Dumb People Town - Sara Benincasa - Failing Up Since The Beginning of Time

Episode Date: May 18, 2018

The Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by Sara Benincasa (Real Artists Have Days Jobs) for a DPT minisode! In this week’s story, the police think they may have found the world's dumbest criminal.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music gets the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town

Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town Population you Population Sarah Hi Oh, I'm so excited to be here of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Sarah. Hi. Oh, I'm so excited to be here. My favorite podcast title that I've heard

in at least several months is Dumb People Town. And your last name in Spanish means been in a house? Well, in Benincasa would,

in Spanish, I guess it would, it's sort of, it's bastardized Italian, but either way, Benincasa. Good house. Good house. Yeah, yeah either way. Ben and Casa. Good house. Good house.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ben and Casa. You come to the house. You brought a good house into this house. She brought a good house into the house? Yeah. What if she brings a good house into an apartment? Is that too much?

Then it's like everything changes. If you bring the good house into an apartment, you've actually brought too much. That's like coming over to someone's house and bringing dessert and wine and cheese and everything. You kind of bring everything. Who are you trying to impress, Sarah? Come on. Slow down, Sarah. Slow down, Sarah.

You know, I almost brought gifts because I was just in Miami. Gifts. And I bought a bunch of weird shit at the Hudson Books. Just like, you know, a little. And then I said, Sarah, that'd be trying too hard. So full circle. She didn't Benacasa this place. I didn't.

By the way, we got a chance to hang with you and watch you participate in our buddy Kyle Ayers, who's done a mini episode of this show before. His amazing show, The Boast Rattle, which is the reverse of the roast battle where you are compelled to call someone out and then proceed to very creatively compliment

them. You were one of the rattlers i thank you you were amazing thank you i loved it well it's not hard to say nice things about about steph tolov who i admire very much but she did she do the one about you sarah's on instagram all the time here's the other thing that she's on the right side of history what a fucking great it was so so good. I loved it. You guys, you were amazing and we instantly were like, oh my god, this

lady is amazing and that's why I'm happy you're here. We're going to do a story with Dan Van Kirk and then we'll tell people how to get your books and stuff like that. Are you guys ready? Yes, we're ready, Dan. Sent in by bendino at dino13. D-I-N-O 1. Thanks, buddy. A dino. A bendino. at Dino13. D-I-N-O. Sure. One.

Thanks, buddy. Three. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino.

A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino.

A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. A Dino. North College Hill Police think, this is the headline, North College Hill Police think. So they're not sure.

They don't know. They're not. I love that the police are so willing to make a statement, but they're just like, we don't know for sure. Well, we better get the statement out there. Imagine working for this police department. So you're a college police officer? No, no, no. It's North College Hill.

That's the college? The South University place? No! No! Look, man, I'm not a fucking college cop! Let's go. Deb, let's go. Are you deputized? Yes! Yes! They give you guys a badge. Do you getutized? Yes. Yes. I am. But they give you guys a badge. Do you get to carry a gun?

Yes. We're not college cops. I'm fully. So you sleep in the dorms? No. Yes, I sleep in dorms. That's unrelated to me being a non-college cop. The most affordable housing I can find, and yes, it's confusing.

I'm a big boy cop. Do you work in the little box that like right on the front of campus? No. No, I'm a residence director. I'm not big boy cop. Do you work in the little box right on the front of campus? No. No, I'm a residence director. I'm not an RA. God, you guys. Jesus. North College Hill Police think they may.

You're hedging a lot of facts. It's like if you say to somebody, I love you, and they go, thank you. I got told I loved you once, and I said, why? And guys, I wasn't thinking. That was my guttural. I used to be in a much darker place. That was my guttural response. Why?

Dan, when I was 23, I was proposed to by my sweet boyfriend at the time who said, do you want to get married? And I said, what do you think? Put it right back on him. You literally answered his question with his question. He said, I think yes. And I went, of course. And then about an hour later, he sobered up and was like,

we can't get married. And I was like, yeah. You are a good boyfriend. I was like, we can't get married. And I was like, yeah. You are a good boyfriend. I was like, I love you. He went all in expecting you to raise his bet or talk him down. Yeah. And he wanted you to do something and you did nothing. You're like, I need to fold, but what's the nicest way I can fold?

Yeah, it's just the cops are hedging their bets. That's like when you tell somebody like, you know what? Maybe we'll try and get together next week. You went so far up at the end there. But to a friend, we were like, dude, maybe we'll try and get together next week. Look, we are the North College Hill Police. We think there may

be... They think they may have found the quote, which I don't know if this makes it less or more official. I'm so excited. We don't even know. The reporter, the editor who wrote this is just the whole thing is just like, I don't know, I don't know,

I don't know. We did no fact checking. And this is the headline. They're quoting the headline. North College Hill Police think they may have found the quote world's dumbest criminal. Oh, well, we've met plenty of those people. Yeah, I know.

I was like, that's high bar. Let us decide. Please send it to us and let us be the judges. I'll be honest. This is not the dumbest criminal we've ever had. This is the dumbest person writing the article. They are dumb. Okay. And it's perfect, too, because they're also seemingly harmless,

but very dumb. Great. As I said, sent in by they're also seemingly harmless, but very dumb. Great. As I said, sent in by Ben Dino. Thanks, Ben. Oh, everybody, I want to say, guys, keep them coming. Stories. We need them. At DanielVanKirk, hashtag dumb people town.

Send them my way. Here we go. Dumb people are America's greatest resource. I also got to say. Never will never run out. So beautiful. I got to say, you you guys i instantly pictured the criminal just based on how dan described it as being like real hot i don't know why

you're all cutie patootie so maybe i'm like absorbing that cuteness of dudes but in my head i'm like they're it's real hot but real and dumb, like the guy whose picture went viral when his mug shot. Jeremy Meeks, Jeremy Meeks the model. I'll tell you, my friend Nicole Beatty is obsessed with him. And one time she saw him in traffic and took a picture and put it up on Instagram. Stop it. And I follow his account and I'll send it to her all the time. I'll go, did you see what he did?

They went to a dance. They went to a party. Oh, he's a model. Very successful. You're giving him too much attention. And for any of our diehard townies, yes, Jason is looking up a picture of Jeremy Meeks.

That's so Meek of you. Hot and Dumb could also be a t-shirt. Hot and Dumb. Yeah, he's in it. Oh, look at him. And now he's in the Prada shows and he's got it. He left his wife for a hotter lady, or maybe the wife's still hot. I don't know.

I didn't look at her. He's got a whole new world. He's got a whole new world. All he had to do was get arrested. Yeah, totally. I'm so happy for him. He earned it. He got arrested to get his head shot, essentially.

Dudes, dudes. Yes, he did. He's like, I need someone to shoot me. I can't afford publicity pictures. Dudes, failing up since the beginning of time. This guy got arrested and life went up. It went up? Oh, yeah.

All right, so this is the dumbest criminal. So, I started literally, I skipped a sentence. North College Hill, Ohio, WKRC. In Cincinnati. One of the greatest theme songs ever? Yeah. Unbelievable. Baby.

One of the greatest theme songs ever? Yeah. Unbelievable. Baby. If you've ever wondered Wondered whatever became of me I'm living on the air in Cincinnati Cincinnati WKRC I want that to be my wedding song with Meeksy.

What are you playing? Ooh. I'm walking down the aisle. Is this the official theme song? It's so beautiful. Is there a slide guitar at the top? Yeah, what is happening?

This is the extended cut. If you've ever wondered... Who is that? Who is the singer? It's Jeremy Meeks. This is back... This is back in that era of music when people smiled

while they sang songs. You can hear it. Cincinnati WKRC. When men and women both wear overalls. This is back in that era of music when people smiled while they sang songs. You can hear it. Cincinnati. WKRC. When men and women both wear overalls. What was that? Midnight Special? Was that Wolfman Jack?

Yeah. Or was that a different show? No, same one. We got another guy coming up right now. That's Wolfman Jack. Yeah. It's like Lou Sugarman's Wolfman Night Special. But he introduced this song and this guy sang the whole time.

Oh, this is the extended remix. Here we go. North College Hill, Ohio, WKRC. You have to imagine that police see a lot of things that many would consider to be quote stupid or at least quote bad ideas. Terrible lead. It's a terrible lead. Who is writing this? Where did you go to J school?

Did they hire you off of LinkedIn? They went to North College Hill College. Right. Not a college. They went to LinkedIn journalism. LinkedIn trade school. So when a police department says that they may have found, quote, the world's dumbest criminal, they must mean they found someone with parentheses in their eyes an impressively, quote, stupid, quote, bad idea.

I'm going to say this. They went to Abraham LinkedIn University. This is the worst report, the dumbest reporter. I love when everybody gets like, it is like a pit of quicksand and everybody gets pulled into the dump. This second sentence has a parenthetical and three quotes. And two of the quotes take place back to back and are separately quoted. This looks like the journalist is the dumbest person we've ever had in any story. This sounds like the rough draft of my daughter's wax museum project that she had to fix.

You know what I mean? Man to sow, quote, was neat, end quote. Elizabeth Schuyler. Here's the thing. Like, this story purports to have the dumbest criminal ever, and it is, in turn, the twist is it's the dumbest. That's what we said. Okay.

Yeah, this article is a crime. North College Hill Police say that they found a valid nomination for the throne. Indirect reference. They say Carl Starrett. Carl Starrett. Two R's, three T's. Three T's? Yeah.

What? That's not possible. I'm yes-anding you. Starrett. S-T-A-R-R-E-T-T-I-T? No. Three T's all together. Oh.

S-T-A-R-R-E-T-T-I-T. I thought there were's all together. Oh, that's fine. That's fine. I thought there were three at the end. At the end? The third T is for tiger. Because that's what he is in the sack. Because he's hot, remember? He's a hot criminal. He's a real meeksy.

He's a hot criminal. They say Carl Starr has broken in to the same local business numerous times. Now, I'm going to ask you guys. Who's dumb? The business that lets him do it or him? We get into the amount, so I can't go farther without asking you at this point. Just on gut, how many times do you think he's broken into the same local business? Sarah, you can go first.

Three. Same as the amount of T's in his name. Three. Wow. Tres. I'm going to say 12 times. 12. I'm going to say 10 times.

10. 10. Okay. Randy says 10. Jason says 12. I'm going to say 10 times. 10. 10. Okay. Randy says 10. Jason says 12. Sarah, 3. Sarah, 3. One of you is exactly right.

Okay. So now we get to play. We go deeper into the game. We get to play the second game. You get to guess who do you think is right. And you're a guest, so you can choose to go first, Tig, or third. Wherever you want to go. You tell me.

First of all, what position do you want to go? First. Okay. Who do you want to go? First. Okay. Who do you think is right? Who do you think is on the money? I think it's Randy. Okay. Okay.

Jason Sklar? I think it's me. I do. I think it's me. Okay. Get your answers in, townies. Because they say Carl Starr has broken into the same local business three times oh

you have confidence in yourself come on you see how I deferred to a man I know I'm always the power was within you

very deferential because I'm a very submissive you have everything it takes traditional role I just want to be a wife who gets told what to do.

You could have been at 23. You don't need it. I know. I could have been, and I said, what do you think? Is Carl Stazzy Wazzy, is what I'm going to call him. Is Starburns, Carl Starburns. What's his name? Starret.

Starret. Is he single? Stop. We don't know what he looks like yet. Three times a lady. I think he's broken into this place because he has an ex there and he's a psycho. That's what I think. Thought I couldn't do anything, huh?

Thought I couldn't be consistent, huh? Thought I couldn't get up and go to the same place every day. Look who followed through. Look who keeps showing up, quote unquote. In parentheses. He's doing a thief version of that scene from The Jerk. I'm not taking anything in this store with me. None of this matters.

Except that lamp. Except that lamp and these Jolly Ranchers. Other than that, I don't want it and this beef jerky. And those shoes. And a Code Red Mountain Dew.

But other than that, I don't want anything in your store. Code Red Mountain Dew is this guy's drink. Yeah. And where he's at in life. Yeah.

Code Red. Code Red Mountain Dew should signal a Code Red that something is wrong. Police say Starrett broke into the business twice in February, two nights in a row. What? Carl. Carl. Carl.

Starrett was caught on camera and apprehended shortly thereafter. Yeah. He admitted to the crimes. You got the cars. I. You got the cars. You got the car star. Car star caught, guys. By the way, can I say that in that moment of him admitting that you got me, I immediately like the guy even more.

Because I feel like we're at a point in our country, certainly, when people... I mean, I made that up. Oh. Oh. But I want to hear it. Say it. Because we're still in that point. Oh. I want to hear it. Say it. Every time we talk about North College Hill, you get political.

I do, but the point is that we are at a point in time where people can't accept that they're wrong. They won't admit that they're wrong. They'll lie all the way to the end. They'll play it as far as they can go. In fact, it's fun to admit you're wrong because then the person who was mad at you

and ready to fight has nothing to do with that energy. They have to go around the other side of you. You're like, you're right. And then they're like, well, I didn't. And you're like, well, whatever. I just said you were right. I'm sorry. I know. I understand what you're saying. If you want to say everything in your lungs, go for it. But I've already told you you were right.

We are on the other side of the argument now. You know what's another thing that's great to say to someone before an argument's over? I forgive you. Now you're in a new argument. Yeah, but like... Now you're in a whole new argument. How is someone going to fight? For what?

You know, like I just... I'm feeling like I forgive you. You just went to dick people town where you took us. That's what I should have said when that girl said I love you. I should have said I forgive you. I forgive you. I forgive you. I like to do a, said, I love you. I should have said, I forgive you. I forgive you. I like to do a, yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.

And then a big eyes and a repeated nod. So just in case anybody walks by. And you can get big eyes. Big eyes. You got big eyes. To the point where it looks like, honestly, like some sort of a thyroid condition. No. And a nod.

So if people walk by, they're like, wow, what is going on? He's really reading her the riot act. She's just like pure innocence. And then I get free pie. That's always my end game. It seems like it was the end game for Carl Starr. Yeah, what's the deal? Did he rob a pie shop?

So he breaks in twice in February, two nights in a row. Gets busted. Carl Starr was caught on camera and apprehended shortly thereafter. He admitted to the crime. Sure. He was found guilty and sent to jail for 180 days. Wow.

Okay. Car Star was released after just 90 days. Good behavior. Halftime, baby. Yeah, didn't steal anything in jail. Car Star out. Yeah. He's not starting stuff.

If he started a fight in jail, would people yell, world star it? Yeah. World star it. World star it. World star it. How long do you guys think? I don't want to do it as a trivia. I'll just say it.

But just a week after being released. A week? I was going to say a day. Now, this is also where our author starts reinserting themselves back into this article. Oh, God. Back in the narrative.

But just a week after being released, nostalgia must have gripped him. Oh, you're projecting. Yes. That's good journalism. Fucking garbage hole.

I wish you could get a goddamn job writing celebrity butt listicles. But instead, you're writing for the College Hill newspaper.

North College Hill deserves better. First of all, yes or no? Let's not look it up. Screw Google. Do you think there's a South College Hill? Yeah, and they fucking hate them. They fucking hate them. They're like, those fucking Tonys.

It either exists and they hate them or it doesn't exist at all. Or even worse, South College Hill doesn't even care about North College Hill. It's like Dallas and Fort Worth. I don't know if you've ever been to Fort Worth, but Fort Worth is just, we talk about this, they are so happy that Kennedy didn't die there that that should be on the, it's like, welcome to Fort Worth. He was alive when he left. They're like, you had one thing to do, Dallas, is keep our president alive.

We kept him alive. We kept him alive. He slept at our hotel. He slept at our hotel. He had a great night. He went out there. What do you do when you got up to Dallas? You got killed kept him alive. We kept him alive. He slept in our hotel. He had a great night. He went up there. What do you do when you got up to Dallas? God, I killed. You guys couldn't protect him, could you? And Dallas doesn't give a shit about Fort Worth. Dallas is like, we're so pretty.

We're just really good looking. We're just so pretty. We're so pretty, y'all. Y'all are so sweet. I don't even know. I don't have any idea. Y'all are just... Have you met him? He's an oil man. Yeah, he's... Do you know oil? Do y'all know... I know oil. Is his name oil? Did you spell it? Y'all know oil? Y'all know Ar? Do y'all know? I know oil. Is his name oil? Did he spell it O-I-L or E-A-R?

Y'all know Arco? Y'all go to SMU? No. Okay. Best looking college girls in the nation. I know. Playboy voted on it. They paid for them to be there.

Cesar's relieved after 90 days, but after a week after being released, nostalgia must have gripped him, so he decided to break into the same business again for the third time. And he was caught on camera, and again he was arrested. Then this person writes, the kicker? Oh, God. Stop it. It is kind of. It is.

Car Star decided to wear the same hoodie that he broke into the business in February. He's only got one hoodie. That's my Robin hoodie. That's my Robin hoodie. Look at him. And he's also, he's loaded up with stuff. You know what?

He looks cute from here. By the way, he's loaded up with life. That's the first time I really understood, like, what if Robin Hood, he did wear a hood,

did he not? There you go. Yeah, that's the thing, I think. Rob people. This is the first time I'm putting it all together. Oh, I didn't get the Robin part till right now.

I just got it right now. Robin of Locksling. I'm Robin Hood. Not if you're Kevin Costner. You just say, I'm Robin Hood. You say, I'm Robin Hood. This is the deal. You know what?

Carstar is a Whiteman, I think. He also looks like he has a jug of Carlo Rossi. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You need your business. You need, if you don't have an earnest Julio Gallo. By the way, and there is a look on his face

that he is like relaxed. He's a meathead. He's a dumb meathead. He looks like if Gronk were dumber. Yes. Also, look at, do you think he had an argument with one of his friends

that was like, you have to cover your face. He's like, no, dude, people know me by my hair. I'll just pull the, I'll cover my head. I'll pull the hood tighter around my face. So I was worried that he would be just some crazy meth head.

No, he just looks like a guy. He just looks like you're... He's just bored. He's your brother's friend who was a little too sporty. On the picture on the right, is he just stealing a shirt from a gas station? Well, they do have a tire. They do. And someone said surprisingly attractive. Not only a tire, but a tire. Oh,, they do have a tire. They do. And sometimes it's surprisingly attractive.

Not only a tire, but a tire. Oh, yeah. At Sklar Brothers. Hashtag, hashtag Weeby Robin Hood. Weeby Robin Hood. I'm still into Car Star

because what I like is that in both of those photographs, he has a little bit of a casual thing going on. And a smile. Yeah, smiling. He's so handsome. He knows he's on camera. He knows. I don't know if he's that handsome. He's putting a casual thing going on. And a smile. Yeah, smiling. He's so handsome. He knows he's on camera.

He knows. I don't know if he's that handsome. He's putting a reel together. Sari. I'm in love with him. Sari's really pushing him out there. Really committed to Car Star. And starting his modeling career.

Quote, if you're going to keep breaking into the same place, is it wise to wear the same hoodie? Guess who asked that? The North College Hill Police Department in their Facebook post. Oh, they put it on the FB. By the way, the police Facebook post is now just like a comedy blog. It's just like. It's our show, essentially.

Right, I know. It's our Facebook page. So here's the weird thing. I'm going to read you that sentence again, that the author poses as written by the police, then the author writes back to themselves, citing the question they wrote. If you're going to keep breaking into the same place, is it wise to wear the same hoodie? Asked the North College Hill Police Department in their

Facebook post. A great question, for sure, but one that apparently alluded Mr. Starrett. What? No shit, dummy. The first shirt. This guy definitely has no, or woman, has no editor. None whatsoever. They are the editor.

You know who probably wrote that? Carstar. Carstar. He wrote it himself. Reporter at large. Sent it in. As for world's dumbest criminal, it may be something better left to public opinion, but it seems Mr. Carl Starrett has at least earned himself a nomination from police.

This is like when I read the in the hunter and county democrat which i love a newspaper in a red county in in new jersey where i'm from yet called the democrat very painful for the republicans there yeah they will do like throwback thursday or whatever and they will do they will have it's been ongoing it's like a 200 year old newspaper so they will do stuff from like 1812 that's like farmer stankleankle, britches, a chicken ran away. Who can say why? Maybe it needed a trip? And you're like,

that's not funny. It doesn't make sense. But that's the kind of style of writing this is where they're just like, I'm going to say something whimsical. It's too casual. It's too casual.

Or they're like, this is all, they turn in something and they're like, this is only 200 words. Yes. Right. We need 700.

A great question. You get to 700. A great question, for sure. Right, exactly. Why wouldn't it be? It's like menus that talk to you. You're going to love these chicken fingers. First we, and I'm like, stop.

Just how much are they? I'll decide the rest. Initially, we drizzled them. Nope. Nope. Just stop. Tell me what's on it and tell me if I like it. That's our story, friends. And that's what your book

is all about, Chicken Fingers? Drizzling Chicken Fingers. That's called Chicken Fingers. Throw Some Junk On It by Sarah Benincasa. I want to hear it. Concise. Throw Some Junk On It by Sarah Benincasa. I would read that. What is that? It's just you breaking down headshots of

criminals. To me and car stars. I used to be a high school English teacher very briefly. I have a master's degree in teaching reading language arts for grades 7 through 12. Certified in the state of New York. It's probably not valid anymore. And I am not the best person with grammar, syntax, et cetera. But I can say listening to that, I went back to like i just almost turned down an engagement place which is when i was teaching oh 23 24 i went back there in my mind and was like if this was my kid if this

was my student i would say hey buddy you gotta stop we gotta reporter the reporter oh yeah less is more dumbest reporter you know what have you learned ap style i don't know what is your book oh your latest book my latest book you have multiple books i do um agora fabulous is my memoir great is my young adult novel dc trip is my novel for grown-ups and the most recent one is called real artists have day jobs and other awesome things they don't teach you in school that is amazing yeah so obviously it is what it sounds like it is humorous essays uh with advice for based on all the times I've fucked up. And a few times I've gotten something right the first time.

But yeah, it's just, you know, humorous essays for artsy people who feel weird about their lives and need some help. Trying to make the transition or just be okay with like working and also achieving or trying to go after what you want. Yeah. I mean, my general philosophy is that if you do your art, you're an artist. I'm not saying I like your art or that it's good or bad, but whether or not you ever get paid a dime for it, if you do your art, you're an artist. If you make something, you're an artist. Yeah. And you keep doing it consistently, which could be once a day, a week, a month, whatever, but you do your art, you're an artist. And so it's a bunch of stuff kind of related to that.

And I'm working on a novel right now that doesn't have a title. Well, I want to hear a little bit more about the, just briefly about the young young adult because I would get it for my daughter to read. But what is it? How old is your daughter? She's going to be 13. Is that too young for her? Well, it depends on, there's nothing, I mean, there are some adult themes. There's nothing super, what I found when I was a teacher was that parents, and I'm not saying that you are this way,

parents were more likely to challenge a book if it included sexuality versus violence. And that's usually true in public school libraries. Totally. They're like the Hunger Games. A six-year-old gets shot with an arrow. That's fine. But people are fingering each other.

That's not okay. No. Whereas I think the fingering is preferable to the shooting of the children. There's no explicit fingering in other, that's not okay. Whereas I think the fingering is preferable to the shooting of the children. There's no explicit fingering in my book. However, it is a twist on... I'm out. You lost us.

DV is like... Dan Van Kirk is like, if it's not 33 Shades of Grey, I'm not in. I will not read it! That's not happening in the Van Kirk house. It's a twist on, it's about two, it's a twist on Gatsby. So it's inspired by Gatsby,

but it's contemporary and it's two teen girls who are in love or obsessed with each other basically in the Gatsby and Daisy roles. Nice. Phenomenal.

And it's called? It's called Great. Great. Yeah. That is great. Well, this has been great. Thank you. Sarah Benicasa, thank you so much for coming on, doing a little mini with us.

And, oh, shit, we, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around, make a sound, calm your down It's Dumb People Town It's a good show