Dumb People Town - Sean Jordan - Baptism By Cake

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

Comedian and podcast Sean Jordan (Girl Dad on Spotify, All Fantasy Everything) stops by as Randy describes how a man's surname was deemed to rude to put on a passport, Daniel explains how a bride wants a divorce because the groom smashed wedding cake in her face, and Jason warns that the pandas at the zoo might just be dogs, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Hims and ASPCA Pet Insurance! Start your free online visit today at Hims.com/DPT. Restrictions apply. See website for details and important safety information. To explore coverage, visit ASPCApetinsurance.com/DPT.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida, there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Banders, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hunker Down is Dump People Town Guys, your sex life is important, but your schedule is busy.

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But vet bills can really add up. That is why you should check out pet insurance. And with ASPCA Pet Health Insurance, you can focus on the care your pet deserves and cover what matters most. To explore coverage,

visit ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash DPT. That's ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash DPT. Again, that is ASPCAPetInsurance.com slash DPT. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence American Insurance Company or the United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited. The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U.

Population Jordan. Sean Michael Jordan. How are you, buddy? So stupid. I'm excited. I'm so happy you're here. Nice being here, friend. Sean Jordan.

Thanks for having me. the greatest Jordan of all time in all of media and public service. It's well documented. You are the Jordan that people tell you. It's you and then, I don't know. So when they say who's better, LeBron or Jordan, they're talking about you.

Sean Jordan, co-host of all fantasy. You ain't seen, I got a wet jumper playboy. Special. People should go watch. We'll get into all of it later dan you know how this works we got it i finally figured it out we got to jump into a story and it is so great

because we were having a discussion right before this that's gonna plug into it are you ready send in by carlene mcdermott at she be carlene thank you thanks carlene here is the headline and you guys are gonna be like this is like a moment straight out of your iphone where you talk about something and then all of a sudden you get an ad for it okay man can't go abroad as his surname is too rude for passport oh i can't travel because his last name is too rude they're not letting him travel now we were just talking about your wife's friend growing isn't that crazy is he your wife's friend from growing up yes she knew a girl with the last name dick and sheets that's ridiculous and i didn't believe her and so this is what you what the dick and sheets is going on that's my new album i dig in the sheets her mother's nickname

and this is where you're not going to believe me, was BJ. Stop. I'm telling you. BJ Dickensheets. That's in my wife. I think she grew up different. That's two on the nose. It's on something. I was like, where should we go for some jalapeno poppers?

Let's go over to BJ Dickensheets. That does sound like a chain restaurant. In West Hollywood that I would go to happy hour. Dude, I got carded at BJ Dickensheets. go over to bj dick and that does sound like a chain restaurant did you in west hollywood that i would go to happy hour i got carded at bj dick and cheese they carded me and i felt so good good that felt a while since i've been carded at dj there's always security issues but always a pat down i love that they ring the bell when everybody when someone gets fajitas at bj dick and sheet weren't you the dj at bj dick and sheets dj bj so you had to call this woman i called no i didn't call her like your name is horrible no i called my wife uh we're out playing disc golf in denver and i almost fell down laughing because she just almost

like you guys are probably having a tough time believing me my friends in denver were the same thing and she was on the other end like yeah that's her name that's her name what's weird about are you laughing doesn't bj dick and she'd sound like a name ben roy would say on the rat race yeah yeah bj dick and sheets coming in to talk about pizza he's just the best man bj dick and she is best man uh all right so you ready so man has been stopped Alright Adam you know Man has been stopped From going abroad As his surname What could your name be

That prevents you from travel I blow up planes Right Well that might be it But Kenny Kennard Changed his surname

By deed poll To You ready Wait so he Changed it Picked a name Picked a name That is going to be offensive Why So His name was Kenny Kennard So what do you think he changed a name picked a name that is going to be offensive why so his name was

kenny canard so what do you think he changed his name kenny canard sounds like a nascar racer kenny canard right yeah in a fight after the race that just happened i know kenny canard what do what do you think he changed the name to i mean that was a it's got to be a curse word right yeah so what do you think is it a judge like fuck like buck fuck or something yeah so change it to ken all right kenny f u canard kenny fucking hard it's pretty dope for a laugh a few did just say for love just did for love so like he just he made his middle name f u or dash to the last name he tried to five hole him with that. Like he's the smartest person in the world. Like no one was going to catch him. No one's going to do this.

And by the way, who cares? Who calls the name out? Like who says your, when are you traveling and someone says your name? Nobody ever says like. Maybe on a plane. No. I mean, most of the times I'm walking through an airport. Sean Jordan is that wet jumper over there?

The Jordan? I recently saw a post on Instagram where somebody had, they got their license plate changed, and I think it was randomly given to them, but it was the letter L, then the number 8, and then the number 4, and then it was A-N-L. So it looked like late for anal. And they were like, you're always right on time.

You don't want to be late for that. I mean, that's the one thing is that, you know. You've got to breathe your way through it. If you are involved in anal, you're always right on time. You don't want to be late for that. Yeah. I mean, that's the one thing is that. You got to breathe your way through it. You just want, yeah. That if you are involved in anal, it's got to, you got to be. I tried to back time and I tried to back into that. You got to be punctual. Despite his form. Okay.

So we, for a laugh a few years ago, but the joke backfired. Despite the former squatty getting a driver's license under his new moniker, he has been told he cannot have it on the passport. When it expired earlier this year, he applied for a new one. His application was denied because his name may cause offense. What do they do? How do they know he changed his name? How does BJ Dickensheets travel?

What would be the customs or TSA person who would need to do anything more than roll their eyes? Right. That's it. Is this you? Or take a picture of it and point and laugh. Show people. Also, there's a lot of people who have names that just naturally line up with some sort

of offensive term. Baseball player Dick Pole. Thank you. Dick Trickle. Or Dick Buttkiss. Or BJ Dick and Chates. I've seen dudes at airports with shirts that are way gnarlier than whatever that name is. Anything Calvin is pissing on. The supermarket worker from Bood Cornwall has contested the HM Passport Office's verdict how many times? Wait, so he's appealing this?

Oh, yeah. He's not even going to work on changing his name. It's weird because he's sort of an idiot 69 times my daughter's birthday is june 9th and i'm always gonna think it's funny mine's june 10 my daughter's june 10 all right so uh doesn't do anything. But how many times has he contested it? Four. Jay? Ten. Stick with it. Fifteen.

Okay. Six. Get your answers in. One of you is one off. Do you want to switch? I'll go three. Nine. Sixteen.

Lucky number 16. Supermarket worker from Bood, Cornwall has contested his HM passport office's verdict three times. Very good, Daniel. Oh, nice. But the home office has refused to budge. Keen traveler Kenny says he doesn't want to change his name again. So he faces a life of UK holidays. He kind of has to.

Faces a life of UK holidays. He said, I'm not going to travel out. I'd rather not see the world and keep this dumb joke going. He said, I've decided to change my name to Fukenard, the Fukunard, a few years back. When I had to apply for a driving license, it was accepted fine, driving license fine. So I figured it wouldn't make much difference applying for a passport.

How wrong was I? Well, it's good for the DMV, not good for the gander. I got refused on grounds my name could cause offense or was vulgar, so I complained. But they upheld the decision, so I complained again. When I was told they'd keep the fee for administration costs, if I wanted to take them out of the further, they said I need to contact my MP.

So I wrote to MP Scott Mann. Not the best name for an MP. Scott Mann. And he replied saying they're within their remit to refuse. I'm going to show you the picture, and I think this is probably his profile picture, but I just want to show you what he looks like this guy pinch that out i want to make it bigger

and make it bigger pinch that out pinch that out yeah he i get it yeah yeah he does look like a he's eventually gonna quit drinking he's just standing on he's hanging out on a stick. It's like, by the way, no one thinks he's funny. Not one person in his life thinks he's funny. They tolerate him. They're like, oh God, here's Kenny. There was a guy in the phone book we used to prank. I think I've said this before. His name was Oral Sexton.

What are they supposed to do if they're like, oh, we're offended by your name? Why is that funny? Yeah. Dude. Let me introduce you to BJ Dickensheets. Your daughter's birthday is 6-9. Anyway, I object to them denying my chosen name, said the former squaddie. Now, I'm skint with no passport.

I like that term. Skint. Never heard of that in my life. I guess skint means like out of luck. Just hang it out to dry. Out of luck. Like a prisoner in my own country. All right.

Relax. You're jumping on a stick with a dog. You're fine. On the other hand, on the one hand, I find the whole thing funny, as do all of my friends. Okay. I guarantee you half of them. I got so many friends, dude. They all think it's funny.

How many friends do you have? I have a lot of friends. They don't even have a number for it. It's four a lot. But I'm also finding it hard to believe the name could be construed as anything but funny and slightly ridiculous. It's just a joke. I agree with home office policy that not all names are acceptable, such as racial hate words or anything that involves hatred. He's kind of right.

This is just a silly name. But the fact that he changed it, why did he have to tell people that he changed it? Do you understand what I'm saying? I do. Do they know? Do they just know? Like, is it somewhere? I've never seen a two-letter hyphen.

Well, he probably had to, maybe when he submitted for his new passport, he had to provide paperwork from his name change? Probably. Foucanard is not a... Yes. I'm going to say Foucanard. It's getting a laugh out of me every time. What if he said it's Foucanard?

That's 100% what I think. I would say you're the one pronouncing it wrong. So let me ask you... You're the one. Get your mind out of the gutter. My name's Foo Canard. My mom was Foo and my dad was Canard. That sounds funnier to me than Foo Canard or whatever.

Foo Canard sounds hilarious. Foo Canard. I'm not saying he's without dumb. He's dumb. Who's more dumb in this story? I think. Whoever's reviewing this application, in my opinion. Is an idiot.

But they denied three times. Yeah, because it's the same damn person every time but they did it. They denied three times. Yeah. Cause it's the same damn person. Every time he sends it in, it's not offensive. And I object to them denying my chosen name. Kenny first changed his name to, so this is the first time he changed his name.

He first changed his name to Coco Kenny. This guy's an idiot. When he was how old, how old was he? If he first changed it officially to Coco Kenny? 19. 21.

18. 16. You can do that over there. So he has dumb parents. But after he joined the army, so he, thank you for your service. Coco Kenny.

He was told, at age 19, he was told to change it back because, quote, it was immature. After eight years serving his country, eight years, let him call himself fucking hard for God's sakes. Kenny decided to change it to something a bit more fun. Knowing that he'd be applying for normal jobs, he knew to play it a bit safe and settle for F.U. Canard because not everybody gets the joke. Life's too short to be boring.

I agree with it. This guy's seen war. Yeah, but why not go, like, suck-a-nard? Yes. Can he successfully apply? Suck-a-nard doesn't even make sense. Suck-a-nard's pretty funny. That's not getting by.

Suck doesn't get by a lot. I know, but if you're going to go for it, suck-a-nard is barely a bill of the title. He successfully applied for a driver's license in 2016, so had no reason to suspect that it would be any different for applying for a passport but the home office dismissed the application on three occasions may june july this year citing section two on its long-standing policy on changing names so i guess he did have to submit that paperwork official guidelines list a series of names that may cause

outrage or offense that could be classified as your offense who is going to be offended who's getting outrage if i'm going through tsa or customs and they're outraged i go this is what you're this this is your focus so these words include the use of swear words sexually explicit references inappropriate religious connotation what is vulgar offensive don't make fun of my life we've bought libelous to an individual jason so i can't be jason jesus christ no you can't make use of my make-believe book. Are libelous to an individual. Jason, so I can't be Jason Jesus Christ? No, you can't. Makes use of a person.

Jesus Jason Christ. Jesus Jason Christ. Jesus Jason Christ! Can we start just adding names in the middle of that? Why not? I did say... Jesus Sean Christ! I was frustrated with my daughter,

and I don't know why this came out of my mouth. I was like, Jesus Christ on a stick! Yeah, that's common. On a stick. I've never said that before. On a stick, I've mouth. I was like, Jesus Christ on a stick. Yeah, that's common. On a stick. I've never said that before. On a stick, I've heard. On a bicycle. Two sticks.

It's really two sticks. You've never heard Christ on a bicycle? No. That's a common one. Jesus Christ on a stick made my daughter laugh. Christ on a crutch, yeah. Christ on a cross. Christ on a cross.

On a crutch. Christ on a crutch. So he's got ankle problems, I guess, from the nail? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He'd skateboarded right before his daughter god damn it you get those abs from working on your core

that's why he's skateboarding that's right these swear words that's when Jesus makes the name of a person okay so the guidance also states this applies to phonetic

as well as actual use of words compromising or comprising or part of the entire name in a letter to the office he advised that he would even they would retain Kenny's

how much application fee in pounds. So what did he have to pay for an application fee to get it changed? What do you think? 100 pounds. What do you think? I don't know, 50 pounds? 25 pounds. Get your answers in town.

He's 94.75 pounds. Dan, you were very close. Bemused and bewildered, he to the tory mp scott man who's official uh whose office also supported yeah what are they going to do under section two of the home office concerning unacceptable names within its remit it's within its rights to refuse your request for a passport okay so let me say this let me posit this and i think this is the angle he should use yeah he says fine i won't leave the uk right gets married has a kid that kid goes to get a passport.

And they go, this is the name I was born with. That's my dad's name. They're going to go, sorry, you have to go change your name if you want to leave the country. We don't care about the name you were born into. What's the difference? What if the kid says, I am being abused by my father and I need to leave the country? And this is the only way. T.S.

Too bad. Elliot. Too bad. T.S. Elliot. Shouldn't have Too bad. T.S. Elliot. Shouldn't have such a dumb name. Deal with it. So the wacky returnee is shocked. Christ on a passport. Christ on a passport! By a home office decision and said he's been left stumped.

What can I do? Live without a passport? Kenny who loves to travel and last went on a holiday to Sri Lanka. You can live without a passport. I did it for quite some time. He last went on, but he loves to go on holidays. He's not a passport guy. I can't go on a holiday abroad. I live in a seaside town. Why do you need to say that?

But I've always- Is he in a Morris? I live in a seaside town. This seaside town. Is that Billy Joel? I guess I got Billy Joel. Yeah, so- I'm a get him.

Yeah, so my last holiday in Sri Lanka was about three years ago. So he's going to Sri Lanka a lot. Yeah. He's's like how am i supposed to meet the mail order bride before i take her supposed to meet the man who looks like a woman that i want to love last holiday can you change your name to a famous person's name like if i wanted to change my name like beyonce knowles or something i could do that well maybe yeah well i'm wondering wondering. Sean, Beyonce, Knowles, Jordan? No, no, just Beyonce, Knowles. Beyonce, Knowles. Maybe. Why don't you just make it Michael? I'm sure there's plenty.

Michael Jordan. I went camping down. Beyonce on a bicycle. I went camping down Sennon Beach for my week off. We don't care. Who cares about your dumb life? Actually, guys, I'm pretty invested. Okay, okay.

He's bragging quite a bit. Listen to what was reported. Now I think the newspaper is not. Whoever is reporting this. This is a real quote. Listen to this. I went camping down Sennon Beach for my week off. For my next leave, I have no plans as my options are limited.

So they're saying I don't have any plans for my next trip. Well, that's news. Let's write that in the thing. I have a stag due in three weeks. For instance, when the best man was deciding what to do for it, I knew I couldn't travel, so he settled on Cardiff instead. So now he's like, my password is affecting his bachelor party. I don't know.

He can't go cheat on his wife like he was supposed to. He's got to do it in Cardiff? Allegedly. He's got to go to Cardiff? He's like, do he was supposed to. He's got to do it in Cardiff. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. He's got to go to Cardiff? He's like, do you know how hard it is to find a hooker in Cardiff? Did I say that out loud? It's not Liverpool.

What am I doing over here? I live in a seaside town. I don't know what else I can do to escalate the situation with the HM Passport Office because no one has advised me how else I can change this verdict. I only have one red line, though. I'm keeping my surname. I don't want to change it again, especially because they're restricting my freedom. I agree with him.

I like fucking hard. There you go. That's story number one. They should make T-shirts for him. BJ Dickens sheets. It is crazy. I mean, there's no reason that you shouldn't be able to have that name. It's stupid.

He's bottomless breadsticks at bj dick and sheets i mean everything's bottomless at dj bj dick and sheets all right that is story number one down the books when we come back sean jordan has a new special that you all must see he has a podcast that you must and they're going on tour this summer so you want to check that out we'll find out all that stuff and what we have going on right after this break it is sean jordan on dumb people town Don't go nowhere. I mean, don't. Stick around.

Make us down. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, gang. Welcome back to the show. Before we get into what the great Sean Jordan, he's right here with us, has going on, including a special in the podcast tour. He's got a great podcast, too.

Jay, we can tell good people and fine people that we will be in the dallas area great shows in uh salt lake city thank you to all the dumb people town fans and they were amazing that's great dumb people towns podcast showed out they showed out keith i said hi yes great we did keith is the absolute best so uh i think and we talked to him about going to vegas so it looks like we're going to go to vegas We've never performed in Vegas. We're going to perform in his house. That's not entirely true.

Well, we never performed when it wasn't a Winnebago. I would say you did some of the best performing of all at an R&D salesman. Winnebago dealership owner event. Salesman annual event. Could not have been a worse audience. So we're going to go back there. I thought it was great. The roles were wonderful.

Thank you to everybody. That really really fun but we are going to be in dallas at hyenas which i love those clubs we'll be in fort worth on wednesday the 19th and then downtown dallas on thursday the 20th let's sell the shoes out let's sell them out and then we'll be in the secret group on the uh 21st and 22nd daniel you might be in dallas might be jump up and do a little in dallas or hou going to be in Dallas or Houston maybe? Dallas is less likely, but there's a chance. There's a good chance I'm in Houston when you're there. Come on, do a guest set. At least one.

At least a Friday night. Daniel's going to perform on the show if he's there. I'd love it. So get your tickets. It's going to be fun. Stop. Well, I might have to go to Wisconsin. All right, fine. I got you.

And we have lots of good stuff happening over the summer, including this Kevin Hart show that we're writing on, which I'm very excited about, the Olympic show. We'll get that as it sort of nears. Taggots. Taggots. We're doing it at Largo on the 25th. Supersclaras.com has all of that information.

Follow us on Instagram and Twitter, at Sclar Brothers. Sean. Sean, Jordan. What are the specials, buddy? Tell us. Special. Boom, hit it.

So the special, it came out on Patreon. So if you're feeling froggy you can go buy it on patreon but it uh it you can listen to it it's on spotify now it's called girl dead and i worked really hard on it it's the first time i ever like worked hard on stand-up in your life i don't really do what do you mean by that like i really really got it all together i made my first album and it was like hodgepodge but this one i put thought into every word every single word i got it like as close to perfect as i can get something great and uh and yeah and then we're doing i'm lucky enough to be a part of the all fantasy everything podcast started by you are phenomenal on that podcast which we will have you know thank

you brother it is a very very fun one uh and we're going on tour we're doing the whole east coast new york philly dc boston getting up to toronto where in chicago are you guys doing your show do you know the den theater love the den we just added a second one so nice and what that's on like june 20th or 21st i think right i want to say yeah and and where in uh boston are you gonna be arts at the armory okay it's in somerville in new york which new york we're in the bell house the best yeah if you're there that tuesday go ahead and buy a ticket yeah let's uh let's get that tuesday go ahead and buy a ticket for the tuesday show get that tuesday it's one of the most fun

shows to listen to oh my god and live it really gets i i had the pleasure of doing it with you guys at uh high plains last year the electricity behind each pick one of the most fun we talked about afterwards that takes it real serious which is great oh yeah we did little debbie snack cakes i know and they're making new ones by the way dude all right that was at a dive bar yeah damn that's a great that's a good one that's a great good categories you had to pick a song an aesthetic a feature oh person perfect like a food right yeah perfect what was your food dan cheese curds i don't i think mine was free popcorn probably something yeah probably i think mine was the free popcorn at a time the hot the two was it free hot dogs free hot dogs at rudy's on 44th

and 9th in new york city two hour drafts and free. Everybody should go see All Fantasy. Everybody should listen to Girl Dad. Thank you. The dive bar guy that I picked was a guy who's divorced. They're trying to talk to younger women. Do you remember who I picked as my person? No.

The old slut. God bless him. Her. Her, sorry. Specifically her. And she's so much fun. And she's always like, I could still talk to you if I want. Oh, sorry. Specifically her. And she's so much fun, and she's always like, I could still talk to you if I want.

Like, oh, my gosh. That was so much fun. You're not that tall. You're not that young. I bet I can ride this. I bet I can is followed with something that they can't do. It's such a good podcast. If you like our podcast, you will love this podcast.

Go see it live. Add it to your queue. Literally go see it live. And then thank us. And seriously, we say this over and over again, but the way you can support comics like us is to listen to their stuff,

to give it positive reviews, to give it... You want to tell people to hit up SiriusXM and say, hey, give me some more of those Girl Dad spins. Play those spins. True story.

All right, Daniel. Ready? Jump into story two. This is not a am i the asshole but i'm real curious to see throughout the story where you where we land here's the headline bride wants a divorce a day after the wedding okay because husband broke her quote one rule day after the wedding divorce one rule pretty talked about Club? Derek, this is from Derek, the legendary daddy, at Game Design Dude. Been around for a while.

And it's not Derek Lipkin. That's another Derek. A woman has revealed how she broke up with her husband the day after their wedding because he ignored her one request and grabbed her by the back of the head and smashed her face into the cake. What?

You guys all have been married at least once. Dude, grabbed her by the back of the head. Sounds so vicious. Smashed her head into the cake. Smashed her head into. Did any of the three of you do cake on the face bullshit? No, we ate. We fed each other the cake.

Gingerly. I think I off of a fork. With love. You went off of the fork? I gave a fork and I fed. We ate it with our hands like animals we uh laura and i spit in each other's mouths like no yeah dude bird love let's call bird love dude yeah no i hate each other i let her smack you on the face could you imagine if you're at a wedding

and they baby birded each other oh my god so he eats it cake and then she lays down and he drops it no i wonder how many people would leave. One uncle would leave and another uncle would be like, hell yeah. So here's the short-sightedness of this. See, Karen? So she's extrapolating that I will tell him to do something and he'll

never do it no matter what it is. This is an example. But the feeding of the cake is the only time you will feed this person anything for the rest no not true you never sat across an italian restaurant but like here just try it no come on put the food in the other person's mouth you never know you never know i'm not and by the way if you're across the table a little tortellini daniel if you're across the table, Daniel, if you're across the table, there's no way you can reach behind and grab their head and slam it at you.

Smash it into the air and catch it. Where you put your hand under it, too, and then your shirt's getting in your spaghetti. Thank you. There's care taken when you do it that way. This is the only time you ever get to like... But if your partner said, do not do this, you wouldn't do it, right?

I think it's fine that he put his hand on the back of the head. It's fine that he smashed it down. The fact that he held her face in it. He didn't need to try to drown her in buttercream. That felt like overkill. Now I think she has a case. Yeah, you want those centerpieces now? Yeah.

Did he have to stand over her? The woman wrote into U.S. magazine's Us magazine, Slate's advice column column dear prudence under the moniker give him till february and explained how she got married just before christmas christmas wedding but is now hoping christmas wedding is not fair to the guests i went to a christmas dan it's not fair to they had like 35 christmas trees around the dance floor the mom the mom told us on the day of the wedding because i was in the wedding she she told us that she had a nightmare that we all got drunk and

started pissing into the christmas trees i was like don't tell us that i would so don't make that real slides down a chimney it was negative 14 degrees on the wedding day two guys got locked outside of the hotel oh my my God. Yes. Dan, the Christmas wedding is the dumbest idea. I'm gonna be naughty. I'm gonna get it in under the wire. They think I'm nice. Just slam her face. So they got married

just before Christmas, but is now hoping to get a divorce or an annulment before the end of January due to her husband's disrespect. She revealed she told him the day after her wedding that it was quote, over. But during the Christmas holidays, many friends told her to give

him a second chance and not give up at the first hurdle. Spirit of Christmas. Doesn't it really depend on the hurdle? There's going to be a lot more hurdles. If that's the first hurdle, that's what they're saying. I agree. That's what I think. She is an idiot i'm gonna tell you he is he is also but to me a hurdle is you're not allowed to drink and he gets drunk at the wedding that's a big hurdle that's a massive hurdle it's almost a wall you didn't

listen to me and you bit my face in the thing it's like you can be mean to him you can tell him that he's got to do like 20 nice things to you. I think people really picture, some people, really picture what their day is going to be. And this is a thing she didn't want at all. Except that. The pictures, I'm assuming, because when the cake comes, it's the end of the night. Oh, really?

It's usually the beginning of the night. No, no, no. The pictures are all done. They will take pictures of that. They will take pictures of that right away these days. Cutting out a cake and all that stuff? Let's take pictures of it, but I'm saying like the family photos. The mom, dad, the dad dance, the girl dance.

That's all early. That's earlier. The makeup, everything. The walking in. All that is already taken. So like you can let loose a little bit. You know what I mean? Yeah, and just do it.

How many brides know where their shoes are at the end of the night? Nobody. Journalist, Janae Desmond at the end of the night? Nobody. Journalist Janae Desmond Harris, who writes the agony aunt column, I don't know how that got into Dear Prudence, advised her to continue with the divorce and even question her friend's writing, make a mental note about which of your loved ones don't seem to value your happiness. Wow. Now, here's a picture, and I don't know if this is a stock photo.

That guy looks like a goddamn psychopath or a photo of the wedding but you tell me you still want to stay with this guy oh god he looks like the devil in you know movies in most movies yeah he's the guy who's like he did also like i would have i would have gotten rid of him for the necklace he's not holding the back of her head it might necklace over the shirt no tie i don't know if that's no tie that might not be the column has now gone viral with hundreds of people shocked by the husband's behavior give him till february hundreds is that viral is that viral hundreds good questions let's just say let's just say that the column has piqued some interest so dan sure we got some reaction special daniel special has been viewed over 70 000 times i saw

the video yeah uh it's so good it's way to a hundred thousand and i hope the same happens to you shawnee when that page shawnee connie i'm not gonna watch dance but i appreciate it don't watch it do not well you don't have to watch it just put it on and hit play on the background let him get people like just just play it turn your computer around and just put it on the background uh as you're putting your daughter to sleep. I'm telling you, you're going to get to 100,000. That's fair enough. That is more than hundreds.

I don't know if I consider that viral. I don't even know if I consider it. In the scheme of YouTube, I'd be like, is that viral? 100,000. 100,000 is good. Yeah, good. That's a good thing. Give until February.

Explained. That's the pride. I never cared about getting married, but i wasn't opposed to it so when my boyfriend proposed in 2020 we decided to go for it we each took on about half the responsibility for organizing the wedding but i think i was pretty reasonable about compromise when he really wanted something my only hard and fast rule is that he would not rub cake in my face at the reception which now makes me feel like he's one of these guys. It's like the thing you say don't do, he almost has to do it to see if you still love him.

It's like the Kevin McDonald. Don't work out every morning when you get up. That's what I would hate for the rest of my life. Yes. If you got up and did like a thousand sit-ups every day. God, I'm so mad at that. I'd love to do that. He breaks that rule.

Being a reasonable man who knows me well, he didn't. Instead... She said, don't rub it on my face. Being a reasonable man... Still me well, he didn't. Instead, she said, don't rub it on my face. Being a reasonable man. Still talking about the cake? No. Talking about. 69 days.

Push them together. Being a reasonable man who knows me well, he didn't. Instead, he grabbed me by the back of the head and shoved my head down into it. It was planned since the cake was destroyed and he had a bunch of cupcakes as backup. So he knew this was like all along. The whole time he was like i know this is the thing she doesn't want to do i'm gonna do it and i'll ruin the cake and then i got cupcakes what's his play like is it his friends there's like it's a bit of an ass

right if she's trying to tell you what to do so you better you gotta draw a line in the sand now. You established that she... I said, I said, I said, I said. You said that to her face? That's what I... I was on the way out. I said it out loud. I said it out loud. As the door closed and she was upstairs and I was downstairs, I said...

I said, babe. I love that sketch so much. She went on to explain how she left the next day. But over the holidays, everyone has got together to implore her to give him a second chance. Why? Why are people... Ruined everyone's Christmas.

Oh, my God. That is a... That is a Christmas miracle. That is a Christmas miracle. Lillie Wett also questioned if she was overreacting because... She questioned it. She said she's very claustrophobic following a car accident and that she absolutely panicked after being shoved into the cake did she have an

accident with a cake truck now as a man who knows his limits dan you do know your limits and you don't like claustrophobic anytime you do feel like let me down i can't get up yeah close dead if you are claustrophobic, you instantly will go get, like you will go to 10. You'll go to 10. You go feral. I mean, you just gotta like get safe. Yes.

And so I do understand that she was like, not only did I not want cake on my face, given the option, I feel like she probably would have chose that over pin me down and hold my face. And nobody wants to go nuts at their own wedding. No one wants to be seen at that level at their own wedding. No. Yes, be seen at that level at their own wedding.

You're right. No. Yes, you're right. That's another great point. In your wedding. Nobody wants to be put into the red zone. Right. And then she doesn't want people saying, is she all right?

Yeah. I don't know about, well, I'll ask you guys at the end of this. I don't know about the leaving or not leaving. But if I'm her and I'm adopting all the things she says she's feeling and taking it as genuine, there's a part of me that would be like, what do we do here now, man? Because I asked for one thing. You said, fuck that.

Then the thing you did to me was almost worse than you doing it. So, Dan, that is... And you premeditated the whole... It was like you got a little drunk in between the ceremony and the reception. This was something you were going to do no matter what I said i said probably immediately probably right when she said it he was like and also looking for cupcakes why is this so important to you to him to do it right so like if to break the one thing i asked but but the cake thing why is that so but also there why is an arms race of why is this so important like to her i would be curious to go had i never asked you

i swear to god don't worry we may end this anyway we may end this anyway so you don't really have any reason saying it would do you think it would have even entered your mind i would ask for a percentage of my that's a good how much that's good was my saying that i didn't want to do it was it 55 of what made you want to do it did you want to do it already no but this is you probably would never get it that's a great my niece is a cupcake year right is that what you call it cupcake year well so this is my cupcake it's the it's the action itself why is that so important now if it's that she was like listen i night, I'm going to be so tired and we have sex all the time.

Like we don't need to have sex tonight on our wedding night. That's not what I want to do. And then he's like, okay, okay. And then the next comment, now you're talking about rape. So that's like a crazy other thing. But also, even if he had said, I understand that it's something you want to do, but it would affect his level of enjoyment to where he could say,

like, can we talk about that? Because that is something I would want. So let me pose it in a different about that right because that is so let me pose it yeah he goes for it let me pose in a different way sticking her head in the cake is so it is kind of violent don't you think if we were at a wedding table it is if we were at a wedding table at this wedding and we saw that we'd all be like oh no no even if we were only invited like we were all of our dates were the people who knew that we don't know these people at all of our dates were the people who knew that we don't know these people at all we would be like that is not gonna that is not gonna talk to that guy yeah or you'd be like she's gonna be pissed oh yes so i'm saying if he just would have taken

a piece and like smashed it in her face like that is better than the yes that is way better than head and i think she'd have been pissed but maybe not she would not have been like i'm leaving you're an asshole she would have been like you're an asshole yeah who when you're not having sex anyone likes a hand on the back of their head i never i never want that in a normal what unless you're having sex it's like if you're if it's on it's on exactly but in real life in real life any other situation somebody's like somebody comes up and they just put my fucking yeah i'm like your hand off so no there was a sunny in a bronx there was a history teacher at our school that would like he would like wrangle you grab like boys and like grab them by the back of their head and i was like this is come over here boys we're going too aggressive i'm like

wait why does this guy get to be the assistant manager for the water polo team she uncomfortable uncomfortable true story she went on to say she loves him but doesn't feel that at all right now and that her friends tell her it's a serious mistake to divorce so quickly however dozens of people responded saying it was a red flag and that her wishes weren't respected man i kind of hope this is the clip because i feel like we're gonna get a lot of townie responses on this so i'll ask you we'll get out here on this just just where do you side and how severe do you think she should go with it so let's set it up one more time so man a woman says i never really wanted to get married i do not want you to stop i don't want you to put my face in the cake no i don't want you to put my face in the cake. No, I don't want you to put smash cake in my face.

And he disregards it. Not only does he disregard it, he literally dunks her head in like it's a baptism by cake. Head in the cake, which is so fun. Christ on a cake. Christ on a cake. That's the best time at Lollapalooza. Right? Christ on a cake.

Head in the cake. And then he has cupcakes. So he's now made a plan and he has cupcakes there because we ruined the cake. Because he knows he's going to do this. Right. Well ahead of time.

Well ahead of time. And it's the one thing that she doesn't want to do. I think, first of all, I think she needs to be a little more flexible in life but the back of the head thing ruins it for me.

I'm like, you can leave him. He's an asshole. Get out of it now. My verdict is we're definitely on probationary time thing ruins it for me i'm like you should you can leave him he's an asshole like get out of it my verdict is definite we're definitely on probationary time and and like one indication of other like yeah we're done yeah i think would you leave i think as somebody who's been married for a couple years that if that bothers you that much to where you're thinking about getting divorced wait until someone's leaving the lights on or wait until all those cupboards in the kitchen

are open for no reason. Oh my God. Wait until, bro, I'm saying, wait until. No, I'm with you. Wait until like the bathroom fan never gets turned on. Air conditioning and it's 68 degrees outside. What are we doing in this house? They're going to get divorced.

I mean, I better, it's like cut your losses before you get in any deeper is what I would say. Yeah, maybe she knows her, Dan, knows her limitations and she's like, look, I understand the thing that's going to make me really mad, and if I don't want to commit a homicide, let's get out of this thing right now. I would assume if they've been together for years,

he also knows she doesn't like being, like, pinned down face, like, claustrophobic stuff. She's claustrophobic. Like, he would also know that about a person you've been... The fact that he doesn't understand what claustrophobia is. Maybe he doesn't know that she was in a car accident. They don't know each other that well. They don't know each other.

I say it's like the, to quote an old, there's an old Louis C.K. bit where he's like, when you're just dating someone and you're like, oh, and then you have kids and you're like, oh, I could have left then. I can't leave now. So like, but you can, you can leave at any time. I'm saying this is your moment.

You just got, it just got kind of revealed to you in a big way it's not like somebody having a hard moment and you can understand why it wasn't like his dad came over and yelled at him and so then she came over and was like what's wrong and he's like i can't talk right now like it's not like he snapped at her because someone snapped this is a premeditated chosen thing meditated disrespect yeah and it is in all seriousness like This is a premeditated face smash. This is a premeditated chosen thing. Premeditated disrespect. Yeah. And it is, in all seriousness,

like it is a tiny, a minor infraction in the grand scheme of things. Yes. Agreed. But it matters so much to her and it was a clear violation of what she wanted. Right. So I'm just, that's going to spiral. I don't care about the things that you care about.

It is going to turn into like a don't drive when you're drunk thing and he's going to be like, well, shut up. I'm fine. You should. Here I go driving. It's like, I'm fine. All right, there you go. Story number two in the books. Sorry to get so serious. No, you're right. Give us a little taste. We got more

shenanigans at a zoo. There you go. I love it, always. All right, we come back, we'll hear what Daniel's got going on, how you can support him. It's Dumb People Town with the great Sean Jordan. Stick around, make us down, there's more Dumb People Jordan. Let me ask you something. You ever feel like you need a little boost in the bedroom? Well, with HIMS, you will feel confident knowing that you can get hard and stay hard whenever you're in the mood.

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The ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in this discussion. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't People Tell. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Before we jump into story number three that Jason is just teeing up perfectly shenanigans at a zoo uh daniel i again i'm gonna say it out loud again i loved wine club it was such a great

movie watching on tubi right now just really great little movie i loved your chemistry with your uh taylor star taylor was so ortega she was great. You were great. Steve Little, amazing. But you carry that damn film, Dan, and I love it. So go see Wine Club and then you got some great dates happening this summer

including the Comedy Fest. Yeah, I'm doing Hub City Comedy Week at the Lincoln Lodge. It's like five nights of me doing new material, all themed shows, super fun.

How many seats is the Lincoln Lodge? Well, there's three different theaters there and I think over the course of the week I'll be in all three of them some are like little fun

like black box 40 seaters and then there's the 120 main room great and there's gonna be late night shows there's going to be like a happy hour show

every night is a little bit different whole bunch of great local Chicago comics when is this it is gonna be July 16th through the 21st if you're any i've told every comic like if you're anywhere near there you want to come do sets work

out new shit hang out at the lincoln lodge get to where are you going to be are you close to that or no i'm going to be there in august for a couple days like three weeks after this i might be too and i'll come hang with you so uh go to danielvankirk.com all that stuff's at the lincoln lodge i hope to see you there and watch Rose Gold if you haven't yet. Let's get Rose Gold over 100,000. That's our goal. Can I say something real quick? Yeah, sure.

I just want to say this rules, and thank you for having me. You guys are all so fantastic, and this is such a fun thing. I just like giving people their flowers. Feelings mutual. Right back at you, dude. I got a little goosebumps. This is dope. You do make it great, and you are a great great hang this is what people kind of don't understand it's like we had such a good time

doing our show in portland but then after the show it was you and us and kyle canane came down and we're like jeff tate jeff tate and we're like sitting in the green room and we're like we're just hanging out we're like okay let's take this party elsewhere we went and did karaoke i'm like this is that was really fun. You don't understand. For those people who their night was coming to see us do comedy, that was the night. And then afterwards we had a night. Yeah, we did.

That was one, going back to the cake smashing thing, that's one thing I've learned with my wife. I'm like, if I'm going to have a night, we definitely set it up and have a talk about it where I'm like, I'm going to have a night tonight. I'm not going to get nuts, but I'm going to'm gonna come home i'm gonna be kind of worthless yes for a while but then i'll get up when i gotta get up yeah this is good communication that's great communication you smash your face in the cake especially in the baby here we go

dan this is we've heard this story before and and it's of something Just an idiot at a zoo? No. Zoo goers outraged to discover panda exhibit was actually dogs dyed black and white. Stop it. Are you? Will they not stop doing this? No. Remember there was the guy who they thought was in a bear suit because it was a bear standing on its hind legs?

Did that end up being a bear? It turns out these dogs are just men in dog costumes. You shouldn't be able to see the scene. I'll try to cut to the link and show you that. Wait, Sean, what were you going to say? I just, I'll listen more. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, all right.

Formulate your thoughts. I will. Trigger warning, this is from the New York Post. All right. Not even the Middle Kingdom's mascot is safe from Chinese counterfeit rings. Okay. This guy was just hanging out on 14th Street in New York. A zoo in China sparked all-out pandemonium.

Oh, stop it. Come on. Shut up. That's fine. New York Post. This person in a cage. After they dressed dogs as pandas because they didn't have the genuine artifact as seen in viral photos. The fake pandas unveiled May 1st.

Let's talk about what dog do you think this is going to be? A Bichon? Burmese. That's what I was going to get at. Not a Bichon. Many pandas. No 1st let's talk about what dog do you think this is going to be a bichon burmese not a bichon frisee pandas a beat no like a chow shetland pandas i think a burmese i think it's more like a chow i'll i'll show you what it feels right uh the taiju zoo in zhangsu province were actually chow chow dogs brother a big-haired breed from northern china jam press reported they put the so-called panda dogs on display in an enclosure every day from 8 to 5 p.m attracting throngs of people despite the obvious bamboozlement oh come on so by the way dogs legs are i hate you new york i've been trying to think of a pun this whole time they just got to i mean i guess okay so a chow dog's legs are thin a chow maybe has like the fur around they obviously

weren't good at it i know but i'm just trying to think like how they thought we're gonna make this go what's that panda barking at why is it lifting it's like uh why do my adidas have five stripes on them because they do that's just so Chinese. All right. When they asked why they had the canines engage in panda cosplay, a rep explained, there are no panda bears at the zoo. We wanted to do this as a result. Oh, what?

So he's just like, we did this. Crime-fu panda. That's not bad, right? That's pretty good. That's pretty great, Dan. No, but that is, so they they're like we don't have that normally people be like we don't even have that exhibit but also like they're like you don't have the exhibit just put dogs in there and have them doing fun dogs put dogs in there and have somebody

just like put dogs in one of those domesticated child somebody would like 100 tennis balls yeah and just start throwing around i'll stand there for an hour and watch dogs go nuts over tennis balls if you could throw balls to golden retrievers at the zoo you would do it or if they gave you like what laser had on American Gladiator and you have to shoot the tennis ball and then

the dogs went to go get it except you don't want to shoot them at the dog it's long term fetch long distance or that thing that allows you to throw it oh yeah like the the thing that feels like an ancient weapon that we've just made that thing that always seems to get the ball at the playground where i'm with my daughter and the dog has to come flying over to get through the pit bull just knocking up on some dudes yeah of course you have many many visitors accused the sanctuary of animal cruelty however the zoo officials insist well i hope not cruelty it's just dogs having sean at the park. Of course you have. Many visitors accuse the sanctuary of animal cruelty.

However, the zoo officials insist... Well, I hope not cruelty. It's just dogs having a good time. Sean puffing up at the park. Hey, is there anywhere else you might be able to throw that? Excuse me, excuse me. Pardon me, pardon me, sir.

You know what? Yep, we're still here. We're still right here with the little kid. All those tattoos are perfect. Hey, you know what? There's a great little area right over there

that you could throw it. Come, Sean. What if you came down here and threw it the other way? Just a thought. Sean Puffy Jordan. Oh, I had Stan. I used to do Sean, was it Crosby Stills and Insane Clown Jordan. Some joke that I've, like the first joke I ever wrote.

And that's where the Sean Cougar Melon Jordan thing came from on Instagram. Sean Cougar Melon Jordan. I love it. All right. They insist that the dog fishing scheme, dog fishing instead of cat fishing, scheme isn't harmful to animals. People also dye their hair, rationalize the spokesperson. No. No, it's actually true.

Not my real hair. You see a lot of people who do dye their dogs hair. Natural dye can be used on dogs if they have long fur. It's true. My neighbor, his daughter wants to do pink hair on the little white dog every once in a while, and they do it. I've seen that. Who was the woman who had the dog over at Starburns? She had a podcast.

She's so sweet, and she's great. Jackie? Yeah. Her little dog was so cute and had pink things in there. All right. People also dye their hair. They said, okay, many social media users were on board with these. Yeah, but you're trying to pass off a dog as a panda like that's what you're trying to do you're being deceitful

when you it's not against the law they don't sit like that they don't sit like legs out right they were on board many people were on board with these canines in panda clothing with one fan writing they are very small to run that fast i think they're lovely you don't know what a panda is it'd be fine with me i wouldn't I don't know what a panda said another a third quipped well that's an extreme way to get your dogs cared for

while you're at work lol that is pretty funny if I was on a trip I'd be like send these things to the zoo especially with my ball idea it's the lie that's bothering me

if you just said we got dogs painted like pandas I'd be like tight that's a funny part of the story panda dogs yeah you'd be at a club for the weekend they're like

what are you doing around I'm like I heard they have dogs painted like pandas and they let them like chase tennis a panda dogs yeah you'd be at a club for the weekend they're like what are you doing wrong i'm like i heard they have dogs painted like pandas and they let them like chase tennis balls all day so i think we're gonna go do that you're adding the tennis ball thing that's i know because in my mind that's so much you're adding a level of interaction that you just don't get a quarter a little treat drops out and you get to give them a treat what if you could throw balls like giant balls to giraffes and let them run and catch them? Wouldn't that be awesome? It would be the greatest thing ever.

Giving dogs panda makeovers is nothing new. Panda makeover? A decade ago. Move that bus! Pups dressed as the bamboo-eating bears became such a hot item that pet stores couldn't meet the demand. So that became like a, can you give me one of them panda dogs? Can you give like a black eye around this? Yeah, build a pet.

That's it. That's it at the mall. Damn. This whole episode is called Build a Panda. This is a quote. This is not me saying this. 10 years ago, the natural instinct of a Chinese person was to eat a dog.

This is in the New York Post? Sun Shen, a pet shop owner in Chengdu. Oh, wait. Somebody lives there. Yeah. Told London's Metro newspaper, now we're like Westerners and want one as a companion. Great. And then they've evolved past it and they want them to look like pandas.

The cute breeds like French Bulldogs, Randy's got two, and Labradors were the favorites, but now it is the panda dog. All right. I'm going to try and click on this link. Panda dog. I used to think Jason Lee was singing singing that song he's not fever dog and how do you care get me into this link sorry you got it baby so i want to show it to you guys and you can see these little dogs playing around and they're playing around they're just wolfing and whatnot will it not dance not you oh here we go okay just

tap it on the bottom all right so no no no it was it was not working for me it wasn't coming all right you can turn it and show it these are the little dogs see dad likes it they're cute first of all guys i was not far off from a bashan these are the tiniest tiniest little chow chow dog. It is super cute. That is exactly what I was thinking in my head. Adorable. I want two of them. They did a wonderful job making these dogs look like dog pandas. There's video of them, Dan.

I'm there all day. All day for that, right? Is that the ball thing that I heard they do there? Dan, there is no ball thing. They got that treat machine. That is not a thing. Yeah, it's one yen for a little treat machine. One yen.

There they are. All right, Dan, here they are walking around. Oh, my God. They're so cute. I could be convinced those were pandas for sure. No. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, because he's getting up.

He's up. He's up. He was on the back legs. He's up. That does look like a dog. The tail. These pandas are wimpy. Here's what I don't like.

legs he's up that does look like a tail these pandas are here's what i don't like it looks like they somehow stuck their tails to their back oh so that i'm uh yeah there's probably something like there's definitely some cruelty that we're not acknowledging that i do want to apologize for but and by the way the dogs are moving kind of better i guess than cutting the tail off i mean all right so i there are a lot of people who would never, who'd see a small animal and be like, wait, have you ever seen a panda? Mini pandas. Dude, he kind of looks like him.

He's sitting there. Well, the tail thing helps. With the amount of stuff I don't know. Yeah, I mean, if somebody just had like a zoo employee shirt on. Just said those are Chinese mini pandas. I'd be like, of course they are. We're breeding mini pandas. They're like dogs.

Who am I to say they're not? I bet I could be tricked if they're like, these are mini pandas. They look like we're breeding mini pandas they're like dogs who am i to say right they're not i bet i could be tricked if they're like these are mini they look like chow they look like dogs they're but they're more someone crossbred a panda with a dog it looks like spray paint all over him but that's just how yeah but once you shoot that tennis ball and they go running dan there is no you're gonna know right away it's dog behavior right there treats are dog treats so when you ask who's dumb in this story, okay, the zoo. New York Post is number one. The New York Post is number one.

Sure. I love that show. Anyone who's upset about that, I'll tell you what, don't be mad. Unless it hurts the animals. Hey, man. Of course. We don't know everything we don't know. As long as it doesn't hurt the animals.

Go with the assumption it doesn't hurt the animals when in China. All right, guys guys That is the show Girl Dad Girl Dad Girl Dad is a special I see everything everywhere All the everywhere Where can people get Girl Dad

One more time Where can they listen You can listen Just go on Spotify It'll come out later But it's There's a Patreon If you want to buy it

I don't expect anyone I understand It's out to listen to The audio is out So go listen to it Patreon.com slash Sean Jordan And where'd you film it

Mississippi Studios in Portland Fantastic awesome good man it looks good uh rose gold and then come see us all live superschoolers.com danielvankirk.com and i'm assuming your dates is it at all fantasy everything or no is it uh they're all on our individual website so seanjordancomedian.com you can go there we go that's how you do it guys we love you and oh by the way we got to get back to work. We'll see you. Bye. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more at All People Town.