Dumb People Town - Tim Heidecker - Pizza as a Weapon

Episode Date: February 19, 2019

This week, Tim Heidecker joins the show!For Story 1, we have a Greenlee in which some folks with historical names are jailed. Story 2 brings us a drunk woman who fights inflatable snowman. Story 3 is the tale of a man who uses pizza as a weapon against his father.

Dan and Ran and Jay will share Tales of folks so unaware They lack in grace and sometimes choose The life they choose will make the news Breaking down each epic fail In Florida there's half-price bail I'm happy to say they Couldn't make this up

So listen to our podcast Dan with co-host Our man Dan Man, jerk, don't be a jerk Cause when the music hits the funny hits So listen to our podcast band with co-host Armand Dan. Man, don't be a jerk. Because when the music hits the funny hits, we are going to take you down. Stick around. Make a sound.

Talk your downies. Dumb People Town. Hey, townies. Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town. Population you. Population Heidecker. Timothy Heidecker. Welcome to the show. Timothy's very nice. Timothy. We brought it up. We ranked it out. We

are so happy to have you on the show. It's being fans of yours for so, so long and friends of yours. And I just truthfully, I feel like in all the projects as we were talking before this show that you've done, you seem to capture all the essence of this show. Oh, thank you. Even in your songs that you've done, you've seemed to capture all the essence of this show.

Oh, thank you. Even in your songs that you've written about old Trumpy that like, it's fascinating how dumb is winning. There's a certain, yes, there's a certain specific dumbness that I seem to have a higher, like the people that have the taste buds that. I mean, dumb is fun. You look again, I go back to a show that I just loved, loved, loved, Tom goes to the mayor, and I was like, he's fun. Yeah.

The mayor's fun. Yeah, he doesn't care. Tom is not as fun. No, he's very desperate for something to click, something to work, one of his ideas to connect. Right, but it's like he is fun in his own way, and he's fun to make fun of, but dumb is fun. He is fun in his own way, and he's fun to make fun of, but dumb is fun. And so we take down dumb on this show, or at least try and understand why it is happening the way that it is, why I feel like the world is getting dumber faster than global warming.

Yes. Which is— And it might be more detrimental. Yeah, it might be more detrimental. I mean, there's clear science that people are getting dumber, although there are probably dumb deniers out there. Right. And they're not listening to this show, so we're clear. We're saying. We're saying. The people listening to this show think that they're very smart. Right. And they're not listening to this show, so we're clear. We're saying. We're saying.

We're saying. The people listening to the show think that they're very smart. Right. Agreed. Which is kind of- So are the people talking on it. Yeah. It's a bit arrogant to be such an expert on what dumb is.

Guys, we get it. I'm pretty stupid. You could probably ask me 10 random questions about general things I wouldn't know. No, but we get it. I have good instincts. You do. You do. You know what's going on. Well, that's why

you're uniquely positioned and designed to help us on this show. We get great stories sent to us by our amazing fans, our dumb boots on the ground. The best. And they send them to us

and Dan breaks them down. We've never seen them. Tim's never heard one. Dan, should we get into one right away? Yeah, let's do it. Let's just do it. This was sent in

by Sarah Doon. Doon. At Sarah M. Doon. D-U-N-N-E. And then she threw a 90 on there. I think it's done. Let's just do it. This was sent in by Sarah Doon. Doon. At Sarah M. Doon. D-U-N-N-E. And then she threw a 90 on there. I think it's done. I think it's done. That's very Scottish.

Doon. I feel like she is a supporter of this show, and we've had this debate. We have. We've had this discussion. It's done. It's done. D-U-N-N-E. You're going done.

Done. No, he's saying the discussion is done. No, I'm saying, yeah, this discussion is over. Discussion is done. Sarah Doon. I'm saying this discussion is done. There you go. He said Sarah Doon. At Sarah with an H. So, yeah, that's saying the discussion is done. No, I'm saying, yeah, this discussion is over. The discussion is done. I'm saying this discussion is done. There you go. He said Sarah Dumb.

At Sarah with an H. So, yeah, that's true. She starts a podcast, Done People Town. Oh. She starts a fan group, Done People Town. At Sarah H.M. Dunn, Dune, 90. What you got? Guys, we've got a green link.

Okay. A what? A green link. So, now let's explain this to you. There is a... So, sometimes... Journalist is link. So now let's explain this to you. Journalist is a very loose term that I would use to describe this guy. Sometimes the dumb comes from the people who are doing dumb things. Sometimes it's the police and the way they react to them. Sometimes it's the guy or woman journalist who writes the article.

There's dumb in that too. Some of them write in pun only. Some of them write in newspeak sing song. You can hear it when you're reading it there was a case no one will forget it's like the two newscasters right sure of course uh so the idea though that this guy will green will greenlee writes for the tpc palm which i believe is in florida right yeah and he it is our theory and I guess we could find this out but we just

TC palm not the TPC he puts six pounds of words in a three pound bag right I think he has like a 1500 word

that's what he's got to fill right and so what he does he'll often explain to you what a broom is right

like in basic terms that's not a lie one time he told us how an anchor works he wrote he's like Sean Penn he's like he is Sean works. He wrote that out. He's like Sean Penn.

He is Sean Penn. Did you read that Sean Penn op-ed about Bradley Cooper? It's the greatest thing. Really? It is insane. He wrote it on, he watched A Star is Born on acid. That's the only way that it makes any sense. And then he wrote the article on cocaine.

So there's just a ton of... It's like this is... He literally says this is one of the best movies I've ever seen. And it's insane. I'm sorry to digress here. No, no. His premise is essentially, I am so angry that this movie probably won't win the Academy Award.

But then he wraps it up with, but awards are bullshit anyway. Awards are bullshit. Why get involved in this? But the real award is that I wrote this article about it, so congratulations. It's pretty crazy. I'm going to read this today. He got a pen award.

You got a penny? Greenlee, he always adds extra stuff that is not relevant but he thinks it's relevant it's tangentially ties into something with the show and so we play a game which you'll quickly understand this is so fun is is it greenly or is it dan impersonating greenly who's embellishing this article is it dan or is it really so you understand quickly so as the article is usually fun too yeah. Yeah. Okay. So here we go.

This was sent in by Sarah Dune. So this isn't especially a stupid person doing something. No. There's the dumb story. Okay, good. Dumb story, dumbly covered. Right. This is a double-double.

Double-double. I have a confession. I got so wrapped up in what he wrote, I barely read this story. Okay. This is great. So this would be good. It might be tragic. You were studying the syntax and the writing style,

but less the content. This is discovery for you, Dan. Ponce de Leon and Betsy Ross were arrested at the Treasure Coast on drug-related charges. The Betsy Ross? And the Ponce de Leon. Wait, wait, what?

I just didn't even listen to Ponce de Leon. I know. This is Florida's power couple. Is Ross Dress for Less based on Betsy Ross because she sewed a lot of stuff? Yes. She did a lot of her own season. I don't know if that's true. Yeah, everything has a patch on it at Ross Dress for Less.

St. Lucie County Sheriff's investigators jailed Francisco Ponce de Leon on a felony marijuana charge after a December 24th traffic stop in Port St. Lucie. Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. Wow. Day of our Lord. Investigators. Night of night before our Lord. Baby's Jews is the day of our Lord.

Day of our Lord. It's before he. So he just. The labor pains have begun for Virgin Mary. Oh, I got to get to this table. Smoke this. Was she dilated the night before? We don't know. Braxton Hicks happened three weeks

ago. Braxton Hicks, to me, remember, those are the Braxton Hicks are false labor pains early in a pregnancy. To me, Braxton Hicks sounds like a quarterback for Ohio State. 100%. Well, we know it was night, well, I mean, we know it was nighttime when he was in the manger. A hundred percent. Well, we know it was night. Well, I mean, we know it was nighttime

when he was in the manger. He was alive. But did that happen on the 25th at night? I think my idea is that he was born in the morning. Early in the morning,

24th into the 25th. Yes. So labor began on the 24th. We should be celebrating that. That's canon. That's canon. I'm so glad we figured this out. So.

Okay. Investigators reported Paul Stelion was driving a BMW in which they found hash oil in a gold Versace box. Gianni Versace, usually referred to simply as Versace, Gianni Versace, usually referred to simply as Versace, is an Italian luxury fashion company and trade name founded by Gianni Versace in 1978. The Versace logo is the head of Medusa, a Greek mythological feature. Figure. Are we doing it? Sorry for my cough.

Is this Greenlee or is this Dan writing that? Now, you can guess first. Okay. In the Tig slot, you can guess first. Okay. In the Tig slot, Tig was the first person to guess between the two of us or third. So you can decide where you want to guess. Well, let me see if this is fair. Can I say that the Medusa is your add-on? The Medusa fact. It's a Medusa add-on.

So Greenlee with a Medusa add-on by Dan. Okay. It's fair. Yeah, that's fair. That's Greenlee all the way. I think it's Dan. Yeah, that's fair. Rand or Jay? That's Greenlee all the way. I think it's Dan. Okay. The person who, after they said that they found hash oil in a gold Versace box, or as I like to call it, Versace,

the person who wrote this line, Gianni Versace, usually referred to simply as Versace, is an Italian luxury fashion company, a trade name founded by Gianni Versace in 1978. The Versace logo is the head of Medusa, a Greek mythological figure. That entire thing was written by Catrances and Naotownies. And you'd be right if you said

Daniel Van Kirk. Yeah! I'll take it. You snuffed a little bit out. I got half a point. Yeah, you get a half point. Half point. Damn it.

That was pretty ridiculous. That is. Not too ridiculous for this. I mean, it fooled Jay, who has heard many in Greenlee. I'm easily fooled. I'm not even easily fooled. Jay's familiar with the Greenlee canon. Ponce de Leon is a resident of Port St. Lucie.

It should also be noted he is not to be confused with Juan Ponce de Leon, the Spanish explorer who searched the fabled Fountain of Ute. Ponce de Leon, who died in 1521 in Cuba, is credited as the first person to travel from Europe to reach Florida. Who said that? Well, now, I mean, you're not going to go two in a row making them up, but maybe you are. It's the whole Princess Bride thing.

It's a shell game. It's a shell game. You don't have to go first. Yeah, I won't go first. Why would I go first? That is Greenlee. I'm so in on the Greenlee. I think that's Greenlee, too.

I think it's Greenlee having a little fun. Okay, the answer is the person who wants to make sure you understand that this Ponce de Leon is not the Ponce de Leon Explorer. Thank you for that. That was written by Greenlee. Yes. Knew it. Knew it.

Felt it. Meanwhile, Indian River County Sheriff's deputies hauled Betsy Ross to jail after a December 28 traffic stop in Vero Beach. How we got four days ahead and she's still tied into this is beyond me. I think it's- He's just trying to tie two historical figures with like- Oh, Greenlee saw an opportunity. Yes. He might as well have fun. Yeah. this is beyond me i think it's he's just trying to tie two historical figures with like oh greenly saw an opportunity yes he might as well have fun yeah investigators say ross didn't make complete

stops at all stop signs in her purple chrysler pt cruiser she is also accused of not wearing her seatbelt you feeling it yeah ross of vero beach admitted uh was arrested on a misdemeanor possession of drug paraphernalia charge after investigators say they found a meth pipe in her purse and a marijuana roach in her PT cruiser. The roach, in this sense, is not of the creepy crawler kind, but instead refers to the end of a marijuana joint, which cannot be smoked without a roach clip because the smoker's fingers would be burnt. The roach contains the most resin and is stronger than the rest of the joint because THC smoke has passed through it and settled on it with each inhalation. A roach is often saved and smoked in a joint made from other roaches, which is much stronger than a normal joint.

He said that already. So you're not breaking these. My first guess in the first round. Once it deviates. It's either one or the other. Good. So we're guessing on that? On the roach?

Yeah. That seems irrelevant to me. That's greenly. The tangent. I'm saying that's greenly all the way. I'll go that it's you. I'll say it's Dan. Dan.

Okay. The person who wrote... You do not have to repeat it. I just have an instinct that you enjoy personally writing that kind of drug language, drug fan fiction. Yeah. The person who made sure everyone knew exactly what type of roach they were talking about and why it qualifies as one, was written by me. Yeah.

Tie-necker. I know. Jesus. Ridiculous. That was so good. You want to know what's really sad, guys? I'm one for three. How fun was it to write that?

I'm only 90% sure. If you wrote that? Yeah. Okay. Part of me is like, wait, did I write that? Oh, I'm sure you did. I'm not joking. You've been saying it.

I'm not joking. You review your revisions. So it might not be true either, right? Right. Okay. Cool. I was like joking. You review your revisions. So it might not be true either, right? Right. Okay. Cool. I was like, you learn something new every day. By the way, that could be Will Greenlee's on his tombstone.

Does he have any awareness of this show? I mean, he gets tweeted at a lot. And I recently, this week, I think I had somebody be like, do you think they're trying to figure out why they're getting so much web traffic to his stories because of this show? Because it's all the time. You'd think as a reporter you'd be curious. Yes.

It's in your blood. It's in his nature. Podcasts or radio shit. You could be affecting his entire writing style. Like helping him lean into it. He becomes self-conscious. I'm hoping he gets a promotion. Self-conscious or leans into it

knowing that that's creating class. There's people doing real hard-hitting journalism and they're getting yelled at by the 26-year-old who's in charge of web traffic. I don't know why you guys can't all be like Greenlee here. He's crushing it.

We'll do this show live. We're doing a live one at Largo on the 4th. And the final segment of the show, we do it live. We have our fans come up and they read. They come to the mic and they bring stories that they. And put it this way. At one of our live shows recently, a fan came up to the mic and said, we got ourselves a Greenlee. And the crowd went crazy.

For this guy. He is a bit of a figure. He's a figure. I'm going to be doing shows in Florida. I'd love to find him. Oh, man. Oh, dude, you should meet him and have lunch with him. Yes.

Okay. Moving on. I've lost the track of what this story is about. Betsy Ross. You know what, Tim? Me too. Betsy Ross and Ponce de Leon both picked up on drug charges. Picked up on drug charges.

Yeah. I've been in that charges. Should be just like a police blot or just like a paragraph. Yes, at most. At most. This Betsy Ross is not the same Betsy Ross who, according to family stories, helped design and make the first United States flag in the 1770s. That Betsy Ross, a seamstress born in Pennsylvania, died in 1836.

Who said that, me or Greenlee? Oh, come on. Now you're so confused. See, I'm very confused. See, I... The last one was you, Dan? The last one was him. So then it, I mean...

There is no rhyme or reason. No. One time Dan did a story where every single one was him. Like, he fucked with us so badly. I found a normal Greenlee and I fucked her up. You... Like, he fucked with us so bad. I found a normal Greenlee and I fucked her up. Hi, you. I think it's Greenlee, but he's got a self-awareness that now he's been listening to this podcast. He's doing it for you.

A tainted Greenlee is what you're saying? All right. I think it's Dan. Okay. That's Greenlee. Randy says me. I'm the only one who says you. Okay.

I'm one for three. Betsy Ross, a seamstress born in Pennsylvania, died in 1836. The person who gave you that fact was Greenlee. Okay, I'm killing... Is anyone keeping score? You're three for four. Okay, but let's just...

Two and a half. But just if you're counting, he did not describe Ponce de Leon. No, he did. Oh, he did. I thought that was you. No, he did Ponce. I did the Roach. Oh, you did the Roach.

And you did Versace. And Versace. Oh, God. Yes. Okay, next. We have two more fun things about this story. One of them is this. Every once in a while, I've recently noticed that in a TC Palm,

they have little links to other articles that just say, more. I'm going to read you the three mores that also appear within this story that could send you down a whole TC Palm rabbit hole. What's TC stand for? I'm sorry. Tampa Club?

I don't know. Tampa Clearwater? Let's make it up and never change. Whatever we decide. Tampa Clearwater. Are those anywhere near each other? No. And anybody on Twitter, I don't know why anyone would want to correct people on a podcast. Tallahassee, yeah.

But let's say there are people out there. Tallahassee College? None of us are looking up. Do not look it up. Do not look it up. Jay, put your phone away. When we get our tweets being yelled at, whatever they tell you, just write back wrong. Wrong.

And tag all of us in it as well. Wrong. I'm tagging Heidecker in everything. Okay, here's the first more. Ready? More. Grinch has sex in bathroom wrecks Christmas decorations. What is that story?

What are the Christmas decorations doing in the bathroom? Exactly. Connie wears the tree this year. I set it up in the bathroom. It's in the toilet. My Aunt Connie does a full bathroom Christmas decoration. I am not. Guys.

No, she doesn't. I am not lying. There's a little snowman in there that talks to you. Talks to you. What are you doing? When you walk in, it's like a sensor thing. By the way, if you want to have a full psychotic breakdown, watch the Jim Carrey, Ron Howard Grinch.

It's insane. Oh, I know. In the old origin story. It's all shot in that fisheye, wide-angle lens. The colors are just very upset. I had to watch it around on Christmas with my kids. Fear and Loathing in Whoville. Yeah, basically that.

Yeah, it is. It was like, hang on a second, was Tim Burton in everyone's ear here? Ready for another one? This is another more in this story. More. Witchcraft victim swings long sword in Fort Pierce. Wait, witchcraft victim swings long sword. I mean, sometimes you get pushed to the point.

Like, he swings, He carries a big stick. That is like a thing that people say about him. I never want to blame the witchcraft victim. But in this case, you can. Did you see what he was wearing? I guarantee you. Did you see what he was swinging? There's a man and woman somewhere in Florida using a sword as a cane.

For sure. There's a man in Florida using a sword as a cane. For sure. There's a man in Florida using a sword as a toothpick. Then there's a man behind him planting little seeds in the little gash that it's planted in the sword. That person is making the world a better place. That would be the most beautiful. Planting apple trees. That would be the most beautiful thing in the world. Here's the last four.

A little fable. Here's the last four. Ready? More. Why is a naked man in my home? That's it. Which is, that's on the Florida flag. Why is there a naked man in my home?

All right, we're going to get out of here. Not in my house. In my home. In my home. My home. You guys can pass this around. We are going to play Guess the Agey on how old is Betsy Ross. Okay.

Not Betsy Ross. Not in the 1770s. Can you give a very brief summary of the core of what this story is? Two people with historical names right around Christmas committed crimes and got drug paraphernalia charges. Drug crime. Busted with drug. And one, they thought, let me tie these two strings together. They were not together? No.

One was on the 24th and one was on the 28th. Oh, gotcha. Out of there. Okay, and a game we like to play is Guess the Agey. Too much fun leaves marks in life. Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age.

Guess the age. Usually we run down the facts of what we know about the person. So for Betsy Ross... Is this nothing to do with Steve Agee? No. Well, he was one of the first ones to get it right. You can probably drop that now. Just an idea. Never. So here's what we know

about Betsy Ross, okay? She had a meth pipe in her purse. Meth pipe in her purse. Drives a PT Cruiser. Drives a purple PT Cruiser. Purple PT Cruiser. And a roach clip. And a roach clip in the cruiser.

And I'm going to let you get a look at her. Which, by the way, sometimes helps, but sometimes does not help. Sometimes that muddles the story. Okay, pass it around. This will be on the Dumb People Town Facebook page. Is she getting a haircut? Join it. Oh, dear.

She has a cape. She's the person that started the witchcraft. She has a cape of sorts. No, she's getting her haircut. That's what I said. She's getting her haircut. No, it's a mugshot. She does look like the woman in the Disney Sword in the Stone that duels with Merlin.

Maybe. I'll take your word for that. Okay, guys. So how old is she? Do you want to go first, Tig, or third? Let me see. One more quick look.

One more quick look. I'll say 57. 57 years old from Tim Heidecker. I would say if she was 57, she looks pretty good. Okay. Yeah.

Hair's probably dyed. Yes. And then one commenter hasn't aged well. Yes. And then four lights. Four lights. I would say she is 48. Yes. And then one commenter hasn't aged well. And then four likes. I would say she is 48.

48 years old. Like a year older than me. 57 from Tim. 48 from Randy Sklar. Jason. She has a meth pipe in her purse. This woman is 41. I thought you were going to say 22. No. So you're going to probably say 41 but looks 57. Yes. Okay. 41 from Jay. 48 from me. 48 from Ran. No. So you're going to probably say 41 but looks 57. Yes. Okay, 41 from Jay.

48 from me. 48 from Ran. 57. The Heinz guess. Okay. Tonics, get your answers in right now because in this version or round of Guess the Agey, Betsy Ross is

46 years old. Oh, wow. Yes. Jesus, that's a year younger than us. Yeah. Wow. Can I see her again? She looks a lot older than us.

Oh, my God. Yeah, that's meth. That's meth. That'll just add a decade. Wow. It added 11 years to her. I know. Is that the first story down?

That's the first story down. First story in the books. We are off and running with Tim Heidecker. What about Ponce? We don't know. It added 11 years to her. I know. Is that the first story down? That's the first story down. First story in the books. We are off and running with Tim Heidecker. What about Ponce? We don't care about him. We don't care about him. I can tell you. Yeah, just tell us all these.

Should we guess? If you want to. Sure, let's guess him too. Okay. No picture. It'll give it away. Okay. Okay.

He's close to his look. So he had, in a Versace case, he had hash oil. Yes. And anything else? I do not believe so. Just hash oil in a Versace case. That's what we know about him.

He was driving a BMW. 22? 23. 23. Driving a BMW, hash oil in a gold Versace box. Okay. 23 from Tim.

Jay? 19. 19 from Jason Sklar. 29. 29 from Randy. His Saturn is returning 19 from Jason Sklar. 29. 29 from Randy. His Saturn is returning. All right, little bonus one.

I didn't know he would do this, but I like it. Ponce de Leon is 21 years old. Oh, nice. Splitting it, boys.

Splitting between us. And he is a Versace boy. Oh, yeah. Look at this guy. That's a square head. That is a square head. That is a square head. He's got a lot of good hair. He's got good hair.

He's got a block jaw. He looks like Wreck-It Ralph's evil brother. That's story one, friends. Story one, down in the books. Tim Heidecker's with us. Story one. When we come back, we'll talk to him a little bit about some of the stuff he's got going on, and we'll be right back.

Thank you. Stick around. Make us down for more Dumb People Town. We want to remind people, March 4th. Largo. Someone reminded me is the only date on the calendar that is a command March 4th

there you go it's a Monday night March 4th to Largo and we've got Karen Kilgariff is our guest Jon Hamm will be there

and Langhorne Slim will be playing music oh neat just fun fun show do it live when we do another Heidecker will come and do a live one

yeah you can come I'm not in that Largo scene. I don't know what it is. Nick Kroll and friends. Everybody and friends. I'm friends, but no one ever asked me to come down. When we do one in the future. It's a little far west for me.

It's a little bit of a haul. Here's the deal. If you come and do it, we can park behind there. If you come and do it, you will be the guest and also the musical guest. How about the guest? That's nice. Guest of honor. Guest of honor and the musical guest of honor.

But speaking of, you have live shows. You're doing some on-cinema shows. Yes. Go to where to find Wild Wild. TimHeidecker.com slash events. Great. They're all there. But mostly March, April and May going all over the middle of the country and the south.

And it's a very fun show. We've been doing it off and on for the past few months, and it's a lot of fun is all I can say. Get there. Go see them live. Fantastic. And I actually have been loving the Trump songs that you've been doing. And you have a new one.

You played one for us today. I just wrote it this morning before I got over here, and it was last night. His physical came out, and there's this, it's just, you know, everything that's going on in the past couple years makes you feel like you're going crazy. Yes. And it's always the little things that seem to get me even, you know,

like really, this doesn't make any sense, because the physical comes out and says he's six foot three and he's 243 pounds, seven pounds. And there's so much evidence. There's so many. And it's like, I don't, we shouldn't really care about this.

Who cares? Who really cares? But there's all this evidence of you see him next to people that are six foot three and he's shorter. He's way shorter. It just makes you feel like you're going nuts. wrote and so i wrote a little song we're gonna

play all right brendan's gonna play a little clip of the song and then you can where can people can pick up the songs on itunes right so well no no the new ones when i like i try to put stuff out like the next day right you know like whenever stuff's happening where can they hear you go to band camp that's my if tim heidecker's band camp. Great. It is a great. And I put everything out for charity because I just like making music. This one is the charity is for the American Diabetes Association. Perfect. Hilarious. Well, it is actually, you played us the whole song or most of the song.

It's hilarious. Let's listen to it. Let's listen to it. Let's listen to it. I'll stand up straight, put my back to the wall. You'll measure me to see how tall write it down put six foot three cuz I'll be as tall as I want to be you like your job you like where you are I don't want to see you fall so far.

If you're smart, you'll listen to me. Because I'll be as tall as I want to be. I'll be as tall as I want to be. I love it. I love the country vibe. I love the country vibe. And I believe if you played that, if that song got popular, there'd be a point in the song where everyone would be singing. Yeah, play it at the old Irish pub.

Yes, singing the chorus. So there's that, that, and then podcast. Yeah, the office hours, which we do here with Starburns as well. And it's a lot of fun. I take calls live. There's no screen. There's no screening going on. So we get live and crazy people.

How do you let folks know that, okay, we're about to go live? I tweet it and then we do it on YouTube live and then it turns into a podcast. But I love because I usepe or i don't know why but we have this this international audience and i think because i do it in the morning it's always like middle of the night in london or in australia it's weird it's weird time so i get a lot of people all over the world calling in um sweden and you know like all these crazy places

that are they're not that, they're not crazy on their own, but it's just, it's fun to just be able to like, oh, I'm suddenly talking to somebody in Norway. It's amazing. And I'm like, what is life like that? Cause we don't know, you know, we don't know. Phenomenal. Who knows?

I often think of that. Like what are they doing in Reykjavik right now? What's life like? Do you care about what's happening here? And all this, but everyone's, you know. Do they open up to you? Are people cool to like, you know,

cause they have their things they want to ask you, but you can go the other way. I mean, the last thing I want to talk about is like, you know, people call me and say, I'm a fan or I want to ask him any questions about, about our stuff.

And I'm like, I don't want to, I want to talk about what you are. What's your job? Like, what, how do you, what's your relationship like?

And that kind of stuff. What was, what can you remember a memorable call that you've gotten on office hours that just office hours that went in a direction you didn't think it would go in? I mean, well, there was a guy that called in who had gotten run over by a train. Jesus Christ! And had his legs amputated. Oh, my God. And so we talked about the moment-by-moment story about what that was like and what is it like now for When did you realize that I'm about to get run over by this train?

Did he think he could beat it across the track? I think he doesn't remember why. I think he was probably drunk, I think. And then a longtime listener who calls in all the time is a really funny, nice guy named Phil who had had a stroke last week. Oh, my God. No way. He had a real stroke.

And so the audience loves him and I love him. And we talked about like, what do you do when you... He's doing good. I made fun of him because I was expecting him to sound like this. And that's not a nice thing. But he was normal. He was good. But just to hear

like, what is that experience like? It was cool. It was really kind of emotional fascinating office hours and people can go back and listen to the even though it's live it gets put up and so you can go back and hear it does yeah it's not like uh it's not timely it's evergreen but don't listen to it an old one and think you can call in at that moment that would be a mistake. That's a Mr. Show sketch. That's right. We recorded last week's show the week before. One of my favorite sketches ever.

Alright, let's get back into another story, right? Shall we, Daniel? What do we have? This was sent in by Fur F-E-R and then there's like a B emoticon. I don't really understand. Fur. Furby? I'm anti-fur. I think it's a Furby. I guess so. At

original fur-guh. With a G in the actual handle. Ferguson. Or Fergie from the Black Eyed Peas. It could be her. Or him. Her. By the way, I would love to create a line of Furbies that look

like Fergie. It's like a lot of legal landmines. Just sing Big Girls Don't Cry all the time. No, sing a jazzy version of the national anthem like she did at the NBA All-Star Game. No, but Furbies, there are some that if you don't treat like they're like little baby, kind of like the next generation of Tamagotchi eggs where where they're... If you don't take care of them, they're nice and sweet, and like... And then, if you don't

take care of them, they turn into this other mean character, like... Or, if you don't spend like an hour in the morning getting it all ready, it looks like a meth head. Right. So I would love... He's 10 years older. So I would love to do a series of those that then they just become Fergie and then they become another singer.

Will.i.am. Good luck with that project. Okay. I believe in it. I'm looking for $100,000. That's all I need. Shark Tank. Okay.

Ready for the headline on this? Clark Tank. Drunk woman fights inflatable snowman. Okay. Yes. Here we go. I like this. Stop. Those inflatable, they inflatable snowman. Okay. Yes. Here we go. I like this. Okay.

Those inflatable, they blow air in them. Yes. Yes. Stop looking at me. When I come back out. She definitely heard something. After I drop off this post. Say it to my face.

I'll knock that carrot out. After I drop off this post, mates, you better be gone when I come back. She was drunk. What made this a, was she arrested? Sorry, you read this. A blow up Frosty, the snowman, I don't know why I paused there, survived an attack by an intoxicated woman early Monday morning according to Casper Police Report. So early Monday morning means out all night drinking. All night, Sunday.

Sunday night drinking. Yes, which probably since Sunday started out as day drinking. Yeah. Like she definitely said to the inflatable snowman, I broke up with him. Yeah. Two officers responded to a disturbance call at 426 South Center Street. Add that to the dumb people town walking tour. At 2.47 a.m. where a woman had come to a man's apartment in the building and barged inside.

Oh. No, this is not okay. This is not. The man said he heard banging on his door, opened it. Now, I'm not going to victim blame. But do not open the door. Do not open your door. Who's that?

Who's that? Do not open your door. Don't do that. People are like, well, if they open it slowly. I'm like, that doesn't matter. What does she need? I'm also imagining that this is like one of those cheap apartment buildings where like everything's paper thin. Yes.

She could basically bash the door down. She was knocking on the other door behind him. Yeah. Everything that happens in that hallway is like fully audible in the apartment. It's like one of those whisper tunnels. Yeah. You can hear on this side. The man said he heard banging on his door, opened it, and.

Who? Alexis Sue Burns. That's her name. Alexis Sue Who? Alexis Sue Burns. That's her name. Alexis Sue Burns. Alexis Sue Burns. Alexis Sue Burns in every situation. She always comes in hot. I'm not trying to name shame, but Alexis Sue does not roll off the tongue.

Alexis Sue. Alexis Sue. Yeah, you're already slurring your words just by giving people your name. Are you drunk? I'm just saying my name. Alexis Sue. Yeah, you're already slurring your words just by giving people your name. I'm not drunk. I'm just saying my name. Alexis Sue. That's the command I give to my luxury car when I wanted to litigate the car in front of me. Alexis Sue.

She pushed her way inside, unwelcome and unknown by him. He doesn't even know Alexis Sue Burns. But who really does know her? Excuse me. She's in the house. I love this. He asked her who she was. What was wrong?

Who are you? What is wrong? What is wrong? And she told him to, quote, sit the fuck down. You sit the fuck down. You sit the fuck down. That is, I've always said. I wonder if he did it. Like a command comes so quickly and so surprising to me.

All right. All right. I got this. I'm sitting. Damn, Alexis. This is what we fight about all the time. I just love, to me, one of my favorite introductions of a character in a movie is Melissa McCarthy in Bridesmaids. When she's first in the first conversation she has, she jumps in like they've been having the conversation for like 20 minutes before that.

That's exactly what this bird is. Sit the fuck down. Like she's running a board meeting when she walks through that door. Long stripes. Who are you? What's wrong? Sit. Sit the fuck down.

That was right before, she told him that, right before he picked her up and pushed her outside. He then fireman-carried her. He didn't sit down. He did not. He did not. He didn't listen. He locked the door, called police, and described the younger woman who was wearing a black shirt and no coat. Yep.

It's winter. I thought you were going to say no pants. I know. I know. No pants would have been. Okay, no coat, black shirt. No coat. No coat.

She walked down a stairway, and the man was able to hear her screaming and yelling outside and in the street. Which to me means she's still having a conversation with him. It's his fault. The whole way down out the building. How dare he? So she's now down below outside. Right. This is what the person who wrote this story wrote.

He then hears her outside yelling down the hall and in the street. Next sentence. Then it got really weird. Then it got weird. This is a normal Sunday night. For the pheasant run apartment complex. Pheasant down. Aging oaks.

The aging oaks apartment complex. For the Cadbury arms. I like the royal one. Knightsbridge Suites. Upon arrival, Canterbury Field Department. Caspian Court. I once was on the road doing shows with my buddy,

and he's also my feature on my tour, Andrew Youngblood, and we heard a commercial or a news report about Caspian Court, which then sent me into a 20-minute bit of just singing songs about Caspian Court. I couldn't stop myself. I was like, Caspian Court. Caspian Court. Come inside.

And it got darker and darker as I did it. It eventually became a very racist community for divorcees. Oh, wow. It just took a dark turn. Every one, I tried to just make it darker. I could be wrong, but I believe the band Ph Fish has done an entire concept album called Caspian. You're not wrong.

In the court of Caspian Count. Quote, quote, as the officer pulled up in his patrol car, the female, hold on, I skipped. Quote, upon arrival, the officer observed the described female wrestling with a blow-up snowman Christmas decoration in front of Magic City Stoves. Details mean everything, people. The Caspian Court is in walking distance to Magic City Stoves. No ovens, just stoves. And they're always correcting people. I'm looking for a stove-oven combo.

No, a range. You want a range? No, you're going to have to go down to Best Buy. Best Buy. But you guys do sell stoves, but no oven combo. Just the top. Just read the sign, sir. Just read the sign, sir.

Hot plates. Stoves only, bro. I know, but most people have a stove that is connected to an oven. You guys don't sell that at all. No, no, no. We're old-fashioned. You got to go to Stove, Stove, Stoves and Things. No, no, no. We're old-fashioned. You got to go to stove, stove, stoves and things. Okay, fine.

This is just magic city stove. Okay, fine. Quote, as the officer pulled up in his car, the female started running at the officer's vehicle and attempted to get inside of it, but the doors were locked. That's a weird moment. Arrest me. Hold on a sec. He made contact with the female, who was repeatedly screaming, help me and I want my mom. That is sweet.

This is very sad. That is sweet. That just got really sweet. No. The officer identified Burns who appeared to be uninjured but very intoxicated. He smelled the strong odor of an alcoholic beverage when she spoke. Her speech was slurred and loud. That was just her pronouncing her name.

Her eyes were bloodshot and glassy and her balance were poor. Okay, there's no reason to pile on. We go that she's drunk. She was just fighting a horrible snowman in front of magic. It's a bit of a victimless crime. Her hair was unkempt. On top of all that, she was scared. Her makeup was applied somewhat...

With a lackluster attitude. One-eyed lash was barely hanging on. She could have done a little better. She could have worn more rouge. He pulls up to see what this is about. She comes running at his lock squat. She didn't have the figure she used to have in high school.

Her ankle-to-k knee ratio was disappointing at best. She's scared, screaming for her mom, and wanting to get inside. This is the point as a cop where you're like, I now can solve this with a hug. I wonder if he even just talked to her through the window. He's like, ma'am, I'm not even getting out. Tranquilizer gun. Yeah, exactly. Or, like I always say. Blow dart. It's like, I'm not, ma'am, I'm not even getting out. Tranquilizer gun. Yeah. Yeah, exactly.

Or, like I always say. Blow dart. Just a net. Just a net. Just a net. Dan is a big fan of a net. A net with rocks in it. A net with so many police problems. She's not going to go anywhere.

It's going to be hard. Let her tire herself out. She'll get tangled in her own stuff. You want like a lasso situation. That works too. A lasso or a net. I love your lasso noise. A lot of people think it sounds like a whippoorwill.

Your lasso work is impactful. I do a lot of foley for Westerners. That's amazing. I was watching some... It's a horse sound. Are we in the crowd? Hang on a second here. Lasso him, Tim.

I was watching a Western movie, and I forgot what it was. It was like a classic Western movie, and I was appalled at how off, like how everything was recorded ADR after the fact. Like there was, I guess the sound on the day was probably like super windy, and you couldn't get it, but it was like, it sounded like it was recorded in a studio, you couldn't get it but it was like it sounded like it was recorded in a studio and they're sitting down yeah somebody's sitting down on the couch

in here but they also in front of it just a big psych like a big uh like uh you know set painting no no no it was out in the but it just was like it didn't even match up all the time i'm like this is a classic western movie and like they really didn care. You get the idea. I caught one of those 40s or 50s Pirates movies that was on TV and it was really bright and colorful

and you could tell they were on just a soundstage and it looked so bright. Every corner was lit. And I was like, it must have been so fucking hot.

Oh my God. Shooting it down the street on some big soundstage with no air conditioning. Exactly. Turn it off. Life blasting. gotta but really if the sound didn't matter that much back then let the air conditioning blow so he says on top of all that she was scared burns that's uh we know her we know her asked quote who those people were and pointed to the decorative albeit apparently uninjured blow up frosty according to the police uninjured, blow-up Frosty, according to the police report. Uninjured is a...

I mean, we actually have a picture of the Frosty the Snowman in front of Magic City Stoves. So let me see this real quick. This is who she was beating the shit out of. Poor Frosty. He looks scared. He looks scared. His teeth are chattering. I love Magic City stoves.

I mean, that has got to be so frustrating. For her, she's like beating the shit out of this thing, and then he just pops back up. Yeah, you can't really connect with a blow-up doll like that. You demon man. She points at the uninjured Frosty the Snowman, according to the police report. The officer informed Alexis Sue Burns that it was an inflatable snowman and Christmas decoration. Burns then stated, quote, oh, and became extremely... That's just good journalism.

And became extremely relieved and was no longer scared. He changed her life. Thank you. She urinated. Extremely relieved. It takes a turn, though, guys. This is the next sentence. She was no longer scared, but she wasn't cooperative either.

Of course not. The officer repeatedly asked her what was wrong and what she needed help with, but she only responded, quote, I'm not telling you. Alexis. Y'all have to guess. Sit the fuck down. And guess.'all have to guess. Sit the fuck down. And guess. And guess. He put her in the car because of the cold and asked her again why she needed help.

She gave him an address and demanded he take her there as if he were a taxi or an Uber service. You want five stars, you asshole? 555 Oak Lane and step on it. Do you got gum in here? Is there a charger for my phone, you son of a bitch? There's no water back here. There's no water.

Turn on your lights. I'm going to charge my phone. Step on it. Burns also made a number of incoherent statements about the officer taking her dad somewhere and that and that is hold on this her statement's even weird she made statements about the officer taking her dad somewhere and that is what her god wanted him to do okay her god you tell you about what my god yeah my like when people refer to things as statements. Like this was something she considered and wrote down.

Delivered at a press conference. I would like to deliver a statement. People say that to me on my podcast like the next day. Like, your statement about this. Statement? I'm just bullshitting for an hour. It's off the cuff.

There's no prompter. No. Your prepared remarks. Yeah, my prepared remarks felt very, very hurtful. Triggered something in me. The officer wasn't getting much from Burns.

The other officer, all of a sudden there's a second cop, began asking her questions and she responded by screaming profanities at him. Alexis cannot get out of her own way. But I love that she's like, I'm going to have a different relationship with these. This guy's going to understand what my God is asking you to do. This is how I talk to Doug.

The opposite of the good cop, bad cop experience. She's both. She's good perp, bad perp. She identifies. Good perp, bad perp. This is a thoroughly reported story. It seems like into the weeds now we're going. Burns was taken into custody for public intoxication and malicious mischief.

Never have seen that one. Malicious mischief I've never heard. It's a great band. They opened for Mustard Plug in 96. Criminal mischief we get. Malicious mischief. It's like something Rumpelstiltskin would be involved in. Exactly.

Criminal mischief. Malicious. Malicious mischief. Malicious mischief. She was taken to the Natrona County Jail and was uncooperative with deputies who immediately put her in a cell. Nope, you're going. Going straight. We're not even going to take a statement.

The last sentence on this is just, meanwhile, the inflatable snowman abides. We'll get out here on me showing you a picture that did not give her age. I'm guessing a solid 22. You guys can make your own guesses. Oh, dear. Poor thing. And she has the raised eyebrow of

someone who's like, excuse me? That's a long night. I'm perfect. That's a long night. By the way, and I'm going to say this, she's cute. She's cute in that she's like... I'm not going to judge. She looks like she could be friendly. She looks like she could be French. She does look like Let me see again. She's cute in that she's like... I'm not going to judge. She looks like she could be friendly. When I say cute, I'm not...

She looks like she could be French. She does look like she could be French. Have you guys done follow-ups on any of these stories? That would be interesting to see. We have, if they come through. A lot of early deaths. Yeah. Sometimes you don't want to go to the next step.

I don't know. This gal... Alexis Sue Burns? That's got to be the next phase of this podcast is you bring her on and talk about what has she learned. I would love that. Because maybe it was a big benchmark moment for her. I hope so.

Turned her life around. I want to hear more about her God and what he's expecting of the three of us. That's story number two, friends. All right, Dan. What are we going to get? Give us a little tease before we go to the break for story number three. A man uses pizza as a weapon for one of the strangest reasons I've ever encountered. I cannot wait.

Tim Heidecker is with us. This is Dumb People Town. Stay. Stick around. Make a sound. There's more Dumb People Town. Hey, guys. Welcome back to DPT.

I want to ask you guys real quick, how was Portland? And do you have any more dates coming up? Portland was fantastic. Portland was amazing. Thank you to all the townies who came out for that. Someone was wearing a First Tigger third shirt. Nice. Which was amazing.

And just all the townies loved seeing you guys, and the shows were fantastic. I love that club. We're going to be in Tulsa for one night on the 22nd. Why only one night? Because it's a three-night thing. Yeah, why only one night? Right. You a three-night thing. Why only one night? Right.

You can do two or three nights in Tulsa. Yeah, you know. Probably good. Tell me something about it. IDL Ballroom. It's Friday night. Friday night. And then Saturday we're doing a show in Denver at the Elaine Wolf Theater.

And then Sunday we're in St. Louis at our old synagogue doing a benefit show for them. And that's pretty much it. Then in March we're in Dallas. March we're in Dallas. Fort Worth on Thursday, which is actually, I think, better for us. The 22nd, I think. 21st. 22nd, Friday night, Dallas, two shows. It's in Plano.

We actually just added Bloomington, Indiana in May. Go to superscleros.com. You can see all that. That's awesome. I have to say something real quick. You guys just, you can't see this. You guys just listed all that stuff without looking at any notes. You guys just know that stuff. We just put it in.

That's very impressive. We just put it into the old. Well, we also have to tell our families, and that's never a good moment. Honey, sit down. We're going to be away here. Your dates better come correct when you have that conversation. I walk in the room with my wife, and I'm like, sit the fuck down. Sit down.

And I hear my dates. It's annoying because you're like, well, this is my job. Unfortunately, this is what I do. Fortunately, we get booked here. Unfortunately, that means more work for you while we're gone. Yeah, exactly. I want to let everybody know I have dates for my Together tour. We have more of them coming up on March 8th.

I will be in New Orleans, Louisiana. On the 8th, I will be in New Orleans, Louisiana. On the 9th, I'll be in Atlanta, Georgia. In Columbia, South Carolina on the 10th. Greenville, South Carolina on the 11th. Orlando, Florida on the 12th. And Jacksonville, Florida on the 13th. You've got to find Jan. Hang on one second.

So we are – so I've got to mention this because we did mention this. We're doing a benefit for UCB. Yeah. It's a stand-up show that we're doing on the 28th at UCB Franklin. Nice. It's been a long time since we've been back. It's for UCB? It is for UCB.

They had like some bad stuff happen in New York. Oh. Raising rents and some crazy tax things that were really, really. And so they're doing some shows to benefit. So we have a great show with Al Madrigal, Ian Abramson. Awesome. Morgan Murphy, I believe, is going to do it. I'm sure.

That's on the 28th. John Renitzky. February 28th. Yeah, that's February 28th. The last day of the month. February 28th. Hey, guys. Galveston, Texas parade.

The fourth Dumb People Town. It's all good. We're giving you your social counter. And all of Tim at timheidecker.com. And see on Cinema Live. Yes, we have lots of stuff to do live. All right, let's get in this last crazy-ass story. Let's do it.

Pizza's a weapon. Sent in by Jacob Benoit, B-E-N-O-I-T. Thanks, man. At Atmos Fan. He loves those theaters, Atmos, A-T-M-O-S. Have you guys been to any of those? No. Great sound. Yeah, they have them at some of the ArcLights. It's an Atmos, like Dolby-M-O-S. Have you guys been to any of those? Are they good theaters? Great sound.

Yeah, they have them at some of the arc lights. It's an Atmos, like, dopey surround. It's a crazy sound. Dopey. Florida. Dopey. A Florida man became enraged for some reason. Okay, that could be the beginning of some story.

End of story. That's like any Florida man ever. For some reason. For some reason. For some reason. Who knows? When he found out his dad helped deliver him at birth a haul. Ah, I see. Why would that make you mad?

I mean, to me, it didn't just make him mad. It made him enraged. He's in jail after hitting his father with a pizza. There's so many turns to that one. A slice or a whole pie? I think a whole pie. And did he throw it like a wasteful? Throw it like a frisbee?

Deep dish? Robert Houston. By the way, deep dish could hurt. That could hurt. If it was piping hot, too. Be delicious. Some weight to a piping hot deep dish. Just getting that crust casserole to the face.

Singeing your face. Robert Houston was arrested for domestic battery and booked into the county jail on Thursday, according to a news release. The Pasco County Sheriff's Office said deputies were called to a home in Holiday and found, oh, you were right, Tim, a slice of pizza on a chair and cheese and sauce all over the area. You want pepper? All over the area. You want pepper all over the area. So he missed. He missed some, too.

Tape it off. It's all over. You need a pizza splatter expert to get in here. Exactly. The pizza splatter expert from the staircase. He was swinging down. No, I think an owl ate this pizza. What?

An owl came in with this pizza. I found one owl feather on the top of the pizza. I know I go to sleep every night just as happy as can be, knowing I was delivered by a doctor with my daddy nowhere in sight. Hang on a second. And should I find anything different? Oh, shit. Should I find anything different?

Reg. I shall turn red. Hang on. What is it you got to say to me? Son, I was. Reg. Don't say it, damn it. There was a doctor and a nurse and you were in the other room.

They were there and then I actually assisted with the birth. Oh, you son of a bitch. Get him. Get his ass, man. You know there was one person cheering him on at least. You hit him. You hit him good. Give me that, my boy. Give me them breadsticks. Let me put some chili flakes least. You hit him. You hit him good. Give me that, my mom.

Give me them breadsticks. No, not the breadsticks. Hit him. You hit him. The breadsticks. How dare you pull me from my mother's womb. The one thing I have in life is the knocklicks. I want her to stay in.

I want her to stay in there. And you pull me out, you son of a bitch. Put me to work. Put me out, you son of a bitch. Put me to work. If I know anything in this life, it is that a doctor put his hands on me inside of my mother. I had a vision of my daddy in the waiting room with the cigars and his old buddies. Talking about stuff.

Houston's father told deputies he was walking his dogs. That was an impression of a Southern man and Bill Cosby. I loved it. I liked all of it. I liked all of it. I was born and he was putting the baby out of the mother. It's problematic. All babies must be born without their daddies in the room. I regret nothing.

That's what he just said. I read that on a thing, like a little news thing. I'll do it again. Bill Cosby regrets nothing. I'm like, why don't you take a moment and- Well, you don't get to being a lifelong monster by having regrets. How about start with Leonard Part 6? I do this thing, and I've done it before, but it's Bill Cosby in jail.

See, you get the jail cell, and it goes clink. You get the jail cell and it goes clink. And you get down to the cafeteria and you get the bread and the water. And you go out in the yard and you play the basketball, see. I like that. Get me up the jumpsuit, see. I got my sweater which says hello friend. And a number.

And you drop the soap. He's doing observational comedy about a challenge. And he would be. That would be a bit. Houston's father told deputies he was walking his dogs as his son was on the front porch waiting for a pizza delivery. You want pizza too much if you're out on the porch waiting for it. Like a kid waiting for his dad. I heard something.

He's like the dog running across the porch until it comes. When the father returned home, Houston shoved the pizza in his face and held him down on a chair and started yelling at him according to a restaurant. The victim began to flail around trying to get the defendant off of him. face and held him down on a chair and started yelling at him according to arrest report. I can't breathe. The victim began to flail around

trying to get the defendant off of him at which point the defendant went outside and awaited law enforcement. Two other family members collaborated I know where to go. I know. I've done the drill before. Or the police came and they're like he thought get him. Go get him.

You know what this man did? He delivered me. It is still unclear why this news set Houston off. Well, do your job. Find this story. Don't file this story until you have that. Figure it out. The deputy said they arrived to find Houston outside of the home. Quote, he walked up to me, turned around, putting his hands behind his back, saying he says, quote, I know I'm going to take him to jail,

the deputy wrote in the report. Yep. Houston was transported to Land O'Lakes Detention Center, which sounds too nice. What, was he like put in a helicopter? Yeah. Transported. He was airlifted to the detention center.

He was not injured. Where he was being held on a $150 bond. That may be too much. That's a lot. I'm going to show you his picture. It's more than he can afford. I'm not joking. That is 27 pizzas.

I'm going to show you the picture. Let's put him away for a long time. Let's set the bail at $150. He ain't getting out of that. A final round of Guess the Agey. Okay, here we go. And you're going to see the picture first. How old is Robert Houston?

The man who freaked out. The man who freaked out. There's a little baby there. Okay, what would that be? It's the only thing that would make sense. Oh, my God. You know, there's two things about him. He loves pizza.

Yep. And hates that his dad delivered him. Delivered him. Had a hand in it, at least. There he is. Wow. How old do you think Robert Houston is? Too much fun leaves marks in life.

Living hard, you'll pay the price. Who is gonna get it right? Guess the age, guess the age. Still going six months? Oh, Robert C-section Houston. Look at this guy. All right. Okay, do you want to go first, TIG, or third?

Where do you want to go? I'll go TIG. Okay, TIG. So Jay, go. Guy's 41. 41 years old, Tim. Yeah, I'll say like 40. I'll go 44.

44. He does look old, but he also could not look good. Those mug shots are not flattering. They're not. He never looked great. Not a lot of glamour in those shots. I mean, I think he's 51 and he's still living at home. Okay.

You know what I mean? Uh-huh. And they were like, we're going to wait until he's 50 and then we'll tell him. He'll be fine by then. This is crazy. I want to know more about this experience. Yeah. All right, Townies.

Let's review. Jay says? 41. 41. Tim says? 44. 44. I said 51.

You say 51. Okay. All right, get your answers in now. We're going to get out of here on this. Go to supersclars.com for all their dates. Go to danielvankirk.com for the next one of my tour. And go to Bandcamp Tim Heidecker to get that song.

To get those songs. And the name of the song that you just wrote about his height is called... I... I wish I... I want to be as... I am as tall as I want to be.

I love it. It is so catchy. It is so good. And listen to Office Hours, too. And check out Office Hours and go to... And go to timheidecker.com slash events.

Okay, here we go. Robert Houston. P.I. Love and pizza. Pissed atidecker.com slash events. Okay, here we go. Robert Houston. Love and pizza. Pissed at his dad. 4-4. Is? 5-1. 33.

Oh, my God. He did not. He looks terrible. Look, 33. That's horrible. This is how a picture can mess with your brain. I look at this and I'm like, Judd Apatow, this is 40. This is not good.

That ain't no 33. 33. Oh, my God. What a great day in town today, Tim Heidecker. You will come on and do a live one with us at Largo. We will get you. You're our friend. Yeah.

This is so great. And I can't wait to just continually consume all the great stuff that you put out in this world. Oh, thank you, boys. Agreed. And, oh, shit, we've got to get back to work. Dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum, dum. Stick around. Make a sound.

Come here down. It's Dumb People Town. It's a good show.