Dumb People Town - Roy Wood Jr. - Sponge Bath In A Gas Station

Episode Date: June 22, 2021

This week Roy Wood Jr. comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about the best hiking outfit. The second story gives us the greatest surprise you could ever find under the rug. The final story is all about sweet, SWEET justice.

Skypains Avenue Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down. It's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Wood. Roy Wood Jr., welcome to Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Wood.

Roy Wood Jr., welcome to Dumb People Town. How are you, sir? How you doing, buddy? Well, hello. How the fuck are you, gents? We are good, man. It's so good. It's been a minute.

You did our sports podcast. This is the great Daniel Van Kirk. And we like to explore on this show the fact that the world is getting dumber and we really firmly believe that. I don't know if you believe that, but we really believe that. Yeah, not only dumber,

but I also think that the world is enjoying not knowing anything. Yeah. I think there's bliss. It's, who was Joe Pansoliano's character in The Matrix? Was it A- the matrix was it oh yeah cypher yeah hyper yeah it's it's it's the scene where he bites into the steak i know this steak isn't real but god damn it it's delicious that's right yeah he doesn't care he doesn't care doesn't care

insert tide pod insert yeah that could be a Tide Pod today. And that's just the way it goes. And that is this wonderful well from which we pull these stories. And they're just dumb stories that happen in this world. Our awesome fans send them in. Best way to do it is just tweet at Daniel Van Kirk with a link of the story. Hashtag Dumb People Town. He can put it in order.

We have Roy Wood here. We're going to talk about all the stuff he has going on in the top top of the next segment but let's jump into a story and break it down you want to do that roy let's do it let's do it okay sent in by josh mount at j mount m-o-u-a-t thank you uh you can send me stories just by going to twitter at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town i saw this story roy and I thought it was perfect for you because of a story you told on our mutual friends podcast, the crab feast back in the day with Jay Larson and Ryan Sickler. So I knew that you would identify with this.

Jesse Larios went on an epic California hike in a bear suit. So dumb. Roy, was it a Shoney's, Roy, with the bear suit so dumb roy was it a shonies roy with the bear suit shonies shoney bear the shoney bear costume tuesday's kids eat free uh-huh and i was the shoney bear who would go walked around the fucking dining room handing out lollipops and balloons oh my god four year old how many kids kicked you in the nuts that's just my question and surprisingly this is the shonies on the black side of town with the edge of the black side of town okay um so it was it was the black show it was there were enough black customers

what what do you wear those oh i was gonna say didn't what didn't one of the shoney bears get hit by a car in the parking lot trying to wave people? Yeah, that was me. Yeah, I got hit by a car in a parking lot because there's no blind spot. There's no peripheral in the Shoney Bear costume. The eyes are sitting like seven to eight inches off of your face. Right. So you can only see straight ahead. That's all you got.

And, you know, we're in this newer age of, you know, quiet engines. And then also, well, this is 2000. This is 99-ish. 98, 99. And got sideswiped into the air. That was time one. Time two, the other thing they don't tell you about those little mascot costumes. I don't know if you ever noticed with mascots.

None of them are over six feet. Trad 10 or less right okay they generally make the mascot costumes in that 5 7 to 5 10 range i'm 6 2 yeah so the motherfucking arms on the motherfucking costume didn't come down to my motherfucking gloves. You had a little gap. You had a gap. Yeah, a little gap. And kids would just whisper as I'm handing out balloons or whatever to them. You would just hear one kid whisper to the other one, I told you Shoney Bear was black. Look at his arm.

A full dialogue has happened, apparently, before I've gotten to the table. And now this girl has been vindicated that Shoney Bear is indeed a black man. That's right. Oh, that's awesome. So wait, when you got hit with the car where they're like, just stop. Hey, man, brakes not now. You're like lying on the ground.

Let's go. We got to walk through the showroom and give out lollipops. Yeah, it wasn't terrible. You spend the first hour in the Shoney Bear costume during the slow hour from five to six waving at traffic. Then you come in and work the room. Oh, God. Like, you're kind of clocking. Essentially what you're doing, you're clocking how many tables get set while you're outside.

Right. So if you see four or five families go in, you give it 15 minutes for them to get to the table and get set. There's a method. You go in there, do a lap around. Yep. And then you go back outside. Right. To wrangle oh my god you know dude that's a lot of work that's like harder than headlining for an hour that's harder than mascot actual mascot four hours in tallahassee florida in the heat with a bitch-ass fan that ran on two double a batteries

inside the head no of the No, that's too much. When you applied for the job at Shoney's, did you know that's the job you were getting, or did you apply for a job at Shoney's, and then when your first day there, No, bitch, I was a server, but on Tuesdays, I just got sucked into it. Yep.

Because there was a cook that did it, and he got fired, so then, hey, next man up. I love that Shoney's has a next man up policy. It's like Shoney's is like the Alabama Crimson Tide. Next man up. You get hit by a Buick, we need the new Shoney Bear. Next man up. Who's up?

We recruited you. It's like, what was it, Blackhawk Down? Yeah. Where one guy's on the 50 cow and he gets hit. Yeah. And then the guy's like, somebody else get on the 50. Get on it. Get on the 50. This is life or death

Drag his ass out of that costume And get in it We need you on that line It was bad A bear costume is next level In Florida too Oh Jesus Jesse Larios went on an epic California hike It was bad. Oh, God. A bear costume is next level. In Florida, too. How do you not have a stroke? Oh, Jesus.

So this guy went on a hike. Jesse Larios went on an epic California hike in a bear suit. Jesus. His trek began at 6 a.m. on April 12th in the little Tokyo neighborhood of Los Angeles. His goal was to finish the walk in less than a week, he wrote on Instagram. It took him a little longer than planned. He got shot. But he celebrated his finish with a crowd of people as he reached his final destination on Instagram. It took him a little longer than planned. He got shot. He celebrated his finish

with a crowd of people as he reached his final destination on Saturday. I'm going to show you guys a picture of him in this. I don't know what the Shoney Bear looks like. It might be similar or not. I don't. I want you to guess how far you think he hiked in this bear suit. I'm going to show it to you right now. Oh my

God, that is a Japanese bear. That is the cutest thing ever. A lot of headway to you right now. Oh, my God. That is a Japanese bear. That is the cutest thing ever. It's a lot of head weight. That's like a heat dome. Yes. Because it doesn't look like it has one of those built-in harnesses to help hold up the head. Oh, my God.

That's a lot of head weight. It's got red cheeks like it's embarrassed. That's like a Pusheen. Usually, the eyes are mesh, so you can get a little bit of a breeze. Where do you think he's seeing out of? Out of the neck. Out of the neck. Or the nose. The nose. The nose and the eyes? Yeah, it's of a breeze. Where do you think he's seeing out of? Out of the neck. Out of the neck. Or the nose.

The nose. The nose and the eyes? Yeah, it's got a nose. All I know is this is like... And so Little Tokyo. So this is probably right by the Japan, the Tokyo Museum, which is like actually...

Yeah, he started in Little Tokyo. How far do you think he hiked in this bear suit? Roy, what do you think? One week? No, it's like... Yeah, how many... That's what his goal is, to hike for a week.

How many miles? How do you... Roy, what do you think? miles a week how do you roy what do you think in a week yeah yeah i'm trying to think of the math you know per day you could probably hike we're talking mountains what's the time i think he's stuck to the five stuck to the five freeway all right then you can knock down 15 in a day if you're just walking 15 mile a mile every 15 minutes four miles an hour um let's say you go for 10 hours that's 40 miles let's cut it because he's in a fucking bear suit so it's not down to 27 miles good math 27 times five days. I'm going to go with 86 miles.

Okay. Jay, what do you think? Yeah, I think he made it to like Santa Barbara. Like maybe 100 miles. Okay. I think 62 miles. He hiked 480 miles. Oh, my God.

In this bear suit in his trek from Little Tokyo to the Golden Gate Bridge. To San Francisco. To then jump off to his death. Why in the world? I don't know. Now, why did he do this again? Yeah, that's what we're raising awareness for the thing and the cause. Yeah, he says as part of his journey, he raised money on GoFundMe and Venmo via cast donations.

For him. Anybody want to take a stab at how much money he raised yeah uh two thousand dollars two thousand i think he raised ten thousand dollars 10k roy what do you think no people like all that walking shit they do 150 150k 150k he raised 18 000 still pretty good Wow. Still pretty good. That's amazing. Very low for Roy's expectations of him, but he's still good. He plans to donate it all to charity and ask followers to suggest where the money should go. Don't ever open it up to the forum. You just say where it's going. How many of your moms did he get?

We're going to get so many things. I have a mean question. Sure. Ask away. Anything. Please. In our pursuit for celebrity, how does walking still get

all of this credit? Right. It's what we all do. In terms of the physical feats that people do to raise money for the thing, why does walking... I guess adding the bear suit... And that bear suit

is comically goofy, so no wonder he didn't get shot. I would respect him more if it was full grizzly. Full grizzly, like he could have literally looked like a baby bear. Like he could have been brought back into the woods in Yosemite and you never see that guy ever again. There you go.

Where a real grizzly goes, hey, motherfucker, this is my hood. I challenge you to a grizzly fight. Right. Get up on your hind legs and let's go. He's already on his hind legs. If he wanted to survive in Yosemite and possibly fight bears, I would donate to that

endeavor. That adds a level of difficulty. in yosemite and possibly fight bears i would donate to that endeavor would you do that you would that that adds a level of this is what roy is talking about like add something to it don't just walk it off i respect it but i just don't think it gets the same level of holy shit it it like there's the lady who the people who swim the english channel yes i'm swimming from cuba to miami and jellyfish to raise money why doesn't that get the same i agree to me that's more amazing than a bear outfit and you're stopping for did he hunt along the way that would be stopping hotels and shit or sleep in an RV. Well, it does say. So according to the newspaper, Jesse Larios, a data worker at a health care company, made the journey carrying just his phone, a few toiletries, socks, and a flashlight,

which I want to tell him is on the phone. That's right. He also carried. Yeah, you could have brought something else. I mean, your phone. I have to break this to you. You had two flashlights the whole time. So he brought socks, two flashlights.

He also carried some cleaning supplies for his costume, a teddy bear character he created and named Bear Son, because a big part of this story that they wanted you to know is he also described the stench of his costume. I imagine every mascot costume smells horrible. So our friend Eric Friedman was at a bar

mitzvah when he was a kid in Cherry Hill, New Jersey, which is the Jersey side of Philly and the Philly fanatic was there and he did the one thing you're not supposed to do as a mascot. He took off the mascot. He got hot and he was like I'm not at a Phillies event so I'm taking the head off and our friend

smelled it and said it smelled like Doritos vodka and he said broken dreams. Doritos and vodka though for sure. Well get ready to lose your Did the Shoney Bear costume smell? That could not have smelled good. Not as bad as that. Yeah. Right. But you're also rocking the shoney bear costume smell that could not have smelled good not as bad as that yeah right

i mean but you're also rocking the shoney bear costume essentially from 5 p.m through dinner rush so that's three hours every week yeah the philly fanatic you're putting that that shit puts in work from pre-game all the way through 81 games plus the charity events going to see the kids how do you wash it how that's not it doesn't you can't dry clean that how do you you know a lot of febreze right febreze and maybe send it through like the car wash you can't do that i don't know uh so he brought supplies for his costume a teddy bear character take him to a groomer you could take that thing to a groomer if you brought if you brought if you brought take it to a high end upholstery cleaner, I think that's your best bet

with something like that. After completing his journey, he described the smell inside the costume as pungent. Listen to this. You two quote. It's like when you first open a bag of Doritos. That's what we said. That is wild

crazy. It must exactly smell like Doritos. Yeah, that's what your frienditos. That's what we said. That is wild. Crazy, right? It must exactly smell like Doritos. Yeah, that's what Eric said. That's what our friend said. And that's what this guy said. It's amazing. He said, like, when you first open a bag of Doritos and that fart smell comes out, which I did not ever associate with Doritos in my life.

No, Doritos are great. That fart smell. I know. When I'm back home and I see all my friends from Illinois once a year, we go up to Wisconsin. That's the only time

every year that I eat Doritos. Oh, my God. And they're so good. My daughter just had her 16th birthday. I'm like, you want me to get Doritos? She's like,

oh, yeah, thank you for remembering. I was like, they're for me. They're not for you. I'm at the party too. So I can tolerate these people. I'm at the party too.

Cool Ranch or regular? Regular. And I double fist it. I go deep into the too. So I can tolerate these people. I'm at the party too. Cool Ranch or regular? Regular. And I double fist it. I like go deep into the bowl and then it comes down and they're like, where are all the Doritos? I'm like, they're here.

Crunch, crunch. I just had our family reunion back in Rochelle, Illinois. And three different people brought Doritos. Taco salad, which is just Doritos, ground meat,

lettuce, tomato, cheese. I love that. And salsa. By the way, I love just Doritos ground meat, lettuce, tomato, cheese. That's it. I love that salsa. By the way, I love that. By the way, I would eat that in a so bad to me is like a wonderful. It was so good. Okay. According to Lars's Instagram, he attended to camp outdoors throughout

his walk. He told the Chronicle San Francisco. If you're nasty, he managed to stick to that, refusing the offer of a night in a best Western where he had stopped to shower. I didn't know that was an option. Can you just shower to best western? Well, maybe he got the room just to shower and then didn't want to stay there, but they said they offered him a room. I had no idea. He only took two other showers during the walk, both at truck stops as well as sponge baths. I would never

shower to truck stop. Also, just imagine walking into a truck stop dressed in that shower. A truck stop. Also, just imagine walking into a truck stop dressed in that. Showering at a truck stop is like sleeping over at Jerry Sandusky's house. There's no way I'm doing that. I don't know. It depends on the truck stop. The Flying J is a pretty trusted national brand. Flying J.

Petro. Petro's not bad. That was my truck stop of choice as a road come. Flying J. Would you shower at one? It says it all. But you all have to remember, I went to public pools as a child. Same. So did we.

We went to public pools. So then you know it's the same. It's the same risk. I say a truck stop shower is better than no shower. It's at least better than not doing it. Yeah, a truck stop shower is better than no shower. It's at least better than not doing it. Yeah, a truck stop shower is better than no shower. That's right. As long as you can avoid the knives.

All right, so this guy. But if you walk into a truck stop wearing this costume. They're like, we're being robbed by a cartoon. Number one. Or you're essentially saying, this is like when a senator taps under the stall. Like, are we ready? Are we going? That other furries in the area are like,

we're doing this, right? Sure. They think you escaped a convention. Right. If you come walking into a truck stop. You might get jumped by someone else in another animal costume. Right. So he only took two other showers during the walk,

both at truck stops, as well as sponge baths in gas stations when he got the chance. That's too far. Sponge bath in a gas station. I mean, would y'all rather him be funky? No, no. No, I want him to do it, but that is a rough game. And I guess it is California,

so it's not like there's a lot of lakes. You can just kind of like, if he was doing this across Minnesota, there'd be like many lakes that you could just jump into the lake and you'd feel better. He said he never slept for more than four hours at a time, stopping for rest by the side of the road at the end of each day, he told the chronicle that a police officer once woke him up as he rested near an off ramp on Interstate five,

and I have the photo of this cop rolling up on him. It it looks like it's from some sort of West Anderson movie that's never come out yet. Here I'm going to bring it up. We'll look at this. What are you doing? You know this. What are you doing? What are you doing? You lost, buddy? You go very calm tone. You see that?

You lost, buddy? How long until the ecstasy comes off, bud? Right. Hey, man. You looking for your friends? You look like it's just a rave. Where's the rave? Are you looking for the kids party?

Like you're so far from an exit right now, bro. Look at that. But I mean, that to me, it could be an award winning photo. Right, right. There's a famous photo, Roy. I don't know if you've ever seen it, of the Hoover Dam in 1970, like two or something like that. And it's like a family looking over the Hoover Dam and like the touristy part. And then behind them is like a playpen with a baby in it.

Like they brought the playpen and just dropped their baby in so that they could look over the Hoover Dam. That to me, this feels like that. This could be that. This could be that. Lario spent Saturday visiting some of San Francisco's landmarks, posing for pictures, and a scoop of butter pecan ice cream at Ben and Jerry's.

By the way, which by the way is not a San Francisco tree. No, it's a Vermont tree that you're just we'll get out of here. This just for fun. Think of somebody who's going to wear a bear costume, walk from Little Tokyo all the way to San Francisco. Besides Roy Wood Jr. How old do you think Jesse Larios is? And we'll get out of story one with that.

Roy, what do you think? What's your guess? What's the age of a man? It's a young man's game. Let's be honest. Young man or crazy man's game. It's got to be 32, 33. Old enough to have already tried traditional paths of normal behavior.

Yep. And that's just, okay. All right. We're going to give you 32. 33. Okay. Jay, what do you think i'm gonna say 24 24 i think he's like 21 21 yep one of you is exactly right okay so now we get to play

the game who do you think is right roy do you think it's you or one of their answers of course it's me okay yeah i think it's me 24 god roy's, I think it's me. It's got to be me. 24. God, Roy's confidence is intoxicating. Well, no, no. You know what? Only a millennial would just go walking with no purpose. Millennial, zillennial, whatever the fuck. Only somebody in their early 20s. Gen Z.

Would just go fuck off responsibility. I'm just going to walk to care about people. Right. 21. Yeah, I'm going to stay with me. You're going to stay with me. I'm'm gonna stay with me you're staying with me okay jesse larios to wrap up story number one is 33 years old you had it you had it no faith in myself over thought it your confidence was what he didn't do. You overthought it. You actually gave some thought to this scenario. See, 21 is like, you know

what I'm going to do? And then 33 is like, you know, I've always wanted to do something with my life. I better do it. And you're still super young. I better do it. All right, there you go. First story down in the books. When we come back, we're going to find out what Roy Wood Jr. is up to, and we'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Roy Wood with us. We do. He's got a great podcast.

Tell them what the podcast is so these awesome people can jump on board. Job fair. It's Roy's job fair bro it's literally we have people share uh worse jobs scams that they've seen run on their job but more importantly it's a place for where you know small business owners and corporations if they're hiring to talk to us about their companies and you know give us info and insight on the jobs that they have available. So it's kind of the way I put it is that, you know,

if you love your boss or looking for a new boss or hate your boss, like this is the podcast to do one of those three things to get one of those three itches scratched. That's all. And that's all people think about. I love it. Yeah. I mean,

really, man, when you really think about it bro like from a deeper relationship standpoint and the desire to love and be loved and then second to that is the desire to provide so regardless of who the fuck you are and what you believe you got to figure out a way every day how to get some money to get some food that is it that is it so everybody can relate it's the most relatable thing ever yeah i mean and i know with my daily show this is something i'm starting

to notice that i have to kind of navigate against um when i'm not on the daily show it's just oh yeah it's not political like we just talk shit about old job like we had a guy call in his manager and the cashier were always fucking in the deep freezer at a long john silvers and then the next person we talked to was like yeah here's how you get jobs in silicon valley without any formal training yeah it's great i'm gonna I'm going to call in. So we're helping people. Yeah, I'm just going to call in to talk about when I accidentally become a grave became a grave digger and then my boss was a third degree black belt in Taekwondo and kept

practicing moves on me at lunch every day and my karate people love just try to hit me. Yeah, no, they do try to hit me. His name was John Loggins and he would always be like, all right, when you finish that sandwich, come at me. Come at me.

And then I'd walk. I'd be like, I don't want to come at you. He's like, just come at me, but put your left hand like you're trying to hit the top of my head and then put your right hand pointed at my hip. And I'm like, how I never would. How I would never do this.

Are we dancing? And then we'd get done with lunch and listening to Dr. Laura, his choice, before I had to go back outside and weed whacker around my grandpa's grave. It was great. It was great. Dan, you've had some jobs. Dan has had some jobs. I used to be a federal agent.

Here we go. One, two seconds. We should tell people. But also, he's taping a special. Oh, yeah. That's right. You got dates that are on your website. Tell the people the site so they can check it out. Yeah, roydwoodjr.com is the website. you also if you're in denver come out and holler at me we will be taping my new hour special imperfect messenger nice which will premiere on comedy central a

little later on this year that's awesome where are you recording in denver are you allowed to say i i don't know some fucking theater i i don't know i like Denver i have a good time there also i figured it would be great a place that looks good without if there were covet restrictions we could still trick you and make you think it's full that's right amen i will come check that out great Sklar's people should need to go see you moon tower coming up fast moon tower comedy festival harbor in october yep and then uh we have a Patreon page, Skly Brothers. You look us up on Patreon, and we're going to be doing Cheap Seats episodes just for you. Extra content from our view from the Cheap Seat shows, plus a little extra stuff there.

Join it. Five bucks a month. Super fun. Heck yeah. And then as far as I go, I just announced all my dates. Well, not all, but 38 of about 50 or so dates. Go to danielvancurk.com starting August 11th in Chicago, Illinois and ending on November 19th in my hometown of Rochelle, Illinois.

Pretty much everywhere in between. Dan's doing 50 dates in 25 days. That's it. It'll be great, man. I love it. All right, let's jump into the second story, shall we? Are you ready? Sent in by Buckley Wilkinson at Soup Theorist. Buckley Wilkinson to me sounds like the villain

in a kid's movie in 1983. For sure. Buckley Wilkinson? Yeah, Buckley Wilkinson to me sounds like the villain in a kid's movie in 1983. For sure. Buckley Wilkinson? Yeah, Buckley Wilkinson. He's the bully. He's been terrorizing me. His dad's the basketball coach. Alright, here's the headline. Ready? California man discovers giant strip Monopoly game board hidden

under carpet. What? Yes. Why is it under the carpet? You pull it. He pulled out the carpet. What's under. Why is it under the carpet? So the car, you pull, honey, what's under these cars? Are there wood floors under here?

He found a strip monopoly game board, the size of the room on the floor. That is not something you list on Redfin. Why not? That's a selling point. A strip monopoly? That's 1930s house was hiding, hiding a pretty scandalous secret.

When Nyland Newell pulled up the carpeting in his first floor bedroom, he realized that he'd spent four years sleeping on top of a gigantic Monopoly board. Does it change your room for you? I mean, Roy, you find out, okay, there's this giant strip Monopoly. Does it make it

better? Do you sleep easier or worse, knowing what must have gone on. Take your clothes off easier. What must have happened in Park Place, so to speak. You need to be finding out who the previous owner was because clearly they freaky as hell. That's right. Might have been one of them old Hollywood sex houses.

That's exactly what I was thinking. Just the definition of a community chest. Who gets to be the Illuminati sex party? That's right, community chess. I want to be the battleship. You are, honey. Jason called this joke the next line in this. But instead of community chess,

this version of Monopoly featured silhouettes of naked women. It was some sort of risque party game, Newell told the news, like strip Monopoly. I'm going to show you guys a picture strip opoly. Yes. So when he pulled it up, this is what he saw. Everything is pretty much the same and the artworks like you

could tell it's like hand on, but then you'll see these naked silhouettes of women. So I don't know if somebody landed on that spot. If they got to take something off. Yeah. Oh yeah, definitely. Oh, but everything else is on there

like the chance railroads go to jail. I mean, going to jail is another thing. That's that's a guy who's in a dominatrix scenario down in the corner. It's wild. Wow. Newell moved into the yeah, he moved into the quote really cool old bungalow house in Fresno, California

in 2003. He discovered the game board about three years ago while renovating the house with his then wife. We're going to get to that. Okay. He got a little too into the game. No, no.

He wanted to play it and she's like, uh-uh. Right. He's like, I wish I never would have taken these carpets out. He managed to contact the previous owner, but never quite figured out the rules of this adult only version of Monopoly. He's obsessed now. Wait, obsessed dan he's like jim carey in room 23 or whatever like he's obsessed with what goes on here he contacted the owner and still didn't know the rules the previous owner i think he wanted to know the rules of

this adult only version roy was like you gotta find out who lived in this house before you he did it all he cared about was is there a manual that's all he cared all he wants to know yes make your own just make your own rules yes thank you newell wanted to invite people over for game night oh that would be great make sure you have comfortable clothes that come off easily and i'll see you at game night at my house yeah it'll be fun yeah he managed to contact the previous owner but he wanted to create life-size paper mache game pieces, but his dreams were cut short by his partner. He said he only played one game on the board using Monopoly's traditional rules,

which I'm sure hurt his feelings, before his former wife made him paint it over. I would not have gotten rid of this. He got rid of the wife? Made him paint over the entire thing? Yes. That's not cool. Why? He made him paint over the entire thing? Yes. That's not cool. Why?

She wanted a classic look, Newell said. That's probably why we divorced. We never got over the floor. I mean, that, by the way, that might be the greatest thing ever to say in a marriage. We never got over the floor. Do you think that's what he wrote on the form? Roy, you're married.

I mean, if this came up between you and your wife, it's a hard one. I don't know. I think you just have to kind of surrender. Would you get rid of it? You'd get rid of it. All three of you guys would get rid of a naked dog. So let me ask you this, Roy, because... When am I going to play

it if I already got a woman in the crib, bro? Why am I trying to play that naked game? That's her case. That's why she wants to case i say all the two-person monopoly takes fucking forever that's the worst thing when my son who's 12 it's like 9 45 at night he's like let's play monopoly i'm like i don't want to be up until one in the morning i'm not doing that if you don't already know this start playing monopoly deal it's a card game based on monopoly it is monopoly but it's as if monopoly was fun it takes about 15 minutes great i'm in it's really fun it's called monopoly deal i'm in but i would keep it just and i played life

i play life would you play life here's the crazy i don't think i've ever played the thing about the game of life i live life no i play the game of then I'm like, man, if you get a good job and you keep getting paid every week, you have a great life. It goes right back to Roy's podcast. That's what it is. It's like if you get a solid job. You could have had a good life. You could have had a good life.

Otherwise, then you got to get lucky. If you don't have that, then you got to get lucky. And we chose this profession where you don't know where your paycheck's going from next, right? And you got to hope you hit the lottery. Oh, that would be hilarious. A comedian's version of the game of life where you do everything right. And like, well, it just stopped for you for a while. Like, well, wait, what did I do?

I rolled the right number. Yeah, but it just says here, you just stopped for a while. But everything was going good for me earlier in the game. Yeah, I know. But then it just kind of says that it doesn't work out. Here's where your family says, what's your fallback option? Parker Brothers got fired, and they brought in some new executives, so we had to scrap everything that you –

What were you going to say, Roy? I just want to know what are the – how can I put it? are the how can I put it what are the games that you would be willing to play naked like cause here's the thing this game is too long so

you lose your horny window that's right if you're trying to like win for real right like naked twister to me makes the most sense twister there's a lot of physical contact yeah that's a lot of like you you can be in it twisting for a while i this is a great call it might be interesting to watch some in my mind i'm attracted to these people uh naked people play hungry hungry hippos yeah a lot of movement upper body movement

and hungry hungry hippo like a life-size version of hungry hungry oh the actual yeah the actual one yeah you can get some good bounce going i whenever i get naked i say sorry so i think i could play that game like that would work for me as well well no but, I seriously want to know this. Would you paint over the floor just to be able to say to your wife, I can't, no, I get the next thing that we're going to argue about is mine. You get this, Victor. I get the next one. You can take this, but I'm going to now do whatever I wanted to do for the next three or four things.

You know what I mean? Do you take it as collateral? Capital, marriage capital. It's almost like monopoly. Yeah, that's one that you win, and then you, that's an argument you win, and then you have to turn around and basically go, well, now I get to take a vacation alone without you guys.

That's it. So to me, this is almost like life monopoly, is what you're playing. What he just said, vacation alone without you guys is the joy in that, the joy, the possibility. The indulgence in what Roy Wood just proposed. I think everybody who's got a family understands. If it's worth the floor.

I'd repaint the floor if they were like, you can go have a vacation. Roy Wood's like, I'm going to go buy a bear suit and walk up the five, just by myself. Alone, just for the time alone. Sh. Roy was like, I'm going to go buy a bear suit and walk up the five. Just by myself. Just for the time alone. Shower and truck stops. I don't care. So he says we never got over the floor. Newell did, however, convince her to spare the wedding ring and the naked lady squares.

They were the best part about it, he said. Oh my God. He moved out of his old home about a year ago and now lives in Palm Desert, California. The house was sold to a third party, so he's never able to share the story with its current owners, which might be why he recently uploaded this photo that we saw to read it. Now he says it's his quote

karmic duty to paint another game board onto the floor of his current home. You don't need to make a quote to restore balance to universe. I'm starting to understand why things didn't work out between him and his wife. Now it's suddenly I'm on his store balance universe. He said, but I. I'm starting to understand why things didn't work out between him and his wife. Now, suddenly I'm on his wife's side. He can restore balance to the universe. He said, but I think I'm going to go...

He put bitch at the end of that when he said that? Balance to the universe, bitch. But I think I'm going to go with Scrabble this time, Newell said. I guess. All right, buddy. I know. That's the story on Alan Newell. That's story number two, my friend.

Shit. I mean, you do not have to post. You do not have to paint it again, is what I'm saying. Sure. It's a wonderful chapter in your life. It's a story at the dinner party, but that's it. I'd leave it. I would leave it for as long as I could. That's story number two. Give us a little taste of what we're going to get in segment three. A Milwaukee bakery

gets back at the person who robbed them in a great way. I love that. I love a good bakery revenge story. And for our Patreon fans, we're going to ask Roy a couple questions that are just for you guys.

Yep, that's on the other side of the break. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home, buddy.

Final story. Final story here sent in by Brian W. Lance at Blance 79. Love it. He got the dough and now the dough might get him. Love a good opening joke from a newspaper. This comes from the Post. Milwaukee Bakery prints photo of alleged thief on its cookies. That's good.

Yeah, that's great. I'm going to get me some beef cookies. I love that. I could see three best bakery doing this. A Wisconsin bakery says it has ID'd a thief who ripped off cash and equipment from the store last month after it printed a photo of the suspect on their cookies. Why not make it delicious, your revenge? I know. The owners of Canfora

Bakery in Milwaukee. I approve of this. I do too, so much. I approve of this so wholeheartedly. They say the sticky fingered sneak broke into the store on April 19th and made off with the goods, but not before he was caught on security camera. You're going to get it. So the bakers used

their sweet crime fighting skills to create an icing image of the alleged perpetrator on sugar cookies and handed out the edible wanted posters for free to customers. So they told everybody here's who he is. Anybody wants to come down and get these free cookies and look at this guy

go for it. I mean, this is what they should have done with vaccinations here's a picture this is what the cookies look like and then you can see how good they did matching over from the like from the wanted poster of the guy yeah oh my god dude that's a great cookie right there that's solid man so yeah they took the picture of him of the profile, put it right onto the cookie and then did a little frosting. Why does the burglar look like every kid who's going to skateboarding camp with your son?

Stop. We made delicious sugar cookies with his image on them. We invite the Bayview community to come in and take a bite out of this thief while supplies last. The bakery wrote in a post

on its Facebook page. If you recognize this man, please call the Milwaukee Police Department. The suspect was swiftly identified thanks to a customer's tip hours after the bakery advertised. Sugar cookie justice! Yes,

according to the post. So somebody came in there. Go ahead, Roy. Is this the new milk box missing child? Yes. You don't catch people now? Just put it on bake it in bake it into your cookies oh my god what a great way like what do you have to lose no one's i think also yeah go ahead roy i think you also like should put like stuff like this on like weed like rolling papers yes yes sure you gotta you catch a lot of people.

Yeah. Well, but if you put it on rolling papers and you're like missing kid and it's on rolling papers, you roll it up and you're like, we got to find that kid. And then two puffs later, you're like, what are we doing again? Oh yeah, what are we supposed to do?

Are we supposed to find it? You said we were going to do something. We're supposed to find someone. Who are we supposed to find again? I just love it too. They were like, these are free cookies. So hundreds of people came to get the free cookies and somebody was like, I know who that dude is. By the way, but Roy free cookies. So hundreds of people came to get the free cookies.

And somebody's like, I know who that dude is. By the way, but Roy is right. This should be the new way to get people. Hey, we've got someone who's been carjacking. Or we've got someone who's been doing this and that. Wanted posters at the post office don't work. Because the only people who go to the post office anymore are just old people. That's it. So no one goes into the post office anymore.

So you need to do something like sweet sugar cookie justice i'm into this or how about in like really nice like coffee shops like the where they do the foam in the shape of the wanted like that you make a little lost yeah the coffee shop is perfect because that's where all the snitches go people who drink coffee like that love fucking being nosy oh that's story number three my friends so good i love it roy wood again so excited for you to tape your special it's gonna be awesome congrats on that denver be on the lookout for that go to roywoodjr.com check out all of his dates if he is nearby you follow him on social we do do. It's a treat. It's a joy. Enjoy his stand-up.

Dude, thanks for doing the show. Love seeing you, man. Well, thank you all. Thanks, dude. All right, we're out. Thank you, gents. We got to go back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down.

It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.