Dumb People Town - Spike Feresten - Toilet Thief

Episode Date: December 14, 2018

Writer/comedian Spike Feresten joins the guys to discuss the tale of a stolen toilet!

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band, with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk, cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, on your downies, Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a Friday episode of Dumb People Town. Population new, population spike, spike Ferriston, what's up buddy? I'm the dumbest guy in town. Population you. Population Spike. Spike Ferriston. What's up, buddy?

I'm the dumbest guy in town. So you've got me here. You're the resident smarty pants. We're here to tell you how dumb you are. No, but we are trying to understand the fact that the world is getting dumber. As we speak, it's like global warming. It's happening faster. It's everywhere. Everywhere. Once we melt the dumb ice caps,

then the dumb sea rises. It just rises. The temperature of dumbness rises in the world, and we just are trying to figure it out. You have a great podcast that we just did that I really love, Spikes Car Radio. You guys were great. It was really fun. I loved it. I feel like we didn't get enough into cars with you.

It didn't matter. The fans were like, funniest episode ever. I read that a lot. I did. I swear. We had a blast doing it with you, and I't matter. The fans were like, funniest episode ever. I read that a lot. I did, I swear. We had a blast doing it with you. And I love how much you, we started, we scratched the surface of your love of cars. And I just, to me, like anything, I'm fascinated by people who have a tremendous knowledge in a certain area. So I'm like, what's your, I know what my favorite is, and I'm just an outsider. I don't have, like there's, you know, I was saying, there's a Corvette like Stingray body in my neighborhood,

and I'm like, I love that car. Dan's favorite car is the car you, your first car that you have. My first car, 72 Chevelle. Yeah, fantastic cars. These are all great cars. I was driving here in a brand new GT2 RS, and I found myself for I think about 10 minutes of the drive feeling happy and got out of that self-loathing, that self-hatred. That just permeates this town.

I think that's what the cars do for me. For five or 10 minutes a day, I don't hate myself. And I'm not lost in this morbid self-reflection. For you, it's a car. For other people, it's Lexapro. But for you, it's probably also Lexapro. morbid self-reflection. For you, it's a car. For other people, it's Lexapro. But for you, it's probably also Lexapro.

You might recognize Spike. He had a fantastic talk show that I watched back in the day. And we thought it was on FX, but it was on Fox. It was on Fox, proper. On Fox, proper. That is so hard to do. Yeah, it was impossible. It should never have happened. But it was wonderful. But a great writer leading up to that.

I always felt like that was... Yeah, I wanted to do a writer-driven late-night show. That was all just the writer's room. Phenomenal. It's so funny because we talk about friends who have worked on The Daily Show, and they love Jon Stewart. I mean, Jon Stewart is just the best of the best of the best. But I think some of the writers on The Daily Show loved when Kilborn was on it

because he really did what they wrote. Not that Jon didn't do what they wrote, but Jon gave it so much. Jon put English on it and did it his way and really sort of evolved it. But Kilmore really executed what the writers had envisioned for TV. Well, that's what you do. I mean, that's why you want that job. You want to do as much or

as little as you want. That's your show. It's an accordion show. It's an accordion show. You're like, let's make it this big. Well, I started off writing jokes. Now you're the guy picking the jokes and writing them and rewriting. But, you know, you get the right writers. It's such a great job. It's so much fun.

I love that show. And I do think you are uniquely designed to help us try and figure this dumb world out as we get great stories sent to us and sent to Dan. We've never seen them. You've never heard them. Dan's barely read them. Let's jump into it, right? Let's do it. Yeah, here we go.

This was sent in by Tony McDaniel at Tony Mac Comedy. So maybe he's a comedian. I think he's a comedian. For a second I was like, is that one of Run DMC? Yeah. Tony McDaniel. Tony Mac. Tony McDaniel.

Huntington, West Virginia. Don't know that we've been in West Virginia in Tom Peeble Town. Have you ever been to West Virginia? Have you ever been to West Virginia? Dumb People Town. Have you ever been to West Virginia? Have you ever been to West Virginia? No, have you? Have you ever been to West Virginia? Yeah, I was just shooting some stuff there. Oh, yeah?

What part? I don't recall. I mean, I had the crew. I wasn't there myself. But I heard stories of dumb people told. Isn't that one of the Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia? Have you seen that doc? No. Spike, have you seen that doc? No.

Spike, have you seen that documentary? You get about like a holler somewhere and that whole thing. It's these poor white people in West Virginia. Yeah, and it's crazy. They have a lot of land. They like to do jackass-y and stunts there. But, you know, you're right. But they might be happier than we are.

Oh, they were all extremely happy. The people we shot were very happy. So then they might, when you say shot, you actually took a gun and shot them. Yeah, we did. I didn't do shooting. I lined them up against the wall. There was no production there. You were just shooting people.

I was just shooting people in West Virginia. Not as happy. You do realize that, like, in Hollywood, we just assumed what you were talking about, but if someone's not from Hollywood and you're like, we went to West Virginia to shoot some people, that feels... That sounds like I'm shooting them with guns. No. Is that a new thing? We shot a couple of television pilots there for

Television Network. Okay, good. Thank you. Is that a new wing of MoveOn.org? And it's awesome there. Believe me. Oh, I know. Once you get good tape, you go to West Virginia. It is beautiful. Morgantown, West Virginia, where University of West Virginia is, is gorgeous. Once you get a good tape, you go to West Virginia. It is beautiful. Morgantown, West Virginia, where the University of West Virginia is, is gorgeous. I mean, a beautiful campus in the mountains, Smoky Mountains.

I think Smoky Mountains, maybe. Yeah. West Virginia gets a shout out on country roads, doesn't it? Yeah. Yeah. West Virginia. Mountain Mama. Take me home.

It's often said that thieves will take whatever they can get their hands on. Now, we know this is true because we had a story of someone stealing a cheese grater. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Well, I remember a story, and I don't think we ever did this, where someone robbed the house with their— Mason Tackett. Right, Mason Tackett.

But someone robbed the house with their small child so that the child could get everything off the bottom shelves. Stop. Yeah. You got to get your kids in there while they're trained. So it's really the thrill of the hunt more than even what you're getting is what you're trying. They couldn't squat? Nope.

No time, Spike. Anyway, it's often said that thieves will take whatever they can get their hands on, but one burglary case in Huntington has truly left the victim and neighbors dumbfounded. Now you're here. Saturday, Barry Heider, not Bill Hader, not Bill Hader in Barry. Not Bill Hader in Barry, which is great. Barry Heider. Barry Heider went to his daughter's wedding.

One of the happiest moments of his life was followed by one of the most bizarre when he returned home. This is like when players are playing the Super Bowl and someone goes to their house and just robs the fuck out of them. Wasn't that an old trick of the trade that people would look for funeral announcements, see when the wake was going to be, and then go to the house of those people and rob them while they were sleeping? Dan, it is now. Now that you you announced it that was happening to the Dodgers I know, did Yasiel Puig's house

get ripped off? Exactly. I remember being a kid and somebody would sadly I went to a lot of funerals when I was a kid and they would say like oh yeah we had so and so we asked them to stay at our house while we were here at the wake or while we were here at the funeral because people do that. On guard. Yeah and weddings weddings they do it too usually they just don't know when the

wedding is now it's instagram every vacation picture yeah right hey we're gone go ahead help you it's wide open yeah literally you just exactly said it randy quote this is from barry heider our back door was wide open whoa yes! That is a little on you. I'm not blaming the victim, but come on. Well, they didn't leave it that way. That's what was there when they came back. They're in the car on the way to the wedding. Do you want to close that door?

No. Just go. Leave it. Nobody's going to do it. Somebody's going to steal our pencil cup. I don't want to get hammered at the wedding and lose our keys and then not be able to get in because our door isn't wide open. I'm just trying to be preemptive.

Somebody had climbed through a window into his house along Monroe Avenue in Huntington. The person right is, do you think we don't need to start telling everybody where they live? They were just robbed. We don't need to give the They have nothing left. It's all gone. We're starting over.

Drop some stuff off. Put it in. Put it back in the house. Quote, this is from Barry Heider. The place was ransacked. Heider said there had been a leak in his bathroom, so he'd been planning to remodel it and install a brand new commode, which was sitting in a box in his living room.

Commode. I can't tell you the last time I heard a toilet described as a commode. Barry, if this commode doesn't get out of our living room, it's been there for four and a half weeks. You know Barry was having people over to watch University of West Virginia. Where should I sit? Sit on the commode box. They use the commode as an extra seat. Use the commode as an extra seat.

There's always a dad visiting his daughter in L.A. who asks the waiter at the Mexican restaurant, where's the commode at around here? And she's like, I'm trying to be an extra. Maybe Barry's a hospital worker. Yeah. I think those are the only folks that say commode. Well, the thief stole a TV, computer, and the new toilet. Oh.

Why? In the middle of a remodel. Well, in the middle of a living room. I want to know, what I want to know is how long was that toilet sitting in the living room in a box? And how much did his wife, when they came back and it was gone, she's like, I told you. I told you. She's probably glad. If you would have put that in and finished the remodel, we would still have it.

I want to know where they were going in the bathroom. That's a great question, too. The toilet is in a box. Were they out back? It is West Virginia. But look, here's what I do think. A terrible shithole. Someone, in his mind, he had logic going. He had it. You said going. He had it.

You said it. He had logic. He was like, look, this is the living room. When do you feel the most alive? When you're taking a really good shit. This toilet is representative of L-I-V-I-N. Or maybe it was like, why? Exactly.

Why do we need to put rules on where things are? I just hope that... Let's create our own rules. I see a scenario where weeks of her telling him get this toilet out of my living room. I'm gonna! After the wedding! After the wedding!

So you know that relationship with your wife and vice versa. The idea that you didn't do something and it comes back to bite you in the ass. Everybody has done it. She was the one who was supposed to put the toilet in, and he kept being like, honey, can you please install this toilet? She's like, I'm gonna.

I'm gonna. After the wedding. We're going to get through this wedding, and then it's toilet time. But until then. How about the possibility that this toilet was a wedding present? At the last minute, he said, I picked something up. What'd you get? A toilet.

She said, no. Or it came three weeks ago, and they're like, can we put it in? Not until after the wedding. What if they don't go through with it? Right. The toilet is one of those things. It's so easy to install. It's really a five or ten minute installation.

Have you ever done it? You unscrew the top of the other one. It's four bolts, right? You lift it off. And then you put the other one on top, and you screw it back down. Yeah you ever done it? You unscrew the top of the other one. It's four bolts, right? You lift it off and then you put the other one on top and you screw it back down. Yeah, that's it.

That is it. That's it. So maybe he just didn't have time to do it? Or she didn't. Or she didn't. I love the idea, though, of one of them

nagging the other, being like, let us finish this goddamn wedding because right now I have centerpieces. That's what I'm dealing with. I'm trying to do a seating chart and you're

talking to me about the toilet in the other room. It was her wedding? It was her daughter's wedding. It was Barry Heider's daughter's. B.H. But also... There's more stuff in that living room. There was a TV and a computer and you know it's a desktop. And I'm gonna say

I'm gonna say no less than three fishing rods. Oh, 100%. The thief was like, what is the most heavy, largest, bulkiest thing I can steal with no street value? Right. Grab that toilet over there. Also, if you're stealing a toilet, you know you've got time.

You've got it. Yeah. Okay, so Dan, do you think this is an inside job? You know what I'm saying? Like, they know that. They knew when they knew in the wedding once. I weren't invited. It's a neighbor down the street who wasn't invited, who thought they should have been invited.

Right. They know they're gone. If you're funny, you take the toilet, and then three weeks later, you put it on their front doorstep. No. Three weeks later, you install it later you put it on their front doorstep no three weeks later you install it you install it in their house and they go to sit down and they don't know

why it feels different right I think this has to be meth heads this is a meth head decision we'll sell it we'll sell it we can live in it

we can live in it think about it dude think about it everyone needs a toilet all we gotta do is find someone who needs a toilet great logic genius got to do is find someone who needs it. Great logic.

Genius, man. Great logic. Supply and demand. A lot of supply and demand. A lot of demand. When you need a toilet, it's a lot of demand. When you really need a toilet, that's a lot of demand. Everybody and everything.

Quote, how desperate are you that you steal a toilet of all things? But as Spike's pointed out, how lazy are you that you haven't installed that toilet? Of all things. Of all things. Neighbors are confused why a thief would stoop to this new low. I love that they're acting as though the thief stole their photo albums. Yeah, exactly. Like, you don't need that.

A new low would be an old toilet. If they took an old toilet and said, yeah, and this, that would be a real serial killer move. It's like, ah, I got you right here. And who's going to take the old toilet away, honey? Thieves! Thieves will take it away. I don't understand why someone would steal a toilet, neighbor Ashley Holland said. To no one,

to nobody in particular, she just said that loudly. And then someone's like, write it down. If we need more words. It's very sad for somebody to break into somebody's house and steal a toilet. They're literally treating this like it's a puppy. Is it that sad

that someone stole it? It was only a six week old toilet, Dan. It wasn't even house-trained. It wasn't. The toilet just kept going into the living room. You know like the firebugs like to show up to the fire? I think this girl. Ashley Holland? Ashley did it.

What's going on over here? It's so very clear. I have something to say about it. Well, there are no reporters. There's no one here covering this. Somebody get Ashley's quote here. Quote this. By the way, the toilet didn't even have its shots yet.

And then it's a quote, which I think is attributed to Ashley. It just says, it's fitting you stole a toilet because this is a bunch of crap. We love news comedy. Love news comedy. There you go. And there was a debate whether they could say crap. They're like, this is going in at 10 p.m. Yeah, we can do it, but I'm not happy about it.

We're going to get complaints. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break. I have a fun little fact when we come right back. Okay're going to get complaints. Should we take a break? Yeah, let's take a break. I have a fun little fact when we come right back. Okay, I can't wait. Spike Fairsten is with us. I said Fairsten. And we'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to the show. I hope you did something smart in the break. And let's get to it, Dan. Before we do, the podcast is called Spice Car Radio. If you love cars and you love comedy. It's really a car and comedy podcast.

And you love, that's the way in, but it's you having funny conversations with people that you enjoy in that way. Yeah, we've had Leno, Corolla. It's all like the secret car guys and then a lot of non-car people. And then it's just, you know, comedians like you guys. It's just whoever I want to talk to for an hour a week. And the car is the way in. That's what you said to us right before we sat down.

You were like, you made us feel very good because you said, I've wanted you guys on this for a long time and I don't need to talk to people I don't want to talk to so the fact that you're here means I wanted to sit down and spend this time with you we totally did so anyway check that out

you're on the Twitters and on the Instagrams as well do you Instagram a bunch of stuff about Carson? yeah Instagram mostly I'm not trusting Facebook these days it's getting a little sketchy. Why not? Yeah, right? And we also should remind everybody that on January 11th, we were doing a stand-up show at SF Sketch Fest that night.

And then after that, at 10.30 over at Cobb's, come over to Dumb People Town, where we will be doing a live Dumb People Town Hall the night before your guys' birthday. It'll be your birthday. It'll roll into our birthday. It'll roll into our birthday. If you haven't heard

or we haven't told you yet, Ron Funches is joining us for a live Dumb People's House. And maybe another special guest on that show, too. Yeah, that might be great, too. And if you're a Drip member, make sure you follow the protocol on the Facebook page and email us to let us know that you're coming, because we'll also be doing a little meet and greet before the show. Appreciate it.

Alright, cool. Okay. Hider, that's Barry Barry if you're nasty. Heider. Says his toilet theft is the last straw and he is making plans to move to Tennessee to be with relatives. I guess I didn't think about this. Maybe he's unmarried.

There might be no one else in the house. This was his saying, you got two strikes against you, West Virginia. If you steal my toilet. One more thing happens, I'm moving to Tennessee. By the way, his last name is Hider, and he didn't do a good job hiding the new toilet. He's not a good hider. No.

If he goes to Tennessee, is that an upgrade? No. Something else is going on with his family. There's some other detail that we don't have. This is the last straw, the wedding, the wife. There's a lot wrong with what's happening here. I kind of am going to pick up on what you're saying, Spike. I don't think

he's that mad about the toilet. No, I don't either. I think this just gave him an excuse to get the toilet. He's grateful. That is an excuse. The toilet is an excuse. Hold on, because as he says, the toilet theft is the last straw. He moved to Huntington last November and he has been robbed since he moved there. How many times?

All right! Coming to you with an overview to find out how much damage did they do? Okay, now you guys are going to play a little fun guessing game. How many times in one year? I know exactly the number. Do you think someone has broken into his house and robbed him? Six. Why is it six times?

I don't know. You just feel it? You see the number. I see the number. All right, SpikeSex6, Randy or Jason? Jason, what do you think? He's been robbed four times. Four times from Jason's car.

Is this including the toilet? Yes. Four. Okay. Three times in a year is a lot. I think he's been robbed nine times. Nine times. Like Ferris Bueller shows up.

Nine times. And so the reason they took the toilet is because there's nothing else left. He's got nothing else. The computer, the TV. Also. Just wiped him out. Yes. He said that's the third desktop that's gone

Right This is meth head behavior It is We need money for meth Just go to that guy's house Or better locks Spike, what did you say? Six

Six Chase said four I said nine Nine, okay Barry Heider Get your answers in now, townies Because since moving into Huntington, West Virginia Last November This is my favorite part of the show What a mess Because, by the way chances in now, Townies, because since moving into Huntington, West Virginia last November...

This is my favorite part of the show. By the way, just know that tens of thousands of people are listening to this somewhere on the subway at work, and they're yelling out a number. They're just like, seven! They're just shouting. Or they're going, let's move to Huntington, Virginia. I got robbed

less there. His last quote is quote, this is it. I can't handle it anymore. Which probably goes for a lot of areas in his life. Or a lot of people in West Virginia. Right. By the way, that's what he says when he finishes dinner, too. He pushes the plate forward and he's like, this is it.

I can't handle it anymore. That's a good feeling, though, when you're in that. Yeah, when you get endless pasta at Olive Garden. All right. By the way, when I was younger, I used to be like, endless pasta, I could do that And I would get like three bowls of that Now, just to finish a bowl of pasta Feels like hard And like I'll pay for it

Yeah, I'll be paying for that Everyone in my life will be paying for it You don't even have a living room toilet to go in And by the way, we're going to start a GoFundMe for this man's new toilet. And a moving truck. Definitely the latter. And a moving truck. Barry Heider, in the last year of living in Huntington, who's now going back to Tennessee

to be with relatives, has been robbed. This is going to be like 15. 20. Three times. That was great. There you go. Think about it. If you were robbed three times, you'd be upset. This is going to be like 15. 20. Three times. Oh! Jay was right! Jay, you were one up. Think about it. If you were robbed three times, you'd be upset.

Twice! If you're robbed three times, even after the second time, you need to go to hotel rules. Everything in your house needs to be screwed down. Nail it down! The TV can't come off the wall. The speakers are nailed to the end table. Or just don't have nice things. Just get a ring camera. Yes. Just get a ring camera.

Just get a ring camera. You'll resolve this in a minute. You're assuming he has a phone. I'm going to put that into my GoFundMe for this guy. Ring camera. Ring camera, a toilet. A toilet with a ring camera. A toilet with a ring camera.

When you flush it, it turns on. That would be genius. There it is. All right. That's a story. That's a on. That would be genius. There it is. That's a story. That's an episode. Spike, thanks for joining us. That's it. In and out. We'll have you back on another one.

Please check out his awesome podcast and follow him on Instagram. Oh shit, we've got to get back to work. It's a good show.