Dumb People Town - Taylor Tomlinson - There's A Reason You're Here Tonight

Episode Date: June 28, 2022

This week Taylor Tomlinson comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is a battle between a mom and her son's girlfriend. The second story finds an airline passenger with their head stuck where you would not expect. The final story is a classic fight at Beef O'Bradey's.

Skypains Avenue Hey townies, welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population new. Population Tomlinson. Oh my God, Jason. Listen to Jason's voice for Christ's sake. I brought it for it. Hi, Taylor. I went deep into my core.

Hello. Hello. This is like some serious radio energy. I mean, listen. The chemistry bouncing off the three of you. We tighten it. Yeah, Dan has really inserted himself beautifully into our symbiosis. It only took 10 years.

It takes 10 years to form the ability to do a show. And guys, we finally got to the point where it's traffic on the one. Guys, traffic on the one. Now you're in town. You're in town doing shows. What are you doing in town, Taylor? Tell the people a little bit of what they're going to hear. Tell the people where they can come out.

Tell us about that lady comedy. Taylor, can guys enjoy it? Do guys laugh at your shows? I just want to know. You do have a guy on the show, right? There is a guy. The people will come out. They're going to get to hear a guy.

So you're on, and my girlfriend's laughing. I can go to the bathroom and just hang out, right? Taylor, how many local radio are just stepping in it? Oh, I did one where there were these guys who were like, settle a bet for us. local radio are just stepping in it. Oh, I did one where there were these guys who were like, settle a bet for us. We've been talking for your birthday. Should your wife, you know what I mean? And you know what's crazy?

They were talking about anal, and I was so young, I thought they were talking about putting a finger in their ass. And I was like, that's not a big deal. She should do that. She should do that anytime. And they were like, what a finger in their ass. And I was like, that's not a big deal. She should do that. She should do that anytime. And they were like, what? That's really cool. It's okay to play today.

I'm like, year round, that should be a thing. And then they were like, no, we're talking about the whole, and I was like, oh no, you guys are monsters. Speaking of going to the back door, we got a little roundabout by Yes coming up right after the break. She's been doing six shows. You're talking about lady problems. Six shows in one night.

Oh, that's the worst. So happy you're done with that. Worst. Well, guess what? That is just stupid behavior. And one example that we have to encounter all the time, and the beauty is that the world's getting even dumber, Taylor. Our fans send us stories, and then we get to just break into one.

But you do close out your shows with Rich Mullins songs, right? Yeah, of course. Yeah, yeah, Taylor. Our fans send us stories, and then we get to just break into one. But you do close out your shows with Rich Mullins songs, right? Yeah, of course. Obviously. Rich Mullins. You still don't even know. You still don't even know. You don't know. Okay.

You want to jump in? Here we go. This was sent in by Joseph. Is he rockabye? No. No. No. Our God is an awesome God.

Is that? That's his number one banger of all time, right, Taylor? Our God is an awesome God. He reigns. He reigns. Oh, there we go. You know that one. You know.

Nothing feels better in my life. And the Jews go silent. Why is my one finger going up into the sky? It should be a whole hand. A whole hand. It's like dreidel, dreidel, dreidel. But you know that guy on the guitar? Oh, yeah.

One chord, but he comes in on the, here it is. Yeah. Oh my God. Are you serious? I'm fucking so all about it. I feel so connected to you right now. It's the moment we had was just-

I feel connected. We're left out. We're like the ones who made your lives terrible. Anyway, third day is going to be coming in right after Taylor gets out of here. Third day is like Christian Rascal Flatts. I know. Or Rascal Flatts. What I love about third day is like

for so many times in their career, they looked like they were dead and then they rose back up. Yeah. Their career was over. Get in here! Dude, I have a DC talk song in my thing. Oh, there we go. On the iPod you haven't cleared yet. I'm I have a DC Talk song in my thing. Oh, there we go.

On the iPod you haven't cleared yet. I'm more of a Marvel fan. Are we still talking about the same thing? Okay, let's go. Jesus freak, baby. This is sent in by Joseph Gaccioni. Hey. Gaccioni.

At Ancient Wisdom, but it's D-U-M-B. I love it. Okay, ready? Mom. This is the headline. Mom upset son brought girlfriend home, keeps calling 911. Did a caveman write this title? Mom upset son brought girlfriend home, keeps calling 911.

Oh, the mom is calling 911. My son is settling. I'm quick. Wow. But you know what? If you're not going to do anything about it, we'll let the authorities. I can't stop them.

And like, you know, whatever. The husband is like, please do not call 911. Because now then I'm roped into this story. But don't you guys ever have that thing where you're like, someone needs to be called about this, but I'm not even sure it qualifies for 3-1-1? Right. And there are other people that are like,

9-1-1. Absolutely. You got a hangnail? 9-1-1. Zero to 9-1-1. That door's noisy? So how quickly you go to 9-1-1 is a great witness test of who you are.

Like, oh no, I gotta call 9-1-1 right away. Yeah, you're like, is ghost, ghost, sir, 911? No, I bet there's a lot of ghosts. There are people who will walk into a situation, okay? You walk into a situation and just before they get there, 911. Right. Neighbors, bark, barking, dog. Make me hit the one.

You're telling me on dates. Make me hit the one. Fifth time the waiter walked by, didn't even acknowledge our table. 911. Look at this. This man thinks he's already an actor. 9-1. 9-1.

Get out of there. 9-1. A South Carolina woman called 9-1-1 on her son's girlfriend so many times, she got arrested. The mom got arrested. Yes. Self-fulfilling prophecy. The woman is accused of badgering 9-1-1 with multiple calls after her son brought his girlfriend to their inman home spartanburg county sheriff's deputies wrote in a report

so here's my question taylor shouldn't there be a once these calls come in they just get fed into just like a crazy line yeah but the problem is the youngest person on the police force has to deal with that and the problem is, eventually their house is going to be on fire. You can't funnel them into don't even answer. The mother who cried bad girlfriend. Yes.

Maybe this is the part of the horror movie where nobody believes her. The girlfriend is like her head's turning all the way around when no one else is looking. The boyfriend's gone and she's like, I'm going to stab you later. Wouldn't you know? We've all brought people to meet our parents, right? We've all made it to the family dates portion of our bachelor, bachelorette lives.

Wouldn't you know? I don't want to take my girlfriend to my mom's house. This is going to be sticky. Oh, yeah. This isn't the first time his mom's done this. Right? No. This is the first time he made the news, maybe. Right.

Does he have to say to her, now listen, my mom is going to probably call 911. Could you imagine that conversation? Listen, I love you, honey. My family's difficult. My mom may call 911. No, when we come home, when my mom calls 911 on you, it means she likes you. It means she's nervous about the situation. Just let that one slide.

If she does it two or three times, then we got to probably. It's a commentary on her. Yeah. Maybe the girlfriend's calling her friends like, he's really serious about me. His mom is freaking out. His mom. Yeah. How serious?

His mom called 911 26 times. 911 times. And got arrested. And we're still together. So look who's winning. The first call came in just before midnight on Tuesday, April 26th. That's an odd time for the first call. You have to all be drinking, right?

Did she just stay too late? She's like, hello, officer. She won't take the hint. I go to bed at 10. We've all cleared our throats several times. We don't sleep with a TV on in this house. She opened a window. She cracked a window.

I don't like it cold. The first call came in just before midnight on Tuesday, April 26th. Deputies arrived to find a woman, quote, visibly and emotionally upset as well as heavily intoxicated. Okay, so a man wrote that. Visibly and emotionally upset. And he said it too.

You didn't need to add the emotionally. Without looking up. Ma'am, I can see you're visibly and emotionally upset. There's no need to get emotionally upset. And then he probably said the worst words you can ever say to someone who's upset, calm down. Oh, for sure. Visibly. He's like, you know how some bitches say they're fine and you know they're not? Visibly upset.

Visibly upset. Not even hiding it. And there is just a form that is like, of course it's pink just for women on the thing. And there's a box that says emotionally upset. Check it. Give me the girl sheet because she's standing in the door. I need it. Why couldn't you?

Yeah, visibly and emotionally upset as well as heavily intoxicated. What did you say? Intoxicated and upset. Yeah, that's a lot of commentary. Crazy drunk. And you're like, man, she's probably really upset. They found the woman visibly and emotionally upset as well as heavily intoxicated in an argument with her adult son. She told deputies she was upset because he brought his girlfriend home after she told him not to.

This is a classic case of... Where are you guys going to stay when you get here? With you? Don't do it. I wouldn't. Oh my God, no. As the parent, let me just take the other side for a second here. Oh, can't wait to hear this.

I know. They bring this person home and as a parent you're like, I got to feed this asshole now all weekend? As a parent, you just for a second, you're going to be like, I don't know you. But that's as far as it goes, Jay. Yeah. I'm not going to call 911. My son invited her, but I don't know anything about her. The texts are coming from inside the house. The texts are coming from inside the house.

The texts are coming from inside the house. What if she is terrible? That's what I'm saying. She might be. She might be terrible. No one's 911 terrible, but she could be horrible. Have you guys ever gone? 911 is the dumb move.

Not just meeting a person's family, but have you ever gone to anybody's house or a place to stay, and at some point in the like time you're supposed to be there you decided to just get a hotel have you ever been like you know we're just gonna get a hotel no years and years ago i'm sadly in the tough it was like a group thing uh at an airbnb and i was like you know what i'm just gonna get a hotel because it was like ahead of time i didn't like but i was kind of uh i wasn't led to believe that the situation it was going to be what it was and i was like yeah i'm not sleeping i don't want 27 tile floor right no i'm getting a hotel i'm getting a hotel yeah i'm an adult enough to get a hotel at this point come on we're gonna have fun i go trust me

we're gonna have more fun because i got a hotel come on like it's gonna be fun right we're going to have fun. I go, trust me. We're going to have more fun because I got a hotel. Come on. It's going to be fun. We're not going to have fun. I've had centers one time. I did a deal where it was a bachelor party. And I was supposed to stay with the groom. And I was like, I just want to know, is your room going to be like the party room?

Big job. Big job. Well, first of all, I was going to get my own room. And it was in Vegas. And it was going to be free, right? Because I was going to get comped. So I'm like, fine, whatever. And then the groom, who was the only person I really knew, was like, you want to stay with me? And I thought, well, now he's trying to make sure I'm part of the fold.

Or take care of him. Because Dan is very like, I'll take care of the situation. But it was more like, he was like, yeah, I could feel like he wanted me to be part of it. And so I was like, sure. But now I'm faced with this. I don't get my free room because it was at a different casino. And I'm not letting him pay for his own room. So then you're going to be paying for a room.

So now I'm paying for a room and his share of it. And then I go, is your room going to be the party room? And he's like, no, not at all. I want to sleep. I'm like, okay, cool. And then the week of the bachelor party, I donned on me that he was a smoker so i call him i go hey man did you get a smoking room he goes yeah of course i go oh that's not gonna work so i i'm gonna have to get a different room and of course by now my comp has expired so i have to buy a hotel room in the same hotel they're in and uh i was like i'll

still give you money for your room he's like no don't worry about it i go no i'll give you money for your room that's a nice offer i give him money for his room i get my own room which costs so now you're paying for two rooms i'm not paying for two rooms and then the and that night we went out and everything and we like met up in his room and then we all went out and then the next morning i'm good because i know how to like it's 12 i don't you're not gonna get more drunk. You got the IV. And then the next morning, these guys roll into breakfast. I'm like, what happened?

What's wrong with you guys? We all partied in his room. Yeah, we all went back to his room. Dude, it was a mound of Coke. And I'm like, you guys are a mound. That's what they said, a mound. I've never done Coke, but if I am... I've never used the word mound. For candy bars. There were a lot of things I've never done coke but like if I am I've never used the word mound mound for candy bars there were a lot of things I've never done

in that sentence and I was like what a bullet I dodged here I would I know but that so I've had two I guess where I was like you know what I'm gonna get my you know what you could have done in that moment and this is just a suggestion that's just coming to me right now you could have called 911 there is a mound

of coke in my room right now. I am sleeping well. All those guys are arrested. I am sleeping very well. I'm just imagining you in that room with a mound of Coke behind you. No. Just rolling over and pulling the sheets up and being like, you guys can do it.

Can you keep it down a little bit? Can you keep the sniffing down just a little bit? Look, I'm willing to change it to waterfall, but I'm more of a white noise, guys. I like box fan. I like box fan. With a little bit of thunder. It's a thunderstorm off in the distance. Canyon waterfall runoff.

Can you guys just... I know you all have business plans because you're cocaine busy right now. Everybody's rolling calls. Guys, I've got an idea. All right. My idea. Should we call Shark Tank now? We don't need DL.

They don't have a phone number. We don't need DL. While it's still new to us. Yeah. While we're still excited about it. Who has Cuban's number? He's probably here. He's probably in Vegas.

You can't fake enthusiasm. Please stop saying prototype. Please stop saying prototype. Please stop saying prototype. Let me tell you my story. The pitch will get stale. You guys don't understand. Keep it fresh. Keep it fresh.

Keep it fresh. All right. Deputies arrived. They find her all upset. All right. Deputies advised the woman that her son, who said he planned to stay the night before he and his girlfriend headed to New York the next day, had the right to have guests because he lived there.

To avoid any more issues, the son and the girlfriend were told to stay in his room for the rest of the night before deputies left. But that didn't work. No. Deputies were called back to the home

just 40 minutes later around 12.20 a.m. And then a third time at 4.12 a.m. after the son refused to make his girlfriend leave. But they were supposed to stay in there. The cops were like, you stay in the room and nothing's

going to happen here. The call was in reference to a disturbance between the caller and an adult son. Deputy said the woman was then informed that if she continues to call, enforcement action will be taken. They're laying it out. They're saying, don't do it. And she's like, 9-1. Called 9-1-1

a fourth final time around 4.49 a.m. At this point, you are on a first name basis with the cops. At what point does she break up with the guy? To be like, this is having my life. When is the red flag the family? I'm not saying always,

but 3 a.m. 3 a.m. Third call. Second call. The first call, you just say to yourself. But at some point also are you like,

well now on principle I can't leave. Right, yeah. At what point does 911 block your number? Right, right. At what point does she like, I called but it went

straight to voicemail. It's so weird. It shouldn't go straight to voicemail. No, it's just a hello, click. The woman called 911 a fourth and final time atail. It's so weird. You shouldn't go straight to voicemail. No, it's just a hello, click. The woman called 911 a fourth and final time at 4.49 a.m., but she left

before deputies arrived. Oh, yeah. So she split. The girlfriend did? No, the mom. The mom. Oh, my gosh. Where are you going?

She's got places to go. It's a cigarette walk. I'm 4.49. I'll tell you where I'll be going. A cigarette walk? Around the block. We'll be going three Virginia Slims and when I come back. You had a tough childhood.

Yeah. She was arrested a short time later after returning home. So they just waited for her. She came back. What's going on? You called this. I know. The woman was charged.

We'll get out of here on this. The woman was charged with misuse of 911 and booked into the Spartanburg County Jail where she remains held as of Wednesday. We need to come up with a term for that. Okay. So there is a thing called criminal mischief, which just sounds fun. Sure. That's really cute.

So cute. Criminal mischief. It's like an elf fucking up. You know what I mean? But at the same time, if a comic told you that was the name of their album, you'd be like, probably not a good comic. No.

No. But almost there. Your next two albums are going to be great. Oh, yeah. I'm sure you do good numbers at Looney Bin I'm sure You do all the funny bones? All of them?

I think we gotta come up with a name For calling 911 I don't know I'll think about it She's in Spartanburg Which is about 90 miles northwest of Columbia I have no idea why that's relevant Your drunk dial shouldn't be the police. Yeah.

Cop Tease? Is Cop Tease good? Cop Tease is great. Cop Tease is so good. Cop Tease is really good. That's story number one, friends. What if that was your... I wish we knew how...

That's a good CD. Cop Tease, yeah. Filmed at Denver Comedy Works. Cop Tease. Cop Tease, I'll take it. All right, there you go. That is the first story. Taylor Tomlinson is our guest.

We'll find out all the great stuff that's going on with her, how you can watch her special, follow her, go see her live. She's amazing. And all that stuff on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound.

There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT. Before we get into the great stuff Taylor's doing, I want to mention some things we're doing. DanielVanKirk.com, all the dates. All my dates for July and August, West Coast and the South.

Just go to DanielVanKirk.com. It's like the 12th through the 17th, I think, of July. We're recording this ahead of time, so we're locking those up right now, but they should all be there. But just go to danielvankirk.com. Do that. You.

Okay, for us, The Nosebleeds is premiering on UFC Fight Pass. So excited. Six episodes. We love this show so goddamn much. Everyone who asks us wherever we go, when are you rebooting Cheap Seats? When are you bringing that TV show back?

This is really it. So we're excited, and there'll come a point in time probably in august where we will just call upon all of you and all of taylor's fans to just literally write them and tweet at them and be like you got to make more of these episodes and you'll feel that way anyway because we love this show we feel like it is the best progression we could have made to this point but that's coming out shortly that is happening soon we'll let you know how to activate you guys on that. And our Patreon, patreon.com slash Sklub, where there's new episodes and cheaper seats

just to get you in the mood, just to prime the pump. Alright, Taylor, what do we have? New tour dates. Well, you have the special out. I have a new special out. It came out in March called Look at You on Netflix. If you have no idea who I am. Also, Quarter Life Crisis that came out a few years ago. So good. So, thank no idea who I am. Also, Quarter Life Crisis.

That came out a few years ago. So good. So, thank you guys. I appreciate it. And if you go to ttomcomedy.com, I have some club dates this summer. A bunch of them are in California. And then I think I have Spokane, West Nyack, Madison, and I believe Bloomington, Indiana off the top of my head. Theaters mostly?

Yeah, theaters. One night. Next theater tour is in the fall, so that'll start it, which should be announced by now. We're recording this a little early, but not to peek behind the curtain, but they should be announced by now.

That started in October. We mentioned it when we had her on, but do you remember, you and I met at the San Jose Improv doing Douglas movies, and do you remember your show after that when Irene yelled at that woman in the balcony? Oh my God.

I know. We brought it up with her. And she was like, shut the fuck up. That's so great. And I was like, I love this person. I love this moment. So much. Bow down.

Oh, still one of my favorites. And I brought it up with Irene when she was on here recently. And she was like, that woman deserved it. Yeah, but obviously, Irene. Do you know how much it takes to get someone on stage to be like, I'm going to stop my show and tell you to show it? I'm going to someone on stage to be like I'm gonna stop my show I'm gonna stop my momentum to get Irene

to get her to do it that's what's the best part of the story she probably delivered it so deadpan too shut the fuck up and just like calm and it's like

you don't wanna mess with someone like that when she's in that mode because that's how she that's how she exhibits love too oh

we're very close I love you guys that's how she does it. I love you guys. I'm like just the most calm level. I'm like, do you? Yeah, she means it. No, she does.

I like she means it. No, she totally does. I've done mushrooms with Irene. And still on that level? It's baseline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. God damn, that's funny. And I'm like crying.

Like, I would do anything to stay friends with you. She's like, no, no. I would give up my career. Like, you're just like. She's like, I'm as emotional as you are Meanwhile Irene's like What if your jacket had a jacket Which is very on brand

If you don't know Irene you need to go And it's on brand for you too We love good jackets Oh my god I thought I knew jackets Before I met Irene I like to think we've helped each other's jacket game My jacket game goes several jacket game is so tough. My jacket game goes several times.

We have the same jacket. You and I have the same jacket. Yeah, you and I have the same jacket. I know we have like a bomber jacket. That's the coolest thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was texting when I was dating Sam. I texted him once where I was like, I want to wear this jacket, but I don't know.

And he's like, you can wear it. It doesn't matter. It's like little Randy Sklar. Literally. And then the next time I wore it, I like send him a picture from the show and he goes, I heard Randy Sklar wore that. And I was like, fuck off. So I am too scared to like wear it to the store.

No, I'm sorry. But it's so cool. You guys can be the Sklar brothers. So this is the thing. I have to text Jay and be like, what are you wearing? I don't want to be wearing anything in the remote. Do you know how many dumb selfies I take to like be like, this is what I'm wearing. So now I have to put, we have to get on a text chain.

We have to get on a text chain. I'm like, are you wearing it? And they're like, I am. If you guys see you're both on the lineup, you should be like. I will text you. It is a jacket though, Rand.

So technically, I could take it off. So here's how we default on that one. We go, what time did you put it on? And whoever had it on first, so now the other person

has to stand down. It's an honor system or are you guys like yesterday? No, no, you have to be honest about that. I slept in it. I really want to wear it. I wanted it so badly. I think Irene and I have the same members only jacket, and I know I got it first.

I'm not going to say it. You tell her. I bought this first. I bought this first, but I know we have the same, I think we have the same teal blue color. And so you're like, okay. Stand down, soldier. Stand down. We were at High Plains, and Irene found this blue jacket with a jet on the front.

Oh, I know the jacket. Yes. It's so good. She would not stop talking about it. I wouldn't stop talking about it. I know. And then I saw it, and I was like, Irene, you got to wear that. You got to wear that.

Both nights. Every day. So good. Dude, I have the jacket that I'm going to wear on our next special. I know. You'll love this jacket. Pink. Pink.

You're going with that? Yeah, you got to go with that. That sounds like the jacket I wore in my new one. I have pink. I know your jacket. You know a jacket. I know. You'll love this jacket. Pink. You're going with that? Yeah, you got to go with this. That sounds like the jacket I wore in my new one. I know your jacket. You know it. I love it. I bought it a year before. This is an Aviator Nation pink with neon yellow.

There's a joke in there. I'm not going to do the joke. He's a fancy construction worker. There is literally a joke in it that we're doing. Okay, anyway. So let me just say this for those of our fans who are listening to the show who have not caught your comedy and whatnot. Catch the net, baby.

The last time we performed together, I think, or the last time I remember hanging out was during the pandemic at that tennis court show, which I loved so much. Oh, that show was great. Such a great show. Jade Catapretta, you, us. Jade. Who else was on that show?

There were like so many guys. Was Moses on it? Yeah. Probably. I feel like Moses was on every outdoor show. Moshe was on that show? There were like so many good ones. Was Moses on it? Yeah. Probably. I feel like Moses was on every outdoor show. Moshe Kasher maybe? No. Natasha?

No, I can't remember who else. Faheem Anwar. Oh, that's, yes. So great. But I was like, you were like, I'm trying a bunch of new stuff. It was so good and so I just, I love your joke writing. I love it so much. Oh, thank you. your joke writing I love it so much

and Jay and I are like so craft oriented we're like how are the jokes how is it being written how is what are the punches what are the tags like where is it going and you are such a good joke writer I love it so much so for all of our fans if you love us and you love jokes and you love like the

well crafted joke this is like one of our favorites doing it right now. That's so nice. I do mean that. Thanks, you guys. From the heart. And speaking of, should we rip on

some more dumb people? Actually, right now we're going to lift Taylor up in prayer. I believe. I talked to someone recently who had been like a worship pastor

and I was like, what is it called when you play guitar real quiet behind the pastor? And he was like, those are called like little swells and I was like, oh, that's what they? And he was like, those are called little swells. And I was like, oh, that's what they are?

I'm just like, what are those? Are you trying to induce people into it? We needed a swell under that, Ran. When you get to the end of In an Awesome God, and they bring it down, but then the pastor comes back out in his little headset mic, and he's like, if you're here tonight, and you're feeling...

You know what the line is? The line is, there's like if you're here tonight right no no you know what the line is uh the line is uh there's a reason you're here tonight and it's that it's that trilla there's a reason here tonight special it's gonna be called there's a reason you gotta do that i look out and i see a lot of people looking back at me wondering where's my next where's my next friendship gonna come from who can i rely on okay wait wait you're'm thinking about all this wait wait wait your final bit you have to bring out

a Christian guitarist I think you need it I think you need it behind you we should tour together yeah it's an altar call yes

and then like you guys just it's like and you only do churches oh I started in churches I was on shows that ended in altar calls yeah

you know I ended my album with an altar call you did yeah oh my god that's incredible altar calls. You know, I ended my album with an altar call. You did? Oh my god, that's incredible. So let's call it out. And I would go, who's ready to make a change tonight? Who's ready to say, I'm sick of the lying and the cursing and the cigarettes smoking. I'm sick of my parents not knowing where I am because I don't even know where they are.

Damn. Damn. You know this. Oh my god, this is my favorite podcast I've ever done. That is so good. Our pastor would do the thing where he's like, if we can just bow our heads in prayer. And then you go, if you're feeling that way tonight,

raise your hand. And then everyone was closing their eyes and they go, he'd go, I see you. Yeah. You know what I would do? I should see a lot more hands right now. Oh God. But you know what?

I don't care how you hear. I don't care how you are right here. I care how you are right here. Oh God. Damn, you should be a, you could easily be a part-time pastor. Maybe you couldn't even raise your hand, but you're still feeling it. You can say that prayer quietly to yourself.

You can say it in your head. You can say it later in the car. I do a thing in the event where I go, fine, you know what? You guys don't want to raise your hand? I understand you get that. I want you to look around the room. They say it takes a sinner to know a sinner. I want you to point at somebody that you know needs Jesus right now.

You'd see people start pointing at other people. Oh, shit. No, Dan. You're dividing the crowd in this neighborhood. This is the whole end of my hour. I would walk people on this, but I would say if you made it 55 minutes into this and you're walking now, fine. But even a lot of

Christians would think this is the most hilarious thing. Incredible. It's funnier if you're Christian. Oh, because you're like, yeah. I don't even understand it. I think it's funny. Dan, I think you're, Dan is the person who would become a pastor. Dan would become a pastor.

He would become a pastor for a long, for a long form bit. Just to be the man I said. Yes, that was so funny. Part-time pastor, full-time player. That's his next album. That's your next album. That's so good. Yeah, you'd be like the cool, funny youth pastor.

Oh, yeah. The lead pastor was never funny. No next album. That's so good. Yeah, you'd be like the cool, funny youth pastor. Oh, yeah. The lead pastor was never funny and wanted to be so bad. I'll let you drink, O'Douls. Right. I had sex before marriage.

I'm not proud of it, but I did. You guys think I haven't made mistakes? I play drums. I play drums without the barrier around it. I tell you, guys.

Uninhibited drums. Uninhibited drums. Uninhibited drums is next album. Are you a Lucy Dacus fan? Yes. Oh my god. She's like from this world. Look at me. Of course I am. Of course you are. I think of you. Night shift? Fuck off.

So good. Alright. You want to do a second story? Yes. Why not? Send it to Derek Shipley. Now I'm going to say this. Great. Sends in a lot of stories. Yes. This story is so identifiable to me because we all travel a lot.

And speaking of Irene, too, nobody travels less while trying to travel than Irene with all of her flight delays. Oh, I know. I texted her the other night. I was like, just stay strong, friend. It's wild. It's wild. Yeah.

I know. She was late for it. I know. And she had her suitcase with her. Oh, my God. But this is a story. So we've had to all fall asleep on either trains or even I've had the occasional bus where it's just going to be easier to get there. I've slept in a sun patch at the Denver airport.

Yes. Yes. And you wake up too hot. Yep. Why is it so sunny? Why am I sweating? Do I hot. Yep. Why is it so sunny? Why am I sweating? Do I sweat this much? Why is it so sunny

or is someone walking by and is like, 300 days a year. Now that they've redone it, LaGuardia gets too much sun. There are gates at LaGuardia where you're like, it's not,

I can't even sit here. You guys fucked this up, man. It's gorgeous, but it's too much sun. Don't face it this direction. So anyway, slept on planes, trains. Sleeping train passenger

gets head stuck in metal armrest. Oh my God. I heard gets head and I was like, is this assault? Is it the end of it? Yeah, gets head. It would only be consensual. What a headache. Horrible start to an article.

Is this the New York Post? It is the New York Post. Fuck course. New York Post. I hate them. I hate them so much. Don't hate the player. Go back to journalism school, you freaking amateur.

An Argentinian train passenger has been helped by officials after falling asleep across two seats and getting his head stuck in a metal armrest. So he's having that sleep where you're kind of like shifting around a little bit. I'm going to show you this photo. Of him stuck? If I just showed you the photo, we would be able to talk about this for 10 minutes. All right, let's see it. So just think of the times you're like, maybe if I'll just get a little comfortable like this. Yeah.

Right? You're shimmying on a plane. And then you wake up and your knee is different forever. Yes, or you've done like, oh, my feet will just go over the railing into the seat next to me. I can make this happen. So wait, by the way, you can check this on the Facebook page. Taylor. Oh, my God.

Oh, no. Look at it. This is like an episode of Emergency. Look at him on the side. I know. That's the worst. The one looking down the aisle. How did you get in there?

He's like in seat jail. Oh, that's wow. And how many people walk by and hit him with their rolling suit? That concerned aunt voice you just used. How did you get in there? What are you doing? Someone whose dog crawled under the house. How did he squeeze in and he's not able to get out?

Look at him. But wait, wait, wait. He's in like neck jail. And there's a moment where he's going to like try and get out really hard. And you're like, no, no, no. That's probably what he did first. He probably just went to like. You know, they were actually doing this to passengers

who wouldn't put masks on. There you go. Mostly United, but- Yeah, yeah, yeah. The most Asian. Drag Asian. So wait, no,

but the thing about it is I, yes, I want to be on this guy's side, but also like you can't just lean back and go like, we all just use our own seat. Like now you got to go across

two seats. I mean, you got a little greedy. We know how- It started with a lean back. It to go across two seats. He got a little greedy. It started with a lean back. It started with a lean back. By the way, he- And then it went to like, I'll lean into the chair next to me, and then I'm just going to try and lay down. Lay down.

And then I need to- Then this is not enough room for me. I'm sleeping essentially like a king on a train right now. This is the way a king would sleep. And now I've got to go a little bit further, and he went in the thing and got greedy. Head in the armrest. Here's a question. Have you guys ever had somebody or have you done this?

Someone falls asleep on your shoulder? It's on a plane? It's never happened to me. That you don't know? Stranger? Yeah, that you don't know. Stranger. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, I feel bad for the person because they didn't mean to. How many times has it happened to you? Only like twice. And they're out. and they realize pretty quick the the worst thing i've ever seen happened on a plane to me recently where a woman fell asleep her headphones died this is why airpods maybe not the best fell asleep with her airpods and i guess they died or something her phone starts playing an audiobook out loud nobody can figure out where

it's coming from we're all looking around like who the fuck is listening to an audiobook out loud? And finally it gets to a steamy part of the book. Oh! And that's when everybody goes, we gotta get to the bottom of this. There's a child behind us. And they woke her up and she was so embarrassed. Of course. And I was like, I mean, when we land, you have to just end it, right?

Like, there's no way to come back from this. You can't come back. You cannot fly ever again. I am one of those people. I am such a lovey, hugging people that I love. Spurting man. That is the person I am on the inside, except when I'm on a plane. If I am like, I do not want to be touching your arm on the armrest.

I do not want to be touching your shoulder on the armrest. I like try and shrink myself into the smallest being ever because I do not want to be touching your arm on the armrest. I do not want to be touching your shoulder on the armrest. I like try and shrink myself into the smallest being ever because I do not. And people who don't understand that to me are awful. I'm like, you probably treat servers terribly at restaurants. You just don't get it. I don't want you falling asleep on my shoulder. I don't want you even touching my arm for any period of time. I don't know why.

It just bothers me. We always like Randy and I always, as traveling, you know, as a twosome, who's not a married couple, right? We're not, like, on top of each other. We always book the aisle across from each other. No, no. That's what we should do, but we do the aisle

and the window with hopes of having the seat between us. And then, it's always announced, we're in a completely totally full flight. You know how many, like, we're in a completely, totally full flight. You know how many, like, when they put, like, eight adjectives in front of it to let you know that every seat is taken? You're talking Southwest. Right.

We're in a totally, completely, way overfilled flight. Fine. Just say every seat. Just so you know, there's always two. There is? Yeah. So then Randy and I are- It's maybe not holidays, but usually on Southwest, there's always two.

Wow. Okay. So you guys got to link arms and row over it. And then we look at every single person who's coming down, every single 6'8", 470-pounder. Like, this is our person. This is the person who's coming between us. This is the thing.

And then one of us has to, like, switch and go to the middle, and then that person. And it's that person's lucky day. They get an aisle. I'm going to tell a secret. If I'm on a Southwest flight, because I'm always in the exit row because of my status there, so I'm always on first, so I get in the exit row. And then, well, no, it has to be.

The only reason it makes sense. Oh, I'm sorry. You're A status. A list preferred. A list preferred. A1 through 15. Yeah. I get the exit row next to the window, right?

And then usually someone will take the aisle, whatever. The middle stays open, obviously, for a long time. Because no one on Southwest wants to take the responsibility. What I do is when people are coming down the aisle, if they are going to be uncomfortable to sit by or if I just want to see if I can make it. You sprawl out in the middle. Nope, not even.

You give them intense eye contact. Wrong. You guys are playing a short game. I'm playing al out. Nope. Not even. You give as they walk intense eye contact. Wrong. You guys are playing a short game. I'm playing a long game. Nope. You start farting loudly. He blow kisses.

You keep throwing darts at this board, but you're not going to hit the bulls. What do you do? I look down Bible versus Bible versus towards the cockpit.

Right. And I give a wave and I give away. Oh, my God. That's genius. Now, these people next to me are like, oh, his fiance, friend, boyfriend, whatever is coming. And I'm like, right here. I got you.

They're never coming. By the time they go past, they're never going to look back. That is so genius. They're never going to know. That is so, so smart. That's plain judo. Plain judo. Jesus Christ.

And then people keep coming. Now, if you get to that and they're like, we are completely oversold, right? And you know that's going to happen. I do that to the extent of just when it's people who are going to be uncomfortable to sit by. And then once we get to comfortable people to sit by, I won't do it so that I'm at least hedging my bets. But waving to a person who isn't there. And that's why you'll get someone up by the cockpit who just walked out of the plane like, are you fucking waving at me?

Yeah. But they don't care because you're not. That's Queen's Gambit. It's unbelievable. Just give a wave to someone who isn't there. I like to lay down and stick my head under the side of the thing. Yeah, way to bring it back, Randy. So good.

Just so people can knock him. The commuter, who has not been named by local media, panicked when he woke up and was unable to get his head free. The incident was captured on camera by fellow commuter Juan Andres. So now, who are you helping this guy? Do we pour olive oil over his ears and just try and slip him

through? What are we doing at this point? You gotta remove the... Do you touch his head? I don't want to touch his head. He's not my friend. In the clip, the bearded commuter can be seen with his head sticking out into the aisle as bemused travelers looked on. Despite twisting and turning, he was unable to

squeeze his neck back out from underneath the metal armrest. The train was subsequently delayed 20 minutes. I would be so mad at this guy. So station officials... This is a commuter train. Yeah. I'm sure New Yorkers took that well. This is Argentina.

This is in Argentina. So that he could be helped free. There was a debate among passengers. A few ladies said they had to pour oil on his head. I was right! We're back to church. They washed his feet with their hair. Why? That's crazy. I brought him

frankincense and myrrh. Others said a jet of water from where I have no idea. A jet of water? And some people just wanted to put pressure on his head. What? Sit on his face, Cheryl. I'm just going to kick really hard with both feet on the top of your head.

You'll feel it for a second and then you'll be able to get it through. This got posted to Twitter. It was viewed 600,000 times in two days. One person on Twitter said, couldn't stop laughing. Others were baffled as to how the man got his head positioned beneath the tight metal armrest in the first place. Also, by the way, it's a commuter train. The worst. You had to lay down on your way to work.

It's not like an overnight. You deserve all of this. You're assuming he's going to work. Get a better night's sleep. You're assuming he's going to work. Get a better night's sleep. Commuter trains are three types of people. Working people.

College kids who don't have cars yet and they're going for the weekend. And then drunk people who don't live in the city and are going back out to the Burb. So this is fine. Or going back into the city. Oh, my God. For round two. I need to understand how this guy ended up like that one stunned person wrote. But not everyone saw the funny side with several saying they empathized.

I can get there. With the commuters who were held up on the train. They empathized with the commuters. Not with the commuters who were held up on the train. They empathized with the commuters who were held up. Not with the guy. Can you imagine arriving at work and being asked why you're late only to have to give that answer? This did happen on the way to work. This did happen in the morning.

Right, yeah. Right. That's the end of the story, friends. What? Did they get him out? Yeah, they got him out after 20 minutes. Let's look at what he's wearing. It's like a good, it's an old school jean jacket.

It looks like it's worn in weather. I mean, it is old school jean jacket. It looks like it's worn in weather. It is a cool jean jacket. Does he have a wallet chain? Probably. They didn't have to remove the... They got it off somehow. So by the way, I think... You figure it would be able to...

Shouldn't there be breakaway bars for that? Just so you can... You put the key in and you lift it up and then he... You know what I mean? Just one little thing. Or you just hitch it and then pull it out. You don't want people stealing them because kids will take them. Steal the handle bars? Yeah, you know what I mean? Yeah. Like just one little thing. Or you just like hitch it and then pull it out. You don't want people stealing them because kids will take them.

Steal the bar, the handle bars? Yeah, just take the handle bars and there you go. I'm saying you just put a key in and then lift it up. Look, I'm not a parent,

but that seems like a stretch. Oh, I just think like, don't you think drunk people would just be like, like as they're pulling it. Take it. Show it up to the bar like,

got another one. Got another one. Who wants to sit down? You know, but like the truth is that I actually think that if they are taken off, then you won't have

this problem ever again. It's like I need an armrest right here. Right. Nobody. All right, story number two, friends.

Give us a little taste of what's going to be in story number three. It's short but sweet, but we have a fight at Beef O'Brady's. Oh, I'm very excited.

And for Patreon fans, we'll talk about a dumb thing that happened in Taylor's life. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick in Taylor's life. This is Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere.

Stick around. Make a sound for more Dumb People Town. All right, Daniel, take us home. Ready? Yes. This was from a police blotter, so it's pretty short, but it was too much fun. It was also sent in by Jake. I'm assuming it was on Facebook, too.

No. Oh, really? Because that's where the police go to get sausage. This is like an actual blotter. From Jake Moss at Nemlion Nemlion You'll get there Dan. N-E-M

L-O-E-N. Nemlion. Nemlion. Be honest Dan does it matter? No. It matters to Jake to Jake who picked this name that no one can pronounce. Rocking a Ukrainian flag. He did that to me, by the way, by just going at Daniel Van Kirk, hashtag Dumb People Town. All right.

Fight breaks out at Beefo Brady's. Beefo Brady's. Where is Beefo Brady's? Well. Shouldn't it be? Beefo Brady's. I don't want to like. If you told me Beefo Brady's was a soup, like that that is the rival to Chef Boyardee.

Beefo Brady's is at 1860 Barnett Shoals Road, number 101, Athens, Georgia, 306. And I know it's probably someone's name. There had to be a bunch. And I know it's probably someone's name, but I would say you're pronouncing it wrong. It should be Beefo Grady's. I'm like, I'm sorry. I don't want to change your name. Beefo Brady's.

What you're saying is incorrect. Beefo Brady's. O'Brady's. What you're saying is incorrect. Beef O'Brady's. O'Grady's. There's a place in Northern Illinois where I'm from, Rochelle, pride of Northern Illinois. Up in Rockford, there's a place called Beef-A-Roo, and it is so fucking good. Sure, Beef-A-Roo.

Beef-A-Roo is so good. That sounds like a knockoff jerky. It's not like shitty good where you're like, this place is gross, but it's really good. It's good good. Beef sounds like a knockoff jerky. It's not like shitty good where you're like, this place is gross, but it's really good. It's good good. Beef-a-roo. It sounds like what I would call my daughter when I ask her what she wants for dinner.

It's like what Arby's. What do you want for dinner, Beef-a-roo? It's like what Arby's thought they were going to be. Yeah, Arby's. Okay. Arby's. On March 17th. Dean Reams, man.

March 17th, St. Patrick's Day at Beef-o'-Brady's. The 16th was St. Patrick's Day. Is the 17th St. Patrick's Day at Beefo Brady's. The 16th was St. Patrick's Day. Is the 17th St. Patrick's Day? Yes. You silly goose. On St. Patrick's Day, that sounds like the center of the universe. Beefo Brady's. Of this universe.

Yeah. Of this four-mile radius. As the great Matt Pronger said, people are coming in to soak up the night. Yeah. On March 17th. Whatever night you had or day, you're coming to soak it up at Beefo Brady's. Two men were eating dinner at Beefo Brady's on Barnett Shoals Road when a fight broke out between them. So they're together,

eating some sort of version of a Beefo Brady's beef and cheddar. The way this is written, it feels like they were surprised that it happened. Wait, did the fight break out between the two of them? And when a fight breaks out between two dudes at a restaurant, they're holding weapons. The restaurant has given them weapons. Oh, yes, that's true.

They've detached a handle. Right, exactly. That should be the commercial for Beef O' Brady's. It's like, do you need to tell your friend you've been fucking his wife? Beef O' Brady's. Corner booth. You got beef with your buddy? We got beef O' Brady's.

You got beef with Brady? Beef O' Brady's? We got beef with Brady. You got beef with Brady? Beef-o-buddies. We got you covered. Out of 553 reviews, what do you guys think the score is at Beef-o-Brady's? Out of five? If it's over a 3.5, I'll be. Five stars, 553 reviews. 4.4.

4.4? This is like Yoshinoya Beef Bowl. Like Irish Beef Bowl? Yeah. Never been to a Yoshinoya. Neither have I. I'm going to say. You ever been to Jollibee?

No, but I've tried by it. I went once, and it's the weirdest stuff ever. It's like, would you like fried chicken with grape jelly? No, I wouldn't. Yes, it's fried chicken and spaghetti. And spaghetti! It is like what, I think it's Japan? I think it's Korean.

Korean? Okay. It's what a South Korean company thinks American fast food is. It's wild. Spaghetti on there. There's one at Western and Beverly, I think. No, Vermont and Beverly. It's almost in Vermont and Beverly.

And the mascot is like a bee who's standing on legs. Yes. It's not like human legs. And the bee is a traditional bee color. It's maroon. They've thought of everything. They really have combined too many things. All right,

so I'm going to say 3.7 stars. I want it to be 3.4, but I think it's more, probably 4.25. Okay. Out of 553 reviews, B4 Brady's

has a total score of 4.3. You guys did it. This is my podcast now. This is your world. We're just living in it. Pretty good. You want to hear a review?

Yeah. I just love this review. I would love it. Please. I demand you read a review. This is a five-star review. Oh, my God. I ate at Beef O' Brady's.

Not one fight tonight. Five stars. From Mark Mims. This place- Mimsy. This is the place to be if you want some good food and sports, especially UFC fights. There we go.

Come on. I know. Welcome to our show. Here's my favorite one, though, from Tammy Hale. UFC fights on TV or in the booth? Five stars. Five stars from four days ago. This is from Tammy Hale.

The food is so much better that James is in there now. We remember him from Bretts. James? Abby or Abby. She spells it both ways. And I think she's referring to James Beard, but I couldn't remember. Someone needs to go to this woman and be like, no one knows who the fuck you're talking about.

Nobody knows any of your reference. She wrote ABBY or ABI. She doesn't know. Abby or Abby is the bomb server. We lack nothing with her. She knows our drink orders. She brings things to the table, such as straws, napkins, condiments, before we even ask. Has she ever been to a restaurant?

We assume we're friendly. That's what a server does. She is awesome. Keep her happy. Treat her well. So happy y'all have elevated this restaurant. There we go. James, man, he's the key ingredient.

James and Abby crushing it. The Beefo Brady's. That's Abby's mom who left that. For sure. And she doesn't know how to spell her daughter's name. According to the victim. Exactly. She's like, make it believable.

That's right. Is it Abby? Who spells it A-B-I? Honey, how do we pronounce our daughter's name? According to the victim, the two men had gone through how many pitchers of beer? Four. Four. I don't drink. Six pitchers of beer? Four. Four. I don't drink.

Six. Seven. Seven. Wow. The two had gone through three pitchers of beer. Oh, Jesus. God damn it. Still a lot of beer.

That's a lot. Four glasses per pitcher. Started to discuss if they could handle life in prison. This is how their fight started. Lessons per pitcher. Started to discuss if they could handle life in prison. This is how their fight started. To be fair, I'm stone cold sober, and I've had that conversation. What would you do? I watched 60 Days In and just said, nope.

Dan, I've watched it because of you. There is no way. I think I watched four episodes, and I was like, never. It's one of my nightmares. It makes you want to just wear Vans all the time because you don't want to get your shoelaces stolen. Sure. That's the first thing that happens. You get your shoelaces stolen and then you're dead. Just rock some Toms.

Then you're someone's bitch. The angry or the aggressor. Just rock some Toms in jail, Dan said. The aggressor. Everyone will respect you for that. Wait. I'm not here to get respect. I'm here to live.

I was going to fuck you up, but then I realized that somewhere in a more depraved area of the world got a pair of shoes. Yes. Don't fuck with Jeff. He's got Velcro. That's right. The aggressor became angry.

That's redundant. Left out of his seat and repeatedly punched the victim in the face. This is over a fight of if they can handle prison. So is he like saying you can't handle prison? Oh, can't I? Smack, smack, smack. The officers found and arrested the man down the street. The report said many officers

were required to arrest him as he attempted to kick, punch, and headbutt them. I would say this guy's ready for prison. You're gonna find out. He's 100% ready for prison. Yeah, this is like we. He's 100% ready for prison. Yeah. This is like we're on the edge here. So you better – let's figure out how we handle this.

Have you guys seen 25th Hour? No. It all takes place – the movie had a huge effect on me. And I don't want to be overdramatic, but kind of helped change my life. Barry Pepper. Barry Pepper, Edward Norton, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Rosario Dawson. I know what it is. I haven't seen it.

I remember it was scored. 24 hours before he has to report to jail. Right. And there's a lot of like, how are you going to handle prison? It's like stressing me out just to hear the description. I don't need to be drunk to get into this conversation on a road trip with anyone. What are you going to do in jail? It's a two-hour movie of him shoving stuff up his butt.

Right. What's your first move? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are you going to get in? You've got to loosen it up. I think I would survive, but I'd never be me again. In order to survive...

You're prison Dan. Prison Dan is very different than Pastor Dan. Although there's the same amount of butt play. Some people do come out pastor themselves. They do come out pastors. That's how they find out pastors. You're absolutely right. That's how they find their pathway.

Sure. You might find God even stronger in jail. Oh, yeah. You do a speaking tour. You're a mega church pastor. You are like. You're an edgy pastor. In your prison jumpsuit.

Nine tats. Sleeve of tats. Yes. To remind you of where you've gone. Lord, there is none like you. Don't bring it full circle. My buddy Dustin, who goes on the road with me, he also has done churches and stuff.

And he's like, anytime you want, you can just leave Hollywood and go on a church tour. You can go on the prodigal daughter tour. Oh my God. Can you imagine me starting with a clip of me on Netflix doing dick jokes? And then it fades out and I just come out with the mic on like anybody recognize her?

I'm a new me. That was me eight years ago before God came back into my life. You can use your transitions to validate your new holiness. You're repentant. Fully repentant.

That's the other album. Satan has a hold on me Taylor Taylor Taylor Thomas the new me look at the new me that's a show friends

there you go guys I hope you feel saved I hope you feel connected I hope you feel blessed I hope you feel blessed I hope you know what it's like to be in prison

all these things go watch both of Taylor Thomas' specials look at you that's the new one. Quarter Life Crisis. So good both. And then go to ttomcomedy.com and find out

where she's performing and then go see her. Buy tickets. Support. That's how you support comedians. And then go up to her and say like, I heard you on Dumb People Town. And that's why I'm now your new biggest fan. And for all of our fans, we love you guys so much. No shit, we gotta get back to work. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb

Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb Stick around Make a sound, hunger down, it's Dumb People Town A podcast network.