Dumb People Town - Steph Tolev - If Thou Wouldst...

Episode Date: May 31, 2022

This week Steph Tolev comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is an absolute horror show of a wedding. The second story is another classic case of something stuck in someone. The final story is a gem of a craigslist ad.

Skypains, out of here. Hey, Taddies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Tolev. Steph Tolev. Welcome to the show. Hey, People Town. Population U. Population Tulliv. Steph Tulliv. Welcome to the show. Hey. Hi, Steph. Good to see you.

Thanks for having me. It's so good to have you. We've wanted this to happen for a while now. So we've loved doing stand-up shows with you. I think we were on the boast rattle with you, and you had the best joke. We judged the boast rattle. We judged the boast rattle. Did you do the joke of you're always on Instagram?

Yeah, always on Instagram. And you know what? She's also always on the right side of history. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Great joke. Great joke. Great boast. Good boast.

Good boast. All right, but you've been blowing it up. We love following you on TikTok. Oh, yeah. Come on. TikTok is a new way to get your stuff out there. Is it? I'm shadow banned

again for probably the hundredth time. How do you know? Because I have 530,000 followers. Huge brag. That is totally amazing. It's not because my views are shit right now. I'm getting like 10k views on every video. Hey, some people are weird. That's good for us.

Why are you shadow banned? I have theories about if you post anything that's like show or link or tickets, they'll just get buried.

They'll just bury it in the algorithm because they're like, we don't want you promoting. You're here to either like post birthday cakes or your life. Yeah, I hate to pull

the I'm a woman card but I'm going to because they really shadowbanned female comics. So if I say, I know Jessica Kearson gets it a lot too and she's so fucking funny

it's insane so you say vagina or something they're like no fuck you and they put you like way down so here's the thing

I could watch you on a four wheeler just being a silly character all day long if you were just like on a crazy ATV my Marcy character

that people think I'm her now and I want to kill myself people have come to shows going where's Marcy I'm like I'm Marcy character? Yes. People think I'm her now and I want to kill myself? You're like, oh no, People have come to shows going, where's Marcy?

I'm like, I'm Marcy. It's a bit. What are you saying? Yes, I am. It's a character. It's a version of me.

Do you do Marcy stuff in your act? It's me. It's just me complaining about men. That's all it is. I understand, but do you say,

I do this thing on, this is what it is? No. So maybe you need to get into a little bit. I don't want to do this. Are it is? No. So maybe you need to get a little dumb. I don't want to do this. Are they that stupid? Fuck them.

They're dumb. Okay, so they're dumb. That's a great way to segue into this show. Dumb people are doing dumb things. The world's getting dumber. We've got to fight back with comedy. So our fans send us great stories, and then they send them to Dan at Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter.

Hashtag dumb people town. He knows the order. Sure. Let's get into one. Let's do it. Yes. This was sent in by Royal with two l's that's the name and then the handle is at hc royal which you now know has two l's hc i feel like stands for headquarters royal head coach head coach royal head head

carters uh here's the headline this is just dumb This is exactly what would happen in Dumb People's Home. Best man steals bride from groom after confessing love in his wedding speech. Wow. That's a baller move. Ooh, that's big. Because you're ready to burn it down. I'm like, I was just at a wedding. I mean, the speeches are bad already. If this guy's speech was good, I can't believe this.

Have you guys ever been to a wedding where the best man speech was just like the worst thing i mean like like offensive or like appalling like we watched our friend take his brother outside of the wedding after his speech and yell at him we watched the yelling because we're like this is better than the wedding sure for 15 minutes about how he's like i told you not to do this this stuff. You're not funny. You're not entertaining. You ruined my wedding. You're a piece of shit. It was awesome. It was unbelievable. But like, this is a best man that is that literally made the play for

the bride. I mean, made the biggest swing ever. Those are people worried about someone wearing white and taking the light away. This dude's like, I'm gonna take the white away. Oh my God. He's letting it all hang out. Okay, here we go. Oh, my God. First comes love, then comes marriage. Then comes the best man to steal the bride away from the groom at the wedding.

Terrible writing. Terrible writing. Whoever wrote this is stupid. Such was the case for Desiree White, who ultimately divorced her husband to marry her lifelong friend and the best man at her wedding, Bryant. After he confessed. That's a problem. Bryant. Bryant.

With a T at the end. No reason. After he confessed his undying love for her while toasting her and her husband's nuptials to his then best friend. So I want to just say I love this girl so much. And I love this couple. I love this couple. But I'm just going to say this. I love this girl. I mean, who doesn't?

I love a girl. Wedding speeches, right? My mother just gave the worst wedding speech in the entire world to my sister's wedding. What was it? She literally said at one point,

well, you know, she brought home a lot of men back in the day. Oh, my God. And then everyone was like, what? And I'm like, she didn't. I'm like, I'm the whore

in the family. My sister said, like, two boyfriends. Did you have to stand up? Did you have to stand up and say, I'm the whore? I was like, what? And I'm like, she didn't. I'm like, I'm the whore in the family. My sister's had like two boyfriends. Did you have to stand up? Did you have to stand up and say, I'm the whore in the family? I was like, everybody here. You're like, you never recognize my accomplishments? You make my victories hers?

Do I need to read the list? I will. I have it on my phone. They're like, whoa, whoa, whoa, please, please. I gave an H-J to David Turnbull. What was the vibe when she made that joke? Like, did people do The like Silence

Everyone went My sister grabbed me Under the table And she's like Oh my fucking god I was like Oh my god And then my mom was like

Is your mom funny One guy was in No She thinks she is That's the problem She's not funny at all Were you Did you speak after her

Yeah I had to go And take the mic And then I did like a riff Where I was like I'm like I think my mom has a mistake And I'm like If everybody in here right now

Counted on both hands I've still fucked more guys than that And then everyone was like okay okay I should have said the F bomb everyone was like I'm sorry I swore

but I'm very upset right now but also whether they whether it whether it played or not you were doing it for your sister who was probably

so grateful clean the pallet you know she was like doing a controlled burn around the fire like your mom was a forest fire and you're like,

all right, I'm going to burn this area around to stop it from spreading. Yeah. This is the extent of her damage. Did you ask your mom later, like,

you thought that was going to work? I was like insane. And then at one point she added on, caught her in the back with one guy one time in the back of the car. Oh boy.

And everyone was like, stop the bit. Stop this bit. What are you doing? What are you doing? So I, yeah, I would have no clue. I would get in my mom's face on that bit. Stop this bit. What are you doing? This is a bad bit. So I would have no clue.

I would get in my mom's face on that one. That's crazy. You'd be like, this is a time for me. I'm 100% right. So what do you think this guy said? Do you want to hear some of it? Yeah, I would love to hear it. Now, to me, Dan, you're going to make a case for this guy? No.

Okay. The first part of the first sentence, I think if we were all sitting at a table, we would be a great wedding table. We would be a great table? Are you kidding? We'd be in the back. We'd definitely be in the back.

We're the singles table. We're the fucking losers. We're way, even though I'm married, we're way out there. We're in the back. We're in the back, and no one really knows how we got invited. The scholars want me to write a book

called I'll Dance With Your Aunt, why I'm the perfect wedding guest. I mean, Dan, you absolutely have to. You have to write that book. We would be in the back, guaranteed in the back. And I'm telling you, halfway through this sentence. Dan, your tips are about like walking. Pro wedding tips.

Yeah, from Dan Van Kirk. Walk right in, give the bartender a 20. He will be yours all night. You won't have to wait for a drink forever. The other pro tip, order six glasses of wine and when the guy goes, ugh, be like,

just give me the bottle then because it's the same amount. And then, then you've got the bottle. Then you walk back to the table with the bottle, you better get a standing ovation. You hide it

and then when they shut down the bar during dinner, you go, we're good guys, we're good. Wow, you've done this before.

Oh, so many times. I will dance with your aunt, Dan Van Kirk's pro tips for weddings. Halfway through this sentence, I would look at all through you and be like, here we go. Even if I didn't know, you would go right away. Buckle up, step, here it is. I remember, this is what he said, quote, I remember the first time I saw Desiree.

And you're like, uh-uh. No. You're already like. You better be talking about the singer. You gotta be bad. You gotta be bold. You gotta be wiser. Oh, Alan Claghorn's Desiree sketch in the wake of

OJ. Do you remember that on SNL? She's like, you gotta run fast. You gotta get away from OJ. Oh my god, it's so funny. He said, I remember the first time I saw Desiree. I loved her. I'm sure silence. said, quote, I remember the first time I saw Desiree. I loved her. Nope. I'm sure silence. Silence.

Like you just hear like one fork dropping on a plate. Some old grandma's like, what did he just say? No. No. You don't want to know. Don't repeat it. Remember, this is, he is the best. He's just somebody who took the mic. This is the best man speech at their wedding. I remember the first time I was in love with her. Second sentence. I fell in love with her. Second sentence.

I fell in love with her. Nope. No. I knew she had to be mine. No. How is no one stopping it now? Are the rolls out? Let's get the rolls out.

That's when a DJ earns every penny. If they're like, okay, all right, let's hear it one more time. We've got a lot of love for this. We're cooling the gang. Everybody on the dance floor. Do you remember? 21st? Okay.

Earth, wind, and fire. Okay. He goes, she had to be mine. No. Could you imagine your sister's nails in your thigh? Yeah. Insane. Your sister is like, I thought she was the most beautiful person I've ever seen in my life.

I want footage of this so badly. Bryant White from Illinois, that makes me sad to say, told Kennedy News and media of Bryant's best man speech during her, oh, she is now white, okay, I don't know, of her 2010 matrimony. Yeah, she is. He said, she's the best person I ever met. I've never met

anyone like her. Then I found out she already had a boyfriend, and I thought, I need to find a way to get her. So I'm going to do it this way. Wait till the wedding day. Wait till the biggest mess that could happen. I wanted to wait for a moment where I could do it in front of

his family. Yeah. I think he's reading his speech too. This is the groom's speech. Can I talk to you about timing for a quick second? He said, and then I met her boyfriend

at the time, who eventually becomes her husband, and we became friends. Or I tried to basically embed myself in his life. Right. The identity of her former spouse is unknown. Fine. Leave him out of it. He was out of it at the wedding. Poor guy.

She and her ex sat side by side, slack-jawed, as Bryant poured out his heart in front of them. And how many guests? Okay. How many guests do you guys think? How many people were at your sister's wedding? It was smaller.

It was only like 60. Okay. That's a good number. How many do you think he stepped? What do you think? I'm going to say 200. Okay. 150.

Okay. I think this is big. I'm going to say 200. Okay. 150. Okay. I think this is big. I'm going to say 320. It just feels like it's a lot of people. One of you is exactly right. So now we get to play who do you think is right. What did you say again? You want to stick with yourself?

What did I say again? Yeah. 200. No, she said 200. I said 200. I'm going to stick with 200. I'm staying with me. 150.

Stay with me. I'm going to stick with $200. I'm staying with me. $150. Stay with me. He did this in front of the bride and groom who were in shock and along with $200 wedding tickets. Oh, dang. She knows.

I know. She knows. Bryant then just said, love you both. Congratulations. And ended it there. Congratulations for what? He didn't even go. If you're going to go, be like, leave with me right now.

Yeah, that's it. Let's go. Let's go. And he just sat back down beside the groom? Yes didn't even go. If you're going to go, be like, leave with me right now. Yeah, that's it. Let's go. And he just sat back down beside the groom? Yes. No. Yes. It ended there, she added, noting that her ears turned red with embarrassment after his admission. A wave of awkwardness then overcame the room.

Yeah. White remembered saying everyone was kind of laughing and then it got quiet. Yeah. And she was admittedly confused by Bryant's confession. Of course.

I'll say this. If this guy's been in your life this long and you don't, you haven't picked up on a little bit, a little bit. He's making the long play.

Yeah, he's got a couple hands on the leg, couple lower back rubs over the years. A little bit of He's making the long play. Yeah, he's got a couple hands on the leg, couple lower back rubs over the years. I mean, there's something. I wouldn't do that to you. Not a little. A lot of those. Oh, my God.

That's a red flag. Call me if he hits you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A little bit of that. She said she was confused, most notably due to the staunchly platonic nature of their years-long camaraderie. Bryant and my ex-husband became best friends, and because they were guys, they did a lot

together. They did everything together, White said, insisting that she did not harbor any romantic feelings for her now-husband during their formative years. So she was like, I never even looked at him that way when I wasn't with him. She went on to say, I would set Bryant up on dates with other women so many times. I've been on double dates with him, and I always tell people I wouldn't have ever dated the person that he was then. So even when they were friends, she was like, I didn't like that guy.

I wouldn't have dated him. He seemed a little conniving. She said at the time, he had a lot of growing up. He had a lot of growing up to do. Well, no shit. He doesn't even know when the right time to fucking speak up is. She said at that time, he had a lot of growing up to do well no shit he doesn't even know when the right time to fucking speak up is she said at that time he had a lot of

growing up to do I didn't really look at him in that way but his unbridled unbossoming bosoming yeah didn't stop at his

best man speech later that evening at the wedding reception why is he still there why literally no one is asking to leave this point

he's insane even if the guy the groom is chill he goes so you're taking off, right, man? Right. Yeah. It's fun having him. I'm not saying we're not going to be friends anymore, but after that, you're obviously taking off.

Yeah. What are you going to do? Are you going to horn in on the father-daughter dance now? And who did he run this by? I hope no one. No one. There's no way. He does not have anybody to run it by.

No, no, no. He does not. This guy has no guy friends. Later that evening, this woman shared a dance with Bryant while her new husband cut a rug with the maid of honor. So they did one of those traditional things. Yes. I don't even know that tradition.

The bride and the maid of honor dances. Don't know it. Never heard of this one. Never once. It's called the old key party. It's quite a bit. Yeah. Never heard of this.

I didn't have it in my sister's wedding. No, I didn't either. Wife swap. Maybe because I was the maid of honor. We're stopping the it in my sister's wedding. Wife swap. Maybe because I was made of honor. We're stopping the tradition now. We don't. Your skin is bubbling up. Please.

Old blister legs. White. What is her first name? Did it ever say? Oh, Desiree. Desiree White. We knew that. Yeah, sorry.

I forgot. Now it's White. Desiree recalled that while dancing with Bryant, he said, quote, why didn't you ever give me a chance? I would have always taken care of you. He's not done. He cannot stop.

It's the reverse of Hamilton. It's like, stop taking your shot. You should not be in the room where this is happening. You have to stop taking air shot. I asked him what he meant, and he said, Nothing, I love you. What?

They don't give the ex-husband's name. I'm going to call him Kyle. She goes, Nothing, I love you. I love Kyle. And then he got quiet, she said. Oh, finally. No shit. Yeah.

Should have gotten quiet a long time ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Following her big day of festivities, a confounded Desiree remembered hoping that she'd misinterpreted Bryant's revelation of love. I can't believe she's with him now. No. And tried sweeping it under the carpet in her mind. I'm sure it was because he was really drunk and lonely, is what she told herself.

Oh my God. I knew up to this point that he had girlfriends that weren't working out, and he was kind of a third wheel. Kind of a third wheel. I bet, too. Wanting to take the steering wheel. I bet he was so drunk when he did that. No. I don't know.

You think he went off script? Yeah. I think he was like. Dude, you think he was planning it? No, he planned it. He planned it. This is the time he's going to say it. Oh, yeah.

And I think he probably thought people would think. It's like they didn't know he was joking or not. You know what I mean? No, this is like- What he should have said is, I love you. You mean everything to me. You're the light of my life. I knew it since I met you. Oh, shit.

I'm reading Kyle's speech. Oh, guys, I'm sorry. I was reading Kyle's speech. I'm reading the speech I wrote for Kyle. No, no. This is like when that Republican senator would go in the bathroom and tap a foot under the other stall. And if someone taps back, it's go time. If they don't, it's like, ah, just playing around. In this case, 200 people are seeing his tap.

You know what I'm saying? Your tap. It's a physical tap. You're Gregory Hines in front of these people. That's what you're doing. You're tap dancing all over. You're Savion Glovering up everyone's asshole. However, less than a year later, when her marriage began to crumble

because her then-husband had adopted what she called a totally different lifestyle. So, motocross. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought you were going to say adopted two kids. Yeah. Didn't run it by her. I was like, hey, got you a present. Look what I got.

We got these. Desiree's relationship with Bryant took a sudden romantic turn. When Kyle and I broke up and divorced, I went through a depression and was really secluding myself. Which, if she really did take a big time between, that's the smartest thing she could have ever done. Also date some other people. Which, if she really did take a big time between, that's the smartest thing she could have ever done. Fine. Fair enough. Like a real... Also date some other people. I just didn't want to make an effort for anything, she said, noting that Bryant showered her with emotional support during the separation.

Of course. Of course he did. He was there to shower with a lot of people. He'd ask me to eat with him or hang out or watch a show. Or lay on top of him. Or insert himself inside of me. I mean, it was emotional support. It was support

Then It was always there for me Then to her surprise Is it a surprise? With me She goes then to her surprise Which it should not be Because less than a year

You've been divorced less than a year He did this speech Less than a year ago He told you in front of everyone At the wedding Yes He loved you at your wedding to someone else Bryant and I just kissed one day

When we were hanging out. It was out of nowhere. When he kissed me- It wasn't out of nowhere. No, I don't think so. It was not out of nowhere. So this is a woman who cannot read signs. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Literally, out of nowhere. Because he fired a shot across the bow eight months earlier. He fired a cannonball that knocked down its own mast. She is emotionally on the spectrum. It was out of nowhere. When he kissed me, I didn't stop it. Then I kissed back, she added. I was shocked that it was a good kiss. It was out of nowhere. When he kissed me, I didn't stop it. Then I kissed back, she added. I was shocked that it was a good kiss.

It felt good and natural. Almost immediately, the friends became lovers, and within a year, she became pregnant with their first son, Sawyer, who's now nine, and the couple got married in 2012. Look, it had a happy ending. Wow. It really did. For everyone except her first husband.

Kyle, well, he changed his whole life. You don't care. And the people going to that wedding, they're like, not this again. No speeches this time. Although, when Bryant

and Desiree get married, right? Yeah. If you're the best man, do you go, I am in love with this woman. If you're a comic,

there's no way you don't. If you were at the other wedding, and you're- That's the best a comic There's no way you don't If you were at the other wedding That's the best callback That's ever been done If you're a comic And you know At the very least Half this room

Is not gonna get it Right Cause I can't imagine You don't care Still do it Cause you have to tell people Cause every friend you have Is gonna go

You made a joke That's the funniest thing You call back That's a wedding callback from another way. That's like when during the act and we love doing this so much, watching the opener and the feature act and we'll in our set call back to one of

their jokes and people are like, wait, you were watching? Yes. An intercomic callback. Bryant said, I always wanted to marry you and this isn't because of the baby, but let's start the family right Desiree gushed we were always friends

nothing more romantic than that gushing we were always friends but when we were together she's like let's try and beat the baby here nothing more romantic we were always friends but when we were together romantically

it was like nothing was hard to do anymore knowing we had each other well that is how it's supposed to be that is great and Desiree now a mother to her and bryant's four boys said that she's living the dream we love being parents is that the dream that's the dream here's the biggest cautionary tale four boys under 10 here's the biggest cautionary tale in this it's a nightmare she is 32 they got married in 2010 she was 22 20 oh it was 20 that's the biggest in 2010. She was 22. 20.

She was 20. That's the biggest. So her first wedding was. She was 20 years old. Oh, my God. That's the biggest. Hold on. Everybody hold on.

How old is Brian? Same age. They were all 20. Okay. I was like, he's now 63. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Oh, my God.

Decades of meeting women. And then I saw you. Yeah, the oldest man. Oh, God. I Decades of meeting women, and then I saw you. Yeah, the oldest man. Oh, God. I've been a third wheel for far too long. I thought you were his uncle. I didn't know why you're always around. He's like the old guy from Jaws.

He's just like whittling, and he's like, I'll date her. I'll date her. We love being parents. 20-year-old Desiree wouldn't think she could be a mom for four kids, she proclaimed. She couldn't imagine this life, but I can't imagine what it would be without it now. All right, that's it. The groom or grooming? I don't know.

That's some serious grooming from the non-groom. Big time. All right, listen. We're going to come back on the other side. We're going to tell you how you can follow Steph, see her do stuff live, all the stuff she's doing, and plus stuff for us. This is Don't Be a Cow. Don't Be a Cow.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Don't Be a Cow. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Before we get to Steph and all of her great stuff, Daniel has some live shows. Yeah, everything.

Virtual shows. Check out DanielVanCurk.com for everything there. And my live dates are going to be in July. And then season two of Physical, you can check me out. Dan's in that. I loved seeing you in the trailer. Thanks, brother. I'm also holding up Hub City Cookies over at Three Best Bakery.

It is Dan's old family recipe. Five generations of my family making these cookies. And I partnered with Three Best Bakery. What the Dan's old family recipe. Five generations of my family making these cookies. I partnered with Three Best Bakery. I'll say this. Lissa said this. I think she's 100% right. After eating that, I think this is probably the best thing to eat with a cup of coffee. Morning cookie!

When it's Christmas time in the Van Kirk's, I have to tell myself, don't start eating this until three or four because I'll eat them all day long. Three Best Bakery. you can check that out. I'm sure they're on sale. Can you get them through your website too or no? Nope. So everything's at ThreeBestBakery.com.

They keep selling out. So check out on Tuesdays. I love everybody for buying these. I genuinely think that you will love them and it means a lot to me too. I remember when I was like a teenager and I was like, mom, these cookies are so good. You should sell them. And obviously that never happened. So now to be able to actually do that, I think people will love them.

Also, on June 18th, I am hosting the Red Bull Soapbox Derby in front of 50,000 people. It is just going to be so much fun. Come, drink, party, sign up, have a soapbox, design it. Everybody at that thing, give Dan $5.

That's all I'm asking for, right? It's not hard. What's so bad about that we will be if you want to check our stuff out we have some as far as live dates go

we don't have really a lot we may be going to the Montreal Comedy Festival we'll let you guys know if we're going to do that our most of our live stuff really and touring

will pick up at the end of the summer sure but the Nosebleeds our Cheap Seats reboot is coming out on UFC Fight Pass

six episodes it is so fun and so funny we loved it Daniel worked on it it is a blast so that's coming out we're finishing that up and our Patreon

patreon.com slash thegladbrothers new episodes of cheap seats every month cheaper seats we did some great ones the world's strongest man competition for 1980 a regional spelling bee this month

it is all insane go back in the catalog regional spelling bee from Kentucky where surprisingly they had the word biblical. Yeah. And kid got it right which is weird.

So all that is going on and what else can we say? Steph, what do you have going on that people can see and check you out and follow you? Everything is at

Steph Tolev. I also have absolutely zero dates really coming up until August, September. But I will be on Netflix for the first time. I taped a special with Bill Burr. It's called Bill Burr Presents Friends Who Kill.

And it will be on Netflix on June 6th. Very excited. So you did that with Josh Edemeyer? Josh Edemeyer, Jessica Kearson, Michelle Wolfe, Ronnie Chang. Did a little sing song at the end with Jimmy Carr. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. It was really fucking cool. Holy crap, what a great killer. Were you happy with your set? I was very end with Jimmy Carr. That's awesome. Yeah, yeah. It was really fucking cool.

That's what a great killer. Were you happy with your set? I was very happy with my set. Great. Where did you record? The Hollywood Palladium. Part of the Netflix's joke festival. And I was very nervous because I've never, obviously, never been to Netflix.

And usually, I'm very dirty. So if you don't like dirty comedy, don't watch me. But I was very nervous because my agents were like, do you want to do late night stuff? And I'm like, I don't want to do five minutes clean because it's not what I do so I got to be

my filthy 5, 7 what is it how many minutes 7 minutes I love it perfect time I can't wait

I can't wait I'm so happy for you good for you and let that open the door to other things TikTok and definitely follow you on there

let's get you on. Follow my Instagram for God's sake. Yeah, get on the Instagram. At Steph Tulloff. Yeah. Okay, great. Do it. Let's jump into another story.

Ready? This was sent to him by IntoTheBlueAgain at Again Into. Into the blue of it. Stop. There you go. Don't bring that back. We made it through last summer. I'm sorry.

All right. Woman's UTI was not what ailed her. Okay. So she had a UTI. No, she thought she didn't. Oh, you thought you had a UTI. That was not what was wrong. I had a UTI once.

Yeah? Yeah. He didn't. I thought it was like this. How do you know he did? He did. Because I didn't feel it. There you go.

Folks. A woman. Very calm. Common. You should be all peeing after sex. Everybody. A woman. Very calm. Common. You should be all peeing after sex. Everybody. A woman. Or during.

A woman who doctors thought had a UTI actually had a, here we go. Here we go. A glass tumbler stuck in her bladder. Nope. Like an actual, like you're having an old fashioned with a. A rumble tumbler. A rumble tumbler. Don Draper.

Yes. And she forgot that she swallowed a full glass tumbler. Down her throat? How does that make any sense? I think it went up the other way. How? I don't know. In the pee hole?

No. What do you mean? It's not that big. Stuffing a tumbler up there. The woman had come to the hospital. Honey, where's the other tumbler? I don't know. I only see seven.

I emptied the dishwasher last night. The woman. I did slip and fall in the dishwasher. I didn't realize. The woman who had come to the hospital complaining of typical lower UTI. Yeah, I don't know what it is. I'm having a hard time peeing. Well, let's run through the typical things here.

It's a UTI. Or do you have a highball up in your cooch? Do you have any glass tumblers? Did you swallow a glass tumbler? She said she had symptoms of a UTI such as leaking, but doctors were stunned when scans revealed there was a glass inside her bladder. Oh my God. And it was encased by how many centimeters wide bladder stone?

So it had been up there long enough that it would get encased in a bladder stone, which normally, as you know, is like a small pallet or rock that creates over time. I know you know. So a bladder stone was surrounding the tumbler. Yes, because it attaches itself to the foreign object. It doesn't get processed out through the body in a normal way, which it normally does without clumping and then creating discomfort.

This was in there long enough to create this. You know what? I think I probably have with dumb people, Tom. Dan has done so many things in his life. He's like, I was a grave digger. I was a federal marshal. I worked at Marshall Fields. I worked at Marshalls.

I was a federal agent. I have a job. I have a job for you where you don't have to go to medical school. Dan should talk to the doctor and be like, hey, man, so what do you need to talk to this person? Oh, Dan is the lay term. Dan breaks it down. If you have shitty bedside manner, Dan will explain to you and make you feel good.

He comes in with some Vancouver Cove City cookies. Cove City cookies. Sets him down. Listen, so here's the deal here. You've got a tumbler up your cooch. So I just talked to your doctor. I'm going to break this all down for you. Here's the thing. We're going to be good. Rose, do you need anything? Before I. So I just talked to your doctor. I'm going to break this all down for you. Here's the thing.

We're going to be good. Rose, do you need anything? Before I get into this to your mom, what do you need? Sit down and get her something to drink. Get her something nice to chew on. All right, guys. Here's the deal. We know it's not a UTI.

We know it's not a UTI. That's the good news. That's the good news. That's the good news. The bad news is you got a glass tumbler up there. If Dan explained what was going on with the blistering on your thighs, you'd be like, you'd feel better. If he did have a bag of these and a bag of fresh dice with it,

I'd be very nervous. I'd be happy to do it. Okay. So essentially a bladder stone ends up becoming like a clay. Like it attaches itself to this foreign object. Bedside Danner. How many centimeters? There it is.

How many centimeters wide do you think the encasement was around the glass tumbler inside this woman? Steph was exactly right on the last one. I'm still having a hard time getting past why how did she forget there was a glass tumbler inside her?

Does it happen? Does that come in the story? I took stuff to the cleaners. I sat on her. Does it happen? Does that come in the story? What did I do last week? I took stuff to the cleaners. I sat on a... How many centimeters? Okay, I guess I'm going to say two and a half. Two and a half would be about like

that. How thick is it around the glass? I thought that's centimeters. Every three-ish centimeters is an inch. Is an inch. Okay, so then maybe five centimeters. Okay, five.

Jay, what do you think? Two. Two? Two and a half. Okay. One point five centimeters. It was encased by an eight centimeter wide. Oh my God.

3 inch wide kidney stone encased around a glass. This is a problem. I had an ovarian cyst when I was in grade 8, which was the size of a grapefruit. I felt that immediately. I was like, something's very wrong. I went to the hospital seven times. I'm unwell. You know there's something lurking in your body.

This is not a joke. 100%. You can gauge how a person is doing by what they are ignoring. Right. And that could be bills, relationships, things inside of them. A tumbler in your bladder. A brawn hauler, 120,000 bees. Whatever a person is ignoring is how you can judge how they're doing.

How they're doing in their life. Yeah. You just don't want to. That's what you got to do. Try to. Now, just because you couldn't ignore your sister, you probably had. I have things I'm ignoring. Some things I'm not ignoring.

I know. And the ones I'm ignoring speak to how I'm doing. Uh-huh. Body related, though. Yeah. Got to get that. That's it. Bladderstones are normally so small they are hard to see with the naked eye.

Yes. The woman revealed she had used the drinking glass as a sex toy a number of years before. No! So when it goes up and it doesn't come back down again, that's when you say we gotta do something about this. You just go, what does she think? Is this gonna disintegrate in there?

She used it as a sex toy, it goes up, and then she's like, forgot about it. What else go, what does she think is just going to disintegrate in there? She did, like, she uses sex toy, goes up, and then she's like, forgot about it. What else was I doing today? Yeah. Also, there are

so many sex toys out there. The fact that you like- For whatever you need. Everything. Whatever. Different shapes, sizes. Tumblr is not one of them.

A lot of weird shapes. Tumblr is not one of them. Things that flare out so they don't go too far the wrong direction. Oh yeah, there's usually like suction cups to keep them out. they don't go too far in the wrong direction. Oh, yeah. They usually have like suction cups

to keep them out. I don't know what... Evidently, she had inserted it into her urethra. Oh, boy. No. Rather than...

No, no, no. No, no, no, no, no. Stop, stop, stop, stop. So this is like a form of sounding. As a woman with a urethra. I know. Me too.

As a woman that has... You guys have bigger urethras. I will say men have bigger because of the pee holes and dicks and pees. I know. Me too. As a woman that has it. You guys have bigger urethras. I will say men have bigger because of the pee holes. Sounding. Sounding. Very small pee hole. Right.

I'm very upset with this woman. This is very hard to do. Steph, all things are possible through the Lord. I'm going to say I hate this woman. So I'm going to say the tumbler wasn't the first thing

that went up there. No. Other things went up to get it. No. Yeah, you don't. This woman's peeing non-stop. There's no way her urethra has closed back up. There's just piss coming out all the time.

All the time. There's no way. Her case was published in a medical journal. She has a full setting of flatware up there. She goes to a tapware party. Oh, I brought my flatware. I got it. Hang on. Her case was published in a medical journal. I'm going to take these fajitas off. Does anybody want a picture?

We'll get you a box. No, it's okay. But I'm good. She's at a restaurant. I bring my own takeout containers. I don't want to waste. Full thing of Tupperware. Where's your purse, ma'am?

Well. I got a doggy bag. Sorry, doggy style bag. It's coming out. It's coming. Along with the story being published in the medical journal was an astonishing scan and an image of the glass and bladder stone. I'm going to show you guys. No.

It's outside of her. It's outside now. Yeah. Oh, my God. No, I hate this woman. I hate her. No, she's a stupid person. They should have left it inside her at this point.

Look at that. That's a stupid person. They should have left it inside her at this point. Look at that. No, that's the kidney stone. By the way, that is not just... So we have glasses that I give for dinner. It does kind of look like an orange juice glass. No, this looks like a glass. It's bigger than you get where you get like a Dr. Pepper at a Pizza Hut. The big red?

And guess where she puts that when she's done with it? Right up there. After a little league game. After a little league game. While the medical report does not mention the woman may have been practicing what's known as urethral sounding. That's what I've been saying. The risky activity involves inserting glass or an object into the urethra to heighten pleasure or arousal. Doctors have had reports of people deliberately placing things in there, but it is not recommended.

No. Oh, really? Yeah, no, no, it's not a good idea. Oh, okay, well then I'm not going to do what I was going to do with this Starbirds mug. Listen. It's got a handle. It's got a handle. Give me the cookies.

Only things. Family recipe. Oh, yeah. Oh, they do taste good. I can taste the love that your mother gave to you. So I'd say to this woman, so you just drive up one-way streets. Is that what you do? You pay no attention to the fact that all the traffic is coming at you.

Various objects have been inserted into the bladder, and many patients fail to remove them themselves and are very embarrassed to seek medical advice, which is the origin of a clinical picture, which is most often atypical, which occurs with a patient or particular terrain. They lost me halfway through this.

The patient arrived at the emergency room complaining of UTI. She reported that she had suffered from inflammation of the bladder several times, but it had never been investigated. The woman didn't have any blood or urine. Can you think of anything that might be causing this? Nothing.

Nothing at all in your life. She also wasn't suffering from incontinence, but she did have a higher than normal red blood cell range, indicating the body was fighting an infection. Yeah, because you have a foreign object in there. The fact that she still played competitive volleyball is just unbelievable to me.

Makes her a true hero. A true hero step. In this case, doctors... She became more of a setter, though. Doctors performed surgery to remove the bladder stone because at that point, that's what it is. It's that surgery, yeah. It's covering the whole...

And then out of that... They cracked it open to expose the still intact glass. Well, that feels like you went. Can I get that back? Actually, that was part of my set. Which she just literally takes and starts to stuff it back up. No! God damn it!

We just did this. Ma'am. Can I keep that? No. Ma'am. I'm just Going to put it up here No Ma'am

Stop it Why is this the only Place to put it I'm just going to Put my phone No I'm fucking upset I'm mad at her too

I'm mad at her too The glass Had been in her body For how long Oh my god This is She said a long time ago You can can go last if you want, Steph. You don't have to go first.

Unless you want to go first. You can't. I'm going to say seven years. Okay. Seven years. Seven years is bad luck if it's up there, though. I'm going to say eight years. Eight years.

I'm going to say 13 years. 13 years. They cracked it open to expose the still intact glass which had been in her body for four years wow you got it you got it

two days later the woman had recovered and was well enough to go home four more years four more years four more years alright

this is a bad woman this is a bad woman alright give us a little taste of what we're gonna get in the third segment it's a Craigslist post Craigslist post I love it

and for our Patreon fans we'll get a dumb story from Steph something dumb all of that on the other side of the break it's Dumb People Town

with Steph Tullov we're so happy she's here we'll be right back stick around make us down for more Dumb People Town

alright Daniel take us home are you ready? Yes. This is a post that was sent in to us. It's not even a story. But it's one of those things that if you were doing a fun show or a fun room, like Hot Tub, some show that you trusted,

and I handed you this right before, you're like, I'm just going to talk about this. I'm at least going to open talking about this. Let's hear it. Here we go. It was sent in by Kate Newins, at Kate Newins, who, by the way, has been a townie and even before that, a county member from the jump.

From the beginning. I remember Kate being a very early contributor. So this is a Craigslist ad sent in. Here's the headline. Okay. Or the subject of the Craigslist ad? Sure. Seeking female who wants to see Morbius in IMAX.

Already. Already. Already you're only talking to like ninebius in IMAX. Already. Already you're only talking to like nine people now. You really funneled that down to very little. You're talking to 12 people. For everybody else to know, Morbius is widely regarded as being a shit terrible movie. Terrible movie. Yes.

It became a meme, like a talking meme. What are you doing tonight other than going to see Morbius? Morbius? Yeah. Well, Morbius is like the moment everyone's like, I think we're giving Jared Leto a little too much rope. Here it is. This is one quick paragraph.

Hello. May I introduce myself? My name is Liam, but you can call me Severin, which is Harry Potter, right? Sure. Yeah, okay. Slytherin. Slytherin.

But Severin feels close enough. He's definitely into Magic the Gathering. And not in a cool way. No. Severin sounds like the version of Excedrin that they take in Harry Potter school. Yes. Give me two Severin. I've got a really bad head.

Give him the Severin. Severus. Harry, give Harry the Severin. A little bit more about me. I have diverse interests and don't live a stereotype life. Stereotype in quotes. Stereotypical. Ready?

Wait, so you do live a stereotype life? I'm going to read this all together because it feels so much more aggressive when you do it back to back. I am Liam, but you can call me Severin. A little bit more about me. I have diverse interests and don't live a stereotype life. Do I have your attention now? Oh, God. This is our bit. This is our bit. We saw on a bus

bench. Does bus advertising work? It just did. Yeah, bitch. You got benched. The other one is, if you can see this billboard space soaking all your customers, which is also good. Do I have your attention now? I have two tickets to see Morbius in IMAX at 9.15 at Veranda Lux Cinema

My previous engagement dropped out at the last minute Grr But But Yeah, grr was written In parentheses I also need a ride to the airport for the next six years I feel like it's coming next year

But If thou wouldst like to see it. Oh, we went to that language. Okay. If thou wouldst. And send. Not stereotypical. Here we go.

Turn thine eyes off. There's a lot of good people who love what we do in the shadows, and there's a lot of bad people who love what we do in the shadows. But if thou wouldst like to see it with me, how excited is this guy for the interview of the vampire series? I love what we do in the shadows. But if thou wouldst like to see it with me, reply. How excited is this guy for the interview of the Vampire series on AMC? Did he stop then after that with the reply? Reply it? No.

But if thou wouldst like to see it with me, please reply to this ad. Finally, I didn't say that It just goes into this No thick girls And no one taller than 5'6 need apply Easy When you drop a wood style You don't get to pick anymore

He started with a do I have your attention He's on Craigslist He gets whatever the fuck he gets You get what you get You get what you get and you don't get upset, Morbius. If you're sweating an extra ticket for $15, you've already told me everything I need to know about you. You have no friends. No thick girls and no one taller than 5'6 need reply.

Oh my God. No men, obviously, you will not get a response. What? Obviously. Let's not waste our time. I'm waiting. You have my attention. Is this Jared Leto?

I swear to God I'm waiting. I wish this was out today. I would reply to this man. I'd go and ruin his whole day. I would ruin his life. I would want you to take him and put him on the top of a fence and just leave him up there. Is this thick enough for you? Bro, I'm 5'5 1⁄2".

I'm sick of this. I'm sick of this guy. If I gave you this five minutes before you go on stage, you're like, can I read this and just talk about this? Here we go. And you'd also be like, Joel, Mandy, can I do 20? I have to do an extra. Oh, my God.

That is hilarious. Let's not waste our time. I'm waiting. And I bet there's someone who's like, I God. That is hilarious. Let's not waste our time. I'm waiting. And I bet there's someone who's like, I just like him. He knows what he wants. No, there's definitely no. There's nobody who likes him. I don't like him. There's absolutely not.

I don't like it. I don't like it. There you go. There you go. There it is. That is the show. DanielVanKirk.com is where you go to find out all the digital shit. Steph Tola, follow her on Instagram.

Please. Follow her on all sorts of things. Watch her on Netflix this summer. Oh, my God, June 6th. I'm so excited. I'm so proud of you and our buddy Josh Anamires and everybody who did that show. You're such great comedians, Jessica. Jessica Kirsten.

Great, great, great. Love it. We love you guys. And oh, shit, we've dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb