Dumb People Town - Steve Agee - Stillwagons Run Deep

Episode Date: October 12, 2018

Steve "Guess The" Agee returns to Dumb People Town! The gang discusses a drunken, uniquely-named man who sets fire to his own house.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Armand Dan Banders don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, Dirk, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around, make a sound, come here down, it's Dumb People Town. Hey townies, welcome to a mini episode of Dumb People Town!

Population AG! Guess the AG! Population AG! Guess the AG! AG, you are such a person that we just love in this comedy world and whatnot, and I love that you are. There are a few people that have just seeped into the lore of the show. They seep into the lore of the show. Two things. One, every time we guess someone's

age, it's called Guess the AG, and we just harken back to you and think of you and fly. You are so great. Whenever we have a chance to guess the agey or anything that we're guessing. We go in the order of either first, the guest can choose to go first, Tig, or third. Tig was the only one who offered to go in between the two of us. You go first or last, and Tig's like, I want to go between you guys. So we're like, that's the Tig slot.

That's funny. First Tig or third, Guess want to go between you guys. So we're like, that's the Tig slot. That's funny. First Tig or third, guess the AG. We're just building lore. Are we doing a shirt that says first Tig or third? I think we need to do a shirt that's guess the AG.

We might have to do guess the AG. Steve AG's likeness on it and guess the AG and then give him no money from it. All right. Dan.

Dan Van Kirk. How are you, buddy? I'm good. Are you excited about our upcoming live Dumb People, our upcoming live Dumb People? Two upcoming live Dumb People talents. One, All Things Comedy Festival at the Pop-Up Podcast Studio on October 25th at Thursday. In Phoenix, Arizona.

I think it's right across from Stand Up Live, if I'm correct. I think it's on the same complex. Yeah. Okay. Or two, and two, the December 10th Largo live dump. That one I mixed about. Really? I don't know.

I'm not interested in the commute. It's a long way to go for Dan. It's about a four-mile commute for Dan. La Cienega's brutal. It's rough. We're about to go do Agee's podcast after this. Literally not even stand up from our seats. Tell them what your podcast is so we can do a little.

I have a podcast. It's called We're No Doctors and it's all about health and medical related issues. And hypochondria. And hypochondriac. I can't wait to get into all of my issues on that.

That hypochondriac life. So listen to us on that. But first, we've got a great dumb story sent to us by our wonderful fans. And Dan, you've got it. We haven't heard it. So let's get into it.

Ready? Yes. This was sent in by Nick D'Angelo. Hey. Any relation to Beverly? Little Nicky. No, you've got it. We haven't heard it, so let's get into it. Ready? Yes. This was sent in by Nick D'Angelo. Hey. Any relation to Beverly? Little Nicky. No, I don't know. That's little Nicky D'Angelo.

Drop the story over here. Little Nicky. Little Nicky D'Angelo. At Dr. Nick 513. Hi, Dr. Nick. What's he say? Hey, everybody. Hey, everybody.

Hey, Dr. Nick. Hey, everybody. Is he still alive in The Simpsons verse? Has to be, right? He is. Nobody dies in The Simpsons, dude. He's totally alive. If Mr. Burns is still alive.

Ned Flanders' wife died, right? Yes. Yeah, she deserved it. Horrible death. All right. Brad and Ted. This takes place in Periopolis. That sounds like a fake place.

Sounds like an Adam Sandler. It's not a place. They're all going to laugh at you character. Remember that album? Periopolis? Yeah. What was that character? Polychronopolis.

That was that character. So this is Periopolis. A man is facing charges for allegedly burning down his own home on Saturday. Yeah. Sometimes a home... Home is where the fire is. It's a teardown. Can that be a domestic dispute?

You and your house? That should be an HGTV show. You know they always have the part of those where it's demo day? Yeah. Burn it. And you just get one member of the Talking Heads to be there. Sure.

Burning down the... Great video when they're all hanging on their backs while they're trying to play. Kids are playing them. According to police, the incident happened in the 400 block of Elm Street. In Periopolis. It's literally a nightmare on Elm Street. I know. It is quite literally.

Although maybe if you're his neighbor, it's a dream come true on Elm Street. You're like, well, he's gone now. I mean, by his own work, he's gone. Don't go to sleep. Around 9.22 p.m. Okay. Around. It's bedtime for some people.

Approximately 9.22. Right. I mean, can you be more specific? That is really specific. Yeah, I know. When police arrived at the scene, the home was fully engulfed in flames. Officers noticed a man walking with a cooler and yelling, that's my house.

He's got a big igloo cooler walking around on the sidewalk. You think he has a Yeti? He's burning his house down. It's an igloo. If you have a Yeti, you'd be burning down your second home. Is that the styrofoam ones?

No. The Yetis are like the beautiful, really expensive. Like $300. Yeah, and you put ice in it and it'll last for two weeks. Which I'm always like, where are you going that you need ice for two weeks? Sometimes you go camping down. $300. I think it's more than $300.

Oh, no. Yeah, that's $300. Just the like. $300 is for the cup. They have these great little wet, like dry packs. Like if you're on water or near a beach or whatever. And those alone are $50. That's just a small dry pack.

So he's got an igloo cooler. He's walking around. He has the styrofoam cooler. Do you think he's telling people it's lit? Like, you know, the emoji or whatever it is of a little fire emoji. This house fire is fire. Just yelling, that's my house! Let's lit! Several cans

of beer were in the cooler. Okay, he's saying that's mine, like, don't touch it. He's proud. Right. That's my house! It's me. It's mine. You guys got the invite? Several cans of beer were in the cooler, and the man was

said to be walking with, quote, an unsteady gait. Why don't they just drunk? Yeah, unsteady gait. Was he drunk? I don't know. I'm just telling you what I saw. Falling down drunk is a nice way to say it. Like Homer Simpson as a cartoon is funny. As a real person, you're like, oh.

The man was later identified as, and if I gave you each a million guesses, you'd never come up with this name, even with hints. Is it going to sound like a super rich, like, waspy name? It sounds like he is his own brand of well whiskey. Okay, let's hear it. His name is Pike Stillwagon. Pike.

How do you want it? Do you want your Pike? Hey, I'm going to have a... Pike Stillway. I'll have a Pike Stillwagon neat. Okay. Neat. Stillwagons run deep.

We usually just pour that directly into your mouth. Okay. You said neat, right? In other words, you've got to put ice in your mouth first. I'm going to throw a giant cube down your throat. Pike Stillwagon. Is the Pike Stillwagon aged? Pike Stillwagon is what they

wanted to call Jason Lee's band in Almost Famous. Pike Stillwagon is a name of a character Paul F. Tompkins hasn't created yet. Isn't that the name of the car in Vacation? Yeah, Pike Stillwagon. Yeah, it's like the home

crew, the family truck. Or it's the rich guy in an old western. The rich. Officers noticed a strong smell of kerosene coming from Stillwagon's clothing. Oh, clothing. This shit fucks you up. When asked if he set the fire, Stillwagon replied, I did not set the fire. My electrical box was sparking.

That box caused it. Okay. So clearly a guy who's like, I need the insurance for this thing. Yeah. I guarantee you he offered that up when someone didn't ask him if he started the fire. Hey, man. Yeah. Hey, man.

Are you okay? I did not start that fire. That box did it. Actually, if I'm him, every interaction I ever have starts out, even if you know me, starts out with, Pike Stillwagon, great to meet you. Or every interaction starts with, That box did it.

Sir, we're not even anywhere near a box. Stillwagon was detained while officers spoke with neighbors. Neighbor Megan Craft, another drink-sounding name, She's crafty. stated she observed Stillwagon go behind his home and grab what appeared to be a gas can. Then he allegedly poured the contents

of the suspected gas can on his car and vehicle. So maybe this started out as a car fire and then ended up becoming a house fire. Hey, you can't bring a car to a house fire. A few minutes later, a few minutes later, the home was on fire and Kraft called 911.

She took care of it. Yeah, but in my mind, she also really let this all play out. Yeah. You know what I mean? Honey, come here! He's doing something! Nine. Stillwagon's up to it again. One. Also, like, Stillwagon isn't a guy you stop, A.G., in the middle of what he's doing.

Don't you think with a name like Stillwagon, it's gotta be good? That to me feels like a commercial, right? Yeah, yeah. With a name like Stillwagon, it's gotta be good. Do your best with a name like Stillwagon, it's gotta be good. With a name like Stillwagon, it's gotta

be good. Yes! I'm buying that pickup truck. I saw like a barbecue sauce. That's my Sam Elliott. With a name like Stillwagon, it's gotta be good. 40 years ago on this prairie. That's what I was going to say, is that with a name like Stillwagon, it does have to be good. But also, don't you feel like he probably had family that were like

settlers or pioneers like did something there's the wagon there's the wagon that wouldn't move like it's a character that was unnamed in Deadwood

yeah is Stillwagon and they were like they accomplished something and now in Deadwood it'd be fucking Stillwagon they were the ones

that ate everyone in the Donner party and survived yeah no what if it's just like just his heritage is every Stillwagon generation has burnt down like something.

Like Lieutenant Dan. Keeping with tradition. Yeah. Like my grandpappy did. Keeping with tradition. Tradition. With a name like Stillwagon, it's got to be Tradesh. And you just know Megan was like, Ronnie, get in here.

Watch him. He's going to do it. Pike's burning his house down. He's doing it again. We're forgetting that it's Pike. Pike's burning his house down. And the guy comes in and it's Pike Stillwagon? How is your name Pike Stillwagon and you aren't the fifth?

Yeah. Pike's famous Stillwagon and you aren't the fifth? Yeah. Pike's Famous Stillwagon Distilled Liquor. It's distilled on a wagon that doesn't move. That's what keeps it fresh. And it's like slightly racist. It comes out white so you know it's real. It comes out white so you know it's pure. I love that a few minutes later, the home was on fire.

That's when Megan decided to call 911. Multiple neighbors said they heard Stillwagon shouting, busting windows, and pouring something from a can onto his home and his car. Pike Stillwagon is what REO Speedwagon was originally going to call themselves. Yes. What's he shouting at people? Like, I'm doing it! I'm doing it! I'm gonna keep

on loving you! But he doesn't know all the words. If it's that one thing I want to do, I'm gonna keep on loving you And then he just, that's all he kinda knows

And starts over again And he did the end That's what he was singing This is the end And I walked on down the hall Mother, yes son I wanna fuck you After I burn the house down.

Come on, baby. Light my car on fire. I thought you were going to do it. Mother. He's just singing and dancing. And crushing it. Killing it. Shirt off.

Hike Stillwagon. He'd probably be a meme karaoke. Shirt off. Meme sings the gambler. So multiple neighbors said they heard him doing all this. Quote, he was just screaming like the Hulk, witness Megan said. He was definitely messed up. Hang on a second.

I don't ever think of the Hulk as screaming. To me, the Hulk's screaming. This is like when, and we've said this on our other podcast, I think, who was it who did this? Not Burger King, but someone did a commercial with Evander Holyfield. It was Taco Bell. Taco Bell. Evander Holyfield.

And the person at the register looked up to see that it was Evander Holyfield and wasn't surprised that there was a heavyweight champion at Taco Bell. She made his most important feature that he was so tall. Now, Steve, you are 6'6". Yeah. 6'6". So if I saw Steve Agee, I would look up and be like,

Steve Agee? It's a tall guy. Okay. Evander Holfield is 5'11", 6'4". He's not even the tallest. He's maybe one of the shortest heavyweight champions ever. Like Lennox Lewis is 6'6".

So in our minds, they had originally booked Shaq and then Shaq backed out and then they got Evq backed out, and they didn't change the script. So he's like, whoa, Evander Holyfield. Either she's really small. So screaming like the Hulk, yes, the Hulk wreaked a lot of destruction. The thing about the Hulk for me, and because it was Lou Ferrigno, he was kind of quiet. Because he was deaf.

Well, even when he talks, he says, like, Hulk smash. Yes! There's not, like, a lot of, like, screaming. Although, that is kind of how a drunk person could talk, right? Like, burn this! Burn it! Pike burn house! That's not screaming, though.

No, you're right. It's more growling. Yeah, if she had maybe been, like, yelling or smashing things like Hulk, we can all get behind that. He was like avoiding articles in his sentences, like the Hulk. She said he was definitely messed up. Still wagon was arrested and charged with arson, recklessly endangering another person and disorderly conduct. I have no clue who the other person is. If there was somebody in the home.

Oh, God. I don't know. Well, it's like the Hulk has David Banner or Bruce Banner. That's his alter. Pike, Scott, whatever. Yeah, alter ego. It's like Stephen Fiskers or something like that.

Stephen Fiskers. Fiskers. You know what? That was great. I'm not even lying to you. You've been approved for your loan, Mr. Fiskers. Thanks. I hope I don't go crazy or anything.

He's becoming Mike Stillwagon. Neighbors say that just before the fire, this is my favorite part. Neighbors say that just before the fire, Stillwagon was stumbling around the neighborhood, allegedly drunk, complaining about how no one listened to him. That's my favorite. That's the whole thing. They're going to listen now. Right.

Like, can you hear that fire? Go buy a PA system. Don't set your house on fire. You just want to turn the heat up on him, Dad. Wasn't that a thing? Like, he came on like a house on fire. Isn't that like a phrase that people use? Well, I don't know.

A house on fire. Like a house on fire. Like, get your attention. I't that like a phrase that people use? Well, I don't know. Like a house on fire. I can't grab your attention. I think it's a phrase. I want to know how barn burner became a sports thing. Like gangbusters. Yeah, it came on like a house on fire. But what's barn burner?

Barn burner is like a real, like we're all sitting around waiting to see what's going to happen. Barn burner is like, they used to say it in hockey. There was a guy who used to call hockey Gus Kyle in St. Louis. Like, we got a real barn burner. Why though? Maybe you're right that it used to be like, hey, everybody come out,

we're burning the barn down. Things are heating up in the barn. Yeah, you couldn't wait to see that. Things are really heating up in the barn. If you're going to talk in your St. Louis dialect, you have to say hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres. Hors d'oeuvres.

Pissed. Pissed. It's a real barn burner. Barn burner. Some pissed hors d'oeuvres. Piss him around. Yeah, just the idea of him walking up and being like, nobody listens to me. And then he set his house on fire and then left with his cooler full of beer to watch his barn burner, I guess. He saved the thing that was most important to him from the house.

The cooler. I'm going to ask you guys now, because we have to. We're going to play a round of Guess the AG. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right?

Guess the age. Guess the age. We've got AG! Steve. here! A.G. Do you want to go first, Tigg, or third? I'll go first. Okay, how old do you believe Pike Stillwagon is? Well, that name alone makes me picture a prospector. So I'm going to go on the older side and say like 66.

66. The amount of times that guy got hit by lightning in the movie great outdoors yes jason jason i'm also going older 58 came into my head 58. okay i i think older too i'm gonna say 72. i wanted to go into the 70s but i was like you're just like he's done with this house he's done with this life he's done with that he's 72. I wanted to go into the 70s, but I was like... He's done with this house. He's done with this life. He's amazed he's lived this long, and I'm saying that at 58. He's the type of guy that in his garage

has a lot of jars that are screwed into the ceiling. You know what I mean? The lids are nailed on the ceiling, and he screws the jar in. How old did you say, Steve? 66. 66, and what did you say?

58. 58. Because at 58, his attitude, and maybe even 66, but at 58, his attitude is definitely like, fuck all you people for not listening to me. Right. I'm ready to die. At 72, his attitude is like, you can't take it with you. No one ever listened to me.

Right. I'm downsizing. No one ever listened to me. Oh, my God. ever listen to me. I'm downsizing. No one ever listened to me. You can do this thing in LA called a bulky item pickup where you just I'm sure you can do it everywhere where you just call in Is it a dance move? The bulky item pickup?

Well you step right in then you move yourself around Get real bulky You kind of release all the junk in your trunk So it's you can contact the trash. Oh, for them to come get your shit. The trash should come and get it.

And you have to list all the things you're going to do. And so there is this feeling, I don't know if you guys feel this way, when you get rid of stuff that has been sitting around. Feels so good. I went all around the house yesterday and was just getting everything out in this bulky item pickup. It felt so good. So if that's what this guy is doing,

then I am fully on board. This is his own, I didn't call the right place, I just burned it anyway, bulky item pickup. He didn't have a phone to make the calls. He burned it. It's a stuff purge.

All right, we'll get your answers in now, townies, because we have... 66. 66. 66. Jason? 58. Randy? 72.

I know I'm being ridiculous. As I like to do on minis, before we give this answer while everybody's still hanging around, Steve, do you have anything you want to plug? Just the podcast. We're not doctors. We're not doctors. We're no doctors. We're no doctors.

I always say we're not doctors. It's we're no doctors. We're not doctors, though. We're no doctors. Nice. Dot, dot, dot no doctors nice dot dot dot and people can you've been on some

recent episodes of Superstore right Superstore yeah you're so fucking good we're so great on New Girl too man thanks man hey you're the best

it's so nice to have you love it Sklars hey we've got we've got the live stuff that we've got coming up you go to supersklars.com

we got new merch we got the new merch at fluffycrate.com if you look up Dumb People Town we have Punch Waterfall hats, we got new merch. We got the new merch at fluffycrate.com. If you look up Tum People Town, we've got the- We have Punch Waterfall hats and Punch Waterfall shirts. We've got the 6 p.m. is the 3 a.m. of day drinking t-shirts. That's perfect.

Maybe this guy was using some of that. It could have been. It's 922. 922, so he's even way harder than that. 922 is like when the fire started. Oh, yeah, yeah. You know he thought about it at four. And you know he was singing Billy Joel at the time.

I'm gonna start this fire. And it's always burning because it's 925. So we have that and I really would love to encourage people

to join The Drip which is a great way to support this podcast and get awesome extra content. D.rip slash DPT. Join at any level

and you get great perks and good stuff. So please check that out and do that right now. Yeah, we want to get up to 5,000. I think we're over 400. We should tell everybody who signed up for that, check the Facebook page, obviously, for all the content and stuff that we do on this show. But also there will be an update there for how to get your merch.

We'll be telling people where you can reach out for that stuff if you don't have that information already. But also, if you want to come to one of the live shows and you are of the level where you get to do that for free and do the meet and greet, there will be information there on where you can send in so we have your names to make sure you're on the list to come hang out with us and be at a live Dumb People Town. Let's get that AG right now. We got the AG. Let's get the AG.

I know. Oh, I just want to do my plugs really quick before we go. That's all right. I'm on tour right now, guys. So go to DanielVvankirk.com. I'm going to be in Phoenix and L.A. and Seattle and Bellingham, Washington, Eugene and Portland and San Francisco. If you go to danielvankirk.com, you can see when I'm going to be at those cities.

It's all the beginning of November. Beautiful. I would love to hang out. Oh, yeah. We're in Austin, the 7th through the 10th. Heck, yeah. That's the city. Let's do that.

Do it. All right. Pike Stillwagon. Steve Agee guesses that he is. 66. 72. 58. Here we go.

And the answer is the man who saved his cooler and his beer to watch his own house be on fire because no one would listen to him is 32 years old. Oh, my man. What an asshole. I was going to go low. I was going to go low. I was going to go low and then I was like, no, this guy's old. 32. What a dummy.

You don't even have a right to be that mad yet. He's got many more homes, most of them mobile, to burn. Yeah. So there you go. I mean, if you're old and the fire department shows up, they're like, Pike, come on, man. If you're 32, they're like, what are you doing this for? This is your house? There's so many future homes to want to burn down.

I can't believe he owned a fucking house. All right. He's giving you advice there. Yeah, no shit. Holy shit. Well, I don't know if he owned it. He definitely burned it, though. Pike Stillwagon.

Did you say Stillwater? I said Stillwater. I said Stillwater. Pike Stillwagon. One of the greatest names we've ever come across. And he's on a mini. Guys, thank you so much for listening. And oh shit, we got to get back to work.

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound.

Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Calm your down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.