Dumb People Town - Scott Aukerman - Too Spicy to Put in Print

Episode Date: January 23, 2018

This week, comedian Scott Aukerman (Comedy Bang! Bang!) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a youtube prankster cements in his head in a microwave. Story #2 features a woman who loves having sex with ghosts. Then in s...

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan. And Dirk, don't be a jerk, cause when the music gets to funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, punk it down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town! Population U. I knew we felt it. We all felt it.

Population Aukerman. We've got Scotty Aux! What? Wait! Scotty Aux from Comedy Bing Bong. Hi, fellas! I'm one of our favorite TV shows from the podcast.

Thank you so much. Originally a live stand-up show. You guys were on the TV show. I love that song. We've been on every incarnation. We were on a live stand-up show. You guys were on the TV show. I love that song. We've been on every incarnation. We were on the live stand-up show, we were on the podcast, and we were on the TV show, and it was one of my favorite things we ever got to do.

We got to meet Schwartzman, Jason Schwartzman, through that process. Yes, you guys were great. You pitched me an idea, and we did the idea. I loved it. It's that simple. It's that, well, you were very gracious in allowing us to do that silly idea,

and I thought it came out really funny and weird. Well, I have some ideas of what to do on your show, and you're not going to like them. No. Why? Jason, walk out. Hear him out. Hear him out.

Daniel Vankirk is here. Hi, Dan. Hi, guys. How are you? We are really good. We're super excited. Apparently, the show that is happening this, when we're recording this,

this Sunday in San Francisco. Yes. Went great. Yeah. I'm sure it did. The one that's in the rear view. Yes. As you were listening to it.

We're recording it. It was amazing. Thank you to everyone who came out for that. And became a part of the show. That's the best part about doing live dumb people town halls. Yes. Is that the people become a part of it from answering the quiz questions. Thank you to everyone who is coming out and then now came out.

Yes. We love it. We love it. Century Boulevard. We love it. You can leave your hat on. We were all singing. You can leave your hat on,

which was, I mean, I guess that's his fetish. I got, I mean, he's sort of giving her permission. It's like permission for her, isn't it? Leave your hat on.

Look, I know this is your stupid thing. Whoa! Jason, we have lost Jason Sklar. Wait, Scott, so she wants to leave her hat on having sex. She constantly says, please allow me to leave my hat on. And he's granting her permission one time. You can leave your hat on. Take off your shoes.

But there is nothing sexier than a woman in a baseball hat. Am I right? I don't think so. I thought she was wearing a cowboy hat. A cowboy hat. A fedora. I thought it was a fedora. Well, I think it's a fedora.

When I waited tables at a place called Cafe Cordial here in the Valley back in the 90s, there was a waitress who, when a band would play on Saturday nights, they would have a Beatles cover band. They'd have all sorts of bands. Occasionally, they would play You Can Leave Your Hat On, and she would grab a fedora and do the Kim Basinger striptease dance. Sexy walk. Yeah.

And she was a little bit older at the time. I don't know. It wasn't very cordial. And she was a server. Yes. She was a server. She put on a little show. She put on a little show.

It was very weird. Ma'am, can we get just a quick top off? We'll just take the chat. And your top off. You can leave your hat on, though. Sir, you're going to have to leave your hat on. Perfect. We are under the thought that the world is getting dumber, Scott.

It's either getting dumber or the dumber is getting louder. And it's more Okay to be dumb I just think that I Would say I would say dumb and smart are Actually now fighting hard and dumb is Winning a lot I remember thinking about This when automated teller machines you Know ATM sure I prefer the lengthened They used to have a button that would

Say withdrawal and now they say, Get cash. That's a great observation. Withdrawal, what does that mean? Yeah, what is a withdrawal? I'm not off of it. Fuck this. I want cash, though.

Get it, then get it, dummy. Just get it. That's a great way to succinctly say where the world is headed. It was withdrawal, and now it says, Get cash. Then it's just going to be a dollar sign. And then. It was withdrawal, and now it says, Get your cash! Then it's just going to be a dollar sign. And then it's going to be a button that says,

What else did you come here for? You wanted... No one's put anything in. Money give. And then just one button that's like, You can leave your hat on! Well, we get... Does she, by the way, does she get naked

from the bottom of her soles up? All the way up, yes. It's like, take get Does she, by the way, does she get naked from the bottom of her soles up? All the way up. Yes. Like, it's like, take off your shoes, now your socks, now whatever anklet you might have. Hold on. You can leave that hat on. Well, no, it's like, wait till you get there. I just would love for her to be like, so I take the hat off, too? Okay, jeggings. Nope. All the way up.

That's the full version of that song. Can I take off my boots? Yes. Oh, yes. What about my socks? Anything below the eyebrows. Yes. Right. You're fine. Once you hit your nuchal crest, everything must stay on.

Nuchal crest. Equal to falcon crest. Such a great show. Such a great show. Nuchal crest. Nuchal folds. Falcon crest. We get our dumb stories submitted to us by our awesome dumb people townies.

Dumb ears on the ground. They're great. And these stories come to Dan. Jay and I don't know them. Right. Scott doesn't know them. So let's jump into one, shall we? Here we go.

Ready? Jump right in. This was sent in by Benjamin at Benjamin G. Main. G. Main. He's the main Benjamin. Sure. Oh, boy. Already a sigh.

This is resting heavy upon your soul, Dan. Already a... A YouTube prankster. Wait, did you say U2 prankster? That would be phenomenal. That's got to be the edge. That's you. It's literally pulling...

I mean, it's just literally pulling pranks on Adam Clayton. Right. Where are my snare screws? That's hilarious. A YouTube prankster. Not a good time for them right now in our world. Oh, no. I love them normally, but these days?

Always. I was like, Logan Paul, you may have gone too far. No. I think. No. I don't know. I'm not ready to condemn far. Nope. I mean, I think. No. I don't know. I don't. I'm not ready to condemn you from standing in front of a hanging Japanese man.

I'm not ready. I think I figured it out. He's still out. Yeah. But if he went back and hung himself, I'm just making sure. How many hits would he get? How many hits would he get? If he went back and said, hey, everyone, and like.

This is my question. As he's standing on the stool. As he's standing on the stool and he's like what's up I'd check out like six seconds of it I'd watch the color run out of his face and I'd be like

I asked my nephews who watch all that stuff because I wanted to find out what is the what's the word going around what's the appeal and because I'm like, they're not comedian. They're not actors. They're not funny to me. You're describing myself.

You're not funny. Scott, listen to me. You're not a comedian nor an actor. Wait, is this an intervention? This is everyone who cares about you. Really? Everybody, come on in. Oh, shit.

Oh, Randy's bringing more. And they said he does crazy stuff and it's funny. And so I think it's literally just kids around the age of like 10 to 13 are constantly told what they can't do. And they're like growing up and wanting freedom yet, but don't have it, can't drive a car. So watching someone who does anything they want to do, as crazy as it is, is that outlet for them?

Like, I wish I could do whatever I wanted and throw a burning couch into a pool at my parents' house. I never thought something would come along to make me say that Jackass had great writing. But here we are. I get it. It's a think piece. Right?

No, I thought Jackass, what they did was they were very good at it. I loved it as well. They were unbelievable at it. It's a think piece compared to my comparison. No, I love it. I thought Jackass, what they did was they were very good at it. Oh, I loved it as well. They were unbelievable at it. But I never thought that it would ever be a higher brow than something else. But you can leave your hat on. Above that. Above that brow. Above that brow.

A YouTube prankster had to be freed by firefighters in an hour-long rescue after he cemented his head inside a microwave. Oh, my God. Let's get this down. So he poured cement in a microwave? Into a microwave. Oh, my God. Wait, where's his head? In the microwave.

Oh, my God. What was up with my voice? Where's his head? You can leave your microwave on. My dad? You can leave your microwave on. My head. You can leave your head on. Yeah. So he poured wet cement into a microwave.

Why a microwave? With his head inside of it. Because it's a perfect head size stand. Perfect size for a head to go in. I never realized that a microwave is the perfect size for a head. Yeah. If you were going to heat up a head quickly. Sure.

Yeah. I mean, if you want to keep it coming in from out of the rain. By the way, there's a lot of times you made the head the night before, and you're like, I just want to reheat it. I just, look, I don't want to put it in the oven at 225 for a slow and low. Did any of you, or any of you have family members who did not want to stand in front of a microwave? I am a person who tells my kids, do not stand in front of the microwave.

This kid went full head. He went literally head first. I'm going in. We didn't turn it on. He didn't turn it on. He didn't turn it on. He didn't turn it on. No, he didn't turn it on, but he did cement his head inside. I feel like either I've talked about this before or we've talked about this story before.

We have not. We have not. We've not done it on the show, but I feel like we've maybe spoken about it. Maybe, yeah. Or I've spoken about the idiocy of this thing. That is one of those moments where people around you should probably step in and be like okay you wait yeah let's talk about this right before you do it because when you do something crazy you find good or bad you find out who your friends are well no so to me it makes his friends

bigger pranksters than him because they're the ones saying do you think he had friends i don't know he's got followers i don't know when i was kid, I was trying to set up a, I used to decorate our house for Halloween. I would, a lot of places in our neighborhood. And not decorate it as with Halloween. No, no, no. I would just do interior decorating. Guys, it's Halloween, guys. We need new window trinkets.

I'm just going to say one word. One poof over here and it changes the whole room. Neutral colors and we can go crazy with the pillows. It's Halloween. I'm glad I brought say one word. One poof over here and it changes the whole room. Neutral colors and we can go crazy with the pillows. It's Halloween. I'm glad I brought this up because this is where you live. This is close to home for you. But I would, a lot of

places in the neighborhood would have people who would try to scare kids. So I got a mannequin's head and I was trying to turn it into a dummy and so i turned it into like a dummy i think that sat in a chair and i drilled a hole in the back and someone had taught me the trick where if you hold up a lighter and some hairspray you can shoot fire and so i i was like hey mom come outside I want to show you this thing that I'm thinking of doing to the kids.

And I did the fire thing, and I expected it to go like a foot, like right, like poof. And it went eight feet out in front and whizzed right by her. And she was like, there is no fucking way you are doing this. How old were you? I think I must, I was too old to go trick-or-treating, so I must have been 14 or something. That is awesome. You know, so I can understand how you get this idea in your head of like, oh, fuck, man, I'm going to pour cement in this microwave. I'm going to put my head in a thing.

And you're just kind of thinking. This is going to be so awesome. You're not thinking about things about like your skin breathing, you know, the oxygen. about like your skin breathing, you know, and all, you know, the oxygen getting in your- Have you ever done like

crazy prosthetics for anything where you have to make a mold of your head? For one of the, no, not the mold of my head, but I had to have the five hours of prosthetics once.

Okay, I did the, because when Jay and I did in the movie- Bubble Boy. Bubble Boy, we were connected at the head, so we had to make a mold

of our heads. Right. So- And you have to breathe through the straw and everything? Breathing through a straw as they, as you feel like like probably what this kid felt like in one moment but you know that there are people there to take it off and it's but it is heavy

world is closing in on you world's closing in on you it's by the way it's so disturbing what if he became a comic and this is like the new generations's unknown comic. I mean, it is. Hey, check it, baby. Remember that poster? DJ Microwave. DJ Microwave. This could be Daft Punk. We don't know.

It could be like a dead mouse sort of a scenario. It's so distressing to me. I can't even imagine being in that situation. How does he call? Do you find a microwave-shaped phone? I don't know. What does he do? The 22-year-old put his head in a plastic bag inside the microwave.

Putting your head in a plastic bag? That right there is enough. That's already a prank. That's a mistake on its own. What if halfway through the story, they're like, a note was left where he said nothing was worth it. They're like, oh, this wasn't a prank. You were trying to kill yourself.

No, it's not that at all. It's lighthearted. It's lighthearted. I'm freaking out right here. It's heavy-headed lighthearted. With a heavy head and a lighthearted. He put his head in a plastic bag inside the microwave. Yeah, you've now double-wrapped your possible death. By the way, if you put cement in it, it's going to close in on the

What is happening right now? He did that with the head in the microwave before friends poured seven bags of- Friends did this to him! These are not friends. These are not friends. These are not friends. These are not friends.

These are frenemies. They poured seven bags of polyfilla? Yeah, that's like- That's the stuff? Quick-drying cement. Yes. Inside the microwave, around his head, inside a plastic bag. Guys, I know we're really upset about this guy, but these guys totally ruined a nice microwave.

That is also true. I mean, I've known people who have died just tripping in their apartment. These guys are, like, tempting it. It's just... It is insane that seven people signed off on it. There wasn't one person. There was one who was like,

should we look up, like, what might happen on the internet here? There isn't one person who was like, guys. Even just a guys in that tone. Guys. Like we're going too far here. That's like the people on YouTube who shot through the book expecting the book to. Yeah, I know.

What a nightmare. The group had intended to use the microwave as a mold, but the man got trapped. You could end it right there. Shocking. His friends tried to rescue him before fire crews were called to Ford House's Wolverhampton to help. This is in England. I'm going to ask you guys right now. Oh, okay.

So, guys, they were completely driving on the other side of the street. Scott, you are a guest, so you can decide. I'm about to ask you guys a trivia question based on this story. I'm about to ask you guys a trivia question based on this story. I'm going to ask you, you can go first, you can go third, or you can go in the Tig Notaro spot, which is second, because she was the first person to say I'd rather

go second. So here's the question. You tell me where you want to answer it. How much time did his friends spend trying to free him before they finally called? You want to go first, third, or take? And is it without going over?

No, no, no. Just closest to you straight up. Yes. I want to go third. Okay. Randy or Jason? I'm going to say 12 hours. 12 hours.

First four hours, they they're like we got this we can get him out next 4 hours I know it's been 3 hours and 23 minutes but we still got this for another 37 minutes this is the craziest guess next 4 hours he's worked it out so much

you are insane next 4 hours I think they're like we can't tell anyone we did this. Because then they're like, who's responsible if he dies? That's after he dies. I know what you did last summer. Last four hours, they're just like, you call. I don't want to call.

You call. Before you give your final, we can stick to 12 because it doesn't make a difference. It might help your answer. I want to say this. The man was able to breathe with the help of an air tube the group had managed to feed through to him. So he did not start with one. They did not start with one. They got one through there

and so he was breathing. That's 12 hours. That is crazy. That might help 12 hours. Ox is going last. I'm going to say three hours. And use a similar thing that like, because you think an hour of trying to get it out is a lot. The second hour, I think.

All right. Okay. Well, I mean. How much time? Originally. What did your gut say? I should say two hours and 59 seconds. 59 minutes.

59 minutes. Well, or. Yeah, either one. It wouldn't matter. Two hours. What was your gut? But part of me... My gut was...

Because this is a trivia question and it survives on exaggeration... Sure. I would say like 20 minutes would be the norm. So for comedic effect, two hours. Okay. But you know what? I'm going to go three hours and one minute

just for the exaggeration factor. There you go. All right, fine. So anywhere between three hours and one minute just for the exaggeration factor. There you go. All right, fine. So anywhere between three hours and one minute and seven hours. And 12 hours. You don't even remember. You're trying to whittle it down already. Yeah, eight hours.

No, we have you on tape. The amount of time his friends spent probably laughing, then trying, then finally calling EMTs was 90 minutes. Oh, yeah. Which, in a vacuum, still reading this, is way too long. Way too long. I feel like we all got fucked up by you saying 12 hours. I mean, that was crazy.

Jay, you pulled this way. Oh, I'm sorry. Did I underestimate how smart these people are based on all the things we know about them up to this point? I think if we were in a realistic world, the first person would have said two hours. The next person would have said 20 minutes. Here's the difference is they called them in 90 minutes

and the fire department came over 10 and a half hours later. So it was a full 12 hours before. If I were in the fire department and I heard the scenario, I'd be like, yeah, we're shooting a calendar first. And then we'll get there. That's exactly what I thought. The cops would be like, yeah, we're shooting a calendar first, and then we'll get there. That's exactly what I thought. The cops would be like, you did what? To yourself, because you thought it'd be funny.

Does he have a breathing tube? Does he have a breathing tube? We'll see in a little bit. We'll see you tomorrow. I think if the breathing tube, so he's got a plastic bag, do they poke it through the bag into his mouth? I'm sure what they did was try to figure out where his mouth was. How long? Was it quick dry to figure out where his mouth was. And you can't drill. How long?

Was it quick dry? Yeah. I think it was. Here's my question. How do they get him out? How did the fire department then get him out? I don't know. But you got to remember, too, he can't.

They must totally drill. Yeah. They got to saw some sort of stuff. Talk inside. So he can't even be like, guys, guys. He can't be like, ow, ow, ow, ow. He's like, yes. He's like trying to get people to realize this didn't work.

Drill, touching skull. Drill, touching skull. I can't with this. This is unbelievable. This is everything. I had a dream last night that I drowned, and it woke me up at four in the morning, and I couldn't get back to sleep. This is like-

You had a lights on nightmare where you're going like, we're turning lights on. Yeah. I can't do this anymore. I had a nightmare last night, too, that I was fighting snakes. Big snakes. Like in a boxing ring, though. It was a championship bout. For charity.

No, they were attacking. And I was grabbing them low enough so that their head could still move. And I was squeezing so hard that I was watching the life come out of them. then i'd drop it and then another one would come at me and i couldn't i didn't have enough and i and i died and i died or whatever they got to me and then i woke up you were overcome by them yeah that was the most terrifying thing in my life i can't imagine being awake do you have the drowning dream often or no no i you know what i was dreaming i was in a movie and we were all swimming as part of a scene and then like in the ocean uh no in a sort of like an abyss style movie where we were we were trapped uh in a in a room but there was a hole in the ceiling that we could swim up to to get air and as i was swimming to the hole and i saw others swimming too i was like i

wonder what the safety precautions are on this movie. And then I realized, wait, there aren't any. And then I started drowning. Oh, shit! I can't wait for one of our townies to like, at you guys

about like, a professional dream analysis. It's like, yeah, well, the snakes one. If anyone can analyze these dreams.

All right, so it's not about snakes. Well, any more to this story? The first responders were pissed about having to deal with this. How can you imagine having to deal with it? You're not trained for this.

They wrote on Twitter. They took multiple pictures of this kid that I will show you and wrote on Twitter. They took to Twitter. That should tell you everything. They took to Twitter to take down this YouTube star. We are seriously unimpressed. Great. Mad emoticon.

Great. Five of our firefighters. Coming out hot. Comingimpressed great mad emoticon great five of our firefighters coming out hot coming in hot with the emoticon five of our firefighters were tied up for an hour this afternoon

freeing a YouTube pranker whose head had been cemented inside a microwave oven and then they wrote we read more they are

then watch commander Sean Dakin or Dakin said as funny as this sounds the young man could easily have suffocated or have been seriously injured Read more. They are. Then watch commander Sean Dakin said, as funny as this sounds, the young man could easily have suffocated or have been seriously injured.

No shit. I can't believe he's not dead. I mean. Wait, what's funny? As funny as it sounds that he could have suffocated. There's nothing that's funny about that. This is their tweet. And then they have multiple photos.

They had to call another. Fire department. Yes, because a microwave is welded together they could not get it off of his head. So they then had to FaceTime with another emergency microwave maker.

Yeah, exactly. And then they had to walk them through it. They had to call the microwave repair guy. He gave them a window. Between 12 and 6 Wednesday. What? him a window. Between 12 and 6 Wednesday. What? I can Skype you between 12 and 6 on Monday. So then they had to walk through. That crew answered like, what do you got?

They're like, well, look at this dipshit. And then once they get the microwave off, then it's the cement. You got to cut through the cement. What was he thinking he was going to do? What's the exit plan? What is the joke? It's right. Originally, that they just didn't think of something.

There is no exit plan. You cemented your head in there. What were they originally thinking? I wonder if it was like, I'll have this plastic bag around my head, I can easily just... Yeah, I'll have a cement head for a second, and then you guys break it off of me?

Maybe. I don't know. I bet he thought, I'll run into that wall, and it'll all just break apart. Which would still then send broken

cement into your skull. Fucking. Imbecile. This is when you realize that the frontal lobe isn't fully developed until 23.

Is it 23 you think? It's like early 20s. It's kind of like they try and coincide it with the age you can be to rent a car. Taking the microwave

apart was tricky because a lot of it was welded. This is what Sean Dakin said. We video called our technical rescue colleagues for advice and eventually managed to get him unstuck. Well, these guys are heroes. I mean, if I were this YouTube prankster guy, I would owe them my life. Yes, you literally owe them your life.

Okay, what's his next prank? Yeah, I got to tune into this guy's channel. He sounds funny. He wins. He ends up winning on this. Stop it, stop it. To me, I feel like... Is that why you're not saying his name?

It doesn't say his name. Yeah, because they don't want to give him anything. Say his name. Say my name. To me, this is like the disaster artist. Great? Yeah, amazing. I did like the disaster artist. Great? Yeah. Amazing.

I did love the disaster artist. But the idea that the guy who made The Room is Tommy Bahama is standing on stage at the Golden Globe. What if Tommy Bahama made The Room? That would be the greatest. Like just made a shout for shout remake. But all wearing Hawaiian shirts. All wearing shirts. There's like 12 parrots in the corner.

Jay and I believe that there is someone who works in quality control at Thai Bahama who his job is just to look at a shirt and say, not enough parrots.

Not enough. Not enough parrots. I need another parrot on there. Put it back on the line. This shirt is seriously parrot deficient. PD. But that he stood on stage

and said, it was all because of what i did that i that this is all happening because and he's right on some level on some level he's like he created he created a thing that transcended or went into the zeitgeist all you had to do was almost die and not have friends who could help him that's it or did help him almost die oh yeah they did help him almost i want i want interviews with the friends about how shaken up they are and how this has made them mature in a way that they never expected. I guarantee you none of them have grown at all, and they would do it again like next week.

That's how dumb they are. The great thing about our dumb people townies on our Facebook page is they'll often find additional content about these stories. Please bring it forward in the Facebook page. And then you guys sift through it and see what's worth it. And then send it to you. And then send it to you. Of course.

Get it out there. To friends and friends. Just, you know, really curate it for me if you could. I will never go use a microwave ever again without thinking of this kid. How do you like that? Yeah. I'll probably use one tomorrow. I'm fine.

Stick your head in it. I'm not going to. I use one three times a day. I'm not going to think about this kid. I will be thinking about this kid. All right. That's story one, guys. Story one. Down in the books.

Scott Aukerman is here. Follow him on Twitter. He's a great follow on Twitter. He is. He's a great follow. And subscribe to his podcast. Comedy Bang Bang. Comedy Bang Bang.

And watch the TV show. All that good stuff. We'll get into it. Yes. We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We have Scott Aukerman

with us. It's such a joy. Hello, United States of America and beyond. You know, we're doing a live Dumb People Town.

We mentioned the one that we just did in San Francisco. We got another one coming up at the Bell House in Brooklyn on February 25th. Yep, it's going to be great. It's going to be really good.

The first one I think is close to being sold out. Close to being sold out. I'm going to be great. It's going to be really good. The first one, I think, is close to being sold out. Close to being sold out. I'm going to be optimistic and say there'll be a second show that night. I hope there will be. Me too. But how fun.

I remember when you did a whole, and there was a whole, I think it was a Howl series, was the live show. The live tour. Yeah, we did that a couple years in a row. Unbelievable. How fun was it to do Comedy Bing Bong Live?

It was really fun. The people that we did it with, it was Paul F. Unbelievable. How fun was it to do Comedy Bing Bong Live? It was really fun. The people that we did it with, it was Paul F. Tompkins, Lauren Lapkus, and myself for all of it. And then Neil Campbell did part of it. And Mike Hanford did part of it. And then John Gabrus went to England with us. We went to Australia and Canada. And it was super fun hanging out with everyone.

And you get into this weird groove where you're doing it every day. And you wake up in the morning at whatever time it takes you to get to wherever you're going. And then you arrive and you sleep for 45 minutes. Once you're in the hotel, you wake up again and do the show and then go to bed. But it was so, so fun. I would love to do it again. I mean, I'd love to do it every year. But, you know, life gets in the way.

And life finds a way. Yes, life finds a way to get in the way and then leave your hat on uh no but you and lapkus and pft three guests in the podcast world and just people in the podcast world that generates so much we had lapkus on this show we have pft on this show and the response from they were so excited to see there's a lot of goodwill out there yeah and it was so fun because those two people i i don't know that we could ever do it again i mean we all want we all talk about it like oh we got to do that again it was so much fun but i knew it was a special time when i think we all just had it free and i don't know that we could ever get it together again but it was so much fun.

It is a comment on your success. Can people still hear those episodes? They're all on Howl or Stitcher Premium. We would release them the day after it aired. And we did that for the entire tour. So it's like people could follow you on the tour. It was like they were following us. It was so fun. And also forced you to do a different,

obviously a lot of it's improvised and we know that. But we could never rely, the fact that it's taped, when I used to do the tour, I would do like 25 minutes to 45 minutes sometimes of solo material. Really? And then I kind of figured no one was coming for that. So I just like dropped it on the last tour.

But because it's taped, you can't repeat anything. So we did, I think we did maybe throughout the world, 50 shows or something. All of them. Completely original. And they're all, you know,

at least an hour and 15 minutes longer to two hours, you know, and they're all totally, totally different. That's amazing. It really keeps you

on your toes having to do it. That's amazing. You are one of the best improvisers of those three people. Wait, of those three people. Of those three people. A lot of qualifiers here. one of the best improvisers of those three people of those wait of those three those three people a lot of qualifiers here one of the best three top three people on that tour when you guys were in australia one of the best no literally one i'll

take it though all right well check that out and as you check when you were when you were talking you were the best one who was talking at that moment. Yes. And I feel like that's – Thank you. I don't throw that around. I don't think people understand how much – there was so much great improvisation on the show. On the TV show. On the TV show. If you get the DVDs, we made DVDs for the first three seasons.

We put in a lot of the improv that we would cut out. So with every celebrity who would come on, we would do 25 to 45 minutes of improv with them. And you guys were there for Schwartzman, right? Yeah, you very generously allowed us. We didn't know kind of when we could come in. Oh, yeah, and it was always like, please, as much as you want, please,

because we're just like searching for stuff to do. But yeah, we would cut it down to five minutes or something by the way that must have been really hard and you must have really trusted your editors those guys were great they would send me their version of it first and you'd be like wait wasn't there this run that we did occasionally they would occasionally you would say hey for whatever weird reason this isn't working let's go back and look at the whole thing and then i would sit there and take notes. But that was only one out of four episodes. You say that once in a while and then you'd

say clean out your desk. One out of four editors I would say clean out your desk. But that wasn't an attempt to fire them. They were just really messy. It's like, come on guys, clean up your workspace. Throw all of that away but you know what I'm going to tell you that you can do. There is one thing you can

do though once you're cleaning out your desk.'re editing yeah it was so fun i got i got into a groove doing so many episodes where like comedy editing video editing i got super good out of like watching one thing and going okay here are the funny lines these these these these and let's stitch them together that's phenomenal and they were stitched, all the stuff with Bobby Monahan. That was so funny. Oh my God. It's a great show. I wish more people would watch the show.

It's all on Netflix if you're in the United States. It is such a good watch. Catch up, watch it, you will love it. It is like the perfect bite-sized comedy. It was like the exact thing I wanted.

I'm like, especially late at night, I'm like, I want 22 minutes of just- It moves really fast. You turn your brain off, but you laugh nonstop. No, no. You turn your brain off because it's inside of-

It's totally stupid. Yeah, no. You turn your brain off. It's worthless. Don't think. Take your pants down. And just enjoy it. Leave your hat on.

Put your head in the microwave. Turn your brain off. No, I'm comparing it. I'm saying it's the kind of thing that you're like, I want to just like, not turn your brain off. You're just like, I'm going to just flat out. I'm in your hands. I will say I haven't watched them since we did them.

And on Christmas Eve, I was like, I put on Twitter, hey, we made three Christmas specials. And I was like, let me watch one of these. And I watched two of the three. And I was like, I me watch one of these. And I watched two of the three. And I was like, I haven't watched them since they came out. And they're funny. And they're funny. You just sit there and turn your brain off.

Because when you're in it, you're pouring over every little moment and every joke. And then if you forget about it for a while, sometimes we get that way with cheap seats. We'll see an old little snippet. Of which you were great on that. Thank you. World Canadian Hugging Championships. With my Hulk costume underneath my shirt. Yeah, it was ridiculous.

Two hugs. The hug when his hug hits mine and when his hug hits the ground. Very fun. Thank you for having me on. That was great. All right, Dan. We got another story?

All right, here we go. Sent in by Justin Young at JerkStore83. Love it. It's a good handle. I don't know. Dollar soda jerk. I'm not into it.

A woman in Bristol, England. It's not having it. It's not having it. It's not having it. First of all, there are already 83 other jerk stores. Yes. And I say 83 because the original jerk store. Right. And then jerk store one.

Right. Exactly. Get in line. Get in line. And jerk store junior. Yeah, that's true. Which, by the way, huge fan of jerk store junior. Yeah. No, he's one. Right. Exactly. Get in line. Get in line. You know, and then- And jerk store junior. Yeah, that's true. Which, by the way, huge fan of jerk store junior. Yeah.

No, he's great. Yeah. Jerk store cowboy. Like a jerk store junior. I wondered where we would go on that. A woman in Bristol, England really likes- What is up with England? Spirited lovemaking.

Oh, boy. Hey, I'm with her so far. Only ghosts need apply. Oh. Am'm with her. Only ghosts need apply. Oh! Amethyst Realm. I'm gonna say not her birth name. Her Christian name? That is not even her stripper name. Yes. That's too esoteric for a stripper.

Amethyst Realm. What's your birthstone? What dimension do you live in? It's actually quartz and... Amethyst Realm. a spiritual guidance counselor. You're saying realm, right? Realm. Yes.

Great. She's a spiritual guidance counselor, so she helps other people. Says she's had sex with ghosts and she prefers them to men. Okay. Wait, are ghosts genderless? She says men ghosts are just ghosts in general. She prefers them to humans. To humans.

To human men. Human men. Human. Okay. I was just in Palm Springs with my family, and my wife, who's a little hippy-dippy, walked into the Palm Springs Crystal. There was like a crystal store with like all this stuff,

and my oldest daughter bought like a tarot card kit so she could learn how to read tarot cards. That's a proud day for any father. Yeah. I was like, yeah, keep going down this road, honey. That should make sense. And then she did a reading for me today and I was like, God damn it. She's spot on.

Spot on. She has the gift. Spot the fuck on. She has the second sight. She's right. But I was like standing outside with my youngest daughter and we were looking at the pinups of like little flyers for psychic. Oh, I thought you were like pinups like.

Pinups from the 1950s. Like tarot cards centerfolds. It was for all the flyers for people who would do psychic readings and all the things. And she was basically with every person, she was asking me if it was bullshit or not. And I was like, it's total bullshit. I was like, all of this is, but it might not be,

but I think it'll be. You've heard of Ghost Hunter. She's a ghost humper. Hey. Hey. Oh, it's good news talk. Wow.

You talking about Amethyst Broome? She said she had sex with ghosts and prefers them to men. Aye. Realm appeared on the British TV show, ITV, this morning on Thursday to discuss what being ghosted is really like.

Also, what being ghosted is really like. I know. You can hear the tone in the writing. The sing-songy tone of a newscast in England. The first experience was 12 years ago, she said, after she and her then-fiance moved, then-fiance, moved into a new house, and she felt the presence of a strange entity.

Quote, it started as an energy, then became physical, she told hosts Philip Schofield and Holly Willoughby. All I'm hearing in my brain is that ITV this morning could not find a guest. And they're like, I guess we're going to go there. She's been bugging us. She's like, Philip, she's out front every day. Today's the day we invite her in. I'm still thinking about when you said titty

at the end of and titty. I did say it. And titty. This is her quote. There was pressure on my thighs and breath on my neck. I just always felt safe. That's the way to do it.

Is this a Conway Twitty song? I had sex with the ghost. You can feel it. It's difficult to explain. There was a weight and a weightlessness. A physical breath and stroking and the energy as well. She is letting you know. What if you don't want the ghost? That's right.

Is that now? Yeah, that's part of it. I guess it was consensual? I guess. She's saying it is because she's admitting it. But the first time. She didn't ask for it. She didn't ask for it. She. I mean, she's saying it is because she's admitting it. But the first time. She didn't ask for it. She didn't ask for it. She didn't ask for it the first time.

So that is ghost rape. Let's be clear. So one instance of ghost rape, and then the rest are consensual. Yes. That's all she knows. Still a bit of a scratch there. Yeah. Rome said she had an affair with the ghost for three years.

Wow. That is a long relationship while you're engaged to somebody else. I just love that she was like, to her husband, I have to be honest, or fiance, I have to be honest with you.

I've been having this relationship with a ghost. No, here's how it happened. The three-year relationship ended when her human husband came home from work early and saw the shadowy shape of a man through the window.

Okay. I see what's happening. There we go. Say it, Scott, because I'm thinking the same thing. She's boning the neighbor and blames it on a ghost. And now she has to ride this out forever. He's like, really? Go on the news if that's true.

I will. Say it on the news. I will. I will. She's like seven months deep into talking about the ghost she's sleeping with to try and save her impending marriage. She's balls deep into the plumber, and now she's trying to make up a ghost. And she makes him wear a sheet over his head every time they have sex. What the hell did I just see?

A ghost? Was that a KKK member? No. Oh, I saw the shape of a man. You saw him too, babe. You have the sight. No, I'm saying this is a good thing that you could see him. We are now connecting.

Since then, Realm hasn't strayed from the paranormal bond and says she's had sexual encounters with at least... Here we go. How many ghosts do you think Amethyst Realm has said she had sex with? Scott, you can go first. I'm always going to go first. Okay, 12 hours. I'm always going to go third. 12 hours.

But by the way, no, the very key element here is Dan says, how many ghosts does she say she had sex with? Well, I mean, it's not like, I'm not all witness. Well, we can't prove it, but it's like, this is from her brain. Yes, she's an important distinction. Thank you, Randy. Randy would like to listen at home to realize that the thing. This is the actual number of ghosts that she's had sex with.

But Randy wants everybody to realize the things she's saying are the things she thinks. Right. Okay. Guys. Okay. So how many she's had since then, including the first? All in her life. All in company.

These are how many fake ghosts can she be making up to cover for the plumber? Or different experiences. Different ghosts. How many different ghosts can she be making up to cover for the plumber? Or different experiences. Different ghosts. How many different ghosts has she slept with? Now, are we thinking about just all the different kinds of ghosts from Ghostbusters?

Like the crazy one? Yeah, Slimer, Onionhead. Speaking of, Dan Aykroyd got it on with a ghost. That's true. He got a blowjob. Which I thought

in the female reboot they should have rebooted that scene. Exactly. Just going down. Just going down. Just going down the other way. The other way? The other way? Which, what are you doing?

Are you eating ass? Yeah, that's kind of a different. Which way are you going? Taking the sixth train down to Astor Square. God, for Christ's sake. Randy or Jay, who wants to go first? Scott's going third. How many ghosts does Amethyst Rome claim to have had sex with?

I'm going to say- How long ago, by the way, was this? The first one was 12 years ago. 12 years ago was her first experience. Okay, okay. And she had a relationship with- Monogamous for three. Also, the ghosts start talking to each other, and they're like, she's ready.

She's ready. All you got to do is breathe on her neck. Well, I mean, make sure that she's- And put some pressure on her thighs. Everybody's consenting, as long as they're all consenting. This is, in this post-MeToo movement, this is making me very uncomfortable. It shouldn't.

It shouldn't. She was into it. She's saying everybody's into it. I'm going to say 17 partners. 17 from Randy Sklar, Jason Sklar. Including, including the actual Patrick Swayze. Oh, that's great. As a ghost.

Which we've always said. That's ironic. If they reboot Ghost, he should come back and play as the ghost. Thank you. I wouldn't turn around Ghost Patrick Swayze. So what was your guess? 17. Not too many.

I'm going to say nine. Too many. I'm getting conservative now. Oh, God. Okay, this is so much lower than what I was thinking. I'll say 18, definitely, because I'm thinking 100. Okay. All right, here we go.

Nine. Amethyst Rome claims in the past 12 years to have had sex with 20 ghosts. Oh! Very close. Wow. You guys were closer than I would have been. And a round number. I was going to do a Jason.

47 and be like 120? But 20 is a very round number, like not a good liar. It's almost, plus it's almost too small. Like, it's almost too believable. It's either too small or too big. Like, if you're going to go small and say, look, I've been with a ghost

every three years for three years, then you say four. It's almost like regular sexual partners in a way. It's almost like it's kind of realistic. And she's like,

I'm not proud of it. Yeah. Well, you ready for the story to go to the next level? Oh, wow. To hell? Now, Amethyst Rome wants to get pregnant by one of the ghosts. All right.

Don't you think? All right. Well, this is my issue. If a ghost is having sex and comes on her chest, wouldn't it sink into her body? Yeah, it goes right to it. Does he have to come on top of her vagina and then let it sink down? How good is he at moving the penny?

I don't know. That's a good point. Anywhere you put it, it's going to get into the system and start working. Well, this is Amethyst. I've done a bit of research into phantom pregnancies. There's a possibility that it is a... Doesn't that mean something else, phantom pregnancies?

Phantom pregnancies. Like it's an actual medical term? Yes. Wasn't there a whole show? You think you're pregnant and it's- I didn't know I was pregnant, and then there's the sister show. I thought I was pregnant. She's just Googling phantom plus pregnancy.

Almost as good as Phantom Menace. Right. There's a possibility that it is a ghost in you, but people don't know how to carry it to full term, which is, I guess, sad, I guess, if you feel happy. My guess. I'm the ghost in you. Look. She's all right.

The basic thing is she wants to have a baby with somebody that she's not supposed to have. Dan, you're right. She's carrying this lie to the nth degree just so she can cover it. You're saying that was a guy her fiance saw. It totally was a guy. Probably a guy he knows. And she's just in too deep on this lie. She's now, she's done ITV interviews. She's walking

around with like an empty pram being like, can you see the baby? Are the other 19 fake too or is she just exaggerating in order to make it sound? I think now she's so, this is like a break so far this is a breaking bad situation she's a lot like when i drew dots on my face when i was eight yeah to say you had to say i had chicken pox and forgot about it and so when my my mom

or when my mom at breakfast was like what's on your head i literally didn't or what's on your face i didn't know what she was talking about i was like i don't know i have no it was so believable i sold it so much you much that she took me to the doctor, and he took one look at me and took out like a scrub brush and wiped him off. You took it all the way to the doctor's office with your mom? Because the first time I was like, I just thought it would be funny or whatever to like show up at breakfast like, ah, look, I have chicken bucket. I love that you were doing bits as an eight-year-old.

But then I forgot it, and I knew I would be in trouble if i said it was me scott based on that story and the flamethrower you built for the halloween yeah you were a fun kid you were a fun kid not really you provided a lot of i mean i can't i got a lot of imagination yeah yeah but i took that all the way like they thought my brother did it for years really yeah for intel until maybe i was 25 or something i finally admitted it oh my god you're a fun adult uh and then at what time when did you tell your parents you were having a relationship with a ghost still have it under this room it took ghosting to another level amethyst Realm isn't the first person to claim to have gotten down with a ghost. Singers Bobby Brown and Kesha also say they've had supernatural sex sessions.

That is crack. That's the crack talk. That is the crack talk. Not from Kesha, though. Not from Kesha. I mean. Ghost researcher. It is his prerogative.

Whatever he wants to do. Whatever. It's the way he wants to live. He can do what he wants to do. He can do what he wants to do. Whatever. It's the way he wants to live. He can do what he wants to do. He can do what he wants to do. Ghost researcher. And then he did the song from Ghostbusters 2. Did he really?

Yes. Oh, my God. It's all coming together. Holy shit. Bobby Brown did the song. We had the Ghostbusters and we're in control. Uh-huh. Probably the.

I bet that was the time. I bet when he was recording that, he's like, I bet this is real. I would say that's the second best or maybe third best song that has the word Ghostbusters in the lyrics. Third? Ray Parker Jr. Yeah. Number one.

Ray Parker Jr. is number one with a bun. Then the busboys cleaning up the town. Yeah. That's number two probably. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. Because the busboys did the boys are back in town.

Wasn't that them? Yeah, but they did Clean Up the Town, where it was like, The Ghostbusters came in, cleaning up the town. Yes. That's definitely number two. Yeah, that's number two. Ghost researcher Alexandra Holzer says, Those who have reported getting erotic with an apparition describe it as heavy but not so hot.

The people who report having sex with a ghost report feeling pressure on them and even penetration, but ghosts don't have warmth, she told Huffington Post. When they're in the room, it's a very cold environment. So not fun sex. Probably just like with her fiance. However,

psychotherapist Tina, and I can't even try, Rad Zizuskiewicz, I lived in Chicago long ago. She had it. You nailed it. She had a comment of two words. They're crazy. Said it's very possible that ghost sexual encounters are actually a type of hallucination that occurs during the transition between wakefulness and sleep. Okay, so she's blaming it on like a dream.

This is a dream that you've had. That'd be like me walking around saying I strangled snakes. Snakes last night. I strangled snakes for a living. I like grabbing them by the bottom. And I like to feel their face getting close to me and I squeeze the life out of them. What'd you do last night, Scott? I was filming a movie.

What movie? I was swimming around. Oh, that's amazing. No, I'm a movie star. So it was a night shoot, overnight shoot. I don't understand how you're here today because you said last night you actually died. I drowned to death last night. Don't argue with me on this. I died.

That's story two, guys. That's story two down the books. Scott Ackerman, by the way, is going to be promoting his new drowning movie on ITV. We have an interview tomorrow. Oh, definitely. I'll be there. All right, story two down the books. We only have one more to go. Dan, what are we looking at? Give a little tease, a little taste.

Someone asked a pizza delivery person for a special gift, and they got exactly what they asked for. Someone asked a pizza delivery person for a special gift, and they got exactly what they asked for. Actually, they would say asked a delivery person for a special gift,

and that pizza guy delivered. Ah, yes. Very good. And it looks like both. In 30 minutes or less. And it looks like both customer and pizza guy both got a tip. What? He stuck his dick through the bottom. Is that what we're talking about?

That's our time. All right. We'll get on the other side of this. Dumb people down. Stay with us. All right, guys. Welcome back to the show. As we mentioned earlier on the show if you want

to see what these dumb people look like and you want to be part of our facebook community it is awesome so much fun and some of the people we talk about these stories join the facebook community and it makes it even funnier you guys really we'll be having i'm sorry we just had a great update from jan falato at our live one so wait for that it's gonna be on a couple weeks but yeah the best is when people actually get involved okay so these stories involve people and there are people who were in these stories

who now comment on the Facebook page and have become like part of the community Amethyst if you're out there if you're out there girl we want to hear from you don't ghost us

so yeah and we also want to mention that we are connecting with our buddy Josh Sneed who runs the site Fluffy Crate where we are going to make the t-shirts

and the pins and all that stuff available to you guys in case you're not able to make it to a live show but we will bring all these things to our live shows

in Brooklyn and of course we just did it and be on the lookout for the mini episode this week which will drop on Friday we are going to start

dropping mini episodes we should have gotten the last one already Minisodes Minisodes every Friday just one story with a little snack

one story on Fridays for you guys. Are you ready? Let's do one Bring us home, Ackerman. Bring us home. Oh boy, here we go. This was sent in by Liz H at Lizashiz. Thanks, Liz. Stafford, Virginia. Somewhere Snoop Dogg just like

died a little. Just a little. They literally started the sentence. Hey, everyone dies every single second. I know. I was just saying that somewhere someone who gets that. Somewhere he inched a little. Everyone dies a little every day. I know. I was just saying that somewhere, someone who gets that somewhere he inched a little bit closer to death. I just died a little in my mouth. I wish I could hand you my computer to read this Scott Aukerman because it could not be

written more sing-songy. Oh boy. Here we go. Pizza, a comfort food known to bring a smile to your face, but it did the opposite bring a smile to your face, but it did the opposite for a Stanford, Virginia mother. Brought a frown to her feet? Yep.

It brought a face to her smile. Oh, okay. Is pizza the thing that brings a smile to your face? No, pizza is the thing that you eat and then four minutes later you go, why did I do that? Why did I have so much of it? No, but at what age does that turn a corner? That's got to be like 27? 27, 28. I've started making a habit of showing up to get-togethers.

When they say bring something, I bring two frozen pizzas. You just bring frozen pizzas? Because at some point they can be thrown in the oven or they can keep them for as long as they want. Or someone's got it. Yeah. We'll do it, Totino's. Tell Jeff to get his head out of there. We've got to put this DiGiorno in there.

They say in this article, quote, we're not showing her face or using her name because she says she's being cyberbullied. I don't know why or how based off what you're going to hear, but I hope that's not true because people should know. For those who are cyberbullied. Fuck it. I'll cyberbully her. Don't do it.

Hey, hey. I don't care. I don't give a shit. I'll cyberbully her. Don't do it. I don't care. I don't give a shit. I'll cyberbully her. Come on, man. This isn't like a skull that you're trying to shoot fire through. Quote, my son ordered a pizza online and under the special instructions. This is from Pizza Hut.

My son ordered a pizza from Pizza Hut online and under the special instructions, he requested a joke. What? Do you want any special instructions? What an asshole. I would like a joke. What? Do you want any special instructions? I would like a joke. I don't like the kid. I don't like the kid. The kid's asking for too much. Because you don't go to Pizza Hut for the jokes. If he would have said, I want a plastic pitcher of cold Coca-Cola,

then alright, you've come to the right place. But you can't put that in the special request. You've got to pay for that. I know, but a special request? What did you put in the special request? Can I have five more pizzas? No. They're like, well, it's in there.

We've got to do it. These are pizzas, not wishes. I want one of those big blades they use to cut the pizzas so fast. I want one of those for my personal use. Yes.

Oh, yes. Great. You would, honestly, you would chop off your head. You would be on this show next week. Okay, why isn't that used in more murders?

Yeah. The Pizza Hut cutter thing? Yeah, the Pizza Hut pizza cutter thing. Make it. You be the change you want to see in the world, Randy. I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be that used in more murders? Yeah. The Pizza Hut Peter's Cutter thing. You be the change you want to see in the world, Randy. I don't want to be that person. I really don't. My quote, oh, she said my son ordered a special. An innocent order

her 12 and 15 year olds have done in the past. A worker at the Pizza Hut on Jefferson Davis Highway, someone find it for that dumb people town walking tour. Find it, walking tour is happening. Cooked up exactly what they ordered. Oh, God. Oh, shut up.

The problem was their pizza arrived a little too spicy for the mom's taste. There's the joke. Is that the joke? So on the pizza box. I thought there would just be a pile of dog shit in the box. Ready? I'm going to show you. What do pizza delivery drivers and gynecologists have in common? What do pizza drivers and gynecologists have in common what do pizza

drivers and gynecologists have in common they both use their power they both deliver if you spread no i wanted to see if you guys if you uh fingers just uh my uh just a little pressure just uh this is to be slightly cold. This is going to hurt you more than it's going to hurt me. It's going to be slightly cold. That's better than the punchline. Okay, so what do pizza delivery drivers and a gynecologist have in common? They both don't get the respect they deserve.

It's fun to stay in and eat out. It's fun to stay in and eat out. Also, I'm going to tell you this. We are not endorsing this joke. It is not how we feel. It's so much fun trying to figure out what this joke is. Bad joke punchline is. Circular.

Okay. The ad joke punchline is... Circular... Okay. They wrote in the article, the punchline is too spicy to put in print or on television. They both... So what? Don't...

Did you look it up, though? Yeah, I looked it up. Of course I did. Yeah, they blur it out. What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? They both know how to spot chlamydia. Is the gynecologist, that's your OBGYN too? Or are those different things?

I'm sorry for everybody who thinks I'm an OBGYN. They both have been shot at on the job. Like your gynecologist wouldn't deliver your baby, would they? No. Yeah. No. Four white dudes. Four straight white dudes.

No. OBGYN delivers your baby. The gynecologist just checks to make sure everything's working. I apologize for any person, man or woman. A gynecologist is your ongoing doctor. Yelling at their phone. And your OBGYN is who you start to see as your pregnancy progresses. As you're getting ready to ask the prayer after you get pregnant.

Okay. Most people don't like angiogies. Scott, good for you. I'm glad you're still on pass. Proud of you. What do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common? Because do they enjoy their job? No matter how you slice it, they both work.

Nope, you're already. That's at S.C.L.A.R., brother. They both work best when things are kind of hot. They know how to put things in the box. They know how to put it in a box. Put it in a box. They work best. Everything they work with comes in a box.

Does it come 30 minutes or less? That's horrible, too. You ready for the real one? Okay, what's the real one? The joke reads inside the box. Again, I'll read it. By the way, this has been so much fun. We could have had an entire podcast.

Find the punchline. Find the punchline. Find the punchline is the best. And by the way, I want people on the Facebook page to write their own punchline. Because they've thought of one too. You've thought of one. There's at least some townies out there who have had to have heard this joke. I'm sure.

We just haven't heard it. From the worst guy in their office. No one's happy if there's too much hair in it. Oh, Jesus. Jason Sklar. Neither person likes to bring their... Can you imagine shaving a pizza with like a razor it's just like tomato sauce and bread he's like i need this little trim

uh no give me the brazilian cut neither one of them likes to bring their work home with them okay what do a pizza delivery driver and a gynecologist have in common here is the official horrible punchline. They both have to smell it, but neither of them get to eat it. Isn't it that horrible? So many things we said were funnier and better. That is horrible. Ackerman had three better jokes than that.

No, but it makes sense. I'm on board. I like it. I mean, look. It would, no, but it makes sense. It does. I'm on board. I like it. I mean, look. It would be torture being a gynecologist. By the way, if I were the 12-year-old kid who requests a joke, I'd be like, when's the joke coming? Yeah.

This is just facts. Yeah, it feels less like a funny joke. The mother said, quote of the truth. I was really shocked and floored that Pizza Hut would send out this type of joke. Yeah, as though the Pizza Hut Corporation, this is the truth. I was really shocked and floored that Pizza Hut would send out this type of joke. As though this is a Pizza Hut corporation. This is the official. By the way, you ran it up the ladder and this is what we came up with. You have a 12 and 15-year-old boy.

God knows how much masturbation happened between the time that the pizza was ordered. It was ordered and delivered. The stuff they are looking at is so much more hardcore than this. And I'm going to say this. You're ordering from Pizza Hut. You should already be in that moment where you're like, anything can happen. Go to Damiano's at least. Domino's.

Yeah. Did I just make up a pizza name? Damiano's. Slightly different from Domino's. Damiano's is a place. Or go to Piazza Hut. You be careful. In New York City, both of those places exist.

They probably are slightly like... Go to Little Kaysers. Little Cesar. Yay! The funny thing is... Happy a Johannes. We have this happen a lot in Dumb People Town. Happy Johannes.

We have this happen a lot in Dumb People Town where a big company will have one of their employees do something wrong and then people condemn the entire company. The entire corporation. It's just some dummy. This dumb idiot did this. That's like when someone says to someone, someone's in a movie and they make, or on a TV show and they make like a, it's like. Yeah, they condemn the whole network even. Or they'll condemn that actor who's saying it and they're like, no, no, no, people wrote. I remember when I worked at Marie Callender's when I was 18 years old in La Mirada. We had these shamrocks that people could buy for a dollar, and if you bought it, it would benefit muscular dystrophy or something.

And then they would write their name on it, and we put them all up all around the restaurant. And we thought it was really funny. We put Adolf Hitler on one and put it up and that's another example of this where like people were condemning marie calendars it was like it was no we were just 18 and dumb yeah think of who is delivering pizza i mean it is a job that you give to delivery driver might not even know the person who preps the pizza for the delivery and by the way you asked for a joke. Yes. Like this is already extra.

Right. You know, it's like you can't complain. You're actually getting great service. You're getting amazing service. Did you request a great joke? No. No.

You said I would like a joke. Did you say, can I get a joke for my children? No. You said a joke. A joke. And plus, like if I'm 18 years old and I read this and it's like a woman's account, I'm thinking,

this is sexy time. This is like prelude to sexy time. Let me write something. Let me show you what I can do. Let me show you what I'm all about. There we go. And by the way, it is a guy who works at a pizza. It's not like it's coming from Cory Booker.

It could have been a guy or a woman at a pizza. It's a guy who works at a pizza. It could have been a girl who works at a pizza. It could have been a woman at a pizza. For the record, I want to say this story is in here not because the Pizza Hut are dumb people, although that's not a great joke. The mom who got what she wanted and then...

I would say in every sense of the word, Pizza Hut delivered. Pizza Hut delivered. She goes, I was really shocked and floored that Pizza Hut would send out this type of joke. The employee even called the mom. The employee even called, and I told her. What did you think of my joke? It was a girl.

It was a girl. And I told her that I hope she doesn't lose her job over this. And then I immediately called the newspaper? Right. But the worker did lose her job. Of course she did. Mom posted a pic of the box on social media talking about her disgust

so this woman this happened to her her kids saw oh I hope you don't lose your job she went on Facebook bitched it went viral

and then she was like she probably tried to walk it back but now it's like Pete says well we know our employee did this so she's fired

yeah of course this is an unfortunate situation all the way around was she really that offended you know what I'm saying like if you have an 8-year-old kid and something super offensive to you.

All joking aside, no, it's inappropriate to send. Sure. But there's no way you're upset by it. And do I want her fired? Yes. But look. Do I want her paying for this for the next several years? Yes.

Do I wish her name was out there so I could cyber bully her? Yes. Yes. These are all things we want to happen. Well, the mom is getting a lot of backlash now on Facebook. I'm sure she is. Quote, this is one of the posts that read, quote, I hope you see it in that big black heart of yours to call back and explain that you aren't upset.

Days before Christmas, you got someone fired. This is before Christmas? Yes, right. This was right before Christmas. I mean, why not make it a Christmas theme joke? Like throw Santa in before Christmas. Yes, right. This was right before Christmas. I mean, why not make it a Christmas themed joke? Like throw Santa in the mix. Exactly. What does Santa, a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy have in common?

Sure. They can all smell it, but they can't eat it. Unless it's cookies and milk. All three of them can eat as much cookies and milk as they want. They come to your house in the middle of the night. They all come to your house in the middle of the night. What if when someone delivered you a pizza, you had to give them cookies and milk as they want. They come to your house in the middle of the night. They all come to your house in the middle of the night. What if when someone delivered you a pizza, you had to give them cookies and milk in addition to paying for the pizza?

I got it. What do Santa Claus, a gynecologist, and a pizza delivery guy do? They all come to your house in the middle of the night and touch your vagina. If it was just customary, after just a little pressure, just my cold fingers, you then presented him or her with a plate of cookies and cold milk. I'd be down for that. Yeah, I would do it what does a pizza delivery guy Santa Claus

and a gynecologist that was wild what do they have crazy stuff what do they have in common that's a pizza delivery guy two out of the three of them

are allowed to touch your vagina if Johnny Carson had done this in car neck style he would just go they can smell it but they cannot

oh no would it have been the backwards way yeah yeah you did the right front way they can smell it, but they cannot. Oh, no. Would it have been the backwards way? Yeah, yeah. No, you did the right way. They can smell it, but they cannot eat it. Yes. What does a pizza delivery person and a gynecologist have in common?

They can smell it, but they cannot eat it. This is also the deepest end of an episode you guys have ever gone before getting to your car. Yeah, wow. Congrats. We've been holding it up. We've been holding it up to it. And we have many where it doesn't happen at all. But when it does happen, it's related.

Oh, boy. What a special episode. I wish I could do it. I can't do it up. We're not going to do it. And we have many where it doesn't happen at all. But when it does happen, it's related. Oh, boy. What a special episode. I wish I could do it. I can't do it. I wish I could do it. Listen. The mother's replied to people saying her family asked for the joke and got what they

ordered, which is exactly what happened. True. It's an inappropriate joke. There isn't a time and a place for everything. My pizza box is not one of them. It's a lesson learned. You're the one who asked for your jokes to come with your pizza. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy. D's a lesson learned. You're the one who asked for your jokes to come with your pizza. Dummy. Dummy. Dummy.

ABC is waiting to hear back from Pizza Hut. I hope pizza's like, we're not even... I wonder if they got back to him. I hope they did. I really hope they did. That'd be a happy ending. Here's a dessert pizza from our buffet that's way too hot to eat. And by the way, I wish this story took place in England. Yeah. They all took place in England. Was there no trivia with this?

There was not. No, but the trivia was try guess the joke. That was even better. We did guess the joke, which I could have done a whole thing on. So we talked twice, two stories from England today. Yes. Which is appropriate because we got a- Hello, Governor.

Hello. We have a voicemail today from one of the greatest English, one of the greatest actors of all time, just so happens that he's British. Michael Caine. Michael Caine. Oh my gosh. And Michael Caine was just on British television doing an impression of Michael Caine explaining how people get the impression wrong

he wants to set the Michael Caine impression so we have Michael Caine talking about Michael Caine doing a Michael Caine impression of Michael Caine it's all happening right now check it out you have one new voice message hello boys it's me right now. Check it out. You have one new voice message.

Hello, boys. It's me, Michael Kane, and I'm calling you today because somebody has made it clear to me that there is a video on the internet of your computer screen of me on a chat show, which

as we say in the UK, is what you would call a talk show in America. And I'm on that show, and on that show, somebody asked me about how everyone thinks they can do a Michael Caine impression. And I say,

oh, I could do the Michael Caine impression. And I proceed to go, hello, my name is Michael Caine. So for those of you who are keeping track that is Michael Caine doing an impression of Michael Caine doing an impression of Michael Caine. Alright, so I want you

to go into your bedroom curl up with a blanket put on a fire and wrap your brain around what you just experienced. Kane doing Kane doing Kane. And I want you to sit and watch. Go ahead.

Expose. Yeah, I mean, look, that's how it goes. If anybody can be arrogant about that scenario. Oh, yeah. Do you think Michael Caine can still throw a good punch? Definitely. Do you think Michael Caine? No.

I do. You think he could still throw a punch? Yeah. I think he wears loafers with tassels. Wait, you say this like he used to throw really good punches? Every time I've had him on the Wahlberg Solution, he just talks about fighting people. Throwing a punch. Yeah.

Throwing a punch. To me, I feel like, yeah. And then after he hits you, he says, and that's why the cider house rules. throwing a punch yeah throwing a punch to me I feel like yeah and then he after he hits you he says and that's why the cider house rules boom

fair enough sit him down fun today guys great day today Scotty Ackerman guys thank you so much I love having you you have an open invite

you have an open invite come back whenever Valentine's Day is coming up no not that's too soon that's way too soon too soon no Valentine's Day

by the way, is I want to make this a tradition that you gather around with your family and your kids and your sexual partners and your sexual partners.

Everybody's sitting in one spot. All your sexual partners in one spot. It's going to be weird. It's going to be awkward. There could be a bunch of ghosts with you as well.

20 ghosts. Oh, yeah. Up to 20. Everybody in a silk robe and you all gather around and watch the Michael Bolton Valentine's Day special. It's actually Valentine's Day. It's on Netflix.

We made it last year. It is hilarious. That time is coming around. It's wonderful. It's so funny. It's a send-up of variety specials with Fred Armisen and Maya Rudolph and so many great people. And Michael Bolton. And Michael Bolton, who is really funny.

He's amazing. And uncomfortable in the most beautiful moments and Michael Bolton is really funny he's amazing and uncomfortable in the most beautiful moments and ways it's really great I will say this let's make that as much as the Grinch

every year is a crusade let's make the Bolton big sexy Valentine's Day special yeah there were no other Valentine's Day special so we decided to make one nice

you guys watch that enjoy it listen to Comedy Bang Bang subscribe go check out all the live ones on Howl and even on Stitcher Premium and all that stuff

just be in the business of Scott Arkman because it will make you happy you won't get sick of me no I promise you know you won't no I have to live with myself and he's only slightly sick of him

and I just looked at the time and oh shit we gotta get back to work