Dumb People Town - Scott Aukerman - HPVMAX
Episode Date: November 9, 2021This week Scott Aukerman comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a psychic lawsuit. The second story is a man's war on a squirrel over his truck. Final story is an...other lawsuit involving HPV.
Transcript
Discussion (0)
Skypains, out of here. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town.
Population you.
Population Aukerman.
Scott Mosterman.
Scott Dumb People
Tron.
Dumb People Tron.
Boy, that's a great sequel.
Dumb People Tron.
What do I do with this laser disc?
People on those hyper bikes just running
into each other.
Why are these lights so light?
And it's dark all around.
It's just people doing field sobriety tests by their motor.
It's a hyperbike. Do you know why I pulled you over?
Do you know why I pulled you over to this Forrest and Reds track?
No, why'd you pull me over?
You were waving, man.
You were waving, man.
You were waving.
It's part of the race.
You ran into that guy's hyper trail.
The grid.
The grid.
Scott Aukerman, it is so nice to have you back.
It's been a long time.
Hi, guys.
So great to see you.
I know.
I haven't seen you.
Well, I mean, I saw Dan over here the other night, and he didn't remember.
That was wild.
What?
I said it was nice to see you the other night.
He said, I never saw you.
I don't.
He said it so authoritatively, I was like shook.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I was like, oh, my God.
And then I felt that social anxiety thing of mistaking someone for someone else.
Scott, that's the worst.
That's never happened to us.
For some reason, I was only thinking in context of at a show.
And I'm like, there's no way.
No, there's no shows ever.
I'm like, why would we do this?
Yeah, I would have remembered.
But then I was like, oh, you're right.
I had a brain lapse.
Here's the good news, Scott, is that the world has gotten even dumber since the last time
we had you on this show.
Yes, it's still getting dumber.
So your show's getting better?
We just have more to talk about.
It's longer.
It's longer.
There's just more stuff to talk about.
It's just endless.
I think it's the same.
But maybe it's gotten better.
Daniel, how are you?
So you're not accounting for it's gotten worse?
No.
There's no way it's gotten worse.
But it's either stayed the same or gotten slightly better. I saw that look in your eye like, I can't say it's gotten worse. Maybe it got a gotten worse. No. There's no way it's gotten worse, but it's either stayed the same or gotten slightly
better.
I saw that look in your eye like, I can't say it's gotten worse.
It maybe got a little worse.
Okay, stop.
We're off our game.
No, but our awesome fans sent us great stories, Scott, and then we just dive into them.
We got Scott Aukerman here, Jay and Dan.
Let's jump into one.
Okay, ready?
Why would we waste Scott Aukerman?
Sent in by Carleen.
Perfectly good Aukerman.
Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen.
We know her.
Oh, okay.
She's great.
This is a wreck.
Great handle.
Well, because all of our fans send in the stories, and then I just go through the filter out.
I'm a filter.
I'm a file clerk.
I literally got into comedy to become a file clerk.
Couldn't they build an algorithm for this?
Do you remember how we got into comedy to be shitty mid-level marketers?
Yes, and engineers.
And amalgamators
we've done it i become an engineer in the past couple years yeah of course you have
you didn't want to be one nope nope but you're good you still love to walk into a room and it
was all set up boy remember those days yeah um okay at daniel van kirk hashtag don't people
town if you want to be like carlene mcdermott at least in that sense. Got it. Here's the headline. U.S. man sues psychic who, quote, promised to remove ex-girlfriend curse.
And he saw it coming.
He saw the lawsuit coming.
He did.
Oh, the psychic?
Yeah, psychic knew he was going to get sued.
Might be a female.
Okay.
Might be a female.
A California man.
The California man might be a female.
The New England movie really came out.
Might be a female.
Might be a female.
The psychic could be a female.
My memory serves correct.
A California man is suing a psychic who he says falsely claimed she could remove a curse
put on his marriage by a witch hired by his ex-girlfriend.
Oh, so the ex-girlfriend also had a middleman.
Yes.
Okay.
So there's like two people removed.
Yes.
Oh, you're going to come at me with a mystic?
I'll bring a, guess what I'm coming back at you with?
I got a witch.
I got a witch.
I'm going to get a wizard.
I got someone to undo it.
Right.
The worst form of mediation of like you each get a witch.
Arbitration.
Yes.
Yes.
So, okay.
The flow chart works like this.
What is the equivalent of a paralegal in the psychic world?
A paranormal.
Oh.
Wow.
Circle gets a square. And next.
So,
this guy dated, we'll flow chart it.
This guy dated a woman.
Awesome. They broke up.
Okay. She
hires a witch
to put a curse on his
current marriage, which I don't know the time
between. Was it three days? Was it three years?
I have no idea. This could be an Adele
song.
Harder wish
to crush your marriage.
That's not bad, Scott.
That's my first time
attempting an Adele, and it didn't sound anything like
her. The song was okay, but
how do you even do an Adele?
Hello?
That's about it.
Now I'm doing Lionel Richie. Adele? Hello? Yeah, that's about it. Is it me?
No, I'm doing Lionel Richie.
Yes.
Adele doing Lionel Richie. You can't let your Adele slip into Richie territory.
Yeah, never.
Okay.
So then he finds out my ex.
He must find out about it from her or just his life starts going bad and he assumes.
That's what I'm wondering too.
Does he think, babe, like he's trying to save his own marriage.
Like, it's not us.
Boy, everything's going terrible.
My ex must have hired a witch.
I never cheated on you.
That's why you can't trust me.
It's the witch.
That's why I keep getting drunk and breaking your stuff.
It's the witch.
It's the witch.
I told you, Andrew.
It's a glimpse into your marriage.
Witch, witch.
That witch.
The worst thing you could think of was getting drunk and breaking stuff. I said, I. Witch, witch. That witch. The worst thing you could think
of was getting drunk and breaking stuff.
I said, I'm sorry, honey. Now it becomes
a personal apology for me. Heads up. The guy
who hires the psychic, his name
sounds like he would be the mystic.
Moro
Restrepo.
This sounds like a Mitt Romney alias.
They all could have used a little
Moro Restrepo on this. Can I get a little Moro Restrepo on this mic? You like the Restrepo. This sounds like a Mitt Romney alias. They all could have used a little more Restrepo. Can I get a little more Restrepo on this mic?
You like the Restrepo?
I like the Restrepo.
Give me more Restrepo on my headphones.
I love it on the Restrepo.
Where you guys want to go tonight?
Have you tried out more Restrepo?
It's really good over there.
So all the waiters sing.
They all sing.
And they do charge you for the breadsticks.
So they make it look like it's free, but don't.
Limited breadsticks.
It's hard to say no to them, but you have to say no to them.
Moro Restrepo said that Sophia Adams, that's our psychic, promised.
Gotta reverse those.
I know.
Promised.
He at least should be a magician.
Yeah, at the very least.
Like, close up.
The great Restrepo?
And somebody goes, where'd you get that?
He goes, no, that's my last name.
I just put the great part on.
Right.
Excuse me.
I've got to bring my rolling case over here.
Moto Restrepo said that, I'm trying to give it flair, said that Sophia Adams promised
she could save his marriage if he paid money, of course, to exercise the spell according
to a fraud suit filed with the Torrance Superior Court.
Torrance.
This is BBC reporting on Torrance.
That's right.
BBC has done the Torrance.
Getting their hooks into Torrance.
Ms. Adams, if you're nasty,
allegedly told Mr. Restrepo
he and his family would be, quote,
unhappy and in danger
if the curse was not lifted.
Wow.
Have any of you guys been to a psychic?
Yeah.
Like a legit one.
A legit one.
Like a, when I say legit, I don't mean that she's actually psychic.
Who knows?
I just mean more of the California-like psychic.
Because psychic, you mean like, so at a house with a neon sign?
No, no, not that.
Yeah, like the legitimate like through friends going over to their actual like Malibu house.
Was it cards?
Was it tea leaves?
No, it was purely talking.
Wow.
And so they were reading like this.
Did they ask when you were born?
No.
Did they get anything right?
Were there some details where like're like, eee?
So my wife goes to her a lot.
Okay.
My wife did too.
And yes, they do get things right.
Yeah.
They do get things right.
Yes.
Because if they're in it for the right, like I feel like I have this calling.
In it for the right reasons.
Yes.
Like a bachelorette for instance.
Yes.
If they're there to make friends.
I just got to know if you're there.
If they're there to make friends. The rude psychic. I if you're there. If they're there to make friends.
The rude psychic.
I'm not here to make friends.
Get over here.
All right.
Yes, sir.
You're going to die in about three years.
I would imagine they do have a lot of-
I would trust that psychic.
Yeah.
I'm not here to make friends.
You would?
Yeah.
I'm not here to make friends.
So when we did the movie-
So you've done a psychic?
No.
No, no, no.
You did the movie Wild Hogs.
We were hanging with Stephen Tobolowsky.
Always with the Wild Hogs story.
I know.
It always comes back, especially with psychics. Stephen Tobolowsky. Always with the Wild Hogs stories.
Especially with psychics.
Stephen Tobolowsky. Oh, yeah.
He's legitimately psychic.
So he told us, he was like, look, this is a thing that I never asked for.
I don't like it.
I wish I couldn't see.
He's intuitive.
And he's not making money off it, but he admits that he is psychic and he has had moments.
The song Radiohead is about him.
Yes.
The Talking Heads song radiohead is about him yes the the talking head
song radiohead really which radiohead got their name from is about him because he receives like
information into his head you talking radiohead had talked with us we've talked to him on this
on the talking head show about this yeah no but it is that it is fascinating and it's and he is
that and he gave specific examples and he was very convincing.
I believed it actually
and I'm like,
I believe in psychic energy.
Because he was the,
he was also sincere.
He was reluctant.
I would see a reluctant psychic.
Reluctant psychic.
The reluctant that you have this power.
Oh, that it just weighs on you.
The psychic who does want to make friends,
by the way,
I don't like it.
Hey, what are you doing after your reading?
Want to go get a beer?
Have you guys ever done a reading of any sort?
Yes.
It's not you want to go get a beer, you want to go get a beer. I can tell you want go get a beer? Have you guys ever done a reading of any sort? Yes. It's not you want to go get a beer.
You want to go get a beer.
I can tell you want to get a beer with me.
So after this, we're going to get a beer.
Let me see your hand again.
Are we?
You're going to loan me 50 bucks.
Let me move into your house.
I'm going to try to pay.
You're going to stop me.
Wait, what was your reading, Jay?
I had a tarot card reading at someone's birthday party.
Okay.
Whose birthday? Can you say? Was it one of the wild hogs no i wish you're gonna love this you're
gonna love this pizza uh actually it was from domino's and it was from domino's and they tricked
me they freaking tricked you're gonna like the way you have that i guarantee it it was where
yeah it was at a men's warehouse they do readings there while you're waiting i'm sure at a birthday
party it feels kind of like get i don't want to say it feels like a party trick yeah no but it was like i
wonder did it get real quick where you're like oh you're yeah there were a couple things that
were right and then a few things that i'm like that's just a general stabbing and right dark
and someone who wants it to be right could may say that's right i've never done it i'd be open
to doing it i also recently i wonder if any of our fans who wouldn't be open rory scoville's been on this kick and we've said it on air so you don't care me saying
this but like but for real who wouldn't be open to it if you're not open to it then i think you're
afraid of it i mean i wasn't incredibly open to it i just don't necessarily believe in it really
so i just kind of like was sitting there like being nice and listening but but i think my wife
wanted me to go regularly and i was like as a couple and I was like oh I just don't believe in that
what would have to happen in order for you to believe
I'm sorry
like
you know she was right about certain things
about me you know but
I think it would have to be pinpoint accuracy
like the Toblowski stuff
that he was talking about is like incredible
it was insane
so you're saying with Rory. Oh, he's been into
this when were
you born exact time and then somebody
does a reading about you based off that. I have
no idea what that is. It's like a celestial
map. It's astrological, which is what we went to.
Gotcha. Right. Yeah.
So they know that you were born in
1972 at two,
we were born in 1972, 2.15. That was what
it was. She did my charts before I got in, just all based on when I was born.
But then does that mean that all the other people who were born at the exact same time
have the exact same life as you?
I don't know.
That's what I don't really believe about astrology.
It depends on where you were.
I think it depends on where you were born.
So how many babies were born at that exact same moment?
Like where were the stars in the sky?
In Savannah, Georgia.
That's right.
And where you were born and all the other comedy bay bank shows that came out from those kids.
Like those TV shows.
Comedy bay banks.
Someone has the exact same life, did the exact same podcast, exact same TV show.
They wrote on Mr. Show.
Okay.
So I don't know.
So I don't know. I would't know. I would do it.
If someone promises
to do something. To save your marriage
which is on the rocks, you will probably do
anything. But how does he know that it
didn't work? Right. Was
his life shitty after that? Like
everyone's life is shitty. Shitty on some level.
Not to get. Now we have
a glimpse into your marriage.
Time to go back to the psychic.
Moro Restrepo said that he contacted Ms. Adams after searching for psychics on Google.
Okay, we don't need every step of this process in the BBC story.
We'll wait to hear the next one.
Ms. Adams' website bills her as a, quote, psychic love specialist and PhD life coach,
which Moro claims made him feel more confident
when he was speaking with the professional that could help him.
So you can't get a PhD in life coaching.
You cannot.
And you also can't diversify.
If you're a psychic, that should be your thing.
Don't be like, oh, I also dabble in realty.
Do you need new sighting?
You can get a master's in life coaching.
You can't get a PhD.
What would even be, counseling would be the degree you'd get as a's in life coaching. You can't get a PhD. What would even be,
counseling would be the degree you'd get as a life coach at best.
Life coach.
So wait, what was her name?
Sophia.
Sophia Adams.
Okay, if she's a PhD, she should be Dr. Sophia Adams.
Yeah, that's right.
Yeah, they keep saying Ms. Adams.
Sorry.
You're a real PhD.
Right, give her that credit.
If anybody called you Sophia Adams and you are a real PhD, the first thing you say is
that's Dr.
Yeah.
Dr. Adams.
So he felt, oh, she's a life coach doctor.
I feel totally confident going to her.
Yeah.
This guy is a dumb shit.
Don't tell us most of the things you finally do.
That's the purpose of the show.
That's where we are.
This is where we are.
During the session, Sophia Adams read his tarot cards and told him that he had a mala suerte.
I don't know, but I tried.
Bad luck.
A mild suerte?
Yes.
What?
Yes.
Stupid.
Get a hand fan.
She just gives the weather.
Mala suerte is bad luck.
That's exactly what it says.
Or bad luck.
Way to go.
You guys are going to pass this test.
Placed on him by a witch hired by his ex-girlfriend.
Did you guys take Spanish together, by the way?
No. Like as twins? Or did you take
half a Spanish class of people? Actually, it's
gemelos, and that is twins.
We're the huates.
No, we took it separately. They wouldn't put us in the same
class. Really? I took French.
When you were in elementary school, did you have the same
teacher? No. Never. Always split
you up. Always. That's good, right?
Always.
Yeah.
It was good because it allowed us to be like, we couldn't rely on each other. Yeah.
You did develop your own identity.
So yes, Randy.
The psychic knew.
The psychic.
The doctor psychic tells him that he had a bad luck placed on him by a witch hired by
his ex-girlfriend.
So I'm thinking he was just dealing with turmoil in his life.
Oh, so he just went there.
He just went there being like,
help me figure out what the fuck is going on.
Why is my marriage bad?
She goes, oh, you got a witch.
Which if you're going to be a scam artist,
you need, it's got to be something deep like that.
That's a great.
You've got hooks in you.
Great specificity.
And what's the ex going to say?
Like, not deny it?
Well, even if she says, did I hire a witch?
No. It just sounds sarcastic. Yes, you did. And then she's says, did I hire a witch? No.
It just sounds sarcastic.
Yes, you did.
And then she's like,
oh, wait, wait, wait.
Let me look back into my calendar.
Oh, I did.
You know what I did?
Oh, you know what I did?
I put her under W-H-I-C-H.
Because I was deciding
which witch to go with
and it was my fault.
I did hire a witch.
So, Dr. Sophia Adams says,
you got a witch, boy. Witch hired, I get by your ex. You Dr. Sophia Adams says, you got a witch, boy.
Witch hired.
I get by your ex.
You got a witch, son.
And unless the curse is removed, it would ruin Moto Restrepo's.
It would ruin him, his children, and his marriage.
You got us.
The stakes have to be high.
A generation.
Put the kids into this. Despite making an initial deposit, Mr. Restrepo says that Ms. Adams, Dr. Adams to you, did not in any way help his marriage, and he had been suffering from sleepless nights, anxiety, and anguish.
The lawsuit also names as defendants Mrs. Adams' husband.
What did he do?
Her daughter.
What did she do?
And her landlords. What did he do? Her daughter. What did she do? And her landlords.
What did them do?
They're like, hey, we just have a studio apartment.
What happens out of this?
I'm naming everyone in this building.
Everybody.
So she clearly does her psychic readings in the front of her house.
Which she rents.
Which she rents from these others.
Which, you know, in this economy, especially in Torrance, I get it.
I understand.
You get it.
My kitchen became a podcast studio for over a year.
Sure.
That's right.
Okay.
I'm going to ask you guys this.
We'll get out of story one.
I can't believe this.
Who wins this game?
This is a case that we need to check back in.
Yeah.
Moto Restrepo is now seeking damages after giving Dr. Sophia Adams how much money.
So how much did he give?
Did he pay?
Okay, it was a deposit.
No, all total.
He kept paying.
If you want, I'll give you the deposit.
It'd be a hint.
No.
No.
We're going to guess how much money he paid this psychic.
Okay.
Scott, where would you-
Does it say how long he paid for?
It was a deposit in one session.
If I had to guess, this probably went on for three months.
Based off the total?
The deposit and then how much the total is.
$5.
What would the deposit be?
$0.25.
Shaving hair got two bits.
A quarter.
You really want to go five?
I'll go five.
Okay.
Jay, what do you think?
I'm going to say enough to sue somebody,
then you've got to be into the thousands of dollars.
So I'm going to say...
But it's small claims probably.
Yeah, but I'm still going to say $12,000.
$12,000.
Okay.
Yeah, man.
I mean, I wonder how much his insurance covers.
I would say...
You don't have psychic insurance?
Yeah, I don't have psychic insurance? I think I do, but she's
out of network.
$7,200.
Out of the Psychic Friends Network.
There you go.
All right. The total
is, you said $7,200.
Scott said $5. You said $12,000.
The amount of money that
he gave... Do we win if we don't go over?
Yeah, no, no.
It's a straight up close to the pin.
Straight up price to price rules?
No.
No, it's just closest.
Closest to the pin.
Do you want to say $6?
Do you want to go $6?
Yeah, I'd go $6.
Okay, all right.
$6.
The total amount of money is $5,100.
Oh!
I was in the right.
So the one was the deposit, maybe, and then he kept paying.
The deposit was $1,000.
Right.
What?
At some point he threw it at a $4,100.
How do you divvy that up?
It's indivisible by six, by seven.
I have no idea.
By everything.
Yeah.
Other than hundreds.
That's a lot of money.
Maybe he paid 41 installments of $100.
I think $400 a week for 10 weeks.
Oh, look at you.
Okay, but where's the other hundred?
The tip?
Yeah, he tipped.
He tipped.
He tipped the tip.
Just the tip.
That's it.
That's story number one.
That's what the leper said to the prostitute.
I mean, can you imagine being the judge of that court?
Like, hey, all of his ex-girlfriends should sue this woman, too.
They're like, we don't hire witches, and you've besmirched our names.
By the way, if you beswitched it, that's my favorite part.
Beswitched.
Beswitched.
Beswitched.
I always try and get out of jury duty for whatever reason.
I'm just like, I can't.
Right.
You don't want to do civil duty.
I can't spend two days.
There was a crime that's similar to this, and I'm completely biased.
Right.
But if this case came out, and it was my my jury duty and I'm supposed to sit in, I
would be like pushing in your chips all in.
I'd be pushing people aside and be like, I think he's biased.
You know, like she's a racist.
And just so I could get her.
But who do you rule for?
Who do you rock and rule for?
To me, I would be an open blank slate.
You would just listen to it.
I don't think the guy has a.
Well.
You're either going witch or psychic.
To me, that's like.
It sounds like a verbal promise and I don't know that you can. Also, I don't like the guy has a... You're either going witch or psychic. To me, that's like... It sounds like a verbal promise,
and I don't know that you can...
Also, I don't like people getting scammed.
But if you go on Google
and then find out somebody's a doctor or life coach,
and you basically walked in there
wanting to give this person your money,
they just took it.
Also, it's legal to scam someone this way.
You know what I mean?
Yes, yes.
A hundred percent.
You're paying for the service.
It's not like they didn't provide the service. It's not like they didn't
provide the service.
If psychics were illegal, they would be illegal.
That makes sense.
That's right. There you go.
First story down in the book. When we come back
down in the book. In the book.
It's in the book of life.
When we come back, we're going to find out what Aukerman is doing
and how you can
tap into all of his great stuff that's right sure this is dumb people town don't go away stick around make a sound
there's more dumb people town
hey guys welcome back to dpt that's dumb people town that is our podcast uh check out pen pals
that's dan's it is other podcast uh what's that? It's Rory Scovel and I.
People send us letters, and then we just read them back.
They can write us about anything they want.
You read them, and then you discuss them.
Yeah, of course.
We break down, but that's our response.
Letters about you?
No, about their lives.
Anything.
It's amazing.
They found out their grandpa was a horse thief.
It's amazing.
You know voicemail exists.
No.
This is old school. This is old school. Old school. This is the old school snail mail. No one leaves voicemail exists no this is old voicemail
this is the old
old snail mail
no one leaves voicemails anymore
it's all text
and this is the original text
the writing out of text
it's a great show
and check out
danielvankirk.com
for all of his awesome stuff
so many great digital shows there
and then the tour
starts back up in March
but I might have a couple
of one off dates
coming up soon
everything is at
danielvankirk.com great we got our stuff coming up we got a couple live shows-off dates coming up soon. Everything is at danielvancurk.com. Great.
We got our stuff coming up. We got a couple
live shows that we're doing, which we're really excited about.
Tempe, Arizona in
December, and then we're going to be New Year's Eve.
Yes, we decide. In Aurora,
Illinois. At the Comedy Shrine. Outside of
Chicago. We have not done a New Year's Eve in a long time.
And then Denver and a bunch of other things. What brought you
back? Money.
Money brought us back.
Money brought us back.
And the love of the game.
You should do the countdown when the new year approaches of how much money you got.
$10,000.
$9,000.
We're going to give it all to a psychic.
So that's that.
But if you want to check out Scott Aukerman, he does many hilarious, wonderful podcasts
and great things.
Please tell our people how they can consume you in every possible way. Well, I'm at
danielvancurk.edu. Hold on a second.
.edu. Yeah, that's all I get, which is what I
wanted first. I got stuck with that.
No, I just started up
comedybangbangworld.com
or cbbworld.com. We got
both of those, which is essentially
it's all of
the archives of Comedy Bang Bang
plus new episodes ad-free. All of the bang bang uh plus new episodes ad free all of the archives
of freedom plus new episodes ad free so uh and then we're also you know we have a lot of Andy
Daly's show like all the all the kind of offshoots I wanted a place where like all the offshoots of
comedy bang bang were because everything was getting a little sort of lost with how big you
know Stitcher got and everything which is great but I just wanted sort of to curate it a little more.
And so we're doing new shows.
We're doing like,
I'm doing a show called Scott Hasn't Seen
where Sprague the Whisperer and I
watch movies that I've never seen.
And we're doing CBB Presents,
which is characters on Comedy Bang Bang
have their own shows.
You know, all sorts of new stuff.
It's really cool. And Threedom's great too, man. Thre their own shows. You know, all sorts of new stuff. It's really cool.
And Threedom's great, too, man.
Threedom is fantastic.
Thank you, yeah.
Our season is starting tomorrow.
And I just saw you guys released some new merch, too.
For some reason, I just love the water bottle.
The water bottle with your little caricatures made me happy.
There's all these artists who just listen to the show and send us,
and we're always like, can we pay them to like you know make stuff out of it and
it's always just like so creative and
so great awesome I think you should sell
CBB oil yeah
that makes you like a
Halliburton CBD
no CBB
oil I have to confess I got
very confused with Halliburton
from One Tree Hill when I just
said that I was like am I saying like, am I saying this right?
Am I saying her right? I don't even know for either.
I can't believe that she was
married to Will Smith, but screwing around on it.
There you go.
You guys want to do a second story?
Let's do a second story.
Comedy Bang Bang World.
CBBWorld.com.
Just want to remind people. All right, go. Daniel.
Sent in by Gentleman's Club Liz Haggerty.
At Liz Haggerty. I love this gal. Great. Sent in by Gentleman's Club Liz Haggerty, at Liz Haggerty.
I love this gal.
She's great.
Sends it in.
Gentleman Liz Haggerty.
Headline, this is just a fun dump.
This is something that happens in Dump People Town.
Squirrel stores pounds of nuts in man's pickup truck.
I love this.
This dude is at war with this squirrel.
He's like, why is my truck slower?
In a battle between-
Why am I driving like a rock? There you go. Why am I allergic to my truck slower? In a battle between... Why am I driving like a rock?
There you go.
Why am I allergic to my truck?
Because you have a truck allergy.
You have a truck allergy.
A lot of kids have it these days, all right?
In a battle between man and squirrel, the squirrel is winning.
A red squirrel...
That's a little editorial at the top of this story.
They might go outside there on at fox23maine.com.
You could always back over the squirrel and then he's lost.
No, no.
Just stick to the facts, fox23maine.com.
How dare you?
A red squirrel keeps filling a North Dakota pickup truck with walnuts in order to prep
for winter.
Bill Fisher, an insurance agent from Fargo, so he's going to kill his wife.
Why does he have a truck?
You're an insurance agent.
What's an insurance agent need a truck for? Fargo guy. Yeah, he's in Fargo. Get the bodies to the wood his wife. Why does he have a truck? He was an insurance agent.
Fargo guy.
Get the bodies to the wood chipper.
You got to go in the trash.
He said he's been trying to stop the pesky squirrel from filling his car with nuts
for how long without success?
Wait, wait.
The squirrel hasn't had any success
or he hasn't had any success?
He says squirrel.
The squirrel's having a lot of success. I'm going to tell you right now. The squirrel's't had any success or he hasn't had any success? No, he hasn't had success. Oh, okay. The squirrel is having a lot of success.
And I'm going to tell you right now.
The squirrel has been very successful.
Okay.
You can guess in years.
Oh.
So how many years has he been-
Half a year.
Has he been dealing-
That's correct.
Five dollars.
Has he been dealing with a squirrel that seasonally will come around-
Well, how long do squirrels live?
That's a good question, too.
That's a great question.
Because turtles live over 100 years.
That's right.
And so do cockatoos.
People have to give their birth.
Yes.
Squirrels live...
Oh, that's true.
Yeah, because when people die, it's a constant.
Let's guess that, the average age of a squirrel.
Okay, let's guess the average age of a squirrel.
And then we'll do that.
I got it right here.
Dan's looking. Okay. scott what do you have god they're so tiny but that
sometimes a red squirrel squirrels who get run over and stuff this is just like if they're if
they can live to old age yeah you don't get run over by a truck god they're so tiny i gotta say
12 years okay the 12 year squirrel all right jay which
by the way it sounds like a great movie yeah it's a play it's a play it's a samuel beckett play i'm
gonna say 18 years 18 years 18 years i think squirrels are like cats because they're very
like they have their bones are of the same material shut... You can't possibly be leaning on logic.
I thought you were going to go with most cats.
Are you leaning on logic?
A healthy cat has a very good weight distribution ratio.
I'm saying that...
They tend to live longer because a lot of dogs...
They're low to the ground.
I'm going to say 26 years.
They're athletic, too.
26 years for a red squirrel.
For a red squirrel.
What did you say, Jay?
18, and he said 12.
The
average lifespan of
a red squirrel.
I'll say this. I'm going to read it to you.
They may live 10 years.
Although 3 to 5 years
is the average lifespan for adults.
Okay, so left alone they live 10.
I'm still closest to either way.
You are.
But still, 10, they live 10. Yep, 10. I'm still closest to either way. You are. Nice job, Scott.
But still, 10 if they're lucky.
Right.
So how many years has this squirrel been? How many years has Bill Fisher, for all your insurance needs in Fargo,
or if you need to move over the weekend, just for pizza and beer.
He's got a truck.
You go into Ikea and you need a Malm or whatever.
Okay.
How many years do you think he's been dealing with this squirrel
filling his truck
with walnuts?
Scott, what do you think?
I gotta say,
God,
I gotta say
the full 10.
Okay.
The full 10.
The full 10.
The full Monty.
The full 10.
I'm gonna say six.
Six years.
Okay.
I'm gonna say five years.
Five?
Okay.
Bill Fisher, Bill Fisher Insurance, Fargo, North Dakota,
has been trying to stop the pesky squirrel from filling his car with nuts for eight years.
Whoa!
Eight years.
You guys split it over here.
You split it.
Wow.
Last month, the squirrel set a new record.
Fisher found and removed more pounds of walnuts from his truck than ever before.
And where in his truck?
Is it just in the bed of the truck or in the gear shifts?
I'll show you a picture.
I'm going to show you a pic.
Oh, whoa, in the engine block.
Holy Jesus.
But also throughout the whole car.
This is the phone.
This is just the – we'll put this up on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook.
This is like a girls' high school soccer team prank.
This is incredible.
And then Hugh managed to be like, well, there goes whatever I was going to do today.
Right.
He must love the squirrel, right?
On some level.
Because otherwise, like, you park your car somewhere else or you get a new car or something like that.
A glue trap.
American red squirrels are small but mighty.
About 12 inches long with sharp curved claws, they can do major damage. The animal's
ingenuity forces Fisher to spend hours
removing the walnuts
from various nooks and crannies
in his truck and is what become
a yearly nuisance.
I have been dealing with yearly.
So he does it once a year.
Yes. Okay. So this explains the build up. So he does it once a year. Yes. Okay.
Because this explains the building for winter.
Right.
You're dry.
He doesn't do it all in one night.
This is like over the course of a year.
Bill.
No, I think it's like until his truck won't start.
But doesn't that seem like something that starts happening as we start heading towards cold weather?
Like, I don't think this is something that happens all year round.
But it's not something where Bill goes and checks
every single day
and takes out three nuts.
It's like until it's a problem
he doesn't even deal with.
Or he's in a truck sitting
and he barely uses it.
He's got his Taurus
for his day-to-day work stuff.
Maybe he has a Tesla
that he scoops around town.
Yeah.
He's a North Dakota Tesla guy.
That's right.
Because if you had to take
those things out of your car
every day,
that would be annoying.
But three a day, you could get through. You got to pop the to take those things out of your car every day, that would be annoying.
But three a day, you could get through.
You got to pop the hood every time.
But like one day, it's like cleaning your room.
You got to do it every day in order to- Or brushing your teeth.
That would be bananas.
I've been-
No, nuts.
Walnuts.
I've been dealing with the red squirrel since 2013.
This has now become a sort of ritual with it filling my trucks with nuts.
Yeah.
And me trying to remove them.
Nearly every part of the truck has been stuffed with walnuts.
The squirrel has even made its way into the hood and hidden nuts all around the engine.
It has also managed to get into the front bumper, wheel well, and parts of the doors.
So it's like in the door.
It's in the truck.
Inside the car.
Wow.
And he knows it's the same squirrel?
That's what I would-
That's a good question, too.
You know what I mean?
This sounds like he's-
Squirrels are creatures of habit.
Sounds like he's guessing that a witch put a curse on his thing.
Yes.
Fisher said-
This is when you hire a psychic.
He does not see the squirrel until the walnuts on the tree above his parked truck begin to
ripen, to which Scott said, move your truck.
Yeah.
Or, I got news for you. Cut down the walnut tree and put in a new tree.
Yes.
Like, just put in a new tree that doesn't get-
An olive tree.
Yes.
Sure.
A lemon tree.
No, not olives.
Not olives.
That's terrible.
That's an awful idea.
Wait, so-
A crab apple tree, for Christ's sake.
He's not going to do that, but move your car.
Yeah, just park it somewhere else.
Yeah, just move your car, idiot.
Park it down the road.
Five feet. Yes. So, this, to me, idiot. Park it down the road. Five feet.
Yeah.
So this to me is where this becomes a dumb people down story.
I'm not going to move my truck for no stupid reason.
I'm not going to let it squirrel.
But was it you, Randy, or somebody we had on years ago was living in a neighborhood
where they were at war with a falcon or a hawk.
Was this you?
No.
Was ringing any bells with you i thought it wasn't
your neighborhood no i think it was me no guy who doesn't remember if he was at war with a falcon
it might have been me dan dan i was it me i've been at war with dan i've been at war with so
many birds of prey did i remember did i a falcon? Did a falcon murder me?
Are we dead?
We just keep killing.
I can't.
Honestly, so many things have happened since the pandemic.
I can't remember if a falcon murdered me.
But the problem was in this neighborhood is they're protected animals.
So people would get pulled into their driveway and have to sprint into their house because it would buzz people.
Dive bomb.
Dive bomb.
Wow, really?
Dive bomb.
And so this whole neighborhood was at war with this bird where they
can't fight the bird, but the bird is fighting
them. We have coyotes coming in our yard every
once in a while and we've decided it's the same
ones because there were two
together who were like roaming together
and then we saw them at like
one in the afternoon just like
trotting down the street together and we're like,
oh, we're glad they found each other. But now anytime
a coyote comes in, we're like, oh, we're glad they found each other. But now anytime a coyote comes in, we're like,
oh, it's those coyotes again.
But it could be.
It could be anyone.
Yeah.
It could be anything.
It could be you guys.
It could be a red squirrel.
Was that me who was in Scott's backyard?
Was that?
Did we climb the fence?
I can't remember.
Actually, those were falcons.
American red squirrels often feed on the seeds and cones
of evergreen trees and sometimes bird eggs, berries, and fruit, according to the National Wildlife Federation.
Now this has just turned into an encyclopedia.
It's almost a greenery.
The squirrel has a thing for walnuts.
I'm going to ask you guys.
Yeah, we know.
We read the story.
Yeah, suddenly the squirrel's all into nuts.
I mean, what's going on over here?
It's like the world's turning inside out.
What do I know?
I'm mucinex.
What's going on over here?
It's like the world's turning inside out.
What do I know?
I'm Mucinex.
How many pounds of walnuts do you think he pulled from his car this year?
He said it was a record year.
It was his eighth year of dealing with it. It's been a great year, Scott.
So it's more than the previous year.
Yes.
It's been a great year.
Scott, if only I knew what those previous years were.
Walnuts roasting on an open fire.
How many pounds?
Yeah, how many pounds?
These are pounds of walnuts.
These are pounds of walnuts.
What these are.
These are pounds of walnuts.
This is wild.
This is a bizarre red squirrel incident.
I'm going to say 3,000.
3,000 pounds.
So one and a half tons.
We're going to go six. Okay, Jay. I'm going to say 10 pounds.000 pounds. So one and a half tons. We're going to go six.
Okay, Jay.
I'm going to say 10 pounds.
10 pounds.
I'm going to say 200 pounds.
200 pounds.
Okay.
And how much can he bench?
I'd like to know that.
I can bench 200 pounds.
This isn't even the end of the story.
He gets a little dumber and weirder.
This year, the amount of pounds he pulled out of his truck
is 348 pounds.
Oh, Jesus.
Dude, you could start a store. You could start a little side business. Squirrel's doing all
the collecting of walnuts for you.
Dan, have you ever eaten nuts on Clark? Nuts?
Yes, of course.
Did you buy them at the airport?
No, I bought them on Clark. I'm not a crazy person.
It is North Dakota, so I'm assuming no one made the joke.
He's like, I pulled these walnuts out of there, and no one said Deez Nuts.
I mean, I'm sure nobody up there did.
Which nuts?
Which nuts are these?
Bill, which nuts did you get today?
Deez.
I got Deez Nuts.
Those nuts?
You two have won 100% hit up nuts on Clark at Midway Airport. 100%!
You love it. I love it.
All I can think about is this poor squirrel.
He puts his nuts somewhere
and then the next day is like, where's my 300 pounds
of nuts? He took my nuts from me.
There's a story in a squirrel newspaper
about a squirrel
who's getting his nuts stolen.
Missing. A video shows, which we don't have,
the squirrel eyeing the truck from top of the walnut tree.
Is it even the same squirrel?
We don't know.
We don't even know.
There's the coyote.
How many pounds of nuts does a squirrel eat per year?
That's, I have no idea.
And do they store for themselves?
That's why I think what you're saying, it's multiple squirrels being like.
Multiple.
It's got to be.
The most I ever pulled was four buckets.
So with seven buckets this year, the squirrel was on a mission, Fisher Insurance said.
Wait, seven buckets, 350 pounds?
So each was 50 pounds?
350 pounds.
50 pound buckets.
That's what he says.
However.
This guy's a liar.
Fisher's good nature.
I don't like the way.
It's all paid up.
He puts him in there.
He just wants.
He's just trying to get Debra's attention.
Let me tell you something. He just wants her to come back. He don't even have a truck. You paid up. He puts them in there. He's just trying to get Debra's attention. Let me tell you something.
He just wants her to come back.
They don't even have a truck.
You see what they wrote about me in the paper?
I just thought I'd call you up, see if you saw.
I don't like the way this guy measures nuts.
Yeah.
You don't?
I don't like the way he measures buckets.
We don't know the size of his buckets.
We don't.
Plus, is he weighing the bucket beforehand?
No.
Definitely not.
When you go to the buffet, you got to weigh the plate.
I never wish I could call someone more and be like, you got to get in here.
You got to clarify.
We got so many questions, Bill.
First of all, why do you drive the truck?
Fisher's good nature has worn thin.
He has taken steps to end the squirrel's obsession with using his truck as a storage facility.
Oh, sure.
Eight years in, I hope so.
Commonly what a truck is.
In the past...
Cut down the tree.
Ready for this?
He sprayed the entire truck with Tabasco sauce and cayenne pepper.
That's amazing.
Trying to deter the squirrel.
Squirrel's not eating the truck.
Squirrel's just storing stuff in it.
Just storing stuff in it.
That was somewhat effective until this year, he said,
when the squirrel seemed to be attracted to the scent.
So now he knows it's where he stores the nuts.
Yes.
In the pepper truck.
Yes.
You only made him stronger.
All you're doing is seasoning the squirrel's nuts.
Which nuts?
These.
These specific nuts.
Quote, I have to have a sense of humor about this after so many years, he said.
This is his hobby. You call it. Yeah, he loves this squirrel. He loves it. He needs his Moriarty.
Otherwise, what are we doing? He needs it. Quote, then we'll get out of here on this. I put so much
hard work. I put, I'm sorry. I put in as much hard work as the squirrel when I have to take my truck
apart just to remove bucket after bucket of walnuts.
I love that this is happening to this guy.
I just love it.
I'm like, this is your myth.
Do you know who does it?
This is his own personal sisyphus.
You push the walnut up to the top of the hill and it comes out.
Every person he socially interacts with on a plane, waiting for coffee,
he is the guy talking about it.
Oh, great.
The nut guy is at the party.
Hey, nut guy is walking in.
Do you want to take his order?
No.
With some cashews?
Sorry.
Sorry.
That's story number two.
There you go, Dan.
Give us a little tease of what we're going to hear.
Oh, but one of the dumbest lawsuits I've ever heard of.
It's all caps dumb.
And Patreon fans, we're going to talk to Scott about some dumb things that he's done and
just some dumb things we've all done together.
Sure.
It's some people town.
Don't run away.
Stick around.
Make us down for more Dump People Town.
All right, Dan, take us home.
Okay, you ready?
Yes.
Here we go.
Woman is suing Geico.
Sent in by Jeffrey Smith at Mr. Maths Smith.
You know, you can bundle that suing.
Mr. Maths Smith.
Mr. Maths Smith. Okay,, you can bundle that suing. Mr. Maths Smith. Mr. Maths Smith.
Okay, here we go.
Yes.
A woman, this is short but wild, like me, a woman is seeking a hefty payout from Geico
after she was involved in an incident with another gentleman
whose vehicle was covered by the insurance provider.
Wow.
Very vague. Okay. Not hooked yet. You got to work on a better lead. gentleman whose vehicle was covered by the insurance provider wow very vague okay not
hooked yet you got to work on a better lead whoever wrote this yeah they buried it one
sentence deep she is suing geico because she hooked up with a dude in the back seat of his
2014 honda genesis and got hpv as a result that was like a firework. Do you have HPV insurance for your
car? So she's saying... I have an umbrella
policy. I hooked up with a dude in his car. I got
HPV. It happened in
this car. And it's covered by insurance.
And Geico's responsible for it. Anything that
occurs in this car. Anything at all.
And it was an EV. It was an electric vehicle.
It was a minor collision.
2014.
2014 EV.
This is not crazy as far as I'm concerned because-
Scott.
Scott, come on.
Because if someone comes over to your house and injures themselves-
Sure.
Or I remember when I owned a condo, we had skateboarders always doing ollies and all
these skateboard tricks on the stairs.
And we had to put up a sign that said danger for the stairs
because otherwise we were liable.
So it's not the craziest thing to go like, hey, this weird...
Yeah, but the insurance only covers a problem with the car.
This is personal injury.
It's personal injury. That's what I'm saying. Well, but her vagina was sponsored a problem with the car. This is personal injury. We should like- It's personal injury.
That's what I'm saying.
Well, but her vagina was sponsored by Progressive.
Sponsored.
Covered.
Covered.
Sponsored is-
You got a popular vagina.
He slipped and fell inside of her.
Here you go.
Even though they didn't use protection, so that's on both of them.
I think you lose at that point.
I think that's the point of the jury. Seatbelt laws. Yeah, you got to wear a seatbelt wire. That's right on both of them. I think you lose at that point. I think that's the point.
Seatbelt laws. Yeah, you gotta wear a seatbelt wear. That's right.
She still feels that Geico owes her a payout
because the guy has a policy with
them. I also wonder,
I just want to be at the next table
when she's at brunch and realizes
to herself, this is a play
I have here.
It isn't crazy because a personal injury happens like a car hits you,
the guy co-pays.
Sure.
You know what I mean?
Even though your insurance covers damage to your car.
But it was the operation of the car.
Yeah.
Sure, but she's in that car.
This guy took her into this car and did this thing.
He operated his.
Or she took him into his car.
Just a quick question.
Was it a stick shift?
Hey.
I'm not talking about the car.
This is where the article
just starts talking to me like...
Can't get it out of second gear.
I said this so many times,
but it always...
Pump the clutch.
Pump the clutch.
This is where the articles
start talking to me
like one of those menus
that wants you to know
how delicious something is.
Sure.
They just wrote,
she thinks Geico owes her a payout
because the guy has a policy with them.
Yeah, we don't think that's going to fly.
That's what this person wrote and just started talking to me.
In the article?
Yes.
This guy's got to talk to me.
I think she has a case.
Geico.
Guy's on board.
He's 100% on board with this case.
Geico filed a counter lawsuit to get the entire case dismissed per Reason.com.
I don't know if that's real or a joke or where this came from.
Maybe that's the case. Adding that their car insurance only covers injuries that happen out of the ownership,
maintenance, or use of the car.
He was using it, I'll tell you that much.
As a shelter.
Does it count as maintenance?
I don't know.
No.
She's got a case.
I don't know about this counter lawsuit.
She's not having a case, Scott.
She's got a case.
I think this is groundbreaking.
We all laughed at the woman who sued McDonald's for the hot coffee.
I know.
That's right.
It's true.
It's right.
This is her Scopes Monkey truck.
The situation doesn't sound like it fits into that category of being an issue with the car
itself, though the judge has yet to make a ruling.
We will end this show and story number three with how much money is the woman asking for
from Geico.
For HPV?
Yes.
For HPV.
For HPV and knowing Geico's,
just on Geico's marketing budget alone.
I think Geico only covers ATVs.
Yeah.
She got HBO also from this.
She did get HBO.
Free VMAX.
Free HPV.
So this is basically you're asking me
how much would you have to pay me
for me to get HPV.
That's right.
Yeah, this is what, what is HPV in your life worth to you? What for me to get HPV? That's right. Yeah, this is what,
what is HPV in your life worth to you?
What are the symptoms of HPV?
I don't want to minimalize anybody's HPV.
I don't want to minimalize it either.
But it is one of the most common.
It's common.
It is treatable.
Didn't Nate Fridson have a joke about this?
Yeah, I did too.
His joke was that men can carry it,
but it can never affect a man.
And so someone asking him
to care about it,
that's a real issue.
The symptoms are worse for women?
Yes.
Cervical cancer.
Okay.
Cervical cancer if untreated.
If untreated.
Seemingly rare.
And if anybody's like,
Daniel, you're an idiot and you're wrong,
it's not because I don't care.
It's just because I'm an idiot and wrong.
Okay.
How much money do you think she's asking Geico for?
Okay.
You could give me HPV for $150.
$150?
You are not.
That's what she's asking for in the case.
I'll pay you $150 to give me HPV.
No, you won't.
I want to see what it's like.
I need something to start the conversation.
Okay.
Wow.
I'm going to say she's... I mean, you're going to go to a lawsuit.
You want a few thousand dollars, so I'm going to say-
Hey, this is your MO here with lawsuits.
Are you going to a lawsuit? You get a few thousand bucks. What gets me going to say- This is your MO here with lawsuits. Yeah, you're going to lawsuit.
You get a few thousand bucks.
What gets me out of the house?
Hey, you're not going to file a lawsuit for under $3,000.
So I'm going to say $3,500.
Okay.
And I'm sticking with it.
This is a person who's like, I got you.
I got Geico.
I've got them now.
Also, the other part of this is the guy doesn't have any money for her.
So she's found-
Right.
This is why lawsuits happen is she's- Found the deeper pocket. Found the people who have the deeper pockets. Yeah, the other part of this is the guy doesn't have any money for her. So she's found... Right. This is why lawsuits happen.
She's found the deeper pockets.
The deeper pockets.
Exactly.
To your psychic's landlord.
So the deeper pockets.
I mean, his pants are already off.
So you're going to find pockets elsewhere.
Pockets.
Sure.
So I would say $10,000.
$10,000.
Yeah.
Okay.
The woman is asking...
Is it a weird amount, Dan?
Seeking.
Is it a weird amount?
I bet it's in the millions. It's not a weird amount. Dan? Seeking. Is it a weird amount? I bet it's in the millions.
It's not a weird amount.
Okay.
Is seeking.
And we'll end it here.
Follow Scott in every single thing that he does.
Listen to Threedom.
Go to that comedy bang bang world.
CBB World.
CBB World.
Get on it.
Scholars have a Patreon where you can finally watch Cheap Seats again.
I have one as well.
And it's just a lot of perks for fun stuff.
Here we go.
She is asking for $1 million.
Oh, my God.
You still on board with this case?
This is...
Does she have a case, guys?
Maybe she's going a million.
To settle.
Yeah, she's going to settle for $130,000.
Yeah, she has to prove...
How bad the HPV is.
Emotional distress is probably where most of it is.
Sure.
You know, but... but yeah i think she i
she might settle like geico might settle with her hey we'll give you 10 grand to just to go away
just to go away and geico has that we'll give you 10 grand but they filed a counter suit so they
also yeah so they don't want the precedent no yeah someone yeah yeah it's like dan it's like
the thing you said a while ago.
Like, whatever happened to accidents happening?
Whatever happened to like a guy, someone driving over someone's foot?
That doesn't exist anymore.
Right.
My brother did that when I was young.
Drove over my foot?
Drove over my foot, yeah.
Did you sue?
Oh, my God.
I should have.
Jason, what do you think he sued for?
$3,000.
He's going all the way to a lawsuit.
$3,500.
Wasn't I right, though? It was more than $3,500. Wasn't I right, though?
It was more than $3,500.
You were right. And it's a weird way to say
you were right. You're so far off.
I love it. Oh, that's a show.
There you go, Scott Arkman. We love you so much.
Thanks for joining us.
Thank you so much for...
Oh, God. How am I going to...
No, you started it.
You started having me?
Yes, we'll allow it.
You put the nuts in the truck on that one, guys.
We love you so much.
And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work.
Boom.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum.
Stick around. Make a sound. Hungry down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around.
Make a sound.
Hungry down.
It's Dumb People Town.