Dumb People Town - Scott Thompson - Butter Him Up! (Live From SF Sketchfest)

Episode Date: February 6, 2018

This week, the Sklars and Dan Van Kirk are joined by Scott Thompson (The Kids in the Hall) live from SF Sketchfest! In Story 1, a man sets the garage on fire in retaliation after his roommate draws phallic symbols on his face while he was passed out. S...

And now for a live episode of Dumb People Town, please welcome to the stage Jason and Randy Sklar and David Daniel Van Cleer Thank you. Keep it going. I thought it was Jay Benker. Thank you. We are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make us have longer down these dumb people town. Thank you! San Francisco! Hey, townies.

Welcome to a live episode of Dumb People Town! Population U! Dumb People Town! Oh, God. I mean, could we have started off any better than with a dumb introduction that got Dan's name wrong?

That is very on brand for us. That is fine. You did it perfectly, man. That is fine. I'm a huge fan of David Van Der Beek. So is my estranged father. Hey, he left for a reason. I know.

He took one look. He was like, this kid can't even walk yet. I thought he wanted cigarettes. Could have been. E-cigarettes. Well, look, this show is... We love coming to San Francisco. There's no better town to come and do...

Well, dumb people town. Well, dumb people town is... But I do think San Francisco is... While it's getting wealthier, it's getting dumber. We know that. We know that to be a fact. We did see this, though. The tech is crazy, before we bring out our guest.

Randy and I saw, and this is incredible, we saw a guy trying to Venmo a pigeon some crumbs. Very San Francisco. Yeah, he's like, check your stomach. It's in there. It says it's there. It says it delivered. Yesterday I saw a man who did, like, on appearance, should not have had this much

confidence, walking up the Castro completely naked. Oh, I know that guy. He had some sort of rubber band apparatus around his genitalia. And the Uber driver the whole time, like the whole ride there was horrible traffic. He was like, fuck this dude. Fuck this guy.

Fuck this man. Fuck you, bro. Like yelling at everybody. But then I see the naked guy and I go, why is there a naked man walking up the street? And he goes, my friend, why not? Yeah. I love that he was cool with that yeah that i loved it too i was like you're right you're right why the hell not why not he had a hat on so i guess he wasn't

completely you can leave your hat on don't don't start that oh sorry uh well we it's great because this show is about dan randy and uh myself, Dave, Randy, and me. Breaking down all the stories, but we always get help from someone. We are so lucky to have someone that we have known for a long time, been a fan of long before we even knew him, and then worked together in New York years ago and have just loved him ever since. I would say in the pantheon of comedy. He is up there as one of the best people

and literally one of the best people to do this show because of his sharp wit. Would you please welcome our friend Canadian Scott Thompson. Scott Thompson! He lives. Scott, Scott. Welcome to town.

Welcome to town, Scott. Thank you. You make me want to be a better gay. Well, you can start by having sex with me. Okay. I have been trying since Caroline. It's not just a dream on the other side. And you have my rubber band.

Oh, folks. And I will never give it back. You saw me doing my warm-up. I wore them out before my show. Those were your vocal exercises? Why did you have to be naked for that? I vocalized through my testing. They talk so much, I've got to put a band around it.

That's right, you've got to clamp down on it. It's not to help with erections. it's just to stop all the talking. I know. I thought it was a travel band. At Sklar Brothers. Why? Why? S-K-L-A-R-O-T-H-ers.

Well, there is a lot of lore in this, and we've got you guys here. It's live. It's live. It's wonderful. We have the Dumb People Town Facebook page, which is definitely used a lot by one of the greatest characters of a story that we've ever had, Jan Flato. His name is Jan Flato.

We explained upstairs to Scott who Jan Flato is. If you don't remember who he is, do we have a picture? Actually, I have better than that. One of our our townies who actually joined us when we did a dumb people town hall in Houston okay made a poster for one of our friends shows but it's so good that we need to showcase it here okay let's see it this you'll get to see everything damn it up and by the way this is great

Damn, hold it up. And by the way, this is great. Tell people what they're experiencing right now. Explain it to them. I almost can't. Is this Django Flato? Jan Flato. DJ A.N. Flato. It's like Django Unchained.

Hold it up higher. And yes, he has been through what is probably equivalent to slavery. He looks like Kathleen Turner in drag. Or Kathleen Turner. If you've seen her recently. That's our brother's job. Jan was in a casino with a person that he had been a very good friend to

by his account. Let's call her what she was a Russian hooker place a place to bet into a slot machine that he won't I should take this back he paid for it he let her push the button they won a hundred grand she said we're gonna split it she went to the cashier got all the money then made security todayain him while she left. Okay. Jan, not happy about it. Jan,

now a very, very solid candidate for mayor of Dump People Town. A member of our community on the Facebook page. And it's fun to come up with just things about Jan Flato that you may not know. Like, for example, Jan... Do we have a picture of him? Can we get him that you may not know. Do we have a picture of him? Can we get him up on the screen?

We do not have a picture of him. But just trust me, he is what your dreams are. Good work. When you see a picture of him, you know why he needs hookers. Yeah, that's right. He's got to pay for it. Jan Flato's cell phone holster is ridiculously bedazzled. Yeah, I know.

Jan Flato had a gecko for a pet but quote unquote lost him in his basement for two years. Jan Flato is party in the front and party in the back. Jan Flato is an unlicensed doula. Jan Flato has seen the movie Roadhouse over a hundred times and he doesn't think Jeff Healy

is actually blonde. Jan Flato wears brass knuckles on his left hand and punches with his right. Jan Flato yells at people who just order water at Starbucks. Jan Flato hopes this rollercoaster breaks down. Jan Flato is a Civil War reenactor

reenactor. He reenacts Civil War reenactments. Jan Flato once started his War reenactor reenactor. He reenacts Civil War reenactments. Jan Flato once started his own company of funnel cakes. Jan Flato believes the sun is flat. That's good. You have more? Oh, more. Go back to them.

Jan Flato once ordered a keg of O'Doul's for a house party just to see which of his friends fake being drunk. Jan Flato, despite everyone telling him to stop, calls his trans-am Caitlyn Jenner. It's transitioning. I always thought American drag was Canada. Jan Flato has a b-monthly menstrual cycle. Jan Flato was voted most popular senior one year after he graduated high school.

Hung around a lot. Jan Flato, for years, has been calling the third month of the year the Women's March. Jan Flato has two nephews, but 17 people that call him Uncle Jan. There are at least three waffle houses in Florida that will not serve Jan Flato after midnight. Jan Flato thinks the flight attendants on Southwest Airlines are very funny.

That's gold. Jan Flato doesn't trust birds. Not a bird guy. Jan Flato celebrates Cuatro de Mayo, too. Jan Flato never served in the U.S. military, but he was dishonorably discharged from the Marines

last year. If you hold a mirror to Jan Flato, you know what you'd see? You guys know what you'd see? What? Jan Flato. He's not a vampire, guys,

although he will not enter your house unless you formally invite him. Jan Flato is about to complete a punch card for a Baskin Robbins. Jan Flato... Jan Flato, still undecided.

Jan Flato hasn't worn shorts in two decades. Last year, Jan Flato drank queso dip through a straw at a Super Bowl party. Jan Flato, everybody! There he is. I love him. I love him, too.

So we get all these amazing stories sent to us by you guys, our dumb ears on the ground, and we try and break them down because we believe that the world is getting dumber. Do you agree with that, Scott Thompson? What? I didn't understand the question.

Is the world getting dumber or is dumber getting louder or Thomas fighting smart and dumb is winning for some reason right now I think dumber dumbest being it's being elevated I think that's what is people are worshiping dumb more people are worshiping done that's actually we have not thought of it that it's a great way to put it so we have the story sent to Dan and we have not read them Scott Scott Thompson has not read them, but Dan has cursory read them. So we are going to now, with your help and as

we figure this out, try and break down some stories. Should we get into one? You guys want to get into a story? Let's do it. This was sent in by one of our townies. Brett Fast at B-A Fast. F-A-S-T. Do you think it's because he's fast?

That's his last name. He doesn't eat. Either. Why not? He eats every day as Yom Kippur for this guy. Two Jews in San Francisco. Still made the joke. That's good.

Yeah, stick to it. At Sklar Brothers. Wait a minute. I'm going to read the first six words of this story and it could go anywhere after his roommate drew phallic symbols that could go anywhere

on his face I thought it was going to be on his penis that would defeat the purpose like a Nike symbol on your Nike after his roommate drew phallic symbols on his face while he was passed out. I would like to say

I've you see this sort of shit on the internet all the time and if anybody listening or in this room has these type of friends guess what?

They're not your friends. No. Never were. I've never had a friend that I've seen do this to a friend of mine. Nobody's ever done this to me. If you did I'm fucking done with you no I can't sleep around you yeah that's where we're

at that I can't take a goddamn nap and truly it's not even the phallic symbol on the face it's writing on someone's face yes yes that is the issue that I have right I hope that there's like three townies who are like I think that's the greatest fucking joke there is. That's it. Good for you. After his roommate drew phallic symbols on his face while he was passed out last weekend. But phallic symbols, you mean penises? Yeah, penises. Penises are just penises. Yeah, I agree.

But they're not really phallic symbols. It would have to be something else that represents... Like if they do CN Towers on it. Washington Monuments. Washington Monuments on his face. You can just say Cox, Ken. I know. Or just say now.

I feel like the most efficient way is to be like, after his friends American vandaled his face, just say that. Say it. With the hair. After they drew dicks on his face while he was passed out last weekend. There we go.

A Snowmass Village man. Snowmass. Snowmass is in like... This is the Aspen time. Like a snowman gets a tumor? No, no, no. Snowmass. Sit down, Frosty. I've got some horrible... You've got a mask you can't explain.

And he's like, am I melting? Worse. So after his... This is a Snowmass Village man. So this is an Aspen. I still don't understand Snowmass. It's the name of the town. Snowmass Village. Somewhere in Colorado.

It's a benign little town. After his quote-unquote... Why? Why? Because you like that. And then you guys laugh at him. Scott's like, that's not right. I moved to Canada because I had cancer in 2009.

Okay. So after this Snowmass Village mountain who had dicks all over his face, after he found that out, he set fire to the garage of the home that he shared in retaliation according to... We always hurt the people we love the most.

Ourselves. Right. This guy is the first to pass out. So all of his most beloved people in his life are like, let's drop dicks on him. His roommate. He wakes up, someone either tells him or he sees it and then decides to himself,

I'm going to go set the fucking garage on his head. My garage. Which is the house he also lives in. that's right you got to use that garage somehow and but he doesn't own it because it's roommates right so he definitely doesn't own the place right so that's smart too yeah exactly there goes the deposit it goes to security deposit yeah like I had an apartment I'd like had one like thick nail in my wall and had a hole about that big, and we lost our security.

Yes. I'm pretty sure burning down the garage means you don't get it back. Burning down the garage. Yes. Okay. Stephen Elmore is facing felony charge of first-degree arson

according to an affidavit filed Monday in the Pitkin County District Court. They should make him leave the dicks on his face when he goes to court. You know what I mean? Well, he would just as... Look at what they did. I mean...

A snow mask... This is what a snow mask village police officer said. I asked Elmore what started the fire. I hope he said... We didn't start the fire. I asked Elmore what started the fire and he said it was just like by her drawing penises

on my face. Her. Her. Now I suddenly love this story. Oh my god. This is like Me Too times 10

without revenge. It's awesome. Payback. Wow, women are doing everything now. Yes. I like this. Sisters doing it

for themselves. To him, literally, he was like, what started the fire? She drew dicks on my face. That's what started the fire. No, there's a middle man here. You are that man. I asked Elmore

if he was just really pissed off. I already like this cop. I love this article. It's like the most personal account. What's his first name Steven Steven or Stefan so Steven your living situation is happening your living situation is happening and you're living with a woman that's fantastic you got your together right no so many times you said we, we're together, and she said, no, we're roommates. Every time we go to Olive Garden,

I say, Elmore party at two, and she's like, no, we're not together. Two individual parties at one. She makes you do two individual parties at one. She gets her own goddamn buzzer. All right, okay, she gets her own beeper at the restaurant, fine. But you figure, it's a woman, she's not going to do anything crazy to you.

You'd think. I asked Elmore if he was just... The cop being like, so what's the deal, man? You just really pissed off? And he said, this is what Elmore said to him. Yeah, come on, man. This is bullshit. You're like... Was that in the article?

You got to remember, he has dicks all over his face while talking to the cop about what was bullshit. What am I supposed to do with it? The question is, did she write it in Sharpie I mean that really she did she did it in soldering pen this is for James Franco like all of that it's all coming to roost on his forehead officers and firefighters were dispatched to the home on the 100 block of stallion circle that is definitely where Stephen Elmore lives yeah it is put that on the walking tour.

Stallion Circle. That's what she put on his forehead. Put a stallion circle. A resident told police, the flames reach three to four feet high. I'm not trying to minimize a fire, but is that that impressive? Three to four feet?

When a fire is no higher than a hedge. Yeah. You might as well, like, camp by it if it's only three to four feet high. Higher than a geranium. Oh, that doesn't seem like a big fire at all. Get everybody out right away. I hope the cop was like, so you tried

to burn the garage down? No, I burned it down. Like, sorry, but it's only like three or four feet. When you have a fire three to four feet high, the only thing you're in danger of is an acapella group gathering around it and starting to sing a song like in Rocky IV. That's it.

That is it. Your house isn't going down. Some great acapella version of a Lion King song. Saturday, the affidavit states, the resident told police the flames reached three to four feet high, discolored the garage ceiling. Not the ceiling. Because you know how you walk into every garage and you feet high, discolored the garage ceiling. Not the ceiling.

Because you know how you walk into every garage and you're like, what's up with this? Is the color okay? All right, honey, what are you doing out there? I'm just checking, making sure the uniformity of the color of the ceiling in the garage is okay. We're not putting an offer down on this place if this garage ceiling isn't on fucking point. Yeah. The garage ceiling was discolored and appeared to have been fed by shoes and other items stored in the garage. The residents had

managed to extinguish the fire themselves before firefighters arrived and the damage was kept to a three by three foot section of the garage. It was a geranium. It literally was a geranium sized fire. With all the wildfires in California,

this just gives you perspective. You know what I mean? It's like, yes, we lost everything in Santa Rosa, but this guy, what he had to go through. Was there a leak that turned into a mudslide afterwards? A mud trickle? Three feet. Three feet.

More of a puddle that moved. Exactly. He started a garbage can fire and sank doo-wop around it Inside the garage Yes, that's it Also, they put it out before Like, see if you can put it out Before you call the fire department That's right

So why is the cop even there? That's my question Why did the cop get there? Five people were at the residence At the time of the emergency When officials arrived One of them A 31-year-old man

That's all we know about him I know that guy officials arrived. One of them, a 31-year-old man, that's all we know about him. I know that guy. He told police he'd been drinking earlier in the evening upstairs at the residence with the group that included Stephen Elmore and another man. So

the 31, I'm going to paint this for you. You have two ways to define yourself. You're 31 and you've been drinking. Right. That's your whole MO. Hey, what's your name? I think you fucking know me by now, dude. 31.

You know my work. So there's a trash can fire being put out in the garage. Stephen Elmore has dicks all over his face and is really pissed off. He's over probably somewhere at the end of the driveway. Then a 31-year-old man is talking to the cops that's all we know at some point steven elmore began yelling at the 31 year old man and shoved him accusing him of being the one to draw the dicks on his face okay which i hope the cop was like steven let's just be honest you don't know who drew the dicks on yeah Because now you're pushing everybody.

You're saying it was her, and now you're fighting my 31-year-old friend. Right? I could see this guy drunk and kind of confident just walking down to the cops like, What's going on? Yeah. What's up? Hey, my Saturn's already returned. What are you guys talking about over here?

I'm 31. The man shoved Elmore back, while the other man, that's all we know about him, this is the third guy, attempted to break them apart. The fact that the cops just stood back and let these three drunk idiots work it out. And you know, like, the holding them back itself got super aggressive, too.

You know, like, he's like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you. And then these guys need to be separated by someone else. 31-year-old guy, leave him alone. He's just really pissed. Hey, hey, hey, you. And then these guys need to be separated by someone else. 31-year-old guy, Lou Maloney's just really pissed. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Now enter, no name given, a 37-year-old woman. Who identified herself as the homeowner. So we're going to call her homeowner for the rest of this.

And she's at her sexual peak right now. 37. I hope she's been at it forever. Own it. I mean, she is coming in hot. Like ovaries on fire. What if she's mad that other people are getting credit for the dicks on the face?

That was me, you asshole. Yeah, let's take a handwriting test on this shit. Yeah, it's like all we have is our art, people. The homeowner reported to police that she told Elmore at the time that she drew balls on his face with a marker while

he was passed out in the living room. You know it's going to be fun when the next sentence starts like this. If it's drawn on your face, can that be considered is that teabagging or is that just iced tea? Aunt Sklarva. What were you going to say, Scott? Nothing, I was just thinking of iced tea

this was drifting off imagining that 31 year old and elmore fighting another guy we know nothing about tries to break them up the 37 year old woman comes out also if you're keeping track the cops have done nothing to intervene no they're just watching just watching this happen. I don't understand. She drew balls on his face? Who drew the penis? I don't know. I hope it was a two-part line. Was it just his nose looked like a penis? Oh, that'd be good. And the balls are down here.

Or maybe God drew the penis and it was the immaculate erection. Nobody drew the penis There was a part where I thought The audience all together was going to say At Sklaro You're allowed to shout it out, I'm sorry So she comes in, she says

She walks into the little scuffle fight that's going on And she says, hey you fuckers I'm the one that drew balls on his face While he was passed out in the living room And here's what I love, the next sentence starts At that point Elmore went downstairs to his room Next to the garage face while he was passed out in the living room. And here's what I love. The next sentence starts, At that point, Elmore went downstairs to his room next to the garage

and ten minutes later... Oh, I guess we've time jumped here. This is like fucking Quantum Leap. So he wakes up. She says, I drew balls on your face. Isn't that great? He goes downstairs next to his room, which is next to the garage. That's Mike Seaver living right

there but minutes later they all smelled smoke after discovering the fire the man who broke up the fight found Elmore lying on a bed and kicked him out of the house he gets balls and possibly dicks drawn on his face starts a fire then loses his home all in one night yeah that's a trifecta that's a great night yeah Elmore was not present at the home when police initially got there but he walked up not too long after wearing only socks what's going on in my house i have a right to know i have to be up in the castro in an hour and i gotta get these socks off.

You better figure this shit out. Elmore stumbled as he walked. He had slurred speech and smelled of alcohol. Logic, of course. If he didn't, that would be a new story. He denied initially setting the fire, then attempted to change tactics with the officers. That's the best. When any drunk person is like,

I'm gonna try this. Scott, have you ever been so drunk that you're just like, I can can't believe I don't know what I'm doing at this point you fit in this town perfect initially he did I denied standing fire then try to change tactics this is what the cop says he then said to me can you just work with me bro the cop was like cop. I hope the cop is like, of course. That's what we do. I'll be working to get your head down into the car. Yeah, and I'll work with you on that.

Later in the interview, Elmore said, quote, I had no intention of burning down the house or anything. Then he said, quote, I'm going to read this all together. I had no intention of burning down the house or anything. If we could just put this in the past, I'd really appreciate it.

Hey guys, bygones be bygones. Bygones be bygones. Isn't that what Harvey Weinstein said? Too soon? Yes. A minute later. That's definitely what he said. He definitely said that.

A minute later, Elmore again denied setting the fire and said he definitely said that you're right a minute later elmore again denied setting the fire and said he had no idea how it started this guy goes to i set that fucking fire can you work with me for a sec you work with me for a sec uh i didn't start i don't know who started it he was then arrested and taken to jail i am now going to bring up a photo of him let's take a look at ste Elmore. And I'm going to ask you guys ready? Hit it. Austin, you got me? How old is Stephen Elmore? See, now this is one of those

photos where you look at him. That guy could be I don't want to say. He could be anything. He could be in an improv group. I hope if you're... I want to feel like in between the time that he went downstairs, he tried to shave. And got like some of his cheek, a little bit of his neck.

He looks like every guy that works at GameStop. Why would I do my fucking hair, bro? Yeah. Okay. This is the guy who thinks Rogue One is the best Star Wars. Scott Thompson, you are our guest. So you have the right to go first, third, or Tig in guessing how old Tig means second. Because Tig Notaro was the first person to do that.

Between me and Jason. You have to guess how old this guy is. How old do you think this man is? Based on everything you know. He's got roommates. He's renting a room by the garage. He thinks setting a fire is a good idea He had dicks drawn on his face

He has a 31 year old friend A 37 year old friend And an unknown age friend I'll go Tig This guy is 29 years old 29 years old Like a bad 29 29 and 3 credits shy.

Yeah. 29 and kicked out of the University of Phoenix. Oh, you're next. You're second. I'm going to say this is an 11-year-old who's had a very hard life. Two years away from his bar mitzvah 11 that's a fake beard. That's that's been painted on Just like the dicks Who drew the penis if she drew the balls I don't know. Maybe that's why the mystery this is

If she drew the balls, who drew the penis? I don't know. Maybe that's why this is a mystery. This is... But I wonder if that's like if she doesn't take credit for the penis, like it's like taking the keys out of the car when you're drunk. Yeah. She'd go all the way to admit that she did. I just drew the balls.

What, are you going to convict me for that? Right. So you think he's really 11 years old? He's 11. 11. Definitely 11. Why not? Kids are going through pubic a lot earlier.

Yes. Different thing. Randy Sklar? I think this guy is 35 years old. 35. And got fired from the guitar center. Yeah. Twice.

Twice. He talked his way back into his job and got fired that same day. But still goes there every Saturday to hang out with his friends. Yeah. You guys need help organizing the drumstick? No, we don't. We do not. Hey man, I'll show you where the strings are. No, no, no. Okay, so Jason, you said what?

I said 29. Okay, 11 from Scott. Scott says 11. Randy, what did you say? 35. I want to get two people, two of our townies here in the audience to guess. Does anybody have a guess? They want to take a guess. Do not yell out. What do you think? This is a free-for-all?

You couldn't yell out. Okay, let's go right here. I bet she's drawn a dick on someone's face. Kathy, welcome to town. How old do you think Stephen Almore is? 32. Let's go to the gentleman right behind you. What's your name, brother? Jake. And you're going Jesus age.

The age Jesus was when he died, 33. And both of them, very similar lives. That's true. Yeah, they both... Homeless. Judas drew a dick on his face. Oh, yeah. A figurative dick, Judas.

It was actually like a dick pointing somewhere to lead the Pharisees to him. Jesus is this way. That's a cock. No, that's an arrow. It's an arrow and balls. All right? You know, the way arrows have balls on them.

Okay, I'm going to tell you now. Stephen Elmore. Where is it? I don't know. It's somewhere. I think I know. I know I'm going to be right. Stephen Elmore.

Scott, did you just say I know? I know I'm right. Now I want Scott to be right. I know I'm going to be right. Steven Elmore. Scott, did you just say I know I'm right? I know I'm right. Now I want Scott to be right. I know I'm right. Scott has all the confidence of Steven Elmore before he passed out. You guys care if I sleep here in the living room? Go for it. Go for it, man.

We're not going to do anything. It's your house too, man. What's the most it can add to you? You're a roommate here just as much as this unidentified 31-year-old man. Sometimes you pay rent. All right. Stephen Elmore. Fingers crossed.

Is 25 years old. Oh! The audience. Can I post this? No, it's me. I was four years old. How many people swear this guy was north of 33? Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah. All of us. That's what hard living looks like, all right? That's why you take north of 33. Oh, yeah. That's what hard living looks like, alright? That's why you take care of yourself. 25 years old. This motherfucker just started renting a car and is still on his parents' insurance.

No, this is the picture they should show you when you're like, did you get your steps in today yet? You don't want to look like this. That's 25. Put this up there. Once a week, this guy calls his mom and says, Dad just said he won't give me more money.

I want to email this picture to Judd Apatow and be like, this is 40. Right here. This. That's story one, guys. There he goes. All right. Take a break. All right, everybody listening at home

Welcome back to Dumb People Town Our guest here Great break Some people in the audience stretched We got so much done We are so happy to be here at San Francisco Sketch Fest Jay and I have been doing this Sketch Fest Since 2003

This specific one Just kidding it's been going on for a long time San Francisco Sketch Fest. Jay and I have been doing this Sketch Fest since 2003. How great. This specific one. Just kidding. It's been going on for a long time. And we are so happy to be here with our guest Scott Thompson who has the reissue of your fantastic book, which by the way, we both own. We both own your book and

everybody out there should get it. Tell everybody what it is. It's the Buddy Cole book. It's the autobiography of Buddy Cole. It's the autobiography of Buddy Cole. It's the autobiography of Buddy Cole. It's called Buddy Babylon, and they're re-releasing it this year, the 20th anniversary. How fun. Amazing. Yes. And you did your show last night upstairs at Cafe du Nord, which was sold out.

How fun is it to do that character, or how does the character, it changes with all the stuff that's going on right now. Oh, no, he doesn't. He doesn't change. No, he's not woke. But he's got all the stuff that's going on right now. Oh, no, he doesn't. He doesn't change. No, he's not woke. But he's got so much, he's not woke at all. But is he, but he, there's so much to talk about. There is.

That's why I brought him back, because I just feel like this is the time for him. Yes. Because he can say anything. It's amazing. Born originally out of a character that you did on Kids in the Halls. Yes, yes.

Yeah, and just. It was the first character I ever really created. Really? That's amazing. First real character. I've been doing it forever. Amazing. And I mean, some of the greatest. Were you amazed at... I have a question about this from Kids in the Hall. Were you amazed at the characters that

hit? You can't predict what's going to actually latch on. No, you can't. I guess, you know, like the crushing your head guy. That was the biggest thing ever from us. And I don't think any of us ever expected that. Ever knew that. No, you can't. I guess, you know, like the crushing your head guy, that was the biggest thing ever from us. And I don't think any of us ever expected that. Ever knew that. No, no. And then there was the guy with the dicks on his face.

I would take off. The 11-year-old. That just took off. I'm crushing your dickhead. I'm crushing. But really cool. So it's going to come out this year, the reissue of the book. That's phenomenal. I actually, not only do I remember reading it, it is

really funny. It is, it's you in every sense of the word. Did you read it? Did you, is it on Audible? I mean, let's talk about that for a minute. You should narrate it as an audio book. That is what I want to do. I want to do buddy. Okay, Audible. Because the whole book is written as if it's like a monologue and he's whispering in your ear.

You've just had amazing sex with him. I quit smoking, so I'm going to talk for seven hours. I've got a martini. That has to happen on Audible. All right, let's make that happen. It is a long monologue. It is a really long monologue. It's a fantastic book.

So look for that, Buddy Babylon. Do we have another story, Daniel? We don't. That's it. Okay. See you guys later. Just kidding. We've got three.

You ready for a second one? Yes, we are. Here we go. Sent in by Seth Kirk. I love half of his last name. Seth Van Kirk. I half love his last name. Okay.

Anyway. At MovieSeth26. Thanks, Seth. Here we go. Sometimes in life, you have days where everything goes perfectly. Who the fuck wrote this? Yeah, I would disagree. Tony Robbins?

Like, I don't... And you end up feeling like a superhero. That's not true either. Never, not once have I ever felt like that. Okay, again, reminding people, this is a crime article. All right. And this is somebody did something wrong and this is the start of it.

Then there are times when you try to hurdle the gates at the London Underground and get your dick stuck in the barriers. Okay. All right. All right. It's that second part coming around the corner. Hilariously, is it for that guy?

That's not hilarious for that person. That's exactly what happened to this young man when he apparently tried to jump over the barriers to avoid paying for the London Underground. Oh, yes. It left him in an extremely compromising position and a lot of pain and needing police officers and transport for London workers,

plus I'm assuming two to three dozen people who just wanted to watch. People re-upping their Oyster cards. To pull him out. So this guy, I'm going two to three dozen people who just wanted to watch. It's people re-upping their oyster cards. To pull him out. So this guy, I'm going to give you a little thing. To pull him out so he's stuck in there. It's a slide. How did his penis get stuck? Was it outside of the pants?

No, it's in the pants, which must be a rough problem to have. Well, the material must be very thin. Very thin. It's a linen pants. Two doors that slide back or maybe open. So there's maybe like a small sliver of space between the doors. And as he tried to jump over, his dick and or beans went into that slip between and then couldn't go back or forward. Causing him to rethink everything he's done his whole life.

Austin is running a tech for us here. Let's go to the first picture of this man stuck. Scott just said I can't picture. So where is the penis? Go to the next one, Austin. So that guy on top is the one with the penis? Let's go back if we can.

So he tried to get over it. You can kind of see to the left there's like a half of one of the doors and it's the Lion King. Of course. What better than a children's musical to clamp down on your dick? His balls are the circle of life. He tries to go over and I'm imagining the space

It's the space between Dave Matthews. Those aren't linen pants. Those are non-linen pants. Because he has an enormous dick I'm assuming. He's got to. He's got to. the space between Dave Matthews. Those aren't linen pants. Those aren't linen pants. Because he has an enormous dick, I'm assuming. He's got to. I'm going to read this as we take in how beautiful that image is. Not everyone was feeling sympathetic as cheeky TFL workers.

What's your question? I can't believe you don't have a picture from the other side. A radio artist needs to know that they're photographing from behind. We need to see the front picture. We need to see the front. We need to see the penis. Well, as cheeky TFL workers, what is TFL? Something London underground. What is TFL?

Transport. The one hand there is pinching like it's tiny, which is quite confusing. Transport for London. Transport for London. I love that the people you don't want to yell out are always really loud, and the people who can help you are like, Transport for London. I love that the people you don't want to yell out are always really loud And the people who can help you are like I have not seen the movie yet But I think this is the plot of the Winston Churchill movie

This is the darkest hour This is his darkest hour We will not be defeated People decided to film him During this horrendous embarrassing public moment The video was posted on Facebook By a man who wrote This guy tried to jump the gates

and got his manhood stuck. Filmed at Covenant Garden tube station, the clip shows officers supporting the man's legs and trying to ease him out. In the meantime, a crowd of onlookers have gathered, with one helpfully shouting, get some butter, butter him up.

Laughter Laughter Laughter Get some butter. Get some butter. Butter him up. All right. I hate it. Get some butter. Get some butter. Get some butter.

Right? Butter his dick up. The butter's staying. Put some dick, put a little dick butter. What, bro? That's someone who's done that before. Like, you know,

like, if they're going immediately to butter, they know. I don't know why my mind just went to, what if, like, this is now the, I would think this would be

the worst thing in the world. If he gets out and this is now the way he needs to get off yeah so like because like sex with one person that's hard enough to pull off for a lot of people but he now needs like a crowd of people a Facebook post I'm gonna get it a butter like he can't do that all right well that's the best part because for your viewing pleasure here's the video with his dick stop it crank it up austin this is going to be so good we're going to take a second to cue this you get the full thing look out for the part where people are yelling get them butter and in the end where he hugs the bald businessman who saved his life and he

loves him as though Rose had shared that fucking table with Jan So he recorded the intro. See the bald guy? That is Winston Churchill. No, that's the old guy from Betty Hill. That's Gary Oldman just doing a character. This is a scene from The Crown. The Crowning. Where is the Venus? The Venus is...

He starts screaming in pain. I want someone else to try and jump through and get stuff. Oh, oh. Where is it? Oh, God. Oh, my God. Have you guys heard it?

Butter mop, butter mop, butter mop. Look at this guy to the left. He's like, this shit's real. Oh my god. Oh my god. You guys heard it? Look at this guy to the left. He's like, this shit's real. That guy to the left is standing there like it's... He doesn't even know what to watch. This is like one of those things where a line forms and you don't know what. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh my god. Alright, take it.

Is he out? Is he out? This is like watching my daughter being born. Same video. Someone's like, get the butter. Someone's like, butter up. Sigourney Weaver to do what? He's going to narrate this like it's Planet Earth.

He's out, guys. He's out guys that one cannot stand he is so lucky he's in so much pain oh god wait for it now at some point

there seems to be like a fight like somebody says something like oh you fucked that fucking turnstile he's gonna get mad whoa what wait a minute wait a minute it's my turnstile

you can't fight oh hey hey okay ready here we go this is the most beautiful hug He's gonna get mad. Whoa, what? Wait a minute, wait a minute. It's my turn soon. You can't fight. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey. Okay, ready? Here we go. This is the most beautiful hug you've ever seen in your life. Here it comes.

Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. That's real. That's real. That's real. Real talk. Now he almost collapses again. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. How sweaty is that guy? Wow. Unbelievable. Did they charge him afterwards or did they let him go? They let him go. I think he had suffered enough.

I think that was penitive damage. Thank you so much. Everyone say it. AdSlar Brothers. Thank you. Tweet at us, please. You know he had a friend who got through first and was like, hurry the fuck up, dude.

He's like, I think I'm having sex with this turnstile. And the friend that got through was a woman and she got stuck too. That makes some point. Is that too soon? Too soon for the women's march. You understand. That's story get it. We understand.

All right, that's story number two. Story number two. Oh, my God. Poor guy. Do you have any dumb stories that don't involve penises? No, because we knew you were going to be our guest. Actually, our third story involves penises as well. Fine with me.

Good. Fine with me. He said good. No, I'm a poor guy. All right, there you go. Segment two, guys. How about it? There you go.

And before we take this break, if you're here with us, it's one of the best things about Dumb People Town Hall. Have your headlines and short stories ready, because after story three, we're going to go to you guys and see what you brought into town. And if you want to be a part of this in one month, join us in Brooklyn. Real town meeting. That's right. All right, guys.

Let's take a break. All right, guys. Welcome back. Oh, my God. How about another break? We are back Are we back? Back with Scott Thompson

Who can be followed on the Twitters At Scott Thompson underscore I made a mistake one time Who was that Scott Thompson? A dentist Who was supposed to be here tonight but cancelled He got his penis caught In some sort of equipment

He's got his penis caught In the laughing gas Yes Someone drew a water pick On my face When I passed out And it was that Son of a bitch

No that's a water pick No it's a water pick Yeah It was a dentist At Scott Thompson Underscore Underscore Underscore. Daniel, what do we got left?

Okay, here we go. This was sent in by Linda Hartman at L-K-H-T-M-N. For older people, her Twitter handle should have been Linda Hartman, Linda Hartman. For older people, thank you. Scott got it. I got it.

Okay. I've it. Okay. I've read every story we've ever done, believe it or not. This story made me laugh multiple times while reading it. And make faces like I can't believe someone put these words together

in a sentence. Here we go. As we look back on 2017, it's time to learn what America shoved inside itself. All of the below information is taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database

of emergency room visits, and they are occasionally not for the faint of spirit. If you haven't finished eating here at Cobb's Comedy Club, tell them they can take it away now. Wrap up that panini. If you're eating on your work lunch, if you're eating on your work lunch while listening to this,

just go for a walk. Walk around the cubicles. Quote, this is what the person who wrote this said, before we get into the list of what people put and wear. This is what they wrote. If I may offer one universally piece of good advice, it would be to make sure the bass is flared.

Scott is nodding, approving. Scott is like, yes. That's not funny at all. That is true. I'm going to go through these. I want you guys on stage to stop when you have something you'd like to say.

Feel free. If you're in the audience, and you need to throw up, lean forward. Just do it on the person in front of you. We're all friends. As always, I love that the preserver says,

as always. This must be preserve this as always I didn't this must be some tradition that they put together as a whole as always objects are sorted by orifice working south okay so we go stop so that top down in 2017 here's what we put inside ourselves let's start with the ear good Good It's got just a very soft good I think I know what he's going to say Bobby pin Small red toy Now

I need so much more information What's the toy? Was it a dreidel? What Small red toy Some of these are just in quotes from what was said on the report. Quote,

was running with a stick in ear fell striking wall. Whoa. To me, that's a metaphor for what America did. We tried to run with a fucking stick in our ear and we fell flat.

They built the wall. They built the wall. Guess who had the stick in our ear? Guess who had to pay for it? We did. Bread. Battery. Quote. Wait, did you say bread? Bread.

Where did they put the bread? In their ear. What kind of bread? Was it a bun? No idea. Was it a baguette? Was it like a bread stick? It's got to be a bread stick, right? I hope it was a bread stick.

It happened at an Olive Garden and they had an endless supply. It wasn't like a loaf or like... Because like a big soft loaf of bread, that's not going to do anything. You can take bread, you can roll it, get into a little tube,

then you can stick it in. That actually would work as a Q-tip. Yes. I think that's what they're going-tip yeah that's what I was thinking battery quote fell asleep with a pencil poked in right ear pencil lead in ear canal Oh broom straw slim metal rod quote Slim Metal Rod was the sequel to Full Metal Jack I remember that It was so

Very scary It was about the Gulf War The suicide scene was touching Quote Stuffed paper towel in ears to act as ear plugs Because roommate was snoring Unable to get it out of ear Putty And I think they mean the character from Seinfeld earplugs because roommate was snoring unable to get it out of ear Oh putty and

I think they mean the character from science oh yeah literally what am I supposed to be a war board come on a bean gasoline in left ear while changing fuel filter pencil shavingsem of a plastic flower. Rainwater. Rainwater? That seems nice. That sounds like a... They fell asleep outside? I guess. It's like a Purell commercial.

Two stickers stuck together. Two stickers and that's where you roll it up, Scott. And then you jam it in. Quote, googly eye inside his right ear and another through his nose. I mean, if you're going to do it, let's do it.

What's a googly eye? Googly eye is one of those little... Off of a puppet, like those little eyes that goes all over the place. Where the black part of the inside can bounce around. Okay. I love that us trying to explain that to Scott was... I still don't get it.

Still has no idea. Does everybody know what a googly eye is? Right, you guys know what a googly eye is, right? I love that us trying to explain that to Scott was very crucial to every preschool does everybody know what a googly eye is? you guys know what a googly eye is? it would have been easier for us to describe football to Scott when did this become popular googly eyes? I think it's just part of puppets mainly like a puppet

this is a puppet show right after this they're just early they always say it's Francisco, big puppet town. Big time puppet town. Moving on to the nose. Puppet fest. Someone's always got their hand up. San Francisco.

Was the one in the nose and the one in the ear, were they linked? The final one was. He had one googly eye in the nose and one in the ear. But now we're moving on to just nose. I can't get past googly eyes. Here we go. You're gonna.

Okay. We've got three Orpahs to go after this. I think, yeah. Nose, here we go. Candy wrapper. Fuzzy arts and crafts ball. I think, yeah. Nose, here we go. Candy wrapper. Fuzzy arts and crafts ball. Yeah.

Shoved, this is a quote, shoved plastic toy up in both nostrils. Gum. Pink balloon. Does it matter? No. What kind of a balloon is it? Is it pink?

He's all right. Both of them leave it. You're fine. But was it blown up or was it deflated? Ooh, maybe they were trying that once it was in. I think it went in deflated. If it went in blown up, that's awesome. I think he stuck it up one nostril and then the other part, the other nose tried to blow Blow it up through their nose, yeah.

That would be a good trick. That would be great. Here's one. This might be the worst one of all of them if you really think about it, but trust me, there's ones that sound worse. Wad of hair. Why? Well, people stick up their nose.

My wife now, and when we were dating early on, she was in a car accident in a cab and the first time we were together, this is a very intimate thing. Good thing you're sharing it. The first time I ever said I love you was in the hospital in New York in this moment. moment what are you the big sick

yeah jesus oh that's where kumail got this story yeah so she's in the hospital and i literally if you've ever watched anybody take something up the nose sure she they put a tube up her nose and down her throat and i want i mean it was crazy to watch a tube go up the nose, down the throat, and when it came out, she just looked at me for one second and then fainted. I was like... I love you. I was like, I love you for doing that. But no, but that's like...

I'm imagining every single one of these people jamming this up their nose. Ready for the next one then. Quote. You know exactly where this is going to go early. Holding a box of juicy juice and the straw went up nostril. So far, guys, remember all these.

This is emergency room. It's like we can't get it out. We need help from a professional. Ready? Keep going. Heart-shaped necklace pendant. Quote, playing with a dime above head and looked up with coin falling into nose What was that up there?

Penny's from heaven Quote, stuck hairpin into nostril Trying to clear blood clot from nosebleed I hope that was on a first date Yeah Fish tank gravel Okay Does anybody have a fish? I hope that was on a first date. Yeah. Fish tank gravel. Okay.

Does anybody have a fish? Have you ever had that? That gravel smells like shit when you have to drink it. Worse. Worse. Why? It's like shit had a shit. Yeah, it's like shit, shit out shit, and then it's in your nose. Fishing lure.

Oh, my God. It's going to go in easier than it comes out. Baby bottle nipple. Okay. Let's see if I in easier than it comes out. Baby bottle nipple. Okay. Let's see if I can get that up there. Yep. One magnet in each nostril. Okay.

To see if it works. Now, that's a scientific example. You're on board with that? Okay. Yeah, I like that. That totally makes sense. That's science. That actually makes a lot of sense.

You couldn't tell if it worked if you just put one in. You got to put the other in. Yeah. That's just science, Dan. Absolutely. Here we go. Moving on to the throat just science, Dan. Here we go. Moving on to the throat.

We are gonna get to the ass, aren't we? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why I'm here. That's why we hold that out to the end, Scott. We don't want you leaving early. Three words in this thing I'm about to read. The first word is the most important. Open safety pin.

Whoa! Down their throat. The first word is the most important. Open safety pin. Whoa! Down their throat. Down their throat. Cigarette. What? That's understandable. Quote.

Lit is the question? A couple of pieces of decorative glass from a vase. Just a couple? Yeah, just a couple. You don't want them all in there. That'd be ridiculous. It's only two, doctor. It's only two pieces of glass. I didn't go crazy.

No, I mean, I wasn't drunk. Just two pieces. I'm not an asshole. Diary key. Diary key. That's an 11-year-old there, Scott. Dear God. That's an 11-year-old.

You're not reading this ever. That's so cute. It's either an 11-year-old or Stephen Morrissey. Easter egg. Which I hope is like one from a Marvel movie. Quote. Thanks, guys. That was nice.

Quote. Swallowed staples because aliens told her to. Well, obviously. What are the reasons? Now we're getting motives I like this aquarium thermometer Oh down the throat who is seeing these things go I just see the temperature of the gravel yeah that went up the nose quote the swallowed earring in her sleep that was in mouth when she fell asleep. Sewing needle.

Swallowed a pen because no one paid attention to him. That might be the saddest one. If you have to say oh yeah before you stick a pen down your throat. Nobody's going to pay attention to me? I'm going to eat this fucking thing. You'll pay attention to me now. I don't even know what this is.

Angels trumpet seed pods. Well, angels trumpet is a plant. See, I'm learning. And the pods are where the seeds are. Well, they wanted them. I made that up. No, I trusted everything he said.

Grits. Okay. Grits. Why is that a bad thing? Eat them. Another word for aquarium gravel, isn't it? A golden shiny penny. Oh.

That's a person in the yard who's like, you don't understand. It's really... It's a gorgeous penny. It's beautiful. I love it so much I have to consume it. Quote, was doing a magic trick and accidentally swallowed a quarter. Ta-da!

The words of Job. Grow capsule. Didn't work. Confetti. Quote, found I guess that means the person. Found after swallowing a half a pack of gum in a room

at home. Empty wrappers everywhere. Why would you need the doctors to take the confetti out? Wouldn't you just digest it? It's confetti. It's paper. Hot sauce packet. Just think of the party in your toilet. Yeah. I didn't say hot sauce.

Hot sauce packet. Quote, injured after eating charging end of cell phone. That's on them. These all are on them. I would forever, if that was my friend, I would constantly look at him and be like, what are you at, 80%?

70%? Earwig. In the throat. Earwig in the throat was one of my favorite Broadway musicals James Cameron Mitchell, unbelievable You know we make fun of a lot of people who write these articles Because they usually fail at being humorous When they try

Whoever wrote this is really good Here's the final one for mouth Swallowed three plastic Push-ins in a dare at school. Won 15 bucks. We know it's worth it. Moving on to penis.

Okay. Some people forgot. Some people forgot there's a hole in there. I never forgot. Never forget. Remember the urethra. It's a hole in there. I never forget. Never forget. Here we go. Remember the urethra. It's a great national monument.

I think it was Ulysses S. Grant who said that. It's a little town in Texas. Urethra, Texas. Here we go. It's a fucking piss hole, that place. It really is. Thanks for helping me out, guys. They're doing their job for you, Dan.

Good. Here we go. A little screw. A sharp toy. You just want a little screw? You keep saying toy, but you never tell what the toys are. That's all I know. Is it a weeble? What's happening? Here's more stuff in the penis.

Four-inch long metal sex toy. Nope. That's not meant for that. I think it's called sounding. It is called sounding. I heard. A friend of mine told me it's sounding. They didn't say a sound.

Like a sound. Plastic spoon. Well, I mean, it shifts sounder. You gotta make do, guys. They just called it a toy. Plastic spoon. Well, I know. I'm a ship sounder. Yeah. You got to make do, guys. That's right. Piece of domino. Oh.

Okay. Switch that around. You got yourself a meal. That's right. Piece of plastic shampoo bottle. Which part? I mean, that is clearly someone who is showering for too long You know what I mean?

I love that I said piece of plastic Get the work done and go I love that I said piece of plastic shampoo bottle And Scott goes which part? I was young once You still are to me Quote

I just want you guys to know, you're agreeing to hear this. Your place in this room is your willingness. Quote. I'll say it right. Because it matters. Quote. Put paperclip through urethra

and punctured through the shaft of the penis. What was it? Makeshift Prince Albert? Yeah. Cable. Come on. Finally, for the penis, coaxial cable. I would have gone HDMI. Better sound.

Better sound, bro. Picture quality, too. Dude,. Better sound, bro. Picture quality, too. Way better sound. It's gonna be sounding better. Absolutely. Moving on to vagina. Okay. Oh, we didn't forget about

you ladies. Thank you. Scott said thank you. Here we go. Scented soap. Okay. Way more sensible already. It did. They get it. They're like, okay.

Here we go. Deodorant lid. It came off. A little bit around the edge. I would look at her and be like, are you sure? Terrible. Nope, Jay, it's her secret. That's Squire Brothers.

It's got to be put upon you. You can't do it to yourself. Quote, was cleaning self in shower when found a tampon in vagina. Concerned that there is another tampon in vagina. Like it's that there is another tampon in vagina. Like it's a dispenser?

Like she doesn't know how many are left? You just roll it and it comes out. It's like the toothpicks at a restaurant. I like his pussy. There's an underscore at the end of Scott Thompson. I like his pussy. There's a dentist in Minnesota

who does not need to get your anger out. Throwing at him right now. Please put the underscore in. Don't come at me with that water pick. Bottle cap. Penis ring with spikes on it. Whoa. A piece of rusty metal.

That is a pro-level Tennis shot right there Oh my god That is a woman who thinks Her junk is indestructible This is one that has It's written and has a quote Silicone balls Patient states is for

Quote, you know For when your husband leaves town a ball that's a wide wide range right there we don't know no bike reflector look if you're doing it at night it's a heavily trafficked area and you don't want to get run over while it's happening. You do not. On period, inserted non-birth control

sponge in vagina so she could swim. That's not normal, right? No. So it absorbs everything and you can still go swim. I'm no expert on the vagina, but that sounds right. Scott says we'll allow it.

We'll allow it, yes. Scott will allow it. The bench will allow it. Headphones. Well, wait a minute. Are these beats by Dre? Are they earbuds? What are we talking about?

We're talking about AirPods. Hot towel. That's what everybody says if someone's pregnant. Get the hot towel. Or that could be a... There is a sexual act called a hot Carl. Right. This is the hot towel. I don't know what the hot Carl is.

I actually don't know. Does someone know? Maybe know what a hot Carl is? Yeah, who wants to be that townsperson? Okay, ready? Quote. Was having sexual intercourse with boyfriend when he put phone and money in vagina?

Oh. First you put the money in and then the phone works. You like that purse? Clay. Clay. Taking a mold? Aiken? That would be interesting. Candlestick.

Also, Clay Aiken did have sex with one woman. Did he? He did run for governor or something. Candlestick. Can I just do hot car? Why wouldn't you? Thank God. A sexual act of defecating on a sexual partner. That's a lot of...

They really want to make sure you know this is sex. Sexual act of defecating on a sexual partner. That's a lot of... They really want to make sure you know this is sex. Sexual act of defecating on a sexual partner, especially upon a passive female's chest. Oh. I don't know about that. That doesn't make me feel better. So then what is a Cleveland Steamer? Can we not?

No, no, no. We haven't even gotten to asshole yet. All right, fine. We'll get there. We'll get there. Candlestick. Lollipop. These are all the things that you can use

to murder someone in Clue. With the lollipop. In the vagina. In the library. Professor Plum. Using massaging urethral vagina stone balls and the string holding 15 balls

together, dissolved. Can only find 14 balls. Oh. That's when you don't want to know the count. And finally... That 15th ball is usually the hardest to find. No, the 15th ball is when I carry you.

hardest to find. No, the 15th ball is when I carry you. It's this generation's footprints. And finally for vagina, toy magic wand. Moving on to the rectum. All right. This is why we're here. Golf ball.

Peanut butter jar. You build up to that yeah you know you don't start at peanut butter you start with artisanal jams that's how you start I wish we didn't have 30 more of these. That is a walk-off. Jesus. Spray bottle. Curtain rod.

Quote. That's a long canal. Quote. Stuck a toy up his rectum because he thought he was constipated. Toothbrush. Toothbrush holder. That's a two for one there. Floss container.

Like that, if you're in a relationship, you never want to be like, honey, where is my toothbrush holder? Honey! Maybe you shouldn't leave town so much, Michael. Don't you turn your back on me. I need your help. Floss container, mouthwash bottle quote at a party having fun with his male friends when he when one put a shot glass up his rectum okay then he set the garage on fire small wooden wooden knick-knack. That's somebody that loves Cracker Barrel.

Screwdriver. That is the definition of a Hummel. Please tell me that was a kitchen witch. Screwdriver. The end is very important there. That's right. Was it a Phillips or Flathead?

Right. Plastic fork. Toy missile. Plastic fork. Toy missile. Plastic vibrating dildo cannot turn off. You gotta let that battery run out. You gotta let it bleed out like a deer. As though if you could turn it off, you'd be like, leave it, I'm fine.

As long as it's off. No, that's why, that's, you know, an argument for remote control vibrating dildos. You gotta have that control. They obviously lived in a tiny apartment with not enough storage. Sure. You gotta put things where you can. Yeah, totally.

Quote, attempted to dislodge a dildo from his anus using a letter opener. Oh. That's how you do it. Now he's got both. You gotta jimmy it out. Cigar tube to relieve hemorrhoids. Probably frozen.

You put it in the freezer. Good to know. It soothes the tender tissue. This one's in quotes. And the first two words. Feeling lonely. That's how it starts. That was the beginning of all of these. Feeling lonely.

Used a mascara container in plastic bag, put it in rectum. Okay. Tin cup. Yeah. Great movie. Now, if that Costner movie was about him putting a tin cup up his asshole and not golf. Totally different. We all would have watched it. you hairbrush quote was drinking with friends and got to experimenting

air freshener container stuck in anus is that like a little pine tree i don't know it's glade it's. Yep. Marbles. A large bottle of shampoo. Quote. I mean, I'm listening to all this, and I'm like, I really do have amazement at the human body. Me too. Yes. I'm in awe. It's a marble.

Quote. Sat in bathtub and felt something go into her anus. Oh. Are we supposed to guess what it was? An eel? I have no idea. Did they define? They don't ever tell you what it is. That's all it says.

By the way, sat in bathtub could have been the prequel to Sleepless in Seattle. I'm not religious and I'm praying for that person. That's a ghost Man or woman They didn't find anything Doesn't say

We'll just leave it out there for us to all On a Tuesday someday I know Scott's thinking like get the letter opener Absolutely I feel bad for her Cat food can Cat food can? Can. Cat food can.

It's when you're feeling frisky. I get it. Don't. Got it. Got it. They liked that one. Uh-huh. Thank you.

Bag of oral tobacco. Oh, Like skull bandits Yeah Quote Water bottle in rectum Does this to reduce anxiety Smoke some weed Yeah

It's legal in here Three Double A batteries Three Don't you need four to get it going? By the way When have you ever used Three double A batteries

For anything? No New line Two triple A batteries Oh no It makes sense Don't you need four to get it going? By the way, when have you ever used three AA batteries for anything? No. New line, two AAA batteries. Oh, now it makes sense. New line, D battery. Stop it. New line, nine volt.

And finally, quote, patient said, I have a coin in my ass from a month ago. Is it worth more now? That's been the best episode of storage Wars ever pull those out of someone's ass and try stuff all right Dan do we do one Well, what we do now is my favorite part of the show. Yes. Townies, if you have a story that you brought with you, we want to hear the headline. We'll riff with you a little bit about it because that's what a town hall is for.

There's a mic up here. Come on down to this one. If somebody can scoot that mic back just a little bit or even take it out, that is perfect. I love it. You guys came prepared. If you have a story, please come on up to the front. Read it. Tell us your name. That's why we're here to do this

together. All right. Let's hear it. I love it. Is it on? Here comes Austin. You might want to stick it up your ass. What's your name, Tommy? I have Brandon. Brandon so let me let me say this

real quickly so our buddy here we go yeah our buddy John Doerr uh comedian I'm sure you know from Canada very funny he had a friend whose son had a son named Brandon has a son named Brandon and every time John would talk to him his he would tell John, oh, hey, John. Like Canadian, oh, hey, John, you know, Brandon's getting so big. He's playing peewee hockey. He's only two years old. You know, Brandon got so big he just killed a hooker. Yeah, he's so big.

Starting to feel remorse about it, John. You got to see this kid. He's going moose hunting up at the cottage, Brandon. Look at Brandon. He's getting so big. He's got his own story here Scott Thompson he's going to do his own story Alright here we go

First of all real quick I just want to say I could have been on your list when I was a kid I got a dime stuck up my nose There's a reason you're in this town I belong here Alright hit us with the headline Why you don't bring cocaine to your court hearing I have no clue why Hit us with the headline. Why you don't bring cocaine to your court hearing.

I have no clue why. Seems like a great idea. Let's hear a little bit of it. You're going to love this name. Juan Jose Vidrio Vibriesca's cocaine fell when he took his hat off. I just love when he was like, you get my whole fucking name down. I'm just going to say he might be a full citizen, but based on this, he is a dreamer.

I like this. His name's so long, but when he gets pulled over, by the time he's done giving his name to the officer, he is sober. He can pass any test. Let's read the first paragraph. Authorities say a man who was in a Colorado court for violating his bond on a

drug charge is in even more trouble after a wad of cocaine fell from his hat while he was in front of the judge. And you know... You don't do this move if you got cocated, right? You don't tip your cap to the bench. Yeah, and you know it was a fedora. Feather.

Right. The judge was a man, and he still was like, m'lady. Whoop, whoop, who My lady The Vail Daily reported Wednesday That 43 year old Juan Jose Vidrio Bibriesca was standing next to Two other defendants at an Eagle County District Court podium

When he took his hat off And a square of folded paper fell out A police officer watched the paper filled with cocaine Fall to the floor, reports the AP, and after reviewing surveillance footage, authorities determined it fell from Bibriescu's hat. This is the best thing. First of all, Brandon, I don't know how

much time you spent making sure you could say his name correctly. But I put a lot of water in front of it. I love it. Brandon, that's a great story. Is there one more fact? You got one more fact in there? Yeah, just one quick thing. Just at the end.

Bibriesco has then walked to the county jail and now faces new charges of narcotics possession and another bond violation. Booking documents don't indicate if he has hired an attorney. Vail Daily notes that Bibriesco is in the country illegally, meaning his legal woes aren't over. Oh, he's out. I'm sorry. By the way, from now on,

if I ever, whatever acting job we get, I'm going to sit in the makeup chair and just say, Bibrieska. Bibrieska. The picture of him is on for him. Thanks, Brandon. Hey, buddy. What's up, man? What's your name, Tony? I'm Adam.

Okay, so the title is Their Bumper with License Plate Attached And so when I told my father-in-law We were coming to explain the show He said, oh like And I had to Google it and this is the story 2009, Shane Ingram found out That making an illegal withdrawal from an ATM cash machine

Wasn't all it cracked up to be Wait, wait, wait, how cracked up is it to be? Yeah, is it always cracked up? You know what I did last night? You're not going to believe this shit. I went to an ATM, put in a pin that I had picked myself, and that motherfucker gave me money.

That was exactly what it's cracked up to be. Just wait. This is good. The Grimsby, England, bumbling burglar and several of his mates backed up their car to the Grimsby Institute just before midnight on January the 14th. the Grimsby Institute just before midnight on January the 14th. The Grimsby Institute does

sound like something from Harry Potter. It does not seem real. Ingram and his friends broke in. They put the chain around the ATM and hooked the chain up to the car. The Grimsby goofball tried to pull the machine out by driving

forward, but to no avail. After the would-be thieves' second attempt, they left the cash machine and the chain and the car's bumper behind. Including the license plate. This is the end of every episode of Benny Hill. Da-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- I do want to say after hearing this, it was all it was cracked up to.

It really was. It really was. They also left their license plate behind with comparative ease. Police found the suspect's car with Ingram's fingerprints on the passenger door. His DNA was on the chain attached to the car. I'm going to piss on this chain really quick. I can poop it up his ass. Scott just answered the chain was up his ass. Let me go to the records.

I'll find him. Dan, I think you'll like this. The sing-song voice. Just like that, the Shane gang turned into the Chain gang. Oh, thank you. Solid. Hello, Tony.

This is our buddy, Derek Lipkin. Hello, Stanley Gucci at Derek Lipkin Hello, Stanley Gucci, at Derek Lipkin Yes That's it, do it I had to go local Man lights tenderloin public toilet on fire Gets stuck inside Oh

You gotta have Like, this is like Iraq We need to have an exit strategy Before we go in there Are you saying that his loins were tender afterwards? Emergency personnel rescued a man who apparently lit a public toilet on fire with a blowtorch

and then became stuck inside Thursday evening in the tenderloin. The incident happened when a 53-year-old man lit the toilet aflame in the area of Larkin Street and Myrtle Alley at about 5.45 p.m. The man, however, became stuck inside the public toilet. Responding officers

assisted the man, who subsequently arrested him. If you know, there were months of him being like, Someday I'm gonna come in and I'm gonna light you on fire, you son of a bitch. So you fucking talked to me like that? I thought he drew a dick on his own head. Why not?

Thank you, Derek Lipkin. Maybe he was staging like a mini Dunkirk. We don't know. Hello. Hi, Townie. What's your name? Hi, I'm Ashley. Hi, Ashley. Let's do it. Read that headline. Okay. Guy mauled by croc after jumping in river to prove point.

Oh. I'm telling you motherfuckers right now. There are no crocodiles in this river. I'm telling you motherfuckers right now. You're going to tell me I can't jump. There are no crocodiles in this river. No, I will back it up. His one leg, he comes out, he's like, point proven. Didn't kill me, did it?

All right, let's hear it. An Australian teenager mauled after getting drunk and jumping into a crocodile-infested river to impress a woman he had just met, denies being quote one of the stupidest people around. Which means a cop said to him, so man, you admit you're one of the stupidest people around. No, no, not at all. I find that word infested so judgmental. I mean, really, they just live there. They don't think they've inf, really, they just live there. They don't think they've infested it. They just live there. Yeah, if anything, we've moved into where they're from. We infested

them. They moved into our river and the rates went right down. That's right. It's a people-infested area. And really, to the crocodiles, they're just like, God, it's really getting overcrowded in here. They're trying to figure out solutions. I picture the guy's name being trent and the girl being like i see a crocodile and him saying to her they like it when you do this this is why i'm sad that

the crocodile hunter died okay so because he died he left a vacuum that opens the door for this guy you know i mean like when he was alive there was just one guy in australia doing all this dumb shit to be fair, Trent might have said, did the crocodile hunter die from crocodiles? No. I'm getting at this one.

My point has been made because he died from a stingray. Haters gonna hate, says 18-year-old me. Haters gonna hate. Haters gonna hate. And haters gonna gate,

motherfucker. Haters gonna gate. Haters gonna gate. Gator's gonna gate. Gator's gonna hate. Here, pull the microphone up. He suffered gouges and two broken bones in his left arm Saturday night after jumping into the river

near the town of Innisfail, Queensland and being attacked by a croc almost immediately. You see, I told you there's no... This is... DePauw says after drinking around 10 cups of, quote, goon, Aussie slang for boxed wine. Boxed wine. Boxed wine.

What are you, a 48-year-old woman? Jesus. Goon. He told British backpacker Sophie Patterson that, quote, backpackers are more likely to get eaten by crocodiles than Australians. It's a great theory. You fuckers can laugh all you want, but haters gonna hate.

Just a crocodile mouth open is like, hold on, a Union Jack? Alright, leave her alone, leave her alone. The quote continues, so we decided to go down to the river and test the theory. We're basically fucking scientists, dudes. Basically fucking scientists. So they're not even at the river when he makes this claim.

He's like, let's go down to a place where I'm going to do something dumb. Every stupid drug thing that happens starts out with the words, I'll go there right now. DePauw says he saved himself by punching the croc in the snout and scratching at its eyes before it could drag him underwater. What a piece of shit. Officials have been trying to trap the animal, though DePauw says he doesn't want it to be harmed. Unless he's the one doing the harm.

Yeah, walk on his face. Patterson, the girl, 24, says she and her friends didn't think he would really jump in the river. After the attack, quote, there was blood everywhere and he just wouldn't stop screaming. I love it.

Point made. Point made. Hello, ladies. Thank you, Ashley. Thank you, Ashley. And Ashley, so many people are going to try and find you after the show to find out if it said whether or not they started dating. That's right. All right, what's up, Townie?

What's your name? Oh, wait, did they start dating? Did they? They went on a date. Oh! A date. You couldn't get it at home. They went away.

And then he scratched her eyes. Hey, guys. My name's Emily. Hi, Emily. Hey. What's up? All right. So this is from 2008 in Fresno.

Oh. Yep. And it says, thief breaks in, slaps man with sausage. Oh. Scott's like, I don't see the problem. Authorities in California say they've arrested a man who broke into the home of two farm workers, stole money, rubbed one of the men with spices, and hit the other with a sausage before fleeing.

Rubbed one of them with spices. Rolled it with flour. And I know this doesn't matter, but was it a dry rub? I'm going to marinate you, motherfucker. Fresno County Sheriff Ian Berman says 22-year-old Antonia Vasquez was found hiding in a field wearing only a

t-shirt, boxer shorts, and socks after the Saturday morning attack. They can't see you if you don't have pants on. He says deputies arrested Vasquez after finding a wallet containing his ID in the ransacked house. Farm workers told deputies the suspect

woke them Saturday morning by rubbing spices on one of them and then smacking the other with an eight-inch sausage. It's creative. Burman says money allegedly stolen was recovered. However, the weapon used in the attack, namely the sausage, has not been recovered. It's probably eaten, I'm just going to say. This is because it was eaten by a dog. Hey, little fella.

The dog ate my evidence. It ends with a quote from the lieutenant who says, I tell you, this was one weird case. Yes, and one weird casing. And one weird casing. That's what I'm going to call the whole title of the article, One Weird Casing. Hey, boys.

Oh, here he is. I got a story for you. This is actor Chris Christopherson. He's joined us. Chris Christopherson has joined us. I'm very happy to be here at Battle Creek, Michigan. No, no, no.

We're in San Francisco. We're in San Francisco. The year was 1969 and it was the actual summer of love. Wait, is this your story? No. It's not 1969 right now. Is it?

No one is responding, so I'm assuming it is. Chris, how you been, man? I mean, I'm still alive. Did you bring a story? I do have a story. Please, tell us. This is definitely not a story about myself. I want to just get that out of the way

before I continue my story. Okay. You're not reading anything. No. This is not an actual story from my life. This is not a story from my life. Okay, we get that. So it's on the set of the movie Blade Trinity.

You're in it. You're in that movie. I'm in that movie, but this is not about me. And it's Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel, Wesley Snipes, and Chris Cristophe. And that is you. Christopherson that is you you what that is you you're right what name did I just say I meant to say Jeff Jeff Hofferson okay you counted on your fingers while saying a name yeah because it's the way you remember the name Jeff, Jeff Offerson is that it's three syllables.

Jeff, Jeff Offerson. Oh, son. That's five. That's a three-syllable name. Okay. So not about you. What happens? So Jeff, Jeff Offerson.

Yeah. about you what happens so Jeff Jeff Hofferson yeah turns to Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel and says hey we should Wesley Snipes is sleeping right now we should probably go draw some dicks on this Chris Chris yeah did you hear the beginning of this show this is a show right now yeah there are people're in the show right now. There are people here.

There's an audience. Did that really happen? Did somebody say that? To Jeff, Jeff Hopper said it did happen. Okay. So we drew some dicks on Wesley Snaps' face. I doubt that. Which I have to say, he was fully awake the whole time.

I said that he was asleep, but he sleeps with his eyes open. Right, because you weren't there. No, I wasn't there. No, no, Jeff, Jeff Hofferson. Jeff, Jeff Hofferson. Jeff, Jeff, Jeff Hofferson. Yeah, I get it. He was there.

There's nothing better for a podcast than counting visually. Yeah, visual finger counting. Obviously, everybody on the podcast could see that I have a full gray hair and a beard, and I'm currently wearing one shoe. Wait, where's your

other shoe? I have no idea where it is. I had a vision quest earlier in the day with a small mouse outside of Taos, New Mexico. And he told me, he reminded me of this story, and I was like, I need to go tell him.

No one heard anything but you. No, there was no sound. That might be someone calling you. Is that the end of time? Yeah, that is the end of time. Anyway, so Wesley snaps. We get it. No, we're good. We're good.

We got it. We're good? Yeah, we're good yeah we're good thanks for the time is it it's time 1969. summer of love free love i'll be at golden gate park for the whole rest of the day okay if you see this thank you hang around chris we're gonna All right, one last townie. Here we go. Back from the Houston. You come to as many dumb people town halls as you want. I love it, buddy. I love it.

Nothing else. Alex, right? Yes. I know it. All right. Let's see. DUI arrest. Tampa man mistakes bank drive-thru for Taco Bell.

Oh! Who hasn't? We're doing a little guess the agey here. Okay. Because I'll remember it this time. Okay. A Tampa man was arrested Wednesday on a charge of driving under the influence involving drugs or alcohol

after deputies said... Take your pick. He mistook Bank of America drive-thru for a Taco Bell. That's right. Healthier food at Bank of America. They'll say that. And depending on the timeru for a Taco Bell. That's right. Healthier food at Bank of America. They'll say that. And depending on the time of night, faster service.

And I'll say this, more real meat. Okay. The branch manager of the Mariner Boulevard Bank said they saw Douglas John Francisco. That's DJ Frankie if you're with me. Playing all night long. DJ Frankie. John Francisco. That's where Frankie, if you're with me. Playing all I love. DJ Frankie. John Francisco, that's where we are today. Passed out in his blue Hyundai sedan while it sat in the drive-up bank lane,

according to Hernando County Sheriff's Office. This was about 5 p.m. on Wednesday. 5 p.m. P.M. That doesn't even qualify as fourth meal. No. That's somewhere between two and three meal. By the way, the bank is still open at that time.

Oh, yeah. Haters gonna hate. Thank you, Scott. Thank you for having the courage to say that. The manager said they started banging on the Hyundai's window for some time, according to deputies' report, before Francisco finally woke up. Then Francisco tried to order a burrito. He said, good for him.

When Clawson told he was not, in fact, at a Taco Bell, deputies said he drove to the front parking lot. When deputies arrived, they said they found Francisco in the driver's seat, car still running. Yeah. Can we guess it? Guess his age? Yes. Alright, so what do we know? Bank, 5pm, drunk, Taco Bell, owns a car, or at least borrowed his uncle's. Scott?

11. He might be right. Solid. I also want to say, before we do this, everybody who read a story, please hang close, because we want to get a big group picture of everybody who was a part of the town hall so that we can put that up on the Facebook page.

We're going to end this on guessing this age. I'm going to say he is 29 years old. 29 from Randy's Clark. Jason? 38. 38 years old. Damn. You never get to play. Five in the afternoon says to me that he either either he's been old enough to be a deadbeat dad or has

one yeah or both just keep the side oh yeah keep the circle yeah he could be really old cuz he's like going to like an early bird yeah dinner at 5 5 p.m. dinner 80 80 what'd you say Red? I said 29 he said 80 38 80 39 28 I'm gonna go 23 years old okay all right before I do this I want the one quote the police gave to be heard he made several statements that were differing from reality oh I'm good

with 23 and 80 is very good as well. He doesn't even have to be drunk at that point. It's just 80. I'm every age, I think he said. One of you has it correct. On the nose. What a good finish. I'd love to end on that.

Okay, what was it again? 23 for me. 38, 29, 80. What do you guys think? What do most people think? Wait, what was it again? 23 for me. 38, 29, 80. 80. All right. What do you guys think? What do most people think? Yeah, what does anybody else think?

Who do you think got it right? 23? You guys, most people think 23. Okay. If I get 23, I will celebrate in a way that will probably hurt myself. Yeah. He will throw his computer into the air. It's backed up.

I'm sorry, Dan. That's okay. He's 38. Thank you guys so much. We'll be out there selling merch and meeting you guys. Thank you so much. We've got to get back to work. Thank you. Stand with co-host Armand Dan. Ventures, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music, it's the funny hits.

And we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Punk it down. It's Dump People Town.