Dumb People Town - Steph Tolev - Knight Scope

Episode Date: May 9, 2023

Steph Tolev (Steph Infection on ATC) joins us as Daniel describes a man who got his grocery rewards card tattooed on him, Jason tells us about a woman who was told by a police robot to go away as the robot sang a song, and Randy warns against shoplifting crossbows, and so much more! Thanks to our sponsors: Make the switch to raw today. Right now, Maev is offering $40 off your first order at meetmaev.com/DPT. Visit BetterHelp.com/DPT today to get 10% off your first month.

Dan and Ren and Jay will share tales of folks so unaware they lack in grace and sometimes choose the life they choose. We'll make the news, breaking down each epic fail. In Florida, there's half-price bail. I'm happy to say they couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam With co-host Armand Dan And heard, don't be a jerk Cause when the music, where's the funny hits We are gonna take you down Stick around, make a sound Hunger Down is Dump People Town

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That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash D-P-T. Great. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population U.

Population Tolev. Steph Tolev III. Welcome to the show. How are you? Good. I'm glad I chimed in with the town. Oh, I love it.

I tried to zing it over. You all pointed at me. That's why we're here. You're a gamer. You're a gamer. You're ready for it. You are so much fun. We had you on this show before.

We had to have you back on this show. You're now part of the All Things Comedy family. Yes. It is a great podcast. You are a phenomenal follow on TikTok and on Instagram. We'll tell everyone how to do that. We'll do all that later. We got dumb to deal with stuff.

There's dumb stuff happening in the world. Daniel has a story. You can send them to us just at Daniel Van Kirk at Sklar Brothers. Hashtag dumb people town. We'll know when, who sent it, when, and we get it in the order. Do you need help breathing, Randy? You seem like you're out of breath. I thought it was suddenly.

Randy took the one breath challenge. Okay, here we go. Can't help breathing, Randy? You seem like you're out of breath. I thought that was like a... And then it was suddenly... Randy took the one breath challenge. Okay, here we go. Sent to my Carleen McDermott at SheBeCarleen. Wonderful. This comes to us from the Daily Record. Oh, the Daily Record. I get that every week.

Not daily. I weekly get the Daily Record. This is just a dumb fun thing that I love. Tesco shopper gets club card tattooed on arm. So he never misses supermarket deals. So when you go to Ralph's, you go like, where's my card to get the discount? He just now, like a Holocaust survivor, points to his inner arm and goes, guys, I went. There's a Whole Foods nearby my house. Not a bragging, but they have like a, I was in line and they're like.

To love is like settle down. I know. Steph. On the thing, they're like, if you show your, you can do it where you're the palm of your hand can be your payment. There's like, I don't need Whole Foods knowing like what my palm print is. So I was like, I'm like, what if I whole foods knowing like what my palm print is so i was like i'm in a murder and then blame it on me i'm like what if i'm walking and i don't my wallet and i'm amy's like can you go pick something up and i can just go in there and show my palm and do it yeah so i

did it and then like the next three days my bank basically called me because i used my bank card and i called me they're like what what are you doing what are you doing i'm like it's whole foods they wouldn't do anything oh really like they admonished me like i was a bet like they're my grandmother what are you doing like based on what jay just said they went after me well this guy got his savers card tattooed onto his arm a scaffolder what is that is that his job something construction he makes the scaffolding outside of it he's like i don't do do the project. I allow you to stand. I'm a scaffolder. Big into scaffolding.

Yeah. I can bring you to the point when you're about to come, but then like I leave. I scaffold. I scaffold. He has a podcast called Scaff Infection. Yeah. Scaffolder.

We set up the podcast, but then we allow someone else to come do it. Yes, yes, yes, yes. He had his Tesco club card permanently tattooed onto his arm That's how they work Because he kept forgetting to take it with him When he visited the supermarket Dean Mayhew Said he thought about the tattoo

I feel like there should be a la in the middle of that Dean Mayhew Dean Mayhew said he thought about the tattoo For several months before deciding to go under the needle. Clearly told no one about it. It sounds like it was surgically planted in his skin under the needle.

He said he had to put it into his dick. He has to get erect in order to know the number, but never told his girlfriend. That's up to the counter person. Easy at Tesco. I mean, there's a lot of stuff that can get you excited at Tesco. Have you been around the melons uh he said he thought about it for several months before deciding to go under the needle he said despite shopping in tesco up to three times a day that's a lot that's too many times right three times i mean are you forgetful

he regularly found himself having to pay more because he forgot his loyalty card so he got the qr code for his card tattooed onto his right forearm and it works perfectly under the scanner at the till two weeks later the tesco closed we actually don't do that we don't honor those cards anymore now he gets club card points and gets discounts on groceries every time he shops you mean just like if he had his car with him? Yes. They just scan my forearm. And he literally can't forget to bring it with him. I just want us to start painting the picture of this guy. How old do

you think Dean LeMayu is? I'm going to say early 40s. Hot or not hot? Disgusting. Scaffolding? Covered in open sores. He's cut open. I'm going to say 43.

I'm going to say 36. I'm going to say 24. Dean Mayhew is 30 years old. Oh my god. He looks way older than 30. He's a pretty good looking guy. He told me he was the prime minister.

You know what i'd fuck him he's actually not and you know what all right i would too i would too um he also his shirt says af scaffolding limited so he's a brand man he's a scaffolding af wow dean said uh people just say that it's typical me sometimes i'm not you know what that means that means he's fine sleeping on a floor yeah yeah he's always i'll take the floor that is a hundred who's gonna finish we're gonna do a little improv scene of his two uncles who haven't seen him for a while okay on the phone call okay okay has dean ever gotten over that head injury well no did you hear what he did last week no what else what happened? Well, it's typical Dean.

He got a tattoo on his arm. Oh, yeah. Someone should have had that head injury looked at. Typical Dean. Like, he had a brain event. He fell off some scaffolding. Well, here's the thing. If he has, he looks at his other bad tattoos. Once you get one bad tattoo, which I know about wildly.

I have a deer on my foot. No reason. Once you get one bad, it makes no sense. Whole foot is a deer. No reason. Whole foot is a deer? It's unnecessary. Can you show us? No, don't show because then you're going to end up on WikiFeet. I'm already on WikiFeet. You are? What's your rating?

Bad. It was at bad and went to okay. Way to go. We're about to bump it up. I want to show Dean. Oh my God. What did you Oh my god What are you doing

I don't know I have a full deer Why It's like Were you drunk It was huge I thought it was going to be tiny Now it's big

It's huge What number tattoo Did it grow That was My foot My one foot got a lot bigger This is I think This was number 10

Okay number 10 Okay Do you like the feeling I am Dean You are Dean We are all Dean Do you like the feeling of i am dean yeah you are we are we are like the feeling of getting the tattoo do you like the pain no you're just this is something you you put up with you just like it afterwards yeah okay it's here for the art oh by the way how in the world did you walk in shoes post that tattoo i just i had an open tell you

and like limped everywhere from yeah for. I bawled my eyes out. Dean said, this is his full quote. People just say it's typical me. Sometimes I'm not the cleverest of guys, but they've said that for me. It's pretty genius. What? Okay. Translation, brain injury.

You guys, I haven't even gotten. Falling on his head. I haven't even gotten to the crazy. This is all one quote. Oh, he's still going. He's still going. He's still going. You let Dean start to talk. He's on a roll.

He's got to jump in there. The show's going to come to a stop. People just say it's typical me. Sometimes I'm not the cleverest of guys, but they said that for me, it's pretty genius. I've got seven kids. What? No. I've got seven kids, and I'm in there all the time, probably three times a day, I'd say.

What? This dude is 30 years old. Wait, wait, wait. When he says in there all the time, he's talking about his wife's vagina. That's what Tesla is. I'm in there all the time. He's staying in there too long.

How do you get seven kids? You're in there all the time. Oh, my God. In and out. Seven kids. Seven kids. Seven kids. At 30.

This guy, he's never pulled out of anything in his life. No, no, no. Okay. Especially his card. That's why. That's the one thing he never pulled out. Quote, I've been thinking of getting the tattoo for the last three to four months. Every time I go in there, they ask if I got my club card.

By the way, I've been thinking about getting a tattoo for three to four months. Doesn't seem long enough for you to be thinking about getting a tattoo. A year is what they say. A year. I've been thinking about this one for a year. Every time I go in there, they ask if I got my club card. I say it's always at home or I've lost it. No shit.

You have seven kids. The fact that you know where your keys are. But what about your phone number? We use phone numbers here. If we forget our card, our phone number still works. Yeah, you can still use the phone. I forgot that too. So maybe this is a fault of the system.

Yeah. Yeah, you can still use the phone. I forgot that. So maybe this is a fault of the system. This could have all been taken care of if Tesco would have done a better job of understanding that people are going to forget their cards. Dean, from Horsham, Sussex, spent half an hour getting the tattoo earlier this month. He and his tattoo artist, Dan Rossetter. So he's got a tattoo artist.

He's got a guy. He's 39. And he introduces him. I don't know. I'm just grading scale. He's my tattoo artist. Right. His tattoo artist Dan then visited the local Tesco Express to find out how it worked. I tried the self-checkout,

but it was quite awkward to use because it wasn't doing it. So I had to go to the guy on the till. I went up there and it worked. So now that means also he can no longer self-checkout. Right. So he's like, I went to self-checkout. And you know, he was like, okay, he told everyone around, watch this.

Watch me. So here's him getting scanned. So he now can no longer do self-checkout if he wants to. Dan, who's taking that picture? Probably Dan Ross. Someone else tattooed that. His tattoo artist. His tattoo artist. Dan Ross. No, someone else tattooed that. Probably his tattoo artist. His tattoo artist?

Dan Ross. Let me take this. He couldn't believe it. Every time I go in there, they're shocked, and it's good to see people's faces. You could put that into any story. It has nothing to do with this. That might have just gotten in from a different story. It's good to see people's faces.

I could use the one on my phone. Okay. All right. No, no, no, no. So he's had one on my phone. Okay. All right. No, no, no, no. So he's had one on his phone. The whole time. This guy's a fucking idiot. I take it back saying I'd fuck him.

I hate him. I'd hate fuck him. I'd hate fuck him and slam his head even harder. So maybe he'd rewire. That's typical Dean. Typical Dean. Typical Dean. I mean, this is what we've come to expect from Dean.

That's typical Dean. It was a sitcom that ran from 1991 to 1991. That's just Dean. I bet you Dean, and I swear to God, couldn't tell you the chronological ages of his kids. No. I bet there's no way he could be like, this is this one and this is the other one.

He got it tattooed. No, there's no way. It's all scattered on his phone. I couldn't believe it. Every time I go in there shocked, it's good to see people's faces. I could use the one on my phone, but I want to use the one on my arm as it's funny.

Anything you can do with a normal club card, I can do with my arm. Okay. Except put it in your wallet. Or put it away ever. It's constantly out there. Or impress an older person or land a job at interviewing short sleeves. It gets even dumber. The tattoo is still in the healing

process and at the moment is still scabby i don't know if it will still work when it's healed but i don't see why it would oh my god it might not even work he's on a maybe this will work basis because those are thin lines too unless you got a big what's the sizing you're ready uh it's i'll show you another pic of it he goes i gotta read this other quote damn i don't regret stuff i'm not one of those people no shit clearly you've got seven kids i don't think it looks bad i think it looks pretty cool looked it's still there it's like don't talk about it in the past and then pretty cool is not selling me that's not hard enough i don't think it looks bad i think it looks j. I think it looks pretty cool.

Yeah. Jay went to Machu Picchu. I went to Machu Picchu, and my gag was to be like a Southern American who's kind of impressed by this thing, but not, but loudly over other people's videos. I mean, it's pretty good. I don't know. It ain't straight. It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

What do you think? I think it's pretty good. How's that tattoo't straight. It's pretty good. I've seen that. It's pretty good. What do you think? I think it's pretty good. How's that tattoo, Dean? It's pretty cool. Literally ruining every other person's pristine video. Honey, you think it's pretty good? It's pretty good. It's pretty good.

I'm not saying I don't like it. I just think it's pretty good. Tattoo artist Dan, who I don't know why they're still in this story, said, I've been tattooing for 12 years, so I've seen seen a lot but i've never seen a tesco club card as an idea before this is not that original people do barcodes yeah sure it's not an idea at first the tesco card isn't an idea this is a god it's not like he came up with a creative he didn't have a creative inspiration i'm like tesco didn't have cards and he's like i'm gonna now give you the idea for a card to swipe if Tesco said hey

If you get a Tesco tattoo you get a free loaf of bread every week for the rest of your life Remember UCB used to have the UCB tattoo if you had a UCB tattoo the logo with the eyes and stuff you got into every Show for but it had to be across your forehead Also be in front of a swastika But it covered the swastika they got a lot of neo-nazis you saw the tips of all the swastika arms but it was covered could have been a wheel uh he said i'm doing this 12 years never seen this idea before at first they said are you sure you want to do this but i saw the fun within it and thought let's do it okay dan i was anxious about how well it's kind of claiming

like he could have stopped it at some point yeah i was anxious about how well it was likely to work as it's an intricate barcode but dean was quite relaxed about it and was going for the fun aspect he said if it didn't work it wasn't the end of the world yeah dean go watch your kids and go remember where your car throw your card in the car yeah Yeah. They don't have the thing like Ralph says, the key chain thing too. Yes. It's on his phone. No, that's good. It's on his phone.

It's on his gadget. It's on his phone. It's on his phone. I did the tattoo and we decided to pop into the Tesco down the road. We went to the self-service checkout, but because we already know this story. We literally already covered this once. Dan's telling us again. No, stop.

Because the way the scanner is situated, he couldn't get his arm flat enough, and we thought it didn't work. And then we went to the till, and a person with a scanner tried to lift it out and make it first. This is weird. And go, it worked. Whatever.

Dean's face lit up, and I realized he was drunk. I'm joking. Dean's face lit up. Dean's face lit up, and I realized it did work. So here, they're just going around. Tesco's like, sir, I need to get back to work Tesco doesn't care that guy is so unimpressed With him has no interest in me So that's what you're looking at

QR code on the under part of your forehead You're welcome to the club stamp That guy just had his hair relaxed I didn't know people could be like that Look at Dean's left arm He's just trying to flex so hard. Oh, of course he is. Dean would dare just to flex.

Come on, Dean. We're back to Dean talking again. I think this is almost like an oral history. I think so long. How many times do you want to just be like, I think I'm dead. There were less words written about like the war in Ukraine. And this guy's arm whatever this comes

out uh quote i think i'm always quite quite a fun outgoing type of guy no one said you weren't so it was a no one doubt and this doesn't make you more this doesn't prove that no so it was a so it was a bit of banter and there is this element of it being a genius idea it's not a genius idea you don't get to call it genius. It's not something I would have come up with. She said it's a right. Yes. It's like he LOL'd his own joke. He's a loser.

You can't laugh out loud at your own joke. Someone else can LOL your joke. Someone else can be like, that's genius. Someone else can be like, that's genius. Two artists can be like, it's genius.

He didn't say it was genius. It's not something I would have come up with off the top of my head. To be honest, I thought it was quite cool. Dean also admitted that he has considered getting a nectar card from when he stops Sainsbury's. I don't know what that is. Because he often forgets that, too.

I did think about getting another one, but that's a whole other thing. It's another tattoo, Dean. Why is it a whole other thing? Yeah, at this point. Put it right next to that one. Yeah, you're more on that. This is when the reporter lets Dean talk too much. I quite often go between Sainsbury's and tesco's who cares i forget

that card too i'd get a nectar card tattooed on me i'd probably get it on the same arm just above the tesco one really i've already got one so why not the other there's a girl who's seven and she smokes yeah and a bird had wings but the bird couldn't fly scaffolding in the back of his head lodge that no one's taken out? There's no way you can talk to him about it. So now are you convinced that he's had a brain incident? Yes, I do. He keeps talking.

I've had a few people suggest the Sainsbury one. When I posted it on Facebook, no shit. You're making him Canadian? I would be doing next or next. And I thought that was a good idea I'm I'm reading someone's what I did over summer report

and then we found a turtle I did try my mom said I could keep it and then I took it to my kids and then we put it in our friends hot tub and he died and here's what each of them said about it and then my dad left for a while and he told me the turtle thing was not the reason he was leaving. All right.

Dean. Dean. That he still loves me even though he's not going to see me for a long time. I did try and have a look on the internet and I reckon I'm the only person. Well, it sounds like you covered it, Dean. Yep. We'll get out of here. I tried to find someone else with them and no one else has got them.

I'd be the only person with both. Great. No, you're the only person with seven kids. Yeah. You're already unique. You're the only person I've ever known who's called himself a scaffolder. He's also still talking to the reporter, and he's not there. No.

Yeah, the reporter's gone. He's been gone. He's still doing the interview. He just left a recorder, and that was it. Oh, my God. There you go. Story number one, down the books. Story number one.

When we come back, we'll let you know how you can see Steph Tola. You can see her, follow her, and all of that great stuff, and stuff we have going on it's dumb people town don't go anywhere hey guys welcome back to the show before we get into story number two and before we tell you how you can follow steph tolov we're going to give you a little information on us uh we are going to continue to mention this until it happens we are going to be in phoenix at stand up live it is an enormous club it is wonderful it's the last weekend of March into April 1st. April Fool's Day will be there live. Jeffrey Baldinger will be featuring for us.

It's March 30th, 31st, and April 1st. I love that club. I love Phoenix. We always have great audiences. Let's sell these bad boys. Let's fill it out with dumb people townies. Fill it out with DPT fans. We'd love it.

Come see us there. We'll be in Austin at Moon Tower Comedy Festival. are you doing moon tower no i'm doing south by southwest good for you so that's a fun one sure it's south by southwest but we'll be at moon tower and then in may we'll be third weekend in may we'll be in uh minneapolis at the acme comedy company been a while and then in the fall we have a couple dates we'll be in ann arbor springfield missouri and then we're kind of building up the rest of those dates we'll let you know uh when all that stuff's happening if we're doing another season of the nosebleeds all that stuff just keep tuning into this also join our patreons we have one for dumb people town and one for sklod brothers where we do um that's a great way

to support great way to support us exactly daniel what do you have going on i have uh i'll be at moon tower with you guys obviously we we're doing WLT, but then I'm doing a whole bunch of standup shows and Living Wake. The week before that, I'll be in Houston for Would You Rather Comedy Show. People come out to that show. It's really, really fun.

You're just going to stay in Texas? And then, I don't know, man. You might. Yeah. And then the weekend after, the last weekend in April, I'll be headlining in Denver with the Grawlix boys. Everything is at danielvankirk.com.

All right, Steph Tolev, a phenomenal follow on TikTok. I'm going to say it right now. Your thing about, what was it like, the Vancouver person who's like, look at the mountains. It's so accurate. Look at those mountains. The amount of people that actually like, I got in a cab that day and he's like,

the mountains are great today. And I was like, I'm not, you can't make a shit up. Stop telling me the mountains are great. So I laugh at everything you I'm not, you can't make a show. Stop telling me. So I laugh at everything you post on there. And so everyone just do a quick immediate follow up. Great stand up on there. Great characters and stuff. You've really, you've really, in my opinion, I feel like you and Adam Ray have both like figured it out how to do great

content, put lots of different things up there on the reg. I love it. So it's just a nightmare, but thank you. Add Steph Tollef. Do you have shows coming up? When does this come out? Probably in the middle of March. Okay. Yeah, we South-West March

10th to 12th. Then I'll be in Birmingham, Alabama March 17th, 18th. Then I will be in Kansas City the weekend after that, whatever those dates are. Yeah, 24th. Yeah, and then I'm in Kansas city the weekend after that, whatever those dates are. Um, yeah. And then I'm in Houston,

the riot fest somewhere in there as well. I'm on the road every weekend in March. So if you like me, then you can find me. Uh, you can find her, find her steph tolov.com. Is that just go to my, my Instagram and then my link tweets all in there.

I don't fucking know. I love it. I love it. All right. Well, please go see her live. She's so much fun. Dirty AF. Oh yeah. It ain't clean. It go see her live. She's so much fun. Dirty AF.

Oh, yeah. It ain't clean. It ain't clean. Don't bring Nana and Peepaw. No, no, no. Don't bring Meemaw and Peepaw to this one because there's going to be lots of other people. Unless you want to see Peepaw pee-pee on Nana. We'll talk about that later.

If they're swingers. It is right, man. If they're down for it, then bring them. Yes. Jay, you got a story. I do. This is sent in by Tim Clinesmith at Attacking Windmills. Attacking Windmills, I think. Either way.

Police robot told woman to go away after she tried to report a crime, then sang a song. So the robot sang a song. I don't think the woman tried to report a crime, then sang a song. Get the fuck away from me, get the fuck sang a song. Get the fuck away from me. Get the fuck away from me. Get the fuck away from me, you crazy bitch. Not a bad song. You guys knew that already.

I guessed it. Here's what's crazy to me is that, so the robot, we're all worried about AI. I do actually think about it. I do, there are moments where my wife is nice to Alexa because she's like, when the robots come, you better be nice to Alexa. Thank you so much, Alexa.

Set a timer for five minutes. Thank you so much. And I hope you're having a good day today. I'm like, you don't need to add that. That's crazy. That's too much. It's like, honey, you're adding that to it. You don't need to add that.

It doesn't know. What's going on with you? Stop saying what's going on with you, Alexa. Kogo Gwabara sounds like a wrestler who had like two parrots on his shoulder. Came into the ring with two. Kogo Guevara. And they would break both their necks when we walked up. MMA fighter. Golfer

from the late 80s. Kogo Guevara maybe like started the revolution in Cuba. Maybe. Or is a koala bear. It's just a koala bear. Kogo Guevara found a mate. Did you hear that? At the San Diego Zoo. Kogo Gobera gave all the zookeepers syphilis. I can't believe that.

You don't touch it. And that's so weird. Don't touch the open syphilis. Because they carry chlamydia, not syphilis. It's the one, Kogo Gobera, groundbreaking with the syphilis. Groundbreaking with the syphilis. No, it could be syphilis. I think it's chlamydia.

I think it's the clap. I think it's the clap. It could be syphilis. I think it's the clap. I think it's the clap. So Kogo Gobera rushed over to the motorized police officer and pushed its emergency alert button on seeing the brawl break out in Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles last month. So, by the way, this is where the story starts. So let's just.

What? Who? Who? Why? Salt Lake Park, Los Angeles. That's not real. We all live here. We've never heard of this. Also, good on her for trying to stop something and going to an authority. Would you even know what that thing was to go push a button and say something?

No, I'm picturing the robot from... RoboCop? No, no, no. Sword Circuit? Yes. Johnny No. 5? No, what's the cartoon? Oh, WALL-E.

No, my God. It's like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon. Sounds like. It's a woman cartoon. Oh, from the Jetsons? Yes, that's what I'm picturing. The Jetsons robot. Just going around the park.

Iona? Yeah, what is it? She's basically like a French maid. A French maid. Sexy, like, sexy. An upside-down trash can. Yes, that's what I'm picturing. Wait, but so. Wait, wait, wait. sexy, an upside-down trash can. Yes, that's what I'm picturing.

Wait, but so... Wait, wait, wait. Aaron, what was it? Rosie. Rosie. Goddamn. Thank you, Aaron. Rosie the Rivet.

But instead of offering assistance, the egg-shaped robot, is that derogatory? Do we need to... No, it's true. So they have these at Kaiser.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. They, like, go around the hospital. Dan, how big is it? They're pretty tall. Oh, really? I'd say about rockets or do we need to know it's true so they have these at uh kaiser yeah yeah they like go around and how big is it how they're pretty tall i'd say about five and a half feet tall you've had your own fair share of egg-shaped robots in your life hey no so do you know that my 14 year old son what he likes to do with his skateboarding friends is get in front of those robot food delivery things. The little delivery guys? The little wallies?

Yes. And try to knock them off track. Oh, don't do that. That's what a 14-year-old boy is going to do. That's true. That's what I mean. Those are put out there for 14-year-old boys to hug. Yes, they really are.

Like they're asking to be pushed over. Whose official name is HP RoboCop. That's the official name? Oh, okay. HP Sauce? HP Sauce. Have you ever had name? Oh, okay. Has it had HP sauce? HP sauce. Has it had it? It's good sauce.

Barked? HP sauce. It's like a barbecue. It's a British sauce. Okay. Barked? Yeah, at Tesco. Thank you.

At Tesco? If I only had my card. If I only had my tattoo. My Holocaust Tesco card tattoo. Or my phone. Barked at Gueberra to, quote, step out of the way. Oh, okay. What?

The egg barked? I would pay to watch an egg bark. To add insult to injury, the high-tech device then rolled away while humming an intergalactic tune, pausing periodically to say, please keep the park clean. Wow. That is some shit. Wait, was it intergalactic, intergalactic? Intergalactic,'s wow shit meanwhile intergalactic intergalactic but this is all happening while like a fight's going down right yeah fight is going on so

basically the egg-shaped cop is at times acting like regular cops so this is have you guys ever had to hit one of those like uh like safety boxes or like on a subway train. I did in the subway. Let's talk right. LA subway. You had to? Yeah. A man punched a woman in the face. Oh yeah.

Homeless. And I went over and I was like, Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God. And she's bleeding. The guy ran off and I was like slamming the thing. Two cops would come down.

And then the woman started saying horrendous things to the cops and they didn't want to help her. And I was like, well, stop yelling that word. Stop yelling. Stop. You're yelling some bad words.

Stop with those, with those, the N word. Like you got to stop with that. I Stop yelling. Stop. You're yelling some bad words. Stop with those. With those. The N word. Right. You got to stop with that. I'm trying to help you here. We're all helping. And you were still trying to help out.

She was bleeding bad. And then she just left. She called me the N word and left. I was like, well. Was there a party? I was like. Was there a party? It's like, I wonder if she called him the N word.

Yeah, yeah. She could have. And then he was like, you earned it. You're like, I didn't see the beginning of that. Whatever. Nobody should hit anybody in the face ever. But you had to do the whole. I did the thing a hundred times.

I was screaming. This person thinks they're good. I was yelling help. Yeah, this goes over to the egg and it's like, let's go. Listen, this is her quote. It just kept ringing and ringing and I kept pushing and pushing. Sounds like. This is like when you lose your ticket coming out of a parking garage.

Most marriages. That's true too, yeah. Just keep pushing and pushing and he's not responding all right uh so does he's dead that's all dean does wake up he's pushing and pushing and then nine months later another kid comes out all right the concerned bystander thought the i told you how tall it was didn't i no i guessed around like six feet uh do you want to guess uh i'll say four good yeah i just say three feet four and a half feet get your answers in shout it at your ham radios these robots these egg-shaped robots robocop uh is five feet tall that's right you're right five foot tall robot

might have needed to see her face before it began to work oh so now we're gonna make excuses for the robot oh it didn't see her face. Sorry. Sorry. New egg. Who dis? You can't start doing. My egg. My egg. My officer egg got hacked.

Yeah. So she crouched down in front of its camera. But the egg shaped device still didn't work. Forcing Gueberra to call 911 on her phone instead. She could have called. Forcing. Could have called the whole time. She could have been on hold with 911 while punching this egg. second story where the answer to the problem is right on your phone

on your phone that's it this is the whole theme of the show officers from the huntington park police department cops finally arrived how many minutes later how long did it take for the cops to come after of course the fight had ended an An hour, I would say. 60 minutes? I'm going to go 10. 10 minutes? Yeah. 18 minutes. Get your answers in. You say an hour.

15 minutes later. 15 minutes later, the cops showed up. It left one woman with a bad head wound. She was in the fight. Which saw her stretch her an ambulance to take the house. It was like a brawl. Yeah, it was a brawl. A full-on brawl. Local police chief Cosme Lozano.

Cosme Lozano, if Lozano if you told me that is your favorite dish at like Bucca di Beppo or Bessia or Mozza or it's the name of your character on the Mandalorian that's right have you tried the Cosme Lozano his nose is an oboe you can get a vegetarian

Cosme Lozano too takes longer you can do it with Impossible Me? No, it's not Impossible Me. They make their own. It's very possible. Okay, fine. It says that the robots,

which cost between what and what a year to lease. So you don't even own them. The cops don't even own these things. Let's split the difference. What Salt Lake Park does? Let's split the difference. Okay. So if it's $3,000 and $5,000,

the answer would be $4,000. So it's smack dab in the middle. How much does it cost to lease these a year this is what where our police dollars are going towards robots that don't work robots that don't pay attention or that ignore you and then mock you i'm gonna split between ten and fifteen thousand dollars a year i'm gonna go twelve and a half thousand dollars what do you think i'll do i'll do twenty thousand twenty thousand thirty five thousand a year Get your answers in and shout it loud because the answer is $65,000. Oh, my God. Between $60,000 and $70,000.

To not care. Yeah. Oh, my. I'll do that for half the price. I'll do that for that. God. Dude, just pay your cops more. Yeah, have the Mike Comics Institute already living in parks.

Just let them. Okay, let them. Give them a free banana. Thank you. It's like when you hear stories like I was listening to the Guys We Fuck podcast, and there was like someone on the podcast who like made tons of money. Just guys would call her up,

and she would ignore them. She would leave the phone on, and just put it down, and then go do housework, or just whatever, hang out and do her own stuff. And then the guy's like, talk to me, answer me.

And you could just kind of hear it in the background. She's just doing her life. And they're like, yeah, money, money, money. Ew, I meant you can just kind of hear it in the background. She's just doing her life. And they're like, yeah. Money. Money. Money. Ew.

That was jerking off. No, but I'm also. She's just counting. Best way ever to cash in money. I mean, like. I got to do this. This is a whole new genre. I'm saying.

$60,000 to ignore people. Free use is a whole new type of. There's a whole new thing, too, where guys apparently send in their dicks and they want women to rate them very meanly. I'm like, hello? I've been doing this already. What am I, roasting your... I'm roasting, no, not the front row. I'm roasting your cock. Are you kidding me? Do it. Here we go. Steph.Toll of gmail.com.

Steph-Toll of my Venmo. Send me your cock. Venmo before response. Oh, you're going to be happy. You're going to be happy. Or you're going to be sad, and that's going to get you off. Whatever it is. Whatever it is.

I'll be very descriptive. Be mean. Be mean. Robots are mean. I think these robots were designed to ignore important people. And so they're like, no, we switched the egg roll. We gave the wrong. This was a sex robot for guys who wanted to be ignored.

This is a sex robot for guys who wanted to be ignored. And then we put your cock looks like Ned Beatty on Jerry Lewis's prednisone. What? Yeah. No one gets it. They're like, I actually have a Venmo. You got a Venmo me. This guy said he's over ready and I'll explain your. I'll explain the rest.

Let's get a whole cottage industry. It's still in a trial phase, obviously. I would say so, yeah. And that their alert buttons have not yet been activated. He said that law enforcement have not yet started advertising the robots crime fighting activities. Oh, I wouldn't until you get it right. Wait, crime fighting activities? Are we going to go?

They're not fighting crime. No, they're not. Do they have arms or just egg? They're eggs. But if it had gone to the problem with the camera on, that would... If you can release tear gas from there, then you can kind of... We don't even want to go down that road. I mean, I don't know.

We just had a robot this past summer who broke a kid's finger playing chess against the kid. Yeah, because the kid, it looked like he let go of his piece, but he was still on it. So then the robot went to move the piece and broke his finger. So we started doing it. Oh, my God. So if it slowly broke it, that's... Ow, ow, ow, ow. Robot.

Okay. Robot. Robot. Any help requests are currently sent to a company called Nightscope. Ew. Hell, dude. K-N-I-G-H-T scope which creates

and leases the robots come on it's people dressed as eggs just in a basement just watching and then the

Commodores are doing some gonna be some sweet sounds gonna be dope on the night scope wait that was worth it night scope

night scope is such a badass it's the villain from every Beverly Hills cop movie what's your company raytheon industries or night scope night scope incorporated scoping i found a receipt for night scope inc i can't believe bogomil anyway they're a direct to vhs production company night scope did everything on video. Nightscope. Who's paying for the war in Iraq? Nightscope.

Does Nightscope have jurisdiction? Yeah, they're in there with the road. They have rangers out there. Jason Bourne took down Nightscope. Oh my God, that's genius. Lozano added that once the robot completes its trial, calls made using its alert button will be sent straight to dispatch. Great, good. So a phone would do the exact same thing. We'll do the same thing here.

The 911 on the phone, Dan, you're right. It's an extra step now. Yeah. Also, what if he's on the other side of the park? Far away. You've got to run over there. What if he's on the other side of the park? That's the big pond in the middle.

Right. You've got to go swim across. You've got to get in the swan. You've got to pedal it over as fast as you can. Hey, you're past the line in the swan. Other versions of the same model have previously hit the headlines after one fell into a fountain in Washington, D.C. Well, there you go. That's what we're talking about.

Not a good day for night school. No. You got to make them a determinator. All right, Jay. A third HP RoboCop struck a child while patrolling in a mall in the California Silicon Valley. That kid might have been being a brat. No, that's not. I'm going to hand this to you, Randy.

I'm telling you right now, this is a mistake. We can cut our losses right now. We don't need to feed the Nightscope beast anymore. Okay. We don't need to feed the Nightscope beast anymore. No, that's insane. Nightscope had their chance. They had their day in the 80s.

They need to go back to building carnival rides. I'm not even going to tease this next one. We we're gonna have a great story on the other side of the break steph tolls is with us and uh we'll be right back on dumb people town stick around hey guys i want to talk about uh feeding your doggie i have a little you know this very well i know i have little ponyo and she's great, but I worry about her weight. A hundred percent about her eating the right foods that are healthy for her and good for her. And so what I realized, I don't have to worry anymore because I've got Maeve. I love Maeve so much. It's raw food. It comes in little cubes and I put it in her food and in her dish and she loves it so much. They're crunchy. So it's good for her teeth, good for her weight. I know she's getting like really, really good food.

So it has been wonderful. And the transition of her onto the Maeve was fantastic and easy. And I'm telling you, it's the best thing I've ever got her. Yeah, dogs need unprocessed high protein, low carb diets that kibble and fresh foods they just don't deliver. Plus what's great about Maeve is there's no mess,

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It's awesome. You can find more balance with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash DPT today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-l-p dot com slash dpt do it for yourself stick around make it sound there's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to the show welcome back uh i will take us home you guys ready for this all right this one is sent in by overdue for extinction at o4e pod that's a new one a new one i actually love when people send in new stuff we appreciate the the regulars but we like the new folks thank you for doing that are you guys ready for this all right here's the headline shopper recorded shoving crossbow into his sweatpants at florida store well that checks

out right already that's why you wear sweatpants to a store. Well, that checks out. Right? That's why you wear sweatpants to a store. I can steal this. Is that a crossbow in your pocket or you just have it? So, that's what they said. Actually, there's a crossbow. One of the world's dumbest criminals was recorded shoving a crossbow into his sweatpants at a hardware

store. I mean, sweatpants gives you the confidence that you can stuff anything down, right? Especially if they're like dark and thick. Dark and thick. Are we doing like gray? Does it say the kind of sweatpants here? So, of course, there is a thing, and I'll play the video. Dark and thick.

Dark and thick. Dark and thick. Let me describe one. I don't like my men. Dark and thick could be the name of the crossbow. Thin and translucent is what you like? Yeah. A fresh roll is what I would go for.

A fresh roll. So, in, yeah. A fresh roll is what I would go for. There you go. A fresh roll. So in his sweatpants at a hardware store, what hardware stores are selling crossbows? All of them in Florida. In Florida, yeah. I guess so. According to the Brevard. Where is the crossbow in the hardware store?

It's by the batteries and by the hemorrhoid pillows. All right, so by the Brevard County. I love that there's Broward County. There's Brevard County. Bramard County. Anyway, it happened on February 6th at a True Value Home Improvement Store in Mims. And the man stood in front of the surveillance camera. I mean, you know he had to see that there was a camera there.

He pulled open his sweatpants to hide the weapon. Quote, just when you think you've seen it all. Like, really? I love how shocked these people are. Yeah, this isn't that outrageous. Brevard County Sheriff. I don't know if people stole something from him. I'm going to name the sheriff, and you'll tell me.

I want each of you to tell me what profession, if he wasn't a sheriff, he'd be doing. Okay. Brevard County Sheriff Wayne Ivey wrote on Facebook. Wayne Ivey? Wayne Ivey. What does Wayne Ivey do if he's not a sheriff at Brevard County? Oh, I feel like he's a dean of a fucking Ivy League school.

Pretty good, too. Ivy League school. He's lead umpire for a little league. Oh, I was going to say junior varsity girls high school basketball coach. Semi-professional poker player. All right.

Lane Ivey. Quote, this guy takes carrying a concealed weapon to a whole new level as he proves to all of us you can actually stuff a crossbow

down the front of your pants. That's his quote. Yeah, you can. This is a... These people are... Imagine these people at Disney World. I don't even know

the same quotes. Like, now I think the chief is dumber than... All right. The man successfully made it out of the store, despite a conspicuous bulge. So I think people... And a handle sticking out of his pants. He had a handle sticking out of his pants.

So he didn't hide the whole thing. This tells you how little attention people are paying. People either don't care their jobs, or they see it, and they're like, oh, no, he's going to take the crossbow out and kill everyone in the store. That's what he's going to do. So this is when they figure it out. Or if we catch him, he's going to come back to the

store with a gun. So now we just can't call anyone on their shit. You can't break up with anyone anymore. You can't fire anyone anymore. So they're going to come back and hit you with a crossbow. Store staff later discovered two crossbows were missing I guess when you do the crossbow check. Have you done your crossbow count?

Someone get over there and do the check. Nope, we're at 78. We've only sold 20 today. We should be at 80. How could they be that on the crossbow? How could they just be that out? Wouldn't they be behind a little walk? I have to fucking get a guy to give me razor blades at

right A. And Advil. the right age and Advil you're gonna fucking target Advil right the full thing of Advil said but the crossbows are just hanging around next to the like loungewear so they began scrubbing through surveillance video for suspicious activity that's when they saw footage of a customer using a uh using a stolen cutting tool to remove a Raven R10 crossbow from its packaging, hide it in his pants. The hunting bows are how many inches long? Just out of curiosity.

Your average crossbow is probably... I'm Canadian, so I'd say 20 centimeters. 20? How many inches is 20 centimeters? I don't know. I don't even know if this is accurate at all. There's no way that's 20 centimeters. Say that in Chinese.

Is there three centimeters to an inch? It's about 30 inches. Yeah, two feet. 30? 30. 36. You say 24 inches. I'm going to say 39 inches.

Okay, get your answers in, Townies, because this crossbow is 33 inches long. Yeah, there you go. And it weighs close to how many pounds? 15. 15? It weighs about six pounds. Eight. Seven. Seven pounds. There. 15? Maybe about six pounds. Eight.

Seven. Seven pounds. There you go. Got him. This game. And retails for how much? This is interesting. Well, that really depends.

I actually know this. Take a guess. What do you think? I don't. I'd say 200, maybe 250. I don't know. 250? What do you think?

If it's a decent, I'd say 350 bucks. What do you think? 500 bucks. Get your answers in. $1,290. Wow. He's putting $1,299 in his pants. I mean, that's why he needed some sort of device to cut out of his packaging,

which also could have meant that it was, sometimes they have locks on it. Like, you can pick it up, but it's tethered to the. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. So he's using a high-power knife to cut through the plastic that's got that loop. Yeah. I mean, that's an expensive crossbow. That's a really nice crossbow.

But that should not be out in the store. No, it should not be out in the store. You want to go to a bar, you got to go talk to Steve. He'll go into a back room. You sit in that chair and he'll bring it to you. So that's how much they retail for at a Bass Pro Shop. Maybe Bass is like, you know, doing that stuff. All right, investigators say, this is my favorite line in the whole story.

So you got away with it. You left. I mean, yes, they can see you and they can probably track you down and find you. You best not go by there anymore, right? He needs bows. What are you talking about?

Investigators say the man resurfaced a few days later and was captured after a brief chase across a Walgreens parking lot. Brief, yeah. You're not running too fast with that. With a thing in your... Cut to Walgreens parking lot. Yeah, you're not running too fast with that. With a thing in your... Cut to Walgreens being like, hey, we got enough problems over here. It's like, look, you can't run with 8,000 greeting cards in your pants.

Also, Walgreens is like, we just let people take it. We are not stopping anybody. Whatever you want. Whatever you want. But like after a brief chase, like to me, how funny would it be? He doesn't have the crossbow still in his pants i know but i'm just saying whatever else but he once he got away with it he's he's sweatpants emboldened like if you this would be like if you wore sweatpants out and you got a date while in sweatpants you'd be like oh i can i can do anything it's like your holiday

staying at a holiday express people like can you believe he stole a crossbow and sweatpants? Yeah. Tell me about a guy in capris. A guy in capris. Short shorts. Yeah, stealing like a boat oar. I'm like, holy shit. Cut off denims. How's this guy stealing anything? He's not going to steal a bowie knife. It's amazing if you do that and cut off denims. If you pick up

someone like or hook up with someone if you haven't taken a shower, like there's someone who's like, am I giving off pheromone I think if I don't like you suddenly feel like that you can do that's why that's how he came back he resurfaced a couple days later in a Walgreens parking lot thinking I can do anything

and now he's being chased around yeah crossbow confidence there you go crossbow sweatpants sweatpants confidence this guy has but if he was smart and he went in with big sweatpants and a big oversized shirt with already a limp go in with a bit of drag and that's what you got the you have the suspect and all of a sudden he pulls it out and then he just starts walking normally and like oh my god we we just got kevin spacey by the way when you think about kevin

spacey's career like the whole of his career his career He kind of showed himself to be one thing And then at the end you start to figure out Oh my god he laid on Anthony Rapp He's a piece of shit Alright you guys that is the show That's how we do it It's Dumb People Tell The great Steph Tollef

Follow her on Instagram Name your podcast It's Steph Infection Also here at Rock and Roll Comedy You guys gotta do it It's about body image Weird body stuff Steph infection. Steph infection. Also here at FNC Comedy, you guys gotta do it. You gotta do it. Everyone do it. It's about body image. Am I right?

Weird body stuff. Weird body stuff. Oh, I love it. And I can't wait. Everyone has something. That's the thing. Gross, not gross. Yeah, it's good.

No, I love that everybody does have something. And in some sweet way, it makes everybody more connected. It does. Because we all have that stuff. I love that you're doing it. Steph infection. Check that out. It's an all things comedy thing.

And oh shit, we gotta get back to work. Stick around. Make us down. It's an all things comedy thing. And oh shit, we got to get back to work. Stick around. Make us down. There's more. Don't people town.