Dumb People Town - Shane Torres - Bringing Sand To The Beach

Episode Date: December 12, 2023

Comedian Shane Torres (Blue Eyed Mexican) stops by as Jason describes a man claiming to have a back injury posts photos of himself hanging upside down from a zipline, Daniel covers a Taco Bell employee that is suing the company after their Christmas party becomes an orgy, and Randy warns about a romantic vacation getting ruined by hotel porn, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Skylight Calendar and Faherty! As a special, limited time offer for our listeners, get $15 off your purchase of a Skylight Calendar when you go SkylightCal.com/DPT.  Head to FAHERTYBRAND.com/DPT and use code DPT at checkout for 20% off your order.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan Man, dirt, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Tunker Down is Dump People Town

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just go to skylightcal.com slash dpt so to get 15 off your purchase of a skylight calendar just go to skylight cal.com slash dpt that's s-k-y-l-i-g-h-t-c-a-l.com slash d-p-t hey guys welcome to another episode of dumb people town population population taurus shane taurus hi my friend hi shane taurus the third uh it's actually it is uh shane taurus the fifth oh wow so it's a long line of shane taurus Torres. Shane Torres. Hi, my friend. Hi, Shane Torres. Is Shane Torres the third? It is Shane Torres the fifth. Oh, wow. So it's a long line of Shane Torres. Yeah. Is that real or a bit? It feels real.

Damn! It's a conspiracy! It's a conspiracy. We will reveal it to you. You hate when your comedy friend says something that you're really interested in, but you don't know if you're an idiot? Because they're so good. Because he's so good. Also, when you know you're about to say something interesting to your friend, and you have to tell them, you have to preemptively be like, this is not a bit. This is not a bit.

If you're not in bit mode, and you're like. You fucking know, Ian Carmel's dad was a for-kate writer. Wait, but Dan, don't you know that your sneakiest and funniest comedy friends will say this is not a bit when they go about to do a bit? They will say that you like, I can't trust you. I can't trust you at all. I'm so allergic to wings. Dan, this is what do you have a cat? I can't be here.

I really you guys. The best though is when you know it's a bit and you're with civilians and they're so awkward by the fact that like they don't know they think you really did kick your own friend out of the bar yeah and i said why don't you fuck it it's our friend we're doing anyway all right here's the beauty so we have shane here from from new york i'm very excited we have him here because the world is so dumb that we just need to make sense of it and we have three stories it's funny three stories that get sent to us by our awesome fans and we will try and make sense of it jay you have the first story i do let's jump into right now and then we'll talk

about shane's awesome special at the summer time you guys are from st louis right yes yeah i have a st louis story for you oh yeah we'll do that at the top of the segment let's do it okay uh this is sent in by carlene mcdermott at she be carlene thank you uh i'll do the headline she be carlene she sends great stories to us she's out there that's her we have like our dumb stringers out there that's fucking they're out there on the dumb boots on the ground uh man claiming and i won't tell you how much money he wants to get good for back injury post pictures hanging upside down on zip wire okay you can't sue people isn't that therapeutic it isn't isn't that a thing isn't that the reaction is there have you ever tried one of those shane or that you know like upside down upside down it's like a giant cot

that you flip upside down and then you're hanging how do you get back strapped to it yes you're strapped to it it's hannibal lecter style hannibal lecter style flipped it's upside down there's it's kind of like the inversion technique or something like that you know that's the thing too they say like there's a time in your life the last time you say let's pretend and like really mean it you'll do it like again when you have kids but like as for yourself that you never know the last time you're gonna say let's pretend yeah they're also you don't know the last time you're going to say, let's pretend. Yeah. Also, you don't know the last time you're going to hang upside down for fun. Right? As someone who's been curvy their whole life,

it has never been fun for me to meet. Right. You're not in the back. That is truly. So maybe you ended at five. Maybe five was your last time. If I'm being generous. If we're being generous.

Have you ever done a zip line? No. Have you? What am I, one of these assholes outside of the rio i think i'm doing a talent but i might be doing a show in kawaii next year you should dan and and i love kawaii i've been there a couple times but i will i would a hundred percent with your back i go back so wait so have you done that in the never i love quite i have you do a zipline have has anybody parasailed as well no i've parasailed and zipline up in anybody parasailed as well? No. I parasailed and ziplined. Up in Tahoe, there is this great sort of high ropes course thing. And I was like, even though you're hooked into a thing, I was terrified to walk across this thing.

But then you zip down and you can like see the whole, because it's up. You can like see. Is it fun when you're zipping? Oh, my God. It's the greatest thing in the world when you're zipping. But walking across. You walk across. Even like, I'm nervous about heights and stuff. Oh my God. It's the greatest thing in the world. But walking across.

I'm nervous about heights and stuff. This was great because the more I did it, the better you got. And the more you're kind of like, well, if I just fall, you're just hanging. The more you do it, the better. The more comfortable you get. So you walk across super narrow things. It's like wire walking at times. It's crazy. When you tour with Bert, you guys haven't gotten into some weird shit that you're like, why am I doing this? Is Bert like, come on, it's like wire walking at times. It's crazy. I mean, when you tour with Bert, you guys haven't gotten into some weird shit that you're like,

why am I doing this? Is Bert like, come on, let's go do this? We do plenty of weird. Didn't you guys like, you got in the third quarter of a Nebraska game? That's how crazy it is. Two interceptions. They're like, all right, who still has eligibility? We need an undersized lineman.

Who has eligibility? We're doing a bit. But you guys have done some wild shit. We do some wild shit, but I for sure am the person in this party who's like, I think I'll sit. I don't want to be the cliff jumper. I don't want anything that results in injury. If I am laid up for three weeks, it'll be financially devastating.

I did zip line in Vegas. I did the Fremont Street zip line. So that's... It's really fun. It's fun. A white trash cover band is playing Heart Attack. She's my and I'm like

It's worth. It's fun. Let's go to the Golden Horseshoe and play some crafts. Why do you always drag me here? Oh, my God. Look at that divorce happening. Someone set up an IV for me. All right. Let's get into this.

So he says I have a back injury. So he wants a big payout. And we'll guess later what that is. He has pictures of him hanging upside down. Fake back injuries. Was caught after he posted photos of himself hanging upside down from a zip wire on a holiday in Mexico. So, by the way, you can do it. I'm saying this is bad.

You should never try and defraud people out of money. That's awful. But if this guy is going to do it, you can go to the zip line. You can take pictures. You can take pictures of it. So stupid. Don't post the photos. I don't.

So stupid. Yeah. How good was that photo, though? It had to be so good. You can take pictures of it. Don't post the photos. I don't. So stupid. Yeah. How good was that photo, though? It had to be so good. I'll show it to you. To post it. You know what I mean? Are these?

Keep going, because I'm going to have a lot of questions. Ask me whenever you want. His name is Frank. F-E-R-E-N-C. Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank.

Frank. Frank. Frank. Follow him. Frank and Gronk. Frank and Gronk. Frank and Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank. Frank and Gronk. Frank and Gronk. Frank and Frank, which is basically just Gronk.

Kieran Novitz. Do you want to guess how old he is now? Yeah, he's 54 years old. Dan says 54. I think that's a young man's move. I'm going to say mid-30s. 32. 39. Get your answers in. One of 32. 39. 39. 39.

Get your answers in. One of you is kind of close. Frank Kirinovitz is 45 years old. There you go. He should go better. That is. He's also like, he's the type of guy who's like 45 and he's like, I wish I was retired. He be Frank. I be Frank.

We've talked about this. I had to have a conversation with my mother and I said, mom, you need to understand whatever you say on facebook you are saying to a gymnasium full of people that's right that you don't even know are in the room and you are inviting them to speak back to you that's right this dude is even 45 this is too young but he's doing that thing where he thinks who's gonna see it right it's my thing like we are used to like if you put it out there it's gone he's too stupid you know he's gonna see it the insurance company that doesn't want to spend

the money on your ass. That is a salary to hunt down your shit. That is waiting for you to screw up. Waiting for you to screw up to not pay you. Said he suffered whiplash injuries and a prolapsed disc. I wish it was an anus. Me too. When a car drove into the back of him on August 2016. Not denying that that

didn't happen or he didn't feel that way. So he claimed a certain amount of money that he wanted compensation for the injuries which he said required surgery in 2019, but a judge found there was no way to link the whiplash and prolapse disc connected to the car accident. So already they're like, it's not happening.

He's from Lakenham, Norfolk, which I'm going to guess because it is in pounds, so I'm guessing this is England, was found to have lied about the extent of his injuries and loss of earnings to the point of criminal dishonesty. When you guys meet a dumb Englishman, are you just puzzled? Yeah, because

your accent says you're smarter than you are. Okay, this is the dumb thing I feel like you probably cover but... Unless it's like a super deep like, ain't it right? Like a cockney guy? They got like a laborer's tone yeah like this guy is definitely cockneyed you're like okay uh damien rourke from clyde and co llp who investigated the case i mean that's just lying in the weeds born to be an investigator damien rourke damien

rourke from clyde from clyde and co trying to fake injuries over a prolonged period is much more difficult in today's connected world it's what we're saying that's what we're saying we all know with so much social media cctv and the ability to easily take surveillance footage well now this guy's now you're stepping now you're like i lived in his in his backyard the ability to easily you know go through his garbage cctv like how much access do you have to closed circuit television? I mean, if there's... But he's talking about if you do something somewhere and there's a security camera from a business that catches you. Or can they tap into your ring footage?

Yeah. Like if you have a ring, Dan... I'll tell you, my information is out there for anyone to grab. Well, maybe if they're saying part of the investigation to see... Do you know there's a whole genre on YouTube of people just... Of just scary ring cam videos? Oh, yeah. Like people showing up to people's house in the part of the investigation to see if there's a whole genre on YouTube of people just just scary ring cam videos. Oh, yeah. Like people showing up to people's house.

Did you see the one of the snake? No. There's this guy who just goes up to brings a doorbell and a snake just comes down from like a rafter and just fucking like right on his face. Yeah. Yeah. So hot. Like crazy. I love it.

What's that? I call that a scare boner. What's that snake's? what's that called a scare boner what's that snakes what's that snakes problem in a medical examination over a year later in september 2017 kirinovitz alleged that the whiplash and a proleptus stopped him from working for three months in 2016 he also alleged it stopped him from starting a new job and could not clean garden go to the gym play football or swim or a zipline a private mri he didn't say he couldn't zip that's his medical he didn't say he couldn't zip where it is a private mri in budapest hungary that's where you go in europe when you want someone to like

should i get the mri is quite a trip in lancashire no private mri i mean if i pay for this international trip... They recommended he has neck surgery. But are you hip to how many people are going to Europe to get medical procedures? Oh, I'm sure. I mean... Is this a real thing? Oh, real thing.

I guarantee. Nose jobs, huge hair transplant. Sex change operations in Sweden. They're doing that? Is that for real? I don't know. Why are you guys keep bitten me? I'm sorry, Dan.

It's true. It's true. I know. I know i know i know i'm biting no no i'm biting hard i know dan i think that is 70s that was a big thing i'm going to sweden no but i mean there are people it's like it i think all in you can go to turkey to get rhinoplasty you're there for two weeks flights hotel hospital and procedure and it's like 4K, like 5K. I mean, it's 10K just to do it in the States. Yes. And then a lot of men are going to. Hold on.

I can go to Turkey for 4K, get rhinoplasty. Do you want it? I don't want it, but I would like to see Turkey. I would like to see some of the world. And if it's going to cost me, I'm not even getting surgery. So I think we could knock. That's a pretty big expense everywhere. Yeah. I might be able to get there for $ could knock that. That's a pretty big expense everywhere. Yeah.

I might be able to get there for $1,500. There's people doing their teeth. There's men doing the hair. That's not a transplant anymore, but like a follicle replacement. We have friends that have done that here in the States. I love that it's become such a thing that dudes are just like, yeah, I got my fucking hair. It's cool that the ownership is there now.

Yes. I tried to do it. I wasn't a candidate for it. Why would you need a candidate? It was just the hair that they had to take from here. They were just afraid that it was thinning. And they were like, you could run into a deal where we do this, and then you start losing it the other way.

And then we have to, you would just go back to shaving your head or whatever. Science isn't perfect yet. Yeah. You remember 2013, 2014. I can grow hair out to like you'd be like that dude is not bald yeah but it's just it thins enough for me that i'm like i'd rather just shave it yeah what you said the ownership of like men being like i don't yeah you're gonna shave it and not care or yes i got hair restoration but anyway there's a lot of people going overseas

like women or like a guy with real hair or fake hair do you think they i don't think they care i don't think a woman cares. I mean, you can see it jiggles differently, the hair. When they jog. When you jog, it's a lot different. It's firm on some guys. It's less firm on other guys. Really, what it is is it doesn't look natural to their body.

Yeah, exactly. But anyways, it is weird that he went to Hungary just for an MRI. And if you have too much hair, it gives you back problems. All right. A private. Okay. Clyde and company working on behalf of AXA UK discovered social media posts painting a very different picture to that of the injured man.

The post from a Mexico holiday in February. This dude's all over the place. This is six months before his neck surgery. Dummy. Say this again. I'm sorry. I missed a little bit. So, Clyde and Company, where this other guy works, where PI really firm,

right? They worked on behalf of AXA UK, which is the insurance company. This is when I need charts. They discovered social media posts painting a very different picture of that injured man who was supposed to have as you know decreed by this private mri place in budapest surgery hungary surgery in 2019 on his

neck and back so six months before that six months before his surgery they saw him hanging upside down from a rope zip lining and climbing ropes and ladders which i don't think you can do i was with him until the climbing ropes and ladders because i I don't think you can do. I was with him until the climbing ropes and ladders. Because I was like, if you're just hooked to something and you're flowing, maybe that doesn't hurt. I mean, I've dealt with a back injury like the back half of this year. Dan, you're going to love his response. When he was confronted with the evidence in Norwich County Court, Norfolk, on February 6th of this year, his response was,

he was told he may not be able to engage in sports after the surgery. So he wants to enjoy them one last time. Yeah. I mean, it sucks because that's a little grifty. It's like that. What? That's the lie you tell yourself. Right.

It's like that's the lie to tell yourself. That's what you tell your. To justify stealing. That's what you tell your fiance when you're like, look look I had to have sex one time with the stripper before because after this I'm not going to be able to know what I'm not going to be missing I'm going to rehab tomorrow I need to do every track right now I will

preface this by saying he you you you have to shut it down if you're in litigation to prove something however there could be a world where he's like no yeah I went and did that it hurt like fucking hell because it hurts to do this but if i'm not going to be able to do it at all afterwards i went and did it and like bit through the fucking pain and that and did it but the

problem is is when the surgery make it possible yeah i did it and it hurt but what hurt more yeah when your carelessness as a company hired a... Who here hasn't? By the way, it's... A Lionel Hutz kind of... Lionel Hutz, I was going to say the other great lawyer that Phil Hartman played was the caveman

on Frozen. Who do I know? I'm just a caveman. I don't know if little goblins got into your fax machine. I don't understand your modern zip-lining. I don't understand you ways. God. District Judge Jacqueline Raggett stated that there was no proof that his injuries...

Judge Raggett. Judge Raggett stated there was no proof that his injuries and surgery were related to the 2016 accident. and surgery related to the 2016 accident. Judge Raggett ruled that the claim as fundamentally dishonest and was ordered to repay AXA UK their legal cost estimated at a cost of what?

In pounds. We're not guessing what he asked for. We're not guessing what he asked for, but you're going to find out right now. We'll do that at the end. We're going to find out right now how much he had to pay. 5,000 pounds. 5,000 pounds? 35 thousand twenty seven thousand how about twelve thousand pounds there you go okay it's still a lot of money a lot of money it is a lot of money

uh damian uh damian rourke said it's important to realize that had he been successful mr kirinovitz crime would have would not have been victimless honest motorists around the country would ultimately have paid the cost of his fraud I mean come on now I'm on the guy's side they're going to hike it up anyway everybody's going to have to pay for this anyway really if this

zip lining lunatic hadn't gotten $200,000 you wouldn't be paying an extra $8 oh wait I'm sorry this 12,000, you wouldn't be paying an extra eight bucks a month. Oh, wait, I'm sorry. This 12,000 pounds that he repaid is now going to save everybody money? I agree. Yeah.

Maybe that's the biggest crime that this guy did in this whole situation, which was make the insurance companies seem like a victim. Right. You know what I'm saying? Don't do that. All you have to do is not post a fucking...

I'll show you the photos. You're going to love them. Chris Walsh, commercial claims director at axa uk said insurance fraud is a serious crime which has significant consequences for fraudsters and i'm gonna show you all these pictures that i can't wait you're gonna so he's oh yeah i mean Oh, yeah. I mean, he's like Usain Bolting. You're not hurting. Yeah, you're fine.

No, man. He's hot dogging is what he's doing. By the way, when I said I went down a zip line, not in my wildest dreams would I ever hang upside down. These pictures look like an ad for how successful back surgery can be. Right. Like this is all a flex. You can't stand like that with a hurt back. May cause death,

diarrhea, but it will enlarge. This dude is like. Also, he's like pretty fit. Yeah. You know, like remember how many straps on you? It's kind of pulling all your clothes over all your worst parts. Like, I literally think there are friends in his life who are like, how's your insurance fraud thing going? Yeah.

Like, they know it is. They know that that's what he's doing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's the kind of person who would post that conversation on Twitter. How's your insurance fraud thing going? Oh, I'm still working through that. Still working through it. Are you still pretending to be an orphan at Christmas to get socks?

All right. So I remember the number. Dan, don't look. How much did he ask for? What was his claim that he asked for in pounds to help him? I mean, considering the gall this man has had up to the balls, it's at least somewhere in the million. i'm a million bucks because he's so crazy crazy million pound guy i say 350 000 pounds i'm gonna go 250 000 pounds all right get your answers in this is end of story one and then we'll get rolling into story two uh i think his

his strategy you guys will be surprised to find out was let me make it low and let me make it like something that won't make a quote-unquote he just figured out what's the 22 000 22 000 12 so he lost 12 which is about 15 I think, based on him. Maybe he's got a real gambler's mindset of like, this is what I'm not winning because I... Actually, I'm up. I'm actually up. If you look at it like... The bank says I'm down, and I'll have to talk to them about that. Because they should have charged me for that drink at the bar because that wasn't a gambling drink. So I'm technically up right now.

But if I do a slip and fall, I'll decide to step in a ledge. And if you don't... I'm back. If you don't count the tips I've given out, like that's just giving out tips. I'm technically up right now. But if I do a slip and fall outside of the capital. And if you don't. I'm back. I'm back where I want to be. I'm back. If you don't count the tips I've given out. Yeah. Like that's just giving out tips. I'm actually up.

Plus, you know, staying at my folks place. I'm not paying rent. He shows up at a party with like a fake cast on his arms. He walks in and he's like, we're back, baby. Yeah, baby. Or he's like, I have been tipping at 14% for the last. If you add up all that that, I'm still ahead. They don't come to my door when I order Grubhub, so I don't tip them.

I know they're not coming up this time. You leave them by the front gate. And you're going to tell me this Uber driver is going to remember my face as many times as he loops around? No. He can rate me all he wants. This hummus is basically free. These little things at Chipotle, I can take the hot sauces and build a regular hot sauce stand. Dan, you can take them.

You can take them. You can take them. All right, there you go. Story one down in the books. When we come back, we're going to hear about Shane's awesome special that you guys all have to check out. And his podcast. Podcast, which is right here on All Things Comedy.

We'll do all that and then find out what we have going on right after the break. It's Dumb People Town with Shane Torres. Stick around. Make it sound. There's more D't People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. Welcome back, everybody.

Before we get into what Shane has going on, we've got to let you guys know. We'll let you know what's happening for us. Hey, end of the year or the beginning of the new year,

we're going to be in Portland, Oregon at Helium on the 4th and then on the 5th we're going to be in Seattle at the Crocodile. In February, at the very beginning, we're going to be back in Denver at Comedy Works South. We were talking about this ahead of the show.

One of our favorite clubs. Let's sell these shows out. We did so well there last time. We loved it so much. We have new material. It's going to be so much fun. That's great. And then on the 5th, we're going to do a very special Tag It at Largo, I believe.

Hopefully Judd Apatow will be on that show. Maybe John Mulaney. We'll see. It's going to be really fun. Tag it there. Heavy hitters. Zach Galifianakis, I think, will be on that show. Good times. That's it. Largo on the 5th. And then we're in Detroit at the beginning of March. And then Minneapolis

at the beginning of April. And Moon Tower with you. We'll see there. Shane's amazing show. I mean, we're saying it. We're saying it. We're not giving a shit. We're saying it. They said we could, I think. We could announce. And then.

You got a real Frank Kirinovitz with it. Yeah. I mean. It's just on this podcast. Who's going to hear it? So good stuff all the way around. And then, hey, if this comes up before the very end of the year, we participated and wrote on the Kevin Hart, Kenan Thompson end of the year special on Peacock, which we wrote a sketch for Dan to do.

That he was so God, so funny. Kevin Hart was cracking up so much. You were great. You know, Dan was great on the show. I walk out to go do like a pre-interview with Jim Kramer from mad money. Yeah.

And I'm talking to the casting people from there. And they're like, that Dan Van Kirk is so great. Isn't he? And I'm like, it's Daniel. It's Daniel or whatever they said. And they're like, that Dan Van Kirk is so great. Isn't he? And I'm like, it's Daniel. It's Daniel or whatever they said. And I was like,

I, you're talking to someone who agrees. Like I was like, no, keep calling him Dan. Because if Dan doesn't have somebody to correct, then he's not Dan. Dan won't be feeling alive.

I don't want him to get it the way that Kevin Hart. Yeah. Daniel. Yeah. I would call him little Kev. Does he want to be called Little Kev? I mean, he's got a show called Little Kev. He used to go by Little Kev.

He is. He's as big as it gets. So anyway, it was super fun. That's going to be on Peacock on the 26th, but it's probably still going to be up for a long time. It was so much fun. So much fun. Hey, let's get into Shane.

Special coming out now. People can watch it. December 10th. December 10th. Mine and YouTube channel and Burt Krereischer's youtube channel burke and produced it yes it's called the blue-eyed mexican uh damn it yeah uh i really wanted something that would it's based on google ability yeah the blue-eyed mexican great great i mean if i didn't know you if i didn't know how funny you were and you're such a good stand-up i'm in thank you like

it's like i thought well like i'm from tex from Texas. Willie Nelson is the red-headed stranger. Yes. Dream is to tour with him. Oh, my God. Shit. So the red-headed, you know, the red-headed stranger and the blue-eyed Mexican. Come on.

That, to me, sounds like a movie that, like, in 1979, Robert Redford directed it. Clint Eastwood killed someone. Yeah. Yeah. Paul Newman made a cameo. Yeah. But, yeah, that, and then, so I'm very, that's what I'm here

focusing on. Yeah, man. Yeah, and it's a, I think I made a,o. Yeah. But yeah, that. And then, so I'm very, that's what I'm here focusing on. Yeah, man. Yeah. And it's, I think I made a, I never think I do things right, but I think I made a good piece of work. I'm actually proud to show it to people. Your material is so great. Your style is great.

Thank you. So best case is to go on to YouTube on Bert's channel. We're going to make sure this drops right after. That would be great so just go go to the channel watch the special it'll make you feel good just share it share it share comment on the different it's like we didn't do it in a theater and we didn't do it we did in a little indie rock club love it like uh in brooklyn called the sultan room and it used to be like uh the interesting thing about the venue is it used to be the supper club in wisconsin yeah yeah uh and they uh when it shut down the guys who own this version of it now

went to wisconsin and bought the entire bar and moved it into brooklyn oh my god yeah and so like and they added like an indie rock venue oh man i'm gonna be in new york next week i'm gonna just go see this place yeah Yeah, come by. I would love to. I'll get you. Okay. Yeah, my roommate does the booking. That's how I could afford it. Dude, I love it.

I would love to not say that when my next special drops that I have a roommate. So please, please watch. Watch the goddamn special. Dude, I can't wait to see it. I mean, the shows that we've done together. Yeah, we were at Moon Tower together last year. Yeah, remember how I brought you up? Yeah, that's why I have the St. Louis story.

Really? Yeah, I pulled it again, but I can't remember who i was pete davidson oh yeah no this is way worse really yeah so burt produced a special and part of the market we've been doing is like i plug it at the end of all this you know huge basketball arena show yeah huge bird shows yeah and we were in st. Louis and we played the Blues Arena. Oh, the Scott Trade Center. Yeah, yeah. Scott Trade Center. Whatever. It's huge.

15,000 people. And Sypha is hosting the show. He's the best. I love him so much. I'll see him next week, too. And he goes, what do you want me to say when I bring you up? And I go, just tell him I'm Tom Segura. And why would you?

Dude, he had me bring him up in Austin at Cap City as Pete Davidson. And I go, you want me to sell it? And you go, sell it. Sell it. Fuck out of it. I sold it. People had their cameras out. Oh, no.

But doing this. And then you come out and what do you say? Because it's also very plausible. Yes. Yes. Of course. To them also very plausible. Yes. Yes. Of course. To them. To them.

Right. So scheduling to us, we know how not plausible it is. As a good friend of Damien's work would say, with the connected world we have now, you can find out where anyone is. Shane, why? Why would you give yourself? It was fun. Because he likes digging out.

He likes getting out there and having to dig out of it. I like digging out of stuff. I got a little bit of a punishment vibe, I think. Yes. So what happened? So I have him look bit of a punishment vibe, I think. Yes. So, Sifo looked at me and he goes, you really want me to do this? And Mark Smalls, who I love. Loves Mark.

He goes, no, I'm going to walk out with a note. I'll hand it to you. No. Guess who showed up? Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. It's kind of like, guess who's here? No.

Are you serious? And Mark goes, yeah, he's here. And Sifo goes, guys, he's here and cypher like goes that's why i love guys he's official he's the other bear and like all of this goes crazy screaming nuts like out of their fucking minds oh my god and and like and like he's like you know i'm from your mom's house and they're and he's like i need that st louis and i'm behind the monitor and later this time i was like, they're so loud. I was like, this truly might have been the worst mistake.

I'm like, Shane! And I come out. You're like eating the hottest chip in the world. And as it's going down, you're like, oh, that was a mistake. This was dumb. This was stupid. Yeah, I have diarrhea. In both cases.

Just smelling it, I have diarrhea. In both instances. And I come out. And they're all like, 10% were like, all right, that was pretty funny. Right. Yeah. 10% is not nice. As soon as I got out, you can hear, like, I posted the footage of it the other day.

You can hear this woman just go, well, fuck you too. Oh my God. It's like the moment on Singled Out. That's cherry for you. It's the moment on Singled Out when the two people face each other. You just see the disappointment on one of their yeah just like they were and then i had to like they were booing like and i had to lean in and i like just made fun of the arch for five minutes oh my god yeah what can you do it felt good the real problem is it feels good because the biggest

audience of your career the one thing they should know is your name. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Tom Segura is what they call me now. That's so funny. That is such a ballsy move. So now from now on, when you get introduced on Bird Stories, you have them say, this next comic is not Tom Segura, but he is Shane Torres. I mean, you got to work that in. That would be a very fun way to like get the stick in the neck. I remember the last part.

Yeah. I'm so impressed that you, so, you know, I think this is the type of thing that I think comedians, we are so precious about every moment

and opportunity because opportunities are rare and fleeting and whatnot. I think we have to be a little more like who gives a shit i want to enjoy it more like i don't spit play loose play loose play loose do you guys feel that way when you're like you have a big moment in comedy you're like yeah and you look back at

it like a day later you're like i didn't even enjoy it i was too busy trying to nail it right 100 late night sets on television oh that's it you get four minutes you get four minutes you're like and it's like someone once told us i forgot who and you guys doing the tan like it's like timing it like they have to wrap their heads around the scene two people do it they can't like it's like i come out like it's a very traditional vehicle like we've seen what stand-up looks like right yeah you gotta be have fun who did you said somebody said rick fox was talking about i think chris paul and was saying why has ch has Chris Paul not won a championship? And Rick Fox was like, you play golf?

And we're like, yeah. He's like, how do you hold the golf club? And we're like, like this. And he's like, in your fingertips? Yeah. He's like, he holds it like this. And he's so tight. And it's so important for him in a way that.

To get one that he's not. Yeah. That makes it that he's not having fun. He's not loose. And he's not enjoying the moment. What you did just scrambled the whole thing. It took the air out of the tension of having to do well. It created a new tension. I'm not going to do worse than that.

That is your first line. Well, we're at the bottom. Only one way. Well, let's see. I know who's going to have a better set than me. Everyone else. There's the top of the arch. Your opening line is, you're welcome, Bert.

You're welcome, Bert. Dude, that's amazing. I love it. Are you guys ready to do story two? Yeah, let's do story two. Okay, this is wonderful. Although that could have been story two. Shane, I'm so glad you're here for it.

Sent in by Douglas Roberts at DougR25. I believe that's the first time for Doug. First time sender in. Thanks, bud. Welcome to town. Here's the first time. First time sender in or thanks bud. Welcome to town. Here's the headline. Raunchy alcohol fueled Taco Bell party included open sex lawsuit claims.

Is this a Taco Bell canteen? Taco Bell cantina for sure. Has to be a cantina. Has to be. Raunchy. Hold on. Ranchy. Raunchy. Alcohol fueled Taco Bell party included open sex. Lawsuit claims a former Los Angeles.

That's a new way to make salsa, I guess. It is. A former Los Angeles. This story is so perfect. A former Los Angeles area Taco Bell employee is suing the company. Oh. And a franchise owner after she claims a Christmas party at the fast food restaurant descended into a drunken mess that included open sex. To me, that is exactly what a Taco Bell Christmas party should do.

What Taco Bell has a Christmas party? That's truly corporate. This is just the location. This is one. You better be having sex on top of a mound of Dorito taco shells. Have you guys ever been to a restaurant employee or bar employee Christmas party? I have not. They are.

Because I've worked in restaurants and bars. They are insane. They are in fucking sane. Restaurants are already, if you think comedy is incestuous, work in a restaurant. Waiting is such a good movie. In the sense that it's like accurate yes yes yeah yeah yeah it is the amount of waitresses i have had sex with that my friends have had sex with that we've all had sex this is like not a dog like not at all all

those waitresses also the amount of waiters and bartenders i've had sex with it goes both ways it's like it's the city of g Gomorrah with cheese sticks. It is. Yes. And you know what happens a lot in L.A.? Bars will trade. Oh, yeah. Not like employees to work the parties. Not like. No, they're like, these are our hottest waiters.

No, a friend of mine worked at a bar in Brentwood, and so they did a Christmas party trade with Jones on Santa Monica. So they go there, and everything is free. And then Jones picks a date to go to their bar and everything. And it's like a Monday or Tuesday, obviously. Yes, but it is insane. Right? Because you're working so hard.

You're not making a ton of money. You're around other people having fun. You've worked the holidays. You've worked Friday and Saturday. Now it's your turn. You're ready to rip. If you work those parties, you up finance that's true like yeah that's like that is so much that's your christmas bonus nobody who's ever worked at a restaurant treats other restaurant workers like shit they just know they always treat people but this is a taco bell

having a christmas party barely a restaurant yeah nobody tips it can i quote jeff tice's great joke about the taco bell cantina yes his joke was uh it's they serve alcohol at the taco bell cantina like you're not supposed to get drunk at a taco bell you're supposed to drive drunk to a taco bell i've gotten drunk at it i've gotten drunk at a chipotle simple neat you ever do margarita at a chipotle? No. I've gotten hammered at a Chipotle. Come on, Dan. Chicago. I got shit-faced and did comedy at an Applebee's. Oh, my God.

I thought he was going to say, you were like, do you ever get margaritas at a Chipotle? And I thought Shane was going to be like, no, but I did heroin at a Houston's. Alana? You ever bang H in a Ruby Tuesday? Alana Betchium filed her lawsuit last week in Los Angeles Superior Court. In the suit, she alleges that her supervisor invited her to the December 18th, 2022 party at the San Pedro Taco Bell, at which she worked. She was encouraged to bring food for a potluck style buffet and her contribution

was a bowl of guacamole. There you go. That's not enough. Also, you're bringing sand to the beach. That's right. That's well put. Maybe you're bringing the beach to sand. That's true too. Hers was probably better. Hers was authentic guacamole.

Not something you shoot out of a fire hose. You got you got a cock gun of it you're gonna tell me what you did is more efficient than what we do you talk about the cock the guac i'm just saying if you're bringing guacamole to the taco bell christmas party yeah no matter what happens at the party you aren't gonna fit in no it isn't gonna be your party this is not a well you shouldn't have been dressed that way this is pretty dumb hey guys hey guys guess what alana brought uh more the thing that's in all your shirts and you can't get out of the smell of your couch once she arrives once she arrived bet you own quote discovered that her supervisor covered the windows of the restaurant with wrapping paper okay that's when you know like are we now in a cult and also covered the cameras for

the lobby and the inside of the restaurant okay this is where i'm like this is the beginning of blade this is like are we now all gonna cut our dicks off what's happening right cover the cameras cover the cameras cover the camera you go in anywhere and you look around and the cameras are covered and you aren't part of why they are covered like you didn't have a hand in that leave leave get out yeah yeah this is not your this is what eyes wide shut should have been she claims her supervisor provided alcohol to staffers several of whom were over served no shit it's a christmas party anywhere not even we haven't i think it's just a straight up Taco Bell. Oh, this is not a can.

They brought the cantina to the regular Taco Bell. They turned it into a canteen. Around midnight, after Bessie Omm had stepped outside for a short time. Look, again, I don't want to victim blame. No, but get out. You've been there too long. Leave. This is the family that won't leave the haunted house.

Get out. This is also the thing of like, just can you imagine your Christmas party at work being interrupted by like drunk people just being like the fucking clothes today? Yeah. The amount of people going through the drive-thru. That had to feel so satisfying The amount of times you heard the door.

Or people just going through the drive-thru Screaming at it. And they're like, I don't have to answer today. Doors rattling. We just want center twists. God, the worst answer in the history of fast food. It's just cinnamon air.

Around midnight, after Bessiom had stepped outside for a short time, she walked back into the restaurant and saw a co-worker, quote,

having sex with his wife in front of everyone at the party. By the way, his wife, I don't have a problem. He loves her. She loves him. He loves her.

It's holidays. Yes. It's part of their vows. This was in their vows. To love you and sickness and health and to have sex with you in front of everyone at a taco bar. Yeah, like Christmas party. Till death do you part.

You haven't had sex at a fast food establishment? In front of your co-workers? Right. I mean, come on. They have like a little list. Maybe a lot is the problem. Guys, we got a Burger King and a Wendy's and then we're done. We've already hit McDonald's.

We've already hit In-N-Out. Literally. In-N-Out. The coworkers. We're in and out every time. We just can't seem to nail a Custer's. We're never in New Hampshire. We got to go to Biscuitville, guys.

We got to go to North Carolina and then take it on down to Bojangles. This would never happen at a Bojangles. It's a fine establishment. It's more jangles. So she goes in. Her co-worker's having sex with his wife in front of everyone at the party. The co-worker's wife, Beth Shiel, claims was also kissing her female manager and another female co-worker at the same time. We call that overtime.

It's a triple stuffed burrito is what that is. It's called marrying your ketchup. Can I just say, I've never been in any Taco Bell where there were three employees I wanted to have sex with. I mean. Whatever, man. Sure, whatever. Maybe you know them, so maybe you get to know the person, but just on the carnal, I want

that. Right. The only thing I'm looking at in a Taco Bell is the menu. Shock. Listen, Dan, I'm happy with, I'm fine with her having sex with her husband in front of everybody, even kissing the night manager and another person. I don't like the fact that she called one of the other

employees her little gordita. That's where I draw the line. I'm just impressed we've gotten this far into the story and you haven't brought up Burning Man. He used to get a lot wilder, but now that we have breakfast, I have to be The Christmas party at Taco Bell is so commercial now. He used to get a lot wilder, but now that we have breakfast, I have to be up early. The Christmas party at Taco Bell is so commercial now. Yeah, man.

It's not like the orgy dome. It's not what it used to be. We used to shoot guns. We used to shoot guns. We used to shoot guns back in the day. Okay. The co-worker's wife says Bessie Ome, she was kissing two people at once while getting railed.

Shocked, disgusted, and outraged. Why outraged? Those are quotes. Bessie Ome alleges that she first ran out of the restaurant but then had to go back inside to retrieve her guacamole bowl at this point you leave at this point people are like in the bowl yes she's like can i can i just get this off your naked ass yeah spank me with this bowl on my butt yeah you just move your testicles really quick only to find that her manager and the other co-worker were involved in a sexual oh no hold on only to find that her manager and the other co-worker involved in the sexual

encounter were now vomiting oh in oh god it gotta be. One threw up in the trash while the other one vomited into her guacamole bowl. I told you this story. This story starts with a bang and then it just keeps delivering. This is the first two rounds of Hagler Herds. Just throwing punches like lunatics and eating the shit out of you. You've got cameras covered, Christmas present windows, Taco Bell closed down, multiple sex partners, guacamole. This is like when I watch Parasite and they show the water running down the stairs. Of course it was in the guacamole bowl.

This might not be the alcohol. This might be just the food at Taco Bell. It might be a guacamole. Dan, if any of us were there, I would love to do that. If you saw someone throw up in the guacamole bowl. Each of us would have made this exact joke. You'd be like, now it looks like Taco Bell guacamole. Do you want to get some of that? Wrap it up in a tamarino.

The cars are back. Put it in a chalupa. We got to back up. They're vomiting. She goes back in. They're vomiting into her guacamole bowl. Bessie Holmes says she reported the incident to Taco Bell Human Resources. Why?

They have one. And Alvarado Restaurant Group, the Colorado-based franchisee, the manager and other coworkers involved in the sexual encounter. What's the franchise? Alvarado. Alvarado Restaurant Group, the Colorado-based franchisee. I thought someone's name was El Dorado. Why not?

Everyone in the Alvarado Restaurant Group in Colorado drives an El Dorado. Why not? Everyone in the Alvarado restaurant group in Colorado drives an El Dorado. Yes. The manager and the co-workers involved in the sexual encounter were fired. Sure. After their termination, Bessiom alleges that... Where would you ever get another job

like that? I don't know. Those were the good old long drag. After their termination Bessie Ohm alleges that she was threatened And had her car window shattered by Someone associated with her former Coworkers this goes deep guys It's deep

You can't like ring the bell on these people You can't blow the whistle on these people While they're blowing each other How lonely is your life If you take away a Taco Bell employee christmas party and then you're you gotta eat that holding to witness intimidation you gotta eat that or you gotta walk back in and be like you puked in my bowl you clean it out you bring it to me and i won't say a word to anyone yeah something like that you can't call and also if you do get fired you can't then go well we

should go fuck with that girl's car because what did you think would happen yeah you rode the rail and you fell off on the wrong side which store is this is in los angeles yes down by long by long beach we should all go we should go and apply i wonder if in our interview be like what's the christmas party situation here? Look, we're in the season. Look, I wore a Santa hat. I'm a jolly guy. I only want the job until December 24th. Tis the season of giving and receiving. Hello. I don't need to be trained. I figured I could just, I figured out how to

throw shit in a tortilla. Taco Bell and the franchisee, quote, did nothing about these threats. What do you want them to do about it? They already fired the people. Dude, this is the best thing ever to happen. And instead told her they were transferring her to a new location rather than disciplining the employees who threatened her like she's a catholic priest she's well they don't know they can't prove that they threatened her so they're like we don't want you to get fired we don't want you to if these people are bad we're gonna move we're gonna help you out but in a

positive way move for hopefully yeah we're gonna're going to take it to Palos Verdes. Or move them, maybe. Yeah. But move them. Why should her life be uprooted? She eventually quit and alleges that she, quote, has suffered actual consequential and incidental financial losses. What? And that Taco Bell violated anti-discrimination law. Everybody was getting to have sex.

What are you talking about? This is indiscriminate sex. law everybody was getting to have sex what are you talking about this is indiscriminate sex ktla ktla reached out to taco bell and the alvarado restaurant group for comment none was given this is our twas the night before this is the greatest this is dumb people's town the night before all through the house and all through the guacamole bowl no it was the night before christmas and all through the bellacamole bowl. It was the night before Christmas and all through the bell. Not a creature was stirring. Everyone was drunk as hell.

That's perfect. Is that it? I couldn't imagine the smell. Story number two. We have one more segment. It'll be a quick one. We're going to find out what Dan's doing. And then we will take us on home with the great Shane Torres,

whose special is called one more time. The Blue-Eyed Mexican. The Blue-Eyed Mexican. You're never going to forget that. It's Dumb People Town with Shane Torres. We'll be us on home with the great Shane Torres, whose special is called one more time. The blue eyed Mexican. The blue eyed Mexican. You're never going to forget that. It's Dumb People Town with Shane Torres. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound.

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I do. December 15th, my movie Wine Club is out. You can watch it on streaming services. We're going to make sure this drops right around that time. That's great. Go check it out. If you go to at Wine Club movie, I believe on Instagram, you can get an opportunity there to be uh at the screening the first la premiere the first time i will watch it with a whole big group of people that's on january 17th

and then i am headlining yeah yeah i'll come hang out yes and then oh i mean i would sincerely love that uh december 14th i'm headlining cap city comedy so come on out to that my buddy pete davidson might be there with me as well and what else for me oh i think i'm going to be doing a weekend in dc in february but everything is up at danielvankirk.com because there's more rose gold tour dates being announced until i drop the special in probably april thanks to all who danielvankirk.com thanks to green ivy creative who uh helped me rebuild my website they're they're a townie and they heard this and you should go check them out.

Plug for them. Shout out to Green Ivy Creative. All right, we got another story sent in by our good one. A great one. Carlene McDermott at SheBeCarlene. Okay, here's the, I'm not going to give the amount, but this is the headline. Holiday moans.

Holiday moans? Holiday moans. Oh. Christmas vacation. I booked a romantic certain amount of pounds holiday to Mexico, but it was ruined by porn on the hotel TV. What? This?

How is that rude? Does this sound like something we did before? This just happened to me. Do you want to guess which city? Las Vegas. No. Portland. St. Louis.

I was in the hotel, and i'm sitting there sharing a room with andrew youngblood on the road and all of a sudden i turn the channel and it is straight up porn and i don't do anything and andrew finally like looks up what is it what is it you ordered this i go no i didn't already goes you ordered this there's no way this is on the tv i go dude we're in st louis this is on the tv dude local tv we're in the arch baby all right it was full on this guy's name is people could still order pornography on i don't know i didn't order it was just so much free stuff on your computer you sound a lot like that guy who had back problems you don't have a laptop all right i'll pay for my frank butler

not farank but frank butler How old do you think Frank is? 70. Frank Butler. You said 70? I mean, there's no Frank Butler under 20, right? No. Frank is a soldier's name. For girls, a Franky. 70?

How old is he? He's a plumber. Frank Butler, and he's pissed, and he wants to sue, and he's mad about porn. Yep. 60 through 66 years old. Okay. What do you think? i'm going to say first gulf war age whatever like 80 50 58 58 okay all right uh frank butler you almost said it dan 63

63 years old oh i said 70 forked out a lot of money for a two-week stay at a five-star mexican with his girlfriend, Anne. Blan? No, Anne. Egg? No. Whenever he switched on the telly, he was confronted by disgusting sex acts and hardcore romps, Dan. This is your thing. How much TV are you watching on a trip to Mexico, you loser? You walk in. It's a romantic getaway, right?

I'm going to read the next phrase, and you're going to be like, I've never heard this before in my entire life. romantic getaway right i'm gonna let it be the i'm gonna read hotel sex learn something i'm gonna read the next phrase and you're gonna be like i've never heard this before to her life when describing someone's profession that he formerly had okay the former submarine engineer what wow was he in charge of the submersible right said we know this is navy right and that is a lot of security clients so said we got there and the hotel was fine the food was a bit bland and wait why are we bringing this up when it's a poor's and it was three days in and i decided to turn on the tv to watch the news yeah right he recalled after accessing the menu when we clicked it on the tv it went straight to porn it was full on i thought oh my god that is disgusting chill out right bro i have a big solution for this it's very hard to do

i feel bad telling in this because it takes too much effort he's 63 turn the channel or turn it off i also feel like this guy is not a former submarine engineer already like oh yeah yeah he's got a frank duke's level of line by the way maybe this is the way they do the news in mexico right we don't know yeah it's like you're you're acting it out the naked news the naked news are like things in oaxaca are fucked yeah yeah okay exactly exactly he even filmed he even filmed the turning on process so that he could later masturbate to it no to prove to others that he did not select the smut himself. That's so funny because I filmed it too. He filmed.

What if you, what if the only way you could get off is to film this guy filming? Oh my God. He said, can you imagine if I took my barbershop mirror that keeps going? So he said, can you imagine if I took my partner's mom here? Who is how old? How old's the partner's mom? who is how old how old's the partner's mom partner's mom 86 yeah 96 91 what do you think i'm saying like 86 too okay 83 years old okay we're there hold on and wanted to watch the news and that came up now he says this he

kind of goes a little twitch a little turn this is such a great quote don't get me wrong i worked with blokes in the dockyards for 40 years. So now he's trying to do a secret. Season two of The Wire. I've seen it all myself. Have you? Have you seen it all? If you've seen it all yourself, why did this bother you?

He's trying to get money off you. He's like, but it ruined my holiday. I don't want to go to a five star and be confronted with that. Why not? Just stay in your house. Stay in your house. Stay in your house. An extra star is a porn star that's

it hey so if you go i love that one's a final i don't want to be confronted with that and the article there i've seen everything that a man could do with this with an apodox is he suing them he's oh you didn't say the number at the top oh yeah oh yeah he's not suing but he just complained about it how much it was how much money he spent. How much did he spend in pounds? On the hotel? On the hotel. I know that I'm a very like sexually liberal person. I feel like we all are.

We're like, do your thing. Don't hurt anybody. Be nice. Make sure it's consensual and have fun. But at that bottom, how much money? You'd be pissed.

2,000 pounds. 2,000 pounds. What do you think? For how many days? A couple of days, three days. 2,000 pounds. What do you think? For how many days? A couple days, three days. 2,500 pounds. What do you think? It's a five-star Mexican hotel.

4,500. Okay. I think it needs to be enough for him to be upset about. Get your answers in, townies. Blue-eyed Mexican, he's right here. And watch the special. It's out. Daniel, come see the wine club, which comes out on the 17th.

The 15th. 15th. Sorry, 15th. I love it. 15th. Sorry, 15th. I love it. 15th. I love you guys. Thank you. We love all of our townies.

You guys are the best. As we enter this holiday season, I will say that Frank Butler, 63-year-old Frank Butler, spent 5,000 pounds on this. Wait a minute. No. You're going to the showcase. How much fun is this show buddy I love it

I have a fucking blast here I swear to God I'm realizing how much more I swear to God I don't care man Dude you're the best I love that you're here on the show Shane Torres Friend of the family

And oh shit We gotta get back to work guys Bye Boom Stick around Make us down There's more Don't people town