Dumb People Town - Taylor Tomlinson - Asleep With the TV On

Episode Date: August 6, 2019

Taylor Tomlinson pays a visit to town to hear about a couple of stolen cars get involved in an unusual chase and crash. In story 2, a Taiwanese man misplaces his airpod that turns up in an extremely unexpected place. In story 3, a man gets rescued in a final attempt to free his drone from a tree. 

Star Pains, I know. Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Cause when the music hits the funny hits, we are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies.

Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population. Population. Tom Hilton. Oh, Jay, you sound great. I'm dying over here. Why are you dying? Jesus.

Taylor Tomlinson is our guest. What is happening to me? Jay, great intro. I'm sure she really appreciated that. I loved it. That was awesome. There was so much energy that I wanted to cry. Oh, my gosh.

That was amazing. Jay was like on the verge of tears. Hi, welcome to the show. Thank you so much. My favorite intro is one that feels like it's not about me at all. It's just- About my voice and what's happening to me. Have you ever gotten that on stage?

It's like an audition for an animation. That's what it is. I'm auditioning. Can you just do a voice memo to play this witch? Yeah. Tomlinson! Tomlinson! She's going to use that now for all of her animation auditions.

How do you want me to bring you up? Can you just say my last name? As you're dying? Like your voice is haunted? Hi, Dan. Hi, Dan. Dan Van Kirk is here. We're all friends.

We're all admirers of your comedy and proud of you and psyched for you that you're on a new network show. Oh, thank you. That we'll talk about later. We won't get into it now. We'll get into that later. But first, we have dumbness to get to. The world is getting dumber. I don't know if you believe that or not.

Or do you believe the world's getting dumber? I don't know. It feels like we should be getting smarter because we have the internet. And it feels like it's just... But why aren't we? Because we're using the internet incorrectly. There it is. That's what it is.

So the internet to me, and this's what it is so the internet to me and this is just hearing you say that actually sparks this everybody feel everybody who does like a serious amount of drugs it's like you're only using 10 of your brain so like are we is the internet like our brain it's become our brain and we're only using the 10 that we jerk off with is that what's happening i think that's so accurate. You should write it down. Thank you. Can we put that in our comedy? Tyler Tomlinson! Stop it, Jason. You're still haunted.

And you called her Tyler. Steven Tyler Tomlinson! No, no. That's not what it is. So the idea is we need to get into the other 90% of it. Yeah. Well, one of the things we try and do on this show Is try to understand dumb behavior

Or take it down a notch Yeah and defeat it with comedy There's our sword Comedy So you guys are just running around the internet Putting out fires basically Or throwing gasoline Throwing some comedy gasoline

Fire up But hopefully people listen to this And they hear what someone did that's stupid. And instead of feeling like your attention is validating that, they feel like, oh, I better watch myself. I think people feel two things. So here are the intended hope that, and you out there listening, you will interact with this however you interact with our show.

But my hope is that they, A, feel better about themselves for whatever dumb thing they've done in their lives. They're like, well, at least I'm not, you know, this- At least my head's not stuck in a tailpipe at a country music festival.

Exactly. And maybe it is. Maybe that's how you're covered on the show. Or they're laughing at just the ridiculousness and they're like, we need to do,

I need to do one smart thing today to counterbalance all the stupidity that's happening. Gotcha. Okay, yeah. Maybe we can inspire people. All right, Dan, do we have a story?

Let's jump in. Ready? We've got Tyler Tomlinson. Stop it. Steven Tyler Tomlinson's here. Stop it. This was sent in by Joe Luttrell, at the gentleman Joe.

This dude sends so many great stories in. I think he sits by, I think he scans the internet nightly, like it's a police scanner, and he looks for stuff. He's crushing it. He's getting so much stuff on this show. I think he scans the internet nightly Like it's a police scanner And he looks for stuff And like He's crushing it He's getting so much stuff on this show

He also tells people When they've sent me fake stories So I don't have to He's like That's actually not real And I'm like Thanks Joe He is so good

So Taylor What happens is People find the stories And the best way to do it Is just to At Daniel Van Kirk And hashtag Dumb People Town

And it provides a timeline so you can see who sent it in first and then we can give the credit. Yes. That is the way to do it. This guy has sent in so many great ones. And he gets it in first a lot. This takes place in Cocoa, Florida. And I really wish... Yep. Not a great start. We know

where we're starting. Am I wrong in assuming that we are, by now, every state has a two-letter abbreviation? Right? Yeah. The amount of time... FLA? FLA period. That's not it. Florida's even doing that wrong. So many times I see this. I think that

journalism takes certain liberties with how they want to abbreviate states. Can we blame Lou Reed? We can, but I love Miami, FLA. Cocoa, Florida. How much better... Sounds like a pro but I love Coco. Miami, FLA. Coco, Florida. Because how much better of a movie. Sounds like a pro wrestler. No.

Yes, Coco, beware. How much better of a movie would Coco, the Disney Pixar movie, be if it was Coco, Florida? They'd all stay dead, that's for sure. Yeah. They're all dead inside. So he learns to smoke meth in the land of the dead. They're like the mean spirits. Yeah, yeah. And it's not the land of the dead.

It's just like a trailer park. Right. And the shrines to the people you've lost would just be things you want at a carnival. Yeah. Remember weed. Everyone in the Disney movie

was too talented. You don't have to smoke so much weed. Remember weed. Even that version almost made me cry. Jay, God, man. Actually, Jay started to disappear.

I actually think something... My hands are turning into skeletons! The Cocoa Florida version, none of the dads come back. Or it's just a town full of dads who did leave. Yeah, exactly. This is where all the dads go. Cocoa Beach sounds like a resort that men who abandon their families go to to relax. It's deadbeat dad heaven.

Oh my God. It's just like pool tables out on the beach. Yeah. Where sometimes the support comes from the child. When they say child support, they mean a child supporting a deadbeat dad. I'll get checks from him every week. Cocoa, Florida. A stolen black Cadillac crashed into a Cocoa home overnight while being chased by another stolen car, which sped off.

Okay, so this is the worst written sentence ever, because it seems like the house is being chased in the middle of the night. Yeah, that's exactly. The car was being chased by another stolen car. So now this- That's what happens in Florida. I feel like we're losing the filter that allows people to, we're losing the ability.

Everyone thinks they're like in a Starsky and Hutch movie. Like, you stole that car, I'm going to now chase after you like I'm in the movies or a police officer. I have the jurisdiction to do this. Or then he crashed in the house and the person's like,

did my job, and then is going to drive that car back to wherever they need to be. It's funny that it's written like that because the whole story kind of sounds like a run-on sentence. Yes, it is. The story is a run-on. I'm chasing that sentence into a house. At about

1.41 a.m. About. Approximately. At approximately 1.41 a.m. The Coco Police Department got a call about the Cadillac which was crashed into the garage of a house on the 1100 block of Greenwood Way. Several parked vehicles also

were hit along Everyone got touched by this one. The street name just seems problematic. Japonica? Japonica? Japonica? Japanica? Japonica. I don't know.

Japonica Lane. According to a police spokeswoman, Yvonne Martinez, in a statement, quote, a car is chasing someone. This is for the 911 call. A car is chasing someone. A black Cadillac. It just went through a house. And I hope that person just hung up. No address.

My Taco Bell's getting cold. Right. Do it. Two people in the Cadillac, which was stolen out of West Palm Beach, ran off after the crash, police said. Edward Brown, who lives in the house, was asleep with the television on. Why that's relevant.

Tell people how I sleep. You get it right. I don't have a sound machine. There's no box fan. I do like a box fan, but it's not the noise that gets me to sleep. You get it right. I don't have a sound machine. There's no box fan. I do like a box fan, but it's not the noise that gets me to sleep. I'm not telling him. His wife is like, I'm not telling him.

Tell him. Tell him. No. I won't tell him. Tell him. You can tell him I was sleeping. You tell him how I was sleeping. I put on mash. Reruns of mash. She's him how I was sleeping. I put on MASH. Reruns of MASH. She's like, both of yours.

Like, I won't tell him. You wait till we get to the wife, James. I won't tell him. You wait till we get to the wife in this story. I will not tell him

how you go to sleep. Fell asleep with the TV on. Feels like the reporter's reprimanding him. Or is that why he's saying he didn't know what happened? Yeah, it sounds like a toxic masculinity thing where he's like, look, I would've

gone and got him, but I thought it was the TV. I had Avengers on and I thought the crash was aliens. I didn't know if that was on Columbo or in my house. A lot of stuff happened. I had Civil War on. They're sure lucky my TV

was on or I would've taken care of that shit right away. You like Night Court? I love Night Court. Two people in the Cadillac which were stolen ran off. Edward Brown who lives in the house was asleep with the television on when the stolen black Cadillac

crashed into his home. Quote, all I know is they came running through the yard and next thing they know they went into the garage. Brown said next thing they know quote. He was let's not forget what time it is. Yeah, it's approximately 141

a.m. Good. Wait for this next quote then quote my wife was in the garage. She got pinned in there but got out with any scratches. What is she doing in the garage at one point and wait and she got out 141. She got out with any scratches. What is she doing in the garage? At 1.41. She got out with any scratches? Without any scratches.

Didn't she turn the TV off? What are they doing? He's just going to watch the TV. Here's a picture. I think she... You got pinned in there, but you're totally fine? I think she sleeps in the garage. I think she goes in the garage just to yell. Screaming into a pillow.

Into a towel. That's why he's got to turn the TV on to sleep. To drown out her dissatisfaction. Her muffled screams. I'm going to turn up Murder, She Wrote and go right to sleep. Why is she in the garage at approximately

1.41 a.m.? I know we're saying like all these old shows like Murder, Shirota, Matlock. Can someone say Riverdale or something so I feel comfortable? Sweet Belly High, anyone? No, no, no. I was at home in St. Louis

and my kids were watching Matlock. I watched the episode of Matlock because I'm like, I've never seen Matlock. I've not sat down and watched it I just haven't watched it And he wears the exact same blue suit To court Not just every time he's in court

And I can understand if that's your lucky suit But if he's in court multiple days He wears the exact same suit That to me was very problematic He had like an earnest I was like you can't wear the same suit on Monday that you're wearing on Tuesday. Yeah.

That's a power outfit. It's a power outage. Look, I like to watch That's So Raven before I go to sleep. I put it on. That makes me a bad guy. Never repeats an outfit on that show.

You ever see Raven do that? Like Whitney in Fresh Prince. You know what's not so Raven? Getting pinned in the garage by a car. Honey, you're in the garage by a car. Honey, is that you or the TV? Shelby Lakes lives less than 100 yards from the crash.

Shelby Lakes is a person or a subdivision. It took me a very long time to figure out if they were saying how far away the next town was. Where do you live? I live in Shelby Lakes. Shelby Lakes is a subdivision that has no lake in it. At all. At all. And it's nowhere near a lake.

Shelby Lakes is where you used to go up in Wisconsin with your family in the summers, right? There is a Lake Shelby in central Illinois. Shelby Lakes lives less than a hundred yards from the... You know she's always first and last name, too. Shelby Lakes. Well, nice to meet you, Shelby. It's Shelby Lakes.

Does she live in a home 100 yards away? You think they just say we're neighbors But like lives less than 100 miles away Cause that's where the tits pitch It was her I'm not giving you my address Let's just put it at 100 yards Can we say you live in the neighborhood?

I said 100 yards And by the way she didn't say 100 She said 100 She switched to E-R-D I'm 100 yards and by the way she didn't say a hundred she said a hundred hundred hundred she switched the erd hunter i'm a hundred yards away she thinks the teens were racing the vehicles which she says is a near nightly routine oh my god we do see them go up and down quite often it's all night and it's it almost happens every night as police investigated Or my name isn't Shelby Lakes. As police investigated the stolen car, that would be the Cadillac

in the garage. The first one, yeah. They found information about the other car, which was an Orange County Sheriff's Patrol vehicle. So the other car that was stolen is a cop car. These cops didn't even know that the other car was one of their cars. So these guys staged

a police chase for fun. Maybe. That's more fun than I was even doing. You gotta keep it sexy in the bedroom. Hey, listen. Or in the garage. She likes getting pinned down. Just don't scratch her.

No scratches. Her safe word. Go for it. It's Mat scratches. Her safe word. Go for it. Come on. It's Matlock. There it is. An Orange County Sheriff's Patrol vehicle. We did a joke together.

We were like the new squad brothers in a minute. Is that what that feels like? That felt great. You guys are doing it right. I set you up and you killed it. An Orange County Sheriff's Patrol vehicle is what they discovered the other car was. A marked white SUV with lights activated. It appeared to have been in pursuit of the

Cadillac at the time of the crash. What if someone was pretending to be a cop and then took this role play to like the farthest did they see someone? Were they stealing a cop car then saw someone else steal a car and they were overcome with duty? My guess is they

know each other. They know each other. They stole the Cadillac. They stole the cop car. They're like, let's just go. Let's just chase each other through this neighborhood. This will be fun. Oh, because nobody will chase us. Because we are a cop car. Because we look like we're already in a thing.

But I like Dan's idea of them going so deep undercover that they can't come back. They all of a sudden are like, they're like burdened with this like duty to serve and protect. So they're going deep undercover as regular clothed police officers. So their undercover is to be a regular police officer. One of the sergeants actually witnessed this vehicle attempting to pull over a black Nissan on Fisk Boulevard. So before the cop chase, they were trying to pull over a different car. The SUV was later found abandoned behind a Save-A-Lot Plaza on Dixon Boulevard. The Orange County Sheriff's Office...

I believe there are probably a lot of Save-A-Lot Plazas around where these people are. The Orange County Sheriff's Office was contacted and it confirmed that a patrol vehicle was stolen from Rockledge. No weapons were inside the Orange County Sheriff's vehicle or any credentials. I hope not. Sheriff's office wouldn't comment on the investigation, only saying that their vehicle was taken sometime before 2.30 a.m. No shit if it's chasing this back Cadillac at

1.41. It must have been stolen sometime before 1.43 is what we're guessing. That's the ballpark. Just an approximate. Thank you very much. Thank you. Orange Sheriff's deputies are working with Rockledge Police to investigate the theft of the SUV. Martinez, I don't know who that is.

We've never been introduced to this person. No first name. By the way, in Florida, that's like a million people in Florida. Martinez originally said one person was detained in the Thursday morning crime. She later said that the person was let go. That's that catch-and-release Florida policy. Does she work for the cops? We don't know.

It sounds like she's another person pretending to be a cop that doesn't want to be. She's like, I'm not going to explicitly lie and say I'm Officer Martinez. Just Martinez. Gloria, you have an officer's name. Just tell them stuff. I don't want to say these cops are bad because I'm sure in Florida they are overwhelmed. Oh, my God. But if you're keeping track, they don't know where their cop cars are.

They had somebody, and then the only thing they'll tell you is, we let that person go. We let them go. Now police are looking for at least three people. They could face charges of hit and run and property damage and impersonating a police officer. I love that they're like, at least three people. That's the one thing you should get exact. How many people you're looking for. How many people ran out of that other car?

I know we have two drivers. Let's throw a third in there for goodness sake. At least three people. And also, they could be charged with that? They could be charged with impersonating a police officer? They're finally realizing their own limits. Look, guys, we don't know how this is going to end up.

Look, I don't presume to do what the... Tomorrow, we could all be distracted by some cotton candy. Let me rephrase that. They should be charged. Or they will be charged. We'll get out of here on this. We're working together as law enforcement. We'll find out who did this, Martinez said.

They won't get away with it for long. I'll tell you that. We have deployed every resource. Don't say that either. this martinez said they won't get away for get away with it for long i'll tell you that we have deployed deployed every resource don't say that either this is clearly not resources are very thin right i agree with taylor this is not a cop she's impersonating a person giving a soundbite yeah the whole thing's a sham yes this is like a Truman show of cops. The whole thing is top to bottom. So all these people get together afterwards and they're all at a local

bar and they're like, we did it. We staged it from beginning to end. Trying to pull over that Nissan. We then did the place, drove in that guy's garage. Martinez gave the quote. I don't even think her name is Shelby Lakes. No. Oh, definitely not. That cannot be someone. Guys, we'll go up to the main stage. Coming at you her name is Shelby Lakes. No. Oh, definitely not. That cannot be someone.

Guys, we'll go up to the main stage. Coming at you. We got Shelby Lakes. Coming up after her, it's going to be Cheyenne, then Desiree. Desiree's got that lip, so make sure you take care of her. Gentlemen, it's about to get wet up on stage. Shelby Lakes. Two for one Jaeger shots for the next 15 minutes.

Shelby Lakes. All right. That's story one. Story number one. Taylor Tomlinson is with us. We will get into it with her On the other side of this break We have two more stories It's Dumb People Town

Stay with us Stick around Make it sound For more Dumb People Town Alright guys Welcome back to the show We To let people know how to

See Taylor Tomlinson live Because she does go out on the road And do a lot of shows Go to T-Tom Comedy Yes T-Tom Comedy T-Tom Comedy dot com Let people know how to see Taylor Thompson live because she does go out on the road and do a lot of shows. Go to T-Tom Comedy. Yes. T-Tom Comedy.com. T-Tom Comedy.com. Or follow her on Twitter.

You are at Taylor Thompson. Taylor Thompson on Twitter and Instagram. Just do that. She's a great follow. She's very funny. And a great comic. If she's coming to a place near you, you definitely want to go. Go see that show.

A great, I wouldn't even say, you have been doing it for a handful of years, but a great new voice in the, in the world of comedy. So it's just, and I'm so happy that we have gotten connected with you. And you have your own podcast that people should check out. I do. Yeah. I have,

I have a podcast with Kelsey Cook and Delaney Fisher called self helpless, where we review self help and self improvement topics. It's very, it's, I love self help. You guys are not qualified to do that in any way, shape or form. We are comedians. None of you are PhDs. Nope, not at all.-help because it's so vague. You guys are not qualified to do that in any way, shape, or form. We are comedians and creatives.

Not at all. And it's just like, it's like going to brunch with one of your best friends who read The Secret, who will be like, well, I did think this was good, but like, this is bullshit, though. You know, like, it's very rude. Are you surprised how some things, like, because I feel like self-help are almost like. Have you ever been to a psychic? No, but I want to to i want to go to a psychic i'm scared though because i grew up so religious tarot card reader never no i haven't

done that what are you scared of well when you're growing up religious where where were you uh i was in temecula okay and then northern california for wine country yeah wine country but uh yeah when you're growing up religious you can't watch horror movies because your parents won't be like, that isn't real. They'll be like, that's Satan. And it's very real. And if you invite him in by going to this movie, he's now in you. That's what happens when you kiss another girl. Yeah, that too.

Satan lives on the lips of Olivia in period five. So it's really, yeah. It's like it takes on a different level of panic and fear in my brain to watch horror things. So if you go to a psychic, you feel like that whole- You're opening up. I feel like I'm opening, yeah. Something's going to blow wide open the universe. A little bit. And like a poltergeist is going to come out.

I know it's not going to happen. But it would be great. A poltergeist is going to come out. I know it's not going to happen, but there's a little bit where you're like, even if I have a truly divine experience or something convinces me, then I'm just going to go, well, that was just Satan pretending to be my mom. 10-year-old Taylor. 10-year-old Taylor comes back. She's in you at all times. She is in me all the time. Oh, man. All right.

Well, maybe she'll have a comment on this next story. Are you ready? Yes. She's in you at all times She is in me All the time Oh man Yeah Alright well Alright well let's Maybe she'll have a comment On this next story Yeah Are you ready Yes Story number two Sent in by Josh

I do it every time Mout Mout M-O-U-A-T You got a Mout J Mout I don't know A Taiwanese man

Was stunned Dan This is all you're gonna say Right now Is a snake gonna come up Through a toilet And bite him in the anus? Or is he going to have like 12,000 bugs in his left eye?

Nope. You say a Taiwanese man and that's the first thing I think of. It is always gross. It is always like he went to the doctor and stuck a cobra up his asshole. Like that's what it always is. This is kind of gross. It's definitely unfortunate. He went to the doctor to discover that he was fucking a goat.

A Taiwanese man. What? How do you need a doctor to discover that he was fucking a goat. What? A Taiwanese man. Why do you need a doctor to discover that? Was stunned to find out that his Apple AirPods still worked after he swallowed the device and was forced to dig it out of a toilet. Nope. It's gone. Wait, wait, wait, wait.

My question is, was it the headphones or was it the full box? The headphones. Oh, just the headphones? Oh, okay. The case that they come in? No, the full box. The charging case? So my son bought AirPods with his own money and I was so proud of him. Wow, that the headphones? Not the case that they come in? No, the full box. The charging case? So my son

bought AirPods with his own money and I was so proud of him. Wow, that's a lot of allowance right there. And in like a week, one of the AirPods doesn't work. Shut up! Doesn't work for a month. Now I gotta take them in and deal with it like this week. Why can't he be a Taiwanese man and swallow that shit?

Has he tried shitting it out? Maybe you need to do that, bro. Reboot it. Ben Hsu, I think is how you say it, fell asleep with the pair of wireless headphones still in his ears, but woke up unable to find one of them. This is like when you were playing golf

and you hit a hole in one. Where's my ball? Or you hit it from far out. You're like, where's my ball? No one ever says, go check the hole. Right. You know? And he needed to check the hole. Yes.

So wait, he fell asleep. So he was probably laying down and he rolled this way. Is he Taiwanese berbiglia? Does he sleep eat? I don't know. I sleep in my AirPods every night. So this is terrifying. Do you seriously?

Yeah, I seriously do. And usually one will fall out. Because I have trouble sleeping. I have very intense nightmares. And so I need to listen to some of the comments. Wait, Taylor. I go to sleep too. And usually one will fall out. Because I have trouble sleeping. I have very intense nightmares. And so I need to listen to some of the comments. Wait, Taylor. I go to sleep to a podcast. Me too.

The headphones are in. I'll double up with a white noise and a podcast. Can't you just put your phone near you or near your ears and just play that? No, because it'll give me cancer or something. You know what I do? Under the pillow. You can hear it through when you're laying on the side Cancer through the pillow?

What do you think? You're putting these little magnetic electronic devices In your head Lay it on the nightstand Here's what I understand about Taylor now She does not sleep on any side You only sleep on your back No I do sleep on side, one of them will usually fall out And then I gotta go find it

But I've never had to look inward I was gonna say, it fell out into the mouth of a tiny winnings fan. For a lot of things in your life. You've never had to look inward. Taylor Tomlinson, a life unexamined. Oh, now I'm so scared. Wait, are you going to such a white noise or a podcast? Well, I need at least

white noise I need a fan on. You are a box fan. You're like the lady in the garage. I am like the lady in the garage, and then I need a car to pin me down. And I need to know that my husband doesn't care where I am. And then I can kind of drift off. So you go White Noise and podcast? Yeah, it depends. I try to, I have a fan on, and then I'll do a podcast, but one that's like boring.

Like just like whatever it is. The Nick DiGilio, it's like WGN like whatever it is the nick digilio it's like wgn overnight radio show out of chicago wait no they're just talking about mundane like like so there's a guy it's perfect i saw this recruiting i listen to like michigan football recruiting all right yeah that's really boring no but listen there is actually i saw a whole special done on this there's a guy who does a sleep podcast. Oh, yeah. Like an overnight sleep podcast and it's like so popular. I wish this podcast was as popular

as the people who were like, I need something boring enough. There's people who go to sleep to us, guaranteed. This would be hard to go to sleep to, though, because there's a lot of different voices and everybody's laughing and delivering a lot of comedy. You can't be too interested in what you're listening to.

Otherwise, it'll keep you up. That is 100%. Let's all just get real quiet. Taiwanese guy, AirPods in. She's doing that. I'm not anymore. He rolled over and it just fell into his mouth.

Then he rolled back and it went down his throat. I'm going to go back to the cords. I'm going to go back to old cords. I'm going to go back to old school. You can fish it out. Like scarves at a birthday party. A magician. Was this your card? He woke up and was able to find one of his AirPods.

Using an iPhone tracking feature, he discovered the device was still in his room and heard its beeping sound following him around. So imagine you're like, I keep hearing it. The AirPods. The beeping is coming from inside the body! He said, I checked under my blanket and I looked around but couldn't find it.

Then I realized the sound was coming from my stomach. Inside the body. Oh, he's like the guy in The Dark Knight who's like, there's Christmas in my stomach. One half of it. I have generation one AirPods, so I'm assuming this is generation two. I didn't know that you could do Find My AirPods because I use my watch for my phone. That's one of my favorite things when you can ping your phone and find out where it is.

But I didn't know you could ping your individual AirPods. So this guy didn't have the Simone Biles beats that goes around the ear. Straight up Apple AirPods. Drop in. They're just pods the ear. Yeah, straight up Apple AirPods. Drop in. They're just pods. God. Oh, man. The Navy recruiter from Taiwan's southwestern port city said he did not feel any discomfort,

but he went to the Municipal United Hospital where medics confirmed he had swallowed the AirPod. Now, there's an X-ray here. I can't really see it, but I guess that it's supposedly this. Oh, it's right there. Yeah, I see it. I see it. There's the air piece.

There's the ear piece. I can't see it. Let me see. Yeah, there's the ear piece right there. It's the air. Oh, yeah, I see that now. We'll put this up on the Facebook page. By the way, if you're not following us and liking the Facebook page

and you listen to this podcast, what are you doing? It takes one second. And I'm going to say this. If you're not a member of our Patreon, get on board with that. We do great extra content and stuff. What are you doing? Follow us for stories, things like that. I'll also say... Patreon.com

slash dpt. Yeah. At Dumb People Town on Instagram, you can also see. But if you want to get into it with us and mix it up, you should be on the Facebook page. All right, here we go. They said it was currently passing through his digestive system, saying it would need surgery to remove it if it did not appear naturally. By the way, currently passing through could describe like most drifters in Oklahoma. Most?

Most. Currently drifting through OKC. Doctors gave him a laxative and told him to inspect his waist for any sign of the device fortunately inspect his waist they're saying get into your own shit oh not his waist Taylor didn't you think it was his waist

no you were alone on that one I'm 33 waist 31 length that's all I am I don't understand what this has to do with my weight fortunately the airpod resurfaced when he relieved himself at a I don't understand what this has to do with my weight. Fortunately, the AirPod resurfaced when he relieved himself at a railway station the next day.

I love it. This didn't stop him. He's like, I have things to do. I have plans. Take a dump at a railway station. One pot over the line, sweet Jesus. One pot over the line. If I swallowed a device and I had taken laxative, that's

a snow day. I'm not getting on the train. I'm leaving myself in a railway station, one pot over the line. I'm waiting for this thing to come out my ass, but if you want to go into town, I'm in. But I'm pretty open.

I'm hoping i'm open enough he was forced okay okay that's the part that we're having it's gotta come out the right way you don't want it to come out breach exactly you do what we need to think about and we're already kind of touching on this is where do you want to be when it comes out right because now he's going to be searching through shit in a railway station toilet not your at least your home you could have laid down some paper there's a moment too where like do you ever put that in your ear again and feel good about yourself apparently right well well you can't wash it you can't wash it fortunately the air powder surfaced when he he released himself at the railway station.

He was forced into a foul-smelling search, but was able to pick out the device and found that it was still intact. I don't think your ass is going to break it in half. And by the way, at that moment, you're like, I don't have AirPods. I do not have AirPods anymore. I know that's terrible. I'm going to work hard enough to make enough money to buy another. But I'm listening to your shit and hearing the Joe Rogan experience. Experiment?

Experience? Yeah. I don't remember where I was reading this. Somebody was talking about stuff like things that mortified you. And somebody was like, they had dropped an AirPod on a plane. And the person in the seat behind them picked it up with their bare foot. And then gave it to him and the person was like i've never been able to use it again oh god and you just look down under your seat and you

just watch a toe clinked around like you're an eagle like in a town oh my god that is gross after washing the air also don't be barefoot on a plane That's the other thing too What kind of gross liberties are you taking on this Keep your clothes on Stop doing that I don't even care if you had flip flops on when you walked on the plane This isn't the railway station This is Delta

Which is the railway station of Ireland After washing the air pod and letting it dry Mr. Sue was amazed to find out That it still worked he went toilet sink ear man named sue this is not a real story this is an ad for airpods i mean if ever this is i know the battery was still at 41 percent quote it was incredible he said calling his experience with the apple product magical There's no way it was at 41% because if it was encased in warm shit, then it thinks it's in your ear. That's right.

Okay. Have you ever picked it up with your fingers and it'll start playing and you go, no, you're not in my ear yet. Well, that's what I'm saying. Jay was saying that like it came out listening to a popular podcast. Like a Joe Rogan podcast. It's coming out of his shit and it's like the best thing he's ever heard. But what I'm saying is like in that moment

he should thank his lucky stars. He should drive. He's in Taiwan. Drive a few miles down the road and thank the three-year-old that put that together.

Yeah, exactly. You know what I'm saying? That physically built the ear. Dr. Chen. I call them ear pods. Is that wrong? Ear pods.

Dr. Chen Chai Fan who works works in the emergency room, explained, because of the plastic shell around the air pod, the risk of it causing him harm in a similar way to swallowing a regular lithium ion battery is much lower. Yeah. It's got a coating and a casing. Direct exposure to a battery could have caused serious rupture in his intestines, but obviously.

You just call it intestines? Of course. That was fancy. Yeah, well... Well, I'm trying to keep us on schedule here. Oh, wow. Jesus. Hey, just get back to the story about the ear pod.

If it had been a battery, he would have been in trouble, but since it's encased, he's fine. I just... Is he fine? So, I'm going to ask you three, but we'll get out of this because I'm just curious. Would you go back to using that AirPod? Never. I would 100%. No.

I'd get over it. I wouldn't even know it worked because I wouldn't check. Oh, come on. I would put them on. She flushes the toilet without even looking. It's gone. I wouldn't even. If I shat and I could see it, I'd be like, great.

I know it's out of me, and I'd flush that. Right. Good riddance. Yeah. I'm not going to go getting it. I would pick it up Wash it Put it on eBay Take some of that money

Out of there And pay for a new set I would I mean I do a bit guys I normally We don't I don't do bits

But this really happened In my life I got out of a car This is gonna be On my next hour And I As I get out of the car I did that thing

Where the phone Goes from your lap Where you've forgotten it is onto the road. Oh, God. I'm getting out at La Brea and Sunset. And it goes right into it. And I get out and it falls straight into the gutter. No. And there's like a small film of water there, right?

And it hasn't rained since Barack was in office. Yeah. And I pick up the phone and it hasn't rained since barack was in office yeah and i pick up the phone and i it lands screen down the whole screen's covered in like smudge stuff yeah and i just wipe it off on my pants which would be bad enough and then i think to myself it's fine did phone did it get in the port did it get into the charging thing where you yeah and i this is my phone you blow it out. Right?

You licked it out. That would probably be better. I held it up and I just went... And I sucked the gutter sludge out. I don't know if any was in there. I don't know if any came out. But I did not. I was nowhere near a bag of rice.

How fucking dare you judge this Taiwanese man? I told you I would use this. This is the moment where we're like, he did not have a dad. Dan, your dad left when you were very young. As your adult comedy dads, we're telling you. I am nowhere near a bag of rice.

I cannot afford to lose this phone. Ron La Brea. Sure it does. You blow into it and if it comes back in your face, that's bad. If it comes back in your face, it's yours forever. You turn on your air on your car on full blast, and you go like that. It was in my car. I was getting out of an Uber.

Dan. I know. Guys, I did the math. You find a bathroom in a Starbucks, and... Have you been to a doctor since you sucked up? Every day since, because I have this weird... No, I'm joking. Dan! I have a boil on this weird I'm joking. Dan!

I have a boil on the back of my neck. Dan! Oh my god. I think it's fine, okay? My tongue does not taste anymore. I had to get it out of there. Taylor knows. She has to. A 25-year-old doctor. It's crazy. I now can see three minutes into the past.

But it's not my past. It's whoever peed in the gutter. I think that's who I'm connected to now. I had to. You guys, you had to. Dan, you are the equivalent. Sorry, go ahead. You're talking about this like you were pinned

under a rock in 127 hours. Or in your garage by a stolen cattle. I would have done what I had to do in both of those scenarios, too. I did what I had to do. You want me on that wall. By the way, I think what Taylor is specifically, she's saying like, you're treating it like this was your last. This is it. Cut the red cord.

Cut the green cord. No, Dan. It's not the nuclear option here. I like that you worked fast. You guys ride with me because I will make the decision. What if Dan now has superhuman strength?

This could be Dan's origin story. Or what if Dan just got five new minutes? Your origin story is sucking out the sludge juice to get comedy. Dan, into the Spider-Verse.

You could have been one of the Spider-Men. Dan, you turned La Brea gutter juice into comedy you turned La Brea Gutter Juice into comedy gold. La Brea Gutter Juice. That's also my stage. Guys, we got La Brea Gutter Juice

coming up on the main stage. Right after Shelby Lakes. Yeah, like Gutter Rumpelstiltskin. That's story three. There you go. It's story two. Two and three. I was part three.

We'll have a real one coming up in a second. La Brea Gutter Juice, if you say it three times, Dan will appear. He'll appear. He'll say La Brea Gutter Juice. That'd be cool, too. All right up in a second. La Brea Gutter Juice. If you say it three times, Dan will appear. Dan will appear if you say La Brea Gutter Juice. That'd be cool, too.

All right. This episode's called La Brea Gutter Juice. It's with us right now. All right. Taylor Talmanson is with us. We have one more story. You don't want to go anywhere. I'm sure it's going to be silly.

Can you give us just a little teaser, Dan? Dumb Guy Needs Help. Okay. There you go. Dumb Guy Needs Help. Last segment, Dumb People Town. Stay with us. We'll be right back.

Stick around. Make a sound. There's more dumb people town hey guys welcome back to dumb people town we have taylor thomason here uh dan any dates you want to talk about for you coming up guys uh i will be recording a show for my album on august 10th in Santa Cruz at DNA. So come out to that show. You can go to Daniel Van Kirk. Not far from the Bay Area.

If you're a Bay Area townie and we know there are a lot of Bay Area townies, go to Santa Cruz. Go to Saturday. Two shows. Saturday, August 10th. And then on the 29th, I will be doing my hour here in Los Angeles at UCB Franklin. I believe that show is at like 830. Go to DanielVanKirk.com.

Other than that, you know I'm on the road and doing shows and we've got Brooklyn in October. We're in October and we're going to announce a guest soon. We're putting out a couple big names for Live Dumb People Town. If we fill the first show up, we'll do a second show. Randy and I have a massive show that we want to promote. Just by massive, I mean

the venue is massive. We'd love to not show up and have 60 people there. You won't. Never do. Tinley Park Convention Center in Chicago. It's about a thousand seat room. And we want to fill it. So Chicago, September 27th. That's a Friday night. Come on out.

We'd love to. It's on the south side of Chicago. And just announced that our opening act is the wonderful Nate Craig who's been on this show. He's going to join us there He's got another gig he's doing on Sunday in Cleveland He's going to come to Ann Arbor the next night We're going to be in Ann Arbor for If you go to supersclars.com you can pretty much see us

We are actually, we've booked our schedule All the way through April of next year In terms of stuff And we're going to go out and do some live podcast dates as well We're in the process of booking some of those as well. So if you go to supersclarz.com. See, we couldn't even get sclarbrothers.com. We couldn't even do that.

Really? Someone got that. So we got supersclarz.com. And they're using it actively? Probably not. I think it goes to Tomlinson Motors. Kidding. Son of a bitch.

These guys are gaveling up everything. They're everywhere. So you got anything in the next couple weeks? Yeah. When does this come out? Not sure. A couple weeks from now. By the end of July. End of July anything in the next couple weeks? Yeah. When does this come out? Not sure. A couple weeks from now. By the end of July.

End of July, yeah. A couple weeks from now? Okay. I think in August. What do you got in August? In August, I know I'm in Santa Barbara, the second and third. And then I'm on the Impractical Jokers tour in Detroit on the ninth. Great.

Comedy on State in Madison, the 15 Detroit on the 9th. Comedy on State in Madison the 15th through the 17th. Funny Bone in Cincinnati on the 22nd through the 25th. And then the 30th through September 1st I am at the Brea Improv. I love that I said you got anything in August and you're like

I don't know and every weekend is booked. I'm like everything is booked. I got everything. If you heard a city that you are close to that she's coming in, go see her. All right. Dan, let's jump into Leicester. Coming in or coming to? I don't know what I'm doing.

Coming in. Either way. Coming in or going out. I don't know. Sent in by Goose Goose Duck at Mrs. Bologna Bags. I like it. I love everything about it. I can't tell you what any of it means.

Manchester, New Hampshire. A man was rescued... Is that by the sea? What's that? Manchester by the sea. Yes. A man was rescued Wednesday in Manchester after he got stuck dangling from a tree 60 feet in the air. You are up there. Are you afraid of heights?

No, I don't think I'm afraid of heights. I mean, if I'm dangling, yeah. From a tree? I'm afraid of very enclosed spaces. Do you guys know how high 60 feet is? Very. It's high. Gross. That's like six stories.

Literally. Like, no joke. That's really high. In Austin, Texas, when you walk across the bridge over the, if you walk across the South Congress and you stand in the middle of the bridge, you look down. I don't even think you're 60 feet then. Yeah, it's about 80 feet. Oh, it is?

I think that's about 80 feet, but it's whatever. I've jumped off a 35-foot rock ledge into a river. Did it hurt your feet? No. I was wearing a life vest, so I didn't go down as far as you would normally, but you are in the 35 feet. Where were you? It was in River, no, it was up in Idaho.

It was at the Cincinnati Zoo, and he was taunting some lions. Guys, they needed to be told and put down. This is my biggest question I have, my biggest concern. How much inspection did you do about the depth of the water? He's wearing a life jacket. I'm wearing a life jacket, so I'm not going to go down that far. I need to know. You know that in the Ozarks, every once in a while,

somebody will still die because they don't know that there's fucking rebound. Mr. I'm- to drink the gutter juice out of my phone as concerned about water depth. I don't want to be impaled. I'll die from internal wounds. I didn't die. I did not die. I jumped. There's a difference.

I watched a bunch of people go ahead of me. That was my inspection. That's how lemmings live their lives. Whatever. I just followed them. I didn't wait for. That's how lemmings live their lives. Yeah, that's right. Exactly. Whatever. I just followed them. I didn't wait for them to resurface, but I watched them jump.

I saw them go off. I was just following orders. I just, I stayed in line. Wait, how long were you in the air for? It is an impossible length of time

that you were in the air for 35 minutes. You have a lot of time to do a lot of things in 35 feet. And it was, it is, so if you are dangling

by your feet, 60 feet in the air... Dangling by his feet? I can't imagine. He's just dangling. Dangling, okay. Manchester firefighters rescued the man from the tree in Lafayette Park after he was stuck for about 30 minutes. Oh my god. I hope someone was like, yo, we gotta get this cat out of this tree. That cat up there?

That cat. Daniel LaCourse said he climbed the tree. This is... LaCourse. You're going to know everything you need to know about him by the end of this

half sentence. And LaCourse is basically going to be just another synonym for of course. Yes. Daniel LaCourse said he climbed the tree

in an attempt to recover his drone. LaCourse. Which he got caught in the tree two weeks ago. So this is two weeks of him not being able

to sleep because he lost his drone. Trying to get my drone back. She's never coming back, but that drone is. What's worse, the fact that this guy had to literally risk his life to get the drone, or the guy in the story before sifting through his own shit

to pull out an AirPod. I want Angela Bassett to play him in how Daniel got his drone back. I should not have laughed that hard at my own dumb joke. How Daniel Got His Drone Back, of course. When his earlier efforts... He has to start dating a younger black man just to get that drone. He starts dating Morris Chestnut just to get his drone back.

Sure. When his earlier efforts to free the drone failed, which I hope was just him throwing a stick every day for two weeks. Early efforts. Come back tomorrow when I get more sticks. drone failed which i hope was just him throwing a stick absolutely for two weeks early efforts come back tomorrow when i get more sticks early efforts denotes way too much planning no one's mentioning that all of a sudden in the last two weeks there's been nine kites caught up in there he's like i thought i could kite it down there's eight more frisbees up there now when his earlier efforts to free the drone failed, he borrowed a friend's climbing gear and then looked up, quote, how to climb on YouTube.

This is what the movie Free Solo should have been about. I said this online about Free Solo. Free Solo mission. Free Solo lifestyle. What did you say about Free Solo? Because I haven't seen it yet. It's like an unbelievably incredible movie about a guy trying to climb out of a relationship.

He borrowed a friend's climbing gear, looked up how to climb on YouTube. Dude, you need more than that. And then set out Wednesday to get the drone. He should have read Climbing for Dummies. Men, ask for help. Thank you. Just ask for help. They're too too proud. By the way, ask for help. Thank you. Just ask for help. They're too

proud. By the way, asking for help and getting help is the most satisfying thing in the world. You also give someone, there's a Jewish word called, it's a mitzvah. It means it's a good deed. You give someone else the joy of being able to help you.

If someone asks you for help and you give help, you feel great about yourself. So think about giving that feeling to someone else. In a comedy sense, if you came to us and said, hey, I have this bit and I don't know how to end it. And this is where it goes. And we're like, oh, what if you did this and you did that and it worked? We would feel so much joy for you.

Right. Period. And you would feel great because you finished the bit. Yeah. Come on. This guy robbed somebody of their joy. Yeah. Well, he set out on Wednesday to finished the bed. Come on. This guy robbed somebody of their joy. Well, he set out on Wednesday to get the drone. I'm going to show you guys a picture

of Daniel LaCourse in happier times. And he is... Is he with his drone? Is he on the ground? This will be on the website. Everything you want him to be. He's wearing a virtual reality glasses. I think that's a camera where he can see what the drone sees. He can see inside his ex-girlfriend's apartment. I think that's a camera he can see what the drone sees. He can see inside his ex-girlfriend's

apartment. I hope not. He's got a long ponytail. He's like, I don't need to be a part of a neighborhood watch. I am the neighborhood watch. At first, it seems simple enough. I'll watch

the neighborhood. To Daniel. But once he hoisted himself up And used a large stick to dislodge the drone Things started to go wrong Quote No, Dan, things started to go wrong When he started growing his hair out in the back Right

That's the fact about that Things started to go wrong When he couldn't handle constructive criticism Quote I just didn't expect it to be so difficult of criticism. Quote, I just didn't expect it to be so difficult and take so much endurance. You're climbing, dude. By the way, he could be talking about everything in his life

with that statement. Sex, relationships, working, career. Daniel, of course, his friend called the fire department to help him down. I hope that argument took 20 minutes. Dude, the most shocking his friend called the fire department to help him down. I hope that argument took 20 minutes. Dude, the most shocking thing about this story is that he has a friend. He couldn't grab anything. It's like Magic the Gathering.

But that does bring us back. All you need is a deck of cards and some friends. Deck of cards. Got it. He couldn't. That's where we get into a dicey area. I like the idea that he called his friend and his friend's like only because you have my climbing equipment. That's the only reason I'm going to get you.

Carabiner. How great would it have been if he gets the drone, comes back down, and accidentally leaves the climbing equipment up there? Son of a bitch. He uses the drone to get it down. He couldn't grab anything, said District Chief Mike Gamach, who responded to the call.

Mike Gamach has had a mustache for 50 years. Mike Gamach. And he's, yeah, he's had a mustache for 50 years and he's 62. Mike Gamach. Gamach. Mike Gamach. He watches those auction car shows. Yeah. On ESPN Classic. Mike, Rick Thomas He watches those auction car shows.

Rick Thomasax coin extravaganza. He couldn't grab anything. He wasn't holding onto anything. He was just hanging on the rope. This is from Daniel. Panic set in when I couldn't feel my legs. No shit, Daniel. Wait, he was just hanging on a rope.

Somehow he got the rope up and over. Yeah, and then must have anchored it. Wait a minute. I can feel my legs when I'm with you. So I think he's in a harness. That's what I think. He's in a harness and it's over

the top. So he is like he's rappelling, but he's dangling off this thing and it's probably cutting off circulation into his legs wait damn it it was just it was showing it okay there is he is hanging okay oh my god it's going through a series of gifs and then you'll see there he is yeah so he somehow did get a rope up there and then hung down from it you know on the way up too he was like yo like oh it was just so how many times did he say to himself i don't need anybody yeah it's all you daniel gonna show them look

course you will uh using a ladder truck the fire department was able to secure lacourse's equipment and bring him back down lacourse was okay and got his drone back quote they did everything a lot of things to make sure i was safe which is the opposite of how back. Quote, they did everything, a lot of things, to make sure I was safe, which is the opposite of how you're in your life. By the way, they did everything, a lot of things. Then he walks it back. They did everything, a lot of things. They did some things to help me get my thing.

If they just did a lot of things, they didn't do everything. Let's not forget that there's nobody to save if I don't get myself up there. Right, so I did something. Let's not discount my part in this whole thing. Never did get that aluminum blanket that I've seen on TV. My la rap. LaCourse said he won't attempt a climb like that again. Quote, it was really, really scary, he said.

Never again. Firefighters is the last thing on here, and I just love that the firefighters are like. They have to weigh in on this too. Firefighters said Daniel LaCourse here, and I just love that the firefighters are like... They have to weigh in on this, too. Firefighters said Daniel, of course, likely would have died if he'd fallen from the tree. Yeah. No shit. Hanging head first?

No, it's not head first. He's just like... He might have ended up that way by the time he went down. Oh, man. And there is a moment where you're just like, I am an adult man, and my toy got stuck in a tree and I couldn't go get it down

and I needed somebody. I need a dad. I need a dad to come and get me down. You basically are like a... That's what happens when you become an adult. The fire department becomes your father. That's your dad. You promise?

Because your actual dad can't. You promise? You're not going to leave me? You know what? You know why it's them? Because when you call them, they have to show up. There you go.

Number one. You're just calling them to your dance recitals And like your dad, they only work nine days a month Is that it, Dan? There's the show! I love Taylor Tomlinson on this show You have an open invite This was so fun

Check out her podcast, your podcast Self-Helpless T-Tom Comedy T-Tom Comedy.com fun. Check out her podcast. Your podcast. Self Helpless. Self Helpless. T Tom Comedy. T Tom Comedy dot com. Check it out and look at it. If she's near you and she has a lot of dates coming up, go see her. Go see her and you will love her. Go see Dan.

Support his taping. Go see us in Tinley Park. Let's fill up a thousand seats. And supersclogs.com. Get our dates. No shit. We gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb.

Stick around. Make a sound. Bunker down. It's Dumb People Town. Starbanes Audio. A podcast network.