Dumb People Town - Rory Scovel - Santa’s Little Helper

Episode Date: April 21, 2020

This week Rory Scovel comes to town to hear about a search for gold that ends in arson. In story 2, a strip club in Portland finds a way to stay in business while social distancing. In story 3 a couple take a motorized shopping cart out for a drink. 

Skypain's out of here. make this so listen to our podcast with co-host our man Dan don't be a jerk cause when the music hits the funny hits we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound

on your downies dumb people town hey townies welcome to another episode in the quarantine of dumb people town population you population Scoville Rory Q. Population U. Population Scoville.

Rory Q. Scoville. Present. How are you, sir? I am so quarred out, you guys. I'm deep in the quar. Deep in the quarry. You're in the quarry. Quarry Scoville. Deep in the quarry Scoville,

you guys. We're gardening now we're baking our own bread tell people I built a horse drawn carriage the other day you're making things happen you're not just gardening

what are you doing for real they're building gardens they're like building garden beds we're building a raised bed garden is it is it to coin a phrase

from Stone Temple Pilots a wicked garden that's exactly right I wanna run through your wicked garden oh okay I didn't even know those were the words wow nobody does he made it up Temple Pilots, A Wicked Garden. I want to run through your wicked garden. I didn't even know those were the words. Nobody does. He made it up. I did not sing

words right there. The world's getting dumber, even in quarantine. We're trying to do smart things, but the world still is dumb. I guess that's the only good thing is dumb is carrying on as business as usual. Yeah, I was about to say dumb is a sweet, sweet currency. Yeah, still, it's the Bitcoin of,

I don't even know what it is. Bitcoin of intellect. Dumb is the Bitcoin of intellect, might have to be a shirt. See, Rory, there you go. And so we're just going to jump into a story with you because we got you right here. A story, let's jump into it.

A story, Scoville. Daniel, you got the stories. Peter Nickel at Peter Dime. P-E-T-E-R-D-I-M-E. If I had a nickel for every time this guy sent in a story. You'd have a Peter Dime. I'd have a Dime. Okay, you ready for this?

Yeah. No bullion. I know, starting with a pun. Coming out strong. New York Post. Jesus. Search for gold nuggets ends with Mattoon men in jail for arson. That is not usually where it starts or ends up.

Look, if we don't find anything, we're going to light this whole damn thing on fire. I can imagine. Have you ever been in a mine before, Rory? No. Okay. No. We have. Caves in South Carolina, don't they? I can imagine Have you ever been in a mine before Rory? No We have Caves in South Carolina don't they? I guess I have been in like You pull over on the highway

It's always in Tennessee Where they got a cave they want to get you in So top to bottom Just deliverance central Check out these stalagmites Nope What's going into my asshole? That's a stalactite I'm just deliverance central. Check out these stalagmites. Nope. What's going into my asshole?

That's a stalag tight. That stalag is too tight. What were you going to say about mine? Jay and I were in a mine outside of Denver. Yes. Mining for gold. For the show, we were mining for gold. And we were like, literally, they're like, go ahead,

chop into the wall and do all that stuff. And so we did pick into the wall and we did and Jay thought he found gold. And I started freaking out. And I was like, wait, we're doing a TV show. We're doing a TV show. And I'm like, but I might be able to just retire in episode four and just not work anymore. Stop doing this TV show.

Wouldn't that be great if Jay got so much richer than me and was just lording it over me and didn't share any of it? And then he pulled it out. He was so excited. He pulled it out and showed it to the people who worked at the mine. They're like, yeah, that's pyrite. That's called fool's gold. It looks like gold, but it's not gold.

So I can imagine if you thought you were, and you dug and you dug and you dug and you dug, you look for it, you look for it, you can find it. I'm a tune man. Then you're going to burn it down. Well, this comes from Shawano County, Wisconsin. Do you want to go look for

some gold? Sure. There we go. From WBAY, which I imagine is Green Bay. Sure. Okay, here we go. A search for gold nuggets ended with the arrest of potential prospectors for arson and other crimes in Shawano. If you know how to say it, it's because I don't live there.

Shawana is the story about a Wisconsin man who tries to play basketball in the WNBA. Shawana is the story of a Wisconsin woman who loves the sea. Who loves gold and wants to be in the NBA. She's trying to return the heart of Te Fiti back to Shawana. Oh my God. You get into some Moana stuff. You got me.

I'm signed up. I'm deep in the Moana soundtrack. You're welcome. All I can say for you is every parent who has seen that movie subdue their kid in a way literally says to themselves on a regular basis the rock

should do some more singing yeah i mean he's on board like nobody else has said that in i start my day i that's my mantra when i meditate and it's how i start the day just go the rock needs to sing more get them on put them on wax well this happened on february 29th at about 4 45 p.m that is a rush hour end of work day crime. What are you guys doing after you guys want to go grab some tequila poppers over TTI Friday after we burn this down? I'll still be happy hour tequila popper. That's an underrated joke tequila poppers at about 445 p.m.

p.m. That day, the Mattoon Fire Department was called to a report of a house fire in the town of Hutchins. Firefighters immediately suspected the fire was set because the house was unoccupied and the power was off. So they figured there's no mistake.

Nobody lives here and there's no electricity. An electrical fire. The County Sheriff's Office, the Wisconsin Department of Criminal Investigation and State Fire Marshal's office were called in to investigate and a canine sniffed out the presence of accelerant.

This is where the case gets interesting. I always love when that's actually in the article. Anybody who's ever lit a fire is like, they'll never know. The evidence burns. It doesn't burn. Like a dog will sniff out. Doesn't it blow your mind? Because you think it would burn, but it doesn't burn.

There's traces. That's why it's such a repeatable mistake, because your instinct is so close to being right. So close. The distance is just between you and jail is what falls into that gap. You get burned by your own hubris. Literally. Yeah, literally. This is where the case gets interesting.

Officers tracked down to Mattoon men identified as Corey, a Welch, T. A. W. Corey B. Well, and Brian, the Wel brothers. And Brian Wendler. The men had been at the property in search of $20,000 in gold nuggets.

That's not a lot of gold. If you describe a guy who's searching for gold, you're like, what's he like? He's a bit of a Wendler. He's a Wendler. He's a Wendler. He'll try and get your gold. More of a Welch.

He's a Welch. He'll Welch on a bet. He'll Wendle some money if he can. He means Swindle. Well, usually, but this case, He's a Welch. He'll Welch on a bet. He'll Wendell some money if he can. He means Wendell? Well, usually, but this case, it's a Wendler. I got Welched by this guy, and he Wendled me. That's how he talks you into it. He goes,

how's it going to pan out with all the money? He goes, hey, it's a win-Wendler. And then they high-fived, and they went in to get it. Wendler. That's how you get Welched. Here at W Windler and Wilch, we believe in burning your problems away. You know our motto,

one more W and we got a website. Here at Windler and Wilch. We only answer the phone on the exhale. Hello. Here at Windler and Wilch, No problem is too big for us to well challenge. Are you behind on your child support payments? So are we call Wendler and Welch, so we know what you're going through, right? We have

one way to fix all your problems. Okay, the men have been at the property in search of twenty thousand000 in gold nuggets that had quote been hidden by the previous owner. Two things. First of all, $20,000 in gold, not that much gold. No,

that is like three bars, like tiny little pieces. Very. Yes. Right. Tiny nuggets. Three. Secondly,

when they said in quotes that it had been hidden there by the previous owner, that tells me that when learn Welch were obviously day drinking, when one of them said obviously day drinking, when one of them said to the other, I got an idea. No better. Can you keep a secret? What have I told you? He's doing his own 30 for 30. What have I told you? There was a goal. You know what I think? I think they were day drinking and then one of them knocked over an old picture and broke the glass and on the back of it was a map. See what this X means.

They were up in the attic. X marks the spot. They were about to lose their home. They were drinking in the attic again. And you know what, though? You're probably right. Somewhere in their lives, there is a foreclosure coming. So you're probably... It's an X. We got to find that money.

We got to get it. Meanwhile, the Fratellis had broken out of jail at the same time. Stop it. Okay, the nuggets, believe it or not, guys, nowhere to be found. Oh, that's just shock. They're in Denver. That's when they use diesel fuel to set the house on fire. What did the house do wrong?

It's this is about them not knowing where to appropriate their anger. They're mad that there's not gold so they're like burn it burn it what for just burn it damn that house for betraying us like it's a weird response so so they would have gotten away with just looking for the goal yes yeah and they could have just left and be like no one find it there's no power yeah there's no instead they were like burn it down or really one of them is so dumb they're like you know how you got to find gold. You got to burn it out.

You got to burn that gold out. Can I just say that that was my first instinct and it felt right? To smoke out the gold? Smoke it out? Hey, it worked in young guns. We're going to smoke them out. We're going to smoke out the gold. We've all seen young guns, right?

So in this case, it was actually the opposite. They wanted to burn the place down to keep evidence. That's right. That's what they said to the cops. We're technically doing the job for you. To preserve it. So, okay, here we go. Where was I?

I love these guys. I know. Welch and Wendler. The investigation also revealed that Welch, this is my favorite part, so they can't find gold. So they use diesel fuel to set the house on fire. This is a quote.

The investigation also revealed that Welch called 911 and reported the fire. Why are you calling 911? It's bigger than us, Wendler. This is not what we wanted. If I call it, they'll think that i'm concerned about it and i don't set it like that's what people think it's like if i'm part of that is the solution behind everyone who murders someone is like let me call it in if i'm part of the solution no one will see me as

part of the problem are you are you about to love cory a welch because you of course listen to this okay here we go here we go the investigation us ory's us ory course listen to this. Okay, here we go. Here we go. The investigation always always thing. Here we go. The investigation also revealed that Corey a Welch called 911 and reported the fire. It was at that point Corey a Welch then went

to the fire department and drove a fire vehicle back to the scene without the consent or authority of the fire department. Dude, they love it when you do that. They love it. Calls it in, decides they're not coming fast enough, goes there, steals a goddamn fire truck to put out the fire he started. By the way, have you been in a fire truck recently? Yes. Okay. It's massive. They are. It is impossible to drive. You have to know how to do it.

My wife's stepfather down in Sanibel Island, Florida was the fire commissioner. We just went into and saw, they are, it's insane. It's like 80 feet tall. It's like there are a million buttons and things to push. You don't know what you're doing. So this guy was like, you know what? They're going to thank me for this later.

They don't know it yet, but they're going to really appreciate what I'm about to do. Here's the thing. I am twisted on this because I feel like all Corey did was point out that this town has a very ineffective fire department. One, they had no response time. And two, you can just steal a truck. Look, look at me. I'm like QC. I'm quality Corey. Quality control.

I'm going to show you how you can be better. This story has no heroes. There's no... No one in this story did the thing right. Except for the house that burned. That's a martyr. It's a martyr. Oh, you guys were shooting a calendar, and you let me take a thing damn you fire department i hope you just kept your shirts back on and do your job you got

to make this right wendler if you won't do it i will and he just ran to the fire department brain yeah forrest gump style like not even also that shows you they were willing to commit this crime what i have to assume like very close to the fire department. Oh, yes. Like maybe three blocks max. Which would be another indictment of the town's infrastructure. So here's my thing, though. If you can smell the smoke in the air, you should be there, fire department.

Imagine having the ignorance to look for $20,000 of gold in the afternoon, combined with the ignorance of burning a house down, combined with the confidence to steal and drive a fire truck. To call it in and to steal and drive a fire truck. That is a martini. You know, I'll tell you who's to blame. Corey's upbringing. Because if he has the confidence to steal a fire truck and the know-how,

he could have been successful at a number of things. That's right. That's right. He could have been a NASCAR dude. Or he just could have been a much better car thief rather than a fucking gold hunter. Or he could have worked for the fire department. That's right. He loves fire.

He probably came so close to passing the test, but didn't. The very next sentence, Corey Welch is a former Mattoon firefighter. He resigned in January. In disgrace. He was honorably discharged. Here's the deal.

Windler didn't want to burn it down. Corey goes, let's burn it down so I can look down. He's like the guy, the cop trying to get his job back by solving a crime. You kidnap my wife and then I'll go get her. I promise nothing's going to happen.

Give me my badge back. And then Corey was probably like, what time is it? 445 Neal's on duty today. They're not coming. I got to go. They're not coming. They're not coming. He's playing cards. I still got my keys to truck seven. Let's do it. Yes, that's exactly what he

said. The criminal complaint adds that Corey A. Welch was quote highly intoxicated when he drove the fire department vehicle. A fire captain said he saw Welch fall down at least how many times while he was wearing a baseball cap instead of a fire helmet. So the captain is saying,

let me tell you how drunk that asshole was. Yep, he fell down this many times and he wouldn't even wear a goddamn helmet. He was wearing a baseball. How many times do you think it was that this guy took note of it and remembered it? Rory, you know you're our guest. You can go first, Tigger third. So choose your spot and then tell me your answer. I just love that this guy saw this Corey fall that many times, get into the truck, still drive off, and he still was just like, all right, let's go get him.

No need to stop him. I'm going to say Corey fell down five times. Five times. Okay. And I honestly, I can't tell if that's embarrassingly low or stupidly high. I honestly don't even know. Jay, what do you think? Eight times.

Okay. I'm going to go low three times, which is still a lot. You see somebody fall over once, you're like, whoops, he tripped. You see somebody fall over twice, you're like, okay, that's a thing. Three times, you're like, this he tripped twice you're like okay that's the thing three times you're like this guy's messed up okay all right after three times you're like well if he still drives the truck we'll get him after he gets going all right so he can't do that much damage in that randy says three jason says a rory says five one of of you is exactly right. All right. Now, Rory, we get to play the game.

Who do you think is exactly right? I think it's either me or Randy. I think eight is so... Honestly, here's the thing. I don't think it's eight, but I so badly want it to be eight. I do, too. It would be great.

Oh, my God. I do, too. It would be great. Oh, my God. I do, too. I'm going to... You know what? I think Randy makes a good point that it's three, but for the sake of this story, I feel like, for some reason, five just feels right. We're already sticking with five, Jason. I don't think he would have brought it up if it wasn't so big.

I'm going to say I'm right at eight. Okay. I think it's me. I think it's three. All right. Look at all of our confidence. We're all a bunch of Corys. We're all a bunch of Corys. We're not even...

We're Corys, not Zeldas. We're not even done with the story, but I will tell you for this fun little midway story one guess that the fire captain said that without wearing a helmet and wearing a baseball cap instead, Corey A a Welch fell down eight times. So we lose.

Roy's dreams do come true. We lose, but we win. Rory, we lose, but we win. I knew I was right. I don't know why in my heart. And by the way, this is that that quiz was a win win. I knew I was right. I don't know why in my heart. And by the way, I think the reason... That quiz was a win-win-ler right there. A win-win-ler.

Well, I think we... The fact that he said he didn't have his helmet on means he fell on his head. You know what I mean? Yeah, there's blood. There's blood for sure. Meanwhile, the captain is maybe 10 yards away going, you good now?

Okay, you're getting back up? Oh, now you're back down, aren't you? You're opening the door. You know, you're standing in a front lawn reaching for a door handle that's not there. You know that, right? He's down again. Oh, you're going to stay. I feel like even the captain's having like a beer on the side watching like everyone's drinking. It's like what's the worst that happen in this case cheese curds and beer. I know it says Welch eventually

confessed to going to the house to steal gold nuggets and and ready for this not just gold nuggets. He confessed to wanting to go there to steal gold nuggets and hood ornaments. What is this American pickers? What is this according to the complaint and Wendler told investigators that

he was drunk and bored so he went along to steal property quote but was not okay with burning the house down yeah that was a waltz theory it's a welch thing wanted to do that yep welch was formerly charged friday with being party to crimes of arson and building building and berg i'm sorry arson of a building and burglary to a building or dwelling. He's also accused of second degree reckless endangering safety for driving that truck impersonating a firefighter. How well was he impersonating? Yeah, he was not doing a good job. And taking and driving the vehicle without consent. Wendler is charged with being partied to the crime of arson. Same thing. In addition, he faces one charge of second degree

reckless endangering and six counts of bail jumping. Not good for him. Nope. The arson. Same thing. In addition, he faces one charge of second degree reckless endangering and six counts of bail jumping. Not good for him. The arson charge carries forty years in prison. Whoa! During one interview, Wendler said that I love this too, and then we'll play a quick run to guess the age during one interview. Wendler said that Corey Welch asked him to take the blame for the fire because Welch has five children and Wendler said that Corey Welch asked him to take the blame for the fire because Welch has five children and Wendler was going to go to prison anyway. Can I just say, I think Corey makes a good point. I mean, look, when we were setting this on fire, I forgot I have five kids. So we got to take when we decided to do any of this.

I totally forgot. I have responsibility. I often forget that I have five kids. When we decided to do any of this, I totally forgot I have responsibilities. I often forget that I have five kids. He thought eight times. By the way, Rory, if you had five kids, that would be all that you talked about all the time. That would be all you could deal with.

You're like, I cannot handle these five kids that I stupidly have. Seriously, I have two kids and we can't even do it. Imagine five kids and they all play different sports. Oh, God. Oh, my God. They're all good at different sports. They're all good, so they got to be there.

Yep. Travel soccer, travel baseball, karate. Volleyball. Volleyball. Oh, the big karate tournaments this weekend. Yeah, the big valley karate. There's going to be one kid that's a sport that the youngest kid takes up

a sport that you hate just to kind of rub salt in the wound. Horseback riding. Oh, great. Equestrian. Wonderful. If you had five kids and they were into any activities, you'd both have to be stay-at-home parents. Yep. We're just drivers.

When you're on the golf course playing golf and you play 18 and then a guy afterwards is like, let's grab some beers after the round and he is just shit-faced. He wants to have dinner too. And then he tells you he has five kids. You're like, oh, of course this is your vacation.

Number one and number two, you don't care about your kids. Or you don't care about your wife or your partner. Or that was your one. It's right. Number one. And number two, you don't care about your kids. Yeah. Or you don't care about your wife or your partner. Yeah. Or that was your one day. Someone, you finish around and someone does all those exact same things and they tell

you they don't have a kid. You're like, you have a real problem. Yeah, exactly. Lori, when I go get some kids, when I finish a round of golf,

the person I'm playing with turns to shake my hand. And in the place of where to shake my hand and in the place of where I was standing is smoke in the shape of my body as I'm running to my car. You're already drinking. Running to my car to go home. To take care of me because I just did eight or five hours of golf. We're home immediately because otherwise you're going to get

yelled at. You got to get out of there. Rory and I got a letter on pen pals from a woman who had 10 kids. Oh my God. 10. We just kept saying that to each other. You just, you say no, ma'am, no. You would never go on a family trip. You couldn't fly 12 people.

You wouldn't, there's nothing that you, honestly, whatever your job is, your job could be anything. You love going to work. Yeah, that's it. It's like living in New York City. Okay. You just love going out. To have 10 kids, you literally have

to sit them all down at some point and be like, here's the deal. I have about 2% of love for each of you. That's all I've got. Some of you, I don't even know where you're at. I'm not going to know you. You're saying that to nine kids

and you don't even know them. Honestly, you're looking at six going to know what you're and you know what you're saying that to nine kids and you don't even know that. Yeah, you're honestly you're all here, right? Six of those kids and you're going I will never support you no matter what. I just got good grades. Go over to the side of the room. If you've got whoever shows promise stand over here, you'll be sitting at my table tonight. There are 13 kids there and you're just like I will never love you and three of them are the neighbor's kids. You're like, here's the deal. Five of you are going to jail. Five of you are going to jail.

And that's just, that's there. And you guys decide because they'll take care of you. You decide. Yeah. 10 kids. Like you look at the oldest kid, probably when they turn 10 and you're like, all right, look, you are the assistant coach and I'm going to get thrown out of a lot of games.

That's it. The chore wheel. You're in charge of the chore wheel. I can't even. You are Dennis Hopper. I am Gene Hackman. Shooter, don't get drunk. Don't get drunk, Shooter. Stay clean.

Stay clean. I'm talking about Hoosiers. I haven't seen it, so stop. Are you serious, Dan? Okay, here we go. This is a big thing on pen and paper. Every single movie that you're like, you haven't seen Young Guns, you haven't seen this,

you haven't seen that. Every single movie that you're like, you haven't seen Young Guns, you haven't seen this, you haven't seen that. Every single movie that we haven't seen that you've wanted us to see is slightly less than you not seeing Hoosiers. I know. Rory's been telling me we were going to watch Hoosiers for eight months. I made him promise that he won't watch it until I can watch him

watch it. You know how you just want to watch people watch a thing to see if they like what you like? Let's do Instagram live. We have to be in the same room. This is post-pandemic. This is PP. This is our pandemic gift to ourselves. Let's take a break. When we come back, we're going to talk about pen pals.

We got to do a quick run to guess the age. Let's guess the age. How old is Corey A. Welch? Our man, our five kids. Drunky McGee fell down. Five kids fell down eight times. Used to work for the fire department. Knows of a house with gold nuggets.

I know of a house with gold nuggets and hood ornaments. And he needs Wendler to take the fall. 29. I think he's 29. Five kids and 29. Yeah, they could be eight falls, five kids, eight times five. He's 40 years old. I'm not going to lie.

That is like good logic. Air tight logic right there. I'm going to say he is. I'm going to say he's 48. 48 years old. That's how old we are. He's our age. Okay.

All right. We'll get out of here on this and we'll move along. I know you guys. 29, 40, 48. Okay. Corey right. We'll get out of here on this and we'll move along. I know you guys- 29, 40, 48. Okay. Corey A. Welch, to wrap up story one, is 34 years old. Oh! 34!

Rory, you'll take it. Edge me by a year. All right. There you go. That's the first story down in the books. I love how we're doing this. We're still getting content out for you guys, trying to do it in the time of the pandemic.

Thank you, Rory Scoville, for joining us. We'll, on the other side of the break, talk about pen pals and all the other stuff you have going on. This is Dumb People Town. Stay with us. Stick around. Make it sound for more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys.

Welcome back to the show. We want to alert everyone and let them know that Randy and I are doing a daily podcast called Scalabro Country, the Virus Edition, a.k.a. The Pandy Pods, a.k.a. Two Guys, One Couch, a.k.a. Two Jews, No Terry Crews, a.k.a. Okay. All right. We're not doing that.

So many titles. Two hombres, one nombre. Anyway, so we're doing that show every day. It's 30 minutes of hopefully joy and fun and us making fun of weird things that are happening in the pandemic and our thoughts and our philosophies. We've never done a daily podcast before,

but it's really growing and it's been great. And we film all of them and they all live on a brand new YouTube page that we've created. So this is super important to us. If you listen to this podcast and you want to say, how do I find a way to support these guys?

Go to our YouTube page, Sklarbro Country. Here's the way to do it. Go to our Instagram, at Sklarbrothers. You hear us say it all the time. And in the bio, it's a little link to the YouTube page. Subscribe to that. If you're like, what is a free way that I can support these guys? If we can jump up our subscribers, it winds up helping us out.

So just do it. Just go to our Instagram, look in the bio, click on that, subscribe, and we're good to go. So Dan has The Good Night Show. If you aren't on board with that already, please subscribe to that. It's a wonderful show. I almost call it The Good Morning Show because I listen to it in the morning. It's the first thing I listen to. The Good Day Show. Instead of reading the news,

it is my... It's called The Good Night Show. And then, of course, pen pals that you do with Rory. Guys, for people who are listening to this show who have never heard Pen Pals before, introduce them. Go ahead, Rory. Hey, Pen Pals. Can I throw a title out for your mini title podcast? Sure, yes, please.

In homage to Car Talk, Sklar Talk. A.K.A. Sklar Talk. Boom. There you go. Why do we not do that? Sklar Talk. Bing. Yeah.

Bing, bang, boom. How do you want to describe Pen Pals, Roar? Pen Pals is a compassionate, humorous, genuine response radio show where Daniel and I receive letters from our listeners asking us questions, telling us stories, really anything. And we just reply on air with compassion and humor to these letters. It's the most interactive. It's so good. It's a great show, and I do love how honest and how truthful you guys are and sincere you are.

But the letters that people send in serve as the source material and the spine of the show. And then they write us back and to follow up. Rory and I helped someone propose. Oh, my God. Someone asked us about their proposal, and we gave them all the points as to why this proposal idea

was not going to pan out the way that they wished. That is so honest and good. I was performing in Cleveland. That dude came up to me. He goes, I ended up not proposing the way you said.

I proposed another way. Anyways, here's an invitation for you and Daniel to come to our wedding. Oh my God. Phenomenal. It's in July. Oh my God. Well, in July. Oh my God.

Well, I don't know if it's happening in July. We're building relationships with the world. You guys are. I mean, it is really how it resonates with people and people have letters for you guys and they want to bring up letter. I remember when junior grand marshals,

it's just great to speak at a wedding that had to get postponed, but we still will. Uh, when that all works, it's like the rolling thunder review, you guys, it really is. It's a real personal touch.

It's a wonderful ride. So if you're, if you're listening to this podcast and you say to yourself, God, I need another one. I want to dig into, we just gave you three. Okay.

You got the good night show. You got pen pals. And then, uh, of course you got, uh, Sklar bro country, the virus,

Sklar talk, Sklar talk. All right. Should we jump into another story? Let's do it. Thanks, Rory. This was sent in by Josh Mout at J-M-O-U-A-T

and if I said it wrong, I'm sorry, buddy. You've said it wrong. You're great. Yeah, I think it's Mout. Okay. Mout. Maybe it's that too. Ready? Portland Strip Club forced to close. So dancers now do delivery. I love it.

I love it. Portland. I love this first four words. Portland finds a way close down her strip clubs and dancers will do delivery. That's what's happening at Lucky Devil Lounge on Powell Boulevard. The club was forced to close with Governor Kate Brown's mandate to stem

the spread of the coronavirus. Of course, you can't have lap dances. Those are essential workers. They got to socially distance in some way. But the order does allow food establishments to offer takeout and delivery. Now, as we all know, because anybody who's been to Portland knows, strip clubs in Portland are not like

strip clubs anywhere else. No, you walk into a bar and there's like stripping in a poker game and some monkeys in a cage. You walk into a pancake house. They're stripping in the corner. That's the thing. A lot of them have very good food. What is Acropolis? Come for the steak bites. Stay for the

steak bites. They're so good. And I've been to Lucky Devil Lounge and I will tell you this. My first year at Bridgestone Comedy, my buddies from Rochelle, Illinois, who live in Portland, were like, do you want to go to that after party

or come somewhere very Portland with us? And I was like, that's rhetorical. Come somewhere very Portland. So they took me to Lucky Devils and they were on Sunday nights. They do stripper oaky where you sing whatever karaoke song you want

and then that's what the girls dance to. This is the greatest thing I've ever heard in my entire life. I've never heard that and that is the best idea. It was so much fun. So I sang Papa Don't Preach. Were you in trouble deep? Yes. It was so much fun.

Was she going to keep the baby? I didn't actually sing it. I think I remember what I sang. I might have sang that from something like Marshall Tucker Band or something. Yeah, Marshall Tucker. Can't you see? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because that's always got a weird line in that song.

I don't need a woman like you hanging around. It's like, what? Hey, wait, that's weird. I'm going out the back door. That sounds like Gordon Lightfoot. All right. It says, and thus, because they could still deliver, Sean Bolden's

newest business is called Boober Eats. Well, here's the deal. Big fan already. You're a big fan of it already. I don't know if I'm a big fan. We talked about this a little bit on our daily pod. Why wouldn't they be called Polemates, right? That's good. Still a big

fan. Call it whatever you want. I love the service, love the product. Polemates is better than Boobareats. Boobareats is a pun. Palmates is like we thought about this. Rory, let me paint a picture for you that may change your mind. Please do because I need to be talked out of trying to get them down here.

Food gets delivered by a topless woman. An exotic delivery person. They come to the door, you look through the bag, they don't have the right salsa you asked for. No. You've had this discussion with food delivery people before.

Can you go back? So now you're having a very logistical conversation with a woman with her shirt off. It's no longer an erotic... And she's like, let me call and see. So now she gets her phone and you're looking over her shoulder and then you're like,

oh, I see a car seat. Like now in her car, I don't want to see that her left light is out. Zero of these things turn me on. Me either. I'm on board still too. I'm on board. Talk me on the ledge.

Yeah, I feel like topless is the best form of logistical conversation. You know, you see the topless maids van in LA all the time. And I'm always like, what is this service? How clean can you get this house? They won't get it that clean. And then if there's a moment where you're like, look, I thank you for being topless. I appreciate what you do.

Can you guys just do the guest toilet one more time? One more time. I breeze through there and I notice it's fine when you take both things up, but when you take only one lid up, I'm literally seeing a little bit of dust between the bottom of your boob and your rib. Let me ask you this.

There's no stripping. They're just walking up with their topless and they're just handing you food. They have to be topless. In the video, they're just scantily clad. No, they're top. I'm looking at it. So it's more like a loose... I think they have to be... I mean, look, I'm not

asking for scantily clad. I need topless. If you're going to bring me some tacos or whatever you're bringing me. So the doorbell rings and you're busy in the other room and you say to your seven-year-old, get the door, please. Opens the door. Topless woman is there.

And she turns around and says, daddy, it's for you. That's not good. Right. Well, then I look at that kid and I go, you just moved up to number one on the list of 10 kids. On the 10 kid depth chart, you're number one. Everyone, all the other nine of you get that hell out of here. Rory, how many, this is from your comedy bit, how many

guys are calling up Lucky Devil Strip Club to order boober eats and their very first question is not about the food, it's what? Can you touch? Yeah. Can we touch the girls? Can we touch the girls? No, you cannot. If you've ever been to a strip club where they let you, this is essentially

the joke, but if you've ever been to a strip club where they let you touch the essentially the joke But if you've ever been to a strip club where they let you touch the girls From that point on the rest of your life You sound like the biggest creep When people are like let's go to a strip club You're like yeah but can we touch them Or let's just go play putt putt Can we touch the girls Or if you say

I know a place where you can touch the girls That's even worse You also sound terrible. Terrible. Yes. Hey, where do you guys want to go to this? I know a place where you can touch the girls. And they'll bring you steak bites.

That also goes for fine art museums. You want to go to the museum? It's free today. I know a place where you can touch the art. Touch the frame? Touch the art. This is the Tiger King. I mean, this is like a roadside zoo.

If you go to a zoo, you can only look at them. So there's them bringing the zoo to you. So while the rest of Portland was hoarding toilet paper and pasta, the owner of Lucky Devil's bought out one local store's entire stock of pasties. So I guess sort of topless. Yeah. but one local stores entire stock of pasties. So I guess sort of topless.

Yeah. From 7 p.m. to 1 a.m. Boober Eats is offering the full menu from Lucky Devil Lounge at the same prices. Delivery rates. How much do you guys think it costs to get Boober Eats delivered? $20 minimum. $20 bucks. $20 delivery fee.

It depends on how long it takes. If it's three songs, it's $60. How many songs are going to be on the porch? And they start the CD when they get there. I mean, if you're in the middle of the song, that counts as a song. Right. That depends. Can we touch the girls when they get here?

No, you cannot, sir. I think it's... And why do you have a southern accent and live in Portland? I relocated when I found out you could touch the girl you cannot that is a reason to relocate i'm just chasing that dragon brother i'm in the witness protection please don't touch me i am in protection you can't touch me but i can touch the girl okay twenty dollars for maury jason i'm gonna say it's like sixty dollars delivery because you're getting i think it's a forty Don't touch me, but I can touch the girls. Okay, $20 for Maury. Jason, the rent.

I'm going to say it's like $60 delivery because you're getting it. I think it's a $40 delivery. Okay, I will tell you guys. Oh, God, I love this. I love that we've all been to strip clubs enough to know that it's got to be in the 20. It's got to be a multiple of 20, and I can't even say that I've been to strip clubs enough. Delivery rates are generally $30. All right, good. But very depending on distance from the lounge. Sure.

If someone wants to give us a couple hundred bucks to go to the coast, we'll do it as long as the girls are taken care of. So we could get boobareets delivered here to somebody in LA. We could pick this coast. We could pick one of our friends. The Oregon coast.

And the food is going to be taste great after a three-hour drive. Yeah, you're going to want to reheat that. Every item of food smells like vagina perfume. And I'll tell you right now, why do these French fries smell like vanilla? And why, when I bite into them, does it not

make a sound? Did you want glitter on your French fries? You got it. I love that we're picturing that the strippers are also making the food. I specifically did not order these tater tots to be bejazzled. Here is the popular. Popular orders

include nothing you want delivered. Chicken fingers, steak bites, and mini corn dogs. Those don't hold up. Steak bites might, but the chicken corn dogs. I think the thing is, you're looking for what's the low-cost food knowing that most of your money is going towards the delivery.

I mean, let's be honest. You're just trying to get the woman there to be like, hey, so do you want to come inside? Do you guys do anything else or what's going on? Do you want to clean? Do you guys clean? Because this place is a mess. Can I ask you to quote unquote set my table?

Want some cocaine? Exactly. The owner also said that all the calls, people are just giddy and fun. Sometimes it's a surprise for someone. Sometimes it's a birthday. Sometimes it's people that are really stoned. And why not?

I love that it's a surprise. If you could send this to one of your friends, like, honey, I think our dinner's here. You get the door? Yeah. Oh my God, I would easily do that. I would do that in a heartbeat. 100%. I would actually do it where it happened maybe like a couple

Fridays in a row at my house just to be like, what is going on? This is weird. I did not order this. Who's doing this to me? And you blame it on all your friends that you don't want to hang out with anymore and then you get your wife mad at that. It's all dancers. Someone keeps sending me this. I don't know.

She's like, why is this on our Amex? Someone keeps sending it to our Amex. It goes deeper than we thought. And they're sending it for what appears to be my cell phone number. Whoa. Someone keeps sending it to my Amex. So what they've done is they've stolen my Amex card,

and they've tapped into an app that allows it to appear that my cell phone number has called this place. They are playing a trick on all of us. Diabolical. It's a good bit. We need to cancel these cards, or we need to try to do the same service with a different card.

Let's just see if it happens again three more weeks. Guys, we've got two choices. Let's see if we can catch them. We can spend two hours trying to cancel these cards or let's just see how these chicken fingers taste. My wife is like, I can't eat another Friday, corn dog Friday. I can't do it. Come on,

corn dog Friday. They should call them horn dogs. Horn Dog Friday. I can't do it. Come on, hon. Corn Dog Friday. CDF, baby. It's CDF. They should call them Horn Dogs. Horn Dog Friday. Whenever I'm at anything and I see that there's a buffet of corn dogs, I'm all in. Yeah. I'm like, get away.

Get ready to get hip checked, old lady. When you see a stick going into there, how do you feel about that? When I see what going in there? A stick in the corn dog. A corn dog stick? A corn dogog. A corndog stick? On a stick? That's fantastic. I do like, though, there's ones that have no stick.

I'll do the stick. I'll do the stick. All dancers. Rory Scovel is on his epitaph. If you guys want to know the title of my next special, I'll do the stick. Rory next special, I'll do the stick. Roy Scoble, I'll do the stick.

All dancers are driven and escorted by a security guard and there is at least one rule that carries over from the strip club to the pandemic. No touching the dancers.

That's right. No touching the food. Well, they just lost a customer. Oh, no. I know one where they can touch. They're providing mask and disposable gloves and sanitizing wipes.

Strippers like hairstylists and tattoo artists, they usually book a space to do their work at a considered independent contractors. That means they typically aren't eligible for unemployment benefits. So kudos to this guy for trying to keep them employed and making money. It all became real when this happens that one of the dancers who goes by the name Olivia, please welcome to the main stage, Olivia. Olivia. Please welcome to the main stage, Olivia Charity. Welcome to the name stage. We've got Olivia on the main stage and we got Daniel Van Kirk over on the side stage. Daniel on the side.

That was our old bit. He's gonna be singing sundown by Gordon Light. We got taggers on the main stage, you fraid he's on the bar, Dominique on the main stage. The owner Bolden said that he has about 80 dancers between Lucky Devil and another club that he owns called Devil's Point. They're all like, hey, what do we do? I said, let me figure something out and this

is my solution. Not a bad one. 25 dancers have started doing boober. Even with the deliveries, many of the dancers boober runs have gone from making several hundred dollars a night to barely making minimum wage. Nobody's getting rich off. This is just helping them. No, this is just maybe break even. Exactly. Maybe.

And they're driving so much more. He said he's trying to employ as many people as possible during the club while the club is shut down. I like it. Kitchen staff are cooking orders. So that answers that. Security guards are getting to keep working by driving dancers to deliveries and bartenders are now working the phones and maintaining social social media it's crazy bolden said we mutated one of our businesses into a totally different style of business you can order boober eats online or by

calling 503-206-735 this guy this guy is pivoting better than the entire u.s government this guy is pivoting better than the entire U.S. government. This guy is pivoting better than Kevin McHale in 1986 on the low post. Get the low post, get the drop step, go straight up to him. This guy just deked out the entire stripping industry. This guy looked at the problem and came up with a solution, and he's still doing it to keep everybody afloat. Everything this guy's doing is positive. Please nominate him for a cabinet poll.

This is the guy who gets to be a mayor. This is who you vote to be mayor, and you go, yeah, suddenly things are great. The mayor's never who you think it needs to be. He figured out a way. Because his priority was helping people who were in unfortunate circumstances. That's right. He figured it out. He knows. And he figured it out.

He didn't go, this is impossible. He said, I know what to do. I want a mayor who's going to say, we can fix the roads through riverboat gambling. Yes. I want a mayor who wants to strip it down to the studs. Strip it down to the studs and then make it happen. There you go. Story two.

Story number two. Can you give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in story number three, Dan? We're going to find a way to do it, but we are going to have an epic game of Guess the Age. I cannot wait. Rory Scovel is with us. Follow him on all things, all platforms at Rory Scovel. That's right.

At Rory Scovel on Twitter, on Instagram. And that's S-C-O-V-E-L, folks. That is correct. So check that out. He's fantastic. And Pen Pals and all those things will be back right after this break for one final segment. Stick around.

Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Go ahead and rate and review this show if you want to. We do. We haven't had that happen in a while. We do appreciate that. That keeps us moving up on the old

chart. We love you guys. We will keep delivering content. We're finding ways to do it in the safest way possible. What we say at the end of our podcast every single time is socially distance but stay connected. And it's felt really good to stay connected to you, Dan. And I know it feels so good to see Rory.

I think about all of our comedy friends who the joy we have of just gagging around at the back of the improv or whenever we see you guys, it's just my favorite thing in the world. So I do miss that in a deep way, but this is fun. And Rory, do you want to tell people about your new project coming up, your podcast?

Can you announce it yet? If not, can you tease it or just tell people? I don't know that we can't because I don't know that we have to do a pilot and then we don't even find out if it goes or not. Possibly in the future, people might be on the lookout for something else you're working on. That's exactly right. But I will say,

and I don't know when this drops. You never know the timing of things. This will drop next Tuesday. That's exactly right. So some people do know when things are and that was Randy. There's a chance my show that I shot for Comedy Central might premiere sometime in early May. And when I get more accurate, confirmed, concrete information,

I'll be blasting that out on my Instagram and Twitter and all that. And I'll be asking every friend I know to promote the hell out of this show. Well, it's a sport. There's some sports elements to it too. That's exactly right. Church League basketball. We will have you on our sports podcast to promote it as it happens.

But we'll shout it to the high heavens because you're family, buddy. Thank you. All right. Rory, we should tell people that if they have a secret, they need to figure out where to go. That's exactly right. And that's all we'll say about that. Okay. All right. Rory, we should tell people that if they have a secret, they need to figure out where to go. That's exactly right.

And that's all we'll say about that. Okay. All right. Ready for the story three? Ready. This was sent in by, believe it or not, Largo at the Coronet. Oh, no way. Yes.

At Largo, Los Angeles. I don't know if this is Flanagan or Jenny. I know, but isn't that wonderful? Oh, my God. I love that these if this is Flanagan or Jenny story. I know, but isn't that wonderful? I love that these guys sent it. Okay. And here's why they sent it. It's perfect. Here's the headline. Largo couple steals motorized shopping cart from Walmart drives it to bar. What? So they must have gotten some sort of alert about a Largo thing in the news or somebody sent it to them. Here we go. Hilarious. Oh my God. Oh wow. I love it. A joy ride in a motorized shopping cart landed a Largo couple behind bars on

Thursday. Security cameras were rolling when Jeffrey Robert Sable and Santa Sable isn't he from NFL films? That was Steve's and ready for his accomplice Santa Marie Walters. Her name is Santa Santa Marie. She is a gift. She sounds like a white wine. Santa Marie Walters, Santa Marie Walters. Her name is Santa. Santa Marie. She is a gift.

She sounds like a white wine. Santa Marie Walters. Santa Marie sounds like where they like. If you said, hey, where's the racetrack here in Southern California? It's in Santa Marie. It's in Santa Marie. Okay. Yeah.

It's Santa Marie. It's not a boat that people are coming over on. It's a grocery. I like the Santa Marie. They stole a motorized shopping cart, just one from Walmart located on Missouri Avenue in Largo. According to an affidavit, the couple was seen driving off the property together on one motorized car. The couple that deals together stays together. What's the max speed on that? Not walking? Three miles an hour. The truth of it is that you start to see someone

on one of those motorized scooters go beyond where all the cars are parked and start heading to the corner. We got a runner. You just got to go get them. Because all you see is the tops of their heads. I'll tell you what. You see them driving away and you

realize they're not supposed to be doing that. You get out a cigarette. You smoke the whole cigarette. It cuts back to them. They're still not out of the parking lot. They're just at the edge of the parking lot. And you're like, alright, throw the cigarette down. I guess we gotta go get them. And then just, here we go.

They stole a motorized shopping cart from Walmart located in Missouri Avenue in Largo. The couple was seen driving off the property and heading west on Rosary Road. News Channel 8 has not obtained the video in question. Oh, my God. Get the video, man. Shortly after the theft was reported, the cart was spotted outside of Jimmy's Sports Bar in Largo, and an officer found the couple at the

bar. Oh no. So look, if she's willing to, cause I'm going to assume this is his idea. This isn't Santa's idea. Yeah. He's,

does he call himself Santa's little helper? Yes. Yes. Yes. He does. So he not only convinced her to steal this thing with him, he also convinced her to go to a sports bar. She's like, I don't give a shit about sports.

I got to see the scores. After denying the theft, the couple admitted to taking the car. I hope that was back-to-back questions. Did you take that car? No, we did not. Are you sure? We did it. Yes, we did.

They were arrested on charges of grand theft. They were both booked in the Pinellas County jail. God. Okay, I'm going to show you guys the photo of both of them and we'll get it up to the camera. Maybe Jay can help me out by taking it up to you. Right? Yep. And then I need you to guess how old

you think Jeffrey is and how old you think Santa is. Santa's ageless. If you are listening to this, Dan will post these pictures on our Facebook page. I can't wait to see her white beard. Okay, and if you are playing along at home, just get it in your mind. If there's any way

you can pause this and look at the photo. We'll describe them. We'll describe them. Okay. Let Rory get it. You got to flip. Yeah, flip it around for Rory. Let him get wonderful. Can you see that? I'll tell you what, not Okay. You got to flip it around for Rory. Wonderful. Can you see that? I'll tell you what not far off from what I was picturing.

Okay. What's your guess for Jeffrey? What is your guess for Santa? Let me explain them before you guess. They're a couple, right? Jeffrey looks like an amateur pro wrestler. Yeah, he looks like Chris Angel mind freak on Jerry Lewis's prednisone.

It looks like he went long enough without a haircut to get a new style, right? He just morphed into a new type of hair constantly grow quote unquote growing it out. He's got a nineteen nineties goatee. He's also parted his hair twice. Yeah, he

barred his hair on the left and then midway through the part parted on the right. The potting on the left And then midway through the part Parted it on the right The parting on the left Is now parting On the right Okay and then I think he's gonna be I think he's gonna be early 30s

Okay And I'm only guessing that because I feel like Cause he doesn't look early 30s Right He looks older but I feel like He's had doesn't look early 30s. Right. He looks older, but I feel like he's had one of those lives where you look older than you are. So you think he's 32, whatever.

I'd say 32. And I think, am I guessing her age too? Santa. Oh yeah, Santa. I'm going to go 50, 50. I'm going to go 50, solid 50. So she has no teeth. That's clearly is.

Or eyebrows. Those are penciled in. Teeth, eyebrows and a forehead that you could show a drive-in She doesn't look as confident about her picture as Jeffrey does. She's a little like we shouldn't have done this.

But she has great he has the deepest bags like he has the kind of bags that Santa would carry around under his eyes. He's getting charged on Delta. Exactly. Absolutely. Those are not carry carry around. He's getting charged on Delta. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely.

Those are not carry on. She's got great skin, good skin for Santa, right? She does have very good, but she's got the chin that's jutting out. That tells me that she has, well,

she hasn't had to walk a day in her life. You know what I mean? She has a natural Santa. Yeah. Bring me a gift. She, to me, she has the regret of somebody who wishes

they would have denied the theft one more time. Mrs. Santa, drive me a lark. I think this woman is... How old do you think the guy is? I think he's about 35. I like that guess a lot. I think she's 30. Okay.

And she just looks terrible. Yeah. So I'm kind of of Jay's mindset. I think he's 42. Okay. And I think she's 29. I know that's going to sound crazy, but she's definitely chewed a hole in her cheek. Okay.

All right. We will get out of here on this. Because Jeffrey Robert Sable and Santa. And Santa Marie Walters. To review one more time, Randy says that she is how old? I think she's 29 and he's 42. Okay. So a 13-year span. And Jason?

He's 35 and she's 30. And Rory said he's 32. 32, 50. 32, 50. 18 years. Okay. I am going to read the order of ages by Jeff Jeffrey and then Santa. Okay, and the ages of these two is going to blow us

away free and then Santa is fifty and thirty two. You had it backwards and exactly right. So where are you at it exactly right backwards backwards so we were right in theory yes he is that man is 50 and she looks great she looks terrible i gotta tell you what she is a terrible 32 he's a phenomenal go steal another thing man you got both the numbers right. That's that sports bar living. No, this is the kind of, this is how you look when you get no flack from someone your whole life. Yes.

He's like, we're stealing this babe. And she's like, I guess so. I'm going to regret it, but just whatever. Yeah. He's got, he's, he's a good looking 50. He's got such a carefree. Babe, we're going to steal this car. We're going to head over to Jimmy's.

And if you play your cards right, Christmas is going to come again. That's right. And then they both just high five like they're bros. I got a little Rudolph in my pants. Something's lighting up. Tom, I guide your sleigh. All right, that's it. Amazing.

There you go. What a great story. Please look that up. It'll be on the Dumb People Town Facebook page. Join the Facebook page if you're not there. Lots of good stuff and information on that lets you know when things are happening. Once again, we gave you instructions.

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