Dumb People Town - Sam Morril - The Couple Thats Petty Together, Stays Together

Episode Date: October 12, 2021

This week Sam Morril comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a "classic" Florida man theft. For the second story, a couple gets an unexpected invoice. Final story, Omaha man stabs himself.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U. Population Murrell. Sam Murrell. Welcome back to the show, buddy. How are you? Thanks for having me, man. I'm all right. I'm in your hometown right now. That's right. You're in St. Louis. Rochelle? No. Dan said St. Louis. There's no comedy club in Rochelle, Illinois. Well, someday I have my dream. Someday there might be, but we just got to hang with you at the Moon Tower Comedy Festival. I watched

your set at Antone's was so good freaking good so good and we're gonna give you i mean we're just obviously we're fans of yours it takes a lot for us to sit and watch someone else's comedy i'm just like you guys do like homework yes it does a little except unless it's funny unless it's people we like you know you were great thank you man thanks for coming to that show that was a fun one really fun and i know we'll talk about this later but you have a movie that's out on YouTube right now called Full Capacity, which I watched, which I loved. We'll get into it later.

I'm just learning about it. But you're in. Well, you can watch it because you've lived it in a sense, Dan. It's about comedy coming back in New York City after the pandemic and what comics have had to go through and the emotions. It's a great time stamp on an unbelievable moment in history. Exactly. We'll talk about that later. And for our patreon fans there's one moment in there's one scene in there that i watched that i want to really talk about we'll get into the scene of the guy the homeless don't say don't know it's crazy during an interview

you don't know that might be his fetish fine we'll talk about that later but uh but first you're in st louis in our hometown and it hasn't been going great for you so far well yeah i'm with my buddy gary veder and uh we gary's a great comic we do the road together a lot and uh we check into this hotel some of these hotels were better before the pandemic yeah also my girlfriend's texting me she's like if you you've been on the road a long time if you notice a hotel is bad you have such a low bar yeah so gary had like pubes on his bed and he was like i got uh hairs on my bed and i was like we should change rooms my room was terrible i changed rooms then we were both like this is pretty horrible there's like batteries

in the pillow for so there's like hard things in the pillow i'm like i can't sleep here were you in a boy's prison what's happening i don't know what the hell it was it was crazy then last night i'm in the club and uh i'm about to go on and i uh i'm in the green room bathroom and i'm peeing and i lock the door i don't even know why i locked them the only one in there it's there. It's just instinct. I can't get out. The door is stuck. I hear Gary wrapping up his set. I'm like, I'm not going to be on stage. I'm like, what do I do?

I text the manager. I text everyone there whose numbers I have. They're like, oh shit, this happened before. They're trying to get me out of the bathroom. They can't do it either. Oh my God. So Gary brings me on stage, and I ain't there. So he's like, all right, I guess I'll keep performing.

Oh, my God. It gets to the point where I say, I'm kicking the door down. And the guy was like, all right. I was like, just get out of the way. So I kick the door. I kick the handle off. So you bust down the door, and the first thing you say on stage is i'm sorry i've been locked in a bathroom you and our yeah and i just start riffing on it and and i was like i better not get invoice for a fucking door you know but uh you will see you know you will not there is not a

world in which it was the funny bone if it was the funny it was the funny it wasn't funny but it was helium but it was the funny bone you it wasn't the Funny Bone. It was Helium. But it was the Funny Bone, you're getting invoiced for that fucking door. I don't even think the Funny Bone has a green room, though. I think I'm safe there. If it's Funny Bone, you're getting invoiced for parking. Yes. True.

And it's a free lot. I played the Funny Bone. They were always real cool to me. They're not great. But anyway. Wait. So what was the amount of time from oh shit sam's supposed to be out here to the time you got out there would you say i'm sure it

felt like an hour probably like 90 seconds and still not that long still feels like eternity if you don't walk out on stage when the person is like ladies and gentlemen sam baril it is it feels like a lifetime like it only happened one other time this pandemic i was in atlantic city with my friend anthony devito and i i had like a tall vodka soda yep and i i just misstepped on the way out and i spilled the vodka on myself so i looked really drunk the fact that i came out late and the fact that I spilled vodka on myself. That's always a great way to start. Then I had a riff miss out of the gate and they were like,

he's drunk. I was like, I'm not that drunk. I'm not that drunk. Guys, there's just three coincidental things that happened in a row. Then I pissed my pants just by coincidence. Guys, this is all coincidence. Did you want me to go to the bathroom and then not be able to come out of the door?

I'm here. I just carried it on stage. This is so funny. All right, let's jump into a story because we've got Sam here. Let's just jump into it. Here we go. This was sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH3K. I'm a Hiltner honors member.

Have you stayed at a Hiltner? It's a great hotel. You should be staying at a Hiltner. Yeah. It's the word three, not the number. So at EJH3K. Headline is this. Florida man steals from dealership, crashes, pretends.

Wait, what? That's all I got for you. Crashes and then pretends that he didn't crash the car? So, you steal a car from a dealership. A Florida man has been arrested after stealing multiple sets of keys from an auto dealership and chose to drive off. Now, remember, he's in an auto dealership. He's broken in.

But he chooses to drive off in a 2005 GMC Sierra pickup truck. You have a whole pick. You could get whatever you wanted. You could get whatever you want. That's a 16-year-old car, Sam. I can't drive. Oh, you can't drive? I would only steal.

I would never steal a car. It's funny. I see people bragging about cars. I'm Oh, you can't drive? I would only steal. I would never steal a car. It's funny. I see people bragging about cars. I'm like, it doesn't. I can't ride a bike. Sam, I was going to ask you. Sorry, this is a dumb question. Have you ever driven a go-kart?

Yeah. But you can handle that, obviously. Yeah, but that just doesn't feel real. I just wonder what it feels like to drive a go-kart. But I guess I was a kid and drove a go-kart and had no idea how to drive a go-kart. That's not real. My daughter's 16, and she has no desire whatsoever to try and get her license. Or a GMC Sierra.

She has no desire to break into a dealership and steal keys and do it. But I mean, I'm like, yeah, maybe she'll grow up like Sam and never drive. She might not have to. West Coast never driving, that's a bold. What's her plan? I don't know, man. I'm like, I'll take you. Norm MacDonald.

She could be like Norm and die early. Fired from SNL. And die early. Police responded Friday to a burglary report at LG Auto Sales. So maybe just the name alone. Auto Sales usually means used cars. So maybe the 2005 was the pick of the litter yeah maybe that's the newest car they have everything else was just a

saturn yeah uh lg auto sales located in boynton beach where the suspect identified as gino puglisi allegedly stole a laundry list of property from the dealership so here's my question sam if you are in florida and you own a car or any business in Florida, shouldn't there be dumb insurance? You get a certain umbrella of there's some crazy shit that's probably going to happen here. This has got to fall under my crazy shit that's going to happen here. Victim of crime insurance. Which I'm sure they have, but it's more specific to Florida. But Florida's got to have another layer of it.

Right, exactly. insurance which i'm sure they have but i mean it's more specific to like florida's gonna have another layer right exactly woman gives birth to baby and also starts shooting out the tires of thing i have a policy for that somebody just sets your windows on fire there's a policy for that absolutely there should be a policy like maybe my kid murders his girlfriend and dog the bounty hunter comes after there should be a policy gotta I wonder, and where did that story come from? Yeah. All right. According to Boynton Beach Police, Puglisi allegedly made off with a 45-inch Samsung TV. Oh, from the dealership.

Yes. Two Dell laptops. By the way, why is it that every car dealership is showing a movie from 1998? They can't get anything newer in the waiting area. It's all Armageddon. Hey, Con Air is playing on. I would watch it, though. I mean, fine, but two Dell laptops.

Those are worth less than the energy to carry them around. Like a Dell. I like being stuck in the 90s, man. It was a better time. Yeah, this guy's trying to recapture some time he lost. Two Dell laptops, $3,000 worth of wrenches, screwdrivers, and pliers. I mean, that's valuable stuff. Along with, just for fun, I'm going to ask you guys, how many sets of keys?

Okay. Now, he stole a bunch of keys, but he only took one car. Yes. He only needed one for the GMC. Right, but then you steal the other keys, and it's like, well, is he going to come back and steal another car? Because he could just go through and just bleep, bleep all over the place and try and get the car later.

You should take him to one of those sex parties where you pull the keys out. Yes. He gets to bang so many wives. I know. You've got to find the Pontiac Aztec of your dreams at this party. 1998. Pontiac Aztec. How many keys, Sam, do you think he stole?

How many sets of keys do you think he stole? I'm going to go 22. 22. Love that number. I'm going to say 14 sets of keys. 14? 11. He stole 60 sets of keys.

Whoa! Which kind of makes you feel like that's what he was there for. Just to steal keys. If this were the Price is Right, I won, but I don't even feel like a winner because I was so far off. We're so far off.

60 sets of keys. Jeez. Does this guy feel like a winner? Or he's on My Strange Addiction. Why do you have to do with that many keys? Maybe you like the idea of your pants almost falling down

because you know he put like 30 in one pocket and 30 in the other pocket and your pants were like just hanging down. So he stole $3, dollars worth of wrenches and screwdrivers and pliers where did he put those a 45 inch in the truck in the back of the 45 inch samsung tv two dell laptops with 60 sets of keys two dell laptops market value 30 bucks i feel like i'm in a white trash 12 days of christmas song 60 sets of keys and a GMC Sierra truck all valued at how much money?

So there we go, Sam. Now, how much money? You know it's over $3,000. With the cars included? Yes, with the truck included. Truck included. 2005 Sierra. Do you think this was how he figured the deal he was getting?

Look, out the door. We'll throw in the truck. You get the TV. You get 60 sets of keys. I'll give you two deals. You got to carry them, though. I don't know. With 60 cars?

60 keys. Just sets of keys. By the way, the Dell. I don't know. What are we doing? Four grand? Five grand? Five grand.

All right. The Dell laptops. But you're also including, okay, 60 sets of keys. $3,000 TV. So you already know you're at $3,000 for the wrenches. At least three. Oh, for the wrenches, yeah. Then the TV. But we're just talking the keys,3,000 for the wrenches. At least three. Oh, for the wrenches, yeah. Then the TV.

Uh-huh. We're just talking the keys, not the cars, right? No, we're talking everything. Car and keys. I'm going to run down the list. Oh, we're including the cars. Here's the list. You tell me how much it is.

He didn't steal 60 cars. He only stole one car, but he sold 60 sets of keys, which means that you can't drive And let me just be clear that the Dell laptops each come with computer bags where the strap is broken. Yes. Leather, leather. Okay, I'm going to run the list down for you one time, and then you guys tell me how much bags where the strap is broken. Leather, leather. Okay, I'm going to run the list down for you one time, and then you guys tell me how much you think all this is valued.

This is everything he stole. A 45-inch Samsung TV. Yes. Two Dell laptops. That 45-inch, that's like $400 probably. Those aren't expensive anymore. Not at all. 35-inch is so small.

That's a Black Friday deal you get for $60. Yeah. Okay, 45-inch Samsung TV. Yep. Two Dell Tops. Yep. Dell Tops. Dell Topos.

$3,000 worth of wrenches, screwdrivers, and pliers. So you know you're in for $3,000. The floor is $3,000. 60 sets of keys and a 2005 GMC Sierra truck. How much do you think all of that together- All in, Sam. What is valued at? So this is, I'm guessing, I'm adding up 60 cars. How much do you think all of that together is valued at? All in, Sam. What do you think? So this is, I'm guessing, I'm adding up 60 cars.

You're in the showcase showdown. He didn't steal the cars. He just stole the keys. Okay, well, then I'm going like $7,500. I'm going $7,000. I'm going to say $11,000. Okay. $13,126.

Okay. The total cost of all these things? I can't. Or value? Uh-huh. $36,500. Whoa! Now that is overpriced. Jesus.

Are they saying each key because of the fob is like $500? Probably. And the truck, what's a DMCC? That can't be more than $17,000 for a 2005 truck. I don't know. Maybe those Dell computers were like big desktop computers. Here's where it gets fun. Police later spotted

the stolen truck at around 12.50 p.m. on Friday, which I assume is the next day, afternoon. He's out running errands. Yeah, just running around. An officer allegedly tried to flag down Puglisi,

which is not pull him over, just wave him over. Hey, buddy. Come on over here, bud. Hey, man. Come here for a second. Tries to flag him down. The man kept driving.

Of course. Police say that- And he's going to say he didn't see him. Tries to flag him down. The man kept driving. Of course. Police say that. And he's going to say he didn't see him. You didn't see the cop. Police say that a pursuit ended until it was called off because Puglisi continued at a high rate of speed. The man then crashed the truck into an office building, fled the scene, and was taken into custody. This is where it gets real fun, dumb people town. It was taken into custody by police after he was found

pretending to be grilling on a porch at a nearby apartment. That is just improv yes and. Do you think he runs up to these people's house? He's like, let me blend in, let me blend in, let me blend in. Just grabs an apron, grabs whatever. What's going on over there? Hey, did you guys hear that crash in that office building? You get a set of keys. You get a set of keys you get a set of keys dude that is pretending pretending to be grilling is just my

favorite thing that this guy did the entire time right it's like a stepdad at a party he doesn't want to be at he's like i'm gonna go over here and pretend to grill's not even on there's nothing on it he's just motioning like i gotta turn that little yeah i love it okay jesus he refused to talk to officers about the incident after he was arrested and is now facing charges of burglary, grand theft auto of a motor vehicle, and criminal mischief. That's got to be for pretending to grill. I love it. Pretending to grill.

I will ask you guys. Mischief is such a fun term. Isn't it? You are guilty of mischief. You just sound like kind of a fun guy. Yeah. Licensed to grill. There you go.

That's great. Thank you. How old is Gino Puglisi? The Feasty Boys. And I'm going to show you a picture after you guess. So here's what you know about him. He'll steal a lot of keys. He wants two Dell laptops.

He's good with a 2005 truck. That makes him happy. 53. And he likes to pretend. 53. Okay, 53. Okay, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 38. 38, happy. 53. And he likes to pretend. You say 53. Okay, 53. Okay, Jay, what do you think? I'm going to say 38.

38, okay. 58. 58. Yeah. All right, one of you is only one year off. All right, so I'm going to say 57. So you all get the chance to go up or down a year. You're going to go 57, Randy?

I say 57. 39. 39. Sam? 55. You can't go up two. You're only going up one. Oh, wait.

What did I say? 53. 53. So 54. 54. Okay. Gino Puglisi is 52 years old. Look at him.

Look at this guy. That's him in his truck. He's living his best life. He just wants to pretend to grill. He is cheek bump. He's got sad eyes right there. I don't know if this will land for you guys, but he looks like an old Dobby from the Harry Potter movies.

That's right. He does. Look at that guy. Oh, I like him. You do? I mean, I want to take him home. Kind of. Mom, can we keep him?

Can we keep him? He's grilling outside. Can we keep him? He's really good at pretend. He does look like one of the early concept drawings for a mogwai. He looks kind of like a pencil. Like a human pencil. He looks kind of like a gentle little fella.

I feel for him. He looks like a Rick and Morty character to scale. Yeah, this looks animated at this point. Yes, he is animated. He does look like a pencil, and like a pencil, he'd like to erase everything he's done in the last year. Okay, that's story number one. Story number one down the book. He looks like he wears prison clothes out in the world.

Yeah, he wears it well. Yes. This dude, he was built for this type of... Look at that. Like his V-necks need to go down. He needs to show like a little cleavage. He was designed for that neckline. I bet he loves a Captain and Coke.

He's got cheekbones, too. For days. For days, bro. He's a model. Yeah. All right, that's story number one he's like the surface of the moon very rocky

alright there you go story number one we come back after the break we're going to talk about Full Capacity the documentary that Sam Morrell did that is on YouTube

you can watch it if you love comedy and you love the idea that comedy is back just figure out how it got back during the pandemic we'll talk about that on the other side of the break.

This is Dumb People Town. Don't forget. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town. Before we get into Sam's awesome movie, we want to mention to you guys that Randy and I will be in Ann Arbor, Michigan.

Yeah, you will. At a comedy club that we help say Ann Arbor comedy showcase October 22nd 23rd we got three shows scheduled now but I'd love to add a fourth on that late Friday night just spoke to Roger and he's like if we can do it let's do it so get your tickets now and then the next month will be at the croc in in Seattle at the crocodile very excited I haven't done that club yet. December Tempe Improv. And then maybe Denver Comedy Works in January. Then the Comedy Loft in D.C. in February. Then Hilarity's in Cleveland in March. So full things.

And then back at Moon Tower. Supersclars.com. Dan, I know you've got stuff coming up too. Yeah, the Halloween episode show of Bingo uh super fun flair to it we raise money for no kalina mussel shelters big brothers big sisters and food banks plus we have a lot of fun and we do a movie club as well where you watch a movie and then we get together and talk about it we're doing babadook we're doing hocus pocus until uh my tour kicks back up in march hopefully all that stuff is at danielvancurk.com and also uh i have a patreon uh patreon.com slash daniel

vancurk where you have perks for every single one of those shows that I do. Plus, I still do episodes of The Good Night Show on there, and you have access to The Hindsight, which you guys both did, The Hindsight podcast as well. It's only five bucks for every single thing that I do. Same with our Patreon. All right, let's talk about the YouTube movie because I watched it, and it was, you know, we lived it out here in Los Angeles. You know, we lived it out here in Los Angeles. And just the idea, the notion of coming back and doing comedy in front of audiences when we hadn't for so long, full capacity. You know, it to me seemed like, I don't know how it started. It to me feels like the most organic movie ever is just you sitting around with your friends being like, how are you feeling right now?

And then you're like, this is a movie. Yeah, man. You know, I did that rooftop special my friend matt salicus who directed that was just following me around and he started just filming yeah me talking to people and it yeah that's just really what happened we realized how many of these people i hadn't seen in a year how many of them uh were kind of a little messed up had some ptsd from this last year yeah them hadn't worked in forever. So many people were scared to get back on stage.

You were seeing a lot of pretty respected comics who felt pretty damn rusty. I mean, even hearing guys like Ray Romano be like, I'm scared, it's pretty damn vulnerable. So we got some great stuff in the doc. And it's just, there was like first of all the footage is great because it really documents what it was like and we were feeling it out here we getting back on stage at the comedy store and you know you get back up there and you're like man this is

the there was a period of time where there couldn't be audience in the first two rows so they're just way back there i know you guys had like the plexiglass. Is this a comedy stage or a bank or like a KFC in a rough neighborhood? There were shows on trains in New York. I mean, talk about a hostage gig. That's brutal, right? That's the worst thing. I get furious when I see a dance troupe come on,

so I can't imagine someone being like, laugh. Yeah, listen to my premise yeah i remember doing those gigs i used to do these hostage gigs where you or we call the mambo shows as you guys know yeah you get up there at some restaurant and they don't know there's going to be a show no clue eating dinner and we're like you guys ready for comedy and they're all like no we're on a date and then you're like you're like what what's your fucking problem they're like i'm talking to my mom what do you mean like yeah we just pissed people off you know it's just yeah that's the last thing like comedy what we realized in many ways and and this speaks to it we we often say this to people comedy and getting it right is like summiting

everest you know all the conditions have to be perfect and even then there could be like a wispy cloud and you can die yeah you'll lose somebody a wispy cloud off in the distance can just come and that's a bachelorette party just coming in to ruin your show for sure i mean and these were such bad conditions you know i mean we talked about the plexiglass and on stage bobby kelly there's a moment in the uh in the doc where he talks about telling fat jokes while having to look at himself. Himself in the plexiglass. So he's like, I'm looking at my neck jiggle as I'm telling these fat jokes. You know, it's like, and we all, it's weird that it's just a piece of plexiglass, but it really hurts the connection of the crowd. It was 30% full at first, which for the comedy seller just feels weird.

Even though that was technically capacity, people look around and they're just like, this isn't full. And also these people haven't been out in a while. So I think a lot of people just didn't respect the show as much. They forgot how to behave. So we kind of track that all the way to the full capacity when it's people on top of each other again. And it's pretty crazy, just the transition of it all we had i had the feeling in la specifically at the comedy store in the main room that like the people that were there and now especially they're so happy to be at a show there is just this genuine i don't know it's like i it's

hard to describe except when we walk out on stage i can sense this like there's a thank you from the audience being like thank you for doing this and giving us this experience kind of an appreciation that they're even out in the first place that maybe it took a year and a half year and three quarters to get to that place but are you feeling that on stage in New York right now? Well, the truth is I haven't done a ton of sets in New York lately. I've been on the road every week. But yeah, I mean, I definitely feel good energy from New York crowds. It's a different crowd than it was before the pandemic. I think a lot of people left New York. A lot of these crowds of the cellar feel a little younger. Buthuh um but i mean yeah i did gotham on uh

tuesday night and you know i followed jim gaff again like you know he was crushing joe list went on after me was crushing i mean it's like good comedians yeah going on these shows and they're seeing great shows and the crowds have been killer you know and i felt like in and i know you said this about the high plains in denver the audiences there were just amazing but i felt like in, and I know you said this about the High Plains in Denver, the audiences there were just amazing. But I felt like in Austin, you know, we've been doing that festival every year, but those audiences were so stoked to be there. There was not a bad set in that whole time. No, no.

And there's a feeling of, and this is what we say, sometimes we will say like, well, what do we really do? I mean, we don't make anything. We just get on stage like the knock on america's we're not making any physical things anymore but i think the value of a good experience or a joke that stays with people for a long time or a concept or a bit that someone retells and brings them joy even if they just remember it when they're in the shower the next day the joy that comedians bring is this thing

this experience when we had experiences taken away from us which is really what your movie's about for a year year and a half it's like the experience oh shit we need these experiences these are just as important in our lives as like a new pair of shoes or a whatever the fuck we need in our lives you know what i'm saying yeah i mean i've also ruined a lot of nights for people oh i'm sure myself too hard on the back i've definitely uh i've definitely sent some people to the door like not for me yeah thank you that one was too dark i'm sorry i can't show you know i mean yeah you're right i mean i i'm in st louis the crowd last night was great like there is an energy of people that are uh you know there is i don't want to say grateful because that sounds so excited

like weird like they're grateful to laugh again it feels like we're like you know it's good to laugh like we're in the ER yeah and we're saving lives like I don't I don't know about that but I do feel like yeah they they missed this there's there's something how many episodes of Queen's Gambit can you watch before you're like I want to see a person right only 50 i want live entertainment so that's right i think people are going to feel it with this i think you feel it at live sporting events i think they like being part of a group because i mean i used to love to go see a comedy in a crowded theater and they just don't make that many big comedies anymore how does it make that many big right comedies but there's something about laughing in a room with a bunch of people and sharing that.

That's fun. That's the audience experience that is that you can't even – yeah. Like there's the group experience of like remember that night we saw this guy here or this woman perform here. It's just whatever. I love the movie, full capacity. People can watch it on YouTube, leave a nice comment, like it. You can't subscribe to it. Or is it on your page

or how do we... Yeah, it's on my YouTube channel. It's just Sam Morrell. YouTube.com slash Sam Morrell. M-O-R-R-I-L. Give him a follow and watch the movie and give it a comment. I love it. So good. If you love comedy like people who are listening to the show, you'll love it. Alright, let's hop into

another story. Ready for this? Yep. Sent in by Kyle Andrews at Late Night Nachos. Love that handle. Love that handle love a good handle so uh thanks kyle for sending this in you can do that too just go to uh twitter at daniel van kirk hashtag dumb people town and then put in the link in the headline i wonder if kyle is that way like you feel great when you hang out with him and then afterwards you're like i shouldn't have done that oh god man he is late night nachos oh god that was a bad call anytime Anytime nachos. After the fact with Kyle, man. Damn. All right, here's the headline.

Ready? Newlyweds send invoice to guests who RSVP'd yes, but didn't show up to wedding. I love this. You're on this board? I did not know where you got. Sam, where are you on invoicing people who no show your wedding? I mean, I guess it's fair. I i don't know that's a tough one i i i'm not married so i i guess i right cause i have a ton of money to a ton of money and then if you sort of so

you're saying they rsvp'd yes and then so they ordered the meal so you ordered the meal yes so they rsvp'd yes said we'll have the meat we'll have the chicken i mean we'll have the steak what's the reason do they give a reason or it's just a no show we'll go into it an american couple is going viral for drawing up an invoice for a guest who rsvp'd yes to their wedding but didn't show up on the big day doug say it's a family member because like if it's a shitty family no it's a friend i think well former former friend d Doug and Deidre recently tied the knot at Royalton Negril Resort and Spa in

Jamaica. Whoa, whoa, whoa. It was in Jamaica? No, fuck them. Agreed. I'm with you, dude. Destination wedding, eat shit. I know. The wedding is for you.

That's right. Out of the the gate if you're like our weddings in jamaica then they kind of suck but they're saying they said they were gonna be there my feeling is this if you invite a hundred people to your wedding you're spending a hundred dollar people wedding that's now if 96 show up you still also like a hundred person wedding it doesn't expect three people to be like my husband had a boil on his ass and couldn't sit on a plane so we have to cancel you know what i mean like that's gonna happen factor it in factor it in i'm with you dude what and what like they probably had to pay for a flight still right or did they i don't know what happened i mean if these people paid for their flight, then yeah, you should get your money back. But if it's just you paid for like a meal and they booked the plane tickets to Jamaica, then you know.

Yeah. But when the two guests failed to show, the bride and groom decided to invoice them for the money they wasted. That would be the bride and groom. And the move has divided social media users in a fierce debate. Of course it has. Of course. The Huffington Post editor, Philip Lewis, shared a photo of the invoice, which has gone viral this week.

How much? I don't. We're going to do it. We're going to do it. We're going to guess. I don't think I've ever seen a wedding reception invoice before, LOL, he wrote. Doug and Deidre formatted an official-looking invoice for expenditures listing wedding reception dinner no-show.

Wow. So it's like a service industry. No call, no show. Wow. So it's like a service industry. No hall, no show. Sure. As the only line item. That's the only line item. That's it. Wedding, reception, dinner, no show.

You didn't charge them for entertainment? Yes. Like you guys, service fee? Okay. The two units for a no show to dinner brought the total bill to how much money? How much do you guys think it was worth it for Doug and Deidre to go, fuck them, I'm going to write up an invoice.

I'm going to create an invoice. Create an invoice. It's number one. How much did they charge? It's just dinner, though? It's just dinner. Two. So whatever your number is, think of that by two.

I'm going to guess. I mean, this might be conservative, but $1,300? $1,300 for dinner. Just dinner. As your friend Sam, let me tell you, that's way too much. That's way high. That's way high. Okay, well, I mean, that's what I'm thinking would require an invoice.

All right, fine. I'll lower it. Let's say $800. Okay. Jay, what do you say? That's still way high. I'm going to say $140. So $70 a plate.

$70 a plate. Okay. That's it? I think $240. $240? $70 a plate. $70 a plate. Okay. That's it? I think $240. $240? $120 a plate. Okay. Okay.

See, I don't even know what wedding's called. Do you want to adjust? Go feel free. You can adjust. He's not given the answer yet. All right. Let me lower it then. I'll go $450.

Okay. So $225 a plate. Okay. I'm saying $70 a plate. Okay. Randy's saying $110. $120 a plate. Okay. So $2.25 a plate. Okay. I'm saying $70 a plate. Okay. Randy's saying $1.10. $1.20 a plate. Okay.

One of you is exactly right. Oh! Now we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right? You can stick with yourself, or you can go with somebody else's number. Sam. I got to stick with myself. Yeah.

I'm sticking with me. I'm staying with myself. I feel so. We're all and put. Okay. The total bill, the total invoice for two dinners at this wedding in Jamaica. That they sent. Is $240.

Oh, Randy. Nice. Way to go, man. Geez. How many times have you been married, bro? Once. No, but he just got done with the bat mitzvah. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. It's expensive. $120 each. Okay. And now here is, I'm going to bring it up for you guys. This is the invoice that they actually sent out to them. So that's the tweet. And then you can see under it, it says,

Doug and Deidre at wedding reception. Invoice. No call. No show. Invoice number 0000001. Which is another little bit of shaky way to do that invoice date due date they're giving them one month so it's it's a reason i went so high is because i'm just like well why you're going to invoice over this just don't talk to him ever

again this tells you who these people are right they're like we want so we want them to not talk to us ever so if the goal is the money shouldn't matter to you because you overspend on a wedding anyway and 240 getting lost in the wash is like somebody ordering two more bottles of champagne at the end of the night especially when usually at a wedding they this is a play of a lot of bankrolls i know from all my friends being married yeah well they'll you you have the room until midnight right and then they'll come up to you and they'll go, do you want it for another hour?

And the bar? Because it's this. And most of the time, it's somebody's uncle or dad or whatever. And they're like, fuck it. Two grand? Fuck it. I'll do it. Take it.

So for $240 is nothing. So what would have been better? That's what I'm saying. Just never talk to them again. Or what would have been better, if you want to publicly shame them and get a viral moment, I think you take a photograph of the two meals. Empty meals.

And then you photograph of their reply to the reception that they'll be there. And then you say, these guys finked out on this. And these guys suck. And here are their handles. Public shame. Yes. This is a public shame backfire. Because these people look like idiots.

Thank you. I hate the fucking public shaming shit just fucking just to stop talking hey here's a text like why is this being leaked right right here's the here's the notes on the invoice because you made an invoice that's why it's being leaked they actually wrote this on it this invoice is being sent to you because you confirmed seat seats at the wedding reception during the final head count. The amount above is the cost of your individual seats. Because you didn't call or give us proper notice that you wouldn't be in attendance,

this amount is what you owe us for paying for your seats in advance. You can pay via Zelle or PayPal. Please reach out to us and let us know which method of payment works for you. Thank you. What if this was an ad for Zelle? You know what I mean? I've seen a lot of ads for Zelle in the sporting events. I mean, it's a way to get them out there. It's Zelle.

No Venmo either, huh? No. No cash app. Making it tough. Making it tough. They don't trust that. But PayPal. That's just.

The invoice has earned mixed reactions with some people furiously slamming the couple for being tacky and petty. Right. But the couple that's petty together usually stays together. Oh, for sure. They never turn on each other. Just ask Tom Petty. Or if they do, that divorce is going to have a lot of invoices.

A lot of invoices. The invoices for that divorce are going to be insane. I bought four oranges. You ate one orange. Because you ate that orange without asking. You can zell me. Here's what some people had to say. I understand.

This is people, of course, on the internet. I understand being upset about a no-show guest for a small wedding, but sending an invoice is too much. One person wrote, nah, this is petty. You create a budget for any event in advance. Either you can afford it if everyone shows up or not. Damn, that's what you said. No shows at a wedding might be personally hurtful, but the guests don't owe you shit.

So I'm going to go back to what Sam said. This should have been a text because once you put an invoice out there, now everyone can have an opinion on it. Now you've invited all these idiots to start weighing in. I don't want to know your stupid opinion about this thing. Shut the fuck up. Some people are like, you don't know what's going on in somebody else's life. Maybe

there was a car accident or a family emergency. Someone's like, let me weigh in on this. They're going to want to know what I think. This is someone in their life that they've had problems with in the past. Yes, that's right. I definitely think they're like, okay, now's the time to really put the claims down. Let's go public on this one. Some commenters were right behind the couple with a few wishing they'd pulled the same thing. One person wrote, I don't care what people say.

I wish we would have done this. You know how much money we wasted on no shows? It's pure disrespect. That's why I tell everybody, come to Rochelle, Illinois, and just have a goddamn buffet at your wedding. That's it. But here's my thing. You're not even. Dan.

It's just troughs of food. So I don't understand this. I'm going to call bullshit on this a little bit because if this is a destination wedding, okay, your guests don't get their day off. Yes. All right? They get there the night before, especially Jamaica. Sometimes more than that. Two nights before?

I mean, there's usually an event the night before some rehearsal dinner the whatever then there's a thing that day if you don't see those people there the night before or day of you shoot a text and you say hey are you guys coming because we don't see you here and if they come back and say no we're not coming then you say assholes you should have let us know. You let the kitchen know. You say, hey, we're canceling these two things. Take these off the bill. These two people aren't coming. And you don't pay for it. So that's kind of on them.

They probably texted them and they didn't reply. So if they did. And that's why they went public with it. Sam, you hit the bell. But how much do you think a trip to Jamaica like you said you get in the night before or more 300 bucks round trip how much do you think this is costing a guest at least a few thousand dollars

that's what I'm saying plus a gift and a hotel accommodation yeah please you're asking for 5k minimum right sorry we'll take the invoice Sam hit the nail on the head this is the last thing we wrote and i think this person's right and i think sam was exactly right this is what

the this person said and we'll get out of here on this everyone knows they don't actually want the 240 right they said if you were throwing a destination wedding at the resort of one of the most beautiful beaches on earth it's certainly not about the money this is a public fuck off friendship over notice to a friend. That's it. It's an invoice. You're sending this to say, let's never talk again. But I like saying it.

It's just like, just don't ever talk again. Send a text or don't do it. Yeah. Some people like to do it publicly. All right, there you go. I hope it's a co-worker. That's story number two. You didn't get enough attention at your fucking Jamaica wedding?

You have to get more attention? I'm sorry. You could have sent the invoice from under a waterfall. Give us a little taste of what we're going to hear in segment three. It's like a hat on a hat on a hat, but with a knife. I can't wait. And we all know about gilding the lily too much in the comedy world. And when we come

back, our Patreon fans, we're going to have a quick little convo about a great moment in Sam's movie. Don't go anywhere. And if you're not a part of the Patreon, you better join it. Good stuff happening. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. And if you're not a part of the Patreon, you better join it. Good stuff happening. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town.

Alright, Daniel. Take us home. Here we go. This is short, but it's a ride. I love it. I'll take it short. It's also one of those where I've said it a lot, but I say it when it applies. We only need the headline. Okay, let's a ride. I love it. I'll take a short ride. It's also one of those where, and I've said it a lot, but I say it when it applies, we only need the headline. Okay, let's hear it. Omaha man stabs himself in the leg while driving, holding knife, and eating Taco Bell.

First of all, there is nothing at Taco Bell you need a knife for. Right. So you've heard of Omaha Steaks. This is an Omaha mistake. There you go. Wait, hang on a second. Who needs a knife with a taco? Is this the type of guy that takes a napkin and tucks it in the top of his shirt when he eats a chalupa?

I actually skipped a part. Omaha man stabs himself in the leg while driving on the phone with friend holding knife and eating Taco Bell. Wait, how do you do that? I guess he's hands-free on the phone. Yeah, because you need the gordita in one, right? What kind of knife are we talking? I think it might be like a crocodile Dundee

knife. There's no... Do you think they even have knives at Taco Bell? That's not... Even in the kitchen, do you think there's a knife? No. I bet there is not one knife at Taco Bell. At Chipotle, they make you believe there are knives. No, there is, because they're cutting the chicken and stuff right after. I'm saying in the kitchen.

Dan, if nobody ever has been, who's like, I work at Taco Bell in the kitchen, nobody has ever said to them, how are your knife skills? Well, I'm sure everything in the Taco Bell, when they're like, on training, it's like, open this bag and pour it on this. Squeeze this shit out of a hose. And then you've got a Crunchy Wrap Supreme. Maybe he was just trying to show his friend how many ways he could hurt himself at once. That's right.

Driving, talking on the phone, eating Taco Bell. That's like the human version of too many apps open. You're overloading it. Close some of that. Close it. Oh, by the way, this was sent in by Katie Romi at KRomi32. R-O-M-I-K-E-Y. Thanks, Katie.

That might be the first time Katie's ever sent in. Hey-o. All right. Traffic safety officials always say you shouldn't drive while distracted. More specifically, you shouldn't drive while talking to your friend on the phone, eating Taco Bell, and holding a knife. By the way, this is something Sam Rill will never do. No. Because he does not drive.

He does not drive. This is reason number 50. I was going to say he probably doesn't eat Taco Bell. I bet you don't. Unfortunately. Some of that Taco Bell sauce is pretty good. You'll party with that. All right.

Unfortunately, an Omaha man did that Thursday night and inadvertently stabbed himself in the leg. The man had picked up some food at Taco Bell near 38 and Dodge Street. This is in Omaha. Because when you think about it, there's no better place to eat Mexican food than Omaha, Nebraska. Just before 2 a.m. So that's fourth meal. That's the window.

Yes. He's in the window. At least he's in. It's not like it's 515. At least he's eating it at the right time. Yes. So we know alcohol had something to do with it. Taco Bell should really just be open from midnight on.

A hundred percent. A hundred percent. What are your hours? Midnight to four. No. What are your hours? Dark. Dark time.

For you and for us. Taco Bell cantinas. Have you seen those? Yes. It's just alcohol. Oh, shit. Are you serious? Yes.

The man picked up some food at Taco Bell near 38 and Dodd Street just before 2 a.m. Thursday and was on his way to give some to his girlfriend. That means he ordered a Mexican pizza. According to a police report, as he was eating and driving, he later told police he was talking to a friend via Bluetooth speaker and looking at a knife that his friend gave him. Dude, just get to the girlfriend's house. Dan, he was thinking outside the bun. Give him some credit.

He then drove through a large pothole or hit a bump in the road. That's him trying to explain why. Yeah, man, I don't know what happened. Hit a bump in the road. The jolt made him accidentally stab his right thigh with a knife, the police report said. The man was left with a one to one and a half inch deep puncture wound in the top of his right thigh.

Oh, my God. I know. So this is a deep cut. This is like a flea market knife, I'm imagining. It's like ornate handle, little flip out shiny blade. This is like the Pink Floyd song that's just all breathing. It's a deep cut. The man then headed to the nearby nebraska medical center

where he waved down security officers and asked where the emergency room was for some reason that's where it ends yeah okay i'm gonna ask you guys this and then how old do you think a man at around 2 a.m talking to his friend gandering a knife at a knife that his friend gave him. Yes. You're getting through for his girlfriend. It's like the knife that they flick out in the Beat It video. Sure. You know, like those two kind of- Little spring blades? Gentle-

Switch blades. Yes. Okay. My gut tells me he's either like 24 or 79. So pick one. He's got a girlfriend. I'm going to guess like 50 something, like 56. 56. Okay, what do you think? He's got a girlfriend They're calling it a girlfriend

He could be a 65 year old guy With roommates He's got his bluetooth hands free set up So I'm going to say he's 19 19 years old I think he's 28 28 years old This will end our good time hang out with Mr. Sam Morrill.

Watch full capacity. Go to YouTube. Check it out. Follow him. And hey, where can people see you live? Do you have your dates at samorrill.com? Lens is coming out. This will be out middle of the month. Middle of October. What do you have at the end of October and November?

End of October and November, I'll be in Chicagoago denver phoenix san francisco great uh a little new york a little uh yeah that's pretty much dallas i think is coming up you're doing zanies in chicago shows all over it man where are you where are you performing in chicago a newer spot called the den theater oh yeah i've heard the den's great i hear it's cool yeah yeah i've heard it's's great. I hear it's cool. Yeah. Yeah. I've heard it's really good. All right. Can people get it at samarill.com?

Yeah. Yeah. Samarill.com slash shows or just go to samarill.com and hit the shows link. Yeah. I'm looking at the Den Theater. I heard it's pretty cool. Maybe I'll film a special there next year, so I kind of want to check it out. Yeah.

Yeah. Beautiful. All right. Well, everybody go to supersclaurs.com for their dates coming up. They got a Patreon. You can watch Cheap Seats again, and it is wonderful. It's only five bucks a month. Do that.

And then you've got mine as well, as well as all the other shows that I'm doing and my tour dates coming back. Go to DanielVanKirk.com. All right. How old is this guy? The man with a knife and Taco Bell and a girlfriend and nothing but pain on his hands is 39 years old. Oh, you are right.

You're on the way to the right. To me, that's like he went out with friends, right? And they lived together. And he had one crazy night. He's like, I'm going to get a Taco Bell. Babe, I'm going to get a taco. I got to call Jared about the knife. I'm going to get you some.

I'm going to get you some. Don't talk to him about the knife until you get back. I'm bringing it home for you. I'm bringing a Taco Bell. Don't look at it while you're driving. She's drunk, too. All right, there you go. That is the show.

Love you guys so much. Thanks for checking out this show. More good stuff on the way. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunker down. It's Dumb People Town.