Dumb People Town - Scott Aukerman - Science T. Ology

Episode Date: June 6, 2023

Scott Aukerman (Comedy Bang Bang The Podcast: The Book) stops by as Jason describes how a drunken man wandered into the Brewers clubhouse, Randy tells about a man threatened to call off his wedding because his fiancee wanted their dogs to marry as well, and Daniel explains how a family of four got into a knife fight, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsor: Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Rand and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this

So listen to our Podcast band with co-host Armand Dan Don't be a jerk This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. It is so easy to get caught up in what everyone else needs from you and never to take a moment to think about what you need from yourself. Therapy can give you the tools to find more balance in your life so you can keep supporting others without leaving yourself behind. So key. Find more balance with BetterHelp.

Visit BetterHelp.com slash DPT to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash D-P-T. Do it today. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Aukerman. Scotty Aukerman.

Am I a citizen? Yes, of course. You're an alderman. You're Scott Alderman. Dude, you hold a special place. You just got your green card. What was it like? What special place?

Well, I would say probably like 13 years ago or so, you said to these two dudes, come do a podcast over where I'm doing mine, back on a poker table in Hollywood. Yeah, we were. That's right. It almost was. We were the sister podcast to comedy.

Death Ray at the time. You guys were the first show that we wanted to come over. And then I started interning at UCB and said, do you guys ever do interns at Earwolf? And you said, talk to Jeff. You're from Chicago. He's going to like that. Did I say that?

No. You're going to like that. You were like, hey, Jeff Waller and I usually meet here before Comedy Bang Bang, so you should talk to him. And I talked to Jeff, and then I helped build the microwave stand at Earwolf as an intern and started working. That's your legacy. I hope it's still there.

And then started working with these guys because of that. You are a facilitator of this. You're an architect of many things. Yes. I cannot take any credit for your success, but I'm glad that you still remember. Listen, I know you've created people in your day, but I'm glad that you still remember. I know you've created people in your day, but I think the creation of

this... You didn't even have to have sex to do it. You guys just mind-melded that baby. It was scientific. It really was. And you know what? You did a beautiful job. You know the stream here. It's just dumb story.

World's still dumb. That's the good news since we were way back might even be dumber scott it might even be done and i've got the first story since you did it all right here we go here's the headline okay uh this is sent in by the way by zach at z dot underscore mke Milwaukee? Or Mike. That's that airport code. M-K-E. Okay. M-K-E. M-K-E. M-K-E. Yep. Man charged with burglarizing Brewers Clubhouse following game in September. Wait, so he hung around until after the game?

Let's get into it. I mean, I know you're a big sports fan, Scott. Do you think the Brewers are a baseball team? Love it. But to be fair, let's start with the fact that the name of the baseball team involves brewing beer. Yeah. So we're in a culture of alcohol. You're asking for something crazy to happen. I know this because of a bit I do about Wisconsin.

I'm pretty sure I'm remembering correctly. because of a bit i do about wisconsin i'm pretty sure i'm remembering correctly of the 50 50 most drunkest counties in the united states 39 of them are in wisconsin and nine of the top 10 are in wisconsin you know you can't buy i i live there which was very weird because i was just in wisconsin on tour and i said this is the first time i've ever been in wisconsin and someone raised their hand said you lived here for a while that's how drunk you were scott so i lived in milwaukee but you could not buy alcohol after uh it was like seven or nine yeah there's different yeah so they stocked up at like three even milwaukee as a city is like we got to cut these people off right right we need it like we know we know what you're capable of you gotta cut them off even animals well good thing for

people in wisconsin a lot of them are believe they believe in stockpiling so also like the idea that like we're brewers fans the team no we just like the people who brew the beer but this dude do you think the logic here is game's over yeah whatever they left in the dugout they obviously don't want that's right game's over my game's just beginning it's so much more than that. I'm just going to take it. Let's do it. I just want to drink it. All right. After passing out in the bushes outside of American Family Field.

He's not even at the game. Well, I mean, he is. Well, he may have been at the game. He might have either been to the game. Never made it in. I mean, is this like the Homer Simpson meme where he just disappears into the bushes? Yeah, it's probably more of a fall. He's falling into the bushes.

I ain't going to go to sleep over here. But I love that they- That's my favorite video. They had to name the stadium American Family Field just to try to encourage less drinking. Well, guys, also- American Family Field. I talk about this on stage too. Do you know what the legal drinking age is in the state of Wisconsin?

15 with a parent. It is 14 years old with a parent. You can drink, and it's not even parent i said can you drink in bars any bar wow in the state no you can drink with a legal guardian which means it doesn't even have to be your parent it can be the uncle nobody trusts your boy scout leader you could be your you could be on a very handsy lake trip this is how it works i've seen it firsthand you could be on a lake trip with your friend. Like you're both 14 years old.

And as long as their parents are in the bar, you can drink. You can go up to that bar and order whatever you want. Isn't this wild? It's insane. This is Wisconsin. Shouldn't things be legal if people want to do it? I don't know. I guess.

Here's what it is. After passing out in the bushes outside of American Family Field, a man allegedly made his way into the Milwaukee Brewers clubhouse. How do you do that? Made his way. This is the interesting part. He stole electronics, a credit

card, team memorabilia, and other merchandise, according to the charges filed by Milwaukee. From the dugout. Who has their credit card in the dugout? No, not the dugout, the clubhouse. If you make your way into... Who has their credit card in the dugout? No, not the dugout. The clubhouse. If you make your way into the clubhouse, you should be able to keep everything you take. Yeah.

You should be like Supermarket Sweet. He made his way. He made his way. People say we don't make things in America. He made his way. I hope when the cops came in and go, what are you doing, buddy? He's like, making my way. Making my way in the world today.

Takes everything you got. It actually takes very little. None of these doors are locked. Okay. Justin Blodorn. Oh, that's great. Justin Blodorn. Blodorn.

He's a real Blodorn. Which, by the way, is what you do when they give you an alcohol breathalyzer. Put your mouth on the Blodorn and give us a blow. All right. That's what a lot of Trekkies want to do. Oh, that is great, Scott. Scott Hawker for the win. Scott Hawker.

His name's Michael Dorn, is that right? Never mind. Okay. He was charged. Would you like to blow, Dorn? Yes, I would. He was charged with a felony burglary on December 14th. So this happened recently.

Holiday season. According to the court records. According to the criminal complaint, the man attended the September 8th doubleheader. Never forget where you were on 9-8. Between San Francisco Giants and the Brewers with his roommate and his roommate's father. Shocking this guy's not married. Roommate and roommate's father. You got a lift home?

Right. We're going to the state. You okay to get home? Sure, yeah. So they just leave him there? Yeah, just left him there. Roomm roommate's father that's a very not friend that's a specific relationship exactly how do you know this guy

roommate's father roommate's father should be the name of a cologne what do you what's that new scent you're wearing it's called roommate's father what do you want what do you want a little distance in your relationship? The Milwaukee Journal Sentinel reported that he drank at least how many beers? Okay. Did Justin blowdorn? And Scott apparently lived in Milwaukee. Yeah.

Don't ask him. I'm going to guess one. You know what? He might have said that. I had one beer. One beer. One beer. That's not. I had one beer one beer that's not that way this is after a double header this is after a double header and this is before the pitch clock yes before the pitch clock games took a long time four and a half hours what is like the

intermission in between yeah probably an hour in between only an hour no it's got to be more than that two hours at least 90 people stick around do you buy tickets and you get to see both yes yes i guarantee you do like it's probably only it can it can't be like a three-hour intervention because everyone i think it's only an hour it's an hour okay so we're talking about eight hours four hours for each game eight or nine hours yeah nine hours how many beers i'm gonna go with the number addresses in my favorite film 27 in your favorite i'm gonna go 11 11 beers he definitely had like 20 20 beers but is this what

i mean this is what he said i think i mean one of you is one beer off okay. Now we all have the chance now to change it by 21. 10. 26. 10. Alright. One of you is right now. Okay, great. The answer. We could have all gone the wrong way. One of you is two years old. Everyone shout at your ham radios. Justin Blodorn,

according to the Milwaukee Journey Sentinel, drank 10 beers. Dan! 10 beers. That's it? 10. I mean, that's a lie. It's an 10 beers. There we go. Dan! 10 beers. That's it? 10. I mean, that's a lie. It's an obvious lie. Here it is, Dan.

He's saying 10. But it really is. It's probably like 27. I think that's really what it is. All right. 10 beers. Woke up in the bushes and re-entered the stadium by pulling a door until it opened up. So this is like January 6th rules of how you make your way into the Capitol. How'd you get in? I pulled the door until it opened up. So this is like January 6th rules of how you make your way into the capital.

How'd you get in? I pulled the door until it opened up. Hey, should we fix that door over there? Nah, no one's gonna pull it. Just like then, he's on just an unsupervised tour. That's right. Lodorn then ended up in the Brewers Clubhouse where he began taking items within the locker room according to the Milwaukee

Again, this is so much like January 6th. He took a piece of Nancy Pelosi's mail. It was weird. This is what he took. He was a Brewer's strength coach. That's the wrong guy you want to take shit from. You definitely don't want to take anything with a strength coach. Stated that he was missing a work backpack, a laptop, two iPods.

One for each ear. That is, by the way, the dream dream to have a work backpack and a home backpack wow honey where's my where's my where's my work backpack you're wearing it i need to watch the game where's my home backpack not the gym one no where's where's my fun backpack where's my travel backpack it's by my work backpack nope that's my home backpack what are you doing what are we even doing to organize the bag I need to find my two iPods. I don't want to use my bedroom backpack. Where's my third and... Two iPods,

a Walkman. A Walkman? Are you serious? This guy's insane. This guy's from the 80s. Two pairs of headphones, a passport. If you're going to have two iPods and one Walkman, have three headphones. Dude, a passport. Agreed. A passport. Where's he going? Two pairs of sunglasses. A passport is a person who doesn't have a passport. A passport. Where is he going? Two pairs of sunglasses.

A passport is a person who doesn't have a license. A passport. Two pairs of sunglasses. Someone's like going in disguise. A credit card and personal notebooks and calendars from his office. Calendars. Calendars. Well, if he's got an iPod, he does not have an iCal.

Yeah. Let's be honest about that. Passport is to go to Canada, though, right? Is it? Oh, I bet you're right. Yeah. That's a great call. That is a great logical call call it's got to go in the work makes total sense uh manager craig council yeah we got to go play against toronto next week you know he needs a

passport uh craig council also had a jersey and shaving kit vanish from his office that's how drunk half of those things make sense this make the actual list though like why is it set to he also had this. Yeah, shaving kit. Shaving kit. That's a good thing to steal when you're drunk. Hey, whose shaving kit is that? It's Craig Council's.

How can you prove it? So far, the only thing that makes sense is the jersey, Craig Council's jersey. Yeah, the Craig Council jersey. And someone would be like, you just bought that, didn't you? No. If that was the only tag, I bet they'd let him keep it. Yeah. The Brewers?

The Brewers would let him keep it. In addition, a brewer's equipment manager said that a game worn hat an autographed baseball bat a 45 year anniversary 1982 brewers wow they played the cardinals signed bat a replica world series ring and this is the crazy one and keys to the arizona spring training facility we're all taken from this. That's unbelievable. So we know where this guy's going with his passport. He might go to Mexico and then come back up to Arizona. He's going to party in the Arizona facility. Detectives eventually learned that two Brewers game-issued jerseys were also taken from the team clubhouse,

along with a small locker room bag full of baseballs and pitching training devices. We took so much stuff. This has been like four sentences of stuff. Yes. He also took this stuff. Also, don't steal more than you can carry. Right.

When you're drunk, he had that travel backpack. That's the work. You know, the work, the work. You don't know how much stuff you can fit into a work back. Oh my God.

True. Following the burglary, blue door, blowdorn reportedly caught an Uber to take him home along with the stolen items. The criminal complaint stated that some of Blodorn's... Now, is the Uber driver then an accessory to the crime? Yeah, the wheel man. Yeah.

Baby driver. Baby driver. That's his baby driver. There he is. Blodorn's thefts were caught on surveillance video inside the stadium. Obviously. Yeah, no shit. There's gonna be a camera.

Someone saw this guy walking around. Oh, yeah. Let's see what he takes. We'll get it back. We'll get it back. We're at the crime scene. Blodorn's roommate called police and told them that he had returned home early on September 9th with a duffel bag full of Brewers. Told you, not a friend.

Wait, the roommate ratted him out? Yes. The roommate ratted him out. Surprised it wasn't the roommate's father. Roommate's father, because you're never safe with the truth. The majority of the items were recovered at Blodorn's apartment. The majority of them. Where did the other ones go? The keys to the Arizona facility. That safe with the truth. The majority of the items were recovered at Blood Orange Apartments. The majority of them. Where did the other ones go?

The keys to the Arizona facility. That's in the Uber. It's still in the Uber. The Uber driver's there. I'm not going to pay you, but if you're ever in Arizona, if convicted, how many years can he face in prison? I mean, well, they max it out. This isn't what you're going to end up at. I know, but just 20 years.

I'm going to go with the number of dresses in my favorite movie, 27 years. I'm going to say 10 years in prison. All right. If convicted, you can face up to 12 years and six months in prison. 12 years and six months. Again, just say 12 and a half years. 12 and a half years. You can face 12 years in prison, period.

You can also face six more months in prison. They got a word count over here. Who's writing this? They got a word count How big of a fine We'll get out of here And then we'll guess his age Well let's do the 15k I'm gonna guess

In thousands the number of dresses in my favorite 27k I'm gonna say 20 grand Get your answers in Scott Ackerman is closest $25,000 How old 20 grand. 20 grand. Get your answers in. Scott Ackerman is closest. $25,000. There you go. Finally paid off.

How old? Get out of here on this. Your love of Catherine Heigl. How old is this person? How old is Justin Blodorn? I mean, if you don't say 27, I don't know what's... He's got a roommate. He's going to a doubleheader.

He obviously didn't have to work that day. This is tough. Who is this guy? You're now a parent. Look, this could happen in your life. Your kid could get drunk, fall in the bushes. He has a roommate and his roommate still hangs out with his father. Well, that's not his relationship with his own dad.

I know, but I mean, I don't know how old. His roommate ratted on him. Jay, I know you. If this were you and someone else was reading the story, you would want this guy to be 62. Of course, but I know that's not true. I'm going to guess somewhere between 26 and 28. Probably 27. You're going to say 27.

And I didn't think you were going to go there. I'm going to say he's 31 years old. I'm going to say somewhere between 26 and 28. Probably 27. You're going to say 27. And I didn't think you were going to go there. I'm going to say he's 31 years old. I'm going to say he's 21 years old. 21 years old. Get your answers in. Okay. Closest, once again, is Scott Aukerman, 25 years old. Oh!

There you go. There you go. Story number one. So if he saved $1,000 every year that he was alive, he could pay the fine. He could pay the fine. That's it. And he probably has. And he never did.

I hope he has. I would like to do that. Save $1,000 every year, even when I'm a baby. Just somehow. $1,000 a year. You got a way to get $1,000 and save it? It's easy when you're a baby because people are- What are you going to spend it on?

Friends are giving gifts. What are you going to spend it on? What are you going to waste your money on? By the way, you can sell all this memorabilia and put $ thousand and let it okay anyway i love it story number one down the books when we come back we're going to find out about uh the new book that scott ackerman is somehow behind somehow he's behind what is this book that we're hearing about sounds very shady tell you about all this other stuff the book he's behind let's take a break we'll come back with more dumb people town and scott ackerman right after this hey townies welcome back to the show uh before we

get into story number two uh and before we get into scott arkerman's book uh we have some comedy dates coming up where you can come see us yes um i don't know if this will be coming or dropping before or after we're in minneapolis if it's before on minneapolis on uh may 18th 19th 20th will be at the acme comedy company which is one of our favorite places to play. Great club. I bet we'll get this out right away. It should be out pretty soon. Yeah.

And then we got, we're doing another night of our show, Tag It, at the Comedy Store on June 14th. That's the Belly Room that sold out before the night of, which was so good. The place I first did comedy? Is that where you first did comedy? The Belly Room?

The Belly Room. It's a wonderful place to do comedy. Hey, now. I actually love the room for this show, Tag It, which I don't know if you've ever heard this show that we do, but our comedian friends do their sets while they're doing their set. Jay and I are off to the side writing tags. We come up on Saturdays. If I'm in town, I'm going to come watch.

You could be on it. You did great. He did it. He did the first one. Oh, yeah, he already did the show. You did the first one. Fuck you, Dan. Get out of here.

Is this a one and done situation? It's a one and done, Dan. We got some red to love. All our dates are at superscars.com. Daniel, what about you, sir? Go to danielvankirk.com. Irene, too, and I have a show every other Monday at the Cat's Crawl. You can come and see that.

And then. Are we doing it this Monday? If this is before the 8th, you bet your ass you are. All right. As we're. Oh, as of today? Yes, you are doing it next Monday night. okay good to know yeah everything has nothing to do no bearing on what's what we're saying right here but there you go right and then also uh check my dates for

stuff i'll be around this summer dan vankirk stuff coming up uh scott ackerman the new book let's talk about it it is a book completely about dianetics is that correct yeah you know i the whole lore behind dianetics you felt like it was not written the correct way the book is called science tology right yes science tology it's about a character named science theology science t who has low t right my name is science theology he becomes clear finally for real though because i haven't got my hands on it. Is this essentially the Bible of Comedy Bang Bang? No, it's okay. So it's Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book.

Yeah. And when the publisher pitched it to me, I kind of thought they were like pitching like a handbook or like bios and stuff like that or an episode list. Compendium? Yeah, and that wasn't really interesting, but no, they wanted me to do a thing, which is more like

the characters on the show submitting pieces for the book right i love that so it's all of the comedians who are on the show all the time paul f tompkins lily sullivan andy daly all these people bobby moynihan all these people have written uh pieces for the book and so it's as their character as their character so it's sort of like a collection of posters and games and like weird business cards and lists and all sorts of stuff. Oh, that's so great. And does it, if I remember correctly, isn't it, you're doing a really fun thing up top

where it's like the foreword to the foreword, the rebuttal of the prologue. Yes, there's the fore forward is by lin-manuel miranda amazing rebuttal to the forward by weird al yankovic basically just makes fun of lin-manuel and the mistakes he made in his that's great uh and then uh forward to the preface preface to the forward like all the all these different yeah it's so great it's like if i mean it's it's wonderful because you're like if comedy bang bang did a book that's it or was it weirdly enough how would we do this and how would it be and it's if you love the tv show and you love the podcast where do people go to get it people can get it anywhere uh amazon barnes and noble you

know anywhere you get books i do believe it's pronounced Amazon. Amazon. Sorry. Get in the zone. Amazon. Amazon. That is their theme song. What's best? Where's the best place you want people to get to me? Okay. Yeah.

Get it wherever you want. Get it where you want. Are you doing any dates this year? No, I just did some for the book to open and I'm probably going to take the rest of the year off. But who knows? Okay.

Those are great shows when you guys do it. Phenomenal and fun shows. And of course, listen to the podcast, subscribe to it, to it enjoy it podcast is every week and cbbworld.com is out there which uh is the subscriber patreon where people can sort of like if you're just listening to comedy bang bang you're not getting all the extra stuff which is like all the characters have their own shows and all sorts of stuff so i love it all right fantastic and our patreon too we should mention that to our fans yes Yes, we have a Patreon as well where we do extra stuff.

It is a competition. It is a competition. Our competition is in a competition with the CBD world. Right now, we're in second. Ours is called CBD world. It's a very different thing. No, it's...

You get the Patreon. We add extra stories and extra things and extra content. It's five bucks. If you dig this, you get more of it. Are we ready for my story?

I'm so excited. My story was sent in by our good friend carlene mcdermott she sends a lot in at she carlene fantastic fantastic uh handle you ready for this yeah and this is one of those stories it's one of those reddit stories where we have to decide who is the asshole like who along the way are we and i'll check in with you periodically and say all right scott whose side are you on now and then it's more so for anybody who doesn't know on reddit there's a thread where people tell their own story with the big question am i the asshole and there are times they usually are they yes the fun thing is is when it starts out it starts out when they definitely are and then by the end you're like, well, maybe you aren't. I like when it changes.

I like when it changes. What am I? Who is this? What am I the asshole? Alright. Hit it. Groom threatens to cancel wedding. Are we on? Whose side are we on now? Well, I don't know yet. After brides suggest their dogs marry each other.

Okay, she's nuts. But so far, during the wedding, she suggests this? Either way. Okay, she's nuts. But so far, I think... During the wedding, she suggests this? Either way. Before the wedding. If you consider your dog your child, then she wants a brother and stepbrother and stepsister to marry. Hang on a second. Which is legally fine. Because it goes in so many directions.

A groom claims he's now considering calling off his wedding altogether. Wait, he's considering it? Come on. Come on. He's an emotional terrorist. Write the article when he's done it or hasn't done it. Why are we checking him in this bad mood closet? Call me when the place has been rebooked. Altogether, after his funeral.

So far, he's the asshole, by the way. Yeah. This is a little much. He goes to the press when he's just considering. Yeah, just considering it. It might be the journalist. Yeah. Who do you think wrote this?

I don't know. So far, just based on that, do you think he is wondering if he's the asshole or she is? The roommate's father, I think. We'll see. I love that. And the roommate's father is going to be giving the bride away. I just wanted to know. So weird.

He's the asshole to me. She's not. He considers her his. Keep going, Ran. So she. i'm with you a groom is now considering calling off his wedding altogether after his fiancee and her best friend revealed their plans to quote marry their dogs to one another at the actual ceremony so this is the wife is saying hey when we get married,

you know my friend Kelly? Our dogs want to get married too at that same ceremony. Look, that is wild. Also, have the wedding you want. You want to have a goddamn red for a wedding? I don't care. But both people need to be into it. Except for a red wedding.

He's just looking for a reason. Yeah, he doesn't want to be with her. According to this exasperated man. Maybe he did write it. This is the journalist, by the way. This is someone who wrote a story about him. Yeah, exactly. It's like, did the guy say, I'm exasperated?

Then you can call him exasperated. This is somebody who wrote a story about a Reddit post. Right. According to this exasperated man. Again, exasperated man, one of my favorite Smith songs. His bride-to-be, Jess. Exasperated man, again, exasperated man, one of my favorite Smith songs. Sure, yeah. His bride-to-be, Jessie. What do you mean exasperated, mom? You're really good.

And her maid of honor, Abby, have long planned to hold a, quote, doggy wedding ceremony between their dogs and their future husband's dogs. This is what the two best friends said. When you get married, we're going to have a dog wedding. This makes sense if Abby's getting married at the same, it's like an MGM double wedding, you know, at the end of Guys and Dolls or whatever, where it's like, okay, Abby is getting married and her best friend, they're both getting married.

And Jessica's getting married, and then we're going to marry the dogs too. Then it's cute, but it doesn't sound like Abby is close to getting married. Also, well, she's close to someone who is getting married do it at the rehearsal dinner you really want to deal with this you really want to deal with this lid that's such a great day of your own also dog priest you got to bring this dog priest in and deal with that this is not a priest that is a dog no man you got a human priest

who just deals with who officiates only dog weddings but they're dressed like a saint bernard here's dog confessions bork bork dog fashions all right have planned to have love dog away all right as he doesn't have any dogs of his own however uh not being much of a quote dog person himself i can't believe that wasn't a non-starter why is he getting married to this woman anyway she has a dog she's a dog the two pals two pals, meaning Abby and Jessica, quickly began gushing about how cute it would be to include both of their pets in the upcoming wedding. Abby's kind of stepping in here a little too far, in my opinion.

Abby, this isn't your wedding. You can't now bring your dog into their wedding. I would be mad. As a groom, I would be mad. I would be mad. This isn't his... Or I would hold... This is why this guy's an idiot.

Marriage is all about who's holding the capital at that moment. So, okay. Let her have the dog wedding, and then you go, you know what? Marriage is about who's holding the capital at that moment? Yes, at that moment. What a romantic you are, Jimmy. Yes. Jason's in succession.

So listen to this. Who has the upper hand? So this isn't his sort of thing at all, but he... Listen to the guy. upper hand so this isn't his sort of thing at all but he listened to the guy he initially agreed to keep jessica happy presuming she just want the dogs there with them at the altar i think a lot of people do my dog was uh was led up to our altar on the wedding and then sacrificed at the altar that was very odd i i don't know why you did that. Shot in the head execution style. Why? We're going to get letters on that.

Unfortunately, it soon emerged Abby and Jessica wanted a full-blown wedding ceremony for their pooches on the day itself. When is that happening? I don't know. At what point in the wedding? With entire parts of the reception dedicated to their pet's friendship. So now I'm feeling like jessica's just getting married so she can have a wedding so that they can finally have the wedding they really want which is between their dogs also the dogs have not consented to this none of a hundred percent

not yeah maybe the maybe the dogs you want to marry maybe that's not this dog maybe they want a civil union they don't want to be tied down by law exactly talking they don't even want a big wedding these dogs are going to get it annulled in a week anyway so this is such a such a uh exercise in futility well i think jessica and david are going to as well talking to reddit where he goes by the username you slash need help superb cookie okay now i don't like it at all yeah all right for just to hear he's on reddit yeah bad enough honey honey come to bed what are you doing i'm letting strangers decide how i feel about our relationship is that weird so sorry i'm so sorry is that a weird moment all right so the the groom

i'm not going to give his age we'll guess it shit like puppy pictures slideshow a cake for them dog friendly favor this is what he wrote yeah dog friendly favor bags because they want their friends their family to bring their dogs too this is a goddamn dog run right here now i told them no and then i already made one compromise on the issue and i don't want a bunch of dogs around for an entire wedding let me tell you this and reception and if they did that we'd have to find an all new venue. No matter what venue you get, you're going to lose the deposit. Yeah.

I reminded her that she was near the limit of what she could contribute towards our wedding funds. And I'd be paying the rest. And I don't want to pay extra stuff for a bunch of dogs is what he said. They both said that this was really important to them, so I told Jessica point blank. He said it to her. He said point blank.

We can stick to what we originally agreed to, or she and Abby could have their costly party. See that? He didn't have to go that far. He wants to throw in how expensive it is. That allows dogs by themselves, and we just get married at the courthouse by ourselves. So he's trying to blow this whole thing up now. Yeah. He's like, well, you just get married at the courthouse. That's fine's trying to blow this whole thing up now yeah he's like well you just get married in the courthouse that's fine let's do

that let's do that instead because you want to have the dog wedding we'll just go to the courthouse we you so you can have the dog house we're going to go to the courthouse if i was that well i can tell you guys look you dead in the eyes and say abby did not take this well point blank abby did not take this well at all and told jessica you know what abby told jessica he was being manipulative and making ultimatums which he kind of is yeah but you're allowed to make ultimatums i don't know when that got such a same yeah just you know if you do that i'm going to blank right yes we he's like i already gave in on this issue we could walk the dogs to the altar if you want

but like we're not doing it's not even i'm not saying exactly what i say you're making an ultimatum yeah right even asking her to stay at hers until the groom pulls his head out of his ass she's like abby says you go stay at my house until the this guy pulls that jessica also reportedly feels that he's being selfish, but simply wants the wedding to be about them and not Abby and her pets. That's the thing. Abby's not part of this. Well, Abby is really

inserting herself in this whole situation. But or Jessica is going... For real, I'm going to ask each of you. I'm going to start with you, Jay. We'll end with Scott here. Whose side are you on here? Because there's a lot of stuff in this. I'm on the groom's side. You're on the groom's side. I'm going to ask each of you. I'm going to start with you, Jay, and we'll end with Scott here. Whose side are you on here? Because there's a lot of stuff in this. I'm on the groom's side.

You're on the groom's side. I'm 100% on the groom's side. Why? Because he gave a little. He gave a little, and it's not, they don't, this is like, he doesn't want to be on the experimental stage at Dogchella. You know what I'm saying? Like, he wants to be on the main stage.

Who's on the main stage? The dogs are on the main stage. Actually, the crazy new dog is on the main stage. Okay, great. Three-? The dogs are on the main stage. The crazy Snoop Dogg is on the main stage. Three Dogg Knight. Nick Dogg Hologram. Followed by Pitbull. I mean, they're all there. All the majors start. All my dogs are there. Temple of the Dogg.

Hologram again. I'm going to wrap it up. Temple of the Dogg. Temple of the Dogg. I don't mind stealing bread from the mouth of every dog. I'll do the hard part. All right, tell me, please. Dan, who's society one?

Here's the deal. Legitimately, they should be, if they want to be together, right? That's always the first question in any relationship, business or personal. You start out by going, do you want to keep doing this? If both people say yes, they need to go to therapy. They can find a compromise. Just like the writers and the streamers yes oh god oh god no timely um remember when i told you when scott said he

wanted to retire these are the things contributing to that well our jokes um quote i do this show i'm like i want to retire i should should end this. And you also go, I can't believe I put those guys together. Yeah. Why did I do that? That's a lot. I will go, God damn. She's the asshole. But he's not.

Neither of them are completely in the right. He's not budging. He's not clean. He's not clean. He's making it harder. But she. But I literally think I would go, is that the wedding you want to have? That is your ultimate dream.

I would go, that is not mine at all. So we can either do these two things separately or this is all you and you just tell me when to show up. You tell her, you say, look, you will do this wedding and we'll do the dog wedding. It's fine. I'm going to go to Burning Man by myself in like two weeks. And then who knows what happens yeah i mean but i may come back i may not i might not come but i'm excited about our little dog wedding yeah but have fun with the dog scott who do you whose side are you on here what's his reddit

handle oh yeah something superb a13 his reddit handle is i'll be going to Vegas every Sunday. You slash need help superb cookie. Yeah, fuck him. All right. He's the asshole, according to him. I think he needs to say there has to be a serious accounting of her relationship with Abby. What do you owe Abby here? It seems to me like they want to get married. Right.

Go for it. Yeah, we all feel that way. I mean, it's a sin. Well, it's a sin well once she said everybody bring their dogs this is you having a whole other you're not it isn't your that's a different event wedding anymore no exactly it's a dog run it's a yeah exactly i mean this is where people say like what's what are we gonna now when people can let dogs marry each other dogs like that's the that's the thing that everybody's worried we haven't even gotten to those people i mean it's crazy wait what about

you ran i think i i think the guy was the guy gave a little bit by saying like we can have the dogs walk up to the altar and i'm totally cool with that and it can be abby's dog and this dog and we can be like but isn't that the other deal too because if their dogs are getting married and you're doing it in your wedding abby's the one holding her dog so at some point all three of you are up there no but so so the so then the priest should say this is what i would give i now pronounce you and you two that's it that's all you get and you two dogs husband everyone here except the people that are already married like make it really confusing everyone here everyone in the room except for the people who are already married or the people who are dating

and don't want that level. Anyone who's been spayed and neutered. You are now pronounce you husband and what, you know, and then there you go. But I feel like he gave enough that she needs to understand. She's going to give a little bit. Is this a man and a woman dog?

That's important. That is a question. Scott's about to draw a hard line. Wow. Gay dogs. Wow. So there you go That's story number two

Down in the books Daniel do you know What your story's about I don't even remember Okay so You could do it Alright so It's just about

A crazy family of four Oh yeah I remember Crazy family of four These people aren't We're gonna bring it on home We'll bring it on home After this break Scott Ackerman's with us

He's got a new book Title of the book is If you wanna go get it Comedy Bang Bang The podcast the book Comedy Bang Bang The podcast the book you better go get it we'll be right back stick around make a sound there's more don't people town hey guys this show is sponsored by better help if you don't know what better help does it's about therapy we are therapy people my wife is a therapist i've been in my own therapy and I can't tell you how

important it is to have that outlet emotionally in your life. And it's not just for you. It's for the people around you in your world to have this objective outside force in your life, helping you examine who you are and finding balance in your life. Gives you that balance. Definitely. As a person that I've done, I've done therapy. I'm in therapy. And having someone that you can talk to, I think, is the most beneficial thing you can have in your life. Like a professional that can help guide you through just, people always say umps and downs. But really, it's just like a constant flow of life and how you manage your health and feel good about yourself. And better help, Dan.

They make it so easy. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online. Designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. And here's what I love. You can switch therapists at any time for no additional charge. So you really get to find the person who's right for you. Oh, yeah. For more balance, you got to find it.

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Welcome back to the show. We are back. Daniel Van Kirk, take us home. Take us home, buddy. Sent in by Megan Leskowski at Soymates4 eva or eva i'm not sure here's the headline family of four all wielding knives stab each other in wild fight now at least it's fair i mean yeah right i'm a family of four so yeah so are you imagine if everybody walking around your house just had a knife i mean this is why you get a sweet when you go on the road.

How does it get to this point? Right. How does it get to this? Everyone has a knife to the other person's throat. Is it like one of those? No, no, no. Start with someone saying like, hey, I have a knife. The other person going, that's not a knife.

This is not a knife. That's actually, this is actually a knife. It is the Dundee family. Okay, got it. Paul Hogan. It is the Dundee family. Okay, got it. Paul Hogan.

Four family members, a mother, father, brother, and sister, were all stabbed during a fight at their Texas home on Brandon. I mean, it is open carry of knives in Texas. Sure. Deputy with the Harris County, I believe that's where Houston is, Harris County Sheriff's Office responded to a call around 10.50 p.m. It feels too early and too late. A knife fight of trouble a call around 10.50 p.m. It feels too early. And too late. A knife fight of trouble.

Yeah. 10.50? This is what are we watching on TV time. Most families, by the way, are either asleep or they're still wide awake. And this is still in the good time. Like, we haven't even got to midnight. Yeah, exactly. Like, my family, we're all asleep at this time.

Yes. But then the people who stay up late, this is everyone's... They're fine. They've got two more hours. They're having dinner at this point. Right. We're cleaning up dinner at 10. asleep at this time. Yes. But then the people who stay up late, this is everyone's. They're fine. They got two more hours. They're like having dinner at this point. Right. We're cleaning up dinner at 10.50 p.m. Yes.

Exactly. Looks like someone brought a knife to a knife fight. They said to each other. They all. Looks to your left. Looks to your right. Two of these people have knives. So do you.

If everyone has a knife at each other. I wonder if one person didn't. It was like, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hang on, hang on. She's got to get her knife. She's got to get her knife. She's got to get her knife. Let your sister get her knife. That's a butter knife, honey.

What are you doing? We all have sharp ones. They responded to the call around 10.50 p.m. on July 24th about a family disturbance at a home on Regional Park Drive. Did you say who called? Yeah, which of them called? Yeah, who did call? Or a neighbor.

It's like, they're at it again. No, you know what? Their foreign exchange student. Yes. Who was like, oh my God. Oh, Jesus. I can't believe I came from Croatia. Right.

Also, can you imagine that call? A person with a knife. How many? All of them. All of us. All of them. Yeah. We all do.

All of us. Regional Park Drive, about 16 miles north of downtown Houston. That's probably like somewhere around Conroe. I know my area. Maybe the woodlands. Sheriff Ed Gonzalez said in a a tweet the fight started between two adult siblings so that's how it starts who are brother and sister the brother came home that night intoxicated of course and armed he and his sister got into a heated argument which turned

physical he was a he astros are cheating no they're not well he was disarmed during the struggle gonzalez said and the mother and father stepped in attempting to break things up hey hey hey hey like with knives so no one has knives at this point because he does he would no he was disarmed he was disarmed so no one has a knife i'm just tracking knife use for sure okay so the so no one has a knife mother and father step in to to deal with their adult children. Right. Okay. Got it. You're like, I'm so happy I don't have to break up fights between you anymore. You guys are adults now.

And also it's in quote, break things up, which means later when the cops got here, they're holding knives and being like, we're trying to break it up. Right. But you're now making it worse. But the violence only escalated and each family member grabbed a knife as the night went on. Or fight went on. Both, actually.

The night and the fight. The night and the fight. When deputies arrived at the home, they found all four members of the family had been stabbed. Oh, my God. I know. Did everyone get one in? Or did, like, one guy stab three, and everyone else did, like, a murder on the Orient Express to the other person? I bet they don't even know.

Yeah. I mean, I guess you could get a forensic person to be like, well, yours is a cutco knife and yours is a rated edge. Scott, you called it. Really? Everyone survived, Gonzalez added. Sure. The brother, Manuel Alfredo Gutierrez arrested he did the three charges of aggravated

assault he must have stabbed everybody and himself no because he only got three charges right so someone else got him you can get charged for stabbing yourself yes yeah you probably can three charges we'll get out of here on this. Dan, I want there to be a Black Eyed Peas song about this. Tonight's going to be a knife night. Tonight's going to be a knife fight. Yeah, that's pretty good. All right. Here, we'll leave it real quick.

How old do you think Manny Gutierrez is? A man who's been three counts of stabbing. He came home drunk. He came home drunk. He started this knife fight. He came home drunk. Him and his sister, I assume all, they both live still with his parents. Adults live in.

Everyone grabbed a knife, which means they either had one or they're hidden around the house. Or they knew where to get one. I'm going to take a stab in the dark. Okay. At Sklar Brothers. I'm going to say 21 years old. Okay. Ooh, he's.

Freshly minted adult. I have a feeling I know where Scott's going to go with this, but. If he's drunk, you also got a factor and he's drunk and getting home at 10.50 ish. 21. That's when the call happens. 21. I'm gonna go with probably the amount of dresses in my favorite film

when I see it twice and I'm gonna say 54. Oh. So you're saying the parents are like 78. Yeah. These adult children are For some reason them being 78 makes me think So you're saying the parents are like 78. And these adult children are so little. For some reason, them being 78 makes me think they challenged him.

Stab me, motherfucker. Let's do this. Let's go. They're more grizzled. I'm ready to see God in the air these days. That's so funny. I'm going to say 33. OK, 33, the year of our Lord.

Manny, Alfredo, Gutierrez. Gutierrez. M-A-G. Also, Scott, thanks year of our Lord. Manny? Alfredo? Gutierrez. Gutierrez. MAG. Also, Scott, thanks for coming by. Thank you, Scott. Great to see you. Everybody should go.

Comedy Bang Bang, the podcast, the book. Pick it up. Okay. He is 25 years old. 25-year-olds out there doing terrible things. Yeah, 25 on a lot of these things there you go guys that is the show thank you Scott Aukerman

we love you buddy and thanks guys great to see you we gotta get back to work guys bye bye stick around look us down

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