Dumb People Town - Sklarbro Country - Monday April 20th - The Book of Randy 4:20

Episode Date: April 20, 2020

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Star Beans out of here. No bruise. A.K.A. two bros, no hoes. A.K.A. two hombres, one nombre. A.K.A. two stances, six feet. A.K.A. two brothers, no joys. That's great. We are here, and these aren't the basement takes because we're upstairs. We're at our buddy Daniel Van Kirk's where we just did an episode of Dumb People Town. We're at the kitchen table, this lovely kitchen table, just here to give you 30 minutes of your day, half hour of your day just to breathe, to take a moment.

We let you be a fly on the wall during our conversations of some of the weirdest, most bizarre things we've read about, we've heard about that's going on during this coronavirus. We hope it all ends soon, but I will say this, doing this show gives me a little purpose throughout this. Definitely. And the response we've gotten from you guys, certainly on our Instagram, we love hearing back from you. So if you see the clips posted on Instagram, please comment on them. We love hearing what you like out of these episodes. It will, as we said before, steer us as to which way to go. So thank you. I'm glad this is resonating with you and shall we jump in let's jump into something because i read this story and i know you did too and it made me uh it made me shocked in the sense that i think we just assume that if someone is an artist i don't know because we're

artists that you're like oh this guy's gonna be probably gonna be open and aware i don't know because we're artists that you're like oh this guy's gonna be open probably gonna be open and aware i don't know who was what was the one where ed harris played uh what's his face who do the pollock yeah go watch pollock like knock over a thanksgiving dinner and then you know to yourself these guys are these guys most of them were kind of drunk and kind of mad okay i'll say this so my wife's stepfather used to be in the shipping industry, like used to like, was in Denmark and Copenhagen and in France would sort of, I don't know,

he was involved in the shipping industry. That's all I can say. Probably containers of dead hookers coming from Greece. Maybe. Kidding. But he, one time, and he said this,

it happened one time time Salvador Dali was on the ship that he was working Salvador Dali and he was working he was the stevedore I don't know what he was right I just love the name stevedore I think that's the best the names in the shipping industry are the greatest and I learned a lot of them from Commodore stevedore I've learned a lot of them from the wire season two, of course, but this, he was this,

I think he was a Steve Adore, but I'm not sure, but he was the guy's name in the wire. Sal. No. So he was on the ship when Salvador Dali was there. Oh. And apparently Salvador Dali was the original tiger King because he had like a

cheetah on the thing with him. And basically someone came over and said, there's a problem, Mr. Lawrence, because there's a, there's a cheetah in the dining area that's sitting at the thing. And people are freaked out because there's a cheetah sitting there in the

dining area. Probably like without a collar on. That's Salvador's dolly a cheetah sitting there in the dining area. Probably like without a collar on. That's Salvador Dali's cheetah. So he decided to bring a cheetah on a boat with him, you know, a boat where you can't run wild. I mean, this is just, and again, that was Salvador Dali being Salvador Dali. And he had to go to Salvador Dali

and ask him to please take the cheetah out of the dining area and put it up in your room. And what did he say? He was cool about it. He said he actually was cool about it. But I'm telling you, that is the backdrop with which we say this next story and we go through it because artists can also be incredible douchebags.

Yeah. And because, especially if they've been propped up so high, it's that thing where you have no no man. No one's telling you don't do this. No one's telling you you can't say that or do that. Famous British painter, David Hockney in the news. And I saw his name in the news and I'm like, oh, he died. He died.

Can't be a good thing. Unless he's donating proceeds of paintings that he's making right now to fight COVID or like maybe he's doing like a painting class on Zoom. Teaching youth at risk on Zoom. Fine, great. That's a complete altruistic move. I like that.

That's a move that we can support. Or making a speech. Hey, I'm an old guy. We need to protect our elderly. Listen, take it from me, David Hockney. We should be good. Yeah, like I'm David Hockney. Yes, I'm an old man.

If you saw me on the streets, you wouldn't know me from any Adam. But look at all the beautiful artwork that I created in my lifetime. There are people who have not created artwork. Old people are not just old people. They are once great artists or still great artists. And they are vibrant members of our society.

I'll say this. We wrote it for you, David Hockney. Why don't you go do that? You could have said that, dummy. Nope. He's in the news for none of those great things. He's in the news for saying that smoking can help keep you safe from COVID-19.

So what, is he doing an ad for Camel Cigarettes? It's a good call. It's a good call. This is when you realize, again, that famous artists can only do one thing and that is their art. If they're really good, again, go back and watch My Architect. Great genius louis khan genius he just i don't want to give it away what he had

but he died penniless in the port authority and then his descent to that place tells you that he could only do one thing and that was design buildings right and he probably did it great but like they can't work a computer don't ask like a famous artist to cook for you. Or send an email or set up a Zoom or reason or apply for anything. Painter David Hockney suggested that smokers could have developed an immune system to COVID-19 in a letter to the Daily Mail.

So he's not just saying this, but isn't that what an old person would do? Write a letter to the daily mail you're not even writing to the guardian dummy despite medical professionals urging them to quit during the pandemic so he's not just saying it at a dinner party with other artists who are like shut up david no you don't know what you're talking about he's writing a letter not to his grandkids to say hey these are a former lover who paid no attention to him throughout the or a second family that he had that his first family didn't know about no he wrote to the daily mail so everyone could see in print how batshit crazy he is 82 years old keen smoker mr hockney has

previously described smoking bans uh in enclosed public spaces as the most grotesque piece of social engineering. Is it? I would say racism is probably a little more grotesque. Yes. Agreed. There was a time when you could smoke on a plane. And I guess he wants to go back to those days where, remember, there was a time on the plane?

There was a great joke in the airplane movie. Smoking or non-smoking. He says, smoking, please. He gives them a ticket that's smoking. That's a great joke. Right. There was a time when in the airplane movie. Smoking or non-smoking. He says smoking, please. He gives them a ticket that's smoking. That's a great joke. Right. There was a time when the front part of the plane or the back part of the plane,

I think it was the front part of the plane was smoking. Our friend in middle school, Josh Scher, went on a trip to Poland and he flew Polish air. Like if ever Polish air wanted to just shake the stigma that Polish people are dumb. Polish air, and this is not Polish people are dumb. Polish air. And this is not a joke. He told us this.

I, why would he make this up? The left side of the plane was smoking. The right side of the plane was not smoking. Come on, Poland. Come on. You're better than that.

You are better than that. Not a joke. Polish air back to Hockney's letter. His letters to asks, could it not be that smokers have developed an immune system to this virus uh the short answer hockney no no it could not be it could not be how about that that's my answer to your weird query that you felt you aren't even sure about this shit and you're writing it to the to the daily mail here's him getting clever

with all these figures coming out in research in china it's beginning to look like that to me so you took the scientific approach i'm serious and remember cigars and cigarettes are vegan what does that have to do with anything yeah there's no animal meat in a cigarette or animal byproducts what is is he saying, Jake? Is he popping off and saying that vegans don't smoke? I know a bunch of vegans who smoke. Yeah. Yeah, we know vegans who smoke, so it's not the only thing.

Hockney is making the claim that somehow, I guess, liberals- Like vegans are liberals. And liberals are pussies, and somehow that's the thing. And they're the ones who are trying to ban smoking, and they're the enemy. You know how like Cockney is like a crazy act?

Yes. In England, that's an accent that's the harshest, it's the hardest to listen to. He's got a cockneyed accent. Right. And hackneyed is a thought that's been sort of mulled over so many times. It's like, it's hack.

Right. It's hack. It's overused. Airplane food in common. That's a hackneyed concept. Hackneyed premise. I think we need to make a new term called hockneyed. Okay.

I'm interested. Hockneyed is... Just bat shit crazy. Yeah. It's just bat shit crazy. That is what I think we need to do. Like people who smoke can also fly. That's right.

Hockneyed. Hockneyed. Smoking is the key to repairing the Earth's ozone layer. That's a Hockneyed take. Cigarettes help you live longer. Yeah. Cigarettes can protect you against the COVID-19. But Hockneyed take.

I think David Hockneyed is mad that he's been pigeonholed into being one of the greatest painters of all time, certainly in the 20th century. I don't want to just be known for my great paintings. I want to be known as a crazy old guy with dumb theories about stuff that don't want to just be known for my great paintings. I want to be known as a crazy old guy. With dumb theories about stuff that don't make any sense. Let's get him there by making Hockneyed a new phrase.

You can apply to these things. We can do this. The most Hockneyed theories, one of them of all times, will eventually, that will be how we remember him. Right, like we remember David Hockney for his Hockneyed theories. And not his brilliant art.

And that is kind of the crazy part is like we're smart enough that we can separate and say his artwork is beautiful right fantastic beautiful artwork you do a great job you don't have to be a nice person to paint great things right I mean I would say let's go back and look at Vincent van Gogh who cut off his ear and mailed it to somebody yeah he was somebody cut off their ear and mailed it to somebody. Yeah, he was great. If somebody cut off their ear and mailed it to you, that would be the craziest person you've ever met or ever heard of in your life. Because there's that moment where you're unwrapping

whatever's in the thing and you're feeling like, this is more than a letter. I know this is more than a letter in here. I can feel it. Is it some sort of weird necklace that's wrapped up in an ear shape? I can't tell. Is it food?

Is it like mangoes? What is he? Dried mangoes? Maybe it's a dried mango. You open it up. Oh my God, it's a human ear. That's right. Or it's part of his ear. It wasn't the whole ear. It was part of his ear. It was the part that Mike Tyson bit off in a fight. All right, there you go. That's a first story. Let's take a break, shall we? I say we take a break. It is 420 today when this thing is dropping. Happy 420 to all of you who are celebrating the day in an enlightened, altered state.

What I would say to you is if you haven't started listening to Smoke Me Up with Matt Besser, his podcast, get on it now. He left us a voicemail and we're going to play Matt B left us a voicemail and we're gonna play matt besser's amazing voicemail from his amazing podcast smoke me up it's so good he he explains to you straight he's

gonna get you through this period of time oh yeah yes matt besser will get you through rely on him he's hilarious one of our favorite one of our favorite improv groups of all time, if not the best, UCB. He is the founding member, and he has this amazing podcast. The podcast, Smoke Me Up, check it out. Sklar Brothers, Matt Bester here, wishing you a happy 420. Wondering what you're doing this 420. What am I doing? Well, John Gabrus, Hor horatio sands and myself

we are going to be live streaming starting at 420 eastern that's 120 pacific i believe and going for at least three hours we're going to go from 420 to 420 on both coasts, if that makes sense. So join us. You can go to mattbesser.com to get that link or any of the social media of Gabrus, Horatio, or myself. But join us, Sklar Brothers. Please pop in. Pop into the live stream.

I'll send you a Zoom invite. We're going to be live streaming on the Smoke Me Up YouTube channel. Check it out and smoke yourself up on 420. All right, guys, we are back. Want to let everybody know here who's listening to this. We have a YouTube page. Go to our Instagram at Sklar Brothers and click on the link that is in the bio. Or you just go straight to YouTube and type in Sklar Bro Country. At this point, there should be over 10, at least 10, maybe 20 episodes of Cheap Seats up there right now. You can watch the full episodes.

We're trying to collect them in one place. So you have one landing page to watch that. Cheap sheets, our standup, clips of us on other people's podcasts, like us on your mom's house, us on other great, our thing that we did with Bert Kreischer. Something's cooking. Something's cooking. Something's burning. Something's burning. Something's cooking. Something's burning. With Bert Kreischer. We're going to try to get other old web series that we've done. We're really going to try and make this a landing page for all kinds of great content from the past. And we might create some new stuff too

and do new versions of Cheap Seats and whatnot as we move forward. But we want to get as many people subscribing to it as possible. It should be simple. Very easy. It's free. Go over there and subscribe to it right now.

Let's jump into- That's YouTube. That's Sklarboro Country on YouTube. All right. So we talk about this all the time. Dan and I were just talking about this with Dan's grandmother who just turned 90 years old last week, which is that there are a bunch of stories out there about churches that are continuing to gather, refusing to heed the call. Idiots. Getting large groups of people together. God doesn't want you to die just so you can go to church. Trust me, God wants you to be nimble. Jesus wants you to figure out a new way.

I'm just going to say it right now. What would Jesus do? He'd probably stay home. Yeah. And play like Xbox for a month. There are those places and churches that are suing the government, telling them that they can't gather, claiming the separation of church and state. And these are the same people who, in my opinion, probably want to teach creationism in school. Because it's right. It's right. God damn it. Praise Jesus. Now look, we don't care what religion you are. We've always said that. If you are your religion, if you are Hindu, if you are Buddhist, if you are Muslim,

if you are Christian, we don't care. Agnostic, atheist, great. We support you and you do your own thing. If you worship Satan, if you worship Satan, don't be a Nazi. There are a couple that we don't like. Nazism, we can't get. Yeah, we're not gonna get behind National Socialism, but that's more of a political.

That's right. But if you are what you are, stay what you are. We're not gonna fight you on it and don't fight us on what we are. That's what it is. Even if, even if it's not what you believe in or contradicts what you believe in, you should just live and let live. Right.

Even if you think other people are going to hell, think it. Don't need to save them. You don't, you don't, they'll let them deal with that. You actually don't know if they're going to hell. That's like,

Oh, there's, we got to wait and see. Yeah. We have to have a wait and see attitude. It's like when you get in line at a stadium, which hopefully at some point in time, we'll be able to get back to this.

Or a supermarket. Or a supermarket or like whatever lane you're trying to get in at a toll thing. I always pick the wrong one. I'm going to go here because I believe that this is going to be the quickest way to the end. And then you also use it as a Rorschach test to test how much you believe in your own ability to pick end and then you also use it as a rorschach test to test how much you

believe in your own like ability to pick things and choose you in the world that's coming back to you so my point is that we don't know what line is going to be the shortest you might be in the shorter line or you might think all signs are pointing to the fact that you're right and then in the end someone's got a huge bag and a bunch of electronics in there and then they're taking up the whole time and then boom you're screwed because the long someone's trying to write a check at the grocery store we don't know the point is you don't know and we don't know so why don't we just let everyone think what they want to think and then we'll wait around and see that's and then later if you're in an afterlife and someone's going down to hell you can be like told you so you get to say told you

so on the other side how about that we'll give'll give you that. So this next story, we have to start by giving the pastor credit for preaching to his congregants on Facebook Live. Way to go. That's responsible. We're going to give all the glory to God here. I don't want to give all the glory. I hate that. Let's give it to the pastor.

I have to say that. This has been a point of contention for us. When athletes say, I'm going to give all the glory. First of all, I want to give all the glory to god you really you want to give all the glory to god how about giving god about 13 of the glory and give 87 to your parents who sublimated their hopes and dreams so that you could watch oh no no god gave me this talent no god didn't give you that talent your dad's amazing genes mixed with the fact that your mom was a college athlete. And the fact that they banged each other

and made you out of that, that's what gave you the talent. And then your dad wasn't good enough to make it, but he lives all of his dreams through you and therefore has basically made a cottage industry out of you and is hanging his hopes and dreams on you. That's why they get 87%. Yeah, give your parents 87% and give,

say, so I'd like to see, I can hear Dan Van Kirk in the back of my ear saying, watch the scheme. We got to watch the scheme. You have, that's our recommendation to you. Watch the scheme on HBO. That's a video wreck.

So don't give all the glory to God is what we're trying to 13%, 13%. If you're an athlete, anyway, here's the story of a pastor who was trying to do right but got it wrong. Butler, Missouri. Our home state. Pastor Scott Mowry

at Emmanuel Baptist Church in Butler, Missouri. Never imagined that one of his daily devotionals, daily, would make people smile on all four corners of the globe. By the way, the world is round. The world is round. The world is round and the world is not flat.

But as the saying goes, the Lord works in mysterious ways. All right way, the world is round. The world is round. The world is round and the world is not flat. But as the saying goes, the Lord works in mysterious ways. All right, stop. Settle down. Especially if you're not familiar with how the filter feature works on Facebook Live.

Okay, this is a recipe for fun. Okay. Now we'll allow the turn of journalistic phrase here, okay? Quote, my wife's comment

pops up and says, you've got filters going on of course as the wife was like she can't so she can't tell him in the actual thing because she doesn't want to interrupt the sermon she's so she's like i'll enter the comment section and just say to him filters going in a passive aggressive way you've got filters going on we had another church member saying this is some interesting attire and i'm like what what's going on i had another church member saying this is some interesting attire and i'm like what what's going on i can't see i love that there's a pastor who's like i'm like what and he was like and i was all and i was all and jesus was all huh and god was like

this is the truest thing any priest has ever said i I threw Joseph in there. I can't see anything. For a priest to say that, admit to what you can't see, and then all will be revealed. That's from the book of Randy 420. Unbeknownst to Mallory, for nearly three minutes, his sermon had the benefit of a rotation of, you ready for this? Space helmets, wizard hats. Maybe the most appropriate of all. Cat ears and googly eyes this is how every sermon should be read every single one should be done keep you on your toes make it fun why does church have to be so this is the thing hey religion you're losing people right now make it fun make it you don't have to spit fire and brimstone and whatnot don't dispute pull the lesson out of the story and do it in the form of a TikTok.

Literally, wizard hats and space helmets instead of fire and brimstone. I have a tripod that I put there, the iPhone in. I don't know if when I was putting it in, I hit the filters. This is him really saying, I don't understand. He's like, I'm really not sure to be honest with you. Wait a second. Wait, a priest is being honest here? Being honest with us. I love it. I appreciate it. I like this guy a lot. First priest ever to admit that he made a mistake. That's another thing that I would like to see more people, the clergy, do. Hey, I screwed up. Yeah, my bad.

We're not going to protect this guy over here because he screwed up bad. And then I love his wife. I love his wife. So she posts the video of it, I guess. Online for a group of wives of pastors. And from there, the internet did the rest. And his wife, again, you said was cool. Not afraid to make fun of her husband, humility, the key to leadership. Key to a good relationship.

People were like, he did that on purpose. And my mom, who was talking to me later, said, I know that face. You didn't know that that was happening. It's funny to me to think of a priest having a mom, right? Yeah. Yes. Priests and rabbis and- And wife. I mean, I think that is- But a wife of a priest is one thing. Wife of a priest is one thing,

but I think that is, for a lot of people, I feel bad for Catholic priests that they're so stuck in a lot of those situations where they can't have a wife. They don't have this outlet. They don't have this thing.

I don't think of priests having moms. Right. Again, this is really on priests for doing this. I think of them uh being relocated for molesting boys okay not having moms i like this priest and his mommy i really do maury is taking this episode in good humor i love it and humbled that his message is lifting spirits well

beyond the boundaries of butler missouri i've never had a video that was even a thousand views i love this guy and i never thought this is what i'd get i'd be known for you go to school for all these years have all that experience and prepare yourself week in and week out and then your famous moment is a bunch of cartoon faces i love it don't forget the space helmets and wizard hats and now i bet he's looking at the likes he is dead see he's looking at the likes a little bit now that's we may have created a monster here he's gonna get a big head he's gonna get a big head with a space helmet all right i'm at i'm at 2 000 views how many views is it at the second he starts saying to his wife just look it up how many views how many hits it's hard to take anything

seriously said by someone wearing a wizard hat and i'm going to include dumbledore in that yeah it was hard to take him seriously i'm like you are the king of hogwarts here but well so here's the question man does this guy now that he knows this is like successful does he actually learn how to use facebook now or does he go back and say filters every week come for the come for the jesus stay for the filters yeah that's what i'm gonna start doing you don't know what filters are coming up on me he needs to get a filter guy come for the Jesus, stay for the filters. Yeah. That's what I'm going to start doing. You don't know what filters are coming up on me. He needs to get a filter guy. Come for the liturgy, stay for the effigy that's hanging behind me because I put that in a filter.

I don't know. This guy might become the next big thing on Facebook. Facebook, of course, is skewing older and older every day. So maybe this is exactly where he needs to be this is it i love it i love it he's the emoji priest bring him back all right one last story you ready for this yes i i love this story and i feel like this this should tell you why a stimulus package of giving people twelve hundred dollars is not going to solve anything. According to the New York, New York. Yeah.

New York post. Well said ran. So, you know, according to the New York post. So, you know, it's hard hitting news.

People are using their stimulus checks to make some pretty ridiculous purchases. Number one, inflatable dinosaur costume necessary. I think that, I think that kind of makes sense. I'll be honest with you i think that makes sense i agree because when it all comes down and you start looting businesses

that like you want to do it with some flair you want to do it with some pizzazz i'm with you right and if you want to grow pre like i've always wanted to say i want to go prehistoric about to get prehistoric on this on your your ass. And I'm going to say this. It's a great way to stay anonymous. Hey, I looted that coffee shop, my regular coffee shop. They're not going to know it's me. No. And then if everything calms down in a few months,

coffee shop stays alive, you can go back in. Here's what else they're buying. Stripper poles. Stripper pole. Are they used stripper poles? No, new stripper poles. This was purchased by a future exotic dancer who said, we got to invest in our future. Future.

What exotic dancer has ever thought about his or her future? Right now, I'm just in med school, but I got big dreams. I mean, I got to invest in my future. If I put my nose to the grindstone, if I catch some breaks, maybe I can quit being a doctor someday and hit the pole i mean really i'm just going through medical school to save money so that i can support my stripping habit that's all i'm doing high-end dildo high-end high-end dildo not your run-of-the-mill

no-name brand lower bottom shelf this is top walmart dildo top shelf dildo right here this is an isabel marant dildo a solar powered with built-in wi-fi kind of a dildo the dildo that uh that keeps giving the dildo that i guess can that is a stimulus stimulus package that i can get behind this yes uh yeezys someone spent their stimulus 1200 check on a pair of yeezys i feel like this makes sense because didn't kanye when he was like rambling on stage and going crazy didn't he predict the coronavirus i think he may have said something about he and bill gates both predicted it which makes you think that they both had something to do with it which they didn't bird scooter yeah because those are hard to find

or steal good call on that good call on that and then this is the this is the one that and it's going to lead me to a running thing that we have for this someone wrote looking forward to using my stimulus check to buy another ar-15 another one another one put this asshole on a watch list that's right more than one ar-15 you're on a watch list. That's right. More than one AR-15, you're on a watch list. You're gone. You're one of the thousands. You should be on our list, which is, look, we know a lot of people are going to die during this,

but we want to be able to pick who gets to go. Yep. All right? If you own multiple AR-15s and you aren't the U.S. Army, see you later. Adios. And look, let me just, let me draw this distinction because I think people think that randy and i are

anti gun anyone owning a gun no they're responsible people who hunt and there are responsible people who uh are responsible about their gun use some people have old timey guns and stuff and they collect them as collectors i don't look i don't love it i don't i'm not like it doesn't excite me but like okay if you're gonna i get it it's not we know people who are responsible around that okay i i liken it to this a go-no owner is like a cat owner if you don't get all cat owners are fine you want a cat it's you own a cat people cat people cat you're gonna put makeup on your cat and put it in like an 18th century dolls outfit now you've crossed the line more that you you've just bought your second AR-15. That's who you are.

If you're a cat person, I'm a cat person. Are you a cat person? Then you're the equivalent of an AR-15 gun person. That's right. You're a gun person. There's a difference. You're not a gun owner. You're a gun person.

And gun people, sorry. You're part of the group that's got to go. And look, the difference is both those are awful groups. Cat people and and gun people they're bad but you can't like shoot up a musical festival with a fat tabby no right you do with an ar-15 you can annoy everyone to want to then go shoot themselves by saying do you want to put more makeup on your tummy you want me to rub your tummy just keep saying like do you want it how's your tummy keep apple cat people keep saying, like, do you want me to, how's your tummy? Keep, cat people keep saying the word tummy and it's just over

and over and over again. All right. There you go. There you go. That's the show, you guys. Thank you so much for,

use your stimulus checks wisely. Use them wisely. Do get a, punch a water faucet and then go wash your hands. Stay socially distanced, but stay socially connected. It's really important

to do that stuff and laugh. I hope this podcast gets you through your day. Stay socially distanced, but stay socially connected. It's really important to do that stuff. And laugh. I hope this podcast gets you through your day. Check this out. Check out Matt Besser's Smoke Me Up with Matt Besser, especially today on 420. Go back in the back catalog and check those out. And we are out. We'll see you tomorrow, guys. In my car