Dumb People Town - Scott Rogowsky - LIVE in Madison

Episode Date: January 31, 2017

The Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk are live in Madison, WI, for the first Dumb People Town EVER! Running Late's Scott Rogowsky joins the gang for homemade venison jerky, as well as tales of intimate spider bites, a naked altercation with the police, and an imaginary fire. Hunker down for some midwestern madness.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hunker Down is Dump People Town The Squire Brothers, ladies and gentlemen! We did it.

Oh, yes. Henderson, you guys. Henderson! It is so nice to see you. It's snowing outside. It's so cold. I don't think cold should, wind should not blow through your scrotum.

No. Like a gust of wind shouldn't come into your penis, right? I don't think. You guys made it out here. We're so, yesterday we walked up to the campus and they're like, you gotta have, it was freezing yesterday. They're like, you gotta have. Ice cream. Ice cream. People were're like you gotta have it was freezing yesterday they're like you gotta have ice cream ice cream people were saying oh yeah that's what i'm thinking of yeah

right now ice cream you gotta have ice cream because it comes from the cows that they raise on campus which is such a madison thing yeah like the most liberal cows ever. It's like you could taste the fact that not only were these grass-fed cows, but they were fed a healthy diet of liberal propaganda. Oh, yeah. Before every cow is milked, it has to watch an Inconvenient Truth.

I think. Yeah. Shit, we just went up to, because we had to. You know, this weekend that we're here, we're doing a Finding the Funny as well. And so in Madison, finding out what's funny. And so we're trying to go around and do all the things that are very Madison. And we had to go to the Willie Street Co-op. Willie Street, I think, is like the highest concentrate.

It's the most lesbians per square foot. Which is how they measure lesbians. By square foot. Sheer square footage of lesbians. It used to be wattage. But now it's square footage. In England, it's kilometers. Square kilometers of lesbians.

No, but we went up there to the Willie Street Co-op. It's like a dude playing guitar outside in the snow. I literally was like, how come this guy isn't signed? That's unbelievable with this guy playing guitar. We go inside and like it's like the most aggressive Whole Foods I've ever been in.

It's unbelievable. It like makes Whole Foods seem so corporate and ridiculous, which it kind of is. But I mean, it was like... For every banana you buy there, I don't know if you guys know this, they send a rifle down to rebels in Managua. Yeah, that's unbelievable.

We are supporting causes for any Mark's shadow goers. It's like the weapons version of Tom's shoes and everyone in that store has totally bought in to the whole co-op feel

I saw a guy pick up a woman with this line I make my own granola and she was like done she was done she was like in here and the guy literally to to his credit he said i like a i like a woman in the streets and a freak in the organic hemp infused sheets everything there every product at the Willie Street Co-op, amazing the meat, there was a whole case a whole freezer full of

meat that was apologized to before it was slaughtered and the butchers give a guarantee that as they're cutting your meat they will shed a tear, I think that is so nice they will, they will it's intention, it's a town of intention it really is, and so is this show.

So this, for you guys, I don't know if you guys know this, this is our first ever Dumb People Town, which is essentially Sklarbrook County. Yep. So you guys are here and experiencing it. We loved for years doing Sklarbrook County Live. It just led, as we were looking at both of these podcasts, it lent itself as the one that was the most fun to do.

And one of the reasons that is the most fun to do, we're about to bring up on stage right now. I can't tell you how much we love this guy and how much a huge part of wanting to do this show and wanting to take it to the next level and make it Dumb People Town and figure out take it to the next level and make it dumb people town and figure out what it's going to be he is our co-host he is our partner in crime he is the man who really generates this thing and drives it through there he is

That's it, you're just spilling Drink all over Dan just spilling his fuzzy navel All over his computer Hi Dan It's great to have you here Hi everybody Dan, this is like your pocket

This is your part of the country. Yeah, these are my people. We will start and break up a fight in the same five-minute period. That's Wisconsin. I mean, you look out of this crowd and you see the Wisconsin Dells. Am I right? I see a lot of things. I see people who have been to the House on the Rock.

Yep. I've seen people that got drunk with their grandma at Ho-Chunk. We know where we come from. You know what you're about when you're in this part of the country. Oh, yeah, for sure. I love that we have taken and distilled down what this show really is and what it has been for so long. And it's the new evolution of it is that it is going to become,

and it is, Dumb People Town. We are taking you to Dumb People Town. And so one of the things we wanted to do was to separate it from Scalabro Country a little bit. And Scalabro County. And Scalabro County and separate it. We had never had this before for any of our podcasts was a theme song. We thought, you know, we usually played a lot of indie rock and we played a lot to introduce you to bands and stuff in and out of breaks. And we do that on Scalabro Country.

But we thought going into Dumb People people town we need a theme song and who better to do the theme song for us than matt kiss no no not kiss uh they're not busy enough right now to theme of beth here it goes guys we asked kiss they have their arena football team. Dumb people, I see you crying. Lick it up. We could all day, guys. By the way, listen to Lick It Up. And that is the most pejorative song ever. The most misogynist song. It's like, I'm done.

Now lick it up. So it's like you hear that song. You see women singing that song. And you're like, now I know why women voted for Trump. Stick it up! Stick it up! So we couldn't get Kiss, but we got Matt Crocco who was the guy who did all the jingles

for Cheap Seats, all little songs of Syphil and Ollie fame. And he created the theme song, the new theme song for Dumb People Town, which even though this is probably going to be the third episode. This episode that we're recording now in the feed will probably be the third, maybe fourth episode of Dumb People Town

that you hear. You guys, and we probably will release the song before the first episode even airs. You are describing the plot to Interstellar. This right now, this wouldn't even make sense to someone who DVR'd all of Quantum Leap. There are people who watched all of Westworld that this makes less sense to. This is like a Charlie Kaufman script.

That's what this has become. So we are, did I mention that each pig at the Willie Street Co-op was gently jerked off before it was caught? I'm in favor of that. So, even the female pig even the sow so even the sows yeah even the sows had pleasure at the willie street co-op right so uh we would like to for you and and as a gift to all of you guys tonight for being here and for being here for this live podcast. We're going to world premiere, at least live. At least live. You will be the first people ever outside of the tight unit of people who get to hear the theme song. Would you guys like to hear the new theme song?

All right. Did you say no? Dan said no, so we're not going to play it. No. So without further ado, do we have it in the back? Can we do it? Okay, so I would like to play for you guys the first, and if you want to hear it again, we can always hear it a second time, but this is the theme song to Dumb People Town. Here we go.

Dan and Brandon J. will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news breaking down these epic fails. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast, Dan-hosts Our name's Dan And we're the Adobe of Dirt We're the music We're somebody

And we are gonna take you down Stick around Make a sound Hold your down It's Dump People Town There it is I love it I love it

I love it Dan, are you drinking now that you're up here more than you do in L.A.? Like, do you just fall back into old habits when you're in this part of the world? Yeah. I mean, I get into Wisconsin, and I just line up screwdrivers and Harvey Wallbangers and Brandy Old Fashions. Like, Brandy Old Fashions, that's not a drink that we have in other parts of the country. No, they just call it Old Fashions. They put everything else in it.

But if you're doing it right in Wisconsin, it's brandy and a maraschino cherry and calling it a day. How many strippers in rural Wisconsin are named brandy old-fashioned? Or maraschino cherry. Maraschino cherry is also a possible. Or screwdriver. It's the first drink I ever had. Is it really the first drink?

Yeah, the one I'm currently drinking and the first one I ever had. Now, is that a Phillips head? I was like five or six, running around the house, grabbed a glass of grandma's orange juice. No, no, that's grandma's! Yep. And ever since then, I get the shakes.

Yeah, you've been on the horse, as you said. Yeah. Geez. I'm sure your family put her orange juice right next to a regular glass of orange juice. It was one of those, like, grandmas always have the best crystal glasses, and it was just one of those. I drank the whole thing. But she was like, what did you do? And I'm like, I got on the right track.

What did anybody do? What are you doing? What are you doing? I instantly become the drunk weight level where no matter what someone tells you to do, you're like, wait a sec, wait, wait, wait. No, we're leaving right now. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Get in the car. Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, we're leaving right now. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. Wait, wait, wait.

Get in the car. Wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait. No, I will, but before that, just wait a second. Just know, you tell the guy, wait. Can you wait one second? You're like, wait a minute. And then when you do wait, you're like, fine, what?

Wait just a second. That's as far as they get. That it wait i'm waiting what am i you're you wait for it this way dudes wait well i don't want to wait for our first guest uh who's going to join us and break down stories with us he is our uh he's our co-producer he produces um he produces finding the funny he had a hilarious pilot which is now on show on Verizon 90. And he did a pilot for True TV. And he's just great. He did our pilot.

He helped us produce that for the Travel Channel. His name is Scott Rogowski. Let's give it up for Rags. Rags. Rags. Rags. Rags. There he is.

Rags. Rags. Rags! There he is. Rags. Rags. Rags, tell him what's in your mouth. Sorry, I'm just... Wait a sec. Wait a sec. What are you eating right now? Oh, just emu jerky.

Oh, yeah. That I got at the indoor farmer's market. The Dane County farmer's market. The only carpeted farmer's market that you'll ever see. The carpet is stained red with the blood of the emu. Is it good? We were with the woman who was selling the emu stuff

and she was like, you know, this business will take you as far as your imagination will take you. I was like, how high on emu oil are you right now? She looked like she was high on emu oil. Selling emu oil? Emu cookies?

Uh-huh. What? Emu soap? It was like emu soap. Who was like, you know what? I'm clean. I need to be emu clean. Do you think you brought some

homemade venison jerky? Oh wait, someone brought homemade venison jerky. I'm the only one with jerky in this room right now? For Dan. I don't know what I love more, that you brought that for me or that you were like, I'll wrap it in a napkin. Try it, Dan. By the way, Dan is

not reaching his hand out yet. Did you make it? My friend's husband killed that deer and made that jerky. My friend's husband killed that deer. That's a phrase we never say in LA. That deer shouldn't have been talking shit. It's okay. It's all good.

Look at Dan with the jerky boys over here. Thank you so much. That's very good. Those are amazing. I'll take some good protein. Is it good? Compare it to the emu. with the jerky boys over here. Thank you so much. That's very good. I'll take some good protein. Compare it to the emu. Give him a little bit of heat. Emu can't fuck with venison.

That was a Dr. Dre song. Emu can't fuck with venison. I love that. It's good, right? The emu or the venison? I trust this more. Yeah, that emu came in two uniform of packaging. Wasn't in someone's purse for six weeks. Yeah, this wasn't in a napkin.

I know. There's like asserts connected to this one. There's like six phone numbers on it. Honey, how do you want to take your gift to the podcast? Just give me a napkin. Just fold it up. Should we put it in a plastic bag? No! No, let's just rip it right off the deer.

Stick it in a napkin and let's go, hon. Go into a podcast. I'm trying to start packaging things. That'd be great if they got that off a deer and the deer's still alive. Yeah, yeah. He's that's fresh. He's in our backyard right now. The kids are playing with him. No, this is so fun.

And if you know what we do, Rags, you've participated. By the way, congratulations on your show, your new show. Running Late with Scott Rogowski. Explain the origins of it just so people know in case they've never heard of it before. So it's a little confusing for people who don't care at all. But I have a talk show in New Yorkork i'm from new york i live there currently uh i've been on it yes dan's been on it and if you guys come to new york you're gonna be on it well i want to be on it um and it's a it's a talk show it's a live talk i mean if there's one

thing that people in the center of this country love is elitists from New York. Way to lead with that, Rags. I'm from New York. New York being code for Jewish. Of course. We don't have to play games here. So that's the show I do. I've been doing that for five years in New York. And then I have this show that's going to be on,

I want to say TV, but I think it's going to be an app. Is it on Go90? It's on Go90, right? Go90. Yeah, it's a digital show. it's going to be an app. Is it on Go90? It's on Go90, right? Go90. Yeah, it's a digital show. It's going to be on a phone. That's where show business is at in 2016, almost 17. Show business is trying to end up on your watch.

That's where it's all headed. Put on a contact lens. I don't know. Is it even exciting to have a show on an app? Yeah. Okay. I'm in the fifth quarter on Go90. So am I.

Yeah. Well, our own therapist can talk about it. It's basically the new show is called Start Talking and it's a talk show with a purpose. I basically ambush people with my talk show setup. For example, roommates. Everyone in New York has a roommate.

Everyone in Wisconsin has a house. Everyone here owns has a house. Everyone here owns a Victorian mansion. No, everybody in Wisconsin had an uncle that lived with them for a while. The roommate. Right, right. He's the one who opened up this, stole that barrel of jelly from a Pop-Tart factory,

opened it up in the backyard so deer would come graze on it so he could shoot them through the back window. We know that guy. We know Uncle Jeff. All right. Well, not in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, you have to have roommates to afford the studio apartment. Four of us.

I live with a softball team in Williamsburg. But anyway, so I... Which, by the way, the Willie Street Co-op softball team is no lesbians. None whatsoever. They're so against the grain. We're like, only straight women because we do not want to perpetuate any stereotypes whatsoever.

It's so far beyond the political correctness spectrum that it goes back the other way. It literally goes back the way. And actually, a few of them are gay bashing. Which is horrible. Which you don't want to give those people bats. Anyway, go ahead. I don't know how I can follow that. So if you're looking for a roommate, the hardest part is finding one and going through the room and interview process.

It's the most awkward part is in knowing. So with my show, I found someone who was looking for a roommate. I set up my talk show in their apartment. Studio audience, cameras, desk, couch, sidekick. Gilbert Gottfried was there as your number one guest. Right. I would have like a celebrity guest join to sit on the couch and then we would tell these people prospective roommates who are showing up you know hey come by two

o'clock they've come in think it's an open house and they walk in and it's surprise you're here on start talking sit down on sit down and let's start talking and here's Gilbert Godf. And so tell me about yourself. What new projects do you have? It's more like, you know, are you 420 friendly? Because the guys here love to smoke the gage. Like I have to figure out, are they going to stay up late? Do they have cats?

You know, all the kind of questions you ask a roommate potentially. But I'm doing it on their behalf. I'm the surrogate interrogator. I love it. The commediator. Yeah, you're the comediator. That's kind of a word we came up with that is not catching on. Are episodes available now?

They're not, no. Okay, great. We're actually still editing, but 2017 at some point, I'm told. That's so cool. I know you had long been dating a woman, and then she broke up with you. But it was so hot. It was so hot in New York this past summer. How hot was it

in New York this past summer? You guys are setting me up. You're Jay Leno now. How hot was it in... That's a great Jay Leno. That's Jay Leno doing Johnny Carson. How hot was it in New York

Last summer So you guys Want to just Without a segue Jump into a joke Of mine Okay How hot was it

It's hard to talk About the heat Right now When it's But in New York It was hot But in New York This summer

It was sweltering It was heat waves It was so hot In New York This summer That I got back Together with my Ex-girlfriend

Just for the cold stare One of my favorite jokes summer that I got back together with my ex-girlfriend just for the cold stare. One of my favorite jokes. It's such a good joke. That's like mic drop, walk off the stage, out into the snow, and then you just die. You just walk into a snow drip. In Lake Mendota.

Never to be seen again. The Lake Mendota monster takes you in its grips. I found out that the Lake Mendota. Never to be seen again. The Lake Mendota monster takes you in its grips. I found out that the Lake Mendota monster was just a fat naked guy from Appleton on a pool noodle. Yeah.

Do people know about that? Because I was talking to people. Part of my job with this podcast we're doing, Finding the Funny, the other podcast, this is the podcast

with the podcast, right? But I talk to people after the show, as these guys do, and they have a joke that they're going to tell tonight, and they told last night about basically that one. Yes. It was also that more people have seen the Lake Mendota monster

than Scott Walker. In Madison. But people after the show said they hadn't heard of the Lake Mendota monster. Do we all know what that is here? Some do. Okay. Some do, some don't. It's like not as well known as I thought.

Well, a lot of people know about the Lake Monona monster. Isn't that the other one? It's so dumb. It's just terrible. How did they come up with those names? It was so hot. Just for the cold stare.

Mendota and Winona. Mendota and Winona to me sounds like the person who was writing it down just couldn't hear. There was like too much commotion. That's like one of them is Mendoza and the other one is Winona. And the other one is what? Winona. Winona. I just wrote them both down quickly.

There's no need. You're doing it wrong. They'll never stick. What did you say? Mendota and Winona? What did you say? I can't Monona? What did you say? I can't hear what you're saying right now. I'm just going to write down whatever I want.

I'm going to put down Mendota and Monona. What did you say? Monona? That's what it's going to be. Mendota and Monona. No one's going to fucking care. I said Mendoza and Monona. You know what?

The isthmus is not going to be an isthmus any longer. It's just going to flood over. Okay, fine. By the way, by the way, Merry Isthmus to everybody. Yes. May I be the first to wish you all a Merry Isthmus. So Dumb People Town is so fun because we are going to take you down to Dumb People Town because Dan has collected through our various network of awesome fans like yourselves

some great stories, and he has to go through them. I mean, there are rules that we have that you can't. There are certain stories. I love when people send in a story where a child is murdered. We're like, no, that's not funny. Like a bag of puppies found on Interstate. You're going to love this one. No, no, no.

Why would I do that story? There's no coming back from that. No one can die. Unless it's really funny. Unless they died die. Unless it's really funny. Unless they died happy. Unless it was like a guy. We did one once where some like 95-year-old woman jumped out of the nursing home window and then people spent an entire day thinking it was a mannequin in the parking lot.

That was funny. All right. By the way. She killed herself, so that's on her. And I'm going to say this. Best mannequin challenge ever in the history of the internet. And they turned that into...

That girl is in a parking lot. No, Andrew McCarthy came by to check the body. They shot mannequin four right there. But the level of dumb in that story outweighed the tragedy of a woman and 95 like that age you go out however you want to go out she went out doing what she loved right out of windows 95 i mean that's like you you live through the depression yeah like you

don't need to see cinderella man no you yeah so if you want to go at 95. You don't need to see Cinderella, man. No. So if you want to go at 95, go. I don't care. There's nothing else for you here. Yeah, why not? You did your time. Just lethal weapon won it.

It's fine. That's right. Too old for this shit. Thanks, these three. There you go. That's it. They got it. They got it.

They got it. So do we have a story, Dan? You know what? I didn't bring any stories. Oh. All right. That's our show, guys. Thanks so much. There was going to be a podcast here. All right. There was going any stories. Oh. Alright, that's our show, guys. Thanks so much.

Alright. This was sent in by Jennifer Hansen. Should we also say to people hashtag DVK County is not... We'll leave it. We'll leave it, but I think we should do hashtag Dumb People Town. I don't wanna. Wow. Wow. He is drunk already.

He is drunk. Thanks, Grandma. Grandma. Dan, from screwdrivers on to alls. For now, it's still working. He's drinking alls at this point. This was sent in by Jennifer Hatson, at gopherpuckfan. All right. Minnesota?

Oh. Why did I gesture out to Wisconsin when I said Minnesota? You know Minnesota It's like in LA When you're like I'm from St. Louis I have a cousin in Iowa Doesn't mean anything to us I know it means a lot to you

It means nothing to us The last four words of this sentence That I'm about to read. If I stopped minus four words, you'd be like, yeah, that's a good story. But the last four words, you're going to go... Make it a dumb people's story. Oh, yeah. This guy was chosen.

Hand-picked. A 21-year-old Australian tradesman has been bitten by a venomous spider on the penis for a second time. Bite me once, shame on you. Right. Bite me twice. You're in dumb people town.

You're in dumb people town. You're in dumb people town. You're in dumb people town. To me, then, you have way too exposed of a penis if that happens twice. You're naked way too much. If spiders are coming at you left and right, either your dick is enormous or you're naked too much. You're just too naked. Get rid of the mesh boxers.

Yeah, that's right. Move on to sturdier fabrics. Stop sleeping in your crawl space, I guess I would say. The man was using a portable toilet on a Sydney building site on Tuesday when he suffered a repeat of the incident from five months earlier. This guy can't go half a year without getting bitten in the dick twice. Most people go their whole lives. This guy's on a quarterly rotation of dick biting. This is the Chinese year of the spider biting your dick.

I read that. Also, in a portable toilet, when any of us in our lives have had to use a portable toilet, we assess the level of danger in doing so. I pee on the walls in a portable toilet. I pee in that little makeshift sink. Oh, I just open the door, don't enter, and just fly it from there. Everywhere.

Fly it from deep. Sometimes I'll pee in, if it's a fancy one, I'll pee in the portable toilet sink. There are no rules in a portable toilet. I send an exploratory team ahead of me. Yeah. Of Sherpas. Of locals and Sherpas, just to secure the location. Just literally spelunking through shit.

There's nothing better than when you finally reach the age when you've gotten down perfect, your I'm in here yell from a portable toilet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. perfect your I'm in here yell from a portable toilet yeah yeah then the second time yeah third time you mix up go I'm in here man there's a spider biting my dick little help little Help is what he did that's the name of the spider

Lil Help that's the name of his autobiography twice bitten he's having a sexual identity crisis am I spider gay? I've had my dick sucked by a spider twice is it me? he definitely after the second bite thought that he had some

super power if you're not calling this dude twice. Is it me? He definitely, after the second bite, thought that he had some superpower. Yeah, for sure. If you're not calling this dude Peter Parker and you're his friend... That's right. His Peter got parkered. Every time he gets a hard-on, he's like, that's my spider sense, babe.

Do we know if it's the same spider? Jordan. You thought this was over? It's never over. I won't be ignored, Michael. That's a vendetta. Jordan, who preferred not to reveal his surname. So guys, look for the guy named Jordan in Sydney, Australia

working on a construction site. Okay. Holding his dick. He said he was bitten on quote, pretty much the same spot by the spider. So it's not just his dick. We didn't move up and down the shaft. It's the same spot.

You gotta work the shaft. Even if you're a venomous spider. Do you hope when he told the cops that a spider bit him, they were like, what were you wearing? Maybe you were asking for that spider bite. You don't want to blame the victim, but

what weren't you wearing? What was the classic Stallone story? Cobra? Do you know this Stallone story? Do you guys know this famous classic Stallone story? Cobra? Do you know this story? Yeah. Do you know this Stallone story? Do you guys know this famous? Stallone was working on a movie, and he's notorious for this. He was working on a movie. Pete Holmes told this story, I think, on your podcast years ago.

The sound guy on the movie, he was mic'd up. Sometimes you're just mic'd up. It's a thirst situation. He left the sound on. And went to lunch. But during lunch, he found one of the girls doing background, sweet talked her, took her to his trailer. She did a little background on him.

She did a little spider biting on Stallone and left, the mic was still hot. So everyone is at lunch and the sound guy is like, oh shit. And it's him saying cup the balls work the shaft and what's the last one the balls work the shaft and remove the spider no what is it it's cup the balls work the shaft easy on the tip or something oh yeah

so it became a long-running joke on this movie set and the guys on the crew or something. So it became a long running joke on this movie set and the guys on the crew would just say to each other, hey man, hey I'm going to go, I got to go grab that keynote. All right, before you do,

can you make sure that you cup the balls, work the shaft, easy on the tip. And so when the movie wrapped, when the movie wrapped, somebody on the crew, the AD or somebody,

gave all the guys shirts that said, cup the balls, work the shed, easy on the tip. So now, flash forward a couple years, this guy's working on a movie set. He's running late. He grabs his clothes. He jumps. He runs out of the house, and he's walking on set,

and it's the day Stallone is on set for this movie, and he realizes he's wearing a shirt that says, Cup the balls, work the shed. And he's wearing a shirt that says cup the balls work and he's walking and stallone's walking towards him and he's walking towards stallone stallone looks at him looks at his shirt and says i say that and he's walking keeps walking Hey, yo, Adrian Hey, yo, Adrian There's something beautiful about that It is, but It does bother me that that movie And that Rocky, that they were allowed to make

Seven Rockies and everybody was like Ah, he got everything right Got everything right Every detail, the fighter coming up from the streets And the boxing gym, that's why This movie is so great, it's based on the truth of everything. Right. We're like,

it took place in Philly. His accent is like, I mean, it's like not just like Brooklyn, New York, you know, all these guys from Brooklyn, New York,

it's a Philly accent. It would have been such a better movie if it was like everybody in the movie had authentic. We've said this before, Philadelphia, it would be so much better. He's like, Hey, yo, better movie if it was like everybody in the movie had authentic we've said this before philadelphia it would be so much better he's like hey yo hey yo mick don't throw in the towel i gotta go beat up a paulo creed hey hey yo yo adrian why don't you get out of that coma and go down to the wah wah and fifth and locust and get me a water ice if i can change and you can change maybe we can all get

pete rose in the hall of fame that would have been a great ending to rocky four oh my god rose gets in the hall of fame because of rocky not a single tasty cake in any of those movies not one not one uh quote this is what jordan jordan we don't know his last name. Jordan said, quote, I'm the most unlucky guy in the country at the moment. Which means he's hoping next week things change. Right? Someone gets it worse now. Also, country, you might be world right now. Yeah, exactly.

Quote, I was sitting on the toilet doing my business, and I just felt the sting that I felt the first time. Do you think before he looked, he was like, shit. I love also that he refers to Australia as a country and not the continent where it is. Well, he might be right. Yeah, that's right. Quote, I was like, I can't believe it's happened again. I looked down and I seen a few little legs come from around the rim.

Right? You did the same thing I did when I read it. Just the idea of a little leg coming around the rim. This is the most terrifying story I've ever heard in my life. This is the version of Charlotte's Web you never want to read. Do you think if after the second time of being on that guy's dick, the spider was like, so what are we now? Because you come around here, and I do this, and I don't know.

Are we getting Christmas gifts for each other? Can I take you home to meet my parents? I just need to know. Otherwise, stop coming here, because it hurts. That's right. I don't see you for several months. I stop coming here? Because it hurts. I don't see you for several months.

He said that being bitten the first time had made him wary of using portable toilets again. Not wary enough. Not wary enough. Quote, after the first time it happened, I didn't really want to use one again, he said. Toilets got

clean that day, and I thought it was my opportunity to go use one had a look under both seats and then i sat down did my business next thing you know i'm bent over in pain so he literally went in with the fear checked it out as best he could and that spider was like you didn't see me you see yeah if. If I got bit on the penis by a spider, I think I would shit standing up for the rest of my life. Yeah. Down my leg.

Just take your squatty potty out to the backyard. Yes. Didn't we have a friend whose son? I have a friend whose son would, when she was potty training him, he took his tiny toilet. It was in his room for a long time. And he would only go in his room. Then there was a period of time when his son would only, he took the toilet out into the backyard.

And he would only go to the bathroom. He would let himself out and go. And his son would go. And he would go to the bathroom in the backyard like he was a golden retriever. Then they'd stand in the back. Come on. Come back in. Good backyard like he was a golden retriever. Yeah. Then they'd stand there and be like, come on. Come back in. Good boy.

He was a good boy. Yeah. The next sentence, I do not understand if anybody's been too familiar with or from Australia. All it says in quotes. So he says, next thing you know, I'm bent over in pain. Then the next sentence on its own, all it says is, I'll be holding on. Which sounds like the line to a Wilson Phillips song. Yes.

The tradesman, I would call him the dick bidder, said. What is his trade, by the way? Getting bit by spiders. That is. He's the jack of that trade. He said he was not sure what type of spider bit him this time one of his colleagues took him from the work site to the northwest uh sydney to the black town hospital that's what it's called that is not racist they call it that sounds so racist although many of his workmates were quick to see the lighter side of the situation they got worried

the first time jordan said this time they were making jokes before i was getting in the car yeah this will never be let go yeah at all spider dick jordan again the hospital declined to discuss the matter citing patient privacy jordan was released from the hospital and said he expected to return to work soon but was unlikely to be using the on-site toilet. Quote, I think I'll be holding on for dear life, to be honest, he said. The redback spider, closely related to the black widow spider, so we're not messing around here. This is real deal. Is distinguished by a long red stripe on its and of, and, you know what, I'm okay. Have some more jerky.

Have another screwdriver or some more jerky. It's funny, I don't drink when we're in studio and I still do. It's bite causes severe pain, sweating, and nausea, and maybe personal feelings for the spider. I don't know. We'll get out of here on this. Although there are recorded

cases of deaths from redback bites, none have occurred since the development of an anti-venom in 1956. If you are going to get bit by a spider, you would probably ask for a hooker to suck out the venom am i right on your day yeah that's a two for one right i think we're overlooking the bigger issue here is that these toilets in australia there's like a spider a toilet spider that just loves to hang out under the rim of i mean our friend went to us our friend went to australia and like he read about 75 things that could kill you yeah when you go to australia in the airport and our friend was

our friend was steve irwin oh he had no regard for any of those things steve irwin would just shit in the ocean i feel like just and the animals were like you know what we're taking it back yeah literally though that, this guy either has a very large penis or he's caught in one of the sequels to Final Destination. Or he's old. The older you get, the more your stuff just drops down into the toilet. Yes. Yes.

That's a fact. I actually feel like this could be the plot for Flushed Away 3. Yeah. No, but it is like the lower... There's like a moment like you want to lower the toilet water. Yeah, that's when you know you're getting old and it's not good when you have to lower your toilet water so your balls don't...

That's the point I'm at now. It's like lowering the rim for your kids when they play basketball. You want them to feel good about themselves. It's a lie. We all know it. Lower the water. Eight and a half feet. Just went down an inch. There you go. Jeez, that's insane, man.

Is that one story down in the books? That's it. One story down in the books. How about it? One story down in the books. All right. For those at home, we'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Great. All right. Welcome back to Dumb People Town, everybody! We'll be in Madison, Wisconsin right now. So Scott could give people some interesting perspective.

Yeah. He watched me watch Game 7 of the World Series. In New York. In New York. In New York. How stressed out was I? Man. Dan?

All right. I meet Dan. I took over the bar. Remember the part where I told everybody to shut the fuck up at the bar? You guys, I did. I made everyone shut up for the bottom half. That's the command in this bar, and that's not what you say at a TGI Friday. Why would I be in one of those?

I'm a Chili's or nothing, man. Chili's all the, man. Chili's all the way till you die. There's a cool bar in the East Village of New York packed to the gills. I meet Dan there. He's with a friend of his. Jeff Chase. It was probably the fifth inning at that point.

Everyone's engaged. There's screens everywhere. But people are chatty. It's after work. Not on my watch. They're in kickball leagues. Yes, those were the people. Those are the people. The people in the team shirts. You know those people? You've got to look out for those. They're all chatting, and as they get

later into the game and the tension starts ratcheting up, that's when Dan... Rajay Davis home run. I would rather chat in front of Jeff Tweedy at a solo show than in front of Dan during this moment. I feel like I'd get shoot out less than what you probably did. The wrath of Dan

comes in and there are these two women having a conversation. They have no idea that this is the Cubs are on the precipice of winning the first world series. They're talking about like work problems. Yeah. They were. And I said, here's the rule, guys.

If someone's annoying you in a movie theater, there's a line between too aggressive and not seeming serious enough about what you're saying. So if a phone keeps ringing, I'll give it a few, and then I'll throw out a, turn that shit off. Now, I have cussed at the phone, not at them. So in this scenario, I just said, ladies, can you have this conversation

anywhere else on this planet right now? By the way, had you said just outside, that makes it less severe. Right. You gave them... And they go, what? And I go, it is the bottom of the 10th inning, Game 7 World Series.

Go to Finland. I was like. Not this conversation in Finland. You two are talking about your work like it's a fucking Tuesday. I want to watch this game. I think it was a Tuesday. No, it was not. It was a Wednesday.

And they looked at me. Back me up. They looked at me like, go fuck yourself, right? Until their own friend in a kickball shirt goes, ladies, he's right. Shut the fuck up. Yeah, that's right. It was great. It was a glorious moment.

I had everybody be quiet. I wish I had known you in 1997 in New York when I took my now wife. One of our first dates was in Central Park to see the orchestra play Bolero. They were playing Bolero. Same thing. Same thing. Dramatic.

Yes. Amazing. Rajay Davis also hit a home run that day. Exactly. Rajay Davis broke our heart that day for a brief moment. Rolled his Chapman. Amazing. Dexter Fowler started off the concert with a homerun.

That's right. And we're sitting there and we're like, one blanket it's packed with people all centered. One blanket, it's so funny because my wife and I still do this and talk about this. One blanket over from four people who were having the most mundane conversation ever

about why one of them didn't get the company car when the other p the other person in the other division was given the company car six months ago and that was that stupid fucking conversation was set to bolero why do i get the company i mean i deserve the company car she got the company what is it, I deserve the company car. She got the company car three months earlier than me. What is it, like a Bonneville? Is it a Bonneville?

What kind of car is it? It was actually a Pontiac Aero for a Firebird. And it was completely loaded. I mean, I want to be able to take it how many miles? About 300 miles just on the car. And I figured that was a little drive-around stuff. My wife and I are like, you are fucking. What did you do?

I was like, my wife and I just were laughing. And then I was at the, she was not my wife at the time. So we, we laughed like, you know, two people who are really in love. No, I love her. But somebody said that for fear. Someone listen. You know, I love her. And so, no, so no but i mean it was i was just laughing because i'm like there's no way she's listening so she i mean it we want i wish we had a dan van kirk there to like daniel i wish you were there

hey you want to shut the fuck up there's class i would have said hey guys i wish you would have gotten the company car so i could run you the fuck over shut driven it up to saugerties shut shut your mouth shut it put your mouth on shut i did i will i told you i go but when this game's three outs away we are making everybody in this bar be quiet. And Jeff and Scott are like, okay, sure. And I'm like, no, we are making everyone in this bar be quiet. Were you standing outside when I did the champagne toast with Jim to his dead dad? Yeah. Did anybody listen to that story? Yeah.

Okay. We all cried at work, right? Yeah. Oh, my God. Got a little misty on the computer. Go back and listen to that. I will save us all the tears Or just watch Remember the Titans

While we're talking about terrible conversations If I could just get this in Because I flew into Chicago And then I drove to Madison the other day And I stopped in Schaumburg, Illinois for breakfast Anybody here familiar? It's an Ikea There's a place called Wildberry Cafe

I yelped it Oh, okay Good call, right? Great reviews on Yelp Kia. Yeah. There was a place called Wildberry Cafe. I yelped it. Oh, people, okay. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Good. Good call, right? Great reviews on Yelp, and I could back it up.

It was good. I get there. I get a table by myself, and I order the banana bread French toast and the scrambled eggs I'm excited for. There's a couple, there are two women sitting, older women sitting over my shoulder having this loud conversation. And I'll just give you a snippet of it, and we can move on. But the woman says, when I got home, I googled the type of cyst it was. No.

Can I just get the chat? Before they finish this story, can I just get the... Cancel the turkey meatballs. Cancel the pesto cysts that I ordered. And it was, quote, very foul smelling. That was... No. I would have walked up. I would have taken the little diner bill that they gave me,

put it on those women's table, and I would have walked out. And she goes on about how it got lanced. No, I can't. Her co-workers can smell it. This woman's talking about her cyst. I just would have been like, women! Women!

Stop it. Yes. I don't know if it's a Midwestern thing. People just talk loudly about their personal issues. I don't know. Just send over a cease and desist. You guys want to do another story? Let's do another story. Okay, here we go.

This was sent in by Adam October at Three Chord Me. Thanks, buddy. I'm going to read you the headline because I want all of us to realize the fun we're going to have. Naked Man. There you go. Fights cops with shovel. Wait. Gets repeatedly tased.

Wait, is that a semicolon? Let me just say, he had more shovels than shoes Let's be honest right now And he was taken on the cops Bay City, Michigan Bay City Rollers Yes, exactly A 53-year-old

Bay City man Is accused of walking around his neighborhood naked Then having a fight with police That involved him crawling into a refrigerator. Okay. The opening to Crystal Skull, guys. 53 years old, Bay City, Michigan. Even if he's in great shape, he's in shitty shape.

Right. By the way, this is how King Tut died. A lot of people don't know that. He got in a fight with the cops and just crawled into a refrigerator. If you're in shape in Bay city michigan that means you can walk a 5k yeah okay yeah about 7 30 p.m on sunday september 25th police responded to a house in the 1400 block of green avenue for a report of a nude man outside with a shovel 7 p.m now if you're those cops you should know what you're

going into at that point this is a thunderdome situation there's a police code in bay city specifically for a naked man with shovels i assume it's a 765 yeah guys we got a 765 on the 1400 block what if they were just getting lake effect snow and he was shoveling old people's walks naked? If I'm those cops, I'd be like, carry on, sir. Those are your toes.

You do what you want with them. He's like, I get really hot when I shovel. Guys, it's just me. The woman who called police told them the man was in her backyard

and had been hitting her house with the shovel, court records show. We could spend an hour rationalizing what he thought would happen. This is how you go back in time. I mean,

I guess I know I'm sure you guys are all wondering this too. What did the house say to him to cause this to happen? Didn't even say anything. Just gave him a look. The house gave him a look. You look at me like that, you Cape Cod motherfucker. Garage door opened. It was like, don't you open your mouth at me.

Boom. Two. And how long did she wait? He had been hitting her house. Naked guy, I'm like, call him, honey. Call him right now. Naked guy approaching the house with the shovel, I'm calling. Yeah.

Police saw the man identified as Scott W. Lang. Old Scotty Lang. In the yard. He had cuts on his body, was bleeding from numerous spots, and appeared to be under the influence of a drug. No shit. Court records show. Really?

A drug called love. I love this house. Lang refused to drop his shovel, but down the shovel. Nope. I'm holding all the cards. And attempted to enter his own nearby home, prompting police to stun him with a taser.

Officials were unable to get the shovel from Lang's hands. Lang then crawled into his house and slammed the door behind him to which at which point i think he thought this is all done we're good here i'm home i'm at home base i'm on guys i'm on ghoul i'm on ghoul and you did not yeah i touched it yeah i touched ghoul he shut that door and thought all his worries all his worries were behind him and all his alcohol was in front of him. I wonder if he shut the door and he just turned into a normal person, like when he was inside. It's like Stranger Things.

He went through to the other side. He just sat down, started watching Fixer Upper and was set. Millionaire matchmaker. Sat down, started watching Fixer Upper And started just having stances Against gay marriage Do you watch Fixer Upper? I don't, isn't that the guy who came out against gay marriage? Oh I don't know, his name's Chip

He looks like a bloated Dennis Quaid That's right Come on He looks like Dennis Quaid If Dennis Quaid was Randy Quaid The two of them made a Quaid if Dennis Quaid was Randy Quaid. Like the two of them made a Quaid version of the fly, and he got spliced halfway in between.

If Dennis Quaid ate Randy Quaid. Oh, Chip. Chip, be progressive. All right. Where was I? Hitting the house. He crawled in and shut the door. When did he get into the refrigerator? Officers kicked open the door.

I don't know if there was a negotiation or they were like, hey, naked guy shovel crawling into his house. We don't have to ask. That is probable cause in Bay City. They kicked open the door and Lang threw a metal chair and the shovel at them. The shovel hitting one of the officers in the chest

knocking them off their feet that's some that is a throw that is a good shovel throw by the way who has that much room in their house where like you have enough distance to throw it through the shovel throw if i told you guys that you didn't know it but steven's point does a shovel throw festival every year you'd be like i would i buy it yeah yeah probably shovel throw festival every year, you'd be like, I buy it. Yeah, probably is one. Shovel throw and funnel cakes. My family goes to Princeton, Wisconsin for the chicken fling, where you literally throw rubber chickens

as far as you can. I'd be on board for a shovel throw. Shovel throw. We were doing press for these shows, and we drove by the YMCA on the way out to the radio station. There was a big sign on the marquee that said try our log rolling

log rolling at the Y on a frozen lake how can that actually function or work and also it's like the hardest thing in the world to do you know what these youth at risk need more failure in their lives that's something else that's

really so hard to do they get frustrated and think that they can't do anything son if you can roll that log you can do anything yeah or log rolling it's like what's the options lang after throwing the chair and the shovel the shovel very effectively chair not so much lang then crawled into an empty refrigerator and kept tossing whatever items he could find at the officer. See, now, this is where I don't believe this story, because I don't believe this type of guy would have an empty refrigerator. No, I was hoping it was like a white trash version of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe.

He thinks he's going in there. Yes, I'm in, guys. Three-week-old egg roll through the wardrobe. Ready for my favorite line in this story? Yes. Lange eventually grabbed two wooden TV tables and used them as shields against the officer's tasers.

He got like dining room medieval times on these guys. Braveheart recreation. Yes, dude. They're shooting Tysers and he's deflecting them with TV tray tables. He's like a microwave dinner Thor. Yes.

Police eventually wrestled the tables away from Lang and stunned him again, causing him this image to fall out of the fridge. We him, this image, to fall out of the fridge. We tased him so hard he fell into the crisper. While he was on the ground,

he attempted to eat shards of broken glass. That not advised. This is a homeowner. This is a guy who has a house. All of a sudden, spider dick guy is like, I'm doing okay. See, I told you, the worst

case now, currently. Yeah, currently. The officers were able to hoist him up and take him outside where he was attended by medical personnel and taken to McLaren Bay Region Hospital. He told police he was embarrassed. Oh guys guys i'm gonna level

with you guys this is not me i feel like we got off on the wrong foot i usually don't eat glass that's the only thing he wants to clarify you know what i mean the shovel that was justified the chair was unprofessional. You guys need to understand, I didn't get the company car. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Oh, no. He told police he was embarrassed,

thought he was dreaming, and didn't know where he was. This guy's doubling down on every possible... Yes, everything. Then he started singing Shaggy's It Wasn't Me. Yeah. But we saw you with the TV trays. It... Excuse me. Yes, everything. Then he started singing Shaggy's It Wasn't Me. But we saw you with the

TV trays. It wasn't me. But you threw stuff from the refrigerator at us. It wasn't me. You hit me with the shovel. It wasn't me. Okay. Let's cut that. Is there a studio in town? Can we cut this demo tomorrow? Cut that out. Let's get Boney Bear to cut it with us. Yeah, for sure.

In all, Lang had four taser barbs removed from him. Jeez. Barb. He also had a shard of glass in his upper left thigh. Do you think he was like, guys, leave the glass. That's on me.

I'll take that as a memento. Police entered Lang's home and found it in shambles with everything broken to pieces, blood streaks on the walls, and the sinks clogged and running, which means he was hit by the wet bandits, guys. Ah! This is just the greatest sequel to Home Alone.

Ever. Oh, man, they'll know it was us. All right. I read that line, and I'm like, so wet bandits. Yeah. Macaulay Culkin. Yes, of course. Neighbors told police Lang had been walking up and down the sidewalk while nude, going

onto porches and ringing doorbells, which means multiple houses had him encounter them and did nothing about it because they're like hey at least he's not hitting our house with a shovel yeah i know we are fine with new doorbell ringing let him be honey let him be let him he'll he'll just let him just tire he'll tire out he'll tire himself out when you find your neighbor just go to sleep in his refrigerator or something like that. Ringing your doorbell. Let it be. Okay. Where was I?

He's ringing the doorbell. Yeah, he's ringing the doorbell. The woman who called 911 said Lang had been her neighbor for about two years and had always been, quote, the sweetest guy ever. That's it, man. You got to worry about those sweetest guys. Sounds like the sweetest guy ever. Lang was discharged from the hospital about 1230 a.m which means this was a full night of fun promptly took him to the bay county jail lang on september 26th appeared in bay county district court for an arraignment on three counts of assaulting resisting and obstructing police in a single court guys i'm

gonna ask you as well as the first two people who raised their hand. Yep. What was his bond set at? How much was his bond set at? How much was his bond? Okay, we have a guest. What's your name? Courtney. Courtney with the venison jerky. By the way, I just came up with a new reality show

based on what you handed him. It's a game show, and it's just called Purse Jerky. You are presented with a purse. You you reach in pull out a napkin of some jerky we don't know how long it's been there we have you you have to guess what animal is it i was gonna go with jerky me off but that's fine i was gonna go with what's in my napkin my name is courtney and it's twenty26,000. $26,000. Do we have anyone else?

Yeah, right here. $18,000. What's your name? What's your name? Peter. Peter in a We Smote shirt? Peter in a We Smote shirt. That looks awesome.

What did you say, Peter? What are you going with? $18,000. $18,000. Scott Rogowski. I'm going to go with a shiny new shovel. A shiny new shovel. Okay.

You can find the money to buy that. I think his bail was set at $10,000. $10,000 for Randy Sklar. Jason Sklar? $2,000. $2,000. The reigning judge set his bond at $7,500. Oh.

We're not going over. We don't play by those rules. That was closest, but good job. Way to go, Rand. That's our second story. Second story in the book, you guys! We'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this. Alright, guys. Welcome back to Dumb People Town!

What were you going to say, Rad? I just wanted to say, you know, we're making fun of this guy. And he did mention that he was on drugs. I want to know what drugs those are. And I want to take those drugs because, honestly, I would kill to have a night like that. No, the rule is, and I have not done many drugs. I've done heroin and that's it a lot. It's a small sample size.

Today. Just heroin every day. it's a small sample yes today just heroin here the rule that i've been told on drugs you never do a drug that makes you forget you did drugs yeah yeah you always have to have the ability to be like i'm high right now i'm on drugs i'm high you once you get into the like what are you talking about that's we're gone now the government's listening. New reality. Because even the drunkest person will still be like, I'm drunk right now. You're like, yeah, I know you.

That's why we're getting you out of this wet cement. I know. Last night, there was a woman at the show who was so self-proclaimed drunk. Like, she was trying to pay for a shirt for so long. And she took out her, she took out her wallet and then, and her wallet was on the table. And then she went looking in her purse for her wallet for about 10 minutes.

Her husband was just kind of just swaying around like a building that was about to come down. And she was just like, I know it's in here. I'm really drunk right now. The nice people behind us were like, I'm going to pay for this shirt for her. For this woman.

We're like, no, she's going to figure it out. And it's really nice that she did that. And then she picked up her wallet and picked up the shirt and was like, I paid for it. And we're like, no, you didn't. You didn't get it? I did it.

I did it. We're like, no, you did not do it. Thank you. Thank you. And the rest was like, press the elevator. did not do it thank you press the elevator we're like do not press the elevator I paid for it guys last night the most Wisconsin thing

we got back to the hotel there was a drunk guy sitting in the lobby with his shirt off shirt off I'm not joking I am not joking shirt off ready to talk I'm not joking I am not joking Shurtoff Shurtoff wanting

like ready to talk right no shovel though no shovel no shovel but he wanted to just have a conversation with all of us

yeah I want to talk about Scott one of the my favorite things you ever did for those who don't know check this out you may know

and didn't know this is him this is so genius this thing that you did when you if you've ever written any sort of public transportation on any level you just look around and take inventory and scott picked up on this to the best level possible when he decided if everybody's going to pay attention to what other people are doing i'm going to make it interesting and you created a fake series of books. Book covers. And then videotaped

people watching you read these books. Tell the people who don't know some of the titles of the books that people watched you read. On the New York subway system. How to hold a fart in. Imagine these people. And you guys, check this

out because these people are sitting there and this is them seeing Scott read the book for the listener at home i'm nailing it yeah and rags is just reading the book oblivion another one tinder training your toddler Come on. Slut shaming your baby. That's good. How about 10,000 dick pics? Just literally, and then the subtitle, literally 10,000 pictures of dicks. One of my favorites.

It was also called the Brett Favre story. Eating ass for dummies. Yeah. Ass eating made simple. Let's get it right. Let's get it right. Ass eating made simple. Eating Ass for Dummies Ass Eating Made Simple Let's get it right Ass Eating Made Simple I made two videos The first video had Ass Eating Made Simple

And then the follow up I wanted to Pay homage The quote was I'll never eat ass the same way by Joan Didion If you ever do another one Will you In the second video I paid homage to the Ass Eating Made Simple the same way by Joan Didion. If you ever do another one, will you... In the second video, I paid homage to

The Ass-Eating Made Simple, and I had a second book called The Intricacies of Ass-Eating, with a quote from Haruki Murakami. I want you to do one so that it's like, Ass-Eating Made Simple, The Lollipop Technique by Daniel Van Kirk.

Oh. I would love that. I'll would love that the level of people seeing you read these books yeah oh it's just amazing so where can people see that if they want to see uh your facebook feed i think 44 million views on facebook that is just that video people ripped it and stuff he has like honestly it has like over 100 million impressions between is that crazy you did the fat jewish try to claim that he did it? Yeah, he tried. He posted it.

No, he posted a picture. He was like, look at this video I did. You're like, no, asshole. It's fucking someone else holding the books. People, you know, it's funny. People, because when this was really blowing up, I would get text messages from people, people I knew, right? And they had friends in their circles who would try to pass it off like they took the picture,

like they saw it, like guess what I saw on the subway today? And they would like take the screenshot and text it to their friends. And then they'd be like, no, you didn't, you idiot. That's a video on the internet. And so people were trying to pass that off.

I'm in a group text with all my group of friends, all the guys who do Mancation. Corey and Bradford are here today. Yeah, but I'm throwing it up. And somebody put it in our group. It was like, guys, check this out. I'm like, I know that dude. That is the best.

That is, when that still happens today. What an amazing, there's so many jokes in that thing. Totally your style of humor to get that out there to so many people. It's great. It's a great feeling. And that's cool when that happens. But it's like the people who go, yeah, look what I saw. They try to make it about themselves.

Like, how much personality are you lacking? You need to make up a story about seeing it. It's okay to just say, look what I saw on the internet. Right, just share it. Look at this great thing. Or how about simple? Isn't this funny? And then just walk away.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Smiley face emoticon. Yes. With the tears. The tear emoticon. The face emoticon. Yes. With the tears. The tear emoticon. The tear emoticon. You guys want to do a third story? Let's do a last story.

Third story, last story. And then we might have a special guest. All right. This one's sent in by Pat Price at patprice.com. D-O-T-C-O-M. He put it all into his Twitter handle. Half Moon. I think we're in New York.

The state of New York. Did we have a thing with Moshe Kasher on a live episode of Sklarbro County? We did a sketch fest with him. Half Moon Bay? Yes. That was in Florida. A half moon man. I'm just imagining a guy with half an ass.

Or I'm imagining a guy Who is like halfway to becoming a werewolf Sounds like a deep cut Of one of David Bowie's albums Halfman Man Allegedly broke into his neighbor's house To save the family dog From a fire

How is that alleged? However, there was no fire Troopers say he was on Lsd and hallucinated there was no dog there was a dog there was a dog wondering what is happening right now imagine this guy no one's doing anything about this fire there's no fire talk about drugs that you think you need to wow okay troopers say michael orchard of Inglewood Drive told them he mixed LSD with would you like to take a guess

as to what he mixed LSD with? Windex. Windex is good. That's a good one. I heard of Molly out there. Sweet and low? Sweet and low? Just cut it a little. Motor oil.

Cough medicine. Is that scissor? Tussin. Is that scissor? Yes. Yeah. He mixed Lelasty with cough medicine Thursday afternoon, and they found him standing heroically with a dog in his arms.

I got him. I did. I got him. Outside of what he thought was a giant inferno. I'm asking him. Guys, get back! He's standing outside awaiting praise that's never going to come. Just holding a lab.

Meanwhile, though, when you think about what George Lucas did to Star Wars, that's pretty much what all the actors did in every scene. Yeah, that's very true. They acted heroically in front of nothing. He believed the residence was on fire and he was rescuing the dog, said Trooper Mark Seiple, Troop G spokesperson. Troop G sounds

non-official. It's just way too specific. Mark Speitzel would have been enough. Neighbors tell News Channel 13 Orchard went around the neighborhood banging on doors, yelling about a fire. No one called the cops on this again. Funny was, that was Michael. He thought there was a fire across the street.

Let him run it out. Honey, it's a metaphorical fire. Don't worry about it. It's a fire that burns within. No one would help him. This is what it literally says in the article. No one would help him because there was no fire. Somehow he had third degree burns on his neck

The animal lover took matters into his own hands To save the dog Allegedly driving his black BMW sedan Through a fence Michael's doing okay He's just having a real bad day BMW sedan On LSD and cough medicine

This is essentially a scene From the Wolf of wall street this is a deleted scene yes troopers say once orchard orchard got through the fence with his vehicle he got out went up to the back door smashed through it and went inside to save the family's large white dog i'm hoping this is like a 70 pound dog. Like a Samoyed. Is that a cookie that girls like?

You mean the best cookie that girls like? The best cookie is a Thin Mints. Frozen Thin Mints? Frozen Thin Mints. No, Samoas. Is this now a Jewish non-Jewish thing? Thin Mints versus Samoyeds? Are you going to start spray painting Samoas on Is this now a Jewish non-Jewish thing? Thin Mints versus Samoans?

Are you going to start spray painting Samoas on synagogues? You're just... If it'll get y'all to change your goddamn mind! You're literally just saying Samoa because you just saw Moana. I think you need... Is it good? It's so good. I know, The Rock.

It's so good. Let's take things that we just love so much in this world. Oh, I don't know. The Rock and Lin-Manuel Miranda. Let's just throw both of those things in there and let's animate it. Let's just fucking. And I'm on LSD right now. Jesus.

Let's get this done. Do you guys, did you ever buy into or do you still buy into The Secret? Oh, the Oprah secret. secret yeah like make a collage and all your dreams come true that whole thing i would just say i believe in putting things into the universe can we just on the very first recorded dumb people town third in the feed say we say that someday we'll have the rock on dumb people People Town. Oh my god. I would love that. Guys. I mean, he's got so much time on his hands. I don't know.

I don't know. He helped Nick Mundy. He married Nick Mundy. I saw that. That was the coolest thing ever. He's so... Would you settle for Val Venus? Yeah.

Yeah. Actually, I would settle for Val Venus. I actually would. Roman Reigns. He went inside to save the family's large white dog. Orchard was charged with second-degree burglary and third-degree burns. I mean, criminal mischief. And put in county jail on $15,000 bail.

Neighbors didn't want to go on camera because they're scared of retribution in the lightly packed development. Orchard is not to be messed with. He's an angry Orchard is not to be messed with. He's an angry orchard. Right. Oh, that'd be a great campaign. Great campaign for angry orchard. They say this next sentence

and then don't elaborate. So these people say that they don't want to be on camera because they're afraid of retribution. Several neighbors listed things orchard has allegedly destroyed in the past then they leave it at that i have no clue the havoc that he's wreaked on this non-fired town yeah it's just his reputation yes we asked sipo why there were no drug charges if orchard was

allegedly high quote he drove over yards and threw a fence. At no point was he on the roadway and no illegal substances were found in his possession. The cops are like, why don't the cops go? We don't feel like doing any paperwork. Yeah.

I was like, that's just good cop work right there. That's how you know that guy was white. What is... If he's black, they shoot him

and let the dog live. That's right. Because the dog was. That's right. Because the dog was white. All right, so. What does he have on these people in this town? Their neighbors are afraid of him. The cops don't want to mess with him.

Yeah. Is he like naked Polaroids of everybody? I mean, I don't know. And he drives a BMW so he can claim high status. Troopers say Orchard was very cooperative. Do you think he was just like, yeah, of course, guys. If you say so, fine. Whatever. The developers say they've already ordered the victims a new door the dog was unharmed i ask you gentlemen and i'd love to

get two people from the audience to chime in how old is michael orchard okay now what do we know he's spry enough to break down a door and carry a large dog he He owns a BMW, and he's lived in this town long enough to scare the shit out of people in his development. Like, part of me is kind of like, oh, is this Bruce Dern's character from the greatest Tom Hanks movie of all time, The Burbs? Maybe. Maybe. Or is it the little boy from the Twilight Zone who can banish people to the cornfield? Yes. Oh, yeah.

Maybe we have like a Damien situation here on our hands. Or does he have old man strength? You just never know. Yeah, is, yeah. Maybe we have like a Damien situation here on our hands. Or does he have old man strength? You just never know. Yeah, is it a Benjamin Button deal? Okay. I would like two new people.

We got somebody back here. Tell me your name. 44, Reed. Reed? 44. Reed is his guest. 44 is his name. That's how old we are

right now. Okay, 44 from Reed. 44 from Reed. We'll go right here to this gentleman. Jake. Jake? Jake thinks we've got

a young asshole on our hands just a real like a wall street time yes yes he's got a beard and one of those mclemore haircuts and he don't give a shit scott ragowski going with septuagenarian i'm gonna say 71 71. No way. Just kicking doors down with orthopedics. This, just like, just watch Matlock ready to beat some ass. Saving dogs, wearing shape-ups like it's nobody's business. He knows exactly which cough medicine to use. Still walks with a cane even though he doesn't need it because he uses it as a weapon. He was finishing up an episode of Matlock when he saw that house burning.

Yeah, that's right. He's the guy who personally made sure that Navy NCIS got renewed again. Yes. He has that power. He's writing angry letters about how Jag should still be on the air. Still has a subscription to Reader's Digest. Owns three shoes with loafers with tassels Really has a hard-on that he can get up every once in a while for Valerie Bertinelli Okay, Jason Sklar

I'm going to say 36 Okay, 36 from Jason You said 26? Alright, you said 44 I'm going to say 36 looks 46, but is 36. I'm going to say 52. Okay. 52 from Randy.

52. Jason. 36. 36. 26. 26 from Jake. Jake. I said 71, but I'll give it up to 78.

78. We're changing for Rex. 78. I thought about it a little more. 44 from Reed. Remember, it's just closest. We don't care about that over under BS Michael Orchard

Is 43 years old Oh shit Reed Reed Reed He gets the emu jerky You know what I call that? A good Reed

Solid Reed Alright We are in Wisconsin You know what I call that? A good read. Solid read. Solid read. All right. We are in Wisconsin, and as you know, we usually end the show with a character or two. In this case, I mean, it was a pretty big story up here nationally, and now it's a huge story here. I'm wondering if anyone has any questions for Stephen Avery, because we can get him here. We can get him here. For Making a Murderer.

I don't know if anyone... Does anybody have a question? How many people saw Making a Murderer? Okay, good, good. How many people were in Making a Murderer? Is Brendan Dassey here? No, he's not allowed to be here. So if anyone has a question for Stephen Avery...

Does anybody have a question for Stephen Avery? You want to start? Oh, right here. What's your question for Stephen? Hold on a second. So we know what Jody drinks for breakfast, but what does she have for lunch and dinner? Okay, we know what Jody drinks for breakfast, but what does Jody have for lunch? First of all, Stephen, are you there?

No. All right, Stephen. Stephen, how are you doing there? Are you doing? I'm okay. How are you? Oh, we're good. there? Yeah. All right, Steven. Steven, how are you doing there? Are you doing? I'm okay. How are you? We're good. Yeah?

Yeah. I didn't do nothing. I know. You didn't do nothing. No one is saying. You got to stop saying I didn't do nothing. I didn't do nothing. The only thing I'm guilty of is having great facial hair.

Okay. You do have interesting facial hair. You did not. I don't know if you did not do nothing. I didn't do nothing. There's nothing I didn't do. All right. By saying I didn't do nothing,

you're kind of two double negatives means you did something. Oh, yeah. There's a lot of things I did, just not that. All right. Let's not get into the things you did. I didn't do nothing.

What is something that you did do? I burned a cat once. All right. That's, again. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to do it I didn't mean it I didn't do nothing I'm stuck in here playing sorry Playing sorry all day long

I don't like it There was a question From a gentleman up front who said J do you know what Jody drink are you still with Jody do you still talk to her oh I mean we talk about it I mean what did you have any did you have a hand in in ruining that relationship or no no I didn't do nothing there just making sure so I bought a carnation once all right okay carnations like the nicest flower you can buy it I don't know I don't Just making sure. I bought her a carnation once. All right. Okay. Carnation is like the nicest flower you can buy.

I don't know. I don't think that's true. Yeah? Wait, so did you... It was yellow. All right. Okay. Well, that makes a difference. But he said...

The question was... We know what Jody drank for breakfast. What did she eat or drink for lunch or dinner typically? Oh, she liked to drink all the time. Yeah, she did like to drink all the time. Yeah, she did like to drink all the time. She always said, you know, can I get another Bloody Mary? Yeah. And then she

just put vodka in it. So her version of Bloody Mary was straight vodka. And she had little individual packets of Heinz ketchup. She just put it in there. So that to her was a Bloody Mary. Did that make you uncomfortable? I know you don't like to be around blood,

but being a Bloody Mary. I've never been around blood, never. You've never been around blood ever? No. One time I watched a guy get his finger cut off. Okay. But that's because he wouldn't sell somebody a Kit Kat.

Okay. I don't know what that means. Any other questions for Stephen Avery? Anybody? Anybody have a question for him? Yes. Just shout it out. Did aliens do it? Did aliens do it?

That's a great question. Great question. Did aliens do it? I've seen that show a lot. Ancient Aliens? Yeah. No, that's not Ancient Aliens. Yeah.

I know that's a show, but. They were like buddies with Hitler. Uh-huh. And so. No. That's not Ancient Aliens. Yeah. I know that's a show, but. They were like buddies with Hitler. Uh-huh. And so. No, that's not true. I'm pretty sure it's possible Aliens did it. You think Aliens did do it? Do you know they didn't do it?

No. Well, it's interesting that you mentioned the Aliens because that was a huge defense and argument from Ken Kratz. We happen to have Ken Kratz. Here. here with us right now. Another Wisconsin celebrity, yeah. Wisconsin celebrity.

He's with us right now. I know you gave the alien defense for a long time there, or at least tried to pose that as a ridiculous defense right there, but what do you think? Did aliens do it? Is it possible that aliens did it? I don't think it's possible.

You know for a fact that it's not possible? I don't know for a fact. So maybe, is it possible to say that you don't know for a fact that it isn't possible aliens did it? Is that a possibility? It's a possibility to say that. Okay, good offense, Russ. That's a quick defense.

So what have you been doing since the whole show blew up? Just hanging and banging. That's what we're afraid of. I did hear about that. You were hitting on battered women in a weird way. I was giving women who needed it an opportunity. Well, that's... To be with a fresh, meaty stallion like myself.

I'm the prize. I'm the prize. You are the prize. Do you think that you can just get these glasses that I got anywhere? No. Do you think that this mustache grows itself? Yeah, pretty much. That's how mustaches grow. Could be a beard, but it's a mustache.

Okay. Did aliens grow that mustache? Did they grow it? Is it possible that aliens? Do I own a silk shirt? The answer is yes Are you still playing in your band? Of course I am I'm playing in a band It's called Hard Limit

And we are predominantly The best classic rock cover band In northwestern Wisconsin That's a bold statement that is i mean well it's also a true statement okay i'm i'm the prize i'm ken kratz i'm a winner i drive a chrysler pacifica i'm the best does anyone have one last question for ken kratz anyone you got one okay go for it i'm uh vacationing in Australia next month. Yes.

I just love public toilets. I'm hoping to check out some public toilets down there. Especially around construction sites. Yeah, especially those are where you get the finest specimens. Do you have any advice for me traveling to Australia for the first time, visiting public toilets? I'll say this. Usually, when you go

into a public toilet, you might get your dick bit. From my experience, when it comes to dick biting, you're going to have to pay her extra. Ken Kratz, everyone. Ken Kratz. Ken Kratz.

You're welcome. Bye. Bye. I guess it wouldn't be a show in Wisconsin if we didn't bring in our final guest. He's a friend of the show. He started doing podcasts on our show.

I think we were the doorway, the gateway. We were the marijuana for him in terms of podcasts. And then he appeared on Doug Bentz's marijuana podcast. So we were the marijuana that led to more marijuana podcasts. Is he filming a movie up here? Probably filming one or two up here. His name is Mark Wahlberg. Would you please welcome him to the show?

Because Wahlberg is a fan. Thank you, Mark, for joining us here. How are you guys doing, you talker? Yeah, we're doing good. We're good, we're for joining us here. How you guys doing, you dog, huh? Yeah, we're doing good. We're good, we're good. Very good. What's up, dudes? We're good.

How are you doing, man? You guys been working out? The answer is no. I can tell by looking at you. Yes. You're right. Absolutely right. That is true.

None of us have been working out. You got to get on this shit. You went to Monday Night Football last Monday night? Yeah. Maybe you noticed the little Transformers, the last soldier, fucking came out? Yeah. Last night, whatever the fuck they're calling it. Yes. See how fucking good I look in that movie? You do look good in that movie.

Just me and Mosh, what's his name? Mosh or Josh Dumbbell? Who, Josh Dumbbell? I don't know what the fuck his name is. Okay, alright. He's your co-star, you don't care. No, he's a glorified background, I'm the fucking star. Okay, alright, fine. Where you, are you, do you feel like this is the best of all the transformer movies that you i mean if i'm in it it's definitely it's kind of like a whole scenario where like

what if there were only mark walbergs of all the walbergs you wouldn't be able to choose now luckily for you normal people there's a donnie yeah so Yeah. So you can see. You see the difference. Yeah, you can see the difference. But when it comes to Transformers movies that I'm in, way better than Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf. Shia LaBeouf. Yeah. Isn't that a thing in the shower?

No. The Shia LaBeouf? Yeah. No, the shower LaBeouf? No. Yeah, isn't that a thing people use? Oh, no, a loofah. Whatever. Yeah.

The Shia LaBeouf. Okay. And he's in those other fucking movies and they're nowhere near as fucking yeah no one cares about that uh are you still close with the uh patriots tom brady uh and won his 201st game he's the one oh my god did you see that shit that was good right pretty amazing fucking dominated we don't even need grok no i mean you might need grok oh i've told bel I'm like, dude, just send seven dudes out there on offense. It'll be so much more even. Only seven guys. Let's do seven on 11. Let's do convenience store this shit.

I don't give a fuck, dude. Fair enough. Fair enough. You think the Patriots are going to win it all this year? Of course they're going to fucking win it all, dude. Are you kidding me right now? Do you think they'd ever call you and be like, hey, man, listen, you're kind of like Amendola. You played Vinny Papele.

I'm sorry. You're kind of like Julian Edelman. What? I listen, you're kind of like Amendola. You played Vinnie Papali. I'm sorry, you're kind of like Julian Edelman. What? I mean, you're kind of like... You're kind of like the best we've ever fucking seen. Thank you for answering our phone call. Vinnie Papali. I'll take that. You played Vinnie Papali in a movie. Do you think they'd ever be like, listen, we need a

number three receiver here. Can you get down on the field right now? I mean, if you change that three to a one, I'm in. Appreciate that. Okay, so you you change that three to a one, I'm in. Appreciate that. Okay, so you're up here, you're out, and is it true that you're filming a movie in the Wisconsin Dells? We are, yeah.

In the Dells. In the Dells. It's a rescue movie called Ducks Go Down, where I fucking save all these old people stranded on the Wisconsin Ducks. Yeah, but they're supposed to be going down in the water on the ducks. Yeah, but they start legit fucking going down.

They go down. Yeah, like a big storm comes through on Lake Delavan, and we just start fucking saving. I mean, literally, like 20-foot swalls of water. Dude, all of it, all of it. And you save every old person. Well, Donnie's in the movie, so I save everybody but one person. Okay, all right, I got that.

Donnie live. Donnie live. It's going to be fucking good, dude. People are going to love this shit. I think they're really going to love it. God, you've made so many movies. We're about to be 2017 and how many movies do you have slated

to make in January? I mean, we're doing seven. Seven movies in January. We're making a sequel to Max Payne and The Happening called Max Happening.

It's going to be a lot of slow-mo plant fights. It's going to be fucking good. All right, last thing. Your view, just give me one quick overview before we get out of here of Madison as a town. Do you like Madison as a town? How do you feel this place is? I mean, cardio never hurt anybody.

Yeah. Oh, wow. Wow, that hurts. I love this fucking town. This is like the Austin of the North. Like, it's a great fucking place to be. There's a lot of great people here. There's a lot of outdoor activities.

And the weather forces you to run from one door to the next. That's right. They're always running. Yeah, that's what I love about it, though. Mark Wahlberg, everybody. Thank you. That's it. And we're the Sklar Brothers.

He's Scott Rogowski. He's Daniel Van Kirk. Thank you guys for the first episode of Sklar! Thank you!