Dumb People Town - Steve Agee - Twin Labes

Episode Date: December 21, 2021

This week Steve Agee comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a sex toy related stabbing. The second story is a very close encounter with a bear. Final story is about an odd set of twins!

Skypains, out of here. Hey, townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population AG. Steve Guess the AG AG. Right into it. Steve Guess the AG. That is literally what we said. We have a segment on the show where we're ever trying to, whenever we're trying to guess someone's age,

we call it Guess the AG. I know. Thanks to you. Do you ever have your guests guess my age? Are you 37? No, they can't count that high. 52. you 52 yes how's that for you got it you got it that's good that's not a bummer at all we're about to turn 50 turn 50 ourselves no it's not a bummer at all dan's just a babe just a pup uh how bad is it when you're scrolling down to the year you were born in an online form? To fill out a thing and just keep thinking. Fuck.

It rings. It rings. Like, does it go down this far? I don't know. Well, here's the good news, Age. The world is still dumb and really dumb now. Yeah, since the last time you were here, it's actually gotten dumber. Even dumber.

I believe it. Right? Even dumber. Yeah. We got the stories to prove it. We're going to jump right in. I want to find out, and we'll talk about all the great new show hbo max show that you're in peacemaker that's right we'll get into that later but first things first let's get into the dumb shall we dance you ready

hi friends this was sent in by adam you want to go fries or freeze f-r-i-e-s i think it's freeze adam freeze adam freeze his his at should have been waffle freeze or crinkle cut. Or large freeze. I consider- Early freeze. Chili freeze. When it's cold out, he's chili. Chili freeze.

If you want him to come along to whatever event, you say, do you want freeze with that? Yeah, I want freeze with that always. Large? Should we supersize him? All right, ready for this? Corbin woman, as in Birdson. Can I just tiny, tiny side note? Of course.

Make it a full note. Jay and I were flying with our parents somewhere. Fun! Years ago, flying with our parents somewhere. We're in the St. Louis airport and our flight got delayed. So you're taking off. We're taking off.

How old are you guys? How old are we? We're like adults. You have to be 20. We're adults. And we were flying somewhere with our parents from St. Louis and there was a bunch of flights

because of weather in the United States. A bunch of flights delayed. And it gets a flight to St. Louis. From St. L.A., I don't know why he was there. But Corbin Bernson was at the airport. He wasn't even sitting on a seat. He was sitting on the ground. On the ground.

On the ground. Corbin Bernson just hanging out. Are you an animal? Get up. Get up. Get up. You should be floating in midair. See, I feel bad for that because that's the thing, too.

He's unprotected. But also, if you attain any level of notoriety, you never know when someone's going to be like, look at this motherfucker over here. Because you never know that someone is going to, like, what was that, 20 years, like, 30 years later? At least a stone's throw from L.A. law. From his L.A. law, obviously, major league.

They have lounges for people like that to sit in one time i was on a chicago to la flight so you're looking at like three and a half four hours right flight lands okay ding everybody gets up i get up grab my bag guy next to me in the row goes hey man uh you're daniel van kirk right and i go yeah and he's like my friend is like an even bigger fan of yours than i am can we take a picture just to like drive him nuts yeah i go sure so we take the photo and then of course people are like who is this guy like heaven but all i could think about was what did i do for the last four hours? How much was I picking my nose? Because I was carelessly on my phone.

Was he sitting? He was sitting next to me. Oh, no. And so now I'm like, I have four hours of me thinking I'm operating life in a vacuum. But kudos to him for not like. But I wish he would have said that. He should have said something early and then Dan would have monitored his behavior. I would have no idea.

Do you think Corbin's like, no one's going to remember me sitting on the floor 25 years ago? I am. I do. But Dan. A quarter of a century later, we're talking. I'm talking about Corbin Bernson on the floor. On the floor.

Corbin on the floor. You wouldn't want to know if someone knew who you were for hours sitting next to you. Yes, fine. But I'm just saying, if they're sitting next to you, then you will feel compelled to talk to that person. No, no, no. I have to say that I met someone last night like I was at my wife's

aunt and uncle's house and their neighbors came over. Who has the movie rights to this? And this woman said, I know you. How do I know? Or something like I know you and I was like,

oh, I'm a comedian. My brother and I are comics so maybe you've seen something that we've done. And she's like, no, it's like gallery parties. And I was like, well, are you saying no, I'm not a comedian my brother and i are comics so maybe you've seen something that we've done and she's like no it's like gallery parties and i was like well are you saying no i'm not a comedian because now i'm like not sure and then i'm like i'm not a person on the floor i don't remember being at any gallery parties or any parties or anything like that maybe maybe i was and

she was like maybe i saw you or your brother and i was like okay well but i am a comedian like now i feel like she's still like no no it's like your guys's bit it's like our bit okay ready for the headline for this yes corbin woman allegedly stabs cousin after getting into argument over sex toy items i mean first of all can i say that's a dill don't i don't know when you say that because i don't this is either exactly like a story we've done before i went through and looked because i save every one of them right oh my god or we're just it's flat we're flat circling dumb people town so it's just like on some various other levels someone, like maybe they were brothers. I'm saying, are you saying, Steve, did she stab? Like what's an alleged stabbing?

Someone tells you, but you can't find the wound. Yeah. Right? Yeah. Stabbing and missing could be an alleged stab. Also. Yeah, that's a. Didn't break the skin. Clear cut.

No pun intended. Either or. You did it. You did cut. No pun intended. Either or. You did it. You did it. Also, if you're going to argue, if you're going to get in a stabbing fight with a relative over sex toys, it better be which one you're buying. Not like over one you already own. That's mine.

Right. Don't stick that in anything. Corbin, Kentucky. A Corbin woman is facing several charges, including second-degree assault after she allegedly stabbed her cousin following an argument over a sex toy. According to an arrest citation, an officer was dispatched to Mitchell Hill Road, which sounds like a place where bad things happen. Mitchell Hill Road.

Oh, yeah. Mitchell Hill. Mitchell Hill Road is haunted. Mitchell Hill. I stabbed her with a dill. A dill. Dill. This happened on Saturday afternoon, so we're day drinking.

We have to be. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is an argument. This has been bubbling because it's a relative. You know it's been like over time. And when she stabbed her, this is where it got really, this is where she got really upset. Where are you going with this, Jay?

Where are you going? The woman asked her, is it in? And she was like. Shut up. Okay. She took offense to that. Where are you going with this, Jay? The woman asked her, is it in? And she was like... Shut up. She took offense to that. We've had a lot of great names in Don't People Town. Remember once we had a guy named Officer Bone Break?

Yes. What? That was a real... That was John Glazer. John Glazer, Officer Bone Break. I'll never forget that. That was real. If I told you people fighting on a porch over a sex toy, cousins, someone gets stabbed,

you have to name one of the people. I guarantee you within an hour we would come up with this name. Okay, let's hear it. Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim. D-E-N-H-A-M, so it's Denham. Denham. Crystal Denim. It's Denim. Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim. D-E-N-H-A-M. So it's Denham. Denham.

Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim. Crystal Denim. Everything is bedazzled. Every single... What do you see in the John Early character? Oh, yes. Don't cross my Christian ass when I'm looking for my Denim.

Yes, we did a little bit with her, or with him as her on stage. That's exactly what I feel like this character is 100%. The mom who does stand-up. Crystal, if you name your kid Crystal Denim. She's on the poll. Or she's really good at carnival games. And she's been in every pageant. She's still in like a seven-year-old pageant when she's nine.

She judges from the audience. Right. She'll give her scores. I would love to have an adult. And I know they have adult beauty contests. But I'm just saying. An adult pageant contest for former child

pageant stars. So it's like you had to have won back in the day and then now we're going to have the thing again. They have pageants for Holocaust survivors. No. Yes they do. I hate to be a Holocaustocaust pageant denier

i don't think i'm not trying to do revisionist history but there's no way yes they do i'm telling i just heard about this i think it was on stern okay it states that crystal denim called 9-1-1 stating she stabbed her cousin, which is also perfect, Crystal Denim. I'll call. I'll call and say what I did. You want me to? And they're going to be on my side.

Do you dare me? They're going to be on my side. Yeah, do you dare me? Do you dare me to do the thing that's going to now inflict? He probably said, you stabbed me, I'm going to call 911. And she said, I'm going to stab you and I'll call 911. And I'll call 911. Watch me.

I'll do it all. She stabbed her cousin, Michael Barton, who was also her neighbor. Right? Oh, fuck. Okay. Denim was sweeping the porch when an officer got to the scene. So she was like, I got shit. She went back to the chore wheel after calling 911.

Denim told the officer, Barton came to her home, and they got into an argument over the sex toy. Yep. This is Dumb People Town in one sentence. Do we find out what the sex toy is? No. But here's the best sentence. It's a mouse. She borrowed it, and he said he wanted it back.

She borrowed his sex toy. And he wanted it back. I mean, what is his... Sex toys are like Kleenex and pieces of paper. If someone asks you if you can borrow one, you don't get it back. You get a new one. Keep it. It never goes back.

No givebacks. How long was she eyeballing this sex toy before she asks for it? Dan, he had the right to say, why don't you go get your own? It's kind of on him. I hate to blame the victim here, but he definitely should have been like, hey, we've used this. Or if he's going to give it to her, you don't ask for it back. So I now want to know, and I really do want to know, how long has she had it? What's an acceptable amount of time?

What do you judge, J.D.? I'm asking you personally. Before you go, that's theirs now, what is an acceptable amount of time that someone can borrow something before the guy can come back and be like, alright, I need it back. Months? What do we think here? I think two weeks. Two weeks and you'd be like, that's theirs?

Yeah. She borrowed it. You borrow it for how long? It doesn't matter because it's yours now. Once you use it. It leaves your threshold. Crystal, I'm going to need them anal beads back. I knew you did.

You washed them. Use them and lose them. She borrowed it. He said he wanted it back. The citation says she told him to get off her property. That's right. And when he grabbed her by the elbow she used the kitchen knife she was already holding in her hand to stab him that's a great move which

either means she saw him coming or she's just a walk around kitchen knife person right walk around kitchen knife just in case just a just in case knife just to suddenly cut some peppers well you guys we've all seen the wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia documentary. Oh, no. Oh, my God. There's a scene in it. Is that Dumb People Town required viewing? Yes.

Have you seen Tiger King yet? Have you finished? The new one? Yeah. I won't even start. I have no desire. It's the same. I'm with Dan.

So, in Wild and Wonderful Whites of West Virginia, there's a scene where one of the women goes, you always order your beer in a bottle so you can break it in case you got to start stabbing. By the way, very smart. She orders drinks based on the violence she's going to have to get into later. Always order corn dogs so you can stab them with a stick. How about a shish kebab? Everything is around violence. You know how she gets after she has a corn nose.

Michael Barton's injuries. That's a magician's name. Michael Barton. Michael Barton. If you haven't seen Michael Barton in Vegas on an afternoon show. Branson, maybe. Okay. Michael Barton's injuries sounds like a Tim Conroy novel.

Sure. Michael Barton's injuries were considered minor, and he refused medical treatment. I always like that, too. You got stabbed, but they don't want to go with anybody. Also, I can understand medical costs in this fucking country. He told the officer, Denim, which you know he last name only. Well, Denim. Denim over there last name only. Well, Denim. Denim over there.

That's your relative, by the way. Right. Began acting crazy, and she stabbed him when he went to leave, which I think is as wildly possible as it is wildly impossible. So she took his anal beads, didn't return them, and then for a second time stabbed him in the back. She stabbed him in the back twice. Figuratively and literally.

Yeah, yeah. Do you think he got into some sort of self-pleasure and was like, you know what? I need it. And he was ready to go. Because you wouldn't think, I need this for tomorrow. You get very- Oh, yeah. He went over there horny.

Yes. He was already- Denim, I need them. Yeah. I'm ready to blow. When the officer told Denim she was under arrest, the citation says that Denim started to yell and said she wasn't

going to jail. The officer pulled out a taser and according to the citation, she, quote, formed a fist with each of her hands, bladed her body in a fighting stance, swelled her chest out. She's like a power ranger. Like a cartoon character.

Yes. Pikachu. And began approaching. Also, that sentence right there makes me feel like we've definitely done this story before, but I could not find it. I don't remember this.

I do not remember this. You don't remember people fighting over a shared sex toy? I feel like that may have happened in an apartment, but I just think making the fit and puffing her chest out,

there's a lot of preparation. There's so much preparation for her to get ready to fight these cops who are just going to tase her. Which is why I love the next sentence. The officer stepped aside

and pushed Denham to where she became compliant and placed her under arrest. That's right. He didn't even tase her. No, didn't even tase her. I'm not going to use it. He's like Mr. Miyagi,

one to the side. It was just like, you go on over here and we're arresting you. It's like a Steven Seagal demonstration. Yeah, it's like one hand under grabs her pinky and then she goes down to her knees. Denham was charged with second degree assault, second degree disorderly conduct, menacing. That was just the charge.

Oh, that's a good one. That's got to be the bladed body stance. I've never heard that. Menacing. I don't think I've heard that either. Me either. Menacing to society and resisting arrest. Yeah.

Poor woman. That's story number one. You guys just made me think of this have you seen these have gone viral they've been around for a while this guy who teaches like detroit survival tactics and he has he has people with like a gun to him is it real it's real he's real he's real what he's not doing a character most bullshit this isn't like dan is it the ones where like if someone pulls a gun on you in a car? That? Yes. I've seen that one.

Also, he's had one where it's, like, right at his abdomen, and... He did one where he was fighting seven guys at once, and he was just moving like this, and they were all, like, falling away. Oh, that's Seagal. Yes, it's Seagal shit. It is the funniest.

And then, so people keep recreating his... But, like, doing it wrong to where they die, obviously. Oh, my God. It's so funny. That's funny. All right, that's story number one, my friends. There you go. This poor woman, Crystal Denim.

Crystal Denim. She's got to get back to her. The Ballad of Crystal Denim could be a Dolly Parton song. The Ballad of Crystal Denim. Yeah, lay your hand off my sex toy. That's not yours, Crystal. It's mine. I wish we knew what it was.

It's a ballad. God, I really wish. I know. God damn it. You kind of want it to be a rabbit, but it's more fun if it's a plug. Yeah. Well, if they both can use it, I don't know that it can be a rabbit. It can be a rabbit, partner.

If it is? Yes. I guess. I don't know. Have there ever been beads that are, you know, obviously the rabbit is a little vibrator, but they love to make animals out of it. Are there beads that are a snake?

I think you just stick into the sphere. You don't want to go much other. You don't want much fanning out if you're going inside. No, you don't want a cobra. That's what I'm saying. You don't want a lot of flair. Flair the hood.

We're learning things today on Dumb People Town. Steve Agee's with us. We're going to talk about the show he's on. I'm so excited. Right after this break. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey guys, welcome back to Dumb People Town. As we barrel towards

the holidays, we hope you guys are doing great. So this one, this episode drops on the 21st, which means Christmas is coming up this week. I hope you guys have a wonderful, wonderful Christmas. This is our gift to you this week, and we view all of you as presents to us. And for our Patreon fans, we're going to do a dumb story with Steve Agee. So if you're not a fan of the Patreon, that's a wonderful gift to give someone that you love. Sure. Yeah, join the Patreon.

Join the Patreon. It's super fun. But before we get into what Steve Agee is doing, we should talk about what Dan's got going on. Dan Van Kirk has some amazing virtual events as well as live shows coming in the new year. Everything's kicking back up in March as far as my tour, but then all my other dates and everything like Trivia Night and Bingo where we raise money for good causes and you can win stuff as well everything up is up at danielvankirk.com i'm going to issue a challenge to our awesome fans go to dan's website find out where his shows are

let's try and sell out all of his tour dates that would be the coolest i think we can do it i think you can do it i think i mean i'm only doing like 12 seat rooms, but we can do it. That's possible. And because of COVID, they're only seeing four people. No, but honestly, though, they're not massive venues. They're not massive, but they're usually about like 70 to 100 cab rooms. We can do this. You can do this, guys. Let's sell out all of his shows. And please do the same for us.

Randy and I, as we've mentioned, we never do New Year's. We don't do New Year's shows. This year, we're doing one in Aurora, Illinois. If you're in the Chicago area. Are you going to be counting it down? We've got a show at 7.30. I'm sorry, a show at 8.

And a show at 10. And the 10 show will probably take us really close to midnight and then we'll probably just stay on stage and count it down and do a champagne toast with everyone. See, that's a party. It's going to be really fun. Look, we've done it before. We were at the Sacramento

Punchline, which actually was super fun. First comedy club I ever went to. Really? Love that place. And it's the first time

I ever saw Brian Posse. No way. Really? I was in college. I was like, oh, that guy's hilarious. And he was at that first show or just same club?

He was performing. I was there with my girlfriend watching guy's hilarious. And he was at that first show or just same club? He was performing. I was there with my girlfriend watching. Just there. Were you doing music at the time? No, I was just in college. I was an art major in college, and we decided to go to the Sacramento Punch. Walk past that sad mattress store, and you head over into that corner. But yeah, so that was a long time ago.

Randy and I haven't done it. That was the last one we did. We said, you know what? We're just going to make it a point not to do New Year's. And then these guys came to us with an offer. We're like, you know what? Let's do it. Let's do it.

It's been a while since we've been on the road. We really haven't done a lot of dates. So it's also a chance for people to celebrate right now in a way that they'll do it in a safe way. Isn't Aurora the home of Waningard? So we'll play some street hockey before the game, before the show. Game on. So honestly, we do have some, I don't want to say fears, but our...

Why? I don't know. Our fear is that there will be people who don't know who we are who are just out to get drunk and do it. So we want to dominate the audience with real comedy. Even those people are going to have a good time. They will.

But I'm just saying, let's dominate it with fans of the shows. With our fans. So come to that. That's the Comedy Shrine. And then we have lots of other dates coming up. We're going to be in Denver at one of our favorite clubs at Comedy Works, downtown Larimer Square, January 13th through the 16th. And then at the Comedy Loft in D.C., which is another great club,

February 10th through the 12th. And then in Cleveland, Hilarities, which is, I know, a club that you love, Daniel. I love Hilarities. Phenomenal in March. And then we're going back to The Croc, which we were supposed to be in Seattle. Supposed to be in November. They were renovating it now where that's in the middle of May. So if you go to supersclarus.com, you can check out all the dates and see us there.

And then our Patreon. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats. Cheaper Seats. We got the Balloon. That's what we call it. And then our Patreon. We're doing new episodes of Cheap Seats. Cheaper Seats. We got the balloon. That's what we call it. It's even cheaper. The Balloon World Cup. People just try and keep the balloon.

We've already done like five or six. Battle of the Network Stars and a high dive competition. So if you want new episodes of Cheap Seats every month. Where do you shoot that? So we shoot that down in Orange County in front of a green screen. And we do it on the fly which is, it's really been awesome. Like for us,

our biggest fear was like, can we, we don't have the support staff that we did when we did our ESPN Classic show but can we work twice as hard and make it as funny and I think we found a way to do it. And I'm gonna say this,

around the corner, we will announce when it's okay for us to announce we have a new project coming out in the new year that is, I will say, cheap seats related. So we will be able to talk about that. You guys bought chairs? Also around the corner, Fudge is Made. Yeah.

Milk, milk, lemonade. Around the corner, Fudge is Made. And speaking of Fudge is Made uh you're in a new show yes a a guillermo del toro uh anthology well that's a that's coming out on uh netflix date unknown but yeah i did one episode with eric andre and charlene yee and i mean peter weller robocop directed by Panos Cosmatos Who directed Mandy The Nicolas Cage

Wild So that's coming out At some point And then Peacemaker Peacemaker is on HBO Max Explain it a little bit You were so great in the movie Thanks man

I really loved you I won't be King Shark in this Which I did the motion capture for In Suicide Squad But even all this The cutaway scenes to you In the office

Where you're like Why are we I loved all of them. You're going to get a lot more, why are we? It was great, dude. Eight episodes of, why are we? But even the trailer, like when you guys are in the restaurant and you're like,

is there an eagle in your car? What's in your car? It's ridiculous. It's so funny. Great. Casino's so good at deadpan insanity. Like where he's so like flatly nuts you know and like and in in suicide squad it was he was just a dick the whole movie yeah it's his backstory has never explained this explains why he's a piece of shit yeah it takes a lot of the air out of him like a little bit where you're like oh you're lonely so what i

love is what tv and really with streamers, what it's become. Especially like premium streamers like HBO. I mean, what it's become is like a place to go deep. Like all that other stuff was just lore that lived on the internet about stuff and franchises that we know. But like Mandalorian is just a wonderful show. And all of the Marvel stuff

and the shows that appear on Disney+. To me, this is just a wonderful show. And all of the Marvel stuff and the shows that appear on Disney+. To me, this is just a wonderful opportunity to open a door into backstories and all that other stuff. So this is great. I'm excited. It's coming out when? January 13th. Great. And then they may drop a couple episodes on the first day and then it'll be weekly.

I love it. So Peacemaker, HBO Max. Cannot wait. Support Steve Agee. Steve Agee. I I love it. So Peacemaker, HBO Max. Cannot wait. Support Steve Agee. Steve Agee. I just love Steve. And follow him on social media. Yeah.

We follow you. I remember you have it. Instagram, it's at Steve Agee. Twitter, it's at Steve Agee. So he is a phenomenal photographer as well. Thanks. And so it's a great follow. I love, I seriously love your account.

Thank you. I look for it at any time there's a new post. I just love it. You're so kind and generous with all of our friends in the community. You always take great pictures of our friends. Like when you're hanging out, and you do it in such a way that you're hanging, and you take the picture, and then you continue to hang. It's not like, oh, I'm going to-

My funeral, there won't be any photos of me, because I don't know if any actually exist. No. It'll be all photos of my friends. They're like, well, he took this. He did this. He did a great job of this. I'll just do that one military school photo. Were you at West Point or whatever?

Yeah. Valley Forge Military Academy. Yeah. Where they shot taps. Hey. E. Do, do, do. You guys want to do a second story?

Let's do it. All right. This is done by G-Man Liz Haggerty at Liz Haggerty. Gentleman. Gentleman Liz Haggerty. We love Liz Haggerty. Gentleman. Gentleman Liz Haggerty. We love Liz Haggerty. Ready for this? Yes.

Bear Licks Quiznel Woman. How do you say this? Q-U-E-S-N-E-L. Quiznel. Quiznel. I can't believe all the Quiznos are now gone. Are they really gone? It does seem that way.

He licked her and she was just lightly toast. So I read about the Quiznos franchise. They overexpanded. First talk about our love of Quiznos with John Glazer. We are obsessed with Quiznos so much so that whenever we see one, we take a picture of it. Like someone in the Denver airport and then just send that picture to John Glazer. That's what we do.

Because we used to get Quiznos for lunch when we were writing Cheap Seats back in the day. And we'd get it toasted sandwich. John Glaser used to do this move, which can only be described as a serial killer move. Open up his chips bag and dump all the chips out on the paper. The paper from the sandwich? Oh, yeah. That's what I do.

All it out? Yeah. You go all chips out because you're like, I don't want to eat it. If I go Jersey Mike's, I open up the paper around the sandwich, and I dump all the chips. Because you don't want to get chips on the back. I had never seen that before. Residue on the back of your hands, I don't want to eat it. If I go Jersey Mike's, I open up the paper around the sandwich and I dump all the chips. Because you don't want to get chips on the back.

I had never seen that before. Residue on the back of your hands, I think. Smart. Well, either way, Quiznos went, expanded too far, then Subway started toasting their sandwiches as well, which really took them out. That's it, man. You took the toasty thing. You made your thing too easy to copy.

It's like Quiznos and Qdoba live in the same off-brand town. I have theories about it. I'm sure if there are Q theories about it. Well, all I know- There probably are. So they've reduced down to, I think there's only 24 franchises left in the country. Really?

Yes, of Quiznos. But they're there. They're just very small. And then there'll just be one Quizno left and it's not even plural. They can't say Quizno. It's just Quizno. Do you remember they had the little commercials

with the little weird looking things where like, we're at Quiznos. No, that was the Noid. Oh, that's Dom even plural. I can't say Quiznos. It's just Quiznos. Do you remember they had the little commercials with the little weird looking things? They were like, we're Quiznos. No, that was the Noid. Oh, that's Domino's. Avoid the Noid. Avoid the Noid. You don't remember these crazy little like, hey, we're Quiznos. No.

You don't remember this? No. Dan, I think that's a hallucination. All you type in is like crazy Quiznos commercial. It'll be these little monster things. They're like, we like Quiznos. You don't remember this? I just sound like one of the characters in The Labyrinth, and I get that.

Why doesn't she just say it? Okay. Melanie Porter of Quiznel. You're going to find it. Melanie Porter of Quiznel had a very close encounter with a bear on her front porch. We're back-to-back porch problems here. Melanie Porter shared her experience when a bear came up to her as she sat on her front porch Thursday night.

Go inside. Go inside. How drunk are you that you don't know a bear is coming? Get over here. Editor's note, there is harsh language in this story. Great. Smoking almost kills, apparently, was the first comment from Melanie Porter when connecting with The Citizen, which I guess is the newspaper, after she reached out to say she had a close

encounter with a bear. Bear licks human, Porter quipped with a groan. I don't get it. I mean, it's supposed to be human, but why H-O-O-M-A-N? Am I missing something? No. Okay. Thursday night, Porter went out to her

dimly lit porch at the front of her quiznell home to have a smoke she was sitting in a deep low chair tucked in cozily deep low deep definitely it's definitely an inside chair that is outside deep low chair does sound like it could be a new clint eastwood movie deep low chair does sound like it could be a new Clint Eastwood movie. Deep low chair. That's what he's talking about. Tucked in cozily to enjoy her smoke and look at her phone. She saw something dark move in her front yard. I thought it was Jeff. She thought it was one of the many neighborhood cats.

That is a wide range of size right there. You are. What are you smoking?. What are you smoking? And what are you smoking? You found it? Oh, yeah. It looks like a potato. I do remember that.

Okay, thank you. It's like dead mice that died in the Quiznos. With like a top hat from like the 1940s. What is that? I do remember that now. Yeah, thank you. Like a derby, a blocked derby. It's like a bad version of Syphil and Ollie.

Sure. Essentially of what it is. Okay. Okay. So she sees something dark move in her front yard, or in the yard. In front yard. She thought it was neighborhood cats of course i look up plural i know like the little rascals on each other's shoulders like a group of cats

they've got a giant cat coming at her see also like they're like gundam wing she's she's smoking and you know she's just like what is this coming here it's a fucking cat here they look up and it's a bear and i freeze porter explained of course you do i think oh what do i do what do i do i'm just going to stay still play dead and continue smoke blow smoke in his face front door is two feet away but i'm gonna sit here sit here. Right. Okay. I would be freaking out. I'm like, this is how I go. This is how I die. Think of your relatives.

If it's black laid down, if it's brown, go to town. Mellow. Let it mellow. With a black bear, you're supposed to not do anything. With a black bear, you're supposed to not do anything. With a brown bear, you're supposed to, like, get very big.

And then with, like, a polar bear, it doesn't matter. Kill yourself. Polar bear, like, they will suck and kill humans. No, you throw them a Coke, dude. You throw them a bottle of Coke. They do. No one has better publicity than polar bears. I mean.

Because they are the most ferocious. They're terrible. Killing bears. And they've. Killing machines. Thanks to Coca-Cola, people are like, oh thanks to coca-cola people like oh they're so cute yeah okay she sees something moves she look up it's a bear she goes i'm just gonna sit still that's when it comes right up to her oh boy and i'm thinking this is quote and i'm thinking oh shit oh shit oh shit shit shit and it sniffs me and it licks my right hand, Porter said. Oh, God.

This is like a mob hit. And then I'm thinking, what's it going to? This is like an alien with like the mouth. Yes. And then I'm thinking, what's it going to do? What's it going to do? What's it going to do? We get it.

We get it. What's it going to do? And then it tries to lick my hand again, and it kind of opens its mouth. Oh, God. Now, could you imagine? Fucking dying. Like, this is it. This is the end.

Would you punch its snout at this point? No. Because you've been licked once, and now you're like, well, we've already. It's like, that was delicious. Right. We're going. You have to have done some. I would think.

I'm not saying that's the right call, and I haven't said what happens to her yet, but obviously she doesn't die. Otherwise, we wouldn't do this story. I don't even know what to do in this. I don't even know what to do now, and I know she's fine. She's giving quotes, but I'm worried for her.

And would you yell out? So imagine she's told somebody, I'm going to assume her future ex-boyfriend, but I'm going to go outside and smoke a cigarette. Get one of the several guns in our closet. That or not. But would you make a sound? No.

You look up, and from wherever any of us is far to you right now, that's a bear. No, I'd be as calm as possible. I think so far, if this bear wanted to attack you, it would have already. That's what I think. If this bear wanted to eat you. Dan, you think it's sizing you up, right?

I mean, I'll never forget. Grizzly man? No, I'll never forget seeing video of like. That joke in our set that never got a laugh? Ever. The joke was that Randy bit into a date. So ferociously bit into a date at Patton Oswalt's house that I cracked my tooth down to the root.

And he says Patton because he sued him. Right. It's still in litigation and he needs to keep the blame on Patton. No, I said I bid into it so ferociously that the only person who could listen to the audio... Couldn't see the video. Couldn't listen to the audio.

It's a joke for Steve Akin. I will say him saying... You don't want to listen to this tape. I can only... To't listen to the audio. It's a joke for CB. I will say, him saying- You don't want to listen to this tape. I can only- Burn this. Yeah. Burn this. Him saying that was more effective.

Like, I'm glad I didn't hear it, and I didn't need to based off of his reaction. What was the story you were going to tell, Rand? There was a video of a bear who was on a little local TV show, and I think it was in a clown- Plugging shows? No. It was his own show. Doing I think it was like in a clown. Like plugging shows? No. It was his own show. Doing Mark Prosh's yo-yo bit. Up at AM Northwest, my friend Dave.

No, but he's, no, there's just like a, it was a bear and it was just sitting there and I think the bear was in like a costume, like a cute little hat or something and like a dress. And there was like an older woman sitting next to the bear. Like a costume, like a cute little hat or something and like a dress. And there was like an older woman sitting next to the bear. And everything is fine. Like everything is fine. Until it's not.

Until like the bear just grabs her. And you're just like, oh, Jesus. She's gone. She's gone. You're like, oh, my God. I think she survived. Some would say the bear, when it was born, wherever it was born, was never meant to be in that studio. I don't know. bear when it was born wherever it was born was never meant to be in that studio right i mean it felt look pretty natural to bear in a dress and a tiny hat okay you trying to find that video i

don't i can't i won't watch it i don't want to watch looks licks the hand i only because it'll depress me seeing the bear in the outfit uh licks my hand again it kind of opens its mouth okay she says she took a deep breath hair here i grabbed my arm back, and he kind of backed up, and then he brought up his paws like it was going to stand up, and I was like, oh, my God. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I'm going to pick up my phone and take a picture. What?

You dummy. Who's going to believe me? You dummy. It's dumb people town. You dummy. You dumb dummy. Dumb ass. Yeah. He'll love the flash in his eyes. I love when she's like, who's going to believe me? Trust me. you dummy it's dumb people town you dumb dummy dumb ass yeah

he'll love the flash in his eyes I love when she's like who's gonna believe me trust me he'll be able to tell when you're dead the claw marks alone

will give it away I wanna get it in portrait I think I'm on live why do you keep moving why do you keep moving yeah just stay still so I can get this from your wounds

trust me they'll believe that you were I wanna be in I gotta get in it so let me just do me, they'll believe that you were attacked by a bear. No, no, I want to be in it. I got to get in it. So let me just do a selfie. Like, leans back to do a selfie. This is the photo of the bear.

She took it? She took it. No. Yes. We're going to post it. If you're not joined on our Facebook page, you guys are. That's two feet away from her. Could you imagine?

Yeah. And by the way, I would also argue it's not a great photo. No, it's moving. She didn't get a good one. Low light. That's what you got to do. Low light. Dan, that is terrible.

This should be the ad shot on iPhone. Shot on an Android. You got to go iPhone. Yeah, right? Okay, do you want to see her? I don't think I have her age, so we can't guess. I hope there's scars all over her. Let's guess it anyway.

It is exactly the photo you would want if someone took a photo of a baby. Influencers in the wild. Took a photo of a baby. Influencers in the wild. That's her own glamour shot. That's a homemade glamour shot. For everybody at home, social media, at Don't People Town. She's got a clavicle tattoo and sparkles around her head with this filter. And roots that need some attention. She just shows up to Burning Man for the pictures. I kind of like the blend.

That justifies everything. I'm like, of course she wanted to take a photo. If I had showed you that first, you would have known she would have taken a photo. I wanted this woman to have no teeth. Yeah, me too. I want her to be sitting like a kitchen chair that swivels.

You ever done crystal denim? It's really strong. It's really, really strong. It's very easy to get off of. Yeah, a lot of stuff done. It's the easiest drug to quit. You get a lot of stuff done. You have a lot of energy, but you really want to dance.

It's hard to break up with. She goes, I'm going to pick up my phone and take a picture because who's going to believe me? And if I die, at least they'll see who the culprit is. Oh. His name isn't like Reggie. By the way, yeah. It's a bear. Yeah. It's not like they're going to be like, which bear? Don't look. Get him. They'll see the the culprit is. Oh. His name isn't like Reggie. By the way, yeah. It's a bear.

Yeah. It's not like they're going to be like, which bear? They'll know. Get him. They'll see the operants on the ground. I'm going to sue you for every set you're worth. But I love that she's also the type of person, and this tells you a lot about the person, that if she were to tell the story that a bear did all this to her, her friends wouldn't

believe her. People, that's who she is. Don't believe believe that like i need photos or it didn't happen it's like shut up a bear was about to kill me the bear licks me and then kind of rears back but then goes back down and just kind of starts milling about my yard and like going right now has no interest to me i'm definitely going to the house but i am going going to be honest. Maybe then I'm like, I've got to get a photo of this. No, me too. At that point,

because I'm no longer interested in me at all. I am definitely going in my house. How many times did she refresh her TikTok before she took that photo? Let me refresh and see how many likes I have. She says, at least I don't know who the culprit is. Through the entire experience,

Porter, who is a licensed practical nurse, thank you, never made a sound. Of course. Right, Porter, who is a licensed practical nurse, thank you, never made a sound. Of course. Right. You don't make a sound. It's like Andy Dufresne. Ka-ching. Shawshank. Yeah, yeah. Tiny. Cost me a dozen cigarettes.

Exactly. He never made a sound. When the bear... Thank you. When the bear was far enough away, Porter retreated back into her house. Could have been a great time to take a photo. Oh, yeah? She didn't realize she'd left her door open a crack,

so when she tried to lean into it, she fell backwards into her own home, which is the only injury she sustained from her too-close-for-comfort bear encounter. I love backwards into her own home was that song in the Beatles documentary that they didn't use. That was one that like yoko was like knitting and she looked over jesus backwards after it happened that to me i'm sorry i don't want to go on a tangent here but like i haven't started it yet it is so worth watching because the footage is so freaking unbelievable

and like just it yeah it i've heard if you enjoy the process it well it feels like they just shot it like yesterday at a studio right over here in burbank like it's in again i'm like shocked at how great the quality of everything is peter jackson didn't shoot it yeah okay oh my god man world war one yeah oh yes i did see that yeah i did see that but the idea that like yoko is just sitting there and like that would have driven me right there's like i'm sitting right next to everybody as they're like practicing whatnot like you knew there was probably a moment we're like oh we can bring our girlfriends to this shit now oh yeah oh i didn't realize we can bring people to this we've had a couple times with people that I love who were like, for some reason, they

brought a publicist or someone to sit in the studio when we did the show. And even that alone, I'm like, that's a different vibe. It obviously still works, but I couldn't imagine. And the person doesn't really want to be there. They're the whole time on their phone. It's like she's sitting right here. And then she licks your hand, and you're like, I have to take a photo of Yoko. My daughter was watching her and she was like, if Yoko could have been on a phone, she would have been on a phone.

In this whole thing, she would have just been squirming. Yes, yes. Yes. Anyway, sorry. It's who? Imagine having the luxury of being bored at a Beatles rehearsal. Writing rehearsal. I'm just going to knit.

She was knitting. She was knitting. In the face of genius. Yeah. How dare you? She falls, as I said. After it happened, Porter called her neighbor who lives across the street who checked her cameras. So you're saying you didn't need to take a photo.

Oh, she had security cameras. Right.'re saying you didn't need to take a photo. She had security cams. Right. Cool. She said the bear was there longer. This is what her neighbor told her, that the bear was there longer than I would have liked to have seen. The bear was by her front lawn tree, not 10 feet from her the entire time she was outside.

So you never know. She didn't look up from her phone. Right. It's like when people tell me, they're like, oh, because Runyon Canyon, for people listening, is a very popular. They're like when people tell me, because Runyon Canyon, for people listening, is very popular, they're like, I don't know. I've never seen a rattlesnake at Runyon. And I go, just so you know,

they've seen you. They're there. Everywhere. Yes, you've been by so many. You've almost stepped on. I did get to see a mountain lion once. Up there? No, it was when we shot the sheepdogs video and the edge of that baseball field was a ravine on the other side of the ravine i remember we watched a mountain lion crawl up into a person

go up the ravine into a somebody's backyard it was it was far away too and you're like i can't you're looking at this creature we're like this is bigger than we're so far away and it is still so huge you're like it was wild whatever's in that yard is going to murder something. Mm-hmm. After it happened, she called the neighbor. The neighbor told her all that fun stuff.

It was so dark and he was so quiet and stealthy I didn't see him, Porter marveled. I was sitting 10 feet from him the whole time. The takeaway from having such a terrifying experience

is one of nature's most powerful beasts. Porter has a girlfriend whose brother died horribly and was partially eaten by a bear a few years ago, but no one believes him because he didn't get a photo. Stop.

I'm joking. I made that up. Dan. That's horrible. But people figure it out. She thinks she might quit smoking now because that's the only reason she was outside on the porch anyway. She might. I might.

I'm not saying I'm going to. I might. Guys, let's not get too committal here. She says her dad died three years ago and the law still radiates with her. I don't want to take this away from her, but her next sentence, I'm sorry. I know my dad must have been watching over me. Just so you know, I hope your dad's energy and love was there, but he does not dictate over what a bear does.

Unless he was reincarnated as the bear. So now if he's the bear. Are you trying to get her to quit smoking? Yes. Okay, I'm on board with that. Not bad. I like that. Yeah, I'll go with that too.

She just gets to live the tale of when a bear licked a human. That's story number two, friends. I'm all for Dan's energy being there. Dan, as a Chicago football fan, does it make sense to you that a bear would show up and do nothing? A hundred percent. A hundred percent. And not actually have driver show up to eat this woman and that happen.

All right. There you go. Story number two down the road. Who is it? Jay Cutler? Dan, give me a little taste of what we're going to hear. We're going to talk about twins who are, as far as twins go, the farthest opposite of the two of you. I cannot wait.

But if you're a Patreon fan, we're going to have a separate conversation with Steve Agee that is only available on our Patreon. Please join it. It's a great way to support us and get extra cool content that we provide all the time just for you guys. So don't go anywhere. We'll be right back

all right daniel take us home okay ready yes twin sisters who spent i already hate him already hate him who spent a lot to look identical want matching designer vaginas. Also, I feel like we've done this story before. Matching designas? Designas. Vaginas. Matching designer vaginas. Twin libs.

I mean, what would a designer vagina have? Is it also a purse of some sort? It's a coin purse. I think a tattoo has to be involved. Yeah. Eve Saint Laurent. Wouldn't a pair of twins. I think a tattoo has to be involved. Yeah. Isn't that redundant? Eve Saint Laurent. Wouldn't a pair of twins

be four people? Yeah. A pair of twins would be four. Yes. So they meant to say a set of twins. They meant to say

a set of twins. Who is that for? What? The designer vaginas that are matching. We found people right here. Yeah. I can't say.

Well, people have done. When you get it, who's it for? Yourself. But just for the two of you to be like, my vagina looks like yours. Some people have insecurities. Men and women have insecurities about their genitalia. Some people have like oversized

labia or men have too much foreskin. And so my vagina is designer. You know what? To answer your question, hopefully any sort of plastic surgery is for yourself. Ten years later, Marie, you still have your pleats and your fucking labia. Well, I put in a buckle. I put a bay window in there.

A bay window. A bay window. Just some comfortable seating and then storage underneath the banquette. There's a fire pit. Accordion door. Accordion door. I saw it on my lottery. A pocket door, Dan.

Dutch doors. An accordion door. We did a little sunken living room. I love a sunken living room. And a fire pit in the middle. I don't know why I'm a bad person. Player piano.

And I put in a mom. I put in a mom. So hard to find a pair of twins who have spent thousands on surgery in an effort to look identical have revealed how they hope to have matching designer vaginas designer vaginas if they did not play warp tour i don't know designer vaginas definitely all all male band. Open up for the Brian Jonestown massacre. Wait, but are these... What reality show are these twins on?

They do feel very... Death feels like that. I hope it's my 600-pound life. Dolly and Daisy Simpson from Stockton on Tease appeared on This Morning today alongside their mother Christina to discuss their decision to go under the knife after having matching nose and boob jobs. And also to discuss where this mother went wrong.

The sisters confess they hope to have matching labiaplasties and are also considering getting a Brazilian butt lift surgery to alter their looks. Have you guys anyone known anybody who got a Brazilian butt lift? Yes. What is it? Just lifts your butt. So it's implants. Yeah. It's implants.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I don't know. I know a couple of people who have. Wow. Meanwhile, it's me. Their mother was surprised by their suggestions. No shit.

Saying she found the circumstances difficult. Quote. Oh, really? And adding when they've been going through these procedures, by their suggestions, no shit, saying she found the circumstances difficult, quote. Oh, really? And adding, when they've been going through these procedures, I haven't been told the full extent. So they don't tell her everything they want. She's basically saying, this is her whole job in this interview is to be like, I'm not a bad mom. I don't think since maybe...

Her whole stance as an actor, you guys know this, what am I doing in this scene? What is right? What? Like, here are the words. No matter what the obstacles that are put in front of me, I need to convince the public that I am not a bad mom. Right.

I didn't screw up. They're doing this to me. Well, I think whenever you have kids like that, you use this sentence a lot at a certain point. Right. You start out when you're trying to qualify where your kids have gone wrong, you're like, at a certain point, you've got to let them be who they are. You have to let your kids make their own mistakes.

We always said let them make their own mistakes. Other than being on the same team at the same time, I don't think you guys have ever worn the same clothes. Even that little of a similarity. Even to Cardinals games, you guys will wear different we just didn't wear contacts no wow but my eyesight is getting bad and i'm like i don't know what i'm gonna do contacts yeah lasik that's what i got you did you loved it i want to do that i'm telling you and i don't know it's not an ad i went in at one o'clock on a monday and at 11 a.m. I drove myself the next day to my appointment.

I went in at 1 o'clock, and by 3 o'clock I could see the future. I'm not telling. So I would even consider, because now it's so, I love glasses, and I love that. I would consider getting LASIK and then just having clear glass glasses. Sure. Because I love them. Jay would consider having LASIK on reverse so it makes his eyesight worse, so he always has it. Or I would get LASIK and then just having clear glass glasses. Sure. Because I love them. Jay would consider having LASIK on reverse so it makes his eyesight worse. So he always has.

Or I would get LASIK. Turn the laser bad. Like turn it on the bad. Can I get a Brazilian butt lift? LASIK surgery. Yes. So people see your butt better. Okay.

Dolly and Daisy have appeared on the program today with host Philip Schofield asking, so you want to make yourselves look identical, but you have very different faces. I'm sure that was probably mean to them. Not up here. Her face was a bit rounder asking, you can't change bone structure, can you? But we try our best to do what we can. Dolly added, and when we go to the surgeon, we do ask for the same look and try to get the same result. Sure.

Their journey began with lip fillers at 18, with Daisy saying straight away, we did like how our lips looked when we were fuller, and we did think, what else can we get next? We realized it was quite easy to get things done. Oh, you mean it's easy to offer

someone money and then they do something for you? Yes. How easy is that? The way the world works? However, things progressed to having a nose job and a boob job together during the pandemic with the pair deciding to have the procedure on the same day with the same surgeon. I mean, these surgeons are like, you're getting a package the other time. A lot of pressure on the surgeon to make it look exactly the same. Daisy added that Dolly has had labiaplasty, and I actually haven't yet.

Yeah. Dolly responded. Thanks for the differentiation there. Spoiler alert. Daisy is booked, but she hasn't been able to go yet because of COVID restrictions. It really is hurting our lives. I feel really bad for her. And that actually may be the biggest tragedy of COVID, is that she can't get her labia surgery.

When asked by Phil why they needed to look alike, Daisy said, we don't need to look alike. I beg to differ. We want to. It's just we both have that insecurity. I appreciate them being honest and vulnerable. Dolly said it was about becoming their ideal selves, while Daisy added, we both didn't feel confident in getting these things together.

In getting them together, you get that support as well. We do want to look similar, and we want the same surgeons, but she's a little bit more extreme than me. I don't want to look exactly the same as her. I feel like a rough disguise. Yeah. I live back here. You're getting labia surgery.

Then Dolly chimes in. We have similar ideals, but not completely. I'm more extreme. Daisy added, I do want a bit more done. I would get bigger boobs, and she wants a b oh brazilian butt lift yeah and stuff i don't all right we'll get out of here in this we'll close out the episode do you have photos of these people dan how much yes but we don't have internet how much i can look it up for you while you guys guess what are their names how much

have they spent okay to look alike how much money have these two... Are they British? I have it right here. Whoops. Oh, we're all good. How much have they spent to look alike? AJ, what do you think?

This feels low at like $79,000. That does feel low. $79,000. I don't think so here they are they both look like Donatella Versace I thought they looked like

two pictures of their vaginas they both look like the Muppet Janice they do look like the Muppet Janice and they're in a on a show called Hooked on the Look okay that's the two of them yeah by the way they're not what show called Hooked on the Look. Okay, that's the two of them. Yeah. Let me see.

Oh, man. By the way, they're not- What did you say? 70 what? 79,000. 79,000. I'm going to say $175,000. $175,000.

Yeah, I'm going to say $220,000. Doesn't this stuff cost money? It ain't cheap. We'll close it out here. Any last plugs? I mean, watch Peacemaker, obviously. Watch Peacemaker. There's kind of a dumb story I wanted to tell now that I think,

because I have a friend, David Keys, who listens to your podcast religiously. Say it right now, Driswook. When we were kids, my parents dropped me off at his house because they were doing something, and David and I went swimming in his backyard, and he filled their jacuzzi with Mr. Bubble, like bubble bath stuff. So dumb. And turned the jets on.

And it started making the most massive pile of bubbles, which then overflowed into the swimming pool. And the whole pool was covered in like two feet thick of bubbles. For months. And you're like, you idiot. Literally one tiny drop. You need a cap. That's it. That's it. I asked him last time I saw him. I was like, do you remember this? He's like, you idiot. Literally one tiny drop. You need a cap. That's it. That's it.

I asked him last time I saw him, I was like, do you remember this? He's like, oh yeah, I think he said he used to do it all the time. If you're ever in Riverside, go to Keys Main Design.

David cuts hair and he's terrific. That's awesome. We'll do a plug for him. And his sister Cindy and his father, they're all, it's a family business. Thanks, bud.

Thanks for the show, man. Keys, Keys, Keys, Keys on Design. January family business. Thanks, bud. Thanks for the show, man. Keys, keys, keys. Peace maker. Keys on design. January 13th. Peace maker, January 13th. December 31st. Yeah, we'll see you in Aurora at the Comedy Shrine.

And then just check out all our dates. All our dates and our Patreon. Oh, and I'll be at Sketch Fest January 21st with Dave Hill and Puddles. Fun, dude. Brilliant. And then Daniel Van Kirk for all my stuff. Plus, there's a sale right now on merch. Love it.

You can get yourself some stuff. Okay, ready? Yep. The total amount spent. One of you got very close. I said $220,000. I said $175,000. He said $79,000. The amount of money they have spent. And I guess because you'd have to say, you double it, right? Double it. Double it.

$185,000. Oh, Jake. I was close. What'd you say? $175,000. $189,000 is very close. Very close. Very close.

See, I was thinking single person, but yeah. You got to double that. True. Facts. You would have been 167. You would have been right. 167.

All right, there you go. That is the show, you guys. Love it so much. As we said, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas holiday, all those who are celebrating it. Kwanzaa Christmas, if you had Hanukkah. Boxing day. Let me just say, enjoy this time with your families, with your kids,

with your loved ones this time off. Really take this time to enjoy all the good things around. And don't become a part of a Dumb People Town story, but send them in at DanielVanKirk on Twitter, hashtag Dumb People Town. That's how we do it. Daniel Van Kirk on Twitter. Hashtag Dumb People Town. That's how we do it. And oh shit, we've got to get back to work.

Stick around. Make a sound. On your down. It's Dumb, dumb, dumb. Stick around. Make a sound. Come here down. It's Dumb People Town.