Dumb People Town - Sarah Silverman - It Escalated So Quickly

Episode Date: April 24, 2018

This week, Sarah Silverman (I Love You, America) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a man trashes a hotel room with pepperoni and seagulls.In Story #2, a zoo operation manager puts an intruder in an alligator hold. In Story #3, a woman thinks she has food poisoning, but instead finds out she's pregnant and giving birth.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, dirt, don't be a jerk. That's when the music gets the funny hits and we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Silverman. I was of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Silverman. Oh, yes.

I was going to say Population Jew. Population Jew. It's the Population Silverman show. Hi, Sarah Silverman. Wait. This is called Dumb People Town? Yes. You did Sklarbro.

Now, you did Sklarbro Country in the past. That's what I thought this was. This is Dumb People Town. This is Dumb People Town. Totally different. It is. It is. And actually really close to home

with all the stuff that you explore in your amazing Hulu show, which we'll get to later. What is Dumb People Town about? So listen, the world that we feel is getting dumber. Dumber is getting louder or dumb and smart are in a death match and dumb has just dumb strength. Even if Todd Glass

disagrees with us. Which he does. He does fervently disagree with us. We feel like our only way to battle it is through comedy. Our only way is to use humor to fight back the dumb title. Yeah, let's weaponize humor. So much it's like, it's okay to be dumb now. And I'd like to say, no, it's not. No, it's not.

We have to call it. Well, I mean, the beginnings of authoritarian governments start with demonizing intellectuals and taking their power away and making the media the enemy and saying, only get your news

from my Twitter feed or whatever. I don't know who you're referencing. They don't always have Twitter. They didn't always have Twitter in the start of authoritarian governments. But wouldn't it be sweet if they did? But now they do. Yes. You're right. So we, as you know, there are just dumb things happening all

the time. And our awesome fans send us great dumb stories, our dumb ears on the ground. And then Dan knows the stories. We don't know the stories. You don't know the stories. And we're just going to try and break them down and understand human behavior, all of us together. Can you handle that? While joking around about it.

Do you want to do a story? Let's do a story, Dan. Okay. This was sent in by Justin Roth at joth11, J-O-T-H. Love him. Great. After he inadvertently trashed one of its rooms with packs of pepperoni and some unruly seagulls,

the Empress Hotel has granted a Nova Scotia man a pardon and lifted a lifetime ban. By the way, there is nothing more Nova Scotia than trashing your room with unruly seagulls. That's like straight Nova Scotia. But this is a tale of a man who went, ruined his hotel room, was banned for life by a hotel, and they've recently decided to let him back in. And the story of what he did to this hotel room on quote-unquote accident

is so dumb. I'm confused. He brought seagulls into the room? I'll tell you. 17 years ago, Nick Burchill. 17 years ago, by the way, it's a post-9-11 world. Is it? No. 17 years ago. 17 years ago, Nick Burchill. 17 years ago, by the way. It's a post-9-11 world. Is it? No, 17 years ago.

17 years ago is 2001. Depends on when. If it's 17 years ago now, we're pre-9-11. So maybe he was just feeling good. I don't think he tries that in October of 2001. I don't think he tries to pull it. But in July, he's like, what's going to happen to the world? But also, this is Canada.

Yeah, anything's possible. This is basically Narnia. They should. When you go through customs, it should be a closet. It should be a wardrobe. We'll pop the back of this, eh? And then you just slide right through that, eh? 17 years ago, Nick Burchill stayed at the Empress for

a work-related conference. He was in the Canadian Naval Reserve, and his Navy buddies asked that he bring Brothers Pepperoni. Now, is that a Canadian thing? I thought they had said bring your Brothers Pepperoni, but it's a type. Type of Brothers Pepperoni is a Canadian pepperoni. Yes. There are lots of Canadians who go to pizza places,

and they're like, what kind of pepperoni you got? I don't want it if you don't got brothers. Better get that brother. Because this was the Navy we're talking about. This is a quote from Nick Burchell. Because this was the Navy we were talking about, I brought enough for a ship. Enough pepperoni for a ship.

That's a lot of pepperoni. I can't even eat, by the way, this is like a sign of me getting older. Yeah, I can't eat like three pepperonis. Is it pepperoni? Pepperoni. What is the plural? I don't think you just say pepperoni.

Pepperon. Pepperon. Would you like a pepperon? I literally can't eat three. If I go three, then I'm like, I got to lay down. Something happens. Oh, like the slices on a pizza? Yeah.

It's like too much. It like burns. I don't want that life. But can't get ready for it down the line? I've been groaning since I was six or seven. Stop. Are you a vegetarian? Yeah.

Oh, you're smart. Do you remember the last meet you ate? When you were like, I'm good. It was a Happy Meal. Really? Mm-hmm. Nuggets? Burger.

Burger. Probably a burger, a cheeseburger. Oh, because Happy Meals can be- You can nugget it up. Oh, back in the day, it was only a cheeseburger Oh, because Happy Meals can be You can nugget it up Oh, back in the day it was only a cheeseburger or a hamburger But it was a cheeseburger Happy Meal Because I had figured out turkey is a turkey We live next to a meat farm

That'll do it But it took me a while of a couple more years of Happy Meals Before I was like, this is also an animal. Yeah. Well, if it was nuggets, we can't be sure. We don't know that for sure. Nuggets are, yeah. We cannot be sure what that is.

I think it's just like also the meat. It's just like thousands of liquefied cows and then they just. They get squirted onto the grill. Yeah. It's just all gross to me. I believe in the animal kingdom but I am not a carnivore. Mushrooms.

Any vegetables. I eat cheese. I eat cheese and I eat eggs. So if it comes out of their boobs or their vaginas, I'll eat it. But if it takes their life, I won't eat it. Those are words to live by. If it comes out of their boobs or their vaginas, I'll eat it. But if it takes their life, I won't eat it. Those are words to live by. If it comes out of their boobs or vaginas, I'll eat it. But I remember my dad, we were at Kentucky Fried Chicken,

and everyone was shouting out their orders. And I was seven or eight, and then it was my turn, and I said, I'll just have biscuits. And then my dad, I remember he sat me down at a little table for two there, and he's like, why don't we just admit that you're a vegetarian and figure out what you can eat? Oh, that's awesome. That's a great dad moment.

It's a great dad moment for him to see that and to pick that out of your order and then just be like, okay, here we go. Because I think that's how it had been for a while. I just wasn't eating the meat. I can't handle this anymore. Let's sit down. Nick Burchill's pepperoni pack suitcase was misplaced by

the airline and arrived in Victoria a day late. Burchill felt the pepperoni was still edible, but thought he should keep it cool until he turned over the goods to his Navy brethren. His fourth floor room facing the inner harbor was

large but lacking a refrigerator. So he opened it up. He left it outside. It was April. So 17 years ago. This is pre-9-11. It was April. The air was chilly. And an easy way to keep all of his food cool would just be to keep it next to an open window

overlooking the harbor. So... What can go wrong here? This is so dumb. A suitcase full of pepperoni. So suitcase full. And he's not being a dick. He brought enough pepperoni for an entire ship. He's not being a dick. Yeah, no. I'm really... He's winning me over because

honestly, as dumb as this is, I do not think I would be like, what am I thinking? Seagulls are going to come. That's right. Nothing could go wrong here. I want it to be a family of seagulls. I wonder how fast the seagulls, because you know seagulls in their brains

are just like, who's bringing the suitcase of pepperoni? You guys, there is literally a suitcase of pepperoni. She goes back and tells the rest of them, they're like, I'm not doing it. You know what? You do this all the time. You're like, oh, there's going to literally a suitcase of pepperoni. What? Did you say suitcase of pepperoni? I'm not doing it. You know what? You do this all the time. You're like, oh, there's going to be a ton of food. You're like, guys.

Dave, there's a suitcase of pepperoni. I know what happened before. The window is open, and there's a suitcase. I was at Paradise Cove in north of Malibu. I know it. That little restaurant. The only place you can drink beer and wine on the beach. Right. Somehow they've been grandfathered in.

And these people had left their stuff, their beach stuff. And the best thing, if anybody wants a pro tourist tip, go to Paradise Cove when tide is coming in. Because people sit at the beach and are too dumb to realize that about one out of every 40 waves is going to come a lot farther than the last one. And just destroy all their stuff. I've sat there numerous times and watched people run for their lives with all their stuff. I don't know where they went. Maybe the entire family

got stuck in a riptide. I don't know. But they left all their stuff and bags of chips and these seagulls were coming down and eating and making this huge mess. So every couple of minutes I would go over there and re-put their bags away and i'm just waiting you know when you're just like i am gonna unload on these people when they get here they're like this is bad for these animals yeah and their stuff just keeps getting hit by more and more water and it's like a radio like all this stuff and i don't even care yeah and i watched they come back never

saw them come back i eventually eventually dragged their stuff up. What if they're standing off to the side and saying, look at this asshole. He keeps coming up back to our stuff. We put this stuff. We don't care about it. This dummy's looking at my stuff. This dumb guy here. Suitcase full of roni.

It was April. The air was chilly. Suitcase full of pepperoni is like the album that Dan Aykroyd made after Believe Me, Die. That's what got him. And that's what got him into We Are the World. That album got him. A lot of people don't know. People are like, how's Aykroyd in there?

Don't release this album. But it's like, hey, it's like this backup to Briefcase Full of Blues. But I'm just going to say this. If there was a We Are the World today, you can sing. And if they said, do you want to be in it? Would you try not? Even though years later,

people would be like, why was she in it? You would do it. You'd do it, right? You would definitely do it. You would think about it. To sing with all of the current luminaries of music. By the way, fun on the day,

but that shit just stays forever. Stays forever. Yeah, I don't know. I really don't know. You'd do it for the bit. You would get out of doing that? If there's not comedy in it or like a comedy angle. No, but was there any comedy in what Ackroyd was doing?

No. None, none. He just believed in it. You'd get easily 10 minutes out of it if you did it. Oh, you'd get a story. You'd get a story. I'd get a great story for friends, but I'm not the kind of comic that does that

from showbiz experiences. Well, I would do it and have everybody wonder why the hell I was there. Dan, if you... Yes. If you were asked to be on We Are the World... Which I obviously would be. Yes.

Okay, so he leaves the pepperoni by the open window. Opens the door. He spread the packages of pepperoni on a table and along the windowsill. This is... door. He spread the packages of pepperoni on a table and along the window sill. Then? That's more inviting. Did you know a comedy... I don't want to blame the victim.

Did you know a comedy team or know of a comedy team named Zach and Mac? No. These two enormous black dudes. Enormous, like 400-pound black dudes. Kevin Kataoka tells the story of going on the road the week after they were there. What they did in the comedy condo, they

made their own bacon. They fried up their own bacon. They made so much bacon that they dried it out in the sheets on the bed. The bed smelled like bacon grease. To me, this feels like a very

Zach and Matt Coo Mac who they said were not funny at all, except for the way they came to the stage where one of them would come to the stage first and grab. They're not brothers. They're just two enormous black men. Don't act like all comedy teams are brothers. They have to be brothers.

This is only our experience. That's all Randy and I know. They're not even brothers. That's Randy's slight against them. I should also tell you, They're not even brothers. That's Randy's slight against them. I should also tell you, they're not even brothers. Okay, so you're going to tell me that there's some others. Brothers aren't brothers too? Fine, whatever. So one guy comes to the stage and grabs those two giant airplane orange things,

and he goes to the thing and waves the other one. That's funny. That was hilarious, and then their act didn't live up to that. But whatever. Hey, you started strong. That was hilarious. And then their act didn't live up to that. But whatever. I mean. Hey, you started strong. It's funny when people have like a big opening thing and then it just goes like,

there used to be a guy, I don't remember his name. I saw him once. He came through New York. He looked scary. He's like a white guy with long, stringy, scary hair and a long beard

before that was like the hipster. Right. And he wore like a dirty to the floor trench coat. And then he held like a long handle axe. And then he goes on stage and he lets the audience take him in. And then the joke is just, how would you like to have me as a next door neighbor? And then the rest are just like rental car jokes. It's just so much

to have to travel with. With that act for that joke and that's it. Yeah. Alright, well Nick Burchill spread the pepperoni on the bed, on the table, on the windowsill, then went for a leisurely four or five hour walk. What?

Yeah, you're checking out the area. You're in a new place. Four or five hours? He's happy he's not around his family. It's a work weekend. A surprise awaited him when he returned. I remember walking down the long hall and opening the door to my room to find an entire flock of seagulls in my room.

The band? Yes. So what did you do? He ran so far away to try and get away from it. I didn't have time to count, but there were so many in my room eating pepperoni for a long time. I'm going to ask you guys to guess

how many seagulls were in his room. This is a one-room hotel. You can go first, Tig, or third. Tig chose to go in between the two of us. Tig's the first person to ever want to go second. Go in between me and Jason. I'll take it. Okay, Jay or Ran, how many

seagulls did he say were in his room when he opened that door? I don't know that he's accurate because I don't trust him at all. I mean, he probably was out walking for Jay or Rand? Jay, go first. How many seagulls did he say were in his room when he opened that door? He's going to... I don't know that he's accurate because I don't trust him at all. I mean, he probably was out walking for a half hour and he said four or five. I'll say 40. I'll say he'll say there were four. Oh, my God.

Yes. So far away from where I was thinking. All right. You're up, Sarah. You're second. You're up. I'll say 14. Okay.

Oh, I think he's going to say there were 200 seagulls in my room. All right. I'm going to tell you guys. One of you has guessed it exactly right. Now we get to play our second game. Who's right? Who's right? Sarah, do you want to go first, second, or third on who do you think is right?

Me or Jay? 200, 14, or 40. Okay. I think I'm right. I think it's 40. Okay. I think I'm right. You're not second. I think Randy's right. I think it's 40. I think I'm right. You're not second.

I think Randy's right. 200. Yeah, because I'll tell you why. Because when he said it, you nodded at him. That was Dan's tell. Is that his tell? I didn't even see it. But maybe not, because I think that's crazy. I think I have a much more reasonable amount. You do, but you're a much more reasonable person.

14 would destroy a room. That is very... 14 is like a lot of seagulls. Yeah, that's an insane amount. You do, but you're a much more reasonable person. 14 would destroy a room. That is very... 14 is like a lot of seagulls. Yeah, that's an insane amount. You guys don't know how much pepper... A suitcase full of pepperoni. Yeah. Right. Isn't that a police album? I know. According to Nick Burchill,

when he opened the door to his room... Our source for this whole thing. And they'd been eating pepperoni for a long time. Dumb People's Home listeners, get your answers in now. Shut up, you're on radio. The amount of seagulls he saw in his room was 40.

Jason Sklar! Very, very nice. 40 seagulls. That is a good guess. That means pulling up from a deep end area. Do you go in that room? You open that up and see it.

Do you just shut it and be like, I've got to get somebody else to deal with this? I mean, I'll tell you this. I'm not to take away from Jason, but 40 clearly had to be a guesstimate. There's no way he's staying in there and going, wait, no, stay. Don't move. I'm counting. I'm on 31. Guys, if you don't let me tag, stay. Don't move. I'm counting. I'm on 31.

If you don't let me tag you, I won't know. The truth is, he said 40, but there probably were 14. He said 30 to 40. Thank you so much. Or he said there are 40 seagulls there and the person at the front desk is like, 14? No, 40. It was at this time that Nick Burchell discovered that spicy pepperoni

does not agree with a seagull's digestive system. That's why I'm asking you guys, would you go into this room? The room was covered in guano. Nick Burchell's entry startled the birds, so they were calmly shitting and eating until he walked in. What's guano? Bird poop. I learned that today, too. They immediately started flying around

and crashing into things as they desperately tried to leave the room through the small opening by which they had entered, he said. They're just trying to get out of it. It's not their fault. Less composed seagulls are attempting to leave through the other closed windows. The result was a tornado of seagull excrement feathers,

pepperoni chunks, and fairly large birds whipping around the room. By the way, this is the special on Ed Papa John's. You got to ask for it. That's extra. Lamps tumbled to the floor and curtains were trashed. To Nick Burchill's credit, he waded through the flock and opened all the remaining windows so the gulls could escape. This guy's a hero.

All right. So he's bringing nice. This guy is the biggest hero. He realizes this is on him. He did not need to walk around for four and a half hours. Yeah. Or leave food out of a window. Yeah.

It's a big mistake, but it's an innocent mistake. Yeah. There was no malice in what he was doing. But this is the type of thing. We say that sometimes things happen where nobody's to blame and nobody did anything wrong, but this is what happens in Dumb People Town. Yeah, this was a dumb thing that he did wrong.

He definitely did something wrong. Don't ever leave your pepperoni out by the harbor. I mean, I've definitely done things equally as dumb. Oh, yes. One tried. Like Donna Summer said it best. Someone left my pepperoni out by the harbor. Well, believe it or not, this gets more dumb on his part.

Oh, God. One bird tried to re-enter the room and grab another piece of pepperoni, and in my agitated state, I apologized, but I took off one of my shoes and threw it at him. It did not hit the bird. No. Of course. When the intruders were down to one remaining seagull,

he chased it through the room as it held a big chunk of pepperoni. It's my favorite scene in Rocky. My favorite scene in Rocky. He's trying to catch the seagull. He chased it through the room as it held a big chunk of pepperoni in its gob. It's my favorite scene in Rocky. My favorite scene in Rocky. He's trying to catch the seagull. Close. Nick then grabbed a towel, captured the bird, and put it out the window, dropping the towel. Unbeknownst to Nick Burchill, the

shoe and towel fell to the emperor's front lawn amidst a large group of tourists who were walking towards the tea room. So these people are like taking a tour of this hotel and there are birds and shit and pepperoni.

And towels and shoes. Flying down. By then it was almost time to go to his dinner with his customers. He's been newly hired at this job. He's in town to meet with customers. Terrible. But Nick Burchell... He's got the best story.

He's got... Great story. Great story. You know the power of having a good story for a dinner. It's like every meeting. Oh, yeah. If you can walk in with a good opener, you've got a story. Your show is solid.

You've got a good meeting. So it's almost time for dinner. But Nick Burchell only had one shoe. Oh, God. He went out and found it. It was damp from landing in the mud and a wet patch of soil. Back in his room,

Bertil, Nick, tried to dry the shoe with a hair dryer. When his phone rang, he was startled and the hair dryer fell into a sink filled with water. Imagine his surroundings and he has now dropped a hair dryer. This is like... Imagine his surroundings and he has now dropped a hair dryer. This is his next

quote. I don't know how much of the hotel's power I knocked out. Oh. I love this guy so much. His room is covered in shit. There's pepperoni feathers everywhere. The room is sacked. Are you sure this isn't like a scene from Mr. Bean?

Like it does feel like a movie. He then tries to clean his shoe and knocks out power to the hotel by dropping it. I love this guy. Why did he have a sink full of water? Yeah. Who has a sink full of water? Because that's what he's probably trying to clean the shoe. Yeah, I guess.

Trying to put the shoe in the water to get the mud off of it, but didn't release the... But then the phone rang and startled him. Right. Who hears the phone? It's a bathroom. It's a hotel bathroom phone. Oh, okay. Who is that? Did you look him up? It's someone named Nicholas J.

Burchell. This one says England. Maybe he moved back to the mother country. Nick, how do you spell it? B-U-R-C-H. Hold on. I'm already wrong. Find him.

Find him. Find him, Sarah. Did you guys not look to think? No, we don't know this stuff. Nick Burchell. E-L-L? Yes. Wait, I-L-L.

B-U-R-C-H-I-L-L. I'm also going to bring up a photo. Okay, here he is. You got him? Nova Scotia, Canada. Enjoying life's adventures with family and friends. That pretty much sums it all up. This looks just like the kind of guy that would drop a hair dryer in the sink.

Look at him. He's not fully in the picture, but he is the picture. I mean, we could have had him calling in, you guys. This is a picture in the article of him retelling the story to the front desk people 17 years later, and they think it's hilarious. Of course they think it's hilarious. It's Nova Scotia. But how do they...

Okay, this is my question. And I ask this all the time. He is now in the dark. When they say someone's been banned from somewhere, like they're going to ban someone from Fenway Park because he was an asshole. Well, they have his room reservation info and the company that he worked for. Right, right. But what I'm saying, from a larger place, you're banned from this place forever.

Can't you just show up to a stadium? You get banned from Disneyland. How are they really going to know? I bet Disneyland has facial recognition cameras. What if he paid for his room with cash? Right. But his company paid for the room with cash? Right. Like fake Canadian money. You know, like their silly money that

they have up there. Canadian money is fake. Okay, so he's now... Are you reading his tweets? I am. Anything juicy? Please don't make us hate him. They've since had a 60 million dollar restoration at the Empress Hotel. Okay, good. Nice to know. The room's got modern

amenities and air conditioning to keep his pepperoni cool. But imagine him now, guys. He's standing in the dark in a hotel room covered in bird shit feathers. And he's got to go to a meeting. Yes. And he's knocked out the power. And his shoe is... He says, I don't know how much of

the hotel's power I knocked out, but at that point, I decided I needed help. He says he called the front desk to fess up. I can still remember the look on the lady's face when she opened the door, he said. She had brought with her one small cleaning kit. Yeah. And opened that door. She was like, nope.

We're going to need a bigger boat. Nope. We're going to need a bigger boat. Yes. But have you ever trashed a hotel room before? Never. Absolutely not. I going to need a bigger boat. Yes. But have you ever trashed a hotel room before? Never.

Absolutely not. I know. I leave it immaculate. So do I. Any trash I left on a table or desk in the trash, I leave a tip.

I leave a note. You leave a note? You do. What do you usually say? I just say, thank you so much. And I make it in bubble letters and then leave the check there.

That's so nice. Yeah, you do love America. No, I've never. You guys never. You went to a party once where they thought everybody was going to move out, so they trashed the house. Oh, yeah. We went to a party in Minnesota, and they said, hey, come to this house. We're tearing down the house tomorrow.

We're like, so we can, and we We show up at the house and someone's like, hey, you want to see something cool? Takes a football and throws it out from the inside through the front window. And then someone is just talking to someone. They just kick their foot through the wall. It was so fun. And we're like, whoa, what's happening? They're like, oh, this house is going to be gone. And then we found out the next day

that it was not going to be torn down. That was a misinformation. They were under the assumption that it was. And then be torn down. That was a misinformation. They were under the assumption that it was. And then you said, let's make a podcast. Yes. This is what has to be covered.

Okay. So he left the dismayed cleaner and went to his dinner. I'm sure that was a lot of like, ma'am, I'm sorry, I have to go. When Bertil returned, his items had been moved to a smaller room, which is a little... Eventually... He had to get that in at the Empress Hotel.

They gave me a smaller room. His company received a letter banning him from the Empress. Years passed, and Birchall wrote a mea culpa letter to the hotel. Quote, I have matured, and I admit responsibility for my actions. I come to you hand in hand to apologize

for the damage I had indirectly come to cause. Should have said toque in hand. And Canada. Canada. I come to you toque in hand. Oh, yeah. I come toque in hand. And to ask you to reconsider my lifetime ban from the property.

I hope you will see fit to either grant me a pardon or consider my years away from the Empress's time. Like a pardon is like what people give. Nelson Mandela got a pardon. He's weighed on his heart for years. Tracy Drake. Again, Nelson Mandela got a pardon. Did he get a pardon at the end? A pardon? He became president.

I know, they let him out of jail first. He was unlawfully... He was the great Chris Rock fit. And then he got divorced. He couldn't make a marriage work after being married. Tracy Drake, the Empress Director of Public Relations, said, as wild as it sounds, the story is true.

Drake, who heard the news Sunday, initially thought it was an April Fool's joke, but long-term staff confirmed the tale. She said, it's one of those things where you can't make this stuff up. Birchall visited Victoria and the Empress Hotel over Easter weekend. By the way, I hate when people say that, because you could totally make this stuff up. Virtual visited Victoria and the Empress Hotel over Easter weekend. By the way, I hate when people say that because you could

totally make that story up. You could. We could sit around and... You can make any story up. Any story can be made up. That's something you can't make up. Yeah, you can. You totally can. Everybody can. I went and saw A Quiet Place. This is true. They made it up. Yeah. Great story. Great story. Could it be real?

Came right out of his bean. Made it all up. Gone Girl. Great story. I don't know if it's a great story. Great story. Could it be real? Came right out of his bean. Made it all up. Gone girl. Great story. I don't know if it's a great story. Made it up. Ryan Reard in the hotel's director of rooms told him he is once again welcome as a guest. We'll get out here on this. Nick Burchill quipped, I bet it was the pound

of brother's pepperoni that I gave them as a peace offering that did the trick. Do you think he came back with open on the harbor? Yes. I mean, it gives the hotel a legend. Totally. But then does that become the room that they can't really

identify which room it was because no one's going to want to stay in that room. A $60 million reno, bro. Everyone's going to want to stay in it. The old Pepperoni room. This room was once covered in shit. What's his name? Nick Burchill. Why wouldn't they call him that?

Nick Burchill. Nick Burchill. That's Club Brothers. We're done with this story. Imagine the day when he dropped that shoe into that water and all the power went out. You mean the hair dryer? Yeah.

Here's a question. Why did he fill the sink with water? That's what we said. Because I think he was cleaning his shoe. How much water do you need? You're going to dip your patent leather shoe or whatever it is. He was blow drying it to dry it from being wet. I know, but I think he probably got the mud off. He was like, here, let me create a little

bowl or basin that I may clean this up. A wash basin. A wash basin. That's story one. That's story one. We have Sarah Silverman here on Dumb People Town. When we come back after this break, we're going to talk about her awesome show, and I want to talk about her amazing involvement in the Gary Shandling documentary,

which was incredible. All right, more Dumb People Town right after this. Hey, guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. We have Sarah Silverman on the show. Let's start with the Hulu show because it's fantastic. I love it so much. Can I tell you why I love it so much? Yes. I know you love America, but I love it so much because I feel like you, not that you didn't before in your stand-up, but I've always loved your stand-up. You know how much we love your stand-up. Just sitting backstage and writing jokes with you. You guys gave me an epic tag, obviously. It is one of

our, as tag writers, we love to tag jokes. I love it more than anything. It's just so fun to sit around with your friends and be like, hey, what was it? And then when someone uses it, it's the best feeling in the world. It feels like you wrote the joke. You do it for people all the time, too. It's like you feel like you wrote the joke. Yeah, it's so awesome.

It's the best. It's what's great about comedians and friends. Yeah, period. And friendship. Period. What I love about, and I've always loved your comedy, but I feel like in the last, maybe the last couple of years, certainly with this show,

you have made this movement towards truth in what you're saying and doing certainly in the monologues in the show yeah like those things are like i feel like if in my brain you're like okay what's the true thing that we want to kind of talk about here and then we'll write jokes kind of around this what's the true strand am i right yeah is that how you do it you're like okay we're gonna talk about kids and then we're gonna talk about you know well it's always just stuff that i come in like ranting about or talking about or i have like a little nugget of something or sometimes i call it stone soup which is like um you come in with this idea or a line or something that you just want to build everything around and then ultimately you end up

like ditching that initial line it doesn't No, but it follows a great path. And I also think you're also not afraid at all to go deep, deep, deep into the truth of what you're talking about now on this show. It's so good. Because you're like, we'll be funny. There will definitely be the funny. We'll be funny. Yeah, I'm confident it'll be funny. But also, right before we started, I had this idea for a show.

I wanted to do this show. Right before we started, I had this idea for a show. I wanted to do this show. And then at the last minute, I had this realization that if it isn't super dumb and silly, number one first, then it will be really obnoxious. And I think people watching it will just be like, fuck you. So I just thought anything heady, anything that I'm trying to say has to be served in a big, bready sandwich of aggressively silly and dumb. Let's talk about those. The one bit about the kids show, having kids who are in the school system right now. I often say to my kids, you are not.

They'll be like freaking out about dumb shit math homework that they have to do. And I'm like, I can tell you as an adult, you will not need to know this. Like math comes in your life and when you're totaling up a bill or you're trying to like divide up stuff and like it comes in certain ways, but unless you're an engineer, you're not gonna need it.

And I know my kids, I know what they're gonna probably go into. And I'm like, you're not going to need this. It's dumb. So that was the premise of like, hey, schools teach our kids a bunch of dumb things. So you're like, I'm like, you're not going to need this. It's dumb. So that was the premise of like, hey, schools teach our kids a bunch of dumb things. Oh, when I did the high school. And you're like, I'm going to go there.

It's such a good premise. And then of course you were just absolutely ridiculous and silly. But that I kept on thinking about that through the entire piece where I was like, yeah, schools teach kids a bunch of dumb stuff that they don't need and the kids stress about it and this and that.

But you're like, yeah. All the things you were trying to get them to do was hilarious. And I imagine those were just regular kids. You walked in there and you're like, we're just going to shoot for like two hours. And I'm just going to be silly and improvise all this stuff with you. Yeah, yeah. So good. It was hard because that was like a little character-y.

Like being the teacher. But the truth was I was just like in awe of these kids. They were pretty good kids. I was just like really talking with them. Yeah, they seem like the best kids ever. When you, the thing about throwing the tampons. I mean, as a father of daughters, I was like. It's the best.

Goes in the bathroom. If you haven't seen it, go see it. I'm not giving it away. But you take a tampon and just each kid takes it and throws it against the wall. Each girl takes it and throws it against the wall and says something very truthful but very funny. Some of them were real and some of them

we made up for. It's very clear. Clear what was and what wasn't, but some of them you're laughing out loud and some of them you want to cry because it is so great to see a girl just do that, especially that age. Yeah.

Yeah. Fucking great show. I love it. I want everyone to watch it. Are you going to do more? Maybe? Yeah, we're doing 10 more. Great.

Yeah, it's very exciting. Sorry, Dave, just kidding. Yeah, I'm good. It's awesome. It's hard because it's, to me, it's so, like, I really, we love making the show, and Hulu really just let us make this show. But now, I mean, I think they wish the guests were famous celebrities, even though that was never what I pitched,

and it's never what it's going to be. And they also have been pushing to have the monologues be of the news of this day. And I try to tell them like... It's not evergreen that way. One, it's not evergreen. And this is how I pitched the show, that the monologues are about the symptoms of how we are at today. It's relevant because this is where we are in this moment right now. Although 10 we made, the beginning over the are just as relevant now, if not more.

Absolutely. We are going to add like a two-minute like spitfire today's news. Great. But, you know, I tell them like there's so many shows to go to for that, you know, that are fantastic. And this is what I can have is different. Right. This is different. This is a different approach. Yeah. It's so you I can have is different. Right. This is different. This is, this is a different approach.

It's so you too, which I love. Stick by me, but you know, we were hoping to make more than 10. It's hard to catch on with 10 episodes in a year. I know, but it's still a great, it's a great show. What I love is that you also are very inquisitive. Like we are too. You know, you are very inquisitive. Like, why is this the way this is? So Jewish. Isn't it so Jewishisitive like, why is this the way this is? So Jewish. Isn't it so Jewish to be like, why is this the way this is? How do we get to this point? The centerpiece of the Passover Seder is a kid asking four questions. And that is the essential

part of, that's what comedy is. That's why a lot of Jews, I think, go into comedy because you're constantly in this moment. Dan, you can understand that. Dan gets this. How many times do you think Manish Tanalailo is that? All the time. All the time. But essentially, that's the beginning of almost every comedy, any observational comedy joke. You ever notice we do this? Why do we do this?

I mean, that's what it is. And so why is this happening to you? Or why does this? Or why can't we do that? Or why do I do this? And then that. So we just finished this project that's out now and then we will get to a story about

basically whenever we go around and do stand up in a town we try and write like 10 minutes of comedy about that town and what we're experiencing in that town and then people appreciate that so much if you dig in and get it right you get below the surface yeah that's the extra mile.

Because even right before you go out on stage, you go like, what's the big diner here? You throw that out. It's like you can't even believe it. So imagine doing 10 minutes of that at the top. So it forces you to get out. And we're like, let's document that. So it's on Audible right now. It's called Sclars and Stripes.

And it is basically, so we go around. Each chapter is a city. And the crazy thing was, the first chapter that we did was the weekend after the election in San Diego. So we're raw. San Diego is just like this fucking mess because you've got Republicans and Mexicans who are worried.

And liberal people who had chill people. And everybody's just worried. And then what happened was the next 13 months, we went to 10 cities. In the year where our nation got ripped in half. We have to go to Tulsa because we're booked there. We have to go to Kansas city. We have to go to St. Louis. We have to go to Houston. These aren't like red States that we're going to. They are red States. These aren't blue States. I'm saying they're like a bunch of different. And I feel like in our brains, we're

like, that's this, you have to love america you have to love this country to want to walk into those waters and be like let's all laugh together about this i feel like that's very much in the spirit and to ask them to love you to ask them to love us and to ask a room full of people who disagree maybe at their core about x y and z to laugh at because if we all laugh at one thing if we get a whole room people laughing you, you're like, all right, that's a start. We can all laugh at that. I'm going to say something really, first of all, generalized. So take it with a grain of salt. And also that will probably be, you know, might be controversial.

the country that in general, Republicans are able to laugh at themselves more than liberals are. So, yes. So when we were in Portland and in San Francisco, and in Madison and in Bloomington, we literally, some of the best targets we had were like the uber, super, super liberal nature of things and how people were like those. We thought that was funny,

but there were moments where we felt like they seized up a little bit. Because it's very interesting. It's like, you know how Jews make jokes about Jews? Yeah, right. Incessantly, all day, every day, and we love it. But like if you talk about, incessantly all day, every day, and we love it. But if you talk as a Jew and say,

Israel is fucked up and there shouldn't be an occupation or what they did, they killed that Palestinian and he just had a tire, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's when, I mean, my sister and her whole family is in Jerusalem and it's like, it makes them so, it's not that they don't agree, but it makes them terrified because it takes so little for the world to hate Jews. Right. They're like, you can't be the ones. But you can't ignore it in hopes that people won't hate Jews.

You have to face it. And I think that's a position of strength if you can be like, hey, we're strong enough to poke fun at this. And so similar to that, where liberals right now feel like, oh, my God, what's happening in this country? We're losing our democracy, blah, blah, blah. And I'm a liberal as well, obviously. But until we can not, you know, Republicans, Trump voters, all that aside, look at ourselves and within ourselves, then like really no change can happen. And you can't go, well, they're not looking inward. Well, don't worry about them right now. Right.

You can handle you. This is what you were saying at the Democratic National Convention on stage a little bit. Yeah. Well, I mean, people are still so. I know. I mean, the division within the left. Oh, yeah. Which I think people are having a hard time seeing is just what, quote unquote, they want and need.

Sure. Is just so out of control like they're just that you must agree with everything i feel down the line exactly or you are part of the problem or you're complicit and like you know there are ways in which i'm being i'm i'm sure i'll be hypocritical after saying what i'm saying but you know on election day and leading up to the election, what were we all like, whoa, the Republican Party is fucked up. Like they're having an identity crisis. They've got to figure out who they are.

And then the election happened and no one realized, like we're looking in a mirror. Right. And the Democratic Party's got to really look inward and see that they are just as complicit in Trump being president as the right. I mean, you know, look, he lost the popular vote and blah, blah, blah and all those things. And we all agree on all that stuff. But also, like, the Democratic Party is supposed to be the party of the working class and the party of, you know, the underdog or whatever, and they haven't been for a long time,

even during Obama's administrations, and obviously I love him, but he did not... Didn't do enough to... He didn't look after... By the way, and it's okay... What the detritus he knew would be left behind when doing... It's okay to criticize that, too.

Of course, and he would be the first one to say that i know it's a it's something that has to be always kept in check that's what makes your democracy great i agree all right let's make fun of some dumb people okay yeah no i'm with you on that all right i'm like i felt my mouth moving but i don't know what i said you said so let's talk about some pepperoni shit here we we go. This was sent in by Andy Russell at TheRussell4. Oh, he's good. I love it.

He's better than the Russell 1, 2, and 3. The number 4. Panama City Beach. When Zoo World operation manager Jess Kiefer, who you're going to learn is a girl who is not fucking around, spotted an unknown man wandering around the grounds before the zoo opened on Tuesday. That's got to be the scariest thing ever. You're a woman.

You're working at the zoo and an unidentified person, someone you have never seen before. Zoo is not open yet. Zoo is not open and someone who's there who should not be there. Just walking around. Okay. That's what I'm like. You let a bear loose. You know what I mean?

You're like, if he falls in the panda bear thing and they moan. Let an orangutan loose and be like, I don't know who opened that. I would be like, do I go call someone else and secretly follow this guy? Dan, you would follow the guy. Well, yeah, probably. I would run in the opposite direction. I alone would be like, do I want to deal with this right now? No, a guy who is in the zoo before the hour, he's been thinking

about that or drinking all night. You are in a location with lions and bears and the human man is the scariest threat. Thank you. Her first thought was about the safety of the animals. She didn't know how long he'd been on the property. He could be a dentist

from Minnesota. My first thought would not have been the safety of the animals. What would be your first thought? Her own safety. I'll tell you what I do. Sure. What are you going to do? I reach and get my handy this.

Oh, your mace. Mace pepper spray. Always keep it close. And bring it. I've got my mace and it's always in my backpack and when I feel a little nervous, I just have it in my hand. Finger on the trigger.

She didn't know how long the guy had been on the property, she recalled. She didn't know what he'd brought with him or if he had possibly gotten to an animal. One thing she did know, however, was that he wasn't going to get away. I love Jess! Here we go.

I told you. She's out for it. I always wondered, if I found someone who had broken in, what would I do with my fight or flight? Whether I would fight or fly away, said Jess Kiefer. I don't think she's capable of lives I don't a papa who lives on the zoo world property she's living like a modern-day Jane Goodall Wow yeah she but she's Jane battle you shared an egg.

Boo. I love it. It's amazing. I always thought I would fly, but I saw him, and I just went after him and grabbed him. I love this chick. She's amazing. Oh, my God. She's amazing. Right.

Hero. Right. A highly trained alligator handler. This is according to Zoo World director Kate Hogan. So she's got experience. She knows what she's dealing with. Do you have a giant mouth with like 87 teeth in it? No.

I can take you. Right. A highly trained alligator handler. She rolled her. According to Zoo World director Kate Hogan, Jess Kiefer took the man later identified as Jonah Abraham down how biblical is that

Sarah just reached for her phone Sarah is the first guest ever to start googling subjects who was like I need to know because Jonah Abraham sounds like someone who is in your sister's congregation we were going to play guess the age we were going to play guess the age with him

so you're going to get a head start but you want to look at him as soon as play guess the age. We were going to play guess the age with them. So you're going to get a head start. But you want to look at them as soon as we guess the age. Yeah. Look them up. I mean, this could be 20. It could be 80. I feel like it could be Jonah Hill's real name that we didn't know. Jonah Abraham.

Jonah Abraham? Yeah. Had many sons? No, Feldstein. Three people heard that. Later identified as Jonah Abraham. She took him down to the ground and put him in a, quote,

alligator hold. What is that? Putting all her weight on his neck and back to keep his head down and squeezing him with her legs to keep him from squirming away. So he was like walking. She rolls up behind, takes his ass down.

Lies, takes him to the ground. Legs around. Oh my God. Hands on the back of the neck. God bless this lady. You're immobilized. There is something sexy about what just happened. I know, and that's how your father and I met. What if that's the story 20 years from now? How I met your criminal father. It's so romantic.

Because he's just on the premises. Maybe he wandered. To find her. I'm sorry. He didn't know it, but he found her. Okay. This is where she gets to another level of badass. While Jess had Jonah on the ground,

she took out her phone and called 911, turning on the speaker and setting it on the ground so she could talk to dispatchers while handling it. Hands free, bitches. Yeah. Hands free. She's holding her phone out, speaker, 911, and he never gets away. He never gets away.

They tell you not to. Oh, my God. She is. I need to see what she looks like, too. Or either. I love her. Okay. I can't wait to see her.

Okay. Okay, so are we going to guess his age? No, there's more. There's more. There's got to be more. There has to be. She said she had to tell Abraham to be quiet a few times because he was yelling so loudly the dispatchers couldn't hear her.

Imagine that conversation. Kicking his ass in. I'm going to tell you again. Shut the fuck... Shut your goddamn mouth, man. Shut up. I am talking to a dispatcher right now. About what? About you, asshole.

You need to shut up. I love it. When he heard deputies were on their way, Jonah Abraham tried to bolt away from her. So Jess Kiefer switched up that grip, putting him in an MMA style choke hold according to police reports and keeping

him on the ground until deputies arrived. Dude, that is... What's the small talk when that happens? I don't know. That's what I was going to say. To me, it's a lot of her saying, it's a lot of her saying, are you done?

Are you done? Stop moving. Are you done? Stop moving. Are you done now? No. Because you're not going anywhere. I wonder if she talks to the alligators like that.

Then her next quote from Jess Kiefer remarked, I was a big wrestling fan when I was younger. Just a fan. Not a big wrestler. But she's handling gators on the reg. How psyched is she about the Andre the Giant documentary on HBO?

She's probably like having a party at the zoo where she lives. for her friends. Right. Now, speaking of hotel rooms from their last story

and Andre the Giant wrestling from this story, let's pull it together. I always heard that he had to shit in bathtubs because toilets were too small for him.

I believe that too. 100% believe it. I also heard that he had to drink upwards of like 80 to 100 beers to get drunk. He would drink like a barrel of beer. Yeah. He would drink a case of beer before wrestling. No.

Yeah, yeah. He would drink beers. He was drunk a lot. Yeah. Wow. I mean, it seems like why drink beer then? Why not drink a malt whiskey? Yeah, like a crevasse.

Katie Hogan arrived at the zoo. Katie Hogan is Hulk Hogan's daughter. Yep. She arrived at the zoo. That's the director of Zoo World. She arrived at the zoo about five minutes after the deputies who were waiting outside to tell her. So the cops are waiting outside to tell Katie Hogan

that Jess Kiefer had subdued the suspect all by herself. She's amazing. So the cops are like outside to tell Katie Hogan that Jess Kiefer had subdued the suspect all by herself. She's amazing. So the cops are like, you got this? We're going to wait until your boss comes and we're going to tell her. Keep holding him. We want her to see it. Keep holding him. We want to show people.

Is that really what it was? They were waiting outside to tell the director what her employee had done. By the way, this is an employee. I feel like people don't care enough about their jobs. She cares about the animals. She cares so much. She's got a lot of passion. When I arrived, I heard a male yelling, please let me go.

I'm sorry, the responding deputy wrote in the report. So they pull up. They get through the gate. They don't know where they're going, but they just hear a guy yelling, please let me go. I'm sorry. Well, look, at that point, you think like an orangutan has got him. This is look, that's a start. At that point, you think like an orangutan's got him. This is like any which way but here. Jess said, quote, the deputies were like, I didn't even have to help.

Even the deputies were impressed. Of course. According to Bay County Sheriff's reports, Jonah Abraham, who's from Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Eau Claire. Eau Claire. Eau Claire, Wisconsin, scaled the Zoo World fence at about 7 a.m. and broke into an apartment on the property. How many people are living in this zoo?

This is like... I got to go after those zoo employees. That's where the real money is. Where an employee usually stays. He stole two bottles of alcohol. In speaking with deputies, Jonah Abraham reportedly said he had been looking for a vape. His friend had dropped during their visit. I'm just here looking for a vape his friend had dropped during their visit.

I'm just here looking for a vape, man. I'm just a vape bro trying to get my vape back. Said I'd swing by around 7 a.m. It's my fault you guys aren't open. Sun's up, motherfuckers. Yeah. Half the animals are awake. Half the animals are awake. Deputies noted a very strong odor of

alcohol coming from Abraham. This to me is he's visiting Florida. They drink all night. His friend would not shut up about the vape pen still drunk having not gone to bed he's like you want me to go get the vape right now i'll get it what's the worst that happened to me i'm a badass and then he got taken down taken down katie hogan said the incident is the first of its kind at zoo world all the dangerous animals were put into their quote bedrooms which makes me sad, at night, she said, and are kept behind at least three layers of security

so no one can get to them or let them out. The property is also fully encased in a 10-foot security fence, but there's only... This should be a t-shirt, because this is what Katie Hogan says. Quote, there's only so much you can do to fight stupidity. Yeah, that's it. That's only so much you can do.

That is our show, Todd Glass. I know. Do you hear me? I'm going to ask you guys, how old is Jonah Abraham? Oh, man. But now, you are a guest. First, Tig, or third? Where do you want to go?

I'm going to go first. Okay. You have very clear ideas about this. I've been thinking a lot about this. Let's add it all in. Scale and offense. Looking for a babe. I think he's older than he should be,

but I'm going to say he's a... Let's make him Jesus age 33. 33, the age when Jesus died. Jason and Randy? I think he's 29. 29 from Jason's life. I think his Saturn is returning. Yeah, I think he's 25.

25? Yeah. This is like a guy who... This guy's in his 30s, I think. I think he's 25. I think he's old enough to rent a car but shouldn't. Right, but doesn't have a license. Yeah, yeah.

And do we get to guess how old she is? They never say. And no pictures of her. I can pull one up, yeah. We're not on Wi-Fi here. Did we ever tell people we're not even in studio? Yeah, by the way, we're at Sarah's house. So if this sounds slightly different, it's good for you.

I'm a shut-in. If I'm on a podcast it's it was done at my apartment really I like that style you don't have to go anywhere they bring the show to you okay this is all right here we go it's only a little bit sad we wanted to make it happy okay here's here's her, so we'll have that ready. Okay. What are the results? I said 29. Randy said 25. Sarah said 23.

I said 33. Jonah Abraham, visiting from Eau Claire, Wisconsin. Down to Florida. Is, get your answers in, Townies. She's so confident. 19 years old. Oh! That makes more sense.

My God. Feel free to look more sense. Oh, my God. Feel free to look them up while I show you guys. This is Jess, badass in waiting. Oh, my God. I love her so much. Oh, my God. She's awesome. There's like a quiet. Yes.

She's like, I got this. There's a stillness to her. Yeah, she's fine. She's got it. It's a grown woman. Okay, if you ever met an animal in the wild and they get really still, you're like, oh, I'm about to be eaten or killed. She has adopted the stillness

of the animal she lives in. I love her. She deserves her own exhibit. 5'9 Jonah Abraham? Yeah. I mean, literally every day, somebody's saying, get your fucking haircut. Right, right.

He kind of looks like Shia LaBeouf. He's a man. Someone took his head and just. He looks like a person who says, have you seen my friend's vape? Yeah. He is. He's always looking for someone's vape. I love it, man.

This is. There it is. Do you want them to start dating or no? No. No. No. She can do better. Jess said.

She can do way better. What happened didn't really hit her until after everything settled down, and Katie Hogan said the zoo is trying to come to terms with the incident, which she said was a little amusing but also terrifying. Well, the incident being how did this guy get in? How did someone climbing a fence and getting into our room? Jonah Abraham has been charged with burglary of an unoccupied dwelling and held on a $10,000.

There's no way he's looking for a vape. He's like trying to steal a penguin. Am I right? He's like, I'm going to walk out of here with at least one. I want a pet penguin. I want a penguin. I'm walking out of here. We're going to put him in the bathtub.

But I kind of get that. Wouldn't it be sweet if you had a penguin here? No. I think it would be fun to have a penguin. No, they'd be fucking miserable. They like it cold. They do. They do like it cold.

All right. That's story two, guys. There you go. Story two, down in the books. It's bad enough that there's a... Oh, we didn't decide there are penguins at this Florida Zoo. You're like, it's bad enough that we're assuming that there are penguins in this Florida Zoo. Let alone...

Like, it's hot there. It is hot. Do you... It's a Florida Zoo, so it might just be like some stray cats and a cow. It's alligators. Yeah, it's definitely alligators. Give me a little taste of what we have in the next segment. A woman thinks she got bad Chinese food and could not have been more wrong.

Okay. All right. That's it. We got one more segment. It was good Chinese. It's good. It cuts to one of my favorite Gary Shanley jokes. We'll talk about this on the next side.

You have to wait through the break in order to hear it this is dumb people town sarah silverman's with us we'll be right back hey guys welcome back to the show do the gary shanley jokes it's my favorite because zach also had a brilliant uh what was his i don't know what his was a joke but gary shanley's joke was uh i had chinese food and finished it up, and they brought me my fortune cookie. I opened it up, and it said, I peed in your rice. Already hilarious. Already hilarious. And then he's like, should these be handwritten?

I want to talk about how great you were in the Shandling documentary. I mean, you were so real. I was so closed off. You feel like? I'm not watching it, but just remembering that day, I was. Really? I thought you were so present. And still have not fully dealt.

Oh, yeah. No, I just was like. Were you on the basketball court? Yeah. Yes, there at the basketball court. I just, I mean, he was so important for us. We didn't really know him as well as certainly you or he gave me that mirror. Did he really?

And the table that's outside. Like there was a point when all the furniture in my apartment were like, it was like his old furniture. He loved mentoring people and he loved connecting with younger comics and he loved, like, I feel like it was weird. It was weird. And the thing to see how much he didn't really love the comedy store

as like a place compared to how he loved the camaraderie of comedians so much. Right. Like he loved just the basketball game. Because when he was doing standup, like starting out, I don't think he like hung out.

He didn't like the hangout and he also didn't like the competitive nature. But to see him and Jerry Seinfeld just sitting and talking, I could have watched that for 10 hours. Just like their love and then their riffing. Well, also, because there's all of that from the documentary, which was rough footage from comedians in Cars Can Copy,

but that's an amazing one. Right, but even just thinking about him saying, remember when we would walk in Central Park and just talk about comedy? And I'm like, yeah, that's what we do all the time. No, they would walk because Seinfeld was like stage 10 and Sanders was stage 9. They were next door to each other because I remember visiting. Yeah, they were right next door to each other. I had Wayne Fetterman

on my other podcast, Hindsight, yesterday and he talked when him and Judd and they talked to Jerry about getting the footage. Jerry's like, we probably don't have much there for you. And then they went and watched it. And they're like,

everything's right here. Are you crazy, man? Between the comedians and cars getting coffee and then doing that show that night. Comedy and magic show. Because I was watching

it being like, who is Phil? I hadn't put together yet that it was comedians. I've watched Comedian again since, which I highly recommend.

If you watched it before you started doing comedy like I did, go back and watch it as a comic now and be like holy shit if you watched what comedian if you watched comedian the documentary yeah yeah yeah yeah I watched it before I started doing comedy and now and then watching again I was like cuz or Neon and scared the shit out of me. Isn't that so funny? Orny played in the basketball game

for a long time and people have problems with him. You know, he's a troublemaker, but to me, I always found it very amusing. He's still working and he still does it.

I find him very amusing. Always been great to us. Yeah. Always. Yeah, he pokes. He talks trash on the basketball court, but I loved it. I thought it was us. Yeah. Always. Yeah, he just, he pokes, you know, like he talks trash on the basketball court, but I loved it. I thought it was hilarious.

But he really got people's goats. Did he really? Even in the basketball game? Anyway, it just was really, I mean, again, it reminded me how much, what a huge influence Shanling was on us. I mean, Shanling and Letterman, Shanling

and Letterman, those two, like through the, because of what they did to take their forms and be like, this is how you twist it and make it different. I feel like they were doing alt comedy with their formats in the biggest way possible. But how about that dark moment in the documentary when he's at Larry Sanders and he's just at the end of of his rope and miserable and he goes he says something like this is awful I hate this I hate life and he goes Letterman's right his attitude's right I know I know man but yeah look

he was in the midst of it and also trying to make a show that he ultimately achieved his goal Larry Sanders was the most real thing ever. Like truthful stuff from his life. You're like, what is your life? And what is a script for this show? What are you playing out in this show that's actually from your life?

It must have been super painful just to do that show. The show was him. Yeah. In so many ways. Yeah. I mean, I think it took everything out of him. But to hear Leno say, yeah, whatever, my show, like, who wants to see?

You'll want to look at my show, you know, like, just to see what this Drew Barrymore looked like when she was this age. But Larry Sanders, like, stands the test of time. Yeah. He wound up choosing to do a show. Like, that was the show that he could do. Well, the thing is, all these people stole

the concept of Larry Sanders after that. There are all these, like, behind. But they stole show that he could do. The thing is, all these people stole the concept of Larry Sanders after that. There were all these behind. But they stole the wrong thing. They stole the, oh, this must be successful because it's behind the scenes of a thing. But no, it was just about truth. That's what made it amazing. Everybody being afraid

of something. And humanity. Or as Reggie, who's an old friend of ours, would say, it's the triangle. It's Hank and Artie and Larry. And you think about the triangle which Regie then did. And brought to 30 Rock, which was

Tina and, you know, it's a triangle of characters. It's a triangle between Tina and Tracy and Alec Baldwin. I mean, that was the triangle. It was almost like, if you want to talk about it in a basketball sense, Phil Jackson took the triangle from Chicago and then brought it over to the Lakers. Same principle. Whoa.

Kind of cool. See? Pretty cool. You want to do a third story? Yeah, let's do a third story. Wait. Was Phil Jackson the coach of the Bulls during? Michael Jordan?

Yes. Yeah, during like like Jordan Pippen Dennis Rodman all six and that was like the Bulls were America's team in many ways

you had six championships in eight years I mean it watching them was like watching it made me understand why maybe people like ballet

because I never understood that but it was like it was just like dance oh my god they were they were so

good. Unbelievable. There was never anyone, I mean, you could argue that Dr. J was, that Jordan was Dr. J-esque, but he just took over. I was trying to explain to my daughter why LeBron is so good and why

Jordan was so great. I'm like, and if they played each other, I was trying to explain it because we were watching, we were watching like the Cavs play. And I'm like, LeBron is so good. I'm like, this is how good LeBron is. He's 6'8", 260 pounds. If LeBron put football pads on and played tight end,

he would be the best tight end in the NFL. And he's never played football. I don't think he's ever played football. I don't think he's ever played football. He's just this specimen. Jordan was smaller. Jordan was 6'6". But like smaller. Jordan was the perfect size to do everything. Everything.

He could play defense on your best guard. He could turn around and jump. He can back anyone in and his fadeaway jumper could not be blocked. He could go above the rim with incredible hops. He was just perfect. I would say the difference between Michael Jordan and

Dennis Rodman, just like if you look at Gary, it's like they're both gifted. But then Michael Jordan didn't stop there. He would stay late and practice his fucking free throw shot as a professional basketball player.

And he was constantly trying to be better or just to be better and get the mechanics and turn it into muscle memory so that he can transcend. To go back to the documentary, that was a crazy moment for me in the first part of the documentary

where Jay Leno talks about, he goes, I wanted to do the Tonight Show because it had to end every day at 4. You put your pencils down, we go to a show. And if I did a once a week show, I would drive myself insane 24 hours a day. And that's what Gary did because he was like, I can make this better. There's got to be a tight way to tell this joke. We can beat it. We can do the story whenever we're on the show.

People are like, we can beat this joke. He's like, that's harder way to tell this joke. Could you feel that when you were on the show? People were like, we can beat this joke. We can beat this. He's like, that's harder. Once a week is harder than every day. Yeah, because you can obsess about it. Yeah, I did sense it just from being friends with Gary that it was like the things he loved and were most important to him

were also like his albatrosses. You know, like that talking about his house, which is like the loveliest, most wonderful house in the world. And they were like this like beautiful house in, you know, like on a, on a cliff overlooking the ocean. It was Gary's albatross. In a lot of ways, this incredible show was as well, but as an actor on it, it was joyful for me. Of course. Because here he is, he's like, the writing was so important and had to be so real and organic.

And then dynamics had to be natural. And he put so much on the writing. But then he'd give you this incredible script and say, whatever your line is, I don't care if you say pineapple, just as long as you're getting the idea of the line across. So to write these masterpieces with the greatest writers and then throw it all away to make sure that everything is natural and organic is like brave. Unbelievable.

Insane. You want to do a third story? Let's do a third story. sure that everything is natural and organic is like brave and... Unbelievable. Insane. You want to do a third story? Let's do a third story. Because I could talk about this forever. Yes. Sent in by Andrea Schuster at Chops Mom. Thank you, Andrea. Is Chops a person? Crystal Gale. Okay.

The long, beautiful hair. Crystal Gale Amerson. I was going to say, the long, beautiful hair. Her long, beautiful hair. Crystal Gale Amerson. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. I was going to say, you know, Crystal Gale had that long hair, but she must have been so beholden to the long hair thing. She must have felt like, if I cut my hair short, I'm a nobody.

I'm out of here. But she can't think like that. Same with Peggy Fleming. Crystal Gale. Crystal Gale. Amerson. Not Peggy Fleming. No, no, but.

Dorothy Hamill. Dorothy Hamill. No, no, but- Dorothy Hamill. Dorothy Hamill. No, but my son will only wear- Peggy Fleming had a weird thing where she thought her hair was too dry. My son only wears shorts to school, even when it's like 42 degrees when it's time to go to school.

And your son is Kevin Smith. He's the shorts guy. I asked him. Kevin Smith. I asked him. I said, why do you wear shorts? He's like, because my friends know me as the shorts guy.

I'm like, if your friends know you only as the shorts guy, then they're not your friends. And you're not doing enough to let them know who you really are. Come on. He's like, because my friends know me as the shorts guy. I'm like, if your friends know you only as the shorts guy, then they're not your friends. And you're not doing enough to let them know who you really are. Come on. He's like, I'm the guy who wears shorts. I'm like, no, there's more to it than that. Don't be that guy.

Let me tell you a story of another man who wore the same thing all the time. His name was Ernest, and he went to camp. And then he went to fireman school. Jim Barney? Yeah, so talk about Jim Varney. And then he was a voice in Toy Story, Dan. He did all right. I actually found him funny.

And then he died. Oh, I love the Ernest movies. Ernest Halloween was great. People don't really, because what I loved about him is that he was really honest. He was very earnest. All right.

And he loved his friend Vern. Yeah. Oh, you know what I mean? Hey, Vern. Hey, Vern. We don't have many people like that in our pop culture. I'd love to see a Vern movie. Wouldn't that be terrific?

Just shoot it from the other way. Oh, yeah. Oh, that would be phenomenal. That would be amazing. And it would star like Vern and like the guy on the other side of the fence from the Tim Allen show. Wilson. Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I'm in. Is there any other secret people? Vera, Norm's wife. Carlton. Yeah, Carlton the doorman The guy's mom From WKRP She owned the station and never showed up all the time

Gordon Jump He was so afraid of her Oh wow And Maris Yes From Frasier I want to have a mystery person in my life. Okay.

Crystal Gail Amerson said she woke up around 4 a.m. Sunday with stomach pains that had her running back and forth between the bathroom and the bedroom for more than an hour. I had Chinese food that night before, and I kind of figured maybe I had food poisoning or something like that. But it turned out there was nothing wrong with the General Tau's chicken that Emerson ate the previous night. Is it General Tau or General Tau? Tau. Unbeknownst to her. Is this the part where we get to tell the joke

that we wrote the tag for? Really doesn't hold up. I mean, that whole special is so racist. It's so liberal, bubble, well-meaning, ignorant racist. It doesn't hold up. But it was something about pee-pee and my Coke. Oh, and the tag you gave me was brilliant.

You said, I had a Chinese friend who said, me Chinese, me play joke, me pee-pee and your Coke. And your response was, well, if you have to explain. Our joke was, well, your tag was. I don't know what the joke part of my joke was, but anyway. if you have to explain it, it's not funny.

It's not funny. Yeah, which is, which is excellent. Breaking down such a, a base. Dumb joke. There was nothing wrong with the general size chicken that,

uh, Crystal Gale ate the previous night. Unbeknownst to her, she was actually 37 weeks pregnant and on the verge of giving birth to her second son. What? So she's been pregnant before. She does not know she's pregnant for 37 weeks. There's a whole show about it.

Thinks that she had bad Chinese food and is like, I am going to the bathroom every... Hold on. Four goes into 37. She's fully giving birth. Yes. She's brought this baby to term. But why is a birth

giving her diarrhea? I don't know. Does she feel like she has to go to the bathroom, but isn't? Maybe she broke her water. I mean, what happens is when the baby's pushing down, it does feel like you're... Maybe like you feel like, ah ah man, I'm peeing out of my ass. And really, it's just the water. And the water is coming. And that's what happens.

The water comes out of your asshole? The water doesn't come out of your asshole. The water does not come out of your asshole. But the baby, the position of the baby pushing down feels like you have to take shit. That's what it feels like. There is a bearing down. So it's a combo of like releasing stuff,

water, which is not diarrhea. She's like, it literally feels like the Chinese food is kicking me. It feels like I have a tiny general so in my stomach. Everything I've been eating for the past, I'd say like two to

three trimesters of a year. I section off my year in trimesters. I just feel like I'm getting kicked around down there. Now, was she just not showing? Is she perhaps overweight a bit? Crystal Gale Emerson called off work at 5 a.m. Imagine that.

Guys, I'm not coming in. It turns out. An hour later, as the pain worsened, she woke up her fiance because they needed to call an ambulance. The stomach pains were just excruciating, and I could hardly move. You do not have food poisoning. No. Food poisoning, it's coming out, for the record, for people. It doesn't stay in.

Maybe the food poisoning, yeah. I think it was about 6.30 a.m. when the ambulance got there. It doesn't stay in. Maybe the food poisoning, yeah. I think it was about 6.30 a.m. when the ambulance got there. It escalated so quickly, which again could be a great T-shirt for dumb people. It escalated so quickly. That I was having contractions, and we figured out kind of what was going on, because at first we didn't really know what was going on. I will say this. Horrible writing.

When my wife, when we eat Chinese food, if it affects her in a negative way, I will ask her how dilated she is. Oh, that's good. Do you look? Let me see how many centimeters we can get. They say, how is it possible that Amerson, Crystal Gale Amerson, did not realize she was pregnant? Crystal had already

been through one pregnancy, but said she was never the type to feel a lot of the symptoms typically aligned with pregnancy, such as morning sickness. She also said she was never the type to feel a lot of the symptoms typically aligned with pregnancy such as morning sickness. She also said she didn't notice much weight gain. I gained a little bit of weight but I think my first baby I didn't really notice either. That's your second time pregnant you didn't

know you were pregnant? Yeah. I never gained the pregnancy shape really and I wear scrubs to work because I work at a retirement home for Alzheimer's and dementia patients. And I typically don't get my period for like nine or ten months at a time. Some women don't, man. And if she's using a contraception that doesn't

get her period regularly, she thinks it's working. I'm on the pill where I get my period like three or four times a year for like eight minutes. if I got pregnant, wouldn't the pill I take every night murder my baby? Probably. Isn't that the point?

Yeah, that is the point. A little bit? It's a lot of plan B's. I have no idea. Plan B is like a whole mess of birth control pills. That's right. She said since she works and wears scrubs she never really noticed so I guess the way they say don't wear sweatpants to work.

You cannot tell if you're gaining weight. She was dressing for the baby she didn't know she wanted. So I guess the way they fit me as well, it was hard to notice or tell anything. That's your first fashion plea. Don't dress for the baby you didn't know you wanted.

Also, God bless that she's had two pregnancies go so smoothly, so easy. She didn't know you needed. But also, God bless that she's had two pregnancies go so smoothly, so easy. She didn't even know it was happening. She didn't have morning sickness for months and months. She had a little bit of evening sickness. There might be a little lack of mind-body connection there.

I would agree. Maybe. Dr. Julius DeCesar, an obstetrician-gynecologist with the Sacred Heart Hospital, said it is possible for a woman to learn of her pregnancy just hours before going into labor, but in her 20 years of practice, she's only witnessed it three times. Is Julius DeCesar the dog whisperer? That's still a lot.

The baby whisperer. No, the dog whisperer. Do you know him, Julius? No. No, what's his name? Caesar Milan. Caesar Milan. Great name.

I mean, you were destined for greatness. Didn't he get a divorce? I don't. Come on. Where are you going? Get to your thing. Go all the way for it. Marriages don't all work.

We live longer now. Right. He couldn't keep his dad. Oh, come on. Oh, it's a fun word play. No, but didn't he also, but he he was like abusive and not in a good way. How do you turn that off is what I'm saying. Like how do you turn off the communication?

Listen, I had a boyfriend who I really wanted, I needed more physical touch from him. Like besides sex, like sex was good, but in between. Hugging, holding hands. It's like, you know, reach was good, but in between. It's a love language. Connection. Give me a little touch on the tush. Anything. It means that's my love language is physical. He had a hard

time with it, and yet he would get on the floor with my dog and kiss her belly and tickle her belly and rub her belly. That must have pissed you off so much. Not pissed you off, but it might have hurt. No, but I just said, that's what I want.

Yeah. But we are able to give sometimes more to an animal, more to someone that we don't project our own things we don't like about ourselves, perhaps, onto. And we don't have a fear of the feedback. There's no fear of rejection from loving a dog.

Your relationship with your dog is way simpler. There's a very recent This American Life that opens with that. These women live in girlfriends, and the woman could not show any affection to her girlfriend, but she would be so loving to their cat. And the woman said some mornings, it started to really be a problem. She'd wake

up and she'd hear, you're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love you so much. And she would, in her waking up, would be like, Oh, she's saying it to me. That's so nice. And she would realize she's saying it to the cat. And then she started to resent the cat. Of course you do. You're taking the love. Yeah, that is a very real

thing. But I think also it's, there's no I think on a human-to-human basis, people get afraid of rejection. And whatever that fear is, is touch or whatever. What is it? In a relationship with two women. Just ask Sklar Brothers. Don't even finish.

Don't even look at him. Don't even give it to him. It's not going to be funny. You cannot resent the pussy. And he's out. Oh, because of the cat. Yeah. But a dog joke with... Because bitch is a dog. funny you cannot resent the pussy and he's out either I mean she didn't laugh at either are an amazing comedian We had a good run, and now we need to get out of comedy.

It was a really good wordplay that you can't... That in the moment is too good. You were properly ashamed of it. I walked out. But you had to say it. You had to. It's there.

It's too there. At 6.59 a.m. Sunday... Like a baby that I didn't know I had. I had to get it out. That's right. At 6.59 a.m. Sunday, Oliver James OJ was born in the

back of an ambulance a short way from the home of Crystal Gale and her fiance, Brian. Born in the back of a Bronco driving slowly down the street. Low-speed chase to the hospital. Crystal said the EMT who helped deliver OJ had never delivered a baby solo

before, so there were a lot of firsts that morning. Do you want the guy telling you that beforehand? No. No. I've never done this by myself before. Let's go. Ma'am, I am scared out of my mind. So she's really far along.

Yeah, this baby is coming out at her house. By the way, thank God an ambulance is there. Thank God a person is there. That's wonderful. As for the Chinese food, Great China on West Nine Mile Road. On West Nile Virus Road. On West Nine Mile Road won't be receiving a negative Yelp review.

It was a false alarm, Great China. You're good. I don't know if that's a quote or what the reporter is just writing to this restaurant, assuming they're going to read it. What if that was her Yelp review of the thing? One star. I had a baby. An unplanned baby. I had a baby I didn't know about.

Well, if you like, where they list the negative, if you're someone who likes having a baby, eat at Great Wall China. Or someone saying to her, don't have a baby. It was good, like, don't have a baby about it. About how bad this Chinese food was. And she couldn't help it.

Regardless. I had a baby. About it. I had a baby about it. Crystal Gale said she thinks she'll lay off Chinese food for a while. Why? That makes no sense. That to me doesn't make any sense.

It's weird because, yeah, usually. Well, because, no, when you get sick after eating something, you can't eat it for a while. Even if that wasn't how you got you sick, you just make that association. Because there's a sensory memory. But to me, there is, when I am eating without a care in the world, there are few things better than ordering every type of Chinese food that I want. Takeout, boxes open, there's like egg rolls, fried rice. That is the best gorge myself food. It's so weird because I, again, I'm not a bad Jew.

I hate Chinese food. Really? Tofu, you'll eat tofu. I don't like Chinese food, but like once a year, I crave it. And I think we're getting around that time. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know why it is. I never crave it. Really? And I think we're getting around that time. Oh, really? Yeah, I don't know why it is. I never want it.

Anytime I've been forced to have it, it's just like syrupy and heavy and like it's not satisfying. It doesn't feel like nourishment. No, it's not. But the scrambled eggy vegetable fried rice is yummy. And I love fortune cookies all day. You've limited the amount of times you crave Chinese food and the amount

of times you have a period to let you, times you can count on one hand a year. A year. That's right. Both. Both. And that was her goal. I know that was a goal of yours for a long time,

so congratulations. Good job. And they both have egg drops. I mean, walkouts. Sarah, I don't know if you should talk on mic again. Sarah. I dropped my mic, but it was on like the big wound thing of wires, so it didn't make any noise.

Soft drop. It's a great drop. Regardless, Crystal Gale says she'll stay off Chinese food for a while. Quote, that's what I was telling my mother-in-law. They're not married yet. I think I'm traumatized from Chinese food, Crystal said. I don't know if I'll ever be able to look at it the same way again. Why would...

Okay. Yep would... Okay. Traumatized by Chinese food because obviously it makes you have a baby in minutes. Makes you eight months pregnant. Right. Fully nine. She was nine months. 37 weeks.

36 is carrying it to term. That's three stories, guys. That's a show. What can we tell people to watch and look at yours? Definitely check out the Hulu show. I love you, America, on Hulu. So good. And then we'll have more starting September.

September. If we're all still here and the end of days didn't happen. Am I crazy about a Wreck-It Ralph 2? Oh, my God. There's a Wreck-It Ralph 2. It's coming in Thanksgiving. It's so... It's better than... By the way, that's my kid's favorite.

My kids love you so much in it. It's ridiculous. The only thing I really want to know, have you been into the private club at Disneyland? Is there a Wreck-It Ralph private club at Disneyland? No, they're just Pixar. Oh, the Club 33? Yeah.

We've been there. Really? I've never been there. It looks like it's like a cruise ship up there. Well, I can't wait to watch it. I loved the first one. I don't know if I can say anything,

but I will. I'm going to say something that maybe I'll get in trouble for, but Vanellope, my character, has a straight-up Disney song. No way! Alan Menken written straight-up song. No way! Alan Menken written straight up song.

Are you kidding me? You are going to be in We Are The World 2. But I'm just saying as her. Yeah, that's so great. That's great. Oh, that's awesome, Sarah. I can't even believe it. Sarah! Can you believe it? I'm a Disney princess. No, a Pixar princess is even bigger than a Disney

princess. It's Disney, isn't it? No, it is. You're both. Disney also does other things. Pixar is like the top level. You're talking to people who watch tons of kids' movies. Right. There is kids' movies, and then there are the Pixar movies.

I'm so excited for them. Pixar's are like family movies. It's really good. I mean, from what I can tell, it's... So fun to do. I love that. That's movies. It's really good. I mean, from what I can tell, it's... So fun to do. I love it. That's great. That's great news.

All right. Look for that in the future. God, I love it. Love hanging out with you. Thanks for having us. Love hanging out with you. Thank you for doing this with us. Let's do it more.

I'm so hungry. You guys, I have so much food in my refrigerator. You got any Chinese food? Let's eat something. I don't. I have that one year craving. Do you have good drinks? Yeah.

Oh, my God. This is what I do every single time I forget to offer even fucking water to my guests I was fine And then you go to leave and I go, oh shit I thought maybe I'll cough a couple more times I'll have a drink Look at all the water I have

Alright, that's show Should we do it? Tell them, we gotta get back to work Oh shit, we gotta get back to work