost half.

Right. So you said how much? You said 160? 140. I said 75. So about 80 miles per hour. I said 90, but I'm going to revise to 85. Okay.

It is 86.9. Oh! You're going to the showcase. Randy's moving on. Thank you so much Rory. Or Jason's moving on. I'm Jason. I know it's been a while. Even Rory knows the difference. I've never known that it was Randy and

Jason. I thought it was Jim and Richard. All through Pen Pals you kept being like, looking forward to hanging with Jim and Rich Yeah whoever they are I don't know Rich and Jim at night On Sundays I hope

I hope he dropped their shotgun Just because he wanted to change The radio station Hang on a second I don't like this Thank you next So here we go Picture this

The guy who used A sawed off shotgun To commandeer a half ton truck Is driving Picture this Sounds like It does this is not a journalist. This is someone telling someone a story at a party. Picture this. There definitely was get up from your seat and a wide-sweeping arm gesture.

Picture this. Like a wizard who's had too many drinks and at the like. Picture, if you will. Yeah. In Lord of the Rings picture this. Please allow me to introduce my story. Let's hear it. Rory and I

just did an episode of Pen Pals before this. Are you on that show too? And we also started saying music lyrics as though we were just talking to somebody. Oh yeah. A phenomenal guy. And it was fun to do. It was like climbing a mountain, turning around, seeing your face. That's exactly what I did.

Okay, so this guy's driving 140 kilometers per hour down Highway 16 with the truck owner in the passenger seat. He has a sawed-off shotgun. Then the driver, the guy who has the sawed-off shotgun, drops the shotgun. He keeps one hand on the wheel and fumbles with the gun for the other. Not where you want to be in your crime. He keeps one hand on the wheel and fumbles with the gun for the other. Not where you want to be

in your crime. He tries to pick it up. Three very operative words. By the trigger. Pick it up by the trigger. Pick it up by the trigger is like the one Conway

Twitty song they did. I was about to say a singer-songwriter is like, oh my God, I just thought of the perfect lyric. Picking up by the trigger. Picking up life by the trigger. Exactly. The problem is if you're a country singer. It's kind of like upbeat.

The problem is if you're a country singer, there's only one word that rhymes with trigger. And we aren't using that in this show. Nope. I go fishing with the jigger that I put on the end of my hook. That's as far as you can get. That's as far as you can go. Figure.

I don't know how you figure. I don't trust you. I'm picking it up with the trigger, I guess. It was a good idea, I figure. Yeah, I figure. So he tries to pick it up by the trigger and blows off a chunk of his own leg. Then they write, a really big chunk. That's just good journalism.

That's just good journalism. Oh, man! Oh, man! I'm good. I'm good. He blows off a chunk of his leg and then everybody listening said, now, is it a chunk or is it a really big chunk? It's probably a small chunk.

A really big chunk. I hope the person who chunk. It's probably a small chunk, right, Dan? A really big chunk. Oh, a really big chunk? Okay, good. I hope the person who wrote this was the person in the passenger seat typing it as it's happening. Picture this. It's his diary. I mean, a really big chunk.

A really big chunk. Oh, my God. That's a chunk of your leg. I think the guy with the gun that's now gone off into his leg is like, you just take the wheel for just a sec. Yeah.

We're going to trade. He definitely What are you picturing a chunk? Are you picturing something that you can hold in the fingers at their max? Like his entire calf got shot. Like when I

take a handful of pretzels. That's what I'm thinking. Like a handful of pretzels of his leg. This is like when a shark bites through someone's calf and there's just all that amount that's a good one. Like a handful of pretzels over his leg. This is like when a shark bites through someone's calf, and there's just like all that amount that's missing. I wish the writer would have said, like a really big chunk. Picture a handful of pretzels. It's a handful of pretzels at a party-sized chunk of leg.

He, that's the guy who is the bad person in this story. He then tries to jam the truck's transmission into park as it's hurtling down the highway, heading out of the pride, sheepdog's pride, the Saskatoon. Oh, yeah. That's why it was kilometers. Clicks. When we, Jay and I did a trip across country where we had to drive for Toyota an MR2 Spyder convertible all the way across the 10 and then all the way up the 95. Wait, that's a ad? Promotional thing for them. You did this?

We got a job. So they said we were paying you money. What a great gig. It was pretty good. It was good. But they said, do you know how to drive stick shift? And we just said yes. And did we know how to drive stick shift?

No. never. So we had our friend come to Torrance with us, Eric Friedman, who came to Torrance with us. And we got into the car, but then switched and let him drive it off the lot because he knew how to do it. So there was a moment. So we had to learn how to drive stick shift before we were going to take their precious car across country.

And the other thing about it is they wanted us to film using their cameras a bunch of stuff throughout the day, and then they were going to post it to this new thing called the Internet. That's how long ago it was. 99. It's like back when people didn't believe that Al Gore invented it. Yeah.

That's how long ago it was. So we would record, and we'd have music on the radio because we just wanted to listen to our CDs in this car. And we would send them hours of footage of us talking with this music in the background. Hours. And they're like, we can't use any of that. We can't clear any of that music. And Randy and I were like, well.

So meanwhile, we're in Phoenix and we're driving on the 10. And I'm like, we have to get off. And I, not knowing, took it from fifth to first. Straight to first. Randy. Yummy. It sounded like we had stepped on a dog. We had literally stepped on a dog.

The car was like, fuck you. What are you doing? Smoking. Smoking. We stopped. So I can only imagine what this guy drove. You got as far as Phoenix before we almost fucked the car up. Smoking. We stop. So I can only imagine what this guy throwing at him. You got as far as Phoenix before we almost smoked the car. That's a good distance not knowing what you're doing at all.

We had no idea. Pretty good. Pretty good. No idea. So the bad guy tries to jam the truck's transmission into park and is hurtling down the highway heading out of Saskatoon. Why was that his thought process? The guy in the passenger seat figures- To just get out of here and...

I'll just go park. Yeah. How do I make this situation way worse? The guy in the passenger seat figures at this point, one of three things is going to happen. Okay, how does the journalist know that? Quote, all I could keep thinking was, oh God, one of three things is going to happen. That's how I know. That's how I know.

I'm joking. That makes sense. That makes that's how I know. That's how I know. I'm joking. That makes sense. That makes sense. That checks out. That checks out. I wanted that to be the case. Still, I don't know how he knew that. Quote, quote, all I could keep thinking was,

Oh God, am I going to get shot or am I going to die in a car crash or am I going to have another heart attack? Everything you need to know about this guy. So he's already had a heart attack. Oh, God. Yeah. So at no point he's picturing himself

as a crazy hero that's about to save the day. Or is he picturing himself surviving? Yeah. He's like, he isn't. You're going to kill me.

This car's going to kill me. Or I'm going to kill myself. I'm going to kill me. I'm going to kill me. He is just, or my diet is going to kill me. He is just a truck-driving victim. Yeah.

Which, by the way, was another Conway Twitty song, never really. I'm going to read the full sentence and quote to you guys. It ends perfectly. Quote, All I could think was, oh God, I'm going to get shot, or I'm going to die in a car crash, or I'm going to have another heart attack,

said Gary. That's it. Nothing else. I want said Gary to also be in quotes because he said Gary. That's it. Nothing else. You know what I want? I want said Gary to also be in quotes because he said that. Right. Said Gary is the new Jim Parsons

project. The interviewer is like, I'm sorry, why did you say said Gary at the end there? Gary. Gary, I'm going to write that in anyway. I mean, I'll put said Gary. You don't have to say that.

I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. Get it all in there. Because for me to truly do honor to the quote, it will have to then say said Gary, said Gary. Right. If you're a good journalist, you put both of those in there. I want to be a stand-up comic who starts doing that. And that's how I feel about gray sweaters.

Said Daniel Van Kirk. Said Daniel Van Kirk. The reporter who writes an article about Dan Set. I'm a catchphrase comic whose catchphrase is saying my own name after my jokes. Said Gary, said Gary. Could be the new Right Said Fred. Or the new Mary Hartman, Mary Hartman. Super 80s cover band.

Said Gary, said Gary. How did this 58-year-old journeyman electrician from small-town Saskatchewan end up in the shotgun seat of his own truck at 4 a.m. That is the shotgun seat. The sawed-off shotgun seat. It all started at the Flying J truck stop. You better goddamn believe it.

Which is where every real adventure starts. Of course. Cheetos, corn nuts, hand jobs. Meth. And meth. The spouse of this journalist at one point was hearing about it while making some cereal and then went like, uh,

now it gives a whole new meaning to riding shotgun. And this journalist had to go, I already have that in here. Right. Linda, Linda, I know how to do my fucking job. You're not tagging this.

I already wrote that. I already know how to do this. It's like Danny, it's like your, it's like your thing. It's like, he's going to then say, okay,

so if I'm standing at an elevator, you're going to come up right after and start pressing the up button like I didn't press it. Like I didn't know how to press it. And then Linda's like, well, I don't know. I don't write like you. They're also at that stage in their relationship where it's over. So they just constantly ask each other the same question twice but aggressively. Like, can you get this out of the bag. Can you get this out of the bag?

Can you get this out of the bag? Yeah, too quickly. Can you? Can you? Can you do it? Can you shut the door? Can you shut the door? Shut the door.

Can you please shut the door? Is that better? Do you know how? It's too quick. Do you know how to shut the door? Do you get the emails? Do you get the emails? Yeah, I get the fucking emails.

Oh, I guess if I was texting you, you would respond to me too. Oh, okay. Okay. It just said delivered on my phone. I was just going to get on with MacKeeper and see if you were getting all the emails. I was just about to call customer service. Here's the story.

On Wednesday, November 7th, it was still plenty dark at 4 a.m. This person wants to write a book. Yeah. Plenty dark. Plenty dark at 4 a.m. Gary. By the way, Dan, it would not surprise me if this journalist wrote, it was still hella dark at 4 a.m. Gary. By the way, Dan, it would not surprise me if this journalist wrote, it was still hella dark. That was the first draft.

And the only note. Can we change hella to anything? Plenty? Plenty dark? That's actually worse, but let's put it in. Yeah. Gary was stocking up on road food and cigarettes at the Flying J. So I kind of feel like everything that happens after this is on him.

Okay, because he has already had a heart attack. I know. I'm sorry, bud. I'm sorry, dude. Right. He's got a death wish. Yeah, I love that he thought that the gun was going to cause a heart attack, but the road food and cigarettes.

Is that road food, which had already caused one heart attack? Of course, that's what I'm going to say. Or road food. He's had another heart attack. Of course, that's what I'm saying. Or multiple. He's had another heart attack. He could have had three. Road food sounds gross, but is also the most nice way to put what you're buying. It's two things at the same time. It sounds like the bottom of one barrel and the top of another lid.

Yeah, it's definitely not like, oh, well, I mean, road food for me is I just grabbed a ton of very fresh fruit from the Flying J. Everything was dried pineapple. Kiwi. That's a kiwi in there. Yeah, Flying J. Everything was dried pineapple. Kiwi. That's some kiwi in there. Some kumquats. Just quick finger to bag of kale, and I was on. Just some quinoa. And also some Flying J quinoa.

I don't want Gary to die, but yeah, Gary, you're going to have another heart attack if when you buy cigarettes, you call it stocking up. Yeah. There is a restocking fee. Right. Stocking up. Yeah. Yeah. There is like, that's a restocking feed. Right. Stocking up. He's buying cartons.

Yeah. By the way, FYI, have you guys ever been to a Flying J truck stop? Yes, of course. I was going to say, a Flying J truck stop, farmer's market. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Fresh, very good. A lot of good honey.

A lot of good honey. Oh, those figs. Give me two heirloom tomatoes. Yeah. And some of those shallots. And I will good honey. Those figs. Give me two heirloom tomatoes. Yeah. And some of those shallots. And I will just take six loquats. Now, you are making these empanadas here. That's right.

Okay. That's right. And is the tempeh fresh? Of course it's fresh. I just need to know how fresh it is. Okay. Well, then throw some of that in. The tempeh.

Throw some of that in there. And we know what? We'll throw in some shaved coconuts. Is this Satan? Stocking up on cigarettes. I'm going to ask you guys. I'm just curious. Have you, well, you did because you worked at a place.

In your personal life, have you ever, or when is the last time you saw someone buy a carton of cigarettes? It's been a long time for me. No one ever came into the gas stations that we worked at and bought a carton. Really? They didn't mind, did they? Yes. The most I ever seen. Carton. And they walk out so happy with a carton. I? They didn't mind. Did they? Yes. The most I ever seen. Carton.

And they walk out so happy with a carton. I had to go into the back to get it. Yep. Yeah. I remember I was probably like five or six years old. I remember seeing someone walk out of a gas station with a carton of cigarettes. I was going to say, when you worked at the prison, that's probably where you saw some cartons.

Is a carton 12 packs of cigarettes? Just a grape digger. What's in a carton? 10? A carton is six. These two would know. They know all the gas station stuff. Wait, 64 packs of cigarettes in a carton? No, let me see.

I would guess it's 18. No, no, no. What is a carton? A carton is like this. It's like this. No, that's way too long. Cut that in half. No, but I mean, I know visually, but I mean, technically, what is in it?

Like, the amount. DM, you didn't work in a prison? No. I was a federal agent. You were a federal agent. You dug graves. You worked at Marshalls. I worked at a tanning salon. 20 packs. I was way over. Yeah, 20 packs. 20 packs of cigarettes. I wonder if carton is universally 20 then, like case

is 24. Yeah. I wonder. A carton of cigarettes and some road food. So it says some cartons contain 20 packs. Oh, okay. So it's at your discretion. Okay. All right.

So he's stocking up on road food and cigarettes at the Flying J truck stop on the northern edge of Saskatoon. Of course. That's where this kind of stuff happens. He just finished a job in the city and had an hour and a half to get south to the next site. Gary... Probably Regina. I'm not trying to brag about knowing geography. Or Hamilton, eh?

Gary said he'd just finished a smoke and his mind was drifting to the truck's heater and the purr of the motor. Do you want to open hand smack this author? Oh, God. Yes. Wait, so what were you thinking about in the moment? Well, as I was smoking my cigarette, I was thinking about the purr of the motor, said Gary.

Right. I was listening to the purr of the motor and my arteries closed. Said Gary, said Gary. His mind was drifting to the truck's heater and the purr of the motor. I was grabbing my left arm because of the pain that was shooting up under it,

said Gary. But that'll pass, said Gary. Tap, tap, tap. There was a young man in a hoodie standing by his door, not dressed for the weather. Quote, so I rolled down the window a little bit and said, can I help you? You know what? It's Canada. It's Canada.

You always ask, can I help you? Oh, are you going moose hunting with that son of a bitch? Oh, my God. But there's a politeness in the air. And he said, it's really cold and your truck is running. Would you mind if I jump in and get warmed up? Never. He looked okay.

Never. So I said, yeah. He looked okay. Okay, so let's put a lot of things. Gary wants to die. Yes. Gary. Come hell or high water. The universe wants to kill off Yes. Gary. Come hell or high water.

The universe wants to kill off Gary. Right. Sure. Gary is trying to set up his own Rube Goldberg of Final Destination. And Death is trying to avoid him. But he's like, I'm trying to get this going here. Death is like, dude, you have five more years. Why are you pushing this?

Yes. He's like, nope. We're not ready for you up here. Yeah,'s like, nope. We're not ready for you up here. Yeah, we're not ready. Gary's doing like a Brewster's Millions with death. I got to spend all this death capital. Yeah, I got to spend my nine lives as fast as I can. I'm going to tell you this.

Tell everybody out there. If you're going to let anyone in your car in the truck stop parking lots, you need to verbatim run down the scene in Hateful Eight where Kurt Russell's character lets Samuel L. Jackson onto the stagecoach. Because it's a whole thing where he takes a gun and points right at him, and then he says, you take your guns, put them over there on that rock, then put your hands above your hat and walk back towards me. I'm not saying pull a gun on anyone, but tell a person, if they get in, lift up your shirt,

let me look into your band. Feel free to go through a whole set of clearances before you let anyone in. This is what I would say. I would say, go over to that trash can right there. Take out every content in your pocket. Put it on top of your trash can. Show me your waistband. As they're walking over to the trash can, you drive away.

That's what you do. And that's not cruel. That is not mean. But because it's an 18-wheeler rig, it's like, go, go! And they're just watching and then they're walking next to you, buddy, I'm cold! I get that,

but I'm driving away. Stand behind the exhaust pipe. It'll warm you up. Your truck is running. It's cold. I mean, it's Canada. Stuff like that, but I'm driving away. Stand behind the exhaust pipe. It'll warm you up. Your truck is running. It's cold. I mean, it's Canada, stuff like that. Gary. It just doesn't happen. Said the man seemed down on his luck. His buddies had gone to North Battleford, about 130 kilometers northwest of Saskatoon.

It's time for some new names. North Battleford? Get out of here. We get it. A battle was there, but you tried to cover it up a little bit. North Battlesville. Exactly. And he wanted a ride there.

But Gary said he had to get to his next job and couldn't help. As far as I can tell, this is all happening in the cab. Yeah, this is in the cab. Yes. And he asked again. He's got to go south, and this guy wants to go north. Right. And he asked again.

So the guy asked Gary again. And I said, no south and this guy wants to go north. Right. And he asked again. So the guy asked Gary again. And I said, no, man, I can't do it. That's when the shotgun came out, pointed at me. He says, I'm not asking you again. I'm telling you, you're taking me to North Battleford. Okay. I don't like how

you're saying Battleford. Number one. Number two, Battleford. It's a free country, dude. It's Battleford, bro. By the way, number two, the shotgun came out. Right. A shotgun is big. It sawed off.

Okay, but where does it come out of? He didn't check his waistband. Exactly. All he had to do was check the waistband. But here's the thing. You're telling me this guy is in the predicament we now know. Chunk of his leg missing, throwing it in park. We haven't gotten there yet.

But he's in that predicament all because he legit was like, I'm not here to do a crime. I literally just got to get to this city. That's right. When he literally could have gone up to a bunch of trucks. A bunch. Anybody going north first. Anyone. First off.

Anyone. Who's going north. Right. This fucking guy. So he asked again, says I can't do it. That's when the shotgun came out, pointed at me, says I'm not asking again, I'm telling you, you're taking me to North Battleford.

Gary insisted on driving. I'll drive. You know, he was like, I'll, alright. Because, you know, everyone just knows how to drive a rig. Well, Gary should drive. It's his goddamn truck. Sure. Oh, right, Gary. Sorry. He's like, let me drive.

But remember where we end up. We already know. Of course. He's not driving. Other dummy drives. Gary insisted on driving, but got confused leaving the Flying J. That's my favorite part of this story. Do I go left? This says cars. Yes.

Does that mean... Do I weigh in here? Not a car, yeah. Does that mean you're not a car? What do I weigh in on? This says highway north, but that doesn't... Do I go south? He got confused leaving the Flying J. He doesn't know Saskatoon, and he was spooked by the shotgun leveled at his chest.

That does make sense. They ended up heading north toward Prince Albert before... Okay. Come on. Now I don't know. Now I don't know. Now Dan is doing that on purpose.

Albert, Albert. I think it's Prince Albert. Is it two words? Because if it's two words, I'm with you. Nope. Prince Albert. I think it's Prime Key Albert. He headed north towards Prince Albert.

Thank you. He was catching the mistake, doubling back, and getting onto Highway 16. Just imagine this. Now, man, come on. You're going the wrong way. Turn here. Turn here. Okay, fine.

I have a fucking shotgun. Turn here. Turn here. Turn here. Ah! I'm telling. I'm not asking. I'm telling you.

The man wanted to take... Then the man wanted to take over driving. They argued about it, but he had the shotgun, so he got the wheel. Of course. And naturally, that's how that's going to work. I'm not letting you drive, man. Yes, you are. Okay.

Said Gary. Said Gary. Said Gary. Said Gary. Said Gary. Said Gary. Quote, I know he wasn't much of a driver. I don't know if he's ever driven before because he was all over the road, but he's also going

145, 150 kilometers per hour. Wow. 86. 86 in a big old truck. A big old truck with one hand on the wheel. And another on a gun that he's in. Isn't that a lot of Smorsets on? I got one hand on my wheel. And another one giving a high five. Is that right? Yeah. And another one with a

shot up shotgun. And then, clunk and boom. Wait, when he dropped it, did it go off? No, when he grabbed it by the trigger. Grabbed it by the trigger and then he fucking idiot. The shotgun went off in the cab, Gary said. Well, it was deafening for one thing,

and I could see all the pellets and sparks coming out of the barrel and everything else. And then he started saying, still driving that fast, oh, oh, this isn't good, this isn't good. And I would be like, if I'm Gary, I'd be like, hell no, it ain't, man. Work it out. Work it out.

Or if Gary, you're in charge. You wanted the wheel. You wanted to drive. I told you I should have driven. But if I told you, oh, oh, this isn't good, is a new Britney Spears song, like the follow-up to Oops, I did it again, I'd be like, yeah, that's... Oh, oh, this isn't good.

Oh, oh, this isn't good. They wrestled for the wheel, which I hope means they literally got back into the sleeping area of the cab. No, thumb wrestled. It was an agreed-upon... They wrestled for the wheel and the gear shift, so two rounds. The carjacker trying to cram

it into park. Gary got it into neutral, and they coasted to the side of the highway so two rounds, the carjacker trying to cram it into park. Gary got it into neutral and they coasted to the side of the highway. By now, the man was starting to lose consciousness, muttering the shotgun loose on the floor. The truck rolled to a stop. They were just outside Bourdain, about 50 kilometers

northwest of Saskatoon. France? Bordeaux? They're in Canadian? What? Bordeaux? Bordeaux. They're in Canadian wine country. Yeah, they're in Canadian wine country. Very cold. Yes.

A lot of good Riesling. Who wants frozen grapes? They're right over there. Yeah. You get the wind right off the old lake. Cut to someone tweeting at all of us being like, actually, there's very good wine in Canada? Yeah.

You're making fun of what you drink all the time. Well, let us know. We love to learn. Do you know my wine story? This is my dumbest international wine story. I'll tell it for two seconds. I was on a 22-day trip for my honeymoon, really, the year after we got married down in Chile.

And I was there on day one of a 22-day trip. We went to this unbelievable winery. The pours were ridiculous. I got wasted. And I'm like, we need to bring this wine back and give it to people. And that's going to be our way of saying. And my wife was like, we have 22 days to carry this stuff around. I'm like, I know, but it's really good.

And she's like, okay. Actually, I think you were like, oh, it's really good. It's good, though. It's really good. Six bottles. We bought six. Actually, I think you were like, oh, it's really good. It's good, though. It's really good. Six bottles. We bought six bottles. I gave one to Randy. I gave one to my neighbors.

I gave it to a couple other people. And as I gave each bottle to someone, I said, this is really special. This is from this winery down in Chile, outside of Chile. I told the whole story of the winery. Gave it to them. This is how much I care about you. Two days after we got back, 25 days later, I'm in Trader Joe's. I look to my left, $5.99.

What the fuck? $5.99 for that damn wine that I carried for $22. I think Jay said to me as he handed it to me, you can't get it anywhere. I said, no, no, no. This is like if you want to go to Chile to get another bottle, you can go down there. Or you can go to Trader Joe's on your corner. Or you can go to a supermarket that literally is in every neighborhood in the country now. That has down markets so low that it's embarrassing that I gave it to you at all.

Or you could be one of my favorite townies who love this podcast, and when you finish that story, just cue in the Curb Your Enthusiasm theme music. I mean, literally, it's like I gave all these people a $5 bill and told them how special it is. So he goes to Bourdain. So he goes up to Anthony Bourdain. I would just push this guy out of the truck and leave him there to die. Gary said he jumped out of the truck, raced around the driver's side, and popped open the door. You happy? That's not what you did.

I looked down on the floor, and I could see blood everywhere, and the gun was still laying there, he said. He grabbed the shotgun, went around to the back of the truck, and tossed it into the darkness. Great. Thanks, Gary. What? Thanks truck, and tossed it into the darkness. Great. Thanks, Gare. What? Thanks, Gare. That's for the kids. And it went off three times.

Gare was playing a round of poker. And he goes, I don't know what to do, but I probably have a royal flush. I'm going to go ahead and get rid of these cars. He gets the gun and throws it into the darkness. Into the abyss. Also, let's keep in mind, it's a trigger-happy gun. That thing could have landed and just shot him.

Gary wants to die. I wish the gun could talk as it's being thrown. Whoa, dude, I didn't do shit! But Into the Canadian Darkness, again, one of the best Gordon Lightfoot songs that was never... Into the Canadian darkness.

I wanted to hear all you guys were going to go with. I was thinking sundown. He threw it out into the Canadian darkness because there was still plenty of dark. Some throw the gun over there. This is what it's like. That's Clark Brothers if you want to tell them how fucking cool that was. He grabbed the shotgun Went around through it in the darkness

Then he went back to the driver's side And took a good look at the man slumped behind the wheel All of a sudden it's Sopranos And this is Tony looking at Christopher Take one good goddamn look at him So I grabbed him I wasn't rough with him Which means he was definitely rough with him

Drug him out to the back of the truck And laid him on the ground very nicely. Why did you throw him into the darkness? Here's the thing. I think Gary did do... I think Gary was like, I caressed his body, blood all over my new clothes. I kissed him twice. Yeah, I think Gary did do those things.

I made the sign of the cross on his forehead. Like this. You know what I'm going to say? I know exactly what you're saying. It's like the reverse of the cross on his forehead. Like this. You know what I'm going to say? I know exactly what you're saying. It's like the reverse of Randy Moss. The Randy Moss in Rand University where he's talking about the fight that he was in in high school, and he just glosses over the fact. So I stomped on his neck twice.

And then people got all upset about it. Wait, wait, wait. You stomped on his neck twice? So this is Gary. I cupped his balls twice. I want Gary laying him down nicely and just going. Kissed him gently twice on the ear. And that was it. Ashes to ashes, dust

to dust. Gary said he then retrieved one of the man's shoes and a spare hoodie from the... One. He blew off his own shoe. And a spare hoodie from the truck and laid both of them on the road near him. What does he need? There's an extra hoodie. I'm just going to put it next to you.

Take it or leave it, buddy. You come get it. And then as Gary's giving him the hoodie, he's like, should have just thrown you this out the window at the Flying J. Would have saved a lot of time. Gary's doing that loud talk you do to try and make someone feel better about a bad situation. I'm putting a hoodie next to you, okay? Yeah. Gary goes to get the extra hoodie, comes back, the body's gone.

But the gun is back. The gun is resting up against the back of it. Where the guy was. It's in the hoodie. And all of his road food is gone. The gun is now wearing the hoodie.

Gary does not know how to interpret that at all. That is some fucking true detective shit. The gun is wearing the hoodie and smoking one of the cigarettes. Gary just says, we're in Sarkoza now. What happens in Bourdain stays in Bourdain. Okay. Then, Gary retrieved his cell phone from the man's pocket,

drove across the divided highway, and parked. I guess he left the guy there? Oh, my God. He then put on his flashers and called police. What a nice guy. RCMP have charged the bad guy in this story, his name. They have charged the bad guy in this story, his name, they have charged him, Marty Chamaskis.

C-H-A-M-A-K-E-S-E. Chamaskis. Chamaskis? Yeah. Chamaskis. Chamask. With eight firearm-related offenses, including kidnapping with a firearm, extortion with a firearm, pointing a firearm.

I love that that's a law. And possession for a dangerous purpose. Chmaskis is at a Royal University hospital recovering from injury and under the watch of guards. Gary saved his

life. He did. I would have left him to die. He has been charged, but has not yet appeared in court. He declined a request from CBC News for an interview. That makes sense. That's the only good decision he's made. I know. Declining that interview.

Because he would have definitely gone in on Inuits in a way that we didn't need to hear. I'll tell you who's to blame for this. Oh, yeah. They're the goddamn Inuits. Everyone's like, okay. Goddamn Eskimos. It's their fault, per se. Hey, all right.

All right, man. I would love, though, if this was a TV show and the next episode is the shotgun in a whole other scenario. Same shotgun. It's like three men and a baby. He lays him down at the back of the truck. You just hear, Gary, Gary. Gary turns around.

How did you know my name? He's like, it's me, Marty Chmasky. I'm a shotgun now. He became the shotgun, it's me, Marty Chomansky. I'm a shotgun now. He became the shotgun? It's me, Marty Chomansky. My wife, the shotgun. I remember I scored a hat trick at state. We don't have states.

Let me scratch my trigger a little bit. I remember I scored a hat trick at provincial. You're just losing a lot of blood, shotgun Chomansky. All right, we'll get out of here on this. I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Marty Chomanskis? Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is going to get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. Oh, yeah. Rory, you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, which is second, or third. What order would you like to go? I want to guess second. Okay,, you are a guest. You can go first, TIG, which is second, or third. What order would you like to go? I want to guess second. Okay, so you're TIG-ing it.

Jake, go first. Marty Chmasky's 24 years old. 24 years old. Marty Chmasky. Hey, it's Randy. Marty Chmasky is 31 years old. Okay. Okay, I think he's older.

I think he's 37. 37? I think he's literally on the precipice of the end of his life. Okay. One of you is exactly right. Oh! Oh, my God.

Now we get to play the second game. Who is right? Now, do you want to go first, Tig, or third in that game? I'm going to go. Why is it called? Tig, she was the first person to say she wanted to go second. She was the first person to say, I want to go in between you guys. Okay, Tig. I between you guys. Okay.

Tig. I'll Tig it. Okay. Jason? I'm right. He's 24 years old. He's dumb. He's young.

He's wearing a hoodie. Rory? I mean, I feel like I... You think he's 24? Yes. I'm so confident in that. What did you say? I'm confident in me. I said 31.

I like my answer. I'm confident in me. 37. So everybody's sticking with themselves. Everyone's staying in their own lane. Which must happen a lot. 37. So everybody's betting on themselves. Everyone's staying in their own lane. Which must happen a lot. No.

People abandoned it and then they were right. And then they were right. That's happened too. Okay. Townies, get your one of three answers in right now

because Marty Chomansky, the man who wanted to go north. Just wanted to go north. This is our longest first story ever. I know. Ever. I know. Just wanted to go north. It was a full north. By the way, this is our longest first story ever.

I know. Ever. I know. Just wanted to go north. It was a full story. We might only have one time for one more story. Is 31 years old. Yes!

Yes! Yes! I fucking needed that. I needed this. By the way, I know you're joking, but you're going to come out of here and be like, I know my shit. I just know how to read people. You feel good. You feel deep, and you stay with it.

Immediately, I get in my car. Guy's got a sawed-off shotgun. I live this out. No. And I start by going, look, I know you're 31. Being 31 is tough. All right, guys, that's the first segment. I'm proud of you twice. Proud of forgetting the All right, guys, that's the first segment. I'm proud of you twice.

Proud of forgetting the thing. All right, that's the first segment. Longest first segment we've ever had. We'll just do one more. It's Dumb People Town with Rory Scovel, and it is so fun. We'll be back right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town.

All right, dudes, you ready to read some names of supporters? I'm ready. I really enjoy this every time we do it. We're going to start an offshoot podcast called Name Reading. Name Reading. Name, name, names. We've got names. It's actually a fun bit. It is.

How about Jessica Munson? Can we just start things off with her? Yeah. Jessica Thurman Munson. I like a good, easily pronounceable name. What if she's like, it's Monson, you sons of bitches. It's Monson. No, it's Monson.

All right. Are you ready for this one? Larry B, which could be enough right there. Larry B. It's Larry B. Larry B is like he makes like a purple V-neck sweater that like you never wear with a shirt on. And there's like four or five more syllables left in this name.

But even though I'm going to read his full name, I would only ever call him Larry B. Larry B. up top. Larry B. up top. What's up, Larry B? Larry B. Dupree's the third. That is the best. This guy practices law and never went to law school. That's the guy who sleeps with activator in his hair.

Larry B. Dupree's the third. Open for Al B. Shore. If you're playing pickup basketball with Larry B. Dupree's the third, if you pass him the ball, expect him to shoot even if you're on your side of the court. Kathleen Kahn. Kuhn. K-A-U-N. Kahn.

King of Kahn. King of Kahn. How about Deirdre Whitacombe? Do you know that Whitacombe is like a type of brunch table? Really? I just learned that from my wife. It's like a lower level Whittacombe brunch table. Ryan Rowan.

I've never seen Ryan's phone like that. R-Y-O-N. Ryan Rowan. Ryan Rowan. What if it's R-Y-O-N Rowan? I love it. Thank you, Ryan. Trisha.

Trisha. Thanks, Trisha. Dish. All right, this next one. Bill Zilch. But he's anything but Zilch. This guy, he's got all of it. He's money, Ryan. Trisha. Trisha. Thanks, Trisha. Dish. All right, this next one. Bill Zilch. But he's anything but Zilch. This guy, he's got all the money, dude. He's money, dude.

Jennifer Warren. Love lift us up where we belong. All right, this next dude is someone we've met and hung with in Utah. Rob Faire. Rob, no, Rob Faire. He's a DJ. This guy comes to the show. He DJs so many bat mitzvahs in Salt Lake City.

As like a Mormon, he probably understands more about the Jewish religion than most Jews. Rob Fair, thank you so much for participating. There's a twist on this next name. Do it. You did. You don't see this one very often. Mollybeth Melon. Mollybeth Melon.

A lot of Marybeths. It's a Mollybeth. You don't get a lot of Mollybeths. Mollybeth Melon. MBN. I did Mollybeth. Oh, stop it. Out in the desert.

Molly Beth melon is the part no one eats in the fruit dish. The Molly Beth melon is always left. Or if you put Molly into a melon. Well, it's never cut the right way. You've got to ball it. Dan, I'm giving you this one next because I want to hear how Dan does it. Dan, take a deep breath. It just says Noah on my sheet.

No, Dan, there's a last name on there. Noah Etumeziani. Hey! Noah Etumeziani! You know my brilliant friend. If you don't know how to say it, just add some flair to how you say it. Etumeziani!

Noah Etumeziani. That's actually pretty good. How about Stephanie Mangano? Mangano. Stephanie Mangano and Noah Etumeaziani. Noah Etumaziani. That's actually pretty good. How about Stephanie Mangano? Mangano. Mangano. Stephanie Mangano and Noah Etumaziani are two good friends. We've got a private eye from the 1940s, Nathan Spencer. That's a guy who always wears a trench coat in the summer. How about Kate Bailey?

Kate Bailey. Thank you, Kate. We appreciate you. Last but not least. And Samantha Juarez. Juarez. Oh, baby girl. Thank you so much. She is Juarez. Juarez. Oh, baby girl. Thank you so much.

She is a pillar of the community. Oh, she is. Shout out to you guys. And of course, again, Larry B. Dupree is the third. Could be the name of the lawyer that we were doing. The lawyer that we did before. Yeah. With Tom Segarra.

His name is Ronald T. Justice. Yeah, it is. You shall address me as such. My name is Larry B. Dupreez III. The third. And you shall address me as such. Thank you. Thank you, guys. We love you all.

Let's hop back in. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DBT, Dumb People Town. We were talking before with Rory, before we even started the show. You've got a great show, pen pals. You've got a show on Comedy Central that they're making, that you're in the process of making right now. The process.

The process, and it is called? Robbie. Can you give a little on it, or can you share anything? Southern Church League basketball coach finds out he has a son, and he thinks that son is going to be his ringer ticket to really making a name for himself as a coach in this small Georgia town. Love it. And hopefully it's out

later this year. We'll see. We'll keep tabs on it. We will be on it and go, people can go see you live. MauriceScovel.com. Get on there. Tons of dates. Get at me. And they can find our new podcast, which is just us sitting in a room planning when we're going to podcast next. That's right. It's called Plansburg. Plansburg. Yeah, welcome to Plansburg. Welcome to Plansburg.

Guys, when are we doing the next Plansburg? Can we all get together to do the next Plansburg? Can you do next Thursday, by the way, for Plansburg? I think next Thursday would work for me, but I do have to check. Okay. My catchphrase for the podcast is I have to check with my wife. Dan's out. Dan's always out.

I can't do it. You can't do it. You can't do it. I don't know when we're going to do Plansburg, guys. Dan's out, asterisk, asterisk, Dan's in on every episode. They say it. Dan's out. Dan's out, Gary said.

We should have you two guys join us for a pen pal at some point. I'd love to. We've only had one guest? One guest. That'd be so fun. It's something we do sporadically, but you guys would be really good. The premise is,

for anybody who's Italian out there that doesn't know, Rory and I get letters, and we read your letters back to you. We write you back in audible form. We always say it's your podcast. We just talk about it, and we cover everything.

You guys have covered a lot of cool stuff. Sometimes it's super silly. Sometimes it's pretty dark and heavy. Sometimes it's dark and then gets really silly. But you guys are always truthful. There's a lot of sincerity in our show. Sincere and true place, which I love for both of you. I love that podcast.

And we both get weird, and there's a lot of hashtags. Hashtag grow the show. If you want to jump into it, hashtag Plansburg. Hashtag Plansburg. Hashtag Plansburg. It's going to carry over. Let's go. Okay.

Should we do one more? One more? How quick are these? We got time for one more. Okay. Let's do it. We got time for one more. Okay.

Ready? Yeah. Here we go. Sent in by One Dick Degree of of separation at Delicious Dumper. So this person's got a lot of bits going on. Delicious Dumper is maybe the greatest handle I've ever heard of. Yes. That's a CB handle.

Yeah. That's your driving out there, Delicious Dumper. Gary knows this guy. What's your 20? Yeah. What's your 20? You with the flying J? That's a person who went too deep into overthinking their rap name.

No one thinks it's cool. Double D, bitch. People don't get it. Happy Valley, Oregon. While fleeing from authorities is never a good idea, it's especially a bad idea to leave your car while it's still running. Yep. You're talking about ghost riding the whip.

Whoa, what? Right? Isn't that you open your door- And run alongside your car for a while? Or you go out of the car. Which I do all the time. You stand up. You stand up outside your-

Did you guys ever do the one where you get a stoplight and everybody has to run around the car and then try and get back in? Chinese fire drill? Yes. It's an Asian fire drill. Is that problematic? It's a kind of racist fire drill. Is that problematic? To say Chinese fire drill?

Where does that even come from? I don't know. I don't either. Some of these things, you don't know where they originated and then you're like, why is it called that? Yeah.

Why can't it just be a good old-fashioned fire drill? I only say that because you know exactly what that is or we could have not named it. But whatever it is, it feels wrong.

I know, I know. Sure, sure, sure. It feels wrong. You weren't personally affecting your Sure, sure, sure. It feels wrong. You weren't personally affecting your- Every listener knows where you're coming from. Yeah. And if they don't, come on. If you don't know us by now, there's nothing we can do for you.

If you don't know us by now. Guys, boys to men, we just need a- You will never, ever, ever know me. No, you won't. No, you won't. I'm kidding. We start a group. Let's start booking gigs. Or we're the two guys in the band who keep trying to get our own solo set.

We will, we will. None of them are written in. No. All right, all right. No, all of us leave the actual melody to harmonize. All of us. Like, nobody stays. No, you won't.

No, you won't. I said, you won't. No, you won't go. No, you won't. I said you won't go. No, you won't go. You're bad now. Nobody is staying on here. Cannot get that. You need someone to stay at home so that harmony works. You guys don't have a single.

If anybody wants to, in this room, I want to do a bit on stage. We're a band called The Four Soloists. Just harmonies. The yeah oh my god uh the harmonizers yes i would call ourselves not the four soloists because it has to be more of like a east coast family name we should be four for one one is the. We're all four for one. Four for one. And it's four for one. And they're like, so what is that, like your area code? No.

And we all have, some of us are saying yes, some of us are saying no. Yeah, because we can't. It all is about being an individual. Take this to a festival. Guys, book this. Four for one. Take this to a festival. Guys, book this. 4-4-1.

F-O-R-E. F-O-U-R. 4-4-1. W-O-N? 4-4-1? W-O-N. We have to get through this story. Why is it so long? It does not make sense. Why is it so long? It's false.

Why is it a little bit of golf in there? Because of you. 4-4-1. One car prowler learned that lesson the hard way according to Clackamas County Sheriff's Office. On Monday around 11 p.m., deputies with the Happy Valley Police Department, sounds like a cartoon, responded to a call of a theft in progress on the 11,000 block of S.E. Cedar Way. Jesus Christ.

11,000 blocks? Bad things happen on high numbers, but rich areas always have tree-named streets. So that's a big contradiction there. 11,000 Cedar Way. 11,000 blocks? I live 8,300 blocks away from you in this small town.

This tiny town. I don't know how I'm going to get there. Do you think it was just an ambitious town? It was great. It was like, we got to start high because trust me, we're going to get a lot. Someone was like, I don't know, is Happy Valley too cheesy? And they're like, that's how you keep crime out. Right.

We'll work our way back to W-O-N. Which takes us into our next song, guys. Working our way back to work. Way back to one. They're all covers. They're all shitty covers. Sergeant Brian Jensen with the Clackamas County Sheriff's Office said it appears a woman looked out her window and saw someone trying to break into her car and told her daughter to call 911, which I hope they had an argument about. Yeah.

You call. No, you call. I don't know the number. I just told you it's 911. I'm listening to four for one, mom. We've got to get through this story. The thief went across the street to a neighbor's car, got in, and took a number of items. That's when it's on.

Lock your doors. Yes. Lock your doors. I know it's Oregon, but lock your doors. Our deputies get up there. That's in the 11,300 block of Southeast Cedar Way. And that's a climb. And then they see this black Honda Accord looks kind of out of the area, just doesn't fit.

What is everyone else driving that a Honda Accord is out of? Is everybody just, it's like a Fiat neighborhood? Listen, Black Cars Matter, we've said this a lot. Why is that Honda Accord? It's like the most basic car you see everywhere. Or like a car that's actually pretty reliable. It's a reliable, great car. If you saw a Mitsubishi Eclipse with a giant spoiler on it, I'd be like, that seems a little out of place.

Somebody's got a teenager with an overpaying job. I'd be like, that seems a little out of place. Somebody's got a teenager with an overpaying job. We're not in a Fast and Furious sequel. They noticed a large pile of belongings in the back seat and scattered throughout the car. Our deputy shines a spotlight in it and the driver, who had been

fully reclined, that's the most offensive part of this story to me. Fully reclined in public in your car. Your day is bad. You're too late or too early for something. I think you've been dumped recently. You're sick and you can't drive. This is where you're sleeping.

Right. Taking it all the way back. Fully reclined. Where was I with that? Started driving. Yes. Fully reclined and pops up, sees the cops, and takes off in his vehicle. Oh, yeah. That driver. That's later identified as Isaiah John Gelatly of Vancouver,

led police on a chase that reached speeds of up to 100 miles per hour. That's pushing that accord. Yeah, I mean, that's close to 200 kilometers. Despite spike strips puncturing his tires, the suspect continued to speed away from authorities, blowing through stop signs and crossing into the opposite

lane of traffic. Dude, you just wanted to steal stuff from cars and now you're doing this? Yeah. Now it's become something else. Now that's the Galatly way. But the driver got... He doesn't Galatly into that good night. At Sklar Brothers with a thumbs up. With a thumbs up emoticon.

Thank you. But the driver got stuck behind a business as the deputies closed in. Oh, he in the business. Quote, he decided to go ahead and abandon his vehicle and start running. He then runs parallel to the vehicle and is now unable to outrun the now unoccupied vehicle. So it's just, he didn't put it in park.

And it's gaining and going faster than him running next to it. Right. Which would be fine, but as it approached the building, Galatly tries to cut in front of it, but the car keeps rolling and runs him over. Okay, okay. What kind of optimism is this dude operating with? I don't know. It's like the person who thinks they can get across the train tracks

and faces death. You're like, no, you can't. It's coming. Don't even try. Don't even try. What if I just could get it? No, you can't. You can't.

What if I went around the front of the... No, you can't. This is the guy who not enough people have told him who he really is. I got galatlied. That became the verb. I got galatlied the other day. By that car. Just completely flattened.

But do you think that, like, he... Why cut in front of the car? Yeah. It's, like, building, approaching building. Car is there. I'm going to run in front of this car. Go behind the car. Yeah. You're like, building, approaching building, car is there, I'm gonna run in front of this car. Go behind the car, like stop and go behind the car, because I think he felt

like if I stop it at all, I'm gonna get caught. Right. I'm gonna show you guys video of this. Here we go. Ready? There's video. Here's him running, running, tries to cut in front of car. Running, running, running, and the car runs him over. Oh! And then the car runs him over. And then the car runs him over. And into the building.

And into the building. How? Why? Okay, hold on. Based on that video, I see why he didn't wait. Because the cops were right behind him. But why not climb on the hood or something? Or go left?

Why not go left? Yeah. Nope. Go left. Go left. Go left. Which is what all of America should do. Always go left. Could not go left. Right. Could not go left. Yeah. Nope. Go left. Go left. Go left. Which is what all of America should do. Always go left. Could not go left.

Could not go left? Okay. So they close in. He gets out and runs. He's wearing exactly what I thought he would be wearing. But the car keeps rolling, runs him over, and pins him underneath. Our deputies are right there, Jensen said. They used a car jack to lift the car and rushed Galatly

to the hospital. He suffered a broken leg. He's fine. Yeah, fine. They are laughing at him the whole time. Entire time. He's laughing. I'm like trash talking him the whole time. Oh, 100%. You happy? He's crying in pain. How did it work out? Do you want us to wheel the gurney in front

of the ambulance for you? Yeah. Or do you think that would be a bad idea? Inside the Honda, deputies found a number of items believed to have been stolen. All priced at under $3. Right. Everybody in the neighborhood said, thank you for

cleaning out our cars. Yeah, thank you because my car was dirty with knick-knacks. Tupperware. What did he say? Gentlemen, the things in this car are perfect. I'm going to read them off. I'm going to read them off. Two of them are fake. Can you guess

which two are fake? Did you write in two fake ones? Of course I did. Dan did his work. Okay, Dan. Dan put in that W-E-R-K. A tennis racket. Fake. No. A ping pong paddle.

A Seattle Mariners jacket. Please say a cricket bat. A Texas Instruments calculator. Stop. Designer sunglasses. A bottle of air freshener. And a Schwinn scooter. Wow.

Which two of these are fake? Rory, you want to go first? Take your third. And we're going to get out of here shortly after. All right, I'm going to go first. What do you got? What are the two fakies? I think that if you're operating with a Schwinn scooter,

then I bet you you do have a ping pong paddle, but I bet you don't have a tennis racket. Okay. And because you have those other things, I'm going to say no can of air freshener. And no tennis racket, right? I'm saying no tennis racket, no air freshener. Okay. Randy or Jay? I mean, this is really a study in Dan Van Kirk's mind, because now you have to understand what are the little things that Dan would put in there. This is more about Dan than it is this entire podcast.

This is all about Dan. Ben Jalati. You're talking about the entire podcast. Galatly. Galatly. 100%. And I'm glad you guys realize it. I'll be singing the solos tonight.

Wait a minute. We all will be. As will we. It's four for one. Four for one and none for all. That's right. And none for all is our next album. N-U-N.

We don't have time. We don't have time for this bit. Number four. You sons of bitches. And like the all, which is one. A-W-L. The thing you garden with. That's right.

Okay, so. What is not in the car? Nobody understands the band or the music or the albums. A Seattle Mariners jacket and a ping pong paddle. Okay. I think Dan is, I think it's the tennis racket and the ping pong paddle. I think it's the first two things you mentioned. Okay.

This is near Portland. This is in Oregon? Yeah. I think Seattle Mariners jacket adds up. Two of you got one thing right. Is it the same thing? No. Okay.

So combined, you have them. Okay. Just tell us what it is. Run it down. Texas Instrument Calculator, sunglasses, Schwinn scooter, ping pong paddle, Mariners jacket, tennis racket, and air freshener. The two things that were not actually stolen from the items in this car. Two of the victims have since been reunited with their stolen items,

except for the things they didn't get were the air freshener and the Seattle Mariner's jacket. You did a great job today, Rory. What an idiot said one of the neighbors in the town. What an idiot. What an idiot, said one of the neighbors in the town. What an idiot. It's one of those things that it's hard to have much sympathy for. Who does that and then runs themselves over? He does.

And I'll say this. Galatly. Galatly. You show your kids like old Shirley Temple movies, and they just allowed more crazy stuff to happen in those movies. And so in one of the early Shirley Temple movies, the mother gets hit by a car, gets run over by a car, and she dies, and then the guy's going to take it.

So we were watching another Shirley Temple movie with our kids when they were young, and Georgia asked me, my youngest daughter asked me, does the mom get drived over in this one? Does the Galatly get drived over in this one? Yeah, he does. Every time. You know what?

Two stories, but a very full episode. Rory, obviously, now that you've been to town, we're going to keep him. I love it, man. And we're going to work on the albums.

We're going to work on Plansburg, four for one, all for none. I love it all. Check out Pen Pals. It's an amazing podcast. Go see Rory live

wherever he is. Good luck on just everything that you're doing and I love you so much. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum