Dumb People Town - Ryan Stout - Dumbness Saves a Life

Episode Date: December 17, 2019

Ryan Stout visits Town and hears a story about a hitman who outsources his work. In story 2, a man loses something in his nose. In story 3, a security guard makes a case for the side effects of an idle mind. 

Star Pains, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population stout. Did you just say pen pals People Ten Pals. Population. Population Stout. Did you just say pen pals? Hilarious. Love it. Ryan Stout.

Hi, everybody. Stouty in the house. Got a new album. We'll talk about it later. But I love you, Stouty, because you don't suffer fools lightly. I don't. It comes through in your stand-up. It comes through in your dress attire, the suits that you wear.

You don't have time for the BS. I can't do it. Do you travel garment bag? I do. Well, it's a folding suitcase with wheels, but yeah. It's not just like the little garment bag that you put overhead and then it gets crinkled. How many suits

do you own? Currently in my closet, there's probably about 18, but they don't all fit. Wow. What do you mean they don't all fit? Well, I mean, I- Got them at a different day. I have to Marie Kondo that and really try to pick up the suit and hold it and say, does this one still give me joy?

Marie Kondo is a reference of Marie Callender? No, it's the- The woman. The woman who says, does this give you joy if it doesn't get rid of it? Oh, that woman. That lady. When I've done that with my children, I've held them up. Held them up to light. Does this one still give me joy? This child does this give you joy if it doesn't get rid of it? Oh, that woman. That lady. When I've done that with my children, I've held them up. Held them up to light.

Does this child still give me joy? This child does not give me joy. Let's send her to the closet. Gone out of the closet. Out of here. Well, I love that you have that attitude because it's a perfect attitude for Dumb People Town because we believe the world's getting dumber. I don't know if you feel like in the last few years we've sort of hit like a dumb threshold.

Well, I feel like with the internet internet we certainly get to hear more about it. Right. So it just seems more apparent and the gap between the smart and the dumb seems very wide. Talent gap. But I think there's a lot of us in the middle but we just hear about those people at the bottom. So you think someone's pulling back the carpet and we get to see what's

underneath. We get to see the best of the world and the worst of the world constantly. Okay well this is what this show is. We see the worst of the world and the worst of the world constantly. Okay, well, this is what this show is. We see the worst of the world, and we try and understand why it happens. It's not mean. We don't point to it and say, look at this dummy. We point to it and say, why is this dummy? Why is this dummy?

Maybe this dummy's correct. Right? Maybe we're wrong! We do explore that, so our awesome fans send us great stories, and we have one right now. Let's jump right into it. Ready? Here we go. Yeah.

This is called from They Call Me Pickles at Novocaine Brain. Is that too many nicknames for a person to have? Is that their email address? No. Can I get a Novocaine Brain email address? At Novocaine Brain sent this story to me via Twitter, which is how I do that. You send it to the story. If you find a story, you send it.

You hashtag. You send it to... At Daniel Van Kirk. At Daniel Van Kirk. And you hashtag Dumb People Town. If you're the first in line and we actually have a timeline, we read your name. So thank you. So thanks.

They call me Pickles. Sounds like a clown. NovocaineBrain sounds like a Nirvana song. You're right. clown, Novocaine Brain sounds like a Nirvana song. You're right. This also, I feel like this story is going to

be adapted into a movie. Maybe after this. Businessman Tan Huey I don't know. Y-O-U-H-E-Y I have a Tan Huey watch. It is very expensive. Talk slower. I'm typing this into a movie. He's mailing it to himself. Businessman Tan Huey hired a hitman to, quote, take out his competitor.

You don't need that in quotes. No, you hire a hitman. There are no quotes around it. Right. Pray tell what business is he in. Carpet sale. But the hitman hired another man to do the job, and that is when things got messy. Subcontracting your hit?

It happens every time. It happens every time. Do you think the guy had too many hits on his plate, and it's like, I got to farm some of this out? It's like the Angie's List. I need a hitman. I just thought Angie's List sounded like an Amber Alert. Are you the hitman? No.

You pay me. I find you the hitman. I just thought Angie's List sounded like an Amber Alert. Are you the hitman? No. You pay me. I find you the hitman. I got an alert on my phone from Angie's List, and a plumber had stolen a child. Have you ever heard- But it was great recommendations for the plumber. Have you ever heard of an executive producer? We don't do the work. No.

We just hire a guy who can do the work. So you want a guy to hunt his head, and I am a headhunter to find, boom. I will find you the head. We've always said that. There was a wrestler back in the day, Kamala, the Ugandan headhunter. How great would it be if after wrestling, he just started a job-finding agency for Ugandans? I thought you meant a head shop. He just starts a head shop.

It's actually a shrunken head shop. Well, it's a head shop. He just starts a head shop. It's actually a shrunken head shop. Okay. Well, it's a tiny shop. The plan eventually crumbled, and the men involved were convicted of attempted murder by a court in Nanning, I don't know, Gengzi? I tried. Following a trial- I think it's Zhangji.

Zhangji? Is it? Maybe. It's, what is it? G-U-A-N-G-X-I. I think that might be Galveston. Is that weird? Galveston, Texas. Am I think that might be Galveston. Is that weird? Galveston, Texas.

Am I saying that right? Yeah, yeah. So this is in China. Right. And the trial lasted three years. The saga of the subcontracted hitman dates back to a professional dispute in 2013. That's putting it lightly. When Mr. Wei took legal action against Tan's firm, the Nanning Intermediate People's Court said on its website.

Scared of losing money fighting a lengthy court case, Tang contracted hitman Z Geigen I tried, and offered him 2 million yen to kill Mr. Wei. 2 million yen I think is

what, 20 bucks? I think so. If it was Japanese yen, it'd be a lot more, but it's Chinese yen. I'm going to go ahead and request all listeners not send foreign stories to Daniel anymore. This is it. You're fighting through it. You're doing a good job. He's at his limits right now.

Would you like to guess how much you think? Let's play How much we think? This is really Let's play the Dumb People Town Currency Exchange game. Just like the hitman in this article, Dan is not killing these words. No. I'm trying to...

I should get Google Translate to do it. Farm it out to somebody else. How much is 2 million yen? I'm going to say $2,000. Okay. $250. I'm going to say 20 Gs. $2,000. Okay. $250. I'm going to say 20 Gs. $20,000.

$20,000 is what you would pay. Otherwise, why are we having this trade war with China? This is what you would pay to have someone killed. 2 million yen in U.S. dollars equals $18,403. Oh! Wow. Yes. Well done.

That's about what it takes. $18,403. I like how I was thinking about currency exchange, and. There you go. Well done. Well done. That's about what it takes. 18,000. I like how I was thinking about currency exchange, and you were just thinking murder. Murder. What does a murder cost? What's a price? What's a murder go for? What's a price on someone's head?

And you did prices right. You just said $1. Yeah, essentially. I'm like, I'm lower than all of you. Uh-huh. G accepted the job, but shortly afterwards asked another hitman, Moe, whose name I can't pronounce after that. Well, Moe's a Chinese name.

Moe, to kill Mr. Wei instead, offering him one million yen. So he's- $9,000. That was a finder's fee. Right. Yeah. Of course. It's a $9,000 finder's fee.

After Moe accepted, Ji renegotiated with Tan to be paid another one million after the killing. So he was like, I'm not going to let one million of this yen go away. Right. I got to get back the original two million yen.

That I'm giving away to the person I've hired. So when you hire a hitman, you don't necessarily specify how the person needs to be killed. No. Sometimes. Sometimes. What do you say? If you watch a lot of Oxygen or Freightline. person needs to be killed. No. Sometimes. Sometimes.

What do you say? If you watch a lot of Oxygen or Fate Line. Forensic Files. Yeah, Forensic Files. There are all sorts of people who say this is how I want it done. Yeah. Okay. So you can't specify.

Even if you specify how you want it to be violent, you're not necessarily telling someone, hey, use a lead pipe or use a gun or don't use another person like you you're not specifying how you just get it done what was the thing your dad said you can get it fast no it's our uncle our uncle eddie had a print shop he said there are three things okay fast goes for murder fast cheap or good pick two if it's fast and good it's not going to be cheap if it's fast and good it's not going to be cheap if it's fast and cheap it's not going to be good if it's cheap and good it's not going to be fast it's so great pick two that's so great that's one of the best signs ever you want this

pick two pick two pick two pick two which is a special we're offering at my subcontracting you can pick for the holidays yeah i wonder if this is a Black Friday show. Okay. So, remember, if you're playing along at home, Tan wants someone to kill Wei. Sure. I believe. Tan kill Wei. Tan kill Wei.

He hires Ji to do it. Tan kill Wei is the Chinese eat, love, pray, right? Yes. Tan kill Wei via Ji. Ji then hires Mo to do it. That's kanji mo way okay here we go it gets messy but mo in turn contacted another man what is going on nobody wants to do the work he hired yang kang sheng who agreed to carry out the killing for an upfront fee how many yen do you think he agreed to do it total?

This is down the line. We're now going three deep on the depth chart. Mo's got a million yen to play with. I feel like this should be on the SATs, guys. It's a good SAT question. If a hitman is leaving from Beijing at 40 miles an hour, Mo has five Hitman oranges. Dan, do you want to go first? You can guess first.

He's got a million to play with. He's got a million to play with. How much? I mean, I'm just going to go. He's going to offer half. He's going to offer half. 500,000 yen. Okay.

Which, again, is 400,000. That seems like what the first guy did. 4,500 bucks. I think it's a cultural thing. It's more than half. Yeah. Oh, no. It is not more than half.

It's one million. Okay. Teach a man how to hit. Give a man how to hit. I'm going to say he's, because it fell in his lap. He didn't have to do the work and find the guy. Right. So I'm going to say he's offering him 600,000 yen.

So two-thirds of it is to not have to do it. Almost. I think Mo is greedy. Okay. I think Mo's like, I can get Yang to do it. Almost. I think Mo is greedy. Okay. I think Mo's like, I can get Yang to do it for 200,000 yen. Wow. He's like, I know a guy who's willing to do this. This guy is the guy.

He's at the bar. He'll do anything. It's like he's the Mikey. He likes it. He's currently got blood on his hands. Yes. He's not even going to clean up before this one. Literally has blood on his hand, and mixing it up with the DNA, you'll never find it.

Okay. Okay. Moe offered Yang Kexing $770,000. That's what I'm talking about. But you were close, Ryan, because the $500,000 would be paid afterwards. $270,000 up front. Up front. So Moe has now given that to Yang Kexing. Which he's going to stiff him on.

Yang Kishen then offered another hitman. No. This is like the Russian dolls of hitmen. Love it. You pull him out, and then there's a littler guy. I want them all to be descending in height. Meanwhile, as this is going on, this guy's business competitor is just burying him in the business. Crushing him.

Here's what i like about a story like this if if if you catch the murderer in the act everybody thinks great open and shut case meanwhile the prosecutor goes wait who hired you who hired them i have 16 people in court oh crying out loud what if it ultimately goes around the cul-de-sac and they end up hiring the guy they're trying to kill to kill himself. And it becomes a suicide. And he's like, I got to hire someone to kill me. He's basically going to say, I'm going to kill myself for 500 yen. Good deal.

It's a good deal. So Yang Qisheng, we'll call him Yang K. He offered another man, Yang Guangcheng, we'll call him Yang K. He offered another man, Yang Guangcheng, we'll call him Yang Ji. Okay? So now, Yang K has 770,000 yen. How much do you think he offers Yang Ji to do this? Wow. He's got 770 to play with.

300. 300,000. Okay. Jay, what do you think? 500. I think with. $300,000. $300,000. Okay. Jay, what do you think? $500,000. I think $400,000. I'm going to go right in the middle. He offers Yang Ji $700,000.

Wow. So he's leaving himself $70,000. He just doesn't want to do this at all. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He just wants gas money. It's found yen. It's just found yen where you say yes to something you're like i'll figure it out could you have 70 000 yen in your pocket go through the washing machine is that enough money

to 70 000 because like coin right yeah it's one i don't know i just want to know how busy are these men they can't do one murder i mean they keep they keep putting it off i just think we don't murder like we used to this is how trickle-down economics is supposed to work also just so everyone literally this is the only time it's ever worked but meanwhile we're four deep on the hitman and the last hitman's getting a nice amount of money yeah exactly yeah well he would be because yang gashan offered a fifth, Dan. Now you're just making shit up. Ling Zhangzi, I tried. How much do you think Yang Ji offered Ling to kill Mr. Wei? God, I wish I knew their names.

This really sounds like one of my daughter's math problems. I know. How much did Yang- But can't you kind of see this as some sort of like- Yang Ji offered Lingzi to kill Wei. 500. 500,000. He's got 700 to play with. Ling Z to kill Wei. 500. 500,000. He's got 700 to play with.

He's got 700 to play with. 600,000. Yeah. Again, found yen. Found yen. 650. He offered Ling 100,000 yen. This guy's making money.

This is the greedy guy. This is the greedy guy. I'm going to take the chunk. He's going to keep 600,000. That's so good. You know who's greedy in this whole lineup right here just by what they're charging the sub. It's like a greed Rorschach test. But imagine to go all the way back up to G, our first guy, who's like, hey, man, he's getting asked by way, when are we killing this guy?

Oh, it's happening. It's happening. Let me just send a text. Right. Do you think they're on a group chat? A group chain? This to me, though, feels like a Soderbergh or Coen Brothers movie. Because you start out every...

It's a difficult plan. Right. Most Coen Brothers movies exist on this one line. Somebody does something wrong and then tries to cover it up. It's this. That's not what the plan was. Every Coen Brothers is like, but that's not what we agreed to. Well, it went awry.

I heard shots, and then now we're... Right. I decided to wing it. That wasn't the deal. Yeah. I offered someone else. Look, you asked for this. We took care of it.

But you haven't taken care of it. That's what this all... I have not taken care of it. Right. So, Z goes to Yang, who goes to another Yang, who goes to Yang who goes to another Yang who goes to Ling and I think I'm forgetting somebody

instead of carrying out the murder Ling met up with Mr. Wei in a cafe and told him there was a hit on him and proposed a plan for the two of them to fake his own murder it did come all the way back. Come on! To fake his own. I love this guy.

He's only getting 100,000 yen. So why wouldn't he give away the plan? Do you think I'm going to kill someone for this little? But would he want to split it with Mr. Wei? No, he wants to save his life. So you are right though. Jason called this. We've come all the way back to Ling being like

100,000 yen yen i'm just going to the way i alive yeah the way right it's the only way mr way agreed to pose gagged and bound for a photo that ling could take back to yang before later reporting the case to police i really want him to then uh make a whole calendar of shots, sell that, and make an additional $700,000. Just on calendar sales of way bound and game. Yeah, but the people you would hire to do the

calendar would then hire another calendar company. Have someone else to print it, and then at the print shop it says, she could do it cheap or fast or good. The case initially went to trial in 2016, but the six defendants were acquitted due to a lack of evidence. You have all the people. What evidence?

Yeah, but they didn't do it. Prosecutors appealed against the decision, and a second trial lasted three years. But here's the thing. It doesn't matter that they didn't do it. They were going to do it, and money changed hands. That's attempted murder. Here's what I love. Tan, well, they got him after that second three-year trial tan who hired the original hitman was sentenced to five years

in prison while z the first hitman was sentenced to three years and six months yang k tell me they did it based on the money just almost yeah yang K and Yang G were sentenced to three years and three months. Mo was sentenced to three years, and Ling was sentenced to two years and seven months. They went down the line. How involved were you on the chain? Was the guy who told him about the murder. He got two years, seven months. But here's the thing.

It's the same offer for the same crime every single time. The amount of money shouldn't have any effect on the time in prison. And the guy who agreed to fake his own death, he should get a year in jail. Yeah. For fraud. Give him a year. That's our first story. Wow.

That is dumb people town handling a murder. Right. And just mishandling a murder. Because in the town, you would have, like, everybody's been hired to do this. No one's doing it. So we don't do stories on here where people get seriously hurt and whatnot. So, to me, this is

an experience where dumbness saved a life. You know what I mean? It saved several people. Stupidity and inaction. Here's the thing. In the United States of America, no matter how much you're getting paid, you get the same attempted murder sentence. It's the same minimum 25 to life or whatever it is.

Thank God this happened in China. But it happened in China. There you go. And so they must have known, well, I'm going to get less time if this goes awry. So I'm going to call this Smart People Town. If you're going to attempt a murder, do it in China.

That's what you learned. All right, there's story one down in the books. Ryan Stout is with us. We're going to talk about his new album, how you can get it on the other side of this break. Stay with us. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Sklar Brothers here with Daniel Van Kirk. We want to mention a couple important dates coming up. Yeah uh randy and i when is this dropping is it next job after that so we had a great time at flappers thanks to everyone okay thank you for everyone who came uh yeah so it would have probably like the third week of december right now is where we're sitting like a month out from yeah so sketch fest on friday night january 17th at the marine marines memorial theater which is a huge theater in San Francisco.

It's a nice one, too. Four or five hundred seats. We're doing a live Dumb People Town, and we want everybody out there. We're sort of finalizing the guest list on that, but please come. Guests will be great. The show will be great. It's part of Sketch Fest. It's, I think, the second weekend of Sketch Fest.

It's a Friday night 730 show. We want to see everybody, all of our San Francisco peeps out there. So please come to that. And we have other shows coming up in March. In March, we're doing a three-city tour. In June, we're doing a three-city tour. In March, it's Minneapolis, Milwaukee, and St. Louis. And in June, it's Vancouver, Seattle, and Portland.

Pacific Northwest. If you live anywhere near those cities, come see these shows. I know. The more we're able to sell out these shows, the more we'll keep coming back. And it's a new show every single time. What we've learned from our shows in Brooklyn at the Bell House is that we love coming back. They only get better. So do that.

Let's talk about Ryan Stout. What I'm holding in my hand. I'm not going to be anywhere because I didn't sell out any shows, guys. That's all right, man. I didn't sell out any,, guys. I didn't sell out any so I can't come back. This is the artwork on Ryan Stout's album, which is a- Man in the suit. Man in the suit.

With a Mapplethorpe. Microphone is a penis. And Mapplethorpe was really into stand-up comedy. I mean, that's what we didn't know about. Yeah, or penises. One or the other. He was really into penises. This is fantastic.

Your new album, Man in the Suit. Tell us a little about it. Where did you record it? I did it at Acme in Minneapolis. It's my third album. They've all been recorded at Acme. Really? Oh, nice.

Well, you guys did. We did our first album at Acme. First one? Yes. And the other two, nay. The other two, one in LA. Sklar Maps was in LA. Actually, we have five albums.

Right, right. Six, actually. I'm just trying to focus on the first three, guys. So, first one was Minneapolis. Second one was in LA. Third one was Denver Comedy Works. And the fourth was in Madison, Wisconsin.

Comedy on State? No, we did it at the Majestic Theater. The fifth was in Chicago. Lincoln Hall. And the sixth was we did was the... Recorded all around the country. All around the country, a bunch of clubs.

And by the way, for anybody listening, I am on pace because you guys had three albums out before I released my first one. So, but that's only three, but you got to split those up. So I have three

and Jay has three and you have three. So we're on the third album. Daniel has one. Jay's got one. I got one. He's got one. Thanks, Diane.

Nice job, Diane. Third album's a big deal. Third album, they say Jimmy Iovine says the third album is the third. That is the big one that you need to- And by the way, the numbers reflect that. Like if you look at my Spotify, this has been by far the most popular one. That's fantastic. And I was always kind of obsessed with the iTunes charts, just as a comedy fan.

Sure. Because if you go and you look at the iTunes charts, the people who are on there most consistently, I mean, obviously, have at least three or more albums. Sinbad. Yeah, Sinbad's on there. Singood.

Except for Greg Giraldo. Greg Giraldo's on there constantly, which is two albums. But out of 200 spots. So I was excited to see what would happen with that. And sure enough, it was the album that stayed up there the longest. And if you have the most for sale guess what you sell the most stuff

well here's the deal Ryan Stout is one of the best let's talk about him like he's not here let's talk about him like Way put a hit on him Tan put a hit on him no one of the best joke writers out there like phenomenal jokes it's a mixture in my opinion of

incredibly specific point of view and great point of view and then phenomenal jokes to back it up. Like, just, I can't recommend this enough if you are a stand-up comedy fan. If you're listening to this show, you're definitely a stand-up comedy fan. Get it and rate it and review it. Man in the suit, rate it, review it. If you're on Spotify, listen to it. If you're on Apple, listen to it. But then also do the rate and review.

And by the way, just check out the artwork on the internet if you're listening to something now, because if you go check out Robert Mapplethorpe's Man in Polyester suit, and then check out Ryan Stout's Man in the Suit, and just compare them side by side, you'll realize how much effort I put into this one visual joke. And it's comedy!

And it's comedy! I've never put so much effort into a visual gag before. It's great. And I will say, there is nothing pornographic about your photo. Correct. Yeah, I actually cleaned it up. It's only suggestive. Uh-huh.

It's like, hey, you got to connect the dots, America or world. But also, with 2019 the way it is and people getting so touchy about it, I, of course, have gotten young college-age girls be like, this is sexist. Is it, though? And they go off on a tangent about how male it is and how aggressive it is. It is kind of aggressive. And then I smile, I go, it's a parody.

And that young girl goes, what? It's a parody. And then I explain it to her, and then she goes, well. You probably introduced to a lot of people Mapplethorpe. So Mapplethorpe should be thanking you. Sure. But also, the reason I picked Mapplethorpe revolves around the time that he was doing

photography and where he was trying to do photography and he had a lot of conservative people say, no, you can't do that because we have to protect people like families and children. And we went, well, we're going to put it in this safe space called a gallery. Yeah. So you have to be an adult to go in. And that's how I always felt about comedy, which is, well, we're in this adult nightclub. Well, no, you do.

That is such a thing. The unwritten contract that people enter into when they go into a comedy club is, I know that this person is going to be testing out ideas, and I know this person might say things that will make me feel uncomfortable. I know that by sitting in this seat, I've agreed to that. I'm choosing to be here. Just the way you choose in the art gallery to see the penis in the Robert Mapplethorpe photo.

You're making the same choice as a consumer. And you can also quietly leave whenever you want. Sure, absolutely. Or quietly disagree. Yeah. And then walk out and be like, man, I like 90% of that 10% I didn't agree with. I had a girl walk out of a show I was doing in Hong Kong

and she just quietly got up and left. And afterward, I asked the door guy, I said, what happened to that girl? And he said, oh, a British girl, about 22. I said, I don't know where she was from. We're in Hong Kong. She could have been from anywhere. And he said, oh, she asked where the exit was. And I told her.

And then I said, are you coming back? Because I thought maybe she'd be going to have a cigarette. And she said, no. And I said, is everything OK? And she went, oh, no, this just isn't for me. That's a great way to- And I was like, I love that girl. Thank you.

She and I can have tea together. She didn't try to interrupt the show, didn't try to tell all the other audience members like, you're wrong. This is bad. He's bad. The jokes are bad. You're stupid. It was just like, oh, this is not my thing.

I would just find her afterwards and say, so it's good to know that good comedy is not for you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's good to know that high-level great jokes and great is not for you. It's just we now have a stage. Now we know what you like. Some people don't like caviar. That's okay.

Some people don't like Dom Perignon. Some people's simple palates can't handle it. You know what I call those people? Dumb. Let's jump into another story, shall we? Second story sent in by Adam V at just4dpt. That's his handle? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The flying V. JUST, the number four, then DPT. You've got a researcher and writer out there that you didn't know you had. We call them our dumb boots on the ground, and they are not dumb, but the boots themselves are dumb, and they're researching dumb, so thank you. I forgot to say that last

article came from BBC.com. This one, though, comes from 9news.com. Nice. All right. German? Sydney. German side? Nine.

No news. Nine news. No news. Nine news. Nine news. No news. Sydney, Australia. For nearly two people.

I don't know why it says that. For nearly two people. This dumb people town is very international. It is. I don't know why it says that. For nearly two people? This dumb people town is very international. Yes, it is. I copied and pasted it. But there's dumb in everywhere. Every corner of the world. Every corner.

Here we go. I was reading the wrong thing. In Australia, people's lives go down the toilet in the other direction. You just need to say that. A man didn't know he had- Up the toilet? No, it just flushes a bit different. Oh, I see.

Different atmosphere. A man didn't know he had a bag of weed in his nose until doctors took it out, according to a case in the British Medical Journal. This is Australia's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant. Right. That show's fantastic. I didn't know I had the weed in there. I didn't know I was a mule. Right.

That's basically what this show is. I shoved it in my mouth, and then I sneezed, and it just disappeared. I thought I swallowed it. I thought I was magic. Just for fun, going on whatever gut feeling you have, do you want to guess how long this guy had a bag of weed in his nose that he was unaware was there? Was it Portlandia you put your weed in here?

No, that was the state. Camerino. put your weed in here? No, that was the state. Camerino. Put your weed in here. I know, that's I dip my balls in it. That's I dip my balls in it. I think that's Portlandia. I like the one with pudding. Remember the pudding?

That might have been Jon Stewart in Half Baked. What's this like sketch comedy you guys are talking about? I don't watch sketch comedy. You quietly get up and in a British accent, you're like, it's not for me. It's not for me. Stand-up purist. So how long was the weed in his nose? How long?

I'm guessing three years. Three years. I'm going to guess 700,000 yen. Put your weed in here as SNL. Put your weed in here as SNL. Oh, okay. I'm going to guess 700,000 yen. Put your weed in here as SNL. Uh-huh. Put your weed in here as SNL. Oh, okay. I'm gonna guess 700,000 yen. Okay. I think it's

it was in there for three months. Okay. Three months. But Stout is maybe right because three, I can't tell you what I did three years ago. Well, and if you don't know, a bag of weed is in there. Right. Someone said, what happened in 2016? Two weeks. Two weeks.

Doctors took out the bag of weed from the man's nose after it had been lodged in there for play along townies because this answer is 18 years. Wow. So as a baby, he got it in there as a baby. That was the thing. That seems obvious now. And by the way, how do you know it's been in there 18 years? It doesn't have an expiration date on there.

That bag of weed could vote in this country. CNN reports that the man got the drugs from his girlfriend when she visited him in prison. So many other holes you could have used. Oh my God. So many other holes. If you are a woman and your boyfriend goes to prison, or if you are a woman and you meet a man who's in prison, that's on you. It is.

It's all on you. CNN reports the man got the drugs from his girlfriend when she visited him in prison. He put the pot in his nose to get it past the guards but wasn't ever able to get it back out. If this isn't an ad for baggies, you know, like sandwich bags, like glad sandwich bags.

You can barely feel them. A, you can barely feel them. They last. Yeah. They last. We put a bag of weed in this prisoner's nose. 18 years ago. 18 years ago. And look at the day.

I mean, they should smoke it. They should take it to like. The doctor should smoke it right there. And be like, still good? Yeah. He just takes a huge puff and he's like. You think these bags won't hold your kids' lunch peaches?

I like the idea of the doctor treating him, like just smoking in front of him. Like, oh, is this your weed, nerd? Nerd. You want me to call the police or is this mine now? Well, I mean, there is a little bit of a finders keepers. This is my thing, though.

There was a time where he was like, I put weed in my nose two days ago and it hasn't come out. There was a time where he was like, about a week ago, two, ten days, I put a weed in my nose and it hasn't come out. If this guy isn't dealing with this problem, what? There is a stack of weird bills on my desk that I just haven't been able to get to for a little while. I know that feeling. You know the feeling? But it's not in your nose. It's not in my nose. It's not in your nose. That's the key here. You don't breathe through your bills. He's in prison.

So he doesn't have a lot of choices. He can't go to the warden and be like, I tried to smoke a weed and it hasn't come out. So he was in a situation where he had to kind of after time assume, I guess it's gone. Bury the truth. I guess it's gone. And then he truth. And then he believed the truth. He believed in them. You gotta get in there and start digging around.

Do you think he was excited when they pulled it out? He was like, oh my god, I worried about that for so long. It's $20. He's a gross pinata. The medical report showed the man had problems with his nose like chronic sinus infections and symptoms of nasal obstruction.

Well, yeah, he had nasal obstruction. Of course. If you're not snoring now. While he thought he had just ingested the weed, over the next 18 years, you were right, Ryan, he thought it just went away, 18 years, it actually turned into a rhinolith. Rhinoliths are stones that form around foreign objects

in people's nasal cavity. I thought a rhinolith was a statue of Ryan Stout in front of a comedy club. There it is. With some gems on it. Yeah. The team of doctors

said the man found out what was really going on inside his nose after he went to get treated for what he thought was a different problem. Being high all the time? Yeah.

How about being in prison? Yeah. There's your first hope. What's this lump on my face? I think he got out eventually. What's this bag under my nose? The report said the man was referred to an ear, nose, and throat specialist after a CT scan he was getting for a headache showed the spot in the nose where the rhinolith had

developed. After the rhinolith was taken out, doctors found a rubber capsule containing degenerate vegetable slash plant matter in it. According to the report, that would be the weed. There's the weed. It lasts. You put your weed in here, man. How much weed was it?

CNN said the man was questioned about it, but he remembered putting the weed in his nose when he was serving time. So the moment you get out of jail, go to a doctor. He doesn't want to go back to prison. That's not a doctor. Those aren't the same thing. That weed has been. Oh, you're saying for the weed in his nose, the doctor's going to ring him up? That weed has been in his nose so long that weed is now legal.

Yeah, it's true. You got any mushrooms up there? You're grandfathered in, buddy. You got any mushrooms up there? You're grandfathered in, buddy. The researchers say they think this is the first case of a prison-acquired marijuana-based rhinolith. I hope that's some sort of, he wins a t-shirt. Prison-acquired.

Yeah. Rhino-based. Monolith. Yes. Marijuana-based. That's my next album, everybody. Rhino-based monolith. Marijuana-based rhinolith.

Yeah. Because most people smuggle drugs through their mouths And they are later released through their Gastrointestinal tract CNN reported That three months after the surgery The man's nasal problems are completely Gone

Well isn't that nice That's a shocker We cured an ex-con I mean the truth is This is a story about knowing yourself. Right. And caring enough about yourself that you know what's going into your body. You got that weed? I think so.

I think so. It might be gone. Maybe. What do you mean it might be gone? Maybe. Like, I think when his girlfriend gave him the weed, she said, this is good weed. This is nothing to sneeze at. Jason.

At Ryan Stout. Send all your hate there. That's it. That's story number two, guys. Story number two down in the books. Can you give us a little teaser what we're going to see in the final segment? Oh, we just have a dumb person who's bored.

That to me is a good combo. I was going to say bad combo. Oh, bad combo. Good combo us. Something's going to end up on fire combo. I was going to say bad combo. Good combo us. Something's going to end up on fire. Bad combo them. Bad combo them. It's just spare time. It's the devil's idle workshop.

I don't know. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Stick around. Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We want to remind people, even though the holidays are a little in our rear view or right around us right now, upon us as we speak,

go to fluffycrate.com and you can get all Dumb People Town stuff, all Sklarbro country stuff. And for people who haven't joined the Patreon, it is a blast. We do just an episode every Monday that drops. That's just me, Jay, and Dan. Jay and I get the stories, and Dan plays along. It is such a blast to get that extra content. And there are different levels. We have friends who come and see our live shows for free.

They get a free ticket to see any live show if you're at a certain level. Lots of great stuff. You can go to Patreon.com and look up Dumb People Town and do that. Again, is it way better hearing the stories and guessing? It's a whole different level. It's fun. It's a whole different. It's just great to flip the script.

Are you guys giddy when you're like, oh, we already know what's going to happen? Giddy when you're holding. Like having weed in your nose. It's like exactly and not knowing about it. Again, I'm going to show you this. It is fantastic. It is the new Ryan Stout album. I want everyone to pick it up.

Man in the suit. If you like comedy, this will, I'm telling you, if you're not a- If you like your comedy funny, then he serves it up in a funny manner for you. Ryan Stout, Man in the Suit. Check it out on Spotify. Check it out on Apple. Wherever you get it. I don't know if it matters to people, but I self-produced it.

I know some people are really into that. That does matter. I self-produced this one and the second one. I didn't do the first one. It can't be central to that. Let this be the gateway into the other two albums that he's done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But if you want to support a great comedian, a good friend of ours,

and someone that we've always respected, you should check out Ryan Stout, Man in the Suit. Let's jump in this last story. Here we go. Sent in by Travis Bales, at the Travis Bales. He sends in good ones. This dude. Waukesha, Wisconsin.

Love it. So we've been in China. Where did the prison one? Do we know where that- Australia. Australia. Sydney. And now we're in Wisconsin.

Stephen Avery. Waukesha, right outside Milwaukee. This comes from KCRG. A security guard made a strong case for an idle mind being the devil's playground. I tried to do that. I know you did. It's a spare time. Idle hands.

Idle hands are the devil's workshop. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. Play group. No. Tools. Idle hands are the devil's workshop. It's got to be your bull. Devil hands.

Devil hands are the idle. Devil hands are Eric Idle's workshop. Idle hands. Idle devils are the hands play shop. Idle Wild is a town. Did you guys ever see? Idle is a Jewish. Dradle Wild.

Did you see Manos, Hands of Fate? Yes. That's the original. And you know where it was filmed? El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. Hands of Fate? Yes. That's the original. And you know where it was filmed? El Paso, Texas, where I grew up. Hands of Fate is the original Mystery Science Theater 3000. Yes, exactly. I never knew that you grew up in El Paso.

Jay and I were driving through El Paso one time, and we stayed downtown at one of those, like the old historic, awesome old hotel El Paso or whatever it's called. And they just totally redid the downtown. But the entire downtown was dug up. I'm like, how are people getting around? Like, dug up into

dirt roads. Yeah. Well, the secret is nobody needs to go downtown for anything. There you go. That'll do it. It just keeps spreading out. There's a Best Buy on the east side. They don't have to go downtown. We did go to Juarez. We did. Yeah, we had it. There was a bar where I guess you walk into the bar and you're in El Paso and then when you're sitting in the bar, you're in Juarez.

You go to the bathroom in Juarez. Wow. Wow. Take a shit on Juarez. What year was it? This was like 99. Mid-90s? 99.

Okay. Yeah? Yeah, you can't do that anymore. No, you couldn't do it in 2000. Right. Yeah. We finished. You just got in there.

I mean- Even the comics that would come to town, they would want to go to Juarez and drink, and the club started going, yeah, that's not a good idea. I mean, we went into the bathroom in Juarez and jammed so much weed up our noses. You're still waiting for it to come out. I think it's gone. I forgot what happened to it. Yeah.

I've had really trouble sleeping, though. All right. A security guard made a strong case for an idle mind being the devil's playground Friday morning. Yeah. Guarding a bath and body works. Perfect. Why? Because you're in Wisconsin, baby.

You got to keep that sun-ripened raspberry lotion safe. He couldn't get a job in Evelyn and Crabtree? No. A lot of people forge those 20% off coupons. They do. A lot of people try to run out with candles. Guarding a bath and Body Works. Candle thievery is a big deal.

He has to tackle five people a day. For sure. They just want them Yankees. Guarding a Bath and Body Works to the southwest of Milwaukee during an overnight shift, the man called Waukesha police for help around 2 a.m. Help me. I hope that's all he said. Sir, we need more.

You're the police? I need help. I need it from the police. It's bad. He didn't need backup. Nope. There wasn't a threat. Nope.

He had just handcuffed himself and couldn't get free. How does he work in the phone or radio? Speaker. The guard realized he left the keys at home. What is the first thing you should check before you handcuff anything? So he's handcuffing himself to stuff for fun. I think he handcuffed himself to himself. Oh, you think he just put them both on?

Let me see how these feel. 2 a.m. is when they call no no dan he had to have handcuffed himself to something why because if you just handcuffed to yourself then you get into your car at the end of the night you drive home and get the key do you think that it's not out of the realm possibility that didn't even dawn on him he's like i'm handcuffed to here now like no you're just i think he handcuffed to you know how like they hold the like the the grate goes down on Bath and Body Board? I think he handcuffed himself to that. Okay, he calls at 2 a.m. So what do you think?

So his shift has just started probably like three hours ago. Right, so when did he... 10.45? Right away, and then he tried everything he could, and then he gave up at 2. I'm going gonna solve this problem his wrist is probably bloody yeah he probably like googled uh youtube videos like oh you have to dislocate your thumb remember the woman who got out of the handcuffs like she was

naked and she this is like a story we did a long time ago naked and like slipped out of the handcuffs and just kept yes away yes so. So this guy wishes he was her. Tiny hands. He wished he had tiny hands. I also wonder what was he like, eh, I'm going to put this around here. What the? I wonder like if it was on my wrist. Like if it was on my.

And he like looks around the mall and he's like, hello? One click. Now we can go three clicks. One click. I think I go three clicks. One click. I think I could get out of one click. And then he tries to get out of the one click. And in getting out of the one click, he adds two more clicks. Now he's just sweating.

You know, he's like, all right, get the keys. He's on the phone with the police. It's pinching. It's pinching. He's yelling at himself. Don't put them on so tight, man. You are the guy. You put them on yourself.

Who are you talking to? It's going to go a lot easier if you stop resisting. Who are you talking to? Me. Me. The guard realized he left the keys at home. He'd only put the cuffs on because he was bored, police told WDJT. This guy shouldn't have cuffs.

Tell me the store got robbed. Tell me while he's cuffed the store gets robbed. There's nothing he could do about it he has to watch he's like come on guys hey put it back stop put it back or i'll yell at you that lotion you guys don't have any empathy right now for me i will yell at you from here bondage james bondage once police freed him from his own restraints he hid them from himself in order to not let temptation overcome him again. He hid them in a prisoner's nose.

This is like when you go to a restaurant and they say, please do not touch this plate. It is very hot. And your hand goes, I want to see how hot. No, come on. That is bullshit. When you're doing that,

what you're doing is like, I want to see how much of a liar this is. Well, because sometimes they say it when they have their bare hand in it to you. Right. But if you work in a kitchen long enough, you've like, my brother, man. Extremely hot plate. Extremely hot plate. Do not touch this. And your first thing, my kids

both are just like, But sometimes you have to move it and I just go palms. I'm doing like some sort of like shimmy he's like I don't trust myself not to touch the plate also don't tell that to the cops I know me yeah it's more like when the waiter puts down the hot plate and says don't touch

this but then goes but let me give it one more I'm just gonna give it let me give it ah I was right I was right or I need to go in the kitchen cause I know I'm going to touch that again. Right. I got to get away from that plate because I'm going to put my face on it. We got you out.

You good the rest of the night? Let me put these. Put them where? Let me put these somewhere where I can't touch them. Wait. Hold on. Because the keys are still at home and I know that. So you're going to hide them from yourself?

Yep. Yep. I feel like we shouldn't leave you here if you're going to just do this again. You guys go. I'll hide it from myself. But you're going to know where it is if you hide it. I'll do a good job of hiding it. I'm going to put it with the pillowcases.

Why don't we hang out for a little bit and just make sure you guys go. I got it. You know, he's also like, going to be one of you guys soon. I don't think you are. I took the test. Brothers with badges. We've all been there. I don't think you are. I took the test. Brothers with badges. We've all been there. We're not even cousins.

We're like the same. I'm like Richard Jewell. Nope. Well, maybe you are. He was a hero who got railroaded. You're on the railroad part. I don't know about the hero. I'm going to go to the academy next year.

No, you're not. Give me a recommendation. No, sir. You can go there. Now that we've met. They have days that are open to the public. met You can drive there Tell somebody you know me Don't tell anyone you know me Serve and protect

He's also like I'm glad we finally got to hang out We didn't hang out We came and rescued you from you Can I email you guys? No Join the police department's Facebook page I just love that he told them and rescued you from you. Can I email you guys? No. No. No. Join the police department's Facebook page.

I just love that he told him, I'm going to hide him from myself. We're going to be back here in an hour. Right. I like the idea that the cops just go to the car and go, we'll just sit in here. Yeah. This has become a stakeout.

We'll pull around back. It becomes a stakeout. Here's the final sentence. Because it turns out, this was not the first time he'd done this. No! Jesus. And he's not fired.

Handcuff myself to a wall. Shame on me. That handcuff myself to a wall twice. Also shame on me. Shame on me. It's my fault. Yeah. Only once again. Isn't that great?

So great. I want to meet him a little bit. I really... If you're out there... Who keeps employing him? What's his name again? They don't say. They don't say.

You know who was from Wisconsin? Hmm. Houdini. Was he really? The guy who- It's Eric Weiss. He would handcuff himself all the time. He's got a lot of fans in the area.

It's true. I'd say he's still there. Not so much on the, not good at it, but he's still doing it. He's still doing his job. The tradition's carrying on. Can Houdini the, not good at it, but he's still doing it. Still doing his job. The tradition's carrying on. Can Houdini be like the new Houdat? It could be. Houdini.

New phone, Houdini. That's good. Thank you. There you go. That's it. That's Dumpy. That's Dumpy. Those were three good ones.

That was inescapable dumb. Yeah, we couldn't escape it, and we knew we were going to come right back to it. That's the way we do it. Thank you guys for listening. Pick up Ryan Stout's album, Man in the Suit. We know we are going to listen to it. Hope you guys have a great holiday season, and oh shit, we've got to get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Dunk it down. It's Dumb People Town.

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