Dumb People Town - Ryan Sickler - Sliced Cheese at CVS

Episode Date: January 24, 2017

Comedian Ryan Sickler of storytelling podcast The CrabFeast joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk! Stories include a regrettable miscommunication about sliced cheese, a painful accident involving a wedding ring, and a woman with a very unusual diet who's looking for love. Nic Cage leaves a voicemail!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. All right, everybody, welcome to Dumb People Town, episode number two. We're so psyched that we're off and running in this uh in this universe here at feral audio these guys are great everyone who's been listening thank you so much thank you to

those who subscribe to this new feed thank you to everybody who left a review who rated it are even the people who rated it lowly thank you for no all right no our guest today understands uh what it's and the importance of rating a podcast and leaving a review as like it became part of the lore of his very, very, very funny and just beloved special podcast, The Crab Feast, along with our friend Jay Larson. Ryan Sickler is with us. What's up, Sickler? How you doing today? You guys good, hon? He's good, hon.

I'm sorry. I promised not to do that. That's Balmer, hon. Balmer, hon. It's great to be here. Thank you guys for having me. Congrats on the new show. Thank you.

This place is fantastic. Yeah, the digs here are kind of cool, aren't they? Fantastic. I just love we did something. What's interesting and and just in the idea of how this show came about because i think i don't know if everybody knows like the whole story you know i think when we had started off initially doing the show doing sclabo country uh we were doing the show and there was a need and a desire to do more than one a week. And so we were just not sure how we could do Scalabro Country two times in one week.

It's a lot to do that. It's also just sports. Like we knew we were kind of cutting off some people who were like, I don't know, sports guy. I don't necessarily love sports. I like comedy. And then when we met Dan, we're like, well, here's an opportunity to maybe do a different show with and co-host it. You know, have Dan co-host it with us. Daniel Van Kirk.

How are you, buddy? Good, my man. Great to see you. And have it be different and have it be more encompassing of everything. Yet, I think one of our, without knowing it, one of our missteps is that we just called it Scalabro County, wanting it to be under the same umbrella as Scalabro Country. And I think it might have confused people. One R. Fuck everything. People might have confused people. That one R, fuck everything. People might have thought that it was about sports

because of the same logo. And that's something we realized because there is no sort of roadmap for how to do podcasting and multiple podcasts and all that stuff. So we figured out years later. And so as we separated this and separated the feed from Sklarbro Country

to a new thing and just figured out new stuff and how do we make it different. Added the theme music with Matt Krakow who did all the theme songs and jingles from Cheap Seats just to keep it within our family. This feels really right and I hope it feels that way for you, Dan, as well.

Oh, for sure. As we Dumb People Town evolves. I'm very happy to be here. Would it be Dumb People Town evolves or devolves? Devolves. I think it devolves. There's no evolution going on. Sickler, like, this is, you and Jay, that's not the first incarnation of the Crab Feast, right?

Yeah, things grow and change. Yeah, it was Matt Fulcheron and I and then, like, two of his buddies. And then Matt moved to New York. And we sort of, we had phone calls at first. We had movie reviews. And then when Matt left, I just wanted to focus on the stories. Because the stories are the best. So people come in and tell stories on The Crab Feast.

And it literally informs your stand-up and Jay Larson's stand-up. And for a lot of people, I'm sure comedians who come on and tell the story, whatever that is, it might not be a story they're doing in their act. When they come out of there, they might be thinking, okay, I could probably tell this on stage. Oh, I tell a story. I've closed sets with one of the stories I've told on the show. I can't tell you how many comics have said that they had their clothes. Rory had one for his.

Special. Which makes me feel good. From Gilmore Girls? No, Rory Scovel. Unfamiliar. No, Gilmore Girls. Rory Cochran. No, Rory.

Rory Cochran from Days of Confuse. And Empire Records. So, yeah, when we first started, it was stories. It was a lot of different things things which were all fun and funny but then i just saw that if we let people come in and tell stories you know and you guys punch them up where it would go that's i mean that's the joy there's nothing more fun than sitting in the cheap seat yeah well what i love about it is and that has sort of you know we watched you do stand up recently and when we came and did your show the crab feast live that was one of those nights where randy and i were like i don't i think i got there late you got there late we were just not feeling like we could get up and do and we watched jay do

a set we watch we watched jay first and then we went and then you went i think was that the order i remember watching jay thinking like oh man i don, oh, man, I don't think we got it. I don't think we have it. And then this is a testament to your audience. Your audience was so good. They gave us so much energy back for what we were doing. It made me love what we were doing. I don't know.

You know that moment where you're maybe not sure of what you're doing and then the audience lifts you up, which doesn't always happen. It doesn't. But that's a testament to that. And in your defense also, the show prior to that happened to be on election night and it got canceled. That's right. We were supposed to do that one. All of them were almost ghosts.

We were supposed to do that one. And that one we ended up had to cancel it because there was just no one there. Because everyone was mourning. Right. Mourning. But yeah. Election day, I should say. Election day.

It wasn't results. It was vote. Right. Get out and vote day oh yeah but um but yeah that show that stand-up show at the comedy store was great you guys killed it you killed it it was really special yeah but you told a story in there that you were like all right i want this i think this is really funny and as you started to go into it this is what i love like you and jay both jay larson when you go into an idea or a concept for something,

you guys are very, each of you individually, care very much about the concept of what you're about to present and the premise that you're kind of going out to. And I feel like that is, it's hard to find original premises these days because it just is, I think it's difficult. It's almost like trying to build a new skyscraper in Manhattan. All the area has already been, you know, you got to knock something down or you got to build a tiny one that's really in a very specific spot.

So it is amazing. And you were talking about choosing your path to dying. Like if you were going to die and we were just outside here and you told a great story that you told on Dan's other podcast. You just told us a story about the last photo ever taken of your father who passed away far too young. You were in high school at the time. So, you know, death is on the mind. If your dad passed away early, it's in genes. It's part of your life.

It's part of your life. You think about it from time to time. So it's something you were thinking about. And you're like, how would I die if I could die? And that's how you started this story and i'm going to ask you to just tell a little bit of it because i think it is such a great idea and it had us laughing like crazy in the back well i um also it was heightened at the time too because between october 2015 which is when I became a single dad, and March of 2016, I was in and out of the hospital five times. With?

Just dropping stuff off. Just dropping shit. Yeah, just donating. Candy striping. Hey, guys, we got a show coming up. Hey, they got a cafeteria. I mean, talking about biscuits and gravy. So, it started with kidney stones, then which was awful awful um and then unbeknownst to me uh

they were giving me painkillers and all these things and also like not to sound like a terribly old man but i am middle age i guess this point but flow max because they wanted me to pee the stone out so they could tell me what's in my diet and how to change it. That's right. That's right. Well, all of the pain meds and the Flomax, and I mean, I don't know if you've ever been on Flomax. It, every 15 minutes, you're just like, where is this? You have time to think about it and say out loud, where is this coming from? This water. It's not just, it's tons.

Right. So, side effect, it ends up drying me out completely and i my legs start clotting both of them so i have to go in for this they start studying me they're telling me that i might have leukemia lymphoma they're testing me for everything and i'm freaking the fuck out of course yeah and the and the wait to find out about this is the worst it's two weeks also it's two weeks go up and do some comedy during that. What are you going to do? That's what I was podcasting during it and doing comedy during it.

I'm like, it's the only thing really that could keep you from losing your mind. That's it. You laugh so you don't cry because there was plenty of that. Well, but that's your weapon against it. It's like, I'm going to now talk about this so I can take it back. So naturally, and it ends up I find i found out i have this uh blood disorder called factor five where my blood is just genetically thicker my favorite joe rogan show and and they uh that they were they were drying me out and clotting me unbeknownst until they figured out all these tests and everything so so you got to be on a blood thinner they put me on a blood thinner to right the ship

and now i'm off but if it ever happens again i do and then it's funny because they're like you need to tell your brothers to get tested this is genetic and my younger brother doesn't have it but the doctor my doctor and his doctor in two different states said the exact same thing if you have to be on blood thinners in your 40s quote it's not good wow they said it the same way and i was like that's just basically not good anyway so um it's freshly on my mind yeah thinking about it and also during that march is when i turned 43 i out just outlived my father my father died like a week before his 43rd birthday so i'm also having these just crazy chest pains. They couldn't figure out

what it was. It might have been March Madness. To be fair. To be fair. Those early round games when like... You were in like six brackets.

Which I tell you is too much. Mercer v. Duke. Wow, my chest. Every year it's too much. A Dayton game comes up and you're just like, damn, these guys are

giant killers. Flyers. So yeah, I'm going through and I comes up, and you're just like, damn, these guys are giant killers. Flyers. So yeah, I'm going through all, and I'm In-N-Out, In-N-Out, In-N-Out. Which is a problem, because you shouldn't be eating In-N-Out burger when you're having that kind of chest. That hurt. But the oncologist gives me his personal cell phone number, and I'm like, this is your, he's like, call me if you have, and I told him, I was like, I just want you to know if anybody ever asks right, right now, this is the, this is the scaredest I've ever been in my entire life.

This is your personal cell and you're telling me I could call you on Saturday or Sunday. He's like, yup. So yeah, it's, it's fresh in my mind that I'm like, fuck that. I don't want to die at 43. I don't want to go out on these terms either. And it just started me thinking like like, what if you could? What if they just said, listen. You pick the date.

Here's how old you're going to be when it happens. We're going to pick the date. You get to pick how it happens. That's great. Listen, I'm sorry to tell you. By the way, who's telling you this? It's going to be 72 years old. 72.

I don't know. It's vague. It's vague. It's like a board of death. You're going to get to 72, and you have to deal with that. But. It's like Morgan Freeman and your high school guidance counselor. They're both telling you 72.

If you get 72 years old, and it's not going to be mangled in a car wreck, or you know what I mean? Unless you choose that. Or cancer, or whatever. Unless you choose that that it's a blank slate you go you can do the fantasy of dying in your sleep you can do whatever you want to do it's up to you and I then that of course starts me thinking like well you know there are so many ways people have died a lot of them unfortunately with cancer, heart attacks. I would pick an original way to go out.

You're a comedian. And as a comedian, we value original thought. Also, you said, it's so hard to come up with an original thought. That's right. It's true. I thought, you know what? There's only, and I started thinking about, obviously, more and more death and all the things I saw. And I've always had this idea about this fucking, I think it was a seagull. Yeah, it was.

That got killed by Randy Johnson in a spring training game. Yeah, he threw. A pitcher who threw about 97, 98 miles per hour. He was a six foot nine inch pitcher. Six 11. No, I think six nine. Six 10. We'll go to ten.

Fine. And he, I mean this, so I was on a plane the other day looking over the shoulder of the person in front of me who was watching a YouTube video of like the craziest sports moments of all time. And that was one of them. Of course. Where you see Randy Johnson rear back to pitch. Rear back to pitch.

He throws a bird flies right in the path of a fastball. From right to left. And there's like an explosion of feathers right there, and the ball never gets to the plate. The ball just duds off here, and so does the bird. Yeah, done. Done. And it just started me thinking about, like, think of how many, let's just do math on this. Think of how many birds have existed on this rock in outer space, okay?

How many of them have died by a randy johnson fastball one one that one most original way to go original way to go in the history of death on this planet you just want to be aimlessly walking by the mound in between the mound and i would make myself a bird you get to do whatever the fuck you want I'm a seagull and then I just started riffing off of like your conversation

with the other birds around you cause it's spring trade like come on man why can't we go do this in the regular season man do this

nah nah man I'm not flying all the way back to Seattle we're in Sarasota right now I'm gonna wrap this shit up

right now cause you haven't even flown north again. You're in your last weeks of being down south. It's warm down here. I'm going out like this. I'm going out on vacation. Yeah, I'm not flying all the way back

to Seattle to die. The flight back to Seattle. He's like, that's too depressing for me. I'll be thinking about it the whole way. I could have just done it right there. God damn. Now he's fucking, now his elbow's hurting. He's off another three days.

What if he sees it? What if he sees it? You know how they, and just the idea of a seagull talking to other seagulls saying, you know how unpredictable the pitching rotation can be in this age? Randy's getting up there now. He could be on the DL for two weeks. What am I going to fucking do? That got postponed.

I love it. I just love it. I sincerely appreciate that. Thank you. Oh man, I love that. And again, I came and asked you guys

after, I'm like, what do you think? How the fuck do you think I should get into this? Loved. And I think you got into it in the most honest

and truthful way. And it's why you attack all the stories like that, which is why I'm so glad you're on this podcast with us. Because for those who are just joining us anew, this is what we do. We get three stories that either we find, Dan finds, usually our fans find them and tweet. Send them to Dan. Tweet at Daniel Van Kirk. Tweet at Sklar Brothers.

Hashtag Dumb People Town. Or at Dumb People Town as well. And just, you can send us links to the stories, and then we'll give you credit on the air. And then the four of us treat it like it's a writer's room. We try and get inside the heads of the people who do the crazy and stupid things they do. And figure it out.

And try and figure out why they did what they did. And it is a blast. And Daniel, we've got a story, do we not? We do. To kick things off. This was sent in by Dano. At Yeah Muffins. Three H's in that yeah.

At Yeah Muffins. Richmond, Virginia. Wow. So we're kind of in Baltimore. Near Baltimore. We're in BMV. We're in BMV. What began as a spontaneous trip to the store ended up being one of the most bizarre experiences

of Ricky Berry's life. To both end in a Y, by the way. Yeah, yeah. It's a NASCAR family. That was the ballad of Ricky Berry. Look, this is a guy who, if, and I don't know what happened at this store, and we're going to find out,

but if that's one of the most bizarre experiences of his life, then I don't know if he's lived a big enough life. We'll wait till you hear. He and his roommate went to purchase a grocery store item and ended up having the police called on them. So two guys. Too many people going for one item. What was the old Paul Reiser bit? One item. What was the old Paul Reiser bit?

Like, the old Paul Reiser bit of, like, how, like, you see couples, like, it's a new couple in line at the movies. They're both going together to go buy the tickets. Like, married couple, it's like you're kicking out. Like, go. You go over there. You go over there. I'll meet you at the thing. But, like, when you're new, like, you waste so much time. These guys are new roommates.

New roommates. Got to both go to the store. Let's go to the store and pick up the thing. Barry. Ricky. Ricky and his roommate told 8 News they walked into the CVS

in Carytown and asked an employee Ricky Barry in Carytown? Yeah. Sounds like a children's book. You asked an employee And he's like a raspberry? If they sold sliced cheese. You guys sell sliced cheese?

By the way, if you're going for sliced cheese Screw the farmer's market Go to a drugstore You want to grill cheese real bad Yeah, go to the place you get nail polish remover Yeah, go to the place where you buy your razor blades. How high is this kid? You gotta go with me, man.

You gotta go with me. We gotta go to CVS. We gotta get some sliced cheese. Why do I have to go? And by the way, I'm sure the CVS has a block of cheese. I'm sure they have good quality items. If they want to sponsor a dark people town, get everything you need at CVS. One stop shop.

The worker kindly replied, they did not. Of course they did not. A few minutes later, really, I think a CVS would have sliced cheese. They have milk and stuff. Twizzlers. I don't know. I would have gone with CVS having sliced cheese. You know what? I'm going to be for the next week. In their little deli section.

The next week, I'm going to be staying at a place. Have you tried the CVS salad bar? It's back by the alarm clock. Across the street from the CVS and I'm going to look for you guys. And you know what alarm clock it is, right?

You're picturing the white one, the small white one with the red numbers on the packaging. That's right. Over by the coloring book? Well, have you been to our...

Right next to the Assures. Having a shirt. Right by the diabetes socks. Right by the... Yeah. No, no. We moved them. They're by the self-flood pressure thing.

Have you seen our olive bar? It's over by the greeting cards. No, you guys are wrong. We restocked last week. You all were off. They're in the As Seen on TV aisle. olive bar it's over by the greeting card we restocked last week you all were off they're in the ass scene on TV aisle by the cassette right there on that John Denver cassette right there

mark down Halloween items mark down Halloween items it's an instrumental clarinet of john denver songs the picnic umbrellas by the sits bath over there by the sits bath the halloween candy we're still trying to sell the worker kindly replied they did not a few minutes later the employee all of the store employees in fact were nowhere to be found barry and his roommate philip blackwell sounds like the villain of the child's children's book said they were in the store with another customer for more

than 30 minutes alone before an officer with the rich Police Department showed up. Guys, do you guys have sliced cheese? You and I walk into a CVS. We ask Randy, do you sell sliced cheese? He says, no. No, we do not. Then Randy disappears. Hang on a second. As long as...

You're telling me that? That's what's happening right now? He then disappears along with everyone in the store. Then we find Jason. And for 30 minutes, we're the only people in this store. The three of us. Yes. A ghost store. I would tell you guys, if you had to be anywhere, I would tell you we are not leaving the CVS

until we find out what happened to everybody inside this store. I'm grabbing anything I can on the way out and action happened i'm grabbing stuff and leaving usually ryan usually if i'm with these guys and something happens that i want to go check out or i tell them a story about a time where i had to look into something or i told a guy who may or may not have had a knife to go fuck himself they look at me and they just go Dan get out Dan you can't there's things you cannot be doing in life walk away from

we need you too much they would be they would be like we have to go we do not want to know what happened to these people I don't care I don't need to know

where these people are and I'd be like we are not leaving this store until we find the sliced cheese because you know they have it and what happened to these 30 people yes so for 30 minutes they're alone in this store quote we looked around We find the sliced cheese, because you know they have it. And what happened to these 30 people? Yes.

So for 30 minutes, they're alone in this store. Quote, we looked around for probably 30 to 45 minutes. We couldn't find anybody, Philip Blackwell said. As for the third customer, who says he was as confused as the two roommates, quote, he was in the store before we were. He had a bad tooth, and all he wanted was some Orogel. That's all he needed. Quote. Orogel. We were walking around trying to find an employee

and the cop himself ended up, so now 30 minutes, you've been in a CVS with no one. Back there by the eggs and the cream. The Orogel. I see Orogel and sliced cheese. That's all I see. You'd think it would be in the oral section, but it's not. It's not there. It's all not. Pass the lactaid.

You know, over by the Ace Bandages. You're going to see it, right? You're going to find the original just past the sliced cheese. Aisle 10. Light bulbs. Batteries. Sliced cheese. Wrapping paper. Oh, there's the sliced cheese. There it is.

Right by the extension cords. Light bulbs. Brooms. Mops. So these two guys walk around with a guy with a bad tooth looking for 45 minutes for somebody to store, and then a cop walks in. So now there's four people in the store. Right. Yes.

Exactly. We were walking around trying to phone the police. A cop himself ended up opening up the emergency door, which set off the alarm. A couple of minutes later, he got a call from the alarm company asking what was going on. Oh, my God. So the officer joined in on the search for the missing employees. Barry. This is like Stranger Things.

Yes. Season two. He recorded a video on his Snapchat account of what happened next. He was laughing with us. They're referring to Barry's referring to the cops. Yeah. And he probably all dead. All dead.

We all got, you know, killed by Randy Johnson fastballs. He was laughing with us. Like, how weird is this? This is how apocalypse movies start. Apocalypse? Oh, that's my favorite movie. Apocalypse. Apocalypse movie starts. That's one of my favorite Marlon Brando movies. Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now is's my favorite movie. Apocalypse. Apocalypse movie. That's one of my favorite Marlon Brando movies.

Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now. Apocalypse Now is great. Great film. That's how it started. It did. Apocalypse is my favorite Mel Gibson movie. Eventually, the employees were found in the back of the store hiding in a locked room.

After making a few calls, the officers told the customers they had to leave. Wait, hold on. I don't understand what's happening. Yeah, I'm lost too. Wrap that up again there. The employees were found in the back of the store

hiding in a locked room. Three people. No. Oh, three people. I don't know. I don't know where I got the zero. 30 minutes Alright

67 employees In one tiny locker And some Cuban refugees After making a few calls The officer told the customers They had to leave So the cop made calls Yeah

To me all cops are from Chicago So I just picture him being like Alright guys Here's the deal I talked to the people That are hidden in this back room You guys gotta go. You guys gotta get out of here.

The dude holding his tooth, these guys high as kites wanting sliced cheese. I'm sorry, guys. They don't know what they're in the back room right now. Go down the street to Rite Aid. In one of the videos recorded, Barry said, we're being kicked out because they were scared of us and hiding.

That is unreal. so they asked for cheese and then for some reason the police thought this was code for they're gonna rob us and they all go and hide if you're the manager

of this store who's high the employees or these people exactly exactly that's high behavior what did I say

what have I always said one of the scariest moments of my life was get getting gas on this okachobee boulevard okachobee in florida in florida and three cracked out dudes came came up my way and like were walking right towards me as i'm getting the gas and i walked i might have been walking towards the gas station but right towards but if you were high, you created, I remember we were at the Wilco concert. We went to see Wilco for Yankee Hotel Foxtrot,

back at the Ford Theater outside, and we were so high. And we, there was a guy in front of us. He looked like he was about 19 years old. And he was definitely on the spectrum. Like, you know, like screaming and yelling when everyone else was like okay we don't need to scream for camera you know like it's kind of a lower key song but he was up but we were loving his enthusiasm pitchfork motherfuckers over here

loving his enthusiasm for it but i'm like this i mean this might be this the first concert this guy's ever seen he was like probably like 22 23 but like so much energy that it felt weird and i felt like something's wrong with him and i started looking around and i see an older guy about two rows back and an asian woman like now and like they're like 50s and they're kind of looking towards him but towards the stage and in my mind he was their kid they met met in Vietnam. Like, he was... He went against his parents' wishes, and he married a Vietnamese woman. But he left, and he had to go back and get her.

Well, no, and they said... They had a child on the spectrum, and his parents said, see, I told you you shouldn't go to Vietnam and have a baby, because you have it, and the baby's going to be messed up. Jay, how long were you out of the concert?

Four songs? Four or five songs? So then they're like, we's going to be messed up. Jay, how long were you out of the concert? Four songs? Four or five songs? We're going to go to the concert. We're going to sit two rows behind him. Let him see his first concert ever. Just let him see how he does. And he was having so much fun. See how he does.

And they were like, he's having so much fun. And they were saying to each other the whole time, see, he can be part of society. That's the narrative you have. None of those people were connected. They must have been scary as all get out. Although's the narrative you have. None of those people were connected. They must have been scary as all get out.

Although the security guard didn't. All right. So. No, they're just two young African-American guys going into a grocery store trying

to get some cheese. Oh, so it's racism. It's racism. It could be that or they are. I mean, middle of the night at a CVS. I'm not blaming them

if they're all high working there. Yeah, that's true. They probably are. Stock those shelves Alright, so come in, do you have sliced cheese? No Guys, run!

They're asking for things we don't provide Run, leave it all! Leave it all! Leave it He just told us we need to leave the premises Or else we'd be arrested for trespassing And that flipped the script on all of us Barry told the 8 News reporter, Jonathan Koston.

We had no idea what was going on. Barry said the officer was kind and just doing what he was told to do. So I imagine the cop being like, hey, man, I don't care if you're here or not. I don't think there's that. He's a fucking idiot. Kids in the storage room, they're not going to leave the room until you guys go. You guys got to go. Get out of here.

I'll take you to go get some sliced cheese. Let's go. What's wrong with your tooth, bud? I got some sliced averti in the back of the car. Multiple attempts to contact the store manager were denied, although a CVS spokesperson apologized and said the employee who called the police will be interviewed

and possibly retrained. Oh, yeah, that's like Sully McCullough's old bit. We've talked about that. You can't get fired from McDonald's. You can't get fired from CBS. You stab the manager, and the guy's like, oh, man, you cut me.

This is Sully's joke. You cut me real deep, man, but I need you on that fry station. Neil, if someone asks you, do we have something we don't have, they're not trying to rob the station. You weren't there, Kerry. You didn't see it have? They're not trying to rob the store. They're not trying to rob the store. You weren't there. You weren't there, Kerry. You didn't see it. Yeah. All right.

First story down in the book. First segment down with the great Ryan Sickler. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town. More stories and a special voicemail coming up right after this. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. Tell two friends about this show. That's the way we grow it. And if you haven't listened to The Crab Feast, do yourself a favor and subscribe to that podcast. It's one of the best. I've been on it four times.

I'd say listen to two of those. We've been on it once and we loved it. It was really special. You guys need to come back. Come back. Come back and tell our fans as well about this. We would love to. We would love to.

Do you have a shout out you want to give out ryan do you want to shout out to anybody i started a thing on the crab feast where i shout out i shouted out to bradford uh-huh and like 240 people because my idea was get somebody who doesn't have a lot of twitter followers and have them wake up one day what the hell how did this happen brad woke up one morning and because of the crab feast, his Twitter mentions just were like, and Brad,

nobody follows Brad. He's a wonderful dude. He's on Twitter because he just likes reading it and stuff like that. He's an unassuming dude. And he texted me, he's like,

I didn't know what happened. And the feasters hit him up like over 200 times a day. And he'll still get people listening to old episodes. Now you just shout out to people. Because you know, a podcast,

people might listen to it in six months and be like, I'll tweet at this guy. They're all respectful. Some people put their sister out there and no one's been gross or anything.

That's so funny. I'll give Andy Girt one. A-N-D-Y-G-I-R-T at Andy Girt. Hit him up. Hit him up on Twitter. Dumb People Town. He's a diehard feaster.

Nice. Andy Girt. I love it too. You guys did a tour with the Crab Feast, right? Yeah, we did. But it was all stand-up. You didn't do podcasts. No, we did a stand-up tour based off the podcast.

We did 11 cities. How did that go? It went great. What were some of your best cities that you were in? Well, Boston and Baltimore, both for each of us, obviously. I heard St. Louis and Chicago were- St. Louis and Chicago were insane st louis and chicago were insane they were the most banged up yeah i don't know if we ever talked about it but you hit me up and

you were like hey when you get a chance whenever now no rush call me back yeah you need to know what happened in chicago i wish i could uh remember the girl's name she's so sweet and nice and i apologize if you're listening but she brought two friends a couple a guy and a girl with her to the show we did and afterwards she came up and she introduced herself and she said um i have to tell you this crazy thing so the couple owns an airbnb in chicago well yours truly daniel van kirk over here stayed at their airbnb and she is such a fan of the crab feast and him that when they said, oh, yeah, you know, they were casually just, you know, she's like, oh, so who's renting this week?

And they're like, oh, some comedian's in town. His name's Daniel Van Kirk. She's like, what? He said, Daniel Van Kirk. She's like, shut up. From the crab feast? And they're like, what? And then they said you were the nicest guy.

And I think you said they even said you left them tickets and put them on the list or whatever. I was doing my show at North Bar that weekend. St. Louis and Chicago people got after it. Oh, man. They're the best. And we were lucky because we had- We tweeted it out to our St. Louis peeps to come on your show. You did.

Thank you. That place was packed. Where was it? What'd you do? Blueberry Hill? We did Blueberry Hill. That's great. That's my second time there.

I love that venue. Downstairs. And then we did Chicago. Yeah. Where did you do in Chicago? Chicago, we did the Hi-Hat, which seats just little small ones. We did 100, but we sold out both of them. It was lucky for us because the Cubs are in the World Series.

And they told us, like, look, you're pre-sold and you're going to get your money. Basically, if the Cubs are playing that day, you're going to get White Sox fans. And that's it. Right. But it ended up falling on a Friday, which ended up being a travel day, luckily for us. It was cool to be there with the city. It was just so... Buzzing.

Oh, it's great. I love being around that energy. And then we just drove down to St. Louis i love being around that energy and then we just drove down to st louis and that was great and then what 11 cities that's just like we did it speaks to the do-it-yourself attitude that podcasts have that just you know you guys just you put it out there you reach to your fans that we're going to do this tour and was it success was it a successful tour monetarily for you guys? Very. Great. Yeah, we did very well.

Awesome. Baltimore, Boston. San Francisco was a great one. Did you guys do a show on election night? We did. Was that New York? Not only that. Yeah, we were at Caroline in Times Square.

And to walk out and see all the people there like it's New Year's Eve. And the billboards, all digital with Trump on there and Hillary on there. And every time they showed one move a certain way, this crowd cheer and this one, this crowd cheer. And it was packed. And we just walked out into that. But the entire time, not one fan. We didn't either.

No one. We didn't talk about it. I do think that that night at midnight when Ryan Seacrest's balls dropped, everyone cheered. It was really maybe one of the greatest ones. No, but it is kind of. People probably wanted the distraction of going to do something else because then nothing was going to be solved in the hours that you did the show. Like, that's just.

What's the point? What's the point? And you had a good show there. Great show there. Awesome. And then the next night was in Philly. Philly. Philly.

And it was a rainy day, and the election was over at this point, and I get into the Uber, and the guy just says to me, he goes, weird day, huh? And I was like, man, you fucking said it. Nailed it. What a weird day. Weird, weird day. Weird for Philly. But yeah, it was great.

Denver, we ended up in Denver. All of them. Every but yeah it was great denver we ended up in denver all of them every one of them was great i there was every and the fans line up and they're so nice and and i don't say that to to brag or anything but i just mean they're polite they take pictures for each like we have we have really good fucking fans i mean we're fortunate we have it's i say all the time it's like when your kids go spend the night and their parents come over and go, your kid's really good. Yeah. Makes you feel good.

Makes you feel really, really great. It's nice. It's nice not to have a bunch of scumbags out there and people are like, your guy's fans suck. No, it is good that your fans are good. And so are ours. And I hope that I'm glad we brought a lot of them over from Sklarbro. It's so much fun when you hit the stage when we do a show. We were in Oklahoma.

We're doing a stand-up show and somebody yells out Henderson or I went into my bit about my bag in Midway Airport and somebody just yelled out Michael Kisik. I heard that.

Yeah. In Oklahoma. Yeah. Oklahoma. Yelling a character that I do. I also take that character works

at Midway Airport and I was like good on you man. Yeah. That was awesome. Then you know you're playing on a home field right now. Yeah. Doesn't that give you that feeling like good on you man yeah then you know you're in you're you're you're playing on a home field right yeah yeah yeah for sure give you that feeling of playing

on the home field it's awesome well see that was the first time for me that was the thing this is the first time for me i haven't gone to do stand up where some people know who i am and the rest don't these people other than it was the flipped if they brought a friend or someone who didn't know that's right they didn't, but everyone else. The majority were there for you guys. Well, that's awesome. Well, listen, if that ever plays live, just check it out. And check out the Crab Feast podcast.

You guys will love it. Rate that. Review that. Fuck the Crab Feast. Explain that. Explain that. Five stars. Jay and I have different memories of this, but I'm right.

I agree. Thank you, man. We were saying early on, people kept saying, how can we help? How can we help? We're like, well, spread the word, and then it would help to go to iTunes. Give us a rating. Give us a five-star rating. We're asking you guys to do this for dumb people now.

It's crucial to the growth of the show. helps you grow move up the charts and all that and because if you're look you know back i was a huge howard stern fan in high school and i bought the books and i saw the movies but i'm not the guy that's going to email or do i'm not you know what i mean i'm just not that guy but for that if that existed back then i would do that you would do our fans did that and uh i said write whatever the fuck you want you know you can say fuck the crab feast if you want yeah we were like just say you know and then i think it was something like i was like you know don't be like you know fuck the crab feast five stars as long as you hit it with five stars i don't care and it evolved and people just shit on us and shit on us and they have a good time with it and it it's always a five star review. I love it.

So what it ended up doing that I loved most was for all the haters out there, you're not going to say anything worse than the people who love it. You can't beat me. You can't beat us. Yeah, that's bulletproof. You can sit there and say whatever you want to say. Right. But the people that love us have said 10 times worse. It's beautiful.

All right. Let's get into another story. All right, here we go. Sent in by Josette Covington at Pure Josie, i.e., a South African husband. Already starting off bad. Already. I don't know anything about him, but I already don't like his politics. I don't know what everyone's so mad about apartheid.

I don't know why I gave him a Canadian accent. This is, if you're going to talk about dumb people, this guy, he's in the town. A South African husband. Who slipped his wedding ring over his penis, quote, for erotic reasons, had to have blood drained from his genitals after it swelled up and became trapped. Slipped it over his... I mean, how small is his... I was going to say that.

How big are his fingers? He might have gigantic knuckles. I'll wear my wedding ring on my phone. Honey, where's your wedding ring? Oh, you'll know where it is. I mean... That's a little thick. There's no way.

And it's big. It's big. I have huge knuckles. I think you guys are trying to ring dick brag right now. Oh, man. Jesus. Oh, man. How do you do that?

That's Ringling Brothers. Which, by the way, Ringling Brothers, not anymore. Not anymore. You know, they ran that place like a circus over there. Randy. Sklar Brothers, guys. Animals. Animals. I just, you know, run it like a circus over there. Randy. At Sklar Brothers, guys. Animals. Animals.

I just, you know, run it like a business. The man who lives in Johannesburg was taken to a hospital by his mother. Wife wouldn't even do it. She's like, no, he probably lives with his fucking mom she was right there severe pain after his penis turned blue it's hurting me over here it really is do you think it was like he was like it was joy he was like i'm fucking around my dick's blue because she won't help me because she won't help me because Because she won't help me.

That's why you have to help. She's looking at me. She's looking at me. We're in your room. Because we wanted a bed for once. Start the car. For once. For once.

Look, research the kink before you do the kink before you do the kink you know what I mean he's got a kink in that dick this is the rule do you guys remember that old show Emergency Johnny Rampart it was an old show

about paramedics who worked at a fire department but the EMS who would go and like, it was a fast- It was like around when chips was around. Right, it was kind of like chips, but for paramedics. But every story,

there was like a level of reality to what was going on. Like a kid stuck in a sewer. He's like, what's this kid doing in a sewer? This is that. I remember we'd be playing baseball outside or in the neighborhood, and a tennis ball would, like, go down the sewer. And I would not even come close because I'd be afraid I'd get stuck down in the sewer based on emergency.

And, like, there was one where a kid had stuck his head through the bars of, like, the bars of a fence or a thing. And he was stuck. He couldn't get back through. And they had to saw the things around it and this thing came out but just

how they got the kid in there and all that other stuff was it was like too real for a TV show everything else about the TV show seemed fake as shit I'm like

that's not a real kitchen but they nailed that emergency they nailed those things so I imagine like they'd have to saw this thing off the case of the blue penis. Oh my God.

Or put butter on it or make it really, really cold. I would. I just picture this guy with a limp dick thinking, babe,

I'm going to have sex with you with my wedding ring on. And then his mom taking him. The wife's just done. She's like, I'm not. Maybe this was his last ditch effort.

You've got to calm down. You've got to calm down. You've got to calm down. All the things you're trying to show him. He's like, I can't help it. This is turning me on. The fear is turning me on. You've got to calm down. We'll show you whatever.

I don't know. Let's show him Schindler's List. Schindler's List. Anything. Calm him down. He later admitted running the ring up his penis on the recommendation of friends. Those guys are not your friends. Those are not your friends.

Leaving it severely constricted in the middle section, according to the South African Medical Journal. The ring was left so tight against the swelling that doctors were unable to cut it off with a surgical saw, which means they tried.

Fuck! Sickler. Instead, after sedating the agonized patient... Can I say something real quick? You can say something anytime. I watched this video on Facebook. Have you seen it? Where the guy's got a wedding ring stuck and their finger looks bad.

They can't cut it or anything. And this dude takes string and he wraps it up tight up against it and gets it just underneath. And then he pops it and starts undoing it, and the fucking ring slides right down and follows it. I can't figure out the science on it. Really? But that dude knew what was up. It's like Dave Anthony's old joke.

Phenomenal old joke. Friend of his, they were like playing basketball. Pick up basketball, and you had to climb over a fence to get in and play basketball. over a fence to get in and play basketball. And a friend of his had his wedding ring on his finger. Caught on the fence. Got caught on the top of the fence, and he went over, and it ripped off his finger. Ripped off part of his finger up on the fence.

And he said, the moral of this story is don't get married. Great Dave Anthony joke. Come on, Dave. story is don't get married i mean great dave anthony joke come on dave great dave anthony joke uh instead after sedating the agonized patient they were forced to puncture the organ to drain the store we're gonna lift this up we're gonna lift this up multiple puncture aspirations were applied with a 20 milliliter syringe and a pink needle he's sedated though he's out he's out so he's not feeling this the yeah kidney the swelling subsided and the ring was successfully removed forever the medical journal reported the man from limpopo province three hours north of johannes hours north of Johannesburg, was treated with antibiotics and anesthesia is what I thought.

I don't know. He was discharged after three days. The medical journal said- That's the last time he'll discharge anything. Anything. That's right. Penile strangulation is a rarely described medical emergency, but occasionally occurs on a worldwide basis.

It's been reported across all age groups, which makes me want to ask you guys, how old is this guy? Now, he's been married. Maybe he's newly married and thought this would be fun. Maybe he's been married a long time, trying to mix it up. Lives with his mom. She drove him to the hospital.

Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the hospital. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age. Guess the age. All right. Sickler, you're the guest. I mean, from the facts, what do you think?

This is tough. This is tough, because you go a lot of directions. It could. I could see this being realistically almost of any decade. Mom could live with him, could be elderly mom back in with the family again. Who can still drive or can't drive, but at this point it didn't matter. Who gives a fuck? My dick's blue.

Right. Get behind the wheel, mom. Right. No night driving, but get there. I'm going to go. I guessed it right last week. the money i know did you really yeah yeah you got one right uh a couple weeks ago uh when we were formerly a different show that wasn't as fun as this one is now uh jonah carey hit it on the head he said yeah he goes

where do i get my metal i go give us your p.o yelled. He probably yelled at the radio. I have a number, but I'm second guessing myself. No, just do it. I'm going to go with the younger of the two. I'm going to go with 37. 37. I was going to say,

well, I won't say it because in case one of you guys want to say. I'm going to say 29. 29. 29 is what I'm feeling. I was going to say 23. He should not have gotten married

and he shouldn't have done this. I was going to say 46 originally, but 37 is what I settled. I just feel like this is an old guy. 29 say 23. He should not have gotten married, and he shouldn't have done this. I was going to say 46 originally, but 37 is less settled. I just feel like this is an older guy. 29, 23. Okay. As always, this is horseshoes. You just got to be closest. I don't care if you're over or under.

This is the Price is Right. 28 years old. Wow! Jason! Yes! Saturn returning. Saturn's a ring situation. There are no proper guidelines for treatment,

and the academic journal advised that a doctor should decide on the best removal method depending on the case, the settings, and the available equipment. I think the moral of the story here is don't put a ring on your dick. He could tell people his dick is holy now. Literally a dick ring. He could have just been listening to Beyonce. You mean a cock ring? Beyonce at that point.

Yeah. She said that to him. Yeah. If you want to have sex with it, put a ring on it. Put a ring on it. All right, guys. Segment two, down in the books. Ryan Sickler is here.

We're going to come back with one more segment. Short story. Little voicemail. And stay with us. Dumb People Town rolls on. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town rolls on. Stick around. Make it sound for more

Dumb People Town. Hi everybody. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Subscribe. Tell two friends. Fair lot of... Rate it.

Rate it. Leave a review. These things help us out. Follow at Dumb People Town subscribe tell two friends Feral Audio rate it rate it leave a review these things help us out follow at Dumb People Town on Twitter follow us we're at Sklod Brothers and hey

if you're new to Feral Audio they have a lot of awesome shows on this network My Favorite Murderer Harm in Town Call Chelsea Peretti Doug Pound Show just great

I think Bronger's got a show coming out on here. Duncan Trestle Family Hour. Just tool around the site. It's really awesome. It'll hopefully introduce our listeners into the wonderful world of Ferrell because that's what's great about this is that they'll be introducing a bunch of their people to us and we'll do the same for them.

I want to mention we're shooting our CISO special in Chicago, Lincoln Hall, Saturday, February 11th. Two shows. Tickets are not expensive. Tickets are not expensive. I think they're $15. You can get them through the Lincoln Hall site or you can get them through our website. Just tool around and find it on there. Dan Van Kirk is going to be featuring for us. So it is this, essentially, this group

of people doing the thing. It's going to be so much fun. Do that for Valentine's Day. Yeah, make that be your Valentine's Day plan. It is going to be so much fun. It is going to be so much fun. Do that for Valentine's Day. We are, yeah. Make that be your Valentine's Day plan. It is going to be a blast. The room is not that big. So if you're thinking about getting tickets, I would get them now. You do not want to get.

It's going to sell out. And we just don't want people to get shut out. There might only be like 250 tickets or 225 per show. Because they got to put cameras in there. They got to put cameras in there. So this is what we're going to urge to our fans. Please get your tickets now. We'd love to see you.

And then we have a bunch of dates coming up. Sorry, our site was down for a little bit. It's back up. We switched our names, but it's back up. In March, we're going to be in Hilarities in Cleveland. We've never done a full weekend there. I love that club. Nick, the guy who runs that club, is awesome.

Two weeks later, we're in Portland, Oregon. We haven't been there in a while. We're going to be doing the Helium Comedy Club there we're going back to Moon Tower we're going to do live Dumb People Town there we're going to do

Headline there we're doing the Ping Pong Tournament all that stuff is happening in April and then it looks like we're going to try and find another date

to get back to Lexington, Kentucky so we have lots of stuff and dates and clubs and shows coming up so just check our website supersclubs.com check that out.

And let's get into the last story. Shall we not do that? Sickle, you got any dates coming? No. You're hanging around. Local. You're busy. You're producing a show for Comedy Central. I just finished Josh Adam Meyer's show. Yeah, the Comedy Jam. Goddamn Comedy Jam.

You guys have done it twice. We did Morrissey. We did The Smiths. Boy with the Thorn in? Done it twice. We did Morrissey. We did The Smiths. Bowie, right? The Smiths. Bowie with the thorn in his side. And then we did Bowie right after Bowie died. Yeah.

We did Moon Age Daydream, which was a blast. It was so fun to do. We did that at Moon Tower. I guess if they're coming back to Moon Tower, I don't know if they're going to be there, but we'll probably, hopefully, do one on that show, too. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song.

Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Get a song. Well, Bert Kreischer did that. Kreischer did that. He did, yeah. He did it.

So we can't. We've got to go to a different one. We'll think of another one. We'll get there. Yeah. Any suggestions you guys have, let us know what song you'd like for us to sing. Oh, that'd be fun.

All right. Sent in by Justin P. At Pluck Hooey. I love Pluck Hooey. Great. Someone we follow on Twitter. I could read you just the first sentence of this story. It'd probably be enough.

A single mom of two claims she beats the flu by drinking sperm smoothies. What? How do you find out that that works? Trial and error. Her name is Tracy Kiss. Of course it is. Because you're a kiss. 29 of Buckinghamshire, England.

Sounds too proper. Puts a spoonful of her best friend's donated semen into her drink every morning in a bid to boost her immunity. A spoonful of semen makes the medicine go down. In the most delightful way. A personal trainer. He puts the bang bang and shitty shitty. Who is mom to Millicent, nine,

and we gotta put the kids' names in here, has previously, I'm not even gonna do the other one, has previously advocated using sperm as a facial ointment. On her bizarre beverage concoctions, she said, quote, I've been feeling run down and had no energy, but now I'm full of beans and my mood has improved. Look, this is what happens.

You start experimenting with more. Like, you knew it would eventually come to this. Yeah, but who, on what level are you like, you know what I think I'm going to try to do for this flu? I'm just going to have some semen. Guys, it's time to beat this. Well, you said I had sex with a girl that took semen and rubbed it on her face after that. I couldn't even believe what I was saying. And you just said that.

She swore by it being good for me. Are you serious? I swear to God that happened. It's good. She's like, this is good for my skin? This is good for my skin. What? Why do you think porn star skin is so...

Porcelain. Like porcelain. Porcelain. No. Yeah. Like a precious moment. It can taste really good depending on what my friend has been eating. That porcelain. No. Yeah. It's like a precious moment. It can taste really good depending on what my friend

has been eating. That's the part. My other mates think that I'm strange but I don't give a toss. It seems somehow classier with her like saying I don't give a toss.

I don't give a toss. Yeah. Tracy. I take a toss. I'll take a toss. Tracy who is vegan roped her 31 year old single friend

I'm sure he was like yeah I'm in into giving her his semen. He comes by her place with a fresh tub three times a week. Three times a week with a fresh tub.

Is it free? Is he giving it to her for free? Is it a donation? If you're filling up a tub three times a week, this better be your job. But a tub, again, we don't understand the British technology. A tub could be a th again we don't understand the british technology it could be a thimble we don't know it could be or it could be like a it could be like a is it a shot like wheatgrass like how much of it do they put in the smoothie like you have like a country crock yeah this is like country cock spread like he should come up with his own thing. Tub of it. I'd be worried Tracy was going to use it and get herself pregnant with it.

That'd be my big concern. Wait till this. I know he's healthy, doesn't smoke, drink, or do drugs, and I made him have an STI check. When I first approached him, he was concerned I'd use it to impregnate myself. Wow. Still could do it. By the way, still could do it. Once you give up the tub, you're giving up the guy. It's Still could do it. By the way, still could do it. Once you give up the tub,

you're giving up to God. It's out of your hand. Once the tub is out of your hand. Jesus take the tub. But once I convinced him it was for my beauty regimen, he agreed. After all, he has a regular supply at hand. That's a pun. Tracy, a qualified nutritional advisor,

has been drinking it every day for the past month and stores it in the fridge alongside her groceries. That is... Mommy, what's this? Nope, nope. That's Kevin's cum right there. Give me the yogurt behind it. Hey, what do you guys got in your fridge?

I don't know. Some juice, some grape stuff. Some yogurt squishers. Sunny D. Remember that Sunny D commercial where they're like opening it and reading all the stuff? I can't wait to get there. Kevin's come. Kevin's come.

Is that any good? It's okay. Yogurt squishers. Oh, we do have raspberries. We do have raspberries. Oh, we do have raspberries. Right behind Kevin's come, I didn't see. Where's Kevin's come?

Right behind Kevin's come. Hey, uh. In the country. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to interrupt. I'm sorry. I'm so glad the CVS is open. Do you guys have Kevin's come?

Do you guys carry Kevin's come? You're going to go just past Kevin's come. Right past that, you're going to see the Icy Hot Packs. That's what you're looking for. Right by the poncho stand right there. Yeah. You get to the state magnets, you've gone too far. Back by the slippers.

That's where the cheese is. You know where they are? We moved them. You know what? We moved them. They're on the end. They're on the end of the aisle next to the readers. What'd I say?

Next to the readers. Aisle 11. Duct tape. Kevin's cum. Sliced cheese. Brooms. 11's where it's at, man. You're going to want to go to 11 for that.

No, dustpans are on Twitter. Why wouldn't dustpans be with broom? Not enough room. We have so much company. There's so much company. Tub. Just right on the other side. I'm at the cum, but I need someone to come over with a key and unlock it.

They need to slide the glass door open. Can I help you? Yeah, I need just one of the cum and the double. How many tubs of cum do you need? Do you need it right now or can I meet you back there in a couple minutes? I need it for the whole week, so give me five and give me the replacement. Did you say that we only sell it by the tub? Is that okay?

I'll take a tub and some Gillette replacement. Do you sell it by the tube at all? No, just the tub. Drop B. Just the tub. She mixes the semen with fruit, seeds, coconut, or almond milk, but is also happy to drink it on its own. That's all on all nine. She can drink it on its own.

Every batch tastes different. If he's been drinking alcohol or eating something particularly pungent like asparagus, I ask him to give me a heads up so I know not to drink it neat. Neat? Neat. No ice. Things like pineapple and peppermint make it taste better, but I'll happily take it straight off a spoon. Ew!

I feel like she's too into it. Oh my God. She said sperm is an awesome product, and we should stop being so ridiculous about it. We should be. I agree that. I once heard that there's a sperm cookbook. I don't know if that was...

Oh, I believe it. After reading this, why wouldn't there be? They said the health benefits have been well-researched, or she said, and more women and men should take advantage of it, particularly as it's made by our own bodies and doesn't contain E-numbers and chemicals. My body makes a lot of stuff I don't want to consume. I'd love to...

If I were her friend, I would buy her a shot glass that just said the money shot. And she should write a book. She should take one of those every morning. And her pen name should be Sperma Bomback. Although she has been single for three years, Tracy hopes to find love in the future with someone who understands her lifestyle. Doubt it. Good luck finding a guy that's okay with you swallowing his semen. I'm really starting to have some feelings for you here, but I got to tell you.

I'm not drinking that. I'm not okay with you drinking Kevin's cussing. Okay, so now when she is in a relationship, does she still get it? She probably wants to save it. She wants it by the tub. But does she want it from her new lover? Right, that's a great question. She is in a relationship. Does she still get it? She probably wants to save it. Yeah. She wants it by the tub. But does she want it from her new lover? Right.

That's a great question. You know what I'm saying? What if you can't do it three times a week? Yeah. Well, that's a deal breaker then. Now you know what her deal breaker is. We're going to get out on such a beautiful thought. Quote, this is Tracy. Tracy Kass.

If somebody doesn't feel like telling you what she said. I want a relationship where my partner asks if I want one shot or two shots of sperm in my smoothie each morning. The money shot. Good luck. Good luck, Tracy Kiss. I love her. And you know what? By the way, she'll find that person.

Because as our grandmother, Sally Applebaum, once said, every pot has a lid. There's a lid for every pot. There's a lid for every pot. Every tub has a mouth. Every tub has some cum in it. That's what our grandma Sally used to say. There's tub for every pot. There's a lid for every pot. Every tub. Every tub has a mouth. Every tub has some cum in it. That's what our grandma Sally used to say. There's tub for every cum. There's a tub for every cum.

There's a pot for every lid. There's a lid for every pot. All right, before we get out of here, just wanted to mention that it is awards season. It is. As most people know, the Golden Globes just happened. The Emmys are coming up. The Emmys are in the fall.

The Emmys are in the fall? The Emmys are in the fall? I can never remember. Oscars are coming up. SAG Awards, Spirit Awards. When are the Tonys? I'm not sure. When are the Drama Desk Awards? Anyway, a lot of awards happening.

And I really expected to see Nick Cage in something. Maybe he was there. Maybe he was in character. I don't know. At the Globes? Or he was playing Denzel from Fences. Yeah, maybe he was. Or maybe I had Olivia Spencer. I don't know. He Globes or he left a voicemail or he was playing Denzel from Fences yeah maybe or maybe I had Olivia Spencer

I don't know he's probably presenting at the Spirit Awards Olivia Spencer Octavia Spencer both playing both so Octavia Mund

yeah Spencer Gifts that's right so I think he was there but I'm not sure he left us a voicemail that'll sort that out what he's been doing

hey guys it's me Nicholas Cage you know a lot of people were telling me that they didn't see me at the golden globes but uh i just want to tell all those people you can go fuck right off because i was totally there um you know i was hearing it on the twitter sphere and the blogoverse people saying that nick cage wasn't at the golden globes well guess what everybody nicholas Cage is always there. You just couldn't recognize me because I was in character.

That's right. I've got a great, excellent makeup guy. He does all the makeup on the Tigers in the Siegfried and Roy show. But when that show went down, because, again, I live in Las Vegas. When that show went down, because one of the Tigers attacked one of the magicians i took that tiger's makeup artist he does all my own makeup that's why he makes my hair look so good and so when i heard that the golden globes were coming i was like i need to go in disguise because i'm gonna be playing an amazing character later uh in life i'm gonna be to be playing Amy Adams in her life story.

And so I had my makeup artist do me up like Amy Adams. So when you saw Amy Adams in the Golden Globes, that wasn't Amy Adams. It was me, Nicolas Cage. Yeah. Star of such movies as Ghost Rider, Spirit of Vengeance. So after I got all done up in my Amy Adams makeup, I also, of course, had them take four or five inches off my legs so I would look shorter. And I had them save those bones so I could put them back later so I could come back to my natural, normal strength. And I walked from Vegas because I wanted to make sure

that I had the weathered feel of a woman who had been persecuted her entire life just because of the glass ceilings put up in this country. Yeah, Nick Cage. And so I walked from Vegas in my high heels because I want to feel what it's like to walk in your shoes, Amy Adams. I want to know you, Amy Adams. I want to know you. So, yeah, it was a pretty good night. Me and Justin Timberlake got fucking crazy smashed.

I love that dude. It was me, Justin Timberlake, and Jeremy Renner on top of the Hotel Roosevelt smoking cigarettes and spitting on people. It was fucking amazing. So that's the plan for now. Coming up next, I have the have the grammys i'm going to be dressed as james corden get ready for that america and then of course at the oscars who knows i'm gonna be but i'm also gonna be sitting in for uh lynn manuel miranda's replacement on hamilton for two nights so get ready i don't know any of the songs and guess guess who's not gonna

learn any of the songs me and nick cage i don't need i don't know any of the songs. And guess who's not going to learn any of the songs? Me, Nick Cage. I don't need to be bothered to learn songs if I'm going to be doing Hamilton. Guess what? I'm just going to rap a song right now. Here we go. Check, check. It's me, Nick Cage. Not Lin-Manuel Miranda's replacement on Hamilton.

And I'm rapping. And it's America. Boom. Tony Award coming my way. All right. Fuck you. Okay. I still don't even know if he was there or not.

That clears up. Even though it cleared it up completely, it clears up very little. All right. Episode two down. Loved it. In the books. Thank you, Ryan Sickler, man. Thank you guys for having me.

This was great. Love it, dude. Follow Ryan Sickler on Twitter, at Ryan Sickler. Follow and listen to The Crab Feast. Rate it. dude. Follow Ryan Sickler on Twitter, at Ryan Sickler. Follow and listen to The Crab Feast. Rate it. Give a review. Same with ours.

Rate Dumb People Town on iTunes. Leave a review. Five stars if you like it. Tell two friends. Spread the word about our show. We want it to grow.

We're so happy to be here at Feral Audio. We'll see you next week. Next week is going to be the live one that we did in Madison with Scott Rogowski. Great time. Hope you guys enjoy that and see how this show works live. Again Next week is going to be the live one that we did in Madison with Scott Rogowski. Great time.

Hope you guys enjoy that and see how this show works live. Again, we're going to do it again at Moon Tower Comedy Festival in Austin. We'll have that one up for you guys. But we'll see you guys next week. And thanks for sending us the stories. Keep sending them in. We'll see you in Dumb People Town.