Dumb People Town - Tig Notaro - A Clive and Kickin'

Episode Date: June 5, 2018

This week, Tig Notaro (Happy to Be Here) joins the Sklars and Daniel Van Kirk in Dumb People Town! In Story #1, a man finds live WWI artillery shell in his neighbor's trash. In Story #2, a retired math teacher drives up and down the neighborhood masturbating out of his van to donate sperm. In Story #3, officers receive a call from a man who is being followed by a pig.

It's a good show! Couldn't make this up. So listen to our podcast jam with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. That's why the music gets the funny hits. We are gonna take you down. Stick around. Make a sound. Talk your downies. Dumb People Town.

Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Tig. I jumped on that. Is that all right? Population. We set it out, put it out to our people.

Who would you like to see back as one of the guests that we've had before? So we pulled you back in. Far and away. That was the only name that came up. You really did. You were at the top of many lists. For real. So frequent.

America's Most Wanted. I don't believe this, but I'm happy to be back. It is the truth. We can't make this up. We put it out there in the universe. You can't make that up. Nope, guys, we can't make this stuff up. I want to try and make it up.

It's beyond our grasp. Let me tell you something. We have created a position in the guessing game of our show that we simply call TIG. We said, Dan says, do you want to go first, TIG, or third? Because you were the first person to ever. I was always asking, do you want to, Dan says, do you want to go first, Tig, Tig, or third? Because you were the first person to ever, I was always asking, guess you want to go first or third? And you were like, I want to go second. I want to go in between now.

You had a pair of one-eyed jacks and you said, split them, I'll go between them. You are canon in this show. All right. Welcome back. Happy to be here. So happy to have you. By the way, can I tell you, I laughed so freaking hard at your first bit. Nothing else.

I mean, I didn't laugh at anything else. The rest is special. But the first bit, I was driving. People have said this before, like, that when they're driving, like, don't listen to comedy. I was, like, driving and kind of watching it. Smart. As I was driving, which was wrong. That's not true.

But it was piped. Driving? You can't make that up. But it was, I can't make that up. Piped in through the car and the first bit of the person introducing you for your first special. Yes. The warm up. The warm up.

I was laughing so hard that like every time my body was spasming, I was like herky jerking into other people's lanes. It's beautiful. You lived through it though. Yeah. I'm here. Okay. I made it. You're here to, though. Yeah. I'm here. Okay. I made it. You're here to talk about it.

And that was what your special was rated? Glad to be here. Best special to drive to. Well, I'm glad to be here. You're happy to be here. I'm happy to be here. I can't take your title. You want me to take the title of your special?

I'm fine with that. Okay. I'm happy to be here on Netflix. We'll talk more about that later. But as you know, Tig, we believe that the world is getting dumber at an unbelievable rate. Okay. It's now, it's kind of like global, it's surpassed global warming in terms of how fast it's- Are we past the point of no return back to civility and intelligence?

I don't know. I mean, the whole Roseanne thing that happened. Oh my God. Unbelievable. This morning. What do you think she was thinking? And we'll get into this story because that was just so stupid. You're like, you do know there are black people who work on your show.

I mean, and just. How did you not think. And how is that funny to her? Yeah, it's not funny. It's mean. But here's my question the the thing that was crazy to me was that people were saying what you tweeted was racist and she responded with muslims can be any race in other words i'm going to ignore that i compared a woman to someone from planet of the

apes yeah that part i'm not going to. We're not going to mention that part, but I wasn't being racist when I said Muslim. Yeah. It's almost like saying when I use the word the, that wasn't racist. So why is everyone coming down on me? None of my articles were racist. A fat jerk.

And they were like, don't weight shame them. And I'm like, anybody can be a jerk. Jerk, yeah. Any size can be a jerk. I said A. I used A. I mean, truly. But I mean, just sitting there, imagine just sitting in your life and this thought comes into your head and you are tickled by it.

Right. And enough to say, I need to share this now. Yeah. I need to put it out there to the universe. Yes. Yeah. I need to put it out there to the universe. Yes.

Do you think if there was a Twitter around back in the day of the original show, that she would have gotten it canceled just because that's who she is? Or she's become that over time? It seems like she's probably gone through some changes. Chemical imbalances. Yeah. I remember Stephanie and I watched the documentary of her running for president. Oh, yeah. And that seems like the perfect combo of a great documentary.

But turning it on, it was just like just like this isn't this is not what i this is not good it was like the national anthem when she came out to sing it and you were like oh she's gonna sing the national anthem now that was good when she grabbed her crotch and screamed you know that was by the way not enough women grabbing their crotches in shows of... Not nearly enough. I mean, if you want to show disrespect, I'm doing it myself. But I do feel like that's indicative of where we are. To see somebody, she's...

Taking off. Yeah, it's the number one show. I said with that tweet she was effectively playing to her bass. Yeah. She is the, it's the number one show. I said she was, I said with that tweet, she was effectively playing to her base. Yeah. Or the base. Yeah. Other people that watch the show.

All right. Well, the world is getting dumber because I'm sure there are a lot of people who are like, yeah, she can tweet whatever she wants. So what do we do? What is our way to fight back? She can tweet whatever she wants.

She totally can. And I actually appreciate the fact that she can, but you work for a company and there are repercussions to the things you do. And that's what it is. The other repercussion is we will come down on you with comedy. Yeah. We'll rain our comedy down. We have comedy hammers.

We'll tickle you to death. We'll tickle you to death. Each of us have comedy feathers, and we will tickle you to death with them today. Dan, do you have a story? I do. I do. Hi, Dan. Hi.

How are you, friends? Has there ever been an episode where you didn't have any stories? Yeah. Yeah. I'll say, Dan, do you have any stories? And you're like, no. Hi, Dan. Hi. How are you, friends? Has there ever been an episode where you didn't have any stories? Yeah. Yeah. I'll say, Dan, do you have any stories? And you're like, no. Oh. Oh.

And then what is the episode become? Then we say, this is awkward. Right. And then we'll just sit there for a few minutes. And then we don't release it. And then you go check iTunes to see yourself shooting to number one. Yeah, exactly. They did it.

Are you ready for this? Yes. We're going to meet a gentleman in this story. What if she had said Planet of the Grapes? You would have laughed. Planet of the Grapes? No. No.

I think you're still off. I still think she... I'm trying to feel like is there anything that she... Why are you a Roseanne apologist? I'm not. Please don't. You're a caveatist. Oh my God.

All right, ready? Not at all. I'm not even a Roseanna Arquette apologist. I'll go that far. Wow. Ontario man finds live World War I era artillery shell in neighbor's trash. Okay, Dan, this is what you describe as every Fourth of July gone wrong or every, it's not a farmer's market or a flea market

that like don't go to the artillery table because something there is probably going to blow up yeah well I mean I talk about it in my comedy

true story my brother Matt my cousin Kenny 9 years old Princeton flea market Princeton Wisconsin they bought a grenade 9

my mom like marched them back there marched I'm very angry very military I stopped They bought a grenade. Nine. My mom marched them back there. Marched? Very angry. Very military. Like, stopped. She's on brand. She's not going to deny their new military life.

Take that grenade back. Take that grenade back. Take that grenade back. True story. The guy was like, they talked me down. But it was it that's what she said

is this a real grenade he said it's never gone off that's not the answer when I say in my comedy that isn't how you tell I love that cause when if it had gone off

wouldn't it have been in millions of pieces right right I was standing there every grenade before it's gone off.

It hasn't gone off yet. She said, is this real? And he said, it's never gone off. And then he said, this is just my bit. And then he says,

I'm pretty sure it's a dud. And I said, pretty sure it's a dud is the sad words you hear at the end of every bad Fourth of July party. I'm pretty sure it's a dud. Any accident that's hear at the end of every bad fourth of july party i'm pretty sure it's a dud yes look down the tube see if that fixes it looking down the barrel of anything is now you're never gonna fix it by looking march over there wait so he finds it

in his neighbor's trash yes what is he? I don't even remember what you originally said. Found a live artillery shell in his neighbor's trash. From World War I. Okay. World War I. Is anyone asking the question right now? Someone hasn't taken the trash out in a while. Or is that a bulk? I'm just asking.

We're going to start with the oldest stuff first, but I'm cleaning this house today. Is that a bulk? Twinkies. Yeah. Is that a bulky item pickup? I mean, do you have to schedule that? No, no, no, but like what are you doing inside your neighbor's trash? I mean, sometimes I'll throw away

like if there's food that I'm sneaking eating that I don't want people to know. Ooh, let's talk about this. As I'm driving home, I'll toss it into a trash can. What do you sneak eat? Just like candy. Like a candy bar. Candy. Okay, do you That's so cute. Isn't it? Do you guys have food hidden around your house? You're someone's father. You's like candy. Like a candy bar. Okay, do you? That's so cute. Isn't it?

Do you guys have food hidden around your house? You're someone's father. You're sneaking candy. I mean, I don't want everyone to know. Do you guys have food hidden around your house?

No, I don't have food hidden in my house. Randy? What about hand grenades? I don't have food hidden in my house. Are they real? I don't have food

hidden around my house. I haven't gone off yet. It's all out in the open. My mistakes are out in the open. I hide my mistake every once in a while when I'm eating gone off yet. It's all out in the open. My mistakes are out in the open. I hide my mistake every once in a while when I'm eating to just eat. And so there's a few open trash cans that I know about on the way home, though. What kind of candy bars do you like? Fifth Avenue?

Nope. Or a bag of peanut M&Ms, the shareable kind. Let's go back to candy bars. Hershey's chocolate. Just like a regular Hershey's chocolate? Yeah, with almonds in it. There you go. That's a solid move.

It's a fantastic game. Send those in. Send those in. Send those in. Send those in to the podcast. We could use them. I can shame eat in my car. Candy People Town.

Candy People Town is a town directly next to Dumb People Town. But Jay is right. Who is going into their neighbor's... But I don't look into what my... The point of my admitting my shame eating was I'll toss it into someone's trash can. I won't go inside of it and be like, what else is going on in here?

Some people are garbage picking. Some people are picking. But your neighbor, like, yeah, there's guys who come around and look for bottles and they're not in our neighborhood. Some people just do straight up. I was just listening to fresh air on the radio we get it

you get it you're smart very smart and that's all I wanted to interject oh okay no

David Sedaris was on and I guess his pastime four to eight hours a day he picks up trash no just on the street yep there's a woman on my street

who picks up trash I bet that feels real good and on some level I'm like I love that you're doing this for the neighborhood. Then she picks up trash around my house, and it's almost like- Why is there trash all around your house? Not a lot, but just- Or she'll pick up all the wrappers that Jay couldn't- Candy bars.

That Jay couldn't throw into their neighbor's thing. Well, I get as close as I can. Hand grenades and candy bars. Hand grenades and candy bars. That's the name of the next episode. That's the next episode. Or that's the name of this episode. No, but they're like- or they'll be like leaves and stuff.

She likes to sweeps up around our house. And on some level, it's really nice. And then on another level, it's someone telling you your house isn't clean enough. Yeah. So there is a little bit of an accusatory. But is David Sedaris, was he doing it so that he could? I think it's his OCD. It's like an obsession.

Okay. And he said he has one of those things he puts on his head with the light. Oh, a headlamp? Yeah, a headlamp, right. So he can do it at night? A little trash poker, yeah. But it's not like I'm going to make the earth a better, cleaner place. It's like, I gotta go do these things.

He clearly knows he's doing that. So he's doing that too, but it is, and it's not like found art. Did David Sedaris find this mortar shell? No. You're going to love the guy who did, though. I can't wait to hear the guy who did it. We haven't even said the first sentence.

All right, let's do it. Okay, let's get into it. It was a normal garbage day in London, Ontario this week. They all are. You go to Hamilton, it's different. Everyone hauled their trash out to the curb and left it for pickup. But in one case, it wasn't a garbage truck that came to collect. It was the local police, the army, and the bomb squad.

That's a lot of people. The army? It's Canada. They sent the army over to London, Ontario. And all of them are mounted on moose. Is that correct? Danny? Is that a correct assessment of the Canadian army?

They just show up on moose pack Is that correct? Danny? Is that a correct assessment of the Canadian Army? Yes. Like they just show up on moose pack. Moose pack. Danny Velo, which is a name you only say first and last

whenever you address him. Danny Velo. Danny Velo. Do you remember Paul Reiser's old bit? Like, oh, this was such a great bit.

His bit about how like someone will say someone's full name, Danny Velo, and you don't know who you're like, who is it? And they're like, Danny. And he's like, oh, yeah, Danny.

Half the information, twice the recall. You know Danny Velo? No, I don't know who Danny is. Danny. Oh, yeah. That's great. Danny Velo lives in the neighborhood and stumbled on the dangerous trash. He spoke with, as it happens, host Carol Off.

Here's part of their conversation. She's always been a little bit off. She's always on. She's always right on. Danny, I'm just going to read the interview, which will give us the story. Danny, what did you see in your neighbor's garbage? Why did the interviewer put his question or her questions in the article? I don't know.

Okay. Well, I wasn't garbage picking. I was just taking the path through the backyard when I stepped over my fence. I almost stepped on an artillery shell. Already. So what do you do? Whose house are you looking into

before you're jumping your own fence to your own bedroom? Anytime you have to jump a fence, you are not doing something that's correct. Right. It's your house. Nobody's ever like, let's leisurely go through this way over that fence. Right. It's your house. Nobody's ever like, let's leisurely go through this way over that fence. Unless you're running from someone that's not doing something right.

Yeah, so you've done something wrong. True. Okay, yes. If you're running from someone who's not doing something right and you have to get out of there. Yeah. He says,

he must have put it there and he should have phoned the police right off the bat. I don't know if he's talking about himself in the third person or the neighbor who left the artillery shell. No, the neighbor who left it should have phoned the police right off the bat. I don't know if he's talking about himself in the third person or the neighbor who left the artillery. No, the neighbor who left it should have phoned the police. But wait a second.

Were you sure right away what you were looking at? Danny Velo says, yeah. I feel like you're reading it like Bruce McCullough's character from, were you sure what you were looking at? When I read this, it was very hard for me to not start doing a Canadian dialect. Seven? There's a girl who smokes. you are looking at? It was, when I read this, it was very hard for me to not start doing a Canadian dialect. One time when I was seven? Yeah. There's a girl who smokes.

I remember that character. I mean, obviously you do. You're doing it. Yeah. Yeah. He says, yeah,

I worked at the Lac La Biche bombing range many times because I have worked as an iron worker all over Canada. He just wanted to say what he's done in his life.

Very impressive. Or you're not great at it if you have to work all over Canada. Like to me, you get a good job and you stay in it and then you rise up. How do you know what the iron business is like in Canada? Well, it's not like stand-up. You're not like, I have an iron gig in Winnipeg this weekend. Maybe you do.

I don't know. I don't know the iron world. The Canadian iron? You're not well-versed in the Canadian iron industry? I should be, but I am not. So every year you go out to- It should be right in my wheelhouse. Lac La Biche bombing range.

They teach you three hours of the most boring video about bombs. When I see a bomb, I knew it wasn't an inert bomb because I didn't see any drill holes in it. It was solid brass, and I knew it was old. There's a point in this interview where the woman is getting information that's important

and she is saying to herself, I'm afraid I asked this thing to, why did I, why did I open this can of worms? We want to see how big this shell is?

Yeah. Look at it. I don't. Okay, don't look. Can you just show it to us? Just show it to us. It will be on. Oh my God.

It will be on. That's a bag of trash next to it. That's a miniature bag of trash. So that shell's actually really tiny. It's like a finger. You want to see it. A hotel bathroom bag of trash. Hey, join the Facebook page.

We have many thousands more listeners than people who are members of the Facebook page. You should just follow the page so you can see how giant it is. Were you worried? So you can see how tiny that bag of trash is. It's the tiniest bag of trash. Were you worried? Did you think maybe it could explode, she asked Danny Velo. He says, oh, yeah.

I had a doctor's appointment to get my shoulder looked at because I cracked my shoulder blade. Again, Danny Velo. Why is he hopping fences? Why is he telling everything about his life that isn't being asked? If you cracked your shoulder blade, the last thing i would say is you know what let's take a tricky fence hop tricky fence fence up my favorite 90s rapper no there was more like beat house music yeah yeah atmospheric atmospheric house music is tricky fence were you worried oh yeah i had a doctor's appointment to get my broken shoulder looked at

because I cracked my shoulder blade and on the way I phoned the police. So I got a phone call and I was at the beer store and he said, what do you...

No ask. No one cares. I know. He keeps going into this. There's just more... He's one of those people who tries to like stuff more facts

into the sandwich. You're just like, we don't need... He just like, we don't need to know you. And wait, the beer store? I know. I was getting Labatt's Blue. They didn't have Labatt's. You mean the liquor store?

No, the beer store. Beer store. I tried to get a 24 case. They only had an 18. We don't need to hear all this. With my cracked shoulder, I can't carry it. I asked the guy to wheel it out on a two-wheel dolly. He didn't have a two-wheel.

He put it on a four-wheel dolly. This is the guy who says to you, Did I tell you about the time I found a military shell? All right, it was two weeks earlier. No, no, no. Start right when you saw it. No. That's when you put the phone on speaker and you go start doing all the things you have to do.

And then you know in 20 minutes we'll be at the store. This girl that I dated years ago, there was somebody that just drove me insane, would call me all the time. Just so boring. Just the most boring person. And this was years ago before caller ID. And I'd pick up the phone, I'd be stuck. And my ex and I would take the phone, and truly, it didn't matter what this person was talking about or how you responded, they would just keep going. Keep going.

And so I go, uh-huh. And then I'd throw the phone across the apartment to my ex, she'd grab the phone, she'd go, huh. And then she'd throw the phone across the apartment to my ex. She'd grab the phone. She'd go, huh. And then she'd throw it back to me. Like, oh, wow. Throw it back to her. And this is like across a pretty good-sized apartment. That's called the tricky phone toss.

Yeah. Tricky phone toss. Oh, that's gold. At least you turned it into fun. Oh, my God. It drove me insane. Because it's like there is a total blind spot. Like your entire life is a blind spot when you're doing that.

They're like a conversational Roomba. You just turn it on and it'll just keep finding its way around this conversation. Oh, we're now under the couch. They don't need you at all. It's automated. They don't need you. Is that the same for people that text and email and you never respond to them? And then those are communication Roombas... Those are communication rumbas.

Communication rumbas. So I get a phone call. I was at the beer store and he said, what are you doing at the beer store? The he in this part is the cops. The cops. And he said, what are you doing at the beer store? I said, well, I'm not going to the doctor

and I'm not going to stand there all day. I'm going to go get some beer and I'll be right back there in ten minutes. He's self-medicating his shoulder. And wait, this is in a written article? Yes. The problem then becomes the problem of the editor. The editor.

I know. This is no longer the lunatic at the beer store. Right. This is a person that's like- The editor is like, fit to print. Yeah. Yeah. That's good.

So you don't want to cut this down at all? No. Yeah. You think it's good to go. And's good. So you don't want to cut this down at all? No. You think it's good to go. And whoever's interviewing this person, they relayed all this information. They're like, well, we got to keep in that he said he's at the beer store and decided not to go to the doctor.

That's referenced, so we got to go earlier and put in the part where he talks about going to the doctor. This is a story about our artillery shell, so obviously we're going to talk about how much beer he was buying and how short it was going to his doctor's appointment. I love to remember he said two sentences earlier he said I had a doctor's

appointment so I called on my way and then two sentences later he says well I'm not going to go to the doctor and I'm not going to stand there all day so I went to get some beer and I'll be back in 10 minutes. Which by the way is the Canadian way to sort of handle everything. Yeah. I'm not going to do this. I'll see you at the beer store. Go to the beer store. Go into the beer store.

Get a Molson Ice. So I get back. So I get back there. Okay. Oh, good, there's more. Yep. Now the bomb is three feet from me. Why don't you know what it is

and you've gone back? By the way, the bomb didn't move. You're making it seem like it's like coming towards you. I turn around and all of a sudden the bomb's three feet from me. Next thing I know. Next thing you know. You know everything.

Right. You knew how you got three feet from it. Next thing. And the police officer, so now he's standing three feet from the bomb. And keep in mind, this is someone who went to the beer store. And hops fence as part of their walk. We're getting a story from a man who's been at the beer store. And he had a trip to the beer store. And hops fence as part of their walk. We're getting a story from a man who's been at the beer store.

We're about to go to another level. And then the police officer drove up with his car right up to me and said, quote, are you Danny from the beer store? And he said, yes. That is now how he wants to be addressed at all times.

I'm Danny from the beer store. No more Danny Velo. I. Danny from the beer store. No more Danny Velo. I'm Danny from the beer store. Are you Danny from the beer store? Yes. And the cop says, where's this bomb? Okay. Where's this bomb you've been talking about?

Right. And I pointed to it. Right where his front tire was. The cop nearly drove over the bomb. All right, that's smart. Two feet away. He backed up and he came over and he took two pictures.

One selfie. Get in here. Get in here with me and the bomb. Get in here. Let's see if we can get the bomb. No, you say it to the bomb. Get in here. Get in here.

Come on. You're too far. Bomb's not getting any closer. That's the thing I know. That bomb's between me and the cop. Before you know it. any closer. Right. The only thing I know, that bomb's between me and the cop. That bomb drank all my love blocks. Ten minutes later,

everything's happening in ten minute increments. Yeah. Ten minutes later. What happened? This is from Beer News Daily. Beer Store News Daily. It's actually from the CBC.

The Beer Store Gazette. As I pointed down to it, right where his front tire was, ten minutes later, the bomb squad's here. Ten minutes later, the bomb squad took a picture. Ten minutes later, I'm not lying. Wisconsin USA phoned him and said, don't touch it, it's military.

According to Danny from the Beer Store, Wisconsin called the cops. A state called's military. According to Danny from the beer store, Wisconsin called the cops. A state called the cops. Which also means that the Canadian police had to outsource whether or not this was a bomb to the state of Wisconsin? I guess they took a picture.

They took a picture and sent it. That's where the Princeton flea market was. We've come full circle. They're sending somebody out here and we sat there for 12, 14 hours until they picked it up. We've come full circle We have And they're sending Somebody out here And we sat there For 12 14 hours Until they picked it up How glad was Danny

From the beer store Glad he went to the beer store Oh my god He waited for 12 To 14 hours He had something to do He was a glad man Yeah

And when you have A bomb like that You want to definitely And you will You want to wait around it Right Well that's what they say We sat there for 12

To 14 hours. Direct cars over to it. Come over. They're going to take it. Full of beer. Look what we found. Are you going to the beer store? Why don't you go grab me some more?

The reporter then asked, you sat where? How close were you to the bomb? And he says, about 70 feet. I made sure there was a big tree in front of me and the police were all the way on the other side of the intersection over there in a culvert because if you're concerned about something impaling you

put a tree between you and the thing so it'll blow up into shards of wood and he says they sat there all day watching that bomb which means if I'm picturing this correctly Danny from the beer store the cops have gone way far away. He's only 70 feet away. He's in between them and the bomb.

They're probably like, Danny from the beer store. Gotta get out of there. No. You know there's a cop who's got binoculars on who's like, do we have eyes on the bomb? We still have eyes on the bomb. Okay, good. Right. Hasn't moved at all.

Do you have any theories as to why there was an artillery shell in your neighbor's garbage? Remember that they keep asking him these questions. Right. Hasn't moved at all. Do you have any theories as to why there was an artillery shell in your neighbor's garbage? Remember that they keep asking him these questions. Right. No one asked the guy who... No one were bothers to ask the neighbor. The people who were renting that apartment, they told me they were brothers. Apparently, they're not brothers. They offered me some empties.

I went over there to pick up the empties. They were kicked out. I heard yelling the night before. And then they had new... What are the empties? Empty beer bottles to maybe go get recycled. I i guess to then have enough money for the beer store and then they had new neighbors in there the next day it looked like somebody was sorting it out i think it was the landlord that's good stuff and bad stuff you know what i mean i have the feeling

this took place in a beautiful neighborhood yes this is what i love picturesque yeah hell yeah i'm gonna read his sentence and then i'm gonna read the reporter's response and they had new neighbors in there the next day looked like somebody was sorting it out i think it was a landlord the good stuff the bad stuff you know what i mean yeah that's what the reporter's done this reporter has like checked out of this story reporter definitely does not know what he means and just was like, we've got to wrap this up. And these two brothers were nefarious. The truck they were driving had no door handles on either side.

They said they were broken into. It was probably a stolen vehicle. This is Bruce McCullough's character all grown up. That's it. Why would they have an artillery shell from World War I? To which Danny Velo, Danny from the beer store, says, Why are you asking this guy? No kidding.

How does a 100-year bomb make it from 100 years ago till today without blowing up? Just like where the hell's that bomb been for 100 years? That's like a military shell that you'd have found in Europe and you'd dig up farmland somewhere, not here in Canada. Anyways, the police told me I broke two records. Dumbest human in Canada. No. I found the biggest bomb by a civilian and i found the oldest

bomb by a civilian i'm sure he's not gonna tell everybody he knows that story no i'm sure the last we'll hear is the last we'll ever hear about that you know why because he's gonna start telling the story but he'll never get to this point before he dies did they they then gave him because now he wants to be known as danny the bomb guy yeah but did they take it away yeah the military showed up and took it and they blew it up there and they have facilities there and the police told me there was a spectacular explosion this guy is still at the beer store yeah jesus no eh? I wanted to make a lamp out of it, he said. Can I get it back? A lamp.

Oh, there will be lighting. There will be bright lights. The movie of this will be called, Paul Thomas Anderson, There Will Be Lighting. There was a spectacular explosion, Danny. He said, no kidding, I wanted to make a lamp out of it.

Then he said, hey, can I get it back? And they said, quote, Dannyy we blew it up this morning yeah but can i get it back okay this is really just about danny this is about his how how can a story about a hundred year old bomb that was put out by the trash not be about the guys who put it out there do you guys want to see danny yes do you want to see Danny? Yes. Do you want to, Tig? Yes. Okay.

All right. Look at him. Oh, my God. His arm is in a sling. I'm surprised. Because of the shoulder. He's holding a beer. He's got a mustache.

And isn't he also holding the bomb? No, the bomb is in a separate picture. I think that's a beer can. Okay, I thought that was standing next to him. Standing next to him. Is that Ben Kingsley? Yes, it's one of his characters. This is the best character that Ben Kingsley has never played. He's arms in a sling and he's jumping fences.

When was that in the news? His shoulder is down. It was sent to me on May 22nd. His shoulder is out, so he's in the sling. Yeah. They did May 18th. Why is he jumping a fence? Wouldn't you need both hands to jump a fence?

I don't know. I just love in the dumb people. Usually when you're doing it, you do. In dumb people town, you can find a military shell, and that's not the most interesting thing to you. Or the dumbest thing. Is that it? Yeah, that's story number one.

There you go. Story one. We start with an explosion of dumbness. A story. A story and dumbness. An explosive beginning. An explosive beginning. All right, that's it.

Story number one when we come back more with the great Tig Notaro this is Dumb People Town stay with us hey guys welcome back to the show

as we mentioned in the first segment Tig has a wonderful new stand up special on Netflix it's hilarious did you mention that? I think we did

we did initially we talked about it at the very beginning happy to be here happy to be here where'd you do it? In Houston. Houston.

Where, what venue in Houston? It's called the Heights Theater. What did it hold? It looked intimate. It was kind of nice. Oh, it was very intimate. There were 300 people there. It was perfect.

I loved it. And also, you hadn't been back to Houston in a while. No, like over a decade, yeah. Yeah, that's awesome. I love that that's we were as we were thinking about where we did it we did our last one in chicago about the same size venue uh we had been there but it had been a few years since we were back so you always got a sort of plan to go to places that haven't heard this material yeah you know that's always a rough thing

of like i really want to do it here but we were just there yeah so if you do it people will be like yeah can't surprise you yeah uh were you happy how it came out uh yeah i mean how do you do you ever watch them or no are you like i can't i can't watch them after i mean i also was you know not that i did the editing but i directed it so i was also just dealing a lot with the material and the edits and sound and everything. Did you do it twice in one night? Yeah. Good. And did you have that thing where you're like,

you felt better about a show maybe on the night, and then you get into the editing room and you're like, oh, no, it was this one. You know what I mean? No, I knew what show was the show. Going to be the spine yeah yeah and you use pretty much most of it from that show that's great yeah that was same with us well although we were wrong because we like thought we got we thought we got i was like us except

we were wrong no but we used mostly from one show that was most of the show right don't you yeah but we went we thought it was gonna be gonna be show too and then we got into the editing room we're like oh my god we're so much more my show one we used your show part of your show one and then the rest of our show too i mean it makes for some weird edits yeah and massive because the stand-up is you but the reaction shots from the audience is their audience yeah our crowd that's beautiful beautiful. It was pretty special. I loved it. And I, again, I do watch a lot of stand-up specials just to kind of see. Yeah, just to see what people are doing out there and see where, you know.

But it is rare that I am like laughing out loud. I don't know. I just see so much comedy all the time. You're out and you're performing all the time. You're telling me you LOL'd. I LOL'd so much. I was slapping things. No, no, no.

Dude. I'm not going to sit through lies. I LOL'd out loud. Yeah. Thank you. I LOL'd out loud. LOL. You laughed out loud, out loud.

Out loud. My LOLs were not internal. They were external LOLs. Okay. No, it's fun. It's great because within this special, it's sort of like it's the evolution of all your stuff put together. There's the silliness that has always been there mixed in with the real stuff,

and now it feels like you've hit your stride. So please, please. Well, I have described this special as being the third piece to a trilogy, which my album Live being the first one when I had cancer and then Boyish Girl Interrupted being when I crawled out of that and was trying to get my footing in life again. And then this third piece, Happy to Be Here, is my life now. And it's good. I mean, life now and and it's good

it is I mean life is good life is good and that comes through but it also but here's the thing about it for people who say you have to have

all this turbulence and shittiness in your life to make something that's funny and art I think this special kind of serves as like

no see I don't buy into that I don't buy into that either you have to be miserable to be funny no no because you find what's funny just even in kind of serves as like, no. See, I don't buy into that. I don't buy into that either. You have to be miserable to be. Funny. No.

No, because you find what's funny, just even in then, I don't want to give it away, but even the things you find about your wife, like asking you things, it's such a simple premise. Well, right. I wouldn't need to,

I don't need to be having the worst time of my life to recognize that what she just said and what just happened is. Your reaction to just the setup of it is like it's a perfect tidbit. The question that gets asked you that, by the way, everybody, my wife asked me things that I'm sitting there going like, are you fucking kidding me? Are you? How am I supposed to have that information? Every day. But there's a setup.

And now it's like but but here come that's my attitude and like all of your but again it's set up perfectly for a tig reaction so you just have all the time in the world to react to it the way you would have reacted to in that moment it's a perfectly crafted bit that isn't born out of like tons of strife it's just what we live with on a day-to-day basis stephanie and i were at paul simon last night yeah at the hollywood bowl she asked me and he has like a 14 piece band and you know there's the trumpet and the cello and all this stuff. And she turns and asks, do the musicians have, and this is good,

this could sound stupid, but she's the smartest person I know. Yeah, she's super smart. So smart. She said, do the musicians have to move their body to make the music that they're making? Like, do they,

the instrument, like to play the instrument, do they have to move their body like that? It's like, what? No! No, they're, like, feeling the music, you know? Yes, they're enjoying it. It's part of the show.

They don't have to. Yeah, but she's, like, the way that, you know, they're, like, jerking a bit. She thinks they're making the sounds by jerking in that way. By making the physical motions. That that physical motion is somehow, she doesn't, she was just asking.

Is that, and I'm just like, no. Here we go. No. Two new bit, two new tags on the bit. Two new tags on that old bit.

We need to cut that out. Yeah. I love it because again, that happens all the time and there's a moment where sometimes I'll ask a question and ask those questions all the time. As it's coming out of my mouth, I'm it because, again, that happens all the time. And there's a moment where sometimes I'll ask a question. Oh, I ask those questions all the time.

As it's coming out of my mouth, I'm just like. Nope. Well, there's a moment where I'll ask a question about something and my wife will say the one thing that, to me, gets me the most riled up. This is the one phrase that gets me more riled up than any other phrases. If she says to me, well, do you get the emails? I'm like, yeah, get all i get yeah i get every email and i just get so mad and does she mean about her emails or no like if an email came and described all the things that i'm asking about right there

she's like well do you get them because clearly you don't get them because if you got them you would have read them and if you read them you would know what this is and we wouldn't be having this conversation. Or maybe she's saying do you quote unquote get the email. Maybe I get them but I don't get them. Do you comprehend the email? I don't get them. That's your comprehension level. It just fires me up.

All that to say it's a phenomenal All that to say I really connected with it and I loved it. Go watch it everybody. Should we jump into another story? Yes. You ready? I want to say also that first story it and I loved it. Well, thank you. Go watch it, everybody. I should jump in another story. Yes. You ready? Yeah. I want to say also that first story was sent in by Eric James Hiltner at EJH underscore 3K.

I just stayed in a Hiltner and the pillows were great. Yeah. Good. I just want to say that. It's always my concern at a hotel. Yep. This was sent in by Carlene. I hate in hotels when they use the little pillows. Yeah. In front? Well, no. Just when they don't give you one. in hotels when they use the little pillows. Yeah.

In front? Well, no, just when they don't give you one, those two big pillows, they give you like four or six little squares. Yes, yes. Get me out of here.

Yeah, and they're all of varying density? Hardness. No, density. Like some are really soft and some are really hard, but nothing is the exact.

Well, the really soft one is the one everyone's been using. I don't like it. So toss that. Get off of that one. Get off. Throw that in a corner behind the chair. Don't look at it. Yeah, exactly. This was sent in by Carleen McDermid at Shebe Carleen.

C-A-R-L-E-E-N. Shebe Carleen. The Toys R Us of people. Alright, after retiring from his career as a math teacher, as a math teachers. Maths teachers? After retiring from his career as a math teachers, that's got to be all wrong.

That cannot be right. Makes sense to me. Oh, okay. Well, he wasn't an English teacher. So he doesn't have to get this right. Yeah, we're not, you know. Loves S's. He has a lisp and he wants to use it.

Clive, that's all they say. English. Decided he still wanted to make a difference for future generations. And to do so, he drives up and down the country doing his business in his van in front of strangers' houses. But... Going to the bathroom? He's not a creep.

Okay. Which is the only reason I'm even doing this story. Is his business making balloon ant? What is his business? Masturbating. Oh. But he's not a creep. Well, no.

But he's not a creep. He gives his's not a creep he gives his sperm away for free to help women have children on the don't you have to request that i think you gotta go through a system like i don't know that's everyone looking at me no i don't know you're the one woman in this room i know but i nobody you're a, but here's... You're our guest. Here's my question. Door-to-door? Yeah. Door-to-door is perfect. I didn't know that that was a door-to-door business.

Is he really good-looking? What would make him hit the road and be like... He's a math teacher. So he clearly... Nope. I don't know. He's a normal-looking guy.

He's not... He's a normal-looking guy. He's in a van. I mean, the van part of it is the part that does, in fact, make him a creep. He's not a creep. You don't think the masturbating in front of people's houses? In a van is creepy. In a van.

Well, he has to. Because being in a van in front of someone's house is less creepy. You could be a super shuttle. But you're already one step towards it, just being in a van. If you're not driving someone to an airport in that van, then you are a creep by being in a van in front of someone's house by the very nature of being in a van. I think he thinks of himself as a super shuttle of sorts. Whereas sperm from a fertility clinic would usually cost around 6,000 pounds. So he's cutting out the middleman. Staffordshire resident Clive gives his away for free, often spending an entire day on the road.

Interrupt me at any point. Well, here's my question. Why do you have any questions? I don't really know. Yeah, this makes perfect good sense to me. Anytime someone says, hey, you just want to cruise to somewhere or you can win $6,000 easily in an email or something like that, we automatically assume don't do that.

When you're driving to a cemetery on Memorial Day or anything, there are people on the side of the road by the cemetery who have flowers and they give you flowers and that is cutting the corner of having to go to a supermarket or a florist or whatever and you're like, okay, we're right here, we'll just grab these flowers right here and we'll go.

That is a great corner to cut. I don't know if... I don't know if... This... I don't know if... This is the corner that needs to be cut? I don't know if this is where you want to cut. Well, he says it costs around 6,000 pounds. What's that, like eight grand? Nine grand?

It weighs 6,000 pounds? No, no, no. Yes, his sperm weighs 6,000 pounds. These are going to be some big babies. Some big babies. Big old babies. Often spending an entire day on the road, he drives his van to wherever he's

needed, climbs in the back, and fills a syringe with his sperm, which he keeps warm under his arm until handing it over. I don't think that is the clear spirit. That's the part where I'm out. Really? That's the part you jump out? His refrigeration process? If he set up a third-party business for people

to say, hey, we can't afford 6,000 pounds, but you seem like a nice guy and you've done this service for other people, I'm fine. But keeping the sperm in your armpit to keep it warm until you give it to somebody, that creeps me out. I'm wrong? He is trying. I'm fine with an armpit.

Is he trying to like, he's trying, okay, so he genuinely wants to help people out who feel like I can't afford this. But this is totally like a dumb people town

business. But don't you think it's more somebody that's wanting, wants to spread his own seed out into the world. I think it's

British Johnny Appleseed. Probably. Yeah. I don't think this is just somebody who's altruistic. I am here to help. Right.

He, to me, seems like- Just look for this gross van. Yeah. Well, see, as far as we- Look at the van. Sputtering up to your house. You know what really bothers me about the van? The wood windows.

Yep. That's 100%. And the way he's sitting. I mean, it's like- His belt. He's sitting like he thinks he's in an Eddie Bauer catalog. No, he's sitting like he goes and masturbates in front of people's houses in a van. By request.

Yeah. I give them the syringe and we'll talk to them for about five to ten seconds just to make a bit of idle chit chat. What? Don't. Nope. No one asks where we are. My question would be the transition from the idle chit chat to... Yeah, there should be no idle chit-chat.

There should be no eye contact. It should be all facts, full of information. There should be no idle van. Yeah. There should be no idling whatsoever. I'm going to keep the van running, keep the van idling. The only idle I've accepted in England is Eric Idle at this point. He's making a joke out of this thing.

He says, the idle chit-chat, I want to know that conversation. This is insane. Hauling his 6,000-pound sperm around in a van. Having a good day? I guess I'll just get the old sperm out of the pit. You can't move on from that pit. Weird weather we're having. Nope.

Nope. Nope. You cannot. Get the sperm out from your pit. Just get it out from under your arm and hand it to me and then walk away. Clive says, they're often nervous and it's just a way of putting them at ease. Oh, really? They're nervous that a man just masturbated in their...

In front of their house. Stuck it in a syringe, stuck it under his arm and then handed it to you. And then chit chat. Then the idle chit chat is the worst part. Don't make me sit through that. I still feel like the man masturbating in a van outside the house is the worst part that is the idle chit chat you think armpit i'm going with the original act the glaring issue let me ask you though okay but let's think about it let's say we

we hired we are gonna pay a guy or we're gonna use this guy's services because we don't have the money that's right for where would where's services because we don't have the money. That's right. For where would, where's the best place? Would you have him come into your house and do it? I would look into adoption. Yeah. I would just go look into adoption.

Or I would say, yeah. If somebody was like, here, do you want a man masturbating in a van in front of your house and then bringing the 6,000 pound sperm in under his armpit? Or would you like to adopt? And it's like, obviously we're going to be adopting. We'll take these babies. Is the thing about making the batch in front of the house about, is it an in and out burgers thing of like,

I just want to show that I'm making it on the spot. Precious ingredients. Like why can't he do it if he doesn't? I'm assuming he has a house, but maybe that's a big assumption. Oh, no, he does. Oh, no. He lives in a house? I would think so.

He's a retired math teacher. Math? He has a pension with the math teaching. There was a dog groomer that used to come up and... Yeah, the shampoo the dog in the van. And masturbate in front of your house. She would masturbate the dog but she did it in a very tasteful way

so she would come up and she would wash the dogs in her van and I still thought that was creepy she's providing a service did she bring it back in with the dog under her armpit of course they're always warm my dog was a German Shepherd so it was a hard thing to keep under her armpit

some idle chit chat how about those Dodgers and then before you know it warm. You got to keep the dog warm. My dog was a German Shepherd, so it was a hard thing to keep under armpit. Some idle chit-chat. A little idle chit-chat. How about those Dodgers? And then before you know it, it's like she's handing you a syringe full of your dog's friends. We're old friends. While a third of his donations work first time, another third of his customers need

two or three visits and others can take as many as six. Six times he's idling out in front of your house. But can't he just do it at home and then keep it? I know, you do it at home and have like a microwave? Some sort of a warmer. Or find a different way to give back.

He makes on average 16 donations per month, but only a couple result in a pregnancy. For those that don't work, he always returns the next month with another syringe. Uninvited. Oh, yeah. None of this is invited. We have agreed to do this.

I'm in for the long haul. At three in the morning with a boom box on the front lawn. Clive originally wanted to donate his sperm through the proper channels, but most clinics won't take donations from men over 45 due to increased risk of health complications like autism. Oh, so he's going to pass that on to the people as well. Yeah. He's also open with his customers about the fact that his father had a brain tumor and

provides a clear STD results upon request. Oh, so he has STD results. Okay. And there's no reason to question that. Long list of STDs. You can see them all right here. I've furnished the list. However, because he doesn't offer his sperm through government-approved human fertilization

and embryology authority-licensed clinic, he could still technically be considered the legal parent and charged maintenance. So any kid that he gives, they could be like, well, you're the dad. You're the dad. You're on the hook for this kid's life. I don't think he understands that. If they wanted to. He hopes that by using the van, he will put

distance between himself and the families to every person. And strengthen his argument that he's really nothing but a donor. So that's his pre-planned defense. Your Honor, I did this. This guy has clearly discussed

this with an attorney. I'm going to push the van defense early. Look, I pulled up in a van. Oh, wow. By the way, here's how you know you're doing something wrong. When you have to pre-plan a defense. Like, no one goes to work pre-planning their defense. You're not doing anything right if you've already said, how will I defend that I was doing this wrong?

How will I get out of this? You know what the van puts in distance between? You and an elementary school. And I'm imagining you and your real kids. Those are his real kids. That's true. So all of them. Yes.

So says the state. But I only have 71 babies. I also know technically if any of the ladies wanted to report me to the child support agency in the future they could nail me for 18 years of child payments he said that's never happened but it's another reason why I use my van I don't understand is he living in the van?

so he has no address? I think he thinks the van makes him invisible because it allows him to masturbate in front of people's houses he's like when I go in the van it's like Harry Potter's invisibility cloak. I'm wearing the cloak. Nobody knows I'm there! And I'm so invisible, and let's do this article

about me. Let's take a shot of me sitting on the back of a van. Let me go through all of the, everything I do and all my fears of getting caught. Here's the reason. But I am in a van. I'm in a van. I'm in a van.

So we're good. I can get away from this interview at any moment because I have the van. The idea that he was just... Him sitting on the van, and Dan, please post this on the Facebook page. It looks like he just finished up. Doesn't he have that feeling of...

He's got a glow. Yeah. But despite the fact that his wife and kids are less than impressed by his personal quest, he's determined to keep going until he has reached his goal of fathering a certain number of kids. See, I knew that's what it was. You were right. Quote, I am so proud that I have fathered these children.

I love the joy it brings. So many people say, thank you so much, Clive. You really have changed our lives. He explains... I feel like you should accept my wife and kids. Those are three people that don't... So many people say, thank you so much, Clive. You really have changed our lives. He explained. I feel like you should accept my wife and kids. Those are three people that don't. So many people thank me that I don't get regularly on a regular basis when I'm at my house. He asked a caveat.

Except for my wife and the kids I didn't make in the van. Those ones were house made. The home kids. As for developing an attachment to the kids, what... What were you going to say, Tig? I feel like I cut you off. No, no. I'm just... I'm stunned.

Yeah. As for developing an attachment to the kids he's fathered... And grateful for my life. Yeah, exactly. At the same moment. I'm just... Yeah. He remains in touch with five or six of the kids that he has helped create, but insists

that he's never had any, quote, feelings. What? I don't know if that's in quotes because he said it or because he's never had feelings in his life he's never had any, quote, feelings. What? I don't know if that's in quotes because he said it or because he's never had feelings in his life. He takes them away from all the feelings. The van. That's right. Yeah.

Takes them away from everything. Just drive away from your feelings. It's like a child. They're like, I can just get in the van and just drive away. I did that in the van. So this is international honor. Home van doesn't count. You can't touch me because van is home van.

Van doesn't count. I was on ghoul and van is ghoul. Van doesn't count. When I first set up, I did wonder if I'd feel anything. You never know how the emotional side is going to play out. You wonder if you'll start to think that they are your children and you'll want access. But I've never had any of these feelings. I think he's talking about his first kids.

His own kids, right? His own family. I'm going to ask you guys. Tig, you are a guest. You can go first, Tig, or third. How many kids has he helped to be born? How long has he been doing this? It doesn't say.

I would imagine at least a year. Do you want to go first, you, or third? I'm going to go, I'll go Tig. Okay. Jay? Jay? I think he keeps in touch with five or six. He can't be expected to know

the exact number. I'm going to say 18. 18. Okay. 18 took. Tig Notaro in the Tig spot? I'm going to say 53. 53. Wow, that's a lot of kids. I'm going to say 30. 30? I, that's a lot of kids. I'm going to say 30. 30? 30.

I'm right in between these guys. Okay. 30. Clive, who does his business in the van that separates him from everything else in life, has fathered, well, 14 are on the way, but he's given conception to 79 kids. Oh, my God. Oh my god! What do you think his goal is? I earlier yelled, but I've only had 71 kids.

I know, you were so close. I had to double look when you said that. What do you guys think his goal is? 100. I think once you do 100, all your kids go into syndication. These kids got picked up for another six years. Do you want to throw

a guess on what you think his goal is, Tink? Does it say in there what it is? Yes. Okay, great. What do you think?

I'm going to say a thousand. His goal is 100. Lars for the win. Thank you. That's the story of Clive, who's, they

tell you in the second second, second sentence, not a creep. Not a creep story of Clive, who's, they tell you in the second sentence, not a creep. Not a creep. A Clive and Kicken. A Clive and Kicken. All right, there you go. Give me a little taste of what we're going to see in segment three.

Okay, ready? A man is followed home by not another person. Okay. All right, that's what we got in segment three. Tig Notaro is with us. She's in the Tig slot. She actually answered the Tig slot, which I love so much. And we'll be back with more Dumb People Town right after this.

Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT, final segment. Anything you want to remind people? Are you doing any shows that people can come see you? Are you doing any Largo shows in the near future or live stuff out on the road? I do a Largo show every month. Super fun. We've done it.

It's great. And yep, yep, you have done it. What else? I just have my special. Great. You know, happy to be here. Watch it. I'm always doing shows.

Yeah. Always up to something. I love it. You know, jokes. So jokes. Jokes. Bits. Van, van work up to something. I love it. You know, jokes. So, jokes. Jokes. Bits. Vans.

Van work. Your van work is very tight. You can't find me in a van. Can't find me in a van ever. That's not true. I pulled up in a van today. Did you? You did?

Yeah. Nice. Minivan. Love it. Is it idling? Baby seats. Baby seats in the back. Empty.

Okay, we're ready? I'm glad they're not in there right. You want to do a third? Let's do a third. Sent in by Isabel at Izzy G, I-Z-Z-Y-G-E-E, Northridge, Ohio. Sometimes police get really strange calls. Such was the case for officers in Northridge, Ohio,

who received a call from a man who said he was walking home from the train station and a pig started following him and he didn't know what to do. So this is one of those things where if a pig's following you on the street, you cross over to the other side of the street. If the pig crosses over with you, then you call the cops. You've got a problem on your hands.

Then you have a brand new pig. I know. How long would a pig be following you? And why are you like, I've got to call the cops? Because pigs eat people. No. You feed people to pigs.

Haven't you seen that? Probably a group of pigs would eat a person. Yes. A dead person. That takes place in animal oil. I don't think a pig can take you down. Yeah. I don't think a pig can take you down.

I think you could kick the snout away or something. Also, it's just following him. It's not charging. It's literally like, where are you going? Hey. Yeah, but it's following and it's snorting. It's snorting. No, you're saying that.

I don't know that it was snorting. Yeah. It is. Can I say that my son, I just started playing him Insane in the Membrane because he just likes that song so much. And the line, these pigs going to blow my house down, he thinks is the funniest thing in the world because it's a reversal of the wolf blowing the house down. Is that what it is, Jay?

No, the pigs are cops, man. Can you explain a little more, Jay? No, the pigs are cops, man. Oh, explain a little more, Jay. You all got it. But maybe classic Cypress Hill turn of affairs. Maybe Be Real from Cypress Hill knows something about pigs that we don't know, that this person is internalized in this phone. Oh, he was being literal? Yeah.

You've got to watch out for literal pigs out there? He's like, these things are powerful. They could take my house down. They could eat me. How long do you think a pig was following this guy before he was like, I need the cops? I need them right now. Could have been weeks.

That would have been great. Everywhere he goes. He's like Ray Liotta at the end of Goodfellas, just looking for helicopters. It's such a confusing combination of nursery rhymes with like, you know, Mary had a little lamb that followed her everywhere she went. The little pig.

The three little pigs. Three little pigs. Yeah, so this is... The idea of him stepping out of a building and then all of a sudden at the same time the pig steps out

of another building like he's been waiting for this. Or just adjust the mirror in his car and it looks like there's a pig in a car right behind him.

What if it's right? Or a pig in the back seat. Of an Uber? Rating a newspaper? Holding it with its cloven hooves? He just keeps calling his brother to make sure he's stirring the sauce. Is he there?

Okay, this was a key. He told the police he was walking home from a train station when the pig started following him and he didn't know what to do. He's freaking out. Thinking he had just left the bar in El Elria. Eliria? I don't know. Doesn't matter.

Named the train station. Police went out to pick up a caller who they believed was drunk. So he literally was walking from a train station. He said I just left the train station and they thought it was... So these cops

are going to be like, we got a drunk idiot out here. Meanwhile, he's like, please help, help me as soon as you can. Is he allowed to...

Stone cold sober, pig following me. Is he allowed to sue the people who named the bar the train station just for out of confusion? Yes, that's on them.

And do you think that the police asked for his description? And he's like, I'm the guy with the pig following him. Yeah, exactly. Could you describe the pig, please? He's about two foot three. Walking on his hide place.

Pretty pink. All the way around. Curly little tail. Reading a newspaper in his cloven hooves. Snorting. We don't know. And Tig, you wrote this. When officers arrived, they found the man stone cold sober.

Complete with his four-legged stalker in tow. Also, from the pig's perspective, he's probably like, wants a friend. You seem friendly. Then the cop shows up and he's like, whoa, man, whoa! Or he wants to have sex. I don't know. Like, there's a lot.

Pigs can smell fear. I'm going to show you guys the pig. I mean, if you feel like just you would call the cops. You'd be worried if you saw this. Yeah. You'd call the cops on this guy? It's not pink at all. No.

It's like almost boorish. You were picturing a cartoon pig. I was going to tell you. You were picturing a cartoon pig. This is, okay. Like a boar. This is like a wild boar. Yeah, this is a hairy.

Dark. Dark. If you didn't know, could have been a giant rat. Yeah. A nutria or something. Yeah, a nutria. You'd call the cops? And white eyes.

Yeah. I would have called the cops. I would have called the ambulance. I would have made a round of calls. This thing is funny. I would have called the ambulance. I would have made a round of calls. This thing is funny. I would have called the guy in the van. You'd leave a voice to us. Hey, I've called a few other people just trying to put this out there.

I'd try and get it into Clive's van. Look at this. Before cell phones. Where's Clive when you need him? Before cell phones, this guy would have had to outrun this thing. That's it. That's all I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's why you don't need the cops for this. By the way, pigs can be fast. They have bursts of speed. Why do you have so many pig facts? I don't know. It's just they can be fat. And they eat humans. But guys, it's not chasing you.

Did you say fast or fat? Both. You guys, pigs can be fat. Just letting you know. Just putting it out there. I know it's an unpopular viewpoint. Sometimes you got to state some things that might be controversial. Pigs might be fat.

According to authorities, the man told them he was walking from an Amtrak station when the animal decided to go for a walk with him. Nothing about this is threatening to me. I would have been like- The pig might have been heading in the same direction. Exactly. Are you walking this way? Maybe the pig's scared.

I need someone to walk there. The pig's like, hey man, just walk where you're going, dude. You don't need to keep looking back at me. because of the pig police. There's a guy in front of me

and he keeps walking the path I'm walking. He keeps looking back at me. In the end, the pig was very cooperative and placed in the back of a police cruiser and taken to the station.

Police made the animal feel at home for a bit inside the department's dog kennels. How much do they want to take one mug shot of it and put it online? Or just let it loose in the jail. They need a little fun. Let it loose in the drunk tank. That'd be so fun.

That's how you scare a high school kid. You take them to the holding cell and there's already a pig in there. Be like, welcome to jail. No, sir. No, this is what you signed up for. You're like a high school kid. You take them to the holding cell and there's already a pig in there. Be like, welcome to jail. Yeah. Like, I don't. No, sir. No, this is what you signed up for. So the man's calling a pig about a pig.

Folks. Folks. And folks. And folks. Folks. They put the pig in one of the department's dog kennels to make it feel at home. That is not where an animal lives. Oh, thank God, guys.

I'm in a cage. They got him in a tiny, in a police station. In a tiny, confined space. Basically a tiny jail in a police station. In the side of a jail. This is so much better than when I was roaming around out there

trying to make friends with a guy. Thank you. Thank you so much. Out on the town. One of them doggy jails. Let's get one of them doggy jails. They kept him in the dog kennel until the owner was notified.

So it is a domesticated pig who's just looking for a friend. He smelled his owner. He probably smells my pig. You guys. But I mean, how do you locate someone with a missing pig? Facebook, it has to be. All these stories I take are just the cops Facebook, it has to be. Every cop, all these stories I take are just the cops

putting their messages out to Facebook. And everybody who... I've been on Facebook and I've never gotten a message from a cop. If we were in a small town right now,

that would be one of your number one follows. Follow us on Facebook. Right. So they put it on Facebook. The guy comes. It's all good.

Or the girl. I'm going to assume it's a guy. And the guy says, we're all good. We got the'm going to assume it's a guy and the guy says we're all good we got the pig you're coming home with me everyone's like

this story is happy and the guy's going out the door he's like I'm going to fuck it and then the door shuts you're like no

get in the van no authorities didn't say if the owner was cited for having a pig on the loose I don't understand why the owner would cited for having a pig on the loose. I don't understand why the owner would be cited for that. You got to leash that pig.

You got to leash that pig. Yeah, no freewheeling pigs out there. Don't let them run. All right, that's story three, y'all. Jeez, Louise. That's a show. It is a show. I think we got ourselves a show here.

Anything live stuff for you, Daniel? Yes. What is the 24th of June? That sounds right. Sunday, I am going to be co-headlining in Portland, Oregon at the Siren Theater with John Roy. And then on the 15th of July, doing another co-headlining show with John Roy

at the Bug Theater in Denver. I love it. And to all those who came. I'd love to see so many townies out there. All those who came and saw us in Cleveland, thank you very much. We'll be in Salt Lake City the 22nd through the 3rd. We were this weekend coming up.

Because we're recording this now. Time jump. We were at Hilarities in Cleveland, which I love so much. What a wonderful club. Cleveland's a great city. Super city. Great comedy town. We love it. And they have a lot to celebrate. They're in the NBA Finals. We're in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys town. We love it. And they have a lot to celebrate. They're in the NBA finals. So we're in Salt Lake City at Wise Guys, which we love too.

A great club there. The 22nd and 23rd of June, which is a Friday and Saturday. And then the 20th through the 22nd, we're in Schaumburg, Illinois at the Improv in Schaumburg, which I'm very excited about. All good stuff. Just check it out on supersclaris.com and go watch. Take special and you will laugh super hard. It's on Netflix.

It's on the old Netflix. You've heard of it. It's ready to be seen. It's ready to be seen. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. Happy to be here. Just like the pig.

Just happy to be there. Just follow along if you can. Just be the pig to Tig's story. Be the pig to Tig. Just be the pig. Be Tig's pig. Just follow her through the special. You'll be very happy. Just be the pig to Tig. That's all we gotta have. Oh shit, we gotta get back to Tig. Just be the pig. Be Tig's pig. Just follow her through the special. You'll be very happy.

Just be the pig to Tig. That's all we gotta have. Oh shit, we gotta get back to work.