Dumb People Town - Sara Schaefer - Legs Up on Congress

Episode Date: May 28, 2019

This week Sara Schaefer joins the show! In Story 1, a woman is accused of public masturbation.Story 2 brings us an unruly woman on a plane.Story 3  is the tale of the most innocent suspect ever!

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And Dirk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound On your downies, Dumb People Town Hey townies, welcome to another episode of

Dumb People Town Population Shaper Sarahulation Schaefer. Sarah Schaefer, welcome to the show. Hi. Hello. So glad to be here. It's great to have you. It's been a long time coming. Yeah.

Long time coming. Lots of me canceling because of my life. No, you got stuck in like a bomb cyclone. I did. You know what though, but we have you now. You're on the road doing your work. But the weird thing was you flew there to avoid doing this. You know what, though? But we have you now. You're on the road doing your work. But the weird thing was, is you flew there to avoid doing this. You were like,

where can I go? You were into trouble. Yeah. You flew into trouble. I don't want to know if I'm in the mood. I'll just go to Iowa. Where can I potentially not be able to come back to this show?

Let's go to the Midwest during storm season. We have long been friends and fans of yours. And I feel like you are uniquely designed to rip the crap out of this dumb world that is happening to us. We often ask our guests if they feel this, because I'm kind of asking for ourselves, do we have it wrong? Because we're really deep inside the dumb cyclone in this world? Do you believe that the world's getting dumber or that we're just hearing about it more? Like, you know what I mean?

Basically, the example would be like, did people die falling into the Grand Canyon all the time or we're just now hearing about it? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. No, people fell into the Grand Canyon a lot. But maybe there's an uptick because of people trying to get that selfie. That's right. and that's dumb yeah I do think in some ways we're dumber and in other ways we're smarter

but we're in a period of such fast moving advances in technology that our little dumb brains can't keep up we can't keep up with that we don't need to learn math multiplication tables anymore we don't need to learn math multiplication tables anymore.

We don't. We don't need to memorize a bunch of shit. We can just Google it. Look it up. So instead, we should be learning critical thinking skills. Right. But we haven't caught up with it yet. Yeah, well, we're not.

So it's like we're wasting time. Right. Our time management is terrible. Remember when we were young, how many phone numbers you remembered? Yeah, you had to memorize stuff. But now you don't. And that makes people think that we're dumber. Right.

Maybe we are, but I think we need to, we need to like, like the next generation will be smarter. Like we're caught up in the change, and so we just can't, we can't handle it. I hope you're right.

I hope you're right. I don't know if you're right. Well, we're going to get into some stories here that may change your perspective on this, Sarah. It will rock your very foundation. And we get them sent in by our awesome fans, and then Dan breaks them down for us. So, Dan, we've got Sarah Schaefer here. I don't know if you know,

but we have her here. So, let's... It's like having a phenomenal weapon in your arsenal to fight the dumb tidal wave. Let's jump into a story. Okay, here we go. This was sent in by Megan Neves at Maggers. That's four M's, two G's, and away the tat let's jump into a story here we go this was sent in by megan neves at meggers that's

four m's two g's and two s's meggers meggers uh austin police arrested a woman who was pleasuring herself at two street level patios tuesday afternoon on congress avenue in downtown austin just we're there so that's prime two wait so she moved location yes yes i was gonna say her vagina is that big well sometimes you're not feeling it so you gotta like this isn't working you move to your couch or whatever yeah she moved to a different patio and for people who don't know Austin, Congress is the main drag. Why? Is it South Congress? Well, the other part about it is, look, Congress is known for its, you know, food trucks and

street food. She's just taking her masturbation to the streets. Yes. She's like hoping. Taking it to the streets. She's like, oh, I'm sorry. Is this not weird enough for you, Austin? Yeah, I'm trying to keep Austin weird.

Is this making up for all the times that women have had to see men jerk off in public? She's like, I'm going to get you back. You're going to see how it's done. Oh, man. If this is successful, she's going to open up a brick and mortar masturbation show. That's right. And everybody in Austin is like, that is so beautiful. And she's like, no!

No, I want you to be mad. That's the problem. That's the problem And everybody in Austin is like, that is so beautiful. And she's like, no! No, I want you to be mad. That's the problem. That's the problem with that guy. He can't flip the switch because dudes are like, awesome! No! Well, thankfully, we don't have any of those bros in this story. The first complaint came from the JW Marriott Austin Hotel at about 5.20 p.m. She is rush showering an outdoor patio

on Congress. She's doing this near a JW Marriott. That is a nice Marriott. That's a nice one. That's not messing around. Say no courtyard. The first complaint came and also 5.20 p.m. When did her day start? I mean, I'm going to say we have the shirts

available on our website. 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking. It definitely started. She was getting to the end of her day. Right, right. It's about 2.15 a.m. for her. This is the cherry on top, as it were. The first complaint came from the JW Marriott Tuesday about a woman across the street on an open-air patio, quote, holding a silver object against her private, quote, with her legs... That was going to be my next

question. Was she using something? Or just her hand? Is that the mouse? With her legs straight up in the air, spread open. You know what? At least she owned it. Oh, that makes it so much better. She is leaving no question. People are walking by, she's like,

what? Oh, I'm sorry, you hate your fucking life and i'm trying to relax i'm having fun i quit drinking eight months ago so this is how i enjoy myself go get some barbecue a hotel worker said he could hear the woman identified later by authorities as dovey nichols dovey nichols. Dovey Nichols? That definitely sounds like she took one of those online quizzes. What's your masturbation name? D-O-V-I-E

Nichols. It's your soap plus whatever's in your, you know, ashtray. Dovey Nichols. Dovey ashes. Dovey Nichols. A hotel worker said he could hear the woman. Irish spring cigarette butt. Sexy. Dovey Nichols. A hotel worker said he could hear the woman. Irish spring cigarette butt. Sexy.

Dovey Nichols. That is a phenomenal name. Dovey Nichols. And you can't say that name without saying the word little before it. Little Dovey Nichols. Whatever happened to Little Dovey Nichols? Legs up on Congress. Legs up on a J.W. Marriott patio. It's true.

It's because you never think, like, if I could address Senator Dovey Nichols for a moment. Well, how are you doing, Dr. Dovey Nichols? I'll be performing your brain surgery today. All rise for the Honorable Dovey Nichols. Presiding words she will never hear. Legs Up on Congress is that was Willie Nelson's best

acoustic album. Legs Up on Congress. Dovey Nichols, quote, he said he, quote, he could hear Nichols making moaning noises as if she was having an orgasm That's when he didn't believe her He thinks she's faking it She was doing it as if she was having one

She's just trying to be considerate To the things she's using Look bro, I know when they're having one And when they're not No one's faked it on me I'm a bellman here This guy's trying to mansplain her orgasm Look here's how it works when a woman masturbates

Alright The worker saw the woman masturbating On the patio for about 7 or 8 minutes That's too long to watch Well I mean it depends on what you're doing What the tool is she's using

No but it's too long for him to watch her for seven to eight minutes. Oh, that's too long for sure. How much time did you need to observe? Dan, it takes a while to take the video, download it, and post it online. He's just mesmerized. What's she doing? Seven or eight, yeah, that's a really long time. By the way, seven or eight minutes is a ridiculously long time.

Very long. That's him just being a part of it at that point. That's two Conan sets. Two Conan sets worth of time. That's him jerking a part of it. That's two Conan sets. Two Conan sets worth of time. That's him jerking off to her jerking off twice. That's right. And then when he finished, he's like, I better do something about this. All right, I'm going to try to go again, but I usually can't do twice.

So if I don't finish, I'm going to have to call the cops. Keep it up. Legs up on Congress. The workers saw the woman masturbating on the patio for about seven or eight minutes, the Austin American-Statesman reported. The worker said the woman told him to back off as he approached her to tell her to stop. She's finishing. She sees him walking up. She's like, the fuck out of here.

Back off. Back off. Legs up. Legs up. Legs up. Congress. She then, this is what I hope, she yells back off. They must have had some sort of interaction because she then went to a second, or wait, to the second bar plus kitchen across the street.

That's right by the river. That is second and Congress. Yeah, the second kitchen. That's right on the corner. Okay, we just walked by it. There's an open patio with couches and seating that is wide open

to the public. And that's what Dovey Nichols is just... So you think that whole interaction was her being like, back off, ma'am, stop. You know, I'm going to go somewhere else. I'm going to go where they appreciate me. Imagine if you're right at that edge. Oh, I know.

And then somebody. But some people are into edging. So maybe that was part of it. Blows up your spot. No, you got to move and you got to take care of it. You can't just move on with your day at that point. At this point, it is something that has to be serviced. Yeah, we got to finish this.

In every sense. She then went to the second bar plus kitchen across the street where the lewd behavior allegedly continued. The outlet reported. This is Dovey Nichols. She doesn't do anything half-assed. That is when police arrived at second bar plus kitchen and the woman sitting alone. Don't be mean. I mean.

We get it. You don't need to put that in uh stopped moving her arms under the table and place them on top of it so the cop walks up she's like let me see your hands what she's like hands up just all you hear from underneath is right oh my god so she's still getting it she's still getting well that was when as with her hand sitting on the table the officers quote the officers observed that Nichols was not wearing any pants. She's also pantsless. Oh, yeah.

And she walked across the street pantsless. That's the part where I'm like, wow. Pantsless in Pittsburgh was a fantastic sequel to Sleepless in Seattle. Some of Meg Ryan's best, little-known work. Craziest work. Beautiful film. Pickles. It was supposed to be called You've Got Email.

Police then put little Dovey Nichols in handcuffs and placed her... It changes it, doesn't it? It does. And placed her in the back of a squad car where she, quote, began to repeatedly rub her groin back and forth on the plastic seat and moaning. I got a knee. A knee for speed. Feel free to hit that pothole now i'm just wondering if she had an itch it may not have anything to do with sexual pleasure i

don't know legs up it was the arresting officer's opinion that even without the use of her hands nickels was still trying to gratify herself. And you know what? Why is that a crime? Yeah. When is that become an issue? Maybe not in my cop car. No. Right.

Even when asked to stop, little Dovey Nichols continued to do so for the duration of the encounter. Ma'am, please. Have we gotten any information About was she intoxicated Or None of it She's gotta be drunk Rolling Up and back in the cop car on the seat

And they're like stop And I so want her to be like I am stopping but she's continuing She's just back there like We asked you to stop Dovey Nichols She's just back there like, mm-hmm. Because usually when it's... We asked you to stop, Dovey Nichols. I did. I am sorry. I know.

Dovey! Dovey! No, seriously, I'm done. I'm done. I promise. I think I can go again. She's done. She's done. God damn it! I will pull can go again. She's done. She said she's done. She said she's done. God damn it! I will pull this car over.

She continued to go after the... I think she was drunk because usually, not to get too real inside dumb people town, when they say someone was taken for mental health issues to a hospital or whatever, usually that's when I just don't do the story. So they don't have any of that. They didn't take her anywhere. And they always do when that's the

issue. Otherwise they're drunk or under the influence of something. She's just a woman who needs to get hers. Dovey Nichols big day. This girl is on fire. Arresting officers did not recover the silver

object reportedly seen by the hotel manager Who first witnessed little Dovey Nichols' night out A lot of people say this about her She was born with a silver object in her vagina Yeah That's so privileged That's like being born on between first and second base Uh-huh

In a different article And saying you hit a single In a different article the cop said during the I just remember this During the ride he was like I think that the Vibrator is still inside her That was his whole theory She does internal

Not external But she's probably got it all going on If you're that free if you're that liberated I want to know what kind She's like I would love to know What toy is that good that you need it to know If it removes all of those inhibitions It must be really Real market

They said They never covered the object That was reportedly seen by the hotel manager For witness on Little Dovey Nichols Night Out Little Dovey Nichols Night Out Is a straight to video movie Or a kids book Little Dovey Nichols Night Out is a straight-to-video movie. Or a kid's book.

Little Dovey Nichols Night Out. Be careful. Make sure you know which one you're getting. Two very different stories. Nichols was charged with indecent exposure and sent to the Travis County Jail with bail set at $3,000. We'll get out of this story by playing a round of Guess the Agey. How old do you think Little Dovey Nichols is? You are a guest.

You can go first, Tig, or third, Sarah. Tig is the second spot between me and Jason. I'm guessing. You want to go first? Oh, am I going? You can go first, Tig, or third,

or you can choose which slot you want. I'll go first. I'll guess 37. Okay. Is that Cougar Town, or is that a little young for... Young. That. Okay. Is that Cougar Town or is that a little young for... Young. That's young.

I'm going to say she's 26. Okay. I think she's 48. Okay. Whoa. Yeah. 48. One of you is exactly right.

Oh! This is so fun! So we get to play the second game. Which is... Who do you think is right? Now, you can go first, Tig, second game. Who do you think is right? Now, you can go first, Tig, or third in guessing who you think is right. Exactly right.

Do you want to go first? I'll go Tig. Okay. Okay. I'm right. I lost confidence in myself last time, and I guessed them both right. 26. I mean, I think I'm right. Okay, good.

Stay with yourself. And I'm staying with me. I think I'm right. 48. Does anyone ever say, I think someone's right? Yeah, yeah. There's'm staying with me I think I'm right 48 Does anyone ever say I think someone Yeah yeah There's someone where you're like

Wait a minute Yeah that makes more sense I said right there But I'm thinking about What you said Okay Alright everybody say Their answers one more time

48 37 26 Okay After I say it I will share a picture And then we will end this Oh sometimes seeing a picture

And we'll post this picture On the Facebook page If you are listening to this podcast And you are not a fan of or following the Facebook page, follow it right now. Figure your life out. Because all the great stuff gets on there, but sometimes the picture makes it harder. Sometimes you see a picture and you're like, wait a minute. Sometimes I show the picture before we play just because I know there's no way you can tell.

I'm more confused. All right. So, Little Dovey Nichols. Little Dovey Nichols Is 26 years old Oh Jay I believe That is a great

Look at her She's having the time Of her life Now I She's like What What What

Oh you guys Do you guys normally go around Ruining people's great days Her eyebrows are so full Oh you're so cool. She's like, who, me? What? Couldn't be.

All right, little Dovey Nichols in the book. We created a new character. She stole the cookie from the cookie jar. That's absolutely right. She stole the nookie from the nookie jar. That's right. Good for her. Good for her. All right, that is segment one down in the book.

Sarah Schaefer is with us. We'll talk more about what she's got going on. Her new album. Including a new album. We'll talk about it on the other side this break this is dumb people town stick around make it sound for more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dpt that stands for dumb people town we're the sclar brothers daniel van kirk uh check out daniel van kirk.com do it uh amazing uh website all this live dates live dates.

Live dates. Tour dates in the Midwest, in the Northeast, East Coast. Go see us. We have a lot of tour dates. Basically, Randy and I have a date or two each month through the end of the year. There you go. So there's a chance that we will be coming to an area near you, and we want as many of you guys to come see us as possible.

Also, follow us on Instagram. We are starting to put a lot of new stand-up clips on our Instagram page. Old stand-up clips too. We're hopefully going to have all of our stand-up canon out on the page so you can enjoy that. And speaking of stand-up, Sarah Schaefer, you have a new album. What is it called? Live, Laugh, Love.

Live, Laugh, Love. The Eat, Pray, Love of stand-up. Yeah, it basically is. And it's like Julia Roberts' swan song. Again, your stand-up. I do a show in Italy, and then a show in India, and then one in Bangladesh, or whatever the last one. No, it wasn't. Bali.

I listened, actually. I'd never read that book. I got divorced many years ago, and all these people were like, oh my God, you have to read Eat, Pray, Love, Star. It's like your story. And I'm like, no, it's fucking not. I have to just keep going with my day job and my life. I couldn't just fuck off to these places.

So I finally listened to the audio book just a few months ago. And it was your life. And it totally was. I was like, oh, that was it. Yeah. No. And I was kind of surprised. Like it hasn't aged that well.

Like I think if that book came out now, people would be like this white lady. Yeah. And I was kind of surprised It hasn't aged that well A lot of that stuff doesn't If that book came out now, people would be like This white lady going to another country And she even does The voices She's like, Liz, I think you should come And I'm like, no, no, no It just sounded a little

It was a little off But I did enjoy the book overall Really? Yeah, I thought it was fine little off but i did enjoy the book overall yeah really yeah i mean i thought it was fine i'll read it but you're special don't read it live life live life yeah where'd you do where'd you record it i did it at the comedy attic oh that's where we're gonna be we're here as we're recording this we will be there this weekend. But as this drops, we will have already been there. So we had a great time at the Comedy Attic. It's a lovely time.

Get your NDAs out and go see a show. It was good. The first show, I recorded two shows on one night. And the first show was just like I got off stage and I was like, well, that's the album. I don't think I need to make any changes. Thank God, because the second show was lightly attended and I was like, Oh, didn't expect that.

Like, and it was just an off show and the rest of the shows, the weekend, plenty of people came, but it was just the one show. And I was like, Oh, thank God that first show went so well.

Cause I wouldn't be, I used a couple of small things from the second show. But for the most part, that's funny because we, we, when we recorded our last special, which was on Starz called, what is it called, Ren?

Hipster Ghost. Hipster Ghost. We, I just remember we were, we did the first called Eat, Laugh, Love. Oh. It's a mixture of your thing and... Oh, cool, cool. No, no, but it's different.

We go to Bali first. Oh, okay. So we recorded two shows. Dan was there and he was fantastic in Chicago. And the first show we got off stage and we're like, that was okay. I think that's okay. I think we can do better. Second show we came out with more energy.

We were amped up and we're like, oh, that's going to be the special. It's all going to be the second show. Then we went back and watched it and we're like, oh, the first show you were more in the moment. Same thing with me on my first album years ago i thought the second show was the better one and then i when i was listening to it i was like i'm more natural it was so much better right so we ended up doing that uh well where can people pick this up on itunes all the things all the all the ways you do that all those places all the places you get albums yeah except like amoeba records it's not in there well it should but it's Well, it should be. But it's a tower.

But it's that tower. It's a tower records for sure. Our records doesn't exist anymore, Dan. Virgin. Sorry, Virgin Records. Virgin and Times Square. It's there. Well, pick it up and check it out because you are a fantastic stand-up and just great at what you do.

Great writer, great stand-up and all those things. And I'm glad you're here with us right now because we got dumb stories we got to get through. Yes. We got to get through these stories, Dan. We got W-E-R-K work. Sent in by Bone Crusher at Bone Crusher 82. Bone Break.

I love it. Remember Officer Bone Break? I was John Glazer. John Glazer came on the show and there was an officer because it's just so funny. Sometimes the names of these people, you're like, this is exactly. His name was Officer Bone Break. Bone Break. Dear Lord.

It'd be two on the nose If you wrote that in a script Dovey Little Dovey Nichols Fort Lauderdale From CBS Miami A woman's Not women's A woman's trip

To Las Vegas on Valentine's Day Was cut short By my favorite Tiffany Haddish movie Woman's Trip was cut short by my favorite Tiffany Haddish movie, Woman's Trip. Yes. Was cut short after she reportedly got unruly on a plane and had to be taken off.

She started the trip a little early. What's wrong with that? On the way to Vegas? Oh, girl. What happens on the way to Vegas? Wait till you get there. When Valerie Gonzalez Boarded JetBlue's Flight 7

At Fort Lauderdale Hollywood International Wednesday night She allegedly got upset When she found out She was seated next to a child Oh Jeez What are you gonna do?

Dude I So when we came back from Austin We got Kids love Vegas I got no sleep i mean your flight is yeah you guys depends what was a flight so we had a 6 a.m flight i got we're up till 3 30 and we're like all right i guess we gotta i guess we gotta say i can't i told you you were gonna do that 4 20 i was like it's not happening i knew you were gonna do i was like

i'll sleep on the plane i get on the plane and the dude sitting next to me on the plane was like a shetland shug knight and his he was holding his arms in a position that no one would hold like he was boxing out all elbow throwing like elbows into i just want to ask those people what do you think they mean when they say completely full flight except you yeah exactly you're spread i'm in the seat that you're trying to get so it ruined my time. So I can actually understand this woman as she sits down. I understand the aggravation, but you can't get kicked off the flight. No.

No, you got to be better than that. You just ask those people like, oh, did you have anyone else on this plane that you were hoping to sit with? Because I'll trade with them. Yeah. You can't try to get out in front of them. Someone tells me this woman who is heading to Vegas is not into finding solutions. No. No. Yeah. You can't try to get out in front of them. Someone tells me this woman who is heading to Vegas is not into finding solutions. No. No.

No. I don't know. I usually don't get mad at kids on flights. You can't. I get mad at adults because they know better. You know better. Yeah. Or whatever behavior they're doing.

I've been mad at adults that I was like, you didn't, you aren't helping this child. Like, you didn't prepare for this flight with this child. Also, earphones. You know what I mean? Oh, yeah. Yes yeah your phones can cancel a lot of stuff have you guys watched tim robinson yes that sketch is so funny fucking good my god he's on a plane and i won't give it away but a person sits down next to him and it's like i was on a flight 1984 you were a baby you cried the whole it's like revenge it's like i've waited for this entire day so now i'm gonna sit next to you and cry like a baby i love it you have to see it though it's so funny oh god we gotta get tim robinson in time we will okay uh quote this is a quote she finds out she's sitting

next to a child quote i'm not sitting next to a fucking three-year-old. Oh, that'll do it. That'll ring some bells. Oh, there's a comma. I'm sorry, ma'am, do you want a bag of blue Terra chips to come? I'm not sitting next to a fucking three-year-old comma, I've been drinking

all day. So at least she knows herself. So she's saying, I want to protect that fucking three-year-old from me. Somehow, I don't think that was her intent. Okay, but you guys, you went and did a great hangout weekend thing with Anna McKay in Vegas. Did you fly? Yes. That feeling when you're going to Vegas for a great weekend, you want everything.

And sometimes people start at the airport. Because you're in your heart. Have you ever seen two people meet on an airplane? Drinking and meet and be loud. Randy and I did. Saw two people fight with each other. It was like a romantic comedy. They were arguing with each other.

They didn't like each other at all. And at the end, they were holding hands. She was laying on him. Oh, my God. She was laying on him. They were holding hands. There were on him She was laying on him There were some definite handies going on in that row I've seen that before They brought their own blanket

Whenever you see a shared blanket It's like what's happening under there And the guy was going to town On this girl And she's all eyes closed toes curled He was giving her an H And I'm not joking. And then he looks over at me like,

hey, and I'm like, you're on a plane. Don't look at me like I'm the asshole. The only thing wrong with this is I don't have popcorn. I'm just trying to keep the camera You ring the bell to get that. Can you have any popcorn? I'm sorry. I'm just staring at you because I need you to turn the light on

so I can get better lighting so I can post this on instagram i don't know what you think right uh i'm sitting next to a fucking three-year-old i've been drinking all day she then got up out of her seat and went to another seat that was not assigned to her valerie then reportedly had a problem with the people sitting in front of her and proceeded to have a loud profanity lace outburst not accepting this type of behavior the flight crew asked her to get off the plane and called security as she was being escorted off the plane broward county sheriff's deputy uh says that she did not go quietly no quote fuck you get the fuck get the fuck i'm getting

off the plane don't touch my i don't even know what it just says expletive i'll get off the plane she said when she finally exited she had one last shot i am now going to play for you guys the video someone took for doing this yes yes yes here we go fuck you y'all no no no yep this will be on the page as well i'm getting off the plane. Don't touch my f***. I'll get off the plane. Get my f*** under things.

She wasn't done yet. Asking if anyone was recording. Who's taping this? Who's taping this? Bring it. She finally exited. She did not go quietly. She did?

Because I called someone old. I get kicked off the f*** plane. Yep. Bye. Yeah. Enjoy yourself in Vegas, babies! Vegas, baby, Vegas! Oh my God.

She never made it to Vegas. She never made it to Vegas. She looks like little Dovey Nichols. I know. They should get together and form a band. She did say to everyone to enjoy Vegas. I mean, she went out with a bang. She sent good wishes to everybody

wished everybody would have been nicer and more circular if she would have said everybody have a good time vegas including that three-year-old fucking kid uh when you see a drunk person walking to one of your shows like a very drunk person or a bachelorette party or something we used to when we were younger comedians be like, can you keep an eye on those people? Now we're like, kick them out now. Yeah, that's what flight attendants do. They spot a problem and they remove. Get it out.

Because we don't want to deal with this mid-show or mid-flight. Mid-flight, when we're in the air and we can't do anything about it, what are we going to do? I don't want to talk. I don't want to waste my time. Ruin it for other people.

So yeah, she exited the plane by saying, bye-bye. Enjoy yourself in Vegas, babies. Vegas, baby, Vegas. I'll be there in an hour. She did not make it to Vegas. She did not make it there. First of all, Fort Lauderdale to Vegas. What, are you leaving from LA? You're in Fort Lauderdale.

It's not that far. It's like four hours. What does she do when she's back in hours. Five hours when you're going west. What does she do when she's back in the airport? Oh, she took a nap. According to arrest report, she then tried to get back on the plane. When a gate agent blocked her, she hit her. Oh, no, girl. Little Valerie Gonzalez.

Come on. A passenger on the plane told the deputy that Gonzalez said she was seated in the same row with her and that she hit her on the arm when she refused to switch seats. Come on, fucking move. I'm going to hit you in the arm again. Oh, I'm the bad guy? Because I called someone old. Who's filming this?

It's racist. It's me. When Gonzalez was taken into custody, she refused to walk or comply with officer's commands. She was then put in a wheelchair and rolled out of the terminal, which is the best parade you've ever seen. That is also such a power move. Put her in a wheelchair and rolled out of the terminal, which is the best parade you've ever seen. Or that is also such a power move. Put her in a wheelchair. You will roll me out of here. I'm not

walking. She demanded the wheelchair. I feel like they put her in the wheelchair to be like, this woman is mentally handicapped. You can't handle this. Put me on one of those golf carts. I am not walking down the terminal. You're the one to kick me out. Ma'am, stop those golf carts. I am not walking down the terminal. You're the one to kick me out. Ma'am, stop making the noise.

We're not going in reverse, ma'am. Yes, baby. Yes. The officer noted in the report that leg restraints were put on Gonzalez in the wheelchair to keep her from kicking people. If she's kicking people, they have no idea the context of what's happening. I would have loved it if they strapped her in standing up on one of those dollies. Like a Hannibal Lecter doll thing on her.

To me, they should have filmed this whole thing and it should be an ad for Vegas. I've never been... I've been so drunk. The drunkest I've ever been. I've never behaved that way. I don't know. You're someone who's just ready to fucking go wild

ready to fight and then you just spiral out you're right though Vegas get here first wait until you get here just get here trust us it's gonna be more fun

just get here because that behavior is accepted. That's okay here, but not on the way to here. You do that at Crazy Horse. I got kicked out of a Jimmy Choo in Vegas one time. Why? What happened? Because me and my sister were crying too much.

Because we were drunk and fighting. At a Jimmy Choo shoe store. Yeah, these are like $1500 Pairs of shoes The Caesar Forum Why we were in there I have no idea Was it Caesar's?

It was The Forum shop In the Venice Or the Venetian Venetian Yeah Jimmy Choo We got

The fight erupted At dinner What was the fight over? In Mesa Grill What was it over? So I was the brokest I've ever been

Okay But no one knew because i had like just gotten my tv show on mtv yeah it's fun but i hadn't gotten paid for it yet and i had no money left and i was literally gambling like at the roulette tables before dinner so i could pay for dinner like and my it was for my older sister's 40th it was all her friends my little sister was there so the end of the table is like you know know when a bunch of people try to split a bill? And it's just like everyone's wasted. They've been drinking all day.

And someone's like, let's just split the bill. And I'm like, I don't have enough money to pay for everyone's top shelf tequila. I think I did order steak. Because you hit on a lot of the baby. Obviously good with money. because I'm obviously good with money and I had enough you know but I like

didn't factor in like all the other people's stuff and I just made a little comment like I was just like under my breath and my little sister was like you're coming off really cheap and I was like excuse me and then we got into a little tiff and then it like spread down

the table and you could see my my older sister the end of the table being like like starting to cry and he's like they're making they're taking away my kitchen on my birthday they're ruining it and then then crying starts and walking away and then like cut to like 30 minutes later me i can't stop crying like it was like a hormonal thing or something like where you you just can't stop. I just gotta let it out. The faucet was leaking. I couldn't turn it off. Keep going.

No, it's like Valerie and her anger. And I just was like, I'm so embarrassed that I caused this scene at your birthday, but now I'm making it worse. And then we're in Jimmy Choo, and Christy's like standing there, and she's like, Sarah, it's okay. And her eyes are, she's crying too.

We've been in there for like 10 minutes. Of course you have. Not even looking at shoes. You're just having, you just know. You are at shoes None of us were going to buy these shoes You are choosing to have your conversation First of all I also I also

I fucked up my foot I was limping Do you do this story on stage? I haven't yet I should This broke people thinking and I needed Do you do this story on stage? I haven't yet. You should. I should. I need new material. This broke people thinking

how could you be broke? You have a TV show you just sold. You have a limp. It's a 40th birthday party. And their new special is called Live, Cry, Live.

Or if the chew fits. Or in Jimmy Choo and like the guy comes over and he's like ladies we're just we're gonna have to ask you to leave and we were like then we burst out laughing and then it was funny and then right across the way was this store called the walking company or whatever yeah with like lots of clark

shoes like comfortable shoes and i was like i saw him and i was like guys uh i know what i need to do i'm gonna go buy a comfortable pair of shoes. And I ended up buying the comfortable pair of shoes. Get out of here with no money in your account? With no money. I had just enough. Or maybe, I think Christy might have even bought them for me. There you go. Because it had come out by that point that I was like broke.

She's like, I'll buy you a pair. I will buy you a pair of Clarks. Yeah. It was a night to remember. The part that makes me crawl the most is a group dinner. I always tell people in Vegas, I'm like, if you're in a group, this is the only way you do dinner in Vegas. Split up the checks.

No. All at the bar. Everybody eat at the bar, drink at the bar. So everybody's individual. Or this is the greatest thing people don't think about. That's why you do buffets because you pay in line when you get there. So they charge each person individually. And then you're not

worried about what anybody else... That is a crazy story. That was so good. We can close out this. So they had to keep her from kicking people. Gonzalez has been charged with battery. She was much calmer

in court Friday morning, remaining mostly silent while the judge set a bond for her. There we go. I hope she never made it. I hope she made it to Vegas. I do too. And I know she probably did in the end. Probably rebooked.

She rebooked and rebooted. Yeah. And then maybe probably lost all of her money in Vegas. That's probably what happened. All right. Story two, down in the books. Can you give us a little teaser? By the way, she gambled and lost before of her money in Vegas. That's probably what happened. All right. Story two, down in the books. Can you give us a little teaser? By the way, she gambled and lost before she even got to Vegas.

That's right. She gambled on that fight. She can't handle the blame. Can't handle a three-year-old fucking kid. All right, Dan. What are we going to see in the third cycle? We have the most innocent of criminals. I love that.

Innocent criminals coming back on the other side of this break. Dumb People Town with Sarah Schafer. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dumb people town uh we have sarah schaefer with us she has a new album it's called eat pray love live laugh love and go get it on itunes or wherever you get comedy albums it's a great way to support. This is a funny person that if you know her, you know she's funny.

If you don't know her and we're introducing you to her. You're welcome. You're welcome. You now know of a very, very funny person. Are you on the road at all supporting and doing stand-up? I was on a break. My next gig is at Acme Comedy Club. One of the best.

It's on 4th through 8th. I'm doing a series called Crash and Burn. We do new material on stage all week. By the end, you have 20 minutes. New material. What a great idea. It's not improvised. You can write it. You just can't have

ever performed it anywhere. Well, you're coming off your album, so you want to start writing up the next. Brilliant. I love it. Hey, if you want to see how the process works and the good news about Acme is that great comedy fans come to that club. It's not like one of these clubs where it's like they understand what

you're about to do. Yeah, I was told that some people will come on Tuesday night to see the first show and then come on Saturday to see how you developed it. That's great. That's awesome. Well, go see that and come see us at Wise Guys Comedy Club in Salt Lake City.

One of the best in the country. Keith Stubbs runs a great club. Tickets are going for that one. Yeah, May 31st and June 1st.

There's only two nights, four shows. You only have four shots to catch us and those tickets are going fast. So please, please get on that.

Lots of Utah jazz references throughout that whole thing. We will. Of course. The jazz in Utah. And Dan has a bunch of dates on danielvancurk.com. He's got more tour dates coming up. Yep.

In the Midwest and the East Coast. And then I'll be at Clusterfest in a few weeks doing a live pen pal. And mid-July, we're going to do another live Dumb People Town at Largo on, I believe, July 15th. That's a Monday night. So the guests. Maybe we'll get Jeff Goldblum. TBD. TBD. We shall see. Wouldn't that be fun. That's a Monday night. So the guests... Maybe we'll get Jeff Goldblum. TBD. TBD.

We shall see. Wouldn't that be fun? That's achievable. Yeah, he is. He's totally achievable. He does. He does. All right, let's get into this last story.

The most innocent criminal in the world. It's a quick one, and it's fun. Sent in by Molly Connolly, at Molly Reese, R-E-E-C-E. Thanks, Molly. Appreciate you. Appreciate it. Sometimes, things aren't always what they seem.

Yeah. Take the case of a burglary in progress call in Oregon. Thanks, Molly. Appreciate you. Sometimes, things aren't always what they seem. Take the case of a burglary in progress call in Oregon. Is this a raccoon? Sheriff's deputies in Washington County received a 911 call Monday from a woman who said someone had broken into her home and locked themselves in her

bathroom. To cry. It was Sarah Schaefer. Was I there? I can't afford this. All right. They found it. She told police she could see shadows moving under the door.

Deputies responded to the scene and their trusty canine officer ready to take down a burglar. They could hear rustling noises coming from behind the door. It's a raccoon. I'm telling you,

it's a raccoon. But the suspect wasn't responding to commands to come out with their hands up. Raccoon. So with guns drawn, deputies opened the door ready to pounce. And shot the shit out of a raccoon.

This was sent to me so many times. Instead, they were met by a Roomba. Oh my God! A robotic vacuum cleaner that appeared to be trapped inside. It was crying? That's a lot of explanation for a non-Greenlee article, Dan. She said she heard crying? I thought so, didn't she?

I guess. Maybe just. She heard rustling noises. I said there was crying. They could hear rustling noises coming from behind the doors. They could hear distinct cleaning noises in the corners of the bathroom. It was her own Roomba. I think she was house sitting

The Roomba was coming from inside the house We breached the bathroom door And encountered the very thorough vacuuming job This poor Roomba is just working its ass off I hope they kick down the door Off the hinges This was told by Sheriff's Deputy Brian Rogers said

They come in and they're like stop moving Stop They almost killed that Roomba Deputy Brian Rogers said they come in and they're like, stop moving. Stop. Oh, my God. They almost killed that room. I know. If it was a black room, they would have shot first. I'm just saying that's true. It's true.

It's true. And that's part of the problem. That's part of the problem. The case is now closed, but not before the sheriff's office shared a captured photo of the culprit. This is what they put on their Facebook page. Most wanted captured. Oh, I love put on their Facebook page. Most wanted. I love when cops are like, we're funny. We get a lot of them.

Now that they all have Facebook pages. They all have Facebook pages, so that's their thing to be funny on the Facebook page. We're cute. Oh, man. We're not paramilitary organizations. Imagine that negotiation, though. Just say something to us, man or woman, who's ever in there. Just give us something.

We want to help you. Stop. Stop whatever you're doing. I would totally fall for that because I'm so scared of heart invasion. And it would just, I would see that and I would freak the hell out.

Or you'd hear it. But how did the door shut on it? It must have been locked. Here's what I bet happened. I bet it was open a crack. The Roomba came in and then it goes to clean along the door and then as it starts to go around the door

it shuts the door. But the lock was pressed from up above and they didn't know it was in there. Geez, you've solved this mystery. I mean, the Roomba did try and steal $20,000 worth of jewels. Yeah, it did. Let's be honest. My boyfriend almost called the police to come check on me recently.

Because you were scared of something? A few months ago. It was like two months ago. I was in bed really late at night and the floodlight outside our bedroom kept going on it was a motion sensor and it was like click on click off well but it was it was freaking me out so i'm like around the house with a pipe wrench and like because those things really it's like they're really heavy always call me to walk around your house i'm dead serious i honestly like might have to do that because he's gone a lot.

And I'm like, oh, my God. I love you and Scott. You have my push to be like, can you just walk up the driveway? I texted him and I was like, are you awake? He's not awake. And I'm just like, it's going on and off. I don't know what to do. But then I'm realizing it's going on and off so quickly that it's malfunctioning.

There's something wrong with it. It's a battery issue. But I'm so spazzed out now and I hang up this other blanket i need to get blackout curtains that's like one of the main things i'm actually gonna go try to buy some today but um good but the next morning i would like had not slept all night long and i'm just like dead asleep so he and i'm getting all these text messages from the neighbors and him like are you alive you didn't realize what you set up the night before. You set up the emotion and then eventually.

Cause I went through the whole emotional, like, okay, it's not anything. There's nothing. And I kept looking out the window. There's nothing out there. And you know,

and he didn't, he wasn't there for all that. And I never texted him like figured it out. It's all good. No, you just texted him like never heard anything. He's like, are you all right?

The police are knocking down your door. It's just a Roomba. Now I'll get a wellness check on you from him. Can you go just check on her? I know it's 10am, but could you just make sure she's alright? Always for a friend.

Sarah Schaefer, again, the album is called Live, Laugh, Love. Get it right now and get it right. If you do it out of order, you die. But if you're near Acme, go see that. June 4th through the 8th. Come see us at Wiseguys at the end of this month. And then Dan on all his dates this evening

heads towards Clusterfest. Guys, we got to get back to work. Oh, shit! Dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb