Dumb People Town - Ted Alexandro - The Bank Can Handle This

Episode Date: February 1, 2022

This week Ted Alexandro comes to town to hang with Daniel, Jason and Randy. The first story is about a robber immediately returning to the scene of the crime. The second story is about one woman's love for Kwik Trip. The final story is about a very divisive soap.

Skypains Avenue. make this so listen to our podcast with co-host our man Dan don't be a jerk when the music gets the funny hits and we are gonna take you down stick around make a sound on your downies Dumb People Town

hey townies welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town population you population alexandro ted alexandro welcome welcome to the town man it's a dumb world we live in and we're happy you're with us thank you i have been applying for uh citizenship in the dumb town for many years and i'm happy to see it's official us too us too And we keep reasserting our citizenship throughout our lives.

Yes. Our careers have run a beautiful parallel path, you in New York, us on the West Coast. But at the very beginning, we were together in New York, and you were the very first stand-up set on our Apartment 2F show. Wow. Whoa.

And I remember the bit that did the best on the show that was so great it was one of the classic bits and by the way here were the stand-ups on on that apartment 2f show in 1997 okay it was ted alexandro patrice o'neill okay bill burr bill burr patten oswalt arge bark, Arj Barker. An insane... Jim Norton. A lot of people who quit. A lot of people couldn't hack it in comedy. Am I the only one who's still willing to do your podcast?

Stop it. You just had Patton on. Get out of here. Okay, good. I now say it every time I see one. Patrice won't do it, though. Patrice refuses. He won't return our calls. Ram, because I now say it every time I see one. Patrice won't do it, though. Patrice refuses. He won't return our calls.

Ram, what did you say? I know what you're going to say, because I now say it whenever I see it. Every time I see a cop on a bike. Remember that old, old, old bit? It was like a cop on a bike. What's next? Cop on a pogo stick? Pull over. Pull over. what's next cop on a pogo stick it was so great but it was highlighting the stupidity of that ridiculous concept of this guy we're gonna put him on bikes to make them less protected and it was like oh yeah you get you

get what we're doing here what we're doing with this podcast. Yeah, yeah. And well, let's not forget the tag, the Etch-A-Sketch artist. Yes, yes. Was he going downstairs by chance? That was so good. Well, you know, it's funny you mentioned, I was talking with my wife, that that may have been my first television credit you know i was so excited when i got asked to do that because it was like the hot thing for stand-ups and you guys were like you guys i knew you guys from the city so it was like comfortable too in that sense you know yeah

kind of like a nice segue to to have a credit you know so yeah it was a big deal yeah it was like a way to have a low pressure it was a little lower pressure than going on and doing conan because you know or letterman obviously but it was a little lower pressure because it wasn't like it was live and i know those shows aren't technically live but they're live ish yeah right in front of it on so you get one crack that's it on our show it's like all right if something came up or whatever we could always fix a moment or you know there was enough distance so it was great it was great and and it just it brings me such happiness that we're all sitting here now and dan here's the deal here's the deal ted we get great stories sent to us by our awesome fans there are

dumb ears on the ground they find these stories they send them in very easy way to do it you just at daniel van kirk on twitter hashtag dumb people town and he tells you what's up so dan let's jump into a story, shall we? Are you ready? Yes. This was sent in by Derek, the legendary daddy. He changed his name, but his handle's the same. It's at GameDesignDude.

What does he do for a living? I know. I don't know. He just appreciates. He has walking tours of Grand Theft Auto. He organizes other online players. Somebody probably does that right like how there's walking tours of downtown la like somebody is probably it's gotten so like meta that there's

people being like or if you're like a realist a real estate agent in grand theft auto i mean that's real too do you know people like sell houses that they buy to other online players that's incredible maybe he just appreciates game design, but you're probably right. All right, here we go, man. This is the headline robbed bank, then deposited money in the ATM outside.

Okay. Right. I mean, I don't like, he was being smart, Dan. He thought he was like, if I just act normal,

don't shit where you eat, do Rob, where you bank. That's right. I mean, apparently he had an account there. I mean, I guess you have to have a card to be able to do it, Ted. Yeah, what is the level? You got your platinum level.

What's the level of robbing and going outside? Well, to be fair, the name of the bank was Chase Bank. Yes. All right. Chase and your brothers. The thing All right. Chase and you. Our brothers. The thing to me is, was he like, you know what? I would love to rob a different bank, but I have so much to do today.

I just need to rob the one where I already bank at. It'll save me time. It'll save me time. Dan, what did you say? Oh, is Dan, dress for the crime you want. Dress for the profession you want to haveressed for the profession you want to have? Robbed the bank you want to deposit in. Exactly.

So that means he had an account there. And also, there was a moment where he was like, I should probably put this money away because this is not a safe neighborhood. What if I get robbed? He said, do you think he walked in and the teller was like, Dave, Michael? Like they already. Yeah, yeah. You're going to see me sooner than you think if you're paying attention to the security cameras.

That's right. I'll be right outside. Okay, but can I just say that I kind of sympathize with him a little bit? And I don't know if you do this, Ted. You go on the road. And Dan, do you do this? With mobile banking, we'll go on the road, and you'll get the check for doing the thing,

and I will literally deposit it in the office when you settle up. Right when you get it? Yeah, take a picture and put it in right there. Give me a pen. You guys are way smarter than I am. Now that you mentioned it, that might be my favorite activity, period, is just taking that picture. Taking the picture. And seeing it confirmed. Yes. Right favorite activity, period, is just taking that picture. Taking the picture.

And seeing it confirmed. Yes. Yeah, I can't wait to do that. That, to me, is almost as good as getting a laugh on a new joke. Because it is confirmation that something you just did is valid. See, this is going to sound like a joke, but I think my trust issues run way too deep. this is going to sound like a joke, but I think I have, I think my trust issues run way too deep that even when it says it went in, I don't trust it. I don't believe I hold onto that check for so long until you see it in the account. I most of the time have to still, I just go

wait till I get back to LA and I go to my bank and I hand it to Olivia and then Olivia goes in. Well, then you rob it and then you rob the bank and then you try and put it back. I got you. I got you. Well, it's not like I'm burning the check as soon as that picture goes through. I still have it for my records. So what you're saying is you don't trust the picture process. Is it really there? Obviously it is. Come on, Dan.

We're dealing with big amounts of money, so it's working for us. Obviously it is. Come on, Dan. We're dealing with big amounts of money, so it's working for us. This is where as my therapist would say, this is where logic and fear come to decide. The intersection.

Right. So moments after robbing a Wells Fargo branch in Delaware, they definitely knew each other. A man deposited some of the stolen loot in the ATM outside the bank's front door, according to police who arrested the suspect on a felony charge. He didn't even get in his car and then do the drive-through.

What's the next thing he did? What is the... I mean, Dan, you're really talking about... Probably drove to the police station. I mean, how much easier... How much easier can this guy make? That's right. He's got just ticking things

off the to-do list all the way down the line. He went back in and was like, can I take some money out of my account? Yeah, I need to make a withdrawal. I don't like the ATM. Investigators say, ready for this name, that McRoberts Williams. No. Yes. His first name is McRoberts?

Yes. He's a double lasty. If you told me his name was William Mick Roberts, I would say that is... Even Williams. Williams Mick Roberts. It's a step away from McLovin, right? It's like a fake. It is.

Well, he's basically a Mick Robber. So, I mean, you're close to it. That's it. That's our brother. Thank you. Mick Roberts Williams approached a teller Saturday morning at a crowded Wells Fargo. That's also when you want to route it. You want it. Have you not watched heat Wells Fargo and Wilmington Delaware and handed her a note that read, this is a robbery. I need

how much money, how much money do you guys think now this is what you know, he Mick W Mick Roberts Williams, Mickdub he is robbing a bank today when he gets done he is just going to go out to the atm and put it right back in his account how much money do you think based off that information in delaware this guy wanted on his note ted you are a guest you can go first if you want you You can go last. You can go second, which is a TIG spot, whatever you want. Yeah, I'll hop in on this. I think McRoberts probably, I think he capped out at $100,000. $100,000.

That's enough to write a note. I agree. Sure, sure. Jason? Jay, what do you think? I'm going to go much lower. I immediately saw $15,000 in my eyes, which is which is by the way still a lot if you want money a lot of money i mean you'd want to put maybe seven of that back in at the atm but i'm fine um it's not the biggest

briefcase and and let's uh what is it deal or no deal but it's respectable if you walk with 15 you didn't waste your time right like I think he asked for an odd number. Like, I think he said, give me $57,000. Okay. Like, he needed it for something else, and he just specifically asked for what he needed. The note read, this is a robbery. I need $150. It's perfect.

So his robberies are like atm withdrawals yeah 150 right charge me five because you know the note that's fine right but 150 is it even that's not even worth it no that's not even worth it shoot for the moon you get the top of the fence if you're requesting a small enough sum that the teller says to you, how do you want it, you shouldn't be robbing a bank. Right? Yeah. I feel like McRoberts is not even really a citizen of Dumbtown.

He's kind of a citizen of Sad Town. Sad People's Town. There's things going on with them with you know i the crazy thing is dan like you said if if the teller if you ask for a certain amount of money said i need this money and the teller can tell you do you want some of it in fives right yeah same same that's just too little too small too small if the teller looks at you and goes is this a dare did you get dared like that's you're not you're not or if the teller looks at you and goes is this a dare did you get there like that's you're not you're not or if the teller hands you back your note and says great just put

your account number on the top yeah yeah i'll save you a trip to the atm that's right we can do that here we used to do that here all the time after the 25 year old bank employee provided williams with the cash he fled the bank mind you it, it was crowded. So people were like, where is this person going? Running. Yeah, because who, anybody, if you ever see someone running in an environment that they shouldn't be running, like let's say you walk into Sbarro and you just see someone running. You're like, okay, that's not good. That's not good.

If I see someone running or if I see someone in like an adult sitting on the ground somewhere, you're like, that's not good if i see someone running or if i see someone in like like an adult sitting on the ground somewhere you're like that's not good something horrible just comic i wish i could remember and he was doing a bit where he was like something happened where he realized how uh he was a black person and he realized how like black people respond differently and they were like somebody heard something somebody started running and all the black people just took off and his white friends were like what's happening what's happening he's like that i knew in that moment we have completely different lives but yeah if you see somebody running in a bank leave this happens sometimes i think this recently happened at an airport

where just somebody caused a commotion and it it like trickled through the people like shooter or bomb or whatever and everybody just started sprinting out of the terminal wait wait what was the tells old joke about if you see a guy with his dick out and pants hands down around the ankles running run with run with that man because they're scary shit in front of that person and i would say, about what you mentioned with a person sitting down, that really might have been McRoberts' better move is just lie down with a different sign, like, need help. You'll make $150 in probably a few hours. Yeah, I'd say an afternoon.

Need help. I mean, if you're committing fraud already, why not just say veteran, homeless, need help? You would have made that $150. Steal some valor if you're going to steal money. By the way, I need $150. Just make that sign bigger. Because it's rare to see people ask for a specific amount.

I think you could get... It's kind of like your own, this is your version of GoFundMe and I think people would rise up to it. If homeless people are like, I'm $2 away from my goal, you're not're gonna help me right that changes everything everything oh i'll give you i'll give you the two i like let me help you get there people like putting people over the top not enough homeless people set goals i think is really what we're getting at i think i think we're getting to it right here the 25 year old runs out of the bank but instead of racing from

the crime scene like your average bank robber, McRoberts Williams exited the Wells Fargo and made a deposit at the ATM on the exterior building. The Delaware State Police. I have a picture of this actual bank branch for reference, and you can see it literally. He didn't. He maybe walked

10 feet. We should be able to bring it up. It's not even really fleeing. They use the word fleeing. He stepped outside. It's exiting. This bag is the size of a Starbucks. Yeah. It looks like a Starbucks. It looks like it will be a Starbucks

in like a month. Yeah, right. The Wells Fargo branch and its yellow framed ATM machines we just saw following the ill-advised pit stop. Nick Roberts, Williams fled on foot to a nearby shopping center where he was taken into custody by state troops. So he really wanted a new pair of pants. That's it. That's all right.

And alleged as alleged in a probable cause affidavit, Nick Roberts, Williams told police the money had been deposited and was no longer on his person. So he also thought I don't have it. Once it's in thought, I don't have it. Once it's in there, no one can touch it. That's my money. It's in the vault. You guys got to go steal it. I wish I could help you, but I did the one thing.

I really love to help you on this. That's like going and touching home base and being like, you can't tag me. I'm on home base. Right. Also, can't the bank see that and then like just remove it from his account. You know, the bank can handle this. A detective reported that while no money was recovered from Williams, he was in possession of a Wells Fargo bank card. Obviously. Yeah. Williams has been charged with felony robbery count and is locked up in lieu of a $6,000 bond. I will ask you here and I'm going to let you see the photo

first guys and I wonder if this is going to affect his ability to get a home loan. I just I worry about him in this. Sure, I'll do he'll write a note if he wants one. Okay, good. How old? Well, I think sorry to interrupt, but I think most home loans begin. The opening line is this is a robbery. Yes, right. I mean, usually from the bank when you get back to you. Also, don't you ever apologize for interrupting on this show. We all have steering wheels. You jump in, just double dutch whenever you want.

McRoberts Williams, I'm going to show you a picture and then we're going to guess how old do you think he is? Oh my God, this is the best character John C. Reilly has never played. Looks a little bit like Gale from Breaking Bad, if you ask me. Yeah, yeah. It could be a Sklar cousin.

I mean, I hate to take it there. It's a bit of a dig, but I'll take it. How old do you guys think John Glazer's cousin is? What do you think, Ted? You can go first, Tig, or third, wherever you want. That's so hard because it's almost like the makeover shows. I think Mick Roberts could clean up pretty well and suddenly would look younger.

Late 20s, yeah. But he's got the bedraggled look of a 40-something here. So I'm going to split the difference and say, I'll say 36. 36. I like your whole thought process, Ted. I love it. I think he does look like John Glazer and John Benjamin combined. He's a glazed Benjamin?

Yes, he's a glazed Benjamin. I'm going to say 39. 39 years old. Okay. I think he's 43. I really do. 43. It's some hard living up top.

I mean, we're all kind of losing our hair. The good news is one of you is only one year off. So all of you get to go up a year or down a year. And we'll see if somebody gets it correct. Ted, you want to go up or down? I'll go up one, please. 37. I'm going to go up two.

I'm going to go to 40. 40. Okay. When I say 43, is that what it's in? I'll go down to 42. 42? Okay, we'll get out of story number one on this, and then we will hear everything that Ted Alexandro is up to,

as well as us, but I'll tell you first. By the way, I just can't believe that a parent named this guy Mick Roberts. I think he named himself. What are we going to call him, hon? What does he look like? He looks like the Mick Roberts kid. All right we going to call him, hon? What does he look like? He looks like the McRoberts kid. All right, let's call him McRoberts. McRoberts Williams is 44 years old.

Oh, man. You didn't trust yourself the wrong way. In that case, he looks pretty good. Always bet the over. Always bet the over. All right, that's story number one, my friends. Story number one. We got Ted Alexander with us. The great Ted Alexander. One of our favorite stand-ups in the over. Always bet the over. All right, that's story number one, my friends. Story number one. We got Ted Alexander with us.

The great Ted Alexander. One of our favorite stand-ups in the world. And we'll talk about what he's doing on the other side of the break. It's Dumb People Town. Don't go anywhere. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the show. We got Ted Alexander with us. If you want to see him do stand-up, how can people do that? First of all, they should follow you on social and let them know how they can follow you. Yeah, folks can follow me at Ted Alexander. And I am currently touring with Jim Gaffigan all over the United States. Great.

So, yeah, you can check out my dates, check out Jim Gaffigan's dates. We'll both be there. So yeah, we're all over the country. So that is a great show. And I'm sure doing that concert, a lot of people, and doing that tour, a lot of people are turned on to you.

I'm sure his fans, number one, love you because he's got great fans. I thought you were going gonna say turned on by me by you well and that's a given that is okay thank you thank you by you how fun is it to get into that sweet spot of like what do you do 20 or 30 how much do you do in that show it is the sweet spot it's it's uh usually 20 yeah it but it can be even 15 sometimes if he's getting ready to shoot a special he, he'll stretch and do a little more and I'll do a little less, but it's typically 20. But you're right. I mean,

that's exactly what it is. It's the sweet spot. And, you know, it's funny. I've been touring with Jim for probably like six years now. Yeah. And there were times where it's like, you know, am I kind of like shortchanging myself or should I be doing more of my own dates? kind of like shortchanging myself or should I be doing more of my own dates? But I think I've made my peace over time with what you guys are saying. It exposes me because we're playing arenas, man. We play the Utah Jazz Arena. We play the Trailblazers. How do you do stand-up?

I mean, do you have to wait for the response? I bet that's a whole different timing system. It is a little different, yeah. And sometimes it's even in the round in like in utah when we we did uh i think it's called the vivint smart center yeah yeah right uh so that was like 15 000 people and it was in the round so both the size of the venue and the fact that it's in the round that's something you have to learn you know i mean you guys know how it is even you know with big spaces uh or even like when you're starting out with comedy clubs.

Right. Like you're comfortable in certain spaces. You come up through certain rooms, but then you have to kind of learn how to take it anywhere. But even, yeah, there was a learning curve with these enormous places. Now, you know, strangely enough, it feels as comfortable as going anywhere because I've done it a lot. But but it does take a little time. When you come off the road from that and, like, let's say you go hit the cellar, is it like what is – how do you wrap your mind around that, coming back in that outfit, you know?

Well, yeah. I mean, you guys know how it is. Like when you – it's almost equivalent to doing, like, the Tonight Show and then the next night or if you're foolish the same night you do a set at some little shithole or or just some club even it just can't you know you're on that high and it can't compare um but you gotta get your brain around it that's right but also you know the the longer you've done this, you can pretty much seamlessly transition in either direction. You can go from the 15-person room to the 15,000 or vice versa. is and you don't make the mistake that i think young comics make and i probably made it on 2f uh of trying to you try to be too big and you try to have so much energy um but you know the older you get and you learn your voice you learn your style and you learn how to adapt to what's going

on you trust yourself on stage which is such a great thing too it's it's funny you talk about like the size of rooms and being a an act of two people it's interesting because the comedy seller physically is set up terribly for us because you got a lot of people on either side so if there's people on my left side they're not seeing all the things that jay is saying if we're together at the same spot so we have to kind of understand how to allow someone to step out a little bit it's like this weird physical yeah there's choreography in a sense for you guys a little yeah for a room like that because you want to make sure that everybody's seeing what one person is saying so they're not like who's saying that what you know what i mean like i'm missing half of this thing right now and you're

playing to like 20 people who can see you straight on which is not the way it should be interesting yeah no that's so true. I mean, yeah, that's even more interesting with a duo that you guys have to be aware of that so that folks know where it's coming from. Yeah, and just that room specifically. We should let Dan at danielvankirk.com. Yeah, for sure.

I think this is dropping like Tuesday the 1st or something like that. So I'll be at the improv on Thursday night and then I'll be in Houston. I'm going there to work new stuff as my tour should start back up in March. So I'll be like the 16th to the 20th. I'll be in Houston doing new material, working new stuff. And then at the end of the month I'm doing jam in the van and uh, I think one or two other shows locally in LA too. And then the tour starts in March. Everything is up at danielvankirk.com as long as long.

Wait, what am I trying to say? As well as digital shows where we play bingo and hang out and do fun games and stuff like that. So fun. I love that. I love those. danielvankirk.com.

For us, just a quick things. We'll be in DC at the comedy loft. Have you ever done that room, Ted? It's an amazing room. The comedy loft. I've heard good things. Haven't been spot. Just right around DuPont circle, We'll be in DC at the Comedy Loft. Have you ever done that room, Ted? It's an amazing room, the Comedy Loft. No, I've heard good things.

Haven't been. Just right around DuPont Circle, kind of in a cool area. And it's a great room. It kind of feels like it's been around forever. It's got this really old vibe. And the people who run it are great. So we'll be there February 10th through the 12th. And with our buddy Nate Fridson, who's a great comic.

Oh, love Nate. Love him. And his fiancee. She's going to open. He's going to feature. We're going to do the whole thing. So Allison's great.. Oh, love Nate. Love him. And his fiancee, she's going to open. He's going to feature. We're going to do the whole thing. So Allison's great. So those shows are going to be amazing.

We'll be in Cleveland at the end of March, and then Moon Tower in April, and then at the Crocodile in Seattle in May. And then we're working on a June date, too, that we might do before I head out of town. But we've got the Patreon, new episodes of Cheap Seats. And we've been in the writer's room for the last two weeks or three weeks with Dan and

veritable other people working on the nosebleeds, which was our old show. Cheap seats rebooted for the UFC. It's going to be on UFC fight pass. Cannot wait. These shows are incredible. The sketches are going to be so much fun. All of it.

Really fun. We feel like we're, we're getting a second bite of this app for And for anybody who wonders, we did write a sketch where I talk like this. I don't know if it would be me, but that's how the person's supposed to talk. Dan, you're going to do it because it kills us. We'll find out. Either way, whoever does it, it's written like this. God damn it. All right.

So I love it. So that'll happen. All that. Let's jump into a second story with Ted Alexander right here. Yes. Okay, here we go. Sent in by NES Jumpman at NES Jumpman. Our Madison Connect. Been around forever. Yeah. Well, it's right here yes okay here we go uh sent in by nes jumpman at nes jump man our madison connect yeah yeah well it's perfect for this story because the headline is quick trip girl you guys ever hit up a quick trip in wisconsin yeah of course in the south that i think are like with a q or like in iowa and nebraska oh you're. KWIK. I think it's the same company, but this

is specifically about KWIK. I got it. I don't know. Got it. This is like a roadside gas station. Right, right, right. It's like you're flying, Jay. Okay, got it. Holman, Wisconsin.

There are dozens of Quick Trip stores in the Couley region and hundreds throughout Wisconsin. But for one on Alaska woman, I tried her stop at the quick trip located at 1550 South Holman drive in Holman is just another day at the office. I'm Cassandra burger. The quick trip girl burger says why, why is burger known as a quick trip girl? Because I'm obsessed with quick trip. I don't know that I've ever been. I don't even know if I could be obsessed with a gas station. Now you guys can tell me I'm nuts if you want. And maybe this is, we worked at GAD. Jay and I worked at Clark. Okay. But I am obsessed with the like breakfast pizza

at Casey's. Do you guys have Casey's in around St. Louis? Have you ever had breakfast pizza? Have you ever been on the road and ever had a breakfast pizza from a Casey's gas station? I don't think it is legitimately like it's what is on a breakfast. This should not be this good. What is it? Egg sausage. What's on it?

Yeah. You can choose, man. You want some green peppers on there, whatever you want, but like they have, you know, they have stock ones or It's so good.

One year for Christmas morning, Christmas Eve, we bought Casey's pizzas at the Doherty's house. That's hilarious. I love it. They're very good. Now, when you say you can have whatever you want, this is not like a subway set up at the gas station where you're like, yeah, I want the green peppers.

No, they've got... I'm not making them in front of you. No, they pre-made other variations. It's not... Come on, this is... Arthur... They're not artists, Ted. I'm not making them in front of you. No, they pre-made other variations. It's not... Come on. This is... Aren't there... They're not artists, Ted.

They're not... Made to order. This isn't made to order. No, but there are gas stations in and around Austin that have amazing barbecue. Oh, yeah. There's one in New Orleans that's known for their fried chicken, and it's so good. So let's not poo-poo the gas station. No, no.

Isn't there a barbecue place in Texas that you guys love that's like right next to a gas station? So the barbecue, so Franklin Barbecue, which we're not exactly cracking the code on this one. We're not the first ones to introduce it, but it is a Jew, so I think there is something to be said about that. His barbecue is amazing.

He made Barack Obama wait in line for it. But you wait in like a two hour line, and so you get your place in line and then if you walk along the street away from downtown towards East Austin, about four blocks, there's a great gas station that has unbelievable

food, and knickknacks, and great coffee. I don't even know. I wish I knew what the name of that gas station was i know you've sent you sent people there before yeah so good it's ridiculous okay so you guys work at a gas station did you have people who came in that loved the gas station yes when you worked there regulars regular what cigarettes they wanted by their cough if i remember yes by their cough who it was like there was like a nurse who would pull up and I'd be like, what, Eve 120s? What do you want?

Like a guy come over. You knew at, we got so good that summer that we worked there. Soft pack, hard pack Marlboro Reds. I was like, that guy's a soft pack. That guy's a hard pack. There was a guy who would, there was an old guy who would come in

and he had like a high voice like a woman and he had glasses on which which led me to believe that he was blind i was like how are you driving and he drove an old cadillac like grand torino i don't know what it was yeah yeah and you know with the slanted back with the what is that one you know what i'm talking about yeah el dorado el dorado el torino el dorado and and grand torino is a shitty clint eastwood movie el dorado is where he like points a finger gun at like an asian gang and they all run away right all right so so he this guy would come and he would ask for two bags of ice which were a dollar each and he would give whoever went and got them a 10 and you just kept the change and it was like the

greatest tip ever back in 1990 and 1990 and i just remember that i got so good at seeing his car like on the horizon at the stop sign at the stoplight of the street and i was like i got this guy and i would always and everyone would get so mad at me because i was like two steps ahead i'm like y'all are playing chess you're playing checkers i'm playing chess do you remember the name of the gas station clark clark oil i still have my shirt i had an orange shirt i was like can i get any name on this i want they're like yeah i want to get your name and i'm like no no and i was like i want cletus and they're like why i'm like because i think that's funny it's like a funny thing so i ordered it they misspelled it i guess they thought my u was an i so it was c l e t i s i go and get someone their stuff first day and it was full service gas station

come back to the car i do the thing and the woman looks up old woman and she's like thanks clitoris I'm like stupid idea I don't even know how it's spelled what are you doing here well the moment Cassandra Berger walks into the quick trip she chats it up with some of the store's employees I'm sure they're thrilled to have this over no I can tell you she walks

in and everybody's like oh shit they're like god damn it do you have gas no you want a scratcher She walks in and everybody's like, oh, shit. They're like, God damn it. Do you have gas? No. You want a scratcher? No. Get the fuck out of here.

We're like, there's no one in the store. There's nothing to do, but we don't have time for this. Right. She says she's obsessed with the quick trip. I love hearing what other people like about quick trip. I'm sure gas, coffee, and like scratchers that's it yeah convenience she she goes and hangs like what's the gist she she just goes it's it's kind of her place to socialize it's her cheers it's her cigar bar so she says as can tell, you walk through the store. Everyone's happy.

Like all the employees are happy. That's not. I love her rose colored glasses. I do not want to take that away from her. No, it is not. I love her attitude, but like, and I will say the quick, I don't have to see her every day. The quick trip up of Wisconsin. I've been going to my whole life.

They are all very nice people. Sure. Donuts. I'll take three hot dogs for a dollar. That got me all through high school and college. And maybe in the age of the pandemic, you know, maybe it's you're just pining for that human interaction.

We need that contact. I like that angle. Me too. That's actually a good That's true. That's fair. Berger also does a YouTube series. Even still, they're like, I can't get this bitch out of here. Get away. Well, no, they're still mean, but they're like, I cannot get this bitch out of here. Get the fuck out of here. Get away. Well, no, they're still mean, but they're like, we didn't cuss at her. No, no.

That's their level of like, we were nice. Listen, everything Ted Alexander said is right. We are all struggling deeply with everything that's going on. But I swear to God, get this bitch out of here. They probably have a sign that says exactly what you just said. We're all struggling. Get this bitch out of here. Get her out.

What bitch? Is it 1030? You'll see. Oh, she's coming. She has a YouTube series in partnership with Quick Trip, so they've brought her into the fold. No. It's called KT.

That's Quick Trip. KT Bound with Cassandra. Now I'm jealous of her. Documenting her experience at every store. This is like when I got to go to Chili's. Yeah, Dan. I went to all the Chili's restaurants. That's right, Dan.

You willed your way into like a Chili's. This is what I don't like. They take the purity of this woman's love for Quick Trip, and now we have to turn it into a marketing thing. Why can't someone just, you know? To me, that taints her love. She just wants to tell someone who doesn't want to hear it about her nephew. And now they're saying, can you just hold the corn nuts a little bit higher

so we can see the label? And it's like, this has gotten so corporate. And then they're like, listen, this is great. I love how much you want to show pictures of your niece, but you need three mentions of Quick Trip. Oh, you went to Branson three times last year. Great. That's really good.

But, you know, again, mention the product, mention the fact that the gas is, you know. If you guys knew how many times I've gotten a quick trip salad when I'm from Wisconsin, because it's the only option. Otherwise, I'm just back to bratwurst and fried fish. Fish documents are every experience. She said this article came out in the beginning of December, end of 2021. Well, just not to interrupt you, but all the salad at Quick Trip is farm to pump.

I will say that. It's all farm to farm. And pump to farm. The Quick Trip girl has been to not one, not two, not three, but how many quick trips do you think she made it to in 2021? Ted, do you want to go first? Do you want to go last? Do you want to go in that second spot, which is for Tig? Yeah, I'll go last this time.

Okay, Jay, go first. How many quick trips? I think she's been to 75. 75 in 2020. That's a lot. I think she's been to like 22, which still, by the way way is a crazy amount of like you know what i mean they're probably within a 20 mile radius of where she is or 25 mile radius

there are probably like 10 so she has to go way outside the radius to get to 20 and i think she did 22 okay okay i'm gonna combine our stories and ask how old was McRoberts again? He was 44. That's my answer. There you go. Okay. What if he's exactly right? There are people in Wisconsin getting great guesses in right now. I can feel it.

Or people who love Wisconsin like me. The answer is in 2021, 457. Oh, my God. Guys, she loves quick trip. I go big. Cassandra said, yeah. Burger says she's traveled to star stores as far North as superior. Been up there. I've been to the shipwreck museum as far as East as green Bay. Oh, that's not going to the big city. I think this year I've put on like 10,000 miles, which is crazy, but I thought I was going to say I put on 10,000 pounds. I'm only eating quick trip getting them quick trip curds. That's right. There could have been a new

challenge for her because there's more stores outside of the state. I know, I know burger said no small task, but once she's already proven, she can do maybe in the future sometime. Then I'll do all of them in Minnesota and in Iowa as well. Until that time comes, Quick Trip Girl's journey in America's Dairyland can't end without a proper send-off. 1, 2, 3, see you next time. She cheered along with some Quick Trip workers. I mean, if this is as truly sweet as it sounds, I'm all for it.

I do too, but I would love, if I was in her life, my thing that I would do just to make me happy would be to question her love of Quick Trip as much as possible. All the time. It doesn't feel like you love it. It feels like you like

it and it feels like you definitely have an affiliation, but I feel like I know people who love it more than you and I'm just saying that. Just to get her going on how many she's been. Well, how many have they been to? They've been to like 500.

What? And they've been way, way east of Green Bay. Now, how far east have you gone? I've only been to Green Bay. Well, maybe I'm sure you like it. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't. Maybe I don't. Yeah, just think about how much you love it.

Take a while to think about that. In Ted's world, she's's just really starting to question everything. I mean, maybe there is no God. Maybe I don't like trips or quicks. Okay. We'll get out of story two on this. What is the most amount of stores Cassandra has visited in one day? How many quick trips do you think she has hit in one day?

Now, you know the total. 400 in the year? Yeah. In the year, she hit 457. How many do you think she's hit in one day? Now, you know the total. 400 in the year? Yeah, in the year, she hit 457. How many do you think she's hit in a day? I'll say, I mean, I don't even like the term visit because what constitutes a visit? If you love it, you should be there. For a little while. For a little while.

It's not just, okay, I'm in, I'm out. That's a visit. No, come on. Cassandra, like, come on. It's gut check time. It's gut check time. You're claiming to love it. I'm using your words. Right. These are a visit. Cassandra, come on. It's gut check time. It's gut check time. You're claiming to love it. I'm using your words.

These are your words. Your words. Have you even had a salad? Yeah. Come on. A visit should be a solid 15 minutes. Yeah. Okay.

I don't know. I'm going to say, gosh, in one day, 20, 20, 20, yeah, 25, let's say. I know I'm wrong, but by my definition, that's what it should be. I'm going to say 12. I think that's high. I think 12 is a certain amount. I'm going to say 19. 19. All right.

We'll get out of story number two on this. Also, if you're a member of our Patreon, you're going to have a little extra content with our friend Ted here. We'll talk to him on the other side of the break and then we'll wrap it up with a final story the amount of quick trips cassandra the quick trip girl has visited in one day is 52 what see ted makes me think she's walking in walking out it's not a visit you can't say hi and what can you find she doesn't love it. Someone needs to question how much she loves it. I don't know if you love it

as much as you're saying. You're saying you do, but I'm there. Are you there? I feel like she's going through the motions a little bit. I don't want to criticize her in that. All right, Dan, give us a little taste of what we can see in segment three or here. Oh, Chipotle's selling something, and I could not believe it. I thought it was a joke.

Dan is very excited because he likes to take the little hot sauce from Chipotle. It's not for you to take, Dan, but you think it's for you to take. Alright, fine. And then our Patreon fans, we're going to have a nice dumb story with our good friend Ted Alexandra. One segment left! It's Dumb People Town. I hate that we have to be in separate places,

but I still love doing this show so much. It still makes me excited. I get a little, the little hairs on the back of my neck get, just stand up when we talk about how dumb people are. Don't go much. It still makes me excited. I get the little hairs on the back of my neck. Just stand up when we talk about how dumb people are. Don't go anywhere. We'll be right back. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town.

All right, Daniel, take us home, buddy. All right, ready? Here we go. Yep. Chipotle's new cilantro soap may be the kick your shower your shower needs i'm gonna bring up a photo of this you can see this is real now ted i don't know if you have this but i cilantro to me tastes like soap look at it this is what it's why they did it dan it tastes this is real i'm chipotle i would try this dan i would try this do you want to smell like cilantro no yes i want to smell like a burrito no dan this is like it's it's the same packaging as irish spring

this is like mex mexican fall maybe i don't know yeah yeah it feels like mexican geyser looks like avocado butter to me i was gonna say i say, I'd go guac soap before I'd go cilantro. Okay, I would lather up with some guac soap. Absolutely. It's probably actually very good for your skin. Tastes great. This was sent in, by the way, by a big fan at FYI, you rock. So FYI, you rock.

You rock. Thank you. Some people love cilantro, but others think it tastes like soap. So it's only fitting that Chipotle releases bars of cilantro soap to give your shower a little kick. The new all natural soap boasts a fresh scent and is perfect for anyone who loves or hates cilantro. Is it perfect for people who hate cilantro? Dan, you know how many times people walk into Chipotle and say, I wish they got into beauty products. Yeah, for sure.

You got any food I can lather in? Hey, you know what? The food here is just mediocre. I was just wondering, is there any way, shape, or form? Don't knock the food at Chipotle. It is not mediocre. I will knock it. But do they exfoliate?

Yeah, exactly. I think they should go one better and just have a shower at Chipotle. Yes! And then you point to, yeah, I'll have the cilantro. You know, a little bit of the hot sauce. While you're making my chicken quesadilla, I'll be over there in shower stall too. Cilantro, also known as coriander. I did not know that before reading this article.

Okay. The debate has raged on through multiple social media platforms between fans and haters of cilantro roughly one of them four to fourteen percent of the population is genetically wired to experience a soapy flavor when they eat cilantro why are you genetically wired randy and i'm not because i don't think it is wild because your wife convinced you that you don't like it and you're taking your orders from another human being i don't think it is wild your wife convinced you that you don't like it and you're taking your orders from another human being i don't like it and you are a cog in someone else's machine i don't like it grow up and be a person i'm in the middle i'm laughing because no no i like a little bit of it oh you know what i love you you know what i love in my guacamole a little uh palm

olive if you could just pour a little bit of that in there that would taste great i'm gonna believe you you swear to god it just tastes like soap'm going to believe you. You swear to God, it just tastes like soap to you. I believe you. It does. Thank you, Dan. You're more of a brother. Why would you lie? Dan, you're like the brother I never had. Or the one you do. Bringing up the partner thing, my wife, too,

has the same reaction. She just can't stand cilantro. But she hasn't tried to recruit me. Like Randy's wife. It's not like ISIS. You're not watching me on monkey bars like not eating guacamole here. Those people who think it tastes like soap

have a variation in a group of olfactory receptor genes that allows them to strongly perceive the soapy-fl flavored aldehydes. I tried in cilantro leaves. According to Britannica. I hope that means the encyclopedia has pivoted. Those guys still in business. Yeah, I guess so.

Remember those commercials? Jesus. Our cilantro soap plays into a larger trend of turning digital moments into real life experiences, says Chris Brandt, chief marketing officer. every Chipotle fan, regardless of which side of the great cilantro debate they're on, can appreciate this fan inspired gift. Now you show you guys now before I get into this and you get to guess how much you think it costs for a bar of cilantro soap, we should get it for Randy for his yeah his birthday there is a website i guess that i also found out by reading this called chipotle goods.com and there you can buy chips

and guac slip-on sandals carhartt gear that's how hipster card heart has become remember what your dad walked in slip on santa you put your feet into guacamole yeah so at chipotle goods.com you can get chips and guac slip on sandals i think one looks like chips and one looks like guac carhartt gear which i i will again repeat the most hipster thing carhartt could have ever done and uh other like sweatshirts hoodies and it's all chipotle stuff which is this whole like anti-normcore 90s rebirth vibe where isn't it cool that it looks dumb? I'll never go in for that. Isn't it cool that it looks dumb is a trend now.

Oh, huge. Yes, huge. Isn't it cool that it looks dumb? No, it's not cool that it looks dumb. We'll get out of here on this. The soap sells for how much a bar? And yes, you can order it at chipotlegoods.com. We don't make any money on Chipotle.

I would love if we did make money on Chipotle, but if you really want this soap, you can order it at ChipotleGoods.com. We don't make any money on Chipotle. I would love if we did make money on Chipotle. But if you really want this soap, you can go get it. All right. How much do you think it sells for? Ted, do you want to go first, second, Tig, or third? I'll go second. All right. Good.

I love it. He's switching up. That's right, Jay. You go first. I'm going to say it's $8.95 a bar. Jesus Christ. Ted, what do you think novelty uh just parenthetically i want to say that if i had to buy a food related slipper you could do worse than chips and guac that's like i agree slippers are meant to be like comfort that's home you know like a chips and guac

slipper is a comfort food why not slide your feet into comfort food? I don't know. I kind of lost the steam on there. Fair. I'm going to say this bar of soap is $7.95. I think it's $5.99. Okay. One of you is exactly right.

Okay. So now we get to play the game. Who do you think is exactly right right do you believe okay wait this is really a game of how much you believe in yourself okay that's exactly what this is so ted j you think you're right at nine yes i'm right 890 895 what did you say he said 790 yeah i have no reason to doubt my initial okay so i i think i'm right too we're all sticking sticking to our cilantro two of us are wrong one of us is at ted alexandro on all social media uh go see him if you're gonna go see gaffigan and and also here's what i want you to do for our fans and people

because we have a lot of fans that uh love jim gaffigan here's what i'm literally asking you to do when you go see jim gaffigan and you see ted alexandro i want you to tweet at us this is like what was the thing in what was it in broad daylight like uh abducted in plain sight there's a moment in abducted in plain sight 23 21 21 and a half minutes in where something happens that is just insane and we told people to tweet at us when they when that happened and just randomly all the time we'll just be like we'll people to tweet at us when they, when that happened and just randomly all the time, we'll just be like, we'll get a tweet.

I'm at 2130. You guys weren't kidding. You guys are joking. So I want the same thing to happen here. People who go see Gaffigan, I want you to say, uh, holy shit at tell Alexandra,

you guys were absolutely right. So there you go. Yeah. Okay. Ready? Yes. It is $8. dollars 7.95 is close a walk a time you buy it it's gonna be eight bucks that's right the mets should draft that i

know autographed it yeah that's a little patreon nod if you listen to that you know what that means yeah because if you're dropping $8, if anyone still pays in cash, you're not taking the nickel back, right? No. You're like an old guy with ice bags. You're like, we got you. You're like someone at a rock concert in 2000. You're not taking the nickel back.

Ted Alexander, you are the best. Thanks for joining us. This was such a treat, and I hope we get to do it in person someday or we get to see you out in New York or are the best. Thanks for joining us. This was such a treat, and I hope we get to do it in person someday, or we get to see you out in New York or on the road. Go see and follow at danielvankirk.com. Check out our stuff, follow our Patreon. And oh shit, we gotta get back to work.

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